40.5 - Asymmetric Everything
“So pretty much you just walk around in full plate armor and look for trouble, Sergeant?” The young adult unicorn enchantress wore a grey robe that covered her from head to tail. Three white stripes denoting her rank on the forelegs of the garment were the only ornamentation. The two were walking the sergeant’s beat down Hog’s Back Boulevard well away from Canterlot Castle. “And won’t you be too burdened down to give chase to any troublemakers?”
The burly middle-aged earth pony next to her laughed. He was a bay stallion with a white tail cut to military length and braided per regulation. “Well … probably. But ever since the invasion I’ve just felt more comfortable in full gear. I’m afraid I wasn’t any use to anyone that day. And it’s not like I’m the only one in the Royal Guard on that count.”
That produced a snort in response as the mare jerked her head once. Her coat, at least around the face, was revealed to be mint green in color. A tuft of pink mane showed for a moment beneath the cowl. “I think the students and teachers at our school could give you a run for your money for the ‘Utterly Worthless During Equestria’s Time of Need Award.’”
The soldier turned to face her. “Oh, how so?”
“No, no. You brought it up. You first.”
The stallion returned to scanning the street automatically as he continued. “How much do you know about how the Royal Guard patrols the city … or at least how they did before the Changeling Invasion?”
“Pretty much zip. I’m supposed to be learning as I go, remember?”
“And I appreciate your school sending you all out for some field experience, Adept Pixie Dust. Anyway, the standard unit was three or four ponies in a squad. Pegasi squads patrolling the sky with unicorn groups and earth pony groups on the ground.”
They rounded a corner and headed down Yearling Street towards the train station. “When Shining Armor’s shield shattered, groups of specialized changelings attacked each group. A dozen or so of their fastest flyers would overwhelm a pegasus patrol, force it to ground then glue them down with their resin. Then they’d take off again and repeat … excuse me.”
The sergeant hurried up to put himself in the way of traffic at an intersection, holding his hooves up authoritatively until an elderly mare completed her slow traverse of the street. When she had finished, he came up to her. “Ma’am, please use the designated crossing areas to cross the street.”
Bespectacled eyes came up to meet his. “Eh? Did you say something, sonny?”
Pixie Dust trotted up and used her magic to boom out her response. “HE SAID 'USE THE CROSSWALK!'”
“Oh, that wasn’t the crosswalk?” the mare replied, turning to the magic user for a moment. She began shuffling away. “Bloody glasses. I definitely need a new prescription. Don’t know when I’ll be able to make time to get one, though.”
The sergeant and the unicorn sighed simultaneously, then looked at each other. Together, they burst out in laughter.
“Oh, I just can’t handle the excitement!” she got out when the giggles had passed.
“You’d be surprised. That might be the highlight of your tour. Thanks, by the way. You did very well.”
She waved a hoof to ward off the compliment as they resumed their walk. “You were talking about the invasion?”
“Ah, yes. Unicorns squads were dive-bombed by changelings dropping magic-suppressing resin until every horn was covered. Earth ponies were confronted by a number of oversized changelings at their front, only to be glued in place by others sneaking in from behind. If the rear attack didn’t work, we were bull-rushed by the changelings in front.”
“I take it this was effective?”
He snorted. “More so than it had any right to be. The debriefs counted maybe two-thirds of the squads incapacitated during their first encounter, including the squad I was leading, I’m ashamed to say. They assigned specialized changelings to each task, planned their tactics to our weaknesses, and exploited them very effectively.”
“Nah! Not impressed! I’m afraid I’ll be the topper this time.” The mage-in-training was trying to scan the streets and alleyways like her partner. Unfortunately, it was boring as Tartarus and she knew she was falling into a predictable pattern. To change things up, she began looking at the upper floors and roofs of the surrounding apartments and shops.
“So let me start at the end of the story—after the invasion, we found the school superintendent in a green changeling pod in his basement.”
The earth pony’s eyebrows raised. “So he was replaced and the school was being run by a changeling?”
She nodded. “Exactly. He called all of the students and staff into the assembly hall as the shield was being pummeled. Lecturing us about our duty to defend Canterlot, blah, blah, blah. Then he burst open a bag of nullstone dust he had hidden on the ceiling.”
“That’s what magic-suppressor rings are made of, correct?”
“Yep. Only disrupted spell casting for a minute or so, but changelings started pouring in from every window and door, gooping up every horn and hoof they could get to. By the time that minute was done, it was all over.”
He winced. “OK, you win the Fail Championship. What happened to you, though?” The pair turned left onto Bucephalus Way, entering a more residential area.
“I turned around and bucked one in the face. While lining up a second changeling, one of my classmates bowled me over in her panic to get away. Before I could get up, my face was cemented to the floor.” She growled in remembrance. “That’s how I found out you can breathe through their resin.”
