We Must F*** to Survive!

by Sunny

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Comedy, Royal Guard, Princess Celestia
Length: 2491

Everypony knows alicorns are immortal, right? Well. Yes. From a certain point of view.

Everypony knows alicorns are immortal, right?

Well...yes. From a certain point of view. Specifically, the secret to alicorns alicorn youth and vitality? Sex. And Luna? She hasn't had a proper partner in 1,000 years.

Done for FoME's Imposing Sovereigns Contest.
(Cover Art was commissioned for this piece and created by Aquatic Sun)

Published 2017-03-20 04:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-03-20 04:30:01 UTC

In Which Princess Luna Gets a Boo-Boo

Canter Castle was the shining jewel of Equestria’s capital. It was a testament to arcane and architectural artifice, and stood in proud defiance of the laws of physics, as they appeared to have taken a vacation during its construction.

Gleaming marble walls and well-tended greenery presented a picture of regal calm and tranquility, and in the center of it all, Princess Celestia held the Solar Court.

Tranquility that was shattered as the doors blasted open, smashing the walls and knocking one free of a hinge to sag dangerously over the gathered nobles below, not that their loss would be any great tragedy.

Few eyes paid more than scant attention to the hazard to life and limb, for they were fixated upon the bawling form of Princess Luna as she came dashing in, interrupting the finance minister in regaling the Princess of the success of Tax A-401.

“As you can see, by tying the increases in tax to inflation, the debt burden of the Apple Family[1] has not decreased in moons. Specifically -”

Alas, the exact number of moons was never to be known[2], for the aforementioned Night Princess had distracted all with the unbridled power of the Royal Canterlot Voice.

[1]The Apples lived to complain about their taxes. Long ago, Princess Celestia had tried a debt jubilee. Deprived of their primary means of recreation, one branch of the Apples had gone stir crazy and burned down half of Old Baltimare. As the saying went, ‘An Apple subjected to crushing debt burden is a happy Apple’.
[2]It was 30.

“Tiiii-aaaa-haaaaaaah!” she wailed disconsolately, and princess skidded to a stop at the foot of the throne and held up a foreleg. “We got a booo-hoo-boooo!”

On her trembling limb lay a small cut, while Luna blubbered away with tear-drenched muzzle.

The court, understandably, was utterly bewildered and slightly alarmed that this should justify interrupting tax discussion. Alarm began to win the joust when eyes turned to Celestia realized she had gone still and now sported a wide-eyed expression of shock.

Eyes began to narrow as muzzle pulled backwards, and like that Princessly paralysis broke as Celestia announced, “Court is adjourned for the rest of the day. An urgent matter has just come up that requires my full attention.” Her head turned down towards the side of the dais she perched upon. “Raven, please have Sergeant Parts send to the Royal Apartments immediately.” She descended from the dais and stopped before her sister, raised her leg to cradle Luna’s wounded one. “Little sister, shh. I know just what is ailing you. We should discuss this in private. Can you please come with me?”

Luna was enveloped in a hug, as levitated handkerchief wiped at her face, then Celestia turned to urge her forwards and out the back passageway. The two sisters made their way through the castle, eventually arriving at their private quarters, and shortly thereafter were ensconced within the snug comfort of Celestia’s sitting room.[3]

“Now, Luna,” elder sister began. “I believe I know why you are upset. You are concerned because your cut did not heal in moments, is that correct?”

Younger sister nodded her head, and punctuated it with a tearful sniffle and a small flap of her wings. It was pathetically adorable. Somewhere, a kitten died of envy.

[3]In the old days, she had also had a Standing Room to remind her of the days she had joined a Wandering Herd and grazed off the land. Celestia had gone through a hippy phase in her adolescence and it took centuries before nostalgia gave way to embarrassment and she got rid of it.

Celestia sat there a moment, head bowed in contemplation. Finally…”Tell me, Luna. What do you know the source of alicorn vitality?”

Luna thought but a moment. “We are alicorns, sister. Our innate magic is what gives us our resilience and endless youth.”[4]

Celestia shook her head. “It’s sex, Luna,” she said matter of factly. “You and I are still alive because of sex.”

“Th...you are’t addled!” rebutted the younger. “That is preposterous, Celestia. How would such a thing even work?”

“Alicorn magic. It does not directly keep us young and able to survive the worst of injuries. Rather, ah, when we - shall we say spend intimate time with another pony, we are gifted with additional life.” Celestia paused a moment. “Surely you remember the Royal Harem.”

