The Ultimate Pie

by Comet Burst

Rating: everyone
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 4344

Pinkie Pie bakes the perfect pie, but nopony knows what flavor it is.

Pinkie Pie loves pies. She adores them so much, she's determined to make the best pie anypony has ever tasted. After a lot of experimentation, she thinks she's finally made the perfect pie and has her friends over to taste it.

Problems arise, though, when nopony can figure out what flavor the pie is supposed to taste like.

Published 2017-03-30 17:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-03-30 17:50:01 UTC

Defying Imagination

Pinkie scrunched up her face as she stared into the oven, watching her latest batch of pies finish baking. Splotches of white were littered throughout her mane and coat, along with many colored stains on her apron. Around her, bowls and pans were piled almost to the ceiling, covering nearly every inch of free countertop. Bags of different fruits were tied and hastily tossed into an already overflowing walk-in freezer, right next to a garbage can which was surprisingly empty. A leaning tower of mixing bowls topped with a wig of whiskers seemed to lean over top of Pinkie, who looked ready to pounce on the oven.

Seconds ticked by with agonizing slowness to Pinkie as her mouth watered. Despite eating twenty seven and a half pies over the last two days, the intoxicating smell of freshly baked goods made her stomach growl. She licked her lips, not daring to break eye contact with her newest creations. Pies were a fragile treat, extremely easy to burn or ruin if not properly chaperoned, and she was not going to let these ones burn. Those twenty seven and a half pies had all been delicious, from apple to lemon meringue, but they were all just stepping stones to these, what she was hoping would be the best pies she would have ever tasted.

She scrutinized the crusts under the oven light, watching the edges of the golden crusts for any sign of overcooking. The temperature had been set to the perfect four hundred and sixteen degrees, the filling was warmed to exactly eighty four degrees before baking and the lattice was set to mathematically proven forty five point two angles to avoid any filling spilling out during baking. Her grin could barely fit her face and she nearly pressed her bright blue eyes to the glass as a small 'ding' came from above the oven. Thirty three minutes and seven point two seconds on the dot.

Grabbing any hot pads nearby, she carefully opened the door to the oven, allowing the hot air to escape in small quantities to avoid cold-shocking the pastries. Once the door was fully open, she gingerly picked up the hot pans and set them atop the oven with surgical precision, careful to avoid any unnecessary bumps or keeping them too close together. When all nine pies were free, Pinkie wiped the sweat from her brow and breathed a huge sigh of relief at the pristine garbage can. She smiled again and peered over the pies, proud as a mother hen. She had done it. The world's most perfect pies sat in front of her, and she couldn't wait to try them.

The next ten minutes and three seconds were just as agonizing as the baking wait to Pinkie. While the pies cooled, she had set herself on the monumental task of cleaning all the dishes. It had only taken her seven minutes and fifty eight seconds to do them all, meaning she had nothing to distract her from the scent of freshly baked pies for the remaining two minutes and five seconds. Eventually, the time elapsed for the perfect cooling time and Pinkie bounced in place, her heart pounding in her ears. It was time to test the ingredients and find out if she had indeed created the best pies in the world. She grabbed a fork and knife and carefully cut into the pastry, imagining herself as an ace surgeon.

"Nurse, I need a can of whipped cream, stat!" she said before giggling. In her head, a white pony with a blonde mane and pink outfit bowed quickly and darted off before returning with a can. Pinkie smirked as she carefully lifted the slice out of the tin, her eyes sparkling at the multicolored filling. It remained jellied, jiggling slightly as she moved it to a plate close to the tin but not spilling a drop of the precious goop within. The crust gave a small crunch and a few flakes fell from the top, but none of it broke off or cracked. With a steady hoof, she lifted the can of whipped cream and squirted out a dollop onto the top crust, watching it with excited and terrified anticipation. The crust bowed, but refused to break.

Pinkie grinned a grin like she had never grinned before. The pie had indeed come out perfectly with no flimsy crust and no soupy or burned filling; it was even better than she had hoped. There was only one thing left to do to confirm this was the best pie ever. She lifted her fork and cut a sliver from the slice with the same precision she had cut the while pie with. It was lifted to her lips where she took one last whiff of the pie before it passed her lips. She took a moment to savor the taste before her eyes went wide and the fork slipped from her mouth and hoof.

The fork spun through the air slowly, reflecting the brightly colored kitchen and Pinkie's shocked face before clattering on the floor. Her hoof trembled, but remained in place as her lips puckered. The trembling followed through her body as her eyes rapidly changed colors. She chewed once before gulping and turning her shocked gaze to the rest of the slice.

"I don't see why Pinkie insisted we needed to get over here as fast as we could," Rainbow Dash said, glancing around Sugarcube Corner with a derisive look. "Where'd she go anyway?"

"Ah don't know, but she said this was an emergency," Applejack replied, looking down at the plate and fork before her.

"She told me she had a breakthrough on something," Twilight said, looking around the table at the two of them. "Something about finding the perfect formula or something. She was talking so fast, I didn't understand half of it."

Rainbow Dash snorted. "Perfect formula for what? Pinkie isn't an egghead like you."

"Ah've never known her to be a very science-y pony like you, Twilight," Applejack said, tilting her head. "If anythin', she defies known science."

Twilight grimaced. "I prefer to think of it as her being, uh, eccentric."

"What's that?" Rainbow asked.

"You know, enthusiastic and... odd," Twilight replied. She shrugged her shoulders, hoping Rainbow Dash wouldn't ask what that meant as well.

"Well, she sure is somethin'," Applejack said, adjusting her hat. "Ah just wanna know where the hay she is."

"Right heeeere!" Pinkie said, poking her head out from behind Applejack. All three ponies flinched as she bounced by, her grin even larger than normal. She paused next to Rainbow and cleared her throat. "Thank you all so much for coming! I know it wasn't convenient for you, but I promise you won't regret it!"

"No problem," Rainbow said, leaning back in her chair. "What's all this about, anyway?"

"Ah was wonderin' that too," Applejack said, leaning over to look at her better.

Pinkie's grin became almost mischievous as she walked back to the kitchen. "Let's just say you won't be the same after this."

She disappeared behind the kitchen doors and all three friends looked at each other, their eyes wide. A few seconds of silence filled the room before Rainbow Dash pushed herself back in the chair. "Yep, I'm not doing this," she said plainly as she rose to her hooves.

"Wait, we agreed to help her. You can't just leave now," Twilight replied.

"Yeah, that ain't nice," Applejack chimed in, squirming in her seat.

Rainbow laughed. "You guys don't know this, but last time she told me that, I spent three days in a bathtub washing cotton candy out of my coat and mane, so I don't think I'm going to fall for this twice."

"Wait, what?" Twilight said.

"Long story," Rainbow replied, waving her hoof. "But the point is that I'm not getting pranked by Pinkie again."

"Cotton candy?" Applejack asked, her face turning pale.

Twilight looked between them as Applejack rose to her hooves as well and opened her mouth to say something when the doors to the kitchen burst open. All three of them froze as Pinkie stood triumphantly in the doorway.

"Are you ready to have your mind blown?" she asked.

Twilight's eyes shrunk and she rose to her hooves as well, but before any of them could move, Pinkie was standing at the table and smiling sweetly. A pie was somehow perched in her mane and she glanced at all three of them, her smile frozen.

"Uh, y-yeah," Twilight said with a forced smile. "R-Right, girls?"

Applejack gulped hard and placed her rump back into the chair. She nodded and all three of them looked over to Rainbow Dash, who was facing the doorway. Her eyes glanced back and forth between the table, the pie, Pinkie's smile and the doorway before she sighed.

"Alright, as long as it doesn't involve cotton candy," she grumbled.

