Her Royal Morning Coffee

by Georg

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, Main 6, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 81508

Twilight has a secret coltfriend that nobody knows about. Not even her. And he’s not too sure either. Then Luna gets involved, and it only gets weirder.

Twilight has a secret coltfriend who nobody knows about.  Not even her.

And he’s not too sure either.

Then Luna gets involved, and it only gets weirder.

Editors: Tek, Mitch H, Airy Words
Cover photo: Getty images

Published 2018-01-22 18:10:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-02-08 12:40:16 UTC

2. Awaken The Senses

Her Royal Morning Coffee
Awaken The Senses

By the time Dry Roast convinced himself that the events of the morning would blow over, they came back to bite him with a vengeance. The noon rush was tapering off, the two part-time employees he had hired to cover customers during the busy times had clocked out, and he was just starting to get the shop cleaned up for closing while the last few customers chatted out in the main room.

Then Rarity walked through the door. And she brought her friend.

Dry Roast had never really seen Princess Twilight Sparkle in the daylight. With her mane combed out and her eyes actually open, she was far more beautiful than he was used to. Those pale, entrancing eyes were nearly the shade of her soft coat, and the sight made his own tired mind tie itself up in knots while the two young mares walked to his counter to place their orders.

“One small mocha light frappuccino with one pump mocha, and one shot.” Dry cleared his dry throat and looked at Princess Twilight Sparkle. “And for you, Ma’am?”

“Just a coffee,” said Twilight, looking over his head at the price board. “And a cherry pastry.”

“All out of cherry.” Dry Roast bit his bottom lip in order to avoid adding any additional commentary.

Twilight Sparkle shrugged. “Just the coffee, then.”

He managed to get their orders completed and delivered without spilling too much over the machinery, and maintained his somewhat wobbly stance behind the counter while Rarity and Twilight Sparkle took a seat in a nearby booth, which gave them both a good view of him and vice versa. It was most certainly not a coincidence that the two mares had taken that specific booth, because Rarity had nearly body-checked her friend into the seat.

Then… nothing.

The two of them sat and drank their coffee between light conversation, with Princess Twilight Sparkle looking a little bored and irritated, while Rarity was maintaining the expression of a young colt who has lit the fuse on a particularly large firework and seen the fizzing section vanish inside, only to have nothing happen.

And after about a half-hour, the two mares left while Dry Roast heaved a giant sigh of relief.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

“Hello, Applejack. Just finishing up for the day, I see.” Dry Roast strolled over to the apple cart and poked his nose into the nearly empty storage compartment. “Mind if I clean out your inventory?”

“Feel free.” Applejack nosed over an empty paper sack before returning to her task of getting the cart ready to return to the farm. “So?”

“So what?” Dry Roast dropped the last few apples into the bag and cast a curious look at Applejack, who was wearing much the same anticipatory expression he had seen on Rarity just a short time ago.

“So what did Twilight say when she came over to the shop this afternoon?”

Dry Roast shrugged. “Nothing, really. She ordered a coffee.”

“Ah knew it! Rarity had this durned fool idea that Twilight was having some sort of sneaky love affair with you. Plum near talked my ear off about it.” Applejack took off her hat and swatted it against her foreleg to knock some of the dust off it. “Sorry about them apples being a little small and wrinkled. They got picked over something fierce today, so how’s about two bits for the lot?”

“Sounds good.” Dry Roast floated two bits over to Applejack’s cashbox, but before he could get away, the farmer coughed once into a hoof.

“So… What did you think of her?”

“Rarity?” Dry Roast shifted uncomfortably. “She’s nice, I suppose.”

“No, I mean Twilight.” Applejack moved a little closer and fixed him with a penetrating stare. “Princess Twilight.”

“She’s fine!” Now it was Dry Roast’s turn to cough into a hoof. “She’s fine. I mean she’s okay. We didn’t talk much. She’s pretty quiet.”

Applejack’s expression turned skeptical. “You know, ah’ve heard Twilight called a lot of things, but quiet ain’t one of them.”

“Well, normally she kinda-sorta mutters into the floor, but I’ve gotten pretty good at—” Dry Roast stopped talking when Applejack’s eyes lit up.

“So you have talked to her before? Even though you done told us you didn’t.”

Dry glanced around the closing marketplace and hefted his purchase. “Well, I gotta go, Applejack. It’s been good talking to… Bye.”

It was a fairly short walk back to his small house, and Dry Roast’s lanky form and brisk stride made that distance pass at a rapid rate. A quick glance around while unlocking the door showed no pursuit, which was both good and expected, because Applejack was a very logical pony, and chasing him through town with an apple cart behind her was not a very… Applejacky thing to do.

Pinkie Pie, yes.

After closing the door behind him, Dry Roast took a deep breath and relaxed. The comfortable house he shared with his little brother Rain Check was an island of safety in a world filled with dangerous things, one of whom… actually five of whom would have an unusual amount of curiosity about Princess Twilight Sparkle and whatever stallion was touching her on the lips.

He had briefly considered the consequences the first time the beautiful unicorn caught him in a coffee-fueled lip lock over a year ago, but had put the idea behind him as a fluke. About the fifth time, he had entertained the polite fantasy that perhaps the purple powerhouse was merely faking her sleep, and the kisses were some sort of experiment. Around the time he had lost track of the number of nocturnal no-nooky visits, Dry had decided to simply go with the flow and enjoy it.

Then Twilight Sparkle became Princess Twilight Sparkle, and the kisses had taken on a certain… intensity.

The first night his establishment had been graced by Her Highness, the Purple Princess of Powerful Puckering, Dry Roast… well, could not remember most of the next several days. Repetition and a strict exercise regime at Bulk Biceps’ Gym had increased his stamina to the point where he almost never collapsed on the floor anymore, and the meditation exercises had helped keep his brain from burning out afterward. His lanky form had filled out with unexpected muscle and other young fillies in town had started to notice his flanks, so the health benefits were multi-purpose, but when Tirek returned, even all of his new muscles could not keep him from a chipped tooth.

Twilight before dawn seven nights in a row after that did not help. By the time Princess Twilight Sparkle had gotten a new coffee maker in her new castle (paid for by thankful townsfolk including Dry), he was about ready to have a nervous breakdown, but thankfully, the next dawn had broken without a Twilight, and his rather odd erratic routine returned.

Until today.

Worrying about it would not help. Dry Roast yawned, feeling vaguely guilty about skipping out on his afternoon cardio and self-defense class at the gym, but excused it under the excuse of mental exercise instead. He checked the book collection in the divided box by the front door, moved the last one he had just finished into the ‘Return to Library’ section, and picked one at random out of his brother’s collection. It was going to be a nice afternoon to read, so after heading upstairs, he settled down in the reclining chair on the balcony next to his telescope and relaxed, even though the book turned out to be a griffon romance. Or maybe a book on combat. It was difficult to tell the subtle differences without counting bodies.

The sun was warm and the day pleasant, with a gentle breeze from the south and the distinct sensation of being watched. He ignored it for a few minutes, then looked over his shoulder to see a familiar colorful pegasus crouched at the end of the balcony, just a short distance away.

“What are you doing?”

Rainbow Dash at least had the good manners to look embarrassed at being caught, but she stammered for a second and replied, “Reading over your shoulder, of course. I love that book.”

He held a hoof over the cover. “So, what am I reading?”

“Uh.” Rainbow Dash’s eyes flickered from side to side. “Daring Do?”

Dry flipped the book over to show the two griffons on the cover locking beaks. “So, what are you really doing, Rainbow?”

“Well…” She took a quick breath. “I was just curious.”

“About?”

“About you and Twilight.” The words came out in a rush and kept coming. “I mean you’re out here by your telescope and Twilight’s over there in the castle with her telescope, and I thought—”

“Telescope?” Dry looked up at the sparkling crystal castle and caught a suspicious glint of light from an upstairs balcony.

“Yeah, she’s been acting all weird since Rarity told us about her illicit love affair with some stallion from a coffee shop, and since you work at the coffee shop, I thought I’d watch you and see if I can spot the guy.” Rainbow floated up a short distance and looked around. “So, do you see him?”

Resisting the urge to plant a hoof against his forehead, Dry replied just as calmly and firmly as he was able. “I am not having an illicit affair with Princess Twilight Sparkle.”

“Oh.” Dry could almost see the unaccustomed idea travel through Rainbow Dash’s head until both of her eyebrows went up. “Oh! So it is you.”

“No!” snapped Dry Roast. “Coffee. She gets coffee. That’s it.”

It was amazing how Dry Roast could fairly see the words bounce off his target. “That’s funny, because when we were all over at her castle earlier, she said she’d never been to your shop before even though she’s got a couple dozen of your empty cups in the kitchen recycling bin.”

“I deliver,” said Dry in a flat deadpan.

“I bet you do.” Rainbow Dash waggled her eyebrows. “So how far have you two gotten? Because Pinkie Pie has a pool going with Lyra, and I’ve got my money on—”

“We haven’t gotten anywhere,” snapped Dry in exasperation. “We’re not going anywhere. Now if you’ll excuse me.” He settled back down in the recliner with his book, waited for at least two pages for Rainbow Dash to become bored and fly off, then looked back up. “Go away.”

To her credit, Rainbow Dash did not look as if she were trying to pull something like she normally did. Instead, she seemed a little concerned, which appeared to be contagious. “Look, we’re just worried about our friend.”

”We?”

“Pinkie and me. After all, Twilight’s always been a little bit of an egghead. Ok, a lot of a bit of an egghead, and we’ve never actually seen her on a date before, so we just want to make sure she’s taken care of properly. You understand, right?”

It did make sense. A little, at least, and Dry could feel his heart rate return to something approaching normal. “Yes, I see why you might be a little upset.”

“Great!” Rainbow Dash settled down on the balcony next to Dry. “So are we talking foal making yet, or just kissing and hugging?”

“No!” A looming sense of dread came over Dry Roast, much like the feeling he would get just moments before the smoke detector would go off and indicate that the oven was acting up again. “You said you told Pinkie Pie.”

“Of course. Twilight is my friend, and Pinkie Pie is my friend, and friends tell each other stuff. Which is why we were a little upset that Twilight didn’t tell us about you, so spill it.”

“Pinkie is everypony’s friend,” snapped Dry Roast. “Who did she tell?”

He raised his head up over the balcony rail and looked down into Ponyville.

For one long heart-stopping moment, every single pony as far as he could see was looking back at him. Some were content to just look, several had brought folding chairs as if they were waiting for the fireworks, and two in particular had staked out the park bench across the street. Then they all suddenly seemed to find something more interesting to look at, even the ones with binoculars.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

Dearest Big Brother Bud.
I need your legal help. I think I’m about to be thrown in prison for sexual assault. Or married. Perhaps both. Not sure. Come at once.
Dry Roast

Author's Note

On binoculars:
Scootaloo: Would you believe Cutie Mark Crusader Bird Watchers?

3. Express(o) Yourself

Her Royal Morning Coffee
Express(o) Yourself

One of the advantages of express pegasus letter delivery was the ability to get a response to a letter back the same day, even if it was not quite the answer Dry Roast was looking for.

Perky,
See you tomorrow mid morning
Bud

Needless to say, his sleep that afternoon was fitful, with the strange sense of being watched, even after he got up in the middle of the night to lock the front door. After all, Rain Check was not due back from training for a day or two, and worst case, his little brother could just fly in through his own bedroom window. It seemed like forever before his alarm went off and his day could start with at least a semblance of normality. Routine relaxed him a tiny bit, and after a quick shower, he took his morning walk across town with a brisk stride.

A brisk walk next to the Everfree Forest took all that warm sense of relaxation away very quickly.

It felt a little as if the watching eyes all belonged to monsters who were deciding just exactly where to have their nighttime picnic, and which haunch of pony they were going to get. At least when Dry Roast got to his coffee shop, the sensation of being on the menu faded into the background, drowned out by the happy sound of the roaster roasting, the water boiling, and the first set of pastries sliding into the oven.

Unfortunately, the sensation was replaced by a much more powerful sense of looming dread, and showed itself by a guilty twitch in the direction of the closed front door with every noise or imagined noise. He could not even open a book or polish the equipment while waiting for the other shoe to drop, and by the time the front door dinged with Applejack’s entry, Dry Roast was a poorly concealed nervous wreck.

Of course, the way she entered the building did not help.

The door only cracked open far enough for the bell to quietly ding before Applejack poked her nose in the narrow opening with her hat held over her eyes as if to prevent seeing some indiscreet princess-on-percolator-pony action.

“Psst,” she hissed. “You alone, Dry?”

“Of course I’m alone,” snapped Dry Roast, yanking a large foam cup off the stack with his magic.

“Just didn’t want to interrupt you an’ Twi,” she explained, taking a quick peek around the concealing hat to make sure there were no princesses hiding in plain sight despite Dry’s assurances.

“Coffee,” simmered Dry as he poured, not even bothering to put the surreptitious half-squirt of apple syrup into the bottom of the foam cup as he had been doing for several weeks now. “Black.”

“Thought I might try somethin’ a little different today.” The apple farmer fidgeted, much like a foal who needed to use the bathroom before something terrible happened. She looked around, up at the menu and over the equipment, never once meeting Dry Roast’s irritated gaze. “Like one of them Prench coffees you done made for Twilight.”

Dry Roast sat the brimming cup of black coffee on the counter and put the lid on it while trying to control his temper. “AJ, why are you doing this? You aren’t any good at lying.”

Applejack let out her breath in a huff and grabbed the coffee, sitting right down on the floor and poking in the little plastic cutout so she could blow on the contents to cool them rather than talk. In contrast, Dry Roast simply stood behind the counter and glared, fully aware that Applejack was not about to leave without paying for her purchase. The standoff lasted far longer than he expected, until Applejack’s patience broke like a dry twig.

“Dagnabbit, Dry! This is got me all twisted up inside. If’n you been sneaking around with Twilight, it’s not too bad a thing, since you seem to be an alright colt and all that, particularly with the checking that Rarity done did on… Nevermind. Anyhow, Twi’s a grown princess now, and if she wants to see you, that’s all right with me, but the two of you sneaking around in the dark like this still ain’t right.”

“We’re not sneaking—” The bell above the door rang again and Dry nearly jumped out of his shoes, hyperventilating until he managed to look at his newest non-royal customer. “Rarity! Thank heavens.”

Applejack scrambled to her hooves, still holding onto her untasted coffee. “Hiya, Rares. Dry and I was just talking about Twi.”

Rarity, who was completely done up without a hair out of place, raised one perfect eyebrow. “Really?” She glided to the counter, put in her normal order for a half-sweet white mocha frappuccino, and placed a small pile of bits in front of her while Dry Roast worked the coffee equipment.

“Mister Roast,” she stated in an apologetic tone, “I would like to beg your forgiveness for insinuating that you were engaged in some sort of illicit romantic relationship with my friend, Princess Twilight. I took a single hair out of place and built an entire fantasy world out of it. Can you ever forgive me?”

A wave of relief washed over Dry Roast at the thought of being able to emerge from this disaster unscathed. “Of course!” he babbled. “It could happen to anypony.”

“You’re not angry with me?” Rarity batted her eyelashes, making Dry Roast’s heart give a little flutter and his babbling continued.

“No, of course not. It was a harmless mistake. No harm at all.”

“Oh, I’m so relieved,” said Rarity with a deep sigh. “I’m going to go up to the castle and apologize to Twilight right away. Could you mix me up a coffee for her too?”

“Sure!” The familiar motions of blending Twilight’s most common order flowed along with his growing sense of released tension, culminating in the moment he placed the immense foam container next to the considerably smaller frappuccino and looked up into Rarity’s smiling face.

He froze, much the same as a rabbit would freeze when the shadow of a hawk swept over it.

“That’s durned sneaky, Rares.” Applejack was trying her best to look insulted at the implied lie and failing badly, but Rarity continued her look of guileless innocence while placing a second larger pile of bits down on the counter.

“I have no idea what you could possibly mean, darling. Ta!” She strolled out of the coffee shop with the two mismatched foam cups floating beside her, leaving behind a significant silence, which took Applejack nearly a minute to break.

“So?”

Dry Roast swallowed once to wet his parched throat and tried his best to look Applejack in the eyes. “I have the right to remain silent.”

Applejack shook her head. “But apparently not the ability.”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

The rest of the morning was pure torture, one drip of coffee at a time. Every time the bell over the door rang, he twitched, sometimes waking up from a startlingly realistic daydream of just exactly what was going to happen when the metaphorical water hit the hot plate. Once, he even jerked into full wakefulness with the sudden certainty that Princess Celestia had just walked through the front door, but it was just Derpy caught in somepony’s clothesline again and covered with colorful socks.

Even though the morning temp employees were taking up the slack, Dry Roast was a nervous wreck by the time his big brother came sauntering through the front door of the coffee shop. Two shots of hazelnut and a dollop of creme on a plain coffee later, he had the little earth pony tucked away into a side booth, as far away from any other customer as possible.

“Hey, Stringbean.” Balanced Budget took a long sip of his coffee and eyed his little brother from top to bottom. “No hoofcuffs, I see. Probation or work release?”

“Get serious, Bud,” hissed Dry Roast as quiet as he could. “Please.”

The guileless expression on the undersized earth pony only made his older brother look more like an innocent little teenager than ever. Over the years, it had led to more than a few attempts by larger ponies to take advantage of his supposed naivete while getting properly fleeced in return. Some had even thanked him for the lesson later. Now that he was a lawyer, they paid him out the nose for the privilege. “I’m always serious,” protested Balanced Budget with one hoof held across his chest.

“You put a frog down the back of your wife’s dress during your wedding,” countered Dry Roast.

“She was being too serious.” Balanced Budget pushed his coffee to one side and leaned both forelegs against the table, much like a little colt who needed a booster seat to bring him up higher. “Now tell me what’s up or I’ll go get a frog.”

“Just what I told you in the letter.” Dry Roast took a deep breath, feeling oddly comforted by his older brother’s presence even though he was only half his size. “I think I’m going to be arrested for assault. I think. I don’t know.”

The carefree smile vanished from Bud’s face. “You are serious. I thought this was some weird way of telling me you were getting married.”

“No!” yelped Dry Roast with a panicked look around the coffee shop. Lowering his voice again, he added, “Heavens, I hope not. I’m in danger of being accused of assault, and I need a lawyer. You.”

Bud frowned. “Look, I’m a financial specialist. There’s gotta be a better criminal lawyer to represent you around town somewhere.”

“Ponyville is a very small town. It has one legal representative other than Princess Twilight.”

“Great.” Balanced Budget cheered up. “She’s a princess. She’s perfect for your defense. Juries love a princess.”

“No!” hissed Dry Roast again. “Are you crazy?”

Bud shrugged. “Well, use the other pony, then.”

Dry Roast closed his eyes and took a breath to calm down. “Jailbird is currently serving a sentence in the Ponyville jail. He gets out every day on work release, but I’m not sure I want him as a lawyer. He likes it in jail.” Dry paused for a moment to think. “Besides, I’m not sure he even passed the bar.”

“Oh. Well, has the victim sworn out a statement as to…” Bud stopped as if a critical flaw in the plan had become obvious. “Wait a second. What did you actually do, anyway?”

Dry Roast cringed, looking all around the coffee shop to make sure he was not being eavesdropped on. He lowered his voice to a bare whisper and leaned close to his big brother. “Kissing.”

“Kissing?”

“Yes.”

Bud waited for a short period before asking, “And that’s all?”

Dry Roast lowered his head until he could touch the table with his horn. “Yes.”

There was a quiet slurp while Balanced Budget took a drink of coffee. “So you kissed this mare—”

“Actually, she kissed me.”

“Really?” There was a note of unwelcome levity in Bud’s voice, making Dry Roast give him a suspicious glare from his position on the table, and glare even harder when he asked, “How many times?”

“Um… Several times.” Dry searched his brain for a number that would not sound guilty by association, and finally admitted, “I lost count.”

“Uh-huh.” Balanced Budget took another, much longer drink of coffee. “So this mare… It was a mare, right?” At Dry Roast’s acidic glare, he continued, “So this mare actually kissed my little brother. Repeatedly. Any other signs of insanity we can use in the trial?”

“She’s not crazy,” said Dry, even while thinking of several incidents around town that might counter that assertion. “She’s….focused. Really focused.”

“And she focused on you.” Bud shook his head. “Hm. That’s as far as it went though, right?”

Dry nodded.

“Good,” murmured Bud. “So when did this happen?”

“Um… A couple of times this month. Four times in the month before that. About eighteen or nineteen before that, but it was a fairly stressful month, I suppose. Skipped most of the month before that except for weekends, and—”

“Okay, okay.” Bud waved a hoof and frowned. “Slow down, Cassa Nova. When did this smooching start?”

“The kissing? A little over a year ago, but she’s been coming by the shop for coffee over two years now. It’s been getting more… intense lately, I suppose. Practice, I guess. And… um… other things,” added Dry, trying not to mention Tirek and the giant crater outside of town that had been dubbed Lake Don’t Mess With Twilight.

“A year.” Bud let out a deep sigh and dug a notebook out of his saddlebag. After writing notes for a while, he looked up. “Any witnesses to any of the events?”

Dry shook his head.

“So he said, she said, and consensual for over a year,” he muttered around the pencil while writing. “You don’t have anything to worry about, bro.”

“Yes I do,” hissed Dry Roast, looking around the room again. “She’s… important.”

Bud chuckled around his pencil. “Important, in Ponyville? Right. Who did you assault, Princess Twilight?”

There was a very long silence, broken when the pencil fell out of Bud’s mouth.

“No,” he said.

“No!” hissed Dry Roast, before swallowing once and adding, “Not really?”

There was a very long silence, but at least Balanced Budget looked like he was taking the situation seriously for once in his life. Unfortunately, he looked as if he were taking it seriously enough to leave Equestria and change his name.

Finally, Bud moved. He scooped up his notepad, dropped it into his saddlebag, and drained his coffee in one gulp. “Let’s go. If we take the next train to Canterlot and you fling yourself down in front of Princess Celestia’s hooves to beg for mercy, she may just throw you into prison for the rest of your life.”

“I don’t know.” Dry Roast stayed put, although he picked up his brother’s empty foam cup and started to wipe down the table with his towel. “I had this horrible feeling that she was going to come by the store this morning, maybe have a sunflower spice latte or something.” He paused, tapping the empty cup against the table. “She’s got to know. She knows everything, and she comes by Ponyville a lot. She could—”

The bell over the front door dinged and Dry Roast nearly broke his neck whirling to look at the incoming customer, who thankfully for his heart, was just an ordinary pegasus mare with a pink mane.

“Don’t sweat it,” said Bud in a casual manner that did not quite conceal his own worry. “That’s just something she does. She can’t possibly know. Heck, you just barely know. I don’t even know, and I’ve been sitting here with you for ten minutes now.”

“Accessory after the fact,” said Dry, much the same way he had attempted to blame his brother when they were much younger.

Bud held a hoof across his chest. “Lawyer. Anything you’ve told me is strictly confidential under lawyer-client privilege.” He paused for a moment, suddenly looking less confident. “I’ll go buy your train ticket to Canterlot. You better go by yourself.”

“Chicken.”

“Heck, yes,” admitted Bud. “A couple of the guys in the firm have met Princess Celestia before. They say it’s like being dosed with Truth Serum and shoved into a clothes wringer. If you’ve been—” Bud lowered his voice and looked around “—playing tonsil hockey with the newest princess…” The short earth pony cut off with a perplexed expression. “Wait a minute. If you two have been playing kissy-face, discounting how my squirrely little brother managed to get Royal face time, why are you so worried?”

Dry Roast took a long, slow breath. “Do you remember how I used to sleepwalk when I was a colt?”

“Yeah.” Bud paused, looking pensive. “Wait a sec. You’re trying to tell me that you’ve been sleepwalking into her castle bedroom?”

“Yes. Wait, NO!” added Dry in a rush. “Oh, heavens no I hope not oh fudge I’m going to have to hoofcuff myself to the bed now.”

Patient as ever, Bud waited until his little brother ran out of steam. “So you expect me to believe Princess Twilight Sparkle sleepwalks into your store?”

Dry Roast nodded.

“Kisses you.”

Dry nodded again, only slower, and added, “Sometimes.”

“And only kisses you,” clarified Balanced Budget.

“Absolutely,” said Dry. “No more. Nothing else. Nothing. Other than coffee.”

“And she doesn’t remember?”

It was an important point, and although the possibility existed, it seemed highly unlikely, particularly after Twilight Sparkle’s visit to the coffee shop yesterday. “I don’t think she does,” he hedged.

It took a while for Bud to think, but in the end, he gave a reassuring nod. “Okay, if what you said is true, even though it sounds impossible, legally, you’re fine.”

A wave of stress flowed off Dry Roast’s shoulders, and he gave out a relieved, “Whew.”

“And royally screwed,” continued Bud.

“What?”

“Do I need to write you a brief? Remember when you were sleepwalking as a colt? Something inside your pea-like brain wanted to go out and play in the sandbox. I caught you a few times wandering around the house. You used to talk while you were staggering around, even though you made no sense at all. A sliver of your brain was functioning and driving you toward something you wanted, but the rest was shut down. If Princess Twilight is staggering into your store to kiss you—”

“She also buys coffee during every trip,” added Dry Roast quickly. “Always. Every time.”

“Okay, to buy coffee and kiss you. Something in her brain wants both of those things.”

“She always buys coffee,” repeated Dry in an attempt to drive away unwelcome thoughts of prison and chains. “The kiss is optional.” He paused, counting in his head. “Until lately.” After another pause to consider the words, he added, “So her brain wants me?”

Bud settled back down on his chair and shook his head. “Ten thousand eligible mares in the world, all of them smarter than my brother, and one of them smarter than him even when she’s asleep. Look. There are four adult alicorns in the world. One is taken, two have the sex lives of monks, and Twilight Sparkle. The application line even to date her stretches around the block, and rumor has it Princess Celestia has a golden stamp labeled ‘Not Nearly Good Enough’ to hammer down on every application or applicant who comes into the castle. Princess Celestia loves her like a daughter, Princess Luna was saved from Nightmare Moon by her, Princess Cadence used to fillysit her, for crying out loud. Not to mention her overprotective big brother. Anypony with a male chromosome who even talks to her gets a little visit from the Royal Guard to check out their background and any unpaid tax bills they might have.”

“You know this how?” asked Dry. The list seemed far longer than the one he had developed in his own mind, and a little more specific than expected.

Bud shrugged again. “Remember the junior partner in the firm I told you about? The real stallion about town? Guess who thought he would send in a dating application on a whim? Got the whole firm audited, spent two weeks talking to Royal Guards, and that’s not counting the physical exam. A complete physical exam.” Bud rubbed his hornless forehead. “The smartest thing you could do right now is to march right up to Princess Twilight Sparkle's castle and confess. No, scratch that idea. The whole town would see you and might get ideas.”

“The whole town knows already, courtesy of Pinkie Pie.” Dry Roast licked his lips and chose his words with care. “What I really need is a messenger of some sort, like a lawyer.”

“Oh, no.” Bud recoiled and eyed the door as if he would have fled if not for his larger little brother in the way. “I diapered your buns when you were little, and I’m not picking up your poop anymore.”

As much as Dry did not want to admit it, his big brother had a point. “How about if I send you as a messenger to get a messenger?”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

“Let me get this straight,” said Rarity. She was sitting at the same back table of the coffee house with Dry and Bud now that the lunch rush was in full swing and the temp staff was busy enough not to pay them any attention, but Rarity did not look as pleased as Dry expected. “My friend has been sleepwalking.”

“Yes,” admitted Dry Roast.

“To your store.”

“Yes.”

“And ordering coffee in her sleep.”

“Yes.”

“And engaging in…affectionate actions afterward.”

Dry Roast shuffled uncomfortably. “Occasionally.” In the resulting silence, he fidgeted some more before adding, “Yes. But just kissing. That’s all.”

Rarity leaned forward until their horns nearly touched, her brilliant blue eyes seeming to pin him to the chair. “And you didn’t tell me?”

“Yes. I mean no. I mean… what?”

Using one hoof to flick a curl of her mane back, Rarity rolled her eyes. “Yesterday, I went to Twilight’s castle and had the most awkward meeting of my life with my best friend, where I told her I knew about her love affair with a handsome young colt, and proceeded to attempt to wheedle out the naughty details of an affair she doesn’t even know about?” The perfectly coiffed unicorn huffed in exaggerated aggravation. “Now you expect me to go back, after I’ve embarrassed myself far more than any time in my life and tell her she doesn’t remember her torrid affair because she’s been sleepwalking?”

It seemed to be a question which fairly demanded an answer, so Dry hesitantly put forward, “Yes?”

Rarity leaned forward again with a cruel sparkle in her eyes that he did not like, and fairly breathed her next words.

“You owe me.”

Dry Roast swallowed. “If you can get me out of this without me getting hung up by my unmentionables, I’ll buy your coffee every single morning for the rest of your life.”

The mischievous sparkle in her eyes flattened into a dry glare. “Unmentionables?”

“Errr…” Dry’s impending panic was calmed by the smooth voice of his big brother stepping in.

“Young lady, I would like to extend an apology on behalf of my client and little brother. He’s an idiot.”

Dry Roast nodded.

After a long, evaluating pause, Rarity shook her head. “No, I’m not going to do it.”

“What?” wheezed Dry through a suddenly dry throat.

“You dug this hole yourself, so you’re going to have to get out of it by yourself.” Rarity ended her pronouncement with a sharp downward jab of her horn.

“But you just said—”

“Never mind what I said before.” Rarity straightened up and attempted to look down her nose at Dry Roast, which did not work very well since he was still taller than she was. “I shall convince my good friend to visit your establishment this afternoon and sit right where we are now, but you owe a full explanation to her from your own lips.” She smirked. “Who knows, maybe she’ll want to try them out when she’s awake.”

Bud spoke up abruptly. “As your legal representative, I would advise you to take this offer, Dry. That is, unless you like the idea of the Royal Guard dragging you out of your shop by your tail and throwing you in prison.”

