Caitlyn arose from her bed in her college dorm, surrounded by her massive collection of fan movie posters on her walls, each actor replaced with Asian transgender women. She walked out and into her kitchen, and from the cupboard, she pulled out the box for her favorite cereal, Honey Nut Fetuses. Grabbing a bowl from the same cupboard, she got the carton of vegan non-dairy free-range almond milk and set everything on the table.
Turning on the TV on the countertop, she watched CNN as she poured her milk in and then the limp, tiny baby corpses. As she took her first bite, she couldn’t find the stomach to swallow as she couldn’t believe what she was seeing on TV.
“This just in,” the honest, unbiased anchorman said, “President Donald Trump just clipped his fingernails.”
This infuriated Caitlyn to no end, as she threw her bowl of cereal at her TV screen, breaking it.
“THAT FUCKING BIGOTED CUUUUUUNNNT!!” she shrieked. “HOW HAS HE NOT BEEN IMPEACHED YET? THAT FUCKING TRAITOR!”
The broken TV sparked in reaction to the pulverized fetus getting on the exposed wires, and the inside grew bright as it began to suck. Caitlyn tried to run, but slipped on her spilled almond juice, failing to crawl away as she was pulled further and further back. She hoped that someone could save her, but remembering that she was an atheist and did not believe in a God that could save her, she lost all strength and was flung off the floor and pulled through the TV.
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Caitlyn awoke inside the Everfree Forest, panting nervously at her surroundings.
“Oh no,” she whined. “There aren’t any Starbucks anywhere! How else can I enjoy my non-fat soy-mocha chip and also hate Christmas?”
She was then approached by a zebra sporting a short Mohawk-styled mane coming out of the brush.
“You, strange creature, are you alone?” she chanted in a thick accent. “Are you trying to find your home?”
Caitlyn smile went aglow, recognizing it immediately. “Oh my nothing! It’s a Muslim, the nicest people on Earth!” She leapt over and gave the nonplussed pony a hug.
The zebra pushed her away. “Silly girl, a Muslim I’m not. If you you’d not label me, I’d like that a lot.”
Caitlyn’s expression suddenly became vicious, her eyes wide, her pupils narrow, and her lip bit. “Did you just… assume my gender?”
Caitlyn punched the pony in the face, and thanks to her experience in campus protests, the pony felt it as only mild push in the cheek. “That was not nice, you moronic pest! Begone, wicked one if you know what’s best!”
Caitlyn ran from the bigoted pony, her arms flailing about her as she sobbed ugly sobs.
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Eventually, she made her way to Ponyville, and upon seeing the bright pastel colors and not a confederate flag or Chick-Fil-A in sight, she strolled into town, the thoughts of that zebra now behind her. She was so won over by how nice and fantastical this world was to her reality of inconvenient facts, that her shin bumped into Spike the dragon as he walked by.
“Oh, sorry! I didn’t see you…” Spike slowly stopped as he looked at the five ft. five beanpole made of sunshine and socialism. “What even are you?”
“Oh, you see, I’m a human. I like your world very much!”
“Uh, thanks… You know, for a ‘hoomin,’ you sure seem to be taking to your surroundings well, unless you’re from Equestria.”
“No, I’m not, but I don’t judge others, unlike you.”
“…Wha–”
“Hey, I skipped breakfast. Do you know where I can find a vegan restaurant?”
“If you want, I can take you to my friend Twilight’s. She may have food.”
The two of them walked together, eventually reaching Twilight’s castle, the sight of it making her gasp.
“Your friend lives here?”
“I know.” Spike sounded rather pleased. “Pretty amazing huh?”
“That little cunt!” Spike’s face drooped in shock. “Your one-percenter friend gets to live in this castle while all the other ponies have to live in huts! Everyone should get a free castle!”
Caitlyn kicked the door in. Well, she would if her weak, meatless legs were fortified with foods other than kale. Instead, something in her leg popped and she hopped around on one foot, massaging the pain out of her leg. Spike, seeing no threat to her other than her empty, vapid insults, pushed the door open. Caitlyn looked at the open door, stopped hopping, and stormed inside.
Before she entered, she turned back around. “Don’t underestimate women’s strength, cis scum!”
Spike could only stand and raise his hands up, unsure what half of what she called him meant.
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Twilight sat at her throne with her other friends, looking at the Cutie Map. Caitlyn came in, her presence alerting the others.
“What in tarnation!” Applejack exclaimed.
“Oh!” Caitlyn’s rage had now boiled over. “Of course you have bigot backwater hicks for friends. Typical conserva-tard!”
“What in the…” Rainbow Dash mumbled.
“And you!” Rainbow Dash stiffened, feeling unnerved being singled out. “What’s a lesbian like you doing hanging with these bigots?! You all should be ashamed trying to rope her in so you look all open-minded! Well, it’s not fooling me!”
“Excuse me! These are my friends you’re talking about!”
“Shut it! You clearly need me to be offended for you! Come on, let’s get out of here before they start trying to pray they gay away. Fucking sickos!”
“Miss!” Twilight shouted. “What in the wide world of Equestria is wrong with you!?”
It suddenly looked as if every fiber in Caitlyn’s brain snapped in three.
“Excuse you, bitch,” she whispered. “Did you call me miss?”
“You are female, aren’t you?”
“THAT’S NOT MY PROPER PRONOUN, CUNT! IT’S MX, YOU INBRED FUCKFACE! MXXXX!!!”
Caitlyn hopped onto the table and charged towards Twilight, but before she could even charge her horn, Twilight and the others watched as Caitlyn’s body, racked with years of insufficient nutrients and poor grasp on reality, disintegrated into fine dust. Twilight and her friends just sat in total stillness as Caitlyn’s remains settled on the table. Just then, a demonic looking fetus popped out from a pile of the ashes, barking and gargling at all the ponies. As they screamed, Spike ran in and splattered it with a flyswatter.
Author's Note
