An Offer She Can't Excuse

by psychicscubadiver

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis
Length: 6355

Dear Celestia, what does a changeling need to do to get a little love around here?

Dear Celestia,

If you're reading this it means my infiltrators are better than your guards. Boom! Point to Chrysalis. But seriously, don't take it too hard. Changelings are just naturally better than ponies at so many things. That being true, wouldn't it be a lot easier to work with us instead of against us? Don't worry, I'm not talking about another coup. I'm talking about a real partnership, an opportunity that you just can't afford to pass up.

Art by: NCMares

Published 2017-04-01 12:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-04-01 12:40:01 UTC

An Immodest Proposal

Edited by: SilentCarto
Proofreader: Coandco
Disclaimer: This is not my fault.

Dear Celestia,

Okay, so I think we might have gotten off on the wrong hoof, what with me attempting to conquer your country and enslave your citizens. I will admit that was my bad, and so there’s no real grudge on my part. Still, seeing as how we changelings need love and taking it by overwhelming surprise/force didn’t work, I’d like to make you an offer. There’s no reason we can’t work together on this.

To wit, I propose letting my Hive handle all prisoner storage (or whatever you call it) for Equestria. Think about it, we’d be perfect for that. Your criminals and other ‘undesirables’ could be delivered to us, and we would quickly and safely seal them into a hardened ichor cocoon full of dream slime. The ponies (or whatever species happened to break your laws, we aren’t choosy) would sleep away their sentences in a comfortable, happy dream, and we could soak up all that love that would otherwise be going to waste. Now, as for the benefits to you, it would take a real load off of the Royal Treasury, because we wouldn’t charge a bit. Think of the good things you could put that money towards. Like law enforcement, so you could catch even more criminals. Just a thought, you know. Keep it in mind.

Anyway, another benefit is that escape would be impossible. There’s no way the prisoners could wake up inside their cocoons, and even if they did, they couldn’t break out, and even if they somehow broke out, they’d have to navigate our ever-shifting tunnels while avoiding patrols of my changelings. So, totally impossible, am I right? They couldn’t even escape with outside help, because all the entrances are guarded, any attack would alert the entire swarm, and changelings are incapable of being bribed. Seriously, we have zero use for money. I’ve got a storage room practically overflowing with the bits and jewels we’ve taken off of travelers and other ponies we’ve captured. Sure, I give them out to infiltrators so they can move through pony society without having to steal, but that’s just a drop in the bucket.

You’re probably thinking to yourself, ‘Can I really trust that beautiful-but-wily Chrysalis? She’s so cunning and such a model leader that surely this is clever plot against which I have no chance.’ Well, I thank you for the flattery, but I can decisively state that ‘yes, you can trust me’. There is absolutely no chance I would betray you and send my changelings to infiltrate Equestria as the ‘released’ prisoners while keeping and draining the real prisoners for the rest of their natural lives. No chance at all. I don’t even know why you thought of that. Kind of rude to bring it up, even.

Also, as a side benefit to using Hive Warden, Inc. (I’d have to incorporate under Equestrian laws, according to my law-drones. What do you think of the company name?) we’d freely do whatever illegal acts you wanted us to. Where ponies might have moral qualms about their prisoners, I can guarantee you that we have none. If you wanted a prisoner conveniently ‘lost in the paperwork’ and detained for several more years, I’d be perfectly okay with that. You prefer that a certain prisoner spend his years trapped in a haze of nightmares instead of a pleasant dream? It would reduce love production, but I’m willing to make that sacrifice if it means securing this deal. I could even arrange certain ‘accidents’ (if you know what I mean) for prisoners you don’t want returning (wink wink, nudge nudge).

Does all this sound too good to be true? Can you scarcely believe your luck? Do you wonder if it could ever work out as well as I’m promising? Rest at ease, because I’ve got good news. Not only can it work, it’s already working! For years now, fugitives and criminals have been our top targets. Often, they only have a tenuous connection to normal society and nopony misses them when they’re gone, so it was a win-win. Doesn’t it feel good to know that those dangerous ponies on all the ‘Wanted’ posters never really got away and have already been ‘doing time’, often for years? I’d like to put changelings in a position to guarantee that everypony in Equestria can rest easy, knowing that the criminal element is under control.

