Four Legged Apes Who Decide To Stand Upright Are Weird
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Ferraris, Regrets, And Apes
Four Legged Apes Who Decide To Stand Upright Are Weird
I recently visited the human world. Let me explain.
So I couldn't be bothered spending one more day in Equestria. Now, this isn't my suicide note but I wanted to break the grueling monotony of having to listen to a buttoned-up pretentious foal with a tophat telling me how politics in Equestria are going.
The Royal Sisters are probably in their thousands. Which is a lot of time to be alive. I'm barely twenty-three. What possibly makes them think that I, a bookworm who once thought that Tuesday was the end of the world, would have the same intellect to make a decision that might determine our futures.
Oh right, I don't.
But never-the-less, I have to sit around a table of buffoons who would rather put their flank on a couch and read stocks than go outside. I mean, have you heard the 'conversations' they have?
"Hello colleague!"
"Hello mutual associate! Have you seen the sublime weather today? It's absolutely gob smacking! Oh, I must go out and eat crumpets and take dumps in porcelain bathrooms. I hope I don't tarnish the wood on my new king-sized bed!"
Entitled. Little. Oafs.
So, to break the streak of boredom, I set off to travel to another multiverse. Which one would I land in? Would I survive? Did I care? Not really. Because if I have to spend the rest of my life looking at a monocle and a swirly mustache, I'd rather spend it running away from unknown creatures in a place called Agtharauk.
I charged up my energy.
A sensation I've never felt before swirled up inside me. My heart was pounding out of my chest. My eyes filled up with tears.
The room spun!
The carpets burnt from the sheer force of it all and---
Top Gear Headquarters, Great Britain; Tuesday, 19:45
"Tonight, James wears a hat. I wear a hat. And Hammond wears a hat."
A guitar riff plays. It's the Top Gear theme song. Images of cars and the presenters are shown in black boxes until the title comes up in full view.
"Top Gear"
The camera pans in on an orangutan...
No wait.
Oops.
Let me type that again.
The camera pans in on Jeremy Clarkson. He introduces the show.
"Welcome everybody! Brilliant show for you tonight, but first... let's do the news."
Two presenters come up from the audience. James May and a hamster.
No wait, that's Richard Hammond. My bad.
"So chaps," says Jeremy, "What do you have in store for us today?"
James May, an old woman disguised as a man, speaks first.
"Actually I have something quite interesting to show you, if they'd show on the telly real quick... There we go, look at that."
On the television, a huge gaping hole is in the middle of the pacific ocean, it seems almost supernatural.
"If you look through there, it's almost like there's another world if you know what I mean. It's absolutely incredible."
"May?" asks Hammond.
"Yes?"
"Do you feel a slight breeze?"
James looked at the little hair on his hands. They were moving quite a lot even though the air conditioning had been turned off.
Something felt weird too.
"You're both right actually, my jacket is starting to ruffle. Do you think we should---
Clarkson was interrupted when the wind suddenly increased immensely. The pieces of paper in James's hand were whisked out and started to form a tornado of paper. Other small items were gathered until a bright flash of purple light, where all the items were propelled away.
Leaving only one thing in the middle.
A certain purple pony.
"Woah. Apes."
Twilight was amazed. Absolutely bewildered. She couldn't take her eyes off the hairless creatures. Well, most of them were hairless.
"I... Uh... Who... You..." said a bewildered Clarkson.
"Wow! I mean, you guys talk too? Woah, what the heck is that thing? Where do you even keep your carriages? Who's in charge here? How many hooves am I holding up? How do you eat? What's your reproduction cycle like? Where's the trigger? Did you take my daughter? Is this real? So many questions!"
"Well. It seems our scheduled programming has been interrupted... Should we keep this in or should we stop the cameras rolling?" Asked Clarkson.
"I say we continue with the news," Added Hammond
"What? With a cartoon character?"
"Yes."
Clarkson nodded at the cameramen to reshoot.
"Alright, let's start again."
"Okay, it is now time to do the news! We also have a technicolor horse."
"Rawr."
"Yes, very good. Now, as you all know, there have been an increasing abundance of speed cameras over the country. Mrs. Horse, what do you think of this."
"Uh... bad. No good! That's the correct answer, right?"
"Yes. Yes, because these are obviously supposed to cause a decline in the rate of car accidents. Do you know what a car is Mrs. Horse?"
"Call me Twilight Sparkle."
"Okay, Mrs. Twilight---
"I'm not married."
"Okay Ms. Twilight. Do you know what a car is?"
"We have carriages."
"Oh we had those."
"How long ago?"
"A thousand years."
An awkward silence.
"Anyway, back to speed cameras. There have been a group of scientists who have been researching this, and I'll tell you they are proper scientists, have said that only seven percent of accidents are caused by excessive speed. Seven! Not only that but if we look at this chart, you can see that the rate of accidents have been the same!"
"Wow. How can you guys build vehicles that drive themselves but do that"
"We're run by imbeciles, plain and simple."
"So," cuts in James May, "I have great news!"
"What?"
"The DACIA Sandero is coming to London in three weeks!"
A picture of a grey, ugly-looking family car beams on the screen.
"Cool. Now, the Ferrari FXX has had its price revealed. What's money for you, Ms. Twilight?"
"Bits."
"Well, then. Is two million bits a lot?
Hammond's eyes open.
"What! You've got to be pulling my leg! Two million quid?"
"Yes. And not only that, but you won't own the car. You'll be allowed to take it for a drive in a specific location and depending on your performance, they'll upgrade the car for future Ferraris which, if you presumably have bought this, you'll probably buy too." says Clarkson.
James May smiles at Twilight, "Yes, and we even have it here ready to use on our test track."
Everyone looks at Twilight.
"What?"
Celestia treads down the hallway furiously.
"What is her problem? Does she not know it's irresponsible to go around traveling to places she doesn't know about!"
She stops in her tracks as Twilight comes in full view of her. Bruised and bloody.
"What the..."
"Long story. Bald hairless apes. Ferraris. Hospital."
