The Squad of Enhanced Xenic Youths

by chillbook1

Rating: mature
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Other, Aria Blaze, Comedy, Adventure, Sex, Sunset Shimmer, Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 31536

Aria Blaze, former supervillain, current member of S.E.X.Y. (she didn't pick the name), tries to find her place as a hero, and maybe get some revenge while she's at it.

Aria Blaze is The Ass Master (she didn't pick the name), former supervillain. After a defeat at the hands Sunset Shimmer, AKA Captain Kink, Aria is forced to turn over a new leaf. She joins the Squad of Enhanced Xenic Youths (again, she didn't pick the name), hoping to stay on the right side of the law.

And maybe get some revenge on her former partner-in-crime.

WARNING: Contains crude and juvenile sexual humor, sexual super powers, and sexually-charged situations (but no real sex to speak of. Sorry to disappoint.)

Published 2017-03-18 21:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-01-22 05:44:43 UTC

S.E.X.Y.

Six months ago…

“Aria, hold her off! I’ll be back for you in a few!”

“Don’t leave me, you stuck-up bitch!”

Aria’s shouts had, apparently, fallen on deaf ears, because her partner-in-crime had left her high and dry. She should’ve had faith in Adagio. The two had known each other for years now, and got along well enough to rob a bank together. Still, Aria had very low expectations for how her next few minutes would play out.

She cracked her knuckles, waiting for her nemesis to burst through the door. Even though she was ready for Captain Kink, Aria still found herself a bit concerned. Even with her abilities, Aria knew from experience that those whips of Kink’s weren’t exactly what she would describe as a fun time. But, at the same time, Aria’s job wasn’t supposed to be fun. If she wanted fun, she’d have a normal career, like a bartender or a line cook. If she really wanted fun, she’d be unemployed. But she didn’t want fun. She wanted money. She wanted power. She wanted adoration. These things were not earned by having a normal job.

That’s why Aria decided to be a supervillain.

It wasn’t so much a decision that she made, but a decision that was made for her. Aria Blaze was born with a low tolerance for authority and a very peculiar body. When she met Adagio, she was almost happy to find someone just as strange as she was. Truth be told, it was one of the only reasons that Aria stood there, in her domino mask and skin-tight purple bodysuit, with no weapon, in a recently-robbed bank, with a superhero on her way.

After playing it over in her head, Aria started to regret her decisions.

“Stay right where you are, Ass Master!”

Aria rolled her eyes, both at the voice and at its insistence on using the stupid villain name. Aria knew better than to say anything about it. All these battles, robberies, and acts of vandalism, and Sunset Shimmer still couldn’t let it go.

The doors flew open, and in ran Captain Kink, Sunset Shimmer. She wore her typical hero outfit: a suit consisting of black leather straps that covered strategic portions of her body, just enough to keep her contained, for the most part.Her fiery hair was tied back into a ponytail, and she held a bronze whip in her right hand and a rope in her left. They both glowed with a dark, reddish glow.

“Could you maybe not call me that in public?” asked Aria. “I seriously don’t get how you heroes get anything done when you call us by such stupid goddamn names. I’d be too busy laughing to actually fight.”

“Where’s Hip-No-Tits?” demanded Sunset. Aria buried her face in her palms.

“See, that’s exactly what I’m talking about,” said Aria. “How am I supposed to take you seriously when you just asked about someone named Hip-No-Tits? You sound like a horny frat boy.”

“I take it you’re not gonna give her up easy?”

“Listen, sister, if I knew where she was, I’d be kicking her ass myself.” Aria focused her power, feeling the weight shift from her rather large butt to her fists. “Left me to deal with you by myself. You doms would get right along, I bet.”

“Probably not. I’d make her submit, and she wouldn’t like that.” Sunset draped the rope around the back of her neck, stretching her whip out threateningly. “Now, we can do things the easy way or the fun way.” She cracked her whip, sending an angry snap through the room. “Get on your knees.”

“Yeah, no,” said Aria. She raised her fists, which each had grown to be about the size, weight, and density of a bowling ball. “You can kiss my ass.”

Sunset grinned, licking her lips in anticipation.

“So you’re picking the fun way?” asked Sunset, a crazed, devious glint in her eye. “Perfect.”

Aria had no more warning before the fight had started. Sunset swung her whip viciously into the side of Aria’s face, draining a bit of energy from the villain. Aria clutched the spot where Sunset had struck her, massaging it gingerly. Had Sunset struck a normal human that hard, she'd have split their skin. Luckily, Aria was far from a normal human. What she actually was, she had no clue. All she knew is that she was stronger, tougher, and faster than almost anyone she'd ever met.

She also had a bigger butt, though Aria didn’t realize that was relevant until she met Adagio.

“Look, Shimmer, I'm really not in the mood for this,” said Aria. “And, y’know, you don't want me anyway, so how about I get out of your way, you go chase Dag, and we can just—”

Sunset whipped Aria in the legs, sapping even more energy from her. Sunset’s expression went from confidence to the type of look you'd expect to see from a predator hunting prey.

“Submit, Ass Master, or else I'm going to have to punish you.” Sunset licked her lips, her body surrounded by a faint reddish glow. “And you won't like that at all. So I say again; Get. On. Your. Knees.”

Aria’s options were rather limited. She couldn't exactly beat Sunset, not by herself. And, after two whips from Captain Kink’s dreaded Bronze Draining Switch of Might, she was at an even larger disadvantage. So, Aria did the only thing she could think to do.

She turned and ran, hoping to get away through the backdoor like Adagio had.

“Oh, no you don't!” Sunset grabbed her rope and tossed it at Aria; it wrapped itself around Aria’s ankles, tripping her to the ground. With a sinister giggle, Sunset slowly began to drag Aria closer.

“Hey, Sunny, hey, hey!” Aria fought to escape, to no avail. “This isn't funny! Lemme go!”

“Your mistress did not give you permission to speak,” hissed Sunset. She pulled Aria until she was right in front of her, gently-but-firmly pressing her foot against Aria’s crotch.

“This wouldn't happen to be one of those 24/7, BDSM pornos, would it?” asked Aria, still trying and failing to escape Sunset’s rope. “Because my safety word is ‘grapefruit’, just FYI.” Sunset let the tip of her whip fall, cracking it just to the right of Aria’s face. “Grapefruit! Grapefruit!”

“I could whip you raw, Ass Master, but I have a much better idea,” said Sunset. She dragged Aria to her feet, letting her rope tie her arms to her side.

“Look, it's not my you want,” said Aria, struggling to escape the rope. “You want Dag, not me.”

“Oh, I know exactly who I want, Ass Master,” said Sunset, caressing Aria’s face with her free hand. “And, unless you want that punishment we talked about, you're going to help me get her.”

In the present…

“You ready, A.M.?” asked Sunset, staring down at her city from atop her favorite vantage building.

“Could you lay off with the Ass Master thing?” asked Aria. “It's so damn stupid. Explain to me why I you can't use my name again?”

“You're a hero now, kid. If you let people know your secret identity, you'd be putting everyone you care about at risk.”

“Newsflash, doofus, I don't have anyone I care about.” Aria stood up, dusting the gravel off of her butt (due to its size, it took a bit longer than average). “Never have.”

“You will. And, when you do, you'll be glad that Hypergao gave you that name,” said Sunset.

“Who the hell is Hypergao?”

“You'll meet her soon. Just waiting for the call from base…”

From Aria’s position, she could faintly hear the buzz of Sunset’s earpiece. Sunset put a finger to her ear, listening intently.

“Yeah. You guys ready?” she asked. “Uh-huh. Well, tell them to push it back an hour. Can't have them meeting the newbie right after a session. Alright. We'll be there in five. Yup. Kink out.”

“I swear, these names are gonna kill me,” sighed Aria. “So, let's go see your hero friends.”

“Try not to rub them the wrong way. They're a bit nervous that I'm recruiting a villain to S.E.X.Y.”

“Well, technically, I was more of a henchman than a—” Aria stopped herself, just now hearing what it was that Sunset had said. “I'm sorry, what's your team called?”

“We are S.E.X.Y.” explained Sunset. “The Squad of Enhanced Xenic Youths.”

“Xenic? Is that what you call people like us?”

“Mh-hm. Now isn't the time for explanations, though. We should get to HQ.”

Sunset grabbed her rope from her belt, tossing one end to the ground while the other wrapped itself around the ledge of the building. She grabbed the rope and slid down, landing on the ground with ease. Aria followed in her example, though she suspected with a touch more rope burn.

The two shed their costumes with the help of a watch that they both wore, which opened up and sucked the costume right off of their bodies in a matter of seconds (Sunset claimed that it was a gift from someone called The Fapper. Aria decided to not ask any questions, and also wash her hands at every available opportunity.

Following Sunset, Aria strolled down the streets of Canterlot City, seeing it from a new perspective. Before, she was a criminal who saw only people to victimize, things to break, cash to steal. Now that she was a hero…

She still felt largely the same, but knew that any attempts to do anything but protect the city would end with twenty lashes across the back.

Aria was bemused when Sunset led her to a run-down, dilapidated porn shop. She thought it must've been a prank, which was why she stood there for a moment as Sunset unlocked the door and went inside

“You're joking,” said Aria, staring at the name on the sign of the establishment. “That's a bit on the nose, don't you think?”

“Welcome to Cumworld, A.M.,” said Sunset. “Come on in.”

With a disappointed shake of the head, Aria stepped into the shop. As she expected, there were rows upon rows of dirty magazines, DVDs, VHS tapes (for when your perversion is matched only by your nostalgia) and novels. There were pin-ups on the walls, some of the models Aria recognized, some which she didn't, and some which didn't actually exist (like the purple-haired anime girl that was depicted as winking while saying “I'm watching you fap”.)

“Seriously, though, S.E.X.Y? Cumworld? Ass Master and Captain Kink?” scoffed Aria. “This is a bit much.”

“Over here,” said Sunset, ignoring the younger hero’s concerns. She stood at a wall of sex toys near the back. Aria sighed, but crossed the perversion palace and stood next to Sunset. Sunset grabbed a nearby purple dildo that sat proudly on the self and turned it twice clockwise, three times counter-clockwise, and another time clockwise.

The wall of sex toys pushed back, letting out a hiss of compressed air. Sunset pulled it to the left like a sliding door, revealing a ladder the led down into the depths of the earth. Without another word to Aria, Sunset descended down the ladder.

When Aria made it to the bottom of the ladder, she had to run to catch up to Sunset, who was already halfway down a long, dark corridor. At the end of the hall was a large steel door with no handle or knob. To the left was a panel of some sort, one that Aria thought might have been for fingerprints.

“Fapper went into one of his fits of paranoia, so we bumped up our security,” said Sunset. “It used to be just fingerprints, but now…”

Sunset reached her hand into her pants, much to Aria’s shock and confusion.

“So… Do locked doors do it for you?” asked Aria. “I mean, I assumed it was the BDSM thing, but a door fetish wouldn't be the weirdest thing I've ever heard.”

“Shut up. The sensor n-needs a confirmation that's hard to force or replicate,” said Sunset, a bit shakily. She withdrew her hand, her index finger glistening and moist, then pressed her finger against the scanner. The door began to hum, then thunk as the locks slid out of place.

“So… It needs girlcum?” asked Aria.

“Mh-hm. It's technically any form of sexual excretion,” said Sunset. “Which reminds me, The Fapper is gonna need a sample.”

“I'm not letting anyone who calls themselves ‘The Fapper’ go south of the border,” said Aria.

“I won't need to. Just need you to get it yourself.” Aria jumped at the voice, which seemed to come from nowhere. Upon further inspection, Aria noticed what appeared to be intercom speakers in the wall.

“Open the door,” said Sunset. “And stop freaking out the newbie.”

“Sorry, Captain,” said the intercom voice. There was a deep buzz, and the door slid open. Sunset beckoned for Aria and stepped through the door.

It was a large room, large enough to fit three Cumworlds, with a bit of space leftover. In the middle was a round table which had a map of Canterlot City on the surface. Near the back was a row of computers that looked so sophisticated, Aria started to wonder if she had somehow stepped into the future. The man working at the computers either didn't notice or didn't care that Aria had walked in. Off to the right was a door that, from what Aria could tell, led to the sleeping quarters. There was another door to the left, which had a large sign reading “KEEP OUT”. Finally, there was a small kitchen area near the front of the room.

“Mama's home,” said Sunset loudly. “Come on, kids. Come meet your new sister.”

The man at the computers spun in his chair, wheeling himself over. He was a smaller guy, shorter and thinner than Aria, with spiky green hair and piercing emerald eyes, over one of which was some sort of high-tech specs. He moved his fingers through the air as if typing on an invisible keyboard, keeping quiet until he was finished with whatever he was doing.

“Hey, nice to meet you,” he said. “The name’s Spike, but people call me The Fapper.” He moved his 22nd century monocle to his forehead so he could see more clearly. “I'm the planner, designer, and engineer around here. I'll be the one you come to if you want new weapons or armor or anything. What exactly is your gift, out of curiosity?”

“I have a big ass,” said Aria.

“I noticed. I've been studying it.”

“Creepy. Anyway, I can shift the mass from my butt to anywhere else in my body.” Aria grew out her fists to demonstrate. “So, if I want to punch anyone with the twenty pounds that normally are in my ass, I can.”

“Hm… have you considered putting on some weight?” asked Spike. “The fatter your ass, the more weight you have to work with.”

“Not sure I'm comfortable discussing my ass strategy with a dude I just met,” said Aria, returning her fists to normal. “Especially a dude called The Fapper. I feel like you're just making material for the spank bank.”

“Fair enough.”

“You got a lock on Hip-No-Tits?” asked Sunset.

“I got my babies working overtime running the algorithm that'll help us find her,” said Spike, pointing at his supercomputers. “Give them a few.”

The KEEP OUT door opened, and a new hero stepped into the room. She wore a pink and black bodysuit, not entirely unlike the purple one that Aria wore. The differences came in two forms; The metal exoskeleton on the limbs and the metal mask on the face. The mask was what Aria found most interesting. It had blue lights for eyes, and a swarm of tubes near the mouth.

“Hiya, newbie!” she said brightly. “Welcome to the family!”

“Uh… The hell am I looking at exactly?” asked Aria.

“This is Hypergao. Gao, meet the Ass Master,” said Sunset. “Take off the mask, let her see your face.”

Hypergao grabbed her mask, pulling it off with a slight hiss as the air escaped. She blinked her bright blue eyes, grinning wildly. A small pink curl of hair hung from beneath the top of her suit, dancing between her eyes.

“I'm Pinkie Pie,” said Hypergao. She grabbed the empty air next to her. “And this is my little cutie. We call her Hymen.”

“Um… She's imaginary?” asked Aria. Pinkie looked to her side, apparently surprised that nothing was there.

“Whoops! Sorry, she's kinda shy.” Pinkie poked at the air, getting no response. Her hand went a bit lower, squeezing at nothing.

Slowly, the air next to Pinkie started to shimmer. A woman faded into view, a bit taller and thinner than Pinkie. Her face was blushing bright red, and she seemed determined not to look at anyone. Aria could tell why; Pinkie had been squeezing her butt.

“H-hi. I'm Hymen. Or Fluttershy. I don't mind what you call me,” she said quietly. “Pinkie, you can stop now.”

“But you might disappear again!”

“I promise I'll stay right here,” said Fluttershy. Pinkie’s hand squeezed tighter, a crazed grin spreading across her face.

“But, Flutters… Therapy got pushed back!” complained Pinkie. “I'm dying over here!”

“Pinkie… You're getting excited…”

Pinkie’s exoskeleton whirred to life, dragging Pinkie’s hand away from Fluttershy. Pinkie sighed, put her mask back on, and took a deep breath. The eyes on the mask glowed red, and there was a hiss as it released some sort of gas. When the eyes turned back to blue, Pinkie removed the mask.

“Aaaaaaand, I'm good,” she said.

“You are a bunch of freaks,” said Aria, shaking her head. “What the hell is that all about? Why the suit?”

“Pinkie has a disorder,” said Spike. “Called sexual hypersensitivity. Most things that touch her make her feel extremely intense sexual pleasure. If I shook her hand without that glove in her, she'd cum immediately. For, like, twenty minutes.”

“Thirty-two,” sighed Fluttershy. “She's getting worse.”

“Why not let her get it out of her system?”

“Doesn’t work like that,” said Spike. “She doesn’t get tired. She doesn’t need a cooldown. She can just keep going and going. Plus… That’ll cause issues down the line.”

“When Pinkie gets frisky… Well, she gets out of control,” said Sunset. She glanced over at Pinkie, who was slowly putting her mask back on. “And that’s all we’re gonna say about it for now. Shy, go get Pinkie ready for therapy. Spike, get to work on finding Hip-No-Tits. Ass Master—”

“How come they get their real names and I’m still Ass Master?” asked Aria, rolling her eyes.

“You and I are going on patrol. In this city, there’s always some sort of evil to vanquish.”

“You’re taking this very seriously.”

Before Sunset could retort, a loud, screeching siren split the air. The map-table began flashing, with an area of the city blinking red. Fluttershy grabbed Pinkie’s hand, then vanished, leading her back through the door that they emerged from. Spike put his eyepiece back in position, then wheeled himself over to his computers.

“Is it Dag?” asked Aria.

“No. Someone new,” said Spike. “Robbery at Canterlot Central Bank. And La Princessa Espumunda.”

“That’s uptown,” said Sunset. “It’s a team?”

“I need to invest in iGlass for you guys, it’ll make briefing go easier,” said Spike with a shake of the head. “We got a villain from Cloudsdale, calls herself The Streaker. Real name is Rainbow Dash. Super speed, but only while naked.”

“How does that even work?” asked Aria.

“Xenic gifts are mysterious. No one knows much about them,” said Sunset. She tapped her watch, and her costume forced itself onto her body. “Spike, you coming?”

“Need to charge up Bad Dragon. I’ll catch up,” he said. He jumped out of his chair and ran out of the room.

“Well, that means it’s just you and me, A.M.,” said Sunset. “Ready to go?” Aria sighed, activated her costume, and cracked her knuckles menacingly.

“Yeah, why not?” said Aria. “Let’s give this hero thing a try.”

Author's Note

S.E.X.Y. OFFICIAL TRADING CARDS

01

The Ass Master

Real Name: Aria Blaze
Age: 19
Height: 5'4"
Weight: 146 lbs
Power: Manipulation and redistribution of body mass
Affiliations: The Hip-No-Tits (Former), S.E.X.Y.

Strength: 7/10
Speed: 5/10
Stamina: 6/10
Endurance: 8/10
Intelligence: 4/10

Aria Blaze was a simple street thug, using her flexible body mass and large posterior to beat down her victims. Adagio Dazzle, childhood friend and notorious supervillain The Hip-No-Tits, recruited her for her campaign of evil upon discovering Aria's powers. After being left at the mercy of Captain Kink, the Ass Master seeks only justice. Now a member of the superhero team S.E.X.Y., Aria Blaze dedicates every second of her life to bringing down The Hip-No-Tits and putting her behind bars, once and for all

The Streaker

Aria leapt from her current rooftop to the next over, just a few feet behind Sunset. She had always had pretty good stamina, but leaping from building to building was a bit more than her typical workout. She managed to keep pace, but her legs would be very upset with her come morning.

“Lemme ask you something,” said Aria, panting tiredly. “If this Rainbow Dash chick—”

“The Streaker,” said Sunset. Though she was running and jumping faster than Aria, she seemed to have energy to spare. “We’re in the field, so you’ve got to use hero and villain names.”

“Sure, whatever, but hear me out. She’s got super speed, right?”

“When naked, yeah.”

“So how the hell are we supposed to catch her on foot?” asked Aria. “Shouldn’t she be out of here already?”

“Ah, to be a rookie again,” chuckled Sunset. “That’s not how these things work.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that, even though they’re villains and we’re heroes, there’s certain conventions that nobody even thinks about breaking.” Sunset skidded to a stop, pointing down to the street below. “There. I see her.”

Aria stopped just to the left of her new partner. When she had caught her breath, she looked down to where Sunset was pointing. Down, strolling down the street, was a small, thin girl with rainbow hair and an almost comically oversized trench coat. She had a blue duffel bag slung over her shoulder as she calmly and collectedly walked down the street. She seemed to be leaving another jewelry store, though she was in no hurry to get away.

“I don’t get it,” said Aria. “Just drop the coat and she’ll be able to outpace us in an instant.”

“Like I said, not how it works,” said Sunset. “Basic villain etiquette dictates that you have to confront the local heroes on your first act of villainy after you show up in a new town. If she manages to escape, all subsequent confrontations are on a basis of whether or not she can outrun or incapacitate us.”

Aria tilted her head in utter perplexity. She was still figuring out this whole superhero thing, and Sunset was making it a touch more difficult whenever she said absurd, nonsensical things like that.

