Three sociopaths and a Discord.

by awyx

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Discord, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Other, Nightmare Moon, King Sombra, Queen Chrysalis
Length: 2337

I woke up one night to see three horses with horns and wings and some weird creature thing in my livingroom, casually watching a game of Saturday night football. I began to question if I'm mentally stable once they moved in.

My life was perfect, I lived in a nice home and I had decent things, they weren't all the best but I could've had worse. I'm starting to believe I'm getting the worst after three horses and some weirdo popped up in my home.

King Sombra, Queen Chrysalis, Nightmare moon and Discord all ended up in my home one summer night. How they got here? I honestly don't have the slightest of clues. But now, they're asking me for help and shelter away from their harsh land of colorful talking horses. All because they need time to think for plans, when one of them is brain damaged from a blast to the frozen north.

But who knows. Maybe I'll end up loosing my thin string of sanity on the way of helping them.

Published 2017-03-30 13:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-03-30 13:50:01 UTC

Let's question my sanity.

My life was completely normal, I mean despite the facts that I had conflicts with my family but that's not the case, it was decent, I was living in a nice well taken care of home and I even had two doberman pinschers, everything was great! I was alone, which I did quite enjoy actually, it was better than being constantly annoyed by someone else in my eyes.

But yeeeaahh... about that! I now have three horses and some weird creature named Discord in my house now, let me see if I can actually remember their names for once...

Nightmare spoon? OH! No no.. nightmare moon! Some weird ass demon that wants to conquer all of 'equestria' and curse it under eternal night or some lines alongs that.

Then we have a weird pest named Chrysalis--I mean.. queen.. Chrysalis. I'm most likely sure her and the king were a thing at some point.

And then we have the stallion that woke me up at three in the morning on the third night when they all camped out at my home, his name is King Sombra. He's quite the bitchy type.

Either way, I have names for all of them and they all hate me but that's alright, Discord is more of an asshole to leave you bleeding seriously on the side of Area 51 so you can either die from bleeding out or get shot in the back by military snipers. But he's pretty cool once you get to know him, I guess.

But allow me to unfold you to my shitty life of living with four sociopaths! In which they want to personally hold me captive in order to get what they rightfully own in equestria and live happily ever after, a king wanting slaves and a bug queen wanting all the love in the world for her little nazis, then Discord just doing this for the fun and chaos of it.

•

"Hello human, did you bring back what I requested~?" A echoey feminine voice said above me as she lowered herself down, making her hang upside down.

I stared at her as I closed my front door, slowly, "No. And my name is Jacob, I've spoke to all of you about just calling me Jacob instead of slave or human, atleast Discord is more sane than you and Sombra, Jesus Christ." I pushed her aside and flopped down on my burgundy velvet couch.

Chrysalis hissed at me and bared her two little fangs, "Well, then how am I supposed to eat around here if I can't get any love?!" She twisted her head around to face me again.

I stared at her "I'm not bringing some hooker to my house for you to feast off of them to get love. Eat some vegetables or something, I heard bugs like sugar. Go mess around with Sombra, I'm sure he'd love to be your little boy toy."

The weird looking horse snarled at me and awkwardly crawled away from me on my ceiling.

Now I was starting to question my own sanity, first Discord showed up, then Nightmare spo-- I MEAN MOON! And then Sombra and then last of all was bug Satan also known as Chrysalis. I don't really hear much of Nightmare which is a blessing because the only time I do is Discord saying she clogged up the shower again with her fur.

I was snapped out of my thoughts as I saw Discord smugly walk over to my couch and plop down, taking a noisy sip of his chocolate milk.

Discord stopped feeling my eyes on him, he spit out the chocolate milk and it froze in time, he placed a lions paw on his chest "Oh, Celestia me! How rude. Would you like some...buddy of mine?" He gestured the chocolate milk to me.

"No."

