Crabaclysm!

by ThePoneDrome

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Rarity, Random, Violence, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4778

A giant crab comes to terrorize Canterlot, and by extension, Rarity. Good thing she has a shotgun.

When a gigantic mutant crab terrorizes Canterlot, it's up to Rarity to save the day! With only a shotgun and her fabulous looks by her side, will she be able to push back the... Crabaclysm!?

Cover art edited by Caligari87.
Edited by Pearple Prose. Sorry.

Published 2018-04-01 20:10:12 UTC
Last updated 2018-04-01 20:10:12 UTC

Rarity Gets Crabs

If there was one thing Rarity never pictured herself doing, it was plummeting towards the ground at terminal velocity whilst battling a giant mutant crab with a shotgun.

And yet, here she was, fighting for her life, pumping shell after shell into the vile beast as fast as she could. And worst of all? The only casualty so far had been her glorious coiffure!

That was when it became Personal, with a capital P.

It had all started about an hour ago, right when Rarity was resisting the urge to bludgeon one of her customers to death.

“All I’m saying,” said the mare,, “is that I want it to be blood red in color. That’s hot, isn’t it? Isn’t red, like, the color of love or passion or something?”

“Yes, well—” Rarity started.

“And I figured,” the mare continued, gesturing to the plastic industrial-size buckets next to her, “that the best way to get that authentic color was with real blood.” She punctuated her statement by tapping the bucket. It sloshed around ominously. ”I don’t get what the problem is. Is it a supply issue? Should I go get some more?”

Rarity’s eye twitched.

“I swear it’s fresh!”

It was then that the world started to spin. The stench of those buckets was overwhelming, and it took all of Rarity’s willpower to avoid vomiting on her clientele. Her legs turned to jelly, and before she knew it she was falling backwards.

Then the buckets themselves started to teeter. They fell – thankfully – away from her, and so the shriek on the other side of the counter was both satisfying and revolting. By the time the windows started shaking and the display racks were being tossed around, Rarity had deduced that something was horribly wrong with Canterlot.

When the tremors stopped, Rarity scrambled to her hooves and ran outside, but not before using her magic to fashion a bridge out of buckets to avoid touching the new – and rather macabre – coat of paint her store now sported. Her heart wept for her store but she knew there were more important matters at hoof, and as an Element Bearer, even if she didn’t exactly have an Element to bear anymore, it was her duty to find out what was going on.

Outside, she saw ponies in various states: weeping, panicking, and most of all, pointing skywards. She looked up.

At the tallest point of the city, near the summit, was a gigantic crab.

With keen eyes, Rarity sized it up to be about as big as the castle—maybe bigger. It snapped its claws at the Wonderbolts as they flied by, its angry-red body clutching onto the mountain side. Globs of foam spilled from its mouth, sizzling the rocky surface.

A whole platoon of heavily armed guards came thundering down the street. Princess Luna lead the charge. One of the guards carried a black box half the size of their body on their back.

“Princess Luna!” Rarity cried, running into the the street.

“Guards, halt!” Princess Luna commanded. “This spot should be good enough. Be vigilant!” The guards nodded and set the black case onto the ground.

Princess Luna turned to Rarity. “You must get to safety, quickly! Canterlot is not safe at the moment!” A roar echoed throughout the city, making everypony’s coats stand on end. “My sister is trying to slow down El Cangrejos as we speak.”

A puzzled expression crossed the fashionista’s face. “El Cangrejos?” Rarity asked, turning back to the crab. At that moment, the sky flashed a brilliant white, and Rarity covered her eyes reflexively. When she lowered her hoof, she gasped.

Princess Celestia shot through the sky, like a second sun streaking through the air. The Wonderbolts backed off as she shot a dazzling array of magic into the creature’s chitinous body.

Rarity swiveled back to Luna. “Your Majesty... Princess Luna, is there any way I can help?” she asked, her voice firm.

A cat-like grin spread across the alicorn’s muzzle. “I daresay that your services shall not be needed. After all, it looks like our sister is whipping up a wondrous crab flambé as we speak.” Luna scrunched up her muzzle. “Mhm, quite a shame actually.”

“Er, how come?”