“Wait, hold on, that doesn’t make any sense,” said Aria. “There’s villain etiquette? Since when?”

“Since always. That’s why Hip-No-Tits left you behind at the bank,” said Sunset. “It’d be rude for me to get there and have no one to fight, especially since we’ve been nemeses for so long. But no time to explain. We’ve got to catch her. How are your superhero landings?”

“No, I’m not doing this ‘no time to explain’ crap, you gotta give me something more than that!” Aria threw her hands up in annoyance. “Are you trying to tell me that heroes only ever win because the villains are holding back? How can you be so bad at your jobs? How does anything get done around here?” She shook her head firmly. “Wait, hold up, what’s a superhero landing?”

“Oh, I’ll show you, come here,” said Sunset, approaching the ledge. Aria stepped forward until she was just barely remaining on the building. “You’re a superhero. Land.” Sunset shoved Aria, pushing her clean off the rooftop.

“FUCK!” screamed Aria, dropping through the air “Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck—” She hit the ground, cracking the concrete beneath her. She clutched her ribs, groaning in agony. To her left, she heard the ground crack again as Sunset landed in a crouched position, right hand punching the ground.

“Not bad, rookie,” said Sunset. “You’re still breathing, right?”

“Bite me, asshole,” coughed Aria, slowly working to her feet. “I think you cracked my ribs…”

“Well, walk it off. You’re on the clock.”

The Streaker, who had stopped to observe the heroes’ entrances (Aria correctly assumed this to be another bit of villain etiquette), began walking to join them. She dropped her bag of ill-gotten goods, cracking her knuckles restlessly.

“How’s it going, Captain Kink?” said the Streaker. “And you, Traitor?”

“Traitor? The hell are you talking about?” asked Aria. “How could I betray you if we’ve never met?”

“It’s not me you’ve betrayed. The Boss. She's very unhappy with you, Ass Master. But that's okay. She doesn't need you anymore. She has us now.”

“Us?” asked Sunset, drawing her whip. “How many of you are there?”

“More than you can handle, Cap,” laughed Rainbow. “But who am I kidding? You won't be able to handle me alone. You'll never see the rest of the team.”

“Hey, Flasher or whateverthehell,” said Aria, growing out her fists. “I don't know what Da—” Sunset firmly elbowed her in the side. “I don't know what Hip-No-Tits told you, but she's a liar. I've known her since middle school and she still left me out to dry. You two just met. You think you're irreplaceable? You think you're untouchable?”

“You have to catch me to touch me, and you'll never do it,” said the Rainbow. She unbuttoned her coat and dropped it to the ground, revealing her small, lean, pert body in all its naked glory. “Now that we've done our back and forth, I'd really like to kick your ass. Maybe the Boss will put out if I bring her the Traitor.”

“Is that just my name now?” asked Aria. “The Traitor?”

“Better or worse than ‘The Ass Master’?” asked Sunset.

“Definitely better, but Hyper-whatever left a lot of room for improvement on that one.”

“You guys done?” asked Rainbow. “Cause it's kinda chilly out, and I'd like to get some clothes on before I get a cold.”

“I'm going to give you one chance, Streaker,” said Sunset, letting her whip hit the ground. “Give up now, and we won't harm you. But, if you resist, I'll be forced to punish you.” Sunset licked her lips, which Aria still found to be a terrifyingly creepy thing to do. “So get on your knees.”

Rainbow grinned, then ran forward with blinding speed. She was on top of Aria before she could even blink. She punched the Ass Master stiffly in the jaw, tossing her back a considerable amount. She ran behind Sunset, sweeping her legs from under her and striking her once, twice, three times in the chest on the way down. She grabbed Sunset by her costume and tossed her down the street, smashing her head against a brick wall. Then, she turned her attention to Aria.

“I can't believe you left the Boss for her,” said Dash, moving slowly forward. “I mean, Captain Kink doesn't even come close to the Boss. Have you seen her body? Those legs, that figure, those spellbinding, mystifying, brain-melting hips! How do you go from that to some wannabe dominatrix with a cheap whip and some rope from Home Depot?”

Aria finally started piecing it all together. Why Dash trusted Adagio so quickly, why she was so devoted to the Hip-No-Tits. This wasn’t about jewels or money. It was about Adagio’s hips.

“You're not teaming with Dag,” said Aria, rubbing her jaw. “You're under her control. She used her hips on you.”

“I'm not complaining. She's got a killer bod. If I get to keep looking at her, I say she can use her powers as much as she wants on me.”

Dash zipped over to Aria, catching her in the side of the head with another stiff hook. She ducked under a slow, clumsy punch from one of Aria’s massive fists, then brought her knee up and into Aria’s gut. She darted behind Aria, pushing her forward. As Aria stumbled, the Streaker zipped to her front, punching her directly in the nose. Aria fell back, tripping over Dash (who had almost instantly made her way behind Aria, dropping to all fours).

“Is this really the best you heroes can do?” asked Dash, placing her hands on her hips. “If I knew it'd be this easy, I'd have come over to Canterlot City ages ago.” She grabbed Aria by the collar, slapping her playfully across the face. “This is gonna sting, Traitor. Maybe this'll teach you not to bite the hand that feeds you.” Aria closed her eyes, not at all wanting to watch the super-fast fist rush towards her face

Instead of fist on face, there was a metallic clunking, followed by anguished screams, and a whole bunch of swearing.

“Fuck! Motherfucking son of a bitch!”

Aria opened her eyes to see something in between her and the villain. It stood a bit taller than she did, and it was made entirely out of metal. It was deep violet, with green frills and spikes going from the head, down the spine and along a tail. Its elbows has similar spikes, and its hands ended in razor sharp claws. It turned to look at Aria, it's head that of a ferocious dragon with bright green lights for eyes.

“Sorry I'm late,” said Spike. “Had to charge up the suit, and it was a good vid, so I decided to overcharge just a bit.”

“Video?” asked Aria. “Also, could you play that a little closer to the chest next time? I almost had a little hope to survive that time.”

“Bad Dragon is fueled by the energy released while masturbating,” explained Spike. “You think I called myself the Fapper to be popular with the ladies?” He turned to Rainbow, who was still swearing and clutching her hand in agony. “Hey. Mind if I get some pictures? Y’know, for research.”

“Fuck, that hurt…” Rainbow shook the pain out of her hand, glaring at Spike. “And do you really think I'd let someone called The Fapper take nude pictures of me?”

“Swing and a miss. Aw, well, can't fault me for trying.” He raised his palm, aiming it menacingly at the villain before him. “If the pics are a no-go, could you at least stop kicking the everliving shit out of my friends?”

“Fapper!” Sunset finally fought to her feet. “Lock down the block!”

“Aye-aye, Captain!” Spike raised his fists above his head, a panel opening at his wrist. He fired a small orb into the sky, the projectile rocketing through the sky. It paused above the rooftops, and began glowing bright blue. A deep, indigo dome descended down, encapsulating the area which the Xenics occupied, as well as half a block in either direction.

“What's this?” asked Dash, pointing to the dome.

“Fap-Trap. Six inches of thick, rigid, super-condensed static electricity,” explained Spike. “Just try running through that.”

“No, no, there's no way,” groaned Aria. “It is not called the Fap-Trap!”

“Yeah, you're right. That's just my nickname for them. They're technically called Blue Balls.”

Aria opened her mouth in protest, then closed it when she realized she would probably only make it worse.

“Whatever. Even if I'm trapped in here with you three, I'm still the fastest thing alive!” said Dash. “How are you gonna beat something you can't catch?”

“Your powers only work while naked,” said Sunset.

“Yeah, so?”

“Fapper?”

Spike tapped his wrist, a blaster of some kind popping from the depths of the suit. He pointed at Dash and fired twice. Two pink, heart-shaped pasties flew from Spike’s arm cannon, sticking themselves over Dash’s nipples.

“Not naked anymore,” said Sunset, smiling with sick satisfaction as Dash’s face fell into despair. She quickly grabbed at the pasties, but she wasn't quick enough; Aria ran forward and, directing all of her extra mass into her right hand, punched the Streaker as hard as she could. Dash went flying through the air, skidding to a stop several yards away.

“Nice punch,” said Spike. “You've got good form.”

“Thanks. Kinda got my ass kicked for a few at first.” Aria returned her body to her normal proportions. “So what now?”

“Now, we drop her off at the police station,” said Spike. “They’ll take her to a max security place in the west and she’ll be out of our hair for at least a while.”

“You two head back to Cumworld,” said Sunset. “I need to interrogate Streaker before I turn her in. Ass Master, get to know the others. Fapper, show her around, get her a room. If Hip-No-Tits shows up, let me know. Do not go after her yourself. A.M., I’m looking at you.”

“Um, just in case you forgot, I’m the one who beat the bad guy!” complained Aria. “Would it kill you to trust me a little?”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s that I know you.” Sunset tossed her rope over Rainbow, letting it hogtie her for easy transport. “Just take it easy, alright?”

“Want a ride?” asked Spike. “Hop on my back, I’ll get us there in a jiffy.”

“If you drop me, I’m gonna be pissed,” said Aria. She grabbed Spike’s shoulders, pushed herself up, and wrapped her legs around his middle. “This good?”

“Yeah, hold on tight.” Spike held his arms down at his side, his palms facing down. There was a low hum, and the two rose slowly into the air.

“Hey, Ass Master,” said Sunset. Aria looked over to her new partner. “Good job out there.”

Despite the soreness from her fight with Rainbow and the use of that nickname she hated so much, Aria cracked a grin. She was starting to enjoy her time with S.E.X.Y.

“Thanks. Maybe this hero thing isn’t so bad.”

Author's Note

S.E.X.Y. OFFICIAL TRADING CARDS

02

The Streaker

Real Name: Rainbow Dash
Age: 22
Height: 5'
Weight: 120 lbs
Power: Superspeed when completely nude
Affiliations: The Hip-No-Tits

Strength: 5/10
Speed: 9/10
Stamina: 8/10
Endurance: 8/10
Intelligence: 4/10

Rainbow Dash had always been the fastest girl on the playground, but her life would change forever when a childhood accident rendered her nude in the middle of her sixth-grade history class. It was then that Rainbow discovered that her body was especially receptive to Speedster Molecules. This normally insubstantial background radiation had a peculiar effect on Rainbow: it increased her movement speed a hundred-fold for as long as her entire body was exposed to the Speedster Molecules. Armed with this new knowledge, Rainbow became The Streaker, and pursued a life of petty theft and vandalism, until The Hip-No-Tits took her under her control. Now, The Streaker serves her mistress to her dying breath, with hopes that The Hip-No-Tits rewards her for her good work.

Hip-No-Tits & The Titty Titan

Aria strolled through the tunnel beneath Cumworld, keeping pace with Spike. She wasn't exactly sure how the Bad Dragon armor worked, but Spike seemed able to move like normal, despite carrying what had to be hundreds of pounds of metal armor.

“Cap wasn't just being nice back there,” said Spike. “You did good for your first fight with a villain.”

“I got my ass kicked and threw one punch,” said Aria. “I don't know how anyone can consider that ‘good’.”

“Well, you're alive. That's something to be proud of.” They reached the door, at which point Spike put a hand to his chest. Bad Dragon’s back raised to allow him to step out. He pressed his finger against the sensor (Aria shuddered in disgust), then hopped back in his suit when the door started the process of unlocking.

“Did you really have to pick the most disgusting possible method of unlocking the door?” asked Aria. “I don't want to have to diddle myself every time I wanna get in.”

“If you think this is bad, you should've seen the prototype,” said Spike. “Where there's a sensor now, there used to be an eight-inch dildo. Before I had the process streamlined, you had to ride it for like a minute and a half.”

“What made you change it?”

“Because I needed to get in, too.”

“Ouch.”

“Damn right, ouch. Was walking funny for weeks.”

The door slid open and, with an ungodly image in her brain, Aria stepped into the S.E.X.Y HQ.

Pinkie was pacing back and forth, clutching her head as she did. Fluttershy was quietly working in the kitchen, pouring tea for her and her partner. She used her free hand to hold an ice pack to her eye. When she removed it, Aria caught a glimpse of the bruised, blackened eye.

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…” said Pinkie.

“Pinkie, it's okay,” hummed Fluttershy. “Honest, it's fine. Don't worry about it.”

“The hell happened to you?” asked Aria. Fluttershy squeaked in surprise, vanishing from sight. After a few seconds, she faded back into view.

“You startled me…” she said quietly.

“Seriously, you didn't have that shiner when we left,” said Aria. “Who knocked your lights out?”

“Aria, shut up,” whispered Spike.

“What?”

“I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry.” It was unclear if Pinkie was intentionally speaking aloud or if her thoughts were just leaking out. She looked up, eyes stopping on Fluttershy’s bruise. “I'm… I'm gonna go have some alone time. See you later.”

“I'll be right behind you,” said Fluttershy. Pinkie shook her head.

“Not this time, Flutters. I mean alone.”

Before Fluttershy could stop her, Pinkie had slipped through the door labeled KEEP OUT, locking the door behind her.

“What's her deal?” asked Aria. “What happened to you?”

“It's… complicated,” sighed Fluttershy.

“We’ve been trying to find a way to cure Pinkie for ages now,” said Spike. “And, so far, nothing has worked. We're getting desperate, so now we're trying exposure therapy.”

“So you are trying to get it out of her system,” said Aria.

“Like I said, it doesn't work like that. It's not like letting a kid eat as much ice cream as he wants so that he doesn't want it anymore.” Spike stepped out of his suit, then flipped something inside of it; Bad Dragon started to walk itself into the sleeping quarters.

“It's more like… A kid who's afraid of dogs, but their parents own a pound,” said Fluttershy. “We'll never get her to ignore the sensations. We're just trying to get her used to it so that she can live a normal life.”

“So you go in there and what? Poke her with a stick?” asked Aria.

“Sometimes. But she responds better when I personally touch her,” said Fluttershy. “And, normally, my barriers hold up and she couldn't hurt me if she tried.”

“Fluttershy’s a special kind of Xenic,” said Spike, catching Aria’s question before she asked it. “She has a bunch of powers, most of which she hasn't even found out how to use. Two she does know how to use are invisibility, which you've seen, and her barriers. Impenetrable shields of energy. She's effectively untouchable, which is why she's the one to deal with Pinkie.”

“That and she's… you know…” Fluttershy bloomed bright red. “But my powers go away if I ever have thoughts about… Well, I have to keep a clear head. Let's say it like that.”

“You're normally really good about it,” said Spike. “You hang around Sunny, and her costume leaves very little to the imagination. Your barriers don't normally falter. So what changed?”

“I'm not sure. Normally, my concentration is fine, and I just don't think about it.” Fluttershy sat herself on the counter, taking a sip of her tea. “But I guess it's just one of those days. Hearing her… in that state. I lowered my guard and got hurt. I wish she'd see that it's my fault…”

“She punched you because she was too hot and bothered?” asked Aria. “Some girlfriend. She needs some self-control.”

Before Spike could say anything to diffuse the situation, Fluttershy vanished. She appeared a few moments later, a mere few inches from Aria. Aria didn't like how suddenly intimidating Fluttershy was. She had to look up slightly to make eye contact with Hymen, and, when she did, there was a fiery determination in her eye.

“Pinkie is the best girlfriend anyone could ask for,” said Fluttershy. “She hurt me, but it was an accident. Don't talk about her like that. Not without understanding everything she goes through.”

“Uh… My bad?” said Aria. “I didn't mean…”

“Of course, you didn't. And I forgive you.” Fluttershy walked back over to her countertop, sipping her tea. “Now you know not to do it again.”

“Apparently, I got a lot of shit to learn,” grumbled Aria. She noticed that Spike had gone silent. She knew he was behind her, and she had a nagging suspicion as to why. “Spike, I swear to God, I will punch you in the face if you're staring at my ass.”

“Okay, okay, hear me out.”

“I'm getting my fist ready as we speak.”

“I was staring at your ass, but not to be a creep,” said Spike. He came around to face Aria, wearing his iGlass and drawing through the air. “I'm trying to design you a new costume.”

“Uh-huh. And why should I take your word for that?”

“Because I honestly don't need to stare at your ass. I've got plenty of pictures already. When you were a villain, it took like five minutes for you to get into your suit.” Spike grinned mischievously. “That's plenty of time to get some great pics.”

“Alrighty, then. I won't punch you in the face,” said Aria, shifting her mass to her right hand. “I'm gonna punch you somewhere else.”

“Listen, A.M., I've been perving on girls for years,” said Spike with a yawn. “I've been kicked in the junk so many times, I honestly don't even feel it anymore.”

The crime alarm blared, lighting up the section of the map that displayed the Lower East Side of Canterlot City. Spike swiped through the air, flipping through invisible documents.

“Crime alert for general villainy,” said Spike. “That's not a robbery, kidnapping, or murder. It's just a villain, hanging around being evil.”

“You have a crime alert for that?” asked Aria.

“Duh. That's how we catch most of our bad guys.” Spike tapped the side of his iGlass, and Bad Dragon strode back into the room. “Villain is an old friend of yours, and someone I don't have any records on. I'm assuming you wanna scope it out?”

“But gee, golly, gosh, Spike, the Captain told us not to!” said Aria, her tone ingenuinely innocent. She dropped the voice, returning to her normal, flat way of speaking. “Duh. I gotta give that bitch a piece of my mind.”

“Well, can't let you go on your own,” sighed Spike. He stepped into his armor. “Fluttershy, you coming?”

“I… Pinkie…” Fluttershy glanced at her door, which was still locked. She sighed, shaking her head. “Okay. She'll call me if she needs me. I'm ready.”

“Alright, S.E.X.Y,” said Spike. “Let's move out!”

As soon as Aria saw Adagio, she was angry.

Spike had landed Aria a few yards away from the Hip-No-Tits and her new associate. Adagio’s costume had remained largely the same since Aria last saw her: a dark orange bra (decorated with beads and sequins) and thong, her legs covered by a sheer belly-dancer skirt. The only change that Aria noticed was in the addition of several beads hanging from Adagio’s wide, sensual hips. That said, it's very possible that Aria missed something, because she was hardly focused on Adagio. Most of her attention and rage was devoted to Adagio’s associate.

She stood, drifting dreamily in whatever fantasy land she resided in. Her long, two-tone blue hair was tied up in a ponytail. She wore heels which boosted her up enough that the natural trail of the eyes would fall onto her massive breasts, barely contained by her bodysuit, which hugged her body and accentuated and further emphasized her generous (bordering on excessive) rack.

Immediately, Aria subconsciously covered her chest with her arm.

“Ah, my traitorous protégé,” said Adagio, resting a hand on her hip. “And, of course, The Fapper is right by your side. Appropriate.”

“You replaced me?!” demanded Aria. “You leave me in the hands of Kink, then you just forget about me and replace me?! With this cow?! What the hell, Dag!”

“Don't think of her as a replacement,” said Adagio with a sly grin. “Think of her as an upgrade.”

“Hi, guys!” said the new villain brightly. “I'm Sonata, and it's totes awesome to meet you!”

“No, you idiot! It's not awesome to meet them! They're the heroes!” Adagio slapped Sonata in the back of the head. “And don't tell them your real name! Use the one I gave you!”

“Oh. Sorry. Can I try again?”

“For the love of all things holy…” groaned Adagio, massaging her temples. “Look, it's her first meeting with superheroes, and she's not that bright to start with. Would you mind terribly if she had a do-over? You can just start back at the end of your tirade.”

“Are you serious right now?” asked Aria. Spike elbowed her gently (which, on account of his currently metal elbow, still kinda hurt).

“Let's not be rude, Ass Master,” said Spike. A little more quietly, he added, “Plus, I'm nervous about Hitomi J-Cup over there. Need to do research. Kill some time.”

“Ugh. Fine,” said Aria. She thought back to what she had said earlier. “You just forgot about me and replaced me, with this cow, what the hell Dag.”

“Don't think of her as a replacement,” said Adagio, with all the villainy smarminess of the first rendition. “Think of her as an upgrade.”

“Hi, guys!” said Sonata. “I'm the Titty Titan, and it's totes not awesome to meet you!” She turned to her partner, grinning ear to ear. “Did I do it good that time?”

“That's a bit better, I suppose,” mumbled Adagio. “It's not like I'm going to yell at you twice in a row. It's fine.”

“Yay!”

“What the hell is even happening right now?” demanded Aria. “I was told there would be general villainy and so far all I've seen is Madame Thigh-Gap and Boobs-For-Brains loiter.”

“Loitering is a crime,” noted Spike.

“And I downloaded, like, thirty movies last night without paying for them,” said Sonata. “So that makes me a soft square pilot!”

“She means software pirate,” groaned Adagio.

“Piracy does not count as villainy. It's a victimless crime,” said Aria. “Like punching someone in the dark.”

“I have several problems with that logic,” said Spike.

“My point is, I'm bored.” Aria prepped her fists for combat. “So can you assholes please do something evil so I can justifiably punch your teeth down your throats?”

“Titan, show them what you've got,” said Adagio. Sonata reached into her suit’s pocket and pulled out miscellaneous junk and debris.

“I've got two dollars and twelve cents,” said Sonata, counting her change. “And a stick of gum, three scrunchies, and a BOGO coupon for Carlos’ Tacos. Ooh, we should deffs get some tacos later! Ass Master, Fapper, you guys wanna come with?”

“For the last time, they are the enemy!” shouted Adagio. “And we don't invite the enemy out to lunch!”

“Sorry, Dagi. I forgot.”

“Just… Just pull out your tits.”

“Okie-doke.” Sonata slowly unzipped her suit, opening it just enough to let her breasts pop out.

“Hey, Titty Titan,” said Spike. “Mind standing still for a moment?”

“Sure thing!”

Spike stepped out of Bad Dragon, clutching a very expensive-looking digital camera. He snapped a few dozen wonderfully high-quality images before returning to his armor, presumably to upload the images to his database.

“Score. Thanks,” said Spike.

“He's going to beat off to those, isn't he?” sighed Adagio.

“Probably, yeah,” said Aria. “Don't know what you expected from a dude named The Fapper.”

“I don’t really get why you told her to do that in the first place,” said Spike. “What did you think I'd do?”

“Fair enough. Now, if you don't mind... Titan, Boob Blast,” ordered Adagio.

“Okie-dokey!” Sonata grabbed her breasts, squeezing them together. A ball of dark blue light formed just beyond her cleavage, growing larger with time. Sonata let go, and the blue orb rocketed forward, faster than either Aria or Spike could react to.

The blast connected with nothing, a few feet from Aria and Spike, then exploded into black smoke. Aria stared at the explosion, wondering what had saved her. As the smoke dissipated, Aria noticed a wall of shimmering pale-pink light in front of them that definitely wasn't there five minutes ago. Spike let out a relieved sigh, tapping his wrists and drawing a laser cannon on each arm.

“Thanks for the save, Hymen,” said Spike. “Wasn't expecting that.”

A bit to Aria’s left, the air began to shimmer. Fluttershy faded into reality, wearing her not-very-superhero-y costume of jeans and a hoodie.

“No need to thank me,” said Fluttershy softly. “Happy to help.”

“Your concentration is crazy,” said Aria. “How are you staring at those chestbeefers and not thinking any dirty thoughts?”

Fluttershy blinked, her face blushing faintly pink. Slowly, her barrier faded away into nothing.

“Well, I am now…”

“Well, that's not great. Hymen’s not the best for fights,” sighed Spike. “H, you want a Cumshot?”

Adagio, Aria, Fluttershy and Sonata all turned to look at Spike curiously.

“I beg your fucking pardon?” said Aria.

“He's so forward…” said Adagio, a touch of admiration in her voice.

“I'm sorry, but… I don’t think I could ever look at you that way…” said Fluttershy, her blush intensifying. “Also, I'm kind of, sort of, a little bit gay…”

“Me next, me next!” cheered Sonata.

“Geez, I really need to talk with Hypergao about these names…” said Spike. He tapped his arm and a panel slid open, popping out what appeared to be a small laser gun. “This is a Cumshot. Just shoot if you feel threatened.”

“I always feel threatened, at least a little bit,” said Fluttershy, taking the blaster.

“Then you're gonna love the Cumshot.”

“Can we please just fight them now?” asked Aria. “Because I'm starting to imagine you two in some unsavory situations that make me wanna bleach my eyes.”

“Aria and I don't very often see eye to eye,” said Adagio. “But I want nothing more than to stop talking about some creepy man relieving his stress on some poor girl’s face.”

“I appreciate you calling me a man,” said Spike. “Normally I get boy, pig, or a restraining order. Sometimes a combination of the three.”

“Got a plan, Fapper?” asked Aria.

“Well, whenever the Captain isn't around, I'm sort of the interim leader. Plus, I probably have a higher IQ than the rest of you combined.”

“In fairness, that's not saying much,” said Adagio. “I'm pretty sure I'm the only other one here who's smarter than a sack of puppies.”

“Ooh, there are puppies?!” asked Sonata brightly. “Where?!”

“See?”

“The point is, yes, I do have a plan,” said Spike. “I'll take Titty Titan. You go handle Hip-No-Tits. Hymen, cover her, try to get your powers working. Don't think about the massive honkers. Think about… Actually, I don't know what can top those.”

“What's the most un-sexy thing you can think of?” asked Aria.

“Cargo shorts,” said Fluttershy.

“Well, then, think of cargo shorts. Wait, cargo shorts? Why cargo shorts?”

“They're so tacky. Unless you're the Crocodile Hunter or an employee at Jurassic Park, you probably shouldn't wear them.”

“Fine. Think about cargo shorts,” said Aria. “And let’s kick some ass!”

Spike zipped over, firing green beams of energy at the Titty Titan. Despite her blank, mindless demeanor, she reacted rather quickly to Spike’s attacks, squeezing her breasts and firing jets of light of her own. Aria couldn’t focus on them for too long, because she had her own battles to deal with.

“Be careful, Aria. I’d hate to have to hurt you,” said Adagio. “After losing so spectacularly to The Streaker, I’m sure you’re in no mood to repeat the experience.”

“Bite me,” said Aria. She leapt forward, swinging savagely at Adagio’s head, just barely missing her face. Adagio leaned back, using her natural flexibility to escape attack. She twirled and dodged, creating much-needed separation between her and her former protégé. She raised her arms above her head and sensually began gyrating her hips.

“Hymen, look away!” shouted Aria, jumping in front of her to shield her from Adagio’s hypnotic dance. She tried closing her eyes to save herself, but it was too late. She could feel Adagio’s influence tug at her brain. She felt her eyes open themselves, and she was suddenly somewhere very different from where she started. She was floating in a shimmery, orange void. She was surrounded by several Adagio’s, each strolling through the void with ease.

“Why even bother, Aria?” echoed Adagio’s voice. “You know that you’ll never be one of them. You’ll never be a hero. So why even try?”

“Get out of my head!” shouted Aria, her voice fading into nothing almost before the words left her mouth. “I’m done with you!”

“You’ll never be done with me. I’m the reason you’re here!” The Adagio’s vanished, replaced by one impossibly large version of the Hip-No-Tits. “You only know how to use your power because of me!”

“You left me behind! I thought we were supposed to be friends!”

“And that was your mistake. You are not capable of having friends! You are a tool to aid me in reaching my goals! So submit, Aria Blaze,” Adagio’s voice faded to a faint whisper as she scooped Aria up in her massive palm. “You are not meant for heroics. You are not meant for friends. You are meant to do as I tell you. You are meant to obey.” Adagio raised her titanic fist, holding it threateningly over Aria’s head.“You’ll never be a hero, Aria. You’ll never become their friend. You’ll never be one of them! You will never be a hero! You will forever be The Hip-No-Tits’ lackey, the former bad guy. You were born for this, Aria Blaze, and you know it deep in your heart. You’re no hero.” She brought her fist down. “You’re a villain!”

Adagio’s fist never hit Aria, instead colliding with a wall of pink energy that had appeared from nowhere. Aria’s eyes grew wide, instinctively looking to the right. There was no way Fluttershy was there. There was technically no “there” to be. Aria knew this to be in her own head, so she looked to her right with the full understanding that it was impossible for Fluttershy to be there.

“You’re wrong,” said Fluttershy, holding up her barrier. “There might not be good in your heart, but Aria is more than you’ll ever be.”

“How the hell did you get here?!” demanded Aria and Adagio, perfectly synchronized.

“I… I don’t know. I started thinking about cargo shorts, like you said. Then, all of a sudden… I was here. I’ve never done this before.”

“Well, get us out of here!” said Aria. “We can’t beat her here. As long as we’re in my mind, Adagio will be able to beat us.”

“You’re delusional! You need me to be complete! You miss being my partner! You wish for me to take you back!” shouted Adagio, trying and failing to crush the barrier.

“Don’t let her get into your head,” said Fluttershy. “You don’t need her. You have us.”

“I just met you! All I’ve done is diss your girlfriend!” said Aria. “How can you possibly be sticking up for me?”

“Because it’s the right thing to do,” said Fluttershy. “Because we have to show you how to be good, so you can do the right thing, too.” Fluttershy buckled, her barrier failing slightly. “And I know it’s scary and weird and hard to wrap your head around, but we’re here for you if you need us.” Her barrier cracked, dropping her to her knees. “And, right now, I need you.”

“She’s lying! They’ll never accept you!” shouted Adagio, smashing again and again at Fluttershy’s barrier. Her voice started to fade as Aria stood up. “You’ll only ever be safe by my side, Aria. So come back to me. Join the others. Together, we’ll take whatever we want. We will have the whole world in our hands. All you have to do is give yourself back to me…”

“Hymen, drop the shield,” said Aria quietly. “And get ready to move.”

“A-are you sure?” asked Fluttershy. Aria nodded, growing her fists to the maximum possible size.

“Yeah. On my count. Ready?” Aria took a deep breath, bracing herself. “Three! Two! One! Go!”

The barrier dissipated, and Adagio’s fist came crashing down. Aria held her hands up high, catching Adagio’s hand before it could smash them. She strained under the weight, but managed to keep it up.

“Go!” shouted Aria. Fluttershy nodded, then ran as quickly as she could across Adagio’s palm. He ran up her arm, jumping from Adagio’s elbow to her shoulder, then from her shoulder to her face, clinging onto her nose and clamoring up to her eye.

“Get off of me, you pest!” snapped Adagio.

“Sorry for this,” said Fluttershy. She clenched her fist and punched Adagio as hard as she could directly in the eye.

“AH!”

The world snapped back to reality, tossing Aria and Fluttershy back onto the street they had been on to start with. Aria clutched her head tiredly, reeling from Adagio’s power. She looked around, seeing Fluttershy all but passed out to her left, and Adagio just in front of them, rubbing her eye gingerly. Somewhere out of sight, Aria could still hear Spike struggling with Sonata.

“Thanks,” said Aria. “She would’ve put me completely under her control if you weren’t there.”

“N-no… problem…” panted Fluttershy. “Just… happy to help…”

“Titan, fall back!” commanded Adagio. Aria looked over to the scuffle, in which it appeared that Spike was fondling Sonata’s breasts. Aria wondered if there were any combat benefits to that course of action.

“Could you let go for just a sec?” asked Sonata. “I gotta go to my boss!” She grabbed Spike’s hands and forced them to squeeze her breasts together. She fired a jet of energy, impacting Spike and sending him flying back. As soon as she was free, Sonata jumped away and helped Adagio to her feet.

“Cover our exit,” ordered Adagio. Sonata nodded, then fired a jet of energy at the ground, which exploded into a large cloud of smoke. “See you next time, S.E.X.Y!” Aria grabbed the Cumshot from the ground, firing it blindly into the smoke. From what she could tell, the tiny green beams that the gun fired met with nothing. By the time the smoke had cleared, Hip-No-Tits and Titty Titan were gone.

“Damn! We let them get away!” growled Aria. “And that’s two ass-kickings for me!”

“Plus, Captain Kink is going to be pissed when she finds out.”

Spike, Fluttershy, and Ara turned, each set of eyes nervously falling onto the intimidating form of the leader of S.E.X.Y. Sunset Shimmer cracked her whip menacingly, frowning at her team.

“Oh, wait,” snarled Sunset. “Too late.”

“Look, Cap, before you start yelling at, and potentially whipping us,” said Spike. “I just wanna say… This was all Ass Master’s idea.”

“Fuck you,” groaned Aria.

“So I give you simple directions. I tell you to go back to HQ and wait for me. I specifically tell you not to go after Hip-No-Tits. Yet, for some reason, you decided to do exactly that.” Sunset stepped forward, striking fear in her subordinates’ hearts. “Why is that?”

“Uh… We thought we could take her?” said Aria weakly.

“And we thought we could get away with it?” said Spike, just as faintly.

“Give me one good reason not to whip your asses raw,” said Sunset.

“Ass Master helped me get a new power,” said Fluttershy. “And I helped her understand that being a hero is what she really wanted to do.”

“And when I was wrestling with Titty Titan, I stuck a tracker under her boob,” said Spike. “So we’ll be able to track them, at least for a while. If we move quickly, we can get an advantage on them.”

“Yeah, and did we mention Fluttershy’s new power?!” said Aria. “I helped make that happen. So you’re welcome.”

Sunset glared at her team, then broke into a smirk. Truth be told, she never expected Aria to stay at HQ. She’d have been disappointed if she did. And, though far from perfect, Sunset couldn’t say she was disappointed with the results. She gathered her whip and attached it to her belt.

“Alright, then,” said Sunset. “Let’s go home.”

Author's Note

S.E.X.Y. OFFICIAL TRADING CARDS

03

Hymen

Real Name: Fluttershy
Age: 25
Height: 5'8"
Weight: 152 lbs
Power: Invisibility, Energy Barriers, Telepathy,
Affiliations: S.E.X.Y.

Strength: 3/10
Speed: 7/10
Stamina: 6/10
Endurance: 5/10
Intelligence: 7/10

Fluttershy is a rare type of Xenic, a Virgin Mary. These Xenics have a multitude of powers that grow and change with time, but lose them whenever they have impure or debauched thoughts. If a Virgin Mary were to lose their virginity, their Xenic powers would be gone forever. Fluttershy is always learning of her powers, gaining new ones in hopes of one day being able to live a normal life with her signifigant other, fellow superhero Hypergao.

Backstories

Aria yawned, rolling her way out of bed tiredly. The neon clock that Spike had inserted into the wall displayed the current time, 3:34 AM. Aria wanted to go back to sleep, to be rested for her patrol in the morning, but she knew it was pointless. She was always a night owl, and the only thing that could potentially send her back to sleep would be a tall glass of water.

Even weeks later, Aria still couldn’t believe that she was a superhero now. Or that she was on a team called S.E.X.Y. Or that she lived under an abandoned porn shop called Cumworld. What was most unbelievable to Aria was how much she enjoyed it all.

Aria quietly tiptoed out of her room, past Sunset’s bedroom and Spike’s lab. She slid the door open and stepped into living room.

“H-hiya, Aria,” said Pinkie, unsteadily balancing on one foot. “You're up late.”

“What the hell are you doing?” asked Aria.

“Er… I was going to the kitchen to grab a snack, and I tripped, but I caught myself! But I caught my foot on a nail or something in the floor aaaaaand I ripped my suit.”

“Uh-huh. And the flamingo stance is for…?”

“I can't put my foot down or else I'd touch the floor,” said Pinkie sheepishly. “And I'd… go off.”

“More like ‘get off’. Just… I dunno, bite your shirt or something. Keep it quiet,” said Aria. She strolled into the kitchen, poured herself a glass of water, and took a sip. “Problem solved.”

“Um… Nope. Problem un-solved. See, I don't think you get how hard that would hit me.” Pinkie slowly sat herself down, keeping her foot up over her head. “Even normal people have sensitive feet. With my condition… I wouldn't be able to stop cumming for at least two hours. And then I might end up destroying the house.”

“How did you end up like this?”

“Gather ‘round, children, and you shall spy,” said Pinkie. “The outrageous tale of Pinkie Pie!”

Aria shook her head, but took a seat on the floor across from Pinkie anyway. If this story was half as strange as she expected, she could go ahead and kiss sleep goodbye.

“Alright, I'm game,” said Aria. “Lemme hear it. What’s your story, Pie?”

“My parents said I was born a perfectly healthy little twinkie-pinkie, and that I started off normal. Well, mostly normal. They knew I was Xenic, even if they didn't know what to call it. Most folks don't. They said I was touched by God, blessed by angels, so on, so on,” said Pinkie. She rested her leg on Aria’s shoulder, propping her ankle up on her new crime fighting partner. “I was just sensitive, got hurt easily, but that was okay. I had two big sisters to keep me safe. I hit puberty, and then bam! Everything I touched, the floor, my clothes, heck, even a strong breeze had me going ahegao.”

“The hell is that?”

“It's a hentai thing. You know, like anime porn!” Pinkie rolled her eyes back, letting her tongue loll out of her mouth. “Like that. That's when you really get your world rocked. It’s where I get my hero name from. Anyway, Ma and Pa took me to the doctors, and they basically told me I was up a creek. There was nothing they could do. The best option was surgery; They were going to saw open my head, just pop me like a can of soda, and slice out the part of my brain that let me feel pleasure.”

“That sounds goddamn terrible.”

“Yeah, well, it was better than cumming for the rest of my life. But… they gave me the sleepy-time gas, and went to put me under the knife. Problem was, I still came. Even in my sleep.”

“Damn. That's raw,” said Aria. She tried to imagine being in Pinkie’s place, and she couldn’t properly wrap her head around how difficult it must be to live your life in fear of what you might touch next.

“Well, it wasn’t all bad. After surgery was a bust, we tried physical therapy. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t, but that’s not what was special. What was special was who I met during therapy,” said Pinkie, a smile creeping to her lips. “Fluttershy was a social mute. She couldn’t talk in front of anyone, not even her parents. We used to see each other in the waiting room, and one day I noticed that she was watching me bounce, so I smiled and ran over to her and I started talking and talking and talking… Well, you know how I get.”

“Don’t I just…”

“She showed me her powers, she could only go invisible then, and I showed her my strength. We became friends, even though she couldn’t talk and I couldn’t stop talking. I used to say that I spoke for the both of us. One day, she was over at my house, on the farm I lived on. We were sitting beneath a little cliff face, just enjoying the day, when a rock fell from above us. Would’ve crushed me to a pancake if Shy wasn’t there. She shouted my name, caught the rock with one of her shields. She’d never done either of those things before, but she seemed so relieved. She hugged me and… Nothing happened. I didn’t cream my panties or feel a blast of pleasure. That’s when I knew that we’d be friends forever. And I was right!”

“Wait, what? It just didn’t happen?” asked Aria. “Why not?”

“Well, truth be told, it was probably just the adrenaline. I felt all tingly and numb afterwards, but as a kid, I didn’t know any better. I just thought that, somehow, Shy would be able to cure me. It didn’t hurt when I fell in love with her.” Pinkie blushed slightly, shaking her head. “Anyway, after that, we met Spike a while after high school, then Sunny a bit after that. Spike invented this suit for me so I could walk around and be at least kinda normal.”

“Yeah, I’ve been wondering about that. How does it work?”

“It’s some sort of space-age polymer or dark matter or something, I dunno. Spike is the nerd around here, you should ask him.” Pinkie tugged gently on her suit. “But, basically how it works is that the suit hovers just around me, so it's not actually touching my skin. The mask I wear has a gas that's kinda like an anti-aphrodisiac so I don't accidentally get myself going, and the metal parts are to help me keep my hands to myself.”

“Makes sense. Well, thanks for the chat, but I’ve got patrol in the morning,” said Aria with a yawn. “I’m headed to sleep.”

“Hey, could you do me a favor?” asked Pinkie. “Could, pretty-please with a cherry on top, carry me to my bed?”

“Or, here’s a thought, I could not do that.”

“Pwease? I wanna snuggle with Fluttershy. My little daisy.”

“Could you not?” retched Aria. “You’re gonna make me hurl. How about this: I go get Fluttershy, and she can come carry you. Sound good?”

“I dunno if you noticed, but I’m not exactly a small girl. I got big bones,” said Pinkie. “Shy doesn’t have strength like other Xenics. She couldn’t lift me if she tried. Besides, I don’t wanna wake her up. Please? Please? Pretty, pretty, pretty please?”

“Ugh! Fine!” Aria scooped Pinkie up and rose to her feet, struggling to keep them both up. Holding her wedding-style, Aria carried Pinkie to the KEEP OUT door. She tried the door, which didn’t budge.

“Whoops, sorry,” said Pinkie. “It only opens for me, Shy, and Sunny. Here, swing me around towards the handle.” Aria did as Pinkie said, and she grabbed the door. It buzzed, then swung open. “There ya go. Thanks, Ari.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Aria slowly carried the decidedly “big-boned” Pinkie down the hall. After a few moments of silence, Pinkie decided to break the monotony.

“So… I told you mine, now you tell me yours,” said Pinkie.

“My what?”

“Your backstory, silly! I wanna hear about you.”

Aria grunted, trying to shift Pinkie in a way that made it more comfortable to hold her and walk down the long, dark, narrow hallway.

“What makes you think that I have one?” asked Aria, trying to evade the questioning.

“Heroes always have at least one backstory. Villains sometimes have around four or five,” said Pinkie. “By my calculations, you should have, like, seven. C’mon, just tell me your story! How’d you meet Hip-No-Tits? What’s your deal?”

Aria let out a sigh, trying to get her thoughts together in her head. She knew Pinkie well enough by now to say with absolute certainty that the subject wouldn’t be dropped anytime soon. The best thing for Aria to do was to tell the story as quickly as she could.

“Alright, alright. The way my power works… The extra mass wasn’t always in my butt,” said Aria with a tried sigh. “It used to go wherever it wanted, and it apparently wanted me to have no social life. It went wherever would be the ugliest. I had big feet, a big head, big nose, just some hideous deformities. I moved from town to town, switching schools to get away from the stares. At some point, I ran away from home, ended up in Canterlot, and met Dag. It was middle school and…”

Memories flashed in Aria’s mind, things she hadn’t remembered until just then. She stopped in her tracks, nearly buckling under the sudden wave of mental activity. She slowly dropped down, laying Pinkie on the floor and clutching her head.

“Not middle school. Before that…”

“Are you okay?” asked Pinkie. “You don’t look too good.”

“I… I think that, when your girl was dancing around in my head, she knocked something loose,” said Aria quietly. “I’m remembering stuff I didn’t remember before. Repressed memories. It was fourth grade when I met Adagio. She… She showed me her dance. Put me under her control, but subtly. So she could activate it later. She followed me around, and when we settled down in Canterlot City. She… she convinced me to help her commit crimes. Got me to trust her. She was my friend. She wanted me to be at her side so she could throw me under the bus if things got rough. But I guess her powers started to wear off, cause when she left me with Kink…” Aria took in a shaky breath. “That bitch! She used me! That manipulative, evil little snake!”

“Whoa. Dude, I’m sorry, I didn’t know it’d hit you like this,” said Pinkie. “We can stop talking about it now if you want.”

“She’s after something… She’s been looking for something for a while,” said Aria. “Something about… a gloryhole?”

“The Gloryhole? Spike knows about it,” said Pinkie. “Won’t tell me, though. Maybe you should talk to him about it.”

“Y-yeah. Thanks, Pie. I needed that.” Aria scooped Pinkie up and rose to her feet. “Cleared my head.” She carried Pinkie the rest of the way in silence.

Pinkie’s room was a mess, with bits of trash and debris littering the floor. To the back of the room was a large bed, where Fluttershy slept peacefully. As Aria stepped for the bed, Pinkie’s eyes went wide, and she slapped her hand firmly over Aria’s eyes.

“Ah! What the hell?” demanded Aria.

“I totally forgot! Fluttershy sleeps in the nude!” said Pinkie. “You can’t look!”

“I’m not gonna look. No offense, but your girl ain’t exactly my type.”

“Not taking any chances!”

“Damn it, Pie, how am I supposed to get you to bed?!” Aria stumbled forward blindly, nearly tripping over some litter in her path. “Look, I promise not to look. Okay?”

“Pinkie Promise.”

“I pinkie promise.”

“No! You pinkie promised. I need you to Pinkie Promise!” said Pinkie. Aria’s patience was starting to wear thin.

“What the hell does that even mean?!”

“You gotta say the rhyme! Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!”

After all of the blatant insanity in her life in these past few weeks, Aria didn’t think she could ever be taken by surprise again. Pinkie Pie had, not for the last time, proven her wrong.

“Fine. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my frigging eye,” grumbled Aria. “Can you move your hand now?” After a moment of consideration, Pinkie moved her hand, letting Aria see that the bed was now empty.

“She goes invisible in her sleep sometimes,” said Pinkie. “Hurry up, before she comes back!” Aria shook her head and, moving as quickly as she could with the addition of Pinkie’s weight. She unceremoniously dropped Pinkie onto the bed, falling to her floor in exhaustion.

“There, you’re in bed,” panted Aria. “Happy?”

“Thanks, Ari! See you in the morning!” said Pinkie brightly. Aria stood up and headed for the door. “And, just so you know… If you ever wanna talk about things… I’m here to listen. Maybe we can unblock more of your memories.”

Aria paused in her stride for a moment. This was different for her. The only friend she’d ever had was Adagio, and now her memories of her were being corrupted. Somehow, though, Aria wasn’t afraid of Pinkie hypnotizing her in secret for years before throwing her under the bus. She smirked slightly, then continued on her way to the exit.

“I’ll be sure to let you know. Night, Pie.”

Author's Note

S.E.X.Y. OFFICIAL TRADING CARDS

04

The Hip-No-Tits

Real Name: Adagio Dazzle
Age:
Height:
Weight:
Power: Mind-controlling belly dancing
Affiliations:

Strength: 7/10
Speed: 6/10
Stamina: 5/10
Endurance: 4/10
Intelligence: 8/10

A master manipulator, Adagio Dazzle always had a way of getting what she wanted from people. When flirting and her feminine wiles failed, she resorted to the use of her spell-binding hips, a single dance capable of putting a person completely under her influence. Her origins are shrouded in mystery, though her evil is very much so visible. She seeks something called The Gloryhole, intending to use it to take control of the world. Cold, calculating, and unfeeling, she shows no care for those under her spell, and views people near to her as disposable. Though her attempts at power are relatively young, she has already made powerful enemies in the form of The Ass Master and the other heroes of S.E.X.Y. The Hip-No-Tits is unconcerned, all of her focus on The Gloryhole and infinite power...

Backstories II: Erotic Boogaloo

“Hey! Aria! Come help me with this!”

Aria groaned, but set down her phone and rose from the couch nonetheless. Spike had a lot of nerve asking her for help when she was busy tracking down one of the most nefarious super villains in history. Granted, searching through Twitter and Instagram for Adagio Dazzle probably wasn’t the quickest, most surefire way of finding her, but it was the attempt that counted. Still, Aria had been focused on the Hip-No-Tits ever since her discussion with Pinkie Pie two weeks prior. She needed to get her eyes off of things, anyway.

Aria strolled down the hall, knocking on Spike’s door. She looked up to a small camera in the doorframe. There was a quiet buzzing, followed by a loud beep, and the door slid open with an audible hiss of air. Aria stepped into Spike’s room.

“AH! AH! FUCK! YES, BABY, RIGHT FUCKING THERE!”

“Whoops, my bad,” said Spike. He wheeled himself back in his chair, swiping down through the air. The explicit audio went silent, which gave Aria an opportunity to survey the room.

The floor was cluttered with various bits of machinery and gadgets. Aria had to walk past a few shelves of tools and unknown doohickies to get into the room proper. When she did, she was met with a workbench to her left, a small bed to her right, and a massive computer station with several monitors, keyboard, and towers, some lighting up, all emitting a low buzz. There were flat screen televisions lining all three walls, each screen displaying some form of pornography.

“Good, you’re here,” said Spike. “I need your help.”

“Yeah… I don’t think I can help you with that,” said Aria. “I can go get you some lotion or something, but past that, you’re on your own.”

“Not that. I just leave the porn on in the background. Helps me focus,” said Spike. “No, what I need is an extra set of hands on this package.”

“Uh…”

“Just shut up and come over here.” Spike pulled off his iGlass and set it on the workbench. Aria joined him over at the table, which was littered with gears and screws and tools for a device that was so sophisticated, Aria couldn’t even guess what it was.

“Here, just hold this in place,” said Spike, pointing to a small device on the table. It was a hexagonal bit of steel, divided into a top half and a bottom base. Aria shrugged, but grabbed the device and held it in place. Spike grabbed a small device roughly the size and shape of a pen. “And don’t move your fingers. I’d hate to cut ‘em off.”

“Wait, what?”

Spike aimed his pen-device at the hexagon and fired a steady beam of red light. The beam hissed, welding the steel shut. Spike stuck his tongue out in concentration, going all around the edge of the hexagon. When he was done, he set the welder down and took the hexagon from the table.

“Alright, thanks” said Spike. “You can go now.”

“The hell is that, anyway?” asked Aria. Spike returned his iGlass, swiping his finger through the air at nothing.

“Ever since you told me about your unblocked memories, I’ve been looking at a way to get back into The Gloryhole,” said Spike. “This device is a sort of window into it. If I can get this working, we can beat The Hip-No-Tits to whatever it is she wants.”

“Can we skip the part where I ask a bunch of questions and get right along to the part where you tell me all the stuff I need to know?” asked Aria.

“Alright, well, to go way back, Xenics are thought to have originally come from another dimension stacked on top of ours. The space in between is called The Gloryhole,” explained Spike. “And that’s where we put the really bad villains. Ones that are serious threats to the entire world. I’ve only ever had to use it once, and the device broke right after. We don’t know exactly what is in The Gloryhole, but we’ve got scans to indicate that if anything were to come through, we’d be screwed.”

“So you named it The Gloryhole,” groaned Aria. “Fucking hell, these names are stupid…”

“Look, I don’t name these things,” said Spike. He tilted his head in thought. “Okay, I named this one, but it’s not my fault. Xenics are wired this way. Haven’t found out why.”

“Yeah, whatever. I’m gonna go look for Dag,” said Aria. “Just call me if you need anything.”

“Actually, have you seen my hard drive anywhere? The one with the blue tape,” said Spike. “It’s got those pictures of Titty Titan on it, and, uh… I’m gonna need em soon.”

Aria rolled her eyes in disgust and was about to turn to look for the hard drive when she stopped. A question suddenly dawned on Aria, something she never thought to ask before regarding her tech-savvy, crime-fighting partner.

“Spike, lemme ask you something kinda personal,” said Aria. “Why don’t you have a girlfriend or something?”

“Uh… Maybe because I’m a porn-obsessed weirdo called The Fapper?” suggested Spike. “Might have something to do with it.”

“I just meant, like, you know… You’re smart. Funny. Kinda cute, if that’s what you’re into.” Aria crossed the room and took a seat on Spike’s workbench. “I figure you could probably bag any chick you want. Or dude. I don’t know your life.”

“Jeez, someone’s getting friendly. Ever since you swapped backstories with Pinkie, you’re all about being best buds with us,” grumbled Spike. He rolled over to his computers, typing away without so much as looking at Aria. “I thought you were supposed to be an antisocial dick.”

“I can fuck off, if you’re gonna be like that.”

“No, don’t. It’s… Look, don’t tell the others. The only other person who knows this story is Fluttershy.” Spike pushed himself back, sliding across to one of his shelves. He dug through the rubbish, eventually emerging with another iGlass. He tossed it to Aria, who caught it easily. “Put that on.”

“Sure.” Aria slipped the iGlass onto her face, her eyes immediately going wide. Suddenly, floating in the air, were several dozen webpages, most of them displaying pornography of varying degrees of intensity. “Yo, dude, seriously?”

“Sorry. I forgot.” Spike swiped his hand to the side, minimizing the pages. “Alright, so you wanna hear my story?”

“Yeah, sure, I’ve got time,” said Aria. “What’s the point of this? Can’t you just tell me?”

“Visual aids. So, let’s start way back in high school. This was before Sunset, before Pinkie and Shy, before I was a hero. There was a girl.” He swiped his hand up, displaying the image of a girl. She was elegantly beautiful, with luxurious purple-blue hair and glistening sapphire eyes. “Her name was Rarity, and I was smitten immediately. She was smart, and sexy, and powerful. She ticked all my boxes and, for bonus points, she was Xenic. We dated for years, from freshman year until we were seniors. I loved her. And everything was sunshine and rainbows until she popped my cherry. Then… I realized that something was wrong. I was blacking out. Losing whole days of memory. And, one day… I woke up in a broom closet watching her get railed by some dickhead on the football team.”

“Damn, man. That sucks,” said Aria. Then, she started putting things together. “Wait, you woke up in a broom closet? How the hell does that happen?”

“How astute of you. Well, that moves me to the next part of the story. The part where I find out that Rarity wasn’t who I thought she was.”

Spike took down the first photo, replacing it with another; Rarity was floating above the streets of Canterlot City, a beam of sapphire light blasting from her hand. She was barely clothed, wearing a black bodice with a heart cutout over the cleavage and long, elbow-length leather gloves on her top and a simple black bottom piece with knee-high boots. Two dark, leathery wings spread from her back, and she had two slightly curved horns jutting from her forehead.

“Turns out, Rarity didn’t really love me. She was a villain called Seducctubus,” sighed Spike. “She fucks dudes and drains their energy to add to her own power. There’s a mind-control element, too. Fucking her made me super submissive, really easily influenced. She used me until she couldn’t get any more energy from me. Sucked me dry, and not in the fun way. That’s why I need Bad Dragon, to make up for the fact that I’m barely a Xenic now.

“There was a side-effect to having sex with Rarity. She gave me… I don’t really know what to call it. It’s an energy, but it’s living, almost. I call it a Dick Parasite.”

“Okay, if this story is gonna stay serious, you can’t call it a Dick Parasite,” said Aria. “You’re a smart dude. Where’s the scientific terminology?”

“Look, I dunno what it is. All I know is that it drains the energy out of anything I stick it to and feeds it back to Rarity. So she gains power not just from dudes she fucks, but from chicks those dudes fuck, and dudes that those chicks fuck, so on and so forth. She’s possibly the most powerful Xenic in the world. Or, she was, before I sent her to The Gloryhole.”

Spike paused for a moment, trying to get a gauge of Aria’s reaction. To his surprise, she seemed unaffected. Like she’s heard worse before. Her lack of reaction actually made him feel a bit better. A bit less stressed at reliving the hardest part of his life so far.

“And, I thought, you know, that putting her away would cut off the connection. She was in another dimension, for Christ’s sake. So, I started dating again. I met a girl I really liked. She was like Rarity, except not a bitch,” said Spike. “She was a hero, my partner before I joined S.E.X.Y. So, I decided that I wanted to push things forward. Rarity was gone, this girl was Xenic, so I figured I was good.”

“I’m guessing you weren’t?”

“I almost killed her. I put her in a coma.” Spike swiped his hand again, pulling up the medical records and bioscans, all of them looking bad even to someone like Aria who had very minimal knowledge of medicine. “She woke up, thank god, but she dumped me. She said I should’ve told her, which is true. We don’t talk often anymore.”

“Wow. Here I was thinking only villains had fucked-up pasts,” sighed Aria. “That’s rough, bud.”

“Yeah, but I get along fine. I mean, who needs a woman’s touch when you have infinite porn?”

There was a sudden flash of light, accompanied by a sound reminiscent of a whip cracking through the air. A woman appeared from nowhere, falling to her butt. Her hair was a purplish mess, some ends burned and some still aflame. She tried to stand up but quickly buckled, falling straight onto her back. She raised a hand and placed it to her chest, where she wore a sort of harness with a glowing ring of lavender light inset in the center.

“Hi! Oh dear, this thing needs recalibration,” she said. She tried once again to stand, falling just as quickly. “So, how are you?”

“What the hell?” demanded Aria.

“What are you doing here?” asked Spike. He glanced to his silently playing porn, then blacked out the screen with a swipe of the hand.

“I’m… well, primarily, I’m bleeding internally,” said the mystery woman. “Don’t worry, the med-gel will kick in soon. If I programmed this hunk of junk properly, that is.” There was a low beep, then a metallic shink! The mystery woman winced in pain, eventually letting out a contented sigh. “There you go. I’m good.”

“Alright, so I don’t get any answers?” asked Aria. “Who the fuck is this?”

“Oh my god, I can’t believe this is happening…” sighed Spike. “Ass Master, meet The Flicker. Flicker, Ass Master.”

“Nice to meet you, Ass Master, but you really don’t need to bother with the hero name for me,” said The Flicker. “I’m Twilight Sparkle. Nice to meet you.”

“Sup. It’s Aria, by the way.” Aria stood up and grew out her fists defensively. “So… Why are you here?”

“That’s a damn good question, Aria,” said Spike. “Why are you here, Twilight?”

“Well… You know I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t need to be.” Twilight stood up, clutching her side gingerly. “So… You remember that thing you used to call me? Your little…”

“My little mad scientist, yeah.” Realization washed over Spike, and he visibly paled. “Oh, shit, what did you do?!”

“Well, Spike, I was trying to solve the problem you caused us,” explained Twilight. Spike blushed faintly, his eyes immediately darting downwards to avoid meeting Twilight’s. “And I tried something radical.”

“Radical like extremist or radical like awesome?” asked Aria.

“I wasn’t aware that second definition was still used.”

“Only by chucklefucks.”

“What. Did. You. Do?!” demanded Spike. Twilight sighed, running her fingers through her hair in an attempt at neatening it.

“I decided that the solution was probaby cell duplication. Duplicate healthy cells so that the infected cells can’t keep up.”

“Twilight, if you fucked that up, you could’ve given yourself cancer.”

“But I didn’t. Give myself cancer. I did mess up, though. Quite royally,” said Twilight. “And… I may have completely duplicated myself and now the clone is running around Ponyville in a psychotic rage. And I sort of need your help to capture her before she replicates herself an army to take over the world.”

Aria and Spike went silent, neither knowing the appropriate response to such a revelation. Spike let out a sigh, then pressed a button on his watch. His door slid open, and the Bad Dragon armor stomped into the room, opening wide for its master to step in.

“Alright, then. I guess we’re going to Ponyville,” sighed Spike. He stepped into his suit, which closed and hummed to life. “Let’s do it.”

Author's Note

S.E.X.Y. OFFICIAL TRADING CARDS

05

The Flicker

Real Name: Twilight Sparkle
Age: 24
Height: 5'5"
Weight: 143 lbs
Power: Teleportation, Genius Intellect
Affiliations: The City of Ponyville, The Fapper

Strength: 3/10
Speed: 6/10
Stamina: 4/10
Endurance: 5/10
Intelligence: 15/10

Twilight Sparkle is The Flicker, former superhero partner and romantic interest of S.E.X.Y's Fapper. A genius inventor, The Flicker compensates for her lack of physical powers with the Eden Teleportation Harness and several sex-toy based weapons and gadgets. Though not an official member of S.E.X.Y, The Flicker sympathizes with their goals and won't hesitate to step in, should the team ever need her aid. Currently, she defends the city of Ponyville as its sole hero, using her spare time to research a cure for The Seducctubus' Dick Parasites.

Fingerbang

“So… How’re things in Ponyville?” asked Spike.

“They’re fine,” Twilight replied curtly.

The following silence was thick enough to cut with a knife. For several moments, neither hero said anything to the other. After a bit, Twilight decided to break that silence.

“And you? You’re doing okay with S.E.X.Y?” asked Twilight.

“Uh-huh. Doing fine. Tracking down villains. Saving the town. The usual.”

“That’s good. I’m glad you’re doing okay.”

“Me too. I mean, I’m glad you’re alright.”

More silence. The most awkward single moment in all of recorded history. The heroes kept moving, silently begging the other to change the subject.

“So, I see you’ve upgraded Bad Dragon. Finally gave it a good aesthetic,” noted Twilight.

“It’s not very aerodynamic. I need to streamline it some more,” said Spike. “Er… your harness is different than I remember.”

“This is an old prototype. The teleportation barely works. Which is why I have it in flight mode and didn’t just teleport us to Ponyville.”

“Right. Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“Alright, if you two are gonna do the whole ‘awkward sexual tension’ thing, then let me off,” grumbled Aria, clutching tightly to Spike as they flew through the air. “I’ll fucking walk.”

“Sorry. Forgot you were here,” said Spike. “Uh… God, this is weird. I haven’t worked with you in ages, Flicker.”

“Not since we broke up,” said Twilight with a nod.

“Right.”

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to make things awkward.”

“Not your fault. Don’t be sorry.”

“Fucking hell! Land, right now!” shouted Aria. Spike and Twilight immediately found a nearby skyscraper and landed. They were only a mile or so away from their destination, Twilight’s headquarters, and truly didn’t have time to waste. But Aria knew she wouldn’t get any work done with these two acting like this.

“Alright, here’s what’s gonna happen,” said Aria. “You two are gonna either fuck right now or pretend you never did, and then we’re gonna do our goddamn jobs.”

“Er… Even if I wanted to have sex with Spike right now, we couldn’t,” said Twilight. She tapped the ring in the center of her chest, retracting her harness’ wings into the mechanism. “The Dick Parasites would mutate and probably kill us.”

“So you’re going for option two. So forget about your past and give me a sitrep! What the hell are we even chasing?!”

“And what do you mean, even if you wanted to?” asked Spike.

“Not now, dickhead.”

“Right, sorry.”

“We’re chasing a clone of myself. The cloning process seems to have injured her head,” said Twilight. “Scarred her brain somehow. She’s a maniac. In my short time with her, she complimented my sweater, stole all my gear, tried to make out with me, then stabbed me in the side.”

“So she’s you, but crazy,” said Aria.

“So she's Twilight,” mumbled Spike.

“I will knock you into next week, little man.” Aria raised a large, threatening fist to prove her point. “If she’s like you, beating her should be simple. Just tell us how to beat you.”

“Not so simple. I cloned her through cellular regeneration. There’s precedence to say that she probably has a healing factor of sorts,” said Twilight. “Plus… Duplicating cells generates a lot of energy, she’s learned how to harness it.”

“Harness it how?” asked Spike.

“She can point at things and make them explode.”

Aria let out a long, tired breath, massaging her temples. All she wanted was to search for Hip-No-Tits on the internet. She didn’t ask for this.

