Aria Blaze, mother?!
“Yo! Purple Princess! We need a cup of some of your fancy royal sugar, or whatever!”
With a start, a “GHAH!”, and nearly tossing a book in the air, Twilight Sparkle was interrupted from the book she was reading by one Aria Blaze, earth pony mare with twin ponytails held in place by large, metal star-shaped mane-accessories, a spiked collar and four matching spiked leg bracelets, and an expression like Twilight was wasting her time.
Aria suddenly glanced around the, until recently, quiet study area Twilight was in. “Holy crud, Princess… Did the local library have a fire sale or something?”
Twilight’s face twitched involuntarily. It was unclear if the previous comment was intended to offend or if Aria had accidently stumbled into an incredibly insensitive thing to say by sheer happenstance. With Aria, both options were equally likely.
“Hi, Princess Twilight Sparkle!” a brown colt in a propeller beanie greeted excitedly. Under his mane was a tuft of spiky orange-red hair and the propeller on his beanie spun despite the absence of wind. Twilight once again made a mental note to study this phenomenon.
“Hello, Button Mash,” Twilight greeted the colt. She focused a recusatory glare at Aria. “What brings you two to my home without knocking?”
“Well excuuuuuse me, Princess!” Aria replied. “Didn’t know I needed to make a royal appointment for this stupid neighbor stuff!”
Twilight sighed. “You don’t need to make an—”
Aria looked around. “Where’s your royal scheduler anyway? Or like Servants? Serfs? Figured a princess like you would at least have some toadies to make her duck under pheasant and fluff her pillows and stuff.”
Twilight frowned. “Well… I have Spike, but he’s not…” Twilight sighed and took a deep breath. “What do you want, Aria?”
“L.T.’s trying to make some family cookies or some garbage… Found out she was out of sugar. Told me to ask for some ‘superfine sugar’ from the neighbors.”
“… Okay, but why’d you come to me?!” Twilight said. “You have other neighbors!”
“She said, ‘super fine’, Princess!” Aria pointed out. “Figured that was just something royals got, or whatever…”
Twilight closed her eyes hard. “It’s not…” She opened her eyes. “Why’d she send you and Button?”
Button answered, “Mom got mad because we ate all the sugar.”
“… Why the heck were you two just eating sugar?!”
“It was super fine sugar!” Button protested. “We thought it was special!”
“… This really sounds like a ‘Sonata’ scenario,” Twilight quipped with a raised eyebrow.
Aria grunted in annoyance. “Sonata started the whole ‘super fine’ equals ‘special’ sugar thing and got Button and I to try some with her, and then she ratted us out to L.T. to curry favor with her ‘mommy’.”
Button frowned. “She took my spot as mom’s baking assistant!” he whined. “That means she gets first dibs on beater and bowl-licking! It’s just not fair!”
Aria nodded. “Yeah... For like… a borderline-functional woman-child, she’s pretty clever when she wants to be.”
“Twilight?” a mare’s voice called out.
Button and Aria turned towards the study’s entrance where the voice had come out of.
“In here, Starlight... Maybe you can help our guests.”
“I thought you said you didn’t have any slaves,” Aria commented.
Twilight grit her teeth. “I don’t. Starlight is my friendship student.”
“… That sounds much worse,” Aria replied.
Twilight let out a grunt of disapproval as Starlight walked in.
“I didn’t know we were having guests,” Starlight said. “Twilight, is this some sort of surprise friendship…” Starlight’s jaw dropped as she caught sight of Aria.
Aria’s face tightened as she looked at Starlight. “That coat color and hair stripe better be natural, or I’m gonna talk to Adagio or maybe Chip about taking legal actions.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “You can’t sue somepony for looking like you, Aria,” Twilight said.
“Well… illegal actions, then.”
“… Right, for expediency, I’m going to hold onto my groans,” Twilight said.
“Hi, Starlight!” Button greeted as he walked up to the mare and extended a forehoof. “My name is Button Mash and behind me is my big-middle sis Aria Blaze!”
Starlight glanced down at Button, her eyes seemingly to barely register that the colt was present. She pressed a forehoof against his head gently. “Hello, Mutton Bash…”
“It’s Button Mash!” Button corrected excitedly.
“Uh, Princess?” Aria said. “Why is your indentured friendship servant staring at me like that? Do I have, like, something on my face or something?”
