"I hereby find the eight of you guilty of high treason against the Equestrian state." Celestia read from the parchment like it had just been given to her. She spoke as if she hadn't ruled on the case against her reign personally. She spoke as if she presided over just another case of stolen hay.
The eight stallions stood with their heads down. All of them had known when they'd joined the plot to take Celestia’s throne that this was the price of failure. Their plan was bold, and daring and just could have worked. The reward would have been high: Equal rulership of Equestria.
But high reward only came with a higher risk.
"Your majesty, the case being what it is." The bailiff, a staunch mare with thick glasses, looked up at Celestia. "I would advise you defer sentencing to another judge. The personal nature of this case may make it difficult for you to-"
"Thank you miss Grierhooves." Said Celestia. She smiled at the old mare. "I appreciate your efforts during this long process."
"Thank you your majesty." Miss Grierhooves looked at her notes and hid a bit behind them.
A pause settled over the room. One of the audience gave a stifled cough. They all waited for Celestia to speak her mind.
For two long months the trial had dragged on. The Bureau of Internal Consistency had notified her of the quiet transfer of funds between departments. Soon the conspiracy's inner workings were on her desk and collated for easier reading. She had let them go on and implicate themselves further. For half of a year she'd let the eight stallions plan her downfall.
Eight stallions, that was the talk of the trial. Eight stallions, that was surely not a coincidence. They'd said little after their arrest, and during the trial. Rumors about their motivations for this brazen plan swarmed. Surely it was no coincidence that an aggressive bunch of male ponies would try to usurp the throne.
The only thing more talked about than the plotters’ motivations, was what Celestia was going to do with the rest of the stallions in her government. Would she fire the rest of her
advisors? Would she keep them on and hope that they wouldn't get similar ideas of grandeur?
"I thank all of you in attendance." She stood and looked out at the court. "I am glad that we can have such a showing of civil pride in our country. If I can get my constituents to show up to jury duty I can get them to do anything." The crowd laughed nervously. Celestia glanced at the eight stallions. "As for the sentencing." She paused and everyone strained to listen. "You know, I suppose I should have thought of what I’d say before I started talking." She laughed. "I have been High Princess of Equestria for, oh, quite some time now." A few of the audience laughed. "I know my ratings aren't exactly perfect, but well, most of my opposition chooses to meet me legally and with the democracy of Equestria in mind." The room fell silent and Celestia looked at her desk. "The defendants, I think, were looking for a change of work. I suppose achieving my position is a good aspiration to have. Though upward mobility must occur through legal channels." She cleared her throat. "Perhaps the best course of action is to give them that change of work they so clearly desire."
The ponies in the audience looked at one another.
"The defendants are hereby sentenced to a change of work." Said Celestia. "Court is adjourned."
That was the last anypony heard about the case.
Princess Celestia privately requested the assistance of Princess Twilight Sparkle one summer evening some months after the case.
Twilight walked down the stone steps of the castle, carrying several books of spells. She had Spike bring all of the common magical ingredients she could think of. Princess Celestia had said nothing about the case after the trial, which made Twilight all the more uneasy. She reached the bottom of the stairs and adjusted her mane.
Twilight opened the door.
"Good evening your majesty." She said.
"Twilight, good of you to come. I am so sorry to take you from your studies." Celestia stood in a nondescript room. The walls were stone and there was a single window, from which a beam of moonlight splashed across the floor. Save for a single table, the room was empty.
"I brought Spike and the first eight volumes of expanded conjuring." Twilight said as her eyes adjusted to the darkness.
"Oh goodness I'm sorry to make the two of you truck all of that around." Celestia walked over to where Spike tottered with the towering bundle herbs and minerals. "Spike, you can just stick all of that in the corner, we won’t be needing it.” Spike deposited the ingredients on the floor. “Why don’t you head upstairs to the kitchen? Ask for a bowlful of diamonds, I’ve just gotten a shipment in and need a cultured dragon’s review of their quality."
"Certainly your majesty!" Spike was as eager as Twilight to avoid Celestia’s unknown task.
"Er, Spike is a good assistant." Said Twilight as Spike dashed out of the room. "He can help with most complex spells."
"Oh it's a small task." Said Celestia, turning and walking back to the table. It supported a small pile of basic magic ingredients. "I need several portals formed, then just a little help preparing a cauldron of Iudicium Quin."
"I'm not sure I follow." Said Twilight. "Why Iudicium Quin?"
"I am preparing a gift." Said Celestia.
"Your majesty, is this at all related to-"
"Twilight, what happened earlier this year- it's not just about me." Celestia said. "A lot of ponies could have been harmed. Getting rid of my leadership would have also meant cleaning out my cabinet. And then there would have been the matter of removing anyone who could prosecute those responsible for the coup for an illegitimate change of power." She smiled. "I would like to address and commend those ponies who were not directly threatened with this grievous plot, but who were just as endangered by it."
"I see." Said Twilight, unsure of her companion’s obfuscated intent. “What do you need me to do?”
