An [Il]legitimate Business Booklet
Author's Note
As the description to this story said: this was written months ago and is a far cry from what my writing is now (make of that what you will). I had contemplated rewriting this, but since I've been working on other stories, and it's April Fools Day, I figure it's best to just put it out so you can all laugh at what it looks like when I try way too hard to be funny. So, enjoy! 
It's Just Business
On a warm, summer morning in rural area of Chicacolt, a beige coated unicorn stallion with a scroll cutie mark sat behind a desk in his condominium. “Okay, time for another day of work,” he said into the empty room. “Let's see here.” He looked over a few business cards before one caught his attention. “Ah, Wilhelm's Vocal Lessons. You're today's lucky winner.”
The stallion opened his desk drawer and rummaged through it for a bit before he slammed it shut. “Where's my booklet!?” he yelled while bashing a hoof onto his desk. “Baxter! Where did you put my damn booklet!” The stallion looked around his lavishly decorated office before he realized something. “Wait, didn't I fire Baxter?”
~~~
Baxter crawled to the corner of a kitchen, his face bloodied and his entire body bruised. “Please, Ivan,” he begged. “I didn't know that you didn't want me to not move your trophy case to the left side of your office!”
Ivan slammed a third place trophy down onto the olive coated unicorn's head. “Nopony touches my stuff!” he yelled as he threw the trophy onto the butler's body. “Except for my mother… maybe!” He let out several deep breaths. “Now, clean up this mess Baxter!” he said. He then left the kitchen.
~~~
“Ah, balls,” Ivan grumbled as he hopped out of the chair and left his office. He peered down the hallway, into the kitchen and grimaced. “I wonder if I can still call in a favor from the local rat dealer,” He mused.
He let out a sigh and walked back into his office. “Fine, time for me to go do some detective work.” He levitated a pen and some paper over to himself and trotted back to his seat. He hopped onto it and tapped his chin. “Now who would want to steal a legitimate businesspony’s booklet?” he wondered aloud. “Maybe that one pegasus mare that always tells me to have a good day! Or, that earth pony colt who keeps asking how my day’s been going!”
Ivan jotted down the two suspects and went back to tapping his chin. “Hmm… maybe Busy Ness took it. He did say he'd run me out of town.” He wrote down the name and looked at the three suspects. “Okay you three, you are my best bets,” Ivan said to nopony in particular as he stood up and trotted out of the room. “No better time to get ready for a day of retrieving my stuff than now!”
He trotted down a long hallway and into his bedroom. “Alright, let's see.” He opened a closet to peer inside, “Ah! Here it is.” He levitated out a brown saddlebag and placed it on the single bed in the room. “Hrm… you and you!” Ivan levitated a mallet onto his bed and placed the heavy object into his saddlebag. He then levitated over his wallet and placed it into the saddlebag before wrapping it around himself. “Perfect.” With that he walked to the front door and left his home.
Ivan locked the door and scanned his surroundings until he spotted the colt—whose coat matched the clear blue sky—on a front lawn across the street while he tended to a garden. He trotted over and yelled, “Hey, bud!”
The colt jumped and turned his head. “O-oh, hey!” the colt said as he stood up and forced a smile, “What's up, mister Ivan?”
“I, uh, wanted to know if you'd broken into my home and stolen my booklet,” Ivan said. “I have reason to suspect that you are the thief.”
The colt tilted his head. “Um… what?”
Ivan narrowed his gaze. “You deaf, kid?” he asked. “I asked-” he pressed his muzzle up against the colts- “if you'd broken into my house!”
The colt backed away nervously. “I think you've finally lost it, mister Ivan.”
Ivan backhoofed the colt. “Damn it, kid, I swear if you tattletale on me, I will make you sleep with my goldfish!” he growled. “And my basement’s losing space really fast!”
The colt got up and ran into his house as he screamed, “Mommy!”
Ivan rolled his eyes. “Whatever. I'll check back on him later,” he said while turning around. “Okay, that mare's house should be on the next block.”
