God of Love Spike

by Silver Butcher

Rating: teen
Tags: Discord, Anthro, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Spike, Comedy, Romance, Shining Armor
Length: 3436

Spike is turned into the God of Love, and he sucks at it

Spike is turned into the God of love, and he sucks at it in every way imaginable, now he has to fix the "Lovely" Mess he's made.

Sidenote - I started this story before Starlight was a character so she's not going to be in it.

Published 2017-08-15 18:20:05 UTC
Last updated 2018-12-23 11:30:28 UTC

Prologue

Discord was in the middle of tea time with Fluttershy and was just about to refill his cup when a letter popped into existence in front of him. He grabbed it and read it.

"Dear God of Chaos Discord the current Goddess of love Redwing is retiring, and after a careful debate, it has been decided that you will be the one to find her replacement. Wishing you the best of luck,

God of Messages - Boris

"are you ok?" Fluttershy asked when she noticed he was looked exasperated at the note, "Did someone send you some bad news?"

"no, I'm fine, I've just been chosen to make somepony a God." Discord said as he handed the letter to Fluttershy, who read the short note quickly.

"Oh my! Why you? Why not this Borris fellow?"

Discord snorted at the idea "Boris hasn't left his "office" in over 2 thousand years. and I was chosen the same way it's always chosen, they spun a giant wheel with all the God's on it and it landed on Chaos. Though I'm surprised Red Wing is retiring, she was always into the whole love thing, maybe she decided to try it out for herself and it went sour......yes that's probably it," Discord looked out the window, lost in thought about who he should pick, he couldn't choose any of the Main 6, they were God's of Harmony, even if they hadn't realized it yet. No, it had to be someone who they liked, after all, It might make the loss of their loved ones easier if they at the very least got to keep one of them. But the who was still up for debate, "Hm...Hey, Fluttershy?"

"Yes?"

"Who do you consider one of your favorite friends, who isn't me, one of the other elements of harmony?"

"Oh? um...well...there's my family, Spike, and um..."

"That's all thanks." Discord interrupted as his decision was made, he couldn't just make one of her Family members Immortal, they'd be a constant reminder that the other's died. So that left the only other name spoke...." Out loud he said "well I'm off to make Spike the God of Love, spread the word!" and Discord disappeared leaving a surprised Fluttershy to piece together what had just happened. Spike, meanwhile, was helping Twilight with reshelving when Discord popped into existence

"Ahh!" Twilight yelled, "Discord...I told you if you needed me for anything to knock on the door!"

"Loophole!" Discord said as he did a loop in the air and pointed over to her assistant "I'm here for Spike!"

"What?" Spike asked, "If you wanna play Ogres & Oubliettes you'll have to wait until my break..."

"No no no," Discord Interrupted "Guy's night isn't for another 4 days. No, I came to tell you the great news!"

"Oh?" Twilight asked, "and what's that?"

"The Goddess of Love is retiring!!" This was followed by a few seconds of silence.

"Huh?" Twilight asked as she and Spike shared a bemused look with each other,

"And this involves me how?"

"It is my job to find a replacement, so..." Discord Lion hand turns Pink and Red and he proceeded to bop Spike's nose, Spike turned Red and Pink as well, with the color disappearing from Discord's hand and turning back to normal before anyone can react Discord yelled "so congratulation's God of Love Spike, you're hired!! This was met with silence, it was evident that neither Twilight nor Spike knew how to react to this, so Twilight just stood there dumbfounded when Spike looked himself up and down when he noticed something on his chest.

"Is this a cutie mark?" he asked, gaining Twilight attention and helping her to stop staring dumbfounded at Discord and instead look at Spike, It was a bow and arrow surrounded by three hearts, after looking at it the only thing that Twilight could think to say was.

"that's not where it's supposed to be."

"well, he is a dragon" Discord replied as he looked at the mark on Spike's chest.

"That makes it even more confusing" Twilight Retorted sharply "Dragons don't get cutie mark's, and if they did they sure the Hay wouldn't be a bow and arrow!" while they were arguing cutie mark's, Spike wished he could see himself better and with a sudden flash of pink Spike found a hand mirror in his hands. he looked at himself, all his green had turned red and all his Purple was Pink, and for some confusing reason he was wearing a large white cape.

