Not The Hero We Needed Nor Deserved

by Vespertilio

Rating: teen
Tags: Prince Blueblood, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1179

Blueblood has decided to rule Equestria for a day. Of course, when this is revealed, half of the population dies of heart-attacks. Now he's wondering how he'll accidentally kill the other half.

It's not always that a whiny, attention-seeking and prissy stallion takes the place of Celestia. For starters, he can't even brush his own mane. So if he can't take control of his looks without a maid to help him, that only begs the question. How will he take control of an empire?

He won't, is the answer.

Published 2017-03-28 02:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-03-28 02:10:01 UTC

King Blueblood

There a few sentences that shouldn't be uttered. No matter if it's for a comic intention. This includes examples like:

"So... is it really a bad idea to give Discord the Elements of Harmony?"

"Is four tons of glue really unhealthy or are they just lying?"

"I know I shouldn't but I'm really broke and my baby needs a bed. Is the oven a bad idea? Should I turn it on if she's cold?"

But there is one that tops them all. One that sends shivers down spines of fillies, colts, and even the toughest manticore you could find.

"What if Prince Blueblood ruled Equestria?"

Think of the scariest and most demented thing you could imagine. Got it? I guarantee you it's not as bad as the thought of... him ruling.

Let's look at his resume. First off, he's too dependent. I don't know about you, but that's almost the antithesis of being a ruler. You're leading people, they are dependent on you. That's not to say that you do absolutely everything. Even the Royal sisters have many ponies doing things for them. But Blueblood? He's quite a different story.

Let me read out a little message he wrote to a maid who delivered his tea too cold.

"Dear Light Streak,

I hated it! Appalling was the only word that cropped into my head. There wasn't enough sugar, while I specifically said two teaspoons. You gave one. Now, you are working for me. Because of that, I must naturally assume that you're a very well-educated and intelligent mare. So if you can't do simple arithmetic and deduce that I said two, it means you are either deaf or stupid. Honestly if I was ruler, you would be lucky as to still be in this life. Also, two weeks ago you put three teaspoons. Which means that's too much. I don't want diabetes, I just want to wake up in the morning refreshed. Why do you take this luxury of a good morning away from me every week? What is wrong with you! I just want to be treated like I'm in a six-star hotel and not in a basement of some fat slob. See how generous I am? I'm royal property and I ask for only six stars. Not ten. Yet somehow you fail to deliver. See to it that next week you deliver two teaspoons.

(P.S) I'm terribly sorry but I've just been told that you do have damaged hearing."

That long-winded rant all for nothing. And the scamp still sent it, just in case. For what? He acts as if nopony knew he had a short temper. I mean, if he does this for tea, what's he going to do for an actual offence. Reintroduce beheading?

No, he wouldn't. The sweet release of death from his voice isn't something he would grant.

Next up, his drunkenness. He gets drunk. A lot. And if when he's sober nopony can stand him, how's he like when he's almost incapacitated?

I've actually found another letter here. It's been sent by Princess Celestia. If she's responding then that means he did something worse than usual.

"Blueblood,

I will officially stop any messages that refer to you as 'Prince Blueblood'. As ruler of Equestria, I cannot tolerate your behavior at the event last night. I recall telling you that the guests coming were not interested in 'doing it'. Unfortunately, you didn't take no for an answer and you did your 'duties' on the table. I've also been informed you wasted half the tissues, and I can only imagine why. And then I heard you essentially mauled a guest for looking at you 'funny'. In terms of property damage you caused in fights... I'd say an estimated five hundred thousand bits. Mostly in expensive pottery."

Of course, he didn't take lightly to the message. So he responded. When he was drunk.

"Deargh Prince Celestiac,

Don't teall me waht to dew. Ahm the best gosh darghn ruler of Eqostria. I own the bestest rulers. All really good looking. Soh stahp it and don't call me fat. I knew yah didn't but if you see meh don't. And I did naght hit him. He geve meh foony looks and I dahnt like thaght. And yor knew what elghse? Youre fat! You stupid sunbutt. And why dahn't you tell Luna to raise my moon. I'm sure she wount mind. She's looking preeeettty good."

After that message, Celestia showed it to Luna. She then locked them both in a room. Prince Blueblood didn't come out of that room for six months.

Now, you might be wondering. What's all this about? Why are we talking about it as if it were to happen?

Because it surely wouldn't. Right?

Right?

"Hello, ponies of Equestria! The regal sisters have departed to Canterlot to do business. They'll be gone for a couple months. As you know, we had a previous temporary ruler. Unfortunately, he's called in sick. He had another assistant who would take his place. He's called in sick also. So, I will be taking over for today. Do they know about this? No. But that isn't important. What's important is that you all respect me and don't call me names. That includes you in the back row! Yes, you! Third to the right. No, not him. Yes him. Prince Periodblood isn't a funny name. Guards! Take him away!

"And that one, who beat me in chess.

"You, in the corner.

"To your left.

"Unicorn in the front.

"Mare with the red cap.

"The three fat ponies in the back.

Over the course of two hours, half of the population was in prison. Yeah, Prince Blueblood got angry at a lot of ponies.

There were a few other aftermaths of his temporary ruling. Here's a report of them all.

"Prince Blueblood's Part-Time Ruling Report:

- 85 billion bits in property damage.
- Enough accumulative anger to create a fireball.
- Tirek rises.
- Sombra rises.
- Chrysalis rises.
- Starlight has turned evil again.
- Twilight's parents not found.
- Nightmare Moon rises.
- Entire cities covered in sludge.
- Strange ape-like creatures have emerged.
- Constellations appear to be crying.
- Atoms have become squares.
- Alcohol now tastes weirdly of peppermint.
- Bits have no value. There is irreversible poverty and crime.
- Magic doesn't work anymore.
- Friendship doesn't work anymore.
- The Elements of Harmony don't work anymore.
- In the next few months there will be an estimated 30-60 million deaths.

Both Princess Celestia and Luna were treading through the barren wastelands. Nothing could be seen but skeletons and the burnt ashes of... well everything. The weather ponies were all dead, assumedly, so the wind was moving at an incredibly fast speed. Dust landed near the eyelids of both Princesses.

But through all of this, nothing made their blood boil more when they saw what they saw.

A blimp in the air, and painted with crude red letters on it...

"I'm sorry!

(But not really)"