Boom, Roasted.

by Nyx Ali

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Fluttershy, Random, Discord, Maud Pie, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2208

Discord and Maud have a roast session

Discord and Maud have a roast session at the gala. Things get wild.

Published 2017-03-22 02:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-03-22 02:30:01 UTC

Ouch, Burned.

"You're the most basic of jokes," Maud said dully, and the room broke into laughter.

Really? Was that even necessary? He was simply just keeping his dearest Fluttershy from that horrid Treehugger, and even though he was already in a bad mood, he was still nice enough to let her bask in his flawless personality while he did so, but she didn't appreciate it. He glared at her, his eyebrows furrowed angrily. 'How utterly ungrateful of you. So what I took over Equestria and gave your sister an intermittent explosive disorder and possibly turned all your rocks into pineapples, that's no way to treat a friend,' he thought, "Especially when they're as funny as me!'

She stood there in the crowd giving him that same blank stare she'd been giving him, and everyone else, the entire night. All he could do was stare back and act intimidating, but she showed no fear. Or emotions at all, really. What could she even know about jokes anyway? She spent most of her miserable, depressing life on a rock farm. A joke should've been a mystery for her. It wasn't his fault she didn't know what a good joke was.

He knew he was funny; she just had a bad sense of humor, if you could even call it humor.

He remembered all the times as a kid that he was bullied, and all he could do was sit and agree, because they were right. They were always right, but he never completely believed them. He knew there had to be some purpose for him in this world, and they made it way harder than it should've been for him to figure it out. At one point in his life, he thought he could be an animal expert like Fluttershy, but he failed and moved on to something different. Then he thought he could be a firefighter, but he failed at that too. He continued to look for his purpose in the world, but failure was the only thing he knew. At least, until he discovered disharmony became his specialty. Creating chaos and disharmony was what he was best at for centuries, and he was almost positive it was his true destiny. Discord, the infamous Lord of Chaos would be his title. Until, of course, he failed at that, too. Three times.

And now, he was almost as sure as he was back then that using his chaos and creativity for good and to amuse others was his true destiny, his purpose, and she was about to shoot down his pride. He wasn't letting that happen. He wouldn't let those kids be right. Not after how hard he's tried and how far he's come.

But all he could do was cringe and grit his teeth. The fact that she hardly even acknowledged the fact that she just humiliated the Lord of Chaos in front of hundreds of ponies heated him the most, and they only found his anger hysterical. Was he that easy to expose?

It replayed in his head, over and over, and it didn't cease.

You're the most basic of jokes.

You're the most basic of jokes.

You're the most basic of jokes.

He opened his eyes, and a dark green flame of light emitted. He rose his head to meet the crowd, and searched for her in its bottomless pit. Oh, she was gonna pay, one way or another, and it was gonna hurt. All he had to do was find her, and he swore she would leave this gala bawling if it took him the rest of the night for him to crack her insensitive shell. Some ponies seemed to notice who he was looking for, and moved to cover her. That only made it more obvious, and he grinned as he ripped her from the crowd with his , the wicked flame still in his eyes. He used his magic to rip her from the group, and drew her closer to him.

The room fell silent, and Discord laughed, but clearly nothing was funny. Not to him, anyway. "So, now it's not funny?" He asked. He obviously wasn't really looking for an answer, so he continued. "Strange. Just a minute ago, you all were all in pain from laughter, clenching your stomach so your stomach wouldn't explode because it was that funny. But now you're quiet. Why is that? I'm not that much of a party pooper, am I?" The room remained silent. It was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop, and it just made it difficult for Discord to keep a straight face. "It doesn't really matter how much she humiliates me," she pointed an accusing finger at where she floated, "it's only really a problem when the big bad Draconnequus steps in to defend himself for once, hmm?"

"Discord, put her down!"

He turned his head to look at Pinkie. "Fine," He hissed. "As you wish." He dropped her sister to the ground next to him, and towered over her as she lay beneath him. She was still emotionless.

If she was going to insult him, she should've at least made a valid argument. Basic? He understood the joke part, but basic? He was the most complicated thing to ever exist in the history of Equestria. Basic? To him, that was nothing more than just a poor excuse for a remark. He laughed again and lowered his head to meet her level. "Need I remind you that the only basic thing here, is you," He said coldly. "I'll always have the ability to rip apart the very fabric of reality with my magic, and all you'll ever be is a pathetic, weak rock scavenger."

Some gasped, some 'oohed', but most stared in shock. But they all stared at her, waiting to hear her response.

"I at least have a job. Your only job is being an embarrassment to Equestria's good reputation." She said flatly.

She crowd gasped and looked back at him for his response. She was good, but not good enough. "At least my job has a good pay. The only reason you could afford to attend was because you were just a plus-one."

Now ponies were starting to laugh, turning to each other and talking about the whole situation, and he was feeling more confident about this. The only bad thing was that she seemed unaffected, but at least he had the attention, which was really his only intention in the first place. Nobody seemed to be protesting either, and that was a good thing. But he could tell his friends didn't like it, and that made him nervous. Would they still be his friend after this? He knew he'd probably be getting a lecture from Fluttershy, but she scolded him all the time so that shouldn't be a big deal.