"I look stupid, " Spike decided.

"Oh, I said the same thing," Discord said, "You get used to it. Now let's go!" with a click of his fingers Discord made himself and Spike disappear. before Twilight could do anything else, there was a knock on her door, she opens it with magic and was greeted by Fluttershy.

"um.....Twilight. I think I may have sent Discord after Spike.

Meanwile in creator know's were

"um." was all Spike could think to say at what he saw. Discord had brought him to what looked like a giant treehouse, covered in what looked like Heart Fruit, with a tye-dyed ground

"this" Discord began "Is the land of Love, and it makes me sick just being here, so I'm gonna leave and let Redwing tell you what's going on." with that Discord disappeared.

"So you're my replacement?" a voice asked startling Spike and making him spin on the spot, behind him was A pink and red Griffons. She looked tired. "I'm Redwing" Spike looked at her wings, they were indeed very Red. "Welcome to the land of love. she said. She clicked her fingers and in a pink flash, Spike was wearing a quiver, with a bow in one hand and A crimson scroll tied in the middle with a golden ribbon in the other.

"What the...."

"The bow is a love-seeking bow, learn to use it. The Red Arrows will make any Pony, Griffin, Dog, Cat, Minotaur, Zebra, anything fall in love with the next thing you hit with an arrow and vice-versa. The Black Arrows will do the exact opposite. The Scroll is magic and will document everyone you've ever meet and show the 2 who have the most in common. so all I can say is, Never. Miss. You're. Target. After that, you're on your own. Any questions?

"uh?"

"Good. see ya later Dragon." and with that RedWing disappeared in a shower of bubbles. Leaving Spike standing alone with his hand up slightly and a Claw pointing up.

"How do I leave?" Spike asked the empty world. After walking around he found that logic wasn't something this place had ever heard of. He'd tried to throw a rock and it turned into pink bubbles mid-air. After a few minutes, he found and an archery range. The only piece of advice he had been given "Never. Miss. You're.Target." rang in his ears so he tried a few shots. and none of them even got close to the target. he snapped his finger and said

"shot," with cause 2 things to happen his bow left his hand, and A bow came out of his quiver and loaded itself into the bow. Spike looked at it for a second, then tried his luck "Bull's-eye," the bow shot and the arrow landed direct center of the target. After figuring out he could do this. He thought to himself "Great now I just have to figure out how to teleport."

Chapter 1- The Church

Spike was sitting in his new Tree-house in the land of Love. He was eating one of the Red Heart Fruit, so far each one tasted different, from Sweet to sour, and from Fruit to Gems. He was enjoying his Godliness, just relaxing. his new Tree-house was confusing as all heck, the room looked normal, but he swore that it was constantly changing. when he had first entered there had been a chandelier, but now there was a Skylight. the Floor had been Been Wooden when He had walked in, then It had changed to Marble a little later, now it was Carpeted. Spike took another Bite out of his fruit and immediately spit it out.
"Too bitter," he said with a cough. he looked back at the roof, it was now a bunch of hearth's warning lights. Spike pulled out one of his arrows and spun it, he was about to get more fruit when Princess Cadence teleported behind him, and Hug tackled him.

"Congratulations!" She cheered as Spike yelled in shock, "I can't believe you Became a Love God!" She Stood up and after helping him to his feet Spike blinked at her.

"How on earth did you get here?"

"I'm the Princess of Love," She gave an awkward cough "So long as you decide to....let me continue being it." She shook her head "Anyway, I'm both here to congratulate you, and Suck up to you, as you are now my boss." Spike's eye's widened at this

"What?"

"I'm the Princess of Love, you're the God of Love... I manage Love for the Ponies of Equestria...you Manage love for everything else, I'm just here to help...take some of the strain off of the job." Spike nodded

"All alright, so I can make you the Princess of love under one...condition," Cadences Face turned bright red, and Spike realized the underlying tone he had unintentionally left "Not that! Your basically my Sister!" Cadence sighed in relief "I just wanna know how to get home,"

"Oh, that! Don't Worry Discord is on his way to find your body as we speak."

"Again, and I'm sorry this is all I'm saying to pretty much everything...What?"

"Once you became a God your Body was turned to Stone, You can only be allowed in Equestria if A princess or Artifact of Great Power grants you access to the mortal realm"

"Then how did Discord..."