“So, let me get this straight,” groaned Aria. “I was born with a big butt, and this chick can blow shit up by pointing at it? How is that fair?”

“Xenic gifts works in strange ways,” said Twilight. She pursed her lips in thought. “I think I’m going to call her Fingerbang. She needs a villain name, doesn’t she? And it would fit with the theme of our names. Fapper, Flicker, Fingerbang.”

“Flicker? How does that fit?” asked Aria. She thought on it for a bit, slapping her forehead. “Ah, fuck me, I just got it… I thought it was a teleporting thing…”

“Speaking of teleporting things…” Twilight tapped the middle ring of her harness. “I think Eden has enough charge to get us back to my place.” Twilight grabbed Spike by the hand, who, after panicking for just a second, grabbed Aria in a similar way. “Brace yourselves. And, if you feel any of your intestines rupture, don’t worry, I’ve got med-gel in my lab.”

“Wait, what?” Aria’s eyes went wide. “Ruptured intestines?”

There was a deafening crack and a blinding flash of light, then a sudden feeling of nothingness. And, all of a sudden, Aria hit the ground. She clutched her ribs gingerly, but a quick self-examination showed that her intestines were, as far as she could tell, wholly unruptured. She grunted and pushed herself up, then took a moment to observe her surroundings.

They seemed to be in a bunker of some sort, with very sparse furnishings. There was a small table set to the right, a downright tiny kitchen are to the left, and a massive wall of computers to the back. Just beside the computer was a single door, which presumably led to some sort of sleeping area. Behind where the three heroes appeared was a dual lab-workshop area that brought a tear to Spike’s eye.

“Holy shit…” he muttered. “Someone upgraded…”

“I’ve got some friends in the tech industry who owed me some favors,” said Twilight with a grin. “Check this out. Computer! I’m home!”

“Welcome home, Sugartits,” said the computer. “Selecting automatic playlist: Hardcore gangbang action.”

“Cancel! Cancel!” Twilight blushed aggressively, running to the computer console. “Off! Shut it off!”

“Yes, Mistress.”

“Wow,” said Aria. “So you’re a porn addict too, eh? Thought it was just him.”

“Aria! Shut up!” hissed Spike, his cheeks tinged red in their own right.

“What? You weren’t embarrassed when talking to me about it, and I was a complete stranger at the time.”

“This is different…”

“In any case, we’re wasting a lot of time here,” said Twilight, twirling a lock of her hair nervously. “Computer, what’s your status?”

“Scanning… Currently, wishing to bend you over that table and ram my hard, fat—”

“Computer! We talked about this! Not in front of company!” hissed Twilight. “And that’s not the status I was looking for. I meant status on Eden Mark IX!”

“Apologies, my Supple Queen. Would you like me to delete that scenario from my database?”

Twilight hung her head in shame, unable to look her partners directly in the face.

“No, Computer, save it,” she sighed, thoroughly defeated.

“Of course, Sweetcheeks. Saving scenario as Dirty Talk Initiator #432,” said Computer. “Scanning… Eden Mark IX will be ready in ten minutes. Recommended course of action: charge empty fuel cells. With efficiency and the use of Ricardo, I project that twelve cells can be charged.”

“Thank you, Computer. You can go now.”

“Yes, lover. You will forever inhabit my darkest, most debauched fantasies.”

The Computer shut down, leaving Twilight’s face glowing red and Aria trying her hardest not to laugh. Spike was almost as embarrassed as Twilight, deciding that the floor was the safest place to look.

“That AI is incredible,” said Spike.

At that, Aria lost it. She burst into hysteric, gut-busting laughter, eventually collapsing onto her butt from sheer amusement. She had to look through tears of mirth in her eyes to see it, but the radiating blush on Twilight’s face only exacerbated Aria’s laughter.

“Oh god, that’s too good!” cackled Aria. “You programmed it to dirty talk! Why?!”

“It… It helps me… Finish…” Twilight buried her face in her palms. “This whole thing went off the rails really quickly. I just wanted to show off my computer…”

“You called for me, Tastycakes?”

“No, Computer, I did not.”

“I was serious, by the way,” said Spike. “It's incredible. Did you code him yourself?”

“Took me two years, but yes,” sighed Twilight. She turned to her workshop, looking up at a box of plexiglass near the back wall. There was another harness in it, with several robotic arms tinkering with it like an automobile in production. “Ten minutes have never gone by slower…”

“Hold on, I'm not done laughing,” chuckled Aria. “Who's Ricardo?”

If Twilight was blushing before, she was downright nuclear with embarrassment now. If she could instantaneously evaporate, it'd be too slow for her.

“He's… He's not a he. He's an it,” sighed Twilight. “Ricardo is my favorite sex toy.”

“Fetching Ricardo and selecting automatic playlist: Teen sluts fucked hard.”

“Computer! Cancel!”

“As you wish, my Bootylicious Bride.”

“Please let me die,” mumbled Twilight, barely heard over Aria’s raucous laughter. “If there is really a god out there, please just kill me now…”

“Eden Mark IX is ready, Dollface.”

“Excellent! Bring it to me!”

“Anything for you, Honeytwat.”

“Ew, I don’t like that one. Remove it from your dictionary.”

“Deleting phrase… Anything for you, Cuddle Muffin.”

The plexiglass box rose, allowing the robotic arms to lift the Eden Teleportation Harness from its workplace. Twilight pulled her hardly-functioning prototype off and slipped on her brand new teleporter. Once Eden Mark IX was secured, Twilight pressed a palm to her chest and activated the harness. A lavender ring of light began to glow in the center of her chest, humming with energy.

“Finally! Now, we can go find this clone!” said Twilight.

“Or maybe she can find you!”

The heroes jumped in surprise, their eyes falling on the computer console. Hanging upside down and with a wicked grin on her face was an almost exact mirror image of Twilight. Her hair was messier, and she wore nothing except for an Eden harness, but she otherwise looked and sounded exactly like the Flicker.

“It’s about time! I was starting to grow impatient, sweetie,” cooed Fingerbang. “You shouldn’t leave a girl hanging like that! Sorry about stabbing you earlier, bee-tee-dubs, your body just drives me a teeny, tiny bit crazy! Makes me do baaaaad things!” Fingerbang’s eyes fell on Aria and Spike for the first time. “Ooh, you brought company. If we’re going to bring others into the bedroom, we should really discuss it first.”

“What do you want?” demanded Twilight. Fingerbang sat herself right-side up, kicking her feet idly.

“What I want is for you to introduce us. Like this one! Who’s she?” Fingerbang vanished in a flash. Aria felt two hands roughly grab her butt, but didn’t react. She would’ve punched Fingerbang in the jaw as hard as she could, but Twilight quickly shook her head, then pantomimed an explosion. Aria subsequently lowered her hands. “God damn, your ass is amazing! I wanna hit that like an abusive spouse.”

“What does that even mean?” asked Twilight. “Scratch that, how did you get here?” Fingerbang giggled, smacked Aria firmly on the butt, then began pacing around the room.

“I never left, bae. I just teleported to bed, and Computer was keeping me… occupied, if you know what I mean.” Fingerbang winked sensually, then gestured to her crotch. “What I mean is he pleasured my vagina.”

“Thanks, got it. How did you get Computer to work for you?”

“Computer, who am I?” asked Fingerbang.

“You are the master of my burning desire, Ms. Twilight.”

“Good boy.” Fingerbang teleported back to her original position, chewing suggestively on her lip. “You know, you still haven’t introduced our new fuck-buddies.”

“Yeah, I'm gonna stop you right there,” said Aria, growing her fists to maximum size. “I'm the Ass Master, superhero ass-kicker and dispenser of justice. And that weird orgy you keep trying to get off the ground? It ain't happening! What is gonna happen is me punching your head off of your goddamn shoulders!”

“Wow,” noted Twilight. “Intense.”

“She slapped my ass. I hate that.”

“Note to self: Do not slap Aria’s ass,” muttered Spike. “Not worth the risk…”

“It's over, Fingerbang,” declared Twilight. “You're outnumbered, 3 to 1!”

“Like that video you were watching when you were making me?” laughed Fingerbang. Twilight blushed profusely, but she stood her ground.

“Give it up, or we’re going to have to hurt you.”

“I can take on you two sluts with my eyes closed,” yawned Fingerbang, placing her hands over her eyes. “Wanna see?” Without warning, she pointed a finger-gun at Aria and made the motion of a gun going off.

The air in front of Aria detonated, sending her flying back against a wall. Aria groaned in pain, clutching her chest gingerly.

“Fuck…” she groaned. “That hurt…”

“One down, one to go,” laughed Fingerbang. She pointed at her creator, waving before firing.

Spike zoomed in front of Twilight, using his armor to withstand the brunt of the explosion. The metal dented slightly, but held together enough.

“You got weapons?” asked Spike. Any awkward past he had with Twilight was pushed to the side for the time being. He had a job to do.

“It can teleport, Spike. Technically speaking, I have everything.” Twilight tapped the center of Eden Mark IX, which teleported two steel batons into her hand. Further inspection revealed that they were actually shaped to resemble a particular bit of the male anatomy.

“Dick bats?” asked Spike. “Really?”

“They're eskrima sticks. Get ready for a fight.”

“Don't,” ordered Fingerbang. “Other Twilight, I'll blow your ass up and down the city all day, if that's what you're into. But I can't possibly hurt my boytoy.”

“Um… No?” tried Spike. “I'm nobody's boytoy. Not recently, anyway. Regardless, we're going to stop you, right here, right now!”

“But Spikey… I wuv you, bae,” pouted Fingerbang. She made a heart with her hands and pressed it to her chest. “I… I couldn’t possibly hurt you!”

“Then don’t,” said Twilight. “Just don’t. Let me test you, stabilize you, and—”

“Shut your whore mouth!” Fingerbang vanished, reappearing behind Twilight and grabbing her by the hair. She teleported again, this time with Twilight in tow, and reappeared in front of Spike, where Fingerbang fired another blast at Twilight’s chest. With no armored hero between her and the explosion, Twilight went flying through the air, eventually colliding with a still-incapacitated Aria.

“Ugh… You weren’t kidding…” grunted Twilight. “I’m gonna be feeling that one…”

“On the bright side, it gets easier to deal with,” said Aria. She chuckled slightly, wincing in pain. “Ah, fuck me, I was wrong, it gets way harder.”

“Hey, Fingerbang!” said Spike. “Could you knock it the hell off? These are my friends!”

“But why?! That slut I just blew up left you! She dumped you and broke your heart and now you’ll never love another woman again!” Fingerbang grabbed one of Twilight’s discarded eskrima dicks, twirling it idly. “But that’s okay, stud. You don’t have to love another woman. You can have what you want. Because I’m her! I’m everything you liked about that cuntsack, and nothing you don’t.”

“What are you—”

“Why are you still pining for her, Spikey? Why bother with that fucking loser? The stick up her ass has a stick up its ass! But me? I’m fun, baby, I’m down for anything!” She began stroking the eskrima dick, suggestively raising her eyebrows while she did. “Anything you could possibly want, I’d do it for you. Go ahead, pitch an idea to me. Something you’d do to me that no one else would let you. I’d do it three times in front of your parents if that’s what you wanted. Just take me back, sweetie. Take me back and we can have it all! Money and power and chicks! We can travel, fuck all over the world, and no one could stop us!” Fingerbang held out the eskrima dick as a peace offering of sorts to Spike, who took it and looked at strangely. He clutched it tightly, then tossed it to his fallen partner, who barely caught it.

“Fingerbang, it doesn’t work that way,” said Spike. “Even if I wanted to get together with you, and I don’t, you’re a villain and I’m a hero. It’s my job to fight you until one of us doesn’t get up. Flicker, Ass Master, naptime is over. Let’s do our jobs.”

Twilight teleported to Spike’s side, scooping up her other eskrima dick. Aria fought to her feet and joined the heroes facing off with Fingerbang. The villain pouted her lip, her eyes bouncing from Twilight to Aria and finally landing on Spike.

“I see. You’d rather have the classic model. I guess you can’t tell what a huge upgrade this would be,” sighed Fingerbang. “But that’s fine. I’ll just have to show you.” She grinned madly, letting her tongue loll out of her mouth. “I’ll make you wish you took me up on my orgy suggestion.”

“C’mon, man, I know you’re only like three hours old, but that’s not how it works,” said Aria. “You gotta take me out on a date or something first.” Fingerbang vanished, then reappeared behind Aria, grabbing a handful of her ass as she did.

“You want a date?” asked Fingerbang wickedly. “How about a date… Here?” Aria vanished in a flash, feeling herself dangling by the wrist. When the light had faded and she could see again, her heart just about stopped in her chest.

Several hundreds of feet below were the tops of the tallest skyscrapers Ponyville had to offer. Aria looked up, locking eyes with the mad, near-hysterical villain. Her harness’ wings were out, keeping them in the air. Fingerbang kept her hand clamped tightly around Aria’s wrist, her upper arm strength acting the only thing between the Ass Master and a painful death, other than over a thousand feet of air.

“Fuck!” Aria didn’t know what to do. “Take me back! We can fuck or do whatever it is you want, just take me back!”

“Oh, but you said a date, and I can’t think of a better date than one held 1,500 feet in the sky,” laughed Fingerbang. “Maybe we can go back to my original idea, though. Once I’m done scraping you off of the pavement.”

Fingerbang smiled, then blew Aria a kiss, before releasing her grip and letting Ass Master plummet from the sky.

Author's Note

S.E.X.Y. OFFICIAL TRADING CARDS

06

Fingerbang

Real Name: Twilight Sparkle
Age: 3 hours
Height: 5'5"
Weight: 143 lbs
Power: Teleportation, Explosion Inducement, Regenerative Healing
Affiliations: The Fapper

Strength: 8/10
Speed: 6/10
Stamina: 7/10
Endurance: 6/10
Intelligence: 8/10

In an attempt to use cellular regeneration to cure herself of her Dick Parasites, Twilight Sparkle inadvertently created a clone of herself. The clone was perfect on the surface, but her brain was scarred by the process, resulting in a fractured psyche. What resulted was an insane, delusional, sex-crazed villain called Fingerbang. With the power to cause explosions with the point of a finger (a side-effect of the cloning process), Fingerbang will stop at nothing to get what she wants. While her demented, ever-shifting mind is impossible to predict, one thing remains clear: the thing she wants more than anything is the heart of The Fapper...

Flicker vs Fingerbang

Being a hero was about being strong, courageous, and dignified. Heroes were supposed to be more than just saviors to the innocent and defenders of justice. Heroes were supposed to be symbols of good, signifying a level of benevolence, integrity, and worth that would inspire others to become agents of good. No matter how bleak or terrifying the situation, it was a hero’s job to be strong and calm, even when their lives were at stake, and put on a face of courage and dignity for those around them.

“Fuck! Fuckfuckfuck, I’m gonna fucking die, fuck!”

As she plummeted out of the sky, Aria realized she probably wasn’t a very good hero.

There was a flash of light, and Aria felt two arms wrap themselves around her middle. She had no time to react before she was being teleported, reappearing somewhere very, very wet.

Aria shouted in surprise, her exclamation taking the form of a stream of bubbles as salty water entered her throat and was swiftly ejected. She panicked, flailing wildly before another teleport brought her back to dry land. She rolled over onto her hands and knees and coughed up as much seawater as she could. She couldn’t see much through the salt in her eyes, but she seemed to be on a skyscraper of some sort.

“What the fuck?!” she snapped in between fits of coughs.

“You’re welcome,” said Twilight. She shook her head firmly, sending whips of salty seawater out of her hair. “A second or two later and you’d be the city sanitation department’s problem.”

“Did you really have to teleport me to the Pacific fucking Ocean?”

“First of all, Atlantic. Second, I don’t know how you think these things work, but me teleporting you to the ground doesn’t just stop your momentum. I had to fall with you, then bring you someplace where you could fall slower. Otherwise, all that that rescue attempt would do is break my arms and snap your spine.”

“Yeah, ocean beats that out any day. What’s the plan?” asked Aria.

“Fingerbang is out of control, but she won’t hurt Spike,” said Twilight. “That’s an advantage.”

“Why won’t she?” Aria rubbed her head, the sudden drop and even more sudden teleport more than a bit disorienting. “She’s in love with him or something, but why?”

“Why doesn’t matter. What matters is how we’re going to stop her. Now, Computer has been running scenarios and tests, possible countermeasures. I doubt we’ll be able to out-punch her.”

“Speak for yourself, nerd,” said Aria, cracking her knuckles. “I’ve got a three-piece combo with her name on it.”

“No. I’m a certified genius and, while Fingerbang’s mind is nowhere near as powerful as mine, she’s still me and, therefore, intelligent to a dangerous extent.” Twilight tapped the ring of light in the center of Eden and teleported an earpiece communicator into her hand. “Here, put this in.” Aria did as she was told, tapping the little device into her ear.

“Alright, now what?” asked Aria.

“Computer, establish communications,” ordered Twilight.

“As you command, my luscious Lady Lust.”

“Come in, Fapper, come in. This is Flicker, do you read me?”

“Twi, what the hell are you doing? We’re superheroes, not the goddamn Coast Guard.” Spike’s voice rang clear through the communicator. “And could you hurry this up? I’m a bit busy.”

“Too busy to stop a supervillain?” asked Aria.

“Well, she set a frigging school on fire, so yeah, I am. Too busy saving the lives of 3rd graders.”

“Alright, well, wrap that up as soon as possible,” said Twilight. “We need to move in on Fingerbang before she does something really drastic.”

“More drastic than setting a school on fire?” asked Aria with a raised eyebrow.

There was another flash of light, this one bringing with it the form of Fingerbang. She was laid out on her back, her face buried deep in a copy of Hustler magazine. She giggled to herself, then looked up, apparently surprised that she was no longer alone. She tossed the porno mag to the side, then turned over on her side and posed seductively with her hand on her hip.

“Ah, if it isn’t the Jennifer to my Angelina,” said Fingerbang with a grin. “Hope you’ve enjoyed the last two minutes or so of your life, because you’re only going to have about three more. Cause I’m gonna kill you. Did you get that? I admit, my villain quips could use some work, I have only been doing this for a few hours.”

“Yeah, we got it, but… Hold on a second, Jennifer?” Twilight raised an eyebrow. “What are you implying?”

“I’m implying that Brad is mine, and that you should go back to making shitty rom-coms before you get yourself hurt,” chuckled Fingerbang. “You know I could’ve killed you by now, right? Wanna know why I haven’t?” She didn’t bother waiting for Twilight’s answer. “Because that’s boooooring! I wanna beat you one to one, Twilight to Twilight, in some good, dirty, scandalous girl-on-girl action. Maybe then my sweet prince will see how much happier he’d be with me as his princess.”

“So what? A duel?” asked Aria. Fingerbang nodded vigorously. “If she wins, will you fuck off and leave us alone?”

“Absolutely! You have my word!” Fingerbang raised her left hand, placing her right over her chest. “Scout’s honor.”

“And if I refuse?” asked Twilight.

“Ooh, what’s that over there?” Fingerbang scurried over to the ledge, peering across the skyline. “Is that a cancer treatment center?” She pointed at it, one eye closed as she carefully aimed. “Man, all those poor patients, let alone the millions of dollars of research that would be lost… It’d be a shame if someone were to blow it up or something…”

Twilight leapt onto Fingerbang, pushing her onto her back and pinning her hands to the ground. She glared at the villain with sheer animosity, wishing she had been more careful. Ironically, Twilight’s attempts of curing her Dick Parasites gave her a similar feeling of regret to her getting them in the first place. Her attempts to fix one mistake had resulted in an even bigger one.

“Fine! Just… I’ll fight you, one on one,” huffed Twilight. “Just don’t hurt anyone else. Keep it between you and me. I won’t tolerate any collateral damage. If even a single person gets hurt, it’s off. Any questions?”

“Just one,” giggled Fingerbang. “Is that a laser pistol in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

Twilight reached into her pocket and pulled out a small, handheld laser pistol, which she pressed against Fingerbang’s forehead.

“You tell me,” she growled.

“Hm… It’s hard to tell, honestly. I mean, obviously, laser pistol, but that’s how I would show I was happy to see you. So… I’m gonna go with both.” She teleported from beneath Twilight’s grasp, causing the Flicker to fall onto her hands and knees. Fingerbang reappeared on top of Twilight, sitting with her legs crossed. “Ah, but some rules! Rule 1: You get one basic weapon! Can’t have you teleporting military-grade arms just to beat widdle ol me, can we?”

“My eskrima sticks are more than enough to put you down.” Twilight teleported next to Aria, who was watching cautiously. Aria didn't even remotely trust Fingerbang, but she had to assume that Twilight, a solo hero more experienced than herself, knew what she was doing.

“Ow! Gravel is not fun on the backside, I'll tell you that for free.” Fingerbang stood up, dusting the tiny rocks from her body. “Rule 2: If your buddy over there with the succulent booty decides to get involved, you forfeit and I get to blow up… That shopping mall looks nice, I'll blow that up.”

