Is It Warm in Here? Or Just Me?
Is It Warm in Here? Or Just Me?
It's a wonderful, beautiful day in Equestria. Not really. It's storming out in a strange rain/sleet/hail storm, which is really just a bad show on the weather team's part. Who even approved the weather for that day? If you can get fired for your job, you have to seriously hope it's not your special talent, or else that really spells a whole lot of questions for this world.
But, you aren't here to talk about the socio-political structure of colored-horse-land's working class. No. You're braving happily through the rough weather across the street to your neighbor's house. Just across the street from your tiny one-floored apartment that you got for free, since random species in Equestria get privileges or something, is the Ponyville Library. And inside that Library is a bunch of wood. Because it's a tree. And inside of that tree is a bunch of wood. Because a library has books. The tree isn't dead, since it still has leaves that grow every spring and flow to the ground in the fall. So somepony in Ponyville saw this tree and thought it would be a good idea to gut it from the inside, put a bunch of its dead tree children inside, and have ponies go read in inside it for a relaxing afternoon.
And people think metal music can be hardcore.
Skipping to the point, inside that library is a purple unicorn by the name of Twilight Sparkle. And to say you were smitten by her would be an understatement. You've found yourself daydreaming about her eyes, remembering the smell of her mane, and reminiscing the gentle way she says "I'm afraid if you aren't going to rent something, I have to ask you to leave."
Today, you have an absolutely foolproof plan. You're going to go to her home-library abomination and ask for a cup of sugar. A simple thing that starts conversation. Since the weather is bad, she'll ask you inside. Then, you can talk about reading by fireside, something you already know she likes. Then, mention you had a friend ditch you for a camping trip. You already have two tents and everything setup, and wonder if she'd like to join if it fit her busy schedule. Secretly, there was only one tent, but hey, isn't that just a shame.
You run across the street, being pelted by rain and the occasional ball of hail, holding the measuring cup in hand. You leap ot the door and give a loud, hard knock.
From inside, you hear a familiar voice yell "Coming!", but to your disappointment it's not the siren song of your crush. No, instead you recognize it as her tiny dragon slave, Spike. Slave may be a bit strong of a word, let's go with pet. Yes.
The door swings open, and the purple dragon gazes up at you like a duck that was expecting a piece of bread, but instead got slapped in the bill.
"Hi, Anon. What brings you out here? It's horrible out," he asks.
"I was working on some cookies, and I realized I'm out of sugar. Can I borrow a cup?"
"Yeah, sure!" he says. "Come inside. No sense in waiting outside."
You step inside the warm shell of a tree and wipe your feet off on the conveniently placed floor-mat.
"Is Twilight here?" you ask, trying to seem like you're making casual conversation.
"Yeah, she's upstairs blah blah blah. New spell blah blah, I'm a dragon," or something.
"Got it," you reply, having tuned out after he said 'upstairs.'
Turning away from the dragon, you ascend the stairs in the most not rushed way possible. As you tread the corridor, you begin to realize that your now cleverly crafted plan isn't so neat and tight-knit anymore. You have to create some sort of way or reason to talk to Twilight.
"Spiiike!" calls Twilight.
Well, that works.
You move down towards the study and step in the doorway.
"Hey, uh," Twilight leaps into the air for a second, then turns to you. "He's getting me a cup of sugar. Can I help?"
"Oh! Hi, Anon. Yeah, sure. I'm just working on this new spell. It's supposed to create a mustache, but I'm having trouble matching the original hair color of the subject. Would you be willing to let me zap you?"
"Sure!" you say, seeing your new opportunity to get brownie points with your crush and not the part where you get zapped with a spell. "I'd love to."
"Awesome. Just stand on that X and grab one of the balls. It's a magic reagent and helps me focus."
You spy a chalk marked X on the ground towards the center of the room and two small balls beside it. You walk on the mark, and pick up a small yellow ball.
"I have yellow," you say to her.
"Wait, yellow? No, not that one. My bad. Grab the other."
You sigh to yourself, muttering "she doesn't want yellow," then picking up the other small blue ball.
"Alright, I'm ready," you say. "Hit me with your best shot."
"Okay, Anon," Twilight says, poking her head out of the nearby book and approaching you. "Stand still. And don't say anything until I've finished. I'd hate for anything to go wrong."
"Got it," you say.
"Anon, what did I just say!" she says in exaspiration. "No talking!"
"O-o-" then you fall silent, realizing she means right now.
Twilight widens her stance and closes her eyes. A swirling purple energy begins to wrap around the tip of her horn and collect towards the base in a bright magical aura. She takes a deep breath, then the magic begins to swirl and dance through the air.
"Hey, Anon!" Spike squeaks at the top of his girly dragon lungs in a way that would make a mother buy the child a toy to make them be quiet. "I got the sugar."
