A Doctor Writes...

by The Minister of Scones

Rating: everyone
Tags: Science Fiction, Random, Derpy Hooves, Slice of Life, Doctor Whooves, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1133

Strange, funny and often slightly pointless occurrences in the life of (temporarily) retired Time Lord, the Doctor.

Exiled to Equestria by the Time Lords to 'keep him out of trouble', the Doctor, now in his 22nd incarnation, finds himself forced to stay in one place, with the same ponies, forever and ever and ever. Socially, however, the Doctor is a dead loss; the inevitable result of locking yourself in a small box for hundreds of years at a time. This occasionally results in amusing scenarios. This is a collection of such, and will be updated as and when and if I feel like it.

Technically, this is a follow-up to my earlier Doctor Whooves stories, but as they're rubbish, I shouldn't bother if I were you. The premise here is fairly self-explanatory, and you shouldn't need more than a cursory knowledge of Doctor Who to be able to see what's going on.

Published 2017-03-12 22:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-03-12 22:10:01 UTC

Nomenclature

"Something's been bothering me lately, old thing," remarked the Doctor, looking up from his book. He had, it appeared, just finished reading it; which puzzled Twilight slightly, because she could have sworn he'd only got it off the shelf a minute ago.

"Oh? What's that?" she asked politely. In her experience, the Doctor's little queries were easily dismissed. A few days ago, he had wanted to know why Equestrians built roads rather than just flying everywhere. Twilight had dutifully reminded him that some ponies, including him, hadn't any wings, whereupon he had gazed at himself in a mirror for several seconds before conceding that, indeed, some ponies didn't have wings, and going back to his watercolour. He had subsequently asked why it was called a 'watercolour', when there were several different colours, and not just a few shades of blue.

"I should perhaps add that when I say 'lately', I mean 'for the last couple of centuries'."

"Uh-huh." Twilight was already losing interest.

"It's the names you ponies give places."

Twilight was taken slightly aback. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, take 'Ponyville', for instance. Don't that strike you as an odd name for a town?"

"Not really. It's a town for ponies, so - 'Ponyville'."

"Mm. And in that respect it differs how, exactly, from any other town in Equestria?"

"Oh..."

"Exactly. Then there's Canterlot. Does an abnormal amount of cantering go on there?"

"Well, it's quite a busy city, so I guess so."

"But it was a tiny village when it was named. I was there." The Doctor leant forward in his chair, warming to his subject. "There was no cantering at the time. I would have remarked on it then, but I was fighting off a group of rather confused giant otters."

"I never really thought about it before. Now I think about it, I don't think I've ever seen any books on the subject of place names."

"Quite. I move that that is because no one has the slightest idea why anywhere is called what it is. And why are they all linked to ponies in some way or other?"

"What do you mean?"

"Trottingham, Fillydelphia, Bridleway... What is a bridleway, hmm? Ask yourself that!"

"It's a path for horses."

"Right. So in this country, that's... all the paths. And Fillydelphia? That's 'filly' as in little girl, and 'adelphos' as in brother. What does that mean? As for Trottingham... my point about Canterlot stands."

"This is all very academically interesting, but what's your point?"

The Doctor wasn't listening. "And sometimes it's just anatomical. Hoofington. Manehatten. It's strange. Why would you name a city after your hair? Why have all this pony-related stuff in there, anyway? Are you trying to remind yourselves that you're ponies?"

"I don't think-"

"Which wouldn't surprise me, given the language here," continued the Doctor, oblivious to her protestations. "Everyone else on the planet says 'Master of Ceremonies'. Here it's 'Pony of Ceremonies'. Is it some sort of attempted race-bar?" He stood up, the better to proclaim his dissatisfaction. "Pony Friend Forever? Nearly all your friends are ponies! Why do you feel the need to specify?

"Doctor, why all this fuss?" Twilight was almost shouting. The Doctor finally seemed to notice her properly again.

"I'm glad you asked! It's because of my new theory."

Twilight sighed. "And because I know I won't be able to read my book until I hear your new theory... what is your new theory?"

The Doctor returned to his chair, beaming at her like a schoolfoal. "Puns," he said, smugly.

"Puns?"

"Puns." The Doctor leaned back, evidently very pleased with himself.

"Okay." Twilight went back to her book. It had just reached the most exciting part - the bibliography.

"No, hold on, hear the rest of it!" protested the Doctor.

"Oh, is there more?"

"Yes, as I believe you were perfectly aware," he replied crossly. "The names of all sorts of places and organisations seem slightly meaningless, hopelessly contrived and, frankly, bizzare. As corporate branding won't be invented for another 60 years or so," the Doctor continued, suppressing a shudder, "there is only one plausible possibility. They're all puns. The reason they're all based on horses is that whoever is coming up with them really, really likes horses. And is therefore probably not a horse."

"What gives you that idea?"

"Have you ever met a horse with a horse-obsession? That would be weird."

"Not that part, the idea that they're puns."

"Look at the evidence! Almost every name here consists of a horse part, like 'Mane', and a seemingly nonsensical part, like 'Hattan'. As a scientist, and somepony who's just finished reading Ten-Thousand-and-One Puns That Will Make You Sick to Your Stomach, I feel qualified to tell you that the only rational explanation is that originally the names did make sense, but that they've had an element of pony terminology horseshoe-horned in. And that's another thing: why do we say 'horseshoe'? What other kind of shoe is there?"

"This is all very interesting, um, speculation," - Twilight stressed the word in the hope that it would make the Doctor realise that he was talking arrant nonsense - "but what are they puns on?"

"Answering that question, my dear, could well be the first step to figuring out the deepest mysteries behind this universe of ours. Like why Golden Harvest's voice sounds different every time I talk to her. Or why ponies sometimes have the wrong cutie marks for a few seconds. Or why, in any given crowd, one can always see one pony at least three times."

"Well, this is all very convincing," remarked Twilight, drily. "I just have one question, Doctor."

"Ask away."

"What did you say your home planet was called?"

"Why, Gallopfrey, of course."

"And do you do a lot of galloping there?"

"Not 'specially. Why do you mention...? Oh." He looked a little disappointed. "I see what you mean. Oh well, maybe it's just coincidence, then." The Doctor got another book off the shelf, flicked through it idly, and put it back.

"Aren't you going to read it?"

"Just did."

Twilight was skeptical. "How?"

"Never really thought about it. I just look at the words as they go past."

"How about just looking at the place names as they go past, and not really thinking about them?"

"Right-o." There was silence for a few moments, then, "Twilight?"

"What now?"

"If you had to name a town, what would you call it?"

"I don't really know. Something. How about..." She searched for the first two syllables that sounded good together. "Paris?"

"Why Paris?"

"It sounds nice."

"It don't, though. It sounds silly."

"Why?"

The Doctor thought for a moment, then grinned at her. "I think it sounds silly because it has nothing to do with horses."