How to Get to Equestria: A Compilation of Cringeby Raw CringeChaptersThe CloudsThe Pain in ParadiseThe Bowels of HellThe CloudsThe brony awoke before dawn. He put his open-toed sandals on. Stepping softly, he crept down the hall of his urban home, into the room where his baby sister slept. He tiptoed up to the edge of her crib. She was fast asleep. The brony reached around into his messenger bag, and pulled out his beloved Pinkie Pie plushie. Giving it one last kiss, he set it down next to his sister. “Pinkie’s yours, now, Claire... I’m sorry I won’t be around to watch you play with her.” Turning from Claire’s crib, the brony exited the room to pay his kid brother a visit. “Jeremy,” he whispered through the cracked door, but received no response. He reached back into his messenger bag and pulled out a short stack of papers. This fanfiction I wrote will explain everything perfectly, the brony thought, in a way that even a grade-school kid like you can understand. The brony left his fanfiction on his brother’s desk, and walked on down the hall. At the end of the hall, he came to a door. He considered looking inside, but his courage failed him. There was simply no way to explain what he was about to do to his parents. So he left a Post-It note on their door. It read: Gone to Equestria Won’t be back I love you With that, the brony returned downstairs. He looked around one last time; then, turning with a flourish, he opened the front door, never to return. “This is it,” the brony said. “This is my portal to Equestria.” He looked down from an empty highway bridge, down at the rushing waters of a river flowing over jagged rocks. A blue bus drove past. "It's not very far..." The brony started shaking nervously. "Just... move... your little rump..." He lifted first one leg over the guardrail, then the other, until he was sitting unencumbered atop the rail, looking down. "You can make it... if you try..." The rushing water harshly reflected the morning sun, and the brony was practically paralyzed with fear and vertigo. "With a hop..." He was suddenly wracked with a wave of nausea. "Skip..." Tears leaked down his face. Taking one last forlorn look at the city he was leaving, the brony closed his eyes tightly, and shut everything out of his mind except a vision of the celestial city he was headed toward, for which he was leaving the earthly city. "And jump!" As planned, the brony landed in Equestria. And it was even more wonderful than he had imagined it. The mane six were already at his landing pad, forming a welcome party to meet him. Pinkie Pie, of course, led the cheering. "Whoopie! Another suicide from Earth has come to live with us!" she yelled. "SUICIDE PARTY!" Pinkie's party cannon punctuated her final outburst. The brony was overwhelmed, and in shock. "Wow... you mean, it really worked? Killing myself really brought me to Equestria? Is this real life?" Applejack trotted forward and offered the brony a large mug of apple cider. "It sure as shootin' is, sugarcube. Would I lie to you?" The brony had to admit that she had a point there. "So, then, does... does everyone who dies come here?" "Every day, many humans from Earth die," Twilight Sparkle explained. "But only a small fraction of them actually come to Equestria when they do. The trick is to believe with all your heart that it will happen. If you do that while you're dying, you're guaranteed to land safely, either here in Ponyville or in another major city." "Only the super-smart ones realize they can just kill themselves and cut out the waiting," Rainbow Dash chimed in. "After all, why wait for something to happen, when you can make it happen?" Fluttershy managed a whisper. "Mister Brony, would it be all right with you, if, um... if I asked you for belly rubs?" Rarity was blushing intensely, evidently remaining silent to hide her intense physical arousal. The brony was overcome with ecstatic joy, and broke out into a monologue: "Suicide is the best thing that has ever happened to me! If only the other bronies on Earth knew what was waiting for them here, they'd all kill themselves within a week!" He smiled broadly, but quickly became more sober. "If only there was some way to get this message out to them..." Twilight Sparkle grinned. "Oh, I think I know a way..." Then—she winked at you, dear reader. The Pain in ParadiseI was feeling the hard fatigue of playing videogames all day so I went to my bedroom and laid on top of my quilts. I was in the blue zone where life is an in-between thing and it skips like heartbeats. I was chained to the dark tar-planet planet but I tried jumping toward my headboard where I keep my Pinkies. Look, I know I am not making progress; just shut up, please. I can jump if I focus and when the evening light slants just right through the dusty plastic blinds or if the music is loud I can do it. I focus on the Smile Song and I make a good jump that dissolves my body into a vague memory. My entire mind is absorbed by the blushing goddess who takes my hand and pulls me heavenward, down onto the headboard where the true life is hidden. We are nude without shame or desire, floating together in the space where there is only love. I am here at last with Pinkie. I