Fast Times at Canterlot High

by ArtieStroke

Rating: teen
Tags: Principal Celestia, Slice of Life, Vice-Principal Luna, Equestria Girls, Spike (EqG), Sex, Sunset Shimmer, Main 7 (EqG), Profanity
Length: 2384

A series of vignettes set around the lives of Canterlot High School's staff, students, and surrounding populace

Life's got its ups and downs- and everything in between. Not everything has to be magical monster fights and students turning into demons. I mean, that still happens SOMETIMES, don't get me wrong- I'm probably the authority on that. But those stories aren't really meant for here.

Here is where girls hang out and talk about their lives- have slumber parties and argue and maybe sometimes make out a little as we try and discover ourselves. Here's where we get a break.

These are the fast times of Canterlot High.

Rate T for teens being teens. Semi related to Sapphires and Sunset Shimmer Knows Kung Fu

Published 2017-03-19 21:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-09-01 11:21:39 UTC

"Raise a glass to freedom..."

"He aims his pistol at the sky-"

"WAIT!"

Pinkie Pie bawled outside the theater, a sniffling Fluttershy in her arms and a "crying but not trying to show it" Rainbow Dash with an arm around her shoulder.

"You see- this is why! This is why I don't pay attention in history class!" Rainbow said, her lips quivering as she put on a brave face. Sunset rolled her eyes at the dramatic display.

"B-BUT THEY WERE FRIE-E-E-E-ENDS!" Pinkie sobbed, pulling a tissue out of nowhere and blowing her nose.

"It certainly was a dramatic irony," Rarity said, wiping a tear from her eye as she smiled, "Burr finally started to take chances and be belligerent- only in time to estrange his oldest friend and lead to both of their downfalls."

"Personally, I think Hamilton wasn't that great a person." Twilight said. Rarity gasped.

"Darling, did you even watch the same play we were?"

"I mean- yes, the play was good," Twilight started, putting a single finger into the air, "But I've done plenty of my own research on the history- and honestly, I'm more inclined to believe that Hamilton manipulated Burr into the dual out of petty revenge. A last act to sully Burr's political career forever."

Sunset shivered a little- now, why did THAT thinking sound so familiar, she wondered sarcastically to herself.

"Still sounds like a load of hooey to me," AJ piped up, "If they were friends they shoulda just talked it out better'n that- that Burr fella even said that duels were dumb!"

"That's part of the drama, darling," Rarity said, "And besides, if everyone were clear with their words and talked everything out, the entirety of the teen drama genre would collapse. Even we've been subject to some of that, with- uh..." she cut herself off there, eyes flicking over to Sunset. For her part, Sunset was just glad she didn't say "no offense" again.

AJ frowned, "Well... y'all ain't wrong there."

"I kinda just want to punch T Jeffs in his stupid teeth," Sunset said, "Why didn't Hamilton just deck him once? The dude was the most fighty person I've seen."

"Probably because Jefferson in real life was a lot more subdued and socially anxious," Twilight offered.

"Well, yeah- but stage Jefferson was such an insufferable jerk! Just- just one good punch, that's all I ask!"

"I wonder if Principal Celestia would let us put on a student performance?" Rarity wondered. Pinkie suddenly popped up behind her, throwing her arms around Rarity.

"Oh my GOSH that would be AMAZING! You would make those costumes so good, Rarity!"

Rarity's cheeks colored, waving Pinkie off, "Oh, pish-posh, it wouldn't be anything, darling," she grinned a little, "Although, I've been meaning to do something with bustle pads for a while now~"

"How about we put a pin in that and get some food- that theater grub was way too expensive, and I'm starving," Sunset said. The rest of her friends nodded in agreement, picking themselves up off the theater steps and heading down the sidewalk. Sugar Cube Corner awaited.

Edition Subtraction

"I can't believe you're actually using fifth edition for this," Shining Armor said, disapprovingly as Twilight thumbed through her O&O books. She merely rolled her eyes in response.

"Shining, please- 3.5 is a jumbled mess of too much crunch and unbalanced splat books. Fifth edition is a much more streamlined system that makes much more sense to use."

Shining gasped, "What?! No it's- I mean- come on, Twily, you're practically the Princess of Math- Lady of the Spreadsheet, Queen of Numbers. You can't HONESTLY tell me you don't like having a more structured ruleset instead of all this... this fluff!"

"Crunch is fine," Twilight said, "When it's actually implemented well instead of making the game a chore."

She looked up at her brother, a wicked grin on her face, "If I wanted a system to use with a roll for every conceivable situation, I'd just be using GUTS."

Shining was aghast. Appalled. A clamoring sweat beaded down his brow. This... this was evil! This couldn't be his sister-

"I mean at least I'm not using 4th edition."

