101 Uses For A Dead Alligator

by deadpansnarker

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Gummy, Pinkie Pie, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6
Length: 3614

Being called away to her rock farm for an emergency, Pinkie Pie asks Rainbow Dash to watch Sugarcube Corner and alligator-sit Gummy for a couple of days. It's all going so well, until Dash sits down... and hears a squelchy noise underneath her. Oops.

Being called away to her rock farm for an emergency, Pinkie Pie asks Rainbow Dash to watch Sugarcube Corner and alligator-sit Gummy for a couple of days. It's all going so well, until Dash sits down... and hears a squelchy noise underneath her. Oops.

Yes, the title is a direct call out to Weekend At Bernie's and this book. Just so we're clear.

Published 2017-03-15 11:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-03-15 11:10:01 UTC

Weekend At Pinkie's

"Ooohhh nnnnooo"... Rainbow Dash gasped in abject horror, as she flew around Sugarcube Corner with reckless abandon as though her heedless frenzy could aid her current predicament.

Panic had well and truly set in to her brain, and was causing her to bounce off the inside walls like a pinball machine. Getting a high score however, was the large thing on her mind.

For the multi-coloured pegasus had just committed a terrible, awful, heinous act which was far worse than any other transgression she'd ever been party to.

Worse than the time she attempted to turn everyponys' tongues rainbow colours with a special brand of prank cookie...

Worse than when she drove all her friends crazy with her bragging, thus creating the notorious (now retired) superhero Mare Do Well...

Worse even than when she blew up the Weather Factory, to stop her turtle from going into a long hibernation sleep.

Speaking of Tank, it could be said that Dash's current desperate situation might be traced back to her adoption of the green critter. Despite some rough beginnings with the reptile at first, since the day of the race where she'd 'won' her pet, the two were now virtually inseparable.

Tank gave her his love and devotion, and in return the pegasus polished his shell, took him out for rides using a specially built helicopter-type contraption and even read him the occasional bedtime story (a favourite was The Tortoise And The Diamond Dog). Rainbow thought she did a pretty good job of taking care of her best little bud (after Scootaloo), and so had been excessively confident in accepting a request that Pinkie Pie had asked of her the other day.

The party-loving pony had to attend to an immediate emergency at her rock farm, something to do with a 'dragon's egg' being found on the premises, and the Cakes were off visiting their in-laws, too. Having no previous experience in much besides cloudbusting, it would obviously be a little unfair to expect Rainbow to run the retail business while the occupants were away, so Pinkie had something else in mind for her speedster friend.

It had two big purple eyes, scaly skin and no teeth whatsoever. Yes, the appropriately-named Gummy needed an baby-alligator-sitter while his mistress was away... and what better pony to look after him than a fellow aficionado of all things green and slimy?

It had sounded like such a simple task, to watch a virtually immobile creature for one weekend, as well as keep the store safe. Despite Pinkie giving her a list the size of Steven Magnet's tail of rules to follow, Rainbow was absolutely positive she could overlook it and just leave the little blighter in peace to stare at the wall, while she spent the weekend eating muffins, lick frosted icing and generally just chillaxing.

...That was until the ravenous pegasus decided to take a seat on the desk while carrying a particularly heavy plate of edibles. She was already savouring the delicious future taste of the delectable morsels in her mouth, when she heard a little crack from below her furry posterior.

Wondering what could be the cause of the random noise, Dash took a moment to check underneath her hind-quarters, immediately scattering her menagerie of sweet treats everywhere upon discovering the horrible truth, and a wild shrieking noise to commence emitting from her larynx, which leads us back neatly to the beginning of this sorry tale.

For you see, Rainbow Dash, honoured Wonderbolts member, current holder of the Element Of Loyalty and trailblazer for that most taxing of aerial maneuvers known as the 'Sonic Rainboom'...

