Bananas are evil and should never be trusted
Author's Note
Blame this on me.
And enough caffeine to kill a baby elephant.
I'm not even a little bit sorry.
Bananas are evil and should never be trusted
CLANG
“Nonononono!”
BANG
“Ugh!”
CRASH
“Oops.”
Spike wasn’t in the least bit surprised to be awoken at 3AM by Twilight’s erratic hoof beats on the bedroom floor. He cringed, trying to block the sound out with his blankets.
“No that’s no good either.”
WONK
Spike’s eyes cracked open to narrow slits. He sighed, throwing his blankets dramatically from his basket. Something told him that nothing shy of horse tranquiliser would shut Twilight up now. He groaned, trying to make his annoyance known.
Twilight ignored him.
“This can’t be right,” Twilight muttered to herself, trotting from one side of her bedroom to the other. Three books floated around her in a pink sparkly hue. The pages on the book directly in front of her flipped in a wild blur that Twilight was somehow, astoundingly, able to read. Spike would have chalked it up to some kind of Alicorn superpower if he hadn’t seen Twilight perform the same feat as a small filly.
“What is it?” Spike asked, because he was going to find out either way, he might as well be open to the idea.
Twilight stopped, seeming only now to realise that Spike existed at all. “Spike!” she said, as though that resolved everything.
“What?” Spike grumbled, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
“Do you know what tomorrow is?” Twilight asked, eyes wide and obviously sleep deprived. She checked the clock on her desk before wincing. “Today. Oh Celestia, I mean today.”
Spike cringed. “Uh, Wednesday?”
“Yes,” Twilight said, and then frowned. “No. Hang on. Today’s Saturday. You weren’t even close.” She paused. “Did I ever teach you the days of the week?”
“You’d think it wouldda come up in the ten years I’ve been fused to your side,” Spike deadpanned.
Twilight waved a hoof in the air. “It doesn’t matter; we’ll deal with that later. Today isn’t just not-Wednesday, Spike. It’s the day Sunset Shimmer arrives in Equestria!”
Spike’s eyes widened. “Wait. She can do that?”
“Of course she can do that!” Twilight said, waving an insignificant book in the air to accentuate her point. “Don’t you remember the lengths I went to to ensure I could travel to that human-world any time I liked?”
“And how often do you use that?” Spike asked.
He was met with silence.
“I’m just saying,” he continued. “You went all Frankenstein on that project; you didn’t let your friends leave the palace for like… three days, which I think constitutes as kidnapping. And you’ve travelled there, like, once since you’ve done it.” He paused again, waiting for a response. When he was again met with nothing he said, “And you read all of Sunset Shimmer’s letters that she writes to you, so I know you knew she was in trouble that one time. And then that other time. And then she went silent for like, three weeks, which was kinda disturbing, but you never said anything about it. And you never went there to check on her.”
A beat.
“I was busy, Spike!” Twilight said indignantly. “I’m a Princess for Celestia’s sake, Sunset Shimmer just has to learn important life lessons on her own. I can’t just show up and save the day with my awesome Alicorn powers any time she gets stuck on a math problem!”
“Actually,” Spike said, claw raised, “didn’t Sunset solve that last problem you went over there for practically on her own anyway? All you did was sing a song. Badly.”
“Hey!” Twilight huffed. “I was under a lot of pressure.”
Spike sighed, shrugging. “What is it you’re so worked up about anyway?”
“Sunset Shimmer isn’t coming alone!” Twilight said helplessly. “She’s bringing her marefriend.”
“Girlfriend?”
Twilight glared. “Marefriend.”
“So…?”
“So!” Twilight barked out a semi-manic laugh. “So her marefriend just-so-happens to be me!”
“Uh…”
“From the human world!”
Spike’s eyes popped open. “Oh.” A sly smile crossed his face. “Oh.”
“Stop it!” Twilight insisted, her books falling sharply to the ground. “It’s not funny, Spike. I’ve been catching up on Sunset’s letters to me… she really sends a lot of them.”
Spike chuckled. “I bet she does.”
“Spike!”
“Sorry, sorry. Continue.”
Twilight’s jaw set. “Like I was saying, I was reading her letters and it turns out that the Twilight Sparkle of the human world is… pretty badass.”