"Nopony knows, in all likely hood it was probably on accident." suddenly her entire body began shimmering out of existence "and that's my cue, see you in Equestria." She said as she faded away, Spike looked at where she had been in stunned silence

"I gonna go eat more Heart Fruit." he muttered as he summoned one and took a bite "Yum...Saphire." suddenly a loud scraping noise rang in his ears fading in and out and began turning into Discord's voice

"Sorry, first time's the worst, it'll get easier with time!" Spike held his hands to his head, through his left eye he saw the Land of Love, through his right he could see Discord, after several seconds he saw nothing but Discord, who then gave him a pat on the Back, he Felt a Hand on his Back and turned to See Cadence helping him stand through the ear-wrenching pain

"What the actual fuck was that!?"

"Sorry, Your Stone body was transported into the middle of a Chruch in The Crystal Empire dedicated to your worship, had to convince them to let me take you."

"And?" Suddenly a sound wave of cheers and praises hit Spike's ears, Discord moved so Spike could see the mob of Crystal Ponies who where bowing and celebrating his name

"This day just keeps getting weirder," he said, "Since when do I have a church?"

"I know right, I don't even have one of those" Discord said, "no justice in this world, anyway Cadence, this is your problem now." Discord snapped away and Cadance patted Spike's Back.

"You doing alright?"

"Nope, not at all" he replied as a Mare in Purple robes approached and bowed at Spike's Feet

"My lord," She said in awe, Spike looked down at her and without knowing how knew her name,

"Midnight Sonata." He said, then blinked "hm?" he questioned looking at Cadence who shushed him

"Yes My Lord, I and the Priestess of this Church, I Bow before you, asking humbly for your permission to remain not only head of this Church but to be given permission to expand to more locations to spread words of your name, and to bring joy and kindness in your Name." Spike looked down at her in silence for a moment

"I Don't see why not," He said, Once more being followed by cheers, he offered the Priestess his hand, who was, in turn, trembling and sobbing, using every word in her dictionary to thank him. Spike tried to calm her down, but all the attention she was getting from him seemed to be only making it worse, After a while, she managed to Stop and Spike offered her a hankie,

"Thank you, My Lord, I...I promise you I will do Good, and Spread the Word of your Love, and in turn, bring Love to your name across not only Equestria but even beyond her borders." She said as she used the hankie to wiped her eye's, she then folded and pocketed it and Bowed to Spike once more before making her way to her Lectern to continue her sermon

"Now, let us gather again, in the Great Lord Spike's Name, so as to begin what is the dawning of a new era!" She began as Cadence and Spike teleported away, Spike leaving behind a shower of Rose petals.

Spike and Cadence arrived in the Crystal Empire castle

"Alright before you go home to Ponyville, I need you to re-mark me as the Princess of Love."

"How?"

"Just shake my hand and think about it." the grasped each other's hand

"You are the Princess of Love Cadence?" He asked, Cadence body turned Red for a moment before turning back to normal, she smiled

"Thank you...My Lord."

"Don't you dare call me that!" Spike shot back immediately

"Aw, what's the matter, You should be happy, I give it a month before a War starts over the right way to worship you." Spike opened his mouth, thought for a second, then shut it

"Shit." was all he had to say to her.

Author's Note

A lectern is what a Priest or Priestess stands behind when they read from their Book's of Faith.

this had been your random word I put in my story fact of the day

Chapter 2- While you where away

"So... any idea as to what I should do now?" Spike asked awkwardly as he and Cadence sat down and looked out over the Chrystal empire, a few ponies in cloaks were praying next to his statue. Cadence mentally prepared herself for the conversation they were about to have

"How about we start with how you feel" She tried "Any questions you want to ask?" Without hesitation, Spike asked the first three questions on his mind

"How did I get a church so fast? And what were the odds of my statue ending up there? And why did it take you a month to find me?"

"Alright, first your Church is over a year old, it was made after some crystal ponies got it in their head you where a deity and they thought that if they prayed to you, you would keep them safe from evil, When A God's Body is turned into a statue it will always be teleported to the location with the most love for them so the god can still be worshiped, Your Church isn't exactly public about its existence, Discord found your body in less than an hour, but as the headmistress of the church and the unintentional overseer of your body, Midnight Sonata was able to prevent Discord from entering." Spike stared at her in silence for a second

"Any Particular reason for that?" he asked when she didn't get the hint that she hadn't properly explained the situation.