Had just reduced Pinkie Pie's prize pet into a portion of prime pancake. She'd marmalised the tragic creature. Squashed him flatter than Cloudsdale's best runway.

Or, if you like, turned him into a very attractive piece of hoof-luggage, with a few minor modifications needed, of course.

Asking Rarity for assistance to formulate a new item of traveling gear was as far from the hysterically-darting Rainbow Dash's mind as could possibly be described, though. Instead, disturbing images of a depressed Pinkie, mane down and talking to rocks, sacks of flour and psychiatrists for the rest of her (un)natural life began filtering through her unnerved mind, giving her even more excuse than ever to freak out on a truly epic scale.

Eventually though, Rainbow's more rational, sober side began to kick in, and her reaction to the current chain of heartbreaking events became less frenetic, and a little more nuanced. It suddenly occurred to her that alerting half of Ponyville to her damaging carelessness through her screeching was quite inadvisable, and a cooler head would be absolutely essential if she was to survive the upcoming trials ahead.

She made a little mental checklist in her head, of essential things she'd have to do help lessen the impact of this most unfortunate accident. Usually, long tabulations of boring stuff were more her friend Twi's way of handling everyday problems, and Rainbow was more of a charge-straight-in-ask-questions-later kind of mare. But desperate times call for desperate measures, and they don't come much more critical than pushing up the daisies on your pal's favourite little reptile.

Breathing deeply, the now criminalised blue pegasus tried to be as methodical as possible in her preparations. First off: Is the victim actually deceased? Time to get a closer look. Dash visibly cringed as she tapped the lifeless corpse with an uneager hoof, finding no pulse and almost barfing after experiencing the mere sensation of the stone-cold body. Check.

Next, were there any witnesses? Fortunately, thanks to a bulletin put forth in the local newspaper and the Foal Free Press, both generations were aware that their favourite eatery was closed for a few days, so the chances of some sugar-crazed customer peeking their curious face through the window was slim to say the least. Plus, the door seemed secure, it was still work and school hours for most ponies... yep, Rainbow was pretty sure it was just her and the tiny cadaver. Check.

Lastly, what to do next? Telling Pinkie about the entire harrowing affair upon her return, and then sending her spiraling into a miasma of mental turmoil should be avoided... but what else could Dash do? She couldn't exactly rush down to a dirty expanse of water, steal a baby alligator from it's mother and then proceed to bash out it's entire dentition with a mallet to replace the deceased being. That wouldn't just be difficult, it would be nigh-on impossible. Not to mention dangerous, and thoroughly unethical.

And yet, when Rainbow thought of the alternative...

Hmm, now where did I put that map? I need to check where the nearest swamp is...

Ding-a-ling "Hi there, just come to see how you're doing..." A noise suddenly permeated through from the entrance, prematurely halting Dash's dastardly scheme of child abduction and amateur dentistry in it's implausible tracks. The musical tinkle of the door opening was accompanied by a considerably less-welcoming spoken aria of a certain egghead who'd decided to pay the cafe a flying visit that day. Because she'd flown there, you see.

Indeed, it was Princess Twilight Sparkle. Usually, such a humble bistro would be honoured to have such a distinguished guest, but seeing as Rainbow hung out with the modest royal almost every day, her response to all at once being in such prestigious company was somewhat more muted.

Particularly because the interfering know-it-all would ask a lot of intrusive questions if she suspected a single thing was amiss, and the jig would be well and truly up. To convince the famously fastidious alicorn that everything was ship-shape would be a tough undertaking indeed, but it was one Rainbow was going to have to rise to the occasion for.

Or, sink like a stone. Whatever.

Now, what to do next...
..................................................................................................

Having just arrived from her castle after asking Spike to clear away his comic book collection and Starlight Glimmer to throw out all the bent cutlery (she'd been practicing magic with Trixie), Twilight was not best pleased to discover a cornucopia of dessert related stains splattered everywhere on the walls and floor of Sugarcube Corner. It all stemmed from the moment that Dash had surreptitiously thrown her goodies into the air after her almighty shock, but the alicorn didn't know that part... yet.

