Twilight sighed as she took a very deep breath in.
She had work to do as a princess, and that now included making sure that every pony’s taxes were correct. Luckily, she was getting to the very end of the of the list for Ponyville at least. And so far, everything was mostly in order, mostly.
There were a few miscalculations here and there, but nothing too glaringly wrong. She glanced at her list and went through the names very slowly.
Indigo Moon, check. Lightning Nimbus, check. Firebolt Nimbus, check. Forrest Note, check. Pinkie Pie, check. Oliver Quill, check. William Roberts, check. Vinyl Scratch, check (surprisingly enough). The Spoon Family, check. Courtney Taylor, check. Carrot Top, check. Roseluck Tyler, check. Tyler White, check. William White, check. Felicia White, check. Thorn Wood, no check.
Twilight glanced back again at the very bland paper file folders.
All the forms and pieces of paper said was, ‘No Current Information Available at this current time,’ and that was it, nothing else was on it at all.
Huh, that was very weird and strange and odd, she looked through it, but all the information was ‘null’ as in there was literally nothing there.
The only thing that was there was his current address and that was it.
Quickly she put down a note next to his name and then returned to the list and luckily enough everypony else was good (although she doubted the paper files on Vinyl Scratch, but that was it), well, it looked like today was very easy, with the exception of this ‘Thorn Wood’, but wait, he had other names too.
Let’s see, Mister Allan, Daniel T, Leonardo Thorn, Danny Thornwood, and also William Penn, Freddy Credenza, JQD, Chris, Orion, SS, and about two dozen other names. Wow, she thought, he seriously must not like his real name ever, oh well, that won't stop me from figuring out why he doesn't have any tax information yet, time to go pay him a visit. And with that in her mind and head she slowly flew over to the house stated on his current residence.
When she finally got there, she rang the doorbell and…
Chaos ensued, literally.
Thorn didn't use the front door to greet her, he used a much more creative way, he poked his head out from the top window and said, “Hello there, mind getting me a trampoline because that would make the jump a whole lot more fun!”
Twilight looked at him very confused, “Wait, what?” she said, but before she could move suddenly he jumped out of the window.
Thinking that he was trying to kill himself Twilight instantly cast a spell that would slow down (and not stop) his fall (because the stop is what kills you).
However, before he hit the ground he bungeed back upwards towards the window, “Wait, what?” Twilight said unable to process what was happening.
However, to everypony else they ignored this sight as if it were a daily occurrence, (which it actually was) and went on with their own little lives.
Thorn laughed as he slowly went up and down as he dangled in front of Twilight, “WELL HELLO THERE PRINCESS ALICORN TWILIGHT SPARKLE OF MAGIC AND ALSO FRIENDSHIP! IT SURE IS NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU!” he shouted directly in her face. Twilight winced in pain, “Please, you don’t need to shout.”
“Shouting is a great way to introduce yourself, and to make yourself heard until other ponies start to ignore that, and then you have to keep escalating things, like my bungee jump, that’s what I almost always do to greet a visitor.”
“Oh, very well then, nice to meet you Mr. Wood,” she said.
“Hey, if you’re going to talk to me address me by the right name, Thorn is what my friends and family and other ponies use, Mister Allan is my author pen name, Daniel is also yet another Author pen name. Freddy is the insane jerk, and William is also an author, my artist, well I haven't found a name for him yet, so yeah, please call me whatever you want because I’m fine with anything.”
“Well okay then, Thorn, but do you need any help getting out of that?”
“What? This?” he said pointing to the bungee cord with his hooves, “Oh, this is very easy, I could literally get out of this in my sleep.”
And with that said there was a flash of light and suddenly Thorn stood right in front of her and she could finally closely examine the unicorn.
He was a brown stallion with greenish eyes and glasses on the end of his nuzzle (nose) which made him look very smart and distinguished, he had a lack mane and hair and tail too. His hair was frazzled and uncombed sticking up in various random places which made him look… well… crazy and also very sloppy.
His cutie mark was a feather quill inside (or was it outside?) of a 3D cube box.
He was wearing nothing except a white sweater that was very plain and simple (and probably something that Twilight would have worn).
