Rainbow Dash’s Big Secret
By Claw in Cursive
Apple Bloom was feeling much better about herself after her little pep talk from Applejack about the Apple family blessing-slash-curse a few days ago. Currently, she was sitting on her bed after putting on her new bra, which properly fit her growing form. It was so much more comfortable to be able to breathe freely and not feel like her undergarments were trying to cut her in half.
AB talked to her friends, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, about what was bothering her, and they assured her they’d be friends even if Bloom didn’t “bloom” at all.
She went out on a date with Tender Taps, and he was a gentleman after a few minutes of acclimating himself to being out with a good-looking girl. It helped that Bloom told him she’d make him buy her three new bras if he didn’t stop staring, and she showed him the receipt for the one she had on. She never saw someone do a real-life spit-take before, and she was glad Tender wasn’t facing her when it happened.
Apple Bloom was learning to deal with the haters at school, even if it was hard to ignore them sometimes. As much as she tried to take the high road, she couldn’t help but delight a little in flaunting her assets around Diamond Tiara.
Yesterday, in science class, Mr. Donkey separated the students into groups of three for an assignment, and Apple Bloom got placed with Diamond and Featherweight. She knew Feather had a bit of a crush on DT, and normally, she’d slouch and let him make googly eyes at the stuck-up girl. This time, AB decided to have a bit of fun.
Bloom straightened her spine and threw her shoulders back, making her bosom even more prominent. Like most teenage boys, Featherweight’s gaze locked onto the display before him. Diamond huffed and rolled her eyes.
“I guess someone left one of the cows off the farm today,” sneered Diamond.
AB cupped one of her hands behind her ear. “What’s that? Are you jealous of being the presence of a real woman, little girl?”
Diamond Tiara’s reaction was worth every single insult she’d ever thrown at Apple Bloom, and then some. She sputtered like a bad beat-boxer for ten seconds, then crossed her arms over her much less curvaceous chest and stared daggers at Bloom. Bloom snickered and got to work on their assignment. Featherweight thanked his lucky stars to be in this group, completely oblivious to the titanic power struggle he’d witnessed.
Though she knew it was wrong, Apple Bloom couldn’t help but feel satisfaction at her triumph, even after a day to savor it. She thought back to all the advice Applejack had given her about accepting her appearance, and something struck her.
“You don’t wanna know some of the situations Rainbow Dash has told me about over the years,” AJ said.
Bloom wondered what situations Rainbow Dash could’ve found herself in that would make her uncomfortable. She was Rainbow Dash, the most self-confident girl at Canterlot High. She was the captain of every girls sports team there was, and everyone looked up to her.
Apple Bloom went out to the barn and found her siblings there pitching hay into the loft. She called out to her sister.
“Hey, AJ, what did ya mean about Rainbow Dash the other day?”
Applejack planted her pitchfork into the ground, tines down, and leaned on the handle. “Whaddaya mean, sugarcube?”
“Ya said Rainbow told ya about some situations over the years. What do ya mean by that?”
AJ’s mouth crinkled up and her eyes darted from side to side. Though she was at rest, she began to sweat like she was still pitching bales up to Big Macintosh. “Uhhh, ya want some chocolate milk?” she blurted.
Apple Bloom gave her the hairy eyeball. “Are ya hidin’ something from me?”
Applejack swallowed hard and giggled a register higher than normal. “Who, me?”
Bloom stomped up to get in her older sister’s face. The standoff continued for a few seconds, until Applejack broke.
“Shoot. Me an’ my big mouth.” She sighed. “Let me call Rainbow an’ get her over here after supper. Ah reckon she should tell ya herself.”
Apple Bloom could hardly contain herself through the evening meal. She was about to learn some sort of big secret about one of her sister’s best friends, and she had a million guesses about what it was. She’d heard some rumors about Rainbow, but she’d never paid them much heed until now. It had to be something major for AJ to act like she did back at the barn.
