Rarity Drinks a Love Potion

by AlduintheWorldEater

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Derpy Hooves, Sweetie Belle, Sad, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Rarity
Length: 4658

It's fruit punch, no, lemonade.

It's fruit punch, no, lemonade. [Note: Spoof on the Derpy Mail fan-made video]

Published 2012-07-08 15:24:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-07-08 15:24:02 UTC

Chapter 1

It was a glorious sunny morning in Equestria, and Rarity loved sunny mornings, but right now the sun did nothing for her, because right now it was 6 AM.

Rarity moaned as the sound of a knocking echoed up to her room. At first Rarity decided she would ignore it, but to no avail. She rolled out of her bed, removing the sleeping eye mask from her head to gaze around at the dark bedroom poorly illuminated by the early morning sun. Rarity never liked getting up early; maybe she didn't sleep as late as Rainbow Dash, but these were Applejack morning hours, not hers.

She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and turned around to verify that her bed head wasn't unappealing. The knocking continued, and Rarity departed the room. Grumbling, she made her way down her stairs, leaning on the support to make sure she didn't trip. Finally, she had made it to the door, but wasn't quick enough to spare herself from a final barrage of loud knocks. Nerves shot, Rarity let the door slide open to reveal none other than Derpy Hooves, one of her mail deliverers.

"Hello Derpy," Rarity struggled against her dreariness to sound polite.

The sunlight gave Derpy a milky complexion. Her blonde mane gave off a glorious reflection.

"You remember that you don't have to wake me up in the morning to give me my packages, don't you?" Rarity asked, giving Derpy a disdainful look.

“Yea, I know.” Derpy shouted the answer proudly.

“So why did you wake me up?” Rarity asked, no longer bothering to hide her tiredness.

“Because, this is a special delivery.” Derpy whispered, as though it was meant to get Rarity excited.

"What makes it so special then?" Rarity asked, leaning herself to the side to emphasize her derogative remark.

"Because I have a gift for you." Derpy said excitedly.

Rarity always loved Derpy. Perhaps, it was something about the childlike mind dancing through the aether, but Rarity would always keep an eye out for Derpy, championing her progress and encouraging her to do better.

Rarity was very particular towards the paid services she chose, but Rarity was glad that Derpy left the Canterlot Postal and her abusive superior Crafty Crate. She knew Derpy's motto of "almost never losing a package ever again," and "20% coolness". However, she couldn't refuse the mail mare her little gig. She would never resort to putting up with Green Hooves' petty service, like Fluttershy did, but she knew that Derpy really did try to do things right. Rarity's generosity got the better of her. The way she saw it, if she resorted to using Derpy's service in moderation, nevertheless for proprietary purposes, by only using Derpy's service for ordering personal effects rather than clothing materials, then she could easily keep Derpy's little business afloat. So, if she only ordered two packages a week and if she was the only customer Derpy could deliver to, then she would, in theory, only lose one or two packages a month, provided Derpy's analytics were correct.

Plus you get gifts, isn't that quaint. Rarity made a slight flourish of her eyes. The day certainly could have started out worse.

Derpy pulled out a finely wrapped little box and placed it by her feet.

"Here you can have my card, it will give you 20 percent off....whatever you need." Smiling, Derpy handed Rarity her card, as she made her half hearted promise.

Rarity read the card; it said '20% coolness'. Rarity gave Derpy quizzical smile for the odd gift as she stood by the door, waiting patiently for Derpy to realise that she still needed to be delivering things.

Derpy did nothing but stand at Rarity's doorstep, watching her expectantly.

There was an awkward pause, and Rarity's smile began to recede to a dubious smirk. It took about a minute before Rarity had enough. "Is something else the matter?" Rarity asked politely, as she turned her face forward to be sure that Derpy wasn't suffering from some weird, two-dimensional hallucination.

Derpy always loved to see Rarity behave funny, and she giggled splendidly.

"I thought I'd watch you open your gift." Derpy explained happily.

"A gift, Hmm?" Rarity interrupted, giving Derpy a disappointed look, "So I guess I won't be getting my violin tuner? Ever?"

