Why There Are So Many White Unicorns in Equestria

by Captain_Hairball

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Starswirl the Bearded, Sex, Princess Celestia
Length: 8983

Nineteen-year-old Princess Celestia can’t stop worrying about death. She tries to distract herself by banging every handsome stallion she can find, but her suitors are never around, and her resentful little sister is up to something.

Nineteen-year-old Princess Celestia, fresh from her and Luna’s victory over Discord, can’t stop worrying about death. She tries to distract herself by banging every handsome stallion she can find, but her suitors are never around when she needs them, and her resentful little sister is up to something. What's a teenage princess to do?

Sex tag for mature themes, immature jokes, and (barely) off-stage frolics. Contains no clop.

Written for the Imposing Sovereigns contest.

Cover art source.

Published 2017-03-15 12:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-03-15 12:40:01 UTC

Chapter 3

Celestia lay in her bed, soaked in sweat. She couldn’t sleep. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw the cadaver’s flayed, bloodless corpse laid out in front of her. She’d had to play it cool in front of Luna, but… Ugh. It made her think of things she’d seen in the war. Things she could never unsee. Things that made her feel like tiny insects were crawling all over her hide. She scrubbed at her coat with her hooves, but it didn’t help. She was going to be like that thing one day. Maybe torn apart my some monster. Maybe coughing herself to death as some gross old crone. Who knew?

The blankets wouldn’t stay on her. Everywhere she lay, there was a lump in her mattress. She stuffed her pillow over her face and shouted into it. Then she held it there. She’d read trashy novels about jealous lovers smothering their unfaithful special somepony under a pillow. But she was getting plenty of air under here, to be honest. She thought if she held it there long enough, she might pass out, and then at least she’d be asleep.

She needed to sleep! She had to be up at sunrise! She had to be up at sunrise. For the rest. Of. Her. Life! It was so unfair! Oh, she wished she were dead!

No. Wait. No she didn’t. Death was what was keeping her awake!

Still. If she did manage to smother herself in her sleep, at least she wouldn’t have to worry about death any more.

Did that make any sense? She was too tired to tell.

She slid out of bed, sweaty and disheveled, and levitated on a nightgown. She still had trouble getting her wings in the wing holes. A glance in her vanity mirror showed that she was a mess; she dragged a brush through her long pink mane until it looked sort of presentable. So. A little trip down to the kitchen for some milk and cake would settle her down.

The palace was so peaceful at night. Her hooves rang on the marble flawless marble floor. Moonlight sparkled trough the newly completed stained glass windows depicting her and Luna’s recent victory over Discord.

The windows were beautiful. The actual battle hadn’t been so pretty.

She was jealous of her sister, sometimes. Sure, most crimes were committed at night. And if there was a sneak attack, she supposed it would probably happen at night. But still, night time seemed so easy. Her shift was always packed sunrise to sunset. Everypony wanted to talk to her! She enjoyed the work, and she certainly enjoyed the attention. But some days it was all just too much.

Anyway. It was a long walk to the kitchens. The Everfree Palace (which ponies were already calling ‘the Palace of the Two Sisters’, as if it hadn’t been their family’s winter retreat for generations) was excessively large. She could probably cut a small but noticeable chunk out of the budget by renting some of this space out. Or maybe move a lot of government offices up from the city? That might be more practical.

She was crossing a colonnaded atrium, thinking about how many tax officers’ desks they could fit into it, when something caught her eye. Or, rather, somepony. A young unicorn janitor — a year or two older than her at most — teal blue, with ultramarine eyes. Lanky and awkward, but strong, and so handsome. His withers filled out his royal servant uniform very well, and his butt? You could melt butter on those cheeks. Unf. Well. She had experience with colts. She knew how she could distract herself from thoughts of death. And nopony would ever need to know.

He hadn’t seen her. Celestia ducked into the shadows of a pillar and made some changes. Wings invisible. Mane dark brown, fur tan, eyes blue. She couldn’t do anything about the cutie mark with magic, but hopefully he wouldn’t make the connection. Other ponies had sun cutie marks, right? Just a coincidence. She ducked out of the nightgown and transmuted it into a pile of dirty linens. Disguise complete. She hurried across the atrium, and blundered right into him, dropping bedsheets everywhere. He yelped in surprise, broom clattering to the floor.

“Oh my gosh!” said Celestia. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t see you there!”

“What?” said the stallion. “How? But… this room is as big as a hoofball field. How did you not see me?”

Celestia giggled, and gave him her best princess-next-door smile. “I’m so dreadfully clumsy!”

He blinked. The smile was working. “It’s… it’s okay,” he said, grinning and blushing. He held out a hoof to help her up. “I’m Clean Sweep. What’s your name?”

“Oh, hi,” she said, accepting the gesture. She glanced at the broom-and-dustpan cutie mark on his flank. That must’ve been a disappointing one to get. “I’m… um… I… My name is…”

His eyes narrowed in confusion. “Your name is…?”

“Give me a second. I’m very forgetful, too!” She giggled and smiled harder. Keep working, smile!

“You don’t… remember… your… name?” A vein under his eye twitched.

“It’s… Sunny Smiles! Yeah!” There. That worked the cutie mark into it, too. Genius!

Clean Sweep grinned. “Oh! I can see why. You have a really beautiful smile.” Good. He was fooled.

“I’m new here,” she said, scooping up the linens with her magic. He hurried to help her. Fooled and hooked. “Could you show me where the laundry rooms are?”

“Sure,” he said, grinning from ear to ear.

And the rest was history. Naughty, hot, sweaty history. They’d done the deed once with hooves and kisses in a shadowy corner on the way down. Twice more in a pile of clean bedsheets in the laundry room. Oh, the cleaning staff was going to be livid when they saw the stains! He’d been surprised at how forward she was, but he’d responded vigorously. He was a champion, a freight train of passion. And he always wanted to look in her eyes when he was inside of her. Which was hard to pull off. But very sweet!