Rarity seemed to think the idea was humorous, and laughed lightly. “The Royal Guard would never… Well, now that Shining Armor is in the Crystal Empire, I don’t think they would…” She stopped and considered Dry Roast with a contemplative frown. “Let’s just get Twilight and loverboy here together and see what happens afterward, shall we?”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

The afternoon was almost over and closing time for the coffee shop was quite near, but every single seat and bench was filled, with a line of ponies in front of the counter waiting for their turn and several other ponies just standing around with their purchases. They were all innocent ponies, pretending not to know what each of them was there for and all watching Dry like he was some sort of performing monkey, just waiting for the organ grinder to start the music.

Or at least it felt that way to Dry.

The cheerful little bell over the door dinged, revealing Rarity and Princess Twilight Sparkle both standing just outside, obviously startled at the size of the crowd.

Said crowd looked at the two new customers. Perhaps a photo or two was taken.

Both of the new customers stared back, then the more royal of the two turned on her heel and stalked off in the direction of her castle, with Rarity trotting behind and starting to apologize just as fast as she could talk.

Dry Roast glared at all of the suddenly embarrassed customers. “Out!” he snapped. “We’re closed.”

Lyra held up her foam cup. “Refill?”

“OUT!” he repeated. “Show’s over. Out, out, out!”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

After a brief store cleaning that was probably more vigorous than necessary, Dry Roast stalked out on the next step of his afternoon routine by taking the few scattered leftover pastries to Sugarcube Corner. He wanted to stay angry at the way the rest of the town was taking such great entertainment value in his embarrassment, but staying angry when Pinkie Pie bounced into the room was impossible.

“Hi, Dry!” announced Pinkie with a giggle. “That joke never gets old.”

“Hi, Pinkie. Brought over the leftovers.” He floated over the box and Pinkie Pie looked inside.

“Thanks! Not much today, I guess. We’ll have to use some of our leftover donuts for the Meals on Wheels deliveries tonight. So, how did your makeup makeout session with Twilight go?”

“What?”

Pinkie Pie bubbled onward regardless of the consequences. “At the coffee shop, but you know the best makeout sessions don’t happen at the store unless you have your bedroom at the store which I do but I don’t makeout during work but Twilight’s always at work and sometimes we don’t think she makes out at all and is going to wind up an old mare with a bunch of cats or dragons maybe if Spike ever finds his special somedragon or somepony but we’re not supposed to talk about that so what happened with you and Twilight this afternoon?”

Dry Roast had to take a moment to translate. “She stopped by the shop and left.”

“I knew that already,” said Pinkie with a giggle. “What about between?”

“There wasn’t a between.” Dry motioned with a hoof. “She showed up. Opened the door. Looked at all of the ponies crammed into the store until there almost wasn’t enough space to stand. And left.”

“Oopsies!” Pinkie Pie held a hoof to her mouth. “I may have possibly told a few ponies about your meeting with Twilight.”

If it had been any pony other than Pinkie Pie, Dry Roast would not have put a hoof over his eyes. It still did not help as much as he thought it would. “How many ponies in Ponyville did you not tell about our meeting this afternoon, Pinkie?”

“That’s easy!” bubbled Pinkie. “There’s…” She paused and looked up at the ceiling. “You.”

“Yeah, I thought so.”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

Skipping the gym for the second afternoon in a row, Dry Roast saw his older brother off to the train station, picked up his mail, and managed to make it inside his house without interference.

And after due consideration, locked the door. After all, if his younger brother got to their shared home early from his management training seminar, he could fly in through his own bedroom window.

After sorting through the box of library books again, Dry picked out a book on corporate mergers under the assumption there would not be any unwelcome company-on-company romantic scenes in it while he was trying to relax and unwind after a very stressful day. He made a quick sandwich, strolled out onto the balcony, and settled down in his favorite recliner in order to resume his relaxation attempt.

Even compared to a normal Ponyville afternoon, it was beautiful outside. All kinds of birds were chirping in the nearby trees, a few squirrels were playing tag, and butterflies drifted by on the fresh breeze. Even the insects were not bothering him, which bothered him after a while of listening to the chatter and chirps of nature.

Finally, he got up off the recliner and peeked over the edge of the roof, where he found himself looking into the startled teal eyes of Ponyville’s most famous animal caretaker.

“Fluttershy,” he started cautiously. “Really?”

As expected, the shy pegasus cringed away, making Dry Roast feel as if he had just committed some terrible crime. Still, it was his roof, and Dry returned to the recliner and his reading.

Now it was too quiet.

He went back and peeked back over the roof edge again, only to find that despite her original retreat, Fluttershy had returned to nearly her original observation position.

“I’m sorry for shouting at you,” said Dry Roast in just as polite a tone as he could muster.

“You didn’t shout,” whispered Fluttershy. “You just talked. I’m sorry for intruding—”

“But you were just worried about your friend,” finished Dry. “Yes, I know. I’ve heard it before.” He suddenly perked up, seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. “I know what can help. I need to talk to Twilight somewhere the rest of the town won’t see. How about if I go to your hou—”

“No.” Fluttershy fidgeted, but looked very sincere despite a growing blush. “I can’t have you out to my house, because if you’re Twilight’s coltfriend, that could be considered naughty.”

After due consideration on how deep a hole he could get into if every critter in Ponyville thought he was doing something bad to Fluttershy, he hesitantly asked, “Is there anywhere else I could go to meet with her on neutral ground?”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

“Me and my big mouth.” Dry Roast looked down the dark path leading into the Everfree Forest and considered just how much he really wanted to have a meeting with Princess Twilight Sparkle to get the situation under control before… His eyes traveled unconsciously to the side, looking up the towering slopes of Mount Canter and the shining city where Princess Celestia ruled over all of Equestria, including small little shop owners who might possibly cause her former student any mental grief.

He walked forward, down the dark trail and on the way to Zecora’s house.

Author's Note

On Tek's comments about a lack of coffee driving Twilight mad:
"Decaf." Twilight sipped from her cup. "I can do this. I'm strong. I've lasted this long."

"Twilight!" Spike scowled and picked up his grocery bag. "It's only been two minutes. I'll go down to the store and I'll be right back."

(on cats) Hey, there's an idea for the royal guard

Yeah, you could be like some old lady, sitting in front of the fireplace while petting her cats.
(cuts to Canterlot)
Celestia, sitting in front of the fireplace, stroking the guard's mane
"Um, ma'am? Princess? Excuse me?"

I can see Dry breaking into song:

I told the witch doctor, I was not in love with you...

(On the section where Dry picks a business book to read so there is company-on-company romantic scenes)
Tek: depends do mergers count as romantic in the business world :)
Me: So tempted. Ok, you made me do it.
Tek: yes yes, not the first or last time I expect to see that :) I love playing the little devil on your shoulder
IrRespective: "So, is this a peaceful buyout ... Or a hostile takeover?"

"Depends on how you like it."
(Scene cut)
"And that day you came into existence, my little Conglomerate."

4. Bring On The Night

Her Royal Morning Coffee
Bring On The Night

Despite having been in Ponyville for most of two years, Dry Roast had never gone for a late-afternoon stroll through the famous Everfree Forest before. After all, the forest had a certain reputation, and a pony in the forest supposedly had a lifespan similar to a cupcake around Pinkie Pie. Still, if Fluttershy of all ponies suggested it, he had considered that the trip to Zecora the Zebra’s house must not have been that dangerous.

Now that he was strolling at a rather brisk pace through the dark forest, he was having second thoughts. After all, Fluttershy was the pony who supposedly had a grizzly bear for a pet, so what she considered perfectly safe could easily be very not-safe for a young and juicy stallion with enough meat on his bones to make steaks for several of the forest’s carnivorous denizens. Even worse, the trip was stretching out into a far longer walk than he had anticipated, even to the point that he worried about having walked past the zebra’s forest house and—

He blinked, looking at the carved wooden masks and glass flasks hanging from a low and intimidating tree. It had to be Zecora’s house, because the path just flat ended in front of it, much as if the tree had a habit of luring young and tender stallions in from town and eating them. Dry Roast swallowed once, looking to either side for perhaps a slightly less intimidating house tree, then back over his shoulder at the dark forest path he had taken to get this far.

There was still quite a bit of afternoon left, so there was no real need for haste. Even though it was fairly dark under the forest canopy. And strange noises continued to float through the air.

“Okay, so that’s Zecora’s house. I suppose. I’ll just wait out here—”

The mournful howling of a timber wolf sounded, far away but still far too close.

“—or in there,” finished Dry before a brisk dash over to the creepy house and a sharp knock on the door.

And another, more rapid series of knocks while the howling seemed to come closer.

“Ah,” sounded a voice from right behind Dry Roast’s ear, just as he had turned to look back over his shoulder, “so you are the stallion of Twilight’s desire. Come in young one, and sit by my fire.”

He turned abruptly, finding himself nose to nose with the striped zebra. It was quite a shock, since he had only seen her across the street or other distance before. At this close range, he could not help but notice the thick golden earrings and heavy neck rings, as well as a vaguely chemical odor wafting out of the doorway behind her that clashed something terrible with a familiar scent of alfalfa, most likely from the early dinner he could see sitting on a table behind her.

“Pinkie wasn’t kidding when she said she told everypony,” said Dry Roast. “Look, I don’t want to intrude on your meal, Miss Zecora. I just needed a place to meet with Twilight for a few minutes and explain the situation. Between us.” He paused, trying to come up with a better description and failing badly. “Whatever that is.”

The zebra’s sparkling eyes were very distracting, giving Dry the impression that she knew a lot more about the situation than he was comfortable with telling her in the first place. She cocked an eyebrow under a faint smirk before responding, “If you seek to avoid a royal hassle, why not meet Twilight in her castle?”

“Because every pony in Ponyville would see, and they’d think we were—” Dry cut off abruptly and looked around the small room, just in case Twilight had arrived first “—doing something,” he added in a lower voice.

Zecora nodded. “Come in, come in. A quandary indeed, most handsome steed. To not draw attention as you meet with your mare, you seek privacy, where ponies will not stare.”

“Exactly,” said Dry. “And in verse. So, while we’re waiting on Twilight—” his eyes drifted sideways to look at the big iron pot which took up most of the center of the main room “—what are you doing?”

“Brewing.”

“No, no,” said Dry. “I mean what’s in the pot?”

“Be careful,” said Zecora as he reached out with one hoof, “it’s hot.”

Obediently, Dry Roast returned to a spot out of reach from the simmering pot and tried to figure out why suddenly everything was rhyming even when the zebra was not talking. “I’m sorry, Miss Zecora. I know how upset I’d be if somebody wandered into my store and messed with my coffee equipment.”

It seemed to be the correct response because the zebra chuckled under her breath and stirred the pot several times before speaking again. “Do not feel sorry, but glad that you see. Speak less of your faults, and more of coffee.”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

At first, Dry Roast thought his wait for Princess Twilight Sparkle was going to be boring, but it turned out Zecora was just as intrigued by the interplay of organic materials in liquid form as he was. He wound up spending several hours talking with the friendly zebra, and exchanged enough brewing tips between them… well, it probably was a bad idea to try them out on his customers, and he suspected some of Zecora’s potions she made after today might keep ponies awake more than usual. It was so interesting, in fact, that Dry Roast did not realize how close the sun was to setting, and nearly sprinted down the path to get back to Ponyville before dark.

It made for a very short night’s sleep before the next morning.

When Applejack came into the coffee shop at her usual time, she found Dry Roast yawning behind the counter with a hefty foam cup of coffee by his side. He looked up, blinked twice, and gave a tired grunt. “Oh, it’s you.”

“You look terrible,” said Applejack. “Were you and Twi up all—”

“No!” Dry Roast yawned and tried to focus. “I mean… I didn’t see her yesterday. Fluttershy volunteered to run a message over to her and I went to Zecora’s house so we could have a nice private meeting away from prying ears. She didn’t show.” He waved a hoof in a vague gesture out the window where a few Ponyville residents were undoubtedly stumbling around in the dark.

Applejack did not seem to believe him, and snorted in derision. “Well, of course she didn’t go out to Zecora’s. Some oddball young colt who your friends say is a kissin’ you invites you out into the dark forest an’ you wonder why she didn’t show? I’ve half a mind to just drag you over to the castle by one ear, if’n you ain’t got the beans to do it yourself. An’ don’t gimmie that look like you’re wantin me to go over to Twi’s by myself this morning. Ah got a whole day of apple sellin’ in front of me, and I ain’t gonna break it off just to go do what you ain’t got the nerve to do.”

Dry Roast blinked a few times once the confusing words stopped. “Huh?”

Applejack sighed. “Coffee. Black. And not as bitter as the one from yesterday.”

“That I can do.” Mixing up a coffee for the young mare did help Dry Roast focus, and this time he remembered to give the surreptitious half-squirt of apple syrup in the bottom of the foam cup. He floated it out to Applejack with a yawn and took another drink out of his espresso magnum chocolate syrup combo to keep his edge up. “Here you go.”

“Thank’ee.” The jingle of bits on the counter barely stopped before Applejack added, “So, are you gonna go talk to her today?”

“No.” He yawned. “I’m beat. I got to bed late and didn’t sleep very well. I kept dreaming that—”

Dry Roast looked up with the cheerful ding of the front door bell, blinked several times, then used his magic to pinch his foreleg while looking back down at the ground. “Sorry, AJ. I must have nodded off there for a second.”

“Oh, hiya, Princess Luna,” said Applejack with a disturbingly cheerful air. “What brings you ‘round these parts this morning?”

Dry Roast looked up. There was no danger of him sleeping now.

The Princess of the Night stood silhouetted in the Java Le Choza doorway, her star-speckled mane nearly indistinguishable from the star-strewn night behind her and her tall statuesque form presiding over the rest of the customers. Well, customer.

Dry Roast had never seen Princess Luna before, although he had a vague recollection of several of his customers talking about her Nightmare Night visit. Supposedly she was a ‘cool’ princess, completely recovered from her time as the terrifying Nightmare Moon and encouraging everypony in town to simply call her ‘Luna’ like some ordinary winged and horned commoner. The expression on her face gave no indication of either beloved acceptance like her sister or malign gloating fury like the Nightmare, but concealed as much as it revealed. Those cool teal eyes had only taken their calm gaze off Dry Roast for a moment while she acknowledged Applejack’s presence with a brief nod, then returned to his face while she strode purposefully forward into his shop, up to his counter, stood eye to eye in front of him, and spoke in a firm voice.

“Good morning, proprietor. I’ve heard some fascinating rumors about—”

“They’re not true,” blurted out Dry Roast. “Nothing about them is true. All lies.”

One eyebrow on Luna’s perfect face raised ever so slightly and she moved her nose down in order to give Dry Roast a long, skeptical look from beneath hooded eyelids. “So, your coffee is not as good as we have heard?”

“We sell coffee?”

It was all he could think to say, although ‘think’ was probably not the right word. Princess Luna shook her head slightly, then looked up at the price sheet on the wall. It gave Dry Roast a brief moment to breathe, but his lungs resumed their paralyzed state when she turned back to look into his eyes.

“One medium caramel frappuccino in a large cup with an extra pump of frap roast, double shot affogato, and caramel drizzle.”

Dry just stood and stared.

“Before moonset, please,” added Princess Luna, somehow sounding totally calm despite the hammering of Dry Roast’s heartbeat in his ears.

With a sudden burst of motion, Dry Roast turned to the coffee machinery, taking refuge in the routine pouring and mixing as activities to prevent any additional mental thought. By the time he had finished with the order, he was feeling a little more relaxed.

Certainly Princess Luna had merely heard about his store from reputation, and Twilight Sparkle’s nocturnal jaunts had nothing to do with her visit.

Fool.

He slid the foam container onto the counter with a practiced flair and smile. “That’ll be twelve bits please.”

Princess Luna did not move, other than to continue staring into his eyes.

After a brief moment to damp down his minor panic, Dry Roast gave the foam cup a little push in her direction. “Unless you’ve forgotten your money, in which case I can put it on your tab.”

Princess Luna did not seem to notice, but continued her evaluating stare.

Once he was quite certain that the Princess of the Night was not going to speak first, Dry Roast hesitantly cleared his throat and asked, “What are you doing?”

“I am endeavoring to understand why my friend considers you to be an enticing romantic suitor.”

The foam container of coffee rose up in Princess Luna’s soft blue magic and she took a small sip, not taking her eyes off Dry Roast for a moment. A glitter of twinkling stars ran down her neck while she raised one eyebrow, then took another, much longer drink. “Other than your obvious skill.”

Dry Roast remained silent, with his jaw clenched and sweat trickling down the back of his neck, but he nearly jumped out of his shoes when Applejack suggested, “You could just go ask her, Luna.”

“No?” squeaked Dry Roast once he could breathe again, but it did not seem to stop the dark princess, who simply nodded and turned for the door with her coffee floating along beside her.

“An admirable suggestion, friend Applejack. Good morn, Dry Roast.”

The jingle of the cheerful little bell over the door shocked Dry Roast out of his trance, and after a brief glance out of the large glass windows, he gave a brief prayer of thankfulness about how the citizens of the town were all curious and nosy during the day, but none of them just happened to be up at this hour to snoop around the store. Despite the potential hit to his profits, Dry wished they all preferred to sleep in until after dawn was at least in the general vicinity.

Taking a deep breath, Dry Roast moved to sweep the accustomed pile of bits into his cashbox, but stopped at the absence of the familiar weight.

“She didn’t pay,” he murmured in shocked realization, looking down at the empty counter.

“I’ve got it,” called Applejack, spilling the required bits down on the counter. “Worth it at twice the price. I just hope Princess Luna can wake up Twi. She sleeps like a rock in the morning.”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

Through diligent effort and lessons learned at his meditation practice, Dry Roast had almost managed to get the image of the beautiful Princess Luna standing in the doorway of his coffee shop out of his mind by the time the morning sun had risen far up into the sky and business had calmed down to the pre-lunch lull.

He should have known better.

The cheerful ding of the doorbell preceded the same Princess of the Night as she strode through the waiting customers and into the store, only looking somewhat rumpled in the bright morning sunshine and carrying an unexpected burden in her magic. It took a few moments for Dry Roast to recognize Princess Twilight Sparkle, mostly because he was used to seeing her right-side up instead of being carried by her tail like some sort of slumbering opossum, with her tangled mane draped around her face and her limbs waving aimlessly with every step Princess Luna took. It seemed impossible for Twilight Sparkle to be sleeping in that intensely uncomfortable fashion, but her snores were unmistakable, and quite loud even though she was also sopping wet and dripping a small puddle on the tile floor.

“Coffee,” said Princess Luna from in front of the counter, which shocked Dry Roast out of his stunned trance.

“Huh?” As responses went, it was somewhat lacking, but it was the only thing that came to Dry Roast’s empty mind.

A look of minor irritation crossed Luna’s expressive face, but not anger. Dry got the sudden feeling he really would not like the way she would look when enraged, or even slightly peeved.

“My fellow Princess doth not wish to awaken and greet my sister’s glorious day, despite my most sincere efforts, including being dunked in the bathtub. We wish thee to prepare her one of thy beverages so that she might awaken and be a much more suitable conversational partner.”

“Oh,” said Dry Roast. “Coffee. Coming up.” He stirred and poured while Twilight slumbered in her upside-down position with wings drooping almost to the ground. It looked uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as Dry felt with the Royal Eye of Luna on him while he worked. When done, he presented the smaller-than-he-was-used-to foam cup of frothy frappuccino (since it was her drink for Fridays), spiced and flavored roughly as she had normally requested, and stood back just in case.

Luna took the coffee in her magic and waved the open container under the slumbering princess’ nose. There was no response, even though she held it close enough to nearly dunk her nose into the liquid. After floating the coffee away from the junior princess, Luna took a sniff for herself and a small sip, which made her ears perk up and a subdued wave of light flow down her flowing mane, ending in a few small flashes which could have been miniature supernovas.

“It certainly seems sufficient to awaken her.” She cast a curious look at Dry Roast, who felt compelled to reply.

“Maybe if you weren't holding her by the tail?”

Luna seemed to consider the question worthy and placed the slumbering princess on the tile floor of the coffee shop, where Twilight promptly curled up much like a cat with her head resting on her tail. It made the surrounding customers, because there were a few still in the store, all give out a simultaneous ‘Dawwwww!’ of adoring contentedness. The scene would have been unbearably cute even if Pinkie Pie had not immediately darted in the front door of the store. She laid a series of orange cones around Twilight and put up a sign reading ‘Caution: Sleeping Princess,’ then winked at Dry and zipped out the door.

Luna was baffled.

Dry Roast shrugged. “Pinkie Pie.”

After taking a long breath, Luna looked back down at the sleeping princess, who had somehow or other managed to find a book somewhere to curl up around. Luna shook her head and sighed. “I don’t know how she does it. She’s just so cute.”

“Yeah,” agreed Dry Roast, but backtracked almost immediately afterward. “Not that I like watching Princess Twilight sleep. Or ever have.”

“Perhaps I’m doing this wrong.” Luna floated the small foam container over to Dry Roast. “You try.”

It did not seem very dangerous because Twilight Sparkle had not reacted at all to Luna’s attempt at caffeination, so Dry Roast moved around the counter, picked up the coffee, and held it up close to Twilight Sparkle’s nose.

He really should have known better, or noticed the way her nose twitched.

Princess Twilight’s horn lit up, and with all the magical strength of an alicorn princess, she grabbed both the coffee and Dry Roast in her magic. Thankfully, she was able to tell which was which as she took a long drink out of the small foam cup and Dry Roast found himself unconsciously licking his lips over what he knew was coming next.

And it did.

Thankfully, he did not lose his balance when dragged into the passionate lip-lock, but the rest of the world seemed vague and fuzzy for a while, and it took a few breaths afterward for his breathing exercises to kick in. Once he could see clearly again, he noticed the dry and empty foam cup rolling away from Twilight where she had curled back up, licking her lips and murmuring, “More.”

He got up off the floor and returned to his station, taking the largest size of foam container and proceeding to mix, stir, and arrange until the new cup of coffee was just the way she liked it, then put the plastic lid on top and turned around.

All of the customers, including Princess Luna, were all staring at him in various degrees of stunned amazement. A few jaws were hanging open.

“She likes the larger size,” he said before clamping his jaw closed on his leaky face and in particular his blabbering mouth. This time he stayed safely on the correct side of the counter while floating the massive container of coffee down to the slumbering princess, who glommed onto it like a hungry foal attaching to a mother, all the way to the faint suckling noises she made between little snores.

“It must have been a really late night,” explained Dry Roast rather weakly.

“Sweet, sweet chocolate,” murmured Twilight in the resulting silence.

With sudden awareness of his own dark and probably could be mistaken for chocolate colored mane, Dry Roast looked nervously around the store, while all of the eyes looking back in his direction most likely were thinking the same thought.

Luna took a long pace forward and examined his mane in close detail, her tall form and long neck allowing the alicorn to reach across the counter far more than Dry Roast expected. “Verily, it doth look somewhat like chocolate.” She took a small and unsettling sniff under his quivering ear which caused goosepimples to run up and down his rump. “The smell is not displeasing.”

“I condition. Local recipe.”

With one last, longer sniff, Luna let out her breath in a sigh and moved her overly inquisitive nose back to the customer side of the counter. “We shall take thy sleeping princess back to her crystal castle to await her fair prince’s awakening kiss. Proprietor, thou shall attend us when thy duties are done for the day.”

There was a faint shimmer of dark blue magic and both princesses vanished, although the faint scent of jasmine that had lingered around the Princess of the Night remained in the vicinity as if to ensure Dry Roast would not forget his upcoming summons. He turned to the rest of the ponies in the coffee shop and attempted a confident smile.

“Free coffee for life if none of you talk about this?”

Every single pony shook their heads ‘no’ with great vigor, including a few that Dry thought were taking notes.

“Oh, well.” He shrugged. “No harm trying.”

And after work, I’m dying.

Author's Note

Editor coments:
Mitch H:
Oh, it is a poor zebra indeed, is it not, who introduces stimulants into a sleeping draught?

5. Bring On The Night(mare)

Her Royal Morning Coffee
Bring On The Night (mare)

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

From the number of sideways glances he was receiving from Ponyville residents out walking the streets in the warm afternoon sun, Dry Roast was starting to think he was walking to his execution instead of just over to the crystal castle where Princess Twilight Sparkle lived. After all, the cat was out of the bag now since Princess Luna knew of his nocturnal nuzzling, and his goose was truly cooked. All of his worry about witnesses was small potatoes now.

Thankfully, the condemned stallion had his own coffee machine, so if he was walking to his doom, he was bringing a coffee for himself. He wanted to be awake for the event, even if his mind kept tying itself up in trite, overused phrases to keep from thinking about his ultimate fate.

The castle looked a lot larger from up close, all bright and shining in the sun, and the front door seemed to be a lot thicker than he expected too. The inhabitants probably would not even hear him knocking and he could go on home without facing the music.

Taking a sip of coffee to steel his nerves, Dry Roast tapped on the door with one hoof, making slightly more noise than a grain of windblown sand might make on impact.

“Well, nopony home.” He had just taken a relaxing breath when the door swung silently open and a cool breeze blew out, smelling of lilacs and vanilla. There was nopony (and no dragon) immediately inside the open doorway, so after a second quick peek, Dry eased the door closed again.

“This is probably a bad time for them. She’s probably spring cleaning or something. I’ll come back tomorrow.” He turned around to leave and stopped, since Princess Luna was standing right there, wearing a quirky smile.

“Then again, maybe it is a good time.” He turned around again and slipped in the castle door, keeping his eyes forward while pacing off into the bright hallways and corridors. A quick glance over his shoulder showed no royal followers, so he continued walking for a while, through the bright corridors and hallways. Then through the hallways, corridors, hallways, and stairs, all the while humming a funeral dirge under his breath and considering that perhaps he had not brought enough supplies for an expedition, and that if he did get lost in here, at least one pony knew where he had vanished and might send a search party after him.

“I should have brought some string,” he muttered before opening up yet another door. Instead of another empty room or perplexing corridor, it seemed to be a bathroom, mostly because it had a bathtub in it, and there was a small dragon in the tub, taking a bath.

They shared a long, silent moment before Spike spoke up and pointed with his bath brush.

“They’re four doors that way, take a left, and you’re right there.”

“Thank you.” Dry Roast gave an abbreviated bow and closed the door, now having directions to the last place in the universe he wanted to go.

He went there anyway.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

“Princess Luna?” Dry Roast looked into the library and the two alicorns sitting quietly together, most probably discussing how best to dispose of the bodies of unwanted coffee shop owners. “I’m here,” he added redundantly while coming the rest of the way through the door and closing it after him.

Princess Luna looked calm and peaceful, but Twilight Sparkle glared back at him, only mellowing her fierce expression when she spotted the foam container of coffee hovering at his side. “Is that for me?”

“Yes, he is,” said Luna.

“No!” Dry Roast clutched his coffee in his forehooves. “I mean this is mine.”

Luna clucked her tongue while shaking her head. “Doth thou not know it is only proper to bring a princess a gift when you visit her castle?”

Dry Roast held up the cup. “Sorry. It has backwash.”

“Pass!” declared Twilight while making a face.

Luna turned slightly to regard her fellow alicorn with a raised eyebrows. “Thou didst not seem to be bothered by the touch of his mouth this morn.”

Twilight promptly blushed bright red, and so did Dry Roast.

Getting to her hooves in one slow motion, Princess Luna strolled past Dry Roast and through the door, calling back over her shoulder, “We shall await without while the two of you discuss your… relationship.”

“We don’t have a relationship,” protested Dry Roast, even though Luna had already left.

“I don’t know who you are,” said Twilight Sparkle. “How are we even supposed to have had a relationship?”

Dry Roast took a sip of coffee and cleared his throat. “I’m Dry Roast, the head barista at Java Le Choza.” He paused. “And owner.” He paused again. “Your Highness.” He paused again for a long time before adding, “Please don’t throw me in your dungeon.”

The concept seemed to upset Twilight, and she squinched up her face in what was probably supposed to be a scowl but only made her look cute. “We don’t even have a dungeon in this castle. Well, I don’t think we do. I haven’t had a chance to really look. But if we do, I’m not going to throw you in it for doing… whatever it was you did.”

“I didn’t do anything,” protested Dry. “Other than get—” He stopped cold while his lips felt hot. “Look, this is all a big misunderstanding. You’ve been sleepwalking at night for… a while and getting coffee at my shop. And paying for it.” He paused, looking for a reaction. “By the way, you still owe me fifteen bits for the frappuccino this morning.”

“What frappuccino?” Twilight Sparkle paused, then looked at the large and quite empty foam cup sitting near her cushion. “Oh, that one.” She paused again. “Look, I know this is all some sort of prank with Pinkie Pie or Rainbow Dash, so just admit it and we can go our separate ways.”

“Ok?” Dry Roast licked his lips. “Um. It was a prank.”

There was a very, very long pause while Twilight Sparkle just looked at him. “You’re a terrible liar. Which means—”

“I’m going to the dungeon?”

“No, don’t be silly. It means you’re either a changeling—”

Twilight’s horn lit up, there was a bright green flash, and then nothing. “Okay, you’re not a changeling.”

It seemed like good news, but he had to ask. “That’s good, right?”

“It would be the easy answer, but if you’re not a changeling, you’ve been brainwashed into thinking I’ve been sleepwalking around town and—” Twilight twitched “—kissing you.” She paused, looking contemplative. “By changelings, of course.”

Dry Roast let out a sigh of relief. “That’s good. I think. So you’re not going to throw me in the dungeon, right?”

“Of course not. I just need to get a few readings to see what kind of brainwashing spell you’re under.”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

For a secret lab in the basement of the Castle of Friendship, it certainly looked a lot like a dungeon to Dry Roast, including the table with the restraints and the giant helmet with a bunch of colored wires on it that Twilight Sparkle had strapped onto his head. She called it a multiordinal polyencephalograph, but he had another word for it that really was not suitable for polite company.

