Pest Control

by Masterweaver

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Equestria Girls, Comedy, Applejack (EqG), Adventure, Sunset Shimmer, Main 7 (EqG), Zipporwhill, Alternate Universe
Length: 3767

Farmers all know how bad infestations can be for their crops. Especially when said infestations dwarf skyscrapers.

Applejack was just an ordinary farmer.

Well, true, she was best friends with an arguable deity, and yeah her little sister controlled part of fate subconsciously, and her social circle involved a crazy crew of characters that regularly got involved in wacky shenanigans, and she herself had helped to save the world a few times, and there was the possibility her principal was using the school to scout for super heroes, and technically she had acquired a skin condition that she had yet to see replicated by anybody else...

...but the point was, by most standards, she was an ordinary farmer. Not the kind of girl that went on adventures.

And then she developed a unique form of magic, just in time for the giant bug invasion.

Welp.

Part of the oversaturated world. Cover by AlloyRabbit

Published 2017-03-15 19:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-03-25 23:22:29 UTC

Usually, ya let things just roll...

When a universe dies, it's tragic, but at least it's over.

When a universe almost dies, but is saved at the last moment... things get messy.

Cracks in the nature of reality still abound, leaving physics somewhat malleable, which can result in serious logistical issues. Swathes of time and space might have dangerously low levels of existence, making crossing them an exercise in insanity. Even in realms where there is a deific clean-up crew scrambling about to keep things stable, certain minor issues (like insane dictators) might go unnoticed because, excuse me, I'm keeping the SUN FROM BLOWING UP can't you overthrow that tyrant on your own, thank you!

This is, of course, all before going into outside factors. Like, say, echos of other realities sinking in more due to a thinner universal shell. Or interdimensional bandits taking the opportunity to plunder a few hundred souls. Or unique forms of magic that would normally never be part of the reality suddenly cropping up in certain instances.

Or the scavengers.

A universe has an awful lot of energy, an awful awful lot. And energy, in all its forms, is fed upon by life of some sort. It's a cosmological constant. In the between, the realm where there are no laws of physics, merely suggestions, many strange creatures have sprung up that are perfectly content to consume the scraps of a dead universe. So if they smell one in the process of dying, they're going to gather like vultures. And if that dying universe suddenly stops dying, and starts getting better...

...well, it takes an awful lot of power to move to another universe. And being denied a meal can make any being just a little... tetchy.

"Oh come on, do you have to wear that hat everywhere?"

"Eeeeyup."

Rarity huffed. "This is a wedding, Applejack! And not just any wedding, it's the first official wedding ministered by Sunset's church!"

Applejack's look was so deadpan, skillets and stock pots alike started writing their wills.

"I mean, yes. I am a little surprised it's the... church of the divine bacon horse that has that honor," Rarity allowed. "It really is rather ridiculous. I would have assumed that a more, ahem, conservative branch of Shimmerism would actually have been more prepared to..."

Rarity trailed off, watching Applejack's slowly ascending eyebrow.

"...the point is," she rallied quickly, "most people consider wearing hats at a wedding to be a little, shall we say, disrespectful. I can allow the boots to get by, but the hat--"

"--is, accordin' ta Ruby, an iconic part o' mah image as one o' Sunset's favored. And since she's somehow tha pope in this whole heap o' nonsense, tha hat is goin' ta stay."

Rarity blinked.

"....You know, out of all of us, I never expected you to be one to exploit Sunset's religious following."

The corner of Applejack's mouth quirked. "Ah'm just followin' expectations. Don't want nothin' ruinin' things fer tha happy couple, after all." She shrugged. "Even if'n Ah don't know 'em personally."

"They're two of the bishops for the church."

"Yeah, well, only member o' tha church Ah keep in touch with is Ruby, and that's only cause she keeps in touch with me."

Rarity threw up her hands. "You know what, fine. I had enough of a hassle designing the dresses for the brides--for some bizarre reason they insisted on incorporating armor into their gowns. Actual armor!" She gave an exasperated sigh. "At least I got plenty of practice with that after Rainbow's little stunt... speaking of, where is that ruffian?"