He did seem a little confused when his hooves brushed an invisible wing, but she had better places for those hooves to be, and was able to keep him distracted. And he had remarked on the cutie mark, but she had pretended to be gushingly flattered by the comparison. Yep. Just a weird coincidence.

When it was all over and they’d kissed goodbye, she practically floated to the kitchen. Actually she’d teleported there the second she was out of his sight, grabbed some treats, and was back in her bedroom before the night guard could catch a sexily disheveled brown unicorn mare raiding the pantry. She fell asleep with the cake half-eaten on her bedside table.

———

Celestia felt gross when she crawled out of bed in the morning. Not because of the sex — that had been awesome. Because of the cake. She shouldn’t have eaten that, it was going to go straight to her butt. That stallion. What was his name. Clean Sweep. He’d really liked her butt. He’d told her he liked how round and jiggly it was, and he wasn’t the first to tell her that. There were some compliments stallions should just keep to themselves. She turned around and craned her neck to have a look at herself in the mirror. She had to admit, it was an admirably bubbly derrière. But she was young. As she got older, it would sag. She would have to wear long dresses to cover its cottage-cheesy shame. And then, one day, she would die.

She was going to die. Oh mother of whores, why had she thought that?

She shoved the sun up into the firmament, washed up, tossed on her crown and armor, and clomped off to her morning intelligence briefing under a cloud of gloom. Something something democratic reform movement. Something something new Crystal Emperor. Whatever. She was going to die, and when she did her butt would be too big to fit in her coffin. Next was a policy meeting on her proposal for a free medical care system for elderly ponies. The policy was her baby. She was proud of it. She thought it could help a lot of ponies. But. It also made her think about old age. And old age made her think of death. Also Luna hated the proposal. At first it was about how much it would cost, but as Celestia found ways around that it became less a matter of principal, and more a matter of spiteing her older sister. Celestia made a note to schedule the next meeting for mid-afternoon, when Luna would be asleep.

Anyway, next she had to review the Third Light Legion. Basically she was watching a parade, so usually this sort of thing was a nice break from the heavy lifting of government work. But today, she did not want her brain to be idle. She kept thinking of that cadaver. She recognized some of the soldiers — they’d been the ground component of her and Luna’s escort in the final battle with Discord. But she didn’t recognize most of them, because more than half the unit had died in the battle.

After the parade, she had lunch with the legion’s leader Legate Phalanx, and members of their respective staffs.

Legate Phalanx was a very handsome older earth pony stallion. He was gray-blue, with white at his temples and on his muzzle. Buzz-cute blonde mane. Angular features. Strong jaw. Fierce magenta eyes. And a rock hard body. You could cut diamond with his thigh muscles. Apparently older ponies could be very attractive, after all.

Oh no. She was not thinking what she was thinking. Was she?

“So, Legate Phalanx,” she said, between sips of tea, “we’ve fought together, but I know so little about you. For instance… are you married?” Yes, she was thinking exactly that.

“Widower,” he grunted. “Discord.”

“Oh, I didn’t know,” she said, putting a hoof on his foreleg. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“No. We all… I mean, many ponies lost loved ones in the war,” he said, wisely avoiding the subject of Celestia’s own parents. “We must be strong, and carry on without them.”

“So is there anypony special right now?” She batted her eyelashes at him. She smiled. Oh, she was really going for this. Celestia, you naughty filly.

“Nope.”

“I think,” said Celestia, leaning towards him conspiratorially, “that it is very important for civil authority and the military to be on good terms, don’t you?”

Phalanx looked offended. “Your highness, you will find the loyalty of the military to be unimpeachable.”

“Oh, that’s not what I mean, silly. I just mean that are there many… advantages to be gained from intercourse between the two.”

Phalanx raised an eyebrow. “Intercourse.”

Celestia giggled. “Oh! I’m sorry. That doesn’t sound the way I meant it too.” That was a lie. It sounded exactly the way she meant it to.

Phalanx gave her a severe look. “Your Highness, may I speak to you in private?”

“I was hoping you’d ask that,” said Celestia.

The adjourned to a nearby study, where Phalanx closed the door and rounded on his princess. “Your Highness. What exactly do you think you’re proposing? I don’t want any part in back-room tomfoolery.”

Celestia laughed — she found his show of righteous indignation arousing. “Oh that’s too bad. Because back-room tomfoolery was exactly what I was hoping for.”

He stiffened. “What is you want from me, then?”

So she told him. She told him in very explicit terms what she would like to do to him, and what she would like him to do to her. His eyes grew wide. He blushed. He seemed… relieved?

“Oh. Is that… I mean. Is that all. I’m… um. I’d love to.”

It was Celestia’s turn to blush. “I just wanted to play. I’m not ready for a special somepony. I don’t want to be exclusive. Or… you know… if you’re looking for another wife…”

“Your Highness, princesses do not marry soldiers.”

“I will marry who I please. But… yeah, for now we can go with that. So…” She lowered her eyelids at him.

“Tonight. We need to be tasteful. One of the spare bedrooms, maybe?”

“Well, the taxpayers are hoofing for dozens of the things. We might as well get some use out of them. I’ll send for you?”

He nodded sharply. “Good. Looking forward to it.”

“Before you go. A kiss?”

His big tongue was aggressive and rough and demanding, and he got drool on her chin. It was wonderful. Then he stopped. He pointed out that he had duties, and so did she. She walked behind him as they left the study, watching his rump cheeks move and his stallion parts bounce under his docked tail. It was going to be agony waiting until tonight to see him again. But. If she was horny, she wasn’t going to be thinking about dying, now was she?