Derpy scrunched up her face and gave Rarity the sorriest look she could muster. "I'm sorry Rarity, I really know how much you want your packages." Rarity reached out to the sorry pegasus to retrieve her gift and lighten up her friend. "But, I got you a gift instead." Rarity happily revivified Derpy's disposition-- come on, talk about dramatic.

Rarity ran her hoof down her face as she glanced upon the little present, wishing she could have had a bit more sleep this morning at the expense of this unpleasant surprise. "Thank you Derpy, may I ask what it is?"

"It's a secret." Derpy said childishly, revealing a big smile as she pushed the wrapped gift closer to Rarity

Rarity was positive of that at least. "Derpy, shouldn't you be delivering other ponies their mail?"

"No, I've got time!" Derpy began her beneficent explanation. "I have one package left to deliver in Ponyville, and then I head back to the office to get more mail, followed by my route at Canterlot, and then I'll go see what Rainbow Dash is doing. And, finally I take the rest of the mail to Promise where it gets transferred to Manehattan Postal."

Rarity had to break Derpy's line of thought. "Ummm," Rarity broke in with dramatic reserve; her apologetic countenance evidenced her disconcertion. "Err. I'm sorry Derpy? It would appear as though my gift is leaking." She explained as warm liquid ran uncomfortably down her front leg.

"Oh, oops, I thought I wrapped it good." Derpy explained as she tried to lessen Rarity's disconcertment, reaching out to take the present off her hooves.

Rarity reached inside her house to grab a nearby tissue, which she used to clean her leg dry. Returning back outside, she was greeted by Derpy holding a glass container filled with a violet fruit punch looking substance, which Rarity assumed had been removed from the pile of inundated packaging on the ground. Derpy hoisted the container toward Rarity.

"Oh, splendid." Rarity chuckled uncertainly, while hesitantly retrieving her gift.

"I'm sure," Derpy reassured unwittingly. "Anyway, how's your morning Rarity?"

"Well, it's different," Rarity answered as she inspected her gift for leaks. "I have to create a new dress for a client this morning, and Sweetie Belle will come over around noon, so I'll need to start early if I plan to contend with them both. And you? How is your morning?"

"It's super, special remember," Derpy replied pleasantly, then lowering her voice to reveal the unpleasant truth. "Actually, I didn't get to eat anything because I needed to head out early, because- well I don't remember why, but I really wanted to get your gift to you."

"Oh, are you hungry, because I'm sure I could find something for you," Rarity attempted to persuade her friend.

"Oh, no," Derpy declined apologetically. "I already lost your package. The gift was for my mistake, and if you gave me a gift then-"

"Nonsense," Rarity reassured in a very reassuring tone, confident that Derpy's mind was off someplace else. "My gift is for your committed service," Rarity improvised, as Derpy stared at her. "It's been very... consistent. With more work you could easily begin to improve."

Derpy didn't know what to say. She just stared at Rarity in disbelief.

Rarity wasn't sure she deserved this amount of affection, and thought they were losing track of what was important. "How about you come inside, and we can find something for you to eat." Rarity welcomed Derpy inside.

Rarity lead the silent Derpy through the sunlit shop to where her kitchen was located, and delicately sat Derpy down at the kitchen table.

"So what would you like? I have fruit, pastries, or I can make you some eggs if you want." Rarity asked her benign friend.

"Hmmmm," Derpy murmured obnoxiously as she thought. "Do you have any muffins?"

"Muffins? I believe I made a batch yesterday, they should be ready." Rarity thought out loud.

"Muffins?" Derpy asked again, more eccentrically than before.

"Would you like muffins?" Rarity inquired plainly.

"Muffinz?"

Rarity had no idea what direction the subject of the discussion was turning to. Her eyes winced and refocused up at her forehead, as she tried to regain perspective of the conversation. What's the matter? Why can't she tell me if she wants muffins?

Rarity asked firmly this time. "Derpy, I'm asking you; Do you, or do you not want a muffin?"

"Yes please!"

"What flavor?"

"Muffin."