Twilight turned towards Starlight, a quizzical expression coming over the princess as she observed Starlight’s apprehension and surprise. “Uh, Starlight? Is something wrong?”
“Mom?” Starlight interrupted.
Aria and Twilight stared blankly at Starlight.
“Oh hey!” Button chimed in. “You two do look kinda the same!” he said as he motioned to Aria.
“Uh… Wow… I was not prepared for today…” Aria muttered.
“Hah!” Twilight snorted out. “Welcome to every day dealing with you and your sisters!”
Aria turned and scowled at Twilight for a moment before a thoughtful look crossed her face. “… That’s fair…” She turned back towards Starlight, frowning as she looked the similarly-looking mare up and down. “Look, uh…”
“… Call me ‘your little shining star,” Starlight said.
“... Hard ‘no’ to that,” Aria said, shaking her head. “Look, hate to break it to you, but I’ve been on a different planet or dimension or whatever for like… a long-ass time. So… chances of being your mom… pretty slim…”
Starlight’s ears and the rest of her expression faltered somewhat.
“… Unless…”
Starlight perked up, “Unless…?”
“Uh… this is kinda embarrassing, but I don’t know where baby ponies come from.”
Button’s forehoof suddenly thrust into the air. “Oooh, oooh! I know this one! Sweetie Belle taught me!”
Twilight turned, eyes as wide as saucers, at Button Mash.
“… You’re joking…” Starlight said.
Aria shook her head. “Naw… Like… I mean… Maybe you ponies get too much friendship or love on you and then children just pop out fully formed out of your forehead and run off into the night or whatever? There’s a lot more friendship and love goin’ on around me since I became a pony… Not really directed at me that much but like… Maybe I got magic pony preggers from a toilet seat?”
Starlight eyes, lips, and ears all began to twitch randomly as if she was a robot that was suddenly fed an unanswerable question.
Twilight turned towards Aria. “You can’t get pregnant from a toilet seat, Aria.”
“Well, I don’t know!” Aria exclaimed tossing her hooves up in the air. “It’s not like I was born and raised a pony!”
“… I have so many questions right now,” Starlight uttered.
Twilight sucked in a deep breath, then let it out. “So… we’re just going to ignore that the prepubescent child, was apparently ‘taught’ where babies come from by his filly friend?”
“Dude!” Aria exclaimed. “That’s messed up, Twilight!”
“Me?!” Twilight said. She motioned towards Button. “He said it first!”
“Yeah, but... he said it without any weird implications, Princess Pedobear.”
Button frowned. “What’s a ‘pedobear’?”
Starlight chimed in. “My list of questions also grows, young colt.”
Twilight frowned. “But…”
“Look,” Aria said, “if Adagio taught Button about where babies come from, you should call the frickin’ cops… or like… sick your royal guard on her? I’m not sure how you people, uh, ponies keep the peace.”
“Okay, but… phrasing and...” Twilight let out a heavy sigh. "Never mind..."
Starlight’s eyes went cross-eyed as she pursed her lips in confusion. “You know… I don’t know who we'd call in that case either…”
Twilight frowned in annoyance. She turned towards Button. “Cover your ears, Button.”
Button frowned. “Mom says that to me when she’s about to yell a lot… Are you going to yell, Miss Princess Twilight Sparkle?”
“Erm… no…” Twilight turned towards Aria, a slightly worried expression on her face. “Are, umm… are Love Tap and Chip fighting?”
“Huh?” Aria replied. “Those two get on with each other like an orphanage on fire. I dunno if they’ve ever fought…” Aria’s featured tightened. “Freakin’ true love b.s… makes me sick.”
“Then why…?”
“Mom tells me to do that when she’s going to yell at my sisters,” Button replied.
Realization flashed across Twilight's face. This was followed by a knowing scowl directed at Aria. “That makes sense.” She turned back towards Button. “I’m not going to yell at Aria… Yet.”
“Oh… Okay!” Button said as he cheerfully complied with Twilight’s request.
Twilight turned towards Starlight. “Don’t go spreading this around, but Aria was once a siren, a—”
“—creature who mind controls others and feeds on their emotions,” Starlight finished. “I know… Studying them really helped me out with the ‘Equalizing process’.”
“… What?” Aria exclaimed.
