Fuzzy Blue Lights

I miss her. I wonder how she's doing. I wonder if she misses me. I wish I could go back. Actually, I wish she could come here. The kids here are nicer. She'd have more friends here.

I wish I didn't think about her so much. I wish it didn't have to hurt.

The world had gone silent. It carried everything with a lack of color, making everything through Fluttershy's eyes look like one of the pictures on the front of one of Dad's morning newspapers: dull and lifeless.

There was no beauty in it. Nothing to be enjoyed. No taste to be savored, no music to calm the soul, nothing to excite, to admire, to smile at. There was nothing.

Through all this nothingness, Fluttershy operated on a programmed schedule: wake up, go to school, come home, go to bed. Shower on Saturdays. Eat when hunger becomes unbearable. The only thing that managed to briefly wake her from autopilot was the realization that her intervals between meals were gradually growing longer.

Oh, but she couldn't let her parents know. They'd ask questions. Their suspicions would be confirmed. It was surprisingly easy how far a fake smile could get a person each day. Two minutes hunched over the toilet was all she needed to cleanse herself when she ate to please them.

Zephyr was harder to maintain. He was always watchful. Young enough to not understand, but old enough to know something was wrong.

But Fluttershy managed somehow. Somehow, they never asked. They asked how she was doing, and how her day went all the time. But they never asked. Thankfully. Because occasionally there were times like this when Fluttershy thought she might break and tell them.

Fluttershy blinked at her locker door. The word SLUT had been scrawled over it with bright pink lipstick. Fluttershy sighed in defeat; she already knew what this was about. Someone must have seen her kiss Autumn Chimes last week.

It hadn't been serious. He was upset that his brother left to join the military, and Fluttershy thought she could cheer him up (and frankly, she just wanted to know what it felt like). She was trying to be nice. Was that really so bad?

Autumn Chimes was one of the nicer students. He had moved here two years ago, and had a few friends. He never picked on Fluttershy. Evidently, even he knew better than to associate with her, as when Fluttershy entered her first period class, Autumn's seat was empty.

I've ruined his life, Fluttershy muttered darkly in her head. Now, he would forever be known as the boy that made out with Fluttershy, the weird girl. Or worse. The kids in this school had a way of embellishing gossip.

Fluttershy closed her eyes. The math teacher rambled on and on about equations that Fluttershy would never be able to understand. She might as well get some sleep. Just as Fluttershy began to nod off, she heard someone call her name.

"Huh? What?" Fluttershy jerked back into reality.

She was surprised to see that Mr. D was standing in the doorway. "I'll have her back in just a few minutes, old chap." He nodded at the teacher, while motioning for Fluttershy to follow him.

Hesitantly, Fluttershy scooted back her chair and stood up. She passed through the rows of desks to the door, and joined Mr. D. The pair went back to Mr. D's office, where Fluttershy sat down facing him.

"So, Miss Shy," Mr. D began nonchalantly. "How are you?"

Fluttershy blinked. "What?"

"How are you?" Mr. D repeated. "How are your grades, how are you feeling, how is life?"

"...Fine."

"Ah, ah, ah," Mr. D raised an index finger. "Please refrain from saying the F-word in my presence. Come now, Fluttershy, there's no one here to judge you. You can be honest with me."

Fluttershy shrank in her seat, wishing she could disappear entirely. "...I don't know."

"A fair answer," Mr. D mused. "I ask this because I have a growing concern: last year, when you stopped coming to see me, I had hoped that it was because you were finally doing better. But I've just checked with all of your teachers, and they did not have pretty tales to share with me."

He drew out his reading glasses from his pocket, and donned them as he retrieved a sheet of paper from his desk. "In addition to a refusal to work with other students, Fluttershy has shown worryingly little care for herself as a student or as a person. Homework is often turned in incomplete, she has a growing tendency of falling asleep in class, and she seems to take minimal hygienic care of her body. She has denied any inquiries of substance abuse, bullying from her peers, or abuse at the home environment. A parent-teacher advisory meeting is strongly recommended ASAP."

Fluttershy shrank down until she could shrink no more, feeling a stab of guilt.

"You don't want to get better, do you?" Mr. D asked. Fluttershy kept her eyes on the floor, unable to meet his gaze. "I'm not singling you out. It pains me to say, but you wouldn't be my first patient to reach that point. Which is why, of course, I'm worried that if this goes on for too long, you'll make an unfortunately irreversible decision."

...Fluttershy had thought about it, hadn’t she? It started out as just the innocent wonder if anyone would miss her. Then it evolved into why anyone would miss her. When no clear answer was declared, Fluttershy found herself entertaining the picture in her head of the overpass above the train tracks, and what a long fall it was. Daily, almost.

