Hi, I’m Pumpkin Cake. I’m six years old, and that means I’m a very big filly. I’m a princess too.
It’s true! Princess Flurry Heart is my friend, she comes to visit us sometimes and we play together, and we’ve even been to visit her in the Crystal Palace, and she’s my brother’s special somepony.
If my brother’s special somepony is a princess, that means he’s a prince, because a princess’s special somepony has to be a prince. And if my brother is a prince, that means I’m a princess. That’s the rule. So there.
I know all about princesses. My auntie Pinkie has told us lots of stories about Princess Twilight, and how she fights bad guys, and she isn’t scared of anything. Princesses can do anything, and I’m a princess, so I can too.
Princesses go on missions, and fight bad guys, and rescue Hansels in hardship. So that’s what I’m gonna do. I have a mission from Flurry Heart.
“All hail Princess Flurry Heart!” shouted the royal guard when I walked in. She was on a royal throne and had a golden princess staff thingie.
“Pumpkin Cake, you are like my sister, and since I’m a princess that means you must be a princess too!” Flurry Heart said. “That’s important, Princess Pumpkin, because you need to be as strong as a princess for what you must do!”
I stood up straight and proud. “Yes, Princess Flurry Heart! I, Princess Pumpkin Cake, will help you. What do I have to do?”
“You are a totally real princess, and princesses fight bad guys and rescue ponies. You have to find and rescue your brother. Because he is in trouble!”
“Gasp! My brother is in trouble!”
“Yes! And he is my special somepony. You need to go on a quest to rescue him.”
It went sorta like that.
– – –
Quests are hard, and have lots of opsicles in them, but I know that a real princess always finds a way. My first opsicle is a maze of trees, so thick and tight that I can’t see the sky, and I got turned around and around and I don’t know where I came from and I think I’m lost.
Opsicles aren’t at all like popsicles.
But I know there’s always a way so I keep going.
A long way in the woods I find a little river running between the trees. And I think about it. My brother is a Hansel in hardship. And Hansels in hardship are usually locked in towers. Sometimes they’re tied to train tracks, but there aren’t any train tracks in the forest so I don’t think that counts. So he’s probably in a tower, and towers are high up. And Princess Twilight and Miss Cheerilee told me that water always runs downhill. Unless Discord is around. But I don’t think Discord is around today.
So that means that if I go the other way from the water, I’ll get up higher, and that’s where I’ll find a tower. That makes sense, right?
Well, I push through the trees along the water and I climb up to get back where the water came from, and I find a big pond full of rocks that move. They’re not moving much but I can see that they’re moving.
There’s thick wet grass all around the pond and I just stepped into the water and I thought it was dry grass. Ew. The water’s all dark, and I can’t see what’s under it. It could be anything. I can’t see any way around it through the grass, but the rocks are close together and they’re only moving pretty slowly.
So I find a piece of dry ground where I can get a good running start, with some rocks close by. And then I run as fast as I can and jump onto the first rock.
It turns out moving rocks don’t like it when you jump on them.
The rock moves under me and I almost fall off into the water. I jump from one rock to the next, and keep running over them, and they all start moving a lot faster when I stand on them. Behind me, the first rock I jumped on starts roaring.
I keep running and jumping and I don’t stop until I reach the other end of the pond and then I keep running until I don’t hear the rocks behind me anymore.
That’s how I got by my first opsicle. It was fun, and not even a bit scary. Princesses don’t get scared, and I’m a princess.
So there.
– – –
So I’m on the road, and the road is fine. There are things in the bushes sneaking up on me, but they only move when I look away, so I just have to keep looking around all over while I trot. I can do that.
One time, my foalsitter Sweetie Belle told me that one time her friends the Crusaders went into the Everfree Forest, to get their cutie marks in creature catching, and they found a monster and Miss Fluttershy shooed it away.
So what if they were older than me, and there were three of them and I’m just me? I’ve done lots of hard stuff. I even used the oven once, with daddy watching, and it went fine.
Plus they weren’t even princesses, so if they could do it then I can too. Yeah.