Twilight smacked her forehooves against her face. “This is going to take forever.”
Starlight looked at Aria sheepishly. “I, erm… I once stole the cutie marks from an entire village… a process that helped me with brainwashing them.”
Aria’s eyes widened and surprise and she looked over at Twilight. “Twilight, how dare you!”
Starlight’s ears fell around her head which similarly lowered.
Twilight sighed. “Please do not get on my case about making you neighbors with someone with a checkered past. I cannot handle the irony!”
Aria motioned to Starlight. “I can’t believe there was such a metal pony living this close to me and you never told me!”
“… What?” Twilight replied.
Starlight’s face opened into a smile. “I have no idea what that means, but it makes me happy somehow…”
“We’re getting off topic,” Twilight said.
“I also almost destroyed the world by trying to get my revenge on Twilight by traveling back in time!” Starlight said happily.
“… Bitchin’!” Aria replied.
Twilight smacked a forehoof against her face. “Please don’t encourage such reckless and deadly behavior in my student, Aria.”
“You’re not her mom!” Aria snapped.
“No,” Starlight interjected, “but erm… You might be mine?”
“No,” Twilight said, “That’s not—”
“CAN I TAKE MY HOOVES OFF MY EARS, YET?” Button asked loudly.
“NOT YET!” Twilight shouted back.
“OKAY!”
Twilight took a deep breath, raised a foreleg up, let out her breath, then lowered her foreleg. “Now where was I?”
“Where do baby ponies come from?” Aria said.
“Where did Aria come from?” Starlight corrected.
“Oh… right…”
Twilight nodded. “Okay… Well, Aria was a siren that plagued all of Equestria.”
Starlight smirked and ribbed Aria lightly. “Nice going.”
“Thanks!” Aria replied proudly.
“Stop that!” Twilight snapped. “Anyhow, Starswirl the Beard—”
“Oh, magic shenanigans!” Starlight said. She nodded. “I think I got it.”
Twilight frowned with both her forehead and mouth. “Shenanigans?”
“Okay, my turn,” Aria said. “Twilight, where do babies come from?”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “You know I have some books—”
“Ew…” Aria said. “No way, Twilight. I don’t want your weird, pervy pony porn books.”
Twilight’s eye twitched. “They’re not porn!”
Aria nodded. “I’m sure that’s also what you told your parents.”
Twilight threw her forelegs up in the air. “Oh my gosh, you are the worst!”
“Huh…” Aria uttered. “So that’s what that feels like.”
Twilight let out a heavy sign. “I really don’t want to explain this right now. I’ll get a nice, scientific…”
“Bored now,” Aria said. “Hey, Squirt!”
“YES, MIDDLE-BIG SIS?!”
“Pull your hooves out of your ears first, dumb-dumb.”
“OH! OKA—er… Okay!” Button said as he removed his hooves.
“Where do pony babies come from?” Aria asked.
“Well… Mating season happens 2 to 3 times during the spring and summer months where girl ponies go into heat, also known as estrus, which makes the boy ponies—”
Twilight’s head began to shake. “I’M NOT LISTENING TO A CHILD EXPLAIN SEX ED!”
“THERE!” Aria said motioning to Twilight. “Sex! Thanks! All I needed to know… Unless pony mating season sex is diff—”
“IT’S PRETTY MUCH THE SAME AS REGULAR PONY SEX AND ALSO HUMAN SEX!”
“Okay…” Aria replied. Her eyes narrowed. “How the heck do you know that, you weirdo?”
“How do you know that, Twilight?” Starlight inquired.
Twilight narrowed her eyes accusingly at Aria. “You’ve been in both worlds, Aria… Are you, Aria Blaze, really going to sit in judgment of me on this?”
“… That would make a bit more sense if my name was ‘Adagio Dazzle’, Princess…”
Twilight frowned. “I guess you’re right…”
“Still… You’ve got a point,” Aria said. “’Weirdo’ comment retracted…”
Twilight inhaled and blew out the breath in such a way that her lips flapped up and down audibly.
Starlight looked at Aria. “So I guess you’re not…?”
“Your mom?” Aria said. “Probably not… I mean… I think I’d remember carrying a baby for nine—“
“Eleven.” Twilight corrected.
“—whatever months… Sorry, Starry.”
