Fools!

by InfinitySlayer

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Tirek, Comedy, Random, Crossover, Main 6
Length: 1683

Tirek has taken over. The fate of Equestria rests upon the legendary sword, Excalibur. If only they could get him to stop rambling about his legend...

Tirek has taken over. In a last ditch attempt to save Equestria, Twilight and her friends have opened the box Celestia provided. They find within it the legendary sword of ultimate heroic power, Excalibur.

Too bad the sword won't stop rambling on about his legend.

A loose Soul Eater crossover. No prior knowledge of the series is needed for understanding, as even one who has watched the anime will have no idea what's going on either.

Published 2017-03-30 19:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-03-30 19:10:01 UTC

My legend begins in the Twelfth Century...

Twilight inserted the golden key into the strangely shaped gray stone, watching in curious amazement as the obelisk of obviously immense power began to open. A smile flashed across her violet features. This box was their last line of defense against Tirek. All other attempts to combat him by force had already failed. This was the box of legend, the central icon she and her friends had been unknowingly working towards opening for the past season of their lives. The fate of Equestria, nay, the entire world, hinged on whatever lay in that fantastical gem shaped object.

Her friends looked upon the box with expressions verging on desperation. Tirek was one of the most powerful opponents in recent history. Without the power of the Elements, their chances of success were regrettably thin. Whatever was inside of the object had to be a weapon capable of defeating an enemy imbued with the magic of most every pony in all of Equestria, including the alicorn Princesses. Needless to say, there weren't too many items like that just laying around in dark, ominous caves.

As the box accepted Twilight's offering, it began to glow softly with a regal golden light. Twilight gazed on the spectacle in awe as she began to trot slowly backwards. Her friends followed suit, giving the radiating box an ample amount of space. Yellow ribbons of beautiful light spread from the object and into the cave as the box began to open.

Twilight watched with a sparkle in her eyes as the powerful golden light filled the cave. For a wondrous moment, only that heavenly light remained. As the light dimmed, she and her friends gazed upon the object protruding from the newly opened box in utter amazement.

Its heroic frame reflected and amplified the heroic, golden light radiating from its being. Its hilt was forged from reinforced gold, its handle encrusted with precious gems imbued with unknown power. It's double edged silvery blade shone with blinding radiance, filling the souls of the six ponies with newfound courage and heroism.

The blade that could tear through space itself was lodged in a regal manner in the now open stone. Twilight gaped with her jaw inches from colliding with the floor. The sword simply radiated magical energy of seemingly infinite power. If any weapon had the capability of defeating Tirek now, in Equestria's darkest hour, this golden sword was one.

Without any real mode of communication, the sword addressed the group of dumbfounded ponies with a masculine voice like a flowing river,

"Welcome. Welcome to my cave, young ones. Please forgive my belated salutations. I am the holy sword... Excalibur!"

Excalibur... the name filled Twilight's mind as she recovered information regarding the blade.

"Wait... you're Excalibur? The sword that brought Celestia to the throne? The sword that is said to bring the one who removes it from its stone untold glory and power?"

Excalibur filled the caves with his heroic voice,

"One and the same, young one. My legend dates back to the twelfth century-"

Twilight interrupted the legendary sword's comment as she analyzed the blade with a wide smile,

"Then you can help us stop Tirek! My name is Twilight Sparkle, and the nation of Equestria is in need of your-"

The sword suddenly dissipated from the stone, materializing a few feet away from the surprised mares as a strange pale being with a rather exuberant white top hat. It vaguely resembled an awkward penguin, with a long, curved nose and a squat body that only stood about at half the height of the gaping equines. In its stubby white hand, it held a white cane that was reasonably longer than its own frame. It gazed at the group with unblinking black eyes as it interrupted Twilight's request by shoving the curved edge of his cane into her muzzle,

"Fool! One must first take the time to think before rushing forward blindly. I am the legendary sword, Excalibur. There is not one who can match my power and regality."

Twilight rubbed her slightly bruised nose with her hoof, looking at the strange creature with confusion evident in her eyes.

"Right. As I was saying, we need your help to-"

"Fool! Rule number 49, never interrupt Excalibur while he is telling his legend. Would you like to hear it, young one? A harrowing tale of heroism and sacrifice, of strong allies and even stronger enemies-"

"But our current situation is rather desperate-"

"-which dates back to the twelfth century? Very well, I will tell you my tale. It all starts in the twelfth century, in the royal city of Canterlot..."