Luna’s smile returned, a tad more smug. “One of our engineers had recently finished working on a prototype device that could be used at range in case of world-ending emergencies,” she said.

“...I see.”

“Alas, a shame that it will go unus—”

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!”

All heads whipped upwards. The street let out a horrified gasp as Princess Celestia’s body shot earthwards, her brilliant aura snuffed out, and disappeared behind the mountain. Silence descended over the street like a thick haze. The only sound now was the deep crunch of six massive crab legs against walls of stone and ice.

“Oh, shit!” one pony cried.

The crowd exploded into a terrified mess, scattering throughout the city.

Luna cursed. “Damnable creature!” she spat. “A lucky strike! Guards, attack! I must attend to my sister!” Luna shot towards the heavens with a singular flap of her wings before angling herself towards Celestia.

The guards shouted a quick confirmation before fanning out into a defensive formation, the guard unpacking the black box in the center. Each one of them craned their necks to watch as their leader, a black bandana-wearing earth pony with a body built like a brick house, undid the latches and pulled out the strangest and most oddly alluring device she had ever seen.

It was a sleek, elegant thing, like one of her own ensembles. Unlike those, however, it was made completely out of metal. Its smooth curves reflected the city of Canterlot in muted grey colors thanks to a polished finish. While she watched the guard heft it with ease, Rarity took note on how the contours of the gadget allowed for it to rest comfortably on his shoulder, on how the trigger mechanism was guarded snug within another ring of metal to stop accidental fire, and how the little protrusion on the edge of the barrel would help with aiming.

Rarity had only ever worked with fabric and lace in her life, but even she could appreciate the seamless aesthetics of the piece, machined to immaculate precision, all brought together thanks to thoughtful design choices.

Rarity fanned at her flaming cheeks. “Wh-what is that thing?”

“They call this” —he cocked back the pump, the click sending shivers down Rarity’s spine— “a shotgun.”

“A shotgun...” Rarity repeated, softly giggling to herself. Then she slapped herself in the face, remembering the dire situation at hoof. “Focus!” she said, more to herself then the guards. “Now don’t just stand there trying to act cool!”

He blinked. “Cool?”

“There’s a monster on the loose! You heard the Princess’ orders! Take aim and blast that foul creature away before it can wreak any more havoc, brave sir!”

“Oh, um, yes, ma’am.” The guard pressed the shotgun against his shoulder, cheeks flushed as he lined up his shot. Setting the sights squarely onto the monster, he squeezed the trigger.

There was a bang, a flash, and a yelp all at once.

Blinking stars out of her eyes, Rarity found the space in front of her no longer occupied by the bulky guardspony. Instead, she found him three feet away from that spot, flat on his back twitching like a cockroach. “Oh my... are you alright, sir?” she asked.

“Holy crap!” Another guard, a smaller one, ran over. “Lieutenant! Speak to me, sir! Are you okay?”

The lieutenant moaned. “He’s alive!” the smaller guardspony shouted. Perhaps Rarity was going to have to rescind that whole idea of “thoughtful design choices”.

“Did... did we get it?” wheezed the lieutenant.

Everypony turned towards the crab and gasped. Not at the crab, though.

Instead, all eyes were locked onto the spot across the street where a street vendor’s cart had been a moment ago. Now it was currently occupied by a pile of colorful wood chips peppered with a multitude of smoking holes. Rarity realized two things right there; one, that while, yes, the Princess was certainly correct when she called the shotgun a weapon that could be used from a distance, said distance was pitifully short. However...

The second thing, she realized with a beating heart and hitched breath, was that this was no ordinary weapon—this was a living, breathing dragon that spewed destruction and carnage at whatever it was aimed at. It demanded fear and respect, shock and awe. Traces of magical energy were embedded into the rosy fire hydrant two feet away from the splinters, into the brick and mortar of the flower shop behind it, and with her keen eye for detail she could make out the little craters left behind from the blast.

Though she was loathe to admit it out loud, Rarity felt another emotion surge through her body: heart-pounding, adrenaline-fueled excitement.

“Uhhhh. No, well uh... no, we didn’t get it, sir.” A bead of sweat rolled down the guard’s brow. He gulped, visibly. “In fact, I think we just made it angrier.”