Rarity made her way over to the refrigerator to find the most muffin flavored muffin she had. She returned to Derpy with a Giant-sized muffin she had made for Sweetie Belle. Derpy's eyes dilated at its magnificence.

"This is the most muffin I have ever seen in a muffin, so I hope it will do." Rarity explained as she exchanged possession of the peculiarly large muffin.

"It will do." Derpy regarded her conspiratorially, before cheering up again. "Are you going to try my treat?"

Rarity couldn't hide her displeasure at the fact that the matter was brought back up. "Oh, you mean the fruit punch?"

"No, It's lemonade," Derpy beneficently corrected. "It's made from purple lemons which taste different from yellow lemons, because they're purple, and they're different form yellow lemons, because they come off purple trees, and-"

Having practiced masterful culinary etiquette since she was a foal, Rarity knew there was no such principle. Still Rarity smiled and nodded generously as Derpy continued her abstruse lies about purple lemons.

"- I think they come from Equestria, but I'm not sure." Derpy concluded her rant. "So are you going to try it?"

Rarity shrugged. How difficult could it be to fool Derpy Hooves?

"Um, I'm not sure it's such a good idea Derpy. It was leaking when I got it, so I have to consider that it might be contaminated. How long was it in the box, because if it was shipped from the purple lemon fields, then it's most definitely contaminated with bacteria. Oh Derpy," Rarity consoled her friend, "It was a wonderful gesture."

Even after receiving Rarity's kind words, Derpy was upset."No, it wasn't that, I got it from Doctor Whooves' place; he said I could have it, so I brought it back home and put it in the refrigerator right after, I promise. Rainbow Dash said it was really good, so I thought you would like it."

Rarity inspected the glass container closer, and found that the substance had, indeed, been refrigerated. She shuddered to think about what she was about to do.

What could go wrong? She asked herself as she hoisted the glass up with one hoof, eyeing Derpy conspicuously as she did, because, for some reason, Derpy was staring at her expectantly as Rarity tipped the glass up and took a sip.

Rarity ingested the tangy drink.

Oh. Well. What a delightful treat. Rarity elaborated, having enjoyed the flavorful beverage.

There was a moment where Rarity wondered if the beverage contained any alcohol, as a peculiar feeling crawled over her. Then she stopped. An unwholesome, foreign impulse stimulated her mind. An empty feeling creeped into her heart, and she felt as though she didn't belong in herself anymore. Most of all, the impulse to love, and to receive love in return. She stumbled to her knees, as she reflected on how empty her life really was. She let the cold kitchen tile bleed out the warmth from her legs as she leaned her head down to concentrate her mind on the depressing thoughts.

"So did you like it?" Rarity heard Derpy's question echo through the kitchen, but the resonance and Rarities fragile state made it seem as though it were echoing through her head much like a painful throe.

Startled, Rarity pulled her head up and returned the gaze of her wall eyed guest. Derpy was eating her muffin and watching Rarity in bemusement.

Derpy boggled Rarity, now more than usual. But not because Derpy was behaving peculiarly, because she wasn't, or, at least, not in the sense that one would call Derpies actions peculiar of her, per say. But, because now Rarity felt herself growing more attracted to her wall eyed guest. Something about her hair, Rarity inspected Derpy with circumspect adherence. The hair that was messy but colorful. Clean, careless, and cute. bubbles and muffins were her trademarks.

Rarity felt herself incessantly latch on to these ideas. She felt a wave of creative inspiration wash over her, all oriented around a few radically new developmental concepts: Wall eyed, mussy haired, muffin fetish dialectics.

The inspiration kept flowing in.

Rarity was now boggling Derpy. there was a mutual feeling of befuddlement, which wouldn't be ending anytime soon. Rarity was making deranged facial expressions and gestures, as peculiar ideas, constituting feigned inspirations, continued to fill her head.