Frowning at her sometimes-irresponsible pegasus friend's apparent complacency for such an meaningful job, Twilight made a little promise to thank herself later for an entirely justified instinctive decision to pay a 'surprise' visit that day, to see how the occasionally-capricious mare was coping with this oh-so-important task. All of her other closest acquaintances said she was being 'paranoid', 'unreasonable', 'a worrywart' (this was her least favourite one). She'd show them! She was right all along to be concerned! In your face, optimism! You lose idealism!

Well, time to get to the bottom of this unbelievable mess. "Dash! What on Equestria is goin..." She began the opening refrain of her infamous Lecture Concerto, only to stop dead when she fully surveyed what awaited her in the backroom of the building.

Rainbow and Gummy... were playing cards. A high-stakes game as well, judging by the amount of marshmallows-as-chips that were being divided between the pair. Gummy was even winning, based on his pegasus opponent's obvious frustration at receiving yet another bad hand, resulting in the annoyed mare throwing her useless cards across the table while voicing her displeasure audibly.

"Darn it! You've got a full house of Princess Cadence, Shining Armour and Flurry Heart, and what do I have? FIVE Prince Bluebloods!! The most useless combination of all!! Go on then, take your soft sweet prizes, you merciless, toothless old shark, you. After all, they're the only thing you can eat. We'll get a fresh deck now... and this time, I'm dealing. Oh, hey, Twi."

Scrutinising the table where the 'big game' was taking place carefully on her approach, Twilight trotted over to her pegasus friend with an understandably confused expression. "E-Er hey there, Dash. Sorry for suddenly 'dropping in' like this, but I have to ask... what exactly are you doing down here? You're supposed to be watching the shop for the Cakes, but instead you've made an absolute shambles in the front room, and now I find you in here, gambling with Gummy, of all creatures..."

"Y-Yeah... it's a pretty high-stakes match." Rainbow hoped that the overwhelming sense of impending doom she felt at this stage didn't appear in her rattled demeanor. "He's totally cleaning me out. Don't worry though, as soon as I've 'mopped the floor' with my cunning opponent here, I'll do the same thing in the main area. You have my word as a Wonderbolt."

"Well, that's good then. If you're busy, I suppose I better leave you to it..." Twilight's fears were somewhat allayed upon hearing Rainbow's solemn vow. There's no way such a proud member of the elite team would make such a bold statement lightly. Just before she departed though, she had one more thing to say. "Oh, and Dash..."

"What?"

"Gummy has a full set of Celestia and Luna cards hidden under his front claws. Well, take care."

What? That cheating, little.. Rainbow immediately rose up to check if Twilight's accusations of treachery were true, before abruptly realising that, of course they weren't. After all, as they say, 'dead mares don't tell lies, and dead alligators don't cheat'. She'd just got stitched-up... by a geek.

Furious with herself for falling for such an obvious ruse, Rainbow rushed to the front entrance to altercate with the alicorn, only to be greeted with nothing more than a few loose feathers, and a blot on the horizon.

"Yeah, you better run... I mean, fly." Rainbow warned as she waved her hoof angrily at the rapidly retreating figure, and the distant chuckle she got in response, was a reminder that anyone, no matter how studious they might be, can be a smart ass (as in, donkey).
..........................................................................................................

The rest of the weekend was... interesting to say the least. Aside from fretting what to say to Pinkie upon her inevitable return, most of Rainbow's tenure at Sugarcube Corner was punctuated by random appearances from her three other equine best friends, these visitations no doubt 'encouraged' by Twilight to keep Rainbow on her hooves and on the proper path of 'responsibility'.