Bloom stared at the television without really watching it until someone knocked on the front door at around seven o’clock.
“AH’LL GIT IT!” she yelled, pulling open the door to find their guest waiting on the porch.
“Hey, squirt,” said Rainbow as she reached out to ruffle the younger girl’s hair. “Guess the cat’s out of the bag. I’m not surprised, with you being AJ’s sister and all.”
“Come on into the parlor where we can talk,” said Apple Bloom. She offered Dash refreshments, and the athlete took a sports drink.
“Applejack told me about what those bullies and creeps were doing to you,” Rainbow said. Applejack was already in the living room, and she nodded. “Don’t let them get you down. A C-cup is perfectly respectable for a 13-year-old.”
Apple Bloom’s cheeks turned pink. “Actually, Ah’m a D-cup now.”
Rainbow’s jaw dropped. “Holy crap!” she said. Sotto voce, she said to AJ, “That girl’s gonna need a wheelbarrow to go across the stage at her graduation.”
Applejack punched Rainbow Dash in the arm, which got her back on track. “Er, yeah. My secret. Betcha’ll never guess what it is.”
Apple Bloom toed the ground in front of her. “Well, Ah’ve heard from some of the other girls that ya may be… That ya like… That yer…”
“Well? Spit it out.”
“Playin’ for the same team?”
“I play on every team. I’m awesome like that.”
“No, Ah mean that yer a friend of Sappho.”
“Who’s Sappho?”
“That ya like diggin’ for clams.”
“Yuck! I hate seafood.”
“That yer a carpet bagger.”
“I’ve never been south of Cloudsdale.”
“That yer a pearl diver.”
“I don’t even own a snorkel.”
“That yer a fuzz bumper.”
“Fluttershy’s the one who likes animals.”
“That yer a member of the LPGA.”
“I’d much rather play pro soccer or basketball than golf. Soooo boring.”
“That ya eat lunch at the Y.”
“I carry my lunch to school.”
Apple Bloom slapped her forehead hard enough to bruise. “That yer a lesbian. Gay. Ho-mo-sex-u-al.”
Rainbow Dash looked aghast. “What?! No! Ew! Not that there’s anything wrong with that, if that’s what you’re into. I mean, I like hanging with my homegirls, but girls are so – girly. Give me a guy with six-pack abs and a long, thick, hard, throbbing –”
“Rainbow Danger Professionalism Jennifer Dash, don’t you dare finish that sentence!” yelled Applejack.
“She’s gonna learn somehow,” retorted Rainbow, adding under her breath, “If she hasn’t already with gazongas like those.”
AJ glared at her friend and made a “get on with it” gesture, which caused Rainbow to groan. “Okay, so here goes.”
Rainbow Dash grasped the hem of her jersey, and Apple Bloom began to doubt the prismatic-haired girl’s claims. She pulled her shirt up to her bra, and AB gagged.
In the middle of Rainbow Dash’s stomach there appeared to be a large, vaguely potato-shaped blue blob with mismatched magenta eyes, a nose a lifelong prize fighter would’ve balked at, cauliflower ears and bulbous lips. Below it was a pair of baby-sized arms. The monstrosity looked at Apple Bloom, and she fought the urge to run.
“Hi, I’m Halfsie,” the horror said in a voice that sounded like Rainbow’s, except with more phlegm and less charm, and it waved at AB. “I’m Rainbow’s parasitic twin.”
Under the circumstances, Apple Bloom acted appropriately. She screamed bloody murder, then crumpled to the floor in a dead faint.
“That… went better than expected,” said Rainbow as she, Halfsie and Applejack stood over the prone girl.
“Do y’all remember when ya introduced me to Halfsie,” said AJ, “and Ah tried ta stab y’all with that pitchfork?”
The two-plus girls shared a chuckle and said, “Good times.”
Halfsie cocked an eyebrow. “I guess this would be a bad time to tell Apple Bloom she’s destined to save the population of Mars from asphyxiation.”