My friend Gabby the Griffon is here too. Say hi Gabby! “Hi, Gabby!” She helped me get by the next opsicle. I had to go across a bridge, and Gabby was in my saddlebag keeping lookout behind me so I didn’t get snuck up on. It was a really swingy bridge. It was really far down.
I like Gabby better than grownups. Grownups always tell me things like “don’t put that in your mouth” and “shouldn’t you be in school right now?” But I can’t be in school when there’s a quest! Princesses don’t have to go to school anyway. I think. Like, unless maybe a bigger princess tells you that you have to, like when Cadance tells Flurry Heart. But Cadance is Flurry Heart’s mom, and moms beat princesses. I once saw Princess Twilight fight her mom, and Princess Twilight lost.
It’s true! One time me and Pound and mommy and daddy all went to the Crystal Empire, and Princess Twilight was there too, and all her friends, and Princess Twilight’s mom and dad were there. We played with Flurry Heart, and Flurry Heart said Princess Twilight’s mom, Miss Twilight, was her granny.
Pound and Flurry were super happy to play together, cuz he’s her special somepony, and we had a lot of fun. We all played together a lot, and Pinkie and this unicorn with glasses played with us, but I heard somepony fighting in the other room and I peeked and I saw Princess Twilight and Miss Twilight. And Princess Twilight was like “Mom, I’m a princess, I can do anything I want!” And Miss Twilight was like “No, you’re my little filly and you’re not going out in the snow without a scarf!” And Princess Twilight was like “Okaaaaayyyyyyyy” and she put on the scarf.
Anyway, so there was a bridge, and there were bad guys behind me, but they didn’t dare come close when they saw Gabby. Miss Fluttershy came to the playground one time and told us about animals. She said that some animals attack you if you’re alone, but not if you have a friend. I have Gabby with me, so we’re safe.
Gabby’s a great lookout cuz she never blinks. Her eyes are made of buttons.
I sure hope mommy doesn’t find out I’m here.
– – –
You know princesses always have magic treasures that help them, right? Princess Twilight has the Lemons of Harmony, and Princess Cadance and Flurry Heart have the Crystal Heart, and Princess Celestia and Princess Luna have their, um. They have their crowns, and those big necklace thingies, I guess?
I have my pink saddlebags on, with Gabby inside, and my lunch bag in case I get hungry. But if I’m gonna be a proper princess and rescue a Hansel in hardship I need magic helping things too. Like, in all the picture books daddy reads us at night the princess always has a special magic thing. I’m gonna be a princess too, so I need to do it right.
There’s a stick on the side of the road that looks right size. I pick it up with my magic, and I only spark a little bit. It’s not too heavy, and I swing it against a tree and it doesn’t break.
“You are my magic sword,” I tell the sword. “Your name is… um…” I can’t think of a name. “You’ll get your name at the end of the story!” That works.
There’s another stick nearby that’s shorter, and thicker. I pick it up as well. “You can be my shield. I don’t know if shields get names. But if I think of a good one, I’ll tell you.”
There. Now I’m ready. That’s how I, Princess Pumpkin, got a magic sword and shield to fight bad guys.
If you have something to help you that makes things not be as scary. Not that I’m scared.
I keep going, and the road goes past a cave, and there’s a bear by the cave. Bears don’t care if you have friends with you, so Gabby can’t help me with that. Plus the bear looks awfully big to fight with my magic sword, but Hansels in hardship don’t get locked up by bears anyway so I don’t have to win against the bear. But I just remembered something my friend Hylee told me.
My friend Hylee’s a nymph. Hylee isn’t her whole name but I can’t say her whole name yet. Her parents moved to Ponyville a couple of years ago. They’re the first new changelings in Ponyville, and Hylee told me once that if something scary is coming at you, the best trick is to look like a rock.
So I lie down and don’t move and don’t make a sound, and try hard to look like a rock. And the bear comes up to me and he nudges me and he sniffs all over and I bite down as hard as I can so I don’t scream and after a while the bear goes away.