After a few minutes of walking, Ivan arrived outside a crystal colored house. “Bleh, it's as much of an eyesore as ever,” he said to himself. Deciding to get it over with, he walked up to the front door and knocked on it.
A ruby-coated pegasus mare answered the door and nervously smiled. “Oh, hello Ivan,” she said hesitantly. “H-how wonderful of you to visit!”
“Yes, I'm absolutely thrilled to be here,” Ivan grumbled. “Listen, I have very good reason to believe you've stolen something from me, and I'd like to know if you're in possession of it.”
The mare's eyes widened. “Well, I can assure you, I'd never steal from you—or anypony for that matter,’ she said. “I do hope you find your booklet. I can't imagine how much frustration it's causing you!”
Ivan raised an eyebrow. “I never said it was causing me frustration,” he said as his gaze narrowed. “Are you hiding something?”
“Um… no?” the mare answered, an uneasy look on her face. “I just figured that you must be frustrated, what with your line of work requiring a lot of data keeping.”
“So many assumptions,” Ivan said. “You wouldn't mind if I took a look around your house to see if you're hiding it, would you?”
The mare's worried expression faded a bit. She rolled her eyes and said, “Ivan, you don't have a search warrant.”
“I don't need one!” Ivan yelled. “Now, let me search your-”
The mare slammed the door in Ivan's face.
“Well screw you too!” Ivan yelled as he stormed down to the sidewalk. “Fine, I'll go see if Busy Ness has it. That good for nothing stallion has to have it! Now, where would he be at this time of day?”
Ivan tapped his chin. “Maybe he's at home,” he said to himself as he began to walk towards Busy's home. “And is probably drinking.”
A short while later, Ivan arrived outside a rundown looking house.
“Oh, the memories I have here,” Ivan said as he looked at the house. “So many fights, broken bones, and shards of glass in my body.” He walked up to it and looked inside to see a green coated earth pony with a sack of bits for a cutie mark drinking on a couch.
He walked up to the front door and knocked on it.
“Yeah?” the earth pony asked.
“Busy Ness?”
Busy looked down and rolled his eyes. “Oh, it's only you,” he said. “Thought you were somepony important. What in Celestia's name do you want, Ivan?”
Ivan walked inside and shut the door before he hopped onto a chair and glared angrily at him. “You stole my booklet!” he snapped. “And if you don't give it back in the next ten seconds, I'm going to shatter your knees!”
Busy blinked before he burst out into laughter. “Get out of here, you moron,” he said. “Or I'll actually fulfill that promise and break your knees—and your neck.”
Ivan rolled his eyes. “Fine, be that way,” he said. “But, if you didn't take my booklet, then who did?”
“I dunno,” Busy answered. “Did you eat it?”
“Busy, this is serious,” Ivan insisted.
“Yeah, and I don't care,” Busy replied. “Now, please, leave before I take that saddlebag and leave it outside a coroner's office with you in it.”
Ivan slammed a hoof onto the coffee table in front of him. “Busy, I swear to Celestia, I'm going to-”
Busy walked over and backhoofed Ivan, which caused him to fall off of the chair. “Good for you, Ivan.”
Ivan stood up and shook his head. He glared angrily at Busy for a few seconds before he enveloped Busy in his magic and slammed his face onto the table, which caused his drink's glass to shatter. “Now, I'll ask one more damn time,” he snarled as he yanked Busy out of his chair and over to himself. During this time the hapless earth pony screamed while his forehead bled. “My booklet. Where is it!?”
“I don't have it you moron!” Busy cried. “Even if I did, i sure as hell wouldn’t leave your murderous ass alive!”
Ivan looked down at the bleeding earth pony. “Okay, that's a great story, but seriously: where's my booklet?” he asked. “If you don't tell me now, there's going to be a very painful, but very fun, consequence.”
“I told you, Ivan! I don't have it!”
