Dead On Arrival

by naturalbornderpy

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Tirek, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 2483

A day following his horrific attack on both Canterlot and Ponyville, Tirek returns to lay claim on what remains. Because they're all dead, right? Like, seriously, there's no way they could've survived that, right?

A day following his horrific attack on both Canterlot and Ponyville, Tirek returns to lay claim on what remains. Including the dead.

Because they're all dead, right? Like, seriously, there's no way they could've survived that, right?

Right?

Published 2017-03-30 20:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-03-30 20:40:01 UTC

I Spike

Tirek stomped along Canterlot’s many streets, careful not to crush or ruin too many buildings passing below him. The entire city was deathly quiet; not a lone pony for miles around.

That simple fact tickled Tirek tremendously. So much so, he almost felt the urge to tap-dance on the spot. Then he remembered how he was currently four stories tall and as wide as a marketplace. He wisely decided against the impromptu dance.

“And to think,” he muttered to himself, “that I used to drain ponies of all their magic just to get strong, when all along the greatest magic of all was deep inside me. If only I’d believed in myself more. Those motivational posters were right all along.”

As he came to a halt before Celestia’s vacant castle, he laughed.

Loud. Booming. A guttural laugh that echoed throughout the land.

“Victory is mine!” Tirek wailed. “My enemies have retreated!”

“Not all of them!” a far too familiar voice replied.

Tirek searched for the voice. He bared his teeth and growled.

“Princess Twilight Sparkle,” he spat. “So we meet again. How fitting that you would be the only one left.”

On the castle’s top most balcony stood Twilight Sparkle, her mane elegantly blowing in the wind’s gentle breeze. She held a faint smirk on her lips.

Tirek held a smirk all his own, going on to bend his upper-half in order to be on the same level as Twilight. “So I take it you were not in Ponyville or Canterlot when my magic sucking spell went off?”

Twilight shook her head. “No. I was in Somewhere Over There.” She pointed in some miscellaneous direction.

Tirek nodded. “I’ve always wanted to visit Somewhere Over There, yet have always had trouble finding the exact spot. But pleasantries aside, Twilight, what is it you expect to accomplish here today? Another one on one clash to the death? Two weeks ago, I told Ponyville as well as all of Canterlot to either surrender or evacuate. If they refused to leave, then my spell would suck the very life out of them.”

He slowly turned his head from side to side, mockingly.

“And now the only one standing before me is you. Do you really think that you can stop me? Without all that extra Princess magic at your disposal?”

Twilight narrowed her eyes. “But who says that I’m alone?”

That was when the doors behind Twilight exploded outward and a white glow blinded Tirek. He saw a dark silhouette against the light and gasped.

“No!” he screamed. “It can’t be! It just can’t! My spell would’ve killed you! It had to!”

Then the blinding light finally faded and the figure spoke.

“Hi! I’m Celestia! And I’m a royal Princess that’s super powerful and stuff!”

And just like that, Tirek’s momentarily fear disappeared. He took a moment to try and grasp exactly what he was seeing. Because it looked an awful lot like—

“Is that Celestia’s corpse held up on strings?” he asked Twilight timidly.

Twilight raised a curious brow. “What? No, that’s… that’s just silly, Tirek. I wouldn’t do something as crazy as that. Your spell just didn’t work as well as you thought it would. Celestia’s fine. Isn’t that right, Celestia?”

Twilight covered her mouth with a hoof as she turned to Celestia.

The floating strings holding Celestia’s head vigorously shook her from side to side. Again, she spoke. Again, she sounded just like Twilight but a tad more falsetto.

“I am good!” Celestia squawked to Tirek. “I had tea and scones for breakfast! They were tasty! Now to defend Equestria once more!”

The floating Celestia awkwardly reached for a nearby spear on the balcony. It took close to three minutes before she finally managed to pick it up and clutch it to her chest.

A bead of sweat trickled down Tirek’s head. Not out of nervousness, though.

Awkwardness.

He lowered his voice. “Twilight, can I, uhh… talk to you for a moment. Not as foes, but… just between two creatures trying to make it in Equestria.”

“I guess so,” Twilight replied, stepping away from the Celestia on strings and to the other side of the balcony. “What’s up?”

“Listen… umm…” Tirek gulped dryly. “Clearly, Celestia is dead. Like very dead. It’s clear she didn’t leave the city like I asked and was killed by my spell. So I’m really not so sure what’s going on in that purple head of yours, but Celestia is most definitely dead. There’s no fooling anyone on that. I wasn’t born yesterday, miss Sparkle. Having said that, I do respect the recently deceased, so parading her around on strings like you’re doing is just plain wrong. I don’t know if this is some defense mechanism or—” He stopped himself. “You know what? You probably shouldn’t be touching that thing, either. A lot of germs on dead things.”