As if on cue, a blue figure rushed into the room, impossibly skidding to a stop in midair. "Guys! Look, I know this is going to sound crazy, but there's a giant weevil crawling over the mountains!"

There was a moment where they were all quiet, even as the rest of the wedding staff continued to set up the tables around them.

"Alright." Rarity held up a hand. "Let me just see if I understand you. A giant weevil is coming in from the mountains."

"Yes!"

"And we're supposed to think this is crazy... why?"

Rainbow blinked. "Uh, huge bugs? Square cube law? Basic sanity?"

"Rainbow," Applejack drawled, "Ah don't know if'n ya noticed, but we're at a weddin' with our friend as tha patron goddess, where a good number o' people--countin' tha priest--can actually fly, and most o' the rest can do some sort o' magic. Also we're 'parently saints cause we're friends o' said goddess. And, let's be honest, we got a superhero as a principal, who helps run a global super hero network, and--"

"Alright, alright, fine, I get it, life is weird." Rainbow rolled her eyes. "Seriously though, giant bug. We should do something about that."

"Right, Ah'll go talk ta Sunset. Ah mean, Ah assume the Power Patriots have somethin' on that already, but might be best ta keep her clued in."

"Very good. Now, Rainbow, is this going to be a problem for your aerial routine...?"

Applejack rolled her eyes as she left the duo to bicker over details, walking through the crowd to the head of the room. She approached Sunset Shimmer, resigned to wearing some elegant flowing thing, and Twilight Sparkle, fiddling with gem-studded glasses, as they argued with Ruby Rose--an oddly young pegasus aspect whose outfit looked like a mix between princess, pope, and goth.

"...all I'm saying is that if you switch to your unshelled form now, we could--"

"Look, I'm happy for the two of them, and I get this is important, but the fact is I'm only here as the observer. I don't want to make any glorious proclamation that I don't have to make. I'll go full pony when the time comes, alright?"

Ruby sighed, adjusting the papal tiara in her blood-red hair. "I'm not asking you to make a proclamation. Part of the ceremony includes tying tresses made from your mane around the brides' wrists, and while I could cut your mane in front of the whole congregation--"

"'scuse me, don't mean ta interrupt," Applejack blatantly interrupted, "but somethin's come up Ah thought Sunset should be made aware of, just in case."

Sunset steeled herself, turning to her friend with a warm, if slightly forced, smile. "Is your bracelet acting up?"

"Eh, nah." Applejack glanced at the apple-shaped gem on her arm. "Whatever you and Ditzy did, that weird color magic ain't causin' no more trouble."

"What is it then? Protesters outside the church? A personal emergency? Yet another world-threatening force?"

"Possibly tha third one. Giant weevil comin' in over tha mountains. It's probably bein' handled, but Ah figgered Ah'd keep ya up to date..."

The other girl shut her eyes, masking their sudden glow. After a few moments, she opened them. "Well that's... an issue. I'm not seeing it... or rather, I'm not-seeing it."

"Uh... what?"

"She cannot detect the presence of the creature, but detects a void where the creature presumably is," Twilight translated. "Which is really kind of concerning, now that I think about it..."

"Yeah, it seems to be absorbing the local magic... could be a problem, and not one that I could fix." Sunset tapped her chin. "Whatever it is, it's attuned to the local magical sympathy, so normal spells are out."

Twilight hmmmed. "Is there a way to use alternative magical sympathies?"

"Yes, theoretically, but one would need foreign... magic...."

Both of them turned to Applejack.

Applejack blinked for a moment or two.

Then she sighed. "Ah'm gonna have ta have a right chat with Apple Bloom, ain't I? Alright, alright, the ceremony's not fer another half hour, Ah'll handle it."

"Thanks, AJ. Really appreciate it." Sunset turned back to Ruby. "Now, what's this about my mane being used in the wedding?"

"Well, the dual color is usually taken to represent Self and Other, so by tying their wrists with tresses from your mane it would symbolize the unification of..."