"Oh, yeah I'll concede to that."

Or nevermind.

Everyone is Gay for Applejack

Ah, slumber parties. The point in any young girl's life where secrets are revealed, memories shared, and truths reveal themselves.

And as Pinkie Pie munched on a slice of pizza, talking through dough and cheese with a single accusatory finger pointed towards Sunset, she asked the single most important question of the night:

"Whr rrs ur hrm'n guh r'knr?"

Sunset blinked, cocking her head to the side and grimacing as specks of pizza flew from Pinkie's mouth.

"Wha?"

Swallowing the pizza in one gulp, Pinkie repeated the question, "Who was your human gay awakening, Sunset?"

Sunset's eyes widened slightly, a small blush forming on her face, "Uh... can I pass on this one actually? I'll take a double dare, seriously."

"Oooooh, now you HAVE to tell!" Pinkie said, bouncing on the bed in excitement. Rarity smiled mischievously.

"My my, Sunset Shimmer at a loss for confidence? This is quite the scandal~"

"I just don't want to make things too awkward here," Sunset said, trying to brush the question off, "You know, being a sleepover and all."

"Is it someone in this room?"

Sunset's face burned redder, as all her friends drew impishly closer.

"Oh. My. God." Rainbow said. Twilight blinked, her mouth a small "o" as her glasses started to slip from her face.

"Is... is it..?"

Sunset looked over at her girlfriend, her grouchy expression softening, "Sorry, Twilight- as romantic as I wish I could be to you right now, you were a bit of a latecomer to the group."

"Aww," Twilight said, only a little disappointed. Sunset put a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

"Awwwww~," Pinkie grinned, before pointing once more at Sunset, "But cute couple stuff doesn't answer the question! Submit to the tribunal, Sunset! The world must know!'

"If it's any reassurance," Rarity said, twisting a lock of hair in her finger, "I'm in a similar boat as yourself."

"How 'bout we all clear the air here and just say it at the same time," Applejack offered, leaning against the foot of the bed. Everyone looked at each other, murmured various agreements, and collectively took a breath.

"On three?" Sunset asked. Pinkie nodded.

"Okay. One, two, three-"

And, save for the girl herself, everyone in the room chorused "Applejack" at the same time.

Silence hung in the air, and after a moment AJ's shocked expression hardened into a glare she shot over at Rainbow Dash.

"Y'all ain't fuckin' funny."

"Hey!" Dash threw her hands up, "This isn't me! I mean- you already know about that time in fifth grade!"

Applejack held up a finger to argue, but her voiced died quick. She did remember fifth grade- much as she tried to forget it. So much flannel...

Pinkie burst out laughing, hugging a pillow as she kicked at the air.

"Oh my god! Does that mean AJ's the hottest one here then?"

"Hold on, now-"

Rarity nodded, "Her charm may be rugged, but I'm not disinclined to agree."

AJ quickly looked at all her friends, as each of them mulled over their collective origins.

"I mean- you've all seen her working at the Acres, yeah?" Sunset asked. A chorus of agreements met her.

"It... might be one of the reasons I go over to help as often as I do..." Fluttershy meekly admitted, earning a sick high-five from Rainbow Dash and an overly eager nod from Rarity.

"Yeah- first time I was over there before the music showcase was what did it for me," Sunset scratched the back of her head, "She was in the barn lifting a bale of hay, her shirt was all tied up and just... damn."

Sunset's eyes were a mile away, lost in fond memories.

"Is that why you were actin' funny all day?" AJ quirked an eyebrow, "I just thought ya weren't used to physical labor."

"Applejack, AJ, my dude," Sunset reached out and put a firm hand on her shoulder, "Even before we were friends, you had to notice these sick guns," she said, flexing in her pajamas.

"I guess that's a fair point..."

"Applejack," Rarity looked at her, her expression bordering between shocked and disappointed, "Do you honestly think so little of yourself that you wouldn't believe another person would find you to be attractive?"

"I mean, I ain't that dumb," AJ rolled her eyes, "But findin' out you're the reason all your friends seem to have an appreciation for the female form is a might bit shockin'."

"I actually said Gillian Anderson," Twilight piped up, and Sunset patted her on the hand.

"I know, Twilight."

"She's really great in X-Files, Sunset, you'd like her."

"I know, Twilight."

Author's Note

For those curious enough to ask, AJ's response was Winona Ryder.

Initiative Bonus

"This is total bullcrap!"

"The dice don't lie, Rainbow Dash," Twilight said, pushing her glasses back up her nose, "Though I'm starting to think they just really don't like you... maybe you wanna switch them out?"

