The Truth Behind Pinkamena
Hello there. What brings you here? Oh, wait. I know what you're here for. You're here because you want to know the truth. I don't know why you would bother. It's not like it would make any sort of difference. Oh, well. I suppose it would be nice to finally talk with someone. Maybe...
Alright, have a seat. Go ahead and make yourself comfortable. If I'm gonna spill the beans, I might as well spill all of them.
I suppose I should introduce myself properly. I don't actually have a name. Not an official one anyway. She never bothered to give me one... She never bothered to give me anything. Ugh... You know who I am though. You all call me Pinkamena. You know me from that one episode in Season One. Now, I'm gonna make something very very clear! I am in no way related to that... thing that you bronies created. That gruesome creature from that gruesome fanfic was born before I even debuted!
Ugh... Ever since I showed myself, I've been connected to everything grimdark. It's so ridiculous! When Rainbow Dash crashed my party, I never once thought about cutting her up and making her into cupcakes. Though, sometimes I wonder what it would be like... Never mind. It's not important. Then again, is anything I say here important? Ah, whatever. Why don't I just start from the beginning? Let's see...
It was a few years after Pinkie Pie left the rock farm. Oh, Pinkie... I know you're familiar with her. A hyper little pony that wants to make everyone smile. Somepony that actually thinks she can be friends with everyone. That's the pony she wanted to be ever since she discovered her special talent. What an idiot... She really thinks that everything will be alright in the end no matter what. I can assure you, it is no mask. I know. I've been stuck here in the void of her mind for a long time now. I've seen her thoughts and emotions myself. I know Pinkie better than anyone else ever could, including herself. I know what makes her happy. I know makes her sad. I know what she's afraid of. I know everything about her!
Anyway, Pinkie wanted to be the pony that could cheer anyone up. She wanted to be able to put a smile on anyone's face no matter how dark and gloomy it was. But what about when she was the sad one? That was an issue, of course. Sure, she could usually pull herself out of it, but what about those times that she couldn't?
I'm sorry, I don't think you understand how much that affected her.
Let me put it this way. You get your cutie mark when you discover your purpose in life. Unlike what some of you more simple minded bronies may think, Pinkie's special talent isn't just throwing parties. That is simply her forte and nothing more. Her true special talent is making people happy. How do you think she felt when she couldn't cheer herself up? She started to doubt herself and was very afraid. How could she fulfill her purpose in life and make others happy when she couldn't even make herself happy? She was overreacting of course, but she isn't self-perceptive enough to know that. Then again, who am I to talk?
The point is, Pinkie was scared and didn't know how to handle it. Then, I was born. It's hard to describe what it was like. Try to imagine being born, but you had another person's mind and memories. At the same time, you also have a completely different personality. It's an odd feeling, especially when you're just born. Pinkie didn't even know I existed. She thought I was just another part of her. She only realized I was something else a little after Season One.
From then on out, whenever Pinkie was depressed and couldn't get herself out of it, I took over. It didn't happen much. In fact, me coming out on her birthday had only been the second time I had came out. That and back when I was born, which was about three years before if I counted correctly, were the only times I took control.
Perhaps, you would like to know why I behaved the way I did back in that episode? Well, I need to set a few things straight. I guess I'll just start from when I started coming out.
It was when Pinkie was inviting Applejack to Gummy's after-birthday party. Pinkie is easy to trick. Mostly because of her, what do you call it... ADHD? And of course she always assumes her friends have good intentions and are going to be honest with her. That said, even Pinkie can see right through Applejack when she tries to lie. Applejack lying to her to get out of going to Gummy's party hit Pinkie hard and I started slipping out. Of course, Pinkie just pushed me back in and pretended that she trusted Applejack's word.
I started rising up again when Applejack wouldn't let Pinkie see inside the barn. No, I didn't take control. If I had, I wouldn't have walked away. Chasing Rainbow Dash and interrogating Spike was all Pinkie as well. She could take all that. But then she came to believe that her friends hated her parties and didn't want to be her friends anymore, which she could not take. That's when I finally took control.
That said, I didn't have total control. Honestly, I didn't really want to. The little party and the new friends were Pinkie's idea. I was just there to remind her why her friends were terrible and didn't deserve her. You think that's bad? Well, in case you forgot, I was created to hold all of Pinkie's negative feelings and shield her from her despair. What's good and what's bad isn't really something I care about. Then again, I don't really care about anything. It's just the way I'm programmed.
Anyway, so me and Pinkie both had control at the moment. Apparently, two people having control of the same body can cause some TWICHing to occur. Then, Rainbow Dash showed up and crashed the party. Pinkie didn't want to see her, so I took control. Not completely though. Pinkie held me back from actually hurting Rainbow Dash. No, I wasn't going to torture her to death! Though I still wonder sometimes... Never mind.
You know what happens after that. Pinkie finds out they were just giving her a surprise party and happy ending. Blah, blah, blah. And that was the last time I had control. And it seems that's the last time I'll ever have control. After that happened, Pinkie learned to deal with her despair herself. I've seen the changes myself. She doesn't need me anymore.