Somehow his coffee had followed them down to the dungeon/lab and was sitting calmly on a nearby table, which would have been fine if Dry had been able to use his magic to levitate it over to lubricate his dust-like dry throat, but the only thing coming out of his horn right now was sparks, and the occasional twinge of pain when Twilight Sparkle tuned her infernal machinery.

“Could I get something to drink, please?” asked Dry Roast.

Twilight did not seem to notice his question while writing furiously in a notebook, but she was muttering enough to be heard. “…subject is complaining of thirst, an indication of physical discomfort occurring as thaumaturgic circuit #14 was engaged. Possibly dark magic.”

Dry rasped through a suddenly dry throat, “On second thought, I’m fine.”

Not stopping writing for a moment, Twilight muttered, “Ah, switching circuits 17 and Beta Four reduced the subject’s desire for liquids. Consider the possibility of Old Atlanerius cerebral parasites causing a short in the cranial tissues. Might need a sample.”

He decided to remain silent for the rest of the testing, even when his coffee drifted across the room in Twilight’s magic and she took a drink while still scribbling away.

The sound of footsteps echoed around the room when the little dragon from before came scurrying down the stairs, calling out, “Twilight! I’ve been looking all over for you. Princess Luna says—” Spike came to an abrupt halt when he spotted Dry, took a speculative look at Twilight Sparkle who was still scribbling away, and seemed to come to a conclusion that Dry really didn't like. Step by step, Spike backed up the stairs and eased the door shut upstairs. Dry could just imagine the conversation that was inevitably going to follow.

“Rarity! Rarity!” Spike dashed into the Carousel Boutique and skidded to a halt in front of the busy unicorn, who was pinning a hem on a gown. “Twilight’s got some stallion tied up in her basement and is doing experiments on him!”

“Really?” Rarity took a few extra moments to ensure the hem was properly trimmed before turning to the little dragon. “I wouldn't worry, Spike. It’s all part of the circle of life for socially maladroit unicorns who sleepwalk. You see, when an alicorn such as Twilight develops feelings for a stallion, she first drives him insane and ties him to an immobile object before… Well, you probably should get Princess Celestia for the ceremony.”

Rarity used her magic to reach behind a partition and removed a pale cream wedding dress with violet highlights. “The poor thing is doomed, so we might as well get it over with while he retains a few shreds of sanity.”

“Well, that’s it. Are you ready for the next step?” Twilight Sparkle unhooked the restraints and removed the colorful basket of wires from his horn while Dry Roast blinked away the terrifying image.

“Shouldn’t we wait for Princess Celestia?” he stammered.

“Nooo,” said Twilight somewhat hesitantly. “Why would she want to do word association flashcards?”

“Oh!” Dry Roast lit up his magic and floated the foam cup to him, giving it a little shake. “Can I get some coffee first?”

“Hey, let go of my…” Twilight Sparkle slowed to a halt as realization swept over her, as well as a bright pink blush. “Oops.”

Feeling a little better at being out of the shackles, Dry tried to be dismissive. “Don’t sweat it. So…” He glanced around the dark, equipment-filled laboratory while she got out the cards. “Do you do this to all of your dates?”

“Date?” Twilight shuffled the cards a little faster, obviously uncomfortable with the word. “No, this isn’t a date. It’s a psychological examination to find the brainwasher who made you think I’ve been sleepwalking into your store and drinking your coffee.” She glanced at the empty cup. “And other things that I’m not doing.”

Dry Roast shook the empty cup.

Twilight Sparkle shuffled her cards faster. “One cup is only one data point. Besides, it’s an outlier. You would need a lot more points in a series to put forth any kind of plausible theory.”

Spike called down from somewhere above them. “Twilight, I brought you and your date some coffee. If you’re done playing with him, that is.”

“I’m not playing, Spike,” snapped Twilight while shuffling her flashcards even faster. “It’s research!”

The sound of draconic footfalls preceded Spike coming down the stairs, pausing to look over the room for perhaps any ‘games’ more mature than his young eyes should see, then coming down the rest of the way to the main floor. He placed a foam cup next to each of them and nodded at Dry Roast.

“Hello, Mister Roast. Rarity told me all about you. I don’t have the chocolate syrup or sprinkles for the coffee like you do, but I added extra sugar.”

“Thank you, Spike,” said Dry, trying to ignore the way Twilight Sparkle was hunched over, shuffling her cards faster than the last time he checked. He reached out one hoof and shook the offered clawed hand, then pointed at the Java Le Choza foam cups with a questioning expression.

“Yeah, I’ve been washing them out so we can get them recycled sometime,” said Spike. “We must have had fifty of them when the library oak got blown up.”

“Spike,” said Twilight in a low, threatening tone, “don’t you have something else—”

“...and we’ve got like twice as many upstairs now,” he continued. “Where are we supposed to take them to get recycled, Mister Roast?”

Twilight Sparkle’s deck of shuffling flash cards fairly exploded with cards flying everywhere.

Dry Roast ignored the rain of educational aids and just nodded back at the little dragon. “I’ll take—” A mental image flowed through his mind of him walking through town with a stack of empty cups from the castle, and just what ponies would think. “On second thought, just stack them somewhere and I’ll get them later.”

While Spike was jogging back upstairs, Dry picked up a loose card and put it on the table, then joined Twilight in a silent search for the rest of the perfectly randomized deck. After a certain amount of tense silence went by and most of the cards seemed to be located, he cleared his throat and said, “Nice lab.”

“Thanks,” muttered Twilight, using her magic to casually lift a piece of heavy equipment that he would not have even been able to shift, then retrieving the card from underneath it.

“Nice dragon,” added Dry Roast.

“Yes, he is.” Twilight dropped one last card on the stack and glared at it, as if daring it to be unshuffled after this much work.

While his jailer/experimental scientist arranged her clipboard, Dry took another look around the shadowed basement lab. “You don’t think Luna’s lurking around here?”

“Of course not.” She flipped over a card so she could see it. “Mountain.”

“Grown,” responded Dry.

There was another flip. “Rich.”

“Flavor.”

“Milk.”

“Creamer.”

“Dark.”

“Roast.”

“Death.”

“Head.”

“What?”

“Steam.” Dry Roast looked up at the puzzled alicorn. “What?”

“No, I mean why would you associate death with head?”

“Death Head Coffee. It’s one of the premium dark roasts with—”

“Never mind,” muttered Twilight before flipping up another card. “Cat.”

“Civet.”

Twilight Sparkle paused with the card held loosely in her magic field. “How is that related to coffee?”

“Why do you think that it’s related to coffee?” responded Dry. “I have other things in my life.”

Twilight gave him a long, stern gaze until Dry let out a breath.

“Kopi luwak coffee.”

She frowned. “What does that have to do with civet cats?”

“Well, the civet cats eat the coffee beans, and… Do I have to spell it out?”

“Yes!”

Resigned to his role, Dry said, “Well, the coffee beans pass through their digestive system and the outer part of the bean is cleaned off, so when it… eliminates the rest, they’re collected, cleaned, and—”

Twilight Sparkle bolted from her chair in wide-eyed panic and vanished into what could only have been a nearby bathroom, a convenient thing for a studious alicorn to have next to their secret laboratory, it seemed. While waiting for her return, Dry leafed through the remaining cards, sorting and arranging them while trying to figure out just what any of them actually had to do with mental health. He was just about to try to see if he could work out a game of solitaire with them when Twilight came stomping back into the room, plunked down on her chair, and yanked the deck of cards out of his magic.

“Cat poop coffee,” she growled in a flat, aggressive voice. “I’m going to start chaining myself to the bed.”

Dry shrugged. “It’s like a thousand bits a bag. I don’t have any at the store unless you’d like to special order some.”

Still sounding a little like she was growling under her breath, Twilight Sparkle gave the deck a quick shuffle and flipped over a card.

“Bed.”

She paused again, giving the innocent pasteboard card a look that by all means should have set it on fire and burned it to ash, then burned the ash to ash again. “We’re done here.”

Dry Roast stood and gave a short bow before heading for the stairs. “Thank you, Princess Sparkle. It has been a… interesting day.”

By the time he was back out in the sunshine, sipping from his foam coffee cup and headed for home, Dry was feeling a great sense of relief, much as if an alicorn-shaped sword had been taken away from overhead. Admittedly, he did not have the welcome possibility of a sleeping Princess Twilight Sparkle coming over in the morning any more for coffee and some sugar, but on the positive side, he did not have the unwelcome possibility of an angry Princess Twilight Sparkle coming over in the morning any more for coffee and some sugar.

It almost made him break into song, but he settled for a crisp skip to his stride and a pleasant smile for everypony he passed.

I’m just glad this is all over.

6. Wake up. It’s Eight O’Clock.

Her Royal Morning Coffee
Wake up. It’s Eight O’Clock.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

It was an extraordinary morning for Dry Roast, and with Ponyville being the way it was, that was saying something. His sleep was refreshing, the walk to the store through the sparkling night was invigorating, and everything just seemed to be going his way for a change. He opened the store a few minutes early, warming up the coffee machinery and popping the first frozen bits of cookie dough into the oven for some fresh biscotti, then gave in to his desire to whistle while getting all the rest of the multitude of things ready for his first customer. Applejack probably would not be showing up for almost two hours, and Twilight was most probably never coming to the store again, so he had a long period of idle dreaming scheduled this morning while standing at the front door to his store and gazing up into the night sky.

“Can’t believe I was making that big of a deal over nothing,” he muttered to himself while wiping down the tables. “She’s a princess. She probably has more than six impossible things happen to her before breakfast.”

The bright and cheerful ding of the front door made him look up from wiping the tables, a little surprised at having a customer this early in the morning. Then, after the identity of his nighttime visitor soaked in a little, it made much more sense.

“Good morning, Princess Luna,” called out Dry Roast while scurrying back behind the counter. “What can I get you?”

Still feeling pretty good about his life, Dry Roast considered getting a sign for his wall. ‘Luna Approved’ perhaps. Maybe even designate a booth as her favorite with moon-themed cushions for ambiance. The customers would love it.

Two out of four princesses prefer our coffee. I could get napkins printed.

Luna made a show of examining the price board before ordering a medium caramel frappuccino, although she went for two pumps of frap roast and a quick squirt of chocolate for a change instead of the affogato flavoring from last time. It took little time to mix her order up, sliding it over to the counter with a flair and a smile for the beautiful princess who had the most fetching hint of a sly smile while just standing there and watching him work.

“That’ll be sixteen bits plus tip,” said Dry automatically before remembering the last time she visited without paying. In all odds, a princess in Canterlot did not have to carry bits with them, and Luna had most likely not actually purchased anything with her own money since… well, they had invented the bit.

“Or I could let you run a tab,” he added in a hurry, trying to sound relaxed and casual.

Luna lifted one eyebrow fractionally and pointed to an old sign behind the counter that he had inherited from the previous owner. “Thy store specifies no credit,” she stated in the most authoritative voice. “And I have no bits upon me. Whatever shall I do?”

“Think of it as a gift,” said Dry.

“The law forbids princesses from accepting gifts except on state and diplomatic occasions,” countered Princess Luna. “They could be used as leverage to obtain unfair advantage with the Crown.”

“Then I was thinking of doing some advertising,” said Dry just as smooth as he could. “Your endorsement of my product could be used to cover your tab.”

“I would need to sample your… product first,” said Luna. She lifted the coffee in her magic and took a sip, not seeming to notice the wave of sparkles traveling down her mane in a frothy ripple of starfire afterward. She lifted her head up from the cup, her nose twitched, and she smiled. A piece of paper from behind the counter took flight in her magic, and a short time later, the announcement corkboard on the wall of the coffee shop bore a new sign.

The coffee here is quite good. —Luna

“Let me get you a cookie before you go.” Dry scurried into the kitchen and pulled a hot tray out of the oven with his magic, extracting one semisolid cookie and floating it over in the direction of the dark princess. “Be careful, it’s hot.”

In return, Luna regarded him from under lowered lashes. “You know I still cannot pay.”

“I still owe you for the sign,” countered Dry Roast.

“How much would you be indebted to me?”

Dry Roast shrugged. “Depends on how much traffic it brings to the store. Certainly more than just one coffee and a cookie.”

Luna took a sniff of the hovering cookie and breathed, “Remarkable.” Then she took a bite and promptly grabbed for her coffee again. “Hot! Hot!” After a few bites and slurps, she added ‘and cookies’ to the sign, then turned to Dry Roast.

“So, how hath you and young Twilight arranged thy relationship?”

Dry’s heart skipped a beat, but he tried to continue acting casual while he wiped down the counter. “We don’t have a relationship. I probably won’t see her ever again. She said she’s going to start chaining herself to her bed.”

There was an ominous thud at the door, quite unlike any other thud Dry Roast had heard before.

He turned to look, even though he was afraid of what he was going to see.

He was right.

Princess Twilight Sparkle was leaning against the outside of the Java Le Choza door with a bed chained to one leg. Something in her mind was working, because the bed was floating in her magic behind her, but that amount of concentration seemed to be preventing her from actually opening the door and coming inside while towing the giant chunk of bedroom furniture behind her.

“Oh,” said Dry Roast. There was a word that he wanted to use next, but since Princess Luna was in the room, he decided to only internalize it.

Luna gave a little gasp and held a hoof to her mouth. “Oh, my.”

“Oh, my what?” asked Dry Roast, momentarily distracted from the sight of Twilight Sparkle pressed face-first against the outside door and leaving little trails of drool down the glass.

“Never mind,” said Luna abruptly. “The dreams of another are private.”

Dry Roast took a second look at the drooling princess. “You don’t mean she’s dreaming about me, do you?”

Hearing no response, Dry Roast looked around the coffee shop only to find his first princess customer of the morning had vanished. Unfortunately, the second one was still there.

He considered locking the door. Or moving. Or locking the door and moving.

Against his better judgement, he went over and opened the door up a crack instead. “Yes, Princess Twilight?” he asked in a quiet whisper.

“Merglempth thslagumpth umputh mit chocolate.”

“Got it!” Dry darted back inside the shop, grateful that nopony else was up at this hour to see what was going on. He mixed and stirred as quickly as possible, as well as adding two hot cookies in a bag for whatever nibbling she intended on later. Taking the order back to the door, he held it out and whispered, “Here you go. To go. So you can go—”

Twilight Sparkle’s magic formed around the coffee and the bag while she floated over a small pile of bits, but when Dry tried to move back into the store with them, he found out he was being held also. She took a deep breath out of the steam rising from her coffee and moved right up to powerfully pin him against the door, but locked her lips to his with a graceful delicacy and power that brought his heart into a hammering crescendo.

Once done with the much longer breathy kiss, the floating bed behind Twilight Sparkle settled down onto the ground and she slipped back under the covers, only with Dry Roast trapped under one alicorn-strength foreleg. To be honest, he really was not able to fight her embrace and might have blown over in a stiff breeze, but he did struggle a little for the sake of appearances. Then Twilight snuggled down with him held close in all four limbs and both wings, nibbling on his ear while floating the cup over to a rather large cup holder on the side of the bed.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

The approach of dawn to Ponyville also brought Applejack on her traditional visit to Java Le Choza, only this time she stopped outside of the door instead of just going inside like usual.

She had to. There was something blocking her path. A bed. And in that bed, there were two someponies.

Dry Roast peeked out from under an imprisoning purple foreleg and mouthed a silent, “Help!”

Twilight Sparkle merely shifted in her sleep and nuzzled the damp ear of her prisoner.

Applejack stood stock-still for a long time, looking back and forth between the two of them, and then up into the sky as if to see if there was a multicolored tail draped off the side of a nearby cloud that would explain the situation. She looked so much like she wanted to say something particularly witty or sarcastic, but after a while she just shook her head and whispered, “Ah ain’t askin’ how you managed this. Ah don’t wanna know. Nope. Not going to ask.”

After pushing the bed a short distance away from the door, Applejack slipped inside the coffee shop. Then after a minute or two, she came back out with a hefty bag of coffee beans wrapped up in a tablecloth. It did not really look like an answer to his problem at first, but she hefted up the bag of beans, and on the count of three, swapped the bag for Dry Roast just as slick as Daring Do would have. Twilight Sparkle gave out a little whine in her sleep, but after clutching the bag more firmly and taking a quick sip from her coffee, she settled back into a snoring slumber.

Once the two of them were fairly certain Twilight was not going to wake up, Applejack nudged Dry Roast with a shoulder. “You looks jealous of that bag of beans.”

“Just a little ashamed at being so easy to replace. Um.” He looked up at the castle in the distance, then back down at the huge bed. Applejack lowered her head and rooted underneath the bed until she had it up on her back.

“I’ll carry. You balance it and make sure nuttin’ and nopony falls off, okay?”

It sounded like a good deal to him. Dry Roast could never have carried the hefty bed even a fraction of the way back to the Castle of Friendship on his own, and Applejack would have most certainly would not have been able to balance the heavy load all by herself. And, thankfully, there were no other ponies up that near to dawn, even though Dry Roast felt fairly positive that Princess Luna was watching from a distance and laughing.

It took a while, but once they got the immense bed and the occupant put back where they belonged, the two of them took a moment to just stand and catch their breath in the bedroom while watching Twilight Sparkle sleep.

“This isn’t creepy, is it?” whispered Dry Roast. It seemed to be a little excessive to be whispering, because the bed had thumped into several objects on the way back to its present location and Twilight Sparkle had not even twitched. Still, Dry was trying to err on the side of caution.

“Naa,” said Applejack. “She’s just so cute when she’s sleepin’ like that. A little like a kitten curled up around a toy mouse. And with a cup holder on her bed,” she added when Twilight took another sip of her coffee. “Weird but wonderful, that’s our Twilight.”

Once they had gotten outside of the bedroom, Dry Roast turned in the direction of the front door and started briskly striding to his escape, but stopped after a few paces and looked back. “Wrong way?”

“Wrong way,” confirmed Applejack. “Ah swear, this place needs a piece of cheese at the end.”

“Spike likes it.” Dry Roast took a moment to look around, both in the hopes of identifying some landmarks in case he ever had to find his way out again and to admire the sheer radiant beauty of the crystalline palace. “It must be like living inside of a piece of candy for him.”

“Twi tried to map it out once on a stack of graph paper,” said Applejack with a chuckle as they walked. “It didn’t end well.”

“I’m just glad she didn’t chain herself to the castle,” said Dry Roast in a vain attempt at humor. “Can you imagine her showing up outside my door dragging a few thousand tons of crystal behind her?”

Applejack laughed. “Yeah, I can.”

Dry Roast paused and looked over at Applejack. “I was making a joke.”

“You was?”

“Skip it.” Dry sighed and picked up his pace. “I better get back to… I left the shop unlocked!”

“You still ain’t got used to Ponyville yet, has ya?” Applejack picked up the pace too, holding the castle door and catching back up afterward. “You’re probably just gonna find a stack of bits on the counter and a little less coffee.”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

He did find more bits and less coffee when he returned to the store, but he also found something else, in particular, a familiar dark alicorn behind the counter. Luna was smiling and taking orders while Rarity was making a good attempt at working the equipment, although she gave out a gasp of relief when Dry Roast showed up and swapped positions with him almost instantly.

In short order, Dry managed to get the few customers waiting in line all properly caffeinated, then turned to the next item on his list, intending on getting in the first word. He did not.

“This has been a most enjoyable experience, Dry Roast. Have you need of an additional assistant?”

Dry Roast considered the offer for a long time before raising the obvious objection. “You already have a job.”

“Oh! Yes, one moment please.” Luna promptly trotted outside and lit up her horn, lowering the moon behind the horizon. In perfect synchronization, the sun rose up and bathed Ponyville in brilliant morning light, perhaps a minute or two later than usual, but it showed that at least Princess Celestia was on schedule.

Once she had returned to her position behind the counter and put her apron back on, Luna regarded Dry Roast with a blinding smile. “This is far more interesting. It shall be most enjoyable to discover the way our relationship with the common folk of the town proceeds.” She touched the breast pocket of her apron, monogrammed with an ornate ‘R’ as well as Luna’s name. “We hath even procured raiment of the proper style for our employment.”

The sinking sensation that Dry Roast had been experiencing on and off for over a year so far made itself known again. There was getting in too deep, and there was descending into the molten core of Equestria with nothing to protect yourself but asbestos underwear. This was rapidly approaching a third definition of the term.

“Are you sure you’re not just doing this to snoop on Twilight Sparkle’s visits here?” he asked cautiously.

“Nay, of course not,” proclaimed Luna. “There is also an employee discount!”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

Dry Roast decided to take Luna at her Royal Word. He skipped the preliminary job interview, got her a copy of the employee paperwork to complete whenever she had time, and went through training on the coffee equipment. There was more involved in the job than she expected, from the complicated widgets needed for every order, the ovens, flavor pumps and such. She marveled at the containers of pumpkin spice, white chocolate, caramel, sorghum, hazelnut and vanilla, seeming to make a mental list to try each of them in turn, and was fascinated to see how the rules and regulations of Canterlot actually applied once they got out to the companies they were supposed to regulate. Despite being ‘out of the country’ for many centuries, Dry was impressed at the speed at which she had acclimated to the modern era and the genuine warmth she showed when greeting the morning non-royal customers, many of whom did not even realize there was a princess behind the counter.

During the fairly calm pre-lunch lull, he finally had a chance to talk for a time with Luna about non-work things, and was surprised by her first observation.

“What a strange dialect of Equestrian these rural ponies speak.”

“The Starbuckers franchise insisted on all of the names for the products, but I did some additional signage,” said Dry, pointing to the small-medium-large-princess signs over the foam cups all snug in their racks. “They’re a little groggy in the morning to speak fluent Starbuckian.”

“Nay, the language which the citizens use when they place their order,” said Luna. “Sometimes they barely open their lips, and yet you can ascertain their desires with great perfection from the slightest of gestures and grunts.”

It was a gentle stroke across his ego that Dry could not help but preen a little at. “That’s from practice. My cutie mark is in alchemy—” he gestured at the simmering beaker on his flank “—but I’ve gotten pretty good at picking up little shifts in colors and textures in potions, as well as the atrocious hoofwriting of ancient alchemy texts from back in college. It translates fairly well into reading the intent and emotions of ponies.”

The front door of Java Le Choza slammed open so viciously that Dry Roast was a little surprised the glass did not shatter. The tiny little bell was ripped free of its housing and flew somewhere in the store trailed by its normal cheerful little jingle, but what really caught Dry Roast’s attention was the sight of Princess Twilight Sparkle standing in the open doorway, smoldering in more ways than one.

“For example,” continued Dry Roast’s mouth even though his brain had seized up, “she’s boiling mad.”

“You,” growled Twilight while stalking forward, one unstoppable step at a time with monomaniacal focus in his direction. She stopped in front of the counter and brought out a familiar bag of coffee beans in her magic, holding it to one side like it was full of a distasteful substance that deserved being disposed of, much like a certain coffee shop owner.

“There you are,” snarled Twilight through gritted teeth. “Did Rainbow Dash put you up to this, or did you come up with it all on your own?”

“Wha—”

Obviously, Dry Roast had mistaken Princess Twilight Sparkle’s question for one that required an answer, because she lifted the hefty bag of beans, slamming it down so hard on the counter that every window in the store rattled. Dry could have sworn he could smell the beans inside roasting, and he was a little… well, more than a little afraid he would be next.

“I found this in my bed this morning! Do you think it’s funny, sneaking into my castle, into my bedroom?”

“I wasn’t in your— actually we were there for just a little bit, but when Applejack found us in bed together—”

Dry Roast did not even see the bag of beans move before it hit him in the face, but he did hear the front door of the coffee shop slam while he was picking himself off the floor of the back room. He waggled his jaw, determined that nothing seemed to be broken other than the little bell from the door, and once he was sure he was not going to get slugged with a giant bag of coffee beans again, he staggered up off the floor.

Luna, who had been suspiciously quiet during the whole ordeal and who Dry really suspected of just having tucked away a camera, looked down at him with sympathetic (and twinkling) eyes.

“She shall return.”

“Thanks for the warning,” mumbled Dry, checking his jaw for loose teeth. He looked up and cocked his head to one side, thinking about the statement before asking the obvious question. “Why?”

“You did speak of the Element of Honesty. No doubt young Twilight is traveling to her friend to confront her with the evidence of your mutual treachery.”

It made sense, but only partially. “And she’s coming back here, why?”

“The Element of Honesty shall no doubt tell her the truth. That you had no sexual desires upon her shapely body, only the wish to return your sleeping princess to her castle before the populace of Ponyville didst spy the two of you entwined within a passionate embrace in her bed.”

Dry Roast felt a sudden wave of intense embarrassment sweep over him from the quiet murmuring going on among his morning customers. He looked out at the tables where everypony was intently studying the floor, walls, newspapers, or anything they could possibly look at other than in his direction.

“Oops,” said Luna, covering her mouth with a hoof.

After clearing his suddenly dry throat, Dry announced to the whole store, “Princess Twilight Sparkle tied herself to her bed to keep from sleepwalking. It didn’t work. Applejack and I dragged her and her bed back to the castle. That’s all. I have a witness.”

Lyra lifted one hoof. “I heard the phrase ‘passionate embrace.’”

“Can you hear the phrase, ‘Free coffee all week’ instead?” countered Dry.

“I went to school with Twilight,” said Lyra.

“Your point?”

The unicorn musician looked around the room. “Twilight doesn’t know, but we ran a pool. It was just a few of us at first, but it grew the longer she was in school and the Princess’ student.”

“I don’t think I like where this is headed,” muttered Dry.

“I do,” said Luna.

A few ponies in the coffee shop murmured agreement, along with one quiet “Yeah!”

Dry Roast fought off the urge to hit himself in the face with one hoof.

Lyra continued just as if her contribution to the discussion was wanted. “So what I need to know, since I’m running the pool, is the date of your first kiss.”

“Never!” blurted out Dry Roast, then after a moment to consider the depths of that misstatement, he backpedaled to a much more accurate but still embarrassing, “She has to be awake for it to count, right Princess Luna?”

Instead of instantly responding in the negative as he wanted, Princess Luna seemed to take the question with due consideration and a glance outside. “Truely, since the sun is up, this question is the domain of my sister. I shall go seek her counci—”

“Wait!” Dry Roast waved a hoof. “They happened at night, so it’s your domain. Don’t get Princess Celestia involved in this. Please don’t.”

Still seeming as if she were getting far too much entertainment out of his embarrassment, Luna nodded. “Verily, you are correct. I shall pass judgement upon this wager.”

She tapped one hoof on the coffee shop counter as if she were using a gavel to call court to order. “Since it is obvious that the conditions of the pool would not be met if a young stallion were to steal a kiss from Princess Twilight Sparkle while she was sleeping, any kiss made during the inverse situation would only logically be an invalid condition to award the wager.” Luna cast a cool glance across the customers in the store, all of whom were generally nodding except for one in the back who lifted up a hoof.

“Is there still time to buy into the pool?”

In the end, Princess Twilight Sparkle did not return to the store that day, despite Luna’s eager expectations. It was probably for the better.

Author's Note

Where Dry is struggling for 'the sake of appearances'
Tek: For his sanity
Me: Oh, that's long gone.

Tek: I can't help but feel it would be just as amusing that a cup of coffee
actually calms her down and when asked what he gave Pinkie Dry answers "A
despresso"
Me: Missus Cake runs in the front door, Dry spots her "Pardon me, folks. Emergency!" Grabs the x-large cup, bends to the task, holds down a lever on the expresso machine that makes a noise like tortured souls, floats it over to Cup in a carrier, who is trying to get her bits out. "On the house, Missus Cake. Hurry!" She runs out the door and Luna looks at him. "What was that? There's enough espresso in there to kill somepony."
Dry: Pinkie's having a difficult week. We call that one a 'depresso' because it brings her back to her normal energy level when she's feeling down.
Luna: Normal energy level? (shudders) Next!

7. Live Now. Sleep Later

Her Royal Morning Coffee
Live now. Sleep later.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

The next morning, for a given value of ‘morning,’ was going just as well as the previous one for Dry Roast, with a pleasant walk through town, a relaxing feeling about the brisk morning air, and a princess-free shop. He brought the machinery up to a happy perking warmth, started the first pastries into the oven, and just relished the peace and quiet for a while. After all, Twilight Sparkle had an entire bag of coffee beans to make coffee for a few weeks, so she would not get into his mane and everything would roll along like normal, without the sleepwalking.

Oh, wait. She brought the beans back. Still, maybe it will be a normal morning anyway.

The muted ding of the repaired bell made Dry Roast quickly turn toward the front door, and then relax fractionally when he saw Luna’s statuesque form strolling through it.

“Good morn, fair shopkeeper. We are here for our shift.”

Maybe not that normal, even by Ponyville standards.

“Good—” Dry Roast paused to look outside at the inky darkness covering Ponyville. “Is it really morning until the sun comes up?”

“Verily, We say it is morning, therefore it is.”

Since she was the ultimate arbiter of the term, Dry Roast accepted her ruling and considered the second, slightly more important problem she represented.

“Are you sure you want to work at my store, Princess Luna?”

“Call me Luna,” she insisted, giving him a warm smile that he wished he could get all of his employees to copy, even during busy times. To be honest, Dry Roast would have hired any unicorn or pegasus who behaved like Luna right on the spot. She was bright, alert, quick to learn, and very friendly with the customers. Raising and lowering the moon was really not on the job description of a barista, but Dry saw no reason why he could not allow a few minutes for her to perform her divine duties while on break.

That’s not to say hiring her was going to be too easy. The amount of bits he was going to have to hold back for taxes was puzzling, but all of the rest of the paperwork had been completed, so he settled down with the princess for more specific training than yesterday. It was so nice to have a few hours of quiet, and Luna’s comfortable personality made him almost forget her royal nature after she told a few dirty jokes. In fact, when she took a break to lower the moon, he almost missed it due to his own mis-timed bathroom break. But there she was, in a Java Le Choza apron, lowering the moon with the same ease a normal unicorn would use to move an apple.