Twilight's concentration immediately falters as she looks over to the little dragon. Spike, upon seeing his intrusion, panics, and tries to move backward while walking forward. Sadly for Spike, that is not a thing that bodies can do, unless you learn it in dance class. Spike wasn't allowed to go to dance class.
He loses his balance and the bag of sugar flies through the air directly at the purple unicorn. You watch as it flies in near slow-motion, ducking and weaving through erratic beams of magical energy to collide directly in the face with Twilight Sparkle. Then, there's a moment of pure silence.
"Oh no-" you and Spike say in unison, but before you can have another action, Twilight's magic whiplashes back towards her, the purple changing color to a deep red. It lashes back at her as her coat turns from a light lavender to a bright white. Twilight's deep violet eyes rapidly transform to a deep crimson and her mane and tail become like bright yellow flames.
No. Wait. Those ARE bright yellow flames. It may have been a while since biology, but you're pretty sure bodies aren't supposed to do that.
You and Spike remain completely silent, staring at the now flaming unicorn in front of you. Twilight looks down to the bag of sugar, now lying limply on the floor.
"Spike, what have I told you about barging in while I'm studying," Twilight says, her voice that of an irritated mother.
"But, uh. Don't. Twilight, I-"
"Now what was so important that you needed to interrupt me mid-spell-" she says.
"Twilight," you say. "I hate to interrupt, but you're on fire."
"Well, that's a nice compliment, Anon. But right now I need to tell Spike about-"
"No. You're actually on fire."
Twilight looks down to her hooves, which were now burning char marks into the wooden floor. Then the floor begins to form small embers.
"Wait, I'm on FIRE?!" Twilight screams.
Twilight runs back her spell book as you walk forward helplessly, holding out a hand as if to help, but having no idea what to say.
"What's the counter spell, what's the-" but as Twilight tries to turn a page of her book, the page instantly catches fire. She backs away, then tries to turn the book the other way, which sets the other half of the book on fire.
"Twilight! Don't touch things!" Spike says. "Everything you touch is going up in flames!"
Twilight looks back from Spike, then you, then to the book. She takes in a deep breath and tries to blow on the burning book, but it only fans the flames as they leap to a nearby bookshelf and quickly spread through the Tree-brary. She takes two steps back, leaving firey hoofprints in the wake of her steps as she looks to Spike.
"We need water!" Twilight screams.
"I'll get a bucket!" Spike shouts, running out of the room.
"Forget a counterspell! Use a water spell!" you yell at her.
Twilight nods and charges up her horn one more time, a strong purple magic wells from the base of her horn then blasts forth at the flames, as a massive torrent of fire.
"MY MAGIC JUST MAKES MORE FIRE!"
"SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!" you scream, moving towards the doorway. Spike comes back with a bucket of water and drops it as he enters the flaming room.
"WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!" he says.
The three of you quickly move down to the main entrance and then look back as half of the home is engulfed in white hot dancing flame.
"Wait!" you say, in last ditch effort. "If casting a water spell casts fire."
Spike picks up instantly and finishes your sentence.
"Fire spells will make water!"
Fire-Twilight turns one more time and charges her horn. A strong blue magic wells from the tip of her horn and shoots out like a fountain. A fountain of yet more fire.
Twilight turns back to the two of you, her eyebrows literally burning off.
"Let's just... go outside," you say, opening the front door.
The three of you move outside into the freezing rain, and watch as the disemboweled tree is finally laid to rest in a fiery warrior funeral. Smoke trails upward into the air, the weather hardily making a dent in the size of the flame. The rain only fizzles against Twilight's white hot in-fur-no. A crackle of soot flies out of the burning wreckage and fills the air, tickling your nose. You rub your nose to take away the sting. Twilight begins to breathe in, her eyes closing just slightly, when you realize what is going on.
Twilight, while on fire, and producing weird fire magic, is about to sneeze.
You don't have time to grab Spike, nor would you want to, as you turn and begin to run from the unicorn. But it's too late, she's already at the wind up, and you hear the pitch.
"AH-Choo," she says in a near-mute kitten sneeze. Then, the fire magically wafts off of her. The white hotness of her fur dissipates into her normal purple coat and her striped mane lies limply by her side.
You pause, then turn back to your friend, and watch upon her burning home.
"You can, uh. Stay at my place for while."
Twilight remains silent as she sits on the ground, looking up at her home. Her voice quivers as she mutters to herself.
"So many books," she whispers to herself.
You shift your feet back and forth, looking down at the ground. There's still one last thing on your mind. So you know what? Just nut up and do it. Nothing could possibly be worse than what just happened.
"Hey, uh. Do you want to go camping sometime? Chill in the wilderness. Make some..." then, the word comes out of your mouth quicker than your mind can pull the word back, "Smores?"
The unicorn looks to you in a look that you stomped a small puppy to a bloody mush. You feel like you just stomped a small puppy to a bloody mush.
"I, uh. I'm just gonna... go now," you say, turning away from your crush, then walking back to your home.
Needless to say, you never heard from her again.
