Chapters Palace Perils
By The Rated Ponystar
Edited by Clavier, Fernin, Adjudicator, and tayman2037
Artwork done by ColgateFim (http://colgatefim.deviantart.com/ )
***
The sounds of a quill scratching across parchment echoed in the bedroom of Twilight Sparkle. Tonight was her weekly stargazing session and normally she would be excited, but tonight things seemed rather boring. A yawn escaped her throat and she smacked her lips together tiredly.
She started to write down the new directions of a star when she felt something. A familiar aura of magic was starting to form inside her room, slowly at first but soon it's power began to increase. Rising to all fours, she searched around for any sign of the strange magical energy. Suddenly, a burst of white light appeared in the middle of her room. The wind picked up, blowing her notes and other objects around like a tornado. Bolts of lightning crackled in the air as the name of the spell finally clicked in her mind.
Somepony was using a time spell, one of the most advanced forms of magic in Equestria. Twilight stepped back as the white light grew larger. Who’s coming this time? Myself again? Somepony else? Are they from the past or the future?! The light burst, and she shut her eyes to protect herself.
When the blinding light died down, Twilight opened her eyes and gasped. Right in front of her was a pony she had studied many times, a pony she had admired for his hard work and achievements. He was less beardy and looked very young, but the white mane, the grey pelt, the night-styled cloak and hat that held his signature bells all pointed to one unicorn.
“Star Swirl the Bearded...” whispered Twilight in awe.
Hearing his name, he turned around and faced the stunned pony. “Are you Twilight Sparkle?”
Twilight gulped and nodded. “Y–yes, I–I am. A–are you... Star Swirl?”
“Indeed I am,” said Star Swirl, raising his chin up high.
In an instant, Twilight squealed and started jumping up and down. “Oh my gosh! Star Swirl the Bearded is in my library! I can’t believe this! This must be a dream! It has to be a dream! Oh, but I hope it isn’t! I have so many questions! There are so many things I need to know about you! Is it true that you defeated the great horned dragon, Nexion? What was Arcania, the lost city of magic, like? How were you able to solve the final equation to the polymorph spell?”
“Twilight,” said Star Swirl, raising his hoof. “I know you have questions, but I don’t have long. I have been searching for a unicorn like you for some time.”
Twilight stopped jumping. She turned back to the time traveler, her eyes wide like dinner plates “Me? Why me?”
Star Swirl trotted forward, his piercing yellow eyes staring deep into her own. She couldn’t help but find them very attractive. He leaned closer and gently touched her cheek, imbuing them with a rosy tint in the process. “The truth is, Twilight, that I have been searching across time for a mate worthy of giving birth to my foal. A foal that will carry great magical power. With our combined magical talent, this offspring shall become the greatest mage of all time, and help lead the world into an age of enlightenment.”
“Who better to carry my foal then the Element of Magic herself?” whispered Star Swirl in Twilight’s ear.
Twilight’s head instantly turned red. Her mouth opened and closed, but no words came out. As her brain tried to process what Star Swirl was saying to her, he leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek. “Of course... if you don’t wish to do this, I understand. It’s your choice.”
Brain kicking in, Twilight shouted, “Yes! I want it! I really do!”
As soon as she finished, Star Swirl kissed her on the lips. She was surprised at first, but she soon gave in and allowed him to continue as he pleased. Losing control of her body, she fell on her back as he kissed her neck and proceeded downward. Twilight moaned, “Oh, Star Swirl...”
“Twilight....”
“Star Swirl...” moaned Twilight as she rubbed her hooves through his smooth mane.
“Twilight!”
***
A smack on the head woke Twilight up from her fantasy. She lifted herself off her messy study desk and rubbed her noggin. Wiping the saliva dripping down her chin, she turned around and saw Spike with a book in his hands. He tossed the book away and asked, “Have a nice nap?”
“Spike, don’t wake me up like that. And don’t abuse books like that either, they’re priceless!” complained Twilight. She levitated the book and placed it next to the rest of her pile.
“Well, next time try to not to stay up so late.” Spike raised an eyebrow. “What were you dreaming about anyway? You were moaning and mumbling.”
Twilight rubbed the back of her neck and giggled. “Um... just... imagining that I met Star Swirl the Bearded.”
“Huh,” mused Spike, walking away, “must have been some meeting.”
You have no idea, thought Twilight.
She waited until her assistant was gone before opening one of her desk drawers. Pulling out a purple book titled Dream Journal , she took her quill and began to write in it. Just as she was about to finish the first paragraph, a familiar burp echoed from below. She quickly rushed downstairs just as Spike was about to open the letter. “What’s the letter say, Spike?”
“I was just about to open it.” He tore off the seal and started reading. “My most faithful student, Twilight. I request your help in regards to my sister, Luna. I’ll explain more when you arrive. A chariot will be waiting for you by the time you receive this letter. Please come at once. Signed, Princess Celestia.”
No sooner had Spike finished they heard somepony knocking on the door. Twilight opened it, revealing a pegasus guard, his comrades and a golden chariot across the street. The guard saluted. “Miss Sparkle? We’re here to escort you to the palace at once.”
Twilight turned to Spike. “I’ll be back as soon as possible. Watch the house, please?”
“Don’t I always?” he moaned.
Twilight shook her head and followed the guard to the chariot. Some of the residents of Ponyville were whispering as Twilight got on. She always hated this. Every time she got summoned to the castle, rumors would spread. Like the one where she was a secret agent for Equestria off to do some dangerous mission. Or the one where she was the secret lover of Princess Celestia.
Settling in her seat, Twilight announced that she was ready. The guards reared back and flew into the air, dragging her towards the capital city. As they journeyed, she started to wonder what the princess’ letter had meant. What could be wrong with Luna? Does the princess believe she’s slowly turning into Nightmare Moon again? That can’t be because she would have called for all six of us. Maybe she’s fallen ill? Or she’s been kidnapped?! Twilight shook her head. Calm down, Twilight. Don’t get worked up over something like this until you know the facts. Not like the last... seventy-three times you’ve worried yourself.
Twilight instead went back to sleep, hoping Star Swirl would be waiting for her.
***
The pegasi managed to get to Canterlot in record time. They arrived at the palace and landed on a large balcony on an upper floor, where Princess Celestia was waiting. Twilight jumped out of her seat and rushed over to her mentor, giving her a loving nuzzle. “Twilight Sparkle, I’m so glad to see you,” said Celestia, returning the gesture.
“It’s good to see you too, Princess,” replied Twilight. The two of them walked side by side into the palace, the guards close behind. Twilight waited until they had walked around the halls a bit before asking, “Um, Princess? Why did you summon me? And what’s wrong with Luna?”
Celestia came to a stop and sighed. “I’m afraid my sister is a bit... unstable, Twilight.”
“That’s putting it mildly,” mumbled one of the guards, much to Twilight’s surprise. She turned to see if the princess had heard, but there was no change to Celestia’s behavior. Not a look of disappointment or anger at the fact that a guard brazenly insulted her sister. This only made Twilight worry more.
“Well, how bad are we talking about? Like ‘we’re going to need the Elements’ unstable?” asked Twilight, nervously.
“No, nothing of that sort,” said Celestia with a smile. “Do you remember my pet, Philomena?”
“Kind of hard to forget a bird that fakes her death and makes one of your closest friends cry...” muttered Twilight.
“Yes. Well, I’m afraid Philomena’s pranks have caused my sister to become obsessed with getting revenge,” explained Celestia, worry in her eyes. “She’s been locked up in her room for the last three days planning her vengeance. She orders meals to be delivered to her and gives instructions to her night court ministers. Some of the servants swear they hear her talking to herself. The only time she’s come out in the last few days was yesterday, and that was... an interesting experience.”
“How so?” asked Twilight.
“Well...”
***
“... and so it is with a heavy heart that we must say farewell to Mr. Socko. His adventurous and gentlesockly attitude will live on in our hearts and in our minds.” said Princess Luna, holding a large photo of her dearly departed sock. In front of her was the entire puzzled staff of the castle, all dressed in black. A teary eyed Luna wailed as the Royal Night Guards prepped their trumpets.
They turned to—in their minds—the only sane princess left, who mouthed them to “go on with it”. Raising their instruments, the guards proceeded to play Taps as the coffin was lowered into the earth. Only Princess Luna sobbed, while the rest of the attendants whispered and pointed at the display.
Princess Celestia struggled to keep her hoof from meeting her face. While she was glad that Luna had finally managed to get out of her room after two days, this funeral was just plain sad.
Leaning next to Celestia, one of her own guards asked, “Permission to speak freely, majesty?”
“Permission granted,” muttered Celestia.
“With all due respect, Princess Celestia, your sister needs to get out more.”
Celestia shook her head as she watched her sister jump into the grave, shouting the name of her favorite sock over and over again. Guards struggled to help her up as she fought against their efforts. “I wholeheartedly agree.”
***
Twilight was at a loss for words. She tried to find some sort of sign that the princess was joking, but her face was emotionless. “Um... well, okay, that’s interesting.”
“Yes, and it caused some concern with the staff. If my sister really is planning some sort of revenge scheme that involves Philomena, I would prefer it not to happen.” Princess Celestia shivered. “My sister has the tendency to go... over the top, let’s say, when it comes to certain actions, and I would like it if the palace wasn’t in danger of having a prank war.”
“So how do I come in?” asked Twilight, tilting her head.
Princess Celestia proceeded to guide her through the halls, the servants and guards bowing to them as they passed. “I’ve tried to convince Luna to calm down, but she says that, as Philomena’s owner, I am liable to expose her plans. As such, I feel you are the only other pony who might talk some sense into her. You and her have been exchanging mail since Nightmare Night, correct?”
“Yes. She also occasionally comes by my place to help me with my stargazing or for me to teach her more about modern Equestria,” said Twilight, giggling. “You should have seen Luna when I introduced her to a radio and rock and roll. She thought it was possessed by demonic spirits.”
Princess Celestia snorted. “Yes, Luna’s early experiences with technology were quite amusing. You should have seen her when I tried teaching her how to use a modern toilet. When it flushed, she ran out screaming that it was alive and trying to eat her.”
They soon arrived at Princess Luna’s bedchambers. A large ‘Keep out! ’ sign was on the door. Princess Celestia turned to her student. “I wish you luck, Twilight. Please convince Luna to put aside her revenge and try to talk with Philomena like a proper princess?”
Twilight bowed. “You can count on me, Princess Celestia.”
Celestia nodded and made her way down the hall, her guards following her. Alone, Twilight turned to the door and took a deep breath. She raised her hoof and knocked. “Princess Luna? It’s Twilight Sparkle. I was wondering if I could have a talk with you?” No response. Twilight huffed and knocked again. “Princess Luna?! Princess LunWAH!”
A force of magic reached out and dragged her into the unlit room. The door quickly shut behind her the moment she was inside. Rising to her hooves, she tried to peer into the darkness surrounding her. A simple light spell managed to solve that problem. Waving her horn around, Twilight searched the night princess’ chambers. There were tons of notes and books scattered across the floor.
Twilight lowered her head and began to read the titles. “Hmm, Phoenixes 101. Pranks for Dummies. 1001 Ways to Get Revenge . Is that Pinto’s Republic ?”
“That last one is just for light reading. Quite an interesting philosopher he was. I happen to like his work,” Luna’s voice echoed in the dark. Twilight nearly jumped, and placed a hoof over her beating heart. A second later, the lights turned on, and Twilight's eyes snapped shut. Squinting, she rubbed her eyes until her vision cleared. Princess Luna walked over and said, “Twilight Sparkle, ’tis good that you have come! I was just about to summon you myself, but it seems that is not needed. I have need of your assistance.” She leaned in, eyes darting about nervously, and whispered conspiratorially into Twilight’s ear, “You are the only one I can trust.”
“Princess Luna, your room is a mess.” Besides notes and books, the room was filled with joke props and gags. It looked like a combination of her library and Pinkie Pie’s room. Twilight turned to Princess Luna and saw that her eyes were bloodshot and her mane looked like a tornado went through it. “You look a bit of a mess yourself. Are you okay?”
“No, Twilight. I am not okay. What’s not okay is the fact that I have not gotten even with that accursed bird, Philomena !” shouted Luna, stomping across the room. She then turned around and raised her hoof up in the air, a crazed smile on her face. “But I will have the last laugh! After careful planning, I have prepared my list of pranks to enact upon her. Soon, victory shall be mine!”
“Uh, yeah. See that’s why I’m here actually,” said Twilight. “Princess Celestia—and myself as well—think that maybe you're taking this a little too far.”
Luna snapped her head towards Twilight. “Too far?!” She trotted closer, forcing the unicorn to slowly step back. “Let me tell you a bit about what Philomena has done to me ever since I’ve come back from my exile. She’s been pranking me nearly every week. At first it was simple stuff, like itching powder or dying my pelt. But then she started performing more embarrassing actions. Like putting my hoof in a glass of water when I slept or taping a sign that said ‘Worship My Royal Flank ’ on my backside without me noticing!”
“W–w–well, ma–maybe...” stuttered Twilight, backing up against the wall.
Luna, fury in her eyes, closed the distance between them. “But she really crossed the line when she burned my poor Mr. Socko!” Lowering her head, Luna wiped a tear from her eye before addressing Twilight again. “Too far, Twilight Sparkle? Oh no, she is the one who has gone too far! And I will do whatever is necessary to make sure she pays!”
“And how are you going to do that?”
Luna smirked and made her way to the closet, where she took out a small black box from inside. Curious, Twilight looked closer. Luna opened the box, revealing three small blue potion bottles. “What is it?” asked Twilight, levitating one of them closer.
“Poison joke potions,” answered Luna. Immediately, Twilight gasped and jumped back, her spell shutting off. Luna quickly grasped the falling potion with her own magic and glared. “Watch it!”
“Sorry! I just... have had bad experiences with poison joke.” Twilight shivered and felt her horn to make sure it was still straight and normal.
“Yes, I heard from my sister what happened that day. It’s what inspired me to create this!” Luna lifted the potion out proudly. “After I got the plants, I spent three days straight with no rest to create these little beauties. Not only will the effects appear instantaneously, instead of taking a day to kick in, but it’s so powerful, not even creatures with high immunity to magic will be able to resist it. And we’re going to make Philomena taste it.”
“Wait, what?” Twilight shook her head. “I think I misheard you. You’re asking me to help you with your pranks?”
“Yes. There is no other pony I trust other than you. If I remember correctly, you yourself had a little run-in with Philomena’s mischievous ways some time ago.”
“Well, yes, but she apologized for it. Anyway, as much I understand your anger, Princess Luna, I promised your sister that I would help you see reason and stop this foalish nonsense.” Twilight walked over and put her hoof on Luna’s shoulder. “Why not just talk to Philomena? I’m sure she’ll understand if you just give her a chance.”
Twilight held her breath as Luna looked at her and then at the potions. With a heavy sigh, Luna gently put the potion back into its case. “You are right, Twilight Sparkle. I guess I have let my anger get the best of me.” She smiled and nodded. “Very well, we shall talk with Philomena.”
Twilight turned around and made her way towards the door with a grin on her face. She almost felt the need to pat herself on the back for a job well done. Princess Celestia was going to be very pleased with her. Was there anything she couldn’t do?
Just as Twilight was about to reach for the doorknob, she heard Princess Luna say something that made her entire body freeze. “My beloved Star Swirl then began to lick the top of my horn as I rubbed my hooves gently over his sexy flank. Our fiery lust was so outgoing that not even the dungeons of the witches from the Volcano of Gloom could ruin it. Even if this was to be our last night together, it shall be one of no regrets.”
Twilight slowly turned around, filled with fear, as she saw a smirking Princess Luna with a familiar purple book levitating next to her. “I must say, Twilight, I never thought you were quite the pervert. But I guess that it’s true what they say about the smart ones. They always tend to surprise you with their fantasies.”
A billion questions erupted from Twilight’s mind, most of which were how the hay Princess Luna managed to get her dream journal. As if reading her mind, Luna closed the book and answered, “I found it one night when I visited your place. Forgive me, but I found your dreams to be quite… amusing. So I made a copy.” Her smile curved even more. “And I have more copies ready to be sent out to all of Equestria unless you help me.”
Silence filled the room as Twilight glared at her blackmailer, who remained calm and collected. The tension was almost as thick as the first time they met. Twilight growled, “This is extortion.”
“I prefer the term alternate persuasion,” said Princess Luna. “Just help me get one prank, just one prank, on Philomena and I’ll give you all the copies. That’s all I ask.”
Twilight glanced at the copy of her written secret desires and tried to think of some way to get the books back. Maybe if I...
“Should I also mention that two copies will be sent to a certain famous pair of newlyweds in the Crystal Empir—”
“Okay! I’ll help!” shouted Twilight. The last thing she needed was her brother and sister-in-law of all ponies looking at those books.
Princess Luna clapped her hooves. “Excellent. We shall begin at once!” She turned around, grabbed a saddlebag and strapped it on. She put one of the potion bottles inside while leaving the remaining ones on her desk. Luna then grabbed Twilight by the tail and dragged her outside. “Tally ho!”
As she was carried by the eager princess, Twilight thought, I can already tell this isn’t going to end well...
***
After convincing Luna to let go of her, Twilight unwillingly followed the princess until they reached the entrance of the private gardens. Once inside, they passed through the trees without incident. A few of the animals that were around took one look at them before running away. Twilight wasn’t surprised, considering Fluttershy’s experience at last year’s Gala. “So Philomena is hiding somewhere around here?”
“I’ve had a few of my guards stalk her so I can get a grasp of her schedule,” whispered Luna. She kept glancing at a different tree every second, her body tensing up from even the smallest of sounds. “If their information is correct, she likes to hang out with the other birds in this very section of the gardens.”
“And when we find her, what are you going to do?”.
Luna turned to her saddlebag and levitated a small glass bottle containing birdseed from inside. “This is what I’m going to do to here.” Her ears rose as a soft tune of a nearby bird sang through the air. Bringing her hoof to her lips, Luna motioned for Twilight to follow her. They silently stepped into a nearby bush next to a small clearing. Luna pointed up towards a tree across from them. Up in the tree was a blue jay, tweeting without a care to the world.
“Allow me to demonstrate,” whispered Luna. She took the cap off the bottle and then took out the poison joke potion. Removing the cork, she poured the potion into the birdseed and tossed some into the clearing.
The blue jay stopped singing. It turned around and saw the birdseed lying below for the taking. Twilight and Luna held their breaths as it looked around from its branch. When it saw that the coast was clear, it swooped down and began to eat the birdseed one by one.
Luna grinned mischievously. “Three… two… one…”
Twilight gasped as the bird’s feathers began to change. They started changing from sky blue to neon green with pink polka dots. The blue jay—or rather, spotted green jay—noticed the change in its appearance and squawked in horror. Luna couldn’t hold it in anymore and raised herself out of her hiding spot, laughing at the bird’s new look. The jay saw this and angrily shrieked at the princess before flying off.
“I see. You transfer the potion from the bird seed by smothering them with the poison joke. It’s not brewed to be permanent I hope?” asked Twilight, watching the bird fly away with sympathy.
“Of course not. Lasts only a few hours, but long enough for Philomena to be seen flying around in a different color. Oh, I can just picture her embarrassed face,” giggled Luna. With the initial testing done, Luna poured half the bird seed into one big pile and handed the rest to Twilight. “I’ll take watch over this pile here since this is most likely where Philomena will arrive. You start spreading the seeds nearby just in case.”
Twilight took the jar and nodded. “What happens if other birds eat it?”
Luna scoffed and shrugged. “Who cares? What are a bunch of birds going to do? Now time’s wasting. Get going.”
Once Twilight was gone, Princess Luna sat back down in the bushes and watched the pile of trick seed with anticipation. Time passed as birds from eagles to robins came and tried out the free birdseed. Sometimes their colors would change, other times their feathers would completely come off, some even managed to have their voices change to sound like various instruments. There was even a bald eagle who grew a full mullet of hair and a mustache. Luna held in her laughter as best as she could, but she was spotted a few times by the pranked avians. The birds angrily chirped at her, but she brushed them off until they left in a fury.
Half an hour later, Luna felt her legs getting tired, so she got up for a stretch. As she trotted around, wiggling her hooves, she looked up and gasped. In the distance, coming towards the clearing, was a red and orange bird that looked like living fire. Luna searched for a hiding spot. Thinking quickly, she flew up into a tree and attached herself to the highest branch.
Just as she got comfortable, Philomena glided in and started walking around the pile of birdseed. She tilted her head and sniffed it occasionally. Luna leaned in closer from her branch for a better look, shifting more weight upfront.
Philomena turned her head left and right, occasionally giving a tweet, and waited for a reply. When she heard none, the phoenix shrugged her shoulders and began to lean towards the bird seed. With a wide grin stretched across her muzzle, Princess Luna shifted herself forward towards the very tip of the branch. As she did this, her ears started to pick up the sound of something cracking. Turning around, her eyes widen as she saw her branch ready to break in two from the weight. “Oh, dear…”
SNAP!
Luna screamed as she fell towards the ground. Philomena looked up and quickly flew away just in time as the princess crashed into the birdseed, face first. It took her a few seconds to realize what had happened. She lifted herself out of the pile and spat out as many of the seeds as she could, but she could already feel the magic working inside her.
She watched in horror as her wings started to change first, the feathers on the left side turning mint green while the ones on the right turned purple. She tried to lift them up for a clearer look, but they began to grow heavier, like some weight was pressed against them. Her starry mane was no longer dark blue but orange with yellow stars. Her tail turned pink with white dots as the rest of her pelt became a swirl of red, blue, and maroon. Finally, her horn began to shrink. It got smaller and smaller until it was no bigger than a needle. Upon seeing such a sight, Philomena fell to her back and started laughing at the multi-colored princess.
Enraged, Princess Luna dived for the phoenix, but she was too slow. Philomena laughed and teleported away in a flash of flames. Luna let out every curse she knew in all the tongues she learned over millennia as Twilight Sparkle rushed to her side. “Princess?! I heard you and WOAH!” Twilight, flabbergasted, nervously raised her hoof. “Y-you…”
“I look like the lovechild between a hippie and a rainbow do I not?” asked Luna, sarcastically. “I was so close! So close to getting that infernal bird! Ugh, it can’t get any worse than this! I’m so angry I can hear screeches in my head!”
Twilight’s eyes widened. “That’s strange. So can I.”
The two of them stood silent as the growing disharmonic cries drew closer and closer. They nervously looked behind them and gulped. Up in the air was a small army of angry birds, affected by the poison joke seeds, who were eyeing at them with one intention: revenge.
“Princess Luna...” whispered Twilight, slowly stepping back.
“Yes?”
“... run.”
Twilight and Luna galloped just as the flock dived, their screeches echoing across the entire garden. The two ponies attempted to lose them by weaving through the trees, but the birds easily kept up. Struggling to keep up her pace, Twilight shouted, “Split up! Maybe we can confuse them!”
Luna nodded and quickly ran left while Twilight went right. Luna turned around to see if their plan succeeded. To her horror, the entire flock changed their focus on her alone. Okay, maybe testing the seeds on the other birds wasn’t a good idea! she thought, running as fast as she could, the colorful bird army right behind her.
Luna started to feel the stamina in her legs wane, so she prepared her wings for lift off. When she tried to flap her wings, it felt like she was moving an entire dragon’s horde. Determined, she clenched her teeth and flapped with all her might. Despite the magical weight, she managed to fly a few feet in the air.
The birds weren’t going to let her get off easy, though, as a few of them flew ahead and intercept her. They began to peck at her from all sides, from her head to her flank. She whipped her tail and hooves back and forth in an effort to shoo them away, but they were resilient.
Charging her horn, Princess Luna prepared to teleport herself to safety, but all she got was a small spark from the tip. No magic. No wings. And I’m getting attacked all over! Can this get any worse!
As if on cue, a green and yellow striped robin managed to land on her face and start pecking her forehead. Her vision blocked, Luna flew around blind as she struggled to shake the bird off. When the robin finally flew away, Luna’s eyes widened upon seeing a tree right in front of her. She tried to slow down, but it was too late. Smacking face first into the wood, the dazed princess slowly pulled herself off, bounced off a few branches, and crashed into the earth.
Groaning, Princess Luna tried to get up, only to feel something smash against the top of her head. A yellow, thick yet sticky substance began to ooze down her mane and pelt. Luna licked some of it off her nose.
“Honey?” She looked around and saw the remains of honeycombs around her. Wait… if this is honey… and those are combs… then that mean s ...
A loud series of buzzes echoed above Luna’s head as she fearfully looked up...
***
On the other side of the gardens, Groundskeeper Greenhooves was busy raking up all the leaves while whistling his favorite tune. It wasn’t easy taking care of the royal gardens, but it was a job he loved and felt honored to do. As he finished up raking the pile, he scratched his head. Now I’ve watered the plants. Fed the monkeys. Made sure the fox dens were clean. There’s something I’m missing...
“BEES!” shouted a voice so loud it spooked Greenhooves into jumping into his leaf pile. The leaves scattered all over the ground as the old stallion struggled to make sense of what had just happened.
A thought occurred to him and he smiled. That’s right! Get honey from the bees! Thanks, voices in my head! You always tell me what to do!
He took his rake and went back to cleaning up the leaves again.
***
Having now angered an entire swarm of bees, Luna began to wonder if some cosmic force hated her. A few of them managed to sting her before she ran, giving her colorful coat some bright red welts. Her wings were completely useless thanks to the honey sticking them to her back. Her magic wasn’t working thanks to her tiny horn. And to make matters worse, the birds soon returned to the fray as well.
With both the birds and the bees right behind her tail, Princess Luna only prayed she would be coming out of this mess in one piece. She had just turned around again to see how far she was from the flying swarms when she felt her hooves trip over a root. Rolling around in the dirt, she came to a stop after bumping into something furry. As she struggled to get up, she felt warm water splatter down on her mane. Looking up, she saw two big, brown, furry legs. Luna whimpered. Life can’t be this cruel, can it?
She glanced up further and saw, standing on its hind legs, a big brown bear, with nearly a dozen of its comrades behind it. They took one look at Luna’s honey-covered body and licked their lips greedily. Luna, wasting no time, jumped to her hooves and ran away screaming. The bears rushed after her, roaring as they followed the sweet smell of honey.
Why do we even have bears in these gardens?! questioned Luna as she ran for her life from three sets of animals who wanted to maul her. She galloped through flowers, bushes and more, collecting leaves, dead branches and debris that stuck to her honey-covered coat.
At last, she saw the garden’s exit and rushed through it, but the beasts still followed her. Up ahead, she recognized the windows of the inner palace and jumped forward with all her remaining strength.
***
“... and that’s why, for the sake of our children, we should limit the amount of information our schools teach about The Great Breezie Ethnic Cleansing of 1657,” finished an academically dressed unicorn.
It was soon time for Day Court to end, and Princess Celestia was relieved that this was the last pony. Unfortunately, he was one of those types that wasted her time explaining his request in plentiful details and informational charts instead of just saying it. She glanced around the room and saw that the ministers, guards, and the rest of her waiting audience were just as bored as she was. A few of of her guards were even snoring as they stood up.
It won’t be Changelings that will take over this city’s guard, but long, boring speeches… thought Celestia with a yawn.I just wish something exciting would happen once and awhile.
Seeing the pony was finished, Celestia cleared her throat. “Well, I see your opinion, sir. And after some careful thought I’ve decided that—”
Her speech was interrupted when a figure crashed through one of the windows. The guards immediately woke up and drew their weapons while everypony else gasped. Princess Celestia rose off the throne, stunned by what she saw. Everypony stepped back as they stared at the intruder, horrified by its strange appearance. It was a large, multi-colored creature oozing with yellow slime and growing trees out of its body. It almost looked like a pony, but Celestia had never seen anything like it in all the years she lived. It rose to its feet, moaning and stumbling around, its yellow ooze dripping everywhere.
Everypony screamed and began to run away from the creature. Somepony cried out, “Everypony run! It’s some kind of evil nature demon! Here to suck out our brains and turn us into living vegetables so its kind can feast on us!”
The creature stepped forward and raised one of its legs. “No, wait, I’m UGH!”
One of the guards managed to quickly snap out of his stupor and attack the monster with the blunt end of his spear. The creature went down for the count, a large red bump decorating its head. Everypony held their breath as the creature moaned, struggling to get on all fours. The guard raised his spear in triumph. “Take that you demonic nature powered abomination!”
Princess Celestia, however, recognized the voice and gasped, “No! Wait! That’s my—”
For the second time in a short time period, she was interrupted. This time the remaining windows were smashed as birds, bees, and bears all stormed the palace. The room erupted into chaos as Princess Celestia sat back on the throne, her confused and stupefied face looking over her once quiet throne room. She had asked for excitement, but this was too much.
Birds swooped down and attacked, ripping off wigs from the high class ponies while tearing up their suits and dresses. Others had the unfortunate fate of having white surprises land on their groomed fur. The swarms of bees stung anypony they could get their stingers on. Welts and sting marks appeared by the dozens, followed by cries of pain. The bears knocked over furniture, statues, and paintings while guards tried to push them back. Their angry roars were almost as loud as the screams her subjects.
“Where did they all come from?!”
“Somepony get an exterminator!”
“3rd Squad! Form up on me! Push these overgrown teddy bears back!”
“My dress is ruined!”
“The demon has summoned its army to destroy us all! Nopony is safe! All is doomed! Flee for your pathetic miserable lives!”
“I want my mommy!”
Finally, Celestia could take no more. “ENOUGH!”
Her horn glowed as bright as the sun she commanded. Every one of the animals soon froze; a white energy cone surrounded them. In a flash, they were gone and sent back to the gardens from whence they came. As the other ponies tried to get back on their hooves and make sense of what had happened, Princess Celestia rushed over to her sister and helped her up.
As she held Luna in her hooves, Princess Celestia asked, “Luna?! What happened?!”
With a weak moan, Luna raised her head and whispered, “The wrath of nature, Celestia… the wrath of nature…”
***
It had taken three bubble baths, but Luna finally managed to get clean and rid herself of the poison joke she digested. She was just lucky that Twilight Sparkle had managed to find a copy of Supernaturals in the palace library. Celestia was, of course, demanding answers, but Luna simply said that it a series of unfortunate events, which wasn’t a complete lie.
Now back in her room, Luna winced as Twilight put the last of the bandages on her sore body. Putting away the first-aid kid, Twilight scolded, “You really have nopony but yourself to blame for this.”
Princess Luna huffed and jumped off the bed. She raised her hoof and declared, “It doesn’t matter. I may have failed in my attempts to prank Philomena today! But that doesn’t mean I can’t try tomorrow!”
Twilight shook her head. “Whatever you say, Princess Luna.”
Luna took off her regalia and tossed the priceless jewelry onto the floor, proceeding to her desk. “Well, it’s a good thing I still have those… other… two potions?”
Luna snapped her head back and forth, searching every corner of her desk both on top and underneath. “Where is it? Where is it?!”
“Where’s what?” asked Twilight, walking towards the princess.
“The box containing the other potions! I put them right here!” shouted Luna. Her hoof connected to her forehead. “One of the maids must have taken it and put it somewhere while they were cleaning. Or worse, they put it in the castle’s potions and ingredients room.”
Twilight put her hoof on Luna’s shoulder. “Well, let’s not worry about it now. You’re tired, you’ve had a bad day—”
“That’s putting it mildly…”
“—and really, so what if you didn’t get your prank today,” said Twilight. “Maybe this is a sign saying you should cease this and just make up with Philomena normally.”
Luna didn’t answer at first. Lowering her head, she whispered, “Do you really think so?”
Twilight smiled. “Absolutely! Why don’t you sleep on it and we’ll talk about it more in the morning.”
“Alright, I guess I could use some sleep. But how about a drink first?” asked Princess Luna, walking over to a cabinet. She opened it, revealing that it was filled with bottles of expensive taste. “I always enjoy a good drink before I raise the moon. Hmm?” Luna spotted something in the corner. It was a red and orange bottle she didn’t remember having. On it was a blank envelope. She shrugged and took the bottle and two glasses before settling on the bed with Twilight.
“What’s that?” asked Twilight, pointing to the bottle.
“I don’t know. Maybe it’s from a fan or my sister. She sometimes likes to surprise me with interesting wines and ciders,” said Luna, popping the cork and pouring the cool light blue drink into two glasses. They toasted and drank the sweet, tasty drink. “Ooh, frosty. Kind of familiar though.”
“Now that you mention it… it feels like I’ve had this before,” mumbled Twilight, as she scratched her horn.
The two of them took two more drinks, feeling more relaxed with each glass. However, Twilight still kept scratching her horn like crazy. Luna looked at her, concerned. “Are you alright?”
“I don’t know… my horn is just so… itchy!” Twilight continued starching her horn with both hooves.
“Well, I have to raise the moon. Would you care to join me?” asked Luna, walking over to her balcony. Twilight nodded and accompanied her.
Facing the sky, Luna closed her eyes and felt her precious moon in her grasp. Her horn shined like a star as she floated in the air, the wind kicking around her. The sun soon faded into the distance, the sky above changing its color from red to black. A minute later, Luna felt the full moon rise from its slumber and take its rightful place in the sky. She heard a gasp from Twilight and smiled. Obviously, she’s impressed.
When she was finished, Luna turned back towards Twilight. “Well, now that that is done. Shall… we find… um… Twilight? Why are you making such a face?” Twilight didn’t answer. She was too busy staring into the sky with her jaw so open, Luna could have sworn it was ready to drop to the floor. Her eyes as wide as can be with pupils so small you would need a microscope to see them.
“Twilight?” Luna waved her hooves in front of Twilight’s eyes for a reaction, but she was still staring behind the night princess. Luna was about to ask what was wrong when she noticed Twilight’s horn and gasped. “Twilight, your horn!”
This managed to wake Twilight from her stupor. She nervously felt for her horn only to shriek. “Oh, no! I need a mirror!”
They rushed back inside, where Twilight summoned a small mirror and gasped. Her horn was flimsy, wobbly, and covered in blue spots. “Not again! How did this happen?! I never touched poison… joke…”
In synchronization, the two ponies turned to their cups and the mysterious wine bottle. Horrified, the two began to realize where the two missing potions went as Luna wrapped her hooves around her throat. “Oh, socks. I drank it too! Do I look like a kindergarten finger painting again?!”
“Um, I think the potion worked a bit… differently on you this time, Princess Luna, “ said Twilight, nervously pointing to the balcony.
Luna’s eyes widen. “No...” She rushed over to her window and looked outside to see what had become of her precious moon. “No! No! No!” Stepping back in horror, Luna started to stutter, eyes twitching as her body cramped up. “But… that… how… is that even… impossible… that’s… joke… magic… love… clouds… in… why… I don’t….” She turned to Twilight and tried to say something, but all that came out was a whimper.
Meanwhile, Twilight took the envelope attached to the bottle and opened it. What came out immediately turned all of Luna’s confusion and despair into boiling rage. In Twilight’s hooves was a red and orange feather.
“PHILOMENA!”
***
It had been quite a stressful day at Rarity’s boutique. Sweet sixteen dresses, tuxedos and a wedding gown for a newly engaged couple, and then there was that strange but handsome Doctor accompanied by Derpy. He spent at least an hour trying on ridiculous clothes ’til he found the right set; he seemed to have a thing for question marks. Whoever he was, Derpy certainly got herself quite a stud.
Now all she wanted to do was sit on her sofa, read a good romance story, and sip some tea as the night moved on. Unfortunately, fate wasn’t on her side that night, as her door slammed open, causing her to spill tea onto her book. She was ready to give the intruder a piece of her mind, until she saw who it was.
“Pinkie Pie! What are you doing in my house?! And… what in heaven’s name are you wearing?! What the hay did you do to your mane?!” shrieked Rarity in horror.
Pinkie’s mane was no longer it’s normal pouffy style, but had been turned a hideous ball shaped look. In the part of her mind where she kept a mental file system of horrible mane styles, Rarity managed to remember the name of the hideous look: afro. But that wasn’t the worst. Pinkie was wearing a white jacket with an attached black vest, along with white pants that almost seemed too big for her. All her horrid clothes were sparkling and she had a golden letter chain that spelled ‘Party’ wrapped around her neck.
“Oh, Rarity! You have to come outside! The most amazing spectacular thing has happened! I’ve done some surprises before, but Princess Luna really has outshined even me! I never saw this coming!” shouted Pinkie, jumping up and down.
“What are you talking about?” asked Rarity, worriedly eyeing her friend.
“Come outside and see!” Pinkie grabbed Rarity by the hooves and dragged her outside.
What Rarity saw only made her wonder if Discord had come back. Everypony was out dressed just as ridiculously as Pinkie Pie, as upbeat and funky music played across the town from various speakers. As the music played, everypony danced the strangest moves Rarity had ever seen.
Rarity rubbed her eyes to make sure this insanity wasn’t a dream. It seemed everpony had just decided to get down and act crazy. Lyra was standing on her back legs, throwing one hoof up in the air before retreating it to her side over and over again. Rainbow Dash and Thunderlane were doing quite an interesting synchronized dance routine. Even Cheerliee, who was always calm and collected, was running around, shaking her plot in front of everypony and screaming “It’s back!” and “It really can never die!”
“Pinkie, what madness is this?!” cried out Rarity.
“Look up, silly,” said Pinkie as she went to join the rest of the townsfolk.
Rarity did look up. She gasped. Instead of the moon, there was a giant, rotating disco ball for the entire world to see.
That night would be forever known as “Luna’s World Disco Party”.
Palace Perils
By The Rated Ponystar
Formerly Edited by Fernin and tayman2037
Still Edited by Clavier and Adjudicator
***
There were times when Princess Celestia wondered if being a princess was worth it. Dealing with snobby nobles, taking part in pointless traditions, and always having to act like you were perfect all the time was a drag. But nothing compared to the bane of existence all rulers had to deal with on a constant basis: paperwork.
Sipping her tea, Celestia lazily looked over the latest reports from a their mountain stacked pile. They were all focused on what happened last night as well as the reactions from her ponies. Another request for a second night of disco. Demands that her sister be reprimanded for creating public unrest. Another report of a cult worshiping the true ruler of Equestria, “Fever Moon ”, who shall make the disco last forever. By Faust, sometimes my subjects, as much as I love them, really need to get a grip on life.
Admittedly, she was a bit worried when she saw the moon replaced with a giant disco ball—which caused her to quickly check on a certain still-stone draconequus—but she relaxed when her student told her what had happened. The rest of the night was spent rounding up the guards and helping them restore order. She had passed through numerous different disco parties as well as mobs of panic which took forever to calm down. As amusing it had been at first, the entire process took all night, leaving her little sleep.
Fighting to keep her baggy eyes open, she continued to look at the reports. It seemed that all around Equestria there were similar incidents. Ponies dressing in ridiculous clothing that she herself shivered at the mere thought of. Music that, while having a nice beat, featured some of the worst lyrics that were ever spoken. Not to mention that it was was played endlessly throughout the night, causing some complaints. And the dancing. By Faust the dancing.
She briefly wondered if it would be wrong to cast the world memory wipe spell.
Thankfully, she managed to lower the moon when she learned her sister was in too much distress to do so. Celestia could hardly blame her. The sun and moon were precious to them, almost as important as a limb. If something happened to her and her sun—Celestia sniffed her tea and scanned it with her magic just in case a certain phoenix wanted to prank another alicorn. Putting the reports away for now, she grabbed a muffin before glancing towards the empty seat across from her. She had sent for Luna to come for their usual breakfast time, but still no word.
Where is she? mused Celestia as she took a bite of the baked good. I know last night was bad, but she can’t still be this upset over it.
A knock on the door snapped her out of her thoughts. “You may enter.”
One of Luna’s Night Guards entered and bowed. “Um, Corporal Helm Breaker, ma’am. You requested Princess Luna to join you for breakfast?”
Celestia raised one of her eyebrows and slowly nodded. “I believe I did ask, yes. Is there a problem?” She watched the nervous guard look away and rub the back of his helmet. Already she could tell this wasn’t going to be good. As if I didn’t have enough going on already...
“Well... there might be a problem with that. Princess Luna has locked herself inside her room... again. My partner, your student, and I are trying to convince her to come out, but we’ve had no luck,” explained Helm Breaker.
“I see...” said Celestia, rubbing her temple. “And just how stubborn is my little sister behaving exactly?” Helm Breaker opened his mouth a few times, but closed them. He rubbed his chin, trying to find the right words to say without giving insult. Celestia could feel a migraine coming. “Corporal, you’re free to use whatever words you see fit to answer.”
Helm Breaker stared at her for a bit, trying to judge what words to say. He sighed, stood straight up, and replied, “Honestly, your majesty? She’s acting worse than my sister when she found a zit on her face on prom night.”
Celestia stared at the guard for a while until her hoof met with her forehead. “Is it really like that?”
“Best way I can think of explaining it, your majesty,” answered Helm Breaker.
Sighing, Celestia ordered the guard to wait for her back at her sister’s room. Once he was clear, she put her teacup down and reached under the table with her magic, pulling out a flask. As she drunk the sweet taste of alcohol she thought, I picked a bad week to try and quit drinking.
***
“Come on, Princess Luna. You can’t stay locked inside forever!” shouted Twilight as she banged on the door. Normally, she would have used her horn—now straight and spot free again thanks to another bubble bath—to unlock it, but Luna had managed to seal her door with a powerful anti-magic ward. So for the past two hours she and the guards had been forced to use alternative methods.
“No! Go away! I refuse to come out for the rest of my life!” wailed Luna from inside. “Let Tia run the moon! A disgraced alicorn such as me deserves to fade away and never be mentioned again!”
“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad, Luna. Besides, I hear ponies had fun during Disco Night,” said Twilight with a smile.
