Twilight Sort-Of Kills Her Friends

by Mad Hattie

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Twilight Sparkle, Random, Princess Celestia, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2208

Twilight Sparkle decides to kill her friends. But, like, in a non-permanent 'you'll thank me for this later' kind of way.

Being an immortal Alicorn sucks when you have nopony to share it with. Fortunately Twilight finds a neat spell that'll ensure her friends live forever! All they have to do is die!

Now with a live reading by Skijarama! (thanks a bunch)

Published 2017-03-16 00:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-03-16 00:10:01 UTC

Death By Right-Hook

Author's Note

The meds I'm on don't advise alcohol, so instead I drank three cups of coffee and wrote this.

I'm probably sorry.

Death By Right-Hook

Of all the ways Rainbow Dash had envisioned her evening going, waking up in an efficiently dug – if not somewhat shallow - grave was not one of them.

She definitely didn’t expect Twilight to be staring down at her manically either.

The shovel was a bonus.

“Did you know that Alicorns are immortal?” Twilight asked rather suddenly, her smile unwavering in its intensity.

Rainbow Dash blinked groggily, wiping the dirt from her eyes.

“I don’t believe that’s the very best way to start a conversation with her right now, darling,” said Rarity from Twilight’s right. She was stood a little ways away, her horn’s magic guiding a comb through her tangled mane. She looked decidedly bored with the whole ordeal.

“What?” Rainbow asked, wincing as she tried to stretch out her body. Everything ached, she felt worse than the day after a particularly harsh work-out. Maybe digging her way out of that grave hadn’t helped.

Wait.

“Why was I…”

“Did you know Alicorns are immortal?” Twilight asked again before shaking her head. She laughed nervously. “Sorry. That’s been going through my head a lot recently.”

“Oh, I know,” Rarity said despairingly.

“What’s going on?” Rainbow demanded. “Why do I ache so much?”

“Oh don’t worry about that,” Twilight said, waving her hoof in front of her. “That goes away super fast, trust me, I did my research.”

“On what?”

“PLEH!”

Rainbow nearly jumped out of her skin.

Next to her - in an eruption of pink mane and fallen dirt - Pinkie Pie had appeared from a grave of her own.

“Holy crumb cake that was AWESOME!” Pinkie exploded, jumping up and down on her hind legs. “Best. Prank. Ever!”

“It’s not a prank,” Rarity supplied ruefully.

Rainbow looked from Pinkie Pie – who seemed to be vibrating on the spot – to Twilight, who was watching Pinkie’s reaction with fascination. She cleared her throat, realising it was almost sandpaper dry. “Can somepony please explain to me what the heck is going on!?”

“Oh that’s simple darling,” Rarity said, discarding her comb. “You’re dead.”

Rainbow gaped. “I’m WHAT?”

Rarity made a face. “We all are.”

“WHAT?”

Twilight laughed – the kind of laugh you might expect from a mad scientist. So, basically Twilight’s regular laugh. “I… might have overreacted a little, but I think it worked out fine.”

Pinkie poked herself in the chest. “I’m dead?” She pouted. “Nuh-uh, if I was dead I couldn’t do this!”

Rainbow wasn’t sure what Pinkie did, but the next second she was being showered with confetti and party balloons. One bounced off her head. Rainbow’s eye twitched. “I… I’m sorry, am I not getting the punchline here or something? How are we dead?”

“I uh,” Twilight rubbed the back of her head in embarrassment, “I may have killed you.”

“YOU WHAT?”

“Don’t take it personally,” Rarity sighed. “She killed us all.”

“I don’t think you did it right, Twi,” Pinkie Pie said. “I’m pretty sure being dead doesn’t involve waking up again.”

“Oh I did!” Twilight said happily. “You see I-”

Something squeaked from Rainbow’s other side. Rainbow looked Twilight squarely in the eyes.

“Twilight… just how many ponies did you kill?”

Twilight laughed. “Oh, you know… just the titular ones.”

“Is Fluttershy buried next to me?” Rainbow asked in deadpan.

“Well…”

“Um… if it’s not too much trouble… could somepony maybe… get me out of this coffin… please?”

“YOU BURIED FLUTTERSHY!?”

Pinkie pouted. “You let her have a coffin?” She folded her forelegs crossly. “Favouritism.”

“I’ve got her,” Rarity said. Her horn glowed, and a moment later the dirt lifted from Fluttershy’s grave in a neat rectangle. Once the dirt was discarded, Rarity opened the coffin door.