Twilight exhaled hotly. “Are you still going on about that? Celestia is perfectly fine! Isn’t that right, Luna?”

Tirek pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers. “Oh, please don’t do this.”

“Hi, I’m Luna! And I also had tea and scones for breakfast! They were also good! Is there a silly someone out here that actually thinks my sister is dead?”

The newly arrived Luna stood next to her sister. Or perhaps dangled was more apropos.

Tirek growled again, pointing a finger down at Twilight. “Luna sounds just like you! They both sound just like you! It’s clear my spell wiped out everyone! So accept it and move on, Twilight! Stop pretending they’re still alive and admit defeat!”

“Did someone say ‘defeat’?” Luna asked while not opening her mouth a single time. Or even opening her eyes. “Not on my watch!”

She then took the next six minutes to clumsily slap on her numerous bits of armor.

“I don’t have time for such foolishness!” Tirek roared, stepping backward onto the courtyard’s water fountain. “I gave you all two weeks to make a decision! Surrender or leave! Easy choices! Plus: two whole weeks! You know how many books I read in that time? Three! Fat books, too! Including the third entry into the Hairy Plotter series—Hairy Plotter and the Mystery of the Perfectly Fitting Pants.”

Twilight smiled at him goofily. “I read that one, too.”

Tirek ranted on. “I mean… come on, guys! Granny Smith could’ve broken all of her hips and still made it out of Ponyville in that amount of time. Heck! I even offered to help you ponies move! You know how many fridges I could’ve taken at once? I’m huge! Like eight! Fully stocked! With a bunk bed balanced on each bicep!”

“I still don’t know what you’re going on about, Tirek,” Twilight told him sternly. “Or are you only nervous about your upcoming defeat?”

Tirek’s shoulders slumped; his massive hands slapped against the ground. “Of course I’m not nervous, Twilight. At the moment, you’re swinging dead Princesses around on strings. That’s just… gross, Twilight. Gross and so very, very wrong.”

Twilight snickered. Beside her, Celestia dropped her spear while Luna continued battling with her armor. “You only think you have the upper hand because my friends aren’t here to support me. That’s it, isn’t it? Well, joke’s on you, Tirek! They’re right over there!”

“Twilight… please, just don’t. Just stop. Stop before you do something—”

Down on the castle’s immense lawn, a large tarp was pulled upward and tossed aside.

“Hi, I’m Fluttershy!”

“And I’m Rainbow Dash!”

“And I’m Rarity!”

“Don’t you go forgetting about Applejack now! Because that’s me! I’m Applejack!”

“And I’m Pinkie Pie! I sure am pink, but totally not pie!”

“I Spike!”

Tirek sank to his knees, ripping out two large batches of hair off his head.

“STOP! INTRODUCING! EACH! NEW! CHARACTER! I know who they are, damn it! We’ve all met before!”

What lay underneath the tarp was indeed a terrifying sight; all five remaining members of the Elements of Harmony along with Twilight’s baby-dragon-butler Spike, literally glued in place on a set of wooden bleachers.

On several of their hooves were giant foam fingers exclaiming that, in fact, “TWILIGHT ROCKS!” Alongside them was an old record player, continuously looping the gentle sounds of polite clapping followed by a near inaudible “Yay!”

Tirek gagged once he caught sight of all the flies hovering around them.

Again, Tirek pulled Twilight aside so it was just the two of them speaking; although, technically, it always had been just the two of them speaking.

“Listen, Twilight,” Tirek began softly. “I will get you the help you need. Whatever therapist you need to see, I will make sure you get to see them. Okay? I know suddenly losing all of your mentors and friends in one quick swoop might’ve scrambled your brains a bit, but playing with dead bodies is not the way to go about it. You need to respect the dead, Twilight. You must realize that what you’re doing is wrong. I mean, hey! I’m not one to talk having killed everyone here, but I’m still not the one screwing around with corpses, you know?”

“Hey! Whatcha two talking about up there?” Applejack called from below.

“I’m not talking to you, Applejack! I’m talking with Twilight!” Tirek soon caught himself. “Never mind! You’re dead! You’re all dead! So stop bothering me!”

Twilight frowned. “Now why would you say that? My friends and the Princesses are just dandy. Here. Look. If it’ll make you feel any better, I’ll drink this whole glass of water right in front of you while Rainbow Dash does a monologue. Sound good?”

Before Twilight could even raise the glass to her lips, Tirek angrily flicked it away with a finger.