"Prepare a few spells." Celestia shrugged. "And a give me a few suggestions."
They prepared the spells in silence. Celestia arranged a few herbs and a sapphire on the table and started to mix up the portals. Twilight kept looking at Celestia as she prepared the odd spell of Iudicium Quin. Celestia's expression never changed as she looked down at her work. Twilight's skin began to crawl; Celestia had that look, the look that she wore whenever she had been thinking for a very long time and finally come to a conclusion.
"Done your majesty." Twilight steadied the steaming cauldron atop the table. Twilight had learned Iudicium Quin during her second year at the Academy of Advanced Magic. The basic spell had so few practical uses that Twilight had never seen it used outside of a classroom. Celestia gathered the portals she’d conjured and bound them together. Twilight cleared her throat. "If I may ask, what is this gift?"
"The ponies of my administration are intimidated by me sometimes." Celestia laughed. "Can't say as I blame them." She peered into the cauldron of Iudicium Quin. "I want to give them a gift that soothes that fear. Twilight, I haven't been young in some time and I get to bed when I should. What kind of coffee do you young ponies drink?" Twilight let out a silent sigh of relief at the innocuous request, then struggled to think of a response.
"Uh, I'm not sure."
"It's not a trick question Twilight." Celestia said good-naturedly. "I'd just as soon guess carrot or turnip flavored. I'm hopelessly old and it doesn't do me any good if I give my civil servants an old mare's gift."
"Uh, well, my professors always have hazelnut."
"Perfect." Celestia scribbled the word onto a scrap of paper.
"What are you going to use the Iudicium for?" Asked Twilight.
"I’d love to give my servants the best coffee possible. But I’ve got a small purse to work with. If I go over that, they’ll be paying for the gift themselves." Celestia stirred the cauldron. "I thought that with a little magic, we could still give a good gift and not spend too much.”
"Iudicium doesn’t mimic flavors reliably." Said Twilight slowly. "And depending on the base substance it can-"
"Twilight, if you want to advise against my plan, feel free to." Said Celestia. She put her hoof on the younger Princess's shoulder. "I thought I'd do something nice since everyone's still a bit uneasy about how I felt about almost being ousted. I wanted this gift to be spontaneous but also practical. You’re the master magician, do you think you could help me make this work?"
"Yes, of course your majesty." Twilight relaxed a little. "The best flavors to mimic are basic, like vanilla, that's a common one. I’ll know I have a volume on adjusting Iudicium Quin’s adaptability. Once you have the base substance picked out, you can use that info to get the spell to work more effectively." Twilight frowned in thought. “I might have another volume on substitutionary ingredients. I could get that to you if you’re still having problems with compatibility.” Celestia smiled and gave Twilight a hug.
"Thank you Twilight, I'm glad I can have your mind helping me."
Twilight mixed together several vials of Iudicium Quin. She also wrote up a list of flavors for coffee creamer. Celestria thanked Twilight again, and told her to get back to her studies.
Another month passed.
The Bureau of Internal Consistency had tried to shy away from the trial. Their third-highest ranking director had funded the coup and received the cryptic conviction like the other seven conspirators. The rest of the Bureau had waited for a swift and quiet reckoning after the proceedings. Nothing had happened.
Celestia strode into their Cantorlot office on a Monday morning as they were setting up for the day. She walked past several sleepy ponies and into the main lobby. The receptionist nearly fell out of her chair as she saw the Princess standing by her desk.
"Your majesty! I'm sorry, I didn't know you'd be dropping by!"
"It's quite all right." Celestia stretched her neck. "I hate Mondays just as much as you do." She looked around. "Do you think you could assemble everyone here in a few minutes?"
"Yes, yes of course, I'll grab everypony!"
"Oh, would you mind not telling them I'm here? Just tell them I need to have a conference call out here." Celestia said. "I'd like to keep things informal."
"Yes, of course your majesty!"
Celestia stood around the corner from the lobby and watched the sun rise through the window.
The Bureau assembled in a few minutes, though not happily.
"Oh my God Shimmering Heart, it's eight in the morning, what could be so urgent that we need a conference call out here?"
"Is the Princess's line so shitty she needs us to use one phone line instead of the ones in our offices?"
"If I step out and she asks about me, you all say I was on assignment in Las Pegasus okay? I'll buy drinks tonight at Fletcher's."
"Good morning everyone!" Celestia stepped around the corner and the crowd of ponies pulled back. "No need for alarm." She gave them a bow. "I came to commend you." They stared at her. "You were and are an invaluable asset to this country. Without you, I would have never know about the plot to usurp my throne."
"We are deeply sorry for the actions of the director." Said Red Tape, the mare who ran the bureau. "Your majesty I can assure you that the instant I was informed about his treachery, I came to you. I can pull the relevant files if you’d like."