All I know about this little gang of loons is that they try to get on my side by saying I am their friend, which I seriously doubt it all aside. Probably trying to use me for world domination over colorful horses. I don't see why they can't just help each other but now that I think of it, neither of them get along. But that makes me no different.

Discord wiped the smug expression off his face and pouted, refilling his chocolate milk and allowing the frozen milk to splatter to the ground "Fine!"

I rolled my eyes and lied down on my couch, I kicked Discords side and tried to get him off my couch, "Please just...let me have some rest."

He stared at me, "Why not sleep on your own bed? I claimed this couch, it's my couch anyways."

Correction. My couch.

Knowing the little Adolf Hitler that ran around my house, he took the most comfortable things in the house. Which...includes my queen sized bed.

"Because he's probably sleeping on it right now." I swiftly replied.

Discord waved his paw at me "Psh, no, Sombra is sleeping in the wash room, he got sick last night after I showed him something on that little device of yours... a lap, something, I thought he saw blood before!"

I stared at Discord for a long..long..time "Please tell me it was just gore on those weird websites.." I muttered to myself as I got up off the couch and watched Discord lazily plop himself where I was laying and teleport the remote to the TV to him.

Watching him flip through stations he stopped at the news and seemed focused, not bothering to interrupt his little entertainment box as he called it, I left to my room.

Quietly creaking my door open I saw my bathroom door light on, I cringed and let out a deep sigh only seeing Sombra passed out in the bathtub with vomit stains near his mouth.

I tapped him as he jolted awake and only frowned at my presence, "What is it peasant?! I was getting my beauty sleep!" He snarled.

"Sure you were.. anyways king or not you're not sleeping on my bed anymore, capeesh?"

The stallion only looked confused to my wording but waved me aside as he stepped out, screaming in horror at his messy mane and vomit stains near his muzzle.

I simply rolled my eyes.

"But, slave--"

"Jacob." I quickly corrected him.

"Mmm..." he hummed "..Jacob" he awkwardly spat out my actual name for once, at least we were getting to a start probably "I need that bed! I cannot sleep hearing Discord snore."

I shrugged carelessly, fiddling with his mane as he smacked my hand away from its inky color.

"Well I need sleep too. This is my home, not your castle or whatever. And don't think I can't hear Discord snore either, I can hear them while having my death metal full blast." I stared at him through the mirror.

The grey horse let out a 'bah' and flicked his tail, grabbing a white towel and wiping the disgusting stain from his mouth.

"Also I don't think you would like it if you slept in my room on the floor next to my dogs." I laughed mentally, remembering what happened the first time when he met my dogs.

Sombra flicked his ears to my direction "Oh dear Celestia to the sun, stars and Luna's moon and back please don't put me in a room with your vicious beasts!"

"Then stay out of my room." I said in the most monotone voice I could ever accomplish. The stallion only grumbled and fixed his mane with my comb and left my room. I pulled out the horses mane from my comb and threw it in the trash, letting out a deep sigh.

I dragged myself lazily to my bed and fell asleep slowly after being engulfed by my covers of warmth, the distant arguments between Discord and Sombra fading away as I drifted off to sleep--another day with them...gone.

•

I was awaken feeling a hard hoof kick into my spine, making me yell and turn around to see Sombra--in my bed, asleep, talking to himself. I snarled viciously and tried pushing him off my bed but he was heavy as hell!

Glancing to my door I saw Discord in the middle of the frame, clapping slowly, "Gee I didn't think you and Sombra would get it on!"

I really wanted to take that neck of Discords, twist it in a knot and watch him suffocate. Instead, taking a calm breath I smiled a fake smile and got up off my bed "He found his way on my bed when I was asleep, Discord."

The draconequus chuckled dryly as he made a fake leg appear "I'm only tugging on your leg!" He tugged on the fake leg that was floating in the air and snapped his fingers, making it vanish to only god knows where.

Discord hummed "Hey, when are you going to make breakfast?"