“Well sure,” Spike said with a grin. “She’s you!”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “You’re not getting it Spike.” A journal flew from the bookcase by her bed, stopping inches from Spike’s face before opening.
Several letters from Sunset Shimmer glistened on the pages. All of them were dedicated to the human-world’s Twilight Sparkle. Some were praising her for how far she’d come, some expressed the new powers she’d gained as well as the rest of the Elements’ human counterparts.
“Sunset can read minds?” Spike asked loudly, mouth hanging open.
Twilight swatted him with the book. “Not that,” she hissed, the pages turned quickly before stopping. “That.”
“Oh,” Spike said, squinting at the words. “What the heck is a Midnight Sparkle?”
“That’s just it!” Twilight said. “It’s me! Other world me! She stole all of my human friends’ power into a locket that she designed herself and then consumed it all at once. She turned into a force of unstoppable evil and named herself Midnight Sparkle!”
“Wait a minute.” Spike squinted. “Hey, yeah, that name sounds familiar now. Didn’t you used to call yourself that when you went through that emo phase?”
Twilight swatted Spike with the book again. “We do not talk about that,” she snarled. “Ever.”
Spike laughed through the pain forming in his head. “You wrote all that sappy poetry. You even sent some to Princess Celestia! What did you write again? Oh yeah, your eternal sun pierces the darkness in my heart. My ethereal tears leak like tiny- OW!” This time, Twilight hit him with a broom.
“Where did you even get that?”
“Don’t you see?” Twilight asked, dodging the question. “Sunset’s version of Twilight Sparkle was evil before she was rehabilitated, and now she has this awesome new power that shouldn’t even exist in their world all because of her evil alter-ego.”
“I don’t think that’s quite right-”
“Evil!”
Spike frowned. “Uh. What?”
“Evil!” Twilight repeated. “I’ve been trying to figure it out all night and that’s all I’ve managed to put together. Every powerful force in both our worlds got that way by abusing their power in a show of evil first! Think about it,” Twilight said as she began to pace. “Princess Luna as Nightmare Moon, Starlight Glimmer, Discord, Sunset Shimmer and now the other reality’s me! Heck, even Celestia went through a power-hungry phase where she decimated a small city!”
“What?”
“Everypony shows their power by going mad with it first,” Twilight said, chewing on her hoof nervously. “So why haven’t I?”
“Oh I dunno, I think you’re pretty mad,” Spike deadpanned.
“Don’t try to make me feel better.”
“I’m not.”
“What if the reason I never had an evil phase is because I never had enough power to go mad with it in the first place?” Twilight wondered aloud. “What if this other world’s Twilight Sparkle is more powerful than me? What if when she comes to visit, Princess Celestia realises she’s a much more powerful and interesting Twilight Sparkle than I am and decides to crown her the Princess of Friendship instead?”
“Twilight-” Spike said carefully, “I really doubt that’s gonna-”
“I’M DOOMED!”
~*~MEANWHILE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE WHERE EVERYPONY’S A HUMAN~*~
Sunset Shimmer stood at the portal between worlds ironically hidden inside the backside of a horse statue.
Twilight pushed her glasses up her nose, staring intently at the portal. “So will it just… open?”
Sunset closed her eyes, kneading her temples with her knuckles. “Uh-huh.”
“Fascinating,” Twilight murmured. She glanced over to Sunset. “You look a little stressed about all this. Are you sure you want to go?”
Sunset choked out a laugh. “When you get a personal request to visit your old home world by your mentor who just so happens to be the God of that world, you don’t say no.”
“And your world’s God… is our Principal Celestia.” Twilight had pulled out a notebook from thin air. She jotted some words down with a pen that had been stashed behind her ear. “I keep forgetting that. I just find it kind of odd that a Principal of a local high school in our world is literally the ruler of yours…” She tapped the pen against her notepad thoughtfully. “I mean, wouldn’t it make more sense if she was say… the president? Or a Queen?”
“Celestia never took the title of Queen,” Sunset said vacantly. “When she taught me, it was before her sister’s banishment ended. Still, they’d always ruled together, and you can’t have two Queens. But you can have two Princesses.”