You might be wondering why I would approach you if things are already going so well. Being legitimately recognized by your country instead being referred to as a ‘hostile nation’ would be a real plus. Also, under the current system my changelings have to hunt down the criminals themselves, all while making certain your law enforcement officers don’t catch them or their prey. Frankly, that’s a lot of work, and having you deliver the ponies would make things much easier for us.

So here’s hoping for a long and very successful partnership.

To reply, just give your response to your newest chambermaid, the one with the pink mane. She’s one of mine, and she’ll make certain I get it.

With Friends Like These, You Need Enemies

Edited by: SilentCarto
Proofreader: Coandco
Disclaimer: He put a banana to my head and threatened me!

Dear Celestia,

That was pretty sneaky, sending a squad of guards to track the worker that picked up your response. I can respect that. Just as I hope you can respect that I expected that and ambushed them. Don’t worry, I didn’t do any permanent damage – they’re all snoozing peacefully in their own cocoons. While maybe I should feel hurt by your lack of trust, I choose to see it has a chance to prove some of the things I have been saying. In one or two weeks (once we’ve forcibly extracted most of the love out of them) I’ll return your guards just the same as they used to be. More or less. They might be listless, emotionally hollow, or severely depressed, but a few months of therapy, and they’ll be as good as new.

Anyway, in regards to your negative response, I am once again disappointed. I’m trying very hard to reach an understanding here, but you are being completely unreasonable. I mean, you’re supposedly really big into this ‘friendship’ thing, which so far as I can tell is basically just ‘mutually beneficial exchange’. I’m offering things that benefit both of us, but you don’t seem willing to discuss it. Not very ‘friendly’ of you, in my opinion.

Still, never let it be said that I didn’t continue to make the effort. Frankly, I don’t see how you could turn down this offer. It’s probably the best one yet, and really I was holding it in reserve as my best bargaining chip. How would you feel about joining forces?

Yes, that’s right. You and me together against the world. Believe it or not, I would make quite the ally. My Hive is the single greatest spy network on the continent. I currently have agents placed highly within every notable center of power in the known world, and you would not believe some of the things they uncover. Now, I have mainly been using this info to move in the shadows or apply subtle manipulations where I need to. But you’ve got all of Equestria's considerable resources to put these secrets to their best use.

Within two or three years (time enough to get those … under-trained legions of yours ready to fight) you could march across the world in an unstoppable tide. You’d have mobility, reconnaissance, and power over the weather with pegasi, unicorn spellcasters for long-range bombardment, and earth ponies for heavy infantry. Pair that with infiltrators that can replace enemy commanders, mentally control most of those they can’t replace, and give you the secrets about your enemies’ defenses. Nothing on this planet could stop us, and we could raise a single banner across the world with you at its head.

True, I’m not normally the type to settle for second place, but I’d be willing to make that sacrifice for the good of the Hive. Gotta say, I should be higher than your sister in the power structure, though. What has she done for you lately? I mean, c’mon, she slept through my invasion. And I would make a much better second-in-command than her. I’d certainly never betray you like she did, even if I could replace you afterwards and soak up all the adoration of your subjects, becoming like unto a GODDESS!

Okay, when I’m done dictating, be sure to take out that last part, worker. Re-write the letter if you have to.

And the best part of this? You wouldn’t need to give me a single pony. That’s right, for once I am not asking for any of your subjects. Instead, I’ll just take my pick of the prisoners of war and enslaved populaces. As I said in an earlier letter, we don’t need ponies specifically, so whatever species you see fit to conquer would be fine with me. Though, I’d ask that you didn’t start with the goats. Their love tastes funny, and those sideways eyes are super creepy.

Hive Watch Inc (I tried to explain to the law-drones that this would be a silent partnership without any surface acknowledgement, but they are weirdly obsessed with incorporating the Hive. I think something went wrong with that batch of eggs) would be the perfect partners and I would be the best friend you could ever have. I’ve heard ponies talk about ‘Harmony’ all the time, and honestly, what could be more harmonious than the entire world ruled under a single regime?