She could do it.

"I don't expect anything from you," Mr. D sighed. "But this meeting is happening. Regardless of how it ends, or if you even want help, I'd like for you to join me after school again. You don't have to, and I won't hound you to if you elect not to. I want to help you, Fluttershy. But now, the only person who can help you, is you."

Fluttershy held her breath. This was the farthest she had ever gone. A soft wind pushed at her back, as if urging her to do it. Fluttershy swallowed. This could be it. Why wasn't she sad? Wouldn't she be hurting her parents, and brother? Wouldn't she hurt Mr. D?

Didn't Honeysuckle hurt Fluttershy?

She reached a foot out. Would be painful? Would she even live long enough to feel it? She leaned forward. Should she fall feet or head first? Her grip on the chain link fence behind her lessened.

Is this what I want?

Clenching her teeth, Fluttershy carefully turned around. She scaled the fence, safely landing on the metal floor of the overpass. She scolded herself in shame. She was too scared to do it.

Not today. Not yet.

Fluttershy looked around. She was in an empty, nondescript courtyard. People were whispering. Where they were, or what they whispered about, Fluttershy couldn't tell.

"Loser."

That was the first word Fluttershy heard. It was followed by a slew of other familiar names thrown at Fluttershy. Freak, retard, pathetic, weak, bitch. They bounced harmlessly back; she had heard them too many times for them to do anything now.

"I hate you." Fluttershy gasped when she heard Autumn Chimes. He appeared from nowhere, fists curled. "Why couldn't you just leave me alone?"

Autumn was joined by Fluttershy's parents, her brother, Mr. D, Honeysuckle, and practically everyone who she had ever liked, all adding to the chorus of voices.

"Why are you so clingy?"

"Why are you such a disappointment?"

"I only took pity on you."

"I never really liked you."

Fluttershy pressed her hands to her ears, still failing to drown out the horrible confessions. She clenched her eyes shut.

"I don't care what happens to you."

"We'd be better off without you."

"I'm glad I left."

Fluttershy froze at the new voice. She looked up. Rainbow Dash stood in front of her, fury and disgust burning in her cold, magenta eyes.

"Do you actually think I wanted to be friends with you?"

"...No."

"Do you actually think I wanted to be friends with you?" Rainbow Dash repeated, her voice rising.

"No." Fluttershy sobbed. She whimpered when Rainbow Dash seized her arms and shook her violently, now shouting in her face.

"Do you actually think I wanted to be friends with you?!"

"NOOOOO!!!"

"Bah! Where? Where?"

Mr. Shy burst through the door wielding his wedge club, ready to cave in the skull of whoever was attacking his daughter. He frantically searched the room, but Fluttershy was alone. She quivered underneath her blanket, sobbing quietly.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." She whispered hoarsely.

"What happened?" Fluttershy's mother asked urgently as she appeared behind Mr. Shy. Zephyr Breeze also entered, awakened by the clammer.

"There... ah-" Mr. Shy rubbed the back of his head. Now knowing there was no danger, he realized just how un-threatening he looked in his white and blue-striped pajamas.

"Are you alright, dear?" Mrs. Shy asked as she moved to sit down beside Fluttershy. Still crying, Fluttershy shook her head.

"We need to try it." Mrs. Shy said firmly. "She won't tell us, but I know it's this school. It's just not working."

Mr. Shy ran his hand through his hair. "I don't know. Moving can be hard at their age."

"She's miserable here," Mrs. Shy exclaimed. "We've tried counseling, tutoring, and therapy. She's just not happy anymore!"

"I know. I've tried talking to her, but she won't open up."

"Exactly," Mrs. Shy exhaled to steady herself. "We have to transfer her. We'll spend more time with her. We'll take family counseling if we have to. I don't want to see either of my children like that ever again."

Fluttershy listened from the top of the stairs. She exchanged looks with her brother. He looked worried and confused. Fluttershy felt the same. Moving? It almost seemed too good to be true. But she couldn't bring herself to feel relieved.

In the back of her mind, Fluttershy cried at the unfairness of once again having her closest friend taken away from her.

Mr. D looked at his clock. 5:30. Most of the other faculty had left already. It would be time for him to close up shop too, soon. He sighed as he continued his task.

Three drops of freshly pressed raspberry, one spoonful of sugar, a splash of cream. He mixed it in for a minute, letting the ingredients dissolve. He raised the teacup to his lips, tasting the steaming liquid, then shook his head.

It still wasn't quite right.