———

That night she met him at the door, dressed in her neglige. She’d had her servants bring wine, and scented candles, and heavy duty lubricants. She’d made him keep his uniform on for the first go.

Phalanx was a demanding, dominating lover. Which was was what Celestia had been hoping for. It took extra attention to get his old body going, but one he was ready, he was unstoppable. And he knew things about a mare’s body that she herself had never guessed from living in one for nineteen years. He did things for her that she’d never dared ask a stallion for before without hesitation, and then he went on to give her pleasure in some unexpected ways and some very surprising places. Ample avenues for further exploration presented themselves.

When they were done, they bathed together. She sat by his side, neck deep in steaming, bubbly water, her head on his chest. “See what I was saying, about intercourse between civil authority and the military?”

Phalanx rumbled with laughter. “When you first asked me about that, I thought you wanted my help in planning a coup.”

Celestia looked confused. “A coup? Against whom? I’m already princess.”

Phalanx frowned. “Against your sister.”

Celestia gasped. “No! I’d never! I love my sister. And I’d never want to! Running a country half the time is nearly impossible as it is! I could never run the whole thing!” She narrowed her eyes. “Why would you even think I’d want to do that?”

Phalanx looked down into her eyes. “She resents you. She envies your popularity. There are rumors.”

“Lies, you mean.” They had to be lies.

“Whatever you want to believe. You need to be careful. As a ruler, everything you do, even the smallest thing, has consequences.”

Celestia was sick of talking about work. “So if I were to do this,” she said, moving her hoof under the water, “you’re saying there could be far-reaching implications.”

Phalanx laughed. “Yes. One rather large one, in particular. Get that big, beautiful young ass of yours over here, and I’ll show you the trouble you’ve stirred up.”

She poked him in the chest. “Never call it big again!”

Phalanx snorted. “Very well. I wil lie for you, my princess.”

———

Frustration.

After a few nights of carnal bliss, that ‘something something new Crystal Emperor’ from her intelligence briefing had escalated, and she’d had to send her Phalanx to escort diplomats to the border. Yes, she thought of him as her Phalanx even though they had been quite clear about not being exclusive. Yes, she knew that was inconsistent. She didn’t care.

Clean Sweep, meanwhile, was nowhere to be found. She checked that atrium every night since Phalanx had left, and he hadn’t been there. Was he working somewhere else? Was he sick? Had he been fired? She hoped she hadn’t gotten him in trouble! She knew his name and his job, but going down to the city to look through staff records would be a major production, and raise questions as to why this merited royal attention. She wasn’t ready to admit she’d been randomly helping herself to the hired help. That would be embarrassing.

But she’d do it, if he didn’t turn up soon. She missed him! She wasn’t in love with him (as far as she could tell), but she liked him. He was sweet. Should she just pick another janitor? Maybe a cook? She was in the kitchens at night often enough. But that would be kind of cold. They were ponies, not toys! They weren’t interchangeable!

In the meantime, she spent her days and night brooding about death. She wasn’t focusing on her work. She wasn’t getting enough sleep. And now she was brooding about Phalanx or Clean Sweep dying, too. Either could already be dead and it might be days before she knew! The pain of losing somepony close to her was nothing new, but it wasn’t the kind of experience you got used to. It stayed fresh.

Day after day, she moped on her throne, grunted and nodded through meetings, grimaced and waved limply at the military parades. Her health plan was in danger — moving the meetings to the afternoon hadn’t helped; Luna had just sent some old nobelpony who was every bit as callous and calculating as her, and ten times as experienced at being a procedurally correct pain in the butt.

Then one morning during her intelligence briefing, she heard that there was a holy pony of the Old Ways in the city, spreading dangerous superstitions. So of course, she invited him to dinner. Religion might be weird, scary, and out of fashion, but it was supposed to be able to grant you eternal life, wasn’t it? It was a long shot, but sex wasn’t working, so she’d try anything at this point.

Peaceful Pumpkin was adorable. He was a slight yellow pegasus with a pumpkin vine cutie mark. His floppy pink bangs fell over his eyes. His wings were really big for a pony his size. He also looked no older than Celestia herself, which surprised her. Though upon reflection, she wondered why it would — if there could be a nineteen-year-old princess, why couldn’t there be a nineteen-year-old saint? Even at dinner with royalty, he went naked, except for a circled cross made of wood on a bronze chain around his neck.

Halfway into the salad course, Luna elected to make a comment. “It is a shame,” she said, “That some ponies do not respect the crown enough to wear clothes at dinner.”

“Luna!” said Celestia, raising her wings slightly to interpose herself between her sister and her guest. “Be polite. It’s part of his faith.”

Luna snorted with contempt. “Religion,” she said, “Is no excuse for being rude.”

“Um… if you don’t mind. I’m sorry that you see me as rude. But in the Old Ways we believe that clothing blocks our connection with Equus. It makes it harder to receive her love. But if you don’t believe that, it’s okay.”

Celestia folded her hooves over her heart and cooed. He was so precious!

Luna sneered. “Equus doesn’t love us. it’a a massive rocky plane suspended in the midst of the firmament. It does not have feelings.”

“Have you ever tried to open yourself to her in prayer?” said Pumpkin.

“Praying to rocks like a savage is beneath the dignity of a princess,” said Luna.

Pumpkin ducked his head so his bangs went over his eyes and mumbled, “I feel sad for you.”

Celestia decided to change the subject. “Peaceful Pumpkin, what do the Old Ways teach us about death?”

Luna rolled her eyes. “Celestia, why are you still brooding about that? I thought Star Swirl gave you excellent advice.”

Celestia ignored the little brown-noser and smiled expectantly at Pumpkin.

“Well, we believe that after death, the soul goes to the realm of the dead, to rest until our loving Mother needs it for a new creature. The compassionate are born again quickly, but the wicked may rest for quite some time.”