Applejack rolled her eyes as she walked away, clearing her throat as she passed by Rarity. "Not ta put pressure on ya, but Ah've been put on monster fightin' duty. Ah'll try ta make it quick, but mah dress might need a touch-up when Ah get back so--"

"Yes, yes, thank you for telling me darling, I'll be ready for it. As I was saying, Rainbow, you can't pull the whirlwind here, everyone has too much fabric--"

"I'm going to be up in the sky--"

"Yes, but that's no guarantee--"

The farmer rolled her eyes and walked out of the reserved banquet hall.

...and when issues crop up, ya try ta keep a level head...

The farmer let out an exasperated sigh as she walked out the door and beheld the array of friends, family, hired staff, and media reporters surrounding the building. She didn't really mind--weddings, in her mind, were important and worth celebrating--but even with something that could reasonably be argued to be an extremely important occurrence, she couldn't help but think that maybe some people were blowing this a touch out of proportion.

Rolling up her metaphorical sleeves, Applejack started pushing through the milling crowd. "Scuse me. Pardon me. Just gonna do a thang, won't be a moment. Scuse--"

"Saint Applejack! Why are you leaving?"

Applejack paused, turning to the bespectacled little girl in a tiara that was staring up at her with weepy aquamarine eyes. "Aw, shucks, Ah ain't leavin'. Ah just gotta... handle a lil' problem that cropped up. Ah'll be right back for the wedding, promise."

"Really?"

"Really really." She glanced about. "Um... are ya'll alone here?"

"Oh no. Daddy and father are... somewhere..." She frowned, a bow of light extending from her neck as she rose to look around. "I don't know where they are, though."

Normally Applejack would have offered to look after the girl herself until her parents could be found, but she wanted to get the thing with the weevil over and done with as soon as possible. "Oooookay. They're probably inside, then, why don't ya'll head thar and--"

"Did you really defeat the shadow-weaver of the dark crystal?"

"...whut?"

"A lot of people said the dark crystal that attacked Canterlot High brought a shadow-weaver," the little girl explained. "And you're the seer of truth, you had to have done it right?"

"Um." Applejack looked at the little girl's pale, eager face. "Ah... guess you could say Ah knocked her out, yeah--"

"That's so cool!" the little girl screamed, her lightbow practically buzzing with excitement.

"Yeah, cool." Green eyes went to the mountains as she started pushing through the crowd again. "Look, Ah really have ta--"

"You're the bestest saint!"

"...The bestest, huh?"

"Well yeah." The little girl buzzed after her as she continued on her way. "Daddy says everyone is the bestest at something, and all the other saints are the bestest at being things that aren't saintiness. Saint Dash is the bestest at awesome, Saint Rarity is the bestest at pretty, Saint Pinkie is the bestest at... silly, I think? But you are the bestest at saintiness."

"Bestest at saintiness." Applejack chuckled. "Quite tha glowin' review, miss...?"

"Oh! I'm Zipporwhill, Zipporwhill Acapella Nightjar-Robin-Starchild nee Wastebasket."

"...Wastebasket."

"On account of the person who brought me to the orphanage found me in a dumpster." Zipporwhill shrugged. "I think I was thrown away cause of my condition, which means whoever made me aren't good parents at all, but I've gotten over it."

Applejack looked at her askance. "Yer... condition?"

"My body doesn't make chromelanin," the little girl explained. "Isn't it obvious?"

"...Huh. Funny story." Applejack gestured at herself. "When Ah was a lil' girl, mah parents went through some hard financial times and got me a bit o' super cheap soap. Didn't realize that it had hydroquinbione in it, washed the chromelanin right outta me."

Zipporwhill gasped. "Really?"

"Eeyup. Used ta be orange as... an orange. Now Ah'm pale and proud o' it."

"Wow. I've never met anyone else who didn't have chromelanin! I thought I was the only one in the city!"

"Heh. Maybe we should start a lil' club fer us none-rainbowy kinds."

"Ohmygosh a club with you and me and anyone else like us?!" Zipporwhill squealed. "That would be so sweet we could ask daddy to host it at his mansion and I could show you my puppy she's just the cutest little brown yorkie and why are we not in the crowd anymore?"