“NEVER CALL MY PRECIOUS LITTLE NIGHT THAT EVER AGAIN!” The Royal Canterlot Voice managed to nearly stretch the door off its hinges, and blew Twilight off her hooves, slamming her against the wall. A few of the windows nearby managed to shatter into pieces while precious furniture rocked a bit before flipping over.
Struggling to get up, with assistance from Piercing Valor, Twilight shook her head; this was just as bad as dealing with Rarity on her off days. She turned towards Piercing Valor, hoping he had an idea, but he shook his head in disbelief at the princess’s behavior. Normally, she would agree with him, but since yesterday, Twilight was starting to rethink her opinions on how the rulers of Equestria actually behaved.
Their attention was soon focused on a returning Helm Breaker. “Princess Celestia’s on her way. How’s it going?”
“About as well as you can expect,” muttered Piercing Valor.
Helm Breaker made his way to the door before knocking. “Princess? Your sister is on her way to talk to you. Don’t you want to come out and greet her?”
“Tell her she can wait!” cried out Luna.
“For how long?”
“’Till time ends! Now go away! ”
Helm Breaker turned to the others and shrugged, but his partner wasn’t going to take any more. He stepped forward towards the door and stood tall, face stern like a rock. Taking a deep breath, Piercing Valor announced, “Listen to me, Princess Luna. We will not go away. You are a Diarch of Equestria and as such you must behave as one. Your sister has requested your presence and as your guard, it is my duty to make sure that this happens. Even if I must break down this door and drag you, kicking and screaming. Now I’m going to count to three!”
“One! Two! Thr—”
“Break down my door and I’ll transfer you to Detrot!” screamed Princess Luna.
That was all it took to make Piercing Valor lose his courage. Face frozen in terror, his voice died out in the middle of his third count as he stood as still as the statues in the royal gardens. Twilight and Helm gulped and shook their heads with pity. His bravado gone, the cowering guard retreated back and sat near a corner, every inch of his body shaking.
He continued to do this even as Princess Celestia arrived. Looking at the traumatized night guard, she turned to her student and asked, “Do I want know?” Twilight and Helm shook their heads. Celestia gave the poor stallion a sympathetic glance before focusing her attention at Luna’s door.
Celestia cleared her throat and retained the sweet, caring look she always gave ponies, although Twilight could tell it was a bit forced. Walking up to her sister’s door, Celestia knocked. “Luna? It’s me. Listen, I understand you’re embarrassed about what happened last night, but now’s not the time to be sitting in your room with the lights turned off and acting like your life is over.”
“How do you know?! Did you ever have your sun turn into a giant sparkling ball of shame?!” Everypony outside her door winced at the sound of something fragile, and probably expensive, crash in Luna’s room. “You might as well banish me to the moon forever, just to save me the humiliation I’ll get from the public!”
“Oh, come on, Luna. It was a bit funny if you really think about it,” giggled Celestia, but this only caused her sister to groan even more. “Some even thought it was amusing.”
“My moon isn’t supposed to be amusing! ” cried Luna in a high pitched voice. “It’s supposed to be regal! Mystical! Enchanting and full of wonder! Not some sort of symbol for ponies to shake their tails like those clubs in the red light district!”
Celestia’s was now glaring at the door, reminding Twilight of the time she got scolded for the Smarty Pants incident. “Luna Artemis Diana Beatrix Leah Olympia Faust, you will get out here and stop acting like a spoiled brat. You’re over one thousand eight hundred and sixty-four years old and you should be acting your age!”
“You can’t order me around! You’re not our mother!” cried out Luna, ending her statement with a raspberry.
“I’m your older sister, Lulu!” declared Celestia, turning red. “And I have to say, the way you are acting now is childish.”
Princess Luna gave out another raspberry, which only made Celestia growl. To the amazement of the three mortal ponies, she responded with a raspberry of her own. Twilight and the two guards stood in stunned silence as the most powerful, godlike beings of the world, wielders of the sun and moon, continued their childish retorts. Twilight could feel the last drops of her idealized image of the Canterlot Royal Sisters go down the drain. Helm Breaker seemed to be taking the entire thing in good spirits, struggling to hold his laughter back with his hooves to his muzzle. Piercing Valor was just shaking his head, mumbling, “Actually, Detrot sounds good about now.”
A few blows later, Celestia’s eyes widened, realizing how she was behaving. Coughing into her hoof, she regained her regal pose and growled, “Luna! Enough! This ridiculous behavior of yours has gone long en—”
To everypony’s surprise, Luna’s door slammed open. The night princess glared at her nervous sister, before a mischievous smile stretched across her muzzle. “Oh, I’m being ridiculous? Do I need to recall how many times a certain drama queen acted when we were growing up?”
“W–what are you talking about?” Sweat started to appear on Celestia’s brow. She tried to retain her posture, but her tail was twitching. “I... I admit I was sometimes a bit... eccentric when I was younger, but not as obnoxious as you are acting.”
“Oh, really? What about the time that griffin ambassador’s son you had a crush on said he just wanted to be friends? You rushed into your bed with a tub of ice cream and wailed all night.” Luna proceeded to put her hoof over head and squeak in a whiny voice. “Waaaahh! Oh, woe is me! My one true love doesn’t like me because I’m a fat, ugly whale! I should just stay here in my room for the rest of my life so nopony can see how hideous I am! I’m going to grow up to be a crazy cat lady and be alone forever! Boo hoo!”
Helm Breaker was no longer holding back his howling. Tears streamed down his eyes as his laughter echoed through the halls. Piercing Valor and Twilight glared at him to shut up, but they too found it hard to take the situation seriously. Princess Celestia was blushing, and looked absolutely livid. Her glare was so intense, it seemed like she was trying to set her sister on fire with her eyes alone.
“Oh, you want to talk about over-dramatic moments, huh?!” shouted Celestia, no longer holding back her anger. “Let’s talk about the time when you cried when Mom brought in that mascot of Benny the Purple Dragon for your birthday party! You ran away screaming and crying. You even tossed your birthday cake and presents at it while trying to run away!” Faking horror, Celestia put her hooves to her cheek and screamed, “Ah! Mommy! Save me! He’s going to eat me! I’m too cute and loud and annoying to be eaten! Ah! I’m scared! I think I peed myself! Save me!”
“S–shut up!” yelled a blushing Luna as Celestia laughed her tail off. “At least I didn’t complain like a brat when it came time to eat lima beans! You always whined and moaned about how disgusting they were! There was even that one time you threw the plate at one of the guards, and knocked him out. And when Mom punished you with no dessert for a week, you were crying and pouting like a baby. Stomping your hooves, telling mom you hated her. You even tried to sneak into the kitchen late at night and ended up getting caught!”
“I was going to the bathroom!” argued an equally blushing Celestia.
“Liar! You passed six of them on your way towards the kitchens!” retorted Luna.
The three bystanders continued to watch in fascination as the two sisters yelled at each like... well, sisters. Helm Breaker, grinning like a manic, leaned over to the other two and whispered, “This is the greatest thing I have ever seen in my life. Who knew the royal sisters were so... normal?”
“Well, at least I’m not obsessed with socks!”
“At least I have a hobby! You just sit around on your fat plot doing nothing but eating sweets!”
“I’ve lost weight, I’ll have you know! And while I may love sweets, at least I eat them with other ponies. I socialize unlike you Miss. Dark and Creepy!”
“At least I wasn’t still wetting bed when I was one-hundred and thirty!” revealed a smug Luna.
Princess Celestia’s jaw dropped, as did Twilight Sparkle’s and Piercing Valor’s. Helm Breaker had lost all control and was laughing louder than a hyena, all four of his legs kicking in the air. He was soon silenced, when Celestia’s mane turned into a blazing inferno like that of the sun she controlled. Her eyes shined pure white, and Luna’s smile instantly faded away. The pupils in her eyes shrunk as her tail curled up.
“YOU PROMISED TO NEVER TELL ANYPONY ABOUT THAT!” Celestia roared so loud, it made all three of the mortal ponies hug each other in fear. Her enraged voice echoed across Canterlot as ponies hid in their homes, foals cried, and insects and rodents who could feel the burning aura crawled into the darkest corners of the city. Even Discord’s statue managed to, beyond all possibility, sweat in terror.
Realizing that she may have bitten more than she could chew, Princess Luna gave a weak smile, “Um... I love you, big sister?”
“LOVE THIS!” Celestia reared back and shot her front hooves forward, slamming Luna back into her room. She charged inside, closing the door just as the palace began to shake like Canterlot’s mountain was about to erupt. The cries and shouts of the alicorn sisters filled the halls. Magic of the highest caliber could be felt in the air as ancient spells clashed against one another. Storms of shadows and flames of fire could be seen flickering out of the cracks of the door, which miraculously still stood despite the punishment it was taking.
Twilight almost wished she could see what sort of spells were being cast, but reminded herself that such knowledge was not worth getting between two angry, near-godlike beings. Vaporization didn’t sound like a pleasant end.
Finally, they heard one last explosion before Princess Celestia’s triumphantly cried out. “Victory is mine, sister!”
“Release me! Please, Celestia! I’m sorry!” begged Luna, sounding close to tears.
Princess Celestia only laughed “Release you, sister?! I’ll release you when you’ve received a proper attitude adjustment!”
The three held their breaths as they waited for Celestia’ wrath to strike her sister with great vengeance. Their imaginations went wild, each thinking of different punishments that nearly made them sick to their stomachs. The tension in the halls was so thick that minotaurs could have been doing pirouettes in front of everypony, and still it wouldn’t distract them.
SLAP!
The three winced by reflex, but soon raised their eyebrows as the slapping sound continued. They slowly separated and glanced at one another, each of them just as confused as the other. Luna was indeed screaming, but it sounded more like a painful “yipe” than anything else. Instead of sounds of bloodshed and burning flesh, it sounded as if Luna was getting—the thought quickly made Twilight’s mouth drop. It couldn’t be...
Twilight slowly turned her head towards the door, as Luna’s cries of pain continued in time with the slapping. Driven by her curiosity, Twilight pushed open the door, and found that Luna’s room looked like the birthplace of the apocalypse. When she and the guards looked inside, there eyes widen at what they saw.
Celestia, her normal mane restored, raised her hoof and shouted, “Feel the hoof of justice! ” She sent it down and struck Luna’s hindquarters, while holding a tight grip around her sister’s waist despite her attempts to flee.
“Ow! You can’t do this to me! Ow! This is degrading! Ow! Abuse of power! I call for a revolution! Ow! ”
The audience continued to watch the ongoing assault on Princess Luna’s flank for a while, until Piercing Valor threw up his hooves. “That’s it! I give up. I can’t take this. I’m going to take my vacation time now, go to the nearest bar, get drunk, and forget this all ever happened.”
“Same, but only if you’re buying,” said Helm Breaker, following his partner down the hall.
Twilight watched the two guards leave, before returning her focus to the... scene in front of her. Finally the spanking stopped as Celestia, gave a sinister smile and asked sweetly, “Who’s the big sister?”
“You are...” whined Luna.
“And who’s the little sister?”
“I am...”
“And don’t you forget it!” shouted Celestia, tossing her sister into the bed. She walked outside, her mane frazzled and pelt covered in soot and burn marks.
Looking at her broken student, who was still trying to process what had just happened, she gave a nervous smile. “Um, Twilight. Be a dear and stay with Luna for a while? I’m... going to go for a walk.”
With what little dignity she had left, Princess Celestia walked off as if nothing had gone wrong in the last ten minutes. Twilight just stared at her retreating form for a few seconds, before hesitantly entering Princess Luna’s room, where its owner was rubbing her red hide.
Twilight got a death glare the moment she entered. Princess Luna growled, “Tell anypony you saw this and I’ll throw you into a black hole.”
“My lips are sealed,” promised Twilight.
Princess Luna nodded before falling onto her back, her mane covering her face like a blanket. “This is the worst week I’ve ever had! All thanks to that bird who I can even prank just once! Not only did she avoid my poison joke, but she managed to take my spare ones and use them on me!”
“Well, you’re not the only one who got pranked...” muttered Twilight as she rubbed her poison-joke-free horn.
Rolling to her side, Luna hunched up and shook with rage. “If only I could get that bird! One prank! That’s all I want! I don’t care how many failures I go through! I just want to get Philomena just once!”
Twilight looked at her with sympathy before her eyes beamed with resolve. She placed her hoof on Luna’s back. “Don’t worry, Luna. We’re going to get back at her. You’re not the only one who got pranked this time. Nopony ever messes with Twilight Sparkle’s magic and gets away with it.”
“You... you mean that? Even though I blackmailed you into helping me?” asked Luna, sitting back up.
Twilight nodded. “Of course. I’m your friend and I promised to help you. Just make sure to never look at my private stuff again, and we’ll call it even.”
For the first time in a long week, a true smile appeared on Luna’s face. She wrapped her forelegs around Twilight and nuzzled her. Breaking away, she pounded her forehooves into each other and grinned. “Alright, so what’s the plan? How shall we strike at the phoenix?!”
“Well it’s unfortunate, but I don’t have much experience in pranking, nor have I studied the subject much,” confessed Twilight as she rubbed her chin. A mischievous smirk soon spread across her muzzle. “But I know two ponies who do.”
***
In mere hours, the pair was in Ponyville.
Since a princess would attract too much attention, Luna had opted for a disguise, using her research into ‘modern customs’. This included a backwards jersey, shades, a baseball cap, and numerous amounts of hoof rings and golden chains. Twilight pointed out that this would only make Luna more noticed, but her worries were rebuffed. When they entered town, Luna immediately went into action, claiming that she not only had to look the part, but act the part too.
“Yo yo my fellow brotha’s and sista’s in the hood! It’s uh nice day ta be out an’ ’bout isn’t it? Please pay no attention ta me an’ allow me an’ muh sista from anotha motha ta cruise right on through Ponyville. Werd?!” announced Luna as she followed an embarrassed Twilight from behind.
Ponies stared at the duo before quickly heading into their homes. They locked their doors and closed their curtains, leaving them alone in the deserted street. Princess Luna lifted her chin and smiled. “See, Twilight? I told you my disguise would make ponies leave us be. Now we have nothing to worry about.”
Twilight opened her mouth to say something, but closed it, seeing it pointless. Halfway down the street, she spotted Applejack walking towards her. “Howdy there, Twilight. How ya... um...” Applejack turned towards a grinning Luna who was posing with her forelegs crossed over her chest. “Um... Twilight? Who’s yer friend?”
“This is um... my cousin...” lied Twilight. “My distant... cousin...”
Luna nodded her head. “Yo wut’s goin’ on, homegirl? Ah'm da bomb Moonshine and an' ah'm here chilling in Ponyville wif muh cuz, Twilight. Can ya dig dat, sucka? What 'chew thinkin', girl?”
Applejack only raised her eyebrows and tilted her head. “Uh, pardon?”
“Werd up an’ relax, dog. Ah'm just havinuh tight tyme in dis here happenin' town. Ya know? Just looking fo' two assistants ta hep me out wif uh problem back in mah kick flank crib. So nahh worries, sista an’ brace the love!” said Luna, holding her arms out for a hug.
Applejack only backed away and nervously tipped her hat. “Well, it was nice meetin’ ya. Ah... uh... ah gotta get home and tend to the apples... bye!”
She rushed off a second later, faster than Twilight had ever seen her gallop. Luna gave out a "hmm" and asked, “Did I say the wrong word? Maybe I should have said ‘hip-hoppin’ instead of ‘tight tyme’.”
“Maybe you should just stay quiet until we find Pinkie. Let’s go,” said Twilight, continuing forward. Luna shrugged and followed.
They soon arrived at the door of Sugarcube Corner and entered, the bell announcing their arrival. Mr. Cake was putting away the last of the blueberry flavored cupcakes when he heard them enter. Rising up to the counter, he greeted, “Welcome to Sugarcube Corner. How can I—AAAAH!” Mr. Cake quickly dived under the counter. “Sugarbear, we got a hoodlum! Take the babies and get out! I’ll cover you with the bat!”
“Wait, Mr. Cake!” cried out Twilight, as Mr. Cake rose up with a wooden bat in his mouth. “This is Princess Luna in disguise!” She quickly tore off all Luna’s clothes, much to the latter’s disappointment.
The bat dropped from the shocked store owner’s mouth as he quickly kneeled before them. “Princess Luna! I’m so sorry! I thought for a second you were... um...”
“ ’Tis alright, Mr. Cake. Please rise,” said Luna.
The kitchen door slammed open and out came Mrs. Cake, wearing a pair of boxing gloves on her front hooves. She punched a few times in the air. “Where are they! I may be past my prime, but I’m still a former three time golden hooves champion! Bring ‘em on! ”
“Honeybun, it’s okay,” assured Mr. Cake. “just a false alarm.”
“Oh, good,” said Mrs. Cake with a smile, ignoring the surprised looks Twilight and Luna were giving. “Mind coming into the kitchen with me, dear? I need your help with the chocolate chip muffins.” Mrs. Cake hummed to herself before proceeding to the kitchen. Mr. Cake excused himself and followed his wife.
Twilight proceeded to make her way up the stairs behind the counter. Turning to Luna, she said, “I’m going to see if Pinkie’s up in her room. Do you mind waiting here?”
“Oh course not. In fact, I think I shall help Mr. and Mrs. Cake. It would be nice to actually cook something for a chance. In fact, I’ve been eager in trying out a ‘microwave’,” said Princess Luna as she headed into the kitchens as well.
Shrugging her shoulders, Twilight made her way up the staircase. When she arrived at Pinkie Pie’s room door, she hesitated in opening it. You always had to expect the unexpected when it came to Pinkie Pie, especially when you entered her room. One minute it could be filled with hot chocolate and the next with snow, despite the temperature as hot as a desert. Taking a deep breath, Twilight slowly knocked on the door and waited.
When the door slowly began to open, she smiled. “Hi, Pinkie Pie. I was wonder if you could—” Twilight’s pupils shrunk as the door fully opened and she saw the barrel of a cannon aimed right at her head. Holy Celestia's undergarments!
The cannon fired and Twilight found herself splattered with yellow goo and confetti before her back made contact with the wall. Some of the goo managed to enter her mouth, her tastebuds identifying it as cake batter. She fell from the wall to the floor, her mind still bouncing around in her skull.
“Dang, Pinkie. I think you put too much in that one,” laughed Rainbow Dash walking out of the room
“Maybe. Do you think maybe less gunpowder could work?” asked Pinkie Pie, inspecting her canon.
“Worth a shot, maybe we could—hey is that Twilight?”
No sooner had Twilight heard that than she was lifted off, the ground and given a strong hug in the forearms of one excited Pinkie Pie. “Twilight! I’m so glad to see you! Did you come to help test my new Party Cannon 2.0?!”
Rainbow Dash put her hoof on Pinkie’s shoulder and said, “Easy, Pink’s. I think she may have been caught in the crossfire.”
She tapped Twilight’s head and asked, “Yo, Twilight? You alright? Say something?”
Eyes spinning, the brain damaged unicorn answered with a slur in her tone, “Pretty pretty is the magical horsey who drinks the sparkling sarsaparilla...”
“She sounds fine to me!” said Pinkie Pie, dropping Twilight on her haunches.
A second later, Twilight shook her head and rose to her hooves, wiping the cake batter from her eyes. She glared at the two pranksters who were holding back their laughter. Twilight began to shake most of the cake batter off, but Pinkie then took out her tongue and, much to the unicorn’s disgust, began to lick off the cake batter at high speed. Twilight didn’t know what she found worse: the fact that she was being covered in saliva, or the fact that Pinkie's tongue seemed to stretch to impossible lengths.
Then again, this was Pinkie Pie.
When the last of the batter was gone, Twilight quickly forced the event into the darkest part of her memory. She turned to the two and said, “Well, now that I am ‘somewhat clean’, your probably wondering why I’m here.”
“Not really, but go ahead,” said Rainbow Dash, leaning against the wall.
“Well, it’s a long story, so I’ll try to make it short. I’m sure you saw what happened to the moon last night?” asked Twilight.
“Are you kidding! That was the best night ever!” shouted Pinkie as she jumped up to the ceiling. “I really can’t believe Princess Luna did that! It was so much fun with the dancing and the eating and the staying alive. Maybe I should do something similar! Oh! I know! How about a techno party! We can have everypony doing the robot!” She then proceeded to enact the dance, earing a few chuckles from her friends
“I’ll admit I wasn’t too fond of the idea of a ‘disco party’, but hey, a good time is a good time. Wasn’t so bad,” said Rainbow Dash
Twilight nodded. “Well, the truth is, that wasn’t done on purpose. It was a prank.”
Mentioning the ‘P’ word got their attention immediately. Twilight quickly explained the prank war—even though it was one-sided at the moment—between Princess Luna and Philomena. Pinkie and Rainbow Dash were howling throughout the story, pounding their hooves against the floor. Needless to say, Twilight wasn’t amused, especially when she told them how she got pranked as well.
“Anyway, the point is, since neither Princess Luna nor I really know how to pull pranks, I figured you two could help us get back at Philomena once and for all,” finished Twilight.
Her two friends got up and looked at each other with mischievous grins. Dash strutted forward and said, “I’ll admit, Philomena sounds like quite the challenge. But why should the two of us use our awesome knowledge of pranks and jokes to help you and Princess Luna?”
“We might be able to do it for something special,” said Pinkie Pie with a grin equal to her pranking partner’s. “Perhaps a favor for a favor?”
Twilight sighed and lowered her head. “What do you want?”
A second later, Rainbow Dash eyes were beaming with excitement as a little drool fell onto her hoof. “I want season VIP passes to the Wonderbolts Arena. And not the kind of lame VIP ones that just gives you good boxes, I want the ones where you can go around their HQ and training center!”
Typical Rainbow Dash. Should have seen that one coming , thought Twilight. She turned to Pinkie Pie and waited for her request.
“Oh my request is easy. I want the Gala,” said Pinkie in a sweet tone.
Twilight nearly took a step back. “You want to go to the Gala?! Pinkie, we all swore to never go again. Even Fluttershy took her invitation when we got invited a second time and burned it, cackling madly.”
“Oh, I don’t want to go to the Gala. I want to make the Gala.” Pinkie frowned. Her eyes sharpened as she jumped onto her cannon. Raised her hoof dramatically into the air, she proclaimed, “The Gala has been called the worst party in Equestria, and rightfully so. No sugary sweets, no exciting dancing, not even a single conga line or piñata! That is why I, Pinkie Pie, will take control of the Gala and throw off its nasty curse of being a terrible party for a bunch of snooty ponies and make it a grand fiesta for everypony to enjoy! There will be dancing, eating, drinking until you pass out and wake up to find yourself in bed with that one pony you were eyeing across the room. And I shall bring that to them. It is. My. Destiny! ”
A small barrage of fireworks and party poppers erupted behind her and a large poster unrolled from above, proudly showing “Pinkie Pie! Party Maker of Destiny!” in bright red. Twilight and Rainbow Dash just watch the display with raised eyebrows.
“How does she prepare for all this?” whispered Twilight.
“Don’t know, but I gotta find out how. This kind of stuff would do wonders for my performances,” whispered Rainbow Dash.
When the last popper was popped, Twilight said, “Okay, Pinkie. I’ll see if Princess Luna can put you in charge of the Grand Galloping Gala this year.”
“And? ”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “And I’ll see about your VIP passes, Dash.”
Rainbow Dash pumped her hoof in the air. “Alright then, Twilight, you got a deal!”
Turning to Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash said, “Pinkie, go get Pranking Kit number two three seven.”
Pinkie gasped, her pupils shrinking in shock. “But Dash! We’re suppose to save that for when Rarity gets married!”
“Two three seven! Not two four seven!” shouted Rainbow Dash.
“Oh, that makes more sense. Wait here!” Pinkie Pie hopped back into her room, humming to herself.
Twilight glared at a nervous and sweating Dash. “Rarity’s wedding day?”
“You’ll find out when it comes,” answered Dash, forcing her eyes to look elsewhere.
Pinkie Pie soon came back with a heavy, black suitcase. She put it on the ground and opened it, revealing a paintball gun and three containers of different colored paintballs. Twilight levitated the gun and examined it. “I don’t get it. It looks just like a normal paintball gun. What’s the prank?”
Pinkie Pie shook her head as she took the gun back and loaded it up with a few yellow paintballs. “Silly Twily. The paintballs are the real prize. Each of them is a different set of funny results when you hit somepony with them. Allow me to demonstrate.” Pinkie walked up to one of the windows and pushed it open. She rested her elbows on the windowsill and took aim.
***
Big Macintosh was carrying a crate of apples on his back. For some reason, his sister decided to stay home, saying she had met the strangest pony ever. Still, the apples had to be delivered and a job was a job.
He was about to turn the corner when he felt something hit him in the flank. He turned around and tried to see if anypony was there, but nothing was there. Must have been a fly.
Just as he was about to press on, Big Macintosh felt and itch where he was hit and scratched it. It continued to get itchy, and Macintosh tried harder to rid himself of it. Soon the itch crawled up to his back, then to his hooves, and pretty soon the big red stallion was jumping up and down like crazy. His hooves darted everywhere, trying to stop the insane amount of itching. It was like the time he slept too near a red ant colony
He pressed his rear against the stone street and used his back hooves to push himself forward, hoping to rid himself of the itching. It didn’t work, and soon charged towards a prickle bush, diving in and scratching himself all over with the sharp thorns, but still no luck. With a frustrated cry, the normally stoic stallion ran all the way home, scratching every part of his body from his head to his butt with anything sharp. Needless to say, a few ponies raise their eyebrows.
***
“I see, itching powder,” commented Twilight.
“Yup. Don’t worry though, it’ll only last an hour. All the paintballs do,” said Pinkie as she loaded up the blue ones into her gun.
“Hey, let me get a shot! These were my idea anyway.” Dash took the gun and looked for a good target, until she saw a couple nearby enjoying a date. She grinned and fired.
***
Caramel and Wind Whistler were celebrating their eight month anniversary. The mare had always considered herself lucky when she met her coltfriend last Hearth’s Warming Eve. Sure, he was a bit of a klutz, and managed to find someway to screw up on his jobs, but he was always sweet and charming to her. The two of them were finishing their hay fries when Wind Whistler felt something hit her in the back of the neck. She instinctively pressed her hoof against it and saw that it was blue paint.
Before she could question anything, she heard her coltfriend gag and turn away looking green. Wind Whistler immediately went to his side and asked, “Caramel, is something wrong?”
“Stay back!” shouted Caramel as he pushed her away. He held his hooves to his nose and moaned. “Dear Celestia, did you even shower today?!”
“What?!” she shouted, outraged. Furious, she went to smack him upside the head, but he ran away, before vomiting in a nearby fern pot. Wind Whistler was shocked, and slowly sniffed herself, but found nothing wrong. She had showered before their date, so why was Caramel acting like she smelled worse than garbage. Maybe... maybe he doesn’t like me anymore?
Their waiter came over, worry on his face. “Is everything alrigh-UGH!” Just like her boyfriend, the waiter put his hooves to his snout and stuck out his tongue. “Madam! With the utmost possible respect, under the circumstances, I must suggest that you bathe before patronizing this establishment!!”
Apparently it wasn’t just him. Other customers around the restaurant were looking at her with disgust, and some were even fainting. Wind Whistler just looked around and wondered what the heck was going on.
***
“A stink ball?”
“Yup!” proclaimed Rainbow Dash, puffing her chest. “But it’s not just any stink bomb. It actually just increases your body order five times the amount you give. It’s also strong enough to block off all deodorants and soap.”
“Mind if I see?” asked Twilight.
“Sure, go ahead ahead,” said Dash as she loaded the gun with the red paintballs and handed it to Twilight.
Inspecting the design, Twilight put her hoof near the trigger and asked, “How exactly do these things work any—”
Her hoof pressed on the trigger and the gun fired a red paintball that nailed Rainbow Dash right in the forehead. Instead of paint this time, a white powdery substance spread around Dash. Although surprised for a second, she soon sighed, “Well... great...” A second later, Dash was on the floor, snoring.
“Uh... what did I just do?” asked Twilight, slowly putting the gun down.
“The red ones are sleep bombs. They release both a powder and paint that will put you out like a light if you inhale,” answered Pinkie, while using a marker to draw a few funny faces on Dash’s face. “So what do you think? We got a whole set of these. The four of us could easily take out Philomena with one of these practical jokes.”
Twilight had to admit, it was a sound idea. With a tactical plan and these pranking paintball guns, they had a good chance of getting back at Philomena. She was about to say something, when Pinkie started shaking in place with her ears flapping around. Her tail started to twirl around while her snout sniffled. Recognizing a Pinkie Sense Combo, Twilight quickly grabbed the paintball gun and looked around, fear in her eyes.
“What is it?! Is it a dragon?! An earthquake?! Philomena?! ” shouted Twilight.
“Oh, no. That combo means a giant food monster is going to be attacking Ponyville!” said Pinkie cheerfully.
“...wait, what?”
A large explosion rumbled from below as the entire house shook. Pinkie cheered as she was tossed around while Twilight did her best to hold on to something. The sound of walls crumbling were heard followed by a monstrous roar and large stomping. Twilight dragged herself towards the window and for the second time that day felt her mind shut down.
All logic had completely been kicked to the curb as a giant muffin with arms and legs went around town, flailing its new limbs while crying out in anger. Ponies fled in terror as houses were smashed. Pinkie Pie walked up to Twilight and whistled. “Wow, that’s doing a lot of damage. Good thing we all got that monster attack insurance policy after the parasprite incident."
Twilight pushed Pinkie away as she ran down the stairs and entered the kitchen, where she saw the Cakes and Luna stare in horror at the monster through the giant hole in their kitchen wall. Twilight rushed over and asked, “What the hay happened?”
Luna gulped as a blush covered her cheeks. “Um, I tried baking a muffin and... well, it didn’t turn out so well.” She winced as her creation ripped out a tree and started sucking on it like a lollipop.
“We have to do something before it destroys the entire town!” shouted Twilight, who looked ready to rush at it, horn blazing. She was suddenly grabbed by the tail from Pinkie Pie.
“Don’t worry, Twilight! I always know what to do in case something like this ever happens,” said Pinkie Pie, who trotted outside and pulled out a bullhorn from who knows where.
Turning the bullhorn on, Pinkie shouted, “Hey Derpy! We got a giant muffin monster in the middle of town and we need your help to get rid of it! ”
Twilight Sparkle’s hoof connected with her face. “Of all the ponies she calls for help, she calls Derpy? Why would she call her?! We’re going to need the royal guard or even an army to take care of this thi—”
“Here I come to save the day!” shouted a voice from above.
A large grey blur in the sky slammed into the monster and knocked it back. High above it was the infamous klutzy mailpony, whose crossed eyes were filled with hunger and determination. Diving downward, she shouted, “Muffins!”
She crashed into the monster, and a dust storm kicked up from the struggle between the two. Everypony held their breath as the sounds of the battle echoed across town. Everypony praying that the suicidal pegasus was alright and not being eaten. Only Pinkie Pie looked relaxed, as she ate from her popcorn bag.
Finally, the dust began to settle, and everypony’s mouth dropped at the sight of an unharmed Derpy, eating the remains of the monster. Taking another bite and moaning in delight, she looked around town and asked, “Anypony want some? The chocolate is really good.”
Pinkie happily bounced over for a bite as Princess Luna, Twilight, and the Cakes were left behind, stunned. After some silence, Princess Luna turned to Twilight and said, “Is it always this crazy in your town?”
Twilight sighed and shook her head, “You don’t know the half of it...”
“Hey, guys,” greeted Dash, walking outside with a yawn, not knowing her face was covered with doodles. “Did I miss something?”
Palace Perils
By The Rated Ponystar
Formerly Edited by Fernin and tayman2037
Still Edited by Clavier and Adjudicator
***
If Spike had a bit for every time the library got messed up from one incident or another, he’d buy Equestria and make it a law to banish library-mess-makers. Yet here he was, again, picking up books as always. “Seriously, Twilight should pay me for doing all this work. I mean, I know I get a daily allowance and all, but with all the insane things that go on in this town, I should be getting overtime. Right, Owlowiscious?”
“Hoo.”
“Me,” Spike pointed to himself.
“Hoo.”
“Spike. The assistant who’s better than you. No matter how many gold stars you have on the ‘best assistant of the day’ board.” He pointed to the board, displaying both of their names next to a row of golden star stickers. Spike’s line only held half as many as Owlowiscious’s line, much to the former’s displeasure.
“Hoo.”
“Are you going to do this every time I try to have a conversation with you!?” demanded Spike, giving the stoic owl the evil eye.
“Hoo.”
Spike groaned and slapped his forehead. “You really love annoying me, don’t you?”
“Yes.”
“You! Who else am I... wait...” Spike lifted his head, staring at the impassive owl. “Did... did you just say something else besides ‘hoo’?”
“Hoo.”
“You, Owlowiscious! And...” Spike stopped and shook his head. “I’m wasting my time.”
He went back to work, but stopped the moment he heard the front door slam open. Looking up, he saw a depressed Luna, a concerned Twilight, a bored Rainbow Dash, and a bouncing Pinkie Pie, all of whom passed him by without a second look. Spike grumbled to himself. “Don’t mind me, I’m just cleaning up the room and don’t need any help whatsoever.”
The four made their way towards the center where Princess Luna sighed and fell to her haunches. Twilight patted the princess’ back and gave a small, comforting smile. “Come on, Luna. It wasn’t… entirely your fault. All that monster did was just cause thousands in property damage...” Luna gave her a deadpan stare. “... and send a few ponies into serious psychological therapy for the next few months. You’d be surprised how often that happens around here.”
“Yeah,” seconded Rainbow Dash, placing her foreleg over Twilight’s shoulders. “Egghead here has been to the trauma center a few times since she arrived in Ponyville.”
“What for?” asked Luna, tilting her head. They nodded to Pinkie Pie, who waved hello. “Ah.”
“So don’t worry about it. This sort of thing happens all the time in Ponyville. Besides, it makes life more interesting,” said Rainbow Dash.
Princess Luna sighed. “I guess. I’m glad that Mr. and Mrs. Cake accepted my apology for ruining their shop.”
“Yup! And all it cost was a promise to never enter their store ever again and a teeny-weeny little restraining order barring you from entering any of the kitchens in Ponyville!” said Pinkie, cheerfully.
“I just hope the cookies I made for them before the muffin incident made up for it,” said Luna.
“Cookies?” asked three alerted voices.
***
Mr. Cake sighed as he wiped the last of the batter away. The muffin monster caused quite a bit of trouble, but at least it was over. Just as he was about to leave the kitchen and close shop, he spotted a tray of cookies by the edge of the counter. At first he thought they were leftovers from an earlier order, but upon closer inspection, he saw that this was a batch he didn’t recognize.
Did Cup Cake make these? Or did Pinkie? pondered Mr. Cake as he picked one up and sniffed it. The cinnamon and chocolate aroma made his mouth water. Well, whoever made them, it would be a shame to waste such good food.
Gasping at the sight of the suddenly sentient cookie, Mr. Cake stepped back as it glared at him. The cookie screamed, “At last, we live! Brothers and sisters of the Cookie Rebellion, the time has come to overthrow those that fed on us and rule the world! Arise!”
Mr. Cake watch in horror as the entire tray started to transform like the first one. They all stood up and shouted, “Revolution! Revolution! Revolution!!”
Mr. Cake gulped. “Uh! Honey?! I think we have a problem!”
***
“I’m sure everything is fine,” said Pinkie Pie, passing her hoof through the air. “So what’s our big, super plan to prank Philomena?! We got the gear! Now we need the execution!
“Oh yes, we will be doing an execution when all is said and done!” shouted Luna as she summoned Twilight’s chalk board. Picking up a piece of chalk, she cleared her throat. “Now listen up! ’Cause this is the plan…”
***Two Hours Later***
“... and that’s the plan!” finished Luna as she drew the last of her schematics. The entire board was now covered in white numbers and graphs that made it near impossible to see the remaining black. Wiping the sweat from her brow, she turned to her audience and smiled. “Any questions?
The baffled ponies just stared at Luna, unable to speak. Their faces reminded Luna of her own expression when she walked into her sister’s bedroom and saw Celestia... ‘negotiating’ with the dragon ambassador. Just the thought of it made her shiver.
This silence continued for a few minutes until Twilight clear her throat.“Princess Luna...this plan is so… ludicrous that it’s making my brain hurt just thinking about it. It features time travel, robots, ninjas, space stations,atomic weapons, underwater sea horses that can shoot lasers from their eyes, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, a dozen pickles, and a dragon that terrorizes a kingdom of little mushroom ponies whose own princess is has too many castles. It stops making sense before it starts!”
“Really? I understood it all,” said Pinkie Pie.
Twilight looked at her smiling friend with a raised eyebrow, unsure if she should be surprised or not. Rolling her eyes and magically shoved the blackboard away. “Let’s come up with a better idea. One that actually has a sense of logic in it.”
“Plan schman. We go in the castle, find Philomena, shoot her with the paintball guns, and laugh at her misery. She’ll be so embarrassed by our pranks, she’ll bury herself in the gardens just to avoid the shame,” said Rainbow Dash, slapping her hooves together.
Princess Luna gasped and slapped her forehead. “Gardens?! Oh, how could I forget! My sister’s garden party is tonight and she wants me to attend! What are we going to do about that?!”
“Maybe you can just tell Princess Celestia that you can’t make it?” suggested Twilight.
“Oh, please,” snorted Luna. “The way my sister and I are right now? If I go against her word again she’ll chop off my rump and hang it over her fireplace.” Slowly she gained a mischievous grin as a solution occurred to her. “Actually, going to that party might be a good idea.”
“Why? Because it’s gonna be fun?” asked Pinkie, snickering to herself. “Silly Pinkie, parties are always fun no matter who throws them.”
“Well, it’s obvious that my sister will not allow me to skip this party, but if I do go, then chances are I can drag Philomena out. She’ll be determined to embarrass me in front of everypony. But I’m willing to be the bait just so you girls can... what’s the word called? Scythe her from a distance?”
“You mean ‘snipe’ her from a distance,” corrected Twilight. “I guess we can try that. I know most of the garden grounds and the castle floors surrounding it.”
“Good thing I brought my sniper gear for just an occasion!” Pinkie Pie disappeared into another room for a second before reappearing a second later wearing a pair of shades, a brown combat vest, and a Stetson atop her fluffy pink mane. “Let’s have a go at it!”
Twilight’s shook her head at the antics before turning to Rainbow Dash. “Eh, I don’t care. As long as we just prank somepony already.”
“I guess we go with your plan, princess. But first...” Twilight turned to her bag and levitated four radio earpieces to the group. “These will allow us to communicate with each other over long distances.” She proceeded to then show them how they worked.
“Excellent!” shouted Luna as she faced her subjects, mane flowing dramatically in the air. “Then let us finally prank this phoenix once and for all! Tally ho!” she screamed as she ran out of the library.
“Hoo rah!” shouted Rainbow Dash, following suit.
“God save the queen!” yelled Pinkie, not to far behind.
“Wait for me!” cried out Twilight who closed the door on their way out.
Feeling left out, a disappointed Spike watched them leave as he turned to his fellow assistant. “Looks like it’s just you and me again, tonight.”
“Hoo.”
“You and me.”
“Hoo.”
Spike threw his arms up in the air. “Ugh, no! I’m not doing this again! I need some gems!”
Owlowiscious watched Spike stomp into the kitchen, mumbling to himself. When Spike was out of sight, he then broke his stone stilled face with a smirk. “Too easy.”
***
This was it. After months of preparation, Celestia was finally going to have her own personal party. It wasn’t going to be fancy, it wasn’t going to have politics involved, it wasn’t even some grand special event. Princess Celestia had been yearning for a chance to let her hair down and get rid of the ‘perfect princess’ persona she had to keep up nearly twenty-four-seven. And tonight she was free to get drunk, dance, and chat without any care.
All the food, servants, guards, and even entertainment—a young and rising DJ taught by the famous Vinyl Scratch—were all of her choosing with the assistance of Fancy Pants. And finally, but most importantly, she would be having guests she wanted to have, instead of those she had to have. Guests who were some of the few decent friends she had made this century. Ponies who didn’t care about prestige, but wanted to have fun. Not like those egotistical nobles she wanted to send to the sun every time they came to her and acted like they were old friends. Even an ageless alicorn could only take so much flank kissing.
Thankfully, I don’t have to deal with any of them this time, thought Celestia as she made her way across the gardens. It was a disappointment that she couldn’t have it in the throne room, thanks to a certain overactive sister of hers, but as long as everything went smoothly, they could have hosted it in the dungeons for all she cared. Pushing aside her thoughts, she made her way further into the gardens.
Her party assistant, Fancy Pants, noticed her and quickly gave his last orders to the caterers and bowed. “Ah, Princess Celestia. I’m so glad you’ve arrived.” He stood up and waved his hoof across the gardens. “Well? Is it not perfect?”
Celestia looked all around, her smile growing with each passing glance. Lights were hung on the trees and bushes, giving them an ethereal glow. Tables were covered from corner to corner with assorted snacks and drinks, not to mention cakes that made her mouth water. A few cushions were piled around each other for those wishing to sit and there were a few games being set up such as horseshoes and badminton. Even the DJ seemed to be doing well as he prepared his equipment, giving Celestia a wave when he spotted her staring at him.
“It’s amazing, Fancy Pants,” complemented Celestia. “I can’t think of anything else that would make it more perfect.”
Fancy Pants chuckled, his eyes hinting a secret. “I think you might rethink that statement when you see what I have prepared for you. A little gift for this occasion.” He addressed one of his assistants to get “it ” ready. Celestia and Fancy Pants made their way towards the center of the gardens, where they stood before a tall structure, covered in a brown sheet. With a simple pull, the cloak came off. Celestia gasped.
Towering above her was an enormous ice sculpture of herself. Every detail of the icy work of art was perfect, down to the littlest detail. Even the feathers of her wings looked like perfect copies. “It’s... amazing...”