Well, You'll Be Buggered

Edited by: SilentCarto
Proofreader: Coandco
Disclaimer: No officer, I haven't been drinking tonight. I'm sober as a priest.

Dear Celestia,

I think somepony owes someling an apology. I’m not going to name names here, but we both know who I’m talking about. I mean, do you have any idea how hard it is for one of my soldiers to sneak into your castle with all the heightened security you’ve put in place? I even made certain she planted my last letter underneath your pillow so only you would see it. But apparently you allow these ‘maids’ of yours to run willy-nilly investigating your bedroom and secret letters as they please. Well, I hope you’re happy with yourself now that she took that letter to the papers.

Okay, that’s enough negativity. I mean, it was only my best plan ever. I’m not mad just because any chance of a secret military alliance is ruined. Why would I be mad? Unlike certain ponies, I am not the type to hold a grudge. No, a changeling always has to have hope even when the situation seems bleakest. Because if they don’t, then they’re weak and unworthy to serve the Hive.

So to put this in simpler language, which I know you’ll appreciate, I am still open to some form of partnership between our nations. I realize you’re busy reassuring all of those angry diplomats that you don’t have any intention of conquering their countries, but if you have the time to organize and train a special ‘Changeling Capture Corps’ in your guard, then you’ve got enough time to consider my latest proposal.

Once again I delved into the stagnant and disgusting pool that is your culture only to emerge thirty minutes later with a shining pearl of wisdom. I asked myself, ‘where does love come from?’ and the obvious answer (aside from ponies) is sex.

That’s right, I’m talking about a changeling brothel. I even came up with a really great name for it: Bed Bugs! Doesn’t that just roll off the tongue?

It would be a foolproof method to extract love. We already do it on a small scale at certain ‘clubs’ in most big cities, but I’m looking to make it our primary source of love and our public face to the world. Believe me, this idea has all the makings of a smash success. My dedicated infiltrators can transform into any pony (or other species) the customer wants! Plus, they are masters at faking their emotions. Even when replacing a married pony the spouse often takes days to catch on to the switch.

If you’re worried about diseases or physical incompatibility, don’t you worry. There are absolutely no concerns on either account. But just in case you wanted more detail, I am including a full and comprehensive analysis on it, complete with pictures. A lot of pictures. In fact, the entire analysis is just pictures of changelings in suggestive poses, but I still feel that it makes my point very nicely.

Even though the love my changelings collect from our customers would be payment enough, I am planning to charge a modest fee for the services offered. Partially for building rental and the copious amounts of cleaning supplies I expect to need. Mostly, though it’s so I can give you a cut. Before I purged them, my law-drones were going on and on about how using the likenesses of other ponies for business would mean I have to pay ‘royalties’. I think it’s very strange that you’d make a law seemingly aimed just at changelings, but if the law says we must pay royalty then I won’t begrudge your slice of the pie.

The way I imagine it, we can start by opening a small 'Bed Bugs' in Canterlot. It’s a powerful, bustling city, and I hear that rich ponies can have ‘tastes’ that are difficult to satisfy. Plus, we’ll be right under your watchful eye and can show you that we are only operating with the very best of intentions. Then, if your trust issues aren’t a problem, we can expand into Manehattan and other cities after that. Given enough time, I imagine a world with a 'Bed Bugs' in every single town and hamlet (with multiple locations in larger cities, of course). There might be some domestic issues with ponies cheating on each other, and the faint possibility that some ponies could be mentally compelled to return time and time again by overeager changelings, but honestly, I don’t foresee any real problems.

Just think about it, you’d have happy, pacified changelings only draining love from the ponies that consent to it, and all of those ‘royalties’ flowing into the royal coffers. It’s a win-win, right?