She handled the rest of her morning duties alongside the other employees with a similar style, and took off for home after the noon rush with a ‘to go’ coffee floating along beside her, just as casually and comfortably as if she had been working at a coffee shop for the last few centuries. He was watching her vanish into the distance and considering if Rarity really had needed to embroider her name on the apron when Dry Roast caught the glint of light from the other castle on the edge of Ponyville.

So he turned and gave a casual wave to Twilight Sparkle and her telescope.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

Once quitting time rolled around, the rest of the afternoon passed about the same way as Dry Roast expected. The equipment was cleaned, the leftover pastries taken over to Meals on Wheels, and his late afternoon catchup weightlifting and sparring session with Rainbow Dash at the gym left him in a comfortable lather. While trotting home, he was just starting to look forward to a relaxing hot shower and a good book.

Then he found something in his way, and it was holding a clipboard.

Dry Roast immediately began to dislike clipboards.

“Good afternoon,” said the Royal Guard pegasus, still standing quite solidly in front of Dry Roast’s door. “Is your name Dry Roast?”

“Why?” asked Dry while pulling out his key.

“I have a few questions for you, sir.”

“No.” Dry Roast unlocked the door and opened it up.

“It will only take a few minutes, sir.” The guard moved to one side to allow Dry Roast to pass, but stopped after Dry went inside and held out a hoof.

“No it won’t. Good day, sir.” He closed the door with no small amount of irritation, as well as a slight guilty feeling as if he were carrying a few bags of stolen bits past a police station. It gave him time during his brisk cold shower to consider the possibility of the Royal Guard actually arresting him for Aggravated Royal Kiss Theft in the First Degree or maybe Employing a Princess Without a Work Permit, but none of the charges really seemed plausible any more, particularly since he could call Luna as a witness to his inadvertent activities.

He grabbed a book out of Rain Check’s library pile and went out to the balcony to get some relaxing and reading done before bedtime, only to find the armored pegasus guard standing rather impatiently next to his telescope and waiting for him.

Darned pegasi.

The guard arranged his papers on his clipboard and opened his mouth, only for Dry Roast to cut him off. “Unless you’re arresting me, go away.”

“Pardon me?” asked the guard, obviously uncomfortable at the way the conversation was going.

“I said, unless I’m under arrest, shoo. Begone. I have a book to read and you’re in my light.”

“I’m afraid I must insist,” said the guard with the most sincere voice and impassive face, which he must have practiced in front of a mirror for months to perfect. “The security of the Princess is at stake.”

You could just hear the capital letter settle in over that word, but Dry quickly countered, “Which one?”

“Which one what?” asked the guard, obviously confused.

“Which princess?” asked Dry. “The customer or the employee?”

“Emp—?” The guard cut off his words so quickly that Dry Roast thought he might have bitten his tongue, then cleared his throat and said, “Customer.”

“Are you arresting me?” asked Dry.

There was a very long pause before the guard reluctantly said, “No.”

“Then buzz off. Look, Princess Twilight’s castle is right over there.” Dry Roast pointed and squinted at the glint of light coming from the top of the roof, right where he would put a telescope if it was his huge crystal castle. “In fact, she’s probably over there with her telescope spying on me, so if you want answers to your questions, go talk to her. Now beat it.”

For one long moment, Dry considered what would happen if the guard took his suggestion literally and beat him like a rug, but in the end, the pegasus turned tail and flew away without another word.

“Good.” Dry settled down with his book, giving only a casual glance at the direction of the Royal Guard’s path and relaxed a little to see him headed for the nearer of the two castles, and in particular the one that Princess Celestia, the Living Sun did not live in.

He returned to reading his book in the warm afternoon sunshine with only a small itching desire to be a fly on the wall when the poor guard met Ponyville’s resident Princess of Confusion.

* * *

“Princess Twilight! Princess Twilight!” The Royal Guard fluttered down from the sky and pointed into Ponyville with a pensive pout. “Your coltfriend is being mean to me!”

“Yes,” hissed the young alicorn, still hunched over her telescope viewfinder. “What a naughty unicorn. Go arrest him and throw him into my dungeons.”

The guard puffed out his chest and saluted. “Yes, Your Highness.”

Princess Twilight Sparkle gave out a high-pitched cackle. “Then I’ll torture him for days. I’ll read him books with bad grammar and plot holes, and force him to write literary analysis of children’s picture books. Maybe even—” Twilight’s voice became low and sultry “—force him to read Rainbow Dash’s Daring Do fanfiction.”

The guard trembled, shying away from the pure insanity of the image.

“Now, fly!” called out Twilight, pointing down into Ponyville. “Fly, my pretty, and bring him to me!”

* * *

Dry chuckled and settled into the recliner with his book. He had read some of Rainbow’s fiction out of pure curiosity after being badgered, hounded and turtled at the gym about it for several weeks. Her disdain for the common comma, an overriding enthusiasm expressed with excessive exclamation points even in the middle of sentences, and the worst disguised self-insert character made them less literature and more litter, but to his surprise, they were… um… fascinating in the same fashion a loaded pegasus wagon full of explosives crashing to the ground was. After all, the end result was much the same, and you really were glad it happened to somepony else.

Just about at the time he was getting good and relaxed, a shadow fell over Dry Roast’s reading spot. He looked up to see the Royal Guard again, only this time the pegasus looked embarrassed and chastised, much like a little colt who had messed the bed.

“…” The guard’s voice was almost inaudible, with a pensive frown.

“Beg pardon?” asked Dry Roast almost automatically.

“I said, I’m sorry, and that I’m a….” The guard paused and chewed his bottom lip before fairly spitting out the next words. “…nattering numbskull.”

Dry Roast was not expecting that kind of a response. “Is that it?”

The guard fairly growled, “She said you had her royal command to order me to do one task.”

“Oh.” It took fairly little thought to add, “There’s a bunch of foam coffee cups over at her castle. Could you run them up to the Canterlot recycling center for me?”

The guard, obviously expecting something far more degrading and humiliating, nodded once. “Yes, sir?”

“That will be all.” Dry Roast waved a hoof in a motion of Royal Dismissal and returned to his reading. It took several pages while out in the warm sunshine, enjoying the even more beautiful afternoon, before he looked up and regarded the glittering castle. “You know, she’s not that bad, for a princess.”

After a little more reading, he went back into the house and came out with a piece of paper, which he taped to the side of the house, then regarded it with a critical eye to spelling before returning to his book. The words ‘Thank you!’ were in large enough letters to be read from the castle, if a telescope were used, and Dry Roast took the occasional glance at the sign while reading before eventually going to bed.

After all, he had to get up on time tomorrow. He had more training to do with his new employee.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

The next morning, Dry Roast felt almost comfortable with having Princess Luna show up a few minutes after he had unlocked the shop. He had assumed her work hours at the shop would be an imposition on her more important duties as a princess, but she shrugged and passed his concerns off with the explanation that there was a fairly boring lull around this time of night anyway, when all the day ponies had finally gone to bed and the morning ponies had not even heard the first bell of their alarm clocks.

In fact, while they stood at the coffee shop doorway and looked up at Canterlot, she waxed a little poetic about looking down from Canterlot into the silent darkness of Ponyville and seeing that one light of his store come on like a star, every morning without fail. She had a few odd ideas about what was causing it over the last two years, particularly since Twilight’s light in the library oak quite often had a similar light in it around the same time.

“Two lights who pass in a ship?” asked Dry Roast.

“You have to admit, you two make a cute couple,” said Luna.

“I don’t have to admit that,” said Dry, a little defensively.

Luna continued as if he had not objected at all. “One of the things Celly and I have done over the years is attempting to, I believe ‘poach’ is the word, each other’s coltfriends. My sister is presently without a male companion, so I was looking greatly forward to playing with Twilight Sparkle in that fashion.” She tapped a hoof on the ground and rolled her eyes. “Upon investigation, I found her sex life is the subject of much theory but extremely little physical evidence.”

Dry Roast rolled his eyes too, then froze up as the words percolated through his thick head. “You mean you were going to try to steal me away from Twilight, not that I’m with her, if we were dating, which we aren’t, right?”

Luna leaned over and sniffed slowly up his mane until she reached his twitching ears and whispered, “It is great sport.”

Trying to put forward an air of being offended without squeaking at the sensation of Luna’s cool breath against his ears, Dry Roast said, “I’m sure the hoofball feels the same at the end of the game.”

Luna drew back a little, but only so she could flick her eyelashes at him. “Tell me, kind sir. Doth your Princess of the Night not appeal to your masculine nature? Are you not pleasured by my presence and wish to—”

“You’re an employee!” he blurted out. “And… there’s no fraternization between employees. Or supervisors.”

“As Princess of the Night, I watch over all ponies,” said Luna in a soft, breathy voice. “Large and small, short and tall. If there is to be no frating between the watcher and the watched, and the watcher watches over all, whatever is she to do with her natural urges? Is she doomed never to feel the touch of a lover or the satisfaction of her desires?”

Then Luna shrugged, making her apron shift positions on her shoulders, before returning to her place by his side, looking up at the looming city on the mountain in silent contemplation.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

A sense of normality returned when the first customers began to show, as well as his morning temp, Sugar Lump. Of course normality was relative, when dawn approached and Luna turned into Princess Luna by the simple expedient of stripping out of her store apron in long, slow motions, hanging it on his horn while she strolled outside, then lowering the moon.

When she strolled back inside to where Sugar Lump and Dry Roast were standing in awestruck silence, she plucked the apron off Dry’s horn and began to wriggle back into it with far more excessive wasted motions than necessary. Dry was uncomfortably reminded of the Dressing Club he had attended in college, whistling along with his frat buddies while shouting “Put it on! Put it all on!” as young mares put on clothes on stage. It did not help things when Luna took her place behind the coffee machine again and regarded him from under lowered lashes.

“As you said, it is a part-time job, kind sir. In any case, it is a point of great mootness, since Princess Twilight Sparkle hath no feelings for you or your equipment other than this.” Luna tapped the coffee machine with one hoof. “As it is, I have a few questions about the proper usage of mine… equipment, good stallion. Many of the citizens hath requested ‘extra foam’ in their beverage, which is unfortunate, for I know not the mysteries of the device which causes the creamy whiteness to be whipped into a passionate froth. Could you show me again how to get a sufficient quantity of white froth from this piece of equipment?”

Dry Roast took a brief glance out into the main room, where several stallions and two mares were staring back with mixed expressions of terror and fascination. He swallowed and moved over next to Luna in order to lecture instead of panicking like he wanted, and kept his calm demeanor through the rest of the morning rush until Luna departed for her mountain home.

Sugar Lump moved up to stand beside him while they watched the lunar princess ascend until she was lost from sight. Then she sighed and brushed a lock of her tangled mane out of her eyes. “Boss, that was awesome.”

“Tell me about it,” said Dry, still a little rattled from the morning’s activity.

“So,” started Sugar Lump cautiously, “you’re hitting on both princesses?”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

He was just locking up the store and getting ready to go home when Rainbow Dash showed up, hovering overhead with crossed forelegs and a fierce scowl. It had been a very busy day, so Dry Roast tried his best to brush off the prickly pegasus to no avail.

“I’m sorry, Rainbow, but we’re closed. I was just going to run the leftover pastries over to Pinkie Pie—”

“Come on,” growled Rainbow Dash. “Spill it.”

“Spill what?” asked Dry. After all, there were a lot of things that could be spilled. Blood, for one. His, in particular.

“What you and Twi have been up to,” she snapped. “Yesterday, Twi came storming out to my favorite sleeping spot, kicked my cloud to pieces, and started ranting and raving about how I was in some sort of prank conspiracy with you to put a bag of coffee beans into her bedroom. It sounded like an awesome prank, but she got all huffy when I asked about the details and flew off. I was going to catch you at the gym yesterday, but I got caught up in practice. So, like I said.” Rainbow poked Dry Roast in the chest. “Spill it.”

“You’ll never believe me.” Dry Roast considered the situation. “But I know somepony you will.”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

At that late hour of the afternoon, the Ponyville market was nearly deserted, but Applejack was still puttering around the other stalls, helping farmers get their spaces cleaned up after the morning sales. Although her own wagon was already packed and ready to go, he had never seen the busy farm pony leave before offering all the help she was able. When Dry Roast strolled up with the box of leftover pastries he was intending on taking over to Sugarcube Corner, Applejack gave him a smile and promptly nosed one of the cinnamon-apple pastries out of the box.

“Thanks, Dry. That’ll hit the spot.”

He started to object when Rainbow Dash grabbed one too, but Pinkie Pie always had just exactly enough pastries of whatever kind to fill every last Meals on Wheels box, so he took one also, and Golden Harvest nabbed the last one, a carrot cookie of course.

“Service with a smile,” said Applejack through the crumbs. “And darned tootin’ good, too.”

“That’s just because those were your apples in there,” said Golden Harvest between bites.

“Make’s ‘em better,” said Applejack. “What can I do you for, Dry? Ah’m plum out of apples today.”

Rainbow Dash promptly interrupted with a spray of her own crumbs. “We want to know why Twilight’s being so weird lately.”

“Ah’m afraid you’re gonna have to be a little more specific there, sugarcube.” Applejack took her hat off and scratched at the back of her head while most certainly not-looking at Dry Roast, which made him speak up quickly before any misconceptions could start.

“Twilight Sparkle seems to think that Rainbow was involved in some sort of prank that wound up with a big bag of coffee beans being left in her bed.”

“Oh, that.” Applejack put her hat back on. “Ah’m afraid that’s my doing, RD.”

“Really?” Rainbow Dash floated up a few yards off the ground and scowled. “No way. You’re just an amatuer. It takes a real pro to prank Twilight like that. She yelled at me for a good five minutes. What did you do, really?”

Applejack held up a hoof. “Honest, RD. I’m responsible for the bag of beans.” She paused with a small smile beginning to creep onto her face. “Although Dry helped.”

“Not intentionally,” said Dry Roast.

“Really?” Rainbow Dash landed in front of her friend and nodded. “Come on, tell!”

“Well, since Twilight is spilling the beans all over town, I guess I can.” Applejack settled back in a relaxed posture of storytelling. “It all started yesterday morning when I found Dry there in bed with Twilight Sparkle.”

Dry Roast blew out some crumbs, while Golden Harvest choked a little on her cookie, but Applejack just kept going.

“They was all cuddled up there like two bugs in a rug with Twi having her legs wrapped around his—”

“Hey!”

“—neck all acquisitive like, a lot like that one day she got the new Daring Do book and wouldn’t let go of it for days.”

Dry interrupted before the story could get out of control. “She was sleepwalking. She chained herself to her bed and dragged it down to my store!”

Rainbow Dash frowned with unaccustomed thought. “Couldn’t you have just taken her back to your place? I mean if you wanted to chain her to the bed—”

“I didn’t chain her to the bed,” said Dry just as calmly as he could. “She did.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not the way it’s supposed to work,” said Rainbow Dash, which set Dry Roast sputtering again.

“Are you done?” asked Applejack.

Rainbow Dash paused, then nodded. “Yeah, I suppose. Go on.”

“Anyhow, I rescued the good Prince from severe snuggling by swapping a bag of beans for him, and the two of us dragged her bed back to the castle.” Applejack shrugged. “He didn’t even stick around in Twi’s bedroom to help put things back. Just lit out of there like a rocket an’ got lost on the way back to the front door, so I don’t think he’s been over to her boo-dwah before.”

“Thank you,” said Dry Roast before turning to Rainbow Dash. “Happy?”

The pegasus replied with a fierce frown and a sulky-sounding, “You could have woke me up.”

“It were a couple minutes after dawn,” said Applejack. “We couldn’t a woke you up with a pin.”

Golden Harvest abruptly spoke up. “So how long have you been sleeping with Twilight Sparkle?”

“About twenty minutes,” spluttered Dry Roast. “Maybe fifteen.”

“Was there any kissing?” she asked. “Because I bought a ticket from Lyra for the pool, and—”

Dry Roast did not care to hear the rest and stalked away, leaving the three mares behind to chat and conspire behind his back.

At least tomorrow was his day off, and he would not have to deal with it.

8. Rise and Grind

Her Royal Morning Coffee
Rise and Grind

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

Dry Roast always woke up slower on days where he did not have to go to work. Sugar Lump was covering the morning, which after a little bit of drowsy consideration made him wonder if Twilight Sparkle had ever visited during her solo shift before. If so, she had never said anything or given any indication of it, and Sugar was about as ‘normal’ a pony as Ponyville had, so…

Pulling the sheets a little more over his head to block out the bright sparkling light from the window, Dry Roast took a deep breath and relished the smell of fresh bedding. His little brother must have made a trip to the laundromat, which was a little odd because his turn on the chore sheet to do laundry was next week, but maybe he had some young chick coming over in the evenings.

Rain Check was a nice kid. Since their work and sleep schedules were reversed, Dry Roast almost never saw his little brother for weeks at a time except for notes on the icebox and the occasional time when he would drop by the shop on the way to work. ‘Check’ as he hated to be called, was the low buffalo on the totem pole at work, and as such he always got the task of picking up coffee for Filthy Rich’s staff meetings, which worked out well too since Dry had given him an employee’s discount out of nepotism. After all, his parents were still a little worried that their ‘Little Checkie’ was all the way out in Ponyville without their benevolent guidance. Having a few extra contacts with his little brother made it easier to have details when he wrote home other than “I think Rain Check is still breathing because the grapes keep vanishing out of the icebox.”

In any case, he was family, and good to have around.

The glitter of the morning sun drifting over his sheet-covered slumber spot was bothering Dry Roast, though. Normally he kept his curtains closed, and the only glitter in his room was a suncatcher hanging on the balcony window. That, and it seemed to be warmer than usual in bed this morning, with a faint hint of jasmine in the air. A series of unconnected sensory impressions condensed into an awareness of a warm body within touching range in the bed.

A bed that was not his.

Admittedly, it was as large as Dry Roast’s princess-sized bed, as well as comfortable and spacious, but his princess-sized bed was not sitting in Princess Twilight Sparkle’s bedroom, with Princess Twilight Sparkle’s Starswirl The Bearded sheets, and with a very real Princess Twilight Sparkle curled up on the other side.
Dry Roast opened one eye the rest of the way, studied the way the light of the breaking dawn filtered through the walls of her crystal castle to cast her bed-headed and rumpled form into dramatic morning glow…

Then he began to plan his escape.

First, he slowly slithered in the opposite direction of Twilight, much like a snake would slip across the bed, down onto the floor, and pausing for a long moment to control his breathing. Despite moving his hooves as quietly as possible on the hard crystal floor, every motion sounded much like a berserk tap dancer to his sensitive ears. It took a few minutes, but Dry Roast did not even begin to relax until after he made it to the hallway unscathed, and even then he could see a major problem.

If you go out there now in the light of day without a witness, somepony will see you. They will talk to Twilight Sparkle. She will want to know what you were doing in her castle. You cannot lie worth a darn and you won’t have Applejack to testify in your defense. You will be arrested for trespassing, stalking, and anything else the Royal Guard can think up. Princess Celestia will conduct the trial, and most likely the execution afterward.

Trying to explain his nocturnal wanderings as sleepwalking would most likely fall upon deaf ears, because he had not done that since he was a little colt and wet the bed. Dry’s beans were most certainly going to get burnt, unless…

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

Dry Roast had some experience with the difficulties involved in remodeling from getting Java Le Choza ready for the first day of business, but Twilight Sparkle’s kitchen must have made his expenses look like loose change. Water lines, power cables and sewage pipes all had to be cut through the thick organic crystal, as well as the ventilation for the stove in order to install modern appliances.

It had been a very busy few weeks for everypony back when the huge castle had just popped up out of nowhere. It had been twice as hectic for Dry Roast, between Twilight’s early visits to the shop and the constant demands for coffee from all of the contractor workponies at the castle. Still, he had managed to survive his end of the chaos with what few scraps of sanity he had still intact, and the contractors had produced a modern castle kitchen that could have doubled as a work of art.

Dry Roast was still a little miffed at having slept through Tirek’s visit.

Making himself at home behind the kitchen counter and digging through the meticulously labeled shelves, Dry mixed up some pancake batter and got out the haycon, as well as plates, silverware, emerald sprinkles for Spike. Then, of course, he nursed the battered coffeemaker into operation and was pleased that it was perking happily away by the time the dragon in question came into the room, still rubbing his eyes.

“What’s going on?” asked Spike with a yawn.

“Breakfast,” announced Dry. “It’s my day off. I woke up early and since I’ve been causing Twilight so much trouble lately, I thought I should do something nice for her. So, breakfast.”

For a sleepy dragon, Spike had quite a tone of skeptical disbelief. “Uh-huh.”

“So, how many emerald sprinkles do you want on your pancakes?” countered Dry Roast.

Spike perked up. “Lots!”

It was a little different with a customer base of one and no worrying about a menu. To tell the truth, it was kind of fun. Dry Roast got the feeling that Twilight Sparkle did not pamper her dragon enough, and that in fact she treated Spike a lot like ‘her dragon’ instead of the fun-loving kid that he really was. He enjoyed a few extra shakes of emerald sprinkles on his blueberry pancakes, showed Dry where the haycon press was for the best crispy results of frying, and exchanged a few short stories about Twilight and her friends. Spike was just getting into the details about one of her more explosive exploits when they both heard the shuffle of an alicorn working her way down the hallway to the kitchen on autopilot. It triggered two immediate responses.

Spike quit talking with his mouth full of pancakes.

Dry Roast moved over to the coffee percolator.

Thankfully, one of the large foam cups had been missed by the Royal Guard’s recycling trip, thus allowing Dry to pour, mix, and create in a semi-familiar environment. He had to use several of the little spells he had developed instead of the more efficient frappuccino module on his coffee machine back at the shop, but he compensated by adding more cream and chocolate syrup. Two fresh blueberry pancakes, a strip of crispy haycon that he had managed to keep back from both of their snacking urges, and a full foam cup of coffee later, he turned around to greet the Princess of Friendship.

Then after another minute of waiting, Twilight staggered slowly into the kitchen more or less by Braille, thumping and thudding on her scent-driven path to the coffee pot.

“Good morning, Twilight,” said Spike once he had swallowed the last of his pancakes. “So glad you’re finally up. Mister Roast is making breakfast for us this morning since—”

Princess Twilight Sparkle scooped the cup of coffee out of Dry Roast’s magical grip with such force that she could have taken a hoof off if he had been holding it any other way. After taking a deep sniff, she leaned into her first sip of the morning, making Dry suddenly realize just what was coming next.

Her lips were as hot as flames, and nearly as hot as the open range that he inadvertently backed up into during the kiss. He barely had enough sense to drop the plate full of pancakes down on the table, and no sense at all when Her Highness’ eyes opened.

She froze in place, which was not the optimal situation for Dry Roast’s mind or his rump, still pressed against the hot stove. Then Princess Twilight Sparkle vanished with a faint squeak and a bright flash of light that singed his nose. The coffee continued to hover next to where she had been, then started floating and bumping across the room in pursuit of its controlling alicorn, vanishing out of the room and leaving him alone with Spike again.

“Yes!” declared Spike with an enthusiastic fist-pump. “I win the pool!”

After putting a cool wet washcloth on his singed rear, Dry Roast hesitantly said, “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.”

“Naaa, she’s just a slow waker-upper,” said Spike in a dismissive manner even while the echoes of a bellowing alicorn shook the walls and made the crystal chandelier in the kitchen jingle. He checked the time on the kitchen clock and scribbled a note. “Can you deliver this to Lyra for me? I’m going to run those pancakes up to Twilight and see if I can calm her down.”

Something deep inside the castle rumbled and the windows rattled, making Dry Roast quickly turn off the gas range and check for a nearby fire extinguisher. There were three in the small room, which only made him a little more nervous. He scooped the last pancake off the griddle and added it to the Sacrificial Offering to Aggravated Alicorns, sprinkled it with a few colorful sugar sprinkles, and poured far too much maple syrup over them all, just in case it was needed to save his life. “Should I run?”

Another bellow in the distance was heard, only this one had a few words in it. “…uncultured, rude, arrogant…”

“Naa, just walk,” said Spike, picking up the plate of pancakes and heading for the kitchen door. “You’re fine.”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

Even with that reassurance, Dry Roast sped up his departing pace until he felt a little like he was running away. Which he was not. Really. It was just a fast walk, although his route home was interrupted by the local mailmare who gave him his morning mail, a change of address card, and a wink. He stopped by the park where Lyra was busking as usual, dropped off the note without waiting for her predictably snarky response, finished off his own coffee, and went home.

Inside, his little brother was finishing up the last of a late breakfast at their kitchen table. Dry waved a hoof and relaxed a little with the proximity of his family, giving a short yawn and saying, “Hey, Check. Back from your training, I see.”

“Can’t fool you for a minute, bro.” Rain Check gave a matching yawn, covered only partially with an extended wing. “A highly successful two glorious weeks of corporate policy and sales techniques learned on my way to a high-paid career in upper management in the Bargain Barn Emporium network.”

“There’s always the Cloudsdale Weather Factory if you want upper management,” said Dry.

“Not that upper. Filthy Rich is a wonderful boss and I intend on working for the Bargain Barn chain of stores for the foreseeable future.” The young pegasus smirked and raised his glass of orange juice as a salute. “So, I hear you’re shooting a little high too, bro.”

In a rush, Dry Roast immediately jumped to counter his claim. “You heard wrong. Princess Twilight is just a customer. There’s nothing sexual going on between us. In bed. At the castle. I just left. After breakfast. But not in her bed where I woke up.”

Rain Check looked positively baffled. “I just heard that Princess Luna dropped by your store.” He pushed over a newspaper from Canterlot with a second page article about Luna making a Ponyville visit and returning with a coffee from a store there.

It was a comfort, because if there were rumors outside of Ponyville, Rain Check would be the first to know. “Whew. A few more snobby Canterlot unicorns dropping by Ponyville to daytrip won’t be too bad.”

Rain Check only paused, raising one eyebrow and tapping a hoof on the table.

“So, do we need any more groceries?” asked Dry Roast, going over to the cabinets and rummaging through them. “Since I took today off, I can drop by the market and pick up some. A few apples, maybe some pears. We’re almost out of oats.”

“And excuses,” said Rain Check. He kicked a chair across the floor and over to his big brother. “Come on, bro. Spill it.”

Admittedly, Dry Roast was not all that interested in telling his blabby baby brother about what had been going on in his life lately, but if he did not, the entire Ponyville area would ‘enlighten’ him with wild rumors of their own. It seemed to be a fairly simple misconception to clear up, so he detailed the events of the last few days, with a few edits. Then, after a little consideration, went back and told Rain Check about his experiences with Twilight Sparkle over the last two years and the legal opinion of their brother Bud in regards to his fate.

“I can’t believe it,” said Rain Check, shaking his head.

“You’re about the only one in town, then,” said Dry.

“No, I mean about this going on for over a year! You told Bud. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”

“I didn’t tell Bud until a few days ago, because he’s a lawyer, so he can keep his big trap shut. Five minutes after I would have told you, everypony would know, including Mom and Dad.”

“No, I wouldn’t tell.” Rain Check paused with his hoof held over his chest. “Not everypony.” He settled back down into his chair with a flick of his wings and a thoughtful look. “Not Mom or Dad either. They’d freak. So what are you going to do?”

“Nothing,” declared Dry. “Absolutely nothing. Except maybe tie myself to my bed.”

Rain Check snorted. “Can’t believe you’re sleepwalking again.”

“And get a lock for the inside of my door, I guess,” said Dry.

Check added, “She can just teleport you to her bedroom whenever she wants your beans.”

Dry Roast rolled his eyes. “And clobber my little brother if he runs around spreading rumors.”

“Only truths.” Rain Check held up a hoof as if he were being sworn in. “You don’t really think you could be arrested for royal canoodling in the first degree, do you?”

It was worth some thought, but if so, Princess Luna would have said something. Unless she thought it would be funny. Or thought about sneaking into the jail cell with him.

He settled for a long sigh and a poignant, “I just don’t understand mares.”

There was a sharp knocking at the door and both stallions turned to look.

“Are you going to get that?” asked Rain Check. “I can try to come up with bail if they’re here to arrest you.”

Grumbling a little, Dry Roast trudged over the door, hesitated at the thought of who was probably on the other side due to the wingflaps he could hear, then opened it up anyway. Thankfully, it was just Rainbow Dash on the other side, but she seemed more than a little upset.

“I missed it again!” shouted Rainbow right into Dry Roast’s face. “Twi’s all stomping around her castle like some loose thundercloud because you went and kissed her in the kitchen, and I missed it!”

“I missed that particular detail about kissing in your description, bro.” Rain Check wandered over to the door and casually arranged himself where he could listen in to the conversation. “Go ahead.”

“You snooze, you lose?” said Dry with an increasing amount of uncertainty. “Besides, it doesn’t count. Legally.”

“Yeah, right,” muttered Rainbow Dash. “Well, I know how to keep an eye on you.”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

Rarity regarded Dry Roast with a certain skepticism that seemed to be contagious inside the boutique and among the three ponies present. “Let me get this straight, Rainbow Dash. You want to take Mister Roast with you to the Spring Flower Festival in Canterlot as your… date?”

“I’m having problems believing it too,” said Dry.

“Yeah, I’m awesome like that,” said Rainbow. “It’s the perfect solution. That way when he and Twilight suck face the next time, I’ll be there. I’ve already got a dozen or two snappy comebacks lined up for it.”

“The next time?” inquired Rarity with an innocent expression.

Rainbow waved a hoof in the general direction of the distant crystal castle. “Yeah, they were smooching it up in the castle kitchen. Spike won the pot.”

Rarity looked down and checked a note. “Oh, bother.”

“We were not ‘smooching it up,’ Rainbow,” protested Dry Roast. “We… Um… She woke up. Oh, and the pot is still in play. With somepony else! Not me!”

Rarity leaned forward and practically purred. “It must have been a considerable shock to her system to awaken with a handsome stallion on her lips.”

“It really wasn’t a calming event for me either,” said Dry somewhat defensively.

Rarity smiled and picked up her tape measure. “I’ll just need a few measurements for your outfit. Rainbow Dash, if you could allow us some privacy, please?”