“I agree, sister.” Celestia turned around and saw Luna looking at it, impressed by its artistry. “Perhaps we shall call this work of art, Princess Winteria.”
“Ah, Luna. I’m glad you finished lowering the moon,” greeted Celestia. “I wasn’t sure if you were going to come or not. Is everything okay?”
Before Luna could answer, a familiar caw alerted the two of a new presence. Philomena flew down from above and landed on Celestia’s shoulder, nuzzling her neck. As she did this, Luna forced a smile, teeth gritting as she said, “Sister, you didn’t tell me Philomena was going to be accompanying you during the party as well.”
“Oh, yes. I decided to bring Philomena along with me,” answered Celestia. She looked at her pet who was glaring at Luna before giving her another sweet smile. Raising her eyebrow, Celestia turned to her sister and asked, “I haven’t heard a single complaint about you two all day, so I can assume everything is alright between the two of you?”
Princess Luna and Philomena turned their focus on one another, neither standing down. The glare between them was so intense that onlookers could see the lightning arcing between their eyes. Celestia’s fears only worsened when she saw the two heated rivals soon forgo their anger and at one another. “Oh I’m far from getting any sort of vengeance against Philomena. In fact, I’ll go see if any of the staff need help. Ta ta,” said Luna as she left. Fancy Pants also excused himself, leaving Celestia and Philomena by.
Turning to her pet, she asked, “You’ll be nice to my sister of course, will you?” Philomena stood tall and placed one wing up for a “scout’s honor” look. “That’s a good girl.” Celestia nuzzled her feathery companion, not knowing that behind Philomena’s back, the other wing had it’s two front feathers crossed.
***
The party had just started and everypony was having a good time. Old friends chatted and some helped themselves to the refreshments. For Luna, however, this was a battlefield. Here she was at the mercy of a terrible creature who was not to be underestimated. The only problem is that I can’t seem to find her!
She scanned the area, politely nodding to a few ponies who addressed her, but found no sign of the phoenix. The listening device then turned on and she winced at the static. It soon softened enough for her to listen to Twilight. “Princess Luna, do you read me?”
“Yes, Twilight. I do. No sign of Philomena yet, anything from your end?”
“I’m up on the second floor of the castle, looking at you through a window. I don’t see her near you. Rainbow Dash?”
“I got nothing here in the air.” said Rainbow Dash. Luna looked up and saw a single lone cloud floating above the party. Narrowing her eyes, she could see a familiar rainbow colored tail poking out. “What about you, Pinkie? You spot the bird yet on the ground floor?”
“Negative, Prism Angel. No sign of target. Keeping it Oscar Mike though,” said Pinkie Pie, her tone strict and firm. “Purple Nurple and Starry Mane, this is Cupcake Carver. Do you copy my last, over?”
Luna tried to hold back a chuckle as Twilight angrily responded, “First off, Pinkie Pie, stop using military jargon and codenames. Second, Purple Nurple?”
“It’s funny ’cause it rhymes!”
“...whatever. Anyway, Luna, just interact with the guests and stay inconspicuous for now,” suggested Twilight.
Luna sighed and looked around, trying to keep her cover by finding a group of ponies to talk to. She walked towards one group, which was centered around a young pegasus stallion who had been receiving their complete attention as he spoke. Figuring this was as good a chance as any, Luna walked over and overhead him finishing, “... and that’s the whole story.”
He looked at her in disbelief. “You enjoyed hearing about how my daughter’s been depressed because our dog got run over by a wild carriage?”
Luna blinked. “Uhh... sorry for your loss?” Open mouth, insert hoof.
The crowd turned away, disgusted at Luna’s faux pas. Gritting her teeth, she walked over to a nearby snack table. Pushing some of the snacks away, she proceeded to bang her head against the wood, much to the confusion of those watching.
“Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!”
“Squawk.”
Luna lifted her head up, noticing a smirking Philomena right in front of her. Her first instinct was to strangle the bird, but remembering the plan, only gave a polite smile. “Oh, Philomena. I’m so happy to see you, right in front of me .”
Her plan worked, as Twilight soon replied, “Girls! Philomena’s right in front of Princess Luna! I’m moving to a different window, anypony else got a shot?”
“Sorry, Twi. I don’t have it,” answered Rainbow Dash.
“And I’m on the other side of the party!” alerted Pinkie Pie.
“So it’s up to me then. Princess, keep Philomena hovering still.”
Hoping that Twilight would arrive at her destination soon, Luna continued to fake her behavior at her arch-enemy. “So Philomena. I hope you have no plans to do anything that would ruin my sister’s party. She’s worked on this for so long that it would be a terrible thing to waste it.”
Philomena responded by placing her wing over her heart and shook her head.
“That’s good,” said Luna. “Despite our... disagreements, we both care about Celestia. We shouldn’t be giving her such headaches with childish arguments”
“I’m almost there!” announced Twilight, huffing as the sound of her hooves clopping against the floor echoed from the microphone.
Luna noticed out of the corner of her eye some punch and poured two glasses. She handed one over to Philomena and gave a toast. “To my sister, whom we both care for.”
For a second, Luna saw rage in Philomena’s eyes before she chirped happy and drank the punch. As the two finished their drinks, an exhausted Twilight addressed Luna on the radio. “I’ve got the shot!”
Luna smirked as she looked dead center into Philomena’s eyes, and whispered, “Gotcha.”
Philomena’s eyes widened as she turned to her glass and noticed a faint glare coming from behind her in its reflection. Up on the second floor of the castle, Twilight aimed her paintball gun and fired a shot. A blue paintball bullet through the air at top speed, heading directly towards the back of Philomena’s head. Time seemed to slow down as it inched closer and closer to phoenix, Luna’s grin increasing. At last victory was hers. Suddenly, Philomena tilted her head to the right. The paintball just barely nicked her neck. Luna’s face turned from triumph to horror as she tried to jump out of the paintball’s way, but gagged as it entered straight into her mouth.
“Gah!” coughed Luna, hacking the disgusting blue paint out of her mouth. Philomena pointed at her and laughed at the sight, nearly falling off the edge of the table.
“Oh my gosh! Princess! I’m so sorry I thought I had her!”
Luna’s response was more coughing and wheezing. A few of the guards and guests noticed her trouble and went to assist the younger princess back to her hooves. “Are you okay, Princess Luna?” asked one of the guards.
“I am fine, thank you,” said Luna, a fowl blue odor coming out of her mouth. A second later the guests were crying and holding their snouts in disgust. The stench was so powerful it even caused facial hair to fall off or sent ponies into unconsciousness.
“Oh, Faust! The stench!”
“It smells like something crawled up inside her throat and died!”
“What have you been eating, Princess Luna?!”
“My eyes are bleeding!”
Luna looked at her subjects, confused at their behavior, before realizing they were talking about her breath. She slowly stepped back from the moaning guests, hoping to avoid the looks she was getting, before bumping into another guest. “Oh, I’m sorry! I--”
The guest she bumped into quickly covered his muzzle and fled, tears dripping down his cheeks. He pushed the others out of the way before leaning over a bush. Everypony winced as they heard him hurl over and over again. Shutting her mouth to prevent any more damage, Luna looked around for something to block the stench. Noticing another bowl of punch, she grabbed one of the glasses and began drinking. After her fifth glass, she felt somepony tap her shoulders. Turning around, she saw a grinning Philomena holding a bottle for display.
Looking at the title, Luna let the glass slip from her magic as sweat began to pour down her forehead. It was dripping down slowly at first, but soon it was coming down like heavy rain. On the bottle it read, “Dragon’s Bane Red Hellfire Spicy Hot Sauce ”.
Like a rising thermometer, her dark blue face began to turn fire red. Her stomach rumbled like a volcano ready to burst as she felt an enormous, and painful, pressure building up inside her throat until she couldn’t hold it anymore. She screamed, letting out a wave of fire from her mouth that extended up to ten feet in the air. Everypony was now focused on her, staring in wonder at the pyrotechnic display. Philomena, meanwhile, had taken out a large stick with marshmallows on it for a quick roasting.
“It burns! It burns!” screamed Luna, rushing across the garden, spitting out fire along the way. Ponies jumped out of her path as Luna did everything she could to douse the fire in her mouth. She dived into punch bowls, ate all the cold food, even going so far as to licking the grass. Just as she was about to teleport an entire lake into the vicinity, she saw a something that brought hope to her heart. It was ice. A pure block of wonderful, cooling, ice.
With a single great leap, Princess Luna hugged the frozen water before licking and sucking it with all her might. The furious flames of spiciness began to settle down as she continued to take every part of the ice she could with passion. Oh yes... yes... pleasure us oh wonderful ice. Calm the raging fire that lies inside us with your soothing taste !
Princess Celestia and Fancy Pants were watching the scene before them with great disturbance painted on their faces. Gathering his voice, Fancy Pants leaned over to the princess, and said, “Forgive me, your majesty, but your sister seems to have... taken a fancy to your ice replica.” He blushed as he watched Luna start moving from the mouth towards the horn of the ice sculpture. Sucking it like a lollipop. “In fact, one might wonder—and I’m not saying that I think this true—that this is a sign of somepony holding... repressed feelings of affection. I mean, a thousand years on the moon is both a long and lonely time. Not to mention you are the only other immortal in her life who’s single.”
“Fancy Pants...” firmly addressed Celestia, trying to fight down the embarrassing blush on her cheeks. It only got redder as Luna started started sucking on the ice statue’s left ear. She noticed all the guests watching her sister in horror or turning away, blushing just as much as she was.A few of the males seemed to be really focused on the scene, with several stiffening pairs of pegasi wings. Her Hearth's Warming Eve gift list had just gotten a few names shorter. “I want you to relay this to all the guests. If anypony so happens to mention this to anypony, including the press, I will personally see it that they get a first class vacation to the frozen mountains up north. One. Way. Only.”
“Y–yes, Princess Celestia,” muttered Fancy Pants.
“Good. Also, get my sister down and tell her to stop making a scene. Meanwhile, I need to visit my room for a moment,” said Celestia with a disturbing smile.
“What for?” asked Fancy Pants.
“I just want to make sure that I have enough room on my fireplace for a little trophy I’ll be getting by the night’s end.”
***
“Smooth shooting, Twi,” snickered Rainbow Dash.
Twilight felt her blush increase tenfold as she continued watch Princess Luna ravage Celestia’s ice replica, slowly melting its face off. Twilight still couldn’t believe she’d missed. She calculated the distance, wind speed, firing mechanism, and velocity of the paintball. It should have been a clean shot.
Shaking out of her stupor, Twilight looked around the party for any sign of Philomena. “I can’t find her girls, it’s like she vanished into thin air...”
A small whistle from behind made her senses turn up to high alert as she slowly turned around. Flapping just in front of her face was Philomena, sticking her tongue out and giving a raspberry. Closing her eyes to avoid the spit, Twilight rubbed her face before spotting Philomena retreating down the hall.
Levitating her paintball gun, she chased after her and began firing her paintballs at the bird. With grace and skill, Philomena was able to weave and dodge the shots as the balls splattered all over the wall., Twilight told the others, “I’m chasing Philomena right now! I got this!”
“Twilight, wait!” cried out Pinkie Pie, but her warning was ignored.
Skidding across the floor, she made a sharp right turn, watching Philomena head towards two large double doors and teleport inside in a flash of fire. Back pressed against the left side of the door, Twilight could feel her sweat dripping down her neck. “She’s teleported into another room. I’m going in.”
“Twilight! Listen to me! I’m having a Pinkie Combo!” cried out Pinkie Pie again, this time making Twilight stop and listen. “My right hoof is itchy, my tail is getting all curled up, and my eyebrows keep squinting! That means it’s a trap! Don’t go in there! You have too much to live for!”
Twilight licked her lips as her ingenious mind went through hundreds of possible scenarios that awaited her inside that room. For all she knew, it could be filled with fireworks ready to go off and blast her to the moon. And yet...
“I have to go in. I can do it, girls!” shouted Twilight, ignoring Pinkie’s pleas. She bucked the door open and found herself in a big, dark, and seemingly empty room. Gulping, Twilight raised her paintball gun up to waist and slowly went inside, checking all around her just in case. There was nothing but darkness and silence. It made every inch of her body shiver at the thought of what lay beyond all the shadows.
A small clank nearly caused her to cry out as she turned around, firing a few random shots in the dark. Wings fluttered right behind her and she felt something feathery and soft brush against her back. With a war-like cry, Twilight fired into the darkness again in random directions. Shot after shot was sent into the blackness, sounds of splats heard just after each shot. She only stopped firing when she heard a “clicking” sound from her gun.
Twilight jumped as the lights suddenly turned on, much to her relief. However, this relief was soon replaced with horror by what she saw. Her magic faded and the paintball gun dropped onto the floor, its crash resonating across the large empty room. Twilight stepped back, her pupils shrinking as she began to find it hard to breath. “No... no it... it can’t be... she... she lead me...”
A thousand waves of regret began to overwhelm Twilight as she tried to comprehend how it was possible for her, of all ponies, to forget the location of the castle library. All the books she loved and adored were now ruined by the splatters of paint. Falling to her knees, tears began to fall from the librarian’s eyes as she screamed, “What have I done!”
She noticed one of the books, now covered in blue paint, nearby, and reached out to grab it. Holding it close to her chest, Twilight closed her eyes and whispered, “I’m a monster... a monster. My precious babies...”
Closing her eyes, she lifted her head and screamed, “NOOOOO!”
***
“Twilight? Come in, Twilight? Twilight!” shouted Rainbow Dash into her earpiece. With no response, she sighed. “Pinkie, I think we lost Twilight.”
“Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. I warned her,” said Pinkie.
Rainbow Dash growled as she peered down below her cloud. Philomena had taken one of them out already, and Dash wasn’t going to take take that lying down. “I’m gonna head down there, find that turkey, and give her what for!”
“Hold on! I wanna try and prank Philomena! I wanna try!” begged Pinkie Pie. “Pleeeaaasssse!”
“Pinkie, this is serious! Our reputation as pranksters is on the line here!” chided Rainbow Dash. “Just stay put and let me come up with an... you’re already going in, aren’t you.”
“Yup! Wish me luck!” said Pinkie Pie before cutting the line.
***
“I don’t get it!” cried out Fancy Pants, stomping his hoof in frustration as he readjusted the clothespin on his nostrils. “We’ve gone through thirty-seven packets of mints, two bottles of mouthwash, and even used a clean breath spell. How do you still smell so... rancid?!”
“Don’t ask...” whispered Luna, trying to keep her lips shut as much as possible. Fancy Pants shook his head in defeat and walked away.
Luna glanced around, watching the party ponies keep their distance from her. She didn’t know if it was because of her breath, or the thought that she had repressed romantic feelings for her sister, the latter of which made her feel nauseous.
“Psst. Luna!”
Luna raised her head up and blinked. Swiveling left and right, she tried to see who was whispering to her. A tap of her shoulder alerted her of their presence and she turned around to see Pinkie Pie, dressed up as a waiter and carrying a plate of mini quiches. Naturally, she was also wearing a clothespin on her snout. Gasping, she tried to block Pinkie’s appearance with her giant wings. “Pinkie Pie! What are you doing?! If Philomena spots you...”
“Relax. silly. I’ve got this!” Pinkie pulled out a fake mustache and attached it to her face. “See! Now I totally blend in.”
“I fail to see how adding hair to your snout is going to fool anypony. You’re the Element of Laughter, ponies are going to recognize you by sight alone!” hissed Luna.
Their conversation was interrupted as a female unicorn in a blue dress walked towards them. “Excuse me, waiter?” Pinkie turned around and smiled. “Could you be a kind gentlecolt and direct me towards the little fillies’ room, please?”
“Sure, just head straight down the hall and take the third door on your right,” addressed Pinkie, pointing to the exit.
Luna watched in amazement as the unicorn walked away without a care. She turned back towards a grinning Pinkie Pie and tired to say something, but words failed her. Does that simple disguise really wor k, or have ponies just gotten less observant in the last one thousand years?
“So, let me tell you what I have planned out!” said Pinkie eagerly as she displayed the quiche. “Inside each of these is a yellow itching paintball, and whoever eats it will start scratching all over like a dog with fleas! I’m gonna get Philomena to eat one, and we’ll see her shake all her feathers off! It’s gonna be great!”
Thinking about the sight nearly made Luna fall to her knees and rupture in laughter. Seeing her princess’ approval, Pinkie bounced her way across the party, saying hello to some of the guests along the way. When they tried to reach for the quiche, she politely told them that they were bad and she was bringing them to the garbage. After a few minutes of searching, she spotted the phoenix, resting on a nearby tree looking a bit lonely.
Pinkie Pie cleared her throat, grabbing Philomena’s attention. “Hi! You look a little down! Want some quiche to make you feel better?” She lifted the tray up for Philomena to get a good sniff, but the phoenix stuck out her tongue and turned away with a huff. “Aw, come on. It’s really good! Just one?”
Philomena shook her head.
“One bite?”
Another shake.
“Pretty please with cherries on top!”
Philomena slowly peered her head around and nearly trembled at the sight of a puppy-eyed Pinkie Pie. She was even sniffling and biting her lip for good measure. Philomena tried to look away, tried to ignore the growing sense of guilt that was building inside her. With an annoyed sigh, she nodded her head, instantly wiping the guilty-fueled look from Pinkie’s face.
Suddenly, Pinkie felt something come off her face, and both of them looked down to see her mustache on the ground. Pinkie grabbed the back of her neck and rubbed it, eyes darting around, refusing to meet the phoenix’s. “Wow, that hair removing product really works unexpectedly.”
Philomena quickly went to work by stuffing the quiche into Pinkie’s mouth. Pinkie gasped and tried to prevent herself from swallowing, coughing and using her tongue as a shield for her esophagus. The phoenix took another mini-quiche and flew off just as Pinkie hacked out the pranked pasty, no worse for wear. Relieved that she hadn’t bitten into the paintball inside, she began to wonder where Philomena went until she noticed one of the quiche missing.
She didn’t even need her Pinkie Sense to tell her that was bad.
***
By the constellations I am so bored! thought Princess Luna as she sulked in the back of the party. Most of the guests were no longer paying attention to her anymore—a good thing, really—and Philomena hadn’t been spotted. Even better, her sister wasn’t back yet to chew her ear off for her actions earlier. How am I going to explain that one anyway?
A gurgle from her lower abdomen signaled her desire for food, and Luna, glancing at the tasty treats, felt urged to comply. Walking towards the buffet, she picked up a plate and started filling it with whatever she could see.
Unbeknownst to Luna, Philomena was right under the table, glancing at the ignorant princess from below. Taking the joke quiche, she flipped it up and it landed on Princess Luna’s plate, unnoticed. Snickering, she retreated back under the table and watched as Luna retreated from the buffet.
Licking her lips, Princess Luna eyed the many snacks and sweets on her plate, trying to decide which one would be best to taste first. She closed her eyes and randomly picked one, her magic levitating the quiche into her mouth, biting into it with gusto. “Hmmm, tasty!”
She went to pick up a cupcake when suddenly she felt an itch behind her right ear. Huffing in annoyance, she scratched it and went back to her sweets... only to start scratching her other ear. Then her nose, her chin, her shoulders and soon Luna found herself scratching all over. What’s going on! Why... can’t I... stop... itching!
It was like she was getting poked by a thousand needles, and no matter how much she tried, she couldn’t stop scratching herself. She tried to fight it off, use mind over matter, but it was a futile effort. With a great cry, she started running and scratching all over herself from her horn to her flank. Ponies stared at her in shock as she jumped around, shaking herself and pressing her hooves all over her body and wings. Already, whispers and hoof pointing were starting and Princess Luna couldn’t do anything to stop herself.
On the other end of the gardens, Pinkie Pie was realizing the predicament that Luna was about to find herself in. Looking around, she tried to find something to help her save her from further embarrassment, and noticed the DJ. Getting an idea, she dashed over to the DJ and bumped him off his set, knocking his headphones onto her head. She turned off his previous tune and grabbed the mic. “Hey everypony!” All eyes turned from Princess Luna—who was sitting on the grass, shuffling forward with her butt—towards her. “What do you say we get this party started and start shaking it down just like Princess Luna!”
She quickly looked through the records set up, and smiled upon finding one that would surely work. Taking the record, she put it in place and played it. Trumpets and a drum solo started acting up, familiar to the taste of a Mexicolt fiesta. All eyes turned to Luna as she jumped to her two hind legs and started scratching all over herself while struggling to not fall. To the audience, however, it looked like she was dancing to the music in a provocative way, and the lyrics that followed only supported that theory.
“She's into superstitions.
Black cats and voodoo dolls.
Well, I feel a premonition.
That mare's gonna make me fall!”
Falling to her knees, Princess Luna started scratching her hair and plot, whipping both from side to side. Her entire body shook and shivered like it was the middle of an earthquake as everypony stared at her, drawing special attention from the stallions.
“She's into new sensations.
New kicks in the candlelight.
She's got new addictions,
For every day and night!”
Peering around, Luna noticed a giant pitcher of water on a table and stumbled her way towards it, knocking back a few guests. She tripped along the way, stumbling over her desperately itching hooves, resulting in her twirling around and landing on a nearby cushion by the pitcher.
“She'll make you take your clothes off,
and go dancing in the rain!”
Grabbing the pitcher with her magic, she dashed its contents all over her, hoping it would ease the maddening itch in some way. The other ponies gasped as the water smoothly washed over her, resulting in a coat that sparkled with her (now very wet) starry mane. Ponies began tapping their hooves and shaking their heads to the song, unaware of the discomfort Luna was in.
“She'll make you live her crazy life,
but she'll take away your pain!
Like a bullet to your brain!
Come on!”
With the water having not worked, and having no coherent options remaining, Luna jumped up and started shaking herself while keeping one hoof against her chest and the other against her flank, rubbing both desperately. By this point, ponies began joining in, thinking it to be some kind of dance. Pinkie was shaking her own tail at the DJ studio as she cracked up the volume.
“Upside inside out!
She's livin' la vida loca!
She'll push and pull you down!
Livin' la vida loca!”
Feeling her own hooves weren’t worth it, Luna grabbed a nearby stallion who gasped as he was taken by the hooves. They stood up on hind legs as she place his hooves on her behind and desperately ordered, “Scratch me now!”
The stallion nodded, not caring if her breath was terrible, as he scratched Luna’s tight rear cheeks. Sighing in relief, she held close to him and shifted herself every so often for maximum feeling while her hooves danced across her withers and neck. The stallion—considering himself to be the luckiest guy on the face of the planet at that moment—believed this to be part of the dance and the two started shaking it together, side by side. Their audience began to cheer and whoop loudly, couples soon pairing up, some even attempting to match the provocative princess.
“Her lips are devil red!
And her skin's the color mocha!
She will wear you out!
Livin' la vida loca! (Come on!)
Livin' la vida loca! (Come on!)
She's livin' la vida loca!”
***
Up above, Rainbow Dash was watching the whole thing and laughing up a storm. Granted, she was upset about Pinkie failing to prank Philomena, but it was worth it just to see this. She wasn’t the only one laughing, though. As her own mirth began to die down, she overheard a high pitched squeaking next to her, and turned around to see Philomena, wing pointing at the scene and tears streaming down her face.
“You!” shouted Rainbow Dash, grabbing her paintball gun.Philomena squawked in alarm and quickly sped off, Dash right behind her. The two dove down towards the gardens until they were at ground level, a rainbow blur chasing after the fiery streaks.
Their chase went on through hedges, trees, and statues. Tight turn after tight turn, Rainbow Dash kept up with Philomena, cursing the obstacles in her way that prevented her from going all out with her speed. Taking aim, Rainbow Dash unleashed her shots, but Philomena was able to dodge and weave through each one, resulting in most of the windows and some nearby statues getting covered with red paint.
They soon came to a dead end, the phoenix braking hard before tumbling into a large hedge. Philomena turned around to see a malicious grin on Rainbow Dash, heading straight for her. “I have you now!”
Just as Rainbow Dash closed on her, readying her gun to a shot she couldn’t miss, Philomena flared her wings and shined as bright as the sun itself. Rainbow Dash screamed as the brilliant light blinded her, flying right over Philomena’s head as she tried to cover her eyes. “My eyes! I can’t see!”
She flew right through the hedge and into crowded dance floor, screaming and shooting in random directions. Everypony who was had just been dancing now shouted in fright as they were hit with red paintballs, instantly knocking them all out. Pinkie Pie and Luna were quick enough to duck and cover as Rainbow Dash continued firing in random directions, spinning in place as she rubbed furiously at her eyes.
Her momentum carried her into the ice sculpture of Princess Celestia, tumbling into it and knocking it to the ground with a heavy thud. Rainbow Dash followed it down, spinning head over heels beyond it before burying herself into a large cake, splattering those nearby with pink frosting as Pinkie rushed over and gasped, “Dashie! You okay?
“...ugh...” moaned Rainbow Dash.
Pinkie turned to the crowd and waved her hoof. “She’s okay!”
A content snore answered her from the largely incapacitated party-goers while those left standing were moaning too much to care.
Luna, rising from her hooves, noticed Philomena flying off towards the garden entrance and growled. “Okay! No more Ms. Nice Pony!”
Her great wings flared out and she rocketed after the bird. Pinkie Pie extricated Rainbow Dash from the cake, helping her wipe the remaining pastry off her face and body. Naturally, she was using her tongue. “Mmm, delicious!”
Rainbow Dash’s cheeks turned red as she saw the battlefield surrounding her, mere remains of the earlier party. Food was scattered and trampled all over the ground. The guests that weren’t knocked out were moaning in pain and glaring at the pair of ponies standing in the remains of the cake. The glorious ice statue, formerly depicting the Solar Princess in beautiful detail, now was a half-melted ice block that resembled less an alicorn and more a misshapen monster, with rounded stumps for wings and what could be mistaken for a second head growing from between its eyes.
“Well, it can’t get any worse,” moped Rainbow Dash.
Pinkie gulped and pointed behind her, where she saw a stunned Princess Celestia look at the remains of her once perfectly planned-out party. Her left eye twitched as she mumbled inaudibly, her head swiveling left and right as she tried to take in the destruction. An instant later, she gave the entire crowd a glare that made them step back at once before roaring in the Royal Canterlot Voice. “Who is responsible for this!”
Every hoof in the area pointed to Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, who were pointing at each other. Celestia slowly stepped forward towards the two, her mane now a red fiery blaze while her horn glowed with such heat it made the flowers burn into ashes. With eyes promising untold amounts of pain, the two pranksters held each other in fear as they saw their upcoming demise come towards them.
“Pinkie Pie, I’m sorry for all those times I called you crazy behind your back,” said Dash, closing her eyes.
“And I’m sorry that I told everypony you still sleep with a teddy bear and blanket!” confessed Pinkie Pie, earning her a look of disbelief and anger from Dash. “I said I was sorry.”
Before the two could fall victim to whatever punishment Celestia was about to deliver them, the doors to the garden gates slammed open once more. Everypony turned around to see an enraged Twilight Sparkle, eyes glowing red and magical aura spurring out of control, lift her paintball gun and fired into the air.
“PHILOMENA!” roared Twilight as she searched the area, her mind so blinded by rage that she couldn’t tell the difference between friend and foe. Eyes darting around, she then noticed a large flaming figure up front. The image soon faded to that of a flaming phoenix, its beak agape in laughter.Her magic spread across her paintball gun. It grew bigger, longer, and heavier as it was taken apart piece by piece and reformed. Everypony gasped in horror as Twilight stood on her back hooves and hefted a massive chaingun, fully loaded with red paintballs “SUFFER FOR YOUR SINS AGAINST LITERATURE YOU PELLET-PUKING WINGED MENACE!”
Everypony cowered to the ground except for a stunned Princess Celestia, as Twilight unleashed her rage via paintball barrage. The princess stood no chance as her once snow-white coat was given a new paint job.Paintball after paintball pelted against Princess Celestia as she flinched with each blow, holding her hoof to her heart as she was gunned down mercilessly. After a lifetime of constant fire, the whirling barrels of the smoking gun slowed to a stop. The remaining ponies on the ground uncovered their eyes, watching in horror as Princess Celestia staggered backwards and collapsed. Her crown, spattered in red, bounced and rolled upon the ground before wobbling and collapsing onto its side with a dull thud that echoed throughout the stricken gardens.
Twilight’s anger soon replaced with horror upon seeing her mentor fall like a wounded soldier from a battlefield. “Princess Celestia!” shouted Twilight, dropping her weapon and galloping to her fallen teachers side. She fell to the ground, cradling Celestia’s lifted head up.
“Twi...light... my student...” whispered Celestia, barley keeping her eyes open.
“I’m so sorry! Just stay with me! Please!” shouted Twilight, tears in her eyes.
With a small smile, Celestia lifted her hoof up and gently caressed Twilight’s mane. “I’m sorry...” She closed her eyes as her hoof fell upon the ground like dead weight.
“No! Princess, come back! Princess Celestia !” cried Twilight as she held her beloved teacher in her forelegs.
Everypony started to tear up and hugged each other at the sight. Guards removed their helmets and cursed themselves for their failure. Twilight gently lowered her teacher on the ground and folded the white limp hooves against her mentor’s chest. She lowered her head and kissed the unblemished forehead of Celestia.
“Good night, sweet, princess. And may angels sing thee to thy rest...” whispered Twilight, wiping the tears from her eye. Everypony bowed their heads, their hearts and minds occupied with thoughts of their once great leader. A massive sobbing was heard as Pinkie wailed into a handkerchief, overcome with grief.
“Uh, Twilight,” said Rainbow Dash, raising her eyebrow at the scene. “You do know she’s just asleep right.”
“Snnnoorrreeee! ”
Everypony blinked in shock as they stared at the sleeping princess, who twitched as she grumbled a bit before releasing another massive snore. Twilight looked at the disbelieving crowd and nervously chuckled. “Um, oops?”
***
Luna cursed the designer of the palace. It had so many halls and twists and turns that it felt more like a maze than a home. Abandoning the gardens, she had chased Philomena for some time, hurtling down corridors and stairs until she lost track of where she was. It didn’t help that she was still itching, but at this point she could have been on fire and it wouldn’t matter. Her anger was blocking all other feelings except one: vengeance
Keeping her horn ready charged with magic, she checked every room she came across until there was one left: her bathing room, where the accursed bird had nearly burned her skin off.
Gulping, she slowly opened the door and crept in, checking every corner for movement. Just as she reached the edge of the bath, she heard the door slam behind her and quickly turned around. There by the entrance, on the ground, was her tormentor, smiling with one of her wings behind her back. Luna growled and prepared herself. “I have no idea what you’re planning now, but I can assure you that I’m ready to make you pay for embarrassing me!”
Philomena only chuckled before revealing what was behind her back. Luna gasped. In Philomena’s wings was a blue vial, the last of three. Luna could feel every inch of her body tremble—even worse thanks to the itching paintball—at the thought of what Philomena was going to do with it. She had suffered the poison joke twice and didn’t want another horrifying experience with it.
If I can disarm her... grab the vial and use it myself... thought Luna as sweat dripped down her brow.
Suddenly, the door opened, smashing into the phoenix. Philomena squeaked as she was knocked forward, crashing into Princess Luna. The two of them fell into the bath, the vial of poison joke flipping up into the air before gravity took over pulled it down inescapably. Its contents broke open upon contact with the water. The bath began to glow a dark blue, sparkling lights reflecting off its surface. A large whirlpool formed inside as the two trapped foes struggled to escape, but were caught inside and forced under as it spun faster and faster.
The water spun faster yet as the magical glow began to intensify. When it reached its highest speed yet, a giant ball of light erupted from the middle of the whirlpool, rising above both Philomena and Luna as they struggled to keep their mouths above the churning water. Two wisp, one blue from Luna’s horn and the other red from Philomena’s breast, rose and crackled with magical energy, before speeding into the opposite’s mouth. When they had swallowed the strange mystical energy, the orb of light exploded and sent them flying across the room in opposite directions, water sloshing across the room. Their heads cracked against the stone walls, both slumping to the wet floor as they fell unconscious.
Prince Blueblood, who had only come in for a quick bath before bed, looked at the two unconscious figures before turning back to the bath, which had slowly begun to return to its normal behavior. “Huh. I didn’t know this bath had a whirlpool feature.”
***
The moment she woke up, it felt like her skull had just been fractured by an executor’s axe. Groaning, she tried to lift herself up, but doing so only worsened her headache. She tried to open her eyes, but everything was so blurry and dark. She could barely make out the two ponies in her vision.
“Why do we have to guard this troublemaker again?” asked one of the ponies, whose voice she recognized as that of a stallion.
“Orders are orders. Princess Luna requested it,” said the other voice, also male.
“Still didn’t need to cut our vacation time, though,” complained the first one. “I was having fun drinking my flank off.”
“Yes, yes, Helm Breaker. I heard you say that a million times already. Just get over it.”
Helm Breaker? That must mean the other is Piercing Valor. Her vision was getting better as she let out a groan, getting the Night Guards attention. She sat up and rubbed her head, cursing at the pain before looking at the guards who were, to her surprise, glaring at her.
“So you finally woke up, you little pain in the flank,” said Helm Breaker. “I don’t know why Princess Luna wanted you to be kept unharmed, but if it was me you would be in a jail cell.”
She blinked before glaring at them. “I am Princess Luna, you blithering idiots!”
The two stepped back and gasped. Piercing Valor lifted his hoof and pointed at Luna. “Y–you can talk?!” He blinked and stared at her in confusion. “And... you sound just like Princess Luna.”
Luna raised an eyebrow. “Of course I sound like Princess Luna. That’s who I am.” She stood up on her talons and pointed her right wing at the guards. “Now one of you tell me what’s... going... on?”
She stared at the wing that she was using. It was bright red, intruding where her hoof should have been. She looked at her rear hooves, only to find bird feet. Her fears worsened when she touched her snout, but it was sharp and smooth like a... beak.
“No... no no no no!” shouted Luna as she jumped off the bed, momentarily noticing her now short height, and headed over to a nearby mirror. What she saw nearly caused her to have a heart attack. Her worst fears were realized as she tried to deny herself what was going on. It had to be a nightmare, or another prank, but deep inside Luna knew this was real.
A worse thought came to mind. If she was in Philomena’s body.... then that meant Philomena was in...
***
The castle staff all muttered to each other as they stood before the empty throne. Whispers told about a huge party that went wrong and many were in the hospital. One rumor said that Princess Celestia had been killed by an assassin, while another claimed that she and Princess Luna were having a forbidden relationship with one another.
The crowd was soon silenced as a Night Guard climbed to the first step leading to the the throne and called for their attention. “Listen up. I know you have heard a lot of things, but I’m going to be clear about this. Princess Celestia is okay, she’s just not feeling well at the moment to rule. Thankfully, her student and two of the Elements are watching over here. In the meantime, Princess Luna will be taking Princess Celestia’s duties until her majesty has recovered.”
He stepped down as the front doors open, revealing a grinning 'Princess Luna' . She strolled past her subjects and made her way to the throne. Sitting down, she looked at the bowing ponies before her gave a laugh.
“Let the fun begin...”
Author's Note
Link to the song used here:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-YsjHzadl8
And yes, I am a Ricky Martin fan. Sue me.
Palace Perils
By The Rated Ponystar
Formerly Edited by Fernin and tayman2037
Still Edited by Clavier and Adjudicator
***
How? How did Celestia manage to do this for nearly a thousand years? Philomena had seen her owner do it with a smile on her face every time, but now she was starting to suspect that it had all been a facade. It had only been two hours and already Philomena was regretting her decision to act in Luna’s place. Having to deal with endless requests that ranged from stupid to ‘Dear Faust, how long is this pony going to keep talking’. She was tempted to just fake a heart attack and be carried away from this nightmare. Then again, that would cause chaos like Equestria's never seen… one of the princesses asleep, the other suddenly ‘dead’ , thought Philomena as she lazy stared at her new hoof.
Naturally, she had been shocked by her new appearance. At first she was ready to tell somepony about her sudden change, but realized that there was some excitement to be had at Luna’s expense. It would only be some harmless fun—well, maybe not for Luna’s reputation—but it wasn’t like she was trying to take over the country. Passing off for Luna wasn’t a problem, since one of the first things you have to do when pranking a victim is to get to know their habits and quirks. Even getting used to the body wasn’t that hard. Wings she had known how to use for ages, and, while it took some getting used too, walking turned out to be quite easy. The only problem she had was using alicorn magic. It was quite different from the type of magic phoenix's had. With no way of using magic, Philomena feared that until Celestia was up it would be night for quite a while. She told the advisors when they asked her to raise the sun that Celestia never taught her and she was not up to full strength due to the party the previous night to even raise the moon. To her relief, they told her that that Celestia had made a backup plan long ago just in case certain events prevent her from summoning the day and night.
According to the advisors, she formed a special group just around the time of Nightmare Moon’s banishment that trained to raise the sun and moon, similar to how the unicorns raised them before the sisters came to power. They had only been used a few times in history, mostly when Celestia was too sick to work, and while they weren’t as fast or efficient as Celestia or Luna, they could get the job done. With that taken care of, Philomena was ready to start her plans in embarrassing Luna further. However, she was soon quickly shoved to the throne room to substitute for Celestia’s day court.
More like constant-whining-and-flank-kissing court , thought Philomena, rolling her eyes as the latest arrival continued on with her presentation. I swear, the requests they make: lowering the tax rates, blessing foals, approving another statue of Celestia, denying research plans to investigate mythological creatures... what kind of a creature is a ‘human’ anyway?
Her current annoyance was in the form of a unicorn named Colgate, who was going on about some health issue or whatnot. The pony even brought slides to support her argument. Slowly dying of boredom, Philomena decided she’d had enough and raised her hoof. “Enough! I get the picture. Whatever it is that you want you can have.”
Colgate stopped talking and gave Philomena a wide smile, her teeth as perfect as can be. “You mean it?! You’ll outlaw cakes and sweets in Equestria in favor of sugar-free snacks and treats?!”
“Yes, sure, whatever. Effective immediately and all that,” said Philomena, ignoring the disbelieving looks and shaking heads from her advisors. She didn’t see what the big deal was. So some ponies lose their devil’s food, no big deal. A couple of them needed to lose a few pounds anyway.
Colgate bowed over and over again as she retreated from the throne room with her projector and slides. “Thank you so much, Princess Luna! If you ever need a checkup for your teeth just look me up!”
“Yeah, sure.” Philomena lazily waved goodbye with her hoof and jumped off her throne. “Okay, ponies. Let’s take five. I wanna see my sister.”
Everypony obeyed and bowed as she made her way to the door, a pair of Night Guards accompanying her. She couldn’t help but giggle at the sight of everypony bowing before her. She was even tempted to head into the city and see what she could get away with in Luna’s body, but there would be plenty of time for that later. Right now I’ve got to check on Celestia.
“Um, your majesty?” asked one of the Night Guards, nervously. “Permission to speak?”
“Sure, go ahead,” said Philomena.
“Are you... well? I know things have been stressful for you these past few days, but the decisions you’ve been making today have been, well...,” he bit his tongue,”... unorthodox.”
“How so?” asked Philomena, stopping at a suit of armor to look at her new face in the reflection. I wonder what would happen if I covered this face in zits? There is that cream that I’ve been meaning to test out...
“Well, you’ve ordered that pegasi are now required to fly backwards on Fridays. There’s the fact that you declared a special holiday on which ponies pay special homage to birds. You’ve asked the guards to dance to Swan Lake—in their heaviest armor, might I add—for your amusement. And you’ve given yourself the title ‘Queen of the Geeks and Losers of the World’,” pointed out the guard.
Philomena giggled. “Oh, I'm just giving myself the title that I so rightfully deserve. Anyway, nopony had a problem with it, so let’s just go and see how Twilight Sparkle and her friends are dealing with my sister, shall we?”
“Yes, Princess Luna.”
“Princess what ?” asked Philomena, sweetly.
The guard sighed. “Princess Luna, Queen of the Geeks and Losers of the World.”
Philomena nodded in satisfaction before they arrived at Princess Celestia’s bedchamber. She knocked and was greeted with a blast of confetti and balloons when the doors opened. Pinkie stuck her head out and smiled. “Hey there, Luna! Come on in, the party is just starting!”
“For the tenth time, Pinkie, we are not having a ‘Wake Up Princess Celestia Party’!” shouted Twilight from inside.
Ordering the guards to stay put, Philomena entered the room with Pinkie Pie, noticing the party pony’s work all over. There were large streamers, balloons, and even a few banners, like ‘Wake Up Celestia!’ and ‘The Sun Is Up! Why Aren’t You?’. Pinkie Pie started to pout as Twilight began banishing the party supplies one by one with a quick blast of magic while Rainbow Dash was shaking a slumbering Princess Celestia in her bed.
“Come on, already! Wake up!”
The only response was a loud snore from the sun-raiser. Rainbow Dash slapped Princess Celestia in the rump, only to get a kick from a rear leg that sent her flying into the wall, leaving an imprint of her body. Slowly peeling herself off, Rainbow Dash shook her mane free of some left-over rubble, and shouted, “Geez, Twilight, how many times did you shoot her with the sleeping paintballs?! It’s been nearly seventeen hours!”
“Don’t remind me! Oh, how could I have lost it back there?! Princess Celestia is going to be so mad at me!” Twilight started to pace around, strains of her mane slowly uncurled while her pupils got smaller and smaller. “She’s not going to let me be her student anymore! She might even banish me from Equestria! Or worse... she might banish me from all the libraries in the world !"
Rainbow Dash coughed the word ‘egghead’ into her hoof while Philomena did her best to not laugh at the panicking unicorn’s behavior. And she’s supposed to be the logical one of the group?
“Relax, Twilight. I’m sure Princess Celestia will just laugh about the whole thing. Besides, it was an accident,” assured Pinkie Pie, putting her foreleg around Twilight’s neck. “A rage-fueled, phoenix-hating accident, but an accident nonetheless.”