Rarity thought something that made her pause all else. Was there any reason to doubt that this mail mare was the most amazing creature which had graced her with their presence. Rarity wondered to herself as she began making a steady reverent approach towards her idol pony. Derpy was kicking her legs through the air as she sat eating her muffin, watching Rarity put on her strange display. Not sure of what sort of creative expression the dangling of the hoof was supposed to be, Derpy attempted several formal characteristic attitudes toward her deranged friend: First, she was smiling, thinking it was supposed to be funny; Second, she was serious, thinking it wasn't supposed to be funny; Third, she was smiling, thinking it was supposed to be funny again; Fourth, she was serious again, to respect Rarity's creative intuition; Fifth, she stopped to eat another piece of her muffin, turning her head away to absorb herself in the flavorful moist delicacy proper; Sixth, she turned back to Rarity with a serious face, to show homage to the creative inspiration that Rarity was experiencing; Seventh, she was smiling again, because it was really kind of funny.

Rarity finally made it to the table, leaned on her front knees, and then bending her arms forward and up in a way that you wouldn't think physically possible. She leaned her body against the table and her head on her hooves as she boggled the beautiful Derpy mare.

Thirty minutes later, and nothing remarkable happened. Derpy continued to eat her muffinz, apparently having lost interest in Rarity's bizarre discourse. Every so often, Rarity would reach over to touch Derpy, who would regard her with an inadvertent smile or some other heedless expression.

Rarity continued to run her head through delusional aspirations, which is about as sad as it sounds. She was blessed with multitudes of conceptualized ideas and inspirations, but only realised to an extent, before being lost again.

Rarity was leaning over Derpy, watching her eat muffins. "You know, I've always loved pegasi." She made a heartfelt confession as she continued to fondle Derpies wings. Occasionally Derpy would get uncomfortable and flutter her wings, but other than that she paid Rarity no mind whatsoever.

Derpy finally finished her pastry, and, upon realizing she needed to return from work, got up and began heading for the door. Unsettled by Derpy's sudden uncomplacent behavior, Rarity began creeping desperately behind Derpy with a discontent expression.

"Thanks for the muffin,, and the hospitality, and the funny stuff you did,, but I have to head out. I had a great time." Derpy said hurriedly as she tried to make a quick exit.

"But, wait you're not staying? Please don't go!" Rarity begged heavy heartedly. She really wanted derpy to stay.

"NO. Nope. It's late and I've got to get back to my shift."

"Please, I, I can make another muffin." Rarity tried to reason with the mare. In all truth, her heart was breaking.

Derpy paused in front of the door, seriously considering the offer. "Nope." She declared impartially. "But, if you have it next time, then sure, yeah, I'll take it off your hands.”

Derpy rushed out, Well that’s the last time I’m staying over at her house.

Rarity crumpled to the floor as the beautiful blond Deva left her. She laid there, crying, and would remain so for the next five minutes.

Sweetie tart frolicked through the sunny town, taking in the sights that she had come to adore. Finally she made it to her sister's house, where she anxiously awaited to spend time in her sister's company. Happy, Sweetie Belle slipped through the door and into her sister's shop, but to her surprise she found that the store was deserted; It was as though Rarity hadn't even gotten up yet. The store made a bleak contrast to the sunny town outside, and Sweetie Belle's eyes needed to dilate in order for her to see with such small quantities of light exposure.

"WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ME!" Sweetie Belle heard Rarity cry, maybe a little more melodramatically than would be expected.

"Rarity?!" Little Sweetie Belle called out at towards sister's cry.

"Sweetie Belle? My beloved sister, where are you?"

"Iiii I'm right here. Is everything alright?" Sweety bell asked as she made her way to the more brightly lit kitchen. Sweetie Belle jumped back in consternation. Rarity appeared in front of her at the kitchen's entrance, with eye makeup running down her face. Even with Sweetie Belle a few steps away, Rarity snatched her up with a clean, sweeping motion.

"Oh my beloved sister, the only one who cares about poor dead Rarity." She cried as she snuggled her little sister.

"Rarity, Is everything alright?" Sweety bell asked as she struggled to find a comfortable place in Rarities embrace.

Rarity began pacing around the poorly lit house with her little sister strap snugly against her, through the use of both magic and her front leg. "I used to be the most glamorous pony in all Ponyville. I used to be loved. I used to be respected. Why, why is this happening to me?"