“Ah, yes…” Luna waxed fondly, “Those were wilder days, before foalish things like ‘Decorum’ and ‘Chastity’ and ‘Temperance’ became in the vogue. But, I still do not understand.”

[4]Moreso in Luna’s case than Celestia’s. Luna, it seemed, had never quite gotten out of her ‘moody teenager’ phase, whereas Celestia seemed to stop right around the ‘Sexy neighborhood Mom’ phase of her adulthood.

“Well,” Celestia began, and rested forelegs before her, then tapped forehooves together in staccato tappa-tap-tap. “Did anything taste funny to you today?”

Luna paused. Raised her uninjured foreleg to her chin, and tapped. “Hmm...well, I do believe the morning coffee tasted a bit off. We recall feeling tingly for a moment, but it passed.”

“I was afraid so. You were poisoned this morning, Luna. I thought we’d stopped the assassin before he could strike, but…” Celestia’s lips spread into a faux-innocent smile. “Uhm, I imagine your...boo-boo...came after that.”

Luna, quite naturally, seized on the more important part of the statement. “What do you mean I was poisoned?!” she barked at her sibling loud enough to send Celestia’s ears flat to her head and hoof to press over muzzle.

“You really need to brush your teeth more,” Celestia complained. “Ew. And yes. Poisoned. Sorry. I, uhm, it’s happened so often I kind of grew used to it. Forgot you don’t know everything.”

“Don’t know what?” growled Luna.

“Sex!” Celestia said again. “Every time we have sex with a new pony, our alicorn magic grants us extra vitality! I believe it works out to around eighty years or equivalent cumulatively fatal injuries, whichever happens first. Per pony. But only once. Ah. Per pony. And you see…” Celestia’s gaze abruptly wandered across the room to admire a painting hanging there.

“See what…” Luna prompted.

‘Wweeeeeell,” Celestia asked, roundabout, “Add up the various ponies in the Royal Harem plus the two dozen lovers you took I knew of plus the four or five I am sure I missed and times that all by eighty years in total, then minus the time after we became ‘chaste’ minus all the times you healed from fatal injuries before your banishment…”

Luna paused for a moment, and screwed up her face in concentration. Her tongue worked upon her cheek till she glanced back to her sibling. “But that ought to have left us with at least a dozen lives!”

“Ah...fifteen and a half, by my reckoning. Tartarus is choked with toxic fumes. We would have perished from that if not for a life. Then the reason you were left alone through Cadance’s wedding is because Chrysalis broke your neck. Apparently you didn’t even wake up for it! And minus another after today’s poisoning…”

“Yes, but, that still leaves just over a dozen!”

“Yeeeeesssss….” Celestia said slowly, “Except, ah, that you spent a thousand years on the moon. And one thousand over eighty, well, ah, what I am saying is that when you add the numbers up, ah...until you take a lover you are as vulnerable as, ah, any other pony. Including to boo-boos.”

Luna considered this new information, too. As before, she seized upon the important part of the statement, and followed it to its obvious conclusion. “So,” she said slowly, and one could hear the deepest chill of the most dread of the Windigoes in her voice, “You are saying that when you banished us to the moon, you tried to have us killed. Not just once. Nor twice, oh no. You tried to have us killed. A dozen times.”

“Well, you see, to be fair, I didn’t know it at the time, I only figured this out a century later…”

Luna gave an incoherent scream of rage, and dove at her sister, bowling her backwards till Celestia’s head struck her working desk and, and there was an audible crack, and elder sister fell limp at younger’s hooves. Luna stared a moment. “Oh, bugger,” she said. “I’ve gone and broken her neck.”

Fifteen seconds later, when Celestia felt good enough to sit up again, she muttered, “I suppose I might have deserved that. Thank you for not resorting to decapitation, Luna. I really do hate recovering from that.”

‘Our pleasure, Tia. But that still leaves us most distressed! If all thou...if all you say is true, then...ahem, then I at great risk! What are we-”

A knock sounded at the door, and Luna’s head snapped to the entry to Celestia’s apartments. “Who is that?!” she barked. “Assassin! Guards! To us!”

“It’s not an assassin, Luna,” Celestia said with a laugh, and opened doors to reveal one of the Royal Guard. He was a strapping young lad, sleek of frame and strong of chin. “I asked Raven to send him along. He’s here to help. Luna, allow me to introduce you to Sergeant Parts. Sergeant Private Parts.”

Luna shook herself out of fearful trembling, only to stare in increasing interest at the delightful hunk of stallion before her. “Well,” she said slowly, “He is no mare, but he will do.”