Suddenly he smiled, “Allow me to properly introduce myself, my name is Thorn, and please just call me that, there’s no need for any formality here at all, princess,” he said. “Oh, well then, thank you,” she said. “Hey, what can I say except you’re welcome?” he said still smiling at her very charmingly.
Suddenly a mare rushed outside of the house, “Oh, I’m so sorry if he bothered you princess, we usually can keep him inside the house, but he always manages to find a way out and greet any and all visitors and guests before we can.”
“Oh, well I don't really mind, but who are you exactly?”
“Oh, I’m his care keeper, I take care of him because he’s well… very special.”
“How so? He looks perfectly fine to me.”
“Physically, yes, mentally and emotionally, no, he’s a genius, don't get me wrong, I’ve never seen any pony else think quite like him, not even you, he’s rather a very special case for us since even we don't know what’s wrong with him exactly, I mean we know that he’s autistic, but other than that we still can't confirm if he’s a sociopath or psychopath because of his previous history in the past.”
“Oh, wait, he’s an autistic pony? Wow, I’ve never seen one up close before, but is it okay to be talking right in front of him?”
“Yes, he’s probably already ignoring us until he can think of a joke or a story idea and when he does you’ll see him start to move faster than a flying Pegasus in a race because when he really wants something he doesn't stop until he gets it, he’s one of the most determined ponies that I know and-,”
“EUREKA!!!” Thorn suddenly shouted, “I got an idea!”
And then suddenly before Twilight could blink he was gone.
“What-?” she said.
“Yeah, he does that, anyhow as I was saying he’s rather very special and while his mental age is undetermined his emotional age is more like an eight-year-old ever since a particularly traumatic experience as a foal where his father died.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry, what happened?”
“Train wreck surprisingly enough, and while he said that he was fine, he wasn’t, not for many years afterwards until one day he finished writing something and then boom, the stallion you see today grew from that. HE went from one extreme of negative and sad and depressed to the exact opposite, bubbly, cheerful, joyful, happy, calm, content, and very smart too. His only real problems after that was that he acted like a jerk when something he really cared about and liked was taken away, before he never really cared about anything, and he was miserable, but he never really acted out, but now, well he does, a lot. Anyhow we try to keep him happy here most of the time and he doesn't really bother the other ponies since they already know his crazy, bizarre, eccentric, weird, strange, and odd ways, anyhow, my name is Lauren Mallory, how may I help you out today princess?” she said rushing all of her exposition in one big huge sentence.
“Well I was wondering why he doesn't have any tax information.”
“Oh, well he can work, but he quits if he really doesn't like it, he would rather just sit in a room all day reading and writing and drawing,” she said, “And as his caretaker I am the one responsible for him even though he is now a legal adult.”
“Okay, very well then, but why do you take care of him?”
She sighed, “That’s the question I get most, and here’s the answer, he’s very smart and very talented, he just needs to feel like he has been accepted by other ponies like friends, and he wants to be accepted as an author, and honestly, I don't really mind, he keeps me entertained and he’s a very calm logical pony some of the time, other times not, I mean he’s sort of like a mix of you and Discord and also Pinkie Pie with a bit of Starlight Glimmer in there too.”
“Oh, all of that?”
“Yep, he wants friends just like Starlight, he’s very smart like you, and he’s very, very unpredictable and can be a bit of a party animal, even I don't really understand him and I’m his caretaker, I should know him, yet I still don't.”
“Oh, very well then, thanks, anyhow, that’s all I needed to know.”
“Wait, can you stay, please?” Thorn so rarely has friends or visitors come over and it would mean the world to him if you listened to him ramble.”
“Well I don't know…”
“I forgot to mention that he’s mostly quiet… except with his friends, but you have to listen to him or else he’ll get upset and he tends to act very violently if he’s upset, he throws objects and stuff around and even makes death threats, all very normal, but when he’s over it he always apologizes and helps clean up the damage, he’s very nice, kind, and generous, he just has a bit of a temper when things don't go his way, that’s all,” Lauren said.
“Oh, well in that case I don't mind staying at all,” Twilight said, “After all, it’s going to be nice to take a break from double checking all those tax forms.”