Thanks, Hylee.
– – –
I climb the rocks on the other side of the bear’s cave and I go through the trees.
I keep going up, and it’s getting really hard to climb, and I’m sweaty and my saddlebag is heavy. But then I get through and I can see far far away. And there it is.
I could see it: far away right ahead of me was a huge tower standing up over the trees. And I knew that was where I have to go.
On my next step I trip over something and I fall forward, and there’s a slippery edge and I fall down, and the grass is wet and I can’t hold on to anything and I just keep falling and falling until I hit the bottom really hard with my head first.
And then it’s cold and wet and noisy all over. I try to get up, but I slip and fall again, and I hurt all over. I look up, and right in front of me there’s this big ugly frog looking at me. He blows up his chin and says “raaa-WRK”.
I try to get up again, but I can’t get a grip and I slip and fall again, and I’m soaked through my coat and it’s gross and dirty and I hate it. I’m all scraped up, and my saddlebags are wet and my lunch is ruined, and Gabby is dirty and wet and everything is just horrid and and and
“Come on, Pumpkin,” Flurry Heart told me. “Please don’t cry. Pound needs you.”
“My head hurts,” I told her. “I fell and I scraped my knees, I hurt all over and I’m wet and I’m cold and my nose is running.”
“Quests are always hard,” Flurry Heart told me. “All the princesses have to get past opsicles that get in their way. But if you have the strength of a princess, you can get past anything.”
“I don’t feel like a princess,” I said. “I want to go home. I want to hug mommy and take a bath and have a hot cocoa.”
“Don’t be scared,” Flurry Heart said. “Pound needs your help. And I’m here with you. Let’s go help him together.” She took my hoof in both of hers and pulled me up. “Only a princess can finish a quest. I’m a princess, and I know you’re a princess too!”
I sniffed. “Really?”
Flurry Heart flapped her wings. “Really!”
I stand up, even though my knees are all scraped and hurt a lot. I wipe my muzzle and I look around. I’m at the bottom of a ditch, and the high spot I was on before is way up above me.
My sword and shield fell down right next to me. I pick them up.
Princesses don’t give up. They don’t quit when things get tough.
I know what way I saw the tower. So I go that way, and I keep going.
– – –
The pegasus foals aren’t allowed to fly on the playground at school. They have to stay on the ground.
But Pound is a really strong flier. He can go for ages, and he gets antsy if he’s not allowed to fly. So sometimes him and the two other pegasus colts in class sneak away and go flying away from the playground. Sometimes they don’t come back before it’s time to be inside, and Miss Cheerilee gets mad at them.
Me and my friends, Hylee and Pinion and Buckle were all waiting for them just before the bell. But…
“What do you mean he’s not with you?!” I yelled at one of the colts.
The colt shrank back. “It was a dare! I didn’t think he’d really go!”
Hylee and Pinion and Buckle all looked around at each other, looking scared.
“What dare?! Where’d he go?”
“We were on top of a roof out on the edge of town,” said the other pegasus colt. “If you go up just a bit from there you can see the whole Everfree… All the way out to the old castle. And… Bolt said...”
“Don’t blame me! He shouldn’t have done it!”
“What did you say?!”
“I… I said ‘I bet you can’t fly all the way to the castle and back’. And he said ‘Oh yeah? Sure I can!’, and…”
And he didn’t come back.
“We need to tell Miss Cheerilee,” Pinion said, but she sounded scared as she said it. I knew how mad Miss Cheerilee got when one of the foals ran away from school.
The bell rang. But I didn’t listen.
I ran away, out to the forest, and I didn’t stop.
– – –
In the end I find the tree.
I went really far into the forest, and it got darker and darker. The ground was rocky. The grass was gray in here, and the trees were thick and tall.
One tree stood out. It was much thicker than the others, and taller, and it was covered in scratches. Deep, long, scratches, going up and down.
Everywhere else in the forest there were sounds. Water running. Birds chirping. Wind in the leaves. But here it’s totally quiet, like nothing wants to be here, even animals.