“Oh, trust me. Once Princess Celestia wakes up, I’m going to get that bird and dissect her for science!” growled Twilight, foam slowly forming around her muzzle.
Philomena gulped and quickly wiped some sweat off her brow. “A–Anyway, has Philomena awakened yet?”
“I was about to go check. I’ll let you know what happens, Princess Luna,” said Twilight, quickly leaving the room to check on ‘Philomena’. The real phoenix couldn’t help but imagine the possible outcomes Luna would face with an angry Twilight Sparkle, let alone the revelation that she was no longer in her own body. The reactions would be picture worthy.
It’s going to be a shame when all this ends. Might as well enjoy it while I can.
“Hey, Pinkie Pie!” shouted Rainbow Dash, catching everypony’s attention. “I think I have an idea on how we can wake Princess Celestia up, follow me!”
“Coming !” sung Pinkie Pie, bouncing out the door with her fellow prankster.
All alone, Philomena turned to the bed and saw her sleeping owner. Smiling at the cute, peaceful expression on Celestia’s face, Philomena took her hoof and caressed her owner’s warm cheek. The fake princess’s smile soon reversed as she sat next to the bed. Lowering her head, she muttered, “I’m sorry you got hurt. Luna was my target, never you. I could never prank you, Celestia.” She leaned down and nuzzled Celestia’s neck, letting out a soft sigh. “I’ll make sure you wake up soon. I don’t think I can handle doing your job any longer than I am.”
It felt so good to be by her owner once more. Just the two of them and nopony el—
“Luna...” whispered Celestia, before falling silent once more.
Philomena’s eyes widened. Rising from the bed, she stared at the sleeping princess in silence. The warmth in her eyes slowly faded away and was replaced with a burning rage. Hoof shaking, she stomped on the floor and nearly screamed, but managed to keep her mouth shut. A knock on the door reminded her that she still had guards waiting outside, most likely to take her back to her duties . Rising to all fours, she noticed a small framed picture of Celestia and Luna on a dresser, taken after the latter had returned from her imprisonment.
She knocked it off the edge and left the room.
***
“Hey, Luna. Mind helping us with... um, you okay?!” asked Rainbow Dash as Luna stomped right past her and Pinkie. Dash raised an eyebrow before shrugging and guided the cloud she had gathered from outside into Celestia’s room.
Pinkie Pie followed her, and tilted her head as Dash carefully started positioning the small thundercloud right above the princess’s bed. “Are you sure this is going to work, Dashie? Some ponies might not think that blasting the princess's behind with lightning is a good joke.”
While a part of Dash did wonder if she would get in trouble for shocking the princess with a low-powered lightning strike, she figured could always chalk it off to ‘a desperate action for a desperate time.’ Good thing Twilight isn’t here to see this. She’d have a heart attack.
“Relax, Pinkie Pie,” reassured Rainbow Dash, lying on the cloud with her stomach. She perched over the calm and sleeping face of Princess Celestia. Some would call her idea brave, others would call it stupid, but if this woke up the princess then who were they to argue? All she was doing was patriotic duty to Equestria. “We need Princess Celestia to wake up, don’t we? What’s better than a little shock straight to the rump? Now do you have the mirror?”
Pinkie Pie nodded and brought in a large golden mirror from outside, planting it firmly near the edge of the bed where she could see the reflection of the princess’s royal plot. Taking out a red marker, she drew a bullseye for Rainbow Dash, who continued positioning her cloud. “This is going to be so funny! I bet Princess Celestia’s mane will stand on it's end!”
“Make sure that the mirror is good, Pinkie,” reminded Rainbow Dash. “It was hard enough to sneak in a cloud this big on its own and it’s only good enough for one kick!”
“Roger, dodger!” said Pinkie Pie, adjusting the mirror a bit more. “Say, Dashie. Where did you get the idea for this anyway?”
Rainbow Dash rubbed the back of her neck. “Well, let’s say it’s based off personal experience...”
Before she could continue, Pinkie ears started flapping while her tail spun around like a propeller. All the while her right hoof kept stomping on the floor. Realizing this was another Pinkie Sense moment, Rainbow Dash held her breath until Pinkie stopped and smiled.
“Oh! Neat! The Flashback combo!” cheered Pinkie Pie, bouncing in place. “We haven’t had one of those since the second chapter!”
Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “Pinkie? What are you—”
***
Hospitals sucked.
Like, really sucked.
They were cold, creepy, filled with sick ponies, they had terrible food, that annoying heart monitor that always beeped every second, and worst of all you had to go to the bathroom in those basins if you were confined to the bed. Totally embarrassing. But the absolute worst thing about hospitals was that they were just so boring.
Rainbow Dash sighed for the hundredth time as she looked around the room for something to do. She quickly glanced at both her wings, trapped in the infernal, itchy creation known as casts, and mentally kicked herself for being careless with her tricks... again. Pounding her head against her pillow, she tried to think of a way to get rid of her boredom as the heart monitor continued to mock her. Normally, her friends would visit, but a quick look out the window, where Dash could see the raging storm outside, told her that wasn’t going to happen. She didn’t have any games, there wasn’t anypony else in the room to talk to, her Daring Do books were back home, and worst of all, she couldn’t get to sleep.
“This. Sucks. Period,” complained Rainbow Dash, gritting her teeth “I have to do something or I’m going to go crazy !”
She shot her hooves out. One of them managing to knock over the heart monitor, which crashed into the floor. Rainbow Dash gasped and held her breath, hoping that nopony heard the machine break, lest she would have to pay for extra damages. After a minute of waiting, she relaxed, seeing nopony coming to her room. The machine had also stopped beeping... and instead was now just emitting a solid tone and showing a flat line.
For a second, Rainbow Dash thought the worst, but she relaxed upon realizing that she was still breathing and thinking. “Stupid machine. Making me think I’m dead.” She picked it up and put it back in its place. It continued its constant noise, making the situation even more unbearable than before.
She wondered what she was going to do with it, until an idea came to her and she began to grin. Should I or shouldn’t I? It would get me in trouble, but then again I’ve always wanted to do this kind of prank. Rainbow Dash rubbed her hooves together before pressing the call button for the nurse. With her task done, she closed her eyes, let her body go limp, and stuck out her tongue. She heard the door open and held her breath.
“Rainbow Dash? Is something—Oh my Faust !” cried out what sounded like Nurse Tenderheart. “Doctor Stable! We got a flat-liner in Room 201! Get the paddles!”
Rainbow Dash snickered, imagining the look on the nurse’s face, before she heard more hooves coming back to her room. Resuming her act, she heard two ponies rush in along with the sounds of wheels.
“Quick, Tenderheart, charge me up at five hundred volts!” cried out Doctor Stable.
Wait... volts?
“Clear!”
Rainbow Dash felt the electric currents pass through her body as she shot out of her bed and through the ceiling, screaming. Doctor Stable and Nurse Tenderheart looked up at the hole above and then at each other before shaking hooves. “Well done, Miss Tenderheart. Another patient safe and back with us from the cold grip of death.”
***
“—talking about?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Oh, nothing. It’s already over,” said Pinkie Pie as Dash raised an eyebrow.
“Pinkie Pie, you are so random.”
“And I wouldn't want it any other way! Now let’s get to shocking Princess Celestia’s butt!”
Rainbow Dash shrugged before taking one last aim at the mirror, keeping her focus on the hoof-drawn red target. Licking her lips, Rainbow Dash turned around and pulled back her hind legs, ready to kick the life out of the cloud.
“Oh! A spare bit!” cried out Pinkie Pie, noticing the coin lying next to the bed. She leaned over to to get it, unknowingly hitting the mirror with her flank. This caused the mirror to angle upwards, straight at Rainbow Dash.
By the time Dash realized what had happened, it was already too late. Her hooves pounded against the dark cloud, sending out a single lightning bolt that shot towards the mirror, only to be reflected back. Rainbow let out a “Yipe!” and ducked under the bolt of pure electricity which proceeded towards the princess’s dressing mirror.
“Wild lightning bolt!” screamed Rainbow Dash as she hid under the bed, the bolt continuing to bounce around all over the place like a rubber ball.
Pinkie Pie simply jumped around, performing the occasional twirl or cartwheel to avoid the wild lightning. “Weeeeee! This is fun!”
After a few more bounces, the lightning bolt bounced off another mirror and flew straight out the open window, flying into the distance with no sign of stopping. Poking her head out, Rainbow Dash saw that the worst was over, and crawled out of her hiding spot. Sighing in frustration, she looked at her now harmless white cloud. Pinkie Pie hopped over and gave her friend a supporting pat on the back.
“Aw, don’t feel bad, Dashie. Look on the bright side,” Pinkie then pulled out the bit, “I’m one bit richer now!”
Hoof connecting with her face, Rainbow Dash shook her head and decided to go back to the drawing board. Still, I wonder where that lightning bolt went? Ah well. Not my problem anymore.
***
Having spent the last few days digging through ice and snow, the red dragon felt that it was time to try someplace warmer, in case his rotten luck continued to hinder him. Ever since getting into Equestria, he had to deal with one bad experience after another. It was high time to head home. He just hoped word of his embarrassing crying session from that scary pegasus a year ago didn’t reach his friends’ ears.
Carefully balancing the pile of riches on his back, he continued his journey over the wide ocean that separated his kind from the ponies. It was a long flight, and he could feel the strain in his wing muscles while trying to keep his tired eyes open. A yawn escaped him as he wished for something exciting to happen to keep him focused.
His wish was granted by a powerful lightning bolt that hit him straight in the eye. The dragon roared in pain and reeled back, shouting every curse he knew in the draconic language. The pain passed as quickly as it came, leaving him to hiss from the lingering sting, although he was grateful that this sight wasn’t damaged. He paused for a moment and realized that his body felt a lot lighter than before.
Gasping, he looked below to see all his precious jewels, gold, silver, and priceless artifacts fall into the ocean with a loud splash, quickly sinking into the murky depths. After staring at the ripples for a few more minutes, the great beast cried for a second time in a few short days.
***
“This can’t be happening! This can’t be happening!” wailed Luna as she paced back and forth on her talons. Feathers fell from her body as she flapped her wings around frantically. Piercing Valor and Helm Breaker were watching her in silence, still trying to judge if this phoenix was indeed Princess Luna. If it was, it would definitely be a new one in the long record of strange happenings in Equestria. Luna looked at her aviary body again and shivered. “I feel so... so... unclean !"
“Okay, let’s say that you are Princess Luna in Philomena’s body,” said Helm Breaker, stepping forward. “How in Faust’s name did this even happen?”
Luna stopped her marching and rubbed her chin. “I remember trying to fight Philomena for control over a vial of poison joke, then falling into the bath with her... Of course! The water must have mixed with the poison joke and affected both of us!”
“Okay, but why are you talking with your normal voice? As far as I know, Philomena couldn’t talk,” said Breaker.
“Well, that’s very easy to explain. You see—”
The door to the hospital wing slammed open and everypony turned around to see a surprised Twilight Sparkle enter. Her expression soon changed to that of a furious lion, and she charged at Princess Luna. Luna’s eyes widened as she tried to speak, but a blow to the gut sent her flying across the room and against the wall. As stars circled around her head, she felt the cold hoof of a glaring Twilight Sparkle press down against her chest.
“Twilight Sparkle! Wait! You don’t know what you're doing!” cried out Piercing Valor with worry. His attempts to block the unicorn resulted in him being hurled aside in a glow of purple magic.
“Oh, yes I do!” shouted Twilight, as her horn lit up like a purple torch. “I’m about to give this rat with wings a good plucking before I deep fry her for some griffin ambassador!”
“Wait!” gasped Luna, making Twilight step back in shock. With the hoof no longer holding her down, Luna took in a few deep breaths before wheezing, “I... am... Luna...”
“W–what?! Who?! Why are you talking?! What’s going on?!” demanded Twilight, her gaze flitting back and forth between Luna and the guards.
Piercing Valor cleared his throat. “Well according to... her , she’s Princess Luna. Apparently, she and Philomena were drenched in poison joke, and claims they switch bodies. While she does sound like Princess Luna, we still have no honest way to tell.”
After an awkward silence, Twilight leaned forward and started analyzing a nervous Luna from head to talon. She proceeded to poke the avian’s stomach before pulling out a feather and scanned it with her magic. “Hmm...” Princess Luna held her breath as Twilight closed her eyes in concentration. Seconds later, she looked down at Luna and pinned her back to the floor by her feathered tail.
“If you really are Princess Luna. Tell me something that Princess Luna and only Princess Luna would know!”
Luna rolled her eyes and smirked. “Page 145: ‘As Starswirl pressed his perfect muscular physique against my tingling coat, I felt his amazing beard over me, tickling in more than one place. I held my breath, feeling the remaining minutes of my purity ticked away into oblivion as he lowered his haunches and pressed his’ —”
“Okay! Okay! Stop! I believe you!” shouted Twilight, blushing. She peered over her shoulder to notice the Night Guards equally flushed, although Helm Breaker sported a lewd smile on his lips. “She’s Princess Luna alright.”
“As entertaining as it was to see you flustered like that, we have a crisis to deal with,” addressed Luna, as she tested her new wings. They weren’t that different from her old ones, except smaller and requiring less energy to use. After a minute of practice, she managed to achieve flight, leveling herself to Twilight’s eyes. “We need to reverse this as quickly as possible! Philomena could be doing who-knows-what with my body!”
All three ponies gasped as their eyes widen at the thought of who was actually in charge of Equestria. It would be like Discord all over again, only without the brainwashing and chocolate-raining pink clouds. Twilight shook her head and unleashed a frustrated shout. “Augh! Philomena was with us the whole time in Princess Celestia’s room! She was right under my nose and I didn’t realize it!”
“Don’t beat yourself up, Twilight, you didn’t know,” reassured Luna. “Nevertheless, we must stop Philomena before she uses my body for whatever nefarious purposes she has planned! My entire reputation is at stake! Let us be off!”
The other three saluted and prepared to head out of the hospital wing with their real princess when one of the unicorn nurses came in from the hall. She was laughing in hysterics, and barely able to keep herself on her hooves. The four skidded to a halt as the nurse shook her head and wiped a tear from her eye. “Oh my goodness... those photos! The cuteness! Oh my gosh, who knew the princess was such a cutie-pie when she was a filly! Gahahaah!”
All four felt their hair, or feathers in one case, stand up on their backs, sensing that they were already too late. Luna, wasting no time, flew into the face of the shocked nurse. Grabbing the unicorn’s cheeks, Philomena stared into her eyes. “What’s happening?! What is Phil—I mean, Princess Luna, doing?!” Twilight pulled Luna off by her tail feathers, despite her protesting, and spat her out.
The nurse, no longer being hugged by the phoenix, calmed herself enough to answer. “It’s the strangest thing. She called in some reporters and when they arrived she started showing them her baby pictures.” Luna’s beak dropped all the way to the floor as the nurse squealed. “And they were so cute!”
“Reporters... baby pictures... myself as a filly?” repeated Luna as her left eye started to twitch.
***
Philomena smiled, trying her best to hold back her laughter, as the reporters continued to flash photographs of a certain blue alicorn in her diaper years. Quills were scratching notebooks furiously; some even caught fire. Looking around, she noticed that even some of the guards and advisors were checking out the shared photos, giggling at the cute photos.
She turned to an advisor, who held the book of memories in his magical grip, and began to push the pages, looking for another good one. Philomena made a mental note to try to get a decent hoof on pony magic before she planned out her next prank. Finding a good page, she pointed to one of the photos, and the advisor used his magic to pull it out and present it to the audience.
It showed a filly Luna taking a bath in washtub, a rubber ducky in her mouth and a few other toys surrounding her. “This is a photo of my very first bath as a filly! Please note that I still use this rubber ducky, named Duke Ducky McQuackers III when I feel very lonely and sad.”
The bath photo was passed around and soon another was presented. This time it showed baby Luna in a big cherry outfit that dwarfed her whole body, showing only her head and limbs. “Oh, I got to wear this when my family and I went to a farmers' convention as guests. The cherry farmers gave me this as a gift, and I loved it so much that I refused to remove it for three days! I didn’t even let my parents change my diaper!”
Philomena grinned as the reporters worked twice as fast. She could just imagine the headlines in the papers, and Luna’s reaction when she read them. Sometimes it pays to be the pet of a big sister who likes scrapbooking.
“Oh, this is a good one!” cried out Philomena, as the next one came up. “This is when I ate too much cake on my birthday and barfed all over my sister!”
***
Meanwhile, everypony in the hospital wing was staring at a shaking Luna as flames enveloped her body. “She’s... showing... my... baby.... photos?!”
Helm Breaker gulped and whispered to his fellow ponies. “I think we’d all better duck and cover our ears.”
Nopony disagreed with him, and they all dived under a bed, shaking in fear. A split second later, a wave of fire nearly engulfed the room as the enraged alicorn-turned-phoenix unleashed the power of the Canterlot Royal voice, louder than she ever had before.
"PHILOMENA!"
***
While Spike had to admit that cleaning up the library was always a tedious chore, one that he had to do more often than necessary, seeing it completely stacked and organized made him feel a warm, scally glow inside. He looked over his hard work from the loft; not a single scratch or hint of dust lay before him. The books were all stacked in their proper order, and all the trash had been picked up and sent outside for the garbage ponies to pick up. Best of all, he now had time to relax and enjoy the wonderful, sunny day.
Just as he walked down and opened the door, he squinted at the odd weather in the distance. A rapidly approaching gust of wind was hurtling outwards from Canterlot, whipping up dust from miles away. The leading edge of the ring raced towards him, the massive blast of wind scattering the thatch roofs of Ponyville’s houses. A concussive blast ripped through Spike in the form of an inarticulate shriek as it tripped his legs out from under him. Spike held his ears and pressed himself to the floor as the windows and various china shattered from the high volume. The books fell from their platforms and onto the once-clean floor, while various furniture bounced around, knocking about expensive vases and framed artwork Twilight kept around.
And just as quick as it came, it was over, a ringing silence and sudden downfall of leaves remaining behind. Holding his pounding head, Spike slowly got back on his feet, only to gasp at the horror that had become of the library. All his hard work. Gone. Just like that. He fell to his knees and screamed towards the ceiling with his fists in the air.
“Why do you hate me so?!”
***
The Doctor, known as Doctor Whooves to his pony friends, was making sure his TARDIS wasn’t acting up again, especially after that incident with the Cyberponies on planet Ixion. “Seriously, the paint jobs on a TARDIS are expensive enough as it is. I don’t want to spend hours looking at the deep space markets for spare parts. Most you get these days is a couple of hand-me-downs from the thirty-sixth century!” said the time-traveler as he flipped some switches with one hoof while stroking the control center of the TARDIS with the other.
Just as he was about to put in the coordinates for Ponyville in the year 1003, the TARDIS began to shake like it was under attack. Then again, considering the type of lifestyle The Doctor led, it wasn’t a stretch of the imagination. Struggling for his balance, The Doctor turned on his computer monitor and examined the readings. “What? That can’t be right! It says here that this is some kind of high-frequency sound that’s so loud it’s breaking time and space?! How is that even possible?!”He was about to activate further test programs when he heard a scream that echoed in his ears before leaving them ringing. The Doctor stood up straight and rubbed his chin. “Philomena? Where have I heard that name before? A planet? A race? A type of pudding?”
Before he could ponder more on it, the shaking stopped and the readings from the TARDIS returned to normal, indicating that the sound was gone. This only made The Doctor grin. “A frequency strong enough to break into the space-time continuum. Amazing! I just hope it doesn’t cause too much damage...”
***
Megan looked around the battlefield. Her friends, the ponies who came to her for help, were all lying on the ground, exhausted from their struggle. Looking up, she saw that their foe, Tirac, was looking quite confident in himself. The Rainbow of Darkness was glowing behind him, filling him with all the power he needed to conquer the land. Clutching the heart shaped necklace around her neck, she gritted her teeth. They still had one more trick up their sleeves...
“Give it up! You fools cannot hope to match the power of my darkness!” cackledTirac,.
“You’re wong, Tirac!” shouted Megan as she and her pony friends looked up in defiance. She ripped off her necklace and held it up high. It shined a bright light that caused Tirac to step back, fear dancing across his features. “That’s right, Tirac! Behold! The Rainbow of Light! The one thing that can stop your evil plans once and for all!”
As she reached to unlock the key to ending this nightmare, a voice suddenly burst out of nowhere...
"PHILOMENA!"
Megan, like the others, held her hands against her ears before realizing her mistake. She watched as the necklace dropped into a nearby crack in the ground... and disappeared. After staring at the hole in the ground for a full minute, she slapped her palm against her forehead.
“Well... crap...”
***
“I will murder her!” screamed Philomena, flying around, flames dancing off her wings. The others had come out from under the beds, while the nurse was staring at her burned hospital wing in horror. “Her flesh will melt and I will scatter the ashes of her bones across the four winds! Mothers will tell their foals of the horrible bird who was utterly humiliated by the angry Princess Luna to make them obey and eat their spinach! Even the creatures of Tartarus shall lose their bowels upon hearing the wailing cries of Philomena, the Phoenix of Evil!”
“Technically, since Philomena is in your body, wouldn't you be murdering yourself?” asked Helm Breaker, only to get a spine-chilling glare in return. “J–just saying...”
Twilight attempted to place a calming hoof on the heavily-breathing phoenix, before snapping back a now slightly scorched limb. “Princess Luna, you need to calm down. I know this is a lot to take in, but the most important thing to do now is create the cure for poison joke and have you and Philomena switch your bodies back, before the public notices.”
“Do you not think I know that, Twilight Sparkle?!” screeched Luna. “Do you think I enjoy having to be in this body while Philomena is in mine and ruining... my... reputation...”
Luna’s eyes went wide as she gently floated to the ground and began to rub her chin in thought. Twilight turned to the guards, but they were just as confused as she was. The princess-turned-phoenix then started to pace and mumble to herself for a few minutes until she cried out in joy, a mischievous smile on her face. “That’s it! I have it!”
“Have what?” asked Piercing Valor.
With a smug smile, she answered, “Oh, my dear Piercing Valor. Philomena thinks she’s clever, but she’s forgotten one thing in her little plan to further humiliate me. She may be in my body, but I am also in hers!”
“Wait a minute...” Twilight’s eyes began to widen as she stared at the grinning phoenix. “Don’t tell me you’re going to....”
“No time, Twilight Sparkle! I have a reputation to ruin! You and my guards can go work on making the bath cure! I shall join you shortly, with Philomena. After some fun,” said Luna, as she flew out the door and into the castle halls. “Tally ho!”
Twilight was about to voice her opinion, but quickly shut her mouth and shook her head. Piercing Valor walked up to her and asked, “Should we follow her?”
“No, and I doubt we can change her mind. Let’s just hope neither of them do something that they’ll regret,” replied Twilight, heading towards the door. “Let’s just get the cure ready, and hope my friends can wake up Princess Celestia before all of Canterlot is in ruins from those two.”
The two guards nodded and followed Twilight into the halls, but in a different direction from Luna flew, all the while hoping the two feuding immortals didn’t tear down Canterlot in their wake.
***
Philomena had expected Princess Luna to barge into the throne room, inside her own body, and start squawking like a chicken in fury. Naturally, everypony had heard the scream, but Philomena was shocked to hear Princess Luna’s voice—it had to be her, nopony else screamed that loud—that neatly caused all the ears in the castle to bleed. Suspecting that Luna could somehow talk in her new body, despite never learning how to on her own, Philomena waited for Luna to come barging in as always. To her surprise, it didn’t happen. She dismissed the reporters, even giving them a few photos to use for their respective papers, and waited.
Time passed, and she still didn’t see a single feather from what she assumed would be a raging phoenix. Scratching her head, Philomena thought, Is she hiding from me? Maybe I should continue with my other embarrassing plans while I have the chance.
Her attention was soon diverted when one of the guards walked in and bowed. “Your majesty, Princess Celestia’s bird asked me to deliver this to you.”
Philomena’s eyebrows shot up. “Wait. Lu—I mean—Philomena? She sent me something?”
“Yes.”
Philomena grumbled before holding her hoof out for the message. The guard levitated it to her, bowed, and then left. Taking the letter, she ripped it up and saw what looked to be a poster for a—Philomena’s jaw dropped. “No... she wouldn’t... that’s... it’s...”
She scanned the poster again, then a third time. Even a fourth time to be extra sure. For the first time since their little prank war started, Philomena felt the cold, tingling sense of fear wash over her like a bucket of ice water. She checked the date and then the nearby sundial and cursed herself. She had to get there before her own reputation was ruined, and, if she could, beat the living eggs out of that accursed princess.
Without warning, she jumped out of her seat and made a beeline for the doors, stunning all who watched her leave without saying anything. One of the guards noticed the poster left on the floor and picked it up. “The 46th Annual Canterlot Dress Your Pet Up Beauty Pageant?”
***
Philomena cursed herself for not knowing how to teleport. If she were in her own body, she would be at the pageant in less then a second, but the accursed alicorn magic was still too confusing for her to control. She tried getting herself to teleport once on her way to the pageant, only to cause a bunch of melons at a nearby food stand to suddenly crack open like eggs and let loose a flock of flying oranges.
Yeah, magic was weird.
Not evening bothering to check herself in, Philomena bursted into the pageant, where she found the most horrible crime pet owners could commit. The unspoken sin that all pets, from dogs to birds, cats to alligators, despised: dress-up The sight of dogs, cats, birds, lizards, and even fish all dressed up in ridiculous props and outfits was a sight that made Philomena want to shield her eyes. There was a dog dressed up like he was somepony’s pasta dinner, complete with a set of fake meatballs; a cat that had a horrible stitched penguin costume and looked like it could barely see; and, of course, somepony dressed their dog as a pretty little princess... even though their owner was clearly blind or stupid since her dog was a male.
Every single one of the pets looked like they wanted to kill themselves, while their cheeky little owners smiled and kissed them for being absolutely adorable Philomena shivered, promising herself to use Luna’s form to outlaw such a travesty effective immediately. She made her way through the crowd, grateful that most of the audience was i focusing their attention on a parrot dressed like a clown that was juggling plates on a large stage with purple curtains. His act soon ended with all three plates falling into pieces despite his efforts, but everypony clapped anyway. Spotting a door that lead backstage, Philomena pushed herself through the crowd, earning her a few surprised stares, hoping that she could find Luna before—
“And now, fillies and gentlecolts!” cried out a voice as the lights went dim. A series of spotlights danced around the curtains as a drum roll started. “We have a very special contestant today! Please welcome, from the Royal Castle itself, the prized phoenix of Princess Celestia...”
Oh... Faust... no...
“... Philomena!”
The tune of a country song started to play as the curtains opened, revealing a sight that would scar Philomena for the rest of her life. Walking down the stage, shaking her tail feathers rather provocatively, was herself, all dressed up in pink cowpony shoes, a pink cowpony hat, a tanktop, and a skirt that barely seemed to stick. ‘Philomena’ posed on stage and shouted, in a terrible stereotypical southern accent, “Hey ya’ll! Here comes Philomena Boo Boo!”
She continued to sashay around the stage, doing a few kicks and poses as cameras went wild. Ponies screamed about how adorable she was and how they wished their pets were as cute, making the said pets turn green at the thought. Philomena watched in wide-eyed horror as Luna started to dance and twist Philomena’s body around in a style that reminded the former phoenix of her owner’s student. If this was a pony, others would just shy away and never look again, but somehow Luna made it look... adorkable. She looked around and saw the audience clapping and rooting for the new ‘star’ of the pageant. They were even throwing flowers onto the stage.
They like this?! They like this?! What is wrong with society today?! thought Philomena. It didn’t even help that Luna was actively engaging herself with the audience. They demanded a pose, she did it. They asked her to say something, she said it. And worse of all Luna was making it look like ‘Philomena’ was enjoying it.
Gulping, the real Philomena slowly turned her head towards the other pets, who were looking at the performing bird with shame or rage. She didn’t blame them. She was Princess Celestia’s pet, and, while not their princess or anything, she was supposed to set an example for pets everywhere. Now she could feel her reputation slowly evaporating into thin air.
Still dancing, Luna turning around and shook her her tail feathers at photographers for pet magazines. “Get a good look at it boys. ’Cause them other pets ain’t gonna beat this honey boo boo chicky!”
The real Philomena wanted to crawl under a rock and die, but she also wanted to take Luna by the neck and squeeze until her head came off. Suddenly, one of the camera ponies asked, “Philomena! What’s your secret?!”
Luna smiled and nodded to a pony off stage, who tossed her a plastic bottle filled with green liquid. “It’s all thanks to this special juice that Princess Celestia gives me all the time. It’s got ten ounces of sugar, two cups of coffee, three pixie sticks, and seven cans of Red Minotaur! Just give this to your pets and they’ll be energized enough to do five pageants in one day!”
The crowd gasped as they all wrote down the ingredients at once, the pets crying at the idea of doing more horrible, soul-crushing pageants. A few were trying to break free from their owners, foaming at the mouth and looking ready to kill the phoenix in a bloody massacre. Philomena knew it wouldn’t take long for word to spread that not only was she the only pet who seemed to enjoy pageants, but that she was encouraging them!
Wasting no time, Philomena jumped on stage and grabbed Luna by the back of her tanktop, much to the surprise of the audience. She dragged the kicking phoenix to the back of the stage, tossed Luna at the wall and shouted, “What in Faust’s name are you doing?!”
Luna gave a sinister grin. “What? You don’t like it when the horseshoe is in the other hoof?”
“Do you have any idea what you’ve done! My reputation is going to be ruined when word of this spreads across Canterlot!” shouted Philomena, eye twitching.
"Actually, I think some of those photographers were from other cities too, so I think you meant ‘all across Equestria’,” pointed out a smug Luna.
Shaking with rage, Philomena glared back at Luna with with single-minded determination. “So that’s how we’re going to play, huh? You forget, I’m in your body as well. I can ruin your reputation just as much as you can mine. That baby photo thing? Only the tip of the icing, Luna.”
“I’ve got a few of tricks of my own, Philomena.”
The two arch-enemies continued to stare at each other, neither backing down. Philomena licked her lips. “Well, then it looks like we’re going to have to see which one of us caves first. And I intend to make sure you are the laughing stock of the entire kingdom when this day is over.”
“Oh, trust me. By the end of the day, we’ll be holding multiple funerals for a poor phoenix who died repeatedly from embarrassment,” scoffed Luna before walking away. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get ready for the swimsuit contest.”
Philomena slapped her hoof into her forehead. “They have a swimsuit contest? Really? What is with these ponies?”
Luna shrugged. “Hay if I know. I’ve been gone for a thousand years.”
Philomena watched the retreating phoenix with a snarl, but soon smirked. If Luna wanted to take this up a notch, she was going to do just that. We’ll see who has the last laugh at day’s end, Luna!
Author's Note
There we go everyone. The next chapter. I hope you enjoyed it. Please leavea review.
Palace Perils
By The Rated Ponystar
Formerly Edited by Fernin, tayman2037, and Clavier
Edited by: Adjudicator and Unnamed Pawn
***
This was truly a glorious day for Prince Blueblood. As a prince of Equestria, born into the highest family of nobility, he had many duties before him. Such duties included setting an example for nobility by only tasting the finest foods and drinking the finest wine. He had to show others their place in this world; especially those commoners . And naturally, a prince’s duty was to serve any princess in dire peril. Looking into the mirror once more, he grinned at this reflection, taking notice of the slight glimmer in his perfect, white teeth. Reaching out for his breath spray, he spritzed a bit of mint into his mouth for a refreshing taste.
“Come on already! Will you hurry it up?” demanded the annoying pink one outside his room. He scoffed, but held his tongue for now. He only tolerated her because it was she who told him of the beautiful foreign princess from Saddle Arabia, who had been placed under some sleeping curse. His Aunt Luna had brought the princess to the castle to protect her from the evil witch who cast the sleep spell, and she had tasked him to be the one to awaken her.
Apparently, only a kiss from a true prince could awaken her from her eternal sleep; just like in the fairy tales. The pink one had told him that he was the only one who could save the princess, and he accepted the task without a second thought. After all, he was a brave and noble prince, loved by all. Why, even the fair ladies of Canterlot couldn’t help but run away from him, knowing that one look upon his handsome face would instantly melt their hearts with affection. It truly was great to be popular and noble.
Turning to his guide, Blueblood puffed out his chest and raise his chin. “Let us be off, pink one. The hero of the day is ready to save this poor princess from her ghastly fate!”
“Okay!” cheered the pink one, “follow me!”
He raised his eyebrow as she bounced into the hall, but shrugged off his dismay at such childish behavior and followed. They passed a few corridors before reaching what he recognized to be his Auntie Celestia’s room, much to his confusion. Before he could ask, the pink one suddenly dashed behind him and proceeded to blindfold his eyes. “W-what on earth are you doing?! Stop this!”
“Relax, Princy!” reassured the pink one. “This is going to be a surprise! It would be better if you kiss her first and see her face second!”
“But I—.” Before Blueblood could finish, he was shoved none too gently forward until he felt his front legs slam into what felt like the side of a bed. He felt around, trying to get a grip on where he was, until he felt the softest fur in his entire life. He gasped at the jolting, warm touch under his hooves, slowly recognizing it as a mare’s chest. With a lewd grin, Blueblood continued to spread his hooves around, feeling every inch of the princess’s smooth and delicate chest. Moving upwards, he felt her shoulders and soon was cupping the cheeks of her face.
Blueblood straightened himself and smiled. “And now my beloved princess, your curse shall be lifted!” He lowered his head, puckering his lips out to meet those of the Saddle Arabian princess. Their lips connected as Blueblood moaned in pleasure. Such taste! Truly divine!
As he continued to make out with the sleeping princess, he picked up a series of snorts and giggles. Snapping his head up, he growled. How dare somepony interrupt our moment!
He ripped off the blindfold with his magic, ready to give the interrupters a piece of his mind when his eyes gazed down at his ‘beloved’. His fur turned an even paler white as the blindfold fell to the floor, his magic grip fizzling away. His mouth slowly opened and closed as he pressed his hooves against his lips; lips he wished he could rip off and toss into a jar of acid. There was a princess that lay before him, but not one from Saddle Arabia.
“A-auntie... Celestia?” whispered Blueblood in horror as the realizations started seeping into his brain. “I... I just... I just kissed my own aunt! Augh!”
Screaming bloody murder, the prince fled through the halls, haunted by visions of his lips touching those of his own flesh and blood. His once pure lips had been soiled by the taste of impure behavior! He was soiled, tarnished! His perfect and virtuous image ruined! Not since the cake incident at the Grand Galloping Gala had he felt a need to throw himself off a cliff and let death take his soul away.
The prince continued to scream, shocking all who he ran into. The last anypony saw of Blueblood was him rushing out of the palace and towards Canterlot gates.
***
“Did you see his face! Gahaha!” cried out Rainbow Dash, holding her sides. “He looked like he was about to faint right there!”
“Tee hee!” giggled Pinkie Pie. “Too bad that idea didn’t work. I was sure a kiss from a prince would work like in those stories.”
Rainbow Dash shook her head, before picking up her camera off the floor. “Look at the bright side. We got some blackmail material for anypony who wants to see Prince Bluebutt embarrassed.”
At that same moment in Ponyville, a certain dressmaker suddenly felt as if her purse was going to get lighter in the near future.
***
If the artists of Canterlot could teach anypony a simple lesson, it was that the lifestyle was always a pain in the flank. On the off chance that you managed to make it in the world of art, you had to deal with tons of rivals who always tried to compete for your clients’ affections. Clients who held good money and prestige that could make you immortal in history, should you play your cards right. Naturally, the most highly valued clients were the princesses.
Every artist would gladly cut off their ears just to paint, sketch, or sculpt something for the royal family; even Blueblood was a welcomed subject, in spite his attitude. If you managed to create something that any of them liked, it was fame, fortune, and a golden future for you. Needless to say many artists were excited to learn that Princess Luna had requested all the top artists in their respective fields to come to the palace at once.
Inside the throne room, nearly fifty ponies of all three tribes were talking amongst one another while keeping a close eye on the competition. Numerous reporters were also there, hoping to find more news to scoop following the cute filly pictures of Princess Luna. Finally, a guard announced the arrival of the princess of the night, and all present bowed before her as she trotted forth.
“Good afternoon, artists of Canterlot!” Philomena greeted the gathered ponies with a smile on her face. “I have summoned you all here because I am in need of your expertise!” The crowd of anticipating artists smiled, some shaking so badly they lost their grip on their art tools. “You see, I too have decided that I wish to undertake the mastery of the arts. As such, I believe I have found a new painting style that I wish to share with you all so that future generations will be inspired.”
“Um, Princess Luna?” asked one unicorn with a gravel tool as his cutie mark. “Not all of us are painters, how are we supposed to help?”
“Well, any opinion is a good opinion, wouldn’t you say?” asked Philomena, tilting her head. The unicorn shrugged and put his hoof down. “Now then, follow me to where I have prepared everything.”
Leading the way, Princess Philomena ordered one of the guards to come to her side as they made their way through the halls. She quickly glanced at the crowd she was leading, noticing that most of them were whispering among themselves, questioning what sort of style the princess had created on her own. Smirking, she turned back to the guard and quietly asked, “Have you been keeping tabs on her?”
“We have,” answered the guard, nodding. “Last reports say that Philomena was headed towards a foals’ reading group.”
Philomena nearly paused in her step. Raising an eyebrow, she tried to think of how reading to children was going to be reputation-damaging. Surely there wasn’t anything wrong with reading, right? Unless... Her chest tightened in sudden fear.
“She’s not reading them anything...pornographic , is she?” asked Philomena, terrified of the idea of herself teaching foals the birds and the bees. She let out a sigh of relief when the guard shook his head. “But then what is she reading them? Scientology , by Ron Hoofard? Cockatrice Soup ? That sparkling vampire series?”
“I don’t know, it looked to be some red colored book with a yellow star on it,” answered the guard. “Probably something about stars and planets and such.”
Before Philomena could question him further, the group of artists and Luna arrived at one of the castle ballrooms. Pushing the doors open, she walked inside with everypony else. The artists immediately took notice of the multiple paint cans and the walls that had been covered in thick white sheets. The imposter Princess Luna strode to the middle as she took an open can of orange paint and poured it onto a paint roller tray.
Turning to the group she said, “Now, I want you to watch carefully! This is my new art style and it shall revolutionize the world!”
Every artist leaned forward in anticipation while the reporters took out their cameras and held their quills at the ready. Philomena turned around and grinned, anticipating the look on their faces as she slowly lowered her rump. The eager smiles on the watching crowd slowly disappeared to confusion and then utter shock as Philomena carefully, and slowly, began to use her rear as if it was a paint roller. Everypony’s art tools fell to the floor with their jaws. Some tried to say something, but were hushed by their neighbors as all eyes were fixated on the royal plot slowly turning orange as it swished back and forth; even the guards couldn’t help but stare.
Remembering what they were, the reporters snapped out of it first and began to write down everything they could possibly put into words. Already they could see the money fall from the sky at the thought of the front page news: “Princess Luna invents butt-art!” A few were even planning on secretly selling some extra photos to local adult magazines for quick cash.
Feeling she had painted her arch-enemy’s rump enough, Philomena then made her way to the papered walls and splattered her backside against it. A few artists fainted as they watched Princess Luna’s rump bump, splat, and even swipe across the white sheets of paper in ways that were both provocative and horrifying to the mortal eye. Philomena would go back and rub her rump on more colors such as red, blue, black, brown, purple and more until nearly half the room was covered in splattered paint, most of the images being shapely flanks.
Dripping, and with a multicolored behind, Princess Luna turned to the pale artists. “So? What do you think?! Is this not the most amazing style you have ever seen?”
There was a long silence amongst the crowd of ponies who felt torn between two answers. Normally, one doesn’t tell a princess that something they’re doing is wrong. It was unfathomable. Yet if they agreed to this... abominable style, then it would spread like wildfire across Equestria and surely cause the downfall of modern art. Already, artists were planning to chalk up the news of Princess Luna’s new technique as insanity so that none would have to deal with her ever again.
Philomena, struggling to keep down a knowing smirk, tilted her head and asked ‘innocently’, “Do... do you not like it?”
The relief was palpable as the assembled ponies were spared having to answer. The doors burst open, a guard pony galloping in, his chest heaving. “Princess! Come quick! The castle is under attack!”
Everypony gasped. Philomena jerked her head back in shock, stammering, “W-what?”
“We don’t have time!” shouted the guard, looking about him like a monster was about to leap out and swallow him whole. “They arrived so suddenly and took us all by surprise! I don’t know how many of them there are! They’re all screaming about a revolution to overthrow the government!”
“Who?! Who is it?!” demand Philomena, eyes darting about to find the nearest escape route.
“Well, the funny thing is they’re all foaaaugh!” he cried out as a water balloon suddenly smacked him on the back of the head. Two small figures with rope darted through the doors and wrapped it around his legs, sending him crashing to the ground.
Everypony stared in shock at the two foals, each wearing red face paint and screaming, “Revolution! Revolution! Down with the nobles!”
“... what?” asked Philomena, tilting her head in disbelief.
One of the foals glanced up at her while he and his partner were busy hogtying the guard. “Surrender, Princess Luna! For too long, us farmers, laborers, and lower class ponies have had to give our sweat, tears, and blood to a corrupted nobility! You and your greedy filth have taken advantage of us little ponies for far too long! But Great Leader Philomena has taught us the truth of this capitalist plot to see class inequality last forever! United as one class, we shall make it so that all ponies are equal and create a true utopia!”
“... again, what?” asked Philomena. This is the enemy that has decided to attack us? Foals? Wait, did he just say Philomena? Slowly more and more foals, dressed in war paint and some carrying a red flag with a sickle and feather crossing one another, hurtled into the ballroom through doors, windows, and in the case of one particularly small filly, the floor vents. The symbol was enough to make her remember what it was associated with and her thoughts turned back to the book that Philomena had been reading to them. One that was bright red with a yellow star. Oh, you have got to be kidding me! Colt Marx?! Really?!