The worst part was, whenever each of these uninvited guests showed up, she'd have to concoct an evermore elaborate procession of activities to participate in with Gummy, to cover up for the alligator's untimely demise in a convincing way. These included:

Square-dancing when Rarity came a-calling. ("Darling, he has the most gracious moves I've ever seen!" gushed the unicorn, obviously in a humourous mood that day.)

Apple-bobbing when Applejack popped over. ("How's she supposed to grab the apples, with no teeth?" the farm pony inquired, not unreasonably.)

Mane-combing when Fluttershy turned up out of the blue (The yellow pegasus noticed the discrepancy between the designated exercise and the baby alligator's distinct lack of hair, but was far too polite to say anything).

Finally, after all was said and done, and after cleaning the entire building from top to bottom in a determined zeal to make amends for the terrible tragedy she'd caused, Rainbow thought she'd done a pretty good job of covering things up before Pinkie arrived back.

She was also completely beat, so it was an almost-catatonic pegasus who greeted her party-loving friend on the blessed morning of her return. "H-Hey there Pinkie. H-Had a good time at your family's place?" Rainbow leaned on the front desk, needing something to prop her up.

"Egg hatched, horrifying creature popped out, lots of property destruction, nopony got hurt, we saved the day with Friendship. You know, the usual week in Equestria. But never mind about all that. How are you..." Pinkie gasped as she took in all the shiny, gleaming walls, and plucked a pair of sunglasses from nowhere to shade herself from the glare. "Wow, Dash! I haven't seen the place looking this sparkly since Mr and Mrs Cake found out about that leaked health inspection! Thank you so much! Why don't you keep your own place this spick 'n' span?!"

"Y-Yes, t-thank y-you..." Dash drew a deep breath, and got ready to spill her guts. She didn't want to ruin her friend's good mood, but frankly saw little other option. " L-Listen P-Pinkie, I've got something I need to t-tell..."

"Sorry Dashie. I can't wait any longer. I have to see my baby. Come on Gummy, Mama's here. Don't worry if you don't want to run, rest your sweet little legs. I understand..."

Oops. Something Rainbow had apparently forgotten about was that Pinkie had the attention span of a fraction of a millisecond, and before the blue pegasus could utter another pensive word she felt a pink breeze brush past her into the backroom, where she'd been kind enough to lay out the corpse of the little alligator in state. She'd really wanted to prepare Pinkie for what was to follow, to soften the blow which would hit her like a tornado at a thousand feet in the sky. This was a Dash metaphor, naturally.

It was much too for that now, though. At this precise moment, the unsuspecting pink pony would be making her way over to the lifeless remains of her cherished pet, lips a-trembling, forever traumatised by the sight of the one she loved lying stone-dead in front of her. Then, after the initial shock had passed, then would come the inevitable...

SCREAMMMMMM!!! Yep, there it was.

Rainbow's shoulders visibly sagged, as the full implications of what she'd done had at last finally pierced the joyful mind of her friend. Well, it was time to 'fess up, tell all, lay it all on the line... basically, eat the most massive slice of humble pie ever to be put on the menu of this notable restaurant.

Taking a few seconds to compose herself, she began her mournful soliloquy. "P-Pinkie, I'm really sorry. I-It was all my fault. Y-You see, I..."

Hang on a minute.

Dash rubbed her eyes. Nothing changed.

She tried wiping them again. Still no difference.

Finally, it was time to resort to the good ol' fashioned pinch. Which, as those of you with hooves will know, is pretty darn difficult. Ouch!

She wasn't dreaming. This was actually happening.

For there, standing large-as-life in front of her, was Pinkie and a very-much-alive Gummy sitting on her shoulder, both sucking on the latter's hard-won marshmallows. Despite Dash's earlier pledge, the little creature had managed to thrash Dash on every single hand after Twilight's departure, and had now earned a fortune in chewy junk food as a result. A cute critter could retire on that sort of income.

Rainbow's bankruptcy in candy didn't really bother her right now, though. Neither did the fact that an apparently guileless, statuesque reptile had utterly humiliated her at cards on one long, stressful afternoon.