“She'll stay out of it,” promised Twilight. “What else?”

“Well, I only really thought of those two, but I've been told that you're supposed to do these things in threes, for comedic purposes…” Fingerbang tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Ha! I've got it! Rule 3: You can't wear anything but your Eden Harness!”

“So I've got to fight you naked?” asked Twilight. Fingerbang voraciously nodded. “What purpose does that serve?”

“Put on a show for my future hubby. It's not every day he gets to see his wife fighting herself completely nude.”

“He's not your… You know what? Fine. One weapon, no interference, naked. Where do we wanna do this?”

“I have the perfect venue!” giggled Fingerbang. “It'll be so romantic! I'll text you the deets when everything is ready. Just be sure to be fashionably late, bring your plus-one, and the party is BYOB. Cheers!”

Fingerbang vanished in a flash, leaving Aria and Twilight alone to strategize.

“Think you can beat her?” asked Aria.

“Allow me to answer your question with one of my own,” said Twilight. “How do you defeat someone who is your equal in every possible relevant way?”

“Uh… I dunno, how?”

“Watch and you'll find out. Fapper, you there?”

“Yup. Just finished with the school,” said Spike. “Twi, you do realize that this is insane, right?”

“Of course. But my hands are more or less tied. Don't worry, I have a plan,” said Twilight. “I need to head back home. Spike, where are you currently?”

“Flying up 3rd Street,” he said. “Why?”

“Did you pass the deli?”

“I’m coming up on it. Why?”

“Alright, I’m gonna have to eyeball this one,” said Twilight. She put a finger to the center of her harness, enveloping her whole hand in purple light. “Aria, stay limp, count to three, then grab and hold on.”

“What’re you about to do?” asked Aria.

“There’s no time. Limp, three seconds, hold on tight. Got it? Good.” Twilight flicked her hand forward, wrapping Aria in purple light. Before Aria could do anything to react, she felt herself vanish in a flash.

And, all of a sudden, she was falling.

“Shit! Fuck, okay.” Aria tried to keep herself from tensing, remembering what Twilight had said. “One… Two… Three!”

She smacked into something hard and metal, but managed to wrap her arms and legs around it. Aria looked up, relieved to be holding on to Bad Dragon. Spike fumbled slightly through the sky, but managed to remain airborne, despite the sudden, unexpected new weight.

“Damn it, Twi, a bit of warning would be nice,” complained Spike. “What the hell are we doing, anyway?”

“Keep patrol around the city. I’ll have Computer send you locations of interest,” said Twilight. “I want you to evacuate them, in case Fingerbang arbitrarily decides I’ve broken some sort of rule and decides to blow up city hall or something. Computer, send out the list.”

“As you wish, Archmage of my Burning Loins.”

“These nicknames are fucking terrible,” grumbled Aria. “So we evacuate the buildings. What then?”

“Then, nothing, really. You just wait for me and Fingerbang to fight,” sighed Twilight. “You cannot risk the safety of the Ponyvillians by interfering. Just observe.”

“Twi, I’m gonna ask you straight up,” said Spike. “Do you know what you’re doing?”

The communications array went uncomfortably silent for several moments, during which point Spike became increasingly concerned for the success of this mission.

“You’re killing me, Twi,” sighed Spike. “Alright, I got your list. We’ll evacuate, then start on a plan.” Spike flew to a nearby skyscraper, setting Aria down carefully before stepping out of his suit. He put his iGlass onto his face, one finger to the communicator in his ear. “Twi, I’m gonna lose you for a bit. I need to hack into the building’s intercom, and you’ll cause interference.”

“Alright. Be in touch.”

Spike tapped and swiped through the air, using Bad Dragon as a computer. The OS and processing power of Bad Dragon was nowhere nearing a substitute for the equipment he’d have back at Cumworld, but it was more than sufficient for his purposes here.

“Lemme ask you something,” said Aria. “Why do you think Fingerbang is obsessed with you like that?”

“Does it matter?” asked Spike.

“Yeah, it does. It was also rhetoric, because I already know the answer.”

“Oh yeah? Do tell.”

“She’s a perfect copy of Twilight, right? For the most part. Aside from the homicidal, psychotic, random blowing shit up, they’re pretty much one-to-one,” said Aria. “So her love or whatever, it’s gotta come from some place. It’s gotta come from Twilight.”

“What?”

“She misses you, jackass. She wants you back.” Aria took a seat, wishing she didn’t have to be a part of this. She didn’t like being caught in the middle of this strange, potentially-dangerous love triangle. “Think about it. A maniac clone of herself shows up, and, all the heroes out there, she goes for you. Why?”

“Because she knew I’d help?” suggested Spike.

“And Sunset wouldn’t have? She went for you. Not me, not Sunset, not S.E.X.Y. Just you. She was trying to impress you with Computer. She wants you back.”

“Look, I think you’re severely misunderstanding the nature of our breakup,” said Spike stiffly. “It wasn’t a ‘let’s stay friends’ breakup. It wasn’t even a ‘follow me on Twitter’ breakup. It was a ‘fuck you, you piece of shit, I hope I never see you again’ breakup. Which, by the way, I deserved. But don’t get things twisted. If Twilight wants me back, I’ll do No-Fap November.”

“For the genius of the team, you really are a fucking idiot,” groaned Aria. “You two are both mega-smart, porn-obsessed nerdy superheroes. You will never find someone else that gets you as well as she does. You two are made for each other.”

“No offense, Aria, but I didn’t realize that it was any of your damn business what my love life is like.”

Uncharacteristically, Aria managed to keep her anger in check. Truth be told, she understood Spike’s annoyance. She hated being controlled, no doubt a trait caused by her prolonged exposure to her former villainous partner. So, instead of firing back, she sympathized with Spike’s frustrations.

“Look, you’re my friend, supposedly, and I’d be a shit friend if I let you ignore your shot at happiness,” said Aria. “But, to be fair, you’re right. It’s none of my business. So I’ll shut my mouth and let you live your life.”

“I appreciate you trying to look out for me,” said Spike. “But chasing something I can’t ever have again is just gonna make me feel like shit. You know how they say it’s about the journey not the destination? Well, that’s some bullshit. The only thing worth caring about is where you end up. And I’m gonna end up alone. That’s okay. I’ll live. I’ve moved on, she moved on, and I’d rather keep the past in the past. I would think that a former supervillain would get that.”

“Alright, dickhead, you’ve made your point. Hurry up and evacuate these buildings so we can get this whole thing over with.”

“Alright, the hack is complete. Delivering message now.”

Twilight murmured to herself, running through her calculations in her head. She was wholly focused on her project, tuning and fidgeting with some strange device. When she was finished, she slid over to Computer, pressing the metal sphere to his console.

“Adjust power,” ordered Twilight. “Raise it to sixty percent of maximum capabilities.”

“Raising to sixty percent. Warning: sixty percent can prove fatal to human life, my goddess.”

“Luckily, this isn’t for a human. Better make it seventy-five, just to be safe.”

“As you wish. Power adjusted.”

“Thank you, Computer. You’re so good to me.” Twilight lifted her device and teleported it away for safekeeping. “I’m a lucky gal to have someone like you around to help with things.”

“I can make you feel even luckier, sexy.”

“Ooh, is that so?” giggled Twilight, sitting herself down on Computer’s main console. Now that she was alone, she was happy to indulge her fantasies without fear of being judged. “What are you going to do to me?”

“Initiating Dirty Talk Scenario #266… First, I’m going to lay you down.”

“Mh-hm…?”

“Then, I am going to spread those long, luscious legs of yours.”

“Mmm…” Twilight closed her eyes, moaning wistfully, letting her hands wander. “What else?”

“Then, I’m going to take out my—”

There was a flash of light, bringing with it three unexpected guests. Twilight quickly yanked her hand from its little exploration and powered off Computer before he could really get going. Her little moment of enjoyment was immediately spoiled by the arrival of Fingerbang. By her side stood Aria and Spike (without his suit), both of them bound with fluffy pink handcuffs that, if Twilight knew her town as well as she liked to believe, were stolen from the sex shop downtown.

“Well, well, well,” said Fingerbang. “If it isn’t the Miley to my Nicki! I take it you’ve had ample time to prepare for your inevitable demise?”

“She captured you?” asked Twilight with an accusing eyebrow.

“It was this or she blew up a homeless shelter,” said Spike flatly. “Which would you have done?”

“Can we hurry this shit up?” said Aria. “Because she’s been pinching my ass on-and-off for twenty minutes, and I’m feeling my self control slip away.”

“Alright, Fingerbang. I’m ready,” said Twilight. She tapped Eden, teleporting her eskrima dicks to her hands. “Let’s get this over with.”

“Ah, don’t forget about rule number three!” laughed Fingerbang. “Strip, baby.”

“Ugh… Fine.” Twilight quickly unstrapped her Eden Harness, then set it down onto Computer. She blushed, but pulled off her shirt and skirt. Spike tried to look everywhere except Twilight as she unstrapped her bra and quickly stepped out of her panties. She slipped Eden back on, ready to fight.

“Better?” asked Twilight. Fingerbang licked her lips seductively, giving off a minxy wink.

“Much, love. Come on, come on, come on! Let’s go!” said Fingerbang. “Let’s do this!”

She grabbed Spike by his cuffs, who in turn grabbed Aria, and dragged them over to Twilight. Fingerbang leaned in close, then licked the side of her face. As Twilight recoiled in disgust, Fingerbang tapped the middle of her harness, teleporting the four of them with a flash.

As soon as the teleport was concluded, Twilight backed away, tripping over something behind her. Further investigation showed that the thing that Twilight had tripped over was a woman, topless and with several dollars stuffed into her panties.

“What the hell?” Twilight looked around, simultaneously confused and disgusted at where she found herself. She was sitting on a stage with several long, glittering poles for the various performers to use in their acts. Terrible, trashy club music blared from speakers scattered throughout the club, and dozens of women—in various states of undress—lay unconscious on the floor. Surrounding the stage were clubgoers, partiers, and more strippers, all of them knocked out prior to their arrival.

“Surprise! Isn’t this just the best?” cackled Fingerbang. “Once I kill you, we’ll be right in a strip club for Spikey’s bachelor party! If we hurry things up, we can be married before the day is up!”

“Do I get a say in things?” asked Spike.

“Oh, baby, your mouth is gonna be focused on things so much more important than talking soon, why bother with it now?” Fingerbang cackled maniacally. “Hope you’re hungry, stud, cause I’m on the menu for tonight, if you know what I mean.” Fingerbang gave an exaggerated wink and nudged Spike with her elbow. “Get it? I mean I’m gonna have you eat me out tonight.”

“Y-yup, got it, thanks.” Spike’s face was simply radiating heat and embarrassment. “Y’know, you don’t have to explain that stuff. We get it.”

“Yeah, hi, quick question,” said Aria. “Can I go home? I don’t really have a dog in this race, plus work is piling up back home, and I might’ve left dinner in the oven, I’d really just rather go check. Honestly, you don’t even have to bring me home. Just send me anywhere that’s not here.”

“But we need an audience, sweetie! Besides, when I’m done tearing this cunt apart… Well, we’ve had our date, haven’t we? That threesome is deffo still on the table.”

“Okay, I’ve been trying my best to stay professional,” growled Twilight. “But, truth be told, I’m starting to get annoyed. I’m the Flicker, the sole protector of the city of Ponyville! I’ve put countless villains behind bars! My name is an omen in the criminal world! I am not a joke, and I will not be ignored!” She twirled her eskrima dicks, then adopted her battle stance. “So, if you truly want to kill me, I suggest you start taking me seriously.”

“Oh, baby, I don’t wanna kill you. I’m just going to. You know, if we would’ve just had the orgy I suggested, this wouldn’t be happening,” said Fingerbang. “But you’re right. I have been joking around quite a bit.” She shoved Aria and Spike off of the stage, cracking her neck idly. “I assure you, when you come between me and my man, it’s all business.”

Without warning, Fingerbang aimed a shot at Twilight, who quickly teleported out of the way of the resulting explosion. Twilight closed the distance between them and took a swipe for her clone’s head; Fingerbang dodged flawlessly, sending a punch rocketing into Twilight’s gut. She pushed Twilight back, then swung a fierce kick into the side of Flicker’s head, knocking her to the ground.

“See? This is what I’m trying to make you see, Spikey! She’s not worthy!” shouted Fingerbang. She teleported to Twilight’s side and gave her a firm kick in the ribs. “She’s weak. Frail. She doesn’t love you like I do. Why defend her? Why won’t you just take me?”

“Because… You’re a fucking psycho…” panted Twilight. She teleported up into the air, falling down onto Fingerbang and bashing her head with both eskrima dicks. Twilight leapt back to her feet, then took to the offensive. She battered Fingerbang with her dicks, catching her in the ribs four times before sweeping her legs out and dropping her to the ground. Fingerbang responded quickly, pointing both fingers at Twilight’s head and firing. The explosions knocked Twilight back, stunned her, but didn’t do much damage.

Fingerbang swept Twilight’s legs from underneath her, then teleported on top of her chest. She wrenched an eskrima dick from Twilight’s hand and swung it into her face. She battered Flicker once, twice, three times before grabbing her by the throat and squeezing.

“That’s not our Twilight,” muttered Aria, a pit forming in her stomach. “Spike, what do we do?”

“Fingerbang, you know why I defend her?” said Spike suddenly. “Why I won’t take you?” Just as he hoped, Fingerbang loosened her grip and turned to face him.

“What is it, sweetie? Mama’s a bit busy at the moment,” she said, as if she wasn’t currently strangling someone to death.

“I won’t take you because you want me. I won’t take you because you don’t care about anything except screwing. Because you may look like her, sound like her, think like her, but you’re not Twilight!” Spike stood up, trying to capture as much of Fingerbang’s attention as possible. Judging by the loosening of her hands around Twilight’s throat, it was working. “And you trying to woo me is fun and all, but it’s bullshit. I don’t love Twilight just because she’s beautiful or smart. I love Twilight because she’s real. She’s my friend. And I don’t want the whacky, crazy, fuckable chick that you are. I want the real Twilight. The one who told me to go fuck myself when I ruined her life. She’s the one who gets me. Not you. The real Twilight.”

“Spike…” gasped Twilight.

“You… You don’t mean that,” hissed Fingerbang. “You’ll love me! Just wait and see, once this bitch is good and dead, you’ll love me!”

“Hey… Aria… Remember when I asked you… That question?” said Twilight, her lights starting to fade.

“Yeah, how do you beat someone who’s your equal,” said Aria. “How?”

“It’s… simple…” Twilight tapped the center of Eden, teleporting her device into her hand. She slapped it against Fingerbang’s chest, then pushed her off. As Fingerbang hit the ground, the device activated; The outer shell burst, releasing several electrodes which latched themselves onto Fingerbang’s body, each node connected to wires feeding back into a box about the size of a carton of cigarettes. Before Fingerbang could even consider peeling them off, they turned on, sending hundreds of thousands of volts of electricity through her body. She twitched and spasmed, letting out an ear-piercing scream before dropping to the ground motionless.

“It’s simple,” repeated Twilight. “You cheat. You cheat like it’s your job.”

“She dead?” asked Aria.

“No. Just knocked out, and she won’t stay that way for long. I’ve got to get her some place secure. So, thanks for your help, but I’ve got things from here. I can teleport you back to Cumworld now.”

Aria stood up, using her powers to grow her wrists until the handcuffs snapped right off. She ripped off Spike’s restraints, then helped him up and over to Twilight. They grabbed each other’s hands, preparing to jump back to the neighboring city. As Twilight reached for the center of Eden, Spike pulled his hand away.

“Twilight… I meant everything I said there,” said Spike. He squeezed his eyes shut, unable to look Twilight in the eye. “I do love you and I do miss you and I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness for the stupid shit I pulled, but I’m more sorry about than anyone has ever been about anything. I’ve never loved anyone like I loved you and I doubt I ever will. You completed me, Twilight, and I fucked that up for us. I totally get that I deserve everything you send my way, and I wouldn’t even think about asking you to take me back.” Spike sighed, running a hand through his hair tiredly. “But… Can we at least be friends? I really do miss you.”

Twilight remained silent for a moment, as if she didn’t hear Spike speak at all. When she finally snapped back to reality, she pressed her hand to Eden’s center. There was a small flash and a cherry red lipstick appeared in her hand. She pulled off the top and, none too gently, grabbed Spike by the arm, scribbling digits onto his forearm.

“The way I see it, if we intend to cure these damned Parasites, we’d be better off working together,” said Twilight, trying to conceal how happy she was for Spike to ask that with a phony, artificial cough. Spike stared at the numbers, slackjawed. “If you ever want to help me on some research, I suppose you could give me a call. You know, for research. And, maybe, if we’re not too busy… A drink?”

Spike grinned, then hooked arms with Aria. Twilight pressed her palm to the center of Eden, preparing the teleport. She leaned in close and kissed Spike on the cheek, smirking as she imagined his blush, then waved her hand forward. Purple light shrouded Aria and Spike, and, after a second of glowing (during which Aria teasingly and approvingly jabbed Spike in the shoulder), they vanished.

Author's Note

S.E.X.Y. OFFICIAL TRADING CARDS

07

The Fapper

Real Name: Spike
Age: 23
Height: 5'1"
Weight: 150 lbs
Power: Genius intellect, high-tech battle armor
Affiliations: S.E.X.Y., Flicker

Strength: 6/10
Speed: 7/10
Stamina: 7/10
Endurance: 8/10
Intelligence: 15/10

A promising robotics student and brilliant hacker, Spike was convinced that he was destined for an uneventful life of computers and scrap metal after high school. That was until he met the beautiful Rarity, a fellow Xenic who captured his heart and stoked his ambitions. When Rarity revealed herself as the villainous Seducctubus, it was ultimately Spike who defeated her and banished her to The Gloryhole. Now alone and weakened due to The Seducctubus' Dick Parasites, Spike decided to use Rarity's betrayal as inspiration to defend the world from evil. He created a high-tech suit of battle armor called Bad Dragon, adopted the moniker The Fapper, and, after a relatively short stint of crime fighting with fellow Xenic and (at the time) lover The Flicker, Spike met Sunset Shimmer and helped form the crime-fighting alliance that would come to be known as S.E.X.Y.

Jailbreak

Adagio slipped through the cold, grey halls, making no effort to be stealthy. She had already neutralized every single threat that Las Pegasus Supervillain Secured Housing could have offered her, and, even if she hadn’t, Sonata was by her side with her breasts at the ready to get them out of any sticky situations. One such sticky situation presented itself as soon as the duo infiltrated the supervillain prison facility: the guard patrol. Adagio and Sonata easily defeated all four guards, leaving one conscious for Adagio to manipulate with the power of her dance. The sinister duo of the Hip-No-Tits and Titty Titan, along with their new friend David the Prison Guard, made their trip through the cell block a walk in the park.

“Dagi? What’re we doing here?” asked Sonata. “I’m getting tired…”

“Shut up, idiot,” said Adagio. “Just keep an eye out and shoot anyone that steps too close to their bars.” Most of the prisoners were long asleep by that point, but Adagio was a woman of caution. She wasn’t about to take any unnecessary risks.

“But, Dagi—”

“What is your one and only job, you brainless bimbo?” snarled Adagio. Things got silent for a moment while Sonata took in a deep breath and tried not to let her feelings get too hurt. This was nothing new for her. Ever since she had met Adagio, she had become accustomed to this sort of verbal abuse. Still, she couldn’t shake herself from the Hip-No-Tits, even if she wanted to.

“To do as I’m told,” droned Sonata, having heard that particular order barked at her more times than she could count.

“And what is it that I told you to do?”

“To shut up, keep an eye out, and shoot anyone that steps too close to their bars.”

“Good little slut. Now keep that cockhole of yours shut. This may be the most important step in our little quest.”

Adagio, Sonata, and the mind-controlled guard made their way through the block, to the mid-security housing. The place where heroes stored the middle-tiered villains, the ones that weren’t quite harmless but could also be contained with relative ease. Near the end of the block, at Cell 443A, Adagio stopped her party. She grabbed the baton from her mind-controlled slave’s belt and tapped on the bars firmly.

“Fuck off, pig,” came a voice from inside. “I’m trying to sleep.”

“If that’s the case, I’ll come back in the morning,” said Adagio. She could hear scrambling, followed by a body hitting the ground, then a fit of mad crawling and clawing to the bars. Rainbow Dash, wearing a standard-issue orange jumpsuit, pulled herself up using the bars of the cell, her face beaming out sheer shock and awe.

“B-boss! You came back for me!” said Rainbow.

“I did,” said Adagio. “I don’t make a habit of leaving my belongings out and about for anyone to just come along and pick them up.”