“And that’s… Luna… Vice Principal…” Twilight frowned. “Huh.”
“What?”
“Well, if your Celestia never became Queen, why did our Principal decide to one-up her sister?”
Sunset blinked, coming out of the subdued haze she’d put herself into. “Well, I suppose your Luna never got banished to the moon.”
Twilight nodded, biting her lip. Sunset loved it when she did that. “I suppose you’re right. Still, I wonder if our Luna has a dark past. Oh, before I got here, did she ever get in a fight with Celestia? Ooh, was she ever issued a warning by the school board?” Twilight said warning the same way she might have announced failing a test. Sunset tried not to smile.
In any case, her girlfriend’s ramblings had settled her mind enough for her not to freak out over the slightest sound emanating from the statue.
Getting a letter from Princess Celestia was… incredibly terrifying. She hadn’t spoken to her mentor since she’d run away, twisted and cruel, feeling as though she was entitled to all the power in both realms. She’d stolen the Element of Magic right out from under Princess Twilight’s nose, only to be pursued through dimensions to have it reclaimed. Then of course there was the whole demon thing and, well, now Sunset was here, as reformed as she was going to be if the refusal to give up her leather jacket was any indication. And Celestia had invited her to Equestria.
Why she had been invited, Sunset still wasn’t sure. Princess Twilight didn’t go into very much detail on that front in the note she’d left in their inter-dimensional journal. It had taken her four hours just to read the damn thing after Twilight insisted she try to understand the magic behind it in her make-shift lab in the janitor’s closet. Needless to say, it hadn’t gone well.
Twilight smiled apologetically to her girlfriend. “I’m sorry,” she said, “the last thing you need is for me to get all crazy over this.” She snorted in that adorable manner of hers. “I should be trying to comfort you.”
Sunset smiled, winding an arm around the purple-haired girl. “Believe it or not, Twi, you did. Just by being you.”
Twilight blushed.
Then the portal opened.
Sunset screamed, jumping for cover.
“Oh man, no, I’m not ready, I can’t do this!” Sunset yelped, clambering back onto unsteady legs. “What if Celestia didn’t even want me to come? What if Twilight set this up for us? Oh I don’t want to do this.”
“Hey, it’s fine,” Twilight said, pulling her girlfriend the rest of the way up. “I mean… I’ve never been to a world populated by horses before.”
“Ponies.”
She cringed. “Right. Ponies. But, I imagine that if your Celestia is anything like ours, she’s probably the forgiving type.” She chuckled. “Unless you’re on the rival team.”
Sunset swallowed hard. Unfortunately, by running away, she’d more or less created a ‘rival team’. She rubbed her arm awkwardly. “Yeah. You’re probably right.”
“Besides,” Twilight said, nudging her. “I don’t want to hurry you or anything but I really want to know what your world looks like. The last time I got a glimpse of it, heh, wasn’t under the best of circumstances.”
Sunset laughed, easing up. “Yeah, sure.” She squared her shoulders. “Let’s do this.”
~*~BACK IN THE DIMENSION WITH HORSES~*~
Sunset stepped out of the portal with trembling hooves. She’d almost forgotten what it felt like to walk on all fours, but fortunately instinct kicked in and she found herself landing with a click onto the royal palace floor.
Twilight fell with a WHUMP straight on her muzzle.
“Oh, Twi, I’m sorry!” Sunset gushed, reaching out with a wing to help her up. “Oh Celestia, I forgot to tell you about that… it’s kind of weird, huh?”
Twilight didn’t say anything, in fact, she wasn’t looking at Sunset at all, instead her gaze fell somewhere to her side. Sunset frowned. “Hey are you okay?”
“Sunset…” Twilight cleared her throat. “Uh, didn’t you say that you were a unicorn?”
“Yeah,” Sunset said, willing some rudimentary magic to her horn to emphasise this point. Just like riding a bike, you never forgot this kind of stuff. “See?”
“But…” Twilight said. “But…”
“I think what she means to say is,” Princess Celestia said, standing ahead of them at an impressive three-pony height; her mane was just as ethereal and enchanting as Sunset remembered, “I believe you’ve grown wings.”