Fluttershy lay on her back, eyes wide in fear. “Th-thank you,” she squeaked. “Um, what’s going on?”

Rainbow offered Fluttershy her hoof. “That’s what I’m trying to figure out.”

“And I’m trying to explain!” Twilight said.

“Fine, then please, do that!”

Twilight huffed. “I don’t know why you’re all so mad. I gave you a gift! When Princess Celestia mentioned in passing about Alicorns being immortal, I didn’t believe her at first. Then she told me it was supposed to be covered in the book of Alicorn biology she gave me after my coronation, but Spike had been using it to even out a table leg for months. Anyways, after that I kinda freaked out a little. I mean, who wouldn’t, right?” She snorted.

No one spoke.

Twilight cleared her throat.

“Aaanyway, I got this crazy idea, right? I thought to myself, there’s no way I want to live my immortal life on my own, how silly is that? So I dug out this old resurrection spell I’d been meaning to study and found out there was a way to make normal ponies immortal too! They just had to die first. So I could resurrect them. Forever!”

Rainbow Dash looked to her other friends. “Please tell me I’m not the only one who thinks this all sounds absolutely insane."

Rarity inspected her hoof with a sigh. “I decided it would be better for my anxiety to just run with it.” She looked towards Rainbow sternly. “Stress causes wrinkles, you know.”

“You won’t need to worry about that now you’re resurrected!” Twilight beamed.

“So…” Rainbow glanced to Pinkie who was now hopping about playfully singing immortal, immortal, immortal over and over again. “Does this mean we’re zombies?”

Pinkie stopped, gasping dramatically. “Ohmygosh are we!?” She grinned a smile that rivaled Twilight's. “Because that sounds super super awesome!”

“Then you’re going to love my answer!” Twilight said.

“Uhh.” Fluttershy raised her hoof in question. “Are my animals still going to… you know… like me? If I’m undead?”

“I very much doubt it,” Rarity said under her breath at the same time Twilight said, “Of course!”

Suddenly a third mound of dirt began to writhe. This one was next to Pinkie.

“Lemme guess,” Rainbow said, eyebrow raised. “Applejack?”

Twilight laughed sheepishly.

Applejack burst out from her grave, gasping like a new born filly. Her eyes widened in surprise as she took in her surroundings. “What in tarnation?” she muttered. “Now Ah know Ah sprained my hoof but there ain’t no way it was this bad.”

“I did you a favour!” Twilight said, snorting indignantly. “I did you all favours!”

“If you believe you did, then that’s all that matters,” Rarity said, smiling frankly.

Twilight frowned. “But I did! I didn’t want to kill any of you immediately, but you were all suffering the way that you were. I had to kill you when I did, I couldn’t have waited!”

Fluttershy’s eyes widened. “I was suffering? I don’t remember suffering.”

“I had a headcold,” Rarity supplied thinly. “Twilight snuck into my bedroom and hit me over the head with a baseball bat. Twice.”

“I had to make sure!” Twilight argued. “Besides, you could barely breathe, it was the equane thing to do.”

“I had a cold.”

“And we all know you complain like it’s the end of the world when you have one,” Twilight shot back. “In fact, the last time you had a cold your exact words were ‘leave me alone to die!”

“That did not give you permission to break into my home and kill me with a baseball bat!”

“I saw it as an open invitation!”

“What is going on?” Applejack asked exhaustedly. “Is this somethin’ Ah can tune out of or…?”

“Twilight killed us!” Pinkie said excitedly, clapping her hooves together. “Now we get to be immortals just like Twilight!”

Applejack stared at Pinkie for a few drawn out seconds. “So that’s a no?”

“Wait a second,” Fluttershy said, her forehead creasing. “That was you dressed as a bear on my front porch?”

Rarity gaped. “That’s why you wanted me to sew you a realistic bear costume?”

Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “Of course! Why else would I ask for one?”

“Frankly darling, what you do in your spare time is not my business…”

Rainbow shot into the air, waving her hooves. “You killed Fluttershy in a bear costume?”

Twilight shrugged. “It was the easiest way to kill her. She wouldn’t expect a friendly bear to poison her tea.”

Fluttershy nodded meekly. “It’s true.”

Rainbow covered her face in exasperation. “You could have just gone to tea at Fluttershy’s and poisoned her drink.”