“Boss, I’m so, so sorry. I fucked up, letting that Traitor beat me. I—”

“I have no time for whiners, Dash,” said Adagio dryly. Rainbow stopped her cascade of apologies immediately. “I never intended for you to beat them. Just feel them out.” Adagio tapped the guard, then pointed to the cell. The guard lurched forward and unlocked the door. “Come on out, Rainbow. You’ve got work to do.”

“Yes, ma’am!” Rainbow pulled open her cell and stepped out, then immediately tore off her jumpsuit. She ran a few laps around Adagio, stopping in front of her and dropped to one knee in front of her. “What can I do for you?”

“There are a few locations that I need scouted. Places that would take me months for me to reach, but should only take you a week or two,” said Adagio. She pulled out her phone and handed it to Rainbow. “Go to all of them, search the inside, and return to me with a report.”

“Um… Boss?” Rainbow scrolled through the phone, confused. “These places are kinda far. Like, different continents far.”

“Is that an issue?”

“N-no, not at all. It’s just… I don’t even know where some of these places are.”

“Then I suggest you get yourself a map,” said Adagio. She dropped down, caressing Rainbow’s face almost lovingly. “I need you to do this for me, Rainbow. You’re doing important work for me. I cannot hope to succeed without your help. Just this one task, Rainbow, and then you will get your reward.”

Rainbow slowly looked up, nodding her agreement. Adagio stood up and began to sensually gyrate her hips. Rainbow’s eyes glowed faintly orange for a moment before fading back to their original magenta color. Rainbow stood up, cracked her back, then bolted out of the prison block in a flash.

“Are we done?” asked Sonata.

“No. We’ve got one more stop,” said Adagio. “Come along, Sonata. I don’t want to be here any longer than necessary.”

Adagio strolled down the maximum security block, which was mostly uninhabited, save for one cell at the very end. She arrived there, using her arm to keep Sonata back from potential harm, then rapped on the bars with her baton.

“Dinnertime already?” giggled a voice from the cell. A figure slid forward, grabbing the bars as best as she could with her unique restraints. The index and middle fingers on each of her hands were bound together with titanium caps, which were to stop her using her powers. She reached through the bars, swiping at Adagio. “Ooh, someone looks tasty. If this is what prison food is like, I need to get locked up more often.”

“Hello, Fingerbang,” said Adagio. “Do you know who I am?”

“I was thinking dinner and a show?”

“My name is Adagio Dazzle. They call me the Hip-No-Tits.” Fingerbang’s eyes went a bit wider, her grin more pronounced. “I’m a dancer of sorts. Would you like to see me perform?” Fingerbang nodded, licking her lips in anticipation. Adagio passed her baton to Sonata, then began to gyrate her hips. She reached out with her influence, tugging at Fingerbang’s mind with her swaying hips. She twirled and spun, punching a hole into Fingerbang’s psyche.

Fire. Flames, incredibly wild and impossibly hot, licked at Adagio’s flesh. She gasped, batting at the flames that never seemed to die. This was impossible. Adagio should’ve had complete control over Fingerbang’s mindscape. She should’ve been able to tame the raging inferno, yet it didn’t respond to her powers.

A wild, manic cackle floated from the heart of the flames, immediately distracting Adagio from her attempts at escaping the heat. She fought through the fire and the flames, her eyes going wide at what she saw. Sitting in the source of the incandescent blaze, surrounded by hellfire and brimstone, was Fingerbang, who didn’t even seem to be breaking a sweat.

“How…?” gasped Adagio, the fire growing to be too much for her. “Your mind…”

“I know,” giggled Fingerbang. “It’s a real clusterfuck, isn’t it?” Fingerbang laughed wildly as the flames rose higher and higher, consuming Adagio entirely in a raging inferno.

Adagio gasped, breaking off her connection with Fingerbang. She batted Sonata away when she tried to help her up, having fallen to the ground at some point. Adagio panted, wiping the sweat from her brow, unable to stop looking at Fingerbang.

“Your mind… It’s broken,” panted Adagio. “What in the world…?”

“Yeah, I know. It’s a mess, isn’t it?” said Fingerbang, tapping her forehead. “So, now that you’re done molesting my subconscious, what can I do for you?” The smart thing to do would have been to leave, to return to base and devise a secondary plan. Yet, for some reason, Adagio remained, attempting to bargain with a woman who had fire in her mind.

“I… Ahem. I want your help.”

“With what?”

“Doesn’t matter. What I need from you is simple,” said Adagio. “I need you to do what it is you’d normally do: cause havoc and slow down the heroes. All that you’d change is that you report back to me, and run a few errands on my behalf.”

“And why would I do that?” asked Fingerbang.

Adagio shook her head, still off-balance from her journey into Fingerbang’s mind. She stood up, rubbing her head gingerly. She stepped towards Fingerbang, looking her directly in her eyes.

“Because, next year, I will be ruling the world, with or without your help,” said Adagio. “The only impact your assistance would have would be determining if I’ll be finished in six months or three, and which side of those bars you’ll be on when it’s all said and done.”

Fingerbang reached forward, grabbing Adagio by the throat with her six usable fingers. Sonata prepared to fire a blast from her boobs, stopped by a single gesture from Adagio.

“Stand down, Titan,” ordered Adagio. “I’ve got things in hand.”

“Are you threatening me? Please, please, please tell me that you’re threatening me,” said FIngerbang. “Because, let me tell you something, I’ve had a bad week and I’ve been dying to alleviate some stress. Which, by the way, is hard to do with these damned locks on, but I’ll settle for snapping your neck here and now.”

“If you kill me, you’ll never see the outside of that cell,” promised Adagio. “You will die here, or get moved to an even shittier hole in the ground. But, if you join me, not only will you be free, but I will present to you Twilight Sparkle.” That seemed to catch Fingerbang’s attention, and she loosened her grip slightly. “You want to be the one true Twilight, don’t you? You want the Fapper to be yours? Join me, do as I ask, and I promise you, you will have your every desire in this life.” Fingerbang made a quick judgement call, releasing Adagio from her grasp. She grinned, then grabbed the bars of her cell.

“Well, if that’s the case, why don’t you let me out of here?” said Fingerbang. She licked the bars that contained her. “Let’s get to work.”

“David, unlock her cell,” ordered Adagio. Her prison guard slave lurched forward, then unlocked Fingerbang’s cell. Using a different key, he removed the restraints from Fingerbang’s hands.

Fingerbang rushed past him, pressing a finger gun to Adagio’s forehead. Again, Sonata tried to intervene, and again, Adagio stopped her with a wave of the hand. Fingerbang cackled madly, then pointed another finger at Sonata.

“Now, explain to me again why I shouldn’t just kill you and Boobs McGee over there and make my escape?” asked Fingerbang.

“Because then you’d have to fight Twilight Sparkle by yourself, and we saw how well that worked last time,” said Adagio. “Because then you’ll have to take on all of S.E.X.Y. without any protection or guidance. Because it’d be easy and boring and you can’t stand that. So put down your hand and get ready to go to work.”

Fingerbang chuckled, applying more and more pressure onto Adagio’s forehead for several moments before dropping her hands. She strolled around Adagio, pausing to inspect Sonata. Fingerbang wolf-whistled before quietly swinging around the guard and wrapping her arms around his throat.

“So, I’m concerned,” said Fingerbang. “I am concerned that joining up with your little team of villains would cause me to lose a sense of individuality.”

“I won’t try to stop you from doing anything it is you want, so long as it doesn’t put me in danger,” said Adagio. “But property damage, arson, vandalism, whatever your particular fetish is, it’s your business.”

“So, say I wanted to kill poor little David over here,” said Fingerbang. “You’d be okay with that?”

“I truly couldn’t give less of a bother.”

“Wonderful! But, you know… It’s just not the same if he’s not aware of what’s going on. Could you maybe… Release him from your little spell?”

Adagio twisted on her heel, swinging her hips and severing the connection she formed with the guard. He blinked, then gasped, trying to fight his way out of Fingerbang’s suffocating gasp.

“Let me go!” he shouted. He clawed at Fingerbang’s hand, to no avail. Fingerbang wrenched down pressure, stopping whatever it was David would’ve said next.

“Shshshsh! Quiet, David, quiet,” said Fingerbang. “Just calm down, this will all be over soon.”

“P-please, let me go!”

“You know, I would normally be quite obliged to let you go, but, if you recall, I asked you something, too. I asked you specifically not to bring me carrots with dinner. I’m allergic to carrots. But you brought it anyway.”

“Can you wrap this up?” asked Adagio. “We’re on a schedule.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure! Just tell poor little David here that he’s gonna die because he can’t follow simple fucking instructions!”

Adagio stared blankly at the guard, the fear etched on his face almost enough to make Adagio pity him. She shook her head, walked over to him, and placed her hand against his cheek in a gentle display of tenderness.

“You shouldn’t have brought her carrots,” said Adagio. “Sorry, mate, but she’s going to kill you now.”

“Oh my god, p-please don’t kill me!”

“Here it comes…” hissed Fingerbang. She ran her tongue up his cheek then smashed her fist against the top of his head, knocking him unconscious. “Idiot. Really thought I would do it. So, now that we’ve dealt with that… What’s next?”

“Sonata. The tracker,” ordered Adagio. Sonata reached beneath one of her breasts and retrieve a small disk, about the size of a dime, with a blinking red light. Adagio took it and stuck it Fingerbang’s chest. “This device allows S.E.X.Y. to track us. They stuck it on Sonata thinking I wouldn’t notice, but I did. I’ve sent her away from HQ to preserve my secrecy, but now I need her.”

“So you gave it to me, so I can be the scapegoat,” said Fingerbang. “Makes sense.”

“Free the lower-tier villains here. Let them back on the streets. We want S.E.X.Y as distracted as possible. Then, head off to Baltimare and wait for S.E.X.Y. to come find you. Your teleportation harness is downstairs in the evidence locker.”

“And if you need to contact me?”

“I have ways of getting in touch.”

Fingerbang smiled, then blew a hole in the ground with a single finger-blast. She fired again into the wall, creating an escape for Adagio and Sonata. Fingerbang bowed, then dropped down to the floor beneath her.

“See ya later, Hip-No-Tits!” she called as she ran. Adagio smirked at the following explosions as Fingerbang freed the prisoners.

“Come on, Sonata,” said Adagio. “Time to go home. We’ve got a lot of things to do, and we’ll need a good night’s rest before we do.”

“What do we have to do tomorrow?” asked Sonata. Adagio chuckled, beckoning for her subordinate to follow her through the exit that Fingerbang had made for them.

“We’ve got some more associates to recruit.”

Author's Note

S.E.X.Y. OFFICIAL TRADING CARDS

08

The Titty Titan

Real Name: Sonata Dusk
Age: 22
Height: 5'6"
Weight: 160 lbs
Power: Breast-based energy blasts
Affiliations: The Hip-No-Tits

Strength: 7/10
Speed: 5/10
Stamina: 6/10
Endurance: 7/10
Intelligence: -1000/10

Sonata Dusk was a stripper down on her luck and with no direction in her life, up until she met the dastardly villain The Hip-No-Tits. Low on money, ambitions, and friends, Sonata Dusk devoted her time to aiding The Hip-No-Tits in her conquest for power. Lacking in the brains department, she depends on her leader for her survival and will follow her for as long as she is needed.

Backstories III: Return of the Back

“This stuff is fucking rancid,” complained Aria, pinching her nose to help combat the stench. “What was that asshole’s name again?”

“Richard Fontina,” sighed Sunset. “AKA The Great Smegma.” She twisted the dildo lock, then descended down the ladder that led to the S.E.X.Y HQ. Aria followed behind her, nearly gagging on the horrid aroma of the semi-solid white goop that clung to her skin and suit.

“That was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen.” Aria shuddered as a particularly large droplet of The Great Smegma slid down her back. “And I’ve seen Spike’s internet history.”

“Yeah, well, sometimes a hero has to get their hands dirty.” Sunset tried not to think about the disgusting nature of their latest apprehended villain as she unlocked the entrance to the HQ proper. As soon as the door opened enough to allow her in, she slid inside, her sights set on the washroom.

“Uh, what about me?” asked Aria. “You don’t really expect me to sit here covered in this shit for half an hour, do you?”

“You’re welcome to join me,” said Sunset. “The shower’s definitely big enough, we can share it if you want.”

“Won’t that be weird?” said Aria, though the intense stink that was assaulting her nose was making it hard for her to care. “I mean, weirder than our daily lives?”

“It’s only weird if you make it. It’s not like it means anything. It’s just efficient.” Sunset stalled at the washroom’s entrance. “You in or out?”

“Hell yeah, I’m in. This stuff smells like cheese and piss,” gagged Aria. She followed Sunset through the door and into the impressive washroom. It was quite large, with a big communal shower section near the corner, far big enough for Sunset and Aria to comfortably bathe without bumping elbows. Across from that was a large tub, which was essentially a glorified pit in the ground, about the size of a small swimming pool. Immediately, Sunset zipped down the back of her costume, pulling the whole thing off. Aria did much the same, pulled her scrunchies out of her massive pigtails, and joined Sunset as she started up the hot water.

“How do we afford all of this stuff?” asked Aria.

“Government funding. We get a pretty hefty check every month to pay for expenses and stuff. A sort of thanks for protecting the city,” explained Sunset. She passed Aria a washcloth and soap, then immediately went about shampooing her hair. The two showered in silence for a minute before Sunset looked up to notice Aria staring expectantly. “What?”

“Well, every time I’ve ever been hanging out with one of you guys alone, without the rest of the team around, you tell me your backstory,” said Aria, trying to scrub the vileness of the villain out of her skin. “I figured that was just a thing you guys did.”

“Huh. Is that so?” Sunset shrugged, but seemed fine with the assumption. “Alright, well, what do you wanna know?”

“Your powers are super vague,” said Aria. “What exactly can you do?”

“Well, technically, I don’t have any powers right now,” said Sunset. “Well, I’m stronger and faster than humans, like most Xenics, but I don’t have any special traits like you or Fluttershy anymore. My rope and whip are what make me special.”

“You’ve got some stupid name for that whip, don’t you?” sighed Aria. She took the shampoo from Sunset and lathered up her insanely long hair.

“The Bronze Draining Switch of Might. BDSM, for short.”

“Yup. Stupid name, just like I thought.”

“Hey, go easy. It’s a gift from my mom,” said Sunset. She sighed wistfully, remembering the moment her mother gave her BDSM. It was one of the few good memories she still had of her mother. “The rope’s from my dad.”

“Your mom gave you a whip?” asked Aria.

“Well, it makes a lot more sense with some context. You see, there are three basic categories of superheroes. There are heroes that get their powers from biological means, things that happen to your body, like you and Streaker. There are heroes that get their powers from technology, like Spike and Twilight. Then you’ve got heroes like me. Heroes who get their powers from magic.”

Aria, who was just about to step forward to rinse the shampoo out of her hair, couldn’t process what she just heard and did a few things simultaneously. She let the soap slip out of her hand while stepping forward, which had the effect of her sliding forward and falling onto her face. Sunset laughed, but stooped down to help her friend up from the floor.

“Fuck, that hurt,” groaned Aria, clutching her head. “Also, magic?! Like abracadabra, alakazam, hocus fucking pocus?”

“Uh… kinda? That’s sorta racist, in a way. I’m a half-witch,” explained Sunset. “And going ‘abracadabra’ to a witch is like saying ‘ching chong bing bong’ to a Chinese girl.”

“How the hell are you half a witch?”

“My dad is a wizard and he had me with a demon, so I’m half-witch, half-demon,” said Sunset. Aria’s jaw went slack, which made it clear that Sunset had to start her explanation over. “Okay, so, my dad is a wizard, a dark mage. And witches and wizards normally get the bulk of their power by making a deal with someone or something. Gods or spirits or, in my dad’s case, demons. A succubus. So, when taking his mage exams—the test that lets him practice magic—he summoned my mom. He offered his soul in exchange for power, which she agreed to with one caveat: he had to take her out on a date first. And she liked him, he liked her, they tied the knot, and nine months later, a little Captain Kink popped out.”

“So… You’re a succubus?” asked Aria. This was, in a word, concerning. The only other time she’d ever heard of a Xenic being related to a succubus was Spike’s evil ex-girlfriend. Aria wasn’t necessarily afraid of Sunset somehow giving her Dick Parasites or anything of the sort, but the connection was certainly worth raising an eyebrow.

“Well… No, not really. Succubus is more of a profession than a species. If I wanted to be a succubus, I’d have to get my soul back, cast it to hell, and give it to Morrigan, the archdemon of succubi, then kill myself with a cursed dagger.”

Aria stared blankly as Sunset as she rinsed the soap from her body, rung out her hair, then left the shower area to begin drawing a bath. When the tub was full of steamy water, Sunset lowered herself down, letting out a contented sigh.

“Oh, I just realized, I never answered your question,” said Sunset. “The rope is magic. It knows what I want it to do and it does it. Can’t be cut or untied unless I tell it to. The whip drains people of their sexual energy and deposits it into me. That’s my demon half coming through. It’s why I get all dom-y and sadist-y whenever I fight.”

“Interesting. Now back the hell up!” said Aria. “You have to get your soul back?! Back from where?! You don’t have a soul?! You’re leaving out so many important details!”

“Yeah, you’re right, sorry. I sold my soul to my mom for my powers, she fucked me over and now I have no magic and no soul. But, you know, it’s no big thing. I make do with my rope and BDSM.”

“Yeah, but magic, though,” said Aria. She washed the shampoo out of her hair and went to join Sunset in the bath. She lowered herself into the steamy water, pleasantly surprised as the heat of the water seemed to work out the knots in her back, soothing her overworked muscles. “Oh, damn, that’s good… Don’t you miss your powers? If I had magic, I’d be alakazaming my way through life. How do you come back from that?”

“Well, I don’t really need it,” said Sunset with a shrug.

“You don’t need magic?”

“Well, I managed to kick your ass without it.”

The room went silent for a bit, much to Sunset’s amusement. She grinned with self-satisfaction as Aria lowered herself further into the water, as if hoping to disappear.

“Bite me…” mumbled Aria, almost up to her nostrils in water. “I’m gonna drown myself now…”

“Okay, no jokes… I kinda like not having magic. Anything that reminds me of my mom… I’d rather not deal with it if I don’t have to,” sighed Sunset. “We didn’t exactly part on the nicest terms.”

“How so?”

“I told her that I wanted to be a hero. Good intentions plus magic equals a bad time for most demons. She disowned me, stole my soul and my magic, and kicked me out. Thank God I met Spike when I did. He helped me find this place, and a team. A home and a family.”

“I know that feeling,” sighed Aria. “I wasn’t exactly BFFs with my mom. I had some issues with her, we used to argue for hours. The last time I spoke to her, I told her that I hated her. That was years ago.” Aria leaned back, laying her head against the wall of the tub. “She probably thinks I’m dead by now…”

“You should talk to her,” said Sunset. “I don’t know what happened between you and her, but at least she didn’t steal your soul and swear to kill you for opposing her.”

“Hm… I dunno if I’m ready for that. Not even just because of our argument, I just don’t know if I’m ready to explain my job to her.” Aria definitely didn’t want to see her parents again, not yet. More so than that, she wasn’t entirely certain if her parents would want to see her again. She knew that she wasn’t the best daughter, even when times were good. How would they react to her now that she was a runaway? “How do you even explain to your parents that you use your ass to beat up bad guys?”

“Heheh. I guess you have a point. We live a weird life,” chuckled Sunset.

“Yup. Just a bunch of freaks.”

“It's great, isn't it?”

The two shared a fistbump, neither quite sure how things had turned out this way. Not even a full year ago, Captain Kink and The Ass Master were arch-nemeses. Now, they were sharing a bath and reliving their troubled pasts. Times had certainly changed for them both.

A shrill, shrieking alarm rang throughout the base, which elicited a sigh of annoyance from Sunset. She pulled herself out of the tub, grabbing towels and robes for the two of them.

“Well, duty calls,” said Sunset. Aria hopped out, dried herself off, and wrapped herself with the fluffy pink robe. She followed Sunset out of the washroom and to the main chamber of the Cumworld base. Around the “War Map” were the remaining members of S.E.X.Y. Fluttershy sat in Pinkie’s lap on a nearby couch while Spike paced around the map, his iGlass on his face to better work through the upcoming mission.

“Alright, kids, let’s get to work,” said Sunset. “What’s up?”

“Alot, apparently.” Spike looked up, putting two and two together. “Were you two showering together?”

“Keep it in your pants, Fapper,” said Aria, long since used to Spike’s perverted tendencies by this point. “What’s the mission?”

“Sorry, you’re right. We’ve had a break out,” said Spike. “Las Pegasus Supervillain Secured Housing had a security breach.”

“Define ‘security breach’,” said Fluttershy.

“Everyone. Some of them seem to be laying low, so we can’t worry about them,” said Spike.

“Shit. Even our friend from Ponyville?” asked Aria.