The seamstress measured around a reluctant Dry Roast for a while after Rainbow left, and eventually spoke up after measuring the length of one of his long legs.

“What a tall, handsome fellow you are, Mister Roast. It is such a relief that Twilight finally has met her special somepony. For the longest time, we girls thought she was going to wind up aging all alone in that big empty castle with a dozen cats.”

Opal took that moment to meow at her from a nearby cushion.

“Oh, not you, Opalescence.” Rarity paused to look rather uncomfortably around the empty boutique while Dry Roast squirmed.

“I’m not her special somepony. I barely know her.” He lifted up a leg and allowed Rarity to check the fit of an ‘off-the-rack’ suit jacket which seemed suspiciously near his unusual size. “We have nothing in common and we’ve barely exchanged a dozen words that don’t involve coffee.”

“Give her time, Mister Roast. Our little Twilight Sparkle can be quite surprising at times. Just wait until you get to know her.”

Author's Note

Charles H: Lyra clearly has a vested interest in keeping the pool running. She'd have to dig up the principal to pay off the winner if it actually cleared. And although the fund has to be closer to funded now, than a few days ago - how much did she loan herself for tuition?
Me: Dry (with a long look) So Lyra, how exactly did you afford a three-story home in Ponyville with a hot tub, industrial kitchen, and five bedrooms on a musician's salary?
Lyra: Tips?

Tek's comments about Twilight being an old maid in a house full of cats
Tek: Dragons! :)
Me: Twilight! Ember laid another clutch! Where can we put these!

(on cats, that didn't get into the notes the first time)
Hey, there's an idea for the royal guard

Yeah, you could be like some old lady, sitting in front of the fireplace while petting her cats.
(cuts to Canterlot)
Celestia, sitting in front of the fireplace, stroking the guard's mane
"Um, ma'am? Princess? Excuse me?"

10. Good To The Last Drip

Her Royal Morning Coffee
Good To The Last Drip

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

A week going by without incident would normally have made Dry Roast’s nerves settle.

A week without a certain Princess Twilight Sparkle showing up in the darkest hour of the morning desiring coffee and a little sugar was not unprecedented over the last two years, although mostly corresponding to periods of time when she was gone with the rest of her friends off on some world-saving adventure. The group had left Ponyville for a few days in the middle of the hiatus, but the next twilight did not dawn with a Twilight arising over his shop, which he was a little grateful and possibly just a tiny bit regretful about.

That is not to say his mornings were princess-free.

Princess Luna had taken to her early morning ‘slumming’ with great enthusiasm and even greater skill, seeking out the mysteries surrounding each and every piece of equipment in the store and triumphing over their skillful use as if she were defeating fierce enemies of Equestria. In fact, she was a princess productively percolating perfect product every time. The complicated espresso machine met its match, the mixer which bucked and complained under his grasp purred like a moon-kitten whenever Luna touched it, and the oven had never produced finer pastries.

Even though most of what he sold came from somewhere else, that final step from field to customer was something Dry was very proud of. The little balls of frozen dough from Sugarcube Corner still made perfect morning baked treats long before the store which had originated them opened their doors. Golden Harvest’s carrot juice was good, but with just the right touches of herbs, spice, and heat, made happy smiles throughout the summer, and mixed with the right amount of hot chocolate in the winter, kept on giving joy. And what he could do with Applejack’s apple spiced cider was probably criminal.

The beans were the best. The official method of roasting beans for the Starbuckers franchise was just one step short of charcoal, followed by ten days in a degassing chamber to release all the carbon dioxide in the poor charred beans. That did not suit Dry Roast at all. He had played with the mixture and composition of coffee beans for nearly twenty years so far, ever since he got his cutie mark helping his chemist father with the morning coffee.

He still did not use timers or thermometers to judge when the beans had reached their perfect stage. It was just a combination of touch and scent and instinct and listening for the sounds of popping to slow, sometimes driving him across the shop in the middle of an order to grab the hot beans out of the roaster with a simple spell to degass them, then feed the still toasty beans right into the grinder. His ultimate goal was to finish the process just when the bell over the front door rang, so when that customer took her first sip and gave him a smile, it would leave him with a warm sensation under his ribs for hours. It was the one aspect of coffee-making that Princess Luna struggled with, although she constantly improved under his close tutelage.

This morning, he had everything perking and cooking under Luna’s expert supervision before his scheduled departure for the mechanical exposition in Coltana Falls. It left him enough time to prepare a morning coffee for each of his traveling companions, plus enough time for Luna to scramble his thought processes in an unexpected way.

“Fare thee well, sweet prince,” said Luna once Dry picked up the traveling carrier for the coffees and crumpets. “Your quest to return with a suitable, how you say, conical burr grinder for your establishment shall be a success, for you carry with you the favor of your Princess of the Night.”

That was all the warning he got before Luna kissed him.

Once his mind slowly cleared, Dry Roast came to the conclusion that Twilight Sparkle had a lot to learn about… that. Her prospective teacher had turned away and was floating a tray of crullers out of the oven, whistling a little happy tune with her tail swishing behind her. Dry Roast took a few deep breaths while the fizzing neurons in his brain finished their lightning storm, but before he could speak, Luna turned and wordlessly pointed to the door.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

“I will never understand mares.”

Applejack and Pinkie Pie gave Dry Roast similar perplexed looks while they boarded the train which was to take them all to Coltana Falls, although Pinkie Pie shook it off first with a giggle.

“So is this about Twilight coming by your shop in the morning to give you hugs and kissies, Dry? Because she’s been acting awfully strange this week.”

“Ah suppose you’re the expert on strange behaviour, Pinkie,” said Applejack. “Ah was just thinkin’ things were gettin’ back to normal, for a change.”

“Luna kissed me,” said Dry Roast. He gave the stunned mares a brief glance before floating the coffees he had brought over, one coal black with a tiny squirt of apple syrup and one apple/marshmallow/maple syrup with a tiny squirt of coffee, then sat down with a thud on the train bench. “That’s not normal. She said earlier how she and Celestia used to poach each other’s romantic interests and how she was looking forward to doing that with Twilight, but…”

“On the lips or on the cheek?” asked Applejack, holding her coffee with no indication of drinking until certain more important informational activities were taken care of.

“Right square on the lips. And some more. I think. I wasn’t really thinking straight,” said Dry.

“Do you think she’s trying to make Twilight jealous?” asked Pinkie Pie.

“Think?” Dry Roast took a sip of his own coffee, flavored with pumpkin spice and maple syrup. “I quit thinking over a year ago.”

“That would be back when Twilight first started locking lips with you at the coffee shop.” Applejack pursed her lips in a deep thought that Dry Roast was justifiably afraid of where it might lead. “Begging your pardon, Dry, but I never took you for no prince.”

Dry Roast took another drink and wondered if the bar car would add a little something to his coffee so his hyperactive brain would calm down a little. “I think… Luna’s teasing?” said Dry, with as much sincerity as he could muster, which could have been measured with a teaspoon. “There’s no scandal to worry about, because she knows I won’t freak out and run to the newspapers, and… she’s a stinker like Rainbow Dash.”

Pinkie Pie giggled. “Rainbow Dash and I need to take her out pranking sometime.”

Both Dry Roast and Applejack looked at Pinkie, then each simultaneously moved just a little bit away from her, in case it was contagious. “Anyway,” continued Dry Roast, “Luna’s just being silly, and Twilight’s just sleepwalking. I really need to get away from it all, and this trip will be just what my mind needed. You two don’t want my lips, you just want me for the rest of my body, in particular, my ability to help pick out your purchases and my muscles to help carry them back to Ponyville.”

“Don’t forget yer fine sense of taste,” said Applejack before finishing off her coffee.

“Nopony else makes a marshmallow-syrup-coffee flurry like you,” said Pinkie Pie. She proceeded to bury her nose in her cup and make bubbles before slurping the sugary mess up and swallowing it all in one gulp.

Dry Roast chuckled and took a measured sip of his own coffee. “Thanks, girls. A whole day away from Ponyville and no princesses to raise my stress level.”

The train gave a chuffing cough and began to move, although there was a distant “Wait…” coming from outside almost drowned out by the noise. Then there was a sharp ‘pomph!’ that was not, because it corresponded to the abrupt arrival by teleportation of Ponyville’s newest princess and her dragon, both of whom wound up landing right on top of Dry Roast.

To his professional credit, Dry Roast managed to save his coffee during the impact, even though Twilight Sparkle was nearly nose-to-nose with him. Also to his credit, he did not use profanity in front of the youthful dragon, even when Twilight managed to step on something near and dear to him while scrambling to her hooves and moving away. He did roll over onto his belly afterward, because he was not certain if he was bleeding, but if he was, it wasn’t serious, and he certainly did not need his battle wounds inspected by a young dragon or a crazy princess.

“I’m sorry, Mister Roast,” babbled Twilight Sparkle once she had gotten her hooves under her and not on him. “It’s just the percolator broke—”

“Again,” said Spike.

“—again,” admitted Twilight. “Although they shouldn't be that flimsy and Rich’s Bargain Barn doesn’t carry anything tougher, so I thought I could go along with Applejack and Pinkie Pie on their hardware buying trip and save you the prince of the… I mean price of the tickets but you’re already on the train and it’s moving…”

“I wonder if I’d get killed if I jumped off the train at this speed,” mused Dry Roast, a little louder than he had planned.

Pinkie giggled and gave Twilight a hug, and then one for Spike. “Oh, this is just great! Dry was just telling us how Princess Luna kissed him before he left and now you can give him a kiss and we can compare how good a kissers each of you are.”

“Maybe if I tried to hit the ground running,” said Dry.

Applejack pushed her hat back on her head and nodded at where Dry Roast was sprawled out on the floor. “Well, he did say Princess Luna was a gonna try poaching him away from you, Twi, so maybe you two should practice them kisses a little so you can put up a good fight for yer stallion.”

“I could try to land head-first,” mused Dry. “That should snap my neck and keep me from feeling pain.”

“I’m not doing any kissing!” protested Twilight Sparkle. She took a long drink from her appropriated foam coffee cup and scowled viciously at Applejack. “I have no romantic interests in—” her gaze flickered over to Dry Roast, still sprawled out on the floor with his rump in the air “—him at all.”

“You could have fooled me last week,” said Spike. “The two of you were pretty locked together by the lips in the kitchen.” He lowered his voice to a grumble. “Even if it was disqualified from the pool.”

“It was an involuntary reflex, most probably caused by changeling mental influence,” protested Twilight. “In him. Not me. I’ve scanned my brain at least seven times now, and there’s nothing there!”

Dry Roast kept his mouth shut, as did the rest of Twilight’s friends, although he had the misfortune of snorting just loud enough for her to hear. Ever so slowly, the Princess of Friendship turned toward him and regarded his position with a scowl. She took another long drink of coffee and snapped, “What’s so funny?”

“Two things,” said Dry Roast. “One, that the Princess of Friendship and Smiles can be such a—” he hesitated with his word choice due to Spike’s nearness “—pain in the flank without her coffee.”

“I’ve got my coffee. I’m fine,” snapped Twilight, taking another drink and finishing it off. “What’s the second thing?”

“That’s my coffee. Or that was my coffee.”

There was a certain element of humor in seeing Twilight Sparkle with her mouth open but no words coming out. After a moment, she closed her mouth, regarded the empty foam ‘Java la Choza’ coffee container with a certain degree of repressed indignation, and placed it down on the bench with a hollow thunk. “No wonder it tasted so bad,” she grumbled.

“Sorry, Your Highness,” said Dry with as much of a bow as he could while belly-down on the floor of the train car. “You could have always brought your own.”

“I wanted to stop by Sugarcube Corner on our way, but somepony had to check their checklist a fourth time to make sure they hadn’t forgotten anything, and forgot to check the departure time of the train,” said Spike, sounding a little vindictive.

“I told you I was sorry, Spike,” said Twilight, not sounding very sorry at all.

“So what happened to your percolator at the castle, Twi?” Applejack scooted a little over on her bench so Twilight would have space to sit down, which she did. There was a corresponding empty spot beside Pinkie Pie which Dry Roast had thought about occupying, but decided his present position on the floor was far more defensible. Besides, Spike shot him a glance seeming to ask permission to be seated there, which Dry confirmed with a nod.

“It broke,” said Twilight.

Spike cleared his throat. “You taught me not to use passive voice when taking the blame for something.”

“Somepony broke it,” said Twilight, which was not much of an improvement.

“There’s only one pony living in your castle, Twilight,” said Pinkie Pie. “Unless you have a dark pony made of shadow like the one at the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters, or you’re secretly hiding a little cousin who isn’t really your cousin but a pony made out of dark magic and a blood sample and brought to life by a bunch of creepy cultists out in the Everfree—”

“It wasn’t me,” snapped Twilight. “It just… broke.”

“The basket holding the grounds snapped off,” said Spike. “Four mornings in a row. She tried to fix it but the fixing spell doesn’t work if things are broken too many times and then she tried to brew coffee while holding the whole thing together in her magic and…” He mimed an explosion, and from the way he was wiggling his fingers, fire. It seemed to be a familiar motion for Spike.

Dry really wanted to keep quiet, but could not hold it in. “Spike, do you load up the percolator the night before so all you have to do in the morning is push a button?”

“Yeah.” The little dragon looked somewhat confused. “Is that bad?”

Suppressing his alchemy training, which could have detailed for several hours just why that was bad, Dry simply nodded. “All of the ‘coffee smell’ gets away. It dries out the grounds and makes the morning coffee not taste quite as good. Apparently also,” he added with a sideways glance at Twilight, “it can leave a scent trail which leads sleepwalking princesses to graze on the coffee grounds.”

“That’s a lie!” snapped Twilight, rising to her hooves and glaring down at Dry Roast as if she wanted to use him as a rug. “Any evidence to the contrary is obviously forged by clever photographic techniques and…” She trailed off at the looks the rest of her friends were giving her, scowled again at Dry Roast, then sat down with a grumpy frown. “I disproved that theory completely, years ago,” she added in a low growl.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

It was just more comfortable for Dry Roast to take a seat at the other end of the train car, particularly after making a trip to the dining car and finding out all they had was instant coffee, the anti-coffee of the coffee world. He settled into his bench with a mystery novel he had read several times already, which did not make it much of a mystery, but still a better option than sitting next to the simmering princess while waiting for the inevitable brew-up.

He had just gotten to the point in his book where the hero on the train car was ambushed by the masked killer when Spike tapped him on the shoulder. Thankfully, Twilight had already drank all of his coffee, or it would have gone flying farther than the book did.

“What! Um… I mean, what is it, Spike?” Dry Roast smoothed out the book and tried to unwrinkle the pages so when his brother Rain Check brought it back to the castle library, he would not face the wrath of a frustrated librarian.

“We’re almost there, but Twilight’s being Twilight and not wanting to talk to you about shopping for a new percolator, so I thought I’d come over and ask for some pointers.” The little dragon produced a notebook and a quill, and nodded.

“Oh. That’s pretty smart.” Dry Roast ran a hoof through his mane and thought briefly. “You know, if I was an evil coffee fiend, I’d help you pick out the worst coffeemaker in Equestria so Princess Twilight Sparkle would be forced to come to my lair, hehahahaha.”

Spike raised an eyebrow ridge. “That’s not a very evil laugh.”

“You are asking me to help buy something that will cut into my sales,” countered Dry Roast.

“You know,” said Spike, tapping his quill against the notebook. “I don’t think Shining Armor knows all the specific details about—”

“You need something sturdy and foolproof,” said Dry rather quickly. “With a sealed reservoir for the grounds and one for the water. I don’t suppose she has a regular waking time to set a timer.”

“Depends on how much she’s studying the night before,” said Spike with a shrug as he wrote. “Or how much coffee she’s had in the middle of her study session.” He paused. “Or I suppose if she’s made a late-night trip to your store.”

“Mgmumph,” said Dry Roast, trying not to sound sullen. “One-button operation, rapid production of the product, and being able to lock the coffee grounds basket would be a bonus. I’d get her a syrup selection to go with it, mostly chocolate. Get a refill on chocolate syrup. Better get two if Pinkie Pie has access to your kitchen. Don’t worry about a foamer, because she dislikes too much foam. Sprinkles, but not the mint kind. Birthday sugar multicolor sprinkletts, if they have them. Some apple syrup, but just a little because Applejack pretends not to like anything in her coffee, so put just part of a squirt in, and sometimes Twilight wants a little apple flavor in hers too, but mostly in the Fall.” Dry Roast licked his lips, remembering the sweet taste of chocolate mixed with coffee and apple syrup during a particularly memorable kiss. Fall was nice.

After writing a few more quick lines, Spike looked over his list and asked, “How about something for Rarity?”

“You’d need a whole frappuccino machine for that, Spike, because the white chocolate kind she likes is really difficult to make.” He patted the little dragon on the head. “Tell you what. I’ll let you come by the store sometime and I’ll show you how to work the machine. If you get good enough at it and you still want one, you can get your own, but if you just want to use the store’s equipment for special occasions, you’ll get a far richer taste and better response.”

Spike licked his lips, and somehow Dry Roast did not think he was considering the taste of a frappuccino.

11. You Can’t Buy Happiness But You Can Buy Coffee

Her Royal Morning Coffee
You Can’t Buy Happiness But You Can Buy Coffee

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

ex·po·si·tion
ˌekspəˈziSH(ə)n/
noun
1. a large public exhibition of art or trade goods.
synonyms: exhibition, fair, trade fair, trade show, show, expo, display, presentation, demonstration, exhibit (See the yearly Coltana Falls Equipment Extravaganza)

There were enough gadgets, gizmos, widgets and devices of all kinds at the Coltana Expo to keep a mechanic busy for the rest of his life just shopping for replacement parts. Pinkie Pie was the easiest to shop with because she spotted the oven she wanted the minute they walked into the Griffonware area and had it paid for and arranged shipping so quickly the griffon in charge of the booth did not even have the chance to run the price up. Applejack was content to stroll the rows of agricultural product booths with the air of somepony looking for something they did not know what it looked like, or where it was, or how much it cost, but when she saw it, she would know. Dry Roast shopped along at this end of the expo with Applejack for a while, just enjoying the carnival atmosphere of the place and the relaxation of having Twilight Sparkle at the other end. Of the expo, that is.
(Get your mind out of the gutter.)

He was just considering wandering over to the industrial dishwasher section when a panting Spike came running up to him with a brochure clutched in one fist.

“Hey. Dry. Got. A question.” The breathless dragon handed the coffeemaker brochure over and Dry Roast took it in his magic to read. “Have you ever heard of that?”

“Not… that I know of,” said Dry, flipping through the brochure. “Looks Chineighese, but that’s not really a plus or minus. So what’s the catch?”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

“Step right up, stallions and ladies, for the most amazing bargain of all times.” A yellow unicorn with the majestic mustache patted the coffee maker on the table and rattled on with his patter, detailing all of the fantastic features and options this modern marvel had all at the low, low base price of a number far greater than Dry Roast had considered paying for something to go into a house. It all certainly sounded legitimate, with Flim, the unicorn without the mustache, rattling through the sales pitch while Flam floated out little samples of the coffee to the audience. He could even see Princess Twilight Sparkle in the front row, sipping on a sample coffee while considering the expensive machine which made it.

“So, what gives?” asked Dry Roast.

The little dragon just stared back up at him and crossed his arms. “Something stinks here, and Twilight won’t listen to me. It’s gotta be a scam if Flim and Flam are in on it.”

“It’s just a coffee maker, Spike.” Dry Roast squinted at the stack of cheerful boxes with bright lettering and Neighponese writing. “Or maybe a toaster, I think. An oven?” He worked his way up to the front of the crowd and regarded the display machine with the empty percolator pot alongside the rest of the crowd of ponies holding empty foam cups. “How does it work?”

“Quite well indeed, good sir,” announced the salespony, rattling into a practiced patter singing praises to the somewhat cheap looking machine with the large price tag. It had a hopper to put in fresh beans that would be automatically and magically roasted before being ground and filtered through the water from an included reservoir, making the entire process a simple one-button operation. Their demonstration of the machine was an impressive display with flying coffee beans, a snappy musical number, and ended with a line in front of the pile of boxes where happy customers slapped down piles of bits for a box or twelve of coffee maker parts and accessories. Dry Roast sipped on the sample cup of coffee and appreciated the delicate taste of hazelnut roast, flavored and brewed just as well as any of the Starbuckers franchises could do.

Still, there was something off about it.

The machine just seemed too cheap and plastic to make coffee this good, and the longer he looked at it, and the more he sipped his coffee, the less he liked it. Matters only got worse when Princess Twilight Sparkle slipped up to his side and regarded him with a distasteful frown.

“I’m buying one,” she declared with a certain amount of venom. “With the… umm…” She waved a hoof at the accessories boxes.

“Chocolate pump, espresso attachment, the low-froth mixer, and a shaker of sprinkles,” he said abstractedly while still considering the machine. “You have to get the right beans to get a good dark roast without it tasting like charcoal, but I buy in bulk and can get you the brand and quality to make it dark as you want without the burnt flavor from Starbuckers…”

Dry paused, then lit his horn up and pushed the activation button on the display coffee maker even though there were no beans in the bin. It proceeded to whir and chirp with the most notably empty sound in the bean feeder and the roaster, but promptly began to stream coffee down into the glass carafe just as if it had been full of beans like the last time.

“Don’t touch the merchandise!” shouted one of the salesponies, moving aggressively toward Dry Roast until he spotted Princess Twilight by his side. Then his legs started moving backwards, seemingly without input from his mind. “Brother!” he called out. “It’s her.”

“More mooching buddies?” whispered Dry Roast into Twilight’s twitching ear.

“No!” she hissed back. “And how did you get the machine to make coffee without any beans?”

“That’s a good question.” Dry Roast looked up at the two cowering unicorns, who had their heads together and were whispering to each other. “Excuse me. I’d like to make a purchase.”

“Yes?” Both unicorns perked up, and Dry could feel the eyes of the crowd sweep over to him, much as if he were in a tennis game and it was his turn to volley.

“Of course. I run a coffee shop in Ponyville, and I would love to purchase—”

“One of our fine coffee makers,” purred the first salespony. “Of course you recognize the quality and—”

“No, I don’t,” said Dry Roast bluntly. “I want to purchase one of the containers you’re using to store your Starbuckers coffee in. It’s been several hours since the expo started, and it’s still just as fresh and hot as when you went to the Starbuckers franchise store and filled it up. I could use a few of those at the store for special occasions and parties.”

“Party!” declared Pinkie Pie, bounding up to one side of him and vaulting to the other in a burst of confetti. “Hi Dry. Hi Twi.” She giggled. “It’s twice as funny.”

“Hello, Pinkie Pie.” Twilight Sparkle wiped away a piece of confetti on her cheek. “Hang on just a moment. I think I know what Mister Roast is talking about.”

There was a brief flash of magic and the cover across the front of the table vanished, revealing four squat insulated containers each about the size of a large percolator, as well as long brown tubes connecting them to the coffee machine above. Over the growing muttering of watching ponies, some of whom had just put down quite a few bits for the box they were holding, Dry Roast said, “If they’re for sale, I’ll give you two hundred bits each for two of them.”

“And I’ll give you two hundred bits each for the other two,” chimed in Pinkie Pie. “If they can keep coffee fresh, they’re sure to be able to store hot chocolate in the winter.”

“Now just one minute,” said Flam. “Two hundred bits is a pittance for—” He paused, looked down at the revealed insulated containers, then the crowd of ponies holding the cheap cardboard boxes containing the ‘merchandise’ they had just purchased. “Cash,” he said.

“Bank draft,” said Dry Roast.

“And I think we need to set one of your real machines up for a test,” growled Twilight. “If you’ve been cheating these good ponies by selling them shoddy merchandise, you’re going to need to refund their bits.”

“All sales are final,” said Flim, who paused for a moment when Dry Roast climbed up on the stage and whispered in his ear. He abruptly turned a much paler shade of yellow and stammered out, “Without a receipt, of course.”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

Testing the machine was unexpectedly easy, mostly because Dry Roast did not have to do a thing. Twilight Sparkle handled the assembly by unpacking a fresh box and putting all the parts together in her magical field until the machine was sitting on the uncovered table, ready for operation. That is it would have been ready, if the water reservoir had not streamed its contents out of dozens of holes in the thin plastic, and the roaster caught the beans on fire almost at the moment the switch was thrown. Afterward, the line of returns proceeded along quite well under Twilight Sparkle’s fierce gaze and Pinkie Pie’s happy assistance while Dry Roast and Spike strolled away to check out the rest of the machinery for sale before the expo closed.

“What did you say to Flim that made him so nervous?” asked Spike once they had gotten out of earshot of Twilight.

“I helped my big brother study for the bar exam,” explained Dry Roast. “I got pretty good at the section on Grand Larceny, and the prison terms that go along with it.”

In the end, they found a reputable company with a nice, sturdy coffee maker which did not have all the bells and whistles of the industrial grade machine back at Java Le Choza, but it seemed strong enough to withstand a certain nocturnal alicorn’s feeding and watering habits. Dry Roast even found the conical burr grinder he was looking for, and before long, the expedition was over, and they were all headed home on the afternoon train.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

With the long train trip and the associated stress, Dry Roast slept like a log on the way back, although he was careful to set his three alarm clocks after retiring to his own bedroom for the late afternoon. It was going to be a short night and a considerable change to not have Princess Twilight Sparkle dropping by in the darkness for a morning coffee and some sugar any more, but as much as he thought about the concept, he could not determine if that was going to be a good or bad thing overall.

Contrary to his expectations, though, he was not awoken by his alarm clocks, but rather by his little brother barreling in through the doorway like his tail was on fire and grabbing onto his sleeping bigger brother with a crushing grip from all four legs and both wings.

“Dry! Wake up! I was just attacked!”

“Merglimph!” Dry fought away the tangled covers and lit up his horn to cast the small bedroom into a pale yellowish light. Rain Check looked incredibly rattled, which was not that much of a surprise to Dry Roast, because his little brother was the only pegasus he knew of who was afraid of thunder. Still, this was far more than a nighttime rumble or a case of Rainbow Dash seeing how close she could get to the house with the occasional bolt, because Check looked… strange.

“Rainy…” Dry Roast rubbed his eyes, but the odd appearance of his brother did not change. “Why is your ear all wet?”

“I don’t know!” Rain Check touched his ear with one hoof. “Am I bleeding? Am I going to die? Did I get bitten by a vampony? Am I going to stalk the night with an unending thirst for blood?”

“As long as it’s not coffee,” muttered Dry Roast while looking at the damp ear. “No, it’s just wet. What did you…” Stopping for a breath of air after hearing a quiet noise out in the hallway, Dry Roast called out, “Princess. Come in here please.”

There was some more quiet shuffling, but to his surprise, Princess Twilight Sparkle did not appear in Dry Roast’s doorway, looking sheepish and contrite over her unauthorized nocturnal expedition.

It was Luna.

“Beg pardon, Mister Roast,” she said in that rolling contralto voice that still brought goosebumps up the back of his neck when he least expected it. “I misjudged which window was yours.”

“Ahhh…” Dry flickered a glance down at his alarm clocks and poked the off buttons in quick succession. “That’s quite all right, Princ— I mean Luna. I was about to get up anyway. Um… What are you doing here?”

A small smile crept onto Luna’s face, tucking up the corners of her lips and bringing a mischievous sparkle to her eyes. “Why, thou didst call for me to enter thy bedchambers, good sir.” Those dangerous teal eyes swept over his little brother, and the Princess of the Night licked her lips.

“Princess Luna bit me on the ear,” whispered Rain Check, most probably loud enough for any passing pony on the street to hear. Then his expression changed rapidly, through realization and stunned shock before turning to his big brother. “How long has Princess Luna been sneaking into your bedroom to nibble on your ear?”

“Never,” said Dry Roast. “Well, other than this time. Which she’s not going to do again. Because it’s a little creepy. And you’re not going to talk about this to your little friends over at the store,” he ended with a serious glare at Rain Check, which probably would have been more serious if his supposedly adult little brother had not been wearing his Power Ponies pajamas. “And get out of my bed,” he added.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

The pitch-dark morning ritual Dry Roast had been going through for most of his self-employed life took on a slightly different urgency when the Princess of the Night was out in his kitchen chatting with his little brother while he was trying to speed his shower and teeth brushing. After all, Rain Check knew every embarrassing detail of his life with the perfect recall that was only possible from a pegasus with a cutie mark in keeping track of past transactions, and who owed what to whom.

After this morning, Dry Roast owed his little brother a lot more head-noogies and a few towel-snaps, for absolute certain.

He did not really relax until Luna was at his side, trotting through the empty town on the way to Java Le Choza, and even then he was only relatively relaxed. Discounting Twilight Sparkle for the moment, he was barely getting used to a princess showing up at work as an employee, but having one show up in his own home was… different. And doing what she did was… more different. What if she started to show up a little earlier, in order to do… other things in his bed before work? And worse, how in Equestria could he refuse her? And why would he want to?

“Pardon me, Dry.” Luna slowed her pace to a halt and just looked at him in that see-clear-through-to-the-other-side way that was so distracting. “I apologize for attempting to accelerate our relationship beyond the limits which you desire. It’s just that things were so boring this evening after Night Court let out and the supplicants went home. The castle is a quiet, peaceful place where I can be alone with my thoughts and my stars, but some of those thoughts are less than comforting.”

“So you decided to liven up your evening by sneaking into my bedroom and biting me on the ear,” said Dry Roast in what was most certainly not a question.

“It certainly enlivened your little brother’s evening,” said Luna with a giggle.

“And he’s going to tell everypony!” Dry Roast tried not to roll his eyes and more particularly, not to giggle at his memories of Rain Check’s expression. “You couldn't keep him from talking if you threatened to disembowel him with a dull spoon.”

“Is that a bad thing?” Luna lifted up one perfect eyebrow and put on a look of pure mischief. “If one is to become a princess’ lover, thou should expect a certain amount of gossip about your talents. Tell me, if it becomes commonly known that you hath both kissed fair Princess Twilight and myself, would you find the resulting attention unwelcome?”