“You still did better than me,” he nodded.
She glanced at him. “Head Magus Red Atavist wasn’t impressed. After he was freed from the cocoon, he spent a full hour yelling at us and tearing up half the traditions of the school. No more spindly unicorns reading dusty tomes until first light. Upperclassmen are required to perform public service for the next two months, thus why I’m here. Did you know that the students convinced him to drop the P.E. requirement two years ago? Now a team of drill sergeants lead everypony in an hour of conditioning and self-defense exercises at dawn every single day.” They were approaching a group of foals laughing while looking up at a tree in one of the residential yards.
The sergeant chuckled, remembering his marine drill instructor from his days in the Equestrian Navy. “I’m surprised you can even walk! You have to be sore in muscles you didn’t know you even had.”
She flashed him a predatory grin. “Oh, but every problem is an opportunity, you see! On the first day of drill, I volunteered myself and Miss Velvet Stripe for test dummy … I mean hoof-to-hoof combat demonstration duty.”
He looked at her sideways. “This wouldn’t happen to be the same pony that ran into you during the invasion, would it?”
The enchantress raised her head and closed her eyes. “I know my rights. I’m not compelled to answer any question that would incriminate me or that scatter-brained idiot.” She smiled again. “I made out OK. I was used to roughhousing with my older brothers, so it wasn’t that much worse, plus I learned a few things—not to do.” She winced a bit, but soon her slightly-evil smile returned. “And the look on her face when I tried to nominate the both of us for the same punching bag duty for the rest of the week … oooooh, that made everything worth it!”
They could both see what held the foals attention now. The group was throwing rocks at a squirrel trapped high in the tree. Pixie Dust turned deliberately away while the sergeant faced them. “Hey! Leave that animal alone and get lost!”
He had the group’s attention now. The largest of the youths, a well-muscled earth pony stallion, mocked him openly. “Or what, old man? You’ll never catch any of us with all that weight hanging off your scrawny carcass.”
Before he could respond, a deep, guttural, echoing voice came from under the cloak. “Five.” When the pony turned its head to the youths, the unicorn’s face was gone, replaced with a grinning skull with red dots for eyes. Black fumes spiraled up the horn the drifted down onto the street. Even her cloak had shrunk around her, now showing the outlines of individual bones underneath. Her hooves were hidden under the edges of the robe which now reached the ground. “Five tasty souls.”
The youths all stopped moving and stared, all but their leader who threw a rock at the apparition. His aim was true, but the rock stuck in midair a few feet from the pony and proceeded to drift along with it. The specter began to float closer, the bottom of its robe billowing in an unnatural manner. “Five souls for the Dread Lord Magubliet. Pick a number.”
The sergeant tapped one hoof against his chin thoughtfully. “Let’s see. I’ll pick number …” But he was talking to open space. Only five dust clouds remained. One rock fell to the ground from the point it had been discarded, soon followed by the one floating near the skeletal mare. The squirrel looked down and chattered at the apparition.
“You’re welcome,” it said, replying in the same sepulchral tone. Its head turned to the Guardsman. The rictus grinning skull gradually returned to the shape of a smug unicorn mare. Simultaneously, the robe rose and filled out, showing the contours of her body once more.
“Amusing, but that wasn’t really necessary. I can’t condone that trick,” he said, the admonishment was light of tone, and he couldn’t keep a smile from his face.
Pixie Dust cocked her head to the side and furrowed her eyebrows. “Trick?” She couldn’t hold the serious expression for long, however.
The stallion harrumphed. “Well, as long as we’re clear that IN NO WAY did I authorize you to scare the horseapples out of those ruffians … who the heck is Magubliet anyway?”
This was answered with an airy wave of a hoof. “Oh, some god or something from Oubliettes and Ogres. By the way, this is turning out to be much more fun than I expected. I’m getting a chance to field test spells I never thought I’d use! It’s useful not to be a one-trick unicorn.”
“I’m not familiar with that term.”
They continued their walk as the unicorn explained. “That refers to a unicorn who can only do a single spell, or at least, is only good at just one. A graduate of the Magicians' Institute of Thaumaturgy has to be skilled in numerous areas of magic … at least that’s how it used to be …”
This had the stallion’s attention. “Something changed?”
She sighed. “Not all the news during the invasion was failure heaped on incompetence. Four Institute staff ponies found themselves in the main courtyard when the shield broke: an earth pony groundskeeper built like an ox, a pegasus delivery filly, and two unicorns who stayed on doing odd jobs after they dropped out. SHE could only levitate items and had worked for years to improve that ability. HE could make a shield strong enough to rival Shining Armor’s, but could only make it a maximum of a dozen or so paces wide, and he couldn’t maintain it when he moved. But ask either to light a candle, you’d be out of luck.”