Another roar tore its way down the cobblestone streets, windows shattered. The tremors came back in full force. El Cangrejos pushed into the city.

And he was heading straight for them.

“Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap! What do we do?” one guard screamed.

“I don’t want to die!” another yelled.

“Hey look, I found a bit!” a third shouted, merrily.

The lieutenant pushed himself onto this his hooves. “Tactical retreat! We’ll try and lead it towards the park, men!” He glared at Rarity. “You too, miss!”

The seamstress quickly nodded, all too eager to be anywhere but here. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way she made the mistake of looking back.

The crab wasn’t far behind. It smashed through buildings like they were children’s toys. It picked up a candy shop with ease and swung its claw in a wide arc, sending it flying in their general direction, and Rarity (along with some of the soldiers) shrieked in terror. Its aim was off, however, and so it crashed into another building, sending bricks flying. Rarity hoped nopony was in there.

Getting away from the thing wasn’t easy. If the tremors were bad when it was at the top of the mountain, then they were hellish down here. Everypony kept stumbling and it made trying to dodge the falling debris a nightmare. At this rate Canterlot would fall off the mountain!

Finally they reached Cliffside Park, a picturesque expanse of greenery on overlooking a fantastic view of the surrounding countryside. Rarity leaned on a tree and wheezed. Said tree was also was having a hard time dealing with the earthquake and toppled over, forcing her to jump out of the way with a squeal.

“Well what do we do now?” she snapped. “It’s half deathtrap, half dead-end here!”

The lone pegasus of the group scoffed. The lieutenant squirmed in his armor and gazed past the giant crab, towards the castle. “Aha! Look!” He pointed towards a glowing ball of energy shooting into the sky. “A signal!” He grinned. “Alright fillies and colts, looks like the reinforcements are on their way. Let’s hope that they brought along the heavy artillery.”

“I thought you already did...” Rarity mumbled as the group settled into a defensive formation, with the lieutenant standing next to her, the shotgun slung over his back. They waited and stared death in the face as the crab kept coming. Just as one massive leg dug into the grassy soil, a bolt of concentrated magic hit it where it met with the torso. Guards, both Solar and Lunar, burst forth from adjacent streets, alleyways, even a few manholes, and started to surround the beast. “For Equestira!” they shouted.

Earth ponies started to circle around the legs, dipping in and out taking hits with spear, sword, and hammer when they got a chance. Pegasi, with amazing aerial agility, performed daring hit-and-run maneuvers on the soft, squishy eyeballs, when they got a chance that is. Unicorns were everywhere. When the pegasi weren’t engaged the unicorns were filling the air with with enough spellfire to leave Rarity’s horn tingling. They slung spells from the street and from the rooftops, concentrating all of their magic on the spots where Princess Celestia had already scorched the chitinous shell. On the edge of one shop’s rooftop the Archmage, Star Seeker, led a small group of elite unicorns in blasting away at the crab.

El Cangrejos let out a bestial roar, momentarily stunning the guards. One meaty claw flew into the Archmage’s shop, decimating it and the buildings behind it. A moment later a flash went off in Rarity’s peripheral. Star Seeker had teleported her group safely away onto another building. The crab’s legs, thick as tree trunks, skittered backwards onto the park as the other claw went skyward.

The effect was instantaneous. Swirling grey clouds started to churn overhead, blotting out the sun. A storm cascaded over Canterlot. The ground became muddy; lightning zig-zagged through the clouds and threatened the pegasi with the promise of experiencing what crispy toast felt like if they tried to break up the storm. The air started to reek of the ocean and one accidental taste of the rainwater had guards puckering their lips at the salty taste of sea water.

A shriek cut through the storm like a siren, and while it snapped the soldiers out of their daze, one lone unicorn was desperately trying to salvage her mane.

“My mane!” Rarity tried to cover herself with her hooves but the damage was already done. Her mane had already come undone, the once elegant curls now a silky cascade of violet threads. “Blegh.” She gagged. The briny smell attached to her mane upset her the most though.