Flutterjerk says her purpose in life is worthless? She doesn't need me.
Discord betrays her and Tirek sucks her magic out like a milkshake? She doesn't need me.
Starlight Psycho rips her cutie mark right off her flank and stuffs her in a brainwashing room? She doesn't need me.
Svengallop treats her less than dirt for doing the best she could? She doesn't need me.
The only time Pinkie has lost control since the party was when that new girl came in here. The one Discord created. I believe you bronies call her 'Angry Pie'? Yeah, she took over for a bit, but she vanished after Pinkie took back control. Can't say I enjoyed her company during her stay.
So, I'm stuck here forever. Sitting in the darkness of Pinkie's mind with no purpose or reason at all. Looking through her memories, thoughts, and emotions as if they were books to pass the time.
No, no. Don't feel bad for me. I don't mind it. Honestly, I prefer it in here than out there. It's not like it hurts my feelings. When you're made out of negative feelings, you don't have positive feelings to balance it out. When there's no balance, it's as if you don't feel at all. I'm numb, I suppose.
I do talk to Pinkie sometimes, but only when she's asleep. She'll end up finding me while dreaming and force me into a conversation. I humor her only because it makes things go by more smoothly. We just have a little tea party with our friends; Rocky, Madame Le Flour, Sir Lintsalot, and Mr. Turnip; and talk. Why did I keep them around? I don't know. I guess I was lonely.
Pinkie tells me that she's sorry. That she loves me. That she wants to be my friend. Sometimes I really do wish I cared.
I watch her as she roams through her dreams. I could change them, but I don't. Sometimes, when she's having a nightmare, I wonder if I should change it into a good dream. After all, Pinkie is the only one that cares about me. And sometimes, when she's having a good dream, I wonder if I should change it into a nightmare. After all, Pinkie is the reason I'm this... thing. There's reasons for both, but neither reasons are good enough. So, I do nothing.
Do I hate Pinkie Pie? Hmm... It's not that I hate her. It's more that I hate everyone. It's probably because I'm an embodiment of negativity, but I only see the worst in others.
Applejack? A stubborn hick with way too much pride.
Rainbow Dash? An egotistical jerk that spends most of her time kissing her own flank.
Rarity? A vain snob who thinks she's perfect.
Fluttershy? A spineless wimp that put's animals above ponies.
Twilight Sparkle? Oh, please! How did that obsessive know-it-all become a princess? Then again, her mentor is a narcissistic troll that makes everypony else do her dirty work. So, I guess it's all a big joke. Makes sense, I suppose. Although I often think about Twilight, regarding the whole 'Want it, Need it spell' incident. It makes me wonder if there's a 'Pinkamena' in Twilight's head too... Ah, well.
And why do they always give crazy jerks second chances?! Princess Luna, Trixie, Discord, Sunset Shimmer, Gilda, Starlight Glimmer, and whoever next gets redeemed on this show! Why give them the chance? Hay, Discord is the Spirit of Disharmony and Starlight is a sociopath! Then again, who am I to judge?
I'm looking at it all the wrong way? Well, maybe I am. Like I said, I only see the worst in others. Maybe I look too deep into it as well, but what would you expect? I'm locked inside the brain of Pinkie Pie with nothing to do but think. Therefore, I have a tendency to look deeply into everything. Maybe too deep, but who cares?
There's not much else to say. If there is, I don't feel like talking about it. You know the truth and then some. What more could you want?
...You want to know what happened the day I was born? I'm afraid it's not much of a story. Ah, well. If it makes you leave quicker...
Pinkie had been hired to do a birthday party for some brat. It was outta town, closer to the Pie's Rock Farm than Ponyville. It was for a colt named Badhoof. He had just gotten his cutie mark and Pinkie worked her flank off to give him the best cute-ceanera ever. She got the party set up, entertained the guests, and pulled out all the stops to make everything perfect. And what does the little devil do? He yells at her that the party was awful; that everything she did was stupid! He even suggested that Pinkie's cutie mark was fake!
Poor Pinkie couldn't take it. She ran away, crying her eyes out. Then I was born. Did I do anything to Badhoof? Yeah, I stuffed his cake into Pinkie's party cannon and shot him point blank in the face with it. That's as much as Pinkie would let me do.
What? I don't care about Pinkie. I was just doing what I was created to do. Besides, It doesn't matter if I care about her or not. Did anything I say really matter? Did it make any kind of difference? I didn't think so. Ugh...
Funny thing is I don't know if I even want any of this to matter. I don't really want anything. Desire requires emotion and, like I said, I'm numb. I don't want. I suppose it's for the best. I'm sure if I had any true feelings, my imprisonment here would be torture. If I had any true desires, my imprisonment would be torture. I'm content the way I am. I don't know if Pinkie will ever need me again and I don't care. You can't hurt if you can't feel. Blessing? Curse? It's all the same to me.
Well, that's all there is for me to say. Thanks for listening, I guess. I suppose it feels good to have gotten all that off my chest, but I wouldn't know. Now, if you don't mind, I'm late for a tea party.
Goodbye.