“Anyway, the male unicorn dived under the mare and shielded her. She, meanwhile, started whizzing the groundskeeper through the air, where he would punch and kick the changelings, neutralizing one with each hit. The pegasus was fast as lightning and zipped everywhere, confusing the attackers and getting in a few hits of her own.” She glanced at her companion. “Your mention of specialized changelings makes sense. It wasn’t until a few minutes later that groups of changelings arrived that could effectively chase the pegasus while casting spells to try to slow her. They found themselves at the wrong end of an earth pony thrown into her wake from the opposite direction.”
He nodded. “So they covered for each other’s weaknesses. Did they discuss their strategy at all?”
She shook her head. “Nope. No need to. They each knew what the others could do. The changelings tried covering the earth pony in magic-resistant resin to make her lose her grip. But their resin is super sticky. She dragged him through loose gravel and rocks to regain her hold on him.”
He whistled. “Plus make him heavier and more deadly.”
The adept gave that shark-like grin again. “Oh, it was better than that. Sure, the earth pony couldn’t move now, but he was protected by layers of resin and earth. Now she could fling him around at her full strength without worrying about injuring him.”
“The changelings tried covering the unicorns and their shield with battering changelings, resin, and even bricks. Each time, the shield would be shrunk to the point only a few changelings could touch it, the surrounding area would be tenderized with extreme prejudice by the earth pony ball, then the shield expanded quickly to throw everything away. The ‘lings even tried flying in a huge boulder in their magic but the pegasus picked off the levitators one by one until they dropped it. When they tried to disguise themselves as panicked ponies, the pegasus had seen changelings transform earlier and gave warning. Eventually, the changelings gave up and gave the courtyard a wide berth. We later estimated that between 60 and 75 changelings were incapacitated or killed by the four.”
“Wow! That has to be the military success story of the invasion. Ummm … but not accomplished by the military.”
Pixie Dust grinned. “The head drill sergeant called it the best example of successful … uh … Asymptotic Warfare?”
The earth pony nodded. “Asymmetric Warfare. It means when the two combatants have vastly different sizes or battle techniques.”
“That’s it!" She paused a moment. "It’s somewhat ironic, really. Our graduates are always overshadowed by those of Celestia’s school. It’s been a generation since somepony from M.I.T. was awarded the Order of Celestia. Yet the invasion produced four recipients: our deliver pony, an assistant gardener, and two dropouts. Another reason why the superintendent is turning the school on its head.”
As they had talked, the suburbs ended and they had continued onto Bourbon Street. Bars and small eateries lined both sides, with an occasional food cart vendor hawking their goods. Ponies scurried about to catch dinner or to get their evening festivities started.
The guardspony motioned down the street. “Are you hungry for a spicy roasted corn ear? There’s a vendor just at the end of the block I can heartily recommend. The recipe comes from Mexicolt City. They call it ‘Elote.’ ”
She sighed. “Well, if that’s the most exciting thing on Bourbon Street—”
They were interrupted by pony screams, followed by several ponies jumping out the front door and through every window of the nearest bar.
The two galloped towards the establishment. Pixie Dust glanced up at the placard outside the shop. The fading paint showed a pink unicorn winking knowingly down at passersby while sporting anatomically questionable features. “Is The Busty Mare usually this boisterous at dinnertime?”
They came to a stop to allow the rest of the clientele to make their hurried exit. The sergeant freed his spear from its holster. “It’s The Lusty Mare, and no, it’s not. At least outside of hoofball season.”
Ponies formed a rough semicircle around the front of the bar, waiting expectantly. Soon, a changeling drone calmly stepped outside and politely closed the door. “There’s no way my gas is that bad. What’s up with these ponies?” it grumbled.
It glanced up and saw the staring crowd. “Wonderful idea, my friends! Let’s take the party outside! Barkeep, you are in charge of beer-shuttling so nopony’s throat gets dry.”
There weren’t any screams or talking, just lots and lots of gaping mouths. “Well, come on then!” The changeling stumbled a bit over its own hooves. “Who wants to start a sea shanty. Me? OK!” The sound of a fiddle from far away began to waft over the crowd.
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh—”
A crusty one-eyed earth stallion spat and yelled out, “Who do ye think ye are to start a sea shanty? Ye haven’t the right to begin one!” The fiddle died away as quickly as it had come.
The changeling turned a bit too quickly and fought for its balance a moment. “But sea shanties must be allowed to run their course! It’s disrespectful for all those who make the sea their home to do otherwise!”
Said earth pony flexed his considerable foreleg muscles for a moment, chewing on his pipe. “Well, in that yer right, but ye didn’t answer me question.”
