Starlight Kills Herself

by Doctor Disco

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Random, Discord, Slice of Life
Length: 1965

When Starlight thought “I want to kill myself”, she didn’t think she’d take herself so seriously!

When Starlight thought “I want to kill myself”, she didn’t think she’d take herself so seriously!

Turns out, she wanted to kill herself a lot more than she realized.

Blame my friend, who continuously jokes with me (and I joke back) about killing ourselves.

So I thought "Why not make a fic about it!"

Published 2017-03-28 18:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-03-28 18:40:01 UTC

"Wait, what?!"

Author's Note

get the bleach.

"Wait, what?!"

“Aha!” Starlight cried, jumping out of the time bubble.

Starlight and Twilight, the present ones, both looked between each other and the new Starlight.

“Wait,” Starlight whimpered, glancing from herself to the duplicate in front of her. “W-what?”

“I’ve come to kill you!” Future Starlight announced, and she readied her blade.

“Twilight, meat shield!” Starlight cried, and Twilight yelped as she was pulled from where she was standing. With one swift motion, the sword-

Hooooold up.

Wait a second, did we start in the middle of the fic?

PINKIE! GET ME THE RIGHT PAGE!

Thank you.

Now, let’s begin with just an hour earlier…

Starlight Kills Herself
by Doctor Disco

“Starlight!”

Starlight couldn’t help but groan in her bed. It wasn’t even half past 8, and Twilight was already calling her down. What was this madness? With a shake of her head, Starlight pulled the covers closer, and she snuggled in.

“StarliGHT PLEASE!”

Starlight could only wince. With a heavy sigh, Starlight fell out of bed. Now lying on the cold crystal floor, she face-planted into it several times. Leaving her face against the floor, she focused her magic and she teleported.

“Starlight, TERMITES!” Twilight screamed, holding a duster in her magic. “Termites everywhere! AHHHHHHHHHH!”

“Wait, what?” Starlight asked, now somewhat awake. Taking in the situation around her, she felt herself rear back just a little in surprise. Wiping her eye with a hoof to rub the morning out of it, she found a dozen little insects clinging onto her fur. With a slightly disgusted noise, she shook them off.

All around her, chaos was breaking. Even Discord would have been out-chaosed with how much was going on. Little black spots covered nearly all the books in the library, Each one eating away at ancient times and shameless replicas. New books and old, no wood was exempt from the feast that was lain in front of the six-legged abominations.

Spike was desperately trying to dust them off and destroy them with dragon fire, but he only ended up getting a few and burning the books behind the swarms. Twilight herself seemed to be holding a million dusters in her magic, brushing off dozens of termites at a time, while even going as far as using her magic itself to crush each consecutive bug.

“Starlight, help!” Twilight cried, “The books are going to be destroyed! My lifetime’s worth of books! This is even worse than Golden Oaks! Nooooooooo!”

Starlight sighed. With Twilight already in panic mode, she would have never thought to use a simple displacement spell targeted specifically for pests. “Sometimes, I want to kill myself,” Starlight murmured as she cast her spell. In the blink of an eye, all the termites and their hives were gone…

...Including the chandelier made up of the roots of the Golden Oaks Library.

“What happened to my chandelier?!” Twilight cried, staring up at the empty abyss that was the ceiling. “It’s gone!”

“Well, deary,” Starlight began, “It would seem the chandelier was where all the termites were coming from! Savvy?”

“B-but…” Twilight’s lip quivered as tears began to sprout, “That had been there for a year… and my friends did it for me…”

Starlight’s sarcastic smile faltered as she slowly widened her eyes, quickly recalling the events just a couple weeks prior…

Fluttershy was covered head to hoof in insects and critters of all kinds. Spiders and ants crawled in between her hair, and termites oozed from her hooves and fur.

“I gathered all the animals like you asked, Starlight Glimmer,” Fluttershy smiled, her pupils unnaturally small. Harry the bear loomed beside her, growling, and Starlight gulped.