"Heck no!" Rainbow said, snatching up the red D20, "Red is like the second most awesome color! It's perfect for trying to punch a hole through some dude's chest!"

"'Ceptin' that the last three rounds y'all've been missin' every time," AJ said, "Are ya sure y'all are addin' up all your bonuses?"

Rainbow stuck her tongue out at AJ, "Yeah, yeah- I'm doing the stupid math- strength and profici-something."

"Shouldn't you be using your dexterity for that?" Sunset asked, "You are a monk, there's supposed to be bonuses applied to using dexterity to attack."

"First of all- nerrrrrrrrrrrd," Rainbow started.

"You're the one playing with us!"

"-And SECOND of all, how is DEXTERITY supposed to make you better at punching?"

"Well, as explained in the PHB," Twilight said, "Monks aren't about raw force- they selectively target their opponent's weak spots via pressure points, precise blows, and the like- kind of like a rogue's sneak attack."

Rainbow blinked once. Then twice.

"That's dumb. This is dumb!"

"Dexterity OP, need nerf," Pinkie giggled, spinning her dice on the table all during the argument.

"Maybe you would've been happier with a fighter or some other martial class?" Twilight asked. Rainbow rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, but fighters don't even GET a dice for punching! Which is ALSO dumb!"

"And here I thought in the land of fantasy we could explore personas different to our usual roles," Rarity said, "You have to admit, Rainbow Dash- you do an awful lot of punching in the real world. Maybe try something new?"

Rainbow just grumbled, sitting back down in her seat, "Whatever- using dex that makes it ah... 15."

Twilight brightened, "That's actually enough to get past the bandit's AC! Roll for damage."

Rainbow grinned, scooping up her D4, "Alright! Come on baby, let's get maximum damage!"

The plastic pyramid hit the table, bouncing a few times. Everyone held their breath.

"1"

Rainbow grit her teeth for a whopping two seconds before grabbing the table and flipping over.

Author's Note

Minimum damage sucks ass.

Contractions

The stare-down was intense. Fluttershy took refuge behind Rainbow Dash's hair, while the sporty girl herself looked from Rarity, to Applejack, and back-and-forth a few more times with a manic grin plastered to her face. Pinkie had popcorn- of course she had popcorn. Why wouldn't Pinkie have popcorn right now? Twilight was thankfully less aware of the sudden appearance of popcorn, as she and Sunset, too, were frozen by the spectacle in front of them.

Rarity took in a breath, steeling herself.

This was her moment.

"You. All. Are. Not."

A wind blew, fluttering the napkins on top of the cafeteria table. It seemed like the whole room was quiet, the entirety of the student body hinging on this one event- this battle of the century- nay, the millennium.

Rarity was so confident in her win, but she felt a cold spike of fear as Applejack calmly licked her lips, before finally uttering her response.

"Y'ain't."

The cafeteria BURST into noise, the students crying in unison at Applejack's absolute slaying of Rarity. She nearly collapsed on the spot, gripping the cafeteria table behind her as she staggered, the word piercing her like a wound through the chest. Everyone crowded behind Applejack, lifting her up and passing her along the student body like a rockstar, basking in the simple truth of her wonderment.

Southernisms were an art. And Applejack- well... she was an unparalleled genius in the craft.

Author's Note

This is stupid but also you can pry my southernisms and unnecessary contractions from my cold, dead, fingers.

Turnabout

"Anyone else getting tired of magical shenanigans?"

After her friends each contributed into a resounding "Yes", Sunset nodded and slumped against the second pure white wall of nondescript space they had found themselves in over the last couple months.

"Yeah, me too."

"It's like every other week at this point!" Twilight said, throwing her hands up in the air, her hair a frizzled mess, "I just wanted to win a parakeet. Why can't we have a parakeet, Sunset? Why aren't we allowed to have nice things?"

Sunset sidled up to Twilight, putting an arm around her shoulder.

"Come on- we've been through tougher stuff and made it out alright- evil mind controlling sea creatures-"

"That was just you guys."

"-I'm not done- peer pressuring principals, misguided camp counselors, one incredibly giant woman-"

"Heh." Rainbow Dash laughed.

"-Gross. Oh, and of course the worst and most dire threat of them all."

Everyone looked towards Sunset, who stared off into space for about a second before continuing.

"Every single one of my friends forgetting who I am and all the good times we had together and treating me like absolute garbage."

Turning to look over in the rest of the group's direction, she emotionlessly tacked on, "No offense."

Everyone else looked away, in various states of sheepishness. Rainbow Dash coughed into her fist. Pinkie grimaced.

"Been saving up for that one, huh?"

"Oh you have no idea. Today's been..." Sunset's mind recoiled at the memories of Ring Toss, "...rough."