The changeling shook his head, apparently in an attempt to toss his mane impressively behind him. Unfortunately, his changeling form did not have one. He did succeed in striking a dashing pose. “I am everyone’s friend. I am your confidant in all places alcoholic. I am the life of every party. I am … Barfly Gadfly!”
A gasp came from several in the crowd. “You aren’t Gadfly, you’re a changeling!” exclaimed a portly unicorn with an exceptionally bristly mustache.
Gadfly changed his pose only to point a hoof in the stallion’s direction. “Au contraire, Monsieur Wimpy Hat. Did you not tell me you would pay me today for the hayburger I bought you Tuesday?”
The unicorn took off his bowler hat and began worrying it between his hooves. “Oh, drat. I suppose it is him.”
Having heard enough, the sergeant declared “Stand down and put your hooves in front of you!”
“Sacrebleu! It’s the coppers!” The changeling immediately rolled onto his back and presented all four of his hooves straight up in the air.
The Royal Guardsman blinked. “What are you doing?”
“Well, I figured standing down was the opposite of standing up. How am I doing?” A few chuckles came from the crowd. “No, not right?” He smoothly righted himself with considerable dexterity, only slightly ruined by falling onto his rump. “Well, the party has just started, so you are just going to have to wait, fuzz-pony.” He turned and waved a hoof across all those assembled. “Now who’s ready for the first round on me?” The crowd began to buzz with conversation.
The soldier ground his teeth. “You will allow yourself to be arrested, changeling, or I will subdue you by force.”
The changeling sighed and returned his attention to the earth pony. “You have me at a disadvantage, General. Might I ask your name?”
“It’s Sargeant Ironbottom of the Royal Guard, changeling.” He retrieved a stone disk with a hole in the center from his pack. “Now stick out your horn for this magic suppression ring.”
Barfly gaped and laughed. “ 'Ironbottom'!?!? Seriously? Who names their foal ‘Ironbottom’!?”
The sergeant bristled. “It’s a type of ship. Now hold still.” He moved forward with the ring.
The changeling pranced backward. “No, no! That name just won’t do! We’ll just have to give you a new one.”
“That’s not how it works … and get back here!"
The changeling stopped and pointed back at the Royal Guardsman. “Lead Butt! Or Butt-er Brain! Maybe Shining Buttinsky? Butthead! Head Butt! Come on, work with me! That’s the least offensive one I can come up with!” Chuckles rolled through the crowd of ponies.
Ironbottom pointed his spear. “Say that word one more time …”
“What, you mean I can’t say the conjunction excluding ‘and,’ ‘or,’ and ‘nor’? I can’t say ‘flying but-tress’? Or ‘but-tonholes’?” The laughter was building now.
Pixie Dust trotted up to the sergeant. “Looks like this one qualifies as a ‘friendly drunk.’ ”
Barfly Gadfly gasped. “What radiant beauty is this? Your garment cannot hide conformation beyond compare! And your inner grace shines on everypony around you, making us all better than even our dreams would allow. Is this your daughter hiding her beauty under those robes?” he said as he turned to the soldier, then sadly shook his head. “No, nevermind. No mare could be pretty enough to produce such radiant splendor with the likes of you, Steel Bottom.” More snickers from the crowd.
The changeling threw himself down on one knee before the unicorn. “I declare now with all of Equestria as my witness, you, Sugar Flanks, are the most beautiful maiden in all the land, and I will follow you to the ends of Tartarus if you would have me.”
Pixie Dust pulled a step back, raising a front hoof. She stared at the changeling who spun around, raising a foreleg above his head.
“Tell me, everyling, who thinks the Guardspony here is far too ugly to produce such a sweet majesty as Honey Britches here?”
One young pony with a beanie cap hesitantly raised a hoof.
Gadfly sighed. “All right then, let’s try this again. Who here would rather see the posterior of Luscious Loins here than that of Mr. No-Party-Zone?” He reared on his hind legs, raising both forelegs high above his head. This time many hooves were raised. Ironbottom frowned, noticing that not a few mare’s hooves were raised as well as basically all the stallions.
“It’s official!” declared Gadfly, looking haughtily at the soldier. “You’re not just ugly …”
The crowd chanted behind him on queue, “YOU'RE BUTT-UGLY!”
The changeling shrugged his shoulders and held his hooves up by his sides. “I didn’t say it!” He then fell back to all fours. Pixie Dust tried to stifle a laugh but wasn’t successful.
The sergeant snarled. “I’m ordering you, changeling. Put on the ring.”
“Of course! Right after my…" He paused dramatically. "… proclamation!”
“… What?”