"Yay!" Pinkie shouted before dancing on her hooves. Her smile warmed considerably as she slid the pie off her mane and onto the table. Twilight leaned in with Applejack, bracing for something to happen, but the smell of a freshly baked pie wafted into her nose. Almost instantly, her mouth began to water and she glanced back over to Pinkie.

"We came over for pie?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Yep!" Pinkie said with a nod.

Twilight and Applejack exchanged confused glances and Rainbow Dash shrugged. "I'm not one to turn down free pie. What flavor is it?"

"Yeah," Applejack said, sniffing the pie again. "It doesn't smell like apple or blueberry pie."

Pinkie's smile turned sly and she leaned in. "It's a surprise."

Before anypony could say anything else, Pinkie fished out a serving utensil from her mane and carefully scooped out a slice of the pie. She gingerly placed it on Rainbow Dash's plate and went for another one, eventually giving each of her friends a piece. Once they had their pieces, she backed away from the table and smiled innocently to them as they exchanged glances again.

"Is... Is there something wrong with my piece?" Rainbow Dash asked as she poked the jellied filling with her fork. "It's bright blue, yellow and purple."

"Nuh uh," Pinkie replied, shaking her head.

Applejack sniffed it again. "There's nothin' gross in here, is there? Like broccoli or them brussel sprouts?"

"Eenope," Pinkie said in her best Big Macintosh impersonation.

Twilight looked over her pie, cautiously analyzing the structure of the pastry before Rainbow Dash said, "Oh well. Bottoms up."

With a violent stab, Rainbow ripped off a chunk of the slice and shoved it into her mouth. She shut her eyes, bracing herself for something bad to happen when she chewed, but within seconds of her first chew, her eyes popped open.

"Uh, Rainbow? You alright?" Applejack asked.

Rainbow Dash didn't reply. Her mouth hung open, revealing the partially chewed piece of pie. Saliva began to drip from her mouth as her pupils shrunk to pinpricks. One of her eyes twitched and Twilight stood up.

"Rainbow?" she said.

Applejack and Twilight turned to Pinkie, who was smiling as innocently as before, but she was staring intently at Rainbow's vacant face. "What didja do to her?" Applejack asked.

"I gave her a slice of the best pie in the whole world," Pinkie replied nonchalantly.

"Pinkie, this isn't funny," Twilight said. "What did you do to her and what were you planning on doing to us?"

Pinkie blinked and turned to Twilight, a frown replacing her smile. "I wasn't going to do anything to you. I just wanted you to taste the best pie I've ever made."

Twilight turned back to Rainbow Dash, who was still staring vacantly forward while Applejack waved a hoof in front of her face. Applejack turned a worried look to Twilight when a shriek came from Rainbow Dash. All three of them jumped back as she glanced around the room wildly before focusing on the piece of pie in front of her. With a savage yell, she planted her face onto the plate and devoured the slice with massive bites. Bits of crust and filling flew from the plate, covering the tablecloth and part of Applejack's leg.

"More," she groaned. "More."

"What in tarnation?" Applejack said, her eyes tiny.

"More!" Rainbow Dash shouted, lifting her face from the plate and snarling like a rabid dog. Her lips and cheeks were coated in the sticky filling and chunks of crust. "I need more!"

"Woah, calm down there, missy!" Applejack said, backing away from her.

"Are you going to eat that?" Rainbow demanded, glancing over to Applejack's slice. She reached out a hoof for the piece, but a pink hoof came down on hers and Pinkie's bright smile appeared next to Rainbow's snarl.

"There's no need to take Applejack's slice, silly! I have more pie in the back!" she said with an unnaturally chipper attitude.

Rainbow snorted before blinking and shaking her head, as if she was snapping out of a stupor. She fell back in her seat and blinked a few more times.

"A-Are you okay, sugarcube?" Applejack asked.

Rainbow Dash turned her dazed gaze to Applejack and said, "I... uh, I think so."