No, what really made her tail itch, her lips a-quiver and her eyebrows move almost to the top of her head was the incredible resurrection of the animal, which to all intents and purposes should be six feet under, but was now atop Pinkie Pie acting as though it had been a nice, quiet, uneventful weekend.

"Oh, I knew I could count on you to look after Gummy!" Pinkie Pie gave the nonplussed figure of Rainbow Dash a long hug, while continuing to sing her friend's praises. "You even left out this little snack for him too, laid a bouquet of flowers on his body and made a little box for him to sleep in tonight! Dashie, whatever would we do without you..."

"B-But... I-I thought he was dead..." Rainbow finally found the words, but they came out like more of a gasp than a fully-formed sentence.

"Dead?" Pinkie looked concerned for a moment, and went to examine her pet closely. Her fears were soon allayed though, and she continued beaming at the highest possible wattage. "Don't be a silly filly! He's never looked more alive! In fact, he's saying he loves you! You must have treated him extremely well this weekend, to form this kind of emotional bond! Do you want to give him a kiss, before you go?"

"No, no!!" Rainbow snapped, but after seeing Pinkie genuinely offended by his reply, decided to clarify things. "W-What I mean is. I sat down! H-He was under me! I-I heard a crack, a-and he's been lifeless ever since. S-So how on Equestria is he s-still..."

"Oh, now I see what you were getting at..." Pinkie giggled a little, before offering up her own interpretation of events. "You don't have to worry about crushing good old durable Gummy here, why I must have plonked my keister down on him like a hundred bazillion times before, and he's always escaped without so much as a scratch! Also, it sounds like what you experienced is typical behaviour for him. Sometime he goes days without so much as blinking, so don't worry about him being a bit stiff. When he gets going though... WHOOSH! You ought to see how fast he goes... or rather you can't, on account of his speed. Amazing, huh?"

The patent absurdity of that statement eluded Dash for now, as everything began to click into place, much to the pegasus's chagrin. There was just one little matter to clear up, though. "Okay, I get it. I feel like a total chump now... but what was that crack I heard underneath me, when I sat down on the first day, as it clearly wasn't him..."

"Hmm... let's see." Pinkie pondered, while pulling out another of her famous fancy dress outfits, this one consisting of a deerstalker hat, a pipe and a magnifying glass. Without warning, she spun Dash around and scanned her back end, getting a pony's eye view of her rear in the process.

"H-Hey, what are you doing?" Rainbow paled, uncomfortable with such an intimate inspection at such close quarters. "E-Ever heard of personal boundaries?"

"Yeah, I think I read it once. Great beginning, mediocre middle, lousy ending..." Pinkie muttered thoughtfully through her pipe, while blowing a battalion of bubbles in the air. "Anyway, shush. Professional at work here... aha! That didn't take very long. I think I've found your culprit right here, Ms Dash..."

Unable to hide her curiosity for any longer, Dash sneaked a peek at the tiny object that Pinkie had picked out of her fur, now held up so clearly in one proudly raised pink hoof...

A bit of wafer.

All of Rainbow's toils and tumult of the last few days caught up with her at that decisive moment. The anxiety... the torment... the sheer hard work that this horrible weekend entailed, when she could've just been unwinding with a big bag of sweet treats. This entire nightmare had been caused by a...a...

Dash hit the deck, snoring. It had all just been too much.

"Aw, isn't she cute!" Pinkie popped the wafer in her mouth as she gushed to Gummy, upon seeing her friend sound asleep. "Let's go in the den so we don't disturb her, shall we? I say she's earned her rest. So, what do you want to do now? How about a nice game of chess? After all, I think we've been overdoing the cards a bit of late, wouldn't you agree?"

Author's Note

And so, the one-shots continue. I had a lot of fun writing this, and I hope you did reading it. Don't forget to comment! Until next time now... :raritywink: