Author's Note

Just a joke where Discord sends Excalibur back in time and turns him into a stallion. The plan was for him to talk to Twilight's parents and get to know them more before he heads back to the castle and jokingly tries to solicit sex out of her, where upon he would have been either thrown in the dungeon or kicked out of the castle. Then it would cut to the future and back to normal Excalibur teasing Celestia about the events and confusing the hell out of her as to how he would have known about a stallion hitting on her several years prior.

Tiny Twilight Tale.

Fuck you Discord!

I sighed as I stumbled my way down the halls of Canterlot Castle. All that I remember was waking up, armor gone and a not sitting by the bed that said ‘Enjoy!’ and that the spells would wear off in a few days and that I would be back in my own time by midnight. Oh, and to top it all off…

I was a pony…

A bright white unicorn stallion with brown mane and eyes like my normal self and with crossed skanas over a purple lotus as a cutie mark. Well, it wasn’t all bad that I knew how to walk… somehow. Passing a maid she waved at me. Acting like I belonged I smiled.

Rounding a random corner, I passed a guard holding a lone spear in front of a massive door. Walking past, I froze. Glancing back at the door, I turned around and headed for it.

“Halt!” The stallion ordered. “Name and rank?” name and rank? I turned my head back towards the tramp stamp on my ass. Oh! Probably thought I was a guard.

“Uh… Private first class Calibur. Heavy Calibur,” I lied. Even I have no idea as to what is going on. Eh, fuck it. I can play knight for a day. Not like my actions will do anything. No matter how much I screw with the past the future will not change.

The stallion pulled out a clipboard and messed with it. Flipping a page he hummed to himself. “I don’t see your name here.”

Better come up with something! “I’m a transfer sir!” I replied rather confidently. “I just got here yesterday and figuring things out.”

“Ah!” he replied understandingly. “Proceed.” I… I always forget how gullible this race is. Because I literally just lied my way into the armory. Stepping aside, the stallion opened the door. Shrugging, I stepped inside.

Browsing the vast array of weapons and armor, I eventually settled with a regular set of gold armor and a short sword. After having the guard help me a little, I left without incident.

Maybe I should go harass Celestia? Get her to send me back. Or I could fuck with her and say ‘Remember that time that stallion put the moves on you?’ And she wouldn’t understand how I knew that. Hell, if I could get her in bed that would be the perfect blackmail material!

With a new goal in mind I wandered my way towards the throne room. After stepping of the last step of the stairs, I turned down towards the throne room. Lets see what kind of kinky shit I can get into here. Her most secret fetish or to get her to do something flat out embarrassing.

“H-Hello?” I stopped in my tracks. A very light, childlike voice caught my attention. Very innocent and almost lost. “C-Can somepony help! I’m lost!” Well… as much as I would love to fuck shit up, I did make a promise to help others as per my contract.

Poking my head around a corner, I saw a little filly in the center of the hall. She looked a lot like Twilight. Same color coat, eyes, and mane. Strapped her sides were a pair of saddlebags. Glancing around, I failed to see anyone else. Out in front the little fille started to cry. She fell to her belly and buried her face in her hooves.

I bit my lip. I always hated seeing children cry. I saw so much loss in my life, there are some things that should not happen. Stepping out, I approached the sobbing child. As I got closer I noticed a little grey doll wrapped around the back of her neck. Must be her favorite toy.

Stopping in front of her, I gently laid down. “Hey, sweetie,” I said softly. The crying stopped as the little filly raise her head. “You lost?” I asked innocently. She wiped her nose her a hoof and sniffled before nodding. Smiling warmly, I held out my stub of a hoof. “What’s your name honey?”

She sniffled again before adjusting the doll on her neck. “Twilight…” Just as I had guessed. That S.O.B. sent me back almost ten years. The little filly stood up before slowly walking over and plopping herself down between my forelegs. She wasted no time in burying her face into the front of my chest piece.