"What happened?" Twilight said, leaning in towards her.

Rainbow blinked yet again. "I... don't know. I just remember taking a bite of that pie and... my mind went blank. It was just so..." Her eyes unfocused and a dumb grin crossed her face. "Amazing."

Twilight glanced down at her piece and raised an eyebrow. Before she could say anything, she saw Applejack lean in and pick off a piece of her slice with her fork. A grimace crossed her face, but she put the piece in her mouth and braced herself. Within seconds, her eyelids drifted open and she had a glazed look in her eyes. The fork fell from her hoof and she swayed in place, a dumb grin spreading across her lips.

"A-Applejack?" Twilight asked, bracing herself for another reaction like Rainbow's.

She turned slowly to her, her dumb grin growing. "Yeah, Twi?"

Twilight gulped. "Are... are you okay?"

"Twi, I don't know why you worry so much," she replied with a giggle. Twilight's ears pressed to her head when she realized Applejack's accent had disappeared. "I mean, like, you should just enjoy the simpler things in life. Pie, fresh air, pie, long walks through the forest, pie, a cute stallion buying you a drink at a bar, pie, uh... pie. Yeah..."

"What's she talking about?" Rainbow asked, looking nervously to Twilight.

Applejack giggled again as she stabbed her fork into the remaining part of her slice and she stuffed it into her mouth. Pure bliss washed over her face as she chewed and relaxed in the chair, looking like she was about to pass out. Once she swallowed, Pinkie trotted up next to her and smiled the same innocent smile.

"Was it good?" she asked, a playful edge in her voice.

Applejack smiled dumbly. "You don't even know, man. That pie is, like... I can't even. It was just so. Freaking. Amazing." She turned lazily to Twilight and glanced down at her slice. "You going to finish that, man?"

Twilight edged away from the table and looked down at her piece when she saw Applejack shake her head like Rainbow Dash had. The glazed look in her eyes faded and she blinked rapidly. "Uh, what just happened?"

Rainbow snorted and hid her snicker behind her hoof. "You had some sort of trip there, Applejack."

"Ah what?" Applejack replied, scrunching up her nose.

"You were talking all funny and seemed so relaxed," Pinkie said, trotting over to Twilight.

"Yeah, you looked like you were going to pass out," Rainbow chimed in.

Applejack whistled. "Woah, that was some seriously good pie, Pinkie. What was it?"

"Yeah, what flavor is this?" Twilight said, looking over to Pinkie.

She smiled sweetly back. "You have to try it before I tell you."

Twilight narrowed her eyes. "No, I'm not going to eat it until I know what's in it."

Pinkie frowned. "Aww, but that takes all the fun out of guessing when you're done with it!"

Twilight scrunched up her nose. "If there's some kind of illegal or hallucinogenic fruit in here, as a princess of Equestria, I won't eat it."

Pinkie smiled again. "I Pinkie Promise there's nothing like that in my pies."

"Really?" Twilight asked.

"Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye," Pinkie recited, performing the oath on her hind legs.

Twilight gulped as she looked back to the pie. It looked so harmless, but logic screamed something was off about it. Rainbow had turned into a savage eating machine and Applejack had gone into some kind of relaxant stupor after eating just one bite, but what concerned her was that neither one of them remembered that moment. Gulping, Twilight magically lifted her fork, cut off a slice and lifted it to her mouth. After gulping again, she put the piece into her mouth and felt the filling wash over her tongue.

Almost instantly, her vision faded to bright bursts of color. Yellow then blue, red and magenta along with violet and turquoise swirled around her eyes, blinding her to whatever was beyond it. Her tongue tingled in the most indescribable way and sent those same tingles throughout her extremities. She felt it through her mind, her legs, wings and even mane and tail. Her vision kept swimming with different shapes and colors while shivers ran down her spine, electrifying her already sensitive body. It felt like heaven until her vision began to come back and she felt herself being held down by Applejack and Rainbow Dash.