“And how do you know this?” said Luna.

“Um, it’s an article of faith? So I don’ t know it for sure, but that’s what all the great oneiromancers of the past have said,” said Pumpkin. “But it’s been a long time since a pony with the power to travel in dreams was born.”

“But what do dreams have to do with death?” asked Celestia.

Pumpkin blew his mane out of his eyes. “It’s a lesser version of the same thing. When we sleep, our bodies stop moving, our souls leave, and we don’t remember what happens. Death is just like that, only for years and years, instead of for a few hours.”

“Well,” said Luna, a smug smile on her face. “We’ll see about that.” Celestia wondered what she meant by that.

———

After dinner, Celestia invited Pumpkin to her study to talk more. She didn’t have ulterior motives, though she did have an overpowering urge to cuddle the meek little thing to tiny pieces. She really did want to talk to him more, though. He seemed like he might have some answers, and she needed answers.

Pumpkin interested himself in her books, though he kept glancing over his shoulder at her, so she wasn’t sure if he was actually looking at them, or just avoiding conversation.

“You’re not what I expected,” she said.

He jumped a little, and glanced at the exit. “Was I okay, though?”

“Oh, yes, you’re very…” Cute? Sweet? Cuddle-worthy? “You seem wise.”

“Thank you. I try.” He turned from he bookshelf, and sat down on a cushion a few feet from where she lay. “You seem wise, too.”

“What? Oh, no, I’m not wise. I’m the exact opposite of wise.”

“There’s a wisdom in foolishness, too. Wait, that sounds like I called you a fool. I’m sorry.”

Celestia laughed. “Don’t worry, I understand.” She paused. “Wait, no, I totally don’t.”

“Heroes,” said Pumpkin, “accomplish great things, and bring boons back to help their people. But heroes’ journeys aren’t fun. Only a fool would set out on one.”

“I see,” said Celestia. “And am I a hero?”

“Yes. You and your sister are. To all of us.”

Oh. Right. Discord. They’d done that. It still didn’t seem real. A lot of ponies had died in that battle. They should be the heroes, not her. “Can I confess something to you? Is that a thing that you do?”

“If you like.”

“I’ve been troubled by thoughts about death lately. I’ve realized I’m going to die one day, no matter what I do, and it terrifies me.”

“Oh, gosh, me too!” said Pumpkin, eyes wide.

Celestia blinked.“Really? But you believe our souls go on.”

“Yes, but it will still be a big change, won’t it? And it’s likely to hurt, when it happens. That’s the worst part for me, really.”

“So what do you do about it? It’s consuming every moment of my life. I can’t focus. I can’t sleep,” said Celestia.

“Well, there are two things that comfort me. One, is that I believe Equus loves us, and wants the best for us. And I trust her. She’s not all-powerful, but she does everything she can.”

“And the other thing?” asked Celestia.

“The other thing is that we only live in the present. Worrying about the future only causes pain. We know that we’re going to die. We can’t control when or how. So why dwell on it? When you feel troubled, focus on what you’re doing. What’s around you.”

“And that helps?”

“For me it does. What have you tried?”

Celestia blushed. “Sex, mostly.”

Pumpkin nodded. “Oh. That makes sense.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “You’re not shocked? Embarrassed?”

Pumpkin looked confused. “Why would I be? Sex is natural. Most ponies enjoy it. It creates new life. As long as everypony involved is willing, and you’re not violating any vows, why be concerned?”

“It’s dirty, though?”

Pumpkin grimaced. “It does get alarmingly sticky, doesn’t it? But I can show you meditation techniques that will focus your mind on it and enhance its healing powers. It won’t solve all your problems, but it might help you.”

Celestia’s blush brightened. “Are you suggesting that we…”

Pumpkin nodded. “Yes. I think we should mate. I think it would help you.”

“It’s just… usually I’m the one that…”

“Initiates? That’s fine. You can be in charge. Do you want to, though?”

Celestia locked the study door with her magic. Pumpkin grinned, and rolled over on his back. He was… he was very large, for a pony his size. “Please tell me what to do, Mistress. I’m ready!”

Eight hours later, the sun shot up into the air, radiating golden and purple light. Everypony complimented her on the sunrise, and she blushed every time.

Chapter 4

Peaceful Pumpkin was perfect. He was perfect in two ways — the first that he was a tender but passionate lover whose meditative skills allowed him to extend their activities nearly indefinitely. The other way in which he was ‘perfect’ was that he was a literal saint who worked himself to exhaustion caring for the poor and the sick. Getting him to schedule time for sensual indulgence was a challenge. So that sucked.

But. Good news! The situation with the Crystal Empire had been resolved peacefully! Perhaps this new Emperor Sombra was a reasonable pony. She looked forward to meeting him in person. The army was returning from the border. She had sent a message to Phalanx ordering him to report to her chambers for a “personal debriefing” as soon as he arrived in the capital.

She still had no idea where Clean Sweep was. She was working up the nerve to go looking for him. It was harder than she’d imagined it would be — Peaceful Pumpkin might say that any kind of love was all right, but her court would have different opinions of their princess frolicking with a commoner. Then, on the day that she had finally resolved to scheduled a trip to Employee Records, he showed up in her throne room during open audiences!

“Your highness,” he said, cap in hoof, trembling visibly, “I’ve come seeking a pony. The sweetest and most wonderful pony I’ve ever met. Her name is Sunny Smiles, and she works as a laundress in your palace staff.”

Oooh! He’d been looking for her too! Celestia felt all fluttery inside. “I might remember her,” she said, leaning on the arm of her throne and resting a chin on her hoof. “Tell me more. See if you can jog my memory.” She was going to milk this for all the non-butt related compliments she could get. Because he wouldn’t mention a mare’s butt in front of his princess. Would he?