“Get a hold of yourself, Twilight! My god! I can’t believe I was once defeated by you!”

Twilight’s innocent expression flipped into a sinister sneer. Her eyes darted above Tirek’s head. “Discord! Now’s your chance! Show ‘em no mercy!”

Tirek’s pupils shrunk. He quivered out a breath. So it had been a trap all along.

Tirek closed his eyes as he waited to get blasted with who-knows-what from up above.

Instead of anything even close to that, something rather long and flat collided with his back, creating a grotesquely sick slapping sound.

“Hi! I’m Discord! And I’m coo coo for chaos!”

It was Discord. Who at the moment sounded an awful lot like Twilight.

Tirek stared at Twilight deadpan. “Did you just drop Discord’s cold corpse onto my back?”

Before Twilight could properly respond, Tirek did exactly what needed to be done. Namely, shriek and gallop across the lawn until Discord’s body flew away from him.

“Stop dropping corpses on me, Twilight!” Tirek screamed. “That’s not Discord! He’s dead! Along with everyone else in Ponyville and Canterlot! Get that through your head already!”

Absently, Twilight waved a hoof. “But of course that’s Discord, Tirek. Who else would know his trademark catchphrase?”

“Coo coo for chaos?” Tirek asked angrily. “That’s just terrible. The real Discord would never use something so stupid!”

Meanwhile, the completely limp and unmoving Discord sprawled out on the ground disagreed. “Hi, I’m Discord, remember? Chaos! It’s what for dinner!”

Tirek rolled his eyes. “That one sucked just as much as the first one!”

“Chaos! Just do it.”

“Shut up, Discord! I know you’re just a corpse!”

“Chaos! I’m loving it.”

Sluggishly, the strings around Discord’s torso yanked him up to a rough standing position. To Tirek’s momentary confusion, Discord somehow stood upright without hardly wavering an inch.

“How is he able to stand like that?” Tirek asked Twilight, accusatory. “What did you do to him? I know he’s dead, so—”

One look around Discord’s back was all it took. Again, Tirek gagged.

“You put a stick up his butt to make him stand up straight!?”

Tirek took three deep breaths while counting to ten inside his head.

“I am not the monster here, Twilight! Oh, no. Not with behavior such as this! Playing with dead ponies is one thing, but this? I don’t even know who you are anymore. I may not have respected Discord before; I may have even hated Discord. But I still know he deserved better than this. Better than being dead with a stick up his butt! What’s next? A stream of hot air so he’ll inflate and wiggle around for your enjoyment?”

Twilight tapped on her chin. “You know, that’s not a bad idea…”

Tirek shook a fist Twilight’s way. “This ends now, Princess!”

“Right you are!” Twilight replied. “But first! Before we battle…” She turned to Luna beside her, eyes glittering and lips puckered. “A quick kiss to my marefriend.”

Now Tirek more than gagged.

Quickly, he whirled away from the castle, along with all the motionless bodies surrounding it. “That’s it… I’m gonna vomit… I can feel it coming… and I haven’t vomited in centuries, so this is gonna suck… I need to find a lake or something… I’m so huge right now…”

He called back over his shoulder as he tried not to heave.

“Fine! Keep it! Keep your city of the dead, you crazy mare! I’ll take over Appaloosa instead! Just when I thought that they were the backwards ones!”

And so Tirek stormed off to do just that. Becoming the best Mayor the place ever had.

And the very moment the coast was clear, every stock-still pony in both Ponyville and Canterlot sprang back to life as if they hadn’t been dead at all.

Up on the balcony, Twilight turned to Luna, now moving freely on her own. “Great plan, Princess; pretend to be dead until he gets too grossed out and leaves. But how did you know everyone would be able to dodge Tirek’s massive power sucking spell when he used it in the first place?”

Luna smiled daintily. “Simple. All I had to do was teach everyone an ancient technique passed down from alicorn to alicorn. It can survive next to any attack. All one must do is dodge, duck, dip, dive… and then dodge once again.” She paused. “It’s the second dodge that always throws attackers off.”

Twilight nodded, before directing her attention toward Discord, coming to on the castle lawn. “You need help getting that giant stick out your butt?”

Discord thought on that. “You know what? I think I’m good.”

Twilight winced. “You mean you actually like having wood up your butt?”

Discord smirked. “We’re learning a lot about each other today, aren’t we?”

And so, from that day forth, Discord never performed chaos magic again.

Or had all that much fun, really.

Due to the large stick up his butt.

Author's Note

This is one of two terrible ideas that came to mind very early in the morning at work. Let's see if the other one ever sees the light of day. (Also because there's been a few corpse-filled stories floating around the site lately.)