“WHAT?” Sunset nearly fell to the floor. She looked to her side and without thinking, a bright orange feathered wing flung itself from her right, sticking out with all the regality of an injured pigeon. Sunset screamed, turning about herself in an attempt to make it close. “What? What is this?” She reached with her hooves to find her horn still where she’d left it. “But I still have my…” her words dropped off, her mouth falling slack.
“You’re an Alicorn…” Twilight gasped.
“But how is this possible?” Sunset demanded, still fighting to get her wings to fold back in. She pointed to Twilight with a hoof. “You’re not an Alicorn!”
It was true, the human-verse Twilight had come out of the portal as a lowly unicorn. Her mane was tied in a no-nonsense bun and somehow her glasses had survived the trip, smartly balanced across her muzzle.
“Well,” Celestia muttered, “this doesn’t usually happen.”
Luna, who was stood next to her, shook her head. “Sister, pray tell, when has this ever happened?”
Celestia opened her mouth to respond, when the doors to the royal throne room crashed open and Princess Twilight Sparkle proudly made her entrance.
Or she would have, if she hadn’t tripped over her make-shift cape upon entry.
“Twi!” Spike said, rushing in after her. “Are you alright?”
“Stupid cape,” Twilight muttered, before pushing herself back onto all fours. “I mean, uh, AH-HAH, SUNSET SHIMMER AND THE LOWLY TWILIGHT SPARKLE… MY uh UNSUPERIOR HUMAN COUNTERPART, NOW REDUCED TO A SIMPLE UNICORN IN A BODY SHE DOES NOT YET KNOW HOW TO POSSESS. SHE WOULD NEVER DO WELL ON THE THRONE. NEVER!”
Twilight’s mane was in disarray, a hurried job had been done to stuff most of it into a top-heavy top hat. She had a far-too-long black cloak tied around her neck, billowing out several feet behind her. She also wore a fake moustache and monocle. She twisted the moustache fondly with her magic. “I SAY OLD CHAP, I DO BELIEVE I AM MUCH BETTER SUITED FOR THE THRONE, WOULDN’T YOU SAY?”
She cast a desperate, slightly manic expression over to the two Princesses, who gaped at her without saying a word.
“So now you’re from Trottingham?” Spike muttered.
“Why is she British?” Human-Twilight whispered to Sunset.
“She’s… uh…” Sunset stared at Princess Twilight, then to her own wings, then to the Princesses. “I feel kinda light headed.”
“Please,” Celestia said, rubbing her forehead with her hooves. “One ridiculous problem at a time!”
After the mania had settled somewhat – somewhat being derived from the fact that Twilight had yet to relinquish her atrocious cape and her even more-so atrocious accent – Celestia brought everypony into the dining room, where she sat everyone down with a cup of tea and a pastry.
Human-Twilight studied her pastry, staring uselessly at her hooves. She looked to Sunset for an explanation. Sunset smiled, pointing to her horn.
Human-Twilight squinted at her pastry, her horn flickering for half a second before her tea went sky-rocketing across the room. The tea sprayed over the occupant opposite her, who just so happened to be the Princess of the Night.
Luna’s lips twisted sourly as she mopped the tea from her starlight mane with a handkerchief. She sighed. “Please,” she said in the voice of someone close to having an aneurysm, “just eat with your muzzle.”
Human-Twilight smiled awkwardly, lifting a hoof in an attempted thumbs up. Her expression drooped immediately.
Sunset shook her head, levitating the pastry on her girlfriend’s plate with half her attention so she could eat it without creating face art on the dish.
Princess Twilight blasted her pastry with her magic, lifting her hooves in victory when it was reduced to ash. “MY NEWEST OPPRESSOR HAS BEEN VANQUISHED!” she cried, before Celestia shoved another pastry in her mouth.
“Chew,” Celestia ordered, “or I’ll put you in a time out.”
Princess Twilight huffed around her mouthful.
Celestia crossed her hooves, staring at Sunset practically. “I must say, although this is not the first occurrence of something going wrong with the portal, this is the first time somepony has come back as an Alicorn.” She shook her head. “Honestly? I’m really not sure what to do.”