It was a question from an angle he had not really considered before. Princess Luna certainly had not been reluctant to kiss him yesterday morning, and Princess Twilight was instigating the kisses, which could be testified to by a number of the coffee shop customers and Luna. In short, it was a question worthy of a lot of thought, and now that Princess Twilight Sparkle’s nighttime desires were being satisfied by a sturdy chunk of industrial machinery at her castle, it did leave Dry Roast’s dance card empty.

The problem was how to say it out loud.

After some time during their walk to think about it, two cups of freshly brewed coffee, and a short period of standing beside Luna in their favorite talking spot, it turned out to be not nearly as much of a problem as he had originally considered. The little nook just outside the front door of his coffee shop had always been a good spot for Dry to rest and think in the darkness before the dawn. While standing there with Luna, looking up at the stars and the silhouette of Canterlot against the dark sky, large problems tended to become very small problems indeed.

Luna, although she was a princess, was also a very clever and witty mare who he enjoyed being around. She had a depth of experience that made it a joy to just talk with her while standing out by the door to the shop, admiring the stars and counting the lights in distant Canterlot as early morning ponies began to rise. And in return, she enjoyed talking with him about life and how the world had changed during her imprisonment.

The topic of Nightmare Moon was a sensitive one, but with some patient questioning and a little humor, the suppressed floodgates of her emotional dam weakened enough to allow some of the pent-up pressure out. Mostly it was the cycle of fear which drove her, due to her fear that the ponies of Equestria would be afraid of her, which made her actions more awkward and uncomfortable, and only drove more ponies away. It had not helped her recovery from her time as Nightmare Moon, and only caused her to withdraw more into her sulking ways. And to his surprise, it had been the young ponies of Ponyville which helped break that cycle of fear.

“Pipsqueak?” Since it was nearly dawn and they had moved their pleasant conversation inside, Dry Roast finished carrying the morning beans from the roaster over to the brand new conical burr grinder while frowning in concentration. “I think that’s his name. He’s the cheeky little one who never can stay still. I’m always a little afraid of stepping on him when the kids are in the shop. We don’t get too much traffic from the school crowd in here except during winter when we have Hot Chocolate Wars with Sugarcube Corner.”

“He is a delightful little scamp with the most curious of dreams.” Luna lit up her horn briefly and put on an expression of thoughtful concentration. “And the most pleasant misinterpretations of the career of pirate. We love children. We can hardly wait until Cadence finishes her gestation and we get to play with her infant.” Luna sighed. “They are so adorable at that age.”

“I had to help change my little brother’s diapers,” cautioned Dry Roast. “They’re only adorable in brief bursts. Then they’re getting into your stamp collection or tearing the pages out of your books.”

It took a few moments behind the coffee machine to crank out a test cup of frappuccino, and one for Luna, of course, before they moved their conversation back to the front doorway of the shop. The stars were exceptionally bright, which he complimented her on, of course, and the coffee was very good, which he credited to the new grinder.

“I didst tell you, fair prince, that the favor of your Princess of the Night went with you on your noble quest.” Luna took another sip from her coffee, then leaned over and kissed him gently on the lips. “Such a success deserves a suitable reward.”

“Um…” Dry Roast was rather uncertainly getting used to coffee-flavored alicorn kisses of great intensity. This… was different. “Prin— Um, Luna.” He swallowed nervously. “I don’t think we should be kissing at the store.”

“Why?” Luna turned her head slightly, making the moonlight glitter off her mischievous eyes.

“Because I’m the owner and you’re an employee and it’s… Um…”

“Illegal?” asked Luna.

“I think so,” admitted Dry, although trying to figure out just how he could be accused of using his influence as the owner of a small coffee shop against the Princess of the Night in exchange for some sort of sexual favors.

“Really?” Luna flicked her lashes and shook her head with just the hint of a smile. “Well, I shall have to look into the proper judicial punishment for Mister and Missus Cake, for I did see both of them within their establishment several days ago, exchanging a most passionate kiss.”

“Oh, it doesn’t apply to them,” said Dry in a rush. “They’re marr—” His rebellious brain stopped Dry Roast's lips before the 'M' word could get all the way out and considered his path backwards through the verbal minefield he had just planted. Luna seemed to enjoy his befuddlement and blessed his cheek with a brief kiss.

“You are so sweet,” she cooed. “And a far better competitor than Shining Armor.”

“I wasn’t aware he was in a contest,” said Dry, suddenly remembering that astonishingly smug expression on the young stallion when he had last talked to him during the flower festival.

“You sound so much like Princess Cadence,” sighed Luna. “Shining Armor was most blind to my entries, pretending not to notice when I would touch him on the flank as I passed by, like this—” Luna’s soft body brushed up against Dry Roast “—or when I would flick him with my tail like this—” Once she had demonstrated the technique, Luna reached out with a wingtip “—or even—”

“I get the message!” said Dry Roast.

“But there is so much more,” insisted Luna, making Dry Roast hold his hooves over his ears.

“I don’t want to know,” he moaned. After a few moments of relative silence, he removed his hooves and looked at Luna, who was simply sitting in the darkness without saying a word.

“Okay,” he admitted. “I want to know. Why were you flirting with Princess Cadence’s fiancé? Did Cadence know?”

“Of course.” Luna had a near predatory purr to her voice. “If there is no chase, there is no joy in the capture. To the victor goes the spoils, and without a contest, there can be no victor.”

“It sounds a little… competitive” hazarded Dry.

“It is an alicorn tradition,” said Luna in a dismissive fashion. “When I returned to discover the young Princess Mi Amore Cadenza had a prospective suitor, and my dear sister was not providing the proper alicorn role model, I took it upon myself to educate her in the ways of our kind.”

Luna valued honesty, so Dry Roast decided to voice his opinion. “Are stallions just the prize in a carnival game?”

“Nay,” said Luna. “Only the most attractive stallion triggers the alicorn mating reflex, determined by the number and intensity of other mares’ desires for him. If she is to dominate the social structure, she must fight over their bodies—” Luna looked over at Dry “—metaphorical only, of course. Anyway, she must fight over all other mares for her stallion until she is victorious and takes him to breed.”

“Breed?” asked Dry weakly.

“Not in a metaphorical sense,” stated Luna. “Once the hormones get stirred up, it is a natural consequence. Observe how swiftly Princess Cadence did become with foal.”

Dry had to ask. “What about what you told me before, how you and Celestia used to compete for a mate?”

Luna waved a dismissive hoof. “She is much older now, and has become a dried up old prune.”

* * *

Celestia hobbled to the castle window and shook her cane at the ponies below. “Hey, you! Get off my lawn, you youngsters! No respect for the elderly. Don’t make me come down there and roust your lazy rumps! Get a job!”

Since the statues in the garden did not answer, she squinted up in the sky to lower the sun, then wheezed her way back to the bed. “Lousy kids,” she grumbled while putting her flowing mane wig on the bedstand and unclipping her similar artificial tail to be put next to it, allowing her own stubby bare tail to wiggle in the cool evening air. “No respect, I tell you.”

After putting her teeth in the bedside glass and dropping a cleansing tablet in to make the water froth, the Princess of the Setting Sun settled her old bones down in the bed and began petting her pets. “You still appreciate me, my dearies. As long as I put food in your bowls and give you a drink of water on occasion, that is. Come here. Yes, that’s it.”

Celestia settled down in bed, gently stroking the mane of the quiet Royal Guard while the second guard curled up around her legs and began to quietly whisper “Purr, purr” in as soft a voice as he could manage.

“That’s the ticket,” she murmured while drifting off to sleep.

* * *

Luna gave off a poignant sigh and leaned her head up against Dry Roast. “As much as I would like to see her once again pursue some young stud, her flames of desire have cooled into embers.” She shrugged. “It is probably for the best. She used to set them on fire with her kisses. Only slightly,” added Luna at Dry's wince.

Dry could not help but follow his mind further down the road he did not want to tread. “Did any of them survive the… breeding afterward?”

“What better way to go out? We received no complaints in that regard.” The faintest smile tugged at the corners of Luna’s lips while she looked at Dry Roast’s reaction. “Strange,” she remarked with those mischievous sparkles in her eyes again. “Shining Armor did look much like that when we told him of alicorn proclivities too. We feel it is only fair and proper to give you such an education as well.”

And quite an education it turned out to be. While the two of them stood out in the cool night air under the stars, Luna went into great detail about her futile effort to lure Shining Armor into her own embrace. When examined from a distance and with Luna’s mischievous approach, it seemed a lot like a cat toying with a mouse who refused to play, only with less chance of being eaten. It was a fascinating story with linked collections of anecdotes, and had been extremely frustrating for the elder princess until she had by chance discussed the ongoing attempts with Cadence and found out how wild it had made Shiny in private.

Luna spared no details of Cadence’s recitation.

They talked until the pinkish light of impending dawn began to light the sky and the sight of Applejack’s approaching cart heralded the first customer of the morning, making Dry Roast straighten up and stretch.

“Well, looks like the workday is about to begin for the both of us.” Dry Roast chuckled. “I just can’t help but think about Shining Armor. The poor guy.”

“Do not begrudge Princess Mi Amore Cadenza’s victory,” chided Luna. “She didst play her part with the greatest of skill. She deserves her prize, and we wish for their union to produce many more healthy offspring.” The Princess of the Night put on a most overdone pout. “Still, it was greatly disappointing. I did not even get to try him.”

“Better luck next time,” replied Dry Roast in a casual fashion before the words soaked in.

“Oh, I shall not rely on luck.” Luna gave him a sly smile and began strolling away toward the town center where she had been lowering the moon for the last few weeks. “Much as a spider, I have woven my web so there is no escape for my prey, and I intend on sucking him dry.”

Dry Roast stood in the doorway to his shop while trying to make sense of the conversation, and was still standing there when Applejack pulled her wagon up and shrugged out of the harness.

“Hi, Dry.” The farmer snickered. “You know, Pinkie was right. That is kinda funny.”

Dry Roast did not respond at once, and only blinked a few times when Applejack waved a hoof in front of his face. “Are you okay there, big guy?”

“Yeah,” said Dry. “I think I just saw a spider. I’ll be fine. Let me get your coffee.”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

The next several days passed far more uneventfully than Dry Roast expected, which was saying something for mornings where he was greeted by a waiting Equestrian Princess when he stepped out of his house and strode alongside her all the way to work. He kept looking for the hidden spider in their relationship, but could not find any, or webs either. Even Twilight Sparkle was keeping to her castle, although Spike dropped by on occasion during slow spots in order to get advice on how to best run their new coffee maker and pick up freshly roasted beans.

In short, Dry Roast’s world had become normal. Well, for a given Ponyville value of ‘normal.’

He still talked or walked around the darkened town with Luna for hours every morning before the first customer showed, but although she was playful, she did not kiss him any more, and he really did not have the nerve to attempt a kiss of his own. It was weird to think of ‘My friend, Luna’ while wondering where all of the frustrated passion she had displayed earlier was hiding. Maybe she was a trap door spider. Or maybe she just needed somepony to talk to without having them bang their forehead against the ground or cower in fear at her divine presence. In any case, it made a relaxed environment for them to get to know each other and laugh at each other’s stories.

Until the morning when Dry Roast was scheduled to go to Manehattan with Rarity.

Dry Roast should have known something was up. He had just given his last instructions to Luna and was feeling oddly uncomfortable allowing her to run the coffee shop for an entire day by herself despite her obvious over-qualifications.

Then there was a bump at the doorway.

Twilight Sparkle was standing in front of the closed glass door with the ruptured remains of the coffee filter basket speared over her horn and sprinkles of coffee grounds scattered all over her face and mane. It was both cute and a little disturbing, because the industrial-strength grounds basket was a complete and total loss, indicating that Twilight’s nocturnal noshing habits were less than subtle, although the cute little twitching of her nose against the glass nearly made up for it.

Dry Roast sighed.

Luna pumped one hoof and declared, “Yes!”

Then she caught herself, looked properly chagrined, and got a large foam cup off the stack. “I mean, it appears Princess Twilight Sparkle is experiencing a coffee emergency. Shall I attempt to fill her order? Or would you rather fill—”

“I’ve got it,” interrupted Dry. He snagged the empty foam cup in his magic and gestured to the storeroom. “I need you to run back there and grab the big white box labeled ‘Emergency #1’ for me, please.” He looked up at where Twilight had just staggered through the doorway and was making her way up to the counter. “And hurry.”

With all of his concentration on mixing, Dry almost missed Twilight Sparkle moving behind the counter to supervise his efforts, but he most certainly did not miss what happened after he floated the frothy concoction to her.

She took a sip.

There was a brief gap in his memory which was most likely due to being snogged with extreme enthusiasm by an alicorn who had not visited his shop in quite some time.

Then he found himself being dragged to the door by his ear, which would not have been quite so embarrassing if he were shorter than the princess in question, or if she had not been using her tongue on the ear she had clamped between her teeth.

“I’ve got the—” Luna came to a complete halt after coming out of the storeroom with a large white box floating behind her. Dry Roast managed to snag it with his magic while Twilight Sparkle was fumbling with the front door, and called out behind him.

“It’s a spare coffee filter cage for Twilight’s coffee machine. I thought something like this would— Eek! happen so I took precautions. Eeek!”

Hearing the door to the shop open, he began to talk faster. “When Applejack shows up, send her to the castle so she can— Eeek! Just send her up.”

When Dry and his captor moved out into the dark town for their trip back to the castle, Luna followed behind just so she could add her own response. “Fear not, brave prince. I shall send thy boon companion to rescue you from the fair maiden’s bed.”

“Kitchen!” Dry managed to squeak out. “And make sure she hurries so I don’t miss Rarity’s trip to Manehattan. Eeek! Remember AJ!”

The last glimpse Dry Roast had of his employee/regent was Luna’s satisfied smile, looking very much like a hungry spider who had just captured a juicy fly.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

The sun had barely been up for an hour by the time Dry Roast came galloping back into Java Le Choza, scooped his saddlebags up from where he had left them, and gave one quick glance around the shop.

“Got her machine working again, Luna,” he managed between rapid breaths. “Applejack pried me out of the corner where I was trapped, and I’ve just got a couple of minutes before I need to be down at the train station. Can you think of anything I’m missing?”

Luna thought for a moment, then moved up to him in one swift motion while the waiting customers parted on both sides of her. “Yes.”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

The regular clatter of train wheels was relaxing, much like the meditative koans Dry Roast used in order to improve his inner focus and willpower. He took a sip out of his coffee, blinked several times, and spared a sideways glance at the pristine white unicorn to his side on their seat in the train car. Rarity was being quiet, far too quiet for Dry Roast’s comfort, although part of that was due to the coffee she was pretending to sip and the newspaper she was pretending to read.

He took another sip of his coffee. It tasted of peppermint spice and Luna. It was not bad at all, considering it was all he could remember between now and the coffee shop.

“So,” he started after a short period of the non-silence. “How long have we been on the train?”

Rarity checked her watch, then put it back into her bag. “About fifteen minutes.”

There was a very long meaningful pause, which Dry Roast could not determine just exactly what it was supposed to mean, only that it meant something.

“So.” Rarity put down her newspaper. “Now you’re kissing Princess Luna.”

“Actually, she kissed me.” Dry Roast paused. “Again.” He stopped to consider his brief statement, hoping that the silence would help the words make more sense. “It must be because Twilight Sparkle stopped by the shop this morning after she broke her coffee machine.”

“Did she kiss you also?” asked Rarity in the same polite tone of voice one would use when asking to pass the pepper at the table.

“Yes.” Dry Roast took another sip of coffee and considered the conversational flow. “Don’t tell me you’re considering—”

“No.” Rarity considered what Dry was afraid she was considering. “Well…”

She leaned over and kissed Dry Roast on the lips for a polite amount of time, then sat back on the seat. “Well?”

“That’s not much of a kiss,” admitted Dry.

“Well!” huffed Rarity, pulling out her newspaper and arranging it in front of her.

“Wait a minute,” protested Dry. “I’ve just been kissed by two alicorns this morning, neither of which have had sex in recorded history. I’m probably burned out for a while.”

Rarity put down the paper and seemed to relax a little. “Good point. Although since there are ladies involved, you should say neither of whom have been intimate in recent history.” She paused, thinking something that Dry Roast probably would not like. “So were you planning on—”

“No.” Thinking that a little clarification was in order, Dry added, “Certainly not with your friend.”

“They are both friends.” Rarity gave him a very dry look. “Certainly, there must be more decent ways to become a prince than to play off the affections of two princesses.”

“I’m not trying to become a prince,” admitted Dry Roast. “I’m more likely going to become a frog.” He hesitated, which unfortunately allowed Rarity enough time to strike.

“Oh, don’t worry, Mister Roast. If Twilight turns you into a frog, she can most certainly turn you back.” She arched an eyebrow. “It may require more kissing, however.”

There should have been a way to properly respond to that, but all Dry could think of was frogs. “How did we get on this subject?”

“I have no idea.” Rarity fixed him with a long look, shook her head, and got a book out of her bag. It seemed to be a prompt, so Dry Roast reached into his own bag with his magic and got out a book too, although he was not paying it too much attention. It did get his attention when Rarity glanced over at the book, then up at him, then down at the book again.

“I see Twilight has been a naughty influence on your reading material.”

Dry Roast took a long look at the open book in front of him, took a few seconds to put the complicated drawing of limbs and body parts into context, and promptly slapped it closed afterward. “I didn’t pack this,” he added in a weak attempt at an excuse. “I don’t think Twilight did either. Luna must have snuck it into my bags while I was over at the castle, working on Twilight’s equipment.”

Rarity raised one eyebrow.

“Her coffee equipment,” clarified Dry Roast.

He hesitated, then decided to go ahead and spill the coffee beans, since talking about it would most certainly help. It took a few minutes for Dry Roast to carefully detail his morning, or at least all he could remember out of it.

The explanation must have at least made more sense hearing than it did from his end of the conversation, because Rarity’s eyebrow eventually returned to its normal elevation, she made a considerate noise, and returned to her own book. Unable to retreat in that fashion, Dry simply leaned back on the bench and tried to figure out when his world had gotten so complicated.

Ponyville. Maybe it’s something in the water. Like hydras. Or frogs.

After about an hour, Rarity looked up from her book and asked, “What are you thinking about, Mister Roast?”

“Nothing, really.” Dry shrugged. “Stallions do that, you know.”

“Mmm…” Putting her book back into her bag, Rarity pulled out her sketchbook and began to draw with frequent glances in his direction. From the scissors and needles poking out of the bag, there was an entire arsenal of fashion weaponry hidden inside, and Dry Roast had a good idea who the target of the eventual destruction was going to be.

“Am I going to be wearing something embarrassing at this fashion show?”

“No, of course not,” murmured Rarity while not slowing her sketching even for a moment. “Why would you think of such a thing?”

Author's Note

Remember what I said about cats earlier?

By the way, the Wedding Ring Effect is real in humans (Men who are in a relationship appear more attractive to other women) The link goes to The Independent, so make sure your pop-up blocker is on.

12. Fall In Love With Coffee All Over Again

Her Royal Morning Coffee
Fall in Love With Coffee All Over Again

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

The ability to catch a nap anywhere was a real bonus for a coffee shop owner with early hours. It did leave Dry Roast a little disoriented when the train stopped in Manehattan and he helped Rarity get her extensive baggage to the waiting wagon, then helped again to unload the whole thing all over again when they got to the hotel. He did not realize it at first, but sometime during his nap on the train, Dry had gained a sharp black vest trimmed in hints of gold thread with a snappy fedora to match, which caught the eye whenever he passed anything reflective.

“I think I look a little like a groom,” he muttered mostly to himself while following Rarity into the bustling hotel. “Why did we have to stop by the photo store before coming over here?”

“Your outfit is unique, darling,” purred Rarity. “I photograph everything I bring to avoid having the design stolen.”

For a long moment, Dry Roast could see his picture on a milk carton somewhere, dressed in the new vest and hat, of course. It occupied his mind while waiting in line at the hotel desk, keeping an eye on the cart full of dresses and other fashion items involved in the setup of Rarity’s booth at the Bridle Star show. Even though the fashion show was not supposed to start until tomorrow, the hotel buzzed with activity, and the line to register was taking some time.

Since most of the ponies in line were beautiful young mares dressed in beautiful new outfits, Dry Roast had no problem with just standing around and admiring the view. And to his hidden pleasure, many of the mares had no problem looking back, although he suspected they were more interested in the suit than the stallion inside.

“Got the keys, darling.” Rarity came strolling back over to Dry Roast with an ornate set of keys floating behind her. “The bellhops are spread thin, so if you would be so kind as to bring my things up to the room, you can get a short nap before we start setting up. I know I’ve got you out past your bedtime.”

“Naps are good,” said Dry with a yawn, although he abruptly woke all the way up in the elevator when he noticed the keys Rarity was holding in her magic had a massive heart-shaped fob with ‘Just Married’ in large pink letters, obviously the keys to the Honeymoon Suite. He stayed quiet, however, because he did not want to make a scene, but could not help picturing what would happen when he returned to Ponyville. Possibly a three-way wrestling match for his body between two Equestrian princesses and a fashion princess.

I wonder how small the leftover bits will be when they’re done.

The hotel did not cut corners when it came to ensuring their newlyweds’ comfort, because the door going into the suite was large enough that even Princess Celestia could have been carried across the threshold without bumping into anything. Exactly why that mental image was the first thing that popped into Dry’s mind was a little concerning, but once the luggage cart was pushed to one side, he had more important things to worry about. In particular, another nap, hopefully alone in the bed.

Rarity was watching him from under hooded eyelids with little flickers of her long lashes. “Why Mister Roast. I thought you would have some sort of ‘dry’ comment about our room by now.”

“Too tired. Long train trip.” Dry Roast yawned and winced at the sound of a polite knocking at the suite door. “Who’s that?”

“No idea,” called back Rarity before she vanished into the opulent bedroom with a gasp of amazement. “This place has everything. Would you be a dear and get the door?”

“If that’s Luna…” Dry Roast tried to put on a happy and social face while strolling over to the door. He took a moment to run a hoof across his mane, just in case, and opened the door to find a beautiful, well-dressed earth pony mare looking up at him. Admittedly, she was not as old as Luna, but bastions of makeup and mane care products were engaged in a vigorous battle to protect the mare from the ravages of age, and seemed to be doing a good job of it too. Her dark brown eyes traced a path up from his hooves to his ears while her polite smile grew into a knowing smirk and two thinning eyebrows arched in appreciation.

“Hellooo. Where did Rarity find you and do you have any brothers?”

Dry Roast was flabbergasted beyond words, but he did shake hooves when the older mare offered.

“I’m Silk Inseam.” The mare’s lips parted just enough for her to run the tip of her tongue across the exposed teeth, which seemed sharper than he expected, although that might have just been a mistaken impression. “I presume you are the young stallion Rarity was bringing to the exposition? The one dating Princess Luna?”

“We’re not…” Dry Roast thought about just what his position with Luna was, and decided he could not explain it without a chalkboard and a few shots of rum. “I’m Dry Roast, Ma’am. Right this way, please,” he said instead, gesturing with one hoof inside the pink painted and heart decorated room. “Rarity will be right out.”

“Mama, we’ve got a problem.” A young mare, just barely out of college if that, came scurrying up the corridor and stopped just outside the honeymoon suite door. “Whoa.”

Silk Inseam nodded to Dry Roast and gestured with one flawless pink foreleg at the new arrival. “Mister Roast, this is my daughter, Buttonhook. Manners, dear,” she directed at her bright-eyed daughter. “No drooling over Princess Luna’s… young thing.”

“Sorry, sir,” said Buttonhook, bobbing her head. “Could you help bring our bags? One of the wheels on the luggage carts bent and dumped our stuff out back by the elevator.”

Dry Roast looked askance, but a glance back into the room showed Rarity greeting her friend with a hug and nuzzle, so her presence in the room must have been previously arranged. He went down the hall to the elevator with the young mare, who was fascinated with Princess Luna and had all kinds of questions about her mixed in with their attempts to straighten up the bent wheel on the cart. By the time they managed to move the crippled cart back to the room, several other mares had passed by and asked for directions, and the honeymoon suite was fairly filled with mares. After pulling the cart over with the rest, he turned and looked at the veritable wall of amused female eyes, of which one set in particular was quite familiar.

“Rarity, what’s going on?” he asked, still a little winded from having to practically float the heavy cart back to the room.

Before Rarity could say a word, a fluffy pink pegasus mare with the most flyaway mane and dark eyes strolled over. She was a little thing who just barely came up to under his chin, which she brushed underneath while she circled around him once, then called out in a husky voice, “Lock the door, girls. We only have a few hours before the expo floor opens.” She gave him a very inappropriate look from under fluffy eyebrows and added, “And I call first dibs.”

Thankful that he had been double princess kissed and been through a train trip to dull his nerves, Dry Roast regarded the young pegasus with a single upraised eyebrow. It took only a heartbeat to think of a quick rejoinder, which he had to credit to Princess Luna’s droll sense of humor rubbing off on him by close and frequent exposure.

Looking over the giggling crowd of mares, he shook his head ever so slowly and drawled, “Just a couple hours ain’t even enough time for one, let alone all you beautiful ladies.”

All of the mares fairly collapsed in uproarious laughter, hooting and whooping loud enough that Dry Roast found himself hoping that the Honeymoon Suite was well soundproofed, or the hotel staff was going to get the most unusual impression of what was going on. The young mare blushed brighter pink while being bugged by her fellow fashion designers, and once all the giggling and good-natured ribbing had calmed down to where Rarity could make herself heard, she called them all to order.

“Thank you, Puffball, for the entertainment portion of this evening’s events,” said Rarity while suppressing one last giggle. “I’m sorry for not telling you about this before, Mister Roast, but I just had to see your face.”

“And those flanks,” called out one of the other designers amidst a flurry of whistles.

“Yes, those too,” said Rarity with a smirk. “Every year the hotel is just so packed and I never get a chance to talk with the girls before we’re chasing things around in the expo center. By the time we’re headed home, we’re exhausted, so this year, I reserved the biggest empty suite they had.”

After checking the clock and giving a quick glance around the room full of mares, Dry Roast had to bring up the obvious flaw in the plan. “There’s only one bed.”

Rarity dismissed his objection with the flip of a fetlock. “Oh, we never get to sleep anyway before we have to set things up. The hall opens at midnight for the vendors, so we’ve only got a few hours to catch up on any last-minute changes, talk about how the fashion world is moving—”

“Exchange gossip,” said Silk Inseam with a very pointed look at Dry.

“Oh, don’t get too excited about that,” said Rarity in a dismissive fashion. “He’s a perfect gentlecolt with Princess Luna and Princess Twilight. They’ve barely kissed. Now scoot on off to bed, Mister Roast,” she added, pointing at the open doorway to the Honeymoon Suite bedroom. “When it’s time to get our displays put together on the expo floor, we’ll get you up.”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

One thing that Rarity had neglected to mention was that the fashion show was for wedding fashions, which was only made worse by all of her gossip friends wanting to borrow Dry Roast for ‘just a second’ in order to counterbalance a hasty photo shoot or watch a booth while the proprietor made a quick dash to the bathroom.

Then the doors opened.

Dry Roast had never been married, but he had taken his place during his older brother’s wedding, with his place being mostly “Stand there” and “Try not to frown.” Balanced Budget had been the bane of the old mare in charge of the festivities, resulting in her becoming the unwilling foster mother of six frogs by the time the whole thing was over and Bud had departed the field of conflict with his giggling spouse in tow.

The whole experience had only made Dry Roast more determined never to have to face another hatchet-faced mare with parchment-thin hide and dark squinty eyes again, or at least not without his big brother and a whole bag of frogs.

This morning, he had neither. Far worse were the beady eyes peering at him from every angle while suspicious wedding planners chaperoned their young mares through the displays, ready to spring into action should any threats wander within smooching range of their young charges. From the fluttering glances cast his way from beneath lowered lashes, the prospective brides would not have minded a few moments of practice before their own bridal occasions, but Dry kept thinking of Luna as a comparison to the lovely young mares. He was fairly sure she would not mind if he sampled a few kisses, but he had to wonder just what kind of competitiveness it would trigger, and if he would survive the resulting alicorn-powered kisses in return.

With the whole extravaganza in full bloom, Dry Roast found himself being ‘volunteered’ to stand in as escort to an entire wave of young, white-clad mares while they fidgeted about what kind of veil or dress train went best with the outfit they had picked out. To his surprise, there were other young stallions employed to fill in for the same purpose, all handsome young bucks with bright smiles and dashing manestyles, but for some reason, Dry seemed to be the most popular. It was not until near the end of the program when Dry Roast escorted several young brides down the runway in the final fashion show that he found out just exactly why the young mares preferred his company.

On the plus side, the number of business cards he accumulated from his fellow male models with variations of ‘Let me know when you’re in town next and we can have dinner’ written on the back was a little comforting to his ego, and explained the appreciative looks from them. But on the minus side, they came with more than a few cards from the young brides at the show too, and he was horribly afraid several of the wrinkled old prunes who were shepherding them through the fashion show had added their own cards to his collection.

The whole show took hours from beginning to end, but the time fairly flew past until the last calls went out across the intercom and the customers were all shuffled off the floor, including a few young mares who were having indecision fits about the perfect veil or bit of lace. A collective sigh of relief went across the participants when the big doors boomed shut, but before they could all begin tearing their booths down for the trip back to wherever they all called home, Rarity stepped up to the stage.

“Ladies and gentlecolts,” she fairly purred into the microphone. “Before we get distracted, I would like to direct your attention to the mare who made this all possible, Baroness Star Rose. Let’s have a warm round of applause for her, please.”

Dry Roast stomped along with the rest while an elderly earth pony mare took the stage with Rarity to nod at the gathering crowd. She took over the microphone to pass on a few encouraging words, then passed it back to Rarity, who smiled and gestured Dry Roast to come up closer to the stage.

He did, although with reservations.