Surprisingly, Starlight shrugged. “It’s okay…”
“Huh…” Aria said. “You took that better than I thought you would.”
“Eh,” Starlight replied. “If you were my mom, I’d have to start asking you why you abandoned me…” Starlight’s lips began to twitch. “Why did you leave me all alone?!” Anger danced across Starlight’s face. “Do you have any Equestrian idea of how messed up I grew up without parents?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT ABANDONING ME DID TO ME?!”
“Uh… Starlight?” Twilight began. “Maybe you should take a break and relax a little while I go get that sugar…”
Starlight shook her head slightly, her expression turning to a sheepish embarrassment. “Sorry… Just… growing up without parents… Kinda a big deal for me…”
“… Is it weird that I like you more now?” Aria said.
Starlight turned towards Aria in surprise.
“I mean… that’s weird, right?”
“YES!” Twilight exclaimed. “It’s super weird!”
“Hey!” Button chimed in. “If Starlight needs a mom, maybe she can also be my new sister!”
Starlight’s ears shot up in interest.
“Huh…” Aria said. “I don’t know if L.T. is like… the town bicycle of being every pony’s mom, or whatever, but…”
Twilight thought for a moment. “… She kind of is…”
Starlight’s face lit up.
“But, no!” Twilight cried. “Just no! Love Tap has to deal with enough wackadoodles.”
Starlight let out a surprised, whimpering shriek.
“Dude! Uncool!” Aria exclaimed. “You can’t just trash talk your roomy like that!”
Twilight looked at Aria in disbelief. “You can’t possibly be serious right now.”
Starlight looked at Twilight, a hurt expression on her face, and a pout on her quivering lips. “You… you really think I’m a wackadoodle?”
Twilight looked at Starlight and put on a tight smile. “Well… it’s just that I already asked Love Tap to watch Aria and her… um… sisters, and that was a lot to ask already, so…”
“Ouch, Twilight…” Aria said, shaking her head. “Just say ‘yes’ and get it over with. No need to stab the knife then twist it!”
“I didn’t say ‘yes’!” Twilight exclaimed.
“Yeah,” Button began, “but you didn’t say ‘no’, either.”
Everypony went silent for a beat.
“Oh, snap!” Aria exclaimed. “Called out by a prepubescent child, ya mook!” Aria shook her head. “You’re the worst Princess of Friendship ever.”
“…I’m the only Princess of Friendship ever.”
“So, you admit that I’m right!”
“UGGGGGHHHH! ARIA! GET OUT OF MY—”
Starlight placed a forehoof on Twilight’s shoulder.
“WHAT?!” Twilight snapped. She took a breath. “I mean, ‘What is it, Starlight.’”
“I need to not be here… in the castle…”
Twilight put on a bewildered expression. “What?! Starlight, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean—”
“Dude…” Aria uttered. “Are you two like… Pony matting seasoning or whatever?”
“What?!” Twilight exclaimed. “No!” She turned towards Starlight. “But I am Starlight’s teacher and sort of responsible for making sure she doesn’t get into trouble and apparently a big stupid idiot who doesn’t know when to keep her mouth shut and shouldn’t have just said that!”
Aria gave Twilight a smug look. “You said it, not me…”
“And that’s why I need to leave for a bit,” Starlight said.
Twilight grit her teeth. “Are you sure you won’t reconsider.”
Starlight shook her head. “I’m sorry Twilight, but right now I kind of want to explode your head with magic.”
The sound of a masculine voice clearing his throat suddenly entered the room.
Everypony turned to see an orange pegasus stallion in gold armor and blue plume tap a spear against his shoulder plate.
“The heck did he come from?!” Aria cried.
Starlight turned towards the stallion then back to Twilight. “The fact that Flash would lodge his spear in my skull before I got the spell off is also somewhat a factor.”
“WHAT?!” Aria yelled. “Dang, Princess! Why are you hiding all the cool ponies in your castle?! Are you keeping them from the rest of us?!”
“That’s Flash Sentry, Aria. He’s my guard…”
Aria glanced at Flash than back at Twilight. “Guard and mating season pony?”
“…”
“Seriously, Princess… You can just say ‘yes’.”
“Fiiiine!” Twilight growled out. “’Yes’! There, are you happy?”
Aria shrugged. “That sorta depends… How good are you at the ‘sharing’ part of friendship?”