Rarity continued to meander around the house while Incessantly snuggling on her little, cuddly, possibly synthetic, sibling. she entered the kitchen; she entered the hallway; she entered the store; she returned to the hallway; she went up stairs; she went into the inspiration room; she went into the bathroom, and eventually she made it to her room. Rarity plopped onto the bed in a dramatic pose as she began using both of her available front legs to pin her little pony against her. Sweetie belle was wondering how much affection a sister could legally give a family member, and was considering calling for the police.

"Can you stop!" Sweety bell complained. "You're acting really weird, and my friends will be here soon."

Sweetie Belle’s comment hit Rarity pretty hard. In other words, it was taken completely out of proportion. "NO! I'm not weird! I've just fallen on hard times! I'm just....Oh who am I kidding?! I'm a freak of society!" She began bawling. "I'm completely useless!"

Rarity retrospected; everything she had done now amounted to nothing; her thoughts were completely uninspired, a mesh about nothing but fleeting ideas. She did this until Sweetie Belle broke her dementia.

"Is this about Rainbow Dash?" She asked with genuine concern.

"Rainbow Dash." Rarity whispered intently. Rarity began making exasperated facial expressions, which looked like she was trying to inhale more air than her mouth could siphon into her lungs. Her countenance, other than that, was of extreme contempt.

"She did this to me, stole my heart." Rarity scolded her friend. (NOTE: Sorry, but this series was actually meant to be a spin-off of a story that I have not yet published, nor have I written it, conceived of it, or am entirely sure what it's about. I do know that the elements of that story which this one plays off of are this; Rarity and Rainbow Dash fall in love; They fall into an interdimensional portal, through which events occur which might bind them together for life, and that half of the episodes of both season one and two are essentially altered. Noteworthy events include; Rainbow Dash comforting Rarity and staying the night with her in Dress for Success; Rarity going out of her way to find something to cheer Rainbow Dash up in Daring Doo episode, and others..... Please note that this author may not actually write said story, and he should not be held accountable for any related intellectual material deprivation or copyright infringement. If you're a state official then I'd appreciate your help [no I didn't kill the person]. Enjoy the story.)

"No, she's too complex, it's why she left me, because she knew..she knew she wasn't right, but she still went ahead-!" Rarity returned her attention to her sister. "No you're the only pony I have left who cares about me." Sweetie Belle’s face was suddenly overwhelmed by kisses, as Rarity took out her emotional deprivation on the filly. Sweetie Belle wasn't happy.

An hour later, and the store still remained dark from dereliction. The whole house was look empty. The client pony who Rarity was supposed to meet with assumed that the store was closed and decided to take the day off.

There was a long period of time where Rarity wallowed on top of Sweetie Belle, in what could be described as a curled up choke hold. Sweetie belle made a few brief attempts at escape, which only helped to make Rarity more upset, so she stopped. In the end, Sweetie belle had to resort to lying on her back while most of her face, appendages, and lower body were being embraced by the now tranquil Rarity. Sweetie Belle had managed to squeeze her nozzle between Rarity's hoof and face, and she still had one eye which wasn't completely covered by Rarity's face. From what could be discerned from what was left of Sweetie Belle's face, she wasn't having a good time. To her, Rarity must have really wanted to test the boundaries of their sisterhood, in both tolerance and legally afforded physical attention. Of Course, Rarity would never, even when intoxicated, violate her sister or anypony for that matter. However, the lines between intimate and non-intimate relationships could seem a bit blurred when you have a pony doing everything in their power to hold down another pony with their body weight.

Sweetie Belle knew better than to assume that Rarity was trying to comport herself to some sort of statutory something (I don't know. What do I know?), but it surprised Sweetie belle how little such allegations meant to her. The Rarity she knew would have felt ashamed to have thrown away her good appearance for something as thoughtless as inappropriate physical relationships.

A feeling hit Sweetie Belle hard, making her bowls clench together in anxiety. She cringed at the thought of how vulnerable she was. she needed to go to the little girls room.

"Rarity?" Sweetie belle squeaked from between Rarity's face and hoof squeezing against her. "I have to use the bathroom."

Rarity did nothing, but Sweetie Belle wasn't going to stand for this.