Totally quiet except for a sniffle and a whimper coming from high up above me.
I look up into the tree with the claw marks. “Pound?”
The sniffles stop. A branch shakes, and there’s Pound and he’s looking down at me. He’s all dirty, and his mane is messier than usual, and he’s been crying. “Pumpkin?” He doesn’t sound at all like himself. He sounds scared, but I guess being a Hansel in hardship is scary. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m here to save you,” I say. “Can you come down?”
He turns away, and his face is all scrunched up. “I’m stuck. I hurt my wing. I can’t move. I can’t fly. I… I thought nopony would ever find me.”
“It’s okay, I’m gonna save you!” I yell. I look at the tree, but it doesn’t look like a fun playtime tree. “I can’t climb it… Wait for me, I’ll find a way up!”
“Pumpkin, wait!” He yells down. “Pumpkin, you’ve got to go! There are things out there! They’re trying to climb the trees to get to me, but they can’t get up… But they get higher every time.”
I hear something snap and crack behind me and I jump around. Everything is dark shadows, and there are yellow glowing lights in the dark all around me.
I hold up my sword and shield and I look into the shadows. And then the scary thing comes out.
It sort of looks like a dead tree got mad and decided to be a big dog. It’s made of broken sticks and brown leaves. Parts of it move that shouldn’t move. It smells like old garbage and sadness. It’s really, really, really big, and it’s coming towards me. It’s looking right at me, and its mouth is oh gross and its teeth are black and gross and squishy-looking. It looks mean, and unhappy, so unhappy, like it’s never been happy a day in its life.
It looks hungry. And it looks away from me and up the tree at Pound, and he tucks in like he’s trying to hide from it.
And I’m the only pony between it and him.
There’s a lump in my throat alluvasudden. “Y-y… You cn… You can’t hhhave him.”
I’m not very good with magic. Not as good as Pound is with flying. But I hold up my sword and my shield in front of me and I’m not shaking at all and I’m not scared because princesses don’t get scared and princesses fight bad guys and help ponies and I have to help Pound.
The rotten log-dog looks down at me with those icky yellow eyes that aren’t eyes. Its mouth opens up and it huffs and puffs at me and the smell is so bad I can see it in the air.
“I—I—I’m n n-n-nnnnot af—af...I’m not…” I blink because my eyes are wet but I’m not crying, I wasn’t crying at all. And I’m not shaking like a leaf, and I don’t feel sick to my stomach like I’m gonna hurl.
The air is full of howls. More rotten log-dogs come out from the trees, and they’re all looking right at me.
The big one lifts its gross, clumpy paw and it knocks away my magic sword and shield with one hit. They fly away and stick in the mud off to the side.
And then it’s just me, looking up at it, all on my own.
My eyes sting. Tears run down my face. My sword and shield can’t help me, Gabby can’t help me, it’s just me alone between the dogs and Pound and I don’t know what to do and I’m so scared and I want my mommy but it’s just me out in the forest and it’s so dark.
Are you there Flurry?
“I’m nnnnaaaah…” It’s hard to breathe. “I’m…”
Please help me I’m so scared
My face is wet. I bite my teeth together as hard as I can. “I’m… nnnnot afraid of you.”
If Flurry Heart was here she’d shout it so loud you’d hear it from Appleoosa. But I’m not Flurry Heart, so it’s just a squeak like a tiny little mouse.
The rotten log-dog looks at me, and I’m shaking so bad. It opens its mouth, it opens so big like it’s gonna swallow me up, and makes a sound like hooves on chalkboard, and I think I know what it’s saying.
I think it’s saying run away, little pony. Run away screaming, and be hunted.
I can’t move. I want to run away so bad. But I can’t move.
It’s gonna eat me. And it’s gonna eat Pound. And I can’t do anything, just stand here. And I’m crying.
It’s not fair.
I look up at the stupid scary rotten-log dog. I came all this way. I got past all those opsicles. I got help from Hylee and Gabby and Flurry and it doesn’t even care. It’s gonna eat me anyway.