“I must proclaim my love in the Pony Way! Observe!” The changeling moved right in front of Pixie Dust, lowered his head, and began pounding out a rhythm on the cobblestones. After 8 beats, a murmuring was heard from the ponies in time with the beat. After 4 more beats, a pony formed up on either side, both pounding the ground in time with the changeling. The chanting grew loud enough to be heard. “ooga-chaka, ooga-ooga.” 2 more ponies formed up beside the others. “Ooga-chaka, Ooga-ooga.” Pixie Dust backed up, wide-eyed, from the dance line rapidly forming in front of her. The sound of drums began filling the air. 2 more. “Ooga-Chaka! Ooga-Ooga!” 2 more. “OOGA-CHAKA! OOGA-OOGA!” All stamping ponies and one changeling rose their heads together, raising their voices as one. “… aaaaaAAAAAHHH!”
Gadfly Barfly looked directly at the unicorn mare, who was now holding a hoof against her chest, and belted out in a fine baritone.
“I can’t stop this feeling!”
Ironbottom jumped in front of the singing group. “Stop that! It’s silly! There will be no song and dance numbers led by changelings while I’m on duty!”
The drums ended abruptly. “Awwww …” was heard from many of the ponies as they slowly shuffled back to their former places.
“But this is what I do! I make ponies happy!” protested Gadfly.
“Need I remind everypony about the invasion we just survived?” The Sergeant scanned the crowd. “These bugs are not our friends.” He turned his attention back to the changeling, holding out the suppressor ring. “This is your last chance.”
Gadfly danced a short jig, ending with his front hooves crossed and sticking his tongue out. “No.”
The Guardsman grabbed his spear with both forehooves and pulled it into a backswing over his head.
Gadfly rose a hoof. “However!”
Ironbottom stopped. The changeling looked over to the crowd briefly “Did you see what I did there?” and got a few smiles and nods in return. He turned back to face the soldier. “However! I will allow the most beautiful mare in Equestria to do so. In faaaaaact …”
With a flash of green fire, a copy of Princess Celestia replaced the changeling. She struck a regal pose. “Under my authority as patron saint of all drinking establishments, and because I am really, really old, I, Princess Sun-butt the First, do hereby declare Laboratory Sweeper Last Class Tasty Rump to be the most beautiful side of ponyflesh in all the land!”
Pixie Dust lowered her hoof and furrowed her brows. “My rank is ‘Adept.’ ”
“I declare Adept Yummy Hocks as the finest Candlestick Polisher and Bottle Washer in Canterlot.”
The mare jerked her head back with wide eyes, then they narrowed and began glowing white, as did her horn. “Oh, that tears it!”
The Canterlot ponies then saw the curious sight of Princess Celestia rapidly backpedaling away from the much smaller mare. “I … I mean her Grace the Reverent and Forgiving Arch-Magus Candy Thighs!”
Pixie Dust stopped moving forward—the glow left her eyes, but not her horn. “Better.”
“Stop messing around, miscreant,” said the soldier, his voice growling like a timber wolf. Pixie Dust walked up to him and took the ring. She approached the changeling. “Now drop your disguise and put this on. It won’t hurt a bit.”
A wave of green fire revealed his original form. “For you, my damsel, anything your heart desires. Bu—, umm, however, isn’t there something else I can do to prove my love?”
She grinned lopsidedly and reached out to place the ring on his horn. He quickly snapped his head up and took it in his mouth. Pulling back, he said around the stone disk, “This tastes terrible!”
She chuckled. “That’s because you put it over your horn, doofus.”
He brightened. “I’ve been promoted to ‘doofus’! A wonderful start!” Dutifully, he moved the ring over his horn and dropped it onto his head with a slight thunk. “Ow.” Barfly waited for a moment, then glanced nervously at Pixie Dust. “Am I still a changeling?”
She guffawed and nodded her head.
“Whew! For a moment there I thought you were going to tell me I had just been married to ‘But-no-I-don’t-want-to—’”
His rambling was cut off by a spear shaft impacting his skull with a dull "thwack." The changeling collapsed in a heap.
The sergeant straightened up. “I suppose I could have clonked him when he said that word while in the Princess's form. Seemed kind of disrespectful at the time, though.” He holstered his spear. “Right then! Off we go to jail, with a stop at the secure hospital wing first. Would you carry your coltfriend in your magic, please?”
Pixie Dust scowled as her magic surrounded the changeling, lifting him in the air. “Was that really necessary?”
Ironbottom gave her a big smile as he led the way through the parting crowd. “Oh, absolutely not, but it was amusing.”
The multitude of milling changelings were talking to themselves outside of the jail. Every once in a while, one would modify their appearance a bit with a flash of green fire.
Shining Armor, again in unicorn form, cleared his throat. The changelings became quiet and all eyes turned to him. “Is anyling missing? Look around and tell me if there is a changeling you don’t see.”