“There’s never been an Alicorn created who wasn’t directly involved with royalty,” Luna added through a bite of her pastry. She seemed to be enjoying it immensely. “Only once has a non-royal member of Equestria been gifted with such power, and that was… Twilight.” Something about Luna's expression seemed to hold a deep-seated regret. She glanced to Celestia for confirmation.
Celestia was fondly wiping crumbs from her student’s lips. She laughed. “I must say, Twilight, your new outfit is certainly… something.”
“Sister!” Luna scolded. “Only seconds ago you were reprimanding her!”
“But doesn’t she look adorable?” Celestia protested.
Twilight snarled. “FOOLS, I AM NOT ADORABLE. I AM EVIL! DON’T YOU SEE THE MOUSTACHE? AND THE CAPE? AND THE ACCENT?”
“Since when are ponies from Hoofington evil?” Spike pondered. He was in a high-chair, much to his chagrin.
“Actually…” Human-Twilight said, chewing her pastry thoughtfully. “Back where I come from you’d be surprised-”
“Can someone please just tell me why I have wings?” Sunset asked, giving her girlfriend an apologetic smile.
“Right,” Celestia said, frown deepening. “Like I said, this doesn’t happen often…”
“But it does happen?” Sunset asked. “Who did it happen to?”
Celestia’s eyes narrowed, her voice turned very grave. “It was many moons ago; I had been checking that the mirror was unmarred in our Palace’s basement… bathroom. A dark, torturous place that nopony dare enter. Needless to say, I had assumed it would be fine.”
She lowered her voice further. “Unfortunately, I had been eating a banana at the same time the portal was about to open. I never check my calendar for these sorts of occurrences, in all honesty, it would have probably saved many lives if I had…” She cleared her throat, swiftly changing the subject. “I dropped my banana into the portal. Many days later it appeared once again, suddenly gifted with the ability of sporadic omnipresent teleportation. It has yet to return since that day. But I live in fear. Waiting for the banana to return to us, wreaking havoc on all in its path.”
Silence followed Celestia’s words.
Luna cleared her throat awkwardly.
Sunset shifted in her seat. “Anyway…” she said, “I guess I was more interested in knowing if any ponies have been given these abilities before.”
Celestia shrugged. “Eh, who keeps track at this point?”
“Really, sister?” Luna asked in shock. “You never told me about the banana!”
“I didn’t tell anypony about the sunglasses you dropped in there either,” Celestia bit back.
“How did you-”
“You really didn’t think no one was watching you with those sunglasses on? Making speeches about how ‘cool’ the night can be?” Celestia shook her head reprovingly. “No one should wear sunglasses at night, sister, it’s simply impractical.”
“I-”
“Anyway,” Celestia said, her horn beginning to glow. A notepad of her own poofed into existence in front of her. She studied it before glancing back at Sunset. “Princess Twilight here tells me that your work in the human world has been rather exceptional. Apparently you have beaten the forces of evil with the power of music and garish outfits almost half a dozen times now.”
“Well-”
“Hmph.” Celestia closed her notepad. She glanced at Human-Twilight. “I don’t suppose you want to be a Princess too?”
Human-Twilight’s eyes widened. She shook her head vigorously. “Honestly. I kinda want to go home.”
Celestia nodded. Princess Twilight hoof-pumped the air victoriously.
“MY COMPETITOR IS NO MORE,” she yelled out, slamming her hooves onto the table. “I HAVE VANQUISHED YOU, VILLAIN!”
Human-Twilight gaped.
Spike face-palmed. “Stop. Please just. Stop.”
“Well,” Celestia said with a shrug. “I guess I can make you a Princess, Sunset, just to avoid confusion.” She glanced at her with an eyebrow raised. “It will mostly be a title for show rather than anything imbued with actual royal power or status, just to stop the press from harassing us. I assume you enjoy your human life now?”
Sunset gulped. “Very much.”
“Great,” Celestia said. “Because if you hated it this would make things a lot more complicated.”
Sunset pursed her lips.
“We’ll send you back to the human world with a gift basket,” Celestia said, “once all of this is over.” A new piece of paper appeared in front of her, a regal looking scroll. “A coronation might have to take place… just to ensure that your title is deemed somewhat believable, although we might be able to push past that depending on how attentive our media gets.” She sighed, resting her chin on her hoof. “I hate paperwork.”