"Ma’am I don't doubt your integrity one bit." Celestia motioned for the mare to step forward. Red Tape hesitantly stepped toward Celestia. "I came with a gift." Celestia motioned to a panel covered in a sheet. The panel stood affixed to the wall next to the receptionist’s desk. The panel was about shoulder height and had evidentially been installed overnight. Celestia brought Red Tape to where it stood. "Now, if you'll bear with me." Said Celestia as she pulled off the sheet. "I think you'll like what I've gotten for you."
The room fell silent. The panel, labeled "Creamer", was made of carved marble and inlaid with gold lettering. Two rows of four openings were cut into the panel. From each opening hung a plump, colorful penis. The eight penises were partially erect and clear preejaculate dripped from their broad, blunt heads. Written on the side of each, in black sharpie, was a flavor.
"Your majesty- I’m not sure I understand." Red Tape said, backing away.
"Bear with me." Celestia took a cup from the receptionist’s desk. "I consulted with Twilight Sparkle about the proper spells and potions to use for this device. Tell me, what flavor do you prefer?"
"I-I, well-" The mare stammered for a few seconds and Celestia set the cup under the penis marked cafe mocha.
"I've made arrangements to keep this device filled at all times." She said. "Let me show you how it works first." She grasped the drooping penis with the magic of her horn. The ephemeral force took hold of the taut, speckled skin. She began to rub the member carefully. The Bureau looked on as Celestia stroked the stiffening penis. A slight, satisfied smile hovered on her lips as she rubbed. The veins on the shaft of the penis began to bulge and it stuck out further from the panel. Celestia slid the cup under the head and stroked harder. She squeezed on the cock as it flicked and pulsed. There came the soft, tense moans of a stallion, spreadeagled against a wall in the bottom of the palace, miles away. The penis gave a dribble of grey semen, then it bucked and jerked as he orgasmed. The penis shot a sharp squirt into the cup and the stallion's distant groans grew a louder. Celestia's minuscule smile grew a bit wider. She could still hear him panting and groaning as she flicked the last bit off of his tip. She gave the coffee a stir, then took a sip. The Bureau leaned forward as she swallowed.
"I'm a bit of a coffee philistine." She said with a sheepish smile. "Could you tell me how this tastes?" She offered the cup back to Red Tape. Red Tape wavered for a moment before taking the cup.
"I’m not one for mocha. I, er, do you have caramel?" She asked softly. Celestia nodded and took another cup from the desk of the receptionist. Setting it under the caramel colored cock, she began stroking the dispenser. This penis jerked to erection immediately and Celestia giggled a bit.
"You'll have to get to know them." She said. "They've all got a bit of personality." She rubbed him for only a few seconds before he ejaculated.
"Ahh, ahh!" Came the stallion's strained voice. His penis shuddered and he shot several thick threads of semen into the black liquid. Celestia put both hooves on the shaft and squeezed out the last few drops of caramel creamer. She stirred the coffee, then gave it to Red Tape. This time, Red Tape took a hesitant sip. The other members of the bureau looked on. The director raised her eyebrows, then took another swallow.
"This is, quite good. I don't know what to say." She bit her lip. "I must ask, why did you choose this particular, um, construction?"
Celestia looked back at the creamer station. Mocha cafe hung limp and caramel was bobbing from the last few tremors of his orgasm. The other six penises waited for their turn.
"These stallions wanted my position and perhaps it was because they thought they could do a better job than I am doing." She put her hoof under the head of amaretto and rubbed him. "Now they're serving their country in another way. My most trusted Bureau, the one that alerts to me the dangers of conspiracies, needs to be at their best at all times. These stallions are going to help you keep sharp, and that will suit them just fine I think."
The creamer station became a beloved mainstay of the Bureau of Internal Consistency. Everypony got to know the new dispenser intimately. Blueberry would give too much sometimes and only needed his tip rubbed for a few seconds. Vanilla gave just the right amount, but only if grasped tightly. Cinnamon would give a couple drops just from feeling the steam against his tip.
Ponies began to come in early to get a shot before anypony else. The flavor at the beginning of the day was stronger and more consistent. By the end of the day the dispensers drooped and often struggled to give much past a few meager drops. Celestia assigned a small, white dragon to maintain the dispenser overnight.
She checked up on the stallions from time to time. They were let out on weekends and evenings. However every Monday morning found them secured to the wall in the bottom of the palace, hips pushed out and members waiting in the portal leading to the lobby of the Bureau.
The Bureau became more confident and cooperative after they saw Celestia’s confidence in them. As time passed, they uncovered more conspiracies and crimes, and subsequently gained more flavors.
The money launderer gave a superb shot of raspberry. Even the assassin who nearly bombed Celestia's bedroom simply found himself tied, sprinkled with Iudicium Quin, and pushed into a slot marked “Brownie Batter”.
Any weekday morning found more and more criminal stallions, erect, waiting and dispensing in an ever growing selection. Conspirators, thieves and traitors all stood in their cells and started their new work, helping the Bureau make Equestria a better place.
Author's Note
This is technically part of a clop series about a new "take" on Celestia. I'll see if I do anything with it. Input is appreciated! Also I hope the formatting from Word didn't mess anything up.
Sorrow
