Twilight's a thief, because who gives a crap about logic?

by TheMajorTechie

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Rarity, Random, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1930

Twilight stole a statue and doesn't give a crap about it, 'cause nothing is logical anymore. Rewritten with permission from Evictus' original fic.

Twilight stole a statue. Not just any statue, though, for it was the Sacred Totem of Amazingly Rad Epicness, or S.T.A.R.E. for short.

Also, she doesn't really give a crap about it. So there's that.

Rewritten from the story "Thief" with permission from Evictus. I took it as a personal challenge to see what I could do with a story that has far more dislikes than likes. :derpytongue2:

Published 2017-03-15 01:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2017-03-19 20:07:59 UTC

Oh hey. Look, a statue.

Author's Note

Took a little while to figure out where this would be heading without straying too far from the original, but I managed to pull if off in my typical random-comedy style. :scootangel:

Credits to The Story Writer for the original story, since I wanted to do something nice for them since they've been getting quite a lot of abuse in the comments of their stories for writing so badly.

Oh hey. Look, a statue.

“Thief”

Originally by The Story Writer. Rewritten by TheMajorTechie with permission.

Original story: Thief

Twilight silently sipped her tea as she scanned her shelves for additional reading material. “Ah, yes...” she thought as she pulled a book with a yawn, “On the Structure of Hats: A Retrospective”. She sat herself down on a nearby 'chair' and began to read. Mid-way through another sip of tea, she was startled by a knock at the door.

“Who is it?” She called as she placed her tea and book beside her. She made her way towards the door, wondering who it could’ve been. Though, that question was quickly answered the moment she opened the door.

“Rarity?” Twilight began as the mare stepped inside, “Aren’t you supposed to be busy right now?”

Rarity shook her head. “Oh, goodness, no, Twilight. I’ve overworked myself quite a bit recently. I came here to take my mind off my work for once.”

Twilight nodded, and began to make her way back to her ‘reading corner’.

“What’s that you’re reading, dear?” Rarity asked as she followed after her friend, “Oh, that hat book?” she replied upon spotting the cover, “It’s quite a good read, if you ask me. There’s plenty of patterns to work with, and even though it’s got that horrid baseball cap on the cover, there’s plenty of other hats in there as well.”

The alicorn halfheartedly rolled her eyes in amusement as her friend began to ramble on about the exact thing that she had come to take her mind off of. It was minutes before she finally quit.

Why? Because she finally spotted the absurdly large crystalline statue of Celestia that Twilight was currently sitting on.

“Twilight?” she began again, her voice mildly raspy from her seemingly endless talk about hats earlier on, “Would you care to tell why the Sacred Totem of Amazingly Rad Epicness is… how would one put it… underneath your plot?”

Twilight looked up from her book. “Oh, are you talking about the S.T.A.R.E. statue? I really thought that you were talking about the Arid Modem o’ Crazily Mad Nostrilhairs.”

Rarity facehoofed. “Twilight. Where did you get the statue?”

Twilight shrugged, shifting herself to the side, where she could read the book more comfortably.

“Twilight?” Rarity questioned again, “Tell me. Where did you get such a valued treasure? Especially one as well known as the S.T.A.R.E.”

Twilight set her book down on the statue’s face and sighed. “I stole it, Rarity,” she replied, “Clean and simple.”

“You what?!” Rarity gasped, “Why? Don’t you know what you’ve just done?!”

“Yup.” Twilight chirped calmly, “I stole one of Equestria’s most prized relics to use as a butt-holder, committed treason against the crown, ‘accidentally’ left Spike alone in the Crystal Caverns, and bought some tea.”

Rarity’s eye twitched as she failed to comprehend how her friend could do such a thing. “But… but why?” She asked, “What was the point of all this?”

Twilight took a long sip from her tea, before pouring herself another cup, and emptying that as well. “Why do you ask?” she finally replied, “It doesn’t really matter that much, does it? After all, it’s just a statue.”

“Just a statue?” Rarity screamed, “Just a statue?! You just stole one of the crown jewels of Equestria!”

By the time Rarity finished her brief rant, Twilight had finished pouring the entire teapot’s worth of liquid into her mouth.

“Yeah, so what?” She gurgled through the tea. At this point, small streams of the liquid had begun to leak at the corners of her mouth, and upon realizing this, she frantically threw the book at Rarity.

“CATCH!” She yelled, chucking the book at her friend as tea began to spill onto the S.T.A.R.E.

“ACK!” Rarity returned with an equally loud yell, “Twilight! Stop that this instant! You’re ruining the statue! You’ll be locked away in the dungeons!”

Twilight swallowed the mouthful of tea. “Yeah, I know.” she said cooly, “Why, does that matter to you?”

Rarity took a deep breath to calm herself before she exploded again. “Twilight.” she began, “Think about what you’ve done. Think of how it’ll affect you. Your friends, your family. Think about dear Spikey-Wikey. Would you truly have the heart to leave him alone as you’re banished into the depths of the dungeons?”

Frowning, Twilight replied, “Alright, so first of all, Equestria, as far as I know, has never had a prisoner held for more than a couple years.” She paused for a moment, toying with her empty teacup. “Second of all, visitors are allowed, so I’ll still be able to see you guys pretty often. And third of all, does Spike really even matter anymore? I mean, he’s probably having the time of his life with all those crystals.”

~~~{Meanwhile…}~~~

“Yoooooo…” Spike said as he lay on the half-eaten floor of the third cavern, “These crystals are like… staring into those pots of rainbows”

The nearby guard scratched his head. “Uh, Sir Spike? I believe that you should probably leave before you suffer any long-lasting mental effects.”