Flash’s wings suddenly unfurled as his cheeks turned red.
“Sharing is caring!” Button suddenly exclaimed.
“I just…” Twilight smacked a forehoof against her face. With a purple glow of her horn she disappeared with a bright light and a ‘Pomff!’
“Wow…” Aria said. “Rude!”
Twilight suddenly ‘Pomff’ed back into the room, a bag marked ‘superfine sugar’ on it suspended in a purple glow. The bag was suddenly thrust into Aria’s chest.
Aria wrapped a foreleg around it. “Great… I’ll just… hobble back to the house I guess.”
An electric blue aura suddenly wrapped itself around the bag and it floated upwards. “Allow me,” Starlight said.
“Thanks, Starry!” Aria said. “Hey, you need help packing up your stuff? Heck… You have a place to stay? You can bunk in my room if you wanna.”
“Yay! Sleepover!” Button exclaimed.
Starlight’s eyes began to sparkle in shine brightly and the mare practically began to shake as if doing the best to restrain her excitement.
Twilight’s teeth began to audibly grind against each other.
Starlight turned towards Twilight.
The sound of a spear tapping against armor could be heard again.
Twilight inhaled then exhaled loudly. “Starlight, if taking a break is what you want, well… You’re a grown mare. I’m certainly not going to stop you…”
Aria smirked. “You’re just going to hint that you don’t want her to leave as passively-aggress—Ooof! The heck, squirt?!”
Button removed his foreleg from Aria’s side and brought it to his lips. “Shhh… Princess Twilight Sparkle is being serious now.”
Aria frowned and lowered her head. “Ah, snap…Now I’m the mook…”
Twilight continued, “…Just… remember that you always have a place here at the castle, alright?”
Starlight smiled slightly and nodded. “I will, Twilight…”
“And I hope Aria’s room is pretty big…” Twilight said.
Starlight and Aria both looked at Twilight in confusion.
“…because it’s going to need to be fit the giant scroll of an apology I need to write up.”
Starlight’s mouth parted into a dazzling smile.
“… Okay,” Aria said. “Even I have to admit that was pretty slick.”
“Flash?” Starlight said. “I am going to wrap my forelegs around Twilight in a hug… Please don’t mistake it for me trying to choke her and spear my brains out.”
“Noted,” Flash replied. “Proceed.”
Starlight and Twilight leaned close and wrapped their forelegs around each other, squeezed, then parted. Starlight turned towards Aria. “I think I just need to grab a toothbrush and maybe a book or two… That should suffice.”
Twilight let out a massive sigh of relief.
“You got it, Starry!” Aria replied. “Thanks for the sugar, Princess! Catch ya later… And remember what I said about ‘sharing’…”
Flash shifted nervously, but his wings remained retracted.
Twilight closed her eyes and opened them back up, fixing Aria with a glare. “I’ve never threatened a pony using my guard before, but please don’t make me have Flash skewer you with his spear.”
“Totally what I was hoping for, Twilight!”
Flash’s wings suddenly sprung open again.
Starlight let out a giggle-snort.
“… I don’t get it,” Button said simply.
“EVERYONE OUT, NOW!” Twilight barked.
Laughing all the way, Aria and Starlight made a quick exit, Button Mash in tow.
Flash looked at Twilight nervously, then towards the door as his wings began to slowly close. “Erm… does that include me? ‘Cause I’m sorta supposed to keep an eye on you…”
“YES! You too, Flash!”
Flash’s wings and ears faltered. “Oh… Okay… if you’re ordering me to leave… I guess I…”
“I’m ordering you to guard the inside of my bedchamber,” Twilight said, her serious expression cracking slightly into a smirk.
Flash’s wings sprung back up in an instant. “Best guard job ever…” He looked at Twilight. “Not that I mind, per se, but uh… Giving how stressed that whole exchange made you feel, guessing things are going to get a little… odd in the bedroom…?”
“Yes,” Twilight answered.
“Okay… ‘I’ve got a lot of pent-up frustration to get out of my system’ weird, or ‘Break out the biology books on mating habits' weird?’”
“Yes.”
“Right…” Flash turned and trotted out the door. “I’ll go put on the Princess Celestia wig…” Flash paused momentarily, and putting on his best dignified, feminine voice added, “... my faithful student.”
The End