"Me? You must be crazy. I'm not cooking for any of you psychopaths, in fact me and you need a little talk, Discord, because I know you brought all these shitheads to my house. I was fine with you despite your stale taste of humor, Nightmare spoon--"

"Moon." He coughed.

"Whatever, Nightmare is quiet and I honestly don't care if she wants to stay but you, little hitler back there and queen bee need to hit the road back to your land of colorful talking horses." I pointed a thumb towards the area my front door was at, indicating I really wanted them out.

Discord levitated himself in the air and crossed his legs, "Come on pal--"

I pointed my finger at him "And stop calling me your friend because we are not friends!"

I huffed a strand of my hair out of my face and walked to my kitchen, brewing myself some coffee as I heard Discords odd steps -- claw tapping and a hoof stomping on wood.

Discord frowned, leaning against the wall "Those three don't have anywhere to go, Night was lucky enough to come along--she's a figment of Princess Luna."

I caught a glance of the tall weird looking creature and looked away, pouring myself a mug of hot coffee, taking a sip I placed it on the counter and faced him "Not my problem. You still didn't even explain to me who the fuck these horses are! I only know names and slight background profiles, I only know Sombras name, Chrysalis's name and Nightmare Moons name and I only know your name too. I need descriptions, Discord."

Discord stared at me, rolling his eyes, "You can barely even remember moons name."

I shot a glare at him, making him flinch in return "I don't care! The point is you need to explain to me why all of you want revenge on the so called mane 6."

"I don't want anything to do with revenge, silly child, I'm simply helping." He corrected.

Using my best 'really' face I formed it on my expression, placing my elbow on the counter and tapped my fingers on the cold marble, "Then explain to me why the others want revenge, yes? All I know is that Sombra is a little tyrant--a king."

Discord crossed his arms and flicked his forked tongue out in annoyance, "Well, King Sombra killed over 1,000 slaves while ruling the crystal empire, something about crystals and him enjoying the attention and power, he was blasted into the frozen north by the crystal heart and presumed dead. Nightmare moon was the jealous part of her host, Luna, she tried to cast Equestria under eternal night forever and would banish her sister blah blah blah villain stuff, Chrysalis is weird and wants revenge on the changling king along with those who foiled her plan, the elements of harmony aka the mane six. She feasts off of love."

"And you?" I asked, leaning off of my elbow after feeling it ache.

"Why, I thought you'd never ask! I'm Discord, god of chaos." He chuckled, uncrossing his arms and releasing his annoyed expression.

I still wasn't picking onto this whole ordeal, I was pulled in by talking horses and a weird creature I still wasn't even sure what he was. My temples hurt after even being explained why I'm hiding them and questioning myself how they even got here.

Quietly, I sighed, running my hand through my hair "How did you even get here from another world?"

He yawned, tapping his mouth with his paw, "You have so many questions, don't you? Well, I am the god of chaos and I was accompanied with them. King Sombra was informed by the queen and was requested to come along to boost the amount of potential threat to all of equestria, Sombra was a little brain damaged from the blast but he's catching on."

He paused, waiting for my thoughts but I only nodded to make him continue explaining, despite making my head throb with confusion I allowed it to seep in.

"It took time to get everypony into the portal to Earth, I believe you little humans call it. It was the safest place for them to go and talk about their schemes and what not, the queen lived with Sombra after the defeat and from what she told me she absolutely wanted to die. Either way, we took the portal and we found a lovely human named Jacob and after three months, here we are!" He brightly chirped.

I tilted my head, "Chrysalis mentioned something about you having friends and being reformed by some other horse she guessed, what about that? Aren't they worrying about you?"

He waved his claw in the air and made a raspberry with his tongue (how is that possible with a forked tongue? I don't know) he stiffened his posture and smiled "I placed a replica of me, a discord doing discord things. Just because I'm so called reformed doesn't mean there can't be a little chaos spread here and there..."