Rarity ran a hoof through her ruined mane. She was just about ready to scream at this point. Perfection never came easy, not to anypony, but especially not to Rarity. It took getting up at the crack of dawn and two full hours in the wash to style her mane correctly. A hot shower consisting of an all-natural, vitamin enriching shampoo infused with the scent of raspberries and an almond extract and pearl essence conditioner, followed by a vigorous toweling and curling iron session; it all came together to create the most fabulous mane ever known to Ponykind.

And now it was gone. Decimated. Erased from existence.

The guards continued their attack on El Cangrejos. El Cangrejos was forced even deeper into the park, its back to Rarity’s group. Rarity looked towards the scorched body of the giant crab, noticing how the guard’s attacks, as concentrated as they were, still weren’t enough to pierce through the crab’s chitinous armor. She blinked, and turned towards the lieutenant next to her fiddling with the shotgun.

It was a snap decision. A rather unladylike decision, all things considered.

“Give me that” Rarity pointed towards the shotgun.

“W-what?” the lieutenant said. “You mean the gun? Sorry miss, I can’t just let you have it. This is dangerous military technology right here!” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Besides, there’d be paperwork to fill and, uhm... I really like holding it,” he added hastily, under his breath.

“Oh for goodness sake...” Rarity facehoofed. “You do realize that you are talking to one of the Elements of Harmony themselves, don’t you?”

“Ummm...”

Rarity slammed down a hoof for emphasis, inwardly cringing at the mud on her coat. She must have done a good job at hiding it though because the bulky guardspony flinched. “Now listen here, mister! I’ll have you know that you’re talking to the one and only Lady Rarity herself. Not just once, not even twice, but at least three time savior of the world! I am cold, wet, and smell like a seapony! So I would really appreciate you giving me that!” Rarity paused, a smile pouring onto her face like melted sugar over rusty nails. “Besides, technically I outrank you anyway.”

The lieutenant stared into those sapphire eyes, seeing the fire brimming behind them, and an old quote his grandfather used to say came to mind: Tartarus hath no fury like a mare scorned. He held out the gun.

“Er, yes sir—I mean, ma’am!” A pale blue light enveloped the elegant machinery and the guardspony, wisely, kept his mouth closed as she levitated the gun close. Rarity cooed softly as she cocked back the pump with her magic, that click just as magical as the first time. Its metallic surfaces glistened in the rainwater. She was about to deal with the crab but the lieutenant shouted, “Wait!”

“Hmm?”

“You’re going to need this.” He held out his bandana, a thin strip of plain black cloth. Rarity gingerly took it into her hooves, pursing her lips. Before she could object he added, “That weapon doesn’t fire without that. It’s enchanted, something about being connected to the gun and vice versa.” He shrugged, then grinned and pointed towards the cloth. “Infinite ammo, though.”

“Nnng, fine,” Rarity said. “If you insist.” Her mane had been utterly ruined, what more did she have to lose?

Aided by magic, Rarity pulled the hair from her face and turned it into a quick ponytail, the bandana rubbing against her horn. With the fabric on her horn she could feel the magical energy imbued into the fabric, something well above her own magical expertise no doubt, linking it and the shotgun together.

She turned around.

El Cangrejos had been pushed deep into the park by now, but the guards were getting tired. The wind whipped up nearby trees and the rain become deadly stingers, digging into their bodies and sapping their strength. Their attacks were slowing down.

One pegasus was knocked out of the sky by a lucky claw swipe clipping her wing and crashed right in front of the monstrosity. One cherry tree-trunk leg raised itself above the mare, and she squeezed her eyes shut—

Bang. The mare opened her eyes...

Rarity darted forward, shotgun raised, shooting out another blast of concentrated mana into the crab’s leg. Bang! The chitin cracked, but she kept pumping into it until she hit something definitively fleshy, causing it to pull back for a moment. She spun towards the pegasus. “Get out of here!” The pegasus nodded dumbly and ran towards the nearest medic.

The leg came down and Rarity jumped out of the way, bones rattling from the impact. She had no doubts that a direct hit by one of those would end badly. Thud! Thud! Thud! With gritted teeth, she waltzed between a trio of chitinous pillars, pumping shots into them.

The shotgun felt positively divine. Every shot made her feel nigh unstoppable! Though the gun probably should have flown out of her magical grip at the first shot, it never did. Rarity suspected there were more enchantments reacting to her magic, but the thought was immediately lost as one of the legs came down on top of her.