More murmuring and looks back and forth. Flick Wing spoke up. “Has anyling seen Barfly Gadfly?”
Laughs erupted all around. Straight Horn said, “Did he seriously sleep through the whole thing?”
Other changelings chimed in. “Obviously he passed out again!” “Drunk on love, always late for the party!” “I’m sure he’s happier singing to the porcelain throne than being here!”
Cadance frowned. “Who is this?”
Flick Wing turned to his queens. “He’s a roustabout who thinks he’s Celestia’s gift to every bar patron in Canterlot—when he’s conscious.”
Careful stepped up to Shining Armor, waving for the other changeling to quiet down. "My queen, close your eyes and try scanning again. Walk all the way around your changelings and scan outwards."
Shining did as he was instructed but only took a few steps before he raised a hoof and pointed. “I feel a dim warmth from that direction, and close.” He opened his eyes. “It’s the castle hospital.” Narrowing them, he found he could superimpose both types of vision. “In the secure ward for prisoners to be precise.”
His new changelings burst out in mirth, some rolling on the ground. “Yep!” “That’s our Barfly, all right!” “Can’t keep his hooves out of trouble.”
The new queen sighed as he trotted forward. At least he had happy new subjects. “Come along.”
Pixie Dust set the changeling gently on the hospital bed. Like the IV stand behind it, the bed was securely bolted to the floor. Sergeant Ironbottom chose one of the four manacles that lined the cinder block walls and closed it onto one of the changeling’s forehooves. Light muttering sounds came from the prisoner.
“Do you mind if I wake him up and try to interrogate him? That would be awesome!” The unicorn practically bounced in place.
“Do you remember the protocol from this morning for changelings?”
She waved a hoof. “Yeah, yeah. I just think he has a thing for me and he’s more likely to answer my questions than yours.”
He chuckled. “Indeed. He couldn’t possibly resist the charms of the most beautiful mare in Equestria.” That earned him a flat glare. He chuckled again. “Fine! I’ll be at the end of the hallway. I truly don’t think he’s a threat to you, or maybe even anypony. Yell if you need anything.”
As the Guardspony walked past the open cell door and down the hallway, Pixie Dust frowned, levitating off her robe. “Why is it always so warm and humid in hospitals anyway?” She folded it carefully and placed it on the floor. Her pink mane was braided expertly with only a shock of it falling above her eyes. Several piercings decorated the back of each ear. Her now revealed mint-green coat darkened slightly as it traveled down her legs. Her cutiemark was pink butterfly wings with a trail of multi-colored sparkles below. She wore a gold triangular medallion on a chain, the circular royal image of the day and night alicorns chasing each other’s tails embossed on the surface.
“Hey! Wakey-wakey!” Only light snoring answered her. With a flash of her horn, a head-sized water balloon appeared above the bed and fell onto the changeling, who awoke sputtering the water away.
“I SAID ARE YOU AWAKE NOW?” yelled the mare.
The changeling tried to bring his forehooves up to cover his ears but was stopped short on one side. “Ow! Ow!”
“OH, SORRY! DO YOU HAVE A HEADACHE?”
He whined, rolling on the bed. “Yes! Yes! A Love Hangover! The worst kind! I’ll answer any questions you have, miss! Just please don’t talk so loud!”
She smiled. “Oh, good. I was hoping you would cooperate. Now then, where is the real pony you replaced?”
He looked up at her with bloodshot eyes. “Excuse me?”
She raised her volume slightly. “Changelings replace ponies when they infiltrate. Where is the real Gadfly Barfly?”
He started to shake his head, then changed his mind with a wince. “It’s Barfly Gadfly. And I made up the identity myself.” She gave him her hopefully most intimidating glare. She drew in a deep breath and opened her mouth.
“No, no! Really! What better identity could there be than the friendly drunk who is always getting a laugh from everypony, never seen anywhere but in the bars and party spots around town?”
Pixie Dust tapped the floor with a hoof. “Hmmmm. I guess I’ll believe you for the moment. Where is Queen Chrysalis right now?”
He shrugged and raised himself into a sitting position. “I dunno. Back at the hive, probably. She’s been sulking ever since the invasion.”
Her eyes brightened. “Really? And where is that exactly?”
He paused. “Do you want me to draw you a map?”
She smiled and pointed her ears forward. “Yes, please.”
Gadfly folded his ears onto his head. “Well forget it.” She took in another deep breath. “Do your worst! It’s nothing compared to what Queen Chrysalis would do to me …” he shuddered, looking down into his hooves. “… one piece at a time …”
The unicorn chewed her cheek for a moment and cocked her head. “Do you even recognize me?”
