The Greatest Wizard Who Ever Lived

by Sofa King Zill-E

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Starswirl the Bearded
Length: 2847

This is a short story about Starswirl The Bearded. It is also a story about an Earth Pony. However, this not a story about two ponies.

This is a short story about Starswirl the Bearded. It is also a story about an Earth Pony. However, this is not a story about two ponies. This is a story about one pony.

One shot.
Depending on reader response, I may do more stories about Starswirl.

Edit: SWEET MOTHER OF MONKEY-MILK, FEATURED 4/24/2017!!! THANK YOU!!!

Published 2017-04-24 05:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-04-24 05:40:01 UTC

Starswirl The Bearded Is NOT What You Were Expecting

"We are grateful for you having come to address this issue yourself, highness..."

Princess Celestia looked down at Public Servant, the mayor of the village of Manehattan. He looked, well, exactly like you'd expect the mayor of a bustling, mid-Unification era village: He was a unicorn with a bland brown coat and mane, with a quill in an ink pot for a cutie mark. He was portly, although not quite fat, and wore a pair of spectacles. Of course, while he might have seemed stereotypical, he was anything but average: Anypony "average" would not have succeeded in transforming what was once a coastal village not even on any maps into a bustling port town, quickly working its way up to a full blown city. While the mayor might not have been fully responsible for this town's meteoric rise towards prosperity, he was the one who had laid much of the groundwork for that growth, and continued to oversee the town's continued expansion.

...Of course, all of that was now being threatened by repeated attacks by an ogre.

"I'm always happy to help my subjects," Celestia said with a nod, as the two walked through the streets of the city, a small honor guard of soldiers surrounding them. "Of course, I'm a bit concerned: I sent Starswirl the Bearded to remedy the issue weeks ago. He should have arrived long before now."

And there was the biggest reason for Celestia being here: Starswirl the Bearded was Equestria's best weapon against the manifold threats that assaulted the fledgling nation since its founding. While Celestia would know, through various mystical means, if Starswirl were gravely injured, or worse, slain, she had little need for concern: Starswirl was by no means young, and certainly not an alicorn, but he was most definitely able to look after himself.

So... where was he?

"Well, Starswirl never showed up," the mayor said with a roll of his eyes, "but..."

Celestia held up a hoof, stopping the mayor mid-sentence. The way the mayor said that name set off warning bells ringing in the alicorn princess' head. And these were not small bells. They were big, cast in iron, and went CLANG as they rang. "Did you, by any chance, have a pony arrive who... claimed to be Starswirl the Bearded?"

The mayor nodded and admitted, "Yes. And I'll admit, he had us going for a moment: He had the outfit and everything, even the little bells. But the moment he took off that hat, we..."

"Take me to him," Celestia commanded, fighting to keep the annoyance off of her tone and her face. This. Again. She should have known. She should have sent word ahead of Starswirl. No matter how hard she tried, there just wasn't any way to change how ponies thought. At least, not without using magic that she was in no way willing to use.

"What? But..." The mayor began to argue, but something in the princess' expression made Public Servant stop. Somehow, he got the feeling that anything he said, anything at all, would make the situation exponentially worse than it already was...

In the Manehattan jail, a white, bearded earth pony sat in a jail cell, eating a loaf of bread, with a small cup of milk to wash it down.

On the whole, Starswirl the Bearded reflected, this wasn't anywhere near as bad a prison as he'd expected. The food was decent, for one thing: They at least understood that a diet of solely bread and water could back up a pony's 'plumbing' in a most unpleasant way, and water was always available at his request. More impressively, the guard captain in charge of the prison did not, in fact, keep the keys to the jail cell hanging on a peg, or loosely hanging from his belt. He instead kept his keys in a drawer in his desk, well out of reach of any pony with a long stick, a whip, middling telekinetic ability, really long legs, or even a trained ferret. He also kept a list of regulations for each of his subordinates to follow.

There are never surprise inspections of the prison by anypony. Ever. Not even, and especially not, by anypony famous or important. Please remember to check for glamours on anypony who looks famous or important. If anypony attempts to refuse investigation, sound the alarm.

If anypony is ever sick in the cells, do not rush in to see to their health. You are not trained to treat illnesses or injury. Instead, sound the alarm, wait for backup to arrive, and then send a runner to the doctor.

Never, ever, ever, ever enter a cell when you cannot see the pony inside. Sound the alarm, and wait for backup to arrive before entering the cell to check to make sure the prisoner is missing.

Your 'Guardpony Guidebook' has pictures of all of your fellow guards and your commanding officers. We update that guidebook every time there's somepony new added to your ranks, a week before their first day, and we always introduce newcomers face to face with all other guards before the first day of duty. If anypony comes in saying it is their first day and you do not know them, ring the alarms immediately and detain the pony in question. The same goes for any new staff members, including, and especially, the cooks.

If you ever hear a strange noise, sound the alarms. Immediately. Do not attempt to investigate it, especially not by yourself.

Never approach the cells on your own, especially if the prisoners are actively trying to get you to approach. Nothing they have to tell you, or show you, is worth seeing.

Violation of these rules typically carries no punishment, since odds are that violating them will result in your injury, dismemberment, or death, and I have neither the time nor energy to go around beating a dead horse. For your own safety, follow these rules to the letter.

The wizard was honestly impressed. The guard captain here may well be the smartest pony to have ever held the job. He'd need to speak to the fellow later, and see if he might be willing to give lessons to other, less competent, ponies who did not run their prisons anywhere near as well.

Starswirl heard a distinctive 'clink' noise, that being the noise that Celestia's gold-plated hooves made when she walked on stone. The wizard allowed himself a small smile: He'd been wondering what had been keeping her.

"I swear," Celestia said, her tone carrying the distinctive cadence of someone trying very hard not to shout at the stupidity and ignorance of the common pony, "I've done everything short of having a crier sent to every village, town, and city in Equestria to shout it from the rooftops. I should. I really should. It would save me so many headaches. Instead, I have to waste my time with this..."

Starswirl finished his bread and then downed his milk with a final gulp.

Princess Celestia, tailed by the mayor of the town, stepped in front of the cell, and took a quick look inside. Then, after half a second, she gave a long sigh, and said, "Hello Starswirl."

The wizard smiled and said, "Hello Celestia. Nice to see you."

The mayor was now looking at the two ponies, confusion clear on his features. It was as if he'd spent his whole life believing two plus two equals four, and he'd just been informed that it equals Fish, instead.

"What are you doing?" the princess asked, calmly.

"It appears I'm under arrest," Starswirl replied in a cheerful voice. "I'm not sure of the crime. I think it's for claiming to be myself? I'm not sure how that works, really. I'm fairly certain that I'd need to consult a philosopher on that one, or a Zen master. I'd have left, but I distinctly remember a tall, important pony ordering me not to make a scene if this ever happened again. Especially after last time."

"And you've just been sitting here, doing nothing? While a monster has been terrorizing the city?" Celestia asked, anger beginning to tint her tone.

"I am not a honey wagon driver," Starswirl stated, his happy tone implying that he was currently so far beyond anger that he'd somehow come around the other side, and landed somewhere in the realm of amusement, someplace he'd been for so long that he may as well have applied for citizenship there. "I am not obligated to take anypony's shit. Not yours, and not anypony else's. If nopony is willing to believe that an earth pony can be a wizard, I see no reason why I should bother using my magic to help anypony."

That old argument. Equestria did not have a term like 'Achilles In His Tent', but if they did, it would probably been applied to Starswirl the Bearded. The most powerful wizard on the planet, bar none, but he refused to do anything for anypony if said pony was unwilling to believe he was a wizard, even after seeing what he could do. This was a result of the treatment he had received all his life: No magician's guild in any equine nation had ever allowed him entry, because he was an earth pony. No wizard would accept him as an apprentice, because he was an earth pony. No library of magic in the nation allowed him entry to peruse their numerous volumes of magic, because he was an earth pony.

Instead, he'd developed his magic, all on his own, completely self-taught, and had not stopped even when he'd become the equal of the strongest wizards on the planet. He was stronger than the ten best wizards on the planet put together (and that did, in fact, include Celestia, Luna, Sombra, and Discord), but even now, he did not receive any respect for it from the majority of the ponies he met.

This had led to Starswirl being... antisocial, in spite of his usually cheery demeanor. When he'd been in his twenties, he'd applied for a position of court wizard at the estate of an up and coming prince, the grandfather of Princess Platinum. The prince had replied to Starswirl's application by stating that he 'did not need a honey wagon driver'.

Honey wagons were the carts used to haul away the manure of ponies and various other creatures around the world. In Equestria, this role was universally held by Earth Ponies, as they didn't mind the smell, and the manure had a thousand uses, including fertilizer for the fields. It was a well-paying job in Earth Pony lands, and respected there as well, but to anyone not an Earth Pony, 'honey wagon driver' was both a racial slur and a term used for any pony who was beneath contempt, or even notice.

Thus, calling Starswirl that had been a mistake. The kind of mistake that goes down in history.

Starswirl's response to that was to say, "Well, you're about to," and then to use his magic to flood, not just the royal palace, and not even the royal capital, but the unicorn lands in their entirety with the foulest-smelling dung that anypony had ever smelled. And he'd enchanted it so that magic would not be able to remove it, and any attempts to so, or to magically transform it into something else, only resulted in it becoming even worse. It took years to remove it all by hoof, and it wasn't until Princess Platinum's generation that they'd managed to finally get the smell out of everything.