"Cause you were followin' me and Ah have ta deal with somethin' outside tha weddin'." Applejack turned to the girl. "Why don't you stay put right here? Or maybe go inside ta look fer yer pas, Ah'm sure they--"

"What are you dealing with anyway? Is something wrong with the wedding? Is it a top secret saint mission? Is it some family issue that I shouldn't be asking about? Does it have anything to do with the giant bug that's crawling over the mountains?"

Applejack sighed. "Yes, it's the giant bug. Ah'm just gonna--"

"Oh, right, you're a farmer! You know a lot about bugs, so Sunset Shimmer must have asked you to handle it real quick!"

"...That is... technically true," Applejack allowed, "which is why Ah really--"

"You really are the bestest at saintiness! Can I watch, can I can I please please please please pleeeeeeeeeeease?"

"...Zipporwhill, Ah'm gonna be fightin' a giant bug. Puttin' aside how weird that is--and Ah know, it ain't as weird as it could be--it's goin' ta be mighty dangerous fer anyone who sticks around!"

"I'll stay back from the big fighting I super promise I'll just keep out of the way I'm super small and I can fly also and I can keep people from panicking and anyway if I'm near you when you're fighting the giant bug not in combat near but like off to the side near then daddy and father can find me quicker and I'll do whatever you say I super duper promise pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"

Applejack took a long look at her.

"....You're gonna follow me no matter what Ah say, ain'tcha."

"Yep!"

"See, this is tha problem with havin' so many world-threatenin' events, survival instincts go straight out tha window... fahn, but you have to PROMISE ta keep away from the whole shebang by ten meters, at tha least!"

"Oh, yes of course Saint Applejack!" Zipporwhil filpped in midair. "Eeeeeeeeeeeeee this is going to be super duper crazy awesome!"

"Come on, mah truck's over thar...."

...but sometimes, ya just gotta go big.

"...and then I said 'we're totally going to have a moon colony!' and she said 'nuh-uh, there's no space economy!' and I was all like 'just you wait' and we have a moon colony now and people are talking about going to Ares and--"

Applejack hit the brakes, shoving her truck to a standstill. "Well, this is it."

"It is?" Zipporwhill looked out the window. "I didn't even notice!"

"We're at tha city limits, actually." Applejack opened her door. "Now what have Ah said?"

"Stay at least ten meters away from whatever you're doing, try to fly high enough that I can dodge anything thrown, and only three meters above the ground maximum, and do whatever you tell me to do without asking why."

"That's right." The farmer gave the little girl a final look, before turning to glance at the cause of the issue. "Now let's see what we've got here..."

The creature that was just clambering down the mountain was... well, visible from a distance, which was worrisome. Mountains were big, and this thing wasn't nearly as big, but gauging its size based on the relative area covered it could easily rub shoulders with the tops of some of the larger skyscrapers. Well the top of its bulging body could, anyway--the thing's twelve clawed fins emerged from a thick loop around the oblong central form, slowly tugging it across the ground, while three stalks with multitudes of bulging branches wavered from the sphere on the front.

It did sort of look like a weevil. In outline. Actually, it looked more like the pair of weevils she had stumbled upon when she was six, and had THAT led to an awkward conversation with her parents, but the point was there were too many limbs and suckers for it to be called just a weevil. Maybe a gigaweevil.

With a deep breath, Applejack strode forward, tapping the bracelet on her wrist. A potent power, one that by all rights should not even be in her universe, began to seep into her bones, and her eyes glowed green as she forced her body to accept it. Each stride she took was longer then the last--one half meter, one meter, two, four, ten, twenty...

By the time she had reached the giant bug, the farmer was about eye-level with the creature's lack of shoulders. This close, she could see that the striations on its back were actually some sort of venting system, rising and falling in a breathing pattern. One of the stalks twisted, the bulbs all bending toward her--they didn't quite look like eyes of any creature she had seen, but she realized easily enough she was being examined.

"Now look," Applejack began, "Ah don't know what you are or what ya want, but a lotta people would be on mah back if Ah didn't give ya the benefit o' tha doubt. So, if yer' willin' ta talk with me 'bout what you want--"

Her arm shot up as she willed a thick layer of bark onto it, blocking the sudden jab of the stalk's point. "Gonna take that as a no."