"Oh, She was under the impression he was attempting to steal your gift to them."

"Cadence I swear to Celestia, Explain better!" Cadence sighed and took a deep breath.

"Sonata thought the Statue was a gift from you for her work, and when Discord neglected to properly explain himself and attempted to just pick up the statue and leave she threw a rock at him, then your stone body Bitch slapped him and he was teleported back to Twilight's castle." Spike blinked and waved her back

"Backup, My Statue..."

"Bitch-slapped Discord." Cadence confirmed, "as I already mentioned Sonata was the overseer of the church and your body, so when she showed signed of distrust in Discord..."

"I.E When she chucked a rock at him."

"Yes, when she did that your body sided with her and forced him out of the church and to his overseer."

"Who the fuck is...you know what, never mind. It's Fluttershy isn't it."

"Yup. Anyway, after the statue bowed to her and returned to its original position she...after praying most likely... Mistook Discord for your adversary and declared war on him and anyone he was connected to."

"I'm... I'm sorry? Declared way?"

"Against Discord, yes." Cadence confirmed, "There was quite an anti-Discord Campaign going around...The "War" Itself lasted about 12 minutes, but the build-up lasted a week, and it took 3 weeks for the other princesses and me to convince them we were trying to help you."

"12 minutes?"

"Discord surrendered."

"That just opens more questions!" Spike responded irritably!

"He gave up when your power prevented him from entering, and after the 9th time getting a rock to the face he was done, so he went to Twilight, and she told me and the others what happened, and we started delegating, and we reached an agreement."

"What did they make you guys do?"

"Nothing, Midnight Sonata just wanted to be given verbal permission to run your church from you. it just took us a while to get her to believe you where the statue, then she let us in, then we sat down and I was set to the land of love to anchor the dimension to this one, and then Discord pulled you back and you know the rest." Spike frowned

"So now what?"

"I don't know, You're a god now, you can do as you please," Cadence responded with a smile, Spike looked over the edge of the balcony down at the crystal ponies below, "Just be wary" Spike looked back at Cadence, who had a worried look on her face "Sonata can summon you now, similar to how Twilight can summon Discord, Celestia had the power and handed it down to Twilight, and blessing Sonata more than likely gave her a similar ability

"Wait...how did Celestia get...?"

"I haven't the slightest idea." Cadence replied, "She wouldn't tell me when I..." Before the two could continue their conversation the door behind them slammed open revealing Twilight.

"Where is he!" She Demanded before catching the eye of him "Oh Thank Celestia!" She cheered with teary eyes as she ran to him and squeezed the daylight's out of him

"Ack!" Was Spike's only response before exploding in her arms into a flurry of rose petals and re-materializing behind Cadence, The two Princesses turned and watched as he spun on the spot, his eye's spinning in their sockets "Wha' happened?" He asked woozily before falling to the floor.

"Teleportation" Twilight replied as she brushed the rose petals off her shoulders, she sniffed and stopped "What the..?" She sniffed her arm and laughed "I smell like fancy Perfume." Cadence sniffed and snorted

"Spike you're a walking beauty salon!" She laughed as Spike sat down and waited for the world to stop spinning

"Great" He muttered as he swayed back and forth, the two princesses made their way over to him and helped him to his feet

"It'll get easier to teleport as time goes on," Twilight said happily

"You seem calm" Spike noted

"I've coped with what's happened, Now I'm just excited I get to help you learn to use your magic." Spike frowned and looked over at Cadence in confusion

"She calmed down about 9 day's ago, now she's just ecstatic that you can learn magic." before Spike could reply to that Twilight began dragging him out

"Come on Spike, Your first lesson will be teleportation practice, a couple dozen teleports and that wooziness should be a thing of the past, then we'll try levitation, you can practice a few dozen basic spells, and..." Cadence watched as Spike was dragged out while Twilight read of her extensive list of lesson plans for him, she was ready to leave them be when she realized she'd forgot to ask him an important question,
"Wait, Spike do you know how the Arrow's work!" She yelled out as she ran after the two.