And I think of Flurry Heart telling me to be strong like a princess, and I think of Pound, who needs my help. But it just beat away my magic sword like it was nothing.
It’s not fair.
Flurry Heart told me I could be strong like a princess. Because I need to help Pound.
Stupid dog.
I look up at the stupid dog and I bite my teeth together. “Nnn. Nnnnno. No.”
It makes the sound again, and all the other rotten-log dogs join in. It stomps its paws and it sounds soft and squishy and gross.
I don’t care. It can eat me if it wants but I’m not gonna let it boss me around.
“I’m nnnn… I’m not going!” I say through my teeth. “I’m not… afraid of you. I’m not letting you have Pound!” I shout for real. “Princesses don’t get scared and I’m not afraid of you, you stupid dog!”
I pick up my sword again and I hit the dog on its stupid rotten snout as hard as I can. It goes smack, really loud, louder than anything, and for a second all the dogs are quiet.
The big rotten-log dog looks extra stupid just then. But the other dogs howl at it, and then it gets mad again. But now I’m mad too, and if the stupid dog thinks it’s going to scare me then it’s just really stupid.
Maybe princesses get eaten sometimes, but they don’t get scared. Maybe being a princess means not being scared even if you think you’re gonna get eaten. And then smacking the scary thing in the snout with a magic sword.
“I believe in you, Pumpkin!” Flurry Heart said in my ear. “Now show that dog who’s a princess!”
I take a deep breath and use all my magic to smack it again. “You’re not scary,” I yell at it. “You’re just a big dumb meanie!”
It really is a dumb dog. It looks all confused when I hit it, and the other rotten-log dogs just kinda watch, turning left and right like they don’t know what’s going on.
My horn is shooting off sparks, and it’s starting to hurt my head a little, but I don’t care. I hold my sword up high and I hit the stupid dog with it as hard as I can right in the face.
I take a step forward, and I yell at the rotten-log dog as loud as I can, “I’m not afraid of you! I’m a princess! And you’re just a big stupid dog who’s trying to scare me, and you can all just go away!”
It’s a good shout. Really good, like a real princess shout.
It’s so good that just as I say it, lightning hits. There’s a huge flash of light and a really loud CRACK and I can’t see anything at all because my eyes are full of spots. And then I hear ponies shouting.
My ears are ringing but I hear Auntie Pinkie saying my name. “Pumpkin? Pumpkin!!” And then I’m wrapped up in a tight, warm hug.
The spots go away enough that I can see and the first thing I see is Auntie Pinkie’s face. She looks at me, and her mane is all flat, and she looks really sad and really scared and really happy at the same time.
Up above her I see Miss Fluttershy take Pound from the tree and fly him down. She’s saying, “It’s okay, big guy, everything’s okay now… there we go… Everything’s fine.”
There’s lots of noise all over. The rotten-log dogs are running and barking. And all of Auntie Pinkie’s friends are here, Miss Rainbow and Miss Applejack and even Miss Rarity are all chasing away the rotten log-dogs, and Princess Twilight is next to Pinkie and she smiles.
Miss Fluttershy puts Pound on the ground and he runs up to me and then Pinkie is hugging both of us. She squeezes us tight, and she yells at us, “don’t you ever do that again! You scared me half to death!”
I can barely hear her. “Hi, Auntie Pinkie,” I say. “I did it. I found Pound. I’m a princess.” I blink. “I’m tired.”
Then I close my eyes and I fall asleep.
Author's Note
She was Pumpkin, a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle!
Story notes:
Hylee’s full name is Hyalopterous.
Please do not ever look directly at a six-pony teleportation at point-blank range.
What should Pumpkin's magical sword and/or shield be named? Leave your suggestion in the comments.
This story was a compromise in various ways. Most crucially, Pumpkin’s age and vocabulary were in conflict: her reasoning is that of a rather small child, but in order to tell a coherent story I had to up her language skills by a few years. So if you think she sounds awfully old to be six, that’s why.
The “Hansel in hardship” trope was originally named Herbert, after the prince of Swamp Castle:
