Growing Up Shy

by Fillyfoolish

Rating: teen
Tags: Discord, Slice of Life, Sad, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy
Length: 4324

After Rainbow Dash comes out in "Dash's Secret", nearly losing everything, her confidante Fluttershy can't help but wonder if she is to blame.

Unofficial continuation of @HopeFox's Dash's Secret

Trigger Warning: Discussion of suicide

Rainbow Dash's world came crashing down on her. All of a sudden, all of her friends knew her secret. It went well -- mostly... Everything worked out in the end. But... Rainbow shouldn't have needed to go through all of that pain to get here.

It could've gone better. And Fluttershy blames herself for it all.

Poor Fluttershy.

Edited by fourths.

Published 2017-03-12 20:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-03-12 20:30:01 UTC

Growing Up Shy

Rarity appeared promptly at the Ponyville Day Spa for her weekly get-together with Fluttershy. After the stress of Rainbow Dash’s parents’ visit, the visit with one of her best friends was much needed. Fluttershy had known that Lightning and Cloud Dash did not understand their filly, but to hear them outright refer to her as “their colt” and call her– that, that name– was nevertheless a shock. The moment the pair entered Ponyville and her honorary little sister lost her rainbow, Fluttershy wanted nothing more than to wrap her friend in a warm hug until the visit was finally over. Yet she–

“Helloooo! Anypony home?” Rarity teased in her classic sing-song voice. Fluttershy, lost in thought, was abruptly startled as she remembered where she was, and then promptly followed as Aloe gestured for the two to go to the steam room. Although understanding of the circumstances, Rarity couldn’t help but to giggle for a moment. Fluttershy didn’t seem to mind.

“Sorry, Rarity, it’s just… Rainbow Dash has been through so much these past few days, and now that all our friends know, it’s all only a matter of time before other ponies are going to start rumours about her, um, her past.”

“I understand. Well, how are you?”

“I, uh, didn’t I just tell you?”

“No, Fluttershy. I asked, how you are doing, not Rainbow Dash.”

Fluttershy sighed at the inevitable question. Of course Rarity would notice she wasn’t feeling well. Nevertheless, encouraged by genuinely concerned eyes, she tried to fumble for words to explain her predicament.

“I… I’ve been better… I guess… You know how much I care about Rainbow Dash… All my friends really, but, um, especially Rainbow… and I guess I realise, um… everything that’s happened…”

Her voice trailing off, Fluttershy seemed to be deep in thought again. Rarity simply sat patiently while the pegasus reflected on her behaviour before flight school. After a long pause, she confessed:

“My best friend has been struggling since she was a filly, with her self-image, her family, her friends, and it’s my fault. Just this week, she almost lost Applejack, all because of a lie I perpetuated. Applejack wasn’t wrong – if nothing else, Rainbow Dash has been lying about her name all of this time. She’s forged it on documents everywhere, often times in her father’s hoofwriting – and I helped her with it. Even Princess Celestia doesn’t know what happened. Princess Luna does – she has visited Rainbow’s dreams and, um, my nightmares – but that’s one pony out of thousands. She’s the Element of Loyalty; how could I betray her so bad?”

The unicorn listened patiently, nodding occasionally but otherwise letting Fluttershy speak, as her partner at what was supposedly a relaxing spa poured out her heart. Biting her lip, she spoke warm as always:

“I hate to be so direct, darling, but I’m afraid you’re wrong. Once we finish at the spa, I’ll walk back to the cottage with you and show you. By the way, since we have some time now, I’ve been meaning to ask you: for your dress, would you like your cutie mark pattern again, or perhaps a different animal?”

Fluttershy weakly smiled at the change of subject, apparently unconvinced by Rarity’s enthusiasm. Nevertheless, whenever Fluttershy tried to complain, she was zipped by her cucumber-blind friend. Addressing the elephant in the room would be futile, it seems.

“Um, do you think you could do a bunny?”

Later that day, the pair of friends arrived at the cottage, greeted by a decidedly impatient Angel. After feeding her friend, Fluttershy turned to her (larger) friend, anxious to hear why in Equestria Rarity thought that she wasn’t the one responsible for Rainbow Dash’s predicament. She did help forge signatures after all. And she was the one who began the spiral leading up to Rainbow’s near estrangement from her parents. But nevertheless unfazed, after a few minutes of searching, the unicorn emerged levitating an old, decrepit notebook, in a state that could only be explained by a Sonic Rainboom. Fluttershy quickly blushed once she realised precisely which book that was.