Ivan's right eye twitched. “Alright then,” he said. “I'll do this the fun way.” He threw Busy to the side and teleported to his kitchen and grabbed a saltshaker before teleporting back. “Now, I'll ask again,” he said as he took off the top before he threw some at Busy's wounds.
Busy let out a scream of agony. “I don't have it you sick bastard!”
“Busy, my evidence of assumption is irrefutable!” Ivan yelled over the screams. “Now tell me where my booklet is, or I'll rub that salt into your wounds!”
“Waldon Suavehoof!” Busy cried. “I swear, that's who I gave it to! He's at the bar we always visited when we worked together!”
Ivan smiled and placed the saltshaker on a nearby table. “Darn, I was hoping I'd get to yank an eye out,” he said. “I appreciate your cooperation, though. However, I have two parting gifts.” Ivan levitated a nearby plate over and slammed it against Busy’s head. “That's for lying.” Ivan levitated out his wallet and threw two bits at Busy's unconscious body. “And that's your gift!” With that, Ivan left Busy's house.
And immediately realized something.
“Shit, I have no idea what this stallion looks like,” he said to himself. “I just hope I don't get kicked out again. I've used almost every furdye color possible.”
Ivan walked up to a building with a sign that read Shattered’s Unsavory Bar and Grill.
“Alright, time to do this the old fashioned way.” He walked through the front door and yelled, “I’m looking for somepony named ‘Waldon Suavehoof’! If that's your name, please come to me, I’ve got money for you!”
To Ivan's dismay, however, nopony paid attention, and continued to eat.
With a sigh. Ivan walked up to the bar counter and took a seat. “Hey, bud,” he said to the bartender. “You know-”
“Waldon’s sitting next to you, Ivan,” the bartender said, a frown on his face. “Now, kindly get out of this restaurant. You're as welcome here as I am at my ex-wife's house.”
Ivan rolled his eyes. He looked to his right and saw a yellow coated earth pony stallion with a tuxedo for a cutie mark. “Waldon?”
“That's me!” Waldon said. “Who might you be?”
“You know a pony named Busy Ness?”
“Never heard of him,” Waldon answered.
Ivan facehoofed. “He told me that he gave you my booklet of business associates!”
“Yeah, and I don't have that,” Waldon replied with a frown. “Now, lemme drink in peace.”
Ivan grit his teeth. Oh, this is going to be a long day… He took a deep breath and asked, “Would you mind if I talked to you outside? Maybe some fresh air would help us communicate better.”
Waldon finished his drink before saying, “Fine.”
“Wonderful,” Ivan said. The two stallions walked outside and, without waiting a second, Ivan threw a quick punch to Waldon, which resulted in a sickening crunch.
Waldon staggered back into an alley. “What the hell, man!?”
Ivan stormed up to Waldon and grabbed his mane with his magic. “Here’s how this is going to work: I ask a question, you answer it. Got it?”
Walden whimpered and nodded.
“Okay, terrific,” Ivan said. “Where's my booklet?”
“I don't have it!”
Ivan threw Waldon against the wall. He dropped his saddlebag and took out his mallet. “Wrong answer, you idiot!” He slammed the mallet down onto Waldon's right hind leg. “Fine, if you don't have it, who does?”
Waldon sniffled and whimpered as he looked at his broken leg. “They said they'd kill me if I told anypony about them,” he said. “Just… let me go.”
“If you don't tell me who you gave it to, I'll do far worse than they can ever do,” Ivan said. “Now, for the third damn time, Waldon,” he growled before he kicked him in the stomach. “Who's the bozo you gave my booklet to!?”
“Ivan, if I tell you, they'll kill both of us,” the colt said with a whimper before he coughed up blood. "I doubt you can-”
Ivan placed a hoof up against Waldon's mouth and hushed him. “Waldon, I'm going to say this one last fucking time!” Ivan levitated over a mallet and rested it on the stallion’s head. “Tell me who it was or I swear to Celestia that I'll make your head look like mashed potatoes!”
Waldon looked up at Ivan, who slowly raised the mallet above his head. “Devon! That's all I know! I swear on my life!”