And with that said Lauren smiled very lightly as they entered the house.
“Dinner is whatever you want I guess,” she said.
“Oh, well then, thanks.”
“Don't thank me just yet.”
“Are you real, is this real? What’s fantasy? Who are you? Who am I?”
Then he looked at her eyes very deeply. “Did you know that you have the most beautiful face that I have ever seen before?”
“What the-?”
“I feel so lonely, so unloved…”
Lauren suddenly then looked at Thorn, “Don't you even think about trying to kill yourself again.”
“Wait, what?”
“Oh, don't worry, he does it on an almost daily basis.”
“Oh well okay then.”
“Words are my reality now, I write about a person named Mister Allan who writes about us, ponies, whatever he wants to, but no one else appreciates him, he’s just like me, the only difference though is that he may or may not be real.”
Twilight looked over at Lauren, “Just how crazy did you say he was?”
“We don't know yet.”
Twilight nodded, said, “Well okay then,” and then ate dinner.
Afterwards she left to go back to her castle.
Meanwhile Thorn saw… well things and stuff…
He was in a hospital, he was in a white room, he was on earth…
No, he was here, or was he?
“What is reality anymore?” he said to himself.
“Thorn? Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine, but what is reality? Who am I? Who are you? Where am I? Is this real or not? How come I can't find the answers that I want to? Why am I not loved?” he said. Lauren smiled, “I wish that I could help you… but…”
“You’re not real… I know, nothing is anymore…”
And then suddenly Lauren faded away, and so did Ponyville, then he was in the hospital, but once he closed his eyes he was in the human world, even more sleep he was back in the pony world. Once he had loved dreaming, but now it was driving him to insanity, he didn't know what was real anymore…
And that was the worst thing he could possibly ever think of.
Suddenly he woke up and gasped, he quickly adjusted his glasses with magic, it looked like he was still in pony form, but was this real? He couldn't tell anymore.
His noise however, did cause Lauren to wake up from her sleep as well.
“Is everything fine?” she said yawning very loudly.
“Yes, it is, just a bad dream, that’s all,” he said, “I can't tell what’s real anymore,”
“Look at me,” Lauren said, he did, “I’m real.”
“Are you though? Are you really?”
“I am, just trust me,” she said.
“I don't know if I can, I’m so lonely in any world that I’m in…”
“Well, you should try to at least, anyhow how did you enjoy Princess Twilight?”
“She was wonderful, incredible, splendid… but…”
“But what?”
He sighed, “She is still not the one for me, and that makes me sad.”
Lauren looked at Thorn, “Hey, what’s wrong?”
“Do you think that I'll ever be loved?”
Lauren looked at him with great concern, “I really honestly don't know.”
He sighed, “Well that’s fine I guess, but I just wish that somepony could give me the answers, I need them so bad, I wasn’t to know, and yet I still do not.”
Lauren tried to figure a way out to make him happy, then she finally thought of something to cheer him up again. “How about we go to the Crystal Empire and see Princess Cadence? She could have an answer for you.”
He shrugged, “Fine, whatever.”
“It’s colder there so make sure to bring your sweater,” she said.
He sighed, “Don't worry, I will.”
Lauren then left him to be alone as he wrote.
Writing is pain, I write so that I may escape the pain, but I just can't, I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know what’s real, I don't know why I write anymore, if I can't escape the pain, and if none love me, then why should I keep on living? If I cannot be happy then what is the point to living life? I know that whatever force made us that it would want us to be happy, not miserable, only chaos and entropy want that, eternal strife, death, pain, misery, sorrow, despair. These are my thoughts today, these are my ideas, these are the ramblings of an unloved stallion who just wants to die, these are from one who’s not sure if they’re completely insane, these are the memoirs of me, and me is what I shall call myself, because I don't even know my own name anymore, who am I anymore?
Am I Thorn Wood, a pony, a stallion, an equestrian?
Am I Mister Allan, a human author who lies about their real name?
Am I Daniel T, the real name of Mister Allan?
Am I human or am I pony, am I chaos or am I order instead?
Am I crazy or do I just pretend to be instead?
Am I insane, or could I be completely normal instead?