“Oh, your highness. She is kind, and generous, and playful, and wise beyond her years. She is brown, with blue eyes, and she has a sunburst cutie mark, much like yours, and a smile also very much… like… yours as… well?”

His eyes snapped open and darted between her flank and her face. He looked at her wings, invisible but very tangible the last time he had seen her. Oh mother of whores, he’d figured it out. He turned to flee. She grabbed him by the tail with her magic and dragged him up the stairs to her throne. Her guards spun around and lowered their spears. Around them, courtiers and supplicants stared.

“Act casual, okay?” she whispered in his ear.

“Yes, yes, that is the mare I was speaking of,” said Clean Sweep loudly but stiffly. His acting was terrible, but at least he got the general idea of discretion.

“Do you still work here?”

He gulped. “N-no, your highness,” he whispered.

“Oh. Sorry about that if it’s my fault. Anyway, be in the palace public gardens by the duck pond tonight at sunset. I’ll send a servant to bring you to my rooms. Until then, if I see you, I won’t remember you. Understand?”

“Yes, your highness,” he said, backing away from her down the stairs. “Thank you for telling me where to find the mare of my dreams. Who is a commoner, and not a noblepony like yourself.”

“You’re laying it on a little thick,” she hissed. He turned and ran out of the throne room. The line of supplicants stared at him as he passed. He guards raised their spears and looked at her funny.

Celestia ignored everypony. “Next please!” While the next supplicant talked, she fished out the little notebook she used as her ‘personal’ schedule. Let’s see, tonight at… oh, bugger her with a pikestaff, she had Pumpkin down for tonight as well. She’d have egos to soothe before she could get laid. Well. Too late to fix it now. At least Phalanx probably wouldn’t be here for days.

———

He was there. Curse the efficiency of the Equestrian military. He looked confused. Pumpkin looked amused. Clean Sweep looked heartbroken.

Phalanx cleared his throat. “Can you explain this, your Highness? I knew we weren’t exclusive, but…” He glanced down at the smaller stallions. He seemed particularly interested in Pumpkin.

Pumpkin looked up at Phalanx through his bangs. “I wish you’d told me about your other friends, I’d have brought more lubricant.”

Phalanx smiled down at Pumpkin. Celestia’s heart rate quickened. Clean Sweep looked afraid.

“I thought we were special!” he said.

Celestia nuzzled, and kissed his cheek. “I’m so sorry. You are special. I’ve longed for you for over a month. But I’m not ready to commit to a single stallion. I’m sorry I couldn’t explain things. We haven’t had much time to talk.”

“The Princess,” said Phalanx, “is too much mare for any one stallion.”

Clean Sweep sighed. “I do believe in distributing resources fairly.”

“Like precious, precious princess booty,” said Pumpkin, smiling dreamily.

“A booty which is very small and petite,” said Phalanx.

“Oh yes, barely more than a morsel, really,” said Pumpkin, rolling his eyes and leaning against Phalanx’s side.

“You are all very silly ponies,” said Celestia, opening her door. “Any of you who wish to fulfill your Princesses’ fantasies about being covered in frosting may come with me.”

All of them did.

Chapter 5

After her humiliating encounter with Luna, she bathed and extracted the promise of another foursome from her paramours. Then Celestia went down to see Star Swirl. She stepped into his lab to find him reorganizing his collection of pickled manticore parts. Luna was already here, lying on a cushion in the corner, reading a book.

“You wanted to talk to me, Star Swirl?”

Star Swirl looked up from labeling a jar of what Celestia suspected were either appendices or penises. ”I did?”

“Actually, I did,” said Luna, from behind her. She slammed her book closed and stood up. “Star Swirl the Bearded, as Princess of the Night, I demand that you rescind the Princesshood of my sister.“

“What?!” said Star Swirl. “I can’t do that! And if I could, I wouldn’t. I’m your guardian, not your… oh bother.” Star Swirl had let the jar fall from his hooves. Celestia caught it with her magic. She didn’t want to have to help clean those things up.

“Luna!” she said. “What’s gotten into you?”

Luna stomped. “You’re irresponsible! You’re frivolous! You steal all the cake from the kitchens! You introduce major legislation without consulting with me! And to top it all off, you’re conspiring against me!”

“Conspiring against you?” Celestia tossed the jar to Star Swirl, and stomped around to face Luna. “Why would I do that?”

Luna loomed from below, glaring at her over the tops of her spectacles. “You’ve been meeting in secret with an army legate, a priest of the Old Ways, and a known pro-democracy firebrand!”

Celestia looked at Luna sideways. “Pro-democracy what now?”

“Clean Sweep! He just spent a month in jail for distributing subversive leaflets!”

Oh. So that was where he’d been. “Oh for buck’s sake!” shouted Celestia.

“Do you deny it?” said Luna.

Celestia stepped up until she was nose to nose with her sister. She could loom from above quite well, when she had a mind to. “Phalanx is a loyal soldier who would never betray Equestria! Not even at his Princess’s command!”

“His record is spotless,” admitted Luna. “But what about the priest? Do I need to remind you of the excesses of the Old Ways? The orgies? The pony sacrifices?”

“Peaceful Pumpkin is a pacifist. He’d never sacrifice anypony!” At least, she hoped he wouldn’t. She hadn’t asked. Celestia felt like orgies were a tradition that was ripe for a revival, but now wasn’t the time to bring it up. “As for democracy, I hadn’t thought about it, but maybe it is time we gave our subjects more responsibility. We could at least let them elect their own mayors.”

“Democracy,” spat Luna, “leads to anarchy. Or tyranny. And if you weren’t conspiring, what were you doing with these stallions? You’re telling me you had them over just for sex?”

“For Equus’ sake, Luna, is that so hard for you to understand? What do you think healthy mares of marriageable age do with handsome stallions in the privacy of their own rooms?” Star Swirl was suddenly very interested in his collection.