“Um, Rarity? That’s, um, my private diary,” she said softly, almost whispering the end.

“Yes, dear, I am aware. There was incident a few moons ago; I accidentally read a few pages before I realised what it was. I suppose I should have put it back on the shelf immediately, but I quickly stumbled on a passage about Rainbow. I already had my guesses, of course, but since I doubted today would ever come, I needed to learn the truth.” Rarity continued after her matter-of-fact confession.

“Nevertheless, there are a few passages I’d like you to read,” she continued, without so much as waiting for Fluttershy’s shock about learning of the invasion of her privacy. She was too confused to react with anything stronger than a blush, as she worried about all the writing that didn’t live up to her Element; the pegasus wearily watched as her diary’s pages were magically turned faster than a dozen hooves, magically marking a few pages along the way. Rarity spent about a minute working this way, humming idly, until eventually, she was satisfied and returned the book to its proper owner.

“Read the sections I marked. I promise you’ll feel better,” she demanded, without pausing to hear from Fluttershy. “I’ll be in the kitchen brewing tea for the two of us if you need anything.”

Fluttershy sighed. She trusted Rarity. It was worth a shot. Rubbing her eyes, she began to read.

Dear Diary,

Today, Sonic came over for a tea party! He looked so excited about it, too. I know how much he loves my mom’s black tea. Sometimes my mom even lets us put a spoonful of sugar in our tea. I wish you could see the look on Sonic’s face when he gets to have sugar in his tea! I just love spending time with him so much.

It was really nice, until my little brother had to come in and ruin everything. He trotted in here and cried in his squeaky little voice, “Flutter and Sonic, sitting on a cloud. K I S S I N G…” He is so annoying like that! I hate colts so much. They’re all so mean about me and Sonic. Well, I like Sonic, of course. But, like, other colts. Sonic doesn’t count? I don’t know. He’s not annoying like Zephyr anyway.

Sometimes I wish Sonic were a filly so we could have tea together without anyone making fun of him. Actually, what if I were a colt? I have always wondered what it would be like. Maybe I should ask Sonic about it sometime.

Love,

Fluttershy

“Wow, Rarity, I really thought S– Rainbow Dash liked our tea parties? Even I now know how boring they were”, Fluttershy giggling at how naive she had been years ago.

“Keep reading!”

Dear Diary,

Why do I have to be so sick all the time? I mean, I love my mom and dad, and I don’t mind being indoors all the time, but it’s so lonely sometimes. And since I can’t fly yet, the others make fun of me. Especially the colts. Why can’t all colts be like Sonic? He’s just so much more… sensitive about my feelings. I don’t know. It’s not even like we have a lot in common. He loves flying. I’d be better off as an earth pony. He hates sewing. Dressmaking seems to be all I do these days. But at the end of the day, Sonic is my friend, and, um, I love him. He’s a better brother to me than Zephyr anyway… I miss him.

But yesterday he visited me, which was nice. He’s been visiting me a lot lately. Something about the other colts being annoying. If his friends are anything like my actual brother, I don’t blame him for preferring my company. Wait, no, that’s not what I meant! Not, like, my company. Just, like, a filly. I don’t want anypony to think I’m better than anypony else! Sorry for being so rude.

Today wasn’t too bad – my sewing is getting a lot better, I think. Just this morning, I made a dress for Spitfire. You know, that Wonderbolt – the one Sonic loves to talk about? Anyways, the dress wasn’t very good, and it’s not like it would fit a mare anyway. But I think I did okay on it, and that’s what matters.

Love,

Fluttershy

Dear Diary,

I’m so scared. I think I might have hurt Sonic’s feelings. Umm… something weird happened today. Well, I think it was weird. I just need advice so much right now. I don’t want to say or do the wrong thing!

Remember how I was planning to surprise Sonic with the suit jacket I made him? First, he really didn’t like it, which surprised me. I won’t pretend my skills are “freaky good” as he told me (he’s so sweet like that), but I did try really hard on it, and it matched him exactly! In any case, I let him look through the other clothes I’d made. It’s not like he would find anything in there. I don’t usually sew colt clothes. I was being stupid, wasn’t I…

He picked a dress. Did you read that right? Sonic picked a dress. When have you ever heard of a colt who wanted to wear a dress? I guess the weirdest part to me was that he didn’t… seem to notice that it was a dress. Or that, um, maybe that he was a colt? It was weird. I wasn’t really sure what to do, but… I let him try it on. I have to say, watching him wear my Spitfire costume was amazing. He seemed so… happy. Sonic of all ponies hates mirrors – he says they make him look funny – but there he was, using my room as his personal runway. I have to remind myself sometimes that even if it is a little strange for a colt to like dresses, it wouldn’t be very nice of me to tell him not to do it! Not when he liked it so much.