He brought his eyes back up. “Ummm … Beer Bong Night last weekend at The Happy Heifer?” She shook her head. “Bottle spinning at Palamino Joe’s?”
She snorted. “No, but that does sound like fun.”
Gadfly groaned and held his head with the one available hoof. “I got nothin’.”
“ ’The Most Beautiful Mare in Equestria’?”
The changeling looked up, gasping. “Sugar Flanks?”
Her smile ended. “No. Pixie Dust.”
He retreated back into the headboard. “Oh, shards, I remember it all now! I made fun of Princess Celestia, didn’t I? And she sent you to ‘collect me,’ didn’t she? O-o-o-o-oh, by the first egg! This is bad!” He started to hyperventilate. “She’s going to steam me, crack me open and eat me with melted butter, isn’t she?”
Pixie Dust’s mouth dropped open. “What? No! She doesn’t eat ponies or talking bugs or anything like that!”
He screamed. “YOU LIE! Tales of her gluttony are legendary even out in the Badlands! I’m just an appetizer to her!”
She yelled back, “I swear she would not eat a changeling!” Then, after she lowered her voice “… at least as long as you don’t disguise yourself as a cake.”
The changeling cowered on the bed, his body shaking uncontrollably.
She smirked. “Besides, she’s not your biggest problem right now.”
He peeked over his hooves. “Why not? How could the situation be any worse?”
“Exactly how do you think I felt about being called all those names?”
Gadfly stammered, his shaking starting to lessen. “W-w-well, there were so many ponies around with all their emotions. A-and now I can’t feel anything because of this ring, so … maybe … amused?” He perceived the ‘hairy eyeball.’ “Not amused?”
With a brief glow of her horn, the shackle opened and fell away. She advanced slowly, a predatory gleam in her eyes.
“N-n-now don’t be hasty! I apologize if anything I said or sung was—”
She cut him off by pressing her mouth against his. Gadfly’s wings shot outwards as he swallowed the passion in the kiss. After a few moments, she pulled back.
“Do you know exactly how long I have been waiting for somepony to express their love to me with a song?”
“Ummm … exactly one …” Pixie Dust smiled expectantly. “… week?” She frowned. “… month?”
“Lifetime,” she said, correcting him.
“What? But why? You’re wonderful!” he said, exclaiming with unhesitating sincerity.
She smiled a bit shyly. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I …” She jerked her head closer and widened her eyes. “… scare stallions away with my assertiveness?”
Gadfly scoffed. “Well, I don’t think you’re scary.” He glanced at her horn. “I-I mean, most of the time!” He continued staring, wondering if it would be the last thing he would see.
Pixie Dust hmmmmmmmed for a moment. “Actually, since you were so rudely interrupted, perhaps you’d like to try again?”
“Excuse me?”
“You know …'ooga-chaka, ooga-ooga.' ”
“Oh! That song. No, that won’t work now.” Pixie Dust glared, her eyes beginning to glow slightly. “I mean, now I know you better! I have a much better feel for you. That song just … doesn’t fit, really. Too generic.”
Her eyes resumed their normal purple hue. “Go on.”
The changeling took a deep breath. He motioned her back. She retreated to the entrance of the cell, giving him room to step in front of the hospital bed.
A soft guitar chord began from somewhere nearby. He opened his mouth to sing.
It's by far the hardest thing I've ever done, to be so in love with you and so alone.
Follow me where I go, what I do and who I know, make it part of you to be a part of me.
Follow me up and down, all the way and all around, take my hoof and say you'll follow me.
Ironbottom came up behind them, gently strumming a guitar.
It's long been on my mind, you know, it's been a long, long time.
I'll try to find the way that I can make you understand
the way I feel about you and just how much I need you
to be there where I can talk to you when there's no one else around.
Follow me where I go, what I do and who I know, make it part of you to be a part of me.
Follow me up and down, all the way and all around, take my hoof and say you'll follow me.
The sergeant smiled at Pixie Dust, gave her a shrug, and continued down the hallway.
You see, I'd like to share my life with you and show you things I've seen,
places that I'm going to and places where I've been.
To have you there beside me and never be alone,
and all the time that you're with me, then we will be at home.
Follow me where I go, what I do and who I know, make it part of you to be a part of me.
Follow me up and down, all the way and all around, take my hoof and I will follow you.
Ironbottom strode up while the last notes were falling away from his guitar. His smile was matched by one from Pixie Dust. He sighed. “I’m just not going to think about where the guitar came from or how I suddenly knew how to play it. Just safer that way.” He gently lay the instrument on the ground and walked back towards his original spot.
The unicorn mare smiled broadly at the changeling and clapped her hooves slowly. “That was fantastic! Everything I could have ever wanted! And so heartfelt!”
“Thank you,” beamed Gadfly. “Changelings can only sing truly from the heart.”