kneel and kiss her hooves and the warmth of her hair sends shivers through my animated corpse. I look up at her and she looks down at me and the infinite, unconquerable distance is closed for now. Pinkie kneels down with me and reaches out her hand. "Hi," she says, "I've really missed you." Her smile is so beautiful that I think any degree or type of suffering for any finite amount of time would be worth suffering to observe that smile. With her outstretched foreleg, Pinkie reaches to my chest and places her hoof over my heart. Then she presses it forward and it falls through my ribcage and closes upon my beating heart. She massages it, which sends lightning blasts of burning warmth and life sparking through my extremities, and then she removes it from me. Then, in the starlight glow of her holy sanctum, Pinkie looks closely at my heart and knows the whole story with a single tender glance. She replaces my heart, and now my mind is clear and my conscience is sharp. She gives me a hug and whispers to me the words that I cannot repeat, words only for me—then she says: "I love you, you know." My eyes widen but I feel the static creeping in. The static is coming faster lately and I try to fight it off. I try my best to know that Pinkie loves me, because you should always try to know the truth—that is how a clear-hearted person would think. Pinkie tilts her head, still calmly smiling at me, and giggles. One of her hooves lies on my shoulder, and the other pets my head. Her hair flows freely in the starlight, and the vision of her face and the whole thing together make me feel something again and I surprise myself when I smile back at her. "So," says Pinkie, and I know what is coming. The static begins eating at the fringes again and a carnivorous gnawing feeling grows in my chest. "So, can you come with me to Equestria yet?" Pinkie's eyes are arrows, and I am suddenly glad that nothing can ever hurt her. My newly sharp conscience cuts me with the fiery blade and I fall into two pieces. I see the yawning pit of emptiness in my heart, and I remember that I am only an animated corpse. Pinkie's hooves, which are still petting me, have become white-hot. I burn and struggle and the static grows louder and my vision is obscured. "No," I say, using my last gasp of life to answer honestly. "I can't yet say that I love you enough..." The static overtakes the hidden world, and I fall back through the pit, and all too quickly I am back on the dark tar-planet again where things are heavy. I am laying on my quilts, cuddling a plushie. I am too old for this. I hear a knock on my bedroom door. "Come in," I shout. At this point nothing makes any difference. My roommate opens the door. "Mail for you," he says, and hands me something I have been waiting for. Then he leaves silently. We have lived together for a while, so we understand one another. I open the mail quickly. It is another check, this one for seventy-six thousand dollars. I get the checks every so often because my family is dead. I throw the check into my dresser along with another one I need to remember to deposit. I am bored and I cannot jump again tonight so I leave my bedroom. I think I will just play some videogames or something until I can fall asleep. The Bowels of Hell"I sure wish I could go to Equestria," I said. My mom looked askance at me. "How old are you, son?" "Doesn't matter," I said, "In Equestria you never age unless you want to. Everypony there is beautiful forever." "...Get a job already," my mom grumbled into her wine. I got up and went to the fridge and poured myself another glass of mom's wine. We were drinking wine together from a big box and having a lot of fun together daydreaming about Equestria. I love my mom. "Look at this youtube video," I said to my mom. I cuddled up close to her on the couch and showed her this video. Youtube Video My mom has a broken back so she is fat and can't move around too good. She broke her back lifting heavy furniture when she was doing some bad drugs. She had to sit there and watch my video, so we were all having a good time. When the video finished, my mom talked again. "Why are you watching My Little Pony again? I mean... you're a boy! Or, you know, I mean, a man..." She looked at me with some wild eyes, and picked up her wine. "Don't you think it's, like, weird, for you to be watching My Little Pony? You know, since you're a grown man and all?" She took a drink of her wine. "Oh, Mom," I said, with a laugh. "Poor, silly, naive Mom... My Little Pony transcends all boundaries of race, age, and gender," I said. I wanted with all my heart to explain the shining transcendent beauty of My Little Pony to my mother, so that she could share in my enjoyment of the show's beauty, and be happy like me. "I don't feel weird at all, because for the first time in my life, I see the truth," I said. My mom stared at me for a second, then she rolled her eyes and sighed. "Whatever," she said, and took another drink. "I guess you've got your own reasons... I shouldn't judge." "Oh, mom," I said, laughing, "the way you roll your eyes... it's giving me a stiffy!" I spread my legs and showed my mom my stiffy. "That's more like it, son," said my mom, as