The leg narrowly missed her, but the resulting force sent her flying several feet away, skidding into the mud. As she struggled to her hooves, magical energy lanced through the air and struck the newly exposed set of legs. The guards unleashed a second wave of attack as El Cangrejos howled with pain and crashed onto its side.

It wasn’t over yet though. The few guards closest to him were knocked away as massive claws started to crash into the ground, sending out shockwaves of earth. Rarity braced herself, then charged.

“Stay back!” Rarity called out as El Cangrejos discharged acidic globs of spit from its maw. One of them hit a nearby tree, evaporating it into a muddy green sludge with a low hiss. Her eyes widened at the sight. “Stay back! Wait until I’ve cracked its carapace” Unfortunately, Rarity had the shotgun, so she couldn’t afford to follow her own advice.

Leaping over a patch of foaming sludge, the unicorn fired three rapid fire shots point blank into a scorched part of the shell. Ba-ba-bang! Two shots and the chitin exploded outwards, the third being a direct hit. El Cangrejos howled in pain, eyes bulging and frenzied. Its whole body twisted and turned and slammed into the ground over and over. Rarity shrieked as one of the legs landed right next to her, flinging her into a tree. The air left her lungs and she lost her concentration. The shotgun spun away into the mud.

“Uuuugh.” She groaned, her vision blurred. Somepony shouted, but the words were swept away in the chaos. Her head throbbed and her body ached. The telltale sound of magic activated somewhere behind her. The mud shifted, her vision cleared, and the world was at a forty-five degree angle.

Rarity had just enough time to see herself fall off the side of Canterlot.

“Waaaaaaaaahhhh!” Chunks of earth and stone and timber fell around her. As she righted herself, she saw that she wasn’t the only one falling. El Cangrejos’ body, twisting and turning in the air like an unstable top, fell alongside her.

So, this was how it ended, huh? Splattered onto the countryside alongside a castle-sized crustacean? Well, Rarity thought, at least it’s flashy. She always wanted to go out in style, and by Celestia if this wasn’t a stylish death! It wasn’t as classy as being paraded through the streets of Ponyville on a deathbed of roses while a full orchestra sang about her numerous accomplishments, but it was certainly more exhilarating, she would give it that.

Something flashed in the peripheral of Rarity’s vision. The shotgun glittered in the late afternoon light. Rarity grinned. In that moment, she realized that only one of them would hit the ground alive.

Her horn flared to life and Rarity pushed herself towards the shotgun, catching it between her hooves. She pointed it towards the speeding cliff-face and pulled the trigger, sending herself towards her foe in a blinding burst of speed. Spinning around, Rarity narrowly missed being smacked by a massive claw. Taking aim, she blasted the space where claw and body met. The arm exploded outwards, leaving the main body behind.

Yelping as the other claw spun towards her, Rarity pointed the shotgun down and sent herself flying over the swipe. Now that she was above she could see all of the scorched sections of the shell, vaguely warped patches of chitin, only broken up by the section Rarity had broken though.

With a smirk that would have looked more at home on Rainbow Dash, Rarity sent herself flying forwards with a shrill cry. Using a combination of magic and shotgun blasts to maneuver around the body, Rarity sent hot waves of mana-infused shells into the armor, dipping in and out of incoming attacks, exposing flesh bit by bit. Acidic spit and gun-smoke filled the the air. The wind tore away the sweat from her body and the ground rapidly approached.

How long had they been falling anyway? It felt like ages had passed, but it had probably only been a couple of seconds at best. Time acted strange when one plummeted to her death.

“Vile creature!” Rarity spun towards the sky and pulled the trigger. With another twirl, Rarity dove towards the maw of the battered crab. “Arrrrrugh!” Six rapid-fire shots splattered into its face, making mince-meat out of it.

The creature’s shriek died in its throat. El Cangrejos was no more.

Her breaths came out slow and heavy. Beyond the body of the monstrous crab, the ground met with the side of Canterlot mountain, creating a craggy slope to catch her body in its last moments. Adrenaline that gave her the strength to unleash blinding fury just mere moments ago trickled out, and one emotion slowly started to take over: Fear.