"Rarity!" A glass breaking shriek perpetuated throughout the Carousel Boutique. It was so loud that Rarity shot up out of bed, still clinging on to Sweetie Bell.

"Rarity I need to go to the bathroom and you can't come with me!" Sweetie belle continued in a slightly more mellow tone.

"I shall forever remain a recluse from society; the black sheep of the herd; the lost soul; the boy who cried wolf.." Rarity cried out to her sister as she stumbled out of bed.

To Sweetie Belles relief, Rarity released her. Not wanting to wait for Rarity to change her mind, Sweetie Belle scrambled out of her sisters bed and quickly made her way down stairs.

The bottom floor of the Carousel Boutique wasn't as dark as Rarity's room, but since Rarity had failed to pull back the drapes to allow the sunlight in the store floor it was covered in a dreary shadow. Sweetie belle would have taken the time to open them, but she heard Rarity's hooves begin clopping down her finely polished steps, and prioritised her privacy over her sisters shop. To sweetie belle's relief, the door opened to welcome two new guests. She made them out to be Spike and Twilight, investigating reports of another poisoning.

"Hi guy's," Sweetie belle greeted warmly, not bothering to stop her retreat to the sparkly clean bathroom. "Raritys upstairs, and needs your help. Can you excuse me a moment?" With that, Sweetie Belle hopped into the bathroom and slammed the door shut.

"Well I guess the ambiguous reports of another poisoning were true." Twilight conceded tersely to her friend. They could hear someone tripping down the steps.

"Mmmhmm." Spike mumbled, as he turned himself towards the direction of the stairwell. Spike had secretly wondered if he could get Rarity back after the whole 'Rainbow Dash and Rarity fall in love in the inter dimensional time vortex' thing, but Twilight was quick to admonish any such direction of thought.

Rarity crashed on the hard surface of the shop floor, and then scrambled to get up.

"Sweetie belle! Don't tell mom and dad, but I'm running away to rot in the filth!" Rarity scream-whine-shouted, something that she was normally quite good at, which usually could get under the most insensitive ponies skin, provided the intonation wasn't spotty. However, this performance was a disjointed, incongruous mess that served only to make Twilight and Spikes' skin crawl.

Spike and Twilight both looked at each other, exchanging nods. They had reached the climax of this story, and it was time to conclude this dismal state of affairs. It all came down to this; this moment; this moment which would go down in history, as one of the greatest moments of all time.

"Spike." Twilight signalled her little purple friend. He revealed an Elixir that he had previously concealed in his hand.

"I gotcha." Spike confirmed, before carefully pitching the ville of luminescent liquid at Rarity.

The vile made a painful sounding *clunk* as it made impact with Rarity's head, a surge of magical Elixir energy surged from the bottle, enveloping Rarity in Divine-like magic that was so profound the very concept would make your mind explode if it were explained to you in detail.

Rarity, promptly, fell to the floor, grabbed her head, started whimpering, and began rolling all across the floor of the room.

"Well, that wasn't supposed to happen," Twilight said over to Spike, who was just as confused. "Spike? What did you do? Why is Rarity still crazy?"

"Well, geez it worked last time." Spike said in befuddlement, reaching up to scratch his head.

"It sure didn't work now." Twilight said as she watched Rarity roll from one wall to the next.

"Um, well maybe it's because she's not cursed?" Spike answered with a question.

"Oh................................What?" Twilight asked, much to Spikes disappointment.

"The Elixir is meant to clean out the perversions and darkness of the soul." Spike answered. "Last time, when Rainbow Dash was cursed, we used the Elixir to rid her of the curse which was perpetuating the poison that was debilitating her, but now there's no such curse. Instead, it's just Rarity who is suffering from a hangover."

"Oh. I need to read more about my Final Fantasy lore." Twilight noted to herself. "So what do we do?"

Spike turned towards Twilight, lifting his arms up into an animated shrug for his answer.

Twilight turned herself back around, sticking her head out the door "Hey! Rainbow Dash!"

Dear Celestia,

I Learned to never use Derpy's Mail Service.....you can't risk the 20%.