Twilight opened her mouth before pausing. “Oh,” she said. “Huh. I didn’t think of that.”

“But you thought of a bear suit?”

“Oooh, Twilight you naughty mare!” Pinkie chuckled.

Applejack sighed. “Can Ah just lie back down in mah grave or somethin’?”

“So how’d you kill me?” Rainbow asked incredulously. “How did you even catch me?”

Twilight shrugged. “Duh. I smothered you in your hospital bed yesterday after you sprained your wing.”

“You did WHAT?”

Twilight gestured to Applejack. “Same with AJ, actually.”

“Oooh me next, me next!” Pinkie shouted.

Rainbow shook her head emphatically. “Uh-uh, no way, you’re telling me not only did you kill me in a totally predictable, non-epic way, but it wasn’t even original?”

Twilight backed away awkwardly. “Uhhh…”

“I vote we kill Twilight,” Rainbow said.

“What? NO!”

“Aww, I wanna go!” Pinkie insisted.

“Actually Pinkie,” Twilight said, giving her a once over. “To be honest I followed you around all day to try and kill you but you evaded every single one of my traps like it was no sweat.” Twilight shrugged. “I was actually going to give up, but then you ate about twelve dozen cupcakes and went into a sugar induced coma so I just buried you like that and hoped for the best.” She cocked her head to one side. “Tell me, do you feel dead?”

Pinkie frowned. “What’s it supposed to feel like?”

“Like this,” Rainbow growled.

Twilight screamed as the rainbow pegasus leapt at her from the sky.

Rarity tried to tear Rainbow away with her magic, Fluttershy whispered apologies from the corner and Pinkie rooted for both ‘teams’ while throwing confetti in each of the competitors’ eyes.

Applejack tried to re-bury herself.

The fight ended with a satisfying crunch.

“We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of not one, but six ponies.”

The turn-out for the funeral was pretty good all things considered. Most of Ponyville turned up to celebrate the lives of the Mane Six, as well as a few scattered family members who could make it this late notice, plus a dozen animals from Fluttershy’s cottage. There was also an empty bear costume propped up on one of the chairs. Nopony was brave enough to question it.

The funeral stallion continued his long winded speech, listing the many accomplishments of the Elements of Harmony and Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Princess Celestia sat in the audience, looking somewhat disgruntled. It probably had something to do with the fact that there were five ponies in poorly fitted black cloaks and sunglasses in the back row. All faking their woes to various degrees.

No one but the Princess seemed to notice this.

Pinkie Pie was sobbing erratically, pausing to giggle between breaths. Rarity cried with theatrical charm. Rainbow and Applejack sat with their forelegs crossed, eyes narrowed beneath their cloaks. Fluttershy was too afraid to turn up for her own funeral and Twilight sat with an ice pack pressed against her cheek. Turns out dying via ‘very powerful right-hook’ left its mark even beyond the grave.

When Celestia was asked to say a few words, she sighed deeply into the microphone for a count of forty eight seconds before sitting down again.

No pony knew exactly what that meant, but because she was practically God no one disputed it either.

At the end of the funeral Twilight and her friends gathered in front of the six empty coffins.

“You know I think this all went rather well,” Twilight said, “all things considered.”

“We’re zombies,” Rainbow said.

“Yes,” Twilight said. “But we’re together. And we’re all immortal! How great is that? Now none of us ever have to worry about being alone!”

“We’ll rot,” Rarity said sullenly. “I’m not sure I have any outfits that compliment decaying flesh.”

“What a great way to start a new line!” Twilight said with a smile.

“Zombies can’t eat cupcakes,” Pinkie pouted.

Twilight frowned. “Well honestly I’m not even a hundred percent sure you’re even dead.”

Everypony was silent for a moment.

Twilight reached out her hooves, failing at an attempted 'group hug'. “This will be good for us! You’ll see!”

Applejack sighed. “I hate all of you.” She turned and began to walk away. “If anypony needs me, Ah’m findin’ out whether zombies can get drunk.”

“Sign me up on that action,” Rainbow said.

“This’ll be fine,” Twilight said, a grin still plastered on her face.

Rarity raised a brow. “Are you sure about that darling?”

“I am!” Pinkie beamed. “Besides, these things have a habit of sorting themselves out. By tomorrow, nopony will even remember this narrative!”

Rarity and Twilight shared a look of concern. “What on earth are you talking about?”

Pinkie laughed. “You'll see!”

THE END