Ivan brought his mallet back down. “Alright, I'll let you live,” he said as he put the weapon away. “Just know that if I find out you're lying, I'm going to far worse than turn your head into mashed potatoes.” With that, he walked away—ignoring the groans of pain from behind him—and re-entered the diner.
Ivan cleared his throat. “Hello again, everypony!” he proclaimed as he walked up to the counter. “I’ve been told by a one ‘Waldon Suavehoof’ that a stallion named ‘Devon’ has a booklet that belongs to me!”
“Hey, asshole,” a unicorn stallion with a cyan coat growled. “Do you have to yell in my ear?”
Ivan turned to his left. “Oh, guess I should've known he'd be with the-”
“Can it, dickweed,” Devon said. “If you want your booklet, I left it back at my hotel room.”
Ivan raised an eyebrow. “Why are you so willing to give it back to me?”
“Because I have no desire to be caught in the middle of some sociopath’s criminal activities,” Devon said. “Besides, that Waldon dipstick threatened to kill my wife if I didn't take that book.” He turned to face Ivan and smirked. “I'm going to guess that you left him outside for me?”
Ivan nodded. “Broken leg, in the alley, and whimpering like a foal who stubbed his hoof.”
“Perfect,” Devon said before he took a gulp of his drink. “I'll teach him to threaten my loved ones.”
“Just one quick question,” Ivan said. “Where are you staying, and what room?”
“That crap hotel up the block, and room six eighty-four,” Devon replied. “Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go teach a foal a lesson about manners.”
Ivan chuckled as he and Devon left. “Have fun,” Ivan walked up the block, while the sound of screaming filled the air. Reminds me of my foalhood, he thought. Mom and dad were the best.
A short while later, Ivan arrived outside a cheap, rundown hotel. “Ah, paradise if I've ever seen it,” he said to himself. “I wonder if that old stallion I always talked to still works here.” He walked inside and smiled as an earth pony put down a newspaper.
“Ah, good evening, Ivan,” the maroon coloured stallion from behind the front desk said with a smarmy grin. “How’s your day going?”
Ivan looked at the stallion. “Eh, the usual,” he replied. “Yourself?”
“Oh, you know,” the stallion replied. “Nothing too spectacular. I've been fine.”
Ivan chuckled. “Say, do you have the key for room six eighty-four? The pony there has something that belongs to me.”
The stallion grabbed a key from a cupboard behind him and threw it to Ivan. “I'm guessing it's that booklet of yours?”
“Shut it.”
“You should really stop losing that thing.”
“Damn it, I told you to shut it!”
“Not until-”
“Do you want to die?” Ivan interrupted.
“I’m eighty years old,” the stallion deadpanned. “I don't give a shit.”
Ivan rolled his eyes. “You haven't changed a bit, have you?”
“That I have not,” the stallion replied. “Now then, go get that booklet of yours, or I'll… uh…”
Ivan let out a hearty laugh before he called for an elevator. “Don't think too hard,” he said ad the elevator doors opened. He entered it and said, “You’re probably the one true friend I've had—and I don't even know your name.” With that, the doors closed, and the elevator ascended to the sixth floor.
Ivan whistled a nameless tune until the doors opened up. “Well, at least it's slightly less depressing than my foalhood home,” he said as he walked to Devon’s room. Upon reaching it, he unlocked the door and entered.
The room itself contained a bed, a nightstand, and several passports. “Okay, where's my booklet?” he wondered aloud as he searched through the pile of booklets. After several seconds of searching, he finally found it. “Ah-hah! My glorious booklet!” Ivan cheered. He levitated it up and hugged it. “And it’s… sticky… how wonderful.”
Ivan placed the booklet in his saddlebag and left the room, locking it behind him. “Okay, now to go back home and start up my day of work,” he said while entering the elevator. He hit the button for the first floor. However, midway through it going down, the elevator made a screeching sound.
Then it stopped.
Ivan let out a heavy sigh and sat on the floor. “I hate everything.”