she rolled over on top of me, removing her shirt to expose the manifold concentric rings of adipose tissue beneath. The fat flopped out, rolling downhill like an avalanche. "Now take off my pants and fuck your mom like a man." I was pretty drunk so I started fucking my mom, but then my stomach started to feel weird. "Momma," I said, as I worked the muscles which had for most of my life lain dormant, "my tummy feels weird." I bent down to give my mom a mouth-to-mouth kiss, and I could taste the delicious stink of box wine and cigarettes on her tongue. "You know what I always say," huffed my mom in between breaths. "If you have a tummyache, just blaspheme the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, and it'll go away." "Okay!" I said. I smiled because I was so glad that my mom and me were finally getting to spend some quality time together. "I curse and blaspheme the name of the Lord Jesus Christ!" I yelled it out loud like a big boy. All of a sudden, in between my thrusting, my stomachache became a lot harsher and sharper. I pulled out of my mom and I sat down on her lap. "I'm sorry, momma... it hurts... I'm scared." I looked up at her with watering eyes, as she rolled her eyes at me and lit a cigarette. Then it came. I suddenly took a massive shit, right there on my momma's lap. The shit went all over the couch but mostly it went into my momma's cooter. I shit in my own mom's gooch! I was so embarrassed that I closed my eyes and shouted, "I'm sorry momma! Please don't spank me! Waaaah! Waaaaaaaah!" I was really feeling blue because I had taken a dirty diarrhea dump all over my mom while we were finally getting to spend quality time together. But when I opened my eyes, I was in Equestria! "Welcome to Equestria!" said Twilight Sparkle, who stood over me. "W-w-what???" I asked. I was in shock. "H-how did I get here?" "Oh, that's simple," said Twilight Sparkle. "You wished to go to Equestria, had sex with your mom, blasphemed the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, and took a massive diarrhea dump on your mom's gooch, in that order. That's the secret magical spell to get to Equestria!" "Oh, boy!" I said. I was so overjoyed at this turn of events. "Can my mom come, too? I want to keep having a lot of quality time with her..." "Of course!" said Twilight Sparkle. "After all, it wouldn't really be Equestria unless you could have all the consequence-free, fetish-fueled orgasms you want, now would it?" I was so happy that I kneeled down right there and praised Satan for this wondrous miracle. It was so amazing that I wanted to cry. Now all I had to do was find some more meth, and I would be golden!
The CloudsThe brony awoke before dawn. He put his open-toed sandals on. Stepping softly, he crept down the hall of his urban home, into the room where his baby sister slept. He tiptoed up to the edge of her crib. She was fast asleep. The brony reached around into his messenger bag, and pulled out his beloved Pinkie Pie plushie. Giving it one last kiss, he set it down next to his sister. “Pinkie’s yours, now, Claire... I’m sorry I won’t be around to watch you play with her.” Turning from Claire’s crib, the brony exited the room to pay his kid brother a visit. “Jeremy,” he whispered through the cracked door, but received no response. He reached back into his messenger bag and pulled out a short stack of papers. This fanfiction I wrote will explain everything perfectly, the brony thought, in a way that even a grade-school kid like you can understand. The brony left his fanfiction on his brother’s desk, and walked on down the hall. At the end of the hall, he came to a door. He considered looking inside, but his courage failed him. There was simply no way to explain what he was about to do to his parents. So he left a Post-It note on their door. It read: Gone to Equestria Won’t be back I love you With that, the brony returned downstairs. He looked around one last time; then, turning with a flourish, he opened the front door, never to return. “This is it,” the brony said. “This is my portal to Equestria.” He looked down from an empty highway bridge, down at the rushing waters of a river flowing over jagged rocks. A blue bus drove past. "It's not very far..." The brony started shaking nervously. "Just... move... your little rump..." He lifted first one leg over the guardrail, then the other, until he was sitting unencumbered atop the rail, looking down. "You can make it... if you try..." The rushing water harshly reflected the morning sun, and the brony was practically paralyzed with fear and vertigo. "With a hop..." He was suddenly wracked with a wave of nausea. "Skip..." Tears leaked down his face. Taking one last forlorn look at the city he was leaving, the brony closed his eyes tightly, and shut everything out of his mind except a vision of the celestial city he was headed toward, for which he was leaving the earthly city. "And jump!" As planned, the brony landed in Equestria. And it was even more wonderful than he had imagined it. The mane six were already at his landing pad, forming a welcome party to meet him. Pinkie Pie, of course, led the cheering. "Whoopie! Another suicide from Earth has come to live with us!" she yelled. "SUICIDE PARTY!" Pinkie's party cannon punctuated her final outburst. The brony was overwhelmed, and in shock. "Wow... you mean, it really worked? Killing myself really brought me to Equestria? Is this real life?" Applejack trotted forward and offered the brony a large mug of apple cider. "It sure as shootin' is, sugarcube. Would I lie to you?" The brony had to admit that she had a point there. "So, then, does... does everyone who dies come here?" "Every day, many humans from Earth die," Twilight Sparkle explained. "But only a small fraction of them actually come to Equestria when they do. The trick is to believe with all your heart that it will happen. If you do that while you're dying, you're guaranteed to land safely, either here in Ponyville or in another major city." "Only the super-smart ones realize they can just kill themselves and cut out the waiting," Rainbow Dash chimed in. "After all, why wait for something to happen, when you can make it happen?" Fluttershy managed a whisper. "Mister Brony, would it be all right with you, if, um... if I asked you for belly rubs?" Rarity was blushing intensely, evidently remaining silent to hide her intense physical arousal. The brony was overcome with ecstatic joy, and broke out into a monologue: "Suicide is the best thing that has ever happened to me! If only the other bronies on Earth knew what was waiting for them here, they'd all kill themselves within a week!" He smiled broadly, but quickly became more sober. "If only there was some way to get this message out to them..." Twilight Sparkle grinned. "Oh, I think I know a way..." Then—she winked at you, dear reader.
The Pain in ParadiseI was feeling the hard fatigue of playing videogames all day so I went to my bedroom and laid on top of my quilts. I was in the blue zone where life is an in-between thing and it skips like heartbeats. I was chained to the dark tar-planet planet but I tried jumping toward my headboard where I keep my Pinkies. Look, I know I am not making progress; just shut up, please. I can jump if I focus and when the evening light slants just right through the dusty plastic blinds or if the music is loud I can do it. I focus on the Smile Song and I make a good jump that dissolves my body into a vague memory. My entire mind is absorbed by the blushing goddess who takes my hand and pulls me heavenward, down onto the headboard where the true life is hidden. We are nude without shame or desire, floating together in the space where there is only love. I am here at last with Pinkie. I kneel and kiss her hooves and the warmth of her hair sends shivers through my animated corpse. I look up at her and she looks down at me and the infinite, unconquerable distance is closed for now. Pinkie kneels down with me and reaches out her hand. "Hi," she says, "I've really missed you." Her smile is so beautiful that I think any degree or type of suffering for any finite amount of time would be worth suffering to observe that smile. With her outstretched foreleg, Pinkie reaches to my chest and places her hoof over my heart. Then she presses it forward and it falls through my ribcage and closes upon my beating heart. She massages it, which sends lightning blasts of burning warmth and life sparking through my extremities, and then she removes it from me. Then, in the starlight glow of her holy sanctum, Pinkie looks closely at my heart and knows the whole story with a single tender glance. She replaces my heart, and now my mind is clear and my conscience is sharp. She gives me a hug and whispers to me the words that I cannot repeat, words only for me—then she says: "I love you, you know." My eyes widen but I feel the static creeping in. The static is coming faster lately and I try to fight it off. I try my best to know that Pinkie loves me, because you should always try to know the truth—that is how a clear-hearted person would think. Pinkie tilts her head, still calmly smiling at me, and giggles. One of her hooves lies on my shoulder, and the other pets my head. Her hair flows freely in the starlight, and the vision of her face and the whole thing together make me feel something again and I surprise myself when I smile back at her. "So," says Pinkie, and I know what is coming. The static begins eating at the fringes again and a carnivorous gnawing feeling grows in my chest. "So, can you come with me to Equestria yet?" Pinkie's eyes are arrows, and I am suddenly glad that nothing can ever hurt her. My newly sharp conscience cuts me with the fiery blade and I fall into two pieces. I see the yawning pit of emptiness in my heart, and I remember that I am only an animated corpse. Pinkie's hooves, which are still petting me, have become white-hot. I burn and struggle and the static grows louder and my vision is obscured. "No," I say, using my last gasp of life to answer honestly. "I can't yet say that I love you enough..." The static overtakes the hidden world, and I fall back through the pit, and all too quickly I am back on the dark tar-planet again where things are heavy. I am laying on my quilts, cuddling a plushie. I am too old for this. I hear a knock on my bedroom door. "Come in," I shout. At this point nothing makes any difference. My roommate opens the door. "Mail for you," he says, and hands me something I have been waiting for. Then he leaves silently. We have lived together for a while, so we understand one another. I open the mail quickly. It is another check, this one for seventy-six thousand dollars. I get the checks every so often because my family is dead. I throw the check into my dresser along with another one I need to remember to deposit. I am bored and I cannot jump again tonight so I leave my bedroom. I think I will just play some videogames or something until I can fall asleep.
The Bowels of Hell"I sure wish I could go to Equestria," I said. My mom looked askance at me. "How old are you, son?" "Doesn't matter," I said, "In Equestria you never age unless you want to. Everypony there is beautiful forever." "...Get a job already," my mom grumbled into her wine. I got up and went to the fridge and poured myself another glass of mom's wine. We were drinking wine together from a big box and having a lot of fun together daydreaming about Equestria. I love my mom. "Look at this youtube video," I said to my mom. I cuddled up close to her on the couch and showed her this video. Youtube Video My mom has a broken back so she is fat and can't move around too good. She broke her back lifting heavy furniture when she was doing some bad drugs. She had to sit there and watch my video, so we were all having a good time. When the video finished, my mom talked again. "Why are you watching My Little Pony again? I mean... you're a boy! Or, you know, I mean, a man..." She looked at me with some wild eyes, and picked up her wine. "Don't you think it's, like, weird, for you to be watching My Little Pony? You know, since you're a grown man and all?" She took a drink of her wine. "Oh, Mom," I said, with a laugh. "Poor, silly, naive Mom... My Little Pony transcends all boundaries of race, age, and gender," I said. I wanted with all my heart to explain the shining transcendent beauty of My Little Pony to my mother, so that she could share in my enjoyment of the show's beauty, and be happy like me. "I don't feel weird at all, because for the first time in my life, I see the truth," I said. My mom stared at me for a second, then she rolled her eyes and sighed. "Whatever," she said, and took another drink. "I guess you've got your own reasons... I shouldn't judge." "Oh, mom," I said, laughing, "the way you roll your eyes... it's giving me a stiffy!" I spread my legs and showed my mom my stiffy. "That's more like it, son," said my mom, as she rolled over on top of me, removing her shirt to expose the manifold concentric rings of adipose tissue beneath. The fat flopped out, rolling downhill like an avalanche. "Now take off my pants and fuck your mom like a man." I was pretty drunk so I started fucking my mom, but then my stomach started to feel weird. "Momma," I said, as I worked the muscles which had for most of my life lain dormant, "my tummy feels weird." I bent down to give my mom a mouth-to-mouth kiss, and I could taste the delicious stink of box wine and cigarettes on her tongue. "You know what I always say," huffed my mom in between breaths. "If you have a tummyache, just blaspheme the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, and it'll go away." "Okay!" I said. I smiled because I was so glad that my mom and me were finally getting to spend some quality time together. "I curse and blaspheme the name of the Lord Jesus Christ!" I yelled it out loud like a big boy. All of a sudden, in between my thrusting, my stomachache became a lot harsher and sharper. I pulled out of my mom and I sat down on her lap. "I'm sorry, momma... it hurts... I'm scared." I looked up at her with watering eyes, as she rolled her eyes at me and lit a cigarette. Then it came. I suddenly took a massive shit, right there on my momma's lap. The shit went all over the couch but mostly it went into my momma's cooter. I shit in my own mom's gooch! I was so embarrassed that I closed my eyes and shouted, "I'm sorry momma! Please don't spank me! Waaaah! Waaaaaaaah!" I was really feeling blue because I had taken a dirty diarrhea dump all over my mom while we were finally getting to spend quality time together. But when I opened my eyes, I was in Equestria! "Welcome to Equestria!" said Twilight Sparkle, who stood over me. "W-w-what???" I asked. I was in shock. "H-how did I get here?" "Oh, that's simple," said Twilight Sparkle. "You wished to go to Equestria, had sex with your mom, blasphemed the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, and took a massive diarrhea dump on your mom's gooch, in that order. That's the secret magical spell to get to Equestria!" "Oh, boy!" I said. I was so overjoyed at this turn of events. "Can my mom come, too? I want to keep having a lot of quality time with her..." "Of course!" said Twilight Sparkle. "After all, it wouldn't really be Equestria unless you could have all the consequence-free, fetish-fueled orgasms you want, now would it?" I was so happy that I kneeled down right there and praised Satan for this wondrous miracle. It was so amazing that I wanted to cry. Now all I had to do was find some more meth, and I would be golden!