For a long moment, the strange being known as Excalibur fell strangely silent. Twilight prodded the creature with her hoof, nervous and rather impatient sweat beading on her muzzle. As she placed her hoof on his nose, Excalibur batted it away with a flick of his cane,

"Fool! There are 1,000 provisions you first must acknowledge before you become my Meister. We will begin with the most important rule, number 452, the mandatory five hour story telling party."

Twilight craned her head as she replied with her exasperation evident in her voice,

"Before I become your what? You aren't making any sense-"

"My mornings begin with a cup of coffee with cream at the cafe. My afternoon begins with hot tea with two lumps of sugar. And my evenings... in the evening I change into my pajamas."

Rainbow Dash snapped as the last strand of her patience slipped away, darting inches away from his face as she spat words at the sword of legend,

"We don't have time to listen to your legend! The fate of all Equestria is at stake!"

"Fools! There's nothing better than a cup of herbal tea in the morning. That's why I start each day with a cup of coffee and cream."

Rainbow Dash's face curled in utter confusion,

"But you just said that-"

"Fool! My legend dates back to the twelfth century, you see. My legend is quite old. The twelfth century was a long time ago."

The cyan mare covered her face with her hoof in exacerbation as she replied,

"Yeah, I guess it was, but listen! There's a rampaging monster on the loose as we speak, and you're our only chance to defeat it."

Excalibur pondered this statement for a moment, stroking his long nose with his stubby hand in thought. Just as the group of confused and tense equines began to unwind, the legendary blade questioned,

"Where have you six come from?"

Twilight sighed in relief as she responded to the first halfway rational question the being had yet to ask, replying,

"We have come on behalf of all of Equestria to stop Tirek-"

"I already knew that, thank you very much."

"Then why did you ask-"

"What is your favorite flavor of pie?"

The violet mare pondered the random question for a moment, finally responding with,

"Strawberry rhubarb, now please explain what you're-"

"Fool! How dare you pick one flavor of pie above all others! All pies are equally delicious, especially raspberry!"

Twilight grunted as she raised her tones,

"Listen, Excalibur! My friends are in danger, and we need your help to stop Tirek's rampage. We can hear about your legend later, right now we need to-"

"Silence! My legend is so legendary that it takes priority far above any other small squabble. It dates back to the twelfth century, you know."

"But ponies are in serious danger-"

"Rule number 453, the mandatory story telling party is mandatory. If you truly wish to become powerful Meisters capable of defeating any foe, then you must observe these rules. They are very important, you see."

"I don't even know what a Meister is! We need to focus on the task at hand!"

Excalibur turned to face the tree containing the glowing Elements, his face still quite featureless. After a few moments, he spoke with his back turned away from the deflated equines,

"Fools. You don't understand the subtle genius of my character. You still haven't figured out what it is I've been teaching you all along."

Rarity raised an eyebrow towards the strange white creature,

"That being?"

Excalibur turned to face the crowd of expectant ponies. For a long second, he gazed upon them with heroic eyes. At last, he spoke with the voice worthy of a king,

"To sum up, that is what led to number 679 of the 1,000 provisions you must observe. Always place a dehumidifier in your room."

The cave fell silent.

At last, Twilight trotted forward, her expression hidden under her violet mane. Excalibur gestured to the mare with his cane, exclaiming,

"You are worthy! Take the epic power granted before you! Your enemies will become a footstool! Your name will be echoed across the earth!"

In a flash of golden light, Excalibur transformed back into the legendary sword, placing himself in the stone as Twilight grew close. She halted just inches from the hilt, her muzzle darkened under her mane.

"Become the ultimate Meister! This power I give to you from the heroic generosity in my heart."

Twilight placed her hoof upon the golden hilt of the legendary sword. A blinding white light erupted from the blade of heroic power, surrounding her being in energy.

Angelic wings of light sprouted from the talented mare's back, extending outwards to fill the entire cave. Her friends covered their eyes to avoid being blinded by the heroic radiation erupting from their lifelong friend.

"Together, we will become the ultimate legend!"

Twilight slid the sword back into the stone, trotting away from him behind her friends without speaking a word.

Excalibur called out to the departing group of mares, inquiring,

"Wait! We can skip rules 212 through 234! They aren't even that important... comparatively. What about the legend?"

Without turning around to reply, Twilight said to her friends,

"Equestria will be better off if we find a weapon capable of not being completely lame. Come on, girls. Maybe that Grim Reaper's son can help us."