Also, this time, instead of the long and difficult process of infiltrating your castle and leaving it for another witless servant to find, I am sending this letter directly to all the major newspapers in Equestria. That way I know you will get to see it, and the rest of the world will understand that I’m more than just a power-hungry egomaniac. I’m a mare trying to find the best way to take care of the nation that depends on her.

PS: If you are approached by any changeling that claims to represent me and wants to register this business as ‘Hive Whore Inc’, do me a favor and incinerate him. After counting the law-drone bodies, I’m pretty sure I missed one.

The Hoof That Rocks the Cradle Fools the World

Edited by: SilentCarto
Proofreader: Coandco
Disclaimer: I know that Father McClain drinks like a fish. It's just an expression.

Dear Celestia,

It seems that my last idea didn’t go over that well. In fact, from what I can tell, you are distinctly more angry at me now than you were previously. I simply cannot understand you ponies sometimes.

If I had to guess what set you off, it was the pictures. This is a judgement solely based on the fact that you melted the office building of ‘The Moon’ into glassy slag. As they were the only paper to print the pictures I sent with the story, it seems like a reasonable deduction.

Were my infiltrators off somehow? I don’t see how; they are the very best when it comes to changeling mimicry. If you think they didn’t do you justice, then just let me know, and I’ll discipline them. That by itself would probably make for some very interesting pictures, but I digress.

Or wait, was it the one where those two changelings looked like you and your sister in a compromising position? I guess I can see where that wouldn’t sit well with you. Still, from what my spy network says, the stallions in Equestria certainly seemed to enjoy it.

And what is Twilight Sparkle so mad about? I assigned all of my very best changelings to imitate her, and the results were spectacular! There’s a reason why half of those pictures featured changelings using her body. She should be flattered!

Fine, don’t appreciate our art. See if I care. I don’t care.

Okay, that’s a lie, I care immensely.

Look, it is getting harder and harder to justify the attempts I’m making at a fruitful partnership given your demands for ‘unconditional surrender’. Queen Chrysalis don’t surrender to nopony, got that? Conditional or otherwise. But still, I’m really trying hard to think of something that will support us and make you happy.

It doesn’t look like all of your raids and mass captures of changelings have made you happy. Maybe instead of doing to me what I tried and failed to do to you, you could just calm down and really consider the benefits to a partnership.

Seriously what is disabling my spy network and stopping the abductions going to do for you? Besides guarantee a safe future for hundreds of ponies. And earn the respect of the international community that my previous letter angered. And remove hostile agents from your military, bureaucracy, and politics. And give you a chance to, ugh, reform me.

Aside from those trifles you get nothing, so is it really even worth it?

I would say ‘no’, and if you have any sense you’ll agree.

Now that that’s settled, let me tell you about my latest idea. Children are tough to deal with, am I right? You lay a clutch of thirty or forty eggs and before you know it they’re swarming over everything, spitting acid and trying to kill each other. They’ve just got so much energy in their little bodies that it’s impossible to keep up with them.

Well, not anymore. You’ve seen the results of forcible love extraction now that you’ve uncovered and raided several of our nests. The vic- subjects are listless, docile, and easy to deal with. Imagine, with only weekly treatments (or more if necessary) a parent could rest at ease knowing that they will come home to calm and quiet child. If even half the things I’ve heard about that trio of fillies in Ponyville are true – y’know, the ones I kidnapped a while back – then this program could also save a great deal in property damage.

Who knows, maybe somepony will even discover that their special talent is feeding changelings or being functional despite emotional numbness? The possibilities are endless, and denying those fillies and colts the opportunity to try is practically criminal.

Queen Chrysalis!

What is it, soldier? Wait, stop writing, worker. I’m finished dictating for now. Go on, soldier.

A platoon of guards led by Princess Luna has been spotted nearby. They are moving in this direction and attempting to be stealthy in their approach.

Starvation and Banefire! That little twit Luna must have followed our latest raiding group back here. No, no. It’s cool. Keep it together, Chrysalis. Okay, I’ve got a plan. Attention, changelings! Princess Luna is approaching this location with a platoon of her guards. Don’t panic! Any changelings found panicking will be beaten until they calm down! All changelings will prepare for full retreat, except all those who were on the last raiding group. You will attack Luna and buy time for our retreat with your lives. Everyling else head for the Badlands Castle. You have your orders, now get to it!

Okay, I’m ready to resume dictation now, worker.

I’ll have to cut this letter a bit short since your sister is practically on our doorstep as of writing this, but still, give this idea some proper consideration. We have a few foals among our prisoners at this location, so I’ll forcibly drain a few just to give you a proof-of-concept on my latest proposal. I’m sure their parents will be thrilled to have such cooperative children returned to them in place of the brats we took.

Pyrrhic Victimry

Edited by: SilentCarto
Proofreader: Coandco
Disclaimer: Yes, I think I would like to have a lie down and talk to the nice doctor.

Queen Chrysalis, absolute monarch of the Changelings and First Guardian of the Hive, was not having a good week. Or month, for that matter. In fact, the past year had pretty much just been one disaster after another.

She sat on her throne sighing at the unfairness of it all. It had seemed so simple in the beginning. Capture Cadence, drain her love, impersonate her, conquer Canterlot, subjugate Equestria using its citizens as livestock, and from that base conquer the world in an unending swarm. When had things gotten so complicated?

The source of those complications was waiting just beyond the range of the magic-draining effect of her Carapace Throne. Over the past few days, a massive army of ponies had gathered there, lead by the three damned alicorns that insisted on plaguing her. And a fourth that had slept through her invasion.

Having reminded herself of the bothersome presence of those interlopers, Queen Chrysalis felt compelled to get up and vent her feelings on the matter properly.

“GET OFF MY LAWN!” she roared, using an amplification spell to its fullest effect.

There was some milling about in the ranks of the distant ponies but eventually four taller-than-average and less-pretty-than-the-Queen mares marched forth.

Queen Chrysalis prepared herself for their no doubt witty rejoinder, already calculating where the argument might go next and what her most cutting reply might be.

“NO!”

A moment of silence passed while Chrysalis reconfigured her mental gears. “THEN COME FIGHT ME ALREADY!”

There was some heated discussion among the alicorns before Twilight Sparkle stepped forth once more, ready to proclaim their combined decision. “ALSO NO!”

Queen Chrysalis took in a deep breath and counted to ten just like her therapist-drone suggested. It did not make her any less angry, and she made a mental note to have him executed later. Before she could shout anything back, Celestia stepped forward.

“SURRENDER NOW, CHRYSALIS. WE WILL TREAT YOU AND YOUR CHANGELINGS FAIRLY. THIS CONSTANT CONFLICT BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES MUST END.”

A smaller, pinker alicorn also stepped forward. “PLEASE SAY NO. I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO TAKING THAT TINY CROWN OF YOURS AND SHOVING IT–”

“CADENCE!”

“WHAT? THE BITCH KIDNAPPED ME, SLEPT WITH MY HUSBAND AND RUINED MY WEDDING. I’M THE PRINCESS OF LOVE, NOT FORGIVENESS.”

“WE ARE HERE TO REFORM THE CHANGELINGS,” Celestia declared, glaring at her niece or daughter or whatever. Chrysalis didn’t really know or care how they were related. “NOT TO HARM–”

“BUT TIA,” whined Luna the Sleepy. “THOU PROMISED US BATTLE.” She turned from her sister (or cousin, or something? Again, who cared?) and towards Chrysalis. “NOT THAT WE HAVE ANY GRUDGE AGAINST THEE, BUT TIA HATH SAID THAT BLOODSHED IS RARE ANYMORE AND I APPRECIATED A CHANCE TO RETURN TO THE FIELD. I HOPE YOU DO NOT DIE THIS DAY, BECAUSE I RATHER LIKED YOUR PLAN TO RE-INTRODUCE BROTHELS TO EQUESTRIA.”

“LUNA!”

“WHAT? DON’T GIVE US THAT LOOK, TIA. IT’S NOT AS IF YOU NEVER SOWED YOUR WILD OATS. WHY, I REMEMBER ONCE ON A BET WHEN YOU TOOK SEVEN–”

“LUNA! NOPONY WANTS TO HEAR THAT!”