Luna glared at her. “So. You’re a floozie, then.”

Rage boiled in Celestia’s chest. “I am not a floozie; you are a prude. And if you were more interested in what ponies liked to do at night, maybe you’d be more popular.”

Luna’s cheeks were flooded with tears. She fled Star Swirl’s lab in a flash of indigo light. Celestia stared at the empty space where her sister had been. That had come out harsher than she’d intended. She felt terrible. She’d feel worse in time, when, rightly or not, she’d trace what would happen between her and her sister to this moment. But that was still many years away.

Star Swirl cleared his throat. “You should include your sister more. And you should be more gentle with her. It’s lonely at night.”

Celestia scrubbed at her eyes with her hooves. “What do I do?”

Star Swirl shrugged. “I’m an expert at magic, not friendship. Go talk to her, I suppose.”

“She’s still going to be mad at me!” said Celestia.

“She’s not going to get any less mad unless you apologize, young mare,” said Star Swirl.

Celestia blinked. “But she accused me of treason!”

“Teenagers,” said Star Swirl dryly, “often say foolish things when they are upset. Oh, but before you go, there’s something we need to talk about. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you some very personal questions.”

———

Celestia sat in front of Luna’s doors. Each was made of a different material — one was horn, the other ivory. They had a lovely moon-and-stars motif carved in them. It would be a shame to knock and risk scuffing such magnificent workmanship.

“I know you’re out there,” said Luna from inside.

“I’m sorry I was mean to you,” said Celestia. “Can I come in?”

Luna’s ivory door creaked open a little. “You’d better.”

It was dark inside her room. The windows were heavily curtained, and there were no lights. After a few seconds, Celestia could make out her sister sitting on her bed.

“I should have known better than to accuse you,” said Luna. “I supposed I just wanted your attention. I am sorry.”

Celestia climbed up on the bed and hugged Luna. “It’s all right. I’ve been very wrapped up in being a princess. I just assumed if weren’t saying anything, you were fine.”

“Are you still… troubled? About…”

Celestia nodded. “Death. Yes. I guess I’m learning not to think about it as much. Talking to Pumpkin has helped a little, but I can’t believe a lot of the things he teaches.”

“Sister,” said Luna, taking Celestia’s hooves in hers. “I didn’t tell you, but when I became an alicorn, I discovered that I have the power to walk in dreams. I’ve been exploring, and there’s something you need to see. Will you sleep with me now?”

Celestia giggled. “Sister! I know I’ve become very liberated recently, but I have to draw the line there.”

Luna’s eyes flashed with rage. “Sister! Can you get your mind out of the gutter for one moment? This is serious!”

“Sorry. Couldn’t help myself. Anyway, yes, I could use a nap.”

———

The checkerboard hills flashed past beneath them. Discord’s twisted minions were closing in. Horrible warped creatures, bristling with bone spikes, or melted together into giants the size of castles. Many of them had once been ponies.

Storm Wind’s pegasi banked off to intercept the enemies closing in from their flanks, and the sisters dove low, following Phalanx and his soldiers as they crashed through the line of abominations protecting Discord.

Celestia stopped in midair, pausing to shoot beams of magical sleep at the creatures closing in around her ponies. She couldn’t bear to kill, but she had to help.

“Go!” shouted Phalanx from the ground beneath her.

“You’ll die!” she replied.

“It doesn’t matter! You have to face Discord! Go!” Then a chattering thing with swords for legs cut him clean in half. No. That hadn’t really happened. Was this a dream? Weeping, she turned and flew towards Discord. The Lord of Chaos, red in tooth and claw, watched from his throne.

“Ho ho!” he chuckled. “This is so much fun. Thank you for the new toys to play with. I do so enjoy listening to their screams while I remake them.”

“Playtime is over, Discord!” said Celestia, unlatching her saddlebag.

Luna tapped her on the shoulder. “We already did this, sister.”

Celestia frowned as she floated the elements out. They were the wrong colors. And why was one of hers shaped like a balloon? “We did, didn’t we? It was awful. I don’t want to see it again.”

Luna nodded. “You come to this battle often. I think you have unfinished business here.”

Celestia narrowed her eyes. “You’ve been spying on my dreams?”

Luna shrugged. ”It is easiest to visit the dreams of those closest to you. You also dream of praise, and glory. Which concerns me.”

“All right,” said Discord, “you two are confusing me. You need to stop it right now. I’m supposed to be the weird one here.”

Celestia looked sideways at him. “Luna, I know he’s not real, but can we turn him to stone anyway? He gives me the creeps.”

“Quite,” said Luna. Prismatic light lanced out from the elements. Discord died laughing.

And then they were standing on a cloud, racing through a blue sky. Blue everywhere; there was no ground that Celestia could see. She decided not to look down again.

“I discovered my powers slowly, and by accident at first. Oneiromancy is earth pony magic, so it is a new thing to me. As is augury, but we’ll get to that,” said Luna.

Celestia could see a dot on the horizon. Or… there wasn’t really a horizon. At head level, she guessed? Looking straight ahead was making her vertiginous, too. Maybe if she looked straight up.

“The realm of dreams runs deep,” said Luna, “and… Sister, what are you looking at?”

“Nothing. just trying not to toss my cookies,” said Celestia. Looking up really wasn’t helping.

“Well you can stop it; we’re almost there.”

Celestia looked forward. There was Mount Foal, hanging in space, the Canter river pouring off the side into the abyss. And there, on the side, was Canterlot — not the city as it was now, ruined by Discord, with years of work ahead to clear melted stone and dead bodies from the streets, but the Canterlot of her childhood, perfect and gleaming. And yet…

“As I was saying,” said Luna, “it took me some time to find the realm of the dead. But now that I know how to get here, it’s a relatively simple trip.”