~~~

“Hey Rarity,” Twilight asked slyly while Rarity lay muttering to herself on her fainting couch, “Want anything from Canterlot? I could steal it for you.”

“WHAT?!” Rarity hissed, “Oh, no, missy. You’re in enough trouble as it is.” She shoved her fainting couch back into the hammerspace, and pointed a hoof at the S.T.A.R.E. statue. “What you’re gonna do is help me bring that statue back to Canterlot, and put it where you found it.” she lectured, “Now hurry up and help me lift this thing before--”

The door was suddenly rammed down by a squadron of guards. “HALT.” The lead guard ordered, “By the order of Princess Celestia, the two of you are now under arrest.”

“What--no… I’m innocent!” Rarity cried in despair as Twilight was hauled into the armored chariot, “I’m the Element of Generosity, for heaven’s sake!”

The guard raised a brow. “No, I’m talkin’ about Twilight and her accomplice over there, Princess Celesti--oh…”

Just then, the crystal statue chuckled, before bursting into hysteric laughter as Celestia dropped her disguise. “Y’ALL ARE FOOLS!” she howled with tears rolling down her face, “How didn’t you notice that I was missing that entire time? Or how the scroll came in from the left window instead of the right window when I sent it?”

“Um… I--” he stammered, “I mean, we didn’t expect that you’d be behind this, but--”

“Gotcha.”

“Oh.”

“Worth it?” Twilight asked as she held a hoof towards her mentor.

“Totally worth it.” Celestia replied, giving a hoofbump in return.

Rarity promptly passed out on her fainting couch, and Spike… Spike proceeded to barf rainbows for the next week and a half.

Don't blink... Actually, do blink, unless your eyes are already closed.

Author's Note

Just to be clear, I'm imagining all of this being set before the Golden Oaks library got destroyed, and The Story Writer's original story seems to suggest the same thing.

Don't blink... Actually, do blink, unless your eyes are already closed.

It was the darkest time of the night in Equestria. All around, ponies were asleep, critters crawled about, roaming for their next meal... and two statues that appeared to vaguely mimic the appearances of Celestia and Twilight sat silent in the castle of Friendship.

In an instant, they were gone.

"Twilight," Celestia spoke to Twilight, "Where shall we strike first?"

The two statues were still completely silent, however, 'cause obviously, if one wants to mimic the way of the statue, they must be the statue. And as such, Celestia and Twilight were statues. That just happened to be able to telepathically communicate with each other, that is.

"Ponyville." Twilight simply replied, "There's always a disaster there anyways."

Celestia's statue nodded in amusement. "True, true." She mused, "And I suppose that we shall be its next disaster?"

Twilight's statue form smirked.

"I'll take that as a yes."

"So where shall we hit first?" Twilight asked her mentor as they trotted invisibly through Ponyville, "My friends? Bon Bon? Ooh, what about Vinyl? I've heard of what she does when she freaks out!"

"Shh..." Celestia shushed as they neared their first target.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "The Golden Oaks library? I thought we were gonna... oooh, right..." she suddenly realized, "Spike."

The two alicorns quietly slipped in through the wall using a quick teleportation spell, shielded by a wide-range silencing spell. Up the stairs they went, until they found themselves at the foot of Spike's basket... bed... thingy.

"How should we wake him up?" Twilight silently asked, "Should I poke him with this conveniently placed extra-long metal stick?" She asked, holding up the Conveniently Placed Extra-long Metal Stick with her magic.

Celestia shrugged, phasing out of invisibility into her statue disguise. "Go for it."

WARNING: THE NEXT SECTION DETAILS A SERIOUS(ly?) EVENT OF TWO ALICORNS INFILTRATING AND POKING A DRAGON HATCHLING, BEFORE PROCEEDING TO SCARE HIM INTO SCREAMING LIKE A NEWBORN FILLY IN A CLOWN'S CARE. TAKE APPROPRIATE CAUTION AS YOU READ.

Twilight began sweating as she slowly inched up to her slumbering assistant, the Extra-long Metal Stick held tightly in her grasp. Little by little, the stick inched closer and closer to its target.

Approximately 2.47591 seconds later, Spike got booped on the nose with an Extra-long Metal Stick.

"AHH!" He screamed, instantly jerking up from his slumber as he frantically waved his arms in front of him. "STAY AWAY, VILE FIENDS, FOR I AM SPIKE THE MAGNIFIC--what?"

Instead of the beastly ghoul he had expected to see before him, he found himself face-to-face with two statues vaguely resembling the form of his caretaker, and Princess Celestia. Confused, Spike rubbed his eyes in attempt to clear his vision, thinking that it might've been an artifact of his recently awaken slumber.

The only problem was, after he took his claws off his eyes, the statues were... different, so to say. They weren't completely changed or anything, but they were clearly in different positions. The Twilight statue was now directly beside him with a diabolical smirk plastered across its face, and as for the Celestia statue, it was now wearing a banana suit.

"Uh..." Spike began, stammering to himself, "I think I'll just leave you two alone."

The young dragon promptly jumped out the window, hollering about hauntings and possessed 'statue spirits'.

Twilight shook the stiffness from her joints, turning to her mentor, who was currently peeling herself from the banana suit.

"Success?" she asked with a raised brow, pointing at the panicking Spike that was now waking everypony on the street up.

"Success." Celestia whispered back.

For the rest of the night, the two mares barreled through each and every household, enacting responses ranging from a simple shrug, to not only burning down their own house, but strapping themselves onto the nearest rocket and shooting themselves to the moon.

Also, Ponyville was flooded with rainbows the next day due to Spike's horrid nausea from jumping out the window, so that happened.

You have now reached the end of the story. Please take care to remember to re-enable your logical brain functions, and don't forget to smile!