Maybe… maybe he isn’t a colt. I mean, I shouldn’t be silly; he is a colt. He talks like a colt. And he has, um… yeah. But, I don’t know, maybe some fillies just look different? I mean, pegasi look different from unicorns, and unicorns look different from earth ponies, but… we’re all ponies, right? Maybe it’s like that. I guess maybe he’s just a filly. Um, she’s a filly? I… I think I confused myself now.

The more I think about it, it seems this isn’t even about the whole dress thing; that much could just be because Spitfire is that “awesome”. But it would make a lot of sense if Sonic was a filly. I mean, I’m a filly, and he’s best friends with me. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with colts being being friends with fillies but… I don’t know. You probably think I’m crazy. Uh, I’m starting to think I’m crazy. Besides, if Sonic were a filly, why didn’t he just tell me already? It’s not like it’s that complicated… I think?

I need to stop being so judgmental. I don’t care if Sonic is a filly or a colt. He – or, um, she, I guess – can wear anything. You know, maybe this could be fun… I’ve always wanted a friend to make dresses for!

Don’t tell him (?) that I started something super special. Just to Sonic’s measurements, just like last time – but it’s a dress this time!

Love,

Fluttershy

Dear Diary,

The Best Young Flier Competition is tomorrow. I’m so excited! Sonic and I are going together, which is going to be so much fun! I think he might want to wear his new Spitfire dress – after seeing how much he loved it, I couldn’t not give him it! I hope he won’t be too embarrassed and end up going in the suit jacket instead. I know it would look nice, but it’s pretty clear it’s not what he actually wants. But, if that’s what he says, I would hate to be pushy…

I’ve been worried about him. Not because of the whole dress thing. Just in general, he seems… off. Actually, now that I think about it, he’s always seemed like this, like he’s living in his own world. Maybe the mean colts at school are getting to him. Or maybe this isn’t about the dresses, and one day he really is going to tell me to call him something else, like in that book I read. I think the author called them “trans mares” or something. I just hope that whatever the problem is, I can help. I hate seeing my friends like this.

If you have any advice, I… I’d really appreciate it. I guess Sonic would, too. I know as far as friends go I’m nothing special, but even if I can’t be nice to everypony else, Sonic deserves kindness, from me of all ponies. I’m just so scared I might lose him.

Love,

Fluttershy

Dear Diary,

The competition was amazing! I helped Sonic pass for a filly, and I think it worked. I introduced him to my friend, Dazzle. You remember her, the singer? She seemed to really like, um, Firefly (that’s what Sonic decided to introduce he– himself as… names are hard!)

Except then some mean colt came and started picking on us. I don’t know what I would have done if Sonic–er, Firefly– hadn’t been there! She challenged him to a race, and she won. I was so proud, seeing her so happy like that. Honestly, I’ve never seen her– or him, I’m really not sure what to say– so happy in, um, their life. It doesn’t matter what other ponies (even her parents) think. If she wants to wear dresses and have people call her “Firefly,” there’s nothing wrong with that.

I just hope she stops thinking she’s such a “freak” – her words, not mine. Maybe I should lend her that book I read, about the trans mare. I’ll be honest; it wasn’t a very good book. There was too much, um, romance in it for my liking… but honestly, it’s the only book I have about a trans mare, so it’s worth it. Besides, S– Firefly always liked those types of novels (maybe he’s more coltish than I thought…)

Love,

Fluttershy

Dear Diary,

I talked to Firefly about maybe being a trans filly (I think that’s the word), and she says it makes sense. We went to the Cloudsdale Library and found a book about it, too! Like, not a romance novel, something non-fiction. It was a little dusty, though… something tells me not a lot of people have read it. But we managed to get through quite a bit of it before the library closed and we had to leave.