Chrysalis saw Twilight Sparkle mouth the words ‘I wouldn’t mind’ and saw the nods of many guard ponies in her vicinity.

“SO ARE WE GOING TO FIGHT OR NOT?” Chrysalis bellowed. She had plenty of other things she could be doing if they were going to just stand around bickering.

Celestia composed herself and hushed her fellow Princesses with a glare. “THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO SURRENDER AND COOPERATE PEACEFULLY, CHRYSALIS. OTHERWISE WE MUST CAPTURE ALL OF YOU BY FORCE.”

“... AND IF I SAY ‘NAH’?”

Celestia glared at her with a disappointment that Chrysalis could feel despite more than a mile’s distance. “THEN WE WILL ATTACK FORTHWITH!”

“THANKS FOR THE WARNING! BE SURE TO WEAR YOUR CROWN TO THE BATTLE; I LOOK FORWARD TO COLLECTING IT FROM YOUR CORPSE!” Queen Chrysalis left her balcony feeling far more lighthearted than when she had stepped out there. Let them attack, her castle was impenetrable.

The bleak stone of the Badlands made a stealthy approach impossible for an army and left her enemies exposed to the beam spells of her soldiers. Even if some creature was foolish enough to try such a thing, the Carapace Throne absorbed all magic except that of the changelings. Griffins and pegasi would fall from the sky, earth ponies and minotaurs would lose their strength and stamina, unicorns and zebra alchemists would find their spells and potions useless garbage. Not even Alicorns were exempt from its effects, if the legends were to be believed. And if against all odds some creature survived the killing ground outside, the shifting confines of the castle were nearly impossible to navigate and would soon reduce an organized army to meaningless chaos, easily cut down by her soldiers.

“Worker,” she said to a nearby changeling. “Tell the soldiers to prepare for a full assault from the ponies sometime today. And fetch me some fresh love. All this leading has given me quite a hunger.” The worker scurried off to do her bidding as the Queen of all changelings settled comfortably onto her throne.

Yes, Queen Chrysalis thought self-satisfiedly. Let Celestia and her ponies gnash their teeth outside. We have enough ponies cocooned in the basement to last through years of siege, and they have no hope of taking the castle through force. A customarily smug smirk flickered across her face as the worker soon brought her a snifter full of freshly extracted love. Chrysalis held it under her muzzle, sampling its delectable aroma.

“Mmm… a Baltimare stallion, aged but not old. Taken in his prime and cocooned for years.” She inhaled some of the gaseous vapor. “A 996 vintage, I believe.”

“Correct as always, your Majesty,” a worker said with a bow, hastening to push a cocoon holding a small filly out of view.

For the first time in a long time, Chrysalis relaxed and simply felt at peace with the world.

The world, however, would have none of that.

“HEAVY PROJECTILES INBOUND! PLEASE EXIT THE CASTLE FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY!” Twilight Sparkle proclaimed, her voice piercing the air like a shrill siren.

Queen Chrysalis rolled her eyes. “What do they take us for? That’s one of the oldest, dumbest tricks in the–”

The castle suddenly rocked with an impact that threw Queen Chrysalis to the floor. She snarled at the interruption to her second lunch, but before she could do any more, a second, a third, and then a fourth impact slammed into the castle. Each one was accompanied by the sounds of rending and smashing of castle walls.

Queen Chrysalis rose to her hooves and rushed to the balcony overlooking the rest of her castle. Most of the gray-green architecture stood tall and pround, a monument to the industriousness of the Hive. But two of the smaller spires had been snapped clean off and there were shattered walls on the main building where it had been hit with glancing blows. The culprits were four massive boulders that looked like they had come straight from the heart of a mountain. As a changeling landed on the rock, Chrysalis got a much better idea of its size. It had to weigh dozens – maybe even hundreds – of tons!

A flash of light in the distance caught her attention, and she focused on the four Princesses, hefting another massive boulder in their combined magic fields. With a blaze of power well beyond anything Chrysalis had ever performed herself, the rock was launched skyward.