“However,” began the enchantress as she sauntered towards him. Gadfly quickly ran out of room and found himself sitting on the bed, then lying down as the mare continued to press forward. “I’m more interested right now in seeing the ‘life of the party’ pony that I met earlier today.” She rested her body weight on the helpless changeling, staring into his eyes. “Can you tell me where to find him?”
“Oh, well ... unfortunately, he has a bit of a headache right now.”
“Ah, yes. I think I know just the cure for your hangover.” This time she really got into the kiss and was only a little surprised when he started returning it enthusiastically. Both roamed their hooves over each other’s bodies, getting to know them and trying to elicit moans and gasps. After few minutes, she pulled up for air and panted.
“Better?” she asked.
“Umm. Only a little?” he asked, with a much more confident smile.
Pixie Dust narrowed her eyes and took on a grin much better suited for a carnivore. “There you are!”
“That’s just amazing!” commented a voice from behind them. Both looked to the entrance to the cell to find Prince Shining Armor, Princess Cadance, and more changelings than you can shake a stick at; all peering in at them.
Pixie Dust tried to disentangle herself. “Oh, Your Highnesses! I, uh … was just interrogating the prisoner—”
Shining Armor held up a foreleg. “No need to get up. I see you have everything, and everyling, well in hoof.”
Gadfly gaped. He faintly felt the link connecting him to his new queens. He pointed to the Prince and Princess in turn. “You are … you both are …” He quickly put together that all his fellow changeling infiltrators now had the same connection. “Oh dear.”
Pixie Dust finally struggled to her hooves beside the bed. “Actually, your highnesses, Barfly Gadfly did willingly tell me that Queen Chrysalis is currently moping in her hive located in the Badlands.”
“I never …” began the changeling before stopping himself. He frowned. “Blast it.”
“But how does he do it?” Straight Horn’s eyes glided over the chains and manacles attached to the walls. “Is that the secret?” She turned to her queens. “Is bondage the way to a pony’s heart? Both giving and receiving?”
Shining Armor smirked for a moment the turned to his wife. “What do you say, dear? After all, you’re the expert.”
Cadance glared at her husband. Her face and front turned a much darker shade of pink. “A lady does not talk about such things.” Snickers escaped the lips of Careful, who already knew the answer.
“Oh, so it’s for stallions to tell them, then? OK.” Shining turned towards Straight Horn. “You see, first you get—umn mmmnn mhhh?”
Cadance left her hoof in Shining’s mouth. “Ignore the village idiot. We can discuss your question another time when it is more appropriate.” Most of the changelings broke out in relaxed laughter. Gadfly was astounded. Not just two queens, but ones that weren’t above clowning for the amusement of their hive? Whose pride wasn’t more important than the love they had for each other and their flock? At that moment, he was happy to call this new hive his home.
Shining gently licked his tongue over the sensitive frog of his wife’s hoof. She instantly pulled it away, if anything, blushing more. He turned to Gadfly. “Please come to the Crystal Empire and your new home as soon as you are able. I charged Sergeant Ironbutt with taking a message to the princesses, asking them to let you leave on your own recognizance.” He then turned to face Pixie Dust. “I promise he will be able to return to you soon.”
Cadance chivied the group down the hallway. “Move along! Nothing to see here! Move along!” While waving her hooves, she perhaps accidentally slapped her husband on the rear. Rather hard.
Pixie Dust and Gadfly looked at each other. As the sounds of hoofsteps faded, he cleared his throat. “Well, before I have to leave, was there something more you wanted to do?” he asked, with a bit of hope in his voice.
Her predatory grin returned. A jangly guitar started up. One of the recently departed changelings had slipped up unnoticed and picked up the discarded instrument.
She marched forwards, rolling her shoulders.
Oh don't you dare look back
Just keep your eyes on me
I said you're holding back
Several more changelings appeared to chant the chorus.
She said shut up and dance with me!
Pixie Dust continued, every changeling bobbing its head to the beat.
This changeling is my destiny
I said oh oh oh
Another dozen changelings arrived.
Shut up and dance with me!
Just down the hallway, the few remaining changelings were rapidly abandoning their queens. Princess Cadance stood with her hooves outstretched, shaking visibly. “Honey, try to resist it,” encouraged her husband. “Remember, you didn’t marry me for my singing voice.”
She gritted her teeth. “I’m trying … but …” Her pupils dilated suddenly. She turned and sprinted back up the hallway. “It’s a love song!”
Shining sighed and dutifully followed. “Definitely not in any marriage contract I signed.”
Author's Note
Thanks to Damaged for letting my muse play with his universe and characters.
Thanks also to John Denver, Blue Swede, Walk the Moon, and all who make the sea their life and their love.