Luna rolled her eyes.
Sunset and Human-Twilight sat in the dining room quietly while the three Princesses went back to the throne room for an intimate royal-only conversation. Something told Sunset that Princess Twilight had only been asked to join so that she wouldn’t harass her counterpart.
Human-Twilight successfully raised a fork with her magic. “Hey!” she said excitedly, “I did it!”
Sunset smiled. “That’s great.”
“Why do you even have forks?” Twilight wondered aloud, spinning it in her magic. “Don’t you usually just eat with your face?”
“Uh…”
“I don’t get it either,” Spike said grumpily. No one had let him down from his high-chair. There was a good chance the Princesses had forgotten he’d existed too.
“So…” Twilight said with a roguish grin. It was adorable, even in pony-form. “Princess Sunset Shimmer?”
Sunset sighed, blushing. “Only on paper, I’m not even technically a citizen of this dimension anymore, I can’t really run it with any true power.”
“Still,” Twilight said, “the wings are pretty cool.”
“Eh,” Sunset said, nuzzling her girlfriend, “reading minds is totally cooler.”
“Okay!” Celestia said, bowing regally. She had a hastily thrown together crown that consisted of what looked like brass and orange jewels that Sunset was pretty sure were made out of plastic. “I dub thee, as of today, Princess Sunset Shimmer, the royal Equestrian Princess of Thinking.”
Sunset suppressed a giggle. “Thinking?”
Celestia sighed, shrugging. “We didn’t have much time, and I really did read up on you Sunset, you have truly become something spectacular out in that human world. If you can read minds in your world – even if it is with the help of a jewel – then I can proudly name you the Princess of Thinking.”
“A bit lame, don’t you think?”
Celestia’s shoulders slumped in defeat. “Trust me, it was either that or the crowned Princess of Daydreaming and honestly Luna only wanted that name so she could boss you around.”
Sunset cringed. “Fair point.”
“So, here’s your, uh, crown,” Celestia said, gently lowering the metal monstrosity onto her head. A slight flourish of magic accompanied the action, just to make it look a little more spectacular. It worked a little.
“There!” Celestia smiled. “You’re now a Princess. On paper. I can’t stress that enough.” She narrowed her eyes. “Your royal status by no means exists in any other dimension except for this one. You cannot parade about this title in the human world and you most certainly cannot use your power to dictate and rule over others. Understood?”
Sunset frowned. “It was one time!”
“Understood?”
“Yes.”
Celestia’s beam rivalled her sun. “Good.”
As eventful as the first day in Equestria went, the following seven days were thankfully, mercifully, peaceful. Sunset showed her girlfriend around Canterlot, and even travelled to Ponyville with Princess Twilight to introduce her to the pony-counterparts of all her friends at Canterlot High. Everypony was very welcoming, except for Princess Twilight who – although abandoning the cape – refused to stop speaking in a British accent until the third day. Even then, she would catch her counterpart’s eyes, staring at her meaningfully before mouthing I’m watching you.
Sunset Shimmer had to hide her wings under several layers of clothes when she walked around town, and although she had brought up the question with Celestia why she didn’t just do that any time she visited instead of going public, the Princess insisted that making her a Princess was a lot easier on paper. Sunset didn’t really believe her, but she’d grown kind of fond of her crown so she was willing to accept it.
Her coronation would be held in several months and all her Canterlot High friends would be invited. Needless to say, the media would have a field day. Somepony was almost certainly going to be tackled under the false pretenses that they were a changeling. The chaotic side of Sunset was looking forward to it a lot more than she should have.
Sunset enjoyed her time with Human-Twilight in Equestria, and her girlfriend had collected a significant amount of data about the dimension that she was eager to add to her equations and other scientific doo-hickeys as soon as she got home to the human world.
Upon stepping back into the portal when the week was up, Sunset and Twilight were gifted with a complimentary fruit basket filled to the brim with not just fruits, but cheeses and a wine that Sunset was pretty sure would be too potent for her high-schooler stomach. The basket contained absolutely no bananas.
Sunset was extremely relieved to be going back home.