Ironically, this incredible display of power was what had brought Clover the Clever to seek out Starswirl to teach her the ways of magic. Of course, the story of how a young unicorn was able to convince Starswirl to take her in was a whole other story, all on its own.

Starswirl wore the most outlandish outfit possible, so that nopony could mistake him for anyone other than who he was, and it was only by Celestia's request that he didn't actually write the word 'Wizard' on his hat. And that outfit was so stereotypically ridiculous that nopony else could wear it without being embarrassed near to death. But the moment he took off that hat, nopony would believe he was who he was.

In Equestria, public opinion is that wizard and earth pony do not belong in any sentence other than 'An earth pony cannot be a wizard'. And this is in spite of the fact that there is living, breathing proof to the contrary.

Could anypony blame Starswirl for being upset about that?

Because of the years of mistreatment that Starswirl had received due to his race, however, the wizard took any remark about his race as a personal insult. However, instead of using his magic like he had in the past, he simply refused to do anything. Anything at all. Even if it meant the mass extinction of ponykind, worldwide. He'd nearly let all the equine races freeze due to the Windigo Scourge not that long ago, because his one attempt to offer assistance had been met with derision from Princess Platinum herself (An event that would, in the future, be carefully edited out of future Hearthwarming holiday plays), and Chancellor Puddinghead, who didn't know any better, had said nothing to contradict the unicorn princess. He refused to do anything to help anypony aside from Earth Ponies, most days. He'd not even obey Celestia's orders, were it not for the fact that Celestia and Luna were part Earth Pony, even if most ponies did, in fact, forget that important fact.

However, Celestia was not a honey wagon driver, either, and she would not take anypony's shit, not even Starswirl's.

Celestia frowned, and, after a moment, she said, with an air of command, "Starswirl the Bearded, I command you to free yourself."

"As you wish," the earth pony said, then proclaimed, seemingly to the air, "Toa thonna mondarr! Nocklith! Vohkbar!"
At the end of that announcement, the jail cell door suddenly turned to dust. The wizard calmly walked out, and then a moment later, the dust reformed itself into a door once again.

The mayor, flabbergasted, simply stared at the wizard, incapable of believing the evidence of his own eyes.

"Now," Celestia stated, her tone as imperious as before, "there is a monster that has been terrorizing this city. It is hurting my ponies, and it doesn't care whether they are unicorn, pegasus, or earth pony, even if you do. Please dispose of it."

The wizard swept off his hat, gave a deep bow, and said, "As you wish, your majesty."

Fifteen Minutes Later...

Where once an ogre stood, there was now only a smoking crater in the middle of the town square. The entire city had turned out to watch, expecting Celestia to take care of the beast. Instead?

It hadn't been a fight, or a mismatch, or even a slaughter. Even the word curbstomp, had Equestria had such a word, would not do justice to what had occurred. The ogre has said something in its guttural, bestial lingo. Nopony had understood it, save Starswirl, but his reaction to it had made the context crystal clear. Starswirl's response had been a simple "Lockmore Danalora, Lofashock Danu."

The first bolt of fiery death and annihilation that came down from the heavens would have been sufficient, even for ten ogres. However, more followed. Dozens more. It was five minutes, and over three hundred such blasts, later, when it finally stopped.

"That was a bit much," Celestia said, her nose wrinkling at the smell of charred flesh and ozone that filled the air. The smell, and the crater, were the only things left of the beast...

"He insulted me," Starswirl stated, irritation clear in his voice. "Me, and earth ponies everywhere. And believe me, you have not been insulted until you have been insulted in Ogric." He turned around, and looked at the crowd, every pony present sporting eyes wide in shock and jaws dropped. "There are three things that I want to make perfectly clear to everypony present." He swept off his hat so all could see he was an earth pony, and then raised his voice, shouting so that every pony present would hear.

"FIRST, I AM STARSWIRL THE MOTHER-RUTTING BEARDED, AND DON'T YOU EVER FORGET IT! SECOND, I AM A RUTT-MOTHERING WIZARD. I HAVE KICKED WHOLESALE ASS TO GET THAT TITLE, AND I WILL BE TREATED WITH THE RESPECT THAT TITLE DESERVES! AND THIRD, I AM A MOTHER-RUTTING EARTH PONY, AND IF ANYPONY THINKS THAT AN EARTH PONY CAN'T BE A WIZARD, FEEL FREE TO SAY SO NOW!"

Nopony did. There rarely was anypony who did after a display like that.

Slamming his hat back down atop his head with a jingle of little bells, Starswirl said, "Damn right."