“Especially our friend from Ponyville. I don’t know how she escaped her restraints, but this seems to be her doing. But we can’t do anything about her right now. No clue where she is and, currently, we’ve got bigger fish to fry.” Spike tapped on the map, which zoomed out from Canterlot City to depict the entire country of Equestria. “We’ve got three threats active right now that we want to deal with. In Las Pegasus is a villain by the name of Shokugo. You might remember her, Sunny.”

“Ugh. If I never heard her name again, it’d be too soon,” groaned Sunset. “Tentacle slime doesn’t wash out easy. But she’s dangerous, so she’s mine.”

“I’ll be with you for transport and assistance. Here in Canterlot, we’ve got two threats, on opposite ends of the city. One is unknown, but not considered especially threatening, so that’ll be you, Pinkie.”

“Woo-hoo!” Pinkie leapt up, hoisting Fluttershy up on her shoulder. Hymen blushed, fading from view for a moment before reappearing. “I’ve been itching to get my hands dirty!”

“Pull your punches, Gao, we want them knocked out, not dead,” ordered Sunset. Pinkie saluted, her grin wide and everpresent. “Go get your mask and get ready to work. It’s been a while since your last mission, and the last thing I need is for you to be rusty.”

Pinkie set down her girlfriend, then cartwheeled across the base to her room, slamming the door shut behind her. Fluttershy chuckled slightly, then went back to serious mode.

“What about me and Fluttershy?” asked Aria.

“Well, Shy will be going with Pinkie,” said Sunset. “As for you—”

“Actually, Captain, I need them both to go deal with the other threat,” said Spike. Fluttershy tilted her head in confusion. “It’s Evie.”

Fluttershy slapped her forehead firmly, disappearing from view. Aria stood there, waiting patiently for Hymen to reappear and explain what was going on. Instead, Fluttershy reappeared with an annoyed glare and a large laser pistol.

“Well, let’s get this over with,” she sighed, rolling her eyes. “Ass Master, suit up.”

Author's Note

S.E.X.Y. OFFICIAL TRADING CARDS

09

Captain Kink

Real Name: Sunset Shimmer
Age: 24
Height: 5'6"
Weight: 155 lbs
Power: Energy absorption, magical rope and whip
Affiliations: S.E.X.Y.

Strength: 8/10
Speed: 7/10
Stamina: 7/10
Endurance: 8/10
Intelligence: 6/10

The daughter of a dark wizard and a succubus, it seemed that Sunset Shimmer was destined for a life of evil. Yet, despite all odds, Sunset decided to use her skills and powers for good. This put her at odds with her mother, a fearsome and powerful demon who refused to be opposed by her half-breed daughter. She took Sunset's powers and her soul, swearing that they will only be returned if one of two conditions are met: Sunset must either submit to her mother's will or slay her, one of the most powerful demons of Hell, to reclaim what was hers. Sunset refuted both options and was banished from her home as a teenager. After wandering alone and beginning a career in crime-fighting, she met with a young, directionless Fapper, and, together, they banded together to create the superhero alliance that would become known as The Squad of Enhanced Xenic Youths.

Extra Virgin

“Mh-hm…” Fluttershy dropped down, touching the ground. She inspected her fingers, the substance from the floor glistening in the light. “We're definitely going the right way.”

“Is that what I think it is?” Aria shuddered as her eyes went from the little pool of glistening fluid to the trail of it leading them deeper into the city. Based on the road they were on, their mark would bring them downtown.

“Depends on what you think it is.” Fluttershy had adopted a much different persona than usual. She was gripped with determination, and she was totally focused. Aria was surprised when Fluttershy had given out the order to move out, even more surprised when Fluttershy managed to refrain from stuttering even once.

“Well, Xenics have a thing for sex, so… sploosh?”

“Ew, no. It's oil,” said Fluttershy. “Body oil. She must be excited…”

“Okay, don’t start that pronoun game bullshit,” groaned Aria. “Just so I have to ask you who the hell ‘she’ is.”

“You know how Sunset had you and Hip-No-Tits? And how Twilight has Fingerbang? Even you and Hip-No-Tits now. Every hero has a nemesis. Someone whose world revolves around making their lives difficult.” Fluttershy turned the corner, heading onto Main Street. “Well, she’s my nemesis. Evelyn Olive Oyle, AKA Extra Virgin.”

“Oh, but you can just call me Evie! All of my friends do.”

Fluttershy groaned at what she saw. Standing just a few yards from the heroes was a girl, a bit shorter than Aria. She wore a dark green sling bikini which barely covered even her modest bosom. Her long, blonde hair was damp, as if she had just climbed out of a pool. Whereas Fluttershy was openly scowling by this point, Evie still forced a smile.

“Oh, you just can’t let me go, can you?” asked Evie. “Once you got a taste of me, you couldn’t quit!” She seductively licked her lips on the word “taste”, which visibly annoyed Fluttershy.

“I’m plenty over you, thank you very much,” said Fluttershy, tuning up her laser pistol with an audible hum. “I’m not the one who broke out of prison and travelled across the country to bug their ex. Plus, if you remember properly…” Fluttershy aimed her pistol at Evie’s head. “I broke up with you. Hands up, Extra Virgin. I don’t wanna hurt you.”

“Still got feelings for me?”

“No. I just don’t feel like mopping you off the pavement.”

“Wow. That got intense,” said Aria. “Hey, I’m Ass Master. Kinda just a spectator here. Don’t really wanna stick my nose in this relationship problem.”

“We barely had a relationship,” said Fluttershy, rolling her eyes. “We went out for three weeks when I was fighting with Pinkie, and my heart wasn’t in it. She’s been stalking me since high school.” Fluttershy pulled the trigger halfway, causing the barrel of the gun to glow with emerald light. “Don’t make me ask again, Evelyn. Put your hands up.”

“Oh, sweetheart, I’m sorry it had to turn out this way.” Evie licked her lips and cracked her knuckles. “You’re gonna regret breaking up with me. Especially now that I’ve finally developed.” She cupped her meager breasts in her hands seductively. “Jealous? You could’ve had all of this, but no. You just had to make up with that stupid, annoying, fat—”

Fluttershy pulled the trigger four times, four green beams of light cutting through the air and boring baseball-sized holes into the villain’s flesh. Evie let out a screech and dropped to the ground in agony.

“Whoa!” Aria grabbed the gun from Fluttershy’s grasp. “Holy shit, Hymen! Calm down!”

“Don’t call her fat,” said Fluttershy stiffly. “And give me the gun back. She’s not done yet.”

“Maybe you should cool down first.”

“Ugh… Geezy, Shy, fuck!” Evie slowly rose up, breathing heavily. Aria watched in awe as Evie’s skin seemed to melt slightly and the holes began to fill in with thick, clear liquid. The liquid solidified and darkened to match Evie’s tan skin. “I got a few other holes we can play with, you don’t have to make any more.”

“I hate when you do that. A.M., my gun, please?”

“Uh… The fuck?” asked Aria, handing the gun back. “She’s… She’s the oil! She’s made of the stuff?”

“Excellent detective work, Ass Master,” said Extra Virgin. “Now, if you excuse me, it’s about time we got wet and nasty.”

Evie grabbed a handful of her midsection and tossed it as hard as she could. It shot forward like a bullet, headed directly for Fluttershy’s chest. With a wave of the hand, a shimmering pink barrier of light blocked the shot. Fluttershy flicked her wrist and sent the blob right back to Extra Virgin, who reincorporated it into her own body.

“How the hell do we hurt her?” asked Aria. She enlarged her firsts, though she wasn’t sure what she’d do with them. If Extra Virgin could shrug off laser fire, then Aria would need something a bit stronger than her hands. “My usual solution to my problems is a big fist, so…”

“That’s what she said, boom!” said Extra Virgin, which had the effect of irritating Fluttershy even more. “I bet you know a thing or two about fisting, huh?”

“Uh… Is she normally like this?” asked Aria.

“Yes. She’s a Virgin Mary, just like me. She copes with her situation a bit differently than I do,” sighed Fluttershy. “I don’t think about sex. She thinks about nothing but sex.”

“If everything is super-sexual, then nothing is.” Extra Virgin melted her legs into a mass of clear, glistening oil, which allowed her to slither across the ground smoothly. “Oh, speaking of super-sexual, I’m supposed to ask how The Fapper is doing. The psychopath who broke me out of jail told me to ask or else she’d blow me…” Extra Virgin paused, winking seductively. “Up. Seriously, she’s super spooky and I’m afraid what will happen if I don’t ask, is he okay?”

“He’s fine. Where’s Fingerbang?” demanded Aria.

“I dunno. She just threatened to blow me up and left. She told me to go cause the heroes some trouble, so that’s exactly what I did. Didn’t hurt that Shy has been dying to see me. Ain’t that right?”

“Oh my God… Can we not do this?” asked Fluttershy. “Pinkie’s out on a mission and I can’t be there to look out for her because I’m stuck her dealing with you. So, could we, pretty please… Maybe save this for next time?”

“Eugh. Are you seriously still with that… That… Hold on, I’ve got something for this…” Extra Virgin rubbed her chin in through for a bit. “Oh yeah! That bubblegum bimbo!”

“Are you proud of that one?”

“Sorta.”

Fluttershy aimed her gun and fired another four shots at Extra Virgin, blasting her legs to a pool of oil. Extra Virgin swore as she re-solidified herself and returned to her full height, glaring daggers at Fluttershy.

“Seriously, though, what do you see in her?” scoffed Extra Virgin. “She’s the most obnoxious girl I’ve ever met.”

“Not counting yourself, I’m guessing,” noted Aria. Extra Virgin glared, holding a fist out at Aria; The first fired forward as a blob of oil, which Aria blocked with her massive palms.

“Rude. I’m not obnoxious, I’m just annoyed. I mean, you would be, too, if you were the hottest girl in school and your girlfriend left you for some cow that she’s gotta roll in flour and look for the—”

Fluttershy fired another shot, this one hitting Extra Virgin directly in the head. Her skull burst into oil before reforming, with the villain noticeably shaken by the experience. EV clutched at her head, clearly not fond of being shot in the head.

“If you say another word about Pinkie, you’ll wish that Fingerbang never let you out of jail,” said Fluttershy. “If you’re not going to come along easy, we’re going to have no choice but to use aggressive force.”

“Seriously, can you just give up?” sighed Aria. “I don’t really feel like dealing with this right now, not with Hip-No-Tits on the loose. I’ve got better shit to do. This isn’t worth my time, and I’m pretty sure you don’t want this fresh ass-whooping, so why bother fighting? You know you’re not winning, right?”

“I knew from the start that I wouldn’t be getting off of this. But, if it means I get to spite Pie, you can beat me off all day,” said Extra Virgin. She gave an exaggerated wink. “I bet you know a thing or two about beating off, eh?”

“What’s your problem with her, anyway?”

“Don’t get her started…” said Fluttershy, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“What’s my problem with her? What’s my problem?! I’ll tell you my problem!” huffed Extra Virgin. “Besides the fact that she’s annoying and I hate her, and besides the fact that she took my spot on S.E.X.Y., besides all of that… She blew my back out.” Again, EV gave an exaggerating wink and elbow-nudge. “Except it wasn’t fun, she actually really fucked up my back really badly. She slammed me into the concrete, broke my back and paralyzed me from the waist down!”

“Alright, a few things. First of all, she’s not annoying. She’s just very enthusiastic,” said Fluttershy. “Second of all, you were never even a candidate for S.E.X.Y. You failed pretty much every single test involved in joining. You weren’t even in the running.”

“There’s a test?” yawned Aria. “Captain Kink just kicked my ass and made me join.”

“Third, you had it coming. You called me some very harsh names when I broke up with you, and Pinkie doesn’t like to see me cry. You should’ve known better. And, finally, she did not break your back. She just gave you a little stinger.”

“I was in a wheelchair for several days, Shy!” shouted Extra Virgin. “It’s a miracle that I recovered! The doctors said I’d never walk again!”

“No. WebMD said you’d never walk again.”

“What do you think ‘MD’ means?”

“How do we beat this idiot?” asked Aria. “Can I punch her? Will that work? Cause I just wanna punch her. Really hard.”

“Ha!” laughed EV. “Hard…”

“I doubt you’re strong enough to really hurt her. Her body doesn’t get damaged the way a normal person does. Unless we can somehow nullify her powers, the best we can hope for is to beat her down until she doesn’t feel like getting back up. We might be here a while.”

“Hey… She’s a Virgin Mary, right? And she gets around it by making sexual things the norm,” said Aria. “But, like, what if you made her think about it?”

“What do you mean?” asked Fluttershy. Aria shifted the mass in her hands to her butt, turning to show her sizeable posterior to her crime-fighting partner.

“Concentrate on my ass,” said Aria. “But, y’know, imagine I’m in cargo shorts.”

Fluttershy nodded as she understood Aria’s plan, placing a hand to her temple. She caught an ample eyeful of Aria’s abundant ass, then concentrated on the villain before her. She reached out with her mind, her concentration unbroken.

“I need some time,” she whispered. “Keep her busy.”

“Say no more.”

Aria rushed forward, shifting her mass back to her fists and taking a swing at Extra Virgin. EV liquified, letting Aria’s fist pass through her middle before reforming and securing the Ass Master in place. EV worked in three quick, strong punches before Aria lifted her up and slammed her onto the concrete, reducing her to a puddle. EV slithered away, re-solidifying and firing another jet of oil. Aria hit the deck, letting the oil soar over her head. She leapt back up and charged EV again. This time, she feinted a right hook while shifting the mass from her left hand to her left foot and using it to sweep Extra Virgin’s legs out from under her. Just as she thought, EV was too distracted by the potential punch to avoid it, and she hit the ground with squeal.

“Ugh… You’re a rude hero,” said Extra Virgin, pushing herself back to her feet. “You picked apart my weakness before I monologued about how my powers work.”

“Is that how that works? More of that stupid Hero Etiquette, I guess,” sighed Aria. “Sorry for fucking it up, I’m still learning all these dumbass rules.”

“You didn’t start off as a hero, did you?”

“Well, I was more of a henchman, really. But yeah, former bad guy. Used to work with the Hip-No-Tits.” Aria returned her extra mass to her butt, placing her hands on her hips. “Do you know where she is? Her and I have some unfinished business.”

“Even if I did know where she was, which I don’t, I wouldn’t tell you!” said Extra Virgin. “Besides that breaking Villain Code on like six different accounts, I think Fingerbang might kill me.”

“Well, I guess we’re done here.” Aria didn’t really expect that to work, but she was still a bit annoyed that she had no real lead on Adagio. “Can we wrap this up, Hymen?”

“Ready when you are,” said Fluttershy. Aria nodded, then stepped out of the way to give Fluttershy a clear shot; Hymen closed her eyes, sending an almost-invisible wave of pink energy that passed over EV. As soon as it did, the villain began blushing profusely. The image of Aria’s round, jiggly butt permeated her brain, becoming too much to ignore. She tried to liquify and slither away, but her body remained solid. Just as the heroes thought, she was powerless.

“Wow… Your ass is… Fucking perfect,” said EV breathlessly. “Like, you beat me, and I get that I’m going to jail, but… Can you sit on my face?”

“Ew. I’m not gonna do that.” Aria shuddered slightly. “Nothing personal, just not into… That. Besides, wouldn’t losing your virginity get rid of your powers forever?”

“I honestly don’t care. Just sit on my face, I’ll give up evil forever.”

“Uh… Hymen?”

“Don’t do it. She doesn’t really mean that,” said Fluttershy. “I messed with her head, so that’s not real consent. Besides, taking a villain’s powers away for good is heavily frowned upon. We would only ever do it if Evie was a threat to the entire world, and she’s not.”

“C-can I… Can I at least touch it…?” begged EV. “I just… I need to touch it?”

Aria gave her partner a concerned look, which Hymen returned. After a moment, Fluttershy shrugged, then pulled out a communicator to contact HQ.

“If you don’t mind…” sighed Fluttershy.

“Ugh… Fine.” Aria turned, rolling her eyes as Evie approached. The villain grabbed a great big handful of Aria’s butt, letting out a nervous giggle. She slapped Aria’s ass, watching it jiggle for a second before the Ass Master turned, her eyes beaming out fury. Aria grew her right fist to full size and punched Extra Virgin square in the face, knocking her out.

“I’m pretty sure you didn’t have to do that,” said Fluttershy. “I have cuffs for her in my pocket…”

“I said she could touch my ass, not slap it,” growled Aria. “Is that a problem?”

“N-no.”

“Good. Let’s get the hell out of here.”

Three weeks later, in an undisclosed location

Adagio sat in her room, her legs crossed and her eyes closed. She needed to remain totally focused. She had learned how to push reality away for times like this. She rejected all noise, all sight, all sensation outside of her own mind. Her minions knew better than to disturb her at a time like this, and so she had complete silence to meditate in.

A weight suddenly lowered itself into Adagio’s lap, breaking her concentration. The Hip-No-Tits opened her eyes, scowling at her fellow villain. Directly in her face was the bright light of the Eden Harness. Fingerbang leaned forward and licked Adagio’s face, annoying the Hip-No-Tits to no end.

“Hello, sexy,” giggled Fingerbang. “What are you getting up to?”

“I’m a bit busy currently,” said Hip-No-Tits. “I presume you had something you needed to bring to my attention?”

“Always business with you. Can’t I just come in and hi to my favorite sexy seductress?” Fingerbang laughed, running her hands down Adagio’s sides. “I just wanna talk.”

“Fingerbang… What do you have for me?”

“Fine. Be that way.” Fingerbang teleported back, laying out on the floor and flipping idly through a copy of Playboy magazine. “I’ve been blowing shit up for about a month, and that bitchy, alternate version of me has been chasing me the whole time, so that’s been keeping her busy. Those S.E.X.Y. guys have rounded up pretty much all the mid-card guys we let out. Time’s up, Hip-No-Tits. Whatever you’re gonna do, you better do it soon.” She pointed a finger gun to Adagio’s head threateningly. “For your sake, I hope you’re ready.”

“I’m waiting on Dash,” said Adagio calmly. “Be patient.”

As if summoned by her very name, a blue streak rushed into the room, stopping before Adagio. She held a long, rectangular package, about her height. She stood before Adagio, bowing before her and offering the package forward.

“I’m back, Boss,” said Rainbow, panting tiredly. Fingerbang lowered her magazine slightly to gawk at the Streaker’s naked form, laughing at what she saw. “What’s so funny, huh?”

“You’re hot,” giggled Fingerbang. “We should get together sometime…”

“Uh… I’m here for the Boss.”

“You’ve done incredibly well, Rainbow.” Adagio stood up, carefully accepting the package. She opened it, retrieving the staff it contained. It was a long staff made of gold, with the end shaped to resemble a large, thick phallus. Hip-No-Tits grinned, feeling the staff’s power resonate throughout her.

“I d-did good?” Rainbow looked up and smiled almost nervously at Adagio. “Do I get my… Ahem. My reward now?”

“Yes, Rainbow. Go get ready.” Adagio couldn’t help but smirk. “I’ll be there shortly.”

“Awesome!” Rainbow leapt up and ran to prepare herself to reap the fruits of her labor. Adagio made no effort to follow her, simply clutching the staff and grinning. Fingerbang stood uncharacteristically quiet, simply observing until Rainbow was gone.

“What is that?” she asked. “It’s incredibly powerful. Definitely not from this dimension. What is it?”

“This… This is what I’ve been waiting for, Fingerbang,” laughed Adagio. She sat back on her bad, closed her eyes, and began meditating with the staff in her hands. “Go warm Rainbow up for me, tell her I’ll be there shortly. Tomorrow… Tomorrow we prepare.”

“Prepare for what?” asked Fingerbang. She sounded suspicious, cautious, and not at all like she usually did. She studied Adagio’s expression carefully, trying to figure out just what the Hip-No-Tits had planned.

“Her return,” said Adagio simply.

Author's Note

S.E.X.Y. OFFICIAL TRADING CARDS

10

Extra Virgin

Real Name: Evelyn Olive Oyle
Age: 25
Height: 5'
Weight: 130 lbs
Power: Bodily matter transformation
Affiliations: Fingerbang, The Hip-No-Tits, Hymen & Hypergao (It's complicated...)

Strength: 7/10
Speed: 7/10
Stamina: 5/10
Endurance: 8/10
Intelligence: 3/10

Evelyn Oyle is Extra Virgin, a Virgin Mary with the ability to turn any amount of her physical form into body oil, as well as the ex-girlfriend and arch-nemesis of S.E.X.Y.'s hero Hymen. Despite being nemeses, Extra Virgin's ill-will is not directed at Hymen, rather, at Hypergao. Bitter high school rivals, Extra Virgin has done everything from pull pranks, commit felonies, and even date Fluttershy, all to spite Hypergao. The three have an unsteady, psuedo-friendship, with Pinkie unwilling to hold a grudge and Evelyn unable to let her's go. One day, Extra Virgin vows to have her revenge on her long-time enemy...