A short time later - Celestia had nipped off to the donut shop and enjoyed a pastry, and Luna had had time for a shower afterwards, as well - the two sisters were curled up together. “That was...energetic, sister,” Luna said. “And look! Our boo-boo is gone!”

“I’m quite glad,” Celestia said, and warmly nuzzled her sister’s cheek. “Of course, one life is only a little bit of a buffer. I still fear for you safety.”

There was a knock at the door. “Fortunately,” Celestia continued. “Sergeant Private Parts has more than one member of his family serving in the guard.” The door opened. “I would like to introduce you, sister, to Corporal Private Parts, Captain Private Parts, General Private Parts, and of course, the newest member of the Royal Guard, Private Private Parts. I’ll, ah, leave you to it.”[5][6]

[5]The Parts Family had had a long and storied history of service to the Crown after Celestia abandoned her vow of chastity approximately one hundred years after Nightmare Moon, when she figured out what had gone on after a walk in the Everfree Forest had led to her carelessly having her leg bitten off by a Timberwolf. When it did not grow back, she grew concerned.[ a ]
[ a ]Celestia formed the Royal Guard within one week of her discovery of the true nature of Alicorn Magic.
[6]The Parts Family was known for duty, valor, and service to the Crown. They most certainly were not known for creative naming of children.

Afterwards, after Luna had one short shower and one far longer bath, once more the siblings were nestled up together Luna was staring raptly at a glowing dark aura rippling along her limbs.

“As you can see, the spell shows an aura corresponding to how much your alicorn magic has been strengthened. And you can hear the light musical hum, too? That corresponds as well. For example…”

Luna felt a sudden sting, and look down to see a dagger rimmed in gold-glowing magic plunged into her chest. Moments later, it was tugged free, and Luna’s favorite bedsheets were ruined forever. Because of the blood. Oh, and -

“My favorite bedsheets! They have been ruined forever! Because of the blood!” Luna said, announcing the obvious even as the wound closed itself up. “And you just stabbed me in the chest!”

“But look, Luna! Look at the aura now!” The navy darkness had faded, still a healthy glow but not extending as far from her as it had before, and the gentle rhythm in her ears had grown softer. “As you can see, you can approximate how much you have stored up and if you, ah, might want to take further partners.”

Her sister grew curious. “Just how many partners have you had, sister?”

Celestia’s face adopted a likeness akin to that of a frog that had had one too many flies and wasn’t quite sure how this coughing thing was supposed to work when croaking was perfectly fine. “Well,” she said after a sputtering coughing fit, “You must understand. The Parts family has had a long and storied history of service to the crown. As a matter of fact, they have just scheduled a get together. At the castle. A family reunion of sorts. The first members arrive tomorrow.”

Luna raised her eyebrow. “Really, Sister? Now how does this spell work again…?” she asked aloud. “Ah, yes-”

“Luna, NO!” Celestia cried when she realized what Luna was about to do, too late as the glow of younger sister’s horn abruptly went out, her eyes rolled up in her head, her ears went flat to her skull, and she pitched over and drunkenly twitched upon the ground in total incomprehension.

An hour later, when Luna had recovered, and forgiven Tia for thoughtlessly murdering her yet another time…[7]

“Stallions, Tia? Why are they all stallions!? Have you given up preferring mares?”

Elder sister shot her a narrowed gaze with pulled back ears. “I was busy!” she said in whinnying whine, “And the Parts Family is known for many things, like duty, valor, and service to the Crown, but one thing they are not known for is their stamina! And I preferred to let my magic be as strong as possible. It’s why I’m larger than you now.”

Luna thought a moment. “Wait,” she said, “Even if we consider all that, the magnitude of your aura…”

“Ah,” said Celestia, and for a moment she shimmered, and a smaller pegasus lay in her place, mane and coat shifting hues a half-dozen times. “As a matter of fact, there is a certain house of loose mares that once a year always seems to get a new girl just passionate to do ‘Five Minute Five Bit Friday’ with every interested patron.”

“Huh,” Luna said, and again there were quiet. Then…”Wait,” she began. “So when did you tell Twilight Sparkle that she shall have needed to become the Princess of Friendship with Benefits?”

Celestia’s subsequent silence was quite telling.

[7]Celestia had failed to warn Luna just what would happen if the aura-spell were cast upon Celestia. The blinding radiance and sonic glory left Luna insensate, and subsequently caused an aneurysm.[ b ]
[ b ]On the plus side, that left Luna cured of a latent aneurysm.

Author's Note

So. This is a thing I made, it seems. Written for FoME's Imposing Sovereigns Contest, I present to all of you the adventures of Floozy Luna.