She grabbed the stalk with her other hand, wrenching it out of her sudden armor and dragging it forward; the giant creature stumbled just a bit, giving an earth-rattling screech as she tore one of the bulbs off. The other two stalks lunged at her, forcing her to leap up in order to dodge their sharp points. With skill gained from two years as a rodeo enthusiast, she spun in midair and used the great appendage she was holding to rope together the other two stalks, all three twitching in confusion when she landed.

"Right, that otta take care o' WHOA NELLY!"

The beast swung her side to side, up and down, twirling its long stalks in an attempt to shake Applejack's grip. Her eyes glowed again as she focused, vines extending from the surface of her hand and entangling the great stingers, but that wasn't enough--her grip broke as she was flung into the air, the knotted stalks breaking free from the vine confines and arch toward her in chittering rage. With a sudden surge of willpower, she grew again, bringing her boots together as she fell toward the tangled tendrils.

Her smile grew vicious as she landed, one foot holding down the screeching stalks while the other stomped a bulb into gory orange bits. "Just like smashin' pumpkins," she mused. "If tha pumpkins were long and attached ta a whippin' vine, Ah mean." She glanced down just in time to see the tendrils wrapping around her ankle. "Well, shoot."

The creature reared back, whipping her into the air and smashing her into the mountain once, twice, thrice. Only her rapid reaction--and the sudden formation of wooden armor--kept Applejack from gaining more scrapes then she actually did. The beast lunged backward with a final scream, smashing her into the ground hard enough to leave an impact and leave her momentarily dazed; she managed to shake it off just as it jumped up, and her eyes widened when she realized the round mass blotting out the sun was falling right at her.

Legs and arms both shot out, just catching the thing as it landed, and the farmer grunted with effort as the great mass pushed her further into the earth. For a moment it seemed certain she would be buried, forced to sink into the pit her body formed.

Her eyes glowed once more, and she grit her teeth.

She pushed back against the mass, wriggling left and right even as the tangled stalks reached under to lash at her, even as her body was pushed further into the earth. The deeper she was pressed, the more leverage she got, and the more power seemed to flow through her; the very thing that might have crushed a lesser woman gave Applejack a dangerous strength. With a mighty groan, she managed to flip the being off and over, gripping the sides of the pit and pulling herself out.

The great beast still dwarfed her, but looking on as it rocked back and forth on its rotund back with its clawed flippers flailing about she didn't exactly feel intimidated. Cracking her knuckles methodically, she approached one of the rotating limbs, bracing herself against the body of the creature with one hand and grabbing the flipper with another. A great screech accompanied her tearing it out of its socket, and she gave a grim smirk.

"Now, see, if ya'll had talked 'bout this instead'a just attackin' me, ya wouldn't have gotten--"

Apparently the creature had had enough. With an odd.... twisting motion, it warped and vanished from reality.

"...Huh." Applejack looked at the clawed flipper still twitching in her hand, laying it carefully down next to the large pit and dusting herself off. "Alright then. Hope that's tha last o' that." She turned back to the city, striding back and shrinking with every step.

She was still twice her usual height when she reached her truck, but that wasn't any problem for Zipporwhill--the little girl just buzzed eagerly about her head. "Ohmygosh that was so super duper crazy awesome you turned into a giant and you grabbed the big bug's whipthing and whipped around its other whip things and then you flipped it over and you were a tree at some point I think and ohmygosh that was just so incredible you really are the bestest saint ever!"

"Ah don't know 'bout that," Applejack drawled, waiting for her body to go back to its usual size. "Ah'm gonna be cuttin' it awful close gettin' back to tha wedding, and Ah gotta get mah dress cleaned on top o' that--Rares will probably be able to do that super quick with magic, but she might gripe about it."

Zipporwhill blinked. "You just fought a giant bug and that's what you're worried about?"

"Eh." Applejack shrugged, opening her truck door. "Ah'm a farmer. Pest control comes easy to me. Now come on, yer pas are probably super worried about'cha."