She put her hoof in the air, getting the crowds attention back and stood up. They all turned to her, and she put her hoof down and cleared her throat, looking Discord dead in the eye with the most serious stare he had ever seen from her. It wasn't the worst, but it was scary. "At least she asked me instead of someone she met last week."

Then the crowd finally lost it. The pegasi flew around all over the room with their hooves on their heads and their eyes wide, shouting, "OH" repetitively at the top of their lungs. The earth ponies and unicorns, being unable to fly, jumped and ran around screaming the same thing, only extending the O's longer until they were out of breath, then continued. Some even had to hold onto the other's shoulder to keep them from fainting. Meanwhile, Celestia, Spike, and the girls (except for Fluttershy) were all standing there, laughing hysterically, rolling around on the floor and held onto their stomachs.

Soon, loud deafening airhorns boomed throughout the room and the ponies "OH's" grew louder. Discord rolled his eyes and tried shouting to get their attention back, but they were too far gone. All he could do was wait for them to settle down and finally listen to him. So he sat down on the stage and rested his chin on his paw and groaned. He had to admit, she completely destroyed him and his name, but this was getting out of hand. She didn't even know the whole story; She simply assumed he had his own ticket. Why waste it when you could bring someone else who couldn't afford a ticket? Her reasoning was pretty reasonable, he had to agree.

So he waited.. and waited. Eventually, Fluttershy landed gently beside him and tried to comfort the poor Draconequus when the air horns had finally died out. "Are you okay, Discord? That was.. um.. pretty bad."

He looked at her and tried to act shocked. "My dear, why ever would I not be okay? I'm simply waiting for things to calm down so I can return the flame." He pulled her closer to his side and slowly ran his fingers through her mane.

She looked up at him and frowned. "But Discord, you guys are being mean to each other.."

"And?"

"And you're hurting each other's feelings! Maud doesn't express her feeling very well, so it's hard to-'

Discord cut her off. "Feelings? What are those? I've don't believe I've ever heard of them." He let go of her and looked at his nails as if he was considering a manicure, and summoned a file and filed them. "Besides, she starts it, she gets what she started in return," he said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "It's only fair. And honestly, I'd much rather turn her into a ceiling fan and put her in the north pole, and even there she would still serve more of a purpose than she would here. But I suppose I can make an exception this time since she's Pinkie's sister. See? How nice of me! I told you I was reformed. I'm already making exceptions! Aren't you proud?" His voice got deeper at the last word.

"Yes, Discord. I'm very proud of you. But friend's aren't mean to each other, no matter who they're related to."

"Who said she was my friend?"

She sighed. "Discord..."

He let go of her and stood up, beginning to walk off. He decided to just deal with her later. "Anywho, I believe it's my turn to roast, so I'll let you sit and bask in my glory."

"But Discord!"

He didn't hear her. Or at least, that's what she thought. He just decided to ignore her. This was his only chance at revenge, and she was spoiling it. "Ahem!" he flew into the air and got the crowds attention. He turned back to Maud and pointed at her with his claw in roasthand form. "First off, Fluttershy thought of inviting me, but she thought I had my own ticket! Otherwise she wouldn't have thought twice about inviting this... DurteDom wannabe!" He pointed over at TreeHugger. "And don't think you're so special either. You were just a second choice, Maud." The crowd reacted the same way as before, but this time they all stayed in the same place and the air horns never went off.

"At least I was a choice."

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Well if I was a choice, I wouldn't have been the runner up."

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"I was still invited. You weren't."

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"If you mean not by the Ruler of all of Equestria, then your argument is invalid. Try thinking of an actual solid burn with that microscopic rock-loving brain of yours, Science Guy."

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

She said nothing, because there was nothing really to say. He won, she lost, and it was over. Maud looked around the room at the ponies who were either rolling around on the floor, or losing their balance from the loss of oxygen in their system. She even noticed the princesses were all giggling together, and her ears slowly fell to the side of her head. She looked down at the floor in defeat and embarrassment. Then after a short while, her ears rose back up as they recognized one laugh that caught her attention, and she searched for the owner of the laugh. "Hahaha, Maud," She looked over at Pinkie who was on the floor laughing. "He called you out!" A quiet noise came from Maud, and everybody turned to looked at her and their jaws dropped instantly, including Discord. Even Pinkie stopped mid-laughter to gape at her.

"What? Even she said I just called you out! How are you laughing?" Discord whined, putting a hand to his forehead. Maud giggled quietly. Her laugh was very similar to Fluttershy's, it was really gentle and not as exaggerated as Pinkie's, but that was what every pony had expected.

"As long as Pinkie's happy, I'm happy," She smiled.

Author's Note

yes the ending was rushed cause I ran out of ideas but hey what else could I do¯\_(ツ)_/¯

In case you're wondering:
-DurteDom is a YouTuber who is famous for being high or drunk all the time
-Bill Nye the Science Guy. Get it?
-Airhorns sound like this.
-This is the 'roasthand form':