Sweet Celestia, she was going to die! The revelation hit her like a buck to the chest. No more Carousel Boutique, no more days spent with beloved friends, no more family... oh dear, who was going to watch Sweetie Belle? How could she have been so reckless—

Something tackled Rarity from behind. “Hold on!” Moments before they hit the ground, there was a pop!

Rarity landed hard with a low squelch. She raised her head and spit out clumps of mud. Somepony next to her groaned, and after a moment a horn ignited. Rarity was lifted onto her hooves, letting her get a good look at her savior. Archmage Star Seeker stood in front of her, wiping away the mud from her coat with her magic. “Don’t worry, I’ll get you all cleaned up as well. Hold still.” Rarity stood still and felt Star’s magic work over her body, the mud evaporating away.

“Oh, why, thank you,” Rarity said as the last of the mud disappeared. She ran a hoof over her mane and it was still as she left it, sadly.

Star Seeker waved a hoof, sighing. “I don’t believe we’ve properly met before, have we? I am Star Seeker, Archmage of Canterlot.” One of her hooves started rubbing circles in her temple. She exhaled slowly. “You’re Rarity, correct?”

“Oh, um, yes indeed. A pleasure to meet you, and thank you ever so much for saving me. But, um, are you okay? You look quite pale.”

“I’ll be fine. Just a bit drained is all. Been a while since I’ve done any death-defying stunts like that. Now, care to join me for a walk?” Star Seeker spun on her hooves without waiting for an answer, cloak billowing. “Don’t forget to pick up that device behind you either. Cost in bits to develop that thing nearly gave me a heart attack when I saw it.”

Rarity’s eyebrow quirked, but after turning around she saw the shotgun, now sporting quite a few scuff marks, lying in the grass. She scooped it up then fell into step next to the archmage.

While they walked, she saw the citizens were starting to trickle into the park. The princesses were back as well, conversing to a couple of guards who had made a perimeter around the chunk of land where Rarity’s descent had taken place. Princess Celestia leaned ever so slightly onto her sister, but managed to gave Rarity a small smile as she walked past.

Star Seeker lead them back into the city, talking absently all the while. “Tsk tsk, look at all this damage. Even Tirek had the decency not to smash everything like a petulant foal. It’s going to take ages to rebuild all of these building. Don’t even get me started on the damage to the Castle. And the park...” She sighed. “Guess picnic will have to be indoors for a while.”

“So, Miss Seeker, what’s going to happen to El Cangrejos?” Rarity asked.

“El Cangrejos? Was that its name?”

“Yes. At least, that’s the Princess Luna told me.” Rarity shrugged.

“Well somepony has to go out there and examine the corpse. And it is most definitely a corpse. You sure did a real number on that thing,” Star Seeker said. “Even if you didn’t kill it in mid-air—impressive use of the device’s knockback, by the way—nothing could have had survived that drop. Still, somebody has to confirm it, and once that’s done clean up will begin and reimbursement will be given to the farmers who’s farmland got ruined. After that? An investigation to see just how deep the caverns under Canterlot really go.”

Rarity nodded. She was much too tired to do anything else.

As they rounded the corner, Rarity was delighted to find her shop still in one piece. She could practically smell the bubblebath already

“Well Miss Rarity, this is where we part ways. Now, the device, please?” Rarity handed the shotgun to her. “Thank you,” she said, hoofing Rarity a business card and winking. “We’ll keep in touch.” With that, the mare turned and trotted away.

Not a moment later, two hooves, caked in old, dried blood, flung themselves out of the shop’s front door. Mad eyes darted around before honing in on Rarity. The mare stomped forwards.

Rarity backed away. “Oh dear.” Letting out a long, tired sigh, she said, “I completely forgot about you.” She looked past the mare into the foul looking interior of her boutique, then glanced behind her. Star Seeker trotted away, unaware, shotgun levitating next to her.

Rarity plucked it from her grasp, spinning it towards herself, before bringing its barrel facing the bloodied mare. The mare’s eye’s shrunk into prinpricks.

Rarity glanced at her hoof nonchalantly. “So, about the damages to my shop, darling?”

Author's Note