I don't know what’s real anymore, I only know what I don't have.
And what I don't have is love, I want to be loved, cared for, valued, appreciated, and I just wish that I could talk to others, someone, anyone, I just wish that they could understand. I try to do my best, I say that I’m sorry, I say that I’m fine, but I lie. I say that I have two sides of me, one emotional, one logical, and that the actions caused by one are different from the other and therefore they are to blame and not me, but that is a lie. The ‘sides’ of myself are still me no matter if they are logical or emotional, I acted based on what I thought or felt, and no matter how I acted, I still acted. It doesn't matter whether either side meant to hurt anyone else, it matters what others think, they felt hurt because of me, and that is the worst.
I was willing to give up my place in a group for the greater good… but not without an explanation of why I did those things, I wanted to justify myself, make myself feel good, make the pain less, I tried to be forgiven, but in my foolishness I went about it in the wrong way, I followed you round like a newborn foal to its mother, I pleaded, I begged, I did everything wrong because I was being emotional.
I tend to do things wrong a lot when I’m emotional, that’s why I don't like to be that way, I’m cold, calm, calculated, an introvert, the exception to this is my eccentric, wild, bizarre, crazy, and insane party going nature that I share with my friends and family. Eventually this showed through even to strangers too.
I was wrong to chase you out in the open, I didn't think about how others would see it, and I didn't care then, I should have just gone straight to you in private in the first place. But I didn't and I truly do regret that, I really do. Sometimes I just wish that I could change the past, and don't we all? But we can't, not now, not ever, we can only hope to try to aim and reach for a better tomorrow by doing new things, making new friends, being kind, being nice, being generous. If we don't try to become better than we never will. None of us are perfect, but if we don't try to aim for the stars than how can we ever fly? Impossible is just a word for those who have given up hope, for those who quit, for those who have stopped trying.
Impossible is what you see when you’re sad, when you’re scared, when it’s the unknown, when you hate others, when it’s so many other things too.
But there’s no such thing as the impossible, there is only the illusion of it instead.
I don't believe in the impossible, but I do believe in many more things.
Hope, love, kindness, chaos, entropy, death, kindness, sorrow, despair, pain, misery, joy, strife, nervousness, fear, why do we have these emotions? Why do we feel? Why do we have to feel? Answer: Because it makes life good, it makes it interesting. Without the bad we could never know the good, and it’s hard to be in the bad, but only you can change how you think about it, only you can decide when you’re ready to move on and accept the good. See the light, see the good.
It’s hard sometimes, I know. We all have our bad moments, our pain, our strife, our sorrow, our despair, and it may seem like a good moment may never come, but that’s only because you’re not trying hard enough to make it good.
Reality throws a ton of crap at us, life is always going to go wrong, but if we just sit there and let life take us away, let it keep beating us up, if we just flow down the stream of life just trying to get through it and not focus on what’s really important than we’ll never be truly happy, ever. Wealth isn't evil, but in the end what good is it in death? Do something that matters, help other out first.
Even if you can only write as I do, just try, who knows, maybe you just might inspire them to become something great, and as a result, you’ll be much greater yourself. I’m sorry for those who I may have hurt, I never meant it, and I lost my head when I didn't consider them when trying to talk with you, I tried so many ways, and I hated you there for a while, but now I can forgive you because you have taught me something very valuable, something very important.
You showed me what not to do, and now because it’s more personal I'll remember it even more. Thank you, and please, I don't want to be enemies, nor do I wish to feel hated or ignore by you or anyone else for that matter, all that I ever wanted was love, acceptance, kindness, charity, mercy, words that people forget when they’re hurt, when they think that they’ve been hurt. And I never meant to do that, I was only a comedian, I tried to joke, clearly you did not want to laugh.
And that’s fine, I get that, not everyone wants to laugh, but I still try to make them smile at the very least, because once you can smile and laugh… well… that does make it a good day. I was thoughtless, I didn't really care for anyone else, but guess what, I’m trying to, but after ten years of shutting myself off, well…. One can't just exactly dive into the deep end of the pool now then, can they?
It’s a day by day thing, step by step as they learn what they need to, how to control emotion better, how to interact with other people, other ponies.