But now that the initial excitement of going to the competition wore off, she seems anxious. It’s not her old, generic sad countenance, either. She’s definitely happier this way, but now she’s worrying every time we leave my room if somebody will find out…

In any case, I checked out a book from the library about voice acting (I thought this would be less suspicious than a book about trans ponies; I get the sense Cloudsdale isn’t the most accepting place..), and I’m helping her sound a bit more feminine. Apparently, the pitch of a pony’s voice doesn’t have much to do with the gender. It said something vague about “fullness”. I suppose we’ll figure it out together, eventually.

I’ve, um, also been helping her with more, um, private issues. My dresses work normally, but, um, sometimes she needs to use the bathroom, and things like that. Firefly said she would just kick anyone who was mean to her, but aggression is really not going to help her seem more like a filly.

Despite everything, Firefly and I are closer friends than we ever were before. I know it’s going to be hard going forward, but at least when we’re not in public and there’s not risk of her parents (or anypony else) finding out, she’s the happiest I’ve seen her in my life. Maybe ever happier than at the Best Young Flier Competition, too!

Love,

Fluttershy

“Tea’s ready!” Rarity walked in, levitating a pair of steaming cups and a kettle. Fluttershy graciously accepted her half, eager to delay admitting to her total lack of enlightenment. Unfortunately for her, Rarity was still waiting after Fluttershy sipped her tea for far longer than natural.

“It was a nice trip down memory lane, but… Rarity, all these entries just remind me even more how guilty I am for ruining Rainbow Dash’s life! I was the one who let her try on all of those dresses. I was the one who kept supporting her when she cut off her parents. I was the one that covered for her when her parents came back to Ponyville. Everything that has happened – it’s all my fault! If only I hadn’t said all of those things… if only I wasn’t so passive…” Fluttershy trailed off.

As Rarity began to mumble about how much happier Rainbow Dash is, she was quite rudely interrupted by a popping noise. Next to to the mares sat a familiar draconequus, completing with a matching tea cup, bringing a new meaning to the new Manehattan trend of instant brew tea. “Oh, hello, Discord,” Rarity swallowed, evading the gaze of her uninvited guest. “Pleasure to see you again”, she forced out gesturing forcefully towards the door.

Entrance theatrics aside, however, Discord was quite serious, speaking directly to his best friend with little regard for whatever it was Rarity had wanted to say:

“Fluttershy, I assure you that this was not your fault in the slightest” he assured in a low voice. Moments later, he announced, “let’s take a field trip, class!”.

And with a snap of the talons, the two of them were gone (“Time magic!”, Discord squealed excitedly as they disappeared).

“Ugh… two of my friends are gay, two more bi, and Fluttershy is all but dating Discord. Why can’t I have a friend marry Prince Charming so I can be a bridesmare again?”, Rarity groaned to herself.

Fluttershy and Discord were against a backdrop of still blackness and absolute silence. If she wasn’t in the care of a quite capable draconequus, Fluttershy would have been screaming by now. Instead, she only held her best friend closer.

“Um, Discord, you know I love spending time with you, but… um… where are we?”

“I thought it would be easiest to start here. I’m… going to show you something that could have been. I need you to understand two things first. One, this is not real. All of the emotions you’re going to feel – understand that in a few minutes we’ll back in your cottage with everything back to normal. Second, well, if you had not accepted Rainbow Dash for who she was – who she is – this would have been the truth. Okay?”

Fluttershy squeaked in affirmation. If Discord said it was going to be okay, it was going to be okay. Just keep repeating that. It’s going to be okay.

They were back in Cloudsdale. Hundreds of pegasi were gathered, along with a handful of earth ponies and unicorns. Princess Celestia herself was there, speaking to the crowd, bearing the same solemn expression as most of the audience. She spoke in a slow, removed tone, as if she wanted to express deep emotion but nevertheless tried to save face. Despite her tone, her speech was fluent and well-composed, and by the lack of speaker’s notes, she had recited this routine far too many times.

Flutershy herself paid little attention to the speaker, however – she was fixating on a small, light green filly. She still had little exposure to time magic, but it did not require asking a draconequus to comprehend not just where she was, but when.

She began to trot over to the crying filly when Discord told her to listen to the Princess for a moment. She stopped and meekly nodded, terrified to know what could have happened.

“It is difficult for us whenever a pony passes on in an accident, as opposed to being let free from the burden of living once they fulfilled the purpose of their life, bound by their cutie mark. It is all the more difficult to say these words when it is a foal who is hurt – a foal too young to even have discovered his cutie mark. And so, it is with a heavy heart that we remember Sonic Dash, beloved colt of Cloud Dash and Lightning Dash of Cloudsdale. One of the fastest fliers for his age, he was injured during a routine practice. He sustained a severe head trauma after a crashing while flying over thirty wing power. He will be remembered – and deeply missed – his parents and his numerous friends throughout Cloudsdale. As per the request of his parents to commemorate Sonic, he will be dubbed an honorary Wonderbolt and achieve his wish after all. Everybody, please welcome Spitfire.”