Changeling Queens had never needed to study higher math, and Chrysalis would not recognize a parabola if it dropped a rock on her head, but she had no problem deducing that this particular boulder had her name on it.

Yelping with fear, she fled to the air. The worker serving her followed, struggling under the weight of the cocooned pony. Once at a safe distance Chrysalis belatedly realized that her snifter was unbroken and still threaded through one of her hoof holes. She wordlessly held it out to the worker for another glass of freshly extracted love. She obliged and Chrysalis slugged the glass back in one gulp as they watched the boulder plummet straight through the throne room, smashing the Carapace Throne to pieces in the process.

From the sound of it, the stone had enough momentum to pass through three more levels before it finally stopped. Holding in a sigh and a curse, Queen Chrysalis fluttered back to the remains of her throne room to assess the damage.

“Finally!” a strange voice proclaimed as a serpentine outline traced itself in the air, filling with color from the top down. Discord inspected the rubble with a practiced and pleased eye. What the eye had previously belonged to and why it made noises like a flashing camera when he squeezed it were not subjects that Chrysalis wanted to linger on. “Oh, I have been waiting all day for that thing to go down so I could gloat in person!”

“Discord,” Queen Chrysalis said crossly. “If you don’t mind, I have a desperate, hopeless battle to preside over. We’re going to be a bit busy.”

“Not so fast, Chryssie,” Discord said with a smirk. “I am going nowhere until you admit that I won. I want to hear it from your own lips. Or mandibles. Whatever .”

Confusion was common around the Spirit of Chaos, but Chrysalis found herself stumped. “I have no idea what you are talking about.”

Discord’s face fell and he spent several moments fumbling around to find it. He slapped it back on – upside down – and gave what she thought was a frown. “Oh, come now. Think back to several months ago, when I just recently ‘reformed’ and went on a Chaos World Tour. I was annoying you for weeks!” The grimace on Chrysalis’s face said that she remembered the occasion very well, and Discord happily plunged ahead. “In one of your more angry tirades – I think it was after I turned all of your workers this glittering pastel color with big jewel-like eyes – you accused me of being, to pardon the expression, a one-trick pony.”

The specifics brought the incident to mind and a dawning horror crossed Chrysalis’s face. “I remember. I said you were helpless without your powers and you said…”

Discord possessed a plethora of varied teeth, but for a moment every one of them seemed to come from a shark’s grin. “And I said I could topple your entire hive with nothing but a quill and parchment.” He flung his hands out and laughed wildly, rocking back and forth in the air. “All of those letters to Celestia, and she thought each one was from you! Oh, it was too rich!” He peered into the distance, looking through what had been his paw and was now a contraption of metal and glass. Then he tsked. “Oh, really now, Celestia? She's outfitting her earth ponies with lassos and pegasi with nets. Ugh, why does she have to rain on my parade? ” Discord shrugged. “No matter; I'll find some fun elsewhere. All you need to do is admit that I won, and I’ll be out of your mane and let you deal with the army marching on you.”

“But you didn’t.”

Discord’s grin soured and disappeared. “What’s that?”

“You didn’t win,” Chrysalis repeated.

“Balderdash! I didn’t use anything except a quill and parchment–”

“And ink,” Chrysalis said a sly grin on her face. “That wasn’t part of the bet, was it?”

Discord froze.

His teeth moved first, grinding against each other like millstones. He grew until he towered over her, teeth and tusks spilled out of his mouth, eyes red with fury and madness. He reached for her with a claw large enough to enfold her entire body and strange sounds, too jumbled and chaotic to be called words tumbled from his mouth.

Queen Chrysalis was frozen in place and the worker next to her dropped the pony cocoon to the floor.

Then, in the space between moments, the nightmarish monster facing them disappeared. Discord stood there back to his usual form, breathing deeply. He drew a candy bar out of nowhere and started munching on it. “I needed this snack. I’m not me when I’m angry.” He took a few more deep breaths, then glared at Chrysalis.

She couldn’t help flinching.

“Fine,” he said with a pout. “I didn’t manage what I said I could. There.”