Social interaction is my weakest thing, I must admit that.
And that’s why I tried so hard to fit in.
To say something, anything, and my honesty may have been a bit well… cold and cruel to others… but I don't ever really mean harm because if I did, well, you would know because I would say it because I know when I do mean to harm and when I do, I care even less than I usually do. At least my logical side tries to care right now, my emotional side is having a harder time, and that’s why I am having a hard time while still trying, not two different sides of me, but as one instead.
I hope that you can forgive me, that they can, that they could be willing and ready to work with me again, an I'll understand them if they don't, people have a hard time forgiving, it’s not easy, but I’m ready and always willing to build the bridge together when they are. I hope that you don't hate me, and that you can forgive me, and if you still don't want to hear from me, that’s fine, I'll understand, I won't expect a reply back from you, but if you do get this and don't reply… well… I don't know. You sked me to not bother you in public, so I won't. Not anymore at least, but you never said anything about something private. However, if you do respond and wish to keep ignoring me for whatever you do, make sure that you get me to promise that I won't try bothering you again and that I have to let you come bac to me. A promise is something that I would never break with another person/pony because it’s personal to me, I never make a promise that I can't keep or don't mean.
I can make a promise to myself that I can't keep only because I know that I have to try for the impossible because people make promises to themselves a lot, and they can't really keep them. But when it’s with another, always keep it no matter what happens. I read a story once on the importance of promises, but even before then I felt that it was something important, words can change, perception can change, but a promise is something that should never change, ever. A promise is something that shouldn't ever be broken at any cost. If you don't want me to bother you privately or publicly then I'll promise to respect your wishes.
No, I do promise to respect your wishes. I promise to respect your wishes despite whatever I might feel or think. There, I said it. Now I just made it personal.
I don't know if I can promise to stay out of your life though (mainly because you’re already so famous and I see what you do all the time and I really just want to join), but I can promise to respect you and your wishes so long as you specify them enough for there to be no loopholes.
I hope that we (and the others that I may have hurt) can start over again, fresh, new, and I just couldn't move on myself from you or them if they still don't want to accept me if I didn't write this, so in a way this has to be said, it must be said, and once you receive it I can finally move on, I'll be ready to accept whatever you (or they) want from me because I will be at peace.
I wrote my stories to prove a point to myself, I wrote another story to prove a point to them, that I could write Romance, that I could write Mature even.
Sometimes I’m very stubborn like that, sometimes.
I'll do something just to prove a point and then laugh in their faces.
But it’s really rare because I would only ever prove a point because of fear or anger for others, it’s for live and acceptance when I do it just for myself (as our most of my stories right now). I know that I’ve probably gone on for too long by now and I don't want this to be just about me (because as someone once wisely pointed out to me, I can tend to be a bit selfish in a group, and they’re right, I’ve lacked attention for so long I'll do almost anything to get what I want.
Almost.
I won't willingly hurt the group to get it, and that’s why, when asked to leave directly, I will, I just have a hard time leaving without an explanation first (remember my logical side and justification, well, it makes the pain easier, it makes the hurt less, it makes it easier to move on and try staring something new and fresh again). Anyhow, enough for now, I expect nothing from you at all, don't reply back if you don't want to, although I wish that you did, that you could because it would probably help me (if not both of us). After all, one of us might be right, but we could also both be wrong, and I won't say anything for whatever way you think because it’s the wise one who’s willing to say that they’re wrong.
It takes a lot to admit that you’re wrong, you have to lay down your pride and open up your heart. That’s why I can say that I’m sorry, but have a much harder time saying that I am wrong because I still don't want to be hurt by opening up my heart because what if they still can't accept me even after I plead for mercy?
What do I do then? How can I move on? I think that’s the hardest part of anything, moving on, it took me almost ten years to move on from my father’s death, so I’m a really slow mover, but at least I will still try to do it nonetheless.
Anyhow, enough from me, may this be well received, and just in case, good luck to you in all that you do because I no longer hold a grudge against you anymore.
Goodbye for now.
He finished writing his letter and then put it in the mail.
He hoped that they would receive it well, and if not, oh well, he tried.