The crowd proceeded to turn their attention to the local celebrity – including, evidently, Cloud and Lightning Dash themselves. But one filly began crying even louder when it was announced that Sonic Dash had “achieved his wish after all”.

Fluttershy turned towards her young counterpart. Dash had passed away – it’s normal to want to mourn the accident. But eventually, she heard what was muttered under the filly’s breath:

“It was all my fault. How could I have ignored her for so long? Every day she cried out; every time something, something changed in her body. And I ignored her, because I thought it would be simpler. But now she’s gone. The Princess said it was an accident, but I read her diary. I know she did it herself. How could I have let this happen? It was all my fault…”

If the older Fluttershy was worried before, she was horrified now at the realisation of what had transpired. She, too, had began to cry – Discord’s cue to snap them back to reality.

“Why can’t I have a friend marry Prince Charming so I can be a bridesmare again? – Fluttershy? Discord?”

Discord, again ignoring Rarity’s questions, held Fluttershy ever closer, as his friend attempted to process the events of an alternative timeline.

“Um… did I… in this life, anyway… did I save Rainbow Dash’s life?” Fluttershy asked Discord, practically inaudibly. He just nodded as another wave of Fluttershy’s tears welled up.

“Are you, um, are you sure? There weren’t other, um, possibilities how it could have ended up? Where we both grow up happy and everything works out?” Fluttershy hid behind her mane, knowing perfectly well the answer but too afraid to admit to it. Discord paused.

“I looked through dozens of possible timelines. In the one we visited, Rainbow’s death was not particularly painful, and though you were emotionally traumatised, you survived. You… really don’t want to know some of the other outcomes…” Discord’s voice trailed off, and Discord himself, perhaps the most powerful being in Equestria, seemed haunted.

Rarity eventually interrupted, with a decidedly fake cough and a forced voice. “Would somebody mind filling me in with what happened here?” Discord eventually mumbled something cryptic about taking Rarity’s ideas to heart. “So much for that,” she sung to herself.

“You’re okay, Fluttershy. You’re okay.”

Once the sobbing (mostly) subsided, of course, Discord was back to his sometimes-literal off-the-wall self. And so, when Fluttershy decided she needed to see Rainbow Dash, Discord snapped a photorealistic portrait into existence, eliciting a weak giggle.

“It’s just… Rainbow Dash been through so much – I’ve been through so much, actually. I just… need to see her. Discord, Rarity, I’ll be in Rainbow Dash’s place if you need me.”

Before Fluttershy had a chance to fly away, Discord struck a compromise between “honouring Fluttershy’s wishes to see her, ugh, other friends” and “causing as much chaos as possible without receiving a threatening letter from Twilight”. With a sly grin and yet another snap, Rainbow Dash appeared right there on the ground of the cottage. Without wings, of course.

“Ah! Hey, where am – wait, Discor – Flutter– Rarit— where are my wings! Ahh! I feel like I’m falling through the ground – how are you guys just standing there? – Discord, what did you do to –”

Unfortunately for Rainbow Dash, her protest was muffled by a massive hug from her de facto older sister. “You’re okay, Rainbow Dash… We’re okay.”

Never quite one for the amount of touching Fluttershy preferred, the younger pegasus sat idle allowing Fluttershy to have her moment, still scowling at Discord for his little prank. The Spirit of Chaos, apparently quite proud of himself, proceeded to spite Rainbow by drafting a letter to the Princess about his reformation and how he helped Fluttershy’s best friend today. Dash’s contempt was clear, though Fluttershy never saw the exchange, her muzzle buried into Rainbow.

“I love you too, Flutters”

After a little while of bickering with Discord about her wings, Rainbow said the magic words: “Ugh, turn me back to how I’m supposed to be!”

And with one final snap – and yet another suspicious grin – he turned Rainbow Dash’s body back to how it was supposed to be.

Her wings were back to normal.

And maybe something else was fixed, too.

Author's Note

This is my first fanfic -- please don't be too harsh :fluttercry:

Heavily inspired by Dash's Secret as well as Dysphoria.