As they drew close, Celestia saw that the gleaming city wasn’t gleaming at all. Its colors were dulled, and it was too quiet. Hundreds of ponies moved through its streets, as she remembered, but their coats were dull and their eyes looked straight ahead without blinking. “This is awful,” she said, as their cloud sunk into the pavement.

“It is, isn’t it?” said Luna.

“Is this really what happens to us?” She said. She waved a hoof in front of a passing pony’s eyes. He ignored her, and walked on. Her hoof bounced off his forehead, and he grunted, but didn’t even turn his head.

“Yes,” said Luna. “We go on, but not in a way we would choose. Perhaps what Pumpkin said is true, and we are reborn one day. I’ll have to tag a few of the dead for observation.”

Celestia gasped. “Mom. Dad.” And she took off running.

She could hear Luna cursing at her from behind.

———

She found them in their chambers at the top of the Sun Tower. They were playing chess.

“Check,” said her mother, scooting her queen forward.

“And out of check,” said her father, moving his bishop in front of the queen. “Mate in three, I believe.”

“What nonsense. Check again.” She looked up from the board. “Celestia! Luna said she’d bring you. We’re so happy to see you!”

Celestia rushed over to hug and nuzzle them both. Luna arrived while they were still greeting each other. “I can’t blame you,” she said. “This was the first place I came, too.”

“She brought so much news!” said her Father. “We’re proud of you both.”

“You’ll make such good queens!” said her Mother.

“Princesses, actually. We chose to keep the title of Princess,” said Celestia, ignoring the throat-slicing motions Luna was making with her hoof. “We feel it’s less… ostentatious.”

“Well, that’s disappointing,” said her father. “Checkmate, Dear.”

“Oh, bother. You always win. Another game?” said her Mother.

“Let’s,” said her father.

Celestia watched them as they reset the board. “What’s it like, being… you know?”

“Dead?” said her mother. “You don’t need to beat around the bush, dear. We can handle it. It’s very easy to handle being dead, actually.”

“Nothing ever changes,” said her father. “No surprises. Even very surprising things aren’t surprising.”

“Like being visited by your still-living daughters. I feel that ought to come as a shock, but I’m taking it in stride,” said her mother. They continued playing as they talked, the tap of chess pieces punctuating their words.

Celestia lowered her head. “I have more news. News for you, too, Luna, actually. I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant with a bastard.”

Luna turned a noticeably paler shade of indigo.

“That’s nice,” said her mother. “I always wanted grandchildren.”

“How do you know?” said Luna.

“Star Swirl was concerned. He checked, before I came to find you.” Celestia cast the spell he’d used, and an image of a tiny blob of white and pink hovered in front of them. “There it is. It doesn’t even look like a pony, does it? But it’s my little ponyfish.”

“What a precious little embryo,” said her mother. “It looks rather like you did, at its age. Check, dear.”

“I think not,” said her father. “Mate in three. Yes. Lovely foal, though.”

“Are you going to keep it?” said Luna.

“I don’t know,” said Celestia. “I’m really scared.”

“Please do,” said her father. “Bastard or no, it would be a wonderful addition to our family.”

“We can’t wait to see it,” said her mother. “Though I suppose it would be better if we didn’t for a very long time. Check again.”

“But what will I do with a foal?” said Celestia.

“Love it. Cherish it,” said her mother.

“And send for your army of nurses and tutors when it gets to be too much to handle,” said her father. “That’s what we did with you two. Checkmate.”

“Bother it,” said her mother. “Another game?”

Celestia watched them reset the board and start playing again. She was no chess expert; she barely knew how to play. But she could see that they were making the same moves they had at the beginning of the last game. Her father was setting the same trap, and her mother was falling for it again. Nothing ever changed here. She kissed them each on the cheek, and turned to Luna. “Sister, I want to go home.”

“Very well,” she said. And everything went dark.

“As I mentioned earlier,” said Luna’s voice, echoing in the darkness, “I’ve also found I possess the earth pony gift of augury. I can see that I have set something dark in motion. I will struggle against it, but I will fail. I will try to keep my distance, to keep you safe. But I want you to know that whatever happens, I will always be your sister, and that on the longest day of the thousandth year, I will once again stand by your side as a friend.”

Celestia tried to ask what in Equus’ name she was talking about, but she couldn’t move her mouth. She forced herself awake, willing her eyes open only to find that Luna had left the room. She put her hoof on her belly and wept into one of her sister’s pillows until it was soggy.

Epilogue

For the next eleven months, Celestia had to add frequent checkups to her already busy schedule. She was asked, by everypony, to rest and be careful. And she did, and she was, though it pained her. Star Swirl, meanwhile, did some research into the matter of alicorn lifespans, and could find no sign of natural aging in the sisters beyond the process of sexual development in her or her sister. Celestia felt, in retrospect, rather silly to have worried about it so much.

When the time came for her child to be born, the foal was stuck in a breach position, and Star Swirl had to summon a surgeon to cut it out of Celestia’s belly. When the nurse held it up, screaming and covered in gore, it looked like a little goblin, and Celestia was sure she’d made a terrible mistake in carrying it to term. But then they washed it and brought it back for her to hold. Clean and wrapped in its tiny blanket, it was a little miracle — a beautiful white unicorn mare, with a face that reminded her of her mother’s. She kissed it on the nose, and suddenly she understood everything.

“No wings,” observed Luna.

“Probably for the best,” said Star Swirl. “An alicorn foal would probably be difficult to handle.”

“My subjects are my children, too, aren’t they?” said Celestia.

“What?” said Luna, setting down her coffee.

“It’s the painkillers talking,” said Star Swirl.

Luna nodded, and started drinking her coffee again.

“They are mine to protect. And I love them. All of them. So much.”