"W-What happened?" Twilight asked as her mind came back to reality.

"What do you mean 'what happened'?" Rainbow Dash said, a huge grin on her face. "You were just screaming about flying sheep in the sky!"

"What?" Twilight replied, blinking to clear the remaining color blobs from her vision.

Rainbow Dash laughed again. "It was so funny! You were having some sort of nervous breakdown and shouting that giant flying sheep were in Pinkie's window!"

"G-Giant flying sheep?" Twilight asked.

"Honey, you were having an episode about clouds," Applejack said with a shake of her head. "You said they were evil and trying to kill everypony in Equestria."

"Wow," Pinkie said, standing a little ways back from the three of them. "My pie must be really good for all three of you to do something like that. I wonder if I do something when I eat it. Wanna watch me?"

"P-Pinkie," Twilight said, sitting up. "What kind of pie was that? I don't even remember what flavor it was."

"Yeah, sugarcube, what was that?" Applejack chimed in.

Pinkie kept smiling and sucked in a deep breath.

"TwodaysagoIhadapiethatwassodeliciousthatIwonderedifitwaspossibletomakethebestpieever. SoIspentthelasttwodaysmakingandtastingallsortsofpiesand—"

"Slow down and breathe, Pinkie!" Rainbow shouted, staring at Pinkie's face turning blue. "Give us an easy version!"

Pinkie sucked in a few more huge breaths and the blue faded from her face. "I was saying I wanted to make the most perfect pie ever and came up with a new flavor of pie!"

"What flavor, sugarcube?" Applejack asked.

"I call it: Pie flavor!" Pinkie shouted, throwing two hooffulls of confetti into the air. Behind her, the party cannon fired out even more confetti and some party hats, but all three of her friends stared at her in tense silence as she blinked. "What?"

"Pie flavor?" Applejack asked, raising a derisive eyebrow. "Really?"

Pinkie nodded rapidly. "Yeah! It tastes like everything pie!"

"Pinkie, what exactly does pie taste like and how do you know that?" Rainbow Dash replied.

"Simple, it tastes like pie!" Pinkie said confidently. "I know because I eat a lot of pie!"

Twilight rubbed her forehead with her hoof. "Pinkie, pie has no flavor by itself. It's just whatever filling was put in the middle."

Pinkie smiled wider. "Nope! I made pie that is pie flavored! It's the ultimate pie!"

"Pinkie, that... defies every law of cooking," Twilight said, placing her hoof on the floor.

"Yeah, sugarcube. Just tell us what you put in it," Applejack said.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "It's probably some weird fruit from somewhere far away."

"Nope again!" Pinkie said, her cheerful attitude not diminishing.

"Fine, I'll find out what it is," Twilight said, her horn glowing. "I'll just cast a simple revealing spell on the pie and it will show us what's in there."

The remainder of the pie glowed within the tin and a gray mist formed above the pastry. It swirled slowly, as if it was mixing something in the air, but eventually it went white and an image of a pie shimmered on the mist.

"Wait, what?" Twilight shouted, her eyes tiny as the mist faded. "It can't be pie flavored!"

"Ah thought you were the smart one," Applejack said, turning to Twilight.

"Looks like pie flavor to me," Rainbow Dash said, raising her eyebrows. "Leave it to Pinkie to make a pie taste like pie."

"Let me cast it again. I must've done something wrong," Twilight said, her horn glowing once more. Again, the gray mist appeared above the pie and, again, the image of a pie appeared in the mist.

"Told ya!" Pinkie said, bouncing in place. "The ultimate pie is pie flavored!"

"But... but that's physically impossible!" Twilight shouted. "How can something taste like pie when a pie has to have a flavor? That makes no sense!"

"Thought you would've learned that about Pinkie by now," Rainbow replied, reaching out for another slice of pie.