“Uh…”

“Well, I didn’t have anything to do with it, so, uh, you don’t have to worry about me!” Starlight announced nervously, her eyes mysteriously shifting from left to right. Twilight didn’t seem to care, as she was mourning the loss of the roots to her old home.

“Spike, you know where my instant-vacation kit is, right?” Starlight called, and Spike nodded, watching Twilight as well. “Can you go get it?”

“Uh, sure…” Spike murmured, watching Twilight for a few seconds longer.

Starlight remained smiling awkwardly, watching Spike retreat before she fell to her haunches. Dragging two hooves down her face, she groaned. Closing her eyes and rubbing her temples, Starlight couldn’t help but continue to facehoof. Repeatedly.

“Kill me now,” she said. Suddenly, a fierce wind kicked up out of nowhere, and Starlight cracked open one eye to see what was up.

“Uh oh,” Starlight muttered, eyes widening for the nth time that day as she saw a time bubble beginning to grow. “Twilight?”

Twilight continued to sob on the ground.

“TWILIGHT! It’s your turn to help me!” Starlight cried, ripping Twilight away from her reverie. “Look!” Starlight directed Twilight’s gaze to the time sphere and Twilight quickly wiped her eyes.

“What.” Twilight deadpanned, her previous woes momentarily forgotten. Just then, a voice could be heard screaming in glee before a smoking figure crashed into the floor. The figure’s impact had enough force that it cracked the crystal.

“Woo, that was much more fun than the other times I’ve done it before,” the figure smiled, and the smoke cleared. “And I’ve finally made it…”

Starlight Glimmer watched as Starlight Glimmer shook her mane of dust. “Aha!” Starlight cried, pointing a sword at Starlight.

“Wait,” Starlight whimpered, poking herself and Twilight before returning her gaze to Starlight, “W-what?”

“I’ve come to kill you!” Starlight announced, and she readied her blade. “From the FUTURE!”

Starlight widened her eyes as she stared at the Future Starlight Glimmer. What in the hay was going on right now!? But there was no time to think, as Future Starlight had already begun a jab that would surely end her life. With no time to think of a shield spell strong enough to ward off a pointed edge, she did the next best thing.

“Twilight, meat shield!”

Twilight could only yelp in surprise before she was yanked from her position beside Starlight and placed in the direct path of the blade.

Shwick!

And just like that, Twilight had been impaled.

Quickly bending the tip of the blade so it couldn’t be retrieved from Twilight, Starlight hyperventilated. Future Starlight smiled. “Clever, very clever, me,” Future Starlight commented, “Very clever.”

“Thanks, I’ve been practicing,” Starlight nervously grinned, appreciating the praise. “Sorry Twilight, I had no other options.”

“No… problem…” Twilight managed to breathe out before she died on the ground between the two Starlight’s.

“Ooo,” both Starlight’s winced, watching the crimson ichor ooze from the wound.

“At least she was chill with it,” Future Starlight said.

Just then another time bubble opened up beside them.

“Oh,” Future Starlight muttered, “That must mean I eventually fail.”

“Wait, what?” Starlight asked.

“I came back here for the sole reason of ‘killing myself’,” Future Starlight said nonchalantly.

“Wait, what?!” Starlight asked.

“I was in your place too, you know,” the New Future Starlight suddenly butted in, having quietly made an entrance; as opposed to Future Starlight’s own grandiose gesture.

“Wait, what?!?!” Starlight asked, glancing between the identical future hers.

“And yes, our vocabulary consisted primarily of ‘Wait’ and ‘What’,” New Future Starlight grinned.

“Oh, you sneaky devil, you,” Future Starlight purred, “But I’m sorry, I have to kill myself.”

“As do I,” New Future Starlight said. Future Starlight began to smile and pull out a knife before she realized something. Looking down, a blade lay, wedged right where her heart would be.