“Especially the stallions,” said Luna dryly.

Celestia had nothing to stay to that. Her little foal had, in fact, had rather a bumpy ride inside her belly. She had probably been in a breach position because she had wanted to get away from all the pounding. “That is why I’m going to have as many children I possibly can.”

Star Swirl made a choking noise. Luna spat out a mouthful of coffee.

“If alicorns live as long as Star Swirl thinks we do, I’m going to need a reminder of the importance of my duty from time to time. And what better reminder than looking out over my assembled subjects, and seeing hundreds of white unicorns amongst them?”

“Hundreds?” said Star Swirl weakly.

The nameless little foal had worked her hoof out of her swaddling, and begun gnawing toothlessly on it. Oh. She had a smart one. “We’ll need to start a school for them, of course. ‘Celestia and Star Swirl’s School for Gifted Unicorns’. Because of course all of my babies will be gifted, won’t they, little one? Yes they will, yes they will. Who’s a smart foal?”

The foal stared at her blankly, and mashed its hoof into its nose.

“But… who will you take for a husband?” stammered Star Swirl.

“Please not the janitor. Please, please not the janitor,” said Luna.

Celestia laughed. “What do I need a husband for? To create legitimate heirs to our presumably immortal reign? Can you imagine the trouble that would cause?”

Star Swirl and Luna raised such a fuss that the nurse made them leave the room, leaving Celestia alone with her child. The sunlight moved across them both as the morning went on, and sparkled in Celestia’s first foal’s flawless ultramarine eyes.

Chapter 1

Celestia groaned. Somepony was pounding on the door. What nonsense. She’d only been asleep a couple of hours. It was still dark outside!

Then she remembered it was now her job to make it light outside. Well. Who cared. Everypony could sleep in. National holiday. She’d declare it as soon as she got up. She laid her head on the back of one of the stallions in her bed and tried to go back to sleep.

The pounding wouldn’t stop. Fine! “Coming!” she shouted. One of the stallions grunted as she climbed over him.

She opened her door. Luna glared at her over the tops of her spectacles, flanked by two thestrals from her Night Guard. Celestia’s little sister, just seventeen years old and a full foot shorter than her, nonetheless was quite adept at looming. Looming from below. It was a good trick.

“Sister!” said Celestia, with a big, fake smile. “Is it morning already?”

“It is not,” said Luna, “but it is supposed to be.”

“Okay! Just give me ten minutes to clean up and I’ll be right out!” Go away, Woona. Nothing for you to see here.

“What exactly have you been doing all night, sister?” said Luna, peeking around her suspiciously.

“Oh, you know, just up late… reading.” She giggled. “Very exciting book.”

“And who else is in there with you?”

“Nopony! Nopony at all!” said Celestia, over the sound of stallions snoring. “There’s nopony here!” Certainly not a janitor, a decorated military officer, and a clergypony.

“Then may I come in?” asked Luna. One of Luna’s guards sniffed the air — Celestia had to admit it was rather rank in her room right now — and then winked at her companion. Oh Faust. This story was going straight to the barracks locker room, wasn’t it?

“No!” said Celestia, her smile slipping. “You can’t! It’s too… you can’t… you’re not…” She hung her head. “You’re not old enough.”

“I see. Is that all?” said Luna primly. “Well. I’ll raise the Sun for you. Take a bath. You need it.” She turned, and her guards stomped away after her. Halfway down the hall, she looked over her shoulder. “Oh, I forgot to mention. Star Swirl wants to talk to us as soon as you’re ready.”

Celestia slammed her bedroom door and slumped against it. How had things come to this?

Chapter 2

One Month Ago…

“And here,” said Star Swirl, moving his scalpel across the cadaver’s pelvis, “we see where the common femoral artery enters the thigh. This is the inguinal ligament, and…”

“Teacher,” said Celestia tapping her chin with the end of her quill, “am I going to die?”

Star Swirl looked up from the cadaver, and blinked at them through his spectacles. “What?” He was dressed in a white medical robe, and his beard was knotted into a bun to keep it from getting embalming fluids on it.

“Am I,” said Celestia, “going to die?”

“Do not be foolish, sister,” said Luna. “Everything in nature dies.” Her notes were much more thorough than her sister’s. Celestia’s were a mass of blobs with arrows pointing at them and chicken-scratch hornwriting not even she could read. Luna had drawn some very lovely diagrams of the cadaver’s internal organs.

“But we are no longer part of the order of nature.” Celestia rustled her wings meaningfully.

Luna raised an eyebrow and turned to Star Swirl. He cleared his throat and looked back and forth between the teenage fillies. “I… well… I have to say I don’t know. I don’t know if I’d call you unnatural. Pony magic can’t go against nature. You know that.”

“But you told me you used things you learned from observing Discord’s Chaos magic to make us alicorns.” Celestia felt she was on to something, here. She knew the answer she was hoping for, if Star Swirl would just spit it out.

“Yes. I did. I did. But I used it to unlock something deep in pony nature. Something very old. There’s information inside our bodies. I wish I could understand it. But anyway. I suppose you might live a very long time. You might have to wait for something to kill you. But you will probably eventually die, yes.”

Luna looked smug. Celestia seethed. That was not the answer she had wanted.

“So,” said Star Swirl, “back to the femoral artery.”

“But if I’m going to die,” said Celestia, “then what’s the point of learning? What’s the point of anything?”

“What?” said Star Swirl.

“Everything I learn is going away when I die. Everything I do, and experience and see is going to be lost. So why even bother?”

“There is always loyalty to one’s duties,” suggested Luna.

“We live in the present,” said Star Swirl. “The years after you die will be no different to you than the years before you were born. If you’re concerned about your legacy… well, you’ve already done great deeds. Perhaps you could write a book? So ponies can read your words after you die?”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “I’d still be dead.”