"But, she literally broke the known laws of cooking! A pie can't just have a general flavor! It has to have a filling that is made from something else! That's why we call it pumpkin pie, or strawberry pie or apple pie! Applejack, you know this can't be right!"

Applejack swatted Rainbow's hoof away from the pie. "Ah ain't saying nothin' about this."

Twilight stuttered. "B-But—"

"Don't you like my pie?" Pinkie asked, suddenly very close to Twilight's face.

"I, er, I did like it, but it can't be just a pie flavored pie!" Twilight replied, backing away.

Pinkie frowned and pressed her ears to her head. "Why not?"

"Because!"

"Because why?"

Twilight let out an exasperated shout, lifting the remaining pie with her magic. "I'm taking this back to my castle and I'm going to find out what flavor this really is!" She turned and marched out of the door with the pie, slamming the front door to Sugarcube Corner shut.

Pinkie kept frowning at the door when she heard Rainbow Dash cough. "Uh, Pinkie? Got any more of that pie? I'd like to try another slice."

"M-Me too," Applejack said sheepishly.

The smile returned to Pinkie's face as she spun on the spot, beaming like the sun at them. "You bet! I still have eight more of them!"

Twilight stared with bloodshot eyes and disbelief at the paper being spit out of the machine in front of her. The pie was floating in a glass container with two huge computers whirring away on either side of it. Graphs and itemized lists were pouring out of the machine, but no matter what she read, they all said the same thing.

"Pie flavor! Why is it only reading pie flavor!" she shouted at the top of her lungs. "This can't be real!"

She wrenched the readouts away from her and stomped up to the machine. Her horn glowed and the glass container lifted from the computer, allowing the pie to drift down to her and she glared daggers at it.

"Alright pie!" she roared. "I don't know what Pinkie made you out of, but I will figure it out if it's the last thing I do!"

With a grunt, her magic ripped out a new slice of the pie and she glared at it before stuffing it into her mouth.

"Pinkie, we're back!" Mr. Cake called as the front door bell jingled. "Was everything al—"

He froze at the sight of Applejack swaying dizzily around the entry. She had a glazed look in her eyes and smiled dumbly at him before hiccupping. "Hey, Mr. Cake man. How's it hanging?" she said before giggling to herself.

"Uh, Pinkie?" Mr. Cake said a little louder, backing up from Applejack.

"Where's the rest of the pie? I need more of it!" Another voice shouted from the counter. His head snapped over to it to see a feral looking Rainbow Dash hunched over near the cash register, looking like a cat ready to pounce. Her face was covered in bits of all sorts of colored treats, almost like war paint. "Does he have more? Does he?"

"Pinkie!" Mr. Cake shouted.

"Yes, yes, what is the matter?" a third voice spoke. The doors to the kitchen swung forward, revealing a straight-maned Pinkie Pie wearing a labcoat. She had a set of spectacles hovering on the bridge of her nose and a clipboard in one hoof. "I'm studying the important effects of nonsensical magically imbued foodstuffs on... oh, hello Mr. Cake."

"Pinkie! What is going on here?" Mr. Cake shouted again, backing away from Applejack, who was leaning in a little too close for comfort.

Pinkie glanced back down at her clipboard and sighed. "I said I'm testing the effects of nonsensical magically imbued foodstuffs on ponies. So far, my tests have revealed that among the four test subjects, the magic manifests itself through unusual personality traits and suppressed emotions. Subject zero zero two here—" she flicked a hoof at Rainbow Dash, "—is showing increased aggression and greed as a way to—"

"English, Pinkie!" Mr. Cake yelled.

Pinkie sighed and rolled her eyes. "This must be how Twilight feels all the time. I'm testing the effects of—"

Mr. Cake never heard the rest of what Pinkie said. Behind him, a shout rang out across Ponyville that shook the town.

"They're back!" Princess Twilight screamed as she flew by, creating a giant wind gust. "Giant flying sheep!"