“Oh, bugger,” Future Starlight whispered. With another grin, her eyes rolled into her head. “Mission Accomplished!”

“Well, I’ve just killed myself, so I don’t need to kill you, but then if I killed her, there would be no reason for you to go back, and therefore I would cease to exist, but then-”

Starlight shook her head. “Starlight, just stop.”

New Future Starlight sighed. “Right, right. Don’t explain it if we don’t have to.”

Just then, another chronosphere appeared above them, and this time, an anvil came rushing down, along with a swashbuckling outfit. “Aye, hello there present me!” Pirate Starlight cried. The anvil proceeded to crush Future Starlight.

“Wait, when did I become a pirate?!” Starlight cried.

“When ya realized there was no escape from us future Starlight’s trying to kill you! Savvy?”

“Oh no,” Starlight whimpered, “Does that become my catchphrase?”

“More or less,” Pirate Starlight said, “Though I think I met another pirate by the name of Jack Sparrow as I was traversing the multiverse that also used that term.”

“There should be a captain in there somewhere, shouldn’t there?” Starlight asked.

“I dunno, never asked!” Starlight cried before pulling a flask from somewhere. “Yo ho ho and a bottle of-”

With no warning whatsoever, an arrow pierced Pirate Starlight right between the eyes, causing her to fall off of her perch atop the anvil. Spooked, Starlight shakily bent her head to look around the anvil and saw herself heaving, holding what looked to be a bow and wearing a green hood.

“Ahhhhhhhh!” the Green-Hooded Starlight shouted before a snap was heard and she was suddenly frozen over.

A draconequus now slinked around Starlight, chuckling to his heart’s content. “Oh my, what do we have here?”

“Your demise!” another draconequus cried as a new Starlight and Discord popped out.

“Wait, when did that happen?!” Discord shouted, pointing a paw at himself. “I would never wish to kill myself!”

“But I would certainly try to, just for fun,” Future Discord smirked.

“Oh, you know me too well, me,” Discord smiled, pulling out a small metal stick. “En garde!” A bright laser erupted from the stick, coloured blue.

“So it all came down to this?” Future Discord whispered, pulling out his own metal stick which turned on, also blue, “You underestimate my power!”

Starlight had to rip her eyes away from the sight before she got caught up in something she couldn’t understand.

“You too, huh?”

Starlight turned her head to look at herself. “What?”

“I’m you from just a few minutes in the future. Discord pulled me with him after this whole fiasco.”

“You know, I’m seriously thinking of killing myself right here and now,” Starlight sighed. “This is too much for me.”

“You know, that actually sounds like a great idea!” New New New Future Starlight exclaimed, pulling a sword from one of her dead future bodies. “And now I finally can!”

“Never!” Present Starlight cried, pulling another sword from the pile of dead Starlight’s. And thus, the two Starlight’s faced each other with a sword in the other’s magical grasp. All the while, the two Discords clashed, both now wearing some sort of battle robes, accentuated with real flowing magma.

“You seem like a decent Starlight, I’d hate to kill you,” Future Starlight said.

“You seem a decent Starlight, I’d hate to die,” Starlight acknowledged. “To the death!”

“Begin,” Future Starlight smiled, and blades clashed.

Spike came running down the stairs, suitcase in tow, when he suddenly discovered his worst nightmare.

The floor was lava.

“NO! How will I get to Starlight now?!” Spike cried, before he realized what was going on.

Dead Starlight Glimmers were scattered everywhere, one even crushed under an anvil, another dressed like a pirate. He looked to his right, and saw Discord swinging what he assumed to be a lightsaber at another Discord also holding a lightsaber. To his left, he found two Starlight’s commenting each other as they furiously crossed blades.

“On second thought…” Spike said calmly, pulling a set of glasses out of the suitcase, “I’ll just take my leave now and work later. Adiose!”

Spike teleported away to the island nation of Hawaii, leaving the Discords and Starlights to gleefully battle away.