“Great,” Chrysalis said, unsteadily. “What do I win?”

At that Discord gave her a pitying smile. “The satisfaction of being right.” Then he disappeared with a snap of his fingers.

Queen Chrysalis examined the ruined castle, her disorganized defenders, and the pony army thundering towards them. “Yay me?”

A Waist is a Terrible Thing to Mind

Edited by: SilentCarto
Proofreader: Coandco
Disclaimer: No, seriously he made me do it!

Dear Celestia,

I hope this finds you well and all that other nonsense. Pleasantries out of the way, let’s get down to brass tacks. I heard from my spies – er, I mean, the morning newspaper, that you incinerated my previous letter and had your chambermaid arrested. This would seem to imply that you aren’t interested in my proposal. I can’t imagine why not, but then again, trying to understand the thoughts of you squishy vertebrates is usually a lost cause.

Still, never let it be said I wasn’t willing to go the distance and try. After an exhausting forty minutes of study trying to make sense of your inferior culture, I hit on the perfect idea. Changeling-sponsored weight loss programs. As wholly inefficient endoskeletal creatures, you store fat in unsightly, squishy bulges on various portions of your anatomy (not judging, but all that cake really does go your flanks, honey.) Any civilized creature simply molts their old exoskeleton and grows a larger one when they’ve gathered enough sustenance, but I shouldn’t hold that against your kind. I can completely understand the desire to rid yourselves of those disgusting masses of gelatinous tissue, and I see a way to help out those poor unfortunate ponies all while benefitting the Hive at the same time.

Hive Weight-Loss Inc (the law-drones still insist on incorporating, and executing one of them didn’t change their minds so I guess we actually need to) would assist ponies in reducing their disgusting flab in a variety of ways. We can selectively drain ponies of their love for high-calorie foods, utterly destroying their desire to eat things that are bad for them. Or maybe just their desire to eat anything. It depends on the skill of the changeling doing the draining. Either way, I don’t see how anything bad could result from that.

Another method would be our patented mind magic (according to the law-drones it isn’t actually patented, and breaks at least five different Equestrian laws) which can place mental conditioning inside ponies’ skulls to encourage more exercise, smaller meals, or both. We will tailor the exact psychological warping to the needs of each individual customer. This would also be an excellent way to counterbalance all of that negative press we have been unjustly receiving in the pony media. Nothing extreme, obviously, but a few random instances of ‘changelings are friends not foes’, ‘I can trust the Hive’, and ‘All hail Chrysalis, our True Queen’ would go a long way towards bridging the cultural divide.

And for those who have the time and feel squeamish about mental magic, we would offer the ‘easy approach’. This would be somewhat similar to the prisoner routine, but in this case, we wouldn’t add any nutrients (except basic mineral requirements) to the dream slime. Thus, without any caloric intake, those ponies would naturally burn through their own fat reserves in peaceful slumber, while we feed on their love. A win-win situation for all, right? It would require careful accounting to make certain that ponies are found and woken up before they starve to death in their sleep, but I’m sure we could manage that. Without more than a reasonable number of mistakes, anyway.

Naturally, you are probably still suspicious. It’s entirely unfounded and more than a little insulting, but I’ve grown to accept that as one of your flaws. And by “you” I mean your entire species, but that’s unimportant. What is important is giving you reasons to trust me. Somewhere around the twenty-fifth minute of my exhaustive research of your society, I stumbled upon the ancient practice of taking royal hostages for ‘good behavior’ of their ruling parents. I’ve got plenty of daughters, and I’d be more than happy to put any number of them under your control. Most of them are impatient to be the next queen, which means if they aren’t trying to assassinate me, they’re fighting with each other. Pawning them off on you would be perfectly fine with me. And if they get on your nerves and you need to kill one or two just to make a point, don’t worry. I can always make more. It’s not like I haven’t done that myself. I mean, what Queen hasn’t?

I look forward to your response to this letter. Please leave your reply wedged into the crack outside the third window of the main hallway on the fourth floor. I’ll have a worker pick it up.