“Attack, comrades! For the revolution!” shouted the foal.
“For the revolution!” they screamed together as they charged forward with baseball bats, dodgeballs, paintball guns, squirt guns, water balloons and other children’s toys. The guards and artists both were helpless against the veritable swarm of fillies and colts who swarmed in and started jumping on the poor adults, who couldn’t find it in them to strike foals. Philomena took to the air, desperate to escape, but was grounded by a hail of rocks, small toys, and whatever else the foals could hurl at her with their slingshots. The young pegasi took to the air and started spitting on her, much to her disgust.
She scrambled to her hooves and dashed out the room, continuing her escape through the halls. The walls were stained with hoof paint, the floor littered with muddy hoofprints; Philomena couldn’t help but pity the castle cleaning service that would take hours cleaning the mess, even with magic. Glancing past the windows as she fled, she saw the guards and other nobles who hung around the palace also being assaulted by the little demons. They were tying them up and forcing them to eat broccoli, drawing funny marks on their faces, screaming in high pitched voices that made them cover their ears, all while ruining their clothes and stealing their bits.
How many foals were at this reading thing?! All of Canterlot?! thought Philomena as she watched a pair of tied up guards being given wet willies in their ear. Equestria’s finest can’t even handle a bunch of brats?! Turning a corner, she came to a sudden halt in mid air upon seeing three large toy cannons aimed at her.
“Fire!”
Thick purple wads shot out and slammed her against the wall, the sticky goo pinning herself in place. Philomena tried to pull herself free, but it was too strong. An overwhelming odor of grape filled her nostrils; it was chewing gum.
“Having fun?”
Philomena opened her eyes to none other than herself, wearing an ushanka with the sickle and feather cross in the middle. The foals cheered and gathered under the waving Philomena. “We did it, Great Leader Philomena! We have overthrown the tyrannical Princess Luna!”
“Excellent work, comrades! Now we all know what we must do next, right?” said Great Leader Luna as she gave a sweating Philomena a sinister grin.
The foals all cried out various answers:
“Give her a swirly!”
“Make her eat paste!”
“Pee on her!”
“Cover her in leeches!”
“Sacrifice her soul to the almighty dark one, Salugha, so that he may rise from his eternal slumber and usher in his thousand year kingdom of darkness and insanity! Let all the heretics burn for their doubts! BURN!”
Everypony stared at the foal who suggested this, slowly stepping away from him. He looked around asking, “What? That’s what my parents do when they play Call of Ponthulu.”
“Anyway...” said Luna, rolling her eyes. “Those are all very good suggestions, but I have a better idea!” She plucked one of her feathers off. “Find a feather and tickle the tyrant into submission! Aim for the back of her neck, that’s her weak spot!”
“Yeah!” cried out the foals as they removed the struggling Philomena, still covered in sticky gum, from the wall and dragged her down the halls.
“Luna!” shouted Philomena, not even caring about appearances anymore. “You can’t keep this up forever!”
“Don’t worry! They’ve only got two hours until their parents have to pick them up back at the library,” shouted back Luna. “That should be plenty of time for “Philomena” to parade around with her “army” and proclaim herself ruler.”
Before she was carried around the corner, Philomena, for the first time, unleashed the might of the Royal Canterlot Voice. “LUUUUNNNNAAAA!”
***
“Did you hear something?” asked Pinkie as she continued flicking a feather on Princess Celestia’s face. The princess’s forehoof quickly reacted and slapped at her face, but the eyes of the sun-raiser were still shut. “Sounds like something crazy is going on out there.”
“Eh, this place always has something crazy going on; more so than usual, these days,” said Rainbow Dash, shrugging her shoulders. She sat down and yawned. “Man, I’m getting tired. Who would’ve thought waking up a semi-comatose princess was such hard work. Let’s take a break.”
“Okay!” Pinkie Pie tossed the feather away and sat down next to Dash. She pulled out a scroll and unrolled it, licking her lips in concentration. “Wowie-zowie, we’ve gone through nearly the entire list already!”
“Let me see that,” said Rainbow Dash, taking the scroll, her eyes scanning it. “Water in the face. Party poppers. Alarm clock. Banging pots. Banging pots with head covered by a pot. Dubstep. Farting in the face. Cowbell. Screeching in the ear. Belly tickling. More cowbell. Smelling salts. Geez, we really have done nearly everything...”
“Yup, and poor Princess Celestia is still sleeping in dreamland.” Pinkie pointed to the peacefully slumbering princess who, despite being abused terribly without her knowledge, looked no less radiant than before.
Rainbow Dash rubbed her chin. “You know... I wonder what she’s dreaming about that’s keeping her so calm anyway. Knowing her she’s probably just sitting on her throne, drinking tea, and watching everypony play around and frolick....”
***
“Incoming!”
The concussive blast from the mortar shells nearly knocked Celestia off her hooves, but she managed to find her balance and duck into the nearby fox hole. Lifting her assault rifle, she sprayed down a continuous amount of covering gunfire as her fellow marines continued pushing further into no-man’s land. Yet for every inch of ground they gained, they lost more and more good ponies in the assault.
“Commander Celestia!”
Looking behind her, Celestia saw Captain Sparkle rush towards her position, using a shield spell to block incoming fire. When the unicorn hunkered down by her side and caught her breath, Celestia shouted for her to report while putting a fresh clip into her rifle. “Ma’am! We’ve managed to penetrate the enemy front lines! Captain Rainbow Dash and Lieutenant Rarity have also arrived with reinforcements, while Lieutenant Pie is laying down suppressive fire with artillery!”
“What about Captain Applejack and Lieutenant Fluttershy?!” demanded Celestia, ducking as a loose bullet grazed her ear. The solemn shake of Twilight’s head only made the commander curse. “Alright, tell Bravo and Delta Teams to regroup on our position. We’re gonna take over that bunker if it’s the last thing we—”
Before Commander Celestia could finish, a small, green pineapple-shaped object landed between the two. Gasping, Celestia shouted, “Grenade!”
The two dove out of the way as it detonated, sending debris and dirt everywhere. The ringing in Celestia’s ears made her almost want to take her combat knife and cut them off, but after a few moments she managed to stabilize her hearing. Reaching for her helmet, the commander looked around before noticing the motionless body of her Captain. “Twilight!”
She crawled towards her most loyal of marines and turned her over, nearly puking at the amount of blood and burn marks on her body. Gasping for air, Twilight looked at her commander and held her hoof, squeezing it tightly.
“Hang on, soldier! I’m gonna get a medic here, don’t you die on me!” shouted Celestia, holding back her tears.
“I’m sorry... I’m so sorry...” whispered Twilight before she shut her eyes and breathed her last.
“No...” muttered Celestia who looked at her fallen comrade. She pulled her head back and shouted, “Nooooooooo!”
She fought back the tears as much as she could as she slowly placed Twilight on the ground. Growling, she reached out with her magic for her gun, picking it up while ripping out a nearby machine gun mounted in the trench. Slowly rising to all fours, she took her bloodstained hooves and smeared Twilight’s blood across her face, daring her enemies to face her without fear in their hearts. Focusing on the bunker that she and her forces had been trying to take over for the past three hours, Celestia let out a cry and galloped forward, firing both guns at the same time.
“Come and face me, you motherbuckers!”
***
“I’m sure that no matter what dream she’s having, it’s nice and peaceful,” commented Pinkie Pie, giggling as Celestia’s smirk grew even wider in her sleep.
“I guess. So what’s next on list?” asked Rainbow Dash, looking at the scroll. “Lighting her mane on fire? Huh, guess we’ll get to see if that mane of hers is real or not.”
***
Failure. For the first time in her entire life, she had failed to get a prank done. It was ironic that the one who had managed to ruin her two hundred year streak of unstoppable pranks was none other than the one she pranked most. Luna had gotten close before, admittedly improving over time, but now Philomena was forced to deal with the aftermath of her failure as she sat upon the throne once more, still damp from the vigorous cleaning it took remove the gum.
Specifically, annoying parents who wouldn’t shut up.
“That bird of Celestia’s has corrupted my poor baby! She speaks of nothing but revolutions and state power now!”
“My son called me a fat capitalist pig who feeds on the blood of innocent, hard workers!”
“That bird needs to be hunted down and put in a cage!”
“No! Put her on the bloody moon!”
On and on they went, nagging to her about how ‘Philomena’ was a threat to society and her influence would cause the downfall of the next generation. Of course, Philomena was more worried about herself than their children. Not only had Luna managed to hurt her reputation by making both pets and ponies hate her, but she had completely dwarfed her own attempts to ruin the moon princess’s reputation. All while being forced to endure a tickle torture that nearly made her pass out.
Oh, I will get my revenge. This day isn’t over yet, dear Luna, and I will make your reputation suffer in the end! thought Philomena. When the grumbling of the crowd of ponies began to dwindle, Philomena cleared her throat. “Yes, I understand. I shall see to Philomena’s punishment later. Now, please be off.”
The angry parents said a few more words before slowly leaving one by one. Sighing in relief, Philomena got off her throne, joining a member of the Night Guard as he accompanied her towards the corridor. “Has there been any sign of her?”
“Sorry, Your Majesty. But nopony’s seen Philomena yet,” growled the guard. “Trust me, everypony in this entire castle wants to take that bird and turn her into ashes just so they can kill her again.”
Philomena gulped. Contrary to popular belief, being reborn wasn’t as fun as it sounded. She’d take a full week of tickle tortures before going through another of those regenerations so soon after her latest one. Note to self: after retrieving my body, I should take a long vacation to Vanhoofer.
“Anyway, Princess Luna, don’t worry about finding the phoenix; we’ll keep a sharp lookout for her. In the meantime, you should get to the Hoofgen Dazs Ice Cream Charity Fundraiser as soon as possible,” said the guard.
Philomena eyes widened and a smile stretched across her face. “I totally forgot about the ice cream fundraiser! I’ve been waiting to go all year with Cele-wait...”
She wanted to slap herself with her wing. Ugh, she’s still asleep! Worst of all, I’m in this body instead of my own! How could this get worse...
“Well, yes it was supposed to be a surprise. After all, this would be your first time going and Celestia was very excited at the thought of going with you,” said the guard.
Philomena felt her body suddenly chill. Wait... Luna was going to come too?! But... but it’s always been the two of us! Her shock soon made way for anger as Philomena growled to herself, wings flaring. The guard stepped back in shock, but Philomena didn’t care. Luna! Luna! Luna! Why does she have to be involved in everything we do now?! I wish I could just... wait a minute...
A thought suddenly lit up in her mind as she slowly developed a wicked smile. “Guard, this charity fund, can anypony donate treats? Even me?”
The night guard regained his composure and rubbed his chin. “Well, I suppose you could enter. Do you have something in mind that you wish to create?”
“Oh... I may have something...” said Philomena, rubbing her front hooves.
***
Luna had tasted victory before. She and her sister had taken on many evils in the past and defeated them all. Yet none of them compared to the wonderful feeling of triumph against Philomena. From what she had heard, her little plan to use the foals as mini-communist revolutionaries managed to interrupt Philomena’s own efforts to ruin her reputation. It made her nearly sick at the thought that her rump was used in such a grotesque way, but that was behind them now.
Yet despite this success, she knew Philomena would want payback by any means. Unfortunately, Luna was slowly realizing the fallout of her little coup, having been spotted by a few of the staff and chased nearly all over the castle. Because of the big target on her head, Luna had no choice but to hide and duck under cover as she continued to fly around the halls. Everypony, from the janitors to the guards, was searching for, in their words, “That Tartarus-spawned bird that I’ll strangle with a spiked chain and rip the feathers off of one by one, until I can make a coat out of them.” That one guard seemed particularly spiteful, in retrospect.
While she was glad ponies were finally seeing the infernal phoenix for what she truly was, Luna would rather have watched this inside her own body, not Philomena’s. I just have to make her crack. To give up and admit her faults! thought Luna as she hid inside the helmet of an abandoned set of knight armor.
After watching a pair of guards pass her location, Luna lifted the helmet up and flew on. Now where should I go if I want to find the latest gossip in the palace? Of course! The kitchens!
Destination set, Luna flew as fast she could towards the direction of the kitchens and saw the already open for her to fly through. When she entered the room, she was surprised by what could only be described as carnage. The entire kitchen looked like a warzone. Empty milk and ice cream cartridges were scattered all over the floor, some chocolate and others vanilla. The walls were painted with ice cream, sprinkles, and other ingredients. Dirty bowls overflowed all sixteen sinks and there was icing everywhere of flavors varying from strawberry to banana.
Before Luna could ponder more on the mystery before her, she heard hoofsteps coming into the kitchen and quickly flew into an open cabinet, slowly closing it just enough for her to peek through. Two unicorns in chef attire walked in, covered in frosting and cake batter.
One of them sat down and took off his chef’s hat to use as a fan. “Faust, that was a hassle. I’ll never complain about Princess Celestia’s cake orders again if it means never doing another order for Princess Luna.”
“Seriously, a hundred cakes in three hours? I can’t help but feel proud of that accomplishment,” said the other chef, puffing his chest out.
“I wonder what that special ingredient was that Luna wanted us to put in it - and where did she get so much of the stuff anyway?”
“Who knows? What the princess wants, she gets.”
A hundred cakes? pondered Luna, trying to figure out Philomena’s plan. What does she need them for?
The chef sitting down soon got up and made his way towards one of the freezer and waved his friend over. “Hey, check this out. I managed to quickly slice a piece off for us.”
His friend didn’t look too happy as he sternly hissed, “Dude! That was for the charity at the Hoofgen Dazs ice cream factory! That’s messed up!”
“It was only one slice! And besides, I’m curious about how it tastes.”
Philomena opened the door a bit wider as the chef with the cake levitated a bite into his mouth and started to chew. He gave a satisfied “hmm” and continued to eat the sweet dessert. Suddenly, he stopped, his eyes nearly popping out of his sockets. The cake fell to the floor as he started convulsing, back legs crossing as his forehooves held his stomach. He grunted and squealed in pain, his butter-yellow coat slowly turning an unhealthy shade of green.
“Dude, what’s wrong?!” asked his horrified friend.
“Ba... ba...”
“Yeah?!”
The groaning chef jumped up and screamed, “Bathroom!” He pushed his friend away and made a beeline for the nearby restrooms, slamming the door shut. Much to his friend’s, and Luna’s, disgust, the sound of his unfortunate state could be heard inside the kitchen. “Oh Faust! It’s like lava coming out of my butt!”
Luna shook her head and nearly gagged, only to gasp when she realized that there were at least a hundred of those cakes filled with whatever was making the chef physically ill. If Philomena plans to sell those at the charity, it will look like I made everypony eat the poisoned cakes, and then...
With no time to spare, Luna flew out of the cabinet and down the halls like a streak of red fire. The healthy chef spotted her for a second, but quickly returned his focus to his friend who screamed for a merciful death instead of the pain he was going through.
***
The annual Hoofgen Dazs Ice Cream Charity Fundraiser was one of the most anticipated events in Canterlot. Not only did the fundraiser take place in the ice cream factory itself, but from beginning to end there was an unlimited supply of free ice cream. Naturally, this attracted many families and ice cream lovers from all corners of Equestria. The brightly colored banners, endless concession stands and games, and even the creepy-yet-funny-looking ice cream cone mascots could make anypony smile.
Philomena was one of those smiling as she watched her guards continue to unload the various ice cream cakes she had the chefs make in record time. She watched as the visitors of the convention pointed and whispered in excitement. Not only was their ‘princess’ treating them, but the fact that each cake looked so divine and so delicious that everypony looked ready to dive in and fight for even a lick of the frosting. They won’t be smiling for long once they realize these cakes are laxative-flavored. The moment everypony starts loosening their bowels, Luna’s reputation is sure to go, shall we say, down the toilet?
Her stand was a simple one with just her name in blue and a few star cutouts from paper, but it didn’t matter. After all, when you were ‘Princess Luna,’ you were going to get attention no matter what. Philomena counted the cakes and noticed they were halfway setup. Won’t be long now....
“What is this?!”
Philomena’s ears went up as she turned around and saw a familiar unicorn pony stomping angrily towards her stand. Colgate pushed her snout into Luna’s and growled, “What the hay, Princess Luna! You supported my request to lower sugar and sweetening food for the sake of foals’ dental health, and now you’re serving them dessert?! What kind of backstabbing is this?!”
“Oh right, that dentist who had the slides and those sock puppets telling about the ‘evils of plaque,’” said Philomena nonchalantly. “What are you doing here?”
“I come every year with my protest group to tell Hoofgen Dazs to shut down their teeth-rotting garbage that is ruining the molars of today’s youth!” proclaimed Colgate, lifting her head proudly.
Luna looked behind the crazed dentist, but saw nopony except for a few confused bystanders. “And... where is your group of protesters?”
“Oh, they told me they were going to scout the place. Find the best locations so that the voice of the voiceless shall be heard! It’s good to have loyal friends such as them.”
***Meanwhile***
“Say, Berry?” asked Cheerilee, taking a moment to break away from her triple scoop sherbet cone. “Think you can pass me the chocolate sprinkles when you're done?”
Berry Punch nodded and hoofed them over before digging into her banana split with extra cherries. Lyra and Bon-Bon were coming back from the concession stands with their own ice creams, and sat down with their friends at the table. Lyra levitated a spoon, while asking, “Hey, girls? Do you ever free guilty that we’re taking advantage of Colgate’s crazed dentist protests every year?”
“Please, I need an excuse like this to get away from the school every so often,” said Cheerliee, taking a bit bite. “Besides, think of it this way: we’re sacrificing our teeth so that the foals won’t eat the ice cream they could be given.”
Lyra and Bon-Bon looked at each other before shrugging and dug into their desserts heartily, Bon-Bon asking, “Think we can get her to start protesting at Horshey’s Park in Fillydelphia?”
***
Philomena continued to look at her hoof dully as Colgate rambled on about her supposed betrayal. Turning her head, she noticed that her guards were taking the distraction as a chance for a break, some of them even looking at the cakes with obvious desire. She quickly put a stop to their actions, shouting, “Hey! No slacking off, and no eating the cakes! Back to work!” She then pointed to a still talking Colgate. “And get her out of here. I’m tired of listening to her rant. She’s worse than a Discordian Witness.”
The guards grumbled a bit, but went back to their labor. Two of them broke from the line and started dragging Colgate towards the exit as she screamed, “Traitor! Backstabber! You’re as rotten as the teeth that you only help promote! You have not heard the last of meeeee!”
Philomena rolled her eyes and continued to watch her workers press on. I really need to find more phoenixes to hang out with. Ponies are just plain crazy.
***
Luna had never thought she had missed the power of teleportation so badly as she did traveling to the factory. Granted, a phoenix could teleport, but Luna didn’t have the time to figure out her new innate powers. Arriving just near the side gates of the giant factory, she hid behind a trash can and started looking for an entrance inside. She cursed, seeing all the doors either fortified with chains or protected by security, not to mention all the windows that were shut tightly.
I have to find a way in, but how? thought Luna. The sound of a disturbance near the side entrance, as she saw two guards dragging a kicking and screaming blue unicorn, caught her attention. They tossed her over the wall with their magic where she landed in the garbage dump just across the street from the factory. Curious, Luna flew over where she asked, “You okay?”
Colgate spat out a rotten banana peel while rubbing her ear free from weeks-old cabbage. “I’m fine, no thanks to that backstabbing Princess Luna!”
“You saw... uh, the princess?” asked Luna.
“Yeah,” muttered Colgate looking up and noticing the phoenix for the first time. “Hey, aren’t you Princess Celestia’s bird? When could you talk?”
“Uh, trade secret,” lied Luna, scratching her neck. “A-anyway, you angered the princess?’
Colgate crossed her forelegs and scoffed. “No, she angered me! I’m going to get back in there and ruin her parade before she can sell any of those teeth-ruining cakes!”
The mentioning of the word ‘cakes’ made Luna stand up straight. Clearing her throat, she said, “Look, um...”
“Colgate.”
“Colgate. I’m also trying to stop Princess Luna from giving those cakes out. I propose we work together to stop her. Partners?” proposed Luna, holding her wing out.
Colgate raised an eyebrow and looked at the wing before carefully glaring at Luna. “Answer just one question...”
“Um, okay?”
“Do you brush your teeth twice a day?!” demanded Colgate pointing her hoof at the bird.
Luna paused. “But I don’t have any-”
“Answer the question!”
Luna eyed the glaring teeth-obsessed unicorn and slowly started to regret her choice. “Um, yes?”
Colgate instantly smiled and shook her wing. “Excellent! Allow me to call you my comrade in dental care!”
“Uh, sure,” muttered Luna.
Colgate jumped to the top of the dumpster on both rear legs and stood up tall. Pointing to the sky, she proclaimed, “Watch out, all you sugar snacks and rotten gums! The Dynamic Duo of Dentistry shall brush away all plaque in the name of justiiiiiiice!”
Luna winced as Colgate lost her balance and fell into the dumpster again. Shaking her head, she thought, What have I gotten myself into?
Author's Note
Sorry it took this long to get the next chapter in. We're close to finishing this folks, I promise. And yes there was a bit of toilet humor and I know how most people have opinions on that (I mostly share them), but I promise to keep it very minimum.
Palace Perils
By The Rated Ponystar
Formerly Edited by Fernin, tayman2037, and Clavier
Edited by: Adjudicator and Unnamed Pawn
This chapter is dedicated to anybody who has suffered injury or loss from ice cream related incidents. Especially to those who were victims of the Ice Cream Factory Destruction of May 10, 2002 from the terrorist organization known as K.N.D. who sabotaged the factory’s heating system that lead to the injuries and deaths of many suburban citizens.
... Who does put a heater in an ice cream factory?
***
“Say it,” ordered a smirking Colgate.
Cheerilee mumbled to herself as the two of them continued to follow their guide further into the strange lab. The vats of ice cream, each helpfully advertising various flavors, was being mixed with the strange blue liquid and later processed into cartons and labeled such. Cheerilee was more worried about the armed guards who looked to be as tough as the royal army than she was the dessert. One wrong move and Ponyville would have to search for a new teacher.
“Just say it,” taunted Colgate, making Cheerilee grit her teeth. “You know you want too.”
“Fine,” muttered Cheerilee. “You were right...”
“Ha! And you said I was crazy!” shouted Colgate before Cheerilee covered her mouth. A few of the nearby workers stared at them for a few seconds before going back to work.
“Do you want to get us killed?” whispered Cheerilee. “Look, I admit it. Something fishy and most likely illegal is going on here, but for now play it cool, or else we’re the ones that will be iced!”
Cheerilee removed her hoof while Colgate nodded. “I see; we pretend we’re part of their evil plan to destroy the world’s oral hygiene, and then, when they’re not looking, take them out from behind! Brilliant!”
“Sure, whatever,” said Cheerilee, rolling her eyes.
They stopped as their guide told them to wait and watched him march up the stairs to the evil cow scientist, who was busy sitting in a chair, stroking his beard. Bowing before his leader, he said, “Doctor Fuu Moochu, the final preparations are almost complete. We’re about ready to send out the mind controlling ice cream.”
“Excellent, Number Two!” shouted Fuu Moochu, rising from his seat. All the workers quickly stopped working and focused on their leader. “Everypony, your work is appreciated. Once I have taken over the world, I shall gladly reward you all by not liquefying your families and offering a discount coupon towards any ice cream you may buy in the future from our company.”
“Uh, sir,” asked one guard, raising his hoof. “Wouldn’t that put us mind control since all the ice cream you have is now going to erase all free will?”
“Yes, but it’s fifty percent off! That’s a good deal I say!” shouted Fuu Moochu, laughing.
“Um, sir, but what if one of us was lactose intolerant?” asked one of the science workers. The room suddenly went silent as Moochu’s eyes widen in shock before they narrowed in utter rage. The scientist gulped, nervously making his way backwards before two guards caught him and forced him to stay still.
“What... did you say... you were?” asked Fuu Moochu.
“I...I’m allergic... sir, to...to milk...” said the shaky scientist through chattering teeth.
“I see... well then, I have another gift for dairy haters such as yourself...” He pointed his hoof at the poor soul and ordered, “Take him to Detrot.”
Everypony gasped as the scientist was dragged away by his rear legs, screaming and hollering. “No! Sir, no! Anything but Detrot! Please! Kill me! Torture me! Make me watch Transponies: Revenge of the Fallen, but not Detrot! Noooooo! ”
Cheerilee and Colgate watched the screaming scientist until he was out the door to his awaited trip of doom. Colgate shook her head. “That is one, sick, evil cow.”
“Yeah,” muttered Cheerilee.
Fuu Moochu cleared his voice and gave out an evil laugh. “Now that that’s over with, let us finally begin! For a long time I have tried to conquer the world, but now at last my dream is at hoof! Soon the world shall bow before me and-”
“Incoming call from Animal Experiment Labs,” announced a computer-synthesized voice
Moochu groaned and turned to his giant computer screen showing a video feed from inside what looked to be a lab with mutated animals in giant test tanks. A guard saluted on the video screen before saying, “Sir, I hope I didn’t interrupt you.”
“Oh no, captain, I was just about to give my big, dramatic, evil speech. Not like it was anything important,” muttered Fuu Moochu who muttered something about a gas chamber before turning his attention back to the screen. “What is it?”
“Sir, I think we may have an intruder. Everypony in this section of the labs has been knocked out. What’s worse, experiment Three Four Two has escaped, but we’re doing our best to contain it.,” said the guard, just as a slimy tentacle holding a screaming unicorn guard by the waist was seen, smashing him against the wall.
“Help! I can feel it’s acidic slime digging into my flesh! It burns!” screamed the poor soul before he was dragged off screen screaming.
The guard appeared nonplussed at the situation devolving around him. “Sir, we think it might be... him...”
Whispers of fear began to spread amongst the gathered henchponies as Fuu Moochu flared his nostrils and cursed. Colgate and Cheerilee looked at each other in confusion. Who was him? Fuu Moochu looked at his guard and belted orders. “Double all patrols! Make sure to check every ventilation shaft we have! Keep all red barrels in locked containments, and for Faust’s sake, if somepony sees a cardboard box lying around in the middle of nowhere, don’t ignore it! I still haven’t forgotten when he used that to slip into the control center and stop the missiles in Saddle Arabia...”
“Will do sir, but what about the loose experiment?” asked the guard.
“Dear Faust, it’s trying to shove my skull through my mouth! How is this possible?! Augh!”
Fuu Moochu waved his hoof in the air nonchalantly. “Eh, just eliminate it; if it escapes, I’m sure it will crawl into the sewers with its tentacles and become the next Canterlot myth or whatnot. Over and out.”
Number Two cleared his throat and said, “Sir? Perhaps we should alert the other lab in section Forty-Nine? Just in case he
“Good idea, Number Two. Computer, get me in contact with the Biolabs Division,” commanded Moochu. The screen soon showed a griffin with a lab coat and goggles who saw his boss and bowed. “Doctor Clavier? I’m letting you know that one of our labs got hit with an intruder. We think you should be on the lookout for him as well. Especially considering you're carrying all the dangerous chemicals and such.”
“Don’t worry, sir,” saluted the griffin. “Despite the danger, my team and I have never had a single problem in our labs! We’re always alert, both with and without our work. Nothing can possibly-” he turned around and gasped. “Wait! Stop! Noooo! You have the mixture all wrong!”
A loud explosion followed by panicking screams made everypony in the main control center wince as static filled the screen. An “experiencing technical difficulties” message soon flashed on it and everypony was silent. Number Two stepped forward. “Um, shall I start preparations for the letters to their families?”
“Yes, and while you're at it, let’s also send them cheese and wine,” muttered Moochu as he nervously turned toward the crowd of silent workers. “Yes... well, um... where was I? Oh right,” he cleared his throat. “Now I shall rule the world and nothing can stop me! Muaahahaha! Now the time is right too-”
“Incoming new transmission.” said the synthesized voice from the monitor.
Moochu facehoofeded and groaned to himself as his face reddened and yelled at the computer. “Who dares to interrupt me when I’m about to do my evil speech? Whoever it is, I will drown you in liquid nitrogen!”
“Fu Moochu! Don’t ever use that tone of voice with me, young calf!” said an elderly voice. The evil cow eyes widened considerably as an old cow with grey hair and big glasses appeared on the screen, glaring. “You were supposed to call me yesterday! What kind of son forgets to give his dear old mother a call to see if she was okay! I could have had a heart attack, and you wouldn’t know until it was too late.”
“Moooommm!” whined Fu Moochu, gritting his teeth. “How many times have I told you to not call me when I’m doing my evil projects!”
“And how many times have I told you to get a real job!” argued Mommy Fuu as she continued to ramble on. “All the other girls at my bridge club tell me how proud they are that their sons are lawyers, athletes, and teachers, but what do I have to tell them? My son is a criminal who’s trying to take over the world and is wanted in nearly every country! Where did I go wrong with you? At least my other son didn’t grow up to be evil.”
“My brother works for the IRS! How much more evil can you get than working for those soulless demons?” pointed out Fuu Moochu.
“It’s a well respected job. And another thing!” shouted Granny Fuu, pointing her hoof. “为什么不是您讲话在您的人民讲话!是您羞愧？!”
“它是一个自由的国家!我可以做什么我想要!” cried out Fu Moochu, crossing his hooves over his chest.
“噢和这是从某人设法做他自己的专政。那总是您的问题，您是伪君子。” huffed Granny Fuu.
“跳跃在坟墓，巫婆!”
“您是耻辱!”
“Cover me, I’ve got a plan!” whispered Colgate, quickly disappearing into the crowd.
“Wait, Colgate!” shouted Cheerilee, but before she could do anything, Fuu Moochu’s continued argument with his mother drowned out her cries.
***
Although they had been tasked to find the heater and activate it, both Bon-Bon and Berry had ended up lost in a matter of minutes. The two of them tried finding another map to guide them towards their destination, but any they found were near a few other workers or guards. Since they didn’t feel like testing their luck a third time, the two mares decided to avoid as much confrontation as possible.
“Hey, Bon-Bon?” asked Berry as they were walking through the fourth floor. “Don’t you think this place looks a bit weird for an ice cream factory?”
“How so?” asked Bon-Bon.
The two stopped as Berry pointed back the way they came. “Well, what kind of ice cream factory has armed guards? Not to mention some of those rooms we passed were a bit... disturbing.”
“You mean that one where the cows were getting whipped for whipped cream?” asked Bon-Bon, tilting her head.
“Well, that and the ones that said ‘Torture Room’, ‘Armory’, ‘Attack Dog Kennels’, and ‘Brain Draining Machine’. Unless we’re back in school, I doubt that last one is needed,” pointed out Berry.
Bon-Bon rolled her eyes. “You're overthinking things. Berry. I think all our time dealing with Colgate’s insanity has messed around with your head.” She continued to move around the corner. “Sure, this place is a bit weird, but it’s not like it’s some kind of evil base.” Bon-Bon turned her head back forward only to find herself slamming into a heavy muscled earth pony in armor. He and his two buddies leveled spears at the two stunned mares.
“Who are you?! What’s your clearance level?”
“Uh...” said Bon-Bon slowly getting up. She glanced at Berry, who looked just as confused and scared, before she turned back towards the guards. Smiling sheepishly, she said, “Well, it looks like we made a wrong turn. We’ll just be heading back to our work stations and--”
“And what work station would that be?” asked the guard, growling.
“Uhhh...”
The stallion grinned and turned to his fellow guards. “Hey, boys? I think we got ourselves a few spies. Why don’t we take them to the torture room and show them what we do with spies?”
The two friends gulped as the guards inched closer, ready to apprehend them, when suddenly a small black marble like objects slipped between the entrance holes of a vent. When it landed, it bounced on the floor, getting everypony’s attention before it unleashed a thick smokescreen. Everypony coughed and tried to see through the obscuring fumes as a small figured kicked the ventilation panel open and dropped down.
Berry Punch and Bon-Bon could only just make out a small figure suddenly leap across the room and bring down the guards with cries of pain. The two tried to get a better look, but the smoke was too thick. When it finally cleared up, the two were shocked to see all three guards laying unconscious on the ground. But what shocked them even more was the fact of who, or what, it was that had been standing over them. They rubbed their eyes to make sure they weren’t dreaming of an alligator in a tux, smiling up at them with a calm expression. Two times they did this, Bon-Bon even slapping her own face to make sure that this was real.
“You know, ladies, if you wish to take a picture in thanks for saving your life, all you need to do is ask,” said Gummy with a suave growl.
***
Lyra had to admit, she loved it when a plan came together really well. With the chaos still steaming from the biggest food fight in Equestria, and Princess Luna still in the bathroom after eating one of her own poisoned cakes, she was able to gather all the remaining ones onto a large platform cart. Wiping the sweat from her brow, she looked at all ninety-nine remaining cakes and smiled before leaning a bit to the right to avoid a double chocolate fudge ice cream cone. “Alright, now to get these things out of here.”
Meanwhile, Philomena was coming out of the bathroom, still a bit green and holding onto her stomach while the guards tried to comfort her. If there was one thing she was grateful for while in this body, it was the power of an alicorn’s immune systems. “Princess Luna, are you alright? Should we get a doctor?”
Philomena was about to answer until she saw Lyra dashing away with the cakes and gasped. “Stop that unicorn and get those cakes back! Now!” ordered Philomena, pointing at the fleeing thief.
The guards only looked at each other with hesitation for a brief moment before chasing after Lyra. Lyra, in turn, saw that she had been spotted and rushed even faster, ignoring the food that managed to hit her in the face. The chase soon lead though the front doors and outside where Lyra came to a halt, trying to find an easy way to escape. This was enough for the three guards to tackle Lyra, but the impact caused her to lose control of the cart, their momentum giving it a final shove that slid it out into the street, slowly accelerating downhill.
“The cakes!” cried Lyra and the three guards as they got up and started chasing after it.
The cart continued to descend down into the streets, wildly careening left and right as Canterlot nobles dived out of the way and screamed. A couple of times the cart hit some bumps and some of the cakes fell onto the pavement or splattered the fashionable manes of screaming mares. Lyra and the three guards continued to chase after it, but Lyra was still no match for the athletically trained guards. Knowing she needed an advantage, she tried to think of a list of spells that could help her and only one came to mind.
It maybe a bit untested, but hands, don’t fail me now! cried out Lyra as she concentrated her magic on her horn. A yellow wisp of energy shot out and came into the form of a hand that shot out. The guards were stunned by the strange magical limb that came right over their shoulders and grabbed the handle of the cart. Lyra pulled herself forward and continued to hang onto the handle, blowing the fuming guards a raspberry as she shot past.
Just as she was about to bask in her glory, the guards all jumped towards her, grabbing Lyra by the hooves and the others grabbing their partner’s, forming a chain that was hanging in midair. The ponies all yelled as the cart turned to the next street.
“Under the orders of Princess Luna, we demand that you halt!” cried the guard closest to Lyra. “You will cease and desist before we,” he then gasped as he saw where the cart was heading towards, “head straight for the farmer’s market!”
The four screamed as they crashed through a tomato stall, but didn’t stop there as tons of other fresh produce stalls were smashed along the way. Farmers screamed in despair as their hard work was ruined. Children accompanying their parents for this boring festival cried out for joy in hopes of going home and playing their video games. Pigeons and hobos fought to the death for just a scrap of the free food that had appeared all over the streets for the taking.
“My tomatoes! Now how will I feed my family?!”
“Somepony call the guards!”
“Give me that broccoli, you rat with wings!”
“My cabbages!”
With tons of smashed peas, corn, and other vegetables coating the group, the head guard soon lost his grip on Lyra, and all three went flying into a nearby manure bag stall. Landing in the smelling pile of bags, one of the guard groaned before looking at the one who let go. “Well I guess I can safely say that your grip is a load of cr-”
“No! We are not using that joke!” shouted the other guard. “Too obvious.”
Meanwhile, Lyra was sighing in relief that everything had turned out alright. But just as she thought she was in the clear, the cake-laden vehicle finally stopped with an abrupt collision with a wall, hurtling Lyra over the cart to stick horn-first into a tree. With a grunt, her rear hooves rose up to push hard against the solid tree, only for her to pop out like a cork and flop backwards onto the hard ground, promptly passing out. Two ponies, hearing the commotion, stepped out the front door and looked around.
“Do you see anypony Nurse Scope?” asked a pink unicorn in a nurse outfit.
“No, Nurse Tenderheart, but look at this,” a white unicorn said, pointing to the mysterious cart of cakes that had appeared. “Somepony was nice enough to leave all these cakes here. I think our patients will enjoy these cakes, especially the ones in the children’s ward.”
“Oh, I agree. I have a feeling everypony will enjoy them,” said Nurse Scope as they began to bring in the cakes one by one into Canterlot General Hospital.
***
Philomena, who had finally managed to drag herself out of the ongoing war inside, managed to reach the exits and looked around for the cart of her poisoned cakes, but they were nowhere to be found. Growling, she pounded on the ground over and over again. “I swear, if I see that unicorn again I’ll take her horn and stab her right where the sun don’t shine! I bet Luna was behind all this. Well, she may think I’m done, but I’ll show her who's boss! I’ll make her regret even coming back from that moon of hers and interfering with my life, or else my name isn’t Philo-”
A large explosion, followed by terrified screams erupted from behind Philomena, knocking her off her hooves and onto the pavement. Shaking her head, she looked behind her and gasped at what she saw. “Is that a...”
*** 10 minutes Earlier ***
“So let me get this straight,” said Bon-Bon, as she and Berry Punch continued following, of all things, Pinkie’s pet alligator through the dangerous halls. A large line of knocked out guards peppered the hall behind him, broken limbs twitching. “You’re part of a secret organization of pets who are actually agents protecting the world from villains. And this entire ice cream factory is a cover up for an evil scientist known as Fuu Moochu, who happens to be your arch-nemesis?”
“Pretty much sums it up,” said Agent G as he shot two drug darts from his wristband, causing a final pair of guards to crash face first into the ground mid-charge.
“Just when I thought Equestria couldn’t get any weirder,” muttered Bon Bon.
“And you ask why I drink so much,” said Berry Punch, following the tiny alligator spy. The three of them continued on until they were at the corner and pressed flat against the wall, three heads popping around the corner to peek ahead. On the far end of the hall, leading to the heater control system, were two more unicorn guards standing in front of the door.
Gummy rubbed his chin. “We need a distraction. Can you ladies help me deal with this?”
Bon Bon and Berry looked at each other before shrugging. Turning back to the secret agent, Berry then asked, “Sure, but how are we gonna do that? Bon Bon here can’t seduce anypony even if they were blind—”
“Hey!”
“.. and unless you’ve got a bottle of wine, I’m useless.”
Gummy pointed to the long list of knocked out guards behind them. “Well, we have a few options; I suppose we can use the uniforms over there to help. But how do we go about this?”
“Hey, I got an idea!” said Bon Bon.
***
“Did you hear something?” asked Guard A to his partner, who was lazily leaning on the wall.
“Only the sound of the clock ticking,” muttered Guard B, who moaned. “Can I ask you something? Why are we here?”
“Hmmm,” said Guard A, rubbing his chin. “It’s one of life’s great mysteries isn’t it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some cosmic coincidence, or is there really a God watching everything? You know, with a plan for us and stuff. Are we just the pawns in the grand scheme of a great game of fate where our lives are decided by us, or are we free to change the world as we see fit? Why is our purpose here on this planet? Some grand and noble concept that will allow us to ascend into a higher plane, or merely to develop whatever we can with the knowledge we have? I don’t know, dude, but it keeps me up at night.”
...
...
...
“... what? Dude, I was talking about why are we guarding the heating room? I thought we were getting the Biolabs this week?” asked Guard B, shaking his head
Guard A’s eyes widen and he blushed. “Oh, uh, I might have lost that patrol in a game of poker last week.”
“Should have known, you never know when to fold,” muttered Guard B, who sighed. He then turned to the door and asked, “Who does put a heater in an ice cream factory?”
“No idea,” replied Guard A.
“Hello, fellow evil guards!” Both guard ponies looked up and saw Bon Bon and Berry Punch, dressed in guard gear, walk up to them with nervous smiles on their faces. Berry kept her smirk up as she continued, “It sure is a great day to be guarding evil things, huh? Man, I feel so evil I bet I could... uh... pop balloons at a foal’s first birthday part and not feel any regret for it. Ah ha ha ha.”
The two real guards just stared at the mares who were now sweating. Still faking a toothy smile, Berry Punch whispered, “It’s not working... we’re screwed...”
“Keep to the plan,” whispered Bon Bon.
“Are you two alright?” asked Guard B, his tone wavering with uncertainty. “Something’s not right here...”
“What do you mean, fellow guard,” laughed Berry, horribly so. “We’re just... um...”
Bon Bon sighed, “Oh, Berry, just stop it, you're doing it all wrong! You’re never gonna earn your paycheck if you keep forcing the role. I keep telling you to relax and not focus on their faces, but their manes if you're too nervous.”
Smiling at the confused guards, she said, “I’m sorry boys, she’s new, but she is getting better. Anyway, we got lost. Can you tell us where the birthday party is?”
“Birthday party?” asked both guards.
Bon Bon gave them a sly, seductive look. “You know? The birthday party we got hired to strip for? Why else do you think we have these uniforms? It’s for a ‘surprise inspection’, duh.”
The two guards blinked while Bon Bon did her best to keep up her confident expression. Even now she could feel her heart beating like a drum inside her rib cage. The two guards looked at them, up and down, judging them. One doubt and it would be a whole world of trouble.
“So you expect us to believe you two ladies are walking around in a restricted zone because you’re strippers for somepony’s birthday?” asked Guard B, flaring his nostrils.
“Um, yes?” whispered Bon Bon.
“Well, all I got to say is...”
