Moral Conservative in Equestria
Cletus woke up and rolled off of his sister, his dick popping out of her vagina with a high-pitched pop. He walked out of his trailer bedroom and into the kitchen, and upon opening the doors of his fridge and pantry, he was dismayed that they were barren. It was then that he remembered that he hadn’t been able to shop for groceries or eat out since he boycotted every supermarket and restaurant for their endorsement of Godless liberal policies.
He then sat at his coffee table made from compressed paper with thousands of Breitbart-endorsed memes printed on them. Pulling out his Apple iPhone and going on to the liberal-owned social network Facebook, he checked out the trending section. At the very top of the list, Donald Trumps’s name appeared. Clicking his heels with excitement, he tapped on it. He was suddenly dismayed to read the first three headlines from ABC, Fox News, and TheBlaze, all of which read to the effect of: “Donald Trump Shoots Homeless Orphan in Face Outside Boston on $10 Bet from Steve Bannon.” Needless to say, such an abhorrent act disgusted Cletus greatly.
“Why they goin’ after good ol’ Trump?” Three of his rotted teeth spat out of his mouth in his anger. “I mean, what about her emails? Those libtard fake news sons-of-bitches, always ignorin’ Killary and Obam… Obu… Oretard!! I can’t handle this anymore!”
He fell to knees and clasped his hands together.
“Oh, good lord Jesus! Please deliver me from this God-fersakin’ world before them Demo… shits ruin it!”
Upon opening his eyes, he found himself on the grounds of a farm, being stared at by Applejack and Big Mac with confused looks on their faces.
“Where do you think it came from?” Applejack asked.
“That pony just talked?” Cletus asked himself. “But she sounds white, so she must be okay.”
He then approached them.
“Miss,” he said, “do you know where one could find our Lord and Savior Jesus?”
“Jesus?” Applejack looked to her brother with confusion, but his equally nonplussed face provided her with little help. “Sir, I think you may be lost. I’ve never heard of no Jesus!”
“What!?” his sudden violent reaction frightened the two ponies. “You must know Jesus! It’s your only way to avoid eternal torment and damnation!”
“What are you talking about, mister?”
“Don’t deny him in your heart!”
“This thing is crazy!” Big Mac managed to say.
“I’m crazy? For accepting the light of Jesus Christ!? You intolerant hateful liber-dumb-tit!”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Rainbow Dash, having been flying past the area, flew down to the scene. “What are you doing calling my friends names!”
Cletus gasped and pointed at the pegasus. “A faggot!”
He then took off his shit-caked boot and hurled it at Rainbow Dash.
“Yo!” she shouted. “You better stop that, or you’ll be sorry!”
“The only one sorry is here is you when you have to stand before the Lord for your sinful lifestyle.”
Ignoring her warning, he took his other boot and threw it, this time managing to clip her wing.
“Ugh! That’s it!”
Rainbow Dash flew down and clocked Cletus in the side of the head.
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Upon waking up, Cletus found himself in a hospital bed, surrounded by Twilight Sparkle and Applejack.
“Alright,” Twilight sternly said, “the first thing you’re going to do is apologize to my friends, and then you’re going to tell me what you are and what you’re doing here!”
“You’re with them, aren’t you? Why don’t you go and collect your welfare check, libbie?”
“What are you talking about? I’m a Princess of Friendship–”
Cletus slapped her in response, and with a point at her face, screamed, “Fake news!”
Cletus hopped out of bed and walked down the hallways, seeing everyone in moderately chipper spirits, raising his suspicions. Peering through a window he eavesdropped on the end of a meeting between a doctor and a visiting father, mother, and young colt.
“You’re all set now,” the doctor said to the colt, “have a wonderful day!”
Cletus watched with disbelief as they walked out of the room.
“Yo, doc,” he said, “don’t those moochers gotta pay for healthcare?”
“Not at all! The princesses cover hospital fees and doctor’s wages, so the patients can just focus on their friends and families getting better.”
“Ugh! Fucking socialist commie!”
Cletus punched the doctor unconscious, returning his sights to the family that left. Sprinting out at them, he kicked the colt in the stomach and sent him flying into the wall, instantly dead on impact. Cletus was met with horrified gasps, which only upset him more.
“You’ll thank me!” he said. “He’d be better dead than a communist liberal government leech!”
He ran outside and into Ponyville, and the sight was too awful for him to bear. Ponies of all colors and types in harmony with one another. Not one had supremacy over the other; they were all… equal!
“What kind of leftie hell did you send me to?” he cried out to the sky.
“You!” Twilight’s voice pierced through his wall of ignorance and fear as she and her friends all faced him. “You’re coming with me!”
“Why are you yelling at me?” he suddenly sounded coldly confident. “I thought you liberinoturdos were all supposed to be tolerant!”
“You killed a child!”
“Whatever, like you don’t kill children everyday through abortion!”
“No, I don’t, you sicko! You are an absolute monster.”
“Well…” Cletus was panting harder than he ever did reaching that G-Spot with his sister. “You… you’re a…”
Cletus searched for his phone in his pocket, but there was no spot in his pockets where his phone would be.
“What… no! My library of memes! How am I supposed to form an argument against liberals without my memes!?”
Faced with the mounting pressure to fess up to his actions, the possibility of deflection gone, his head began pulsing as his face grew red. His left eyeball suddenly popped from his skull and inflated twice its size, red with the blood from the illogic-induced stroke he suffered. Twilight creeped up to the creature and tapped him in the head, the lack of response confirming he was dead.
“What sick, cruel force would bring something like this here?”
___________________________________________________
Jesus and Mohammad laid shirtless beneath the covers on a bed in the sky, having watched the entire ordeal on Mohammad’s iPad.
“Well, that was funny,” Jesus said. “Hold on, let me check my feed.” He pulled out a phone from under the sheets and scrolled through before stopping. “Oh, looks like Timmy’s mom’s post only got six-thousand likes. Sorry Timmy, looks like you’re dying of TB!” Jesus and Mohammad laughed heartily as they tossed their devices off the bed.
“Now where were we…”
The two messiahs Frenched as they sunk beneath the covers.
Author's Note