“Ladies, we have a special treat for the sendoff this evening.” Rarity lit up her horn and the resulting spotlight made Dry Roast squint into the light. “As you may have noticed, my male companion for the day is wearing a special outfit I crafted just for this occasion. We will be auctioning it off for the Manehattan Orphanage Fund before we all head for home, and if the handsome stallion is willing, with a little something extra for the winning bidder.”

“A kiss?” he asked, more to himself than the crowd, although it seemed as if the microphone was far more sensitive than he expected when his errant words were amplified to the far corners of the convention hall, and the surrounding mares proceeded to give wild whistles and catcalls in response.

“Actually, I was thinking of throwing the hat in with the suit, but since you offered,” said Rarity. “Do I hear one hundred bits? Yes, over there. How about two hundred?”

At one time, Dry Roast had purchased a suit jacket for his brother’s wedding. It cost him just over two hundred bits, and was about the highest quality tailoring that had ever been fitted to his lanky form. The bidding for the one he wore now went over two thousand bits in a matter of minutes, and by the time Silk Inseam and Baroness Star Rose finished their bidding war, the price tag had exceeded six thousand bits.

Somehow, he suspected the kiss he wound up giving to Baroness Star Rose was not worth quite that much, even with the suit and hat she peeled off him to the admiring whistles and comments of the fashion crowd. But there were no complaints, and the baroness had an unbreakable smile while giving her brief closing remarks and a quick exchange of whispers with Rarity before departing. It was a little bit of a letdown after that to help pack up Rarity’s booth and put the remaining dresses and accoutrements into boxes and carriers for the trip back to Ponyville. He had never been a real focus of attention before, other than that tulip thing in Canterlot with Rainbow Dash, and Twilight Sparkle’s moping presence at that event had sucked all the joy out of the experience.

He was puzzling away at just why the memory bothered him during the trip back to the train station, only to have Rarity nudge him with a shoulder and knock the idea out of his head.

“I must say, Mister Roast, that I have never seen one of the auctions after our events go nearly so well. Star practically begged me to see about getting you to return next year, although I think she expects you to have a princess at your side at that time.”

“It could be,” admitted Dry Roast. He shifted positions on the carriage’s padded seat and tried to imagine Princess Luna where Rarity now sat. “I don’t think Twilight would be interested, but Luna…”

“You are serious about her, are you not?” Rarity lifted one perfect eyebrow and cast a playful look at Dry.

“I… um…” It was a long-term question, and Dry Roast had only considered the short-term consequences of having Luna as an employee. The idea of going beyond their friendly and playful morning banter into something ‘serious’ as Rarity had said, was a square peg that did not fit into his round peg mind very well without a great deal of sanding and shaping.

“You have to remember that Luna is an alicorn,” said Dry. “She’s had… several young stallions over the years. And as an alicorn, she has a… different way of looking at the male/female relationship. She can’t get too attached to a prospective… mate, because in a few centuries, all she will have is memories. And I presume the opposite is true of anypony who… mates with her.”

“Oh, my.” Rarity had much the same expression as a young colt who had added a drop of catalyst to a test tube, and was determining if the resulting reaction would destroy the whole building or just the room. “You are serious.”

Now that was worthy of some serious thought, and Dry considered the points and prickles of that thorny issue all the while through loading Rarity’s luggage onto the train and finding a seat for the trip back to Ponyville. It was a thought that fairly demanded coffee to go with it, and by the time he had settled down in his seat with a half-caf peppermint spiced latte, there was only one conclusion he could draw.

“Yes.”

“Oh,” said Rarity, obviously flummoxed for a second at the way their conversation was restarting. She shifted uncomfortably on the bench seat of the train car, biting her bottom lip briefly before added, “I suppose I should apologize for forcing that kiss on you yesterday morning.”

“No,” said Dry Roast. “Princess Luna… Alicorns have…” He took a deep breath and considered the substantial shortage of coffee relating to his current condition. Just one foam cup wasn’t going to do it. A few cappuccino shots with maybe some additional ingredients would have made explaining things much easier. “Alicorns compete for their mates, and in Luna’s opinion, Twilight… isn’t.”

“I see.” Rarity nodded, although with a worrisome thinness to her lips and a furtive glance out of the train windows at the newly risen moon.

“No, fighting over a stallion is not what caused Nightmare Moon,” said Dry Roast. “Luna has been talking to me about… things. Normal mares get jealous when their stallion starts nosing around other mares. Alicorns get… competitive.”

“You mean treating them as some sort of award in a fashion show for the best model?” asked Rarity with a note of disdain.

Thankfully, Dry Roast had been around town for quite some time, and had talked extensively with Applejack, thus giving him leverage he never thought he was going to use. In particular, he knew of one certain stallion who he had been told —in the most strictest of confidence, of course — had a small room dedicated to his memory inside the Carousel Boutique, despite having tried his best to romance Applejack.

“Trenderhoof,” he replied in a flat deadpan.

“Why, that’s…” Rarity paused, settled back on her train seat, and gave a ladylike sniff. “I don’t see the relevance of your argument at all.” She turned her back on Dry Roast and looked out the train window instead, giving little flickers of her eyes to Dry’s reflection in the glass and eventually adding, “I’ve moved on.”

13. Share a Cup Today

Her Royal Morning Coffee
Share a Cup Today
(Not in that way, you pervs)

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

By the time the train pulled into the Ponyville station, it was fairly late in the evening, and the dusty streets were empty of any incriminating witnesses. Dry Roast’s ignoble pace to the Carousel Boutique was slow, made slower by towing the somewhat smaller — or possibly larger — ‘Rarity’ collection in his magic.

There should have been fewer clothes in the boxes due to the last-minute bridal sales, some of which had been dramatic events with prospective brides clamping their jaws down on opposite ends of some fragile piece of lace and glaring at their opposite numbers. Still, from their weight suspended in his field at least, Dry Roast suspected quite a bit of last-minute shopping had gone on behind his back to fill any empty space in the luggage and then some.

He managed to get the whole collection into the boutique main floor before Rarity hustled him out of the building with her eyes half-shut and murmuring something about ‘an urgent appointment with Princess Luna.’ It reminded Dry to take a few moments to drop by the coffee shop to ensure it was still standing

It was, and not even on fire, so he headed for home and his own delayed slumber. There were no lights on in his house, meaning Rain Check was working late or already sleeping, so Dry checked the mail, quietly slipped upstairs to put his saddlebags down in his bedroom, and considered his bed.

His occupied bed.

Dry Roast had been talked into purchasing a princess-sized bed to fit his lanky frame when he had first moved to town, which meant there was normally some space left over beneath the sheets every night. True to the advertising from Quills and Sofas, the bed appeared to have a comfortable occupancy limit of one sprawled-out princess (Lunar variety), although Celestia would have been a tight fit without one limb or another draping over the edges.

Why did I just get done thinking that?

Luna looked comfortable, extremely so, and Dry Roast could not help but think of her actions the same way as years ago when the family cat used to rub up against everything in their house in order to establish her scent as ownership. His bed was probably going to have Luna’s enticing lilac and jasmine aroma around it until laundry day, or more if alicorn scents had the same persistence as the rest of alicorn powers. Rather than look for a small section of unused bed to curl up on until the dawn, he picked up one of his alarm clocks and went downstairs to curl up on the couch.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

The sound of Dry Roast’s morning alarm was quite short and cut off, much as if somepony were standing right by his couch and turned it off the moment it rang. He was fairly sure what he was going to see when he opened his eyes, but he did anyway.

Princess Luna was standing by the couch in the dim lighting of his living room, giving Dry a very serious look, without even the smallest hint of a smile. His eyes flickered to one side to check the time, which was just a few minutes before dawn, then his gaze was inevitably drawn back to the stoic princess and those stern teal eyes. She moved closer, much closer, and her voice was cool and firm.

“Thou smells of mare.”

She continued to move closer, not settling for a reasonable distance until her nose was buried in his tangled mane and she sniffed, paused, then inhaled a deep, deep breath. “Many mares,” she clarified with her nose still in his mane.

All Dry could see was the soft dark coat of Luna from where her warm neck was likewise pressed solidly against his nose, with the scent of lilacs and jasmine wandering up inside his groggy brain and poking all kinds of chemical buttons.

“Fashion show,” he clarified while Luna’s weight on the couch pressed down on him. “There were hundreds of—” Dry edited out the words ‘Brides’ and replaced it with a much less dangerous word “—mares there.”

“You cannot believe how much this makes me desire you.” Luna breathed into one ear with a rough voice and the tickle of her teeth on the small edge hairs. More of her weight was added to his chest and the couch groaned under the stress of their bodies. “It makes me want to cover you with my own scent as a warning to lesser mares, so all might know you are owned by the Night,” she finished with a small nip at the tip of his ear.

Luna drew her head back with little twinkles of mischief dancing in those entrancing dark eyes. “But, I am told in this modern age, we no longer are permitted to imprison stallions to satiate our desires, but should entice them into a mutual relationship over a respectable period of time until an appropriate social occasion occurs.”

She kissed him, long and hard, then drew back and licked her lips with a sly smile. “Otherwise, I would take you right here on this couch.”

“I don’t think it’s stressed for that.” Dry gave a quiet cough to clear his dry throat. “We’d break something.”

“Indeed.” Luna fairly bounced off the couch and hoisted Dry Roast to his hooves. “Now, it is quite close to Dawn. Go take your shower and wash some of that scent off, lest we do something highly inappropriate this morn.” She flicked the tip of her tail at his rump to encourage his speed into the bathroom, leaving his mind with the image of Luna watching his departure.

She looked much like a starving pony might stare at a field of ripe apples.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

After a brisk cold shower just one degree from ice and a brisk trot across town to the shop, Dry Roast was feeling… oddly normal. And brisk. Luna, who was trotting by his side, was a mix of ebullient and evasive, not adding to their quiet walk with conversation other than a quiet giggle while Dry Roast was unlocking the shop door. Even the sight of Luna gently tucking the moon below the horizon like one might put a young foal to bed did not break Dry’s odd sense of normality, because he needed to hustle to get the store’s equipment warmed up and prepared for the first customer of the morning.

“Hiya, Princess Luna. You’re lookin’ chipper this morning.”

“Good morn, Fair Applejack.” Luna took a look over her back toward Dry Roast and winked one eye at him. “I took a brief nap this eve in the most comfortable of beds and awoke to the presence of a stallion with the finest flanks.”

“Oh.” Applejack followed Princess Luna’s eyes and looked right square at Dry Roast before adding, “Ah see what you mean.”

“Almost got your coffee ready, Miss Applejack.” Dry Roast snagged a foam cup off the stack and held it under the spigot, although none of the coffee had reached it yet. “Did you want a pastry with that?”

“Well, somepony’s being a little tart this morning.” Applejack exchanged a few elbow-pokes and giggles with her royal friend, to Dry Roast’s intense embarrassment.

“He is quite, how you say, hot.” Luna broke into open laughter when Dry Roast twisted the knob off the cold oven, then tried to stick it back on while holding a tray of frozen cookie dough bits above his head.

“Yup.” Applejack nodded vigorously. “He filled out real nice over the last year, since he started working out at the gym. Even RD says he’s pretty respectable on the mat.”

“Ah, so he hath been preparing for his intimate activities with Princess Sparkle,” said Luna. “Good. It takes a strong stallion to withstand the passion of an alicorn without injury or death, and it is proper that your friend has offered to help build his endurance in bed.”

“Bed?” The relative jocularity which Applejack had been treating her fellow mare fell away, and she regarded Luna with open-jawed amazement. “Dry and RD?”

“Why—” Now it was Luna’s turn to stop, and she gave Dry Roast a furtive glance before continuing. “It was my understanding that the Element of Loyalty was quite involved sexually with Mister Roast.”

“Rainbow Dash?” asked Applejack with a curious expression. “And Dry?”

“They didst show at the Spring Flower Festival as bonded,” explained Luna. “And several bottles of her flowery shampoo are concealed within his bathroom, indicating the two of them hath spent the beautiful night together more than once.”

“Hey!” objected the topic of the discussion. “Rainbow told me how awesome that conditioner was and I bought some to deal with my tangles. Just because we use the same conditioner, and I showed up with her at one public appearance, and she spars with me at the gym, doesn’t mean we’re… um…”

“Doin’ the hayloft hokey-pokey,” supplied Applejack, despite Dry’s best wishes.

“Yeah,” he reluctantly agreed. “I mean, no. Certainly, no.”

“Oh.” Luna seemed temporarily set back, but only for a moment. “Well, certainly Mister Roast has experience in that regard, correct?”

Dry was a little irritated that Luna directed that question to Applejack instead of himself, particularly with him in the room and when some of the coffee he was pouring dripped onto the floor.

“Heck, Ah’m not sure.” Applejack made a show of scratching her chin. “Ever since he moved into town, Dry ain’t never made no serious moves on any mares. No stallions, neither. He is right appreciative of a pretty flank, though.”

“Thank, you, Applejack.” Dry Roast rolled his eyes and put the container of coffee on the counter. “Now if the two of you ladies are done discussing my masculine attributes…”

“Greetings, Twilight Sparkle,” announced Princess Luna, looking outside the doorway in a direction Dry Roast could not see.

“Very funny, Luna.” Dry Roast tapped the foam cup of coffee against the counter. “Applejack, if you could pay for your coffee, please? You’re holding up the line.”

“What line?” Applejack looked behind her, then moved quickly up to the coffee shop counter and started to put her bits down. “Sorry, Dry.” Her voice was a little muffled from behind her bit pouch. “Ah’ll just let you three get acquainted. See ya.”

“And I thought Rainbow Dash was fast,” muttered Dry after Applejack darted away from the shop with the coffee balanced on top of her hat, and managed somehow to get into the traces on her apple cart without causing a spillage. The brisk sounds of her departure had not even faded out by the time a new set of hoofsteps could be heard, steps that Dry Roast was beginning to recognize.

“Good morning, Princess Sparkle,” he managed to choke out from a dry throat when the familiar form of Twilight Sparkle filled the doorway, although he looked around abruptly afterward. “Where did Luna go?”

“I’m not sure.” Twilight likewise looked around, shrugged, and strolled up to the counter with all the authentic air of a small foal preparing excuses for why the cookie jar was empty. There was a short stack of notecards sticking out of her saddlebag, along with several books, an unfinished checklist, and a recently used tube of lip gloss, which explained how shiny her lips were just now despite the occasional nervous lick. She took several breaths before putting a pile of bits on the counter and seeming to grope for words.

“The usual?” prompted Dry Roast, taking a foam cup off the stack and moving it over to the machinery while waiting, ever so briefly, for a response. “It may take a few minutes, because the equipment isn’t warmed up all the way yet. I got into work a little late this morning.”

“Yes!” Twilight Sparkle nodded energetically. “The usual. A little heavier on the chocolate syrup and with a good shot of soy milk, though. I ran out of syrup at the castle and… um…”

While waiting for the foamer to heat up, Dry Roast scooped one of the chocolate syrup bottles out from behind the counter and put it in front of Twilight. “For you, wholesale pricing,” he added while bumping the lever for the foamer and wondering if perhaps the machine was being intentionally cooled by a certain concealed lunar princess in order to increase his Twilight Time this morning.

“Thank you. That’s not quite what I wanted to talk to you about.” Twilight tapped her forehooves together before letting her breath out in a rush. “Thankyouforfixingmycoffeemachinebytheway.”

“You’re welcome.” Dry settled into the comforting ritual of making Twilight’s special, adjusted for her recent preferences. It was at least something that he had control over, as opposed to scheming princesses with intentions on his body. Which was not all that bad at all, once he thought about it. He put the heavy foam container on the counter and scooped the matching pile of bits into the cash register before adding, “I bought a couple extra grounds racks for your percolator, just in case. You know. Because Spike is a little careless when eating the coffee grounds out of them.”

“Spike doesn’t—” Twilight caught herself and quickly nodded. “Yes, of course. Spike. Heheh.”

“It’ll be our secret,” said Dry Roast, trying not to think of just how many ponies in Ponyville and Canterlot knew about her early morning grazing preferences.

“Secret. Yes.” Twilight kept nodding just like a bobble-headed doll until the wafting scent from the cup caught her nose and dragged it down. She took a drink, then a much longer one, and when she sat the coffee back down on the counter, Dry could see the instinctual motion she was suppressing to follow up that drink with a habitual smooch on her habitual target. “Mind control,” she muttered quickly, taking another drink before clearing her throat and addressing Dry Roast much like a professor lecturing to a class of one.

“After considerable study into the habits of alicorns last night, I’ve come to the conclusion that Princess Luna is…”

After waiting a respectable amount of time for her to continue, and somewhat underwhelmed by the shortness of the anticipated lecture, Dry Roast prompted, “Horny?”

“Yes. Wait! No!” Twilight took several rapid breaths and followed it up with a quick gulp of coffee. “Competing! That’s what I meant. Yes, that’s all. She’s competing for a …”

Waiting a little longer this time before providing the missing word, Dry Roast eventually put forth, “Mate?”

“Date!” blurted out Twilight. “She’s competing for a date. That’s all. She’s convinced herself that you’re an acceptable male companion and is looking for a peer to compete with in order to win your affection, because that’s how alicorns seek out romantic partners.” Taking a quick breath and a long drink of coffee, Twilight continued at a rapid rate. “Since the number of alicorns in Equestria is limited, I’m just going to have to step up and participate in her plans so she is not disappointed.”

Dry Roast considered for a moment and a quick glance around the empty coffee shop before countering, “I don’t think we’re facing another Nightmare Moon here if Luna doesn’t get laid—”

“A date!” squeaked Twilight. “Not… that other word.”

“I don’t think she just wants somepony to sit around with and count stars,” said Dry Roast. “Although we’ve done a lot of that before work, lately. When she woke me up this morning, she said—”

“She woke you up this morning?” said Twilight in a rush.

“Yes,” said Dry rather hesitantly.

“So you overslept,” said Twilight slowly, but gathering speed much like a train headed down the mountainside without brakes. “And she went to your house when you didn’t show up at the shop?”

“Actually, she spent the night… or at least the last half of it in my bed,” admitted Dry Roast, trying to figure out if he was embarrassed or bragging. Or as Pinkie Pie might put it, Embaragging.

“Oh,” said Twilight in what was more of a squeak. She hesitated for a long moment, then surged forward with a short burst of words again. “So the two of you were…” This time Twilight Sparkle stopped cold and gently tapped her forehooves together with the faint clink of shoes.

“No,” said Dry.

Twilight tapped her forehooves together even faster and raised one eyebrow.

“No!” Dry Roast rolled his eyes. “She was in my bed and I was sleeping on the couch,” he admitted.

“Oh,” said Twilight in a released huff of air. She took a long drink of coffee, and when she came up for air, added, “I just didn’t know where we should start. I mean if the two of you were already having—” Twilight tapped her forehooves together again “—and since I’ve never done that before I’d have to add more study material to my list and since I’m already behind schedule and we haven’t even had a first date and there’s a whole field of contraceptive spells to choose from.”

“Ah…” Dry really did not know where to start, but decided to simply repeat what he had been told. “Luna said the whole purpose of alicorn competition is the… um… breeding. It sounds like her goal is a foal. If I can survive the attempts,” he added.

“Foal?” squeaked Twilight.

Dry Roast nodded, trying to sound sympathetic, and not like some creepy stalker. “Luna said she had competed like this with her sister before and had foals, although I never asked just how many they each had.”

“Oh, no, nono.” Twilight Sparkle shook her head so fast her mane flew around. “Princess Celestia has never… She would have told me.”

“Luna said that’s why Princess Cadence got pregnant. Two alicorns were competing over Shining Armor’s affection, and nature just… took its course, I suppose. And hormones. Powerful hormones.” He thought for a moment and counted months. “I guess she was already pregnant at the wedding.”

Not getting a response as he expected, Dry turned to look at the paralyzed princess. Twilight Sparkle’s breath was coming in short pants, and the pupils of her beautiful violet eyes had constricted into small, black dots, although she was still holding the remains of her coffee in front of her. The foam cup had crumpled in Twilight’s magical field, and just a few drips of leftover coffee pooled on the counter, slowly growing as the cup crumpled further.

“Or it could have happened during the honeymoon?” he offered in a futile attempt to break Twilight out of her internal feedback loop, at least before she started squeezing coffee colts instead of coffee cups.

“No, no,” whispered Twilight Sparkle under her breath. “It didn’t happen. It couldn’t happen. Not my brother and my fillysitter and Luna. There’s got to be another explanation. One that makes sense.”

Resisting the urge to quietly walk backward until he could make his escape out of the back door of the shop, Dry Roast took a longer look at Princess Twilight, from her frazzled mane to her bloodshot eyes. “How much coffee have you had this evening, Princess Twilight?”

“One.” Twilight took a quick sip out of her crumpled cup, shook it once, and floated it back over to Dry. “Refill, please. Stronger.”

“Well, one cup is probably not too much.” Dry Roast looked at the crumpled piece of foam, which could not have been sucked drier in a vampire movie.

“One bag of beans,” said Twilight Sparkle. “The one that Spike brought up to the castle yesterday. That reminds me. I need to buy another one.”

Dry looked up abruptly, taking in Twilight’s constricted pupils and faint tremor down her coat. “You drank a bag worth of coffee? That bag weighed more than you do! How are you still alive?”

“Alicorn metabolism.” She took a fresh cup off the stack with her magic and floated it in front of Dry. “More, please.”

“No. No way. That much caffeine in your blood can’t possibly be healthy.” Dry put the empty foam cup back on the stack, only to have Twilight float it back over in front of him.

“It’s not that much caffeine. I can barely feel the effects. If it makes you feel better, you can make this one half-caff, but hurry up. I need it.”

* * *

Black bunting and sorrowful music filled Ponyville as the headlines of all the newspapers cried out “Beloved Princess of Friendship Slain by Foul Brew.”

All around Java Le Choza, the patient ponies of Ponyville waited, with stacks of fresh torches and sharp pitchforks all purchased for the express purpose of exterminating the coffee colt who had murdered their beloved princess. Although the criminal had boarded himself into the building, they were patient.

But they were a little sleepy without their coffee.

* * *

“No,” said Dry Roast as firmly as he could. The daydream had astounding persistence, keeping him focused on his determination despite Twilight’s begging eyes and the pitiful whine she gave out at his intransigence. “You’re running on fumes. If it wasn’t for the caffeine, you’d drop right here on my floor.”

“Absolutely not.” Twilight Sparkle fairly bristled and lit her horn. “I can prove it. Caffeine has a unique molecular structure, and can be purged with a simple detoxification spe—”

She paused with the magic around her horn slowly fading, then collapsed like a puppet with her strings cut.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

“Good afternoon, Dry. I’m glad I caught you before closing time.” Spike got up on his toes to see over the counter and looked around. “I can’t find Twilight anywhere around the castle. Is she over here somewhere?”

“Yes, she is.” Dry Roast rolled his eyes before pointing a hoof at the throne-like pile of coffee bags in the back of the store. On it, the princess in question was in the process of reigning over her caffeinated kingdom of fresh bean bags with long, deep snores, although quiet enough not to disturb the customers out in the main room. “Hopefully, she wakes up soon before we close. I’d hate to leave her there and come back tomorrow morning to find she’s eaten all of my stock.”

“Oh.” Spike blinked once and returned his attention to Dry. “One hot cocoa with onyx sprinkles, please.”

Busying himself behind the coffee equipment, Dry regarded his short customer with one upraised eyebrow. “No snarky comments?”

“Well…” Spike took a second look, just to make sure Twilight was still sleeping. “Can I get three scoops of onyx sprinkles?”

“Not without disturbing the sleeping dragon.” Dry Roast put the foam cup down on the counter and scooped the bits into the cashbox. “Any plans for your unsupervised afternoon?” A sudden thought smashed into Dry with the force of a crashing meteor. “You don’t write reports to Princess Celestia, do you?”

“Sometimes,” admitted Spike.

Dry floated the foam cup back to himself and put in a second scoop of onyx sprinkles, then after a long look at Spike’s expression, a third.

“Ahh,” declared Spike after his first drink of the still-boiling cocoa. “That really hits the spot. Think I’ll head back to the castle and get things tidied up for when Twilight gets back from her—” Spike took a sideways glance at the sleeping princess “—research project. See you later, Mister Roast.”

Dry Roast watched the dragon scoot out the door and head for the crystal castle before turning to Luna, who had been watching the exchange with ill-concealed humor. “You’re certain that your sister isn’t going to be interested in this game of chase-the-colt that you are playing with Twilight, right? Because it might kill me to get caught between you and Twilight, but if this turns into a three-way…” He trailed off and licked his dry lips at the look of glee that had swept over Luna’s face. “No.”

“And why not?” Luna’s voice was a predatory purr, and Dry was quite glad the coffee shop was nearly empty of customers when the tips of his ears lit up with a bright blush. “In all of the years my sister and I have played the game, we have received nary a peep of complaint from our playmates.”

“The survivors?” prompted Dry.

“All mortals, alas,” said Luna with a deep sigh of regret. “Candles which burn briefly, burn the brightest, and those who Celly ignited… Well, let us just say they enjoyed the raging inferno.” She paused with a look of heartfelt remembrance. “The mares seemed to last the longest, though. Better physical conditioning, I suppose.”

“That reminds me.” Dry Roast slipped out of his apron and put it in the laundry, trying not to look like he was fleeing his certain doom. “I’ll run the leftover pastries over to the Meals on Wheels if you’ll close up the shop and—” Dry took a quick look at Twilight “—take Sleeping Beauty back to her castle. I need to get over to Bulk’s Gym to catch up on my exercise program. My life may depend on it, after all.”

“Very well.” Luna lit up her horn and the coffee equipment began to disassemble itself for cleaning. “We shall see you later.”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

“And that’s where I am now,” said Dry Roast, panting through a thick layer of sweat while sitting at the side of the exercise mat at the gym. “Between your friend and Princess Luna… well, your friends and Princess Luna, I’m… um…”

“Bucked,” said Rainbow Dash, who was not nearly as soaked with sweat as Dry Roast. Their afternoon sparring session had been a complete success so far, i.e. Dry Roast was still alive and had all of his limbs unbroken, and Rainbow had even sounded the slightest bit impressed at his performance, which Dry was mentally crediting to the amount of ducking and dodging he was doing outside of the gym lately.

“Yeah.” Dry rubbed the damp towel through his mane and considered getting back on the mat, except for the obvious point that Rainbow Dash would start tossing him around again.

“Doesn’t sound like you’re trying to get out from underneath it,” said Rainbow, thoughtfully instead of her normal impatient attempts to declare break time over and the tossing around time to begin.

“No. Not at all.” Dry Roast considered his words and decided to add, “Even Twilight sounds like she’s willing to… compete.”

“What if I don’t want to give you up?” said Rainbow abruptly and in a totally unexpected turn of the conversation. “I mean, I took you to that fancy tulip tasting party.”

“And promptly loaned me out to Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity,” said Dry.

“A loan. They brought you back.”

“Rarity kissed me. And she sold the rights to a kiss for charity after the event.”

“Fair wear and tear.” Without even telegraphing her motion in the slightest, Rainbow Dash kissed Dry Roast right on the lips, then sat back and licked her lips. “Yum, salty. See, they still work, so no harm, no foul.”

“Rainbow Dash!” The anguished voice from the doorway of the gym was quickly revealed to be from Twilight Sparkle, who half-flapped, half-galloped across the intervening distance in order to glare down at her colorful friend. “What are you doing to him?”

“Relax, Twi. I just gave him a quick smooch.” The smoocher looked at the smooch-ee and waggled an eyebrow. “Not bad, actually. I may just put up a fight for him myself.”

“That’s—” Twilight stopped in place and simmered, much like a pressure cooker building up steam for an explosion. She looked astonishingly cute, with her mane still all ruffled up and knotted from sleeping on the coffee bags and four padded hoof-protectors like the rest of the ponies in the gym, but Dry did not even think about cracking a joke, because she was not wearing a horn-pad like he was, and he really did not want to be sent to the moon.

Or impaled. Or sent to the moon after being impaled to hide the body.

“Ah, thou art still jousting at the pells, Rainbow Dash.” Luna strode boldly (as if Dry had seen her stride in any other way) into the gym and up to Twilight’s side. She was dressed much the same as the younger princess, only with black hoof-protectors and horn-pad, and without any of her princess stuff. “Since our prospective mate is using this time to hone his combat skills, we thought it wise to bring young Twilight Sparkle for an evaluation as to her suitability for the ongoing competition.”

“Huh?” Rainbow Dash looked back and forth between the two princesses.

Dry let out a breath and shook his head. “She wants you to see if Twilight Sparkle can spar.”

“Oh, that. Sure! She’s pretty good at it.”

Now it was Dry Roast’s turn to look back and forth between Rainbow and Twilight. “You’ve been giving private lessons?”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “Every day or two, during flying practice. It’s just that here, they both need…” She took a quick glance at Princess Luna and hesitated before going any further.

Dry Roast decided to pick up the conversational thread before it tied somepony up or got knotted. “She means, Luna, that anypony who spars on the mat at the gym needs to be evaluated by the teacher—”

“That’s me,” said Rainbow.

“—before they can practice. Even though you have your protective gear. It’s because of insurance.” Evidently, the concept of insurance was not one of the modern ideas Dry needed to explain, because Luna nodded in understanding.

“Of course. Miss Dash, if you would take your place upon the mattress of combat.” Luna stepped out onto the mat and crouched, seeming far too much like a hunting tiger for Dry’s comfort. “Since I may be slightly out of touch with modern combat methods, we should start with simple blocks and counters at first, but we can work up to more complicated movements once we become familiar with each other’s bodies.”

“Hey, no prob.” Rainbow braced herself and nodded at her opponent. “How do you want—”

“HAVE AT THEE!”

The blueish-black blur of Luna’s passage did not surprise Dry Roast at all, and he held out a hoof to prevent Twilight Sparkle from joining the ball of flailing limbs and wings that was rolling across the mat toward the distant wall. “Saw that one coming a mile away.”

“They’re fighting!” exclaimed Twilight. “We need to do something!”

“Staying out of the way is something,” said Dry, although he winced at one of the ongoing moves between the two combatants. “I didn’t think either of them was that flexible,” he murmured.