“I-I was with P-Princess Cel-estia and and… I g-got lost!” she whimpered. “T-Today is my first day in the castle!” she wailed while lifting her head up towards me. Lifting my hoof, I ran it over her back lovingly. God, she is just so cute!

“Do you need someone to help you?”

She tensed up before nodding into my armor. Smiling yet again, I rose up and offered my hoof to her again. Taking it, I helped her to her feet. “Come on sweetheart,” I said caringly. “I’ll walk you out.” Wrapping my hoof around her waist, she yelped while I placed her on my back. “Hang on!”

She wrapped her tiny hooves around my neck and buried her face in my mane. I just smile contently as the little filly rode on the back of my stolen armor. The halls were empty except for the occasional maid or guard, none of which looked familiar. Rounding another corner I felt the little purple filly lift her head.

“U-Uh Mister?” she asked. “W-What is y-your name?”

I turned my head and smiled back at her. “Private First Class Heavy Calibur,” I lied again. “But you can call me ‘Cal.”

“You seem really nice for a guardspony,” she replied while leaning up a little bit. “My brother always talks about how guards need to be brave and bold. And that they have to be able to take a kick.” I laughed lightly at that. There are certain times where kindness is a better option than violence.

“Oh? Who is your brother?”

“Cadet Shining Armor,” she replied. “Do you know him?” I internally scoffed. Wonder what would happen if I went to the Cadet School and schooled his ass? Eh, maybe later.

“Heh, I know the name,” I replied honestly. Wasn’t fond of it. Our talk came to an end as I walked along. Many passing maids would pass by and many would fawn over the cute little filly, which only caused her to hide her face in my dark mane out of embarrassment. And each male guard gave a snicker or some playful insult. Rounding one last corner, I hesitated.

Steeling myself, I proceed. Walking along, I acted as though I was just another guard. “Princess!” Twilight beamed while placing both front hooves on the top of my head, pushing my helmet forward and over my eyes. Ow… that hurt too. The mare in question turned before smiling warmly at her student.

“Twilight!” The solar mare greeted. “I thought you had left for the day?”

The little filly shook her head as I continued to act like a normal guard, well, as best as I could without my eyesight. “No!” she shrunk down against my back in embarrassment. Coming to a stop, I saluted the mare, hoof tinking against the helmet. I was still blind too. She nodded and I relaxed. “I… I got lost…” she quietly admitted.

“Oh!” Celestia replied in realization. “I’m sorry Twilight, did I forget to give you a map?” The little filly nodded. Her gaze moved to me. “And your name, my good stallion?”

I reflexively went rigid, thankfully my eyes were hidden. “Private First Class Heavy Calibur, Princess!” Moment of truth. The mare furrowed her brow and cocked her head to the right. “Transfer, your majesty.”

“Ah!” she replied in understanding. Her attention moved back to the little filly, who had slid back down onto my back. “I’m glad one of my loyal guards could help you Twilight. I truly am sorry.” The mare adjusted my helmet back into place before she leaned forward and nuzzled the little filly, who accepted the action in grace. “Do you need a further escort?”

The filly shook her head. “No. Uhm, I think Mr. Calibur can keep me safe,” she meekly admitted.

“Alright,” Celestia replied with a nod. “I will see you tomorrow, Twilight. And remind me to give you a map.” The mare and filly exchanged one last hug before parting ways. Leaving the castle I started walking, having Twilight give me directions as I went.

***

In her home Twilight Velvet paced her living room in a panic. She mumbled various worries to herself while her husband sat on the couch reading the paper. The panicked mare came to a stop and turned to her husband. “Ohhhh! Do you think she did well today?”

The blue stallion lowered the paper and gave his wife a deadpanned stare. “Ugh,” he sighed, dropping the paper in his lap and grabbing his muzzle with a hoof. “Velvet, Honey…” he looked up at his nervous wife with a more sympathetic look. “It was her first day. I’m sure she did fine.”

“But-!”

“No!” the stallion cut in. “No! None of that!” He rose from his seat and approached his wife.

Three knocks came from the door.

The two parents turned to face the door from which the knocks came from.