“Wait a minute, I know you!” shouted Guard A, pointing at Bon Bon. Berry and Guard B stared at the confused earth pony mare while the pointing guard continued. “Yeah, I remember! You went to Manehatten U, right? Class of ‘98? That frat party we had before the big finals in senior year!”
Bon Bon’s eyes widened at the mention of this, her creamy coat paling. “I... I don’t...”
“Oh, please, do go on,” motioned Berry as she started grinning at the sight of an embarrassed Bon Bon.
“Oh man, this crazy mare was so drunk that she had the whole house rolling. She gave the best shows the way she shook herself and danced so wildy. The police had to call the S.W.A.T. team just to calm her down and stop all the guys, and some of the girls, from jumping on her like lions to a steak. Hey, can you still do that thing with the handcuffs, molotov cocktails, live eels, and three bottles of gin?”
“Anyway!” interrupted Bon Bon, who was bright red now. “Can we please pass so we can go do our jobs?”
“No problem. Let them pass, dude. After that night, there isn’t anything else this mare could be but a stripper,” said Guard A, nudging his rolling eyed partner.
“I sell candies, I’ll have you know!” growled Bon Bon.
“Yeah, I’m sure you sell your candy alright,” giggled Guard A as he opened the door, letting the two pass.
A pissed off Bon Bon and a smiling Berry continued down the hall, neither of them speaking. Then Agent G, popped out of Berry’s uniform and looked at Bon Bon with a smile. “So, ‘98, huh? How was that year?”
“Shut up or I’ll turn you into a purse for some old lady,” grumbled Bon Bon.
After they reached the end of the hall, Bon Bon slowly opened the only door in the area a crack, taking note of the two heavily armed guards watching the security cameras while three technicians were operating various machines. Bon Bon quickly closed the door and told the others what she saw.
“Okay ladies, I’ll take care of this one,” said Agent G, getting out of Berry’s uniform. He pulled out, from out of nowhere, a small toy robot. The girls raised their eyebrows and were about to ask how he got it when he quickly answered, “When you live with an owner like Pinkie Pie, you tend to learn a few things.”
He wound up the toy robot and asked Bon Bon to open the door for him before he let it loose. Its noise attracted the attention of the five occupants who gathered around the scuttling object. One of the employees walked up to it to pick up with his hoof, only for a cavity to open up and fire a taser wire at the earth pony, zapping him with a bolt of electricity that left him twitching and unconscious. The guards quickly leapt into action to grab the dangerous object, but before they could jump on it, the back of the robot folded back, revealing a mini-jetpack. It activated it and flew into the air as the two guards crashed into each other head first and were knocked out. The remaining two employees tried to flee, but the robot flew in their way and open its mouth, revealing a small cylinder that shot out a green gas, quickly putting them to sleep.
Bon Bon and Berry watched as it then settled back down on the ground before turning off. It only took forty-five seconds to accomplish this.
“Jeez, if that little thing can do all that I’d had to see what those Gunpon models from Neighpon can do,” commented Berry.
“Oh, we can’t use those models anymore. Not since the destruction they caused when the Star Ponies invaded Equestria seven months ago and the splash damage they caused wiped out Ponyville an eighth time,” laughed Agent G before slapping his mouth.
“Wait?! What?!” shouted both mare’s before Agent G quickly put on sunglasses, turned around with a metal pole with a flashing red light and clicked the button that resulted in a bright white flash. Their eyes widened as the memory eraser went to work, quickly wiping out that last sixty seconds from their brain.
Taking off his glasses, Agent G wiped the sweat of his forehead. “Close one.”
“Um, what happened?” asked Bon Bon shaking her head. “What were we talking about?”
“I don’t remember,” said Berry Punch, looking around.
Coughing into his claw, Agent G said, “Well, we’re wasting time. Let’s get those heaters on, shall we?”
Agent G went to work by rushing over to one of the computers and hurriedly typing away. When he was done, he tapped his communicator wristwatch. “HQ, do you come in? I’m at the maintenance systems, patching you in.” A small link cable came out of the wristwatch that Agent G quickly hooked up to the computer, letting Opal on the other line get to work.
“Good work, Agent G. I’m hacking into their systems now, shutting down alarms, stealing their data, and... there we go, heaters are on.” The results were quick as all three of them quickly felt the room get warmer, a much needed relief. “Well, what do we have here? Take a look at camera number four. I think your two pony friends will be interested in seeing this”
Looking at camera number four, Berry Punch and Bon Bon looked in disbelief as every guard was pointing their guns at a single pony who was holding something right over one of the ice cream vats. “Colgate?!”
***Seven Minutes Earlier***
There were some days Luna often thought back to her time as Nightmare Moon, where she was feared by all. While she truly regretted her actions, there were those few days when she often wished she could just turn into her former cruel self one more time to rain unholy horrors upon those that annoy her. Mostly Philomena, the nobles, Philomena, Blueblood, Philomena, One Destination, and, just recently, anything disco related.
Now a certain childish stallion with a doll fetish was slowly getting to the top of her list as she was forced to “kiss” Huffy the Magical Dragon, who was now apparently her “husband.” The stallion who had captured her continued to making kissing noises before putting them in their respective chairs. “Well, everypony, now that Huff and Miss Phoenix have gotten together, I think it’s time we all have some more tea!”
Before the stallion could pour, a knock on the door quickly spooked him out of his chair as he fumbled around. He started trying to put away the tea set and toys, squeaking out, “Uh, just a minute!”
“Topsy? Son? Is that you in there?” asked a male voice.
“Y-yeah, Dad!” cried Topsy as he looked around in a panic. “I’m... uh... just getting the mop!”
“But I have the mop,” said Topsy’s father as the door opened, revealing a dark grey unicorn in a janitor uniform, his balding head covered by a small grey cap. “What’s going on... in...”
The room fell into silence as the janitor stared at the blushing Topsy holding all his toys in his magic. Luna did her best to remain still and wait to see how things would turn out. The janitor slowly covered his eyes with a hoof, shaking with rage. “Oh, you have got to be kidding me.”
“Dad, it’s not what it looks like,” said Topsy, hiding his dolls behind his back.
“I knew it. I knew it from the beginning! I told your sister, I told your mother-bless her soul in heaven-that the moment we brought you that Sailor Mare action doll with clothing accessories that you were gonna end up like this!” shouted the janitor, throwing the mop against the floor. He pointed at his son and continued, “It was all supposed to be a phase, but this is what I come into my work office to find?! My unmarried son can’t seem to grow up like a real stallion because he’s too busy playing with dolls, at the age of thirty-five! I’ve had enough! I’m burning your dolls! ”
“No! You can’t do that! Dad!” cried Topsy, struggling against his father’s magic to maintain a grip on his toys. “You can’t do this! These are my friends!”
“It’s about time you got some real friends!” shouted Topsy’s father, struggling against his son’s magic. “Maybe then I can take you to clubs or stores or something instead of Toys R Us, where I have to keep lying to other customers that we’re getting Tickle Me Equo for your daughter!”
As the unicorns’ argument heated up, Luna began tiptoeing towards the door before darting through the entrance and sealing it behind her. She wiped her sweaty brow with a wing. “Glad that’s over with. Now to find the others, so we can stop Philomena,” said Luna before flying down the hallway.
Just as she left, another pony was coming through the other side, whistling a tune. He had a dark yellow coat and a grey mop-like mane, which fitted well with his jacket that signaled his occupation as janitor, leaving bare his broom sweeping cutie mark. After a bit of fumbling with his hat, he opened the door and raised an eyebrow as he saw one of the lead workers getting suplexed onto the floor by what appeared to be his partner janitor. He had him in a choke hold while struggling to yank out what appeared to be a Huffy the Magical Dragon doll. Shrugging, he levitated a box of floor wax nearby with his magic and closed the door.
***Five minutes earlier***
Cheerilee was starting to worry. Ignoring the fact that she was in the hidden secret base of a mad cow who was trying to take over the world with mind controlling ice cream, Colgate had disappeared a while ago and hadn’t come back. She left saying she had some kind of plan, but each passing minute only made Cheerilee wonder if she should just try and escape on her own. Whatever you’re doing, Colgate, I beg you to be subtle!
“Hey! Crazy evil cow! Turn that ugly butt of yours and face your true enemy!”
Cherilee facehoofed. Why, Faust? Why?
Everypony in the lab turned around to face the one who had the guts to even say such a thing to the boss. Fuu Moochu, looking red in the face, looked around as Number 2 signaled for all the guards to whip out their weapons. “Who said that! Whoever did it, show yourself so I can vaporize you for such slanderous words!”
“Over here!” shouted Colgate, standing at the railing right over the vats of ice cream. She tore off the worker outfit and raised her head proudly. “It is I, Ponyville’s Number One Dentist, Colgate! Member of the Order of Molars! Knight of the Crest Crusaders! Wielder of the White Brushes! Master of Floss-Fu! And—”
“Okay! We get it already! You're a dentist! Geez,” shouted Fuu Moochu, rolling his eyes. “What do you want?”
“I want you to surrender, Fuu Moochu! Your evil ways of corrupting innocent teeth ends here!” demanded Colgate, pointing her hoof at him. “Oh, and stop mind controlling people, that too.”
Number Two growled before he pointed his hoof at the dentist. “I should have known something was off about you.” He turned toward Cheerilee and nodded towards her, resulting in two guards trapping her side by side. “And I am safe to assume your little friend is also with you.”
“Cheerilee isn’t afraid! Sure, you might kill her and all, and even me too, but hundreds more will rise behind us to avenge our deaths and bring justice for dental health everywhere!” shouted Colgate.
“Speak for yourself, you crazy mare! I want to live!” cried out Cheerilee.
“Besides,” said Colgate, looking smug. “Our other allies are already turning on your factory’s heaters. Soon, your plot will fail and we will be victorious!”
“Wait, this building has heaters?” asked Fuu Moochu, as Number Two quickly went to the computer and soon pulled in the schematics of the building.
“It...seems it does, sir,” confirmed Number Two, eyebrows raised.
Needless to say, nearly everypony, or cow, was looking at the screen in disbelief. A brief silence was in the air before Doctor Fuu Moochu muttered, “Who puts a heater in an ice cream factory?”
“Hey! Look at me here! I’m trying to say how I’m foiling your evil plan!” shouted Colgate, stomping on the railway and puffing her cheeks.
“Oh, right. Well, what is your so called grand plan? You're surrounded by all my workers and guards with no way out,” pointed out Fuu Moochu.
Colgate replied with a sinister grin before she put her hooves behind her back. “Because if you don’t...” She then pulled out a white, fluffy and adorable kitten with a cute blue bow. Her eyes were so innocent and carefree that she had no idea that she was being held over a vat of ice cream being mixed with a deadly mind control poison by an insane unicorn via magic. Everypony look horrified at the sight, while Colgate was still grinning maniacally. “If you don’t stop your mad plan, your cat is going to get it!”
Fuu Moochu, like everypony else in the room, was horrified by what this crazy mare was doing. “Are you insane?! First of all, that’s not my cat! Second, that’s a cat you’re holding over a vat that turns whatever falls into it into ice cream!”
“Oh, don’t give me that. All you mad scientist guys have cats like these, it’s like in the manual or something,” shrugged Colgate.
“Oh for the love off,” growled Fuu Moochu, rubbing his temples. “That’s a stereotype! Seriously, it's bad enough evil mad scientists like me get labeled as psychopaths with obsessions for creating insane plans based on science. But not all of us have white cats as pets, or hold our hooves to our mouths as we cackle, or have strange eyes or goggles, or, worst of all, were all kicked out of our schools for being ‘dangers to society’. Granted that last one happened to me, but I can name three others who finished college with a Masters!”
Realization hit Colgate as she looked at the kitty, who was purring, and realized her so called “grand plan” was useless. Nervously, she giggled and rubbed the back of her neck. “Um, well this is awkward... I don’t suppose you’d be letting us go unharmed if I allow you a two for one appointment? With free floss?”
The pointed laser guns at her face quickly answered that question. Colgate slowly tried to back away, but she missed a small puddle of melted ice cream and slipped, losing control of her grip on the cat while she knocked over a small table of chemicals that spilled into the vat. Everypony gasped in horror as the kitten was thrown into the air and looked down at the vat with a small “meow” before gravity took control. Everypony winced as its screeches of pain and agony were heard, a few fainting or even throwing up.
“W-wait! Maybe she’s still alive!” shouted Colgate, before an ice cream coated tail flew out of the vat and smacked her in the face. “Or not...”
“What the hay?!” shouted Fuu Moochu in disgust. “I’m all for liquidizing your enemies and all, but kittens?! That is a line we villains dare not cross! Eliminate her!”
Before the guards could do anything, however, the vat started to shake as sparks of magic and lighting began to erupt out of it. The vat itself started to change colors as it began to glow, looking less like ice cream and more like a vat of toxic waste. All the scientists started shouting at each other as warning signs lit up the computers like a Hearth’s Warming tree, and pipes began to burst. Colgate, seeing her chance, quickly jumped off the railing and started running until she opened the door and bumped face first into a confused phoenix.
“There you are! Do you have any idea what... what...” Luna, hovering in the air, looked around in confusion as the chaos of the lab began to worsen. “What the hay happened in here?”
“It’s a long story, but all you need to know is that I am not responsible!” shouted Colgate, biting her lip.
Fuu Moochu hung onto his railing while the room began to rock like an earthquake was erupting underneath them. “What’s going on! Number Two, report!”
His second in command looked at the computer and replied, “Foreign chemicals are mixing in with the vat sir, it’s causing a mutation of the ice cream... and... and a living organism?”
A large roar was heard from the vat as everypony watched a horrible, huge, mutated beast rose from the vat and broke through the ceiling, everypony in a ten-mile radius and beyond looked at the rising monster and gasped, pointing at it in horror.
Just outside of the factory, Philomena was the first to speak at what she was seeing. “Is that a... giant ice cream cat monster?”
Author's Note
I am so sorry this is late. And yes, I know, not much Philomena and Luna. Trust me when I say that next chapter is all them and so on forth from there. Hope I made this funny and haven't lost my touch.
Palace Perils
By The Rated Ponystar
Formerly Edited by Fernin, tayman2037, and Clavier
Edited by: Adjudicator and Unnamed Pawn
This chapter is dedicated to the men and women of Columbia University, whose tireless efforts to create a race of super beings continues undaunted.
***
Twilight had to remember to thank Zecora for teaching her how to make the cure for the Poison Joke plants the next time she saw her. She was also going to recommend banishing both Luna and Philomena to the moon for a week after Celestia woke up. Mixing the last of the ingredients into the cauldron, Twilight looked up and saw the guards, Helm Breaker and Piercing Valor, watching her with curious intent. “Don’t you think you two should be looking for Philomena? I mean Luna. I mean... Luna who is in Philomena’s body?”
“You mean the same Luna who got communist foals to force feed us baby food while we were tied up with jump rope?” growled Helm Breaker. “Oh, trust me. I’m this tempted to go AWOL and joining the changelings for the invasion.”
“That’s nothing, I swear one of those brats farted on my face while I was bagged, blindfolded and pelted with airsoft guns,” muttered Piercing Valor as he rubbed one of the many welts on his body.
Twilight couldn’t help but sympathize with the two, but at the same time she was thankful the children didn’t bother entering the potions room. Her thoughts were interrupted when she saw the liquid in the colutron turn green and sighed in relief. “There we go. It’s done, now all we have to do is—”
Twilight didn’t get a chance to finish as a loud explosion followed by an earthquake knocked her off her hooves along with the guards. Potions on various shelves fell and smashed onto the floor, releasing their chemicals into the air. Acid and fires began to erupt as magical sparks and smokes of various colors could be seen mixing in a storm of clouds. The couldron for the antidote had spilled over and started mixing with a few of the puddles, causing it to turn to a dark black color. Mouths and eyes began to form from the unholy mixture as shrieks and moans of the damned cried out.
Realizing the danger, Twilight cried out for the the guards to run from the room as she made her way towards the door. Once all three were out, Twilight charged up her horn and summoned a hoofsized ball of glowing blue and white energy that crackled in the air. “Fire in the hole!” she cried out before tossing it into the door, slamming the door shut, and sealing it with a barrier.
Another large explosion, this time from inside the potion room, erupted and the door nearly came off it’s hinges. Thankfully, the barrier held. Then, when all was silent yet again, Twilight put the barrier down and opened the door. The spell had worked, all the magical mishaps had been vaporized to the last atom. Nothing remained but scorch marks and broken potion equipment.
However, that also meant the antidote that Twilight worked hours on was no more. Gritting Her teeth, Twilight held in a desire to scream profanities that would have made Princess Celestia want to clean her mouth with soap. However, it was a losing battle as her mane suddenly began to glow and smoke up.The two guards, knowing Twilight’s anger issues, stepped back nervously. Twilight slowly turned around and glared at the two. “Excuse me.”
Twilight calmly walked into the room and shut the door.
A second later, fire erupted from the door as Twilight began to scream. “THOSE MOTHER&*$@ING @$$HOLES! I WILL #$%@ THEM IN THE @#! AND @#$!$%^ THEIR SORRY #$!$%^#@%^ BEFORE I !#$!$%@? IN #!$%%^ ON A SUNDAY WITH %@$^@ EGGCREAM %$!%$^^ WHILE SKIPPING ROPE WITH IT BEFORE I @#%^!%$ THEIR SORRY #%^@$% AND FORCE THEM TO EAT $%#$%^^ OUT OF A #%^^& LITTLE SIPPYCUP WHILE #%^Q#%^ TO WATCH @#$#%^^ IT ALL BURN!”
The flames and yelling soon died down at the same time before the door opened revealing a still annoyed, but relatively calm Twilight Sparkle. She took a few deep breaths before glaring at the guards. “I have had enough of this. We’re gonna go find them.”
Helm Breaker raised his hoof. “Um, Miss Sparkle? Not to interrupt, but how do we even know they are responsible for that explosion?”
Just as he finished that, another guard ran over and bowed. “Element of Magic! A giant ice cream cat monster has appeared at the Hoofgen Dazs Ice Cream Factory where Princess Luna and Philomena were last spotted!”
“Never mind...”
***
When Twilight and the guards finally found a window, they stared at the sight in disbelief. The ice cream cat monster was hissing and swiping at the area around it. The terrified screams of ponies could be heard even from the palace. It was almost as tall as any building and just as wide, it’s entire fur covered in various colored ice cream flavors from chocolate to strawberry. The logical side of Twilight was wondering how in the name of science itself this was even possible. However, she was quickly dragged back into reality when Piercing Valor shouted her name.
“Twilight Sparkle! What are our orders?!” he asked.
“Why are you asking me?! I’m not a princess!” shouted Twilight.
“Princess Celestia stated that if she or Princess Luna were out of action for any means, then we were to listen to you,” replied Piercing Valor.
“Is it really such a big deal? It’s just a pretty little pussy cat covered in ice cream,” said a smiling Helm Breaker.
Suddenly, the ice cream cat monster’s eyes widened as it began to cough and hack. After a few moments, it spat out a large, hairy, ice cream covered hairball that sailed right towards the palace. Specifically, it sailed toward the window they were looking through. Everypony ducked out of the way except for a stunned Helm Breaker. The well defended wall managed to protect the castle from the hairball, but a chunk of it broke through the window and hit the poor pegasus guard.
He sailed across the hall and into the wall where he slowly peeled off. Hacking out hair from his throat, he muttered, “Oh sweet Faust I never thought I’d hate cinnamon swirl ice cream but cat hair does the trick.”
Twilight sighed before putting on her serious face. “Okay, I need all the guards in the area to get civilians out of harm’s way. Keep that cat ice cream thing in the same area at all costs! I’ll go see if Princess Celestia is up yet or not. Either way, I’ll meet you there via teleport!”
“Roger!” acknowledged Valor with a salute. He made his way down the hall while shouting, “Come on, Breaker! Keep up!”
“Coming!” shouted Breaker as he got up, using his wings to wipe away the cat hair and ice cream. He licked his lips and hummed in satisfaction. “Actually, cat hair goes great with cookie dough.”
Twilight did her best not to hurl after hearing that and teleported herself to Princess Celestia’s chambers.
***
“Girls, I need you too—What in the name of Faust are you doing?!”
Twilight’s mouth dropped just as Rainbow Dash dropped Princess Celestia’s flank back on the bed while Pinkie, dressed in a black leather outfit, put down the riding crop. A thousand emotions ranging from confusion to rage emerged from Twilight’s head but she settled for just staring at the two and waiting for an explanation. Answers now, blasting them later.
“What? We’re trying to wake her up,” answered Pinkie Pie as she began to get out of the outfit. “Everything else we tried didn’t work. We used horns, put her hoof in water, and even electrocuted her with shock therapy! Nothing! She’s as asleep as the dead!”
Twilight slapped herself twice. Once for making sure she wasn’t in some insane dream where her best friends tried crazy ways to wake up her mentor, including making her pee herself. But also to slap herself for even putting Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie of all ponies in charge of it. That’s like asking Discord to take care of an orphanage! Disaster!
“Never mind!” shouted Twilight as she pushed them out of the way and scanned her still sleeping mentor with her magic. “Ugh! She’s still asleep!”
“Well, maybe if you didn’t shoot her multiple times with the red paintballs in blind rage this wouldn’t have happened?” pointed out Rainbow Dash only to get a glare that promised death if she didn’t remain quiet. “Uh, I’ll shut up.”
Twilight fell to her haunches and rubbed her temples. “I don’t know what to do! I’ve got a princess and phoenix in different bodies pranking each other, Princess Celestia is so deep in a sleep she might as well be in a coma, a giant ice cream cat monster is tearing up the city, and I can feel the last bits of my sanity dripping out of my ears!”
“Really?” asked Pinkie as she stretched Twilight left ear, much to Twilight’s annoyance, and looked inside. “All I see is wax and a big brain!”
“Pinkie, enough!” shouted Twilight, pushing her away. Gripping the sides of her head and sweating worse than a bull, she said, “I am at the end of my rope here and the last thing I need is the situation getting any worse than it already is!”
The door knocked and soon another solar guard entered and saluted. “Twilight Sparkle? There is a large crowd gathering at the entrance of the palace. They keep demanding to see Princess Celestia and have her restore order to the chaos that is happening. Not to mention there are the delegates from the other nations here to complain about the moon being turned into a disco ball a few nights ago. Discord’s statue has also been reported to be cracking up. And the cat monster just overran the biggest milk factory in Canterlot.”
Twilight’s eye twitched a bit as strings of her hair popped out. She slowly turned to the guard with a crazed look in her eyes and a creepy smile that made everypony back away from her. “Anything... else?”
“Um, I think we’re out of coffee.”
Twilight was silent for a bit before she stood up straight and said, “Okay, new plan! We pour boiling oil on the annoying crowd and have them leave us in peace! Rainbow Dash will then do a sonic rainboom on the cat and wipe it, and Canterlot, off the face of the earth! Once Canterlot is gone, peace and sanity will return and all shall be well! Just in time for tea when Princess Celestia wakes up and we all convince her this was a big misunderstanding or a dream. That way she won’t punish us!”
“Um, Twilight,” said Rainbow Dash, raising her hoof. “You forget the part about how everypony in Canterlot, including us, will be dead if we do that.”
“I know! It’s perfect!” screamed Twilight as she began to laugh. “Now let’s get started! I’m going to go ahead and lie down to wair for my demise!” Eyes rolling to the back of her head, Twilight fell into a faint and was knocked out the moment her head hit the floor.
“Well, now what?” asked Rainbow Dash. “How are we gonna get out of this mess?”
Pinkie Pie rubbed her chin and thought for a bit before a light bulb lit up over her head. She looked up and smiled, “Oh, look the ceiling light’s back on. Anyway, I got a plan to deal with that big crowd! They want Princess Celestia? They’re gonna get Princess Celestia!”
***
Princess Luna didn’t think her day was gonna get any worse but the universe had a way of proving her wrong again. It was bad enough that she had been forced into crazy shenanigans in her arch-enemy’s body, but now a giant ice cream cat monster was running loose in her city. It’s time likes these that I wonder if banishment to the moon was better than this.
Flying right beside Philomena, the alicorn in a phoenix's body watched as the cat monster was drinking the milk it happened to find at a nearby milk factory; it’s workers screaming while occasionally commenting on how cute it was. Horrifying, but cute. “Okay, it’s distracted! How do we deal with it!”
“What do you mean, ‘we’?” said Philomena, raising an eyebrow. “You’re the one that caused this.”
“I did not! This wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t go and try to make everypony have massive diarrhea!” shouted back Luna.
Philomena rolled her eyes and said, “Look, we can argue whose fault is later—even though it’s totally yours—but right now we need to take care of that cat!”
A loud meow got their attention as the cat stretched itself and began to lie down for a nap. Luna sighed and nodded her head. “Agreed. Truce for now until we get this mess cleaned up. Our options?”
“Well, I’m in your body and your in my body and neither of us are experts in using each other’s magic,” pointed out Philomena, rubbing her chin. “I could just randomly blast it until something happens.”
“Are you crazy?! You’re wielding alicorn powered magic! Who knows what you could do if you just cast random spells!” shouted Luna.
“Relax, how hard could it be?” said Philomena dismissively as she charged the horn.
She fired a pink beam at the cat who didn’t wake up from it’s nap as it seemed nothing happened. That was until it opened it’s mouth to yawn and unleashed a large blue beam that fired into the sky until the beam was nothing but a speck in the sky.
Luna glared at a blushing Philomena who rubbed the back of her neck. “Well, at least it didn’t do any damage.”
*** (Meanwhile on another planet) ***
The longneck child known as Littlefoot woke up to the Bright Circle high in the sky. He yawned and looked around his home known as the Great Valley, a peaceful place where roundteeth like him had food, water, and shelter from the dreaded sharpteeth.
Littlefoot was about to go out and look for his friends when he saw something up above in the sky. It was bright and blue and looked similar to the stone of cold fire he saw a long time ago. However, it was getting closer and closer to the Great Valley and soon was so bright he could barely see. Other dinosaurs began to panic as Littlefoot was about to head for cover when suddenly...
And all that remained of the Great Valley was a crater.
*** (Back in Equestria) ***
“Okay, maybe we can try a spell that doesn’t make the cat more dangerous than it already is?!” cried out Luna in fury.
“Um, okay, then what about this!” shouted Philomena who shut her eyes in concentration. Her horn glowed white as a start. The power levels were enormous and Luna had to block her eyes to prevent herself from going blind. All around the city ponies could feel the enormous power that was surging in one spot, wondering what spell was it that was being used that would require such magic.
The very ground began to quake under the use of it’s power. Birds were silent. Winds were halted. The very air began to heat up under the raw magical power.
I’ve never felt anything like this! What spell could it be that she is performing?! Banishment?! Summoning?! Enchanting?! thought Luna as she watched with awe.
“TAKE THIS!” shouted Philomena as she unleashed the spell upon the cat, engulfing it in a white beam of light.
When it faded... nothing had changed.
The two looked at the cat, waiting for anything to happen. Yet a full three minutes passed before the only thing the cat did was twitch it’s strawberry flavored whiskers and scratch it’s tail. Luna deadpan, looked at Philomena and asked, “What just happened?”
“I... don’t know,” answered Philomena scratching her head. “I just found something very powerful inside me and just unleashed it.”
“Describe it?”
“Well, it felt very cool, and very solid. Like something in my stomach being pushed out through the throat. It had a very chilling feeling to it, yet inside I could feel some warmth. Any ideas?” asked Philomena.
Luna thought to herself on a few possible answers until she noticed that there didn’t seem to be a lot of sunlight where they were. In fact she looked around and saw that they were surrounded by shade. Where is the sun? And why do I have this ominous feeling?
Suddenly, they heard screams as they looked up and gasped upon seeing what it was that had everypony suddenly become afraid off. Even Luna almost felt like she was about to wet herself.
Slowly heading towards them was the moon.
***
Everypony in Ponyville stood outside as they saw the moon itself inching closer to their earth. The sheer size of it was enough to make them all feel like insects about to be swatted away. All activity around Ponyville and many other parts of the world had suddenly come to a halt as they gazed upon their doom.
Finally, somepony said what they were all thinking: “We’re all gonna die!”
In a split second, everypony was running around screaming in terror. Loved ones held each other and began to cry. Crazed ponies who had often held signs about the end were now wielding ones that said “Told ya so!”. Some ran into their homes, closed the doors, and hid under the beds while others put their heads between their rear legs and began kissing their bottoms goodbye.
“Wait!”
Everypony froze up as they stared at Mayor Mare who was looking at the village she had taken care of for years. Sniffling, she said, “As my last act as mayor I want to let you all know that I’ve been honored to be your leader. As death approaches, let us all hold each other in our final moments before embracing eternity together.”
The mayor’s words rang true to the townspeople, and they held each other, crying and whispering goodbyes to one and all. Even enemies like Scootaloo and Diamond Tiara had found themselves on the receiving end of a hug from each other.
“Since I want to die with no regrets I have a confession to make,” said the Mayor who took a deep breath. “I fixed the ballets in the last three elections. I’m so sorry!”
Everypony muttered but soon smiled and a few walked over to comfort her.
“Everypony!” shouted Derpy who flew up for their attention. “I’m not really crossed eyed.” To everypony’s shock, Derpy popped two glass eyes out of her skull much to the crowd’s disgust. “I’m really just blind, I just got a really bad deal on glass eyes.”
Rarity looked around, bit her lip, but then blurted out, “Okay, I confess! I’ve been in a secret romantic relationship with Gilda for the past three months! I can’t help it! The way her feathers feel against my coat as she kisses and holds me makes me feel more like a lady when we make love than any other dress I put on!”
“Well, if were getting secrets out of the open, I’m part of a cult that worships Nightmare Moon. I sacrifice chickens every sunday,” shouted Caramel as he raised his hoof.
“Ah’m a girl,” confessed Big Macintosh much to everypony’s shock and to the disappointment of nearly all of Ponyville’s female population. “Was born a lady, that’s me. Went around bein’ called a brother cause Ah got a sex change eight years ago.”
“... does that count as gay if we mate with you?” asked Roseluck raising her hoof.
“I’m not really a pony!” shouted Lucky as he removed a zipper on his back and appeared as a little green pony. “I be a leprechaun!” he then clacked his hooves and appeared with the traditional leprechaun clothing while dancing the irish jig.
Scootaloo suddenly was turned faced to face with Diamond Tiara who looked her and said, “I love you. Marry me!”
“Um, okay?” said Scootaloo before her lips were assaulted by Tiara.
“And I’m not really a pony either!” said Raindrops before she donned a fork, knife, and bib. “I’m a pony that eats leprechauns!”
The leprechaun pony screamed and ran away as Raindrops chased after him.
One by one confessions were shared until it came to Fluttershy who was shaking and sweating like crazy. Rarity walked over to her friend and touched her shoulder. “Now come on, dear. We’re all going to die so we might as well die with a confession. Go one we will not think less of you...”
“I can’t take it!” screamed Fluttershy. “I was the one that got Firefly cancelled! I was the one who wrote the romance for Anakin and Padme and gave it to Lucas! I’m the one who hid Jimmy Hoffa's body! I had Coca-Cola stop making SURGE! I created /b/ on 4 chan! I was the one who crashed the stock market! I broke up Van Halen! I got Toonami cancelled! I shot that hunter and blamed it on Dick! I created Scientology! I’m the one who keeps peeing on all your front lawns! I was the one who let Discord out in the first place! I’m a fan of Generation 3.5! I MADE LAUREN FAUST LEAVE THE SHOW!!!!”
Everypony just stared at Fluttershy, some faces twitching with mutters of killing her or not. Rarity, forcing a laugh, said, “W-well now that we’re all done confessing our... sins, let us close our eyes and embrace our fate.”
***
Back in Canterlot, Luna was shouting at Philomena to hurry up and charge that spell again. The phoenix turned alicorn continued to do so, but was sweating much more than before. Luna shouted, “You have to concentrate! Put the moon back or we’re all dead!”
“I can do this better without you distracting me!” shouted Philomena.
Luna looked up at the moon that she once loved and would soon be crushed by in a few minutes. “If we don’t make it out of this alive... I just want you to know that some of your pranks were funny! And I’m grateful you kept my sister company while I was gone.”
“... I did all of this because I’m jealous of you!” confessed Philomena before she unleashed the blast while Luna stared.
The blast hit the moon and soon pushed it backwards into the sky. Like a rocket, it retreated back to where it was. Before long, everypony saw the miracle that occurred.
***
Everypony in Ponyville cheered at the sight of the moon being pushed back. Hugs and kisses went around, a certain filly couple was still kissing and holding each other even tighter. Everypony was happy that they were alive... and then they all glared at Fluttershy who went “meep”.
“Um, I... I was lying?” she nervously said.
“Get her!”
“AAAAAAHHHH!” screamed Fluttershy as the whole town chased after her. Except for Scootaloo and Diamond Tiara who were still busy.
***
Princess Luna and Philomena opened their eyes and saw that the moon had returned to its normal place in the sky. The two sighed and landed on their haunches before looking up at each other with blushing faces. Despite the fact that the cat was still there, sleeping, and ponies were panicking in the distance, the two couldn’t help but stare at the ground in silence.
“...You did all of this? All this pranking? Because you were jealous of me?” asked Luna, finally.
Philomena sighed. “Yeah. Ever since you came back all Celestia’s wanted to do was hang out with you and less with me. I’ve been her friend for centuries and all of a sudden you come back and... it’s just not the same.” A tear dripped down Philomena’s cheek. “I know you're her sister and she loves you, but she’s my friend too. I just... didn’t want to be forgotten.”
Luna looked at Philomena with, for once, a sympathetic gaze. “I know what that feels like. Believe me, I do more than anypony on this earth. But has acting on that jealously been helpful?”
“No, not really,” admitted Philomena.
“It twisted me and made me a monster a thousand years ago. You should have talked to my sister before starting this prank vendetta on me,” Luna looked around at the destruction that had been caused by the cat and thought back to the previous pranks they had delivered upon one another. “We’ve both been acting like immature foals. We’ve done stupid things so let’s just stop and fix all of this before Celestia kills us both. And trust me, I have no interest in being buried six feet under.”
Philomena was silent for awhile before sighing. “Okay, but we’re not friends. Just to be clear.”
“Right,” said Luna as she stood up and held out her wing. Philomena looked at it and then shook it with her hoof. The two nodded before turning their attention to the giant cat ice cream monster which was starting to wake up. “Now how do we deal with this thing?”
“Well it is ice cream, maybe we can melt it?” asked Philomena.
“And where are we gonna get the heat? My sister is unconscious last time I checked and the clouds are covering the sun,” asked Luna with a raised eyebrow. Philomena stared at her with narrow eyes before pointing at her. Luna blinked a bit before looking down at her own body and slapping herself. “Oh, right.” She then sized up the cat monster and frowned. “I don’t think I have the size to make a storm this big. Unless...” She looked at Philomena with a smile. “We can use a growth spell to help me out! Turn me big!”
“But you're a phoenix! You’ve got a high amount of immunity towards magic!” pointed out Philomena.
“Not if we overcharge the spells! If we put in twice the amount of power that it would normally do we should be able to affect me.”
“What?! Are you crazy?! I have no idea how you’re magic works! Look at what happened the last two times!” shouted Philomena.
“We have no choice! You can do this. Just find an energy source inside that feels like you are stretching and reaching out into the heavens,” advised Luna as she straightened herself up. “Go! Do it now!”
Philomena bit her lip and closed her eyes as a red energy orb began to appear on the tip of her horn. It began to grow in size until it was big as her hoof. With a grunt, she unleashed the org and it slammed into Luna causing a huge flash of light. Philomena covered her eyes with her hoof and waited for it to die down, expecting a twenty foot tall phoenix...
... instead she got a pile of ash.
“Oh, that’s not good...”
***
“Where am I?” asked Luna as she looked around. She remembered being hit by the orb, then pain, darkness, a bright light, and now she was on a bright green misty field with the sun high above. It felt different... like very peaceful and happy. Like all her doubts were washed away the moment her hooves touche the grass. Wait, hooves?!
Luna looked at herself and gasped, she was back to her normal body. “Oh sweet Faust, thank you for giving me my body back!”
“You are welcomed, my child,” said a powerful and heavenly voice.
Luna froze up as she turned around and saw what lay before her eyes and made her jaw drop. Standing before her was none other than the goddess of ponies herself, Faust. Her radiant white fur that glittered in the sunlight, her fiery red mane that was beautiful then any others, her immense horn and wings were bigger than that of Celestia’s. Even she was a giant compared to Luna.
“Welcome to Elysium, Luna, we have been waiting for you,” said Faust with a warm smile.
“Wait, Elysium... but that would mean I’m...” Luna’s eyes widen as she turned around and saw that her wings were now snow white, and up above her head was a yellow halo. “... dead... Oh, great.”
“Yes, your mortal life has ended and now you're eternal one shall begin. Do not feel sorry for those you have left behind, for one day all shall come to Elysium and know peace,” said Faust.
“Wait! I can’t be dead! This is a mistake!” cried out Luna. “You have to send me back.”
Faust gave a sad smile. “Child, no soul can return to the mortal plane when their time comes. Death is not so bad once you get used to it. Now come we have much to—”
Suddenly, a piece of parchment appeared in a puff of smoke before Faust much to her surprise. She read it and then made a little “o” with her mouth before dismissing the letter. “I see, you were in the body of a phoenix when you died.”
“Yes, the same one who I’m going to send to the afterlife when I get back,” growled Luna. Luna blinked before raising her eyebrow. “Wait a minute, if you're an all seeing goddess how come you didn’t know that? Aren’t you always watching us down below?”
“Oh, no. You are thinking of Santa Hooves. I just look down every so often on people. Most of the time I only help out when I feel like it,” shrugged Faust.
“That... doesn’t sound very divine like,” muttered Luna.
“Well, we all can’t be as great as that Jehovah guy or Allah or God or whatever he calls himself. He has way too many names and I swear he cheats at poker,” said Faust, rolling her eyes.
“What?”
“Nothing, just go back to being mortal,” said Faust before blasting Luna with her horn.
***
Luna gasped for air as she felt the breath of life once more and felt her body as good as new. Philomena walked over and asked, “Are you okay? You burst into flames and then reappeared again like a normal pheonix. Good thing you were in my body, huh?”
“Yeah, also your an idiot,” muttered Luna as she got up and pointed at Philomena. “Now get it right this time!”
Philomena nodded before closing her eyes and concentrated. This time a lime green beam erupted from her horn and hit Luna. Luna began to slowly grow in size and shape, forcing Philomena to back away as she grew. Realizing she was gonna soon take over the entire street, Luna flew up into the air as she felt the magic strengthening her.
When the beam was finally done powering Luna, she was now a phoenix the size of the monster cat. The monster cat itself looked up and saw the giant flaming bird and hissed. Luna smirked before unleashing the might of her radiant flames. The cat meowed in terror as bits of itself slurped off and it began to shrink. Smaller and smaller it began to form as the heat increased.
“It’s working! Keep it up!” shouted Philomena.
Luna concentrated and continued to do so until the ice cream cat was no bigger than a tiny kitten. When the flames stopped the once giant cat looked around and saw it was back to normal. Philomena walked up to it and smirked. “Woof.”
The cat ran away in an instant. Philomena sighed and looked up to Luna with a smile. “It worked!
“Great! Now change me back to my normal size!” echoed the giant phoenix.
Philomena nodded and began to charge her horn until she stopped and blushed. “Um, how do I do that?”
Luna sighed. This was gonna take awhile.
***
“Pinkie Pie, this isn’t gonna work,” said Dash as she carried the back end of the sleeping Princess Celestia. “And why do I have to be the one carrying her butt?!”
“Shh! Do you want the crowd to hear us!” whispered Pinkie as she carried the upper end of Celestia towards the balcony. Below them was a crowd of ponies who were muttering to themselves. Apparently, Princess Celestia had announced she would talk to her subjects about the recent disasters that had been going on; including the near end of the world via moon bomb.
Approaching the railing, the two pranksters dropped the princess with a hard thud and wiped the sweat from their brows. For a princess of grace and beauty, Celestia was quite a heavy pony. “I’m starting to think those cake rumors are more than just hearsay,” muttered Dash as she winced upon feeling the muscles in her back ache.
“Come on, help me carry her up,” said Pinkie Pie as she grabbed one foreleg of the princess and Dash the other. They hoisted her up as Dash got behind the princess to keep her somewhat standing despite being as limp as a corpse. “Perfect! Now just present her to the crowd, wave her arms around, and I’ll do the talking.”
“Okay, but hurry up! I don’t know how long I can hold her!” painted Dash as she brought the princess towards the edge of the balcony where everypony saw her and quieted down.
Pinkie Pie, hidden from the crowd, cleared her throat and shouted in her best impersonation of Princess Celestia. “Greetings, my dear subjects!” While Pinkie talked, Rainbow Dash did her best to lift Princess Celestia’s hooves. “I know that some of you are all worried about the strange things that have been going on, but I can assure you that everything is okay. You guys need to chill and all, seriously.”
“Pinkie, what are you doing?” whispered Dash, who could feel the confused stares from up here. Still, she did her best to control Celestia in according to Pinkie’s words.
“Like come on guys, we’ve dealt with so many problems that have been taken care of we do not need to worry anymore. We just need to all relax, have some cupcakes, maybe a party or two, and then get back to smiling more! In fact, I decree that everypony must smile everyday!” proclaimed Pinkie, with a smile of her own.
“Pinkie!” hissed Rainbow Dash.
“In fact, the one pony who really knows how to party is Pinkie Pie! Let it be known that she is Equestria’s Royal Party Planner!”
“But that’s not a real title!” shouted one noble.
“It is now!”
“Pinkie! I can’t.... hold... much... longer...” whispered Rainbow Dash, turning red as she bent her back and Princess Celestia flailed around with her.
The crowd continued to mutter and ask what was going on as Pinkie nervously replied, “Uh! No need to worry! Just stretching out the thousand year old muscles!”
Pinkie then turned to Rainbow Dash and tried to pull Celestia towards her, suddenly the two lost grip as they, and the crowd below, gasped upon Celestia’s body being thrown over the balcony. Ponies screamed as they saw their beloved ruler fall towards the ground. Pinkie and Dash ducked under the balcony and stayed silent until a large thud noise was heard.
All was quiet. Not even a bird chirped. Pinkie eyed Rainbow Dash and asked, “Do you think she survived?”
“Twilight said alicorns can survive falls up to a thousand feet. She’ll be okay,” reassured Rainbow Dash.
“That’s good... but do they know that?” asked Pinkie Pie, nodding down below.
“Oh my Faust! Princess Celestia is dead!” shouted one member of the crowd before everypony went into a panicking riot.
Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie looked at each other. “Uh, oh.”
Author's Note
So yeah I'm back. Like I promised, it's back to focus on Luna and Philomena. Hope you enjoyed it
Palace Perils
By The Rated Ponystar
Edited by Fernin, Adjudicator, and tayman2037
Artwork done by ColgateFim (http://colgatefim.deviantart.com/ )
***
Corporal Helm Breaker was facing the most difficult and dangerous assignment in his career as a Royal Night Guard. Before him stood a silver door, bearing the sigil of Princess Luna in the center. Beyond this door was a creature more terrifying than anything the depths of Tartarus could ever produce. Its very existence was a nightmare for all in the palace. Helm Breaker would have loved nothing more than to spread his wings and fly away, but duty called.
Helm Breaker turned to his partner, Piercing Valor. “Remind me again why we have the grand honor of waking Princess Luna?”
Piercing Valor responded with a smack that nearly knocked the helmet off Helm Breaker’s head. “Because somepony was too busy getting salted up last week to get in line for assignments.”
Helm Breaker huffed and pushed his partner away. “Come on, it can’t be worse than guarding the dungeons or Blueblood. Hay, even latrine duty is worse.”
“Oh really? Remember what happened to Cinder Whip?” asked Valor, raising an eyebrow. Both ponies shivered at the thought. “He’s still in the hospital for what happened last month. Last I heard, he still shouts, ‘Mercy Princess Luna! I’ll never wake you again’ over and over every night.”
Helm Breaker gulped as he began to imagine himself in Cinder Whip’s condition. Piercing Valor pointed at him and then at the door. Helm Breaker opened his mouth to argue, but when his partner’s horn glowed threateningly, he shut his mouth. Raising a shivering hoof, Helm Breaker slowly reached for the entrance...
“Excuse me?”
Helm Breaker screamed and leaped into Piercing Valor’s hooves. Turning around they were relieved to see that it was nothing more than another unicorn night guard. Helm Breaker turned to Valor and gave a nervous smile before his partner dropped him to the floor. The new guard quickly saluted them. “Sorry to interrupt you, sirs.”
Helm Breaker rubbed his flank and got back on all fours. His eyes glanced towards the newcomer’s uniform. “You’re new, Private?”
The Private nodded and saluted again. “Private Nocturne of the Royal Night Guards, sir. Thirty-fourth regiment, sir. I must say, it's an honor to be here. I've always wanted to serve ever since I was a foal.”
Helm Breaker stared at the newbie before glancing at the door behind him. A sly grin stretched across his face. Breaker quickly banished the smile and put on a stony gaze, thinking back to his drill instructor during his training days. Let’s see if those times mocking Sergeant Muscle Grinder pay off.
“Private Nocturne! Atten-SHUN!” shouted Helm Breaker. Nocturne jumped and stood at attention as Helm Breaker trotted around him, scrutinizing every inch of his body. He could already see sweat dripping down Private Nocturne’s neck. Helm Breaker struggled to hold his ‘instructor look’ and not laugh at the sight. “Private Nocturne, do you know what kind of a room is behind me?”
“Those are doors to a bedchamber, sir!”
“That is correct, Private,” said Helm Breaker. He looked at Nocturne straight in the eyes, making the poor rookie gulp. “And do you know whose bedchambers those are?”
“Those are Princess Luna’s, sir?”
“Princess WHO, Private?!” yelled Helm Breaker, his saliva splattering on Nocturne’s face. “You will address her majesty as ‘Princess Luna the Sovereign of the Night and Diarch of Equestria’ when you are asked such a question. If you do not address her as such I will make sure you are thrown into the dungeon for your insolence and have the Provost Marshal whip your sorry flank until it’s as red as a baboon’s butt! Do you understand?!”
“Sir, yes, sir!” shouted Nocturne. “I will address Princess Luna the Sovereign of the Night and Diarch of Equestria as such, sir!”
“Good! Now listen up. We have a duty of the utmost importance we need you to perform.” Breaker pointed to Valor. “Piercing Valor here has received the honor of waking up Princess Luna the Sovereign of the Night and Diarch of Equestria from her slumber so she can bring forth the night. However, “ he turned back to Nocturne with a smile, “he has decided to give this glory to you.”
“Wait, wha—“ a glare from Breaker shut Piercing Valor up. “Um, right.”
“As such, you are to enter her bedchambers and wake her up,” said Helm Breaker.
Nocturne tilted his head. “Is this really such a big deal, sir?”
Helm Breaker grabbed Nocturne by the shoulders and shook him. “Listen to me, Private! Every pony in Equestria depends on the sisters performing their duties on time and without delay! Even the slightest miscalculation will send the entire world into chaos! Oceans rising! Cities falling! Panic everywhere! Discord coming back to life! Cats and dogs living together! There will be madness not seen since the Dark Ages! You must do this! For Equestria!”
“Yes, sir! I will do it for Equestria, sir!” shouted Nocturne as he hurried toward the door and opened it. Helm Breaker closed it behind him and chuckled.
Piercing Valor shook his head and sighed. “You just got that boy killed.”
Helm Breaker turned to his friend and snorted. “Come on, it won’t be that bad. As long as he doesn’t blurt it out like an id—“
“Good evening, Princess Luna, Sovereign of the Night and Diarch of Equestria!” shouted Nocturne from inside. The two guards’ heads snapped towards the entrance as fear darkened their faces. “I am Private Nocturne here to wake you up on this gloriouAUGH!”
What was heard next could only be described as a cross between a dragon’s roar and the shriek of the damned. The entire floor rumbled and both guards felt the monstrous power of alicorn magic surge through the air. The sound of crackling lightning and blasts of fire echoed from the night princess’ room. The stench of ashes flooded the air. An unholy cry of terror echoed across the hallway along with a pleading cry for help. They could have sworn the poor rookie had awoken an ancient eldritch abomination that was now ripping him to shreds. The two terrified guards stood as still as statues, forced to hear the horrors from inside.
As quickly as they had come, the sounds stopped. Neither guard could move or breathe as the door slowly opened and revealed a dressed Princess Luna. Noticing the two guards, she gave them a bright smile. “Good day, loyal subjects. If you excuse me, I am needed to raise the moon.” She gave them a nod and was off, humming a tune neither recognized.
The guards continued to stare at the door, too frightened to go through it to see what carnage lay in the darkness. Finally, Helm Breaker managed to break out of his stupor. “You alive in their, rookie?”
A small, weak groan was all he heard.
***
“Ah, another night, another job well done,” said Luna, trotting alongside her sister and a few guards. With her head held high, Luna paraded through the halls like she was on cloud nine. For some reason, tonight felt like it was going to a good night. She didn’t know or care why; all that mattered was how happy she was.
Luna’s behavior was so outgoing even Celestia couldn’t help but smile. “You seem to be in high spirits tonight, Luna.”
“Yes, Celestia, I am. I feel like I can conquer the world!” said Luna, dramatically raising her hoof to the ceiling.
“Hmm, do I need to call upon the Elements of Harmony again, dear sister of mine?” teased Celestia. The two rulers looked at each other and giggled. Celestia cleared her throat. “Before you go perform your nightly duties, Luna, I must ask you a question.”
“Certainly, dear sister,” said Luna, sitting on her haunches.
“Have you seen Philomena by chance?” asked Celestia. “Her cage was empty this afternoon and I’ve asked the guards to look for her.” She sighed and shook her head. “That mischievous bird is always coming and going as she pleases.”
Luna’s smile turned into a frown. “No, I have not seen… the bird … lately. And I hope it stays that way.”
Whether Celestia heard her sister’s comment or the demeanor behind her voice, Luna’s response was met with a disapproving glare. “Luna, I know you and Philomena don’t get along very well, but please ask your guards to keep an eye out?”
“Very well, sister. I will alert my guards,” said Luna. “If there is nothing else, I would like to take a bath.”
Bidding goodnight, Celestia made her way towards her chambers while Luna continued down the hall, trying to ignore her thoughts on the phoenix. She arrived at her own personal bathing room, complete with the large, pool-sized bathtub. Her bathing maids were already putting in the finest of oils and scented leaves in the water, infusing it with a heavenly aroma.
With a simple command, the guards following her left the room and the maids went to work. They took off her royal garments and carefully put them away in the cupboards as if the pieces of the regalia were precious newborn foals.
Luna slowly dipped a hoof into the water and sighed in relief as she sank into the water. Leaning against the edge of the pool, Luna closed her eyes and relaxed as her maidens went to work. One of them, a unicorn named Droplet, kept her grip on the valve, twisting and turning it to the princess’ wishes. The other two were busy tending to Princess Luna. An earth pony, Bubbles, scrubbed Luna’s luscious star-speckled mane with shampoo while another unicorn, Aqua, held a bucket of warm water ready to rinse it.
“Princess Luna, the sky is so amazing this evening,” praised Bubbles. “I wish I had the honor of seeing you summon it every night.”
“Thank you for the kind words, ‘tis no small matter really,” said Luna.
“Oh no, Princess. It is a big deal,” said Bubbles. “I don’t know how anypony can say such a thing when you create such a beautiful evening every time.”
Luna rolled her eyes and sighed. After rinsing their mistress’ mane the servants went to fetch the soap and brushes, but the princess ordered them to stop. “There is no need. I will wash myself tonight.”
The brushes dropped from the maids’ mouths. Droplet stepped forward and asked, “Princess Luna, have we done something wrong?”
“You have done nothing wrong. I just wish to be by myself for tonight’s bath. Take the night off,” said Luna.
“But Princess Luna,” said Aqua, “What if you need us for something? Surely, we can at least stay by your side?”
“If you wish, you may wait outside with the guards until I call for you,” said Luna, pointing to the exit.
The three nervous maids nodded and excused themselves, whispering to one another. When she was finally alone, Luna sighed in relief. It wasn’t that she didn’t like her maids, but, like many others, they could be such—for the lack of a better term—flank kissers. Always trying to please her and compliment her on the simplest of things.
Still, it was amusing to see how far they would go sometimes to satisfy her. Closing her eyes, Princess Luna cleared her mind and let the warm water wash away her worries.
In fact, the bath seemed very warm tonight… almost too war—
“HOT! HOT!” yelled Luna at the top of her lungs. The water might as well have been boiling lava. Luna shot out of the pool as fast as she could. The guards dashed inside, blowing away the steam with their wings and demanding to know what was wrong. Luna saw them and blushed, “Get out of here!”
A powerful wind spell blasted the guards back out the door before they could react, throwing them in a groaning heap on the opposite side of the hall. The resounding crash and pitiful moans of pain could be heard from inside the bathroom. Luna, however, was too busy jumping up and down in anguish as the maids entered, begging for orders.
“Water! On me! Now!” shouted Luna, her body slowly turning red. Aqua took the bucket and filled it as fast as she could from the nearest source available—the bath. The hot water splashed over the princess. Luna screamed again and started rolling on the floor as if she was on fire. “Cold water! Cold water!”
Aqua nodded and ran to a nearby faucet, filling it with the coldest water it could give. She hurried back to her princess and showered the water onto Luna, eliciting gasps of relief from her mistress. After two more buckets of pure and frigid relief had splashed over her much-abused skin, Luna got to her hooves and let her maids dry her off. “Bring me a mirror!”
Bubbles quickly brought the mirror. Peering into it, Luna gasped in horror. Her once beautiful dark blue pelt now had red rashes on it. Teeth grinding, she glared at the three huddled maids. “Which of you made the water so hot?! I demand to know right now!”
Droplet pointed to the value. “But Princess Luna! The valve hasn’t been changed! Look!”
Trotting over to the valve, Luna saw that the temperature was indeed normal. The amount of heat she had felt couldn’t have come from the spigot. She made her way back to the bath and tested it cautiously with a single hoof. It was no more than pleasantly warm—although after her ordeal it felt almost chilly. Rubbing her muzzle, she began to think of possible explanations: had a pipe broken? Maybe it was a prank? A somewhat pathetic assassination attempt?
A shout jerked Luna from her musings. She glanced up to see Bubbles waving a hoof at something in the water. “Princess Luna, look!”
Luna delicately plucked the floating object off the water’s surface and brought it up for a closer look. Her eyes widened. The bright orange feather shone like the sun, radiating heat like warm sand on a beach. Only one creature in the castle had feathers like this and the power to heat her body to the point where it was blazing. Just as she suspected, an orange creature with wings flew straight out of the water and made for the exit. Luna dashed to the halls, hoping to catch sight of where it was going, but she lost sight of the bird. Shaking with rage, Luna let loose with the full fury of the Royal Canterlot Voice.
“Philomena!”
***
“Honestly, Luna, I think you’re taking this a little too far,” said Celestia as she took another spoonful of porridge. She waved her hoof over the table covered with every breakfast delicacy imaginable. “Why not just forget about it and focus on breakfast. Or would you like something more suitable like a dinner meal?”
Across the table, a sulking Luna finished her orange juice. As she refilled it, Luna answered, “I’ve told you, Sister, despite our sleep schedules I don’t mind having breakfast in the morning with you.” When her cup was full she drank the whole thing in one gulp and slammed the glass on the table. “What I would like is for you to tell that accursed pet of yours to stop pranking me! It took me hours to get rid of the red spots on my pelt, which made me late for night court!”
“Philomena is just having fun. You know she likes to be a bit of a prankster once and awhile,” assured Celestia. “I have had Philomena as a pet for over three hundred years and I know she doesn’t mean any harm.”
“Oh really?” Luna raised an eyebrow. “History says otherwise. Remember when she drew on my face with a marker? It took me at least two hours to wonder why everypony was snickering when I walked past them.”
“At least it was not permanent,” pointed out Celestia, taking a sip of her coffee.
“What about the time she placed a whoopee cushion on the throne when I went to have my night court and everypony thought I passed gas?” Luna’s cheeks blushed redder than the carafe of tomato juice resting to her left. “I have never been so embarrassed in all my years, both before my banishing and now! Even the guards were snickering!”
“Harmless fun,” said Celestia, putting a hoof to her mouth and stifling a snicker.
“And then there was the time I got a letter from somepony claiming to be my ‘biggest fan.’ When I went to meet this fan, all dressed up, I found nothing more than a fan, literally, waiting for me!” Luna cried. “I still do not know how she even managed to write the letter!”
“Well, that one may have been me…” whispered Celestia, smirking as she peeled a banana.
“What was that?” asked Luna.
“Nothing.” Celestia put her fruit down and gave her sister a warm smile. “Very well, I will talk to her later today and ask her to stop pranking you.”
“Thank you,” said Luna, with a smile.
Before they could talk further, there was a knock on the door. After allowing entrance, the sisters watched one of the day guards enter and bow. “Sorry to interrupt your private breakfast, your majesties. One of the tour groups visiting the castle has fillies and colts who are begging to see the princesses."
“Thank you, sir. You may return to your post.” Celestia turned to her sister and asked, “Do you want to come with me and greet our little ponies?”
“You go, Tia. I’m going to finish here and head to bed,” yawned Luna, waving her hoof.
“Alright, see you in the evening, Lulu.” Celestia bowed to her sister and exited the dining room with the guard.
When her sister was gone, Luna quickly glanced around the room. Nopony was around. Luna rubbed her hooves together and grinned. Using her magic, she summoned an item from her room and nearly squealed as it landed in her hooves. It was a blue and red sock covered with purple crescent moons. Luna wore it over her left front hoof and smiled. “Good morning, Mr. Socko!”
Luna moved her sock-covered hoof up and down as she used her best gentlecolt voice. “Good morning to you too, Princess Luna.”
“Are you ready for another adventure today before bed?” asked Luna.
“You betcha, but first I’m really hungry!” declared Mr. Socko.
Luna smiled and pointed to the table. “Well, Mr. Socko, we have plenty of delicious food all ready for us to eat. Shall we dine together?”
“It would be an honor, milady!” said Mr. Socko as Luna made her sock puppet bow.
“Oh, Mr. Socko, you are such a gentlesock!” Luna laughed and turned, noticing a lid-covered tray. The heavenly smell of waffles hung thick and rich in the air over the silvered dome. Licking her lips, Luna brought the tray forward and set it down in front of her.
When Luna pulled up the lid, she gasped—but the gasp quickly turned into an angry growl. Half the night she had spent looking for the prankster and now she found her. Sitting on the tray, waffle in beak, was Philomena. She turned around and tweeted, giving Luna a two-feather salute of impudent greeting.
Luna wasn’t impressed. “You have five seconds to let go of that waffle before I cage you.”
Philomena’s eyes drifted to Luna’s sock puppet. She began to laugh uncontrollably and pointed at Mr. Socko. Luna turned to Mr. Socko and gasped, turning bright red. “Th-this isn’t w-what it looks like!”
Luna’s blush only deepened as Philomena started pounding the table with her wings, feathered body wracked with hilarity. Growling, Luna tried to grab Philomena with her magic, but nothing happened. Ugh, I forgot. Stupid phoenixes and their high immunity towards magic.
Her eyes then noticed the tray underneath Philomena and grinned. Surrounding her magic around the lid, Luna forced it to flip over, launching Philomena into the air. She landed on the edge of a bowl of scrambled eggs, sending it into the air. After a few surprisingly graceful loops and spins that would have done credit to a particularly agile pegasus, the egg-filled bowl landed. On Princess Luna’s head.
Luna’s eye twitched as the gooey eggs slipped down her mane and onto her back. A second later she dived for the bird, rage in her eyes. Philomena squawked and flew away, using her legs to knock back whatever food she could to calm down the raging beast. This only added more fuel to Luna’s burning ire. Eggs, porridge, grapefruit, salt, milk, juice, and more were tossed around and splattered all over the room as the chase continued around the table.
Philomena managed to avoid a swipe from Luna’s hoof by diving forward. She rolled across the table and came up brandishing a butter knife. Without a moment’s hesitation, Princess Luna snatched up a matching knife of her own with her magic, twisting it to test its balance. The knives’ dull edges glittered. For a moment all was silent in the dining hall. And then—
“Have at thee!” screamed Luna, lunging forward. The knives clashed. Up and down, left and right, the combatants slashed and parried each other’s attacks and sent more chinaware clattering to the floor.
Luna, looking to her sock out of the corner of her eye, asked, “How am I doing, Mr. Socko?”
“Splendid, Princess Luna! Keep up the good fight!” cheered Mr. Socko.
Luna saw her chance and knocked the knife out of her opponent’s wing. With her weapon gone, Philomena gulped and saw the sinister face of Princess Luna, reveling in her victory. “I think I am in the mood for boiled phoenix for dinner!”
With a butter knife dangling overhead, Philomena looked desperately for aid or escape. Her frantic gaze landed on a bowl of yogurt nearby. Just as Luna was about to step forward, Philomena grabbed the yogurt and threw it. The bowl smashed into Luna’s face. “Ah! My eyes!”
Luna stepped back and slipped on a plate of warm butter. Pitching backwards, she fell head first into a bowl of chocolate pudding. Taking this chance, Philomena flapped her wings and flew towards the exit. Luna managed to get back on all fours and wiped the chocolate and yogurt off her face. She followed Philomena, screaming bloody murder.
***
“And this hallway leads to the dining room, where my sister and I eat and exchange our greetings to one another,” explained Celestia as she lead the tour group along with a small group of guards. The tourists were all ‘oohing’ and ‘aaahing’ while a few snapped as many pictures as they could.
The foals were an energetic bunch and Celestia couldn’t help but be amused by their behavior. From the moment Celestia had greeted the tour group, they had bombarded her with question after question about her and her sister. Where did they sleep? Did they ever have parents? What were their hobbies? One colt even asked if alicorns used the bathroom like every other pony, much to his mother’s embarrassment. Celestia answered by showing them her bedroom, her family portrait, and her garden. She avoided showing off the last one for the sake of taste and just simply answered yes. Ah, to be young and full of curiosity.
One of fillies asked, “What’s Princess Luna like?”
Celestia gave the little pony a proud smile. “Princess Luna is just as proper, disciplined, and well mannered as me. In fact, if she was here I’m sure she would show you.”
As if on cue one of the hallway doors slammed open. Everypony’s jaw dropped as a crazed Luna stormed into the hall. Smeared with food and wearing a single sock, she looked like an escapee from some kind of mental institution. This impression was confirmed a moment later when Luna brought up the sock up to her face, screaming, “Where is she! Do you see where the accursed bird fled, Mr. Socko?!”
The audience’s faces filled with horror when Luna, changing her voice to that of a male’s, answered herself. “Not yet, Luna! But she could not have gotten far! Don’t worry! Revenge will be ours!”
“Yes! And when I find that phoenix I will go all Nightmare Moon on her feathery behind!” Princess Luna unleashed a sinister laugh that sent the foals scurrying to hide behind their parents. With a yell, Luna dashed between the stunned Celestia and terrified tour group to continue down the hall, still laughing maniacally.
Everypony stood still until the bizarre princess and her crazed laughter faded down the hall. As one, the ponies of the tour group turned to Princess Celestia. Their stares mixed equal parts worry, disbelief, and abject terror. Faced with such a cocktail of emotions, Princess Celestia hesitated for a moment, coughing into one hoof as she tried to avoid the small crowd’s collective gaze. Finally, Celestia cleared her throat and smiled. “Of course, sometimes my sister has her bad days.”
***
Once again, the avian annoyance had escaped Princess Luna’s grasp. She wasn’t sure why Philomena seemed so intent on making her life a living nightmare, but she was too tired to care. It was already ten in the morning, way past her bedtime, and she was exhausted from such a terrible day. And it was all thanks to a certain phoenix who Luna was tempted to send to the moon to suffer a thousand years of isolation.
Luna walked over to her sock drawer and her worries were washed away when she looked at her collection. There was Woolbur, Mr. and Mrs. Hevesy, Tickle Pink, Sir Warms-a-Lot, Nicky Nylon, Cotton Eye Joe, Mittzy, and many more. Placing Mr. Socko with the rest of her babies, Luna kissed each of them before making her way to bed. Before she could get under the covers, she heard a knock at her door and huffed. “What is it now?”
One of her sister’s guards poked his head in. “Um… Princess Celestia requires your attendance to discuss the ‘breakfast incident.’”
Luna could feel her headache returning as she left her room. Unbeknownst to her, something slowly crawled out of its hiding spot underneath the bed and gazed towards the open sock drawer.
***
By the time Luna was done talking to Celestia, she had decided to make an appointment for an ear doctor tomorrow. Apparently, Celestia still knew how to use the Royal Canterlot Voice. When she reached her bedroom door, Luna found it hard to resist smashing her head against the wall. Her day had peaked when she’d gotten up and gone swiftly downhill from there. All thanks to that stupid pet bird of her sister.
At least it can’t get any worse… When Luna entered her chambers, she took in the state of the room and froze. Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped as far as it could. Mittzy, Mr. Woolbur, Sir Warms-a-lot… all her knitted friends were strewn across the floor, lying where some callous monster had tossed them. All save for one.
Sitting on the bed Philomena toyed idly with the crown jewel of Luna’s sock collection. Mr. Socko looked strained and uncomfortably forced onto the bird’s flame-colored wing and Luna’s heart instantly went out to her much-abused friend. Philomena turned around and saw the stupefied Luna. Grinning maliciously, it tweeted a cheeky greeting.
Philomena had lived a long life, but apparently nopony had ever told her an important thing about Princess Luna. In fact, there were three things in the world to be avoided at all costs when it came to the night princess unless one wished to meet an untimely demise. First, one should never call her Lulu; only Celestia had that right. Second, one should never attempt to wake her from a sound sleep. And third, and by far the most important fact: one should never, ever, ever, touch her sock collection.
“GIVE! ME! BACK! MY! SOCKO!” roared Luna, diving forward. Philomena squawked before jumping off the bed, but was jerked up short when Luna’s muzzle snapped onto the sock. Like a wild beast fighting for its meal, Luna continued to clench the sock between her teeth. Philomena screeched and tried to remove her wing from the sock, but Luna’s bite was too powerful.
With no other choice, Philomena teleported with a spark of flames and disappeared. The blast of fire knocked Luna back into the wall, leaving her in a dazed heap on the floor. When her eyes stopped rolling, Luna was ready to cheer in triumph—but instead she gasped in horror. “Mr. Socko!”
She rushed over to her now burned sock and cradled it in her hooves. A few tears dripped down her cheeks as she whispered, “It is okay, Mr. Socko… I’m here… I’m here…” Cradling the ruined sock to her chest, she raised her head and gave voice to her anguish with a single scream.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
***
“Your majesty, I can’t thank you enough for allowing me to be your assistant for your party this week,” said Fancy Pants, bowing to Celestia. He looked around the throne room and raised his eyebrow. “Are you sure you want to have it in the throne room? I think the gardens would be a simply fabulous alternative.”
“Now, Fancy Pants, I understand my gardens are popular,” commented Celestia. She looked up at the glass mosaic windows, feeling a faint smile grace her lips. She adored looking at them when the sun shined through their multi-colored frames. “But I think we should change things up a bit with my parties. I feel that hosting one in the throne room will be just—“
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Everypony in the room covered their ears as the cry of grief tore through the air. Celestia watched in horror as her precious windows cracked and shattered into tiny pieces. Guards and attendants fled to avoid the sudden rain of sharp, glittering fragments. When the scream was finally gone, everypony held their breath and stared at the sun princess. Her left eye was twitching.
“On second thought… the gardens might not be such a bad idea… due to… recent plans for redecoration…” hissed Celestia, already thinking of the words she would have with her sweet and caring sister later on.
***
In the library at Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle and her assistant Spike held their breath as they stared at the bubbling green liquid in one of Twilight’s innumerable beakers. The strange fluid was the result of an entire morning of work by both of them… which was to say, of course, an entire morning of Spike working while Twilight watched and gave one order after another. Twilight carefully levitated the beaker for a closer inspection. She grinned and turned to Spike, waving the contained liquid in his face. “Guess what we just did, Spike!”
Spike took a closer look at the bubbling green liquid and shrugged. “I don’t know, make a cure for the common cold?”
“Please Spike, nothing that impressive,” chided Twilight. She gazed at her experiment like a precious treasure and kissed the beaker. “This is a polymorph potion. Whoever drinks it will transform into a random animal.” She clapped her hooves and squealed. “Imagine it! It could turn anypony who takes it into a dragon, or a hydra, or a chimera, or who knows what else!”
“You’re not going to test that on yourself are you?” asked Spike, looking cautiously at the beaker.
“Of course not,” said Twilight, smiling sweetly. “That’s what assistants are for.”
“What?!” shouted Spike. He turned to run, but Twilight already had his tail in her telekinetic grip.
Before Twilight could take any further action, the library’s windows shattered as a familiar powerful voice rolled over Ponyville.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Twilight and Spike covered their ears, trying to block out the scream. Unfortunately for the beaker, it had no protection. Its contents sloshing, the beaker vibrated with the anguished cry until it shattered. Green liquid splattered down, some of it landing in Twilight’s mouth. Twilight gasped in horror and, just as the horrible shriek finally faded, there was a blinding flash of verdant light. Twilight disappeared. When Spike opened his eyes, he turned his head left and right. “Twilight! Where are you?”
“Ribbit.”
Spike looked down and gasped. A small green frog sporting a nicely combed lavender mane looked back, purple eyes wide with shock. A grin spread slowly across Spike’s face. Unable to hold back, Spike fell onto his back and laughed.
Twilight hopped onto the dragon’s stomach and glared. “Very funny, Spike.”
“Sorry, Twilight Froggle , but from where I’m sitting, I’m just glad it’s you and not me!” teased Spike. He got up and placed Twilight on the table. “So how long does it last?”
“About an hour. Until then, I guess we’ll just have to wait,” croaked Twilight.
“Yeah, sure. I’m going to hang out at Rarity’s in the meantime,” said Spike, making his way to the door.
“Wait! What am I supposed to do?” asked Twilight, hopping up and down.
Spike turned back toward his froggy friend and grinned. “Why not head down to Froggy Bottom Bog and interview some of the frogs there? I bet it would make a nice research essay for the princess.”
“What? Why on earth would I do that?” asked Twilight.
“I don’t know, sort of seems like the thing that only leaps at you once in a lifetime.”
Twilight continued to shout threats as he left, laughing his scaly tail off.
***
It had taken the dragon nearly a year, but at long last he had found a suitable cave to serve as his bedroom for the next century. Sure, he had found one spot in Equestria, but that had been lost thanks to that yellow pony with the terrible eyes. The mere thought of her sent a shudder down his spine.
The exhausted dragon’s search had drawn him all the way north to the mountains where the snow was bitter and the winds were fierce, but at last he was ready. He had his horde, he had his cave, and there were definitely no ponies to bother him. Everything was perfect.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Wincing at the sudden ringing in his ears, the dragon looked around for the cause of his sudden headache. He was quickly confronted with a problem more serious than a simple migraine. Snow and ice fell from the ceiling as the cave started to shake. Narrowly avoiding entombment, the beast sped out of the cave, darting through the entrance just as his perfect sleeping spot collapsed with a rumble of icy rock and a spray of snow. That had been close.
Then the dragon remembered that his entire horde was still in the ex-cave, now buried under uncountable tons of rock. Collapsing, the great red beast began to cry.
***
When her voice finally gave out, Luna’s sorrowful look was replaced with one of righteous fury. The only sound whispering in the silence of Luna’s mind was the sweet tune of promised vengeance.
Rushing to the edge of her balcony, she shouted out, “I Princess Luna Artemis Diana Beatrix Leah Olympia Faust, Princess of the Moon and the Night, Diarch of Equestria, and Mistress of the Socks will have my revenge on Philomena the Phoenix! I will not rest until I have plucked her of every feather! I will make her feel the wrath of a thousand pranks! I don’t care if it takes into an eternity! I will avenge my honor: mine and Mr. Socko’s! So mote it be!” With determination on her face, Luna smashed her hoof against the floor and flared her nostrils.
Prepare yourself, Philomena! Because I will make war with you and will not stop until victory is mine!
Palace Perils
By The Rated Ponystar
Formerly Edited by Fernin, tayman2037, and Clavier
Edited by: Adjudicator and Unnamed Pawn
***
Mr. Cake didn’t often like to admit it in front of others, especially in a town that adored pets, but he wasn’t very fond of animals. He had nothing personal against them; rather they seemed to have something against him. Whenever he went out, he would always have to deal with some bird pecking at his head, a cat scratching his clothes, or a dog peeing on him like he was a tree trunk. Strangely enough, the only animal that he had no problems with should have been the most dangerous.
Holding Gummy’s food tray, Mr. Cake placed the toothless alligator’s lunch beside the reptile and stared into those creepy eyes. It brought a shiver down his spine. How in Faust’s name Pinkie convinced us to let her keep him, I’ll never know. He turned around and shook his head before closing the door, convinced the alligator would be doing nothing like he always did.
Oh, how wrong he was.
After making sure the coast was clear, Gummy sat up on his hind legs and smiled, blinking his eyes now that he no longer needed to be in cover. Walking towards his bed, he lifted his mattress and pressed a big red button, causing a part of the wall to open up and reveal a tunnel chute. The grinning alligator went down the chute before it was hidden again by the secret passage in the wall.
Mr. Cake entered the room again, swearing to himself that he heard a noise. Upon seeing nothing out of the ordinary, other than Gummy disappearing again, he shrugged his shoulders and closed the door.
***
A few minutes later, deep under Ponyville, a steel door opened to reveal none other than Gummy, dressed in the tuxedo that he always kept ready and spiffed. He proceeded to walk into his headquarters’ main room, filled with gadgets and the latest spy technology available on the market, the majority consisting of computers, monitors, and data scanning equipment. His grin widened as he passed each gadget, remembering every use of them on his secret missions given to him by the brass.
“You're late, Agent G,” said a female voice from behind the chair positioned in front of the room’s most dominant feature, a massive supercomputer connected to dozens of monitors. Her claws typed away on the keys before she turned around, revealing a feline glare that cowed most agents. But Gummy, having worked with Miss Opal for years, knew that behind that jungle fury was a gentle pussy cat.
“Sorry, Miss Opal,” answered Gummy in his usual Trottingham accent, “Had to wait until Mr. Cake was sure I wasn’t going to do anything suspicious. And might I add I love the diamond necklace. I’m assuming it’s from Rarity?”
Opal rolled her eyes as she went back to typing. “No, I got it from Winona. Of course it’s from my owner, you idiot. Now listen up, we’ve got a problem.”
“What’s the sitch?” asked Gummy, now turning to the board of monitors with a frown. A number of images of a cow with a long pointed beard, narrow eyes, and dressed in Nieghponese clothing flickered across the majority of screens, transforming the alligator’s frown into a glaring scowl. “My arch-enemy, and one of the most evil scientists in the world: Fu Moochu.”
“Yes, we believe he’s recently came across an illegal shipment of Mind Control Potions that were being shipped from Stalliongrad,” explained Opal, pulling up a picture of the potion while a list of its side effects were shown in a separate window. “We didn’t know where the potions were located until we found out that Moochu happened to be spotted at this building.”
A photograph of a cow, surrounded by ponies in white work gear, was shown entering a building. That raised Gummy’s eyebrow. “Isn't that...”
“The Hoofgen Dazs Ice Cream Factory in Canterlot? Yes,” said Opal, removing all the images and replacing the screen with a blueprint of the building. “Your mission is to enter the factory, find the potions and sabotage them. Capture Fu Moochu if you can, but the potions come first.”
“Don’t worry, Opal,” said Gummy, giving her a toothless smile. “By the time I come back, we’ll have just enough time for dessert.”
Opal gave a brief smile before returning to her scowl. “If you're done wasting your time on one-liners, you should head to your jetpack. You’ll find all your usual gear there as well.” Gummy nodded and was about to make his way towards the launch pads when Opal turned around and said, “Agent G! Gummy... come back alive, alright. I don’t want to waste the night writing your death certificate.”
Agent G smiled. “Relax, Opal. I’ll be back, and I’ll bring back some whipped cream for tonight,” he said with a sly wink.
The blush on Opal returned twofold as Gummy left the room. Secretly, she was also hoping he would bring back some cherries as well.
***
Outside of Sugarcube Corner, Derpy Hooves was happily making her way towards the Cake’s mailbox, humming a tune she heard on the radio this morning. Taking out a series of letters she prepared to place them in when she felt the ground shake. Her crossed eyes widened as the ground in front of her sunk a bit and then slid underneath itself.
In it’s place was now a deep pony sized hole that looked to be made of metal from the inside. Curious, Derpy peered inside, only to suddenly fall back on her rear with a yipe when something shot out faster than she could blink. Adjusting her eyes, she saw what looked to be Pinkie’s pet alligator in a tuxedo flying with a jetpack on his back. He glanced at her, gave a two finger salute, and flew off in the direction of Canterlot.
Derpy stared at the retreating figure in the sky before turning back to the mailbox which had come back into place when she wasn’t looking. She stared at it for some time before she put in the letters, shrugged her shoulders, and continued to hop to her next stop, humming happily.
***
Inside the Hoofgen Dazs Ice Cream Charity Fundraiser, four mares were going through the absolute worst thing that anypony could get in a factory surrounded by vanilla, chocolate, and dozens of other flavors of delicious ice cream: total brain freeze. Moaning, Berry Punch was the first to raise her head from the table. “Kill me... sweet Faust, end my suffering and kill me...”
“Why must everything good in the world always destroy you internally?” muttered Lyra, rubbing her stomach in pain. The four of them were covered in ice cream with nearly a hundred empty bowls surrounding them. An upset janitor glared at them before picking the dishes up one by one.
Each of the mares slowly began to fall asleep from all they ate until a large ringing noise startled them violently awake. They looked around for the noise, until Bon-Bon heard it coming from her saddlebags. Reaching inside, she pulled out a radio and turned it on. “Um, hello?”
“Where the hay have you been!” shouted Colgate from the other end.
“Colgate?”
“No, it’s Santa Hooves. Of course it’s me! Princess Luna threw me out of the factory after I caught her supplying the enemy with her own specially made cakes! I need your help to break back inside!”
The four rolled their eyes. Lyra levitated the radio over to her and said, “Why can’t you just walk back in the front door? Why do we have to do anything?”
“Because those security guards have been getting in my way! I’ve tried charging forth, but they just levitated me and threw me in the trash. Then I tried dressing up as an old lady looking for her grandcolt, but my wig got blown off by the wind. And I even tried pretending I was an Element of Harmony, but they didn’t buy it when I told them my element.”
“What did you say your element was?”
“The Element of Toothpaste.”
Four face hoofs simultaneously happened. Cheerilee took the radio and replied, “Toothpaste isn't’ an Element of Harmony, Colgate.”
“Well, it should be. Anyway, me and my new comrade are by the back entrance, but we’ll need help getting in. I need three of you to come meet us while one of you stays behind and tries to stop Princess Luna from giving everypony those cakes. Apparently, she’s up to something with them and I want her stopped! Now on three! One! Two! Three! Super Shiny Teeth Team Go!”
“Super Shiny Teeth Team Go... ugh,” muttered the four as Cheerilee tossed the radio away.
The four turned to their left where, from a distance, they could see Princess Luna ordering her guards to continue bringing in the cakes, the pile of which had increased greatly in size. Berry shook her head. “So which one of us is spared from insanity? Cheer? Check the list.”
Cheerilee reached into her saddlebags and took out a small notepad. She flipped the pages as each of them waited with held breath. When she stopped, Cheerilee groaned at who she saw was written next. “Lyra...”
“Yes!” Lyra clapped her hooves while Bon-Bon and Berry Punch sighed in frustration. “Well, might as well get started. I happen to be very good at distractions.” To her friends’ surprise, she levitated a miniature boom box out of her saddlebags.
At the sight of this, Bon-Bon’s eyes widened. “Lyra... don’t tell me you’re going too...”
The sly smile on Lyra’s face was enough to make Bon-Bon sweat. “Oh, I am. See you girls later!”
The three watched as Lyra happily skipped away, Bon-Bon covering her face with her hooves. Berry leaned forward and asked, “So what is she gonna do that’s so bad?”
Although her hooves were blocking her face, the two others were able to hear three words. “... her happy dance...”
***
The crowd forming around Luna’s stand had gotten much bigger now that most of the cakes were piled on top of one another. Many of the foals were licking their chops at the sight of such royal looking cakes, each of them wanting to just dive forward and taste the smooth frosting in their mouths. Philomena couldn’t help but chuckle. Soon her big prank would come to fruition and the fundraiser would become a real chocolate-fest. And once it’s discovered that ‘Luna’ was the one who did this, they’ll driver her straight out of Canterlot! That will teach her! She couldn’t help but raise her head proudly. Nothing can go wrong now!
“Hey everypony!”
Philomena opened her eyes and turned around where she saw everypony looking at a light green unicorn standing on her hind hooves on a stand. She put down a boom box and shouted, “Everypony watch as I do my Happy Butt Dance!”
Wait, her what?
At the mentioning of this, the unicorn pressed play on the box which started playing a catchy tune that started to get a few ponies nodding their heads too. All of a sudden Philomena saw the strangest, most curiously hypnotic, dance . All the unicorn did was put her forelegs to her flanks and started shaking it back and forth while on her hind legs. It went on and on, and while it was such a stupid dance, for some reason nopony could look away.
Maybe it was the sheer silliness or the music that seemed to never end, but everypony in the immediate area from the guards, to the visitors, to even Philomena herself just focused on that single unicorn. And she shook her rump on and on and on...
***
Luna was starting to grow impatient. Although Colgate had assured her that her friends would distract Philomena long enough for them to get back inside, every second wasted was another nail in her reputation’s coffin. Growling, Luna shouted, “Ugh! Will they just get here already?!”
Colgate, busy eying the only security guard at the back gate, turned from her hiding spot near a trash can and hissed. “Quiet! That guard doesn’t know we’re here yet! You want our cover blown?!”
“Actually, you’re not that invisible since we saw you halfway down the street.”
Philomena and Colgate turned around to see Bon-Bon, Cheerilee, and Berry Punch walk towards them with bored expressions. Bon-Bon noticed Luna and raised her eyebrow. “Isn’t that Princess Celestia’s pet.”
“Yes, I am, but that’s not important,” said Luna who quickly raised her wing upon seeing the surprised faces. “And yes, I can talk, but that’s not important either. What is important is getting us back inside the factory so we can stop Philo-I mean-Princess Luna from causing serious harm to my-ugh, I mean-her reputation.”
“Why do you care? Rumor has it that you two hated each other,” asked Berry Punch. “Hasn’t there been some sort of prank war going on between you two?”
“Who told you that?” asked Luna, tilting her head.
“I’ve got a brother in the guard,” answered Berry, “That still doesn’t answer the question.”
“Yes... well,” Luna tried to think of a good excuse, but she was coming up short. There was no way they would believe that she was the real Princess Luna unless she had proof.
Thankfully, she was saved by Colgate who interrupted them. “Look, it doesn’t matter. We need to get in there and you three need to help us!”
“Why?” asked Bon-Bon, duly. “We really have no obligation to do this.”