“That’s… a little disturbing,” said Twilight, who moved up next to Dry as the ball of pegasus and alicorn bounced from one place to another on the mat. “I’m fairly sure biting somepony on the tail is supposed to be a foul.”

“In a tournament match, maybe. Rainbow’s been teaching me… um… Awesome Style, as she puts it. The only rule seems to be ‘If Rainbow Dash wins, it’s not cheating.’”

“Same here. They certainly have to restrain their moves indoors.” Twilight Sparkle’s horn lit up as if she were going to pull out a notepad to take notes, then went out. “Drat. I left my writing things back at the castle.”

“Just have to take mental notes, I guess.” Dry Roast took a deep breath and blinked a few times while the ongoing fight continued to move from place to place on the mat with no sign of surrender on either of their parts. “That is so hot,” he murmured.

“What?” Twilight glared at him. “You think two mares fighting over you is… um… Actually, that is a little... enticing,” she added when Rainbow Dash managed to get Luna turned over on her side and wrapped up two legs to keep her off-balance. Briefly.

“Alicorn instincts. Luna said her competition with Celestia wasn’t limited to stallions. Something about the mares being more talented and… surviving longer during—” Dry Roast yelped and jumped at the unexpected touch of Twilight Sparkle’s wing on his sweaty flank.

“Sorry, Mister Roast. I just wanted to check… um… You’re awfully sweaty for just sparring.”

“I work out on the machines first.” He took another look at the ongoing wrestling match and turned for the doorway. “Since it looks like those two are going to monopolize the mat for the rest of the afternoon, how about I show you the exercise machines, and you can get familiar with how they work. It probably wouldn’t hurt for you to get on a regular exercise program.”

“That makes sense,” said Twilight, following along behind him and leaving the sound of padded combat behind them. “I don’t normally get much exercise other than walking when we go save the world.”

“Yeah, Luna’s all lean and muscular while you’re a little round and—” Dry Roast cut off abruptly and looked back at Twilight, who likewise had stopped in the gym corridor and was glaring at him.

“Go ahead. Finish that sentence.”

Dry Roast shook his head.

Twilight Sparkle growled, “Are you saying I’m fat?”

Dry paused for thought, then responded, “There’s no safe way to answer that question, is there?”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

The afternoon sunlight and the light southern breeze felt good against Dry Roast’s damp coat, making it stiffen up and crinkle a little where it dried to a crunchy crust. His afternoon workout had been light on sparring and long on the exercise machinery, but it felt good to have the familiar ache of sore muscles stretching out during the walk home. He preferred small weights with long repetitions to build endurance instead of raw power, but it was a little intimidating to see a ‘chubby’ alicorn like Twilight exercise with heavy weights that he was probably a few years of practice away from being able to use without injury.

Luna, however…

Certainly, the relatively few dents she had made in the ‘wing-thing’ machine (Rainbow Dash’s description, not his) would buff out, unlike the dents she had made in Rainbow’s ego with her performance on the mat. They had agreed to call their sparring match a draw, and the subsequent ‘competition’ in wing weightlifting had gone lopsidedly in the alicorn’s favor. Even the inexperienced Twilight could match Rainbow’s raw lifting power, although Luna was forced to admit she had never done a Sonic Rainboom and most probably would not be able to, because the talent was part of Rainbow Dash’s cutie mark.

Rainbow Dash declared that a victory. Luna called it a draw.

“Farewell, Rainbow Dash!” Dry had almost forgotten about Luna strolling along by his side — having exchanged her pads for legwarmers and a headband — until she waved at Rainbow, who appeared to be headed for her distant cloud-home. There was not quite the usual zing to her speed, and a slight list to one side that she continuously had to correct until vanishing into her home by way of a window.

“Did you two have fun sparring?” Dry Roast tried to sound casual, and not like the prize in a crane machine.

“Oh, it was most delightful!” Luna’s pace turned into more of a prance by his side, and she hurried him up with the brush of her tail. “She is a most invigorating opponent, clever and resourceful. Regrettably, she informed us that she will not be a party to the competition between Princess Twilight and ourself, other than to provide support and training. And how was your practice with Twilight and the clever mechanical contrivances?”

“She caught on quickly,” admitted Dry. “Perhaps, a little too quickly. I may have implied that she was… a little overweight.”

“Verily, it is said that many stallions prefer a mare with proper padding. In days of old, a rounded flank was a sign of great physical attractiveness, and my sister was greatly admired for her shapely figure. Now, however, she considers a few slices of cake an infirmity that can take forever to exercise away.” Luna nodded sharply during their walk, as if picturing her sister and the admittedly rounded corners that Dry Roast had noticed during the flower festival.

“Back to sparring,” said Dry rather quickly. “I really don’t see why you brought Twilight Sparkle to the gym for sparring. I mean I understand you’re competing against her for… um… me, but I really didn’t expect to see you both on the same mat.”

“Or mattress,” said Luna, brushing up against him again while walking. “It is a great practice of control. We are far too used to smashing an enemy into a tower or collapsing a building upon them. Mortal lovers are far more fragile.”

“Um….” He had to admit it out loud. “That is both incredibly hot and somewhat disturbing.”

“Yes, we are.” Luna checked a wing while walking. “Drat. I seem to have cracked a number of primaries.”

Dry shrugged. “You should have taken it a little easier on your first day. Is it going to cause any problems on your trip back home?”

“Nay, we merely need to preen them for a few minutes before our flight.” She paused with her teeth almost at her wingtip, then resumed her statuesque stride. “I really do not wish to groom myself in public. Could we go to your house first?”

Before Dry could respond, a low rumbling filled the area, and Luna looked away.

“The market’s pretty much closed by now,” said Dry. “How about if I make you a sandwich too?”

It turned out to be a task fully within his limited abilities, although Dry Roast was a little disturbed at how casually Luna slipped into his bathroom when he was walking into the kitchen, and just how quickly she had the water running before he managed to get the sandwich bread out of the breadbox. In her castle, Princess Luna most probably could order whatever she wanted to eat, piles of exotic ingredients prepared by the finest chefs in the kingdom, but here, she was limited to whole wheat loaf, mayo, and enough veggies to make an impressive salad.

Dry did not like fancy salads. He liked sandwiches.

The only problem with a Dry Roast veggie sandwich was volume, which made the bread not want to stick together and the whole mess drip little bits of sliced olives or chunks of tomato with every bite. It took two long toothpicks to peg the sandwich together when he was done, but just as he was slicing it carefully in half and preparing to get Luna’s sandwich foundations laid… well, prepared with thick gobs of mayo…

Why does everything have sexual innuendo to it this afternoon?

“Done!” Luna pranced into the kitchen, still damp and glistening with one of Check’s towel thrown over her back. Before he realized what was happening, she hustled him away from the kitchen table and back into the bathroom with precise flicks of her wings and tail, closing the door after him and calling out, “And use soap under thy pits!”

His stomach protested the absence of his hard-constructed sandwich, but Dry scrubbed away the sweat and dirt of the day as he had been commanded, taking extra effort to soap and rinse his sweaty pits twice before emerging from the shower. He was in no real hurry, because Luna most likely had already made herself a sandwich and departed for her home from the little verbal cues she had been dropping about having an important afternoon appointment she did not want to miss.

It was odd but nice, having a princess sharing his custom tub. With what little dating he had done before, he had never gotten as close to any of the other mares as he had with Luna. Heck, he knew more about her and vice versa after their first week of loitering at the front door of the shop in the wee hours of the morning than he had learned about any other mare he had met in his life.

Maybe that was an advantage. After all, Canterlot was filled with suave unicorn stallions who were willing to say and do anything to get a hoof-up on the competition. Dry had no desire to climb the social ladder any further than the low rungs he had achieved. He knew everypony in town, or at least those who drank coffee or cocoa, and had such a good time running his store that at times he had to remind himself he was the boss. Luna seemed to enjoy the rural camaraderie just as much or more, greeting every repeat customer by name and inquiring about the health of their family or activities of their children while mixing their order. It was certainly nothing like what she did in Canterlot on those long, lonely nights, and from what she had told Dry over the last few weeks, he would have gone looking for some way to distract himself too after a few weeks of that job. Or gone nuts.

He pictured himself, Prince Dry Roast, who descended from Canterlot on long, dark wings to frequent the coffee shop of a young coffee mare who likewise was lonely. Trying not to overuse his royal prerogative. Tentatively poking their relationship as not to unfairly pressure the sweet young thing into something she may not be willing to do. Competing with… his older brother, who—

No, the whole daydream broke up at that point. Mostly because of the frogs.

Anyway, it was far past her bedtime, so Luna was probably already halfway back to Canterlot this afternoon to get some sleep in her own bed. Dry finished drying, hung up his towel, and considered the bathroom wall with a skeptical look to the future.

More towel racks. Two, at least, with towels big enough for a princess so she doesn’t need to borrow Rain Check’s. Just in case.

After strolling back out into the kitchen to see what food Luna had left behind, Dry Roast checked the bread box for any more bread, the icebox for any uneaten veggies, and finally resorted to noshing out of his little brother’s salad container in the very back of the icebox. There had been enough food to keep two young stallions comfortably fed for the next few days, but after licking the bottom of the salad bowl and putting it in the sink, an ant would have starved on what crumbs remained in the house. He took a moment to write ‘everything’ on the shopping list before sauntering upstairs with his extra alarm clock floating behind him.

Then stopped and considered his occupied bed.

Again.

He did not have long to appreciate the view, with Luna’s long mane flowing down the side of the bed and her eyes covered in a midnight-blue sleep mask. His introspective inspection was interrupted by a wisp of that flowing tail, when it wrapped itself around his ankle and tugged.

He tugged back. It was much like tugging on a mountain.

After a few moments of relative immobility on both of their parts, a second wisp of stellar material wound sensuously around another leg and began to slide in an upwards direction, as if it were seeking something while nudging him in the direction of the bed.

He considered it, then moved in the direction he was being nudged until he was tucked under the covers and wrapped around, much like a large teddy bear. Using his magic, he set his alarm for a later than usual wake-up call, put the clock back on the sideboard, then relaxed and just let himself be held. After a few gentle touches, the uncomfortable tail-motions in the direction of his nether regions stopped, but various legs and wings required considerable adjusting before the two of them fit quite properly, with him being in the little spoon position.

It was very relaxing.

And before he realized it, Dry Roast fell sound asleep.

Author's Note

John Wayne is my hero.

14. Try Something Different Today

Her Royal Morning Coffee
Try Something Different Today

Caution: Dear readers, we may be pushing the boundaries of the ‘Teen’ label in this chapter. Just remember what it was like being a teenager, and you will consider this chapter to be relatively tame. However, if you are not a teenager yet, the author would like to encourage you to simply press the ‘Next’ button and go onto the next chapter, while considering the reading that you missed to be full of icky naughty bits that you are not interested in yet.

Don’t worry. That will change.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled chapter, already in progress.

The best part of waking up was not coffee. His opinion had changed this morning. Dry Roast now considered the best part of waking up to be a good evening’s sleep with a warm body curled around his back, followed by a soft hoof gently rubbing up and down his side during his ascent out of slumber. It was restful, entrancing, and erotic in a way he had never experienced before. There was no gentle persuasion in that soft touch, but more a suppressed desire much like a slumbering volcano, hungering for the sacrifice of a humble virgin lest it loose a torrent of molten magma on the unsuspecting village below.

Although Dry was no virgin, and the sacrifice most likely desired would release that volcanic power, not restrain it. Sometimes, dating a princess made it very difficult to come up with adequate analogies. Or pantries.

There was no real burning need to get out of bed this morning because the room was still dark and the embrace of both legs and wings warm. Still, his mind was awake and his body did not really want to go back to sleep either, so Dry Roast remained still for the time being and considered both the situation he was in, and the one he seemed to be entering. Not that he was having second thoughts about his relationship with Luna, by no means. There was even a solid hint of the ‘L’ word in his mind that Luna had encouraged through a detailed recounting of her previous lovers yesterday morning.

Thankfully, she had not ranked them. Also thankfully, Dry Roast felt a sort of camaraderie with the stallions and mares who had preceded him, and most likely those who she would embrace long after he had passed away into dust. It was a special sort of immortality that exceeded having a statue or a building named after him, a warm sense being remembered with affection in the centuries to come.

Wait. Bad phrasing. Let’s deal with the present and leave the future to others.

Dry Roast reached out with one hoof and touched it against the soft tickle tracing up and down his side, returning the gentle stroking while he turned in bed to meet the aggressive lips headed in his direction. They kissed, a long, slow set of motions with considerable enthusiasm involving gentle tongue play and the occasional nip, rising in passion and ebbing for necessary breathing. Her hot breath like fire across his face was a welcome part of the morning, broken only when she drew back after one particularly long and vigorous kiss to breathe a verbal response.

“I like this.”

The voice was most distinctly not Princess Luna.

Dry Roast’s eyes popped open of their own accord to take in the relative nearness of Princess Twilight’s face, and the expression of unbridled glee she wore. Dry could not deny he liked the kissing and other things going on beneath the sheets, but his brains had been scrambled by the abrupt princess substitution, and the kisses were not helping. Or they were helping, just not in the direction he anticipated.

“Actually, I wasn’t really expecting this,” he managed to say.

“Me neither,” breathed Twilight Sparkle, moving nearer and nipping at the edges of his lips while keeping him pinned down, “but speaking of expecting, as long as we’re both here and in bed, there’s something I wanted to try.”

She leaned back, which did not help Dry Roast’s confused brain because the reduction of pressure on his chest was made up by an increase of pressure somewhere else a little further down. Then Twilight Sparkle’s horn lit up and Dry closed his eyes.

He was already experiencing a great deal of the magic of an Equestrian princess, in a way that would be quite difficult to explain in mixed company. The wave of magic that swept across him was actual magic, not based in hormones and blood pressure, and left his stomach lurching in a way that made Dry very glad he had not eaten much for dinner before bed.

When he opened his eyes again, the shadowed crystal bedroom was still the way he remembered it, but Twilight had… changed. And a nervous glance underneath her where he was still pinned showed the transformation had been mutual.

“This race is called humans. They have hands, and these are fingers,” said the transformed princess, taking one of Dry Roast’s altered hooves and placing it on her bare chest. “And these are called breasts. Hold onto that and wriggle your fingers around. I don’t have quite as much tissue there as the rest of my friends on the other side of the mirror portal, but Applejack says they’re two of the best friends a girl… Ahh, like that,” she added after placing Dry Roast’s other hand on the other side. “And that’s strange. You’ve got two of them also.”

Twilight Sparkle placed her long-fingered hands on Dry’s chest and tweaked, making what seemed like lightning shoot up his chest and nearly bucking her slender form off where she was straddling him. She managed to twist her hind legs in a way to wrap them around his in a very non-pony fashion, in order to hang on while she did it again. It was weird beyond reason to see Twilight as not-Twilight, with such a flat face and… well, the rest of her body was just as strange but undeniably attractive to his own transformed body.

“Ummm… Notes,” declared Twilight. “Don’t move while I get my… Well, you can move that,” she clarified with a little wriggle of her bare rump. “I just… need to make a few… observations.”

“Miss Sparkle,” started Dry Roast when his captor grabbed a notebook and pen. “I really think…”

It was an outright lie, of course, because Dry Roast was not in any condition to think coherently, or even incoherently while trapped in this position. At least she had quit tweaking the odd protuberances on his chest, so his brain had regained a little blood flow, but she frowned at him when Dry tried to take his hands off of her chest too.

“Rub them in circles, please,” she instructed. “Rarity says a truly considerate lover allows the lady to go first.” Twilight closed her eyes and a shudder traveled through her body. “And second,” she added before bending her head to the notebook and scribbling with the pen in her teeth. She scribbled for a few minutes, which allowed Dry to collect what few thoughts he had left, before saying, “Mister Roast, or should I call you Dry since we’re… um… in bed now?”

He was not feeling very dry. In fact, he was feeling very sweaty, but ‘roasted’ seemed to match the temperature of his face and another area he was trying not to think about. To distract himself from the ongoing activity, he replied, “Just Dry. I didn’t know you could do a transformation spell like this.”

“Oh, yes,” said Twilight from around the pen without stopping writing for a moment. “I’ve turned all of my friends into Breezies, and Fluttershy into… Well, that’s not important. It’s just…. um… a matter of concen— Eeep!” She dropped the pen and closed her eyes with a moan. “Yes, right there.”

Dry was not sure where there was, but something seemed off about the whole… everything. What really jumped to the attention of his distracted mind was that Twilight had dropped the pen, but it had not landed on him. He put one hand on his own cheek before running the other hand down her side and rested it on her warm rump…

Then he pinched them both. Hard.

Waking up from a very good dream is one thing. Waking up from a very good dream to find yourself in nearly the exact same position, but different bodies, was something else. Thankfully, Twilight Sparkle was back to being an alicorn princess, although she was still twisted around him in a way that made him wonder if Princess Luna was similarly double-jointed, and for some reason, if Celestia was also.

Stop it, brain. You’ll fry us both.

They stared at each other for a few moments, which due to limitations of pony anatomy was about the only thing they could do, before a quiet giggle out in the hallway drew both of their attentions. It matched a dark shadow against Twilight Sparkle’s open bedroom door, with a flowing mane and familiar tall horn.

“Now, kiss,” whispered Luna’s voice from out in the hallway.

Dry Roast picked up a pillow in his magic and flung it at the same time Twilight Sparkle threw three of them, each of the feathered projectiles making an abrupt right-angle turn at the doorway and thwapping into the lunar target hiding there. A second barrage of pillows failed to find their marks, because there was a loud giggle and the faint popping noise of a teleport spell before impact, leaving the bedroom empty except for the two of them and a large quantity of embarrassment.

There was a sharp thud of the bedroom door closing and the deep pinkish-purple of a privacy spell that followed, surrounding the bedroom and lighting both naked ponies in the middle of Twilight Sparkle’s bed. It took Dry Roast a few minutes to come up with… to find some words that were not double-entendres, and even then he was limited to, “So?”

“That was… odd,” said Twilight Sparkle, although she did not move from her straddling position on top of him.

It was not a bad position, per se. It was also not a position he had ever considered getting into with a princess, but even though he was fairly sure Twilight would get off… that is move so he could sit up in bed, he really did not want that either. What he did want were answers. He just could not think of the questions.

“Luna must have messed with your dream… our dreams after you teleported me here again,” said Dry Roast.

“Again?” Twilight Sparkle lowered her head until she was nose to nose with Dry, as well as other things to other things. “I think I would have remembered this.”

“It was the morning I made you breakfast,” said Dry rapidly.

“I don’t remember having a dream like that before either,” said Twilight. She used her magic to pinch her foreleg, then Dry Roast’s foreleg, and looked… pleased that nothing changed in the room.

“Blame Luna. She’s probably a little upset that I fell asleep last night after she teased me into my bed.”

“You fell asleep?” Twilight had a very skeptical look at that close range. “Look, I know I’m inexperienced, but even I know that’s not what you should do when a mare entices you into her bed. Your bed. A bed.”

Dry Roast looked around the bedroom, then back at Twilight.

“You know what I mean,” grumbled Twilight, adding an adorable pout that nearly melted his heart.

“You are the one who had the dream about turning me into a human and experimenting on my bits,” countered Dry, with a little nudge to get Twilight off… that is moved to one side so he was not pinned to the bed anymore. It did not work. Well, it did work, but not in the way he was trying.

“It was supposed to be mutual experimentation, Mister Roast.” She gave a little distracting wriggle. Delightful, even. “If you hadn’t pinched me…” Twilight sat back on her haunches and tapped her forehooves together.

“I think we should be awake for that,” suggested Dry. “And comfortable enough to at least call each other by our first names.” He looked at the glowing barrier spell around the room. “Do you think Luna thinks we’re…”

Twilight Sparkle tapped her forehooves together with a raised inquisitive eyebrow. “Yes. Probably. I mean I want to, but… um…”

“You want to see if we’re compatible?”

“Oh, I’m sure we’d fit together,” said Twilight Sparkle, gathering verbal speed. “With as little as you’ve let me see, you don’t seem to be too far away from the average length and diameter—”

“Miss Sparkle,” said Dry Roast.

“—and although we’ve never…” Twilight cautiously tapped her forehooves together again. “Well, I haven’t, other than with toys before.”

“Miss Sparkle,” said Dry Roast, a little louder.

“It was just during a few late-night study sessions with my friends back when I was in school and we were in this experimentation phase,” she continued.

Dry wanted to say something, but held himself back because the one-way conversation was just getting interesting.

“And I’ve never gotten up the nerve to continue my experiments here in Ponyville, but you were here, and I was here, and I’ve got all these weird feelings…” Twilight Sparkle stopped and tapped her forehooves slowly together with a questioning look. “You know. Since you and Luna are…” She tapped her hooves together rapidly.

“No,” said Dry Roast. “Not even once. We’ve talked for hours and kissed—” Now it was Dry’s turn to speed up “—and I’m pretty sure she wants to, but she’s trying not to push me faster than I want to go and besides the time we spend out under the stars talking is a very nice time…”

He took a quick look at Twilight’s bedstand clock and relaxed just a little, even though it was not much due to his environment. There still was time, if he got out of this situation, or if he wanted to get out of this situation, get to the coffee shop, and open before Applejack showed. If nothing else, Luna could—

“She’s really going to think we’re…” Dry Roast tapped his forehooves together with a questioning look.

Twilight Sparkle nodded.

“And that’s going to make her…” Twilight looked as if she were thinking the same thing, with an expression of wide-eyed eagerness that telegraphed her anticipation to Dry perfectly.

“You want to watch, don’t you?”

“Yes!” squealed Twilight quietly with rapid tapping of her forehooves. “Just for research purposes,” she added. “Not that I could join in. Very effectively. Excepting several positions.”

Dry Roast considered his position, both physically and mentally. It was certainly tempting in both ways. That point was obvious, and a little uncomfortable with the way Twilight was putting her weight on it, keeping him pinned to the bed. He shifted positions slightly while thinking, which both helped and hindered his thinking process, but there was one thing bothering him other than a severe need to use the bathroom.

“You really don’t care about me in a romantic fashion, do you? “

The words seemed to trigger a look of stunned realization in the young alicorn princess as her mind went down one long sequence of logical chains, her wings and ears drooping a little more with every thought. It made Dry feel a little like a rotten bully on the inside despite his submissive position, and he quickly moved… well, not moved per se, because he was fairly pinned. He quickly spoke up to reassure her.

“Maybe… a date would help.”

“A date!” The depressed alicorn grabbed the idea with the enthusiasm of a frog spotting a particularly tasty fly. Before the metaphorical train could reach the station, let alone go barreling down the tracks to the washed-out bridge over the explosive factory, Dry derailed the train of thought, or at least tried to throw a switch to move it to a set of less dangerous tracks.

“A date. Not an extensive research project with tests and checklists. Lunch, maybe.”

“Lunch?” asked Twilight, shifting positions to get more comfortable, then suddenly rising up a little bit when she realized what the uncomfortable thing she was sitting on was.

“Yes,” said Dry, feeling a little frustrated and in minor pain from the weight redistribution. “It is common for a stallion to take a mare out for lunch before she drags him into bed and transforms him into a naked alien creature for the purposes of sexual experimentation.”

“Oh.” Twilight tapped her chin in thought and sat back down, cutting off Dry Roast’s attempt to wriggle free. “So, after lunch…?”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

“...and that’s where we are now,” explained Dry Roast to Luna as they cleaned up the counter in the mid-morning break. “Twilight has a lecture scheduled tomorrow in Canterlot at Celestia’s school, and of course, having a date today doesn’t leave her enough time to plan.”

“So, did you…” Luna snickered and tapped her forehooves together, something which Dry was regretting telling her about.

“Not until we know each other better,” said Dry with as much force as he could under the influence of Luna’s mischievous eyes. “She’s not the Princess of Friendship With Benefits, and don’t give me that Cat Who Ate The Canary look.”

“Mrowr,” purred Luna with a convincing hiccup at the end that left a little illusionary yellow feather floating in front of her mouth and the hint of a smile around her lips that made Dry Roast giggle despite himself.

Straightening his expression out, Dry continued, “I was going to tell you when I first got to work this morning, but you looked like you were having such a good time at my expense.”

“The competition was heating up, and I was so looking forward to comparing notes with young Twilight’s technique.” Luna giggled. “Education by osmosis. Shining Armor enjoyed the process despite his protestations, and Cadence found many aspects of her talent enhanced by my experience.” She giggled again, unable to stop for several minutes, and started up again every time she looked at Dry.

“What?” asked Dry once the giggles had died down to an occasional snort.

“Oh, nothing,” said Luna with a casual wave of one hoof. “It is just after a thousand years of separation, I know not whether Celestia has gained more knowledge than I in the matters of passion, or if perhaps the ages have dulled her senses so that it would take a similarly fiery stallion to bring that spark back to her heart and ignite the blazing inferno of her desires.”

“Hey, I don’t do blazing infernos. I just do hot coffee,” said Dry. “And once work is over today, I’m going to be shopping for groceries. Somepony ate our icebox empty at the house.”

“Oops!” Luna covered her mouth with one hoof and gave a polite burp.

“Not a problem. A gentlecolt should be willing to feed his intended romantic partner.” Dry Roast paused. “Provided you don’t eat like that all of the time, or I’ll die skinny from bankruptcy and princess snuggles.” He paused again, waiting for a reaction. “That was a joke.”

“If you are seeking to avoid a romantic entanglement with my sister, I would advise you not to raise that particular… aspect of alicorn metabolism in conversation. Celly has been rather sensitive about her rear, and the concept of burning away those excess pounds may appeal to her.”

“Burning?” asked Dry, weakly.

Luna kissed him on the cheek. “You would be as safe in her embrace as you are in mine. Unless she lost control, of course.”

“That’s… part of…” Dry clopped his forehooves together slowly.

Luna purred, “The best part.”

In a futile attempt to change the subject to something that would allow his bright blush to cool, Dry Roast fumbled with several empty containers at the coffee machine. There were only a few customers in the main room, some of which Dry suspected were lingering just to eavesdrop. Particularly Lyra, who was taking notes.

“Could you go into the storeroom and get another bottle of maple syrup, sweetie?” Dry looked up to see Luna giggling at the unexpected nickname, and she gave him a soft kiss right on the lips before striding away to the storeroom, flicking her tail and calling back over her shoulder.

“I am so looking forward to your ‘date’ with the fair Princess Sparkle. Perhaps I should set aside a few containers of chocolate syrup for afterward.”

Her giggling was audible even inside the storeroom, as well as her voice when she called out, “Catch!”

The air in front of Dry distorted and a bottle of maple syrup appeared, which he caught with his magic and began to swap the spigot on the expended bottle for the new one. The giggling from the storeroom did not cease, and Dry began to suspect that if he had gone into the storeroom for the syrup instead, Luna would have followed him, and neither of them would have been behind the counter for the noon rush.

A sticky situation, indeed.

“You know, you could have just teleported the syrup here without going back to the storeroom,” called out Dry.

Luna chortled and teleported three bottles of other syrups to him in rapid succession. “And miss waving my rear? You blush divine.”

Dry nodded while stashing the bottles below the counter. True.

“Besides,” she added with an additional giggle while emerging from the storeroom with several stacks of foam cups following her like ducklings after their mother. “It is far more difficult to pull something by teleportation from a distance.”

Dry Roast giggled a little to himself as he bumped rumps with Luna while they were restocking the foam cups, each stack sliding effortlessly into their sockets just the same as a set of facts slid into place in his mind. Without really realizing it, he said, “So, both times I wound up in Twilight’s bedroom in the morning, you put me there?”

Lyra out in the main room blurted out, “Both?” before looking down at her notes and trying to look innocuous.

Flickering dark lashes over her dangerous eyes, Luna rubbed noses with Dry and spoke in the low voice of a dangerous temptress. “The two of you just needed a little encouragement.”

“I don’t think Twilight needs encouragement,” countered Dry Roast. “Manacles, maybe.”

Luna smiled and returned to putting the cups away. “I shall loan her mine, forthwith.”

“Not on a first date,” countered Dry Roast again. “The day after tomorrow we have a date scheduled over at Gustave’s. Just lunch and talking. No getting teleported into her bed or transformed into… whatever that was. Nothing kinky. We’re just going to get something to eat and talk for a while, like we do outside every morning, so can I get you to close up the coffee shop after the noon rush is over?”

“So you can open Twilight Sparkle’s… heart?” Luna waggled one eyebrow and Dry rolled his eyes.

“If you want me to be a part of this alicorn competition you’re having, I…” Dry Roast ran out of words at that point. Flirting back with Princess Luna had gotten to be such fun that he had not really thought about what he was trying to get Princess Twilight to do. Well, what he was trying to get her to do before she did what she had wanted to do this morning. Having a single romantic engagement in college had seemed so complicated until now. Romancing two alicorns, one of whom thought of him as some sort of convenient lab rat⁽*⁾, was… Well, beyond words.
(*) An unfair comparison. Twilight would never subject one of her two laboratory rodents to a transformation spell without their signed permissions.

Luna brushed up beside him and batted her eyes so close that he could feel them on his overheated neck. “Will this ‘date’ keep you from falling asleep in my embrace again?”

Dry, feeling vaguely rebellious, retorted, “I couldn’t help it. You’re comfortable.”

Luna snorted in a way that made Dry fairly certain that she planned some sort of overwhelming divine vengeance once Twilight’s first date was over.

And he was looking forward to it.

15. I Laugh at Decaf

Her Royal Morning Coffee
Procaffeinating (n.) A tendency not to do anything before coffee

Ponyville was odd. Pinkie Pie claimed that it was because there was only one Ponyville in existence, which went for most towns, so therefore all towns were odd, which made Ponyville perfectly normal. But other than being numerically odd (and prime by some math systems), there were oddities in Ponyville that other towns did not have.

Gustave’s Fancy Restaurant was one of them.

The Prench griffon who ran the place was a chef of chiffon, a master of marzipan, and a national competitor in baking contests which led to his restaurant being open or closed at erratic times. Today, it was