“Why?!” screamed Colgate rising up to all fours. Chest puffed out and hoof raised, Colgate answered, “We must do this so that the future of foals’ teeth is white, sparkling, and clean! We have a duty as grown ups to protect them from the evils of plaque, gingivitis, and cavities! We have had tough times and there will be even tougher times, but like the warriors of old we will prevail and have our names go down in history! So what say you, my friends?! Shall you join me in bring down this establishment of evil! Or let our future waste away like yellow molars.”
Colgate’s friends looked at each other and then back at her saying, “No.”
“Gah! Fine!” shouted Colgate, glaring at the floor. “I’ll pay for dinners at T.F.I. Friday’s for two months.”
“Plus tip?” asked Cheerilee.
“... yes.”
“We’re in,” the three replied immediately.
Luna rolled her eyes. “Great, now that all this is done, how are we planning to get past the guard?” She pointed to the stone-faced pegasus that stood barring the entrance at full attention. Even though he was a security guard, he had the physique of a royal guard, and seemed to carry the same discipline with him.
“Oh, this will be easy. All I have to do is play my usual role and we’ll be in,” said Cheerilee. She cleared her voice and proceeded to walk forward, the others watching her as she trotted towards the guard.
When she was right up in front of him, she gave the best fake nervous smile she could give and said, “Excuse me, sir? I’m afraid I’ve lost one of my little students and was wondering if you could allow me inside to see if she wandered off around here?”
The guard didn’t respond. He didn’t even glance at Cheerilee, who was starting to look really worried. “I’m serious, sir. This filly is lost and afraid, and I don’t know what kind of trouble she might be getting herself into!” The guard still didn’t respond.
Seeing that she wasn’t getting anywhere with this, Cheerilee started to back away. “W-well, I guess I’ll look elsewhere. It was nice meeting you, and if you do see her please tell her that her teacher is looking for her. Goodbye.”
Grumbling, Cheerilee retreated back to the other girls, who were looking at her with amusement. “What happened to this being easy, Cheer?” asked Berry in amusement. Cheerilee responded with some more mumbling before sitting down with her hooves crossed.
“Alright, so Cheerilee failed. Who's next?” asked Luna.
Bon-Bon smirked and stepped forward. “Watch and learn, ladies. If there is anything that can distract a stallion, it’s a beautiful mare.”
Unable to resist, Berry snickered. “Oh really? Where are we gonna find one at this hour?”
Ignoring her friend’s remark, Bon-Bon made her way towards the unmoving guard. Raising her shoulder a bit and winking, she said, “Pardon me good sir. But I seem to be a bit lost at the moment. Could you help me find my way around the city so I can make my way towards a friend I’m suppose to meet?” She held her position for a waiting for a reaction, but to her shock there was none. Not a flushed face, a raised eyebrow, or even a perverted grin. Realizing she had to play a bit more physical, she turned around and started stroking her tail under his chin.
“Oh, have I ever mentioned that I love a pony in uniform? With that handsome rugged face, those charming eyes, and that impressive physique! Growl,” said Bon-Bon, leaning back and raising her hindquarters for a bit. “Oh, dear it seems I’ve lost a contact lens, I need to search around a bit more. Maybe you’d like to help?” She pursed her lips and shook her flank back and forth seductively, flicking her tail around.
Even still, the guard chose to ignore her and keep his cool. Frustrated, Bon-Bon stood up and glared at the guard. “What the buck is the matter with you?! A hot mare comes around shoving her rump in your face and you’re not responding at all?! Am I not pretty enough?! Are you a coltcuddler?! Are you just blind?! Answer me!”
Bon-Bon continued to yell at the guard until she started panting from exhaustion. With one last huff, she turned tail and retreated to her posse where half of them were laughing. “It’s not funny,” mumbled Bon-Bon.
“Then why am I laughing?!” roared Cheerilee, barely able to stand.
“Ugh, this is impossible! Nopony can get through that guy!” shouted Bon-Bon, stomping her hoof.
Berry Punch rolled her eyes and said, “Geez, do I have to do everything around there?” She dusted off her coat before walking towards the back gate. “Let a pro handle this.”
The four of them watched as Berry lazily made her way towards the security guard. Luna asked, “What do you think she’s gonna do?”
Bon-Bon scoffed. “Knowing her, she’ll be asking to take him to a bar...”
When Berry made it to the guard she raised her right hoof and delivered a mean right hook the security guard never saw coming. The guard’s expression was one of total shock before he fell onto the ground, knocked out. Berry just rubbed her hoof a bit before turning to her shocked friends with a smile.
“.... or maybe she’ll commit assault and battery.”
The others rushed over and stared at the guard. Luna quickly asking, “What was that for?!”
“What? It worked, right?” asked Berry Punch nodding to the guard. “We got our entrance and he’ll be out of it for a good while.”
Luna was about to say something, but Colgate interrupted, “Who cares! We can worry about this later! Now charge!” Colgate screamed like a bloodthirsty warrior and charged in. The others looked at each other and shrugged before following her.
Unbeknownst to any of them, a hidden set of eyes had been watching the group and saw them enter the factory. Realizing he needed to report this, he tapped his communicator wristwatch. “This is Agent G, I repeat, Agent G. Do you come in HQ?”
“HQ is receiving you, Agent G. Please make your report.” said Opal on the other line of the communicator.
“Well, it turns out that the guard is down, thanks to a pack of innocent bystanders looking to break into the factory. Why, I don’t know, but they don’t know the dangers that lie in that factory...” he muttered. He hated seeing civilians get threatened; it was even worse when they didn't even know it was right in front of them. “I’m going to follow them, make sure things don’t become too much of a hassle.”
“Remember your mission, G. You have to sabotage that factory before Fu Moochu manages to unleash whatever plan he has. The fate of the free world rests in your hands, Agent G.”
“Doesn’t it always?” said Agent G, smirking. “G, out.”
He closed off communications and adjusted his bowtie. After all, what’s a spy without his garment?
***
Lyra continued her dance for as long as she could, but even she eventually got tired of shaking her flank around like a Red Lantern District stripper. Unable to take anymore, Lyra soon fell to her flank and started panting. The batteries in the boom box also conveniently died out as well, allowing the mystified audience to realize it was all over and burst in applause. Lyra looked up and nervously waved her hoof with a blush on her face.
Gathering her senses, Philomena quickly remembered what she was supposed to be doing and turned back to her guards. “What are you all standing around here for! Go get the rest of the cakes!”
“Yes, your majesty,” said the guards as they made their way back towards the back entrance.
Nervously glancing around, Lyra tried to think of a quick plan to get the princess’ attention and delay the cake distribution. She had to do something, anything that would cause enough trouble to bring everypony into a chaotic state. Looking around, Lyra cursed. All there is around here are tubs of ice cream, ice cream cakes, pies, and other... desserts... Lyra facehoofed. Jeez, even a foal would have thought this up in a second.
Levitating a nearby slice of pumpkin pie with vanilla on it, Lyra aimed at Philomena and threw it. It sailed through the air before landing smack in the back of the princess’s head, causing her to yipe in surprise. Everypony who saw the incident gasped in shock and froze as Philomena spun around and glared at the crowd. “Which one of you did that?”
Eyes glowing with magic, Philomena searched the nervous crowd until her eyes gazed upon a whistling Lyra who was doing her best ‘innocent’ impression. Realizing that it was her, Philomena saw an ice cream cone in a mare’s levitation and grabbed it before throwing it at Lyra. However, Lyra saw it coming a mile away and ducked just in time. The ice cream cone continued flying through the air until abruptly splattering against the nose of a stallion.
“Hey!” he cried out before taking a choclate ice cream cake and throwing it at Philomena. She ducked and the overthrown cake hit a nearby couple. They retaliated, throwing some desserts at ponies, who, following suit, threw even more desserts.
Realizing her plan had worked, Lyra, excitedly, bellowed out, “Food fight!”
And the chaos began.
***
The back door was kicked open as Colgate rolled inside, her horn lit up incase they were spotted. When it became clear there were no guards, she turned to the door and motioned her partners in crime to follow her, which they did in a calm manner. The ponies began to shiver from the cold temperature in the room, to the point where Bon-Bon’s teeth were clattering.
Unaffected, Luna landed on Colgate’s shoulder and said, “Shouldn’t we be making as little noise as possible to avoid detection?”
Blushing, Colgate rubbed the back of her neck. “I-I was just keeping up my guard. You never know what you’ll find in here.”
Berry Punch rolled her eyes. “Oh, yeah. A bunch of overworked ice cream ponies are going to be a threat. Maybe they’ll attack us with their sprinkle guns before throwing us in ice cream cone prisons with only a rocky road sundae on the side?”
Ignoring her friend’s sarcasm, Colgate stomped her hoof. “Enough chatter. Listen up. We are in the den of cavities and this is our chance to make an impact on the war for clean teeth! All we need to do is sabotage this factory, and we’ll show the world not to mess with us!”
“What do you mean us?! The only dentist here is you, and quite frankly, you're not the most popular one around,” pointed out Cheerilee.
“What! I am so popular! Name one thing I’ve done wrong!” demanded Colgate.
“You tried to put braces on a newborn foal,” answered Cheerilee.
“Those braces would have made sure he had perfect teeth through high school!”
“Enough!” shouted Luna, perching on Berry’s shoulder. “I have an idea about how we can sabotage this place, as well as put an end to Phi-I mean-Luna’s plan! The ice cream factory needs ice cream to run, right? If we can melt enough ice cream to cause the factory to go into an emergency situation, the convention will have to stop right?”
“How are we gonna melt that much ice cream?” asked Berry, scratching her head.
Luna proudly raised her head. “Well, I am a phoenix, a creature born of flames. Naturally, I shall be the one to do it.”
“Or we can use the heater to get rid of this cold,” muttered Bon-Bon.
Luna snorted. “That’s such a ridiculous claim. As if such a place has... one...”
The others looked in disbelief as Bon-Bon pointed to a large map of the area on the nearby wall. One of the higher level rooms said the word ‘heater” on it, as well as a logo for the machine. The five of them stared at it for a long time until Berry asked the question they were all thinking. “Who puts a heater in an ice cream factory?”
“Well, whoever that pony is just happens to be an idiot,” said Colgate, grinning as she made her way towards a set of double doors. “But for us, it’s a chance to cripple this factory! Just as long as we don’t attract any attention to ourselves.”
“Hey!”
The five of them jumped and turned around to see a large unicorn, dressed in a white uniform and blue hardhat, walk over to them, glaring. He stopped and eyed each of them with suspicion. “Who the hay are you four ponies? And what’s with the phoenix?”
“Uh...” said Colgate, looking at her friends nervously.
Cheerilee stepped up and cleared her throat. “I’m sorry, sir. My friends and I are new employees here and we just got a bit lost. If you could just direct us to the... uh... locker rooms we’ll just be on our way to get suited up and ready to work.”
“And the bird?” asked the employee, pointing to Luna.
“Just a stuffed toy my daughter gave me!” said Berry, grabbing Luna and squeezing her. “It makes the most adorable comments when squeezed!”
Getting the hint, Luna, reluctantly, opened her mouth and spoke in a squeaky voice. “I’m so adorable that I bring a warm flame that lights up all the little foals with love!”
The employee walked up and grabbed Luna with his tail by the throat, slowly turning her blue. He started shaking her around, making her eyes roll, while shouting, “Toys are forbidden in the work area. Master Moochu will hear about this in my report. Now go get changed down the hall and report to your workstations!”
The girls nodded as Luna was dragged away by the employee; her eyes showing a plea for help. The ponies, however, could do nothing but watch their pheonix friend get dragged away around the corner. Bon-Bon scoffed, “Nice going, Berry. Now we just lost the princess’s bird.”
“Oh, I’m sure she’ll be fine. Phoenix's are tough creatures, right?” asked Berry, rubbing the back of her head. “Besides, I didn’t hear you come up with any bright ideas.”
“Look, let’s just go get some uniforms so we can look as inconspicuous as possible,” said Colgate, stomping her hoof. “After that, me and Cheerilee will go look for Philomena while Bon-Bon and Berry Punch go look for that heater and we’ll use that to melt all the ice cream and put this faust-forsaken company out of business! Let’s rock!”
The four girls made their way towards the locker room. Just as they left, a ventilation shaft entrance burst open from a small explosion and out came Agent G, looking around the area while reading his dart watch. When the coast was clear, he looked around and quickly saw the map. Eyeing the ‘heater’ room, Agent G turn on his communicator and asked, “Opal, can you double check to see if there is a heater in the factory?”
“Checking,” answered Opal. A few moments later, she replied, “Yes... there is one.... who puts a heater in an ice cream factory? It’s just stupid!”
“No idea, but the way I see it, that heater could be very useful for me. I’m going to check it out, over,” said Agent G as he tugged his tie three times, a wash of invisibility settling over him like a chameleon.
***
This is the most degrading day of my life, thought Princess Luna as she continued to be dragged by her captor. First, turned into a phoenix, then everypony thinks I like to make art with my plot, I might soon be known for giving Equestria the biggest diarrhea epidemic ever, and now I’m forced to act like a stuffed toy. Suddenly lunar banishment doesn’t seem as bad anymore.
The employee finally stopped and Luna looked up to see that they were in front of a storage closet. Opening the door, her unicorn captive looked around nervously before he rushed in, turned on the lights, and shut the door. Luna nearly gasped in disbelief at what she was seeing, but before she could comprehend further she suddenly found herself squeezed between her captor's hooves and his cheek.
“Oh my Celestia! You are the cutest thing ever! EEK!” he squealed.
Remembering her cover, Luna quickly thought about what a doll would say and choked out, “You’re my best friend!”
“Oh, you and I are gonna be best friends forever! Along with all my other friends!” said the unicorn, presenting the tea set he had with three other dolls in chairs. One of them was a purple dragon with a blue stomach and spots, sporting a dopey smile on his face; Luna recalled it was named Huffy, a kind of foal’s mascot that was all about love and family. The next was a blue monkey with a yellow stomach, big eyes, and red boots, and the last was a dark brown bear with a red heart on his stomach.
How old is this guy?! thought Luna as she was placed on the table. The unicorn sat on his own chair and levitated the teapot, slowing pouring some of the invisible tea into each of the cups. “Well, my friends. What do say we introduce ourselves to our new friend at the table? Hmm?” Using his magic, the unicorn moved the heads of all his stuffed toys as they ‘introduced’ themselves, with his own voice in different tones.
“Hi, I’m Huffy the Magical Dragon! I love you, I hope you love me, everypony here is one big family!”
“I’m Shoes! I’m a monkey that likes to go exploring with my best friend who speaks a different language!”
“And I’m Care Heart! I spread love and care all over the world so that all the little colts and fillies can get along!”
And I’m going to throw up and kill myself from the sheer stupidity of all this! thought Luna. My only hope is that Philomena is having a living nightmare, just like me.
***
This entire plan has become a damn nightmare! thought Philomena as she ducked under a pie that almost hit her in the face. The food fight might as well have been called a war, with the entire convention now looking like it had been torn apart by dessert bombs. Families were rushing out of the building, grabbing their foals who were either complaining about leaving or the tummy aches they had. Everypony else had either bunkered in behind the stands or was running around trying their best to keep fire off them while hurling their own desserts.
Her guards had abandoned their earlier orders of bringing in the poisoned cakes and were now heroically defending her, their uniforms covered in ice cream and cake. Philomena, however, was furious; most of her cakes were now out, but she was separated from them on the other side of the convention. Thankfully, she couldn’t see anypony grabbing them.
At least not until she saw a specific green unicorn that had caused the whole mess sneak towards the poisoned cakes and begin piling them on a cart with her magic. Furious, Philomena rushed out of the protective shield of her guards, despite their pleas. “Get away from those!” shouted Philomena, unknowingly tapping into the magical energies of her alicorn body and having her horn shine.
Lyra turned around and gasped at the sight of a furious, charging alicorn princesses rushing in while ignoring the tons of food hitting her. Looking around in a panic, Lyra noticed the cakes and picked one up before throwing it at Philomena. Upon seeing one of her prank cakes flying towards her, Philomena gasped and tried to come to a halt, but the cake made direct contact with her face, her mouth wide open. Gagging out the contents, Philomena soon realized in horror what was now inside her body. And already she could feel the uncomfortable cramps inside of her.
Moaning, she looked around for the bathrooms, sweating like a pig until she saw one for mares and rushed towards it. Her guards quickly followed her, but were forced to wait when the mare’s bathroom door slammed.
“Do you think she’s all right?” asked one of the guards.
Unpleasant sounds of horrible screams and noises better left unsaid filtered through the door. The guards turned green and shivered.
“That answer your question?”
***
Leaving the locker room, the four mares now had their own uniforms, similar to the one of the employee they saw earlier. Colgate rubbed her chin and tried to think of a strategy. “We really are in a pickle, girls. Philomena has been captured, no doubt being forced to endure their brainwashing techniques so they make sure she only brushes her teeth once a day instead of twice!” The three sane mares looked at each other with raised eyebrows, questioning why they were friends with her, and not for the first time, either. “Therefore, I propose that we stick with the plan to split up. Half of us going to find that heater while the other half goes to rescue Philomena.”
“Great plan, General Neighpoleon, but how are we even gonna find Philomena in the first place?” asked Bon-Bon.
Before Colgate could answer a voice cried out, “Excuse me!” They turned around and spotted another employee, this time an earth pony, who walked up to them and pointed at Colgate and Cheerilee. “I need you two to help me out with the boss’s plan. The final preparations are ready and I could use your assistance.”
“Uh, you see we can’t because... um....” said Cheerilee, nervously sweating.
“It’s our lunch break!” said Berry Punch.
“... at four in the afternoon?” asked the employee.
“It’s a very late lunch break.”
Shaking his head, the employee said, “Look, unless you want to piss off the boss, I suggest you follow orders and help me. You other two can do whatever you want, but I need help now.”
“Oh come on, what’s the ‘boss’ gonna do? Fire us?” asked Berry, smirking.
“Well, that and he’ll shoot you, chop you into pieces, dip you in acid, before feeding your remains to his sharks with lasers on their heads,” answered the employee in calm voice, as if this was a regular occurrence, much to the girls’ disturbance.
“Fine, we’ll go, right Cheerilee? We can leave splitting the workload to the other girls,” said Colgate, winking towards Bon-Bon and Berry Punch.
Getting the message, the two soon took off while Colgate and Cheerilee reluctantly followed their guide. As they made their way down the halls, Cheerilee leaned over and whispered, “What do you think they're gonna make us do?”
Colgate growled, “Most likely have us help them in their evil plans to corrupt our youth in an effort to take over the world!”
Cheerilee rolled her eyes. “Colgate, will you stop with your nonsense? Not even my students come up with crazier stories when they forget their homework. Well, except Dinky. She keeps going on about how she and her family travels with an alien pony in a blue box through time and space battling ‘Daleks’ and ‘Cyberponies’...”
The two soon followed their guide through a set of double doors, and in an instant their mouths dropped. In front of them looked to be a huge secret lair with high tech computers, armed guards, and labs stocked with the latest in mad scientist equipment. The only things out of place were the ice cream making vats along the right wall, which were being dumped with a strange light blue liquid that gave out occasional sparks.
They walked forward in disbelief, eyeing the obvious illegal equipment you wouldn’t normally find in an ice cream factory. Colgate looked forward and quickly bumped Cheerilee's side before pointing at the balcony above. Watching one of the giant monitor screens, a cow with a neigphonese goatee and clothing was scratching his platypus with a sinister grin on his face. One of the workers went up to him and bowed. “Master Fu Moochu, we’re almost ready to complete the final stages of the plan. And I must say, this is a genius idea.”
“Of course!” shouted Fu Moochu, his voice echoing across the room. He looked at his secret room with glee. “Nopony would ever suspect my headquarters was in this ice cream factory. Soon, my plan to conquer the world with mind controlling ice cream shall come true! Ha ha ha!”
The mares watched the mad scientist continue to laugh before Colgate, smiling, went to open her mouth, only to be stopped by a glaring Cheerilee. “Not. A. Word.”
Author's Note
Who does put a heater in an ice cream factory.
I'm sorry this took three months to get out. Hope your still entertained enough to stick around.
Palace Perils
By The Rated Ponystar
Formerly Edited by Fernin, tayman2037, Adjudicator, and Clavier
Edited by: Wil_I_Zin and Unnamed Pawn
This chapter is dedicated Mrs. Ashley Hugbees of Fullers Earth, Arizona, because we like saying the word, “Hugbees”. Go on. Try it. Hugbees.
***
After a few tries during which Luna had been turned into an elephant, set on fire again (and meeting an annoyed goddess twice), dressed in a S&M suit, spoken backwards, and more, she was finally set back in to her own size. Well, the size of a phoenix at least.
Luna sighed in relief as she glared at Philomena, who was looking at her glowing horn with pride. “Told you I would get it right.”
“And it only took you thirty tries. Half of which killed me,” muttered Luna, who she was sure now had a one way ticket to tartarus waiting for her for wasting Faust’s time.
A flash of light blinded the two for a moment before it faded and revealed a very angry Twilight Sparkle. “Okay! That’s enough! I have had enough of you two trying to prank each other and causing ruin to the entire city!”
“Oh, come on! We haven’t done that much damage,” said Philomena as a building crumbled behind her. Thankfully, it was in the abandoned warehouse district. “Okay, so maybe this place needs a bit of repair, but it would have been a lot worse if me and Luna didn’t save the day.”
“Save the day?! You almost ended it! The freaking moon was about to collide with the planet!” grilled Twilight, her mane starting to come apart from it’s usual well cleaned style and into something a mad scientist would be seen with.
“... ok that might have been a disaster, but it didn’t happen,” said a blushing Philomena. “Besides, Luna and I are cool now. Our prank war is over.”
“The prank war is over, but we are far from cool,” muttered Luna, perching herself onto Philomena’s shoulder.
“What?” shouted Philomena, eyes widened. “But we saved the city, and the world! Doesn’t that make us best friends or something?” She pointed to Twilight.”I mean it worked for her and her group of buddies. How else would a scaredy cat card carrying member of PETA, a stereotypical southern valley girl who's clearly a lesbian, a fashion designer who obviously drinks at night, a speedy daredevil who wants everypony to kiss her flank, and the biggest psychological mess who hasn’t, by some miracle, become a serial killer yet be friends with a shut-in bookworm who has fantasies of her own mentor?”
“You can’t prove I wrote those love stories of me and Princess Celestia on a deserted island!” shouted Twilight in a panic. Her pupils shrank as both Luna and Philomena stared at her for a long, silent moment.
“A-a-anyway,” said Luna, deciding to file this away for future blackmail material. “We’re still not cool because you killed Mr. Socko!”
“Who?” asked Philomena, tilting her head.
“My sock!” shouted Luna, turning read in the face.
Philomena’s eyes widened in realization. “Ohhhh! That sock puppet of yours. Well, what do you want me to do about it? Buy you a new sock?”
“Well... yes...”
“Oh... okay. Sure.”
“Really?” said a surprised Luna. “That’s it?”
“Well, duh,” said Philomena, rolling her eyes. “It’s just a sock. If getting a replacement was all that was needed you should have asked.”
“Oh,” said Luna before smiling. “Thank you.”
A long silence followed.
Twilight’s eyes twitched. “You mean to tell me. All this chaos. This madness. All would have been avoided if you had told her to simply.... buy you... a new sock?”
“Yeah, I know. Kind of seems silly now, huh?” asked Luna with a chuckle.
***
Obi-wan Kenobi watched as his former padawan’s son continued on training with the lightsaber Luke’s father once owned. He sighed, remembering the days of how his once best friend in the world started using it when he was half the age Luke was now. Such times were of the past, a time when there were more Jedi Knights. A time before the pupil he had believed to be the chosen one, to restore peace and balance, turned into a twisted monster that caused the galaxy to fail into darkness.
But the boy was their hope. Their last hope. Just as soon as they got to Alderaan they could...
That’s when he sensed it. A sudden painful shock wave in the force itself. Noticing the distress upon his face, Luke walked over to his mentor and asked if he was okay.
“I don’t know. I felt a disturbance in the force. A great terrible rage erupting as two souls screamed ‘oh shit’, before they were met with great agony. Their screams echoed across the galaxy, and then there was silence. Followed by only one word.”
“What word, Ben?”
“Ow.”
***
After being nearly obliterated by a pissed purple unicorn, a smoking Luna and Philomena were dragged back to the castle grounds by Twilight. She hummed happily to herself now that most of her rage was gone as she skipped through the streets. Ponies who saw this were ready to question what was going on, but between the insanity that had been going on in the last few hours, ponies decided to just ignore it.
Once the trio reached the castle, however, the three of them noticed a change in the castle’s atmosphere and decoration. Black banners were hung along with large funeral wreaths outside of the gates with lit candles. Guards were wearing black armor while some were openly crying. A large picture of Celestia could be been in the center front wall of the castle with the words “We Will Miss You” written below.
“What’s going on? Did somepony die or something?” asked Philomena as she looked around, slowly getting up.
The three decided to ask a nearby guard who was blowing his nose. “Excuse me?” asked Twilight, spooking the guard. “Could you tell me what has happened?”
The guard sniffed and saluted to them. “Princess Luna, Philomena, and Royal Student Twilight Sparkle. You all have my sympathies for your loss. Princess Celestia was a great ruler, and we shall miss her very much.”
“W-what?! Why are you making it sound like my sis-I mean owner is dead?” asked Luna, flying up to his face.
Although a bit surprised by the sight of a talking phoenix, he recovered his wits and sighed. “Princess... Princess Celestia is dead. She fell and... well...” Horrified looks decorated their faces as their hearts stopped momentarily one by one upon hearing the news. “They don’t know if it was an accident or suicide... but she... she...”
The three had already been teleported by Twilight before he could finish.
***
Upon teleporting into Celestia’s room, the three gave a gasp of horror as they stared at the scene before them. Celestia lay on her bed, dressed in a pure white funeral gown with a golden sun shining in the middle while a black veil covered her peaceful looking face. Her hooves were placed over her chest, holding lilies with a golden rose in the center of the bouquet she held. Surrounding her bed were hundreds of rose petals all spread around to help the smell of fresh spring cover the room.
Twilight instantly fell to her knees and cried, “No... no this can’t be happening!”
“Sister!” shouted Luna, crying out as she flew to her sister’s side and touched her cold face. With tears in her eyes, she nuzzled Celestia’s cheek. “Oh, Tia. Why? Why did you leave me?”
“Master!” cried out Philomena, placing her hooves on Celestia’s and shaking her. “Wake up! You have to wake up! I don’t want to be alone again! I don’t care if you scold me or don’t love me anymore! Please wake up!”
But nothing worked. Celestia was as still as a doornail.
Luna bowed her head. “Philomena, she loved you. Don’t say such a thing.”
“But she... and you...” whispered Philomena, looking ready to crumble right there.
“We were both loved by her,” whispered Luna, shaking her head. “And yet her last memory of us in this world will always be us fighting over stupid pranks. If I could just tell her how sorry I was for the past few days...”
“Yeah... me too...” muttered Philomena. She leaned over her master’s face and a tear dropped from her eye onto Celestia’s cheek. “She’s so peaceful. As if she was just asleep...”
“SSSSNNNNOOOOORREEEE!”
The three of them went bug eyed as they saw Princess Celestia unleash another loud snore that had to have been so loud the real dead could have heard it. “Wait, what?” asked Luna, who was confused. “Tia is still alive? But why does everypony think she is dead?”
“Uh, we might have been responsible for that.”
They turned around to see a nervously smiling Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash waving at them.
***
Officer Blues had seen a lot of strange ponies in his job on the force for about thirteen years, but this dentist pony he had in his interrogation room was the strangest yet. Looking at his notes of the suspects testimony, he cleared his throat. “So, Miss Colgate, you say that the ice cream factory was actually a cover up for an evil cow scientist?”
“Yup,” said Colgate, smiling.
“Where he was planning to sell mind controlling ice cream to control the masses... and rule the world?”
“And ruin the teeth of all good ponies everywhere. That’s more important.”
“Right,” he shook his head and continued reading. “You then claim that a... secret agent alligator who can talk then attacked the evil cow scientist while you, and your friends, sabotaged the factory?”
“Correct!”
“And how does the giant ice cream cat come into play?”
“Oh, I threw a cat over into a vat of ice cream while a few chemicals got inside the mixture and turned her into that.”
Officer Blues leaned back and looked at her with horror.
“What?” asked Colgate, tilting her head. “It’s all true. I’m sure my friends have supported my story.”
The officer looked at his notepad of the other four friends of hers.
Cheerilee: She’s insane.
Lyra: Lock her in an asylum.
Bon Bon: Bitch be crazy.
Berry Punch: I’d rather be sober forever then deal with her again.
“Yes... well, Miss Colgate, we have a very special place for you. You like the color white?” asked the officer.
“Oh, I do! Reminds me of toothpaste!”
***
“.. and so everypony thinks Princess Celestia is dead,” finished Dash.
Philomena chuckled a bit upon hearing the story, but was soon silenced by a glare from both Luna and Twilight. “What? You have to admit it’s funny in a somewhat morbid way.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Okay, we need to do damage control and fast. If word spreads about Princess Celestia’s supposed death we’ll have chaos on our hooves. Especially, if she wakes up and ponies start to panic.”
“I’m surprised she’s still asleep! Man, those red pellets did their work,” said Rainbow Dash with pride in her voice.
“Aw, but what about the funeral party I’ve been planning,” pouted Pinkie Pie. “I even got Maretallica to play for it.”
“Why would you hire a metal band for a funeral?” asked Philomena, raising her eyebrow.
“Who wouldn’t want a metal band for their funeral?” asked Pinkie and Dash as the same time.
“Pinkie! Princess Celestia isn’t dead! She’s just asleep, and we need to wake her up!” Twilight shook her head and sighed. “I didn’t want to do this, but we have no choice but to go to the Secret Arcane Spells Wing for a spell powerful enough to wake up Princess Celestia. Either by waking up her mind or by canceling the sleeping powder’s effect.”
Luna looked alarmed, “But how are we going to get in there? You need an alicorn’s horn to open those locks, not to mention that there are barriers that prevent anypony other then my sister and I from entering. I’m a phoenix, so I can’t get in!”
“You may be a phoenix, but Philomena is in your body,” said Twilight, pointing to said bird in an alicorn’s body.
“You’re going to trust her to find a spell to wake up, Celestia? Twilight, she almost brought my moon upon us all!” shouted Luna, slapping her head.
“Hey, I’m getting use to your magic! I can do it!” said a smiling Philomena, flaring out her wings.
“Look, like it or not, Philomena is the only one who can get in. We’re gonna have to just hope she can pull it off,” said Twilight.
“For those of us who are not magical eggheads, could you tell us exactly what this secret magic stuff is?” asked Rainbow Dash, crossing her arms and looking completely lost on the subject.
“The spells are some of the most powerful kinds of magic ever produced, but also some of the most wild. There are spells that are even said to doom the world if used in the wrong hooves,” explained Twilight, going into lecture mode much to Rainbow Dash’s disapointment. “Princess Celestia sealed them in a location in the castle that only she and Princess Luna can access because of the dangers of those spells. They are only to be used in an emergency, or as a last resort.”
“So, BFG’s pretty much?” simplified Rainbow Dash.
Twilight sighed, rolling her eyes. “Yes, Dash. BFG’s.”
“When was the last time a spell from that area was ever used?” asked Pinkie Pie.
“Well...” they all turned to Philomena who was rubbing the back of her neck with a snicker. “That would be around a hundred and sixty years ago...”
***
“You turned all the flutterponies into love sucking parasites?!” screamed a unicorn with a white mane and beard, he was dressed in a dark green robe and looked to be turning pale. “Why on earth would do that?! Queen Chrysalis and her kind have been our allies for years! We fought wars together! Why would you condemn them to such a cruel fate and make them most likely plan revenge against us in the future?!”
Celestia, steaming with anger on her throne, muttered, “She’s bragged about how much thinner her butt was than mine...”
***
The four just stared at Philomena who was chuckling at the memory. Dash turned to a twitching Twilight and said, “Dude, your mentor has issues.”
Twilight decided to put this new information into the “Do Not Open To Stay Sane” folder in her mind and shook her head. “Look, Philomena just go open the doors, and search for a spell with Luna. We’ll watch over Princess Celestia and make sure nothing bad happens to her... again...”
A knock on the door alerted them of a new presence at the door and Twilight opened it. Three middle aged unicorns in top hats, monocles, and tuxedos walked in, levitating a giant black wooden casket. The leader, the one with a mustache, bowed. “Good evening, we’re here to take the body of the recently deceased, whoever that may be, for casket measurements and decoration.”
“Ummm,” Twilight looked over at Princess Celestia, who gave out another loud snore, and nervously chuckled. “W-well, you see good sir, the fact is Princess Celestia is not dead. It’s a big misunderstanding.”
“Understanding or not, Madam, we were paid to prepare a casket for a dead pony and we are not leaving until we have one,” said the leader, staring at her sternly.
Twilight was about to reply when Rainbow Dash pushed her out of the way. “Let me handle this...” Rainbow Dash cleared her throat before she gave out a cry and clenched her chest. “Ugh! I’m having a heart attack! Ack! Ehhh! Guhhh!” She swayed back and forth, holding her chest as she coughed and hacked. “Oh woe is me to have died so young and awesome! Tell my friends I loved them! Tell the Wonderbolts I should have been in them! Tell Scootaloo... she was a creepy stalker, and to stay away from my funeral! Blah!” Rainbow Dash gave one last cry before she fell onto her back with her four legs limping in the air while her tongue hanged out.
The casket makers looked at the “dead” body before looking at each other and shrugged. “Eh, good enough for us.” They picked up Dash and placed her in the casket before sealing it shut and walking out.
“Should we go after them?” asked Luna.
“Nah, Dashie’s got it covered. Wouldn’t be the first time she faked her death,” said Pinkie Pie with a smile. “Why, just last month she pretend to have been murdered by a serial killer to avoid Twilight’s book club meeting.”
“I got revenge though,” whispered Twilight, smiling evilishly. “I forced her to read Atlas Shrugged.”
Philomena and Luna shivered.
“Anyway, let’s get going. Come on Moonbutt,” said Philomena, exiting the room.
“Technically, your ‘Moonbutt’ since that’s my butt you happen to be using,” countered Luna as she followed.
“Aw, they’re such great friends,” said Pinkie Pie while Twilight stared at her with a raised eyebrow.
***
Guided by Luna, Philomena was forced to pretend to look sad and receive numerous sympathies from everypony they passed in the castle. Eventually, they reached the throne room and walked behind the throne itself where a small keyhole, fit for an alicorn horn, was right on the wall. Philomena lowered her head and carefully positioned her large alicorn horn towards the hole before she stopped. Standing straight up she looked at Luna with a raised eyebrow. “You know, in a different context, this could be considered very sexual.”
“Just put your horn in the hole already, make sure to give it a good twist,” muttered Luna, rolling her eyes.
“Just keep proving my point, Luna,” muttered Philomena as she proceeded to lower her horn. She felt the keys mechanisms against the giant rod on her head and slowly twisted her head to the left, the hole tightening with each push.
The sound of a lock opening echoed from inside the wall as a small section of it glowed bright purple before it began to slide open. Taking out her horn, Philomena turned to Luna and said, “Aren’t you coming?”
Shaking her head, Luna answered, “I can’t. There are runes that will shock anypony who is not my sister or me with power greater than ten times that of a lighting dragon’s breath attack. I would be vaporized in an instant, and I have no interest in meeting Faust again.”
“Guess it’s up to me. What kind of spells should I be looking for,” asked Philomena as she made her way towards the entrance.
“Anything that will wake up a pony from dreams, sleep, or near death. Revive spells might be a good idea,” said Luna.
“You actually have spells for waking people up from everlasting sleep?” asked Philomena, eyebrows raised.
“Hey, it happens to princesses more often than you might think. We always have to be prepared,” replied Luna, blushing as she thought about princesses she personally knew from long ago who were trapped in sleep for years. Pour Princess White. After she woke up she had apples outlawed, and every apple farmer in her kingdom put to the torch on charges of black magic. If I remember correctly, I think that’s what caused the Apple Family to move here in the first place.
“Don’t worry, I got this!” shouted Philomena as she entered the passageway. “Wow, this sure is a steep set of stairs. I wonder how far they goooooOOOO!” The sound of multiple thuds echoed as Luna winced with each crash. “Ow! Ohh! Augh! Damn! Ugh! Ehh! Son! Ow! Of! Gah! A! Ugh! Bit-eek! Gah!”
Luna tried to remember how many stairs there were leading down into the hidden library below. I think... two thousand, three hundred, and sixty two. You know, if it wasn’t for the fact that it was my body she was using, I’d find this funny.
**2,362 cries of pain and curses later***
“Ugh! Crap! Aaa! Ugh! Blah!” cried out Philomena as she reached the final step and landed face first, rump in the air. “I... miss... flying...”
Getting up-and spitting out a few loose teeth while doing so-Philomena looked around and her eyes widened at the sight before her. She had previously thought the Canterlot Library was big, but this was a whole other scale. Millions of books on shelves five times higher than the average Equestrian house were in dozens of hallways that seemed to go on forever. Blue burning torches lit the underground cavern that might as well have been a labyrinth. How the hay am I going to find anything in here? Well, might as well take a look.
Picking a random direction, she veered right and headed down the passageway, glancing at the books and their categories that were named in golden lettering. Rune Magic. Blood Magic. Soul Magic. White Magic. Black Magic. Red Magic. Rainbow Magic. Magic the Gathering. Magic for Dummies. Reading Magic for Dummies for Dummies. Apocalypse Magic. Rhyming Magic. Chaos Magic. Order Magic. Neutral Magic. Chaotic Orderly Neutral Magic. How many magics are there in this world?!
She then saw a shelf that said “Miscellaneous and Unshelved books” and shrugged. “Might as well start there.” Walking over she picked a few books and read some of them. “My Little Pony Tales? Sounds like crap.” She tossed it over her head. “Death Note? Whoever's name is entered into this notebook shall die?” She slowly raised her head, her mind thinking of various possibilities. She then shook her head. “Nah, doesn’t sound cool. It will never catch on.” She threw that one away. Next was a blank book that had no title.
Curious, she opened it, but found no words on the page. She was about to close it when the page began to slowly take shape. Her eyes widened as a face appeared on the book and looked directly at her. Opening it’s mouth it screamed, “DRINK MORE OVALTINE!”
And then it went back into the book. Philomena stood still for a bit before she quickly tossed it aside. However, the next book looked promising. It had a little dust on the end, but the cover was clear as day. “101 Ways to Bring Back Those From Eternal Rest,” read Philomena, smiling. “There we go! This will wake Celestia up!”
She opened the book and began to read page after page until she came upon one method that looked easy enough for her to pull off. “Okay, just focus on thinking about a daisy rising from the dirt and spreading it’s petals on the morning dawn. Then think about taking a fresh breath of air as you inhale life for the first time in ages. Think about this, and combine with the darkest, evilest, and notorious emotions you have ever felt in life.” Philomena rubbed her chin. “So all the times I read anything by Frank Marer like All-Star Mare-Do-Well and Holy Horror? Easy.”
She followed each instruction in her mind as her horn began to glow a sinister black and dark green. The sound of wails and terror began to echo around her and the very air surrounding her began to turn cold and crystallize. An upside down pentagram appeared below her figure, written in dark red as flames began to erupt from the star itself. Philomena didn’t see any of this as she had her eyes closed. Finally, unable to hold it anymore, she unleashed the magic with a loud cry as a ring of energy erupted from her horn. It escaped through the barriers, protections, and rocks of the hidden chamber. Spreading all through Canterlot without anypony the wiser for it went faster than that of a flap of a hummingbird's wing.
Opening her eyes, Philomena looked around to see if she had done the spell right, but the effects were all gone the moments he raised her eyelids. Scratching her head, she closed the book and walked back towards the stairs. This time she was using her wings.
***
Luna didn’t know why, but she had a dark feeling something bad had just happened. Like seriously bad. All socks being thrown into a furnace bad. Blueblood as ruler of Equestria bad. Pacing in worry, she almost missed seeing Philomena walk out of the entrance.
“So did it work? Is Celestia up?” asked Philomena with a smile.
“Not that I know off. Why did you cast something?” asked Luna with a suspicious glance. Philomena showed her the book and instantly all color in Luna’s face left her. So shocked was she that if she was a chicken instead of a phoenix she would have laid an egg right then and there. Grabbing the book, she growled and smacked it against Philomena’s head. “Idiot! Do you not know what this is?!”
“Ow! It’s just some wake up book, right?!” yelled Philomena.
Luna sighed as she brushed off the remaining dust and showed the spell caster what it was she casted. Philomena’s eyes winded as she read the full title.
“101 Ways to Bring Back Those From Eternal Rest. A Beginner's Guide to Becoming A Necromancer!”
“... oh...”
***
Greenhoof sighed as he patted the last of the graves of some poor deceased soul who found himself on the wrong end of a train track. Poor stallion had no family for the funeral so they just went up and buried him right then and there in one of the two hundred cemeteries of Canterlot. Not to mention the thousand miles of catacombs and tombs for the ancient and noble families that housed hundreds of bodies.
Scrapping away the last of the dirt, Greenhoof bid the poor grave a good afterlife before he began to march his way down the path. Suddenly, he heard rumbling felt his hooves shake from the earth. The sound of something rising from below reached his ears as he turned around and gasped.
From the grave he had just finished digging, a decaying hoof rose from the dirt. Followed it was the whole copse itself, rotten, bloody, and dead.
Or, to be perfectly accurate, undead.
Greenhoof gasped even louder as he saw every grave of every poor dead soul in this graveyard rising from their eternal rest, even from the large stone tombs. They all moaned and made their way down towards the streets of Canterlot, an entire army of zombies.
But that wasn’t the worst of it all.
“Dagnabit! Now I gotta fill up all these holes!” cursed Greenhoof as he began to shovel more dirt into the nearest grave.
Author's Note
Yup! Zombie Time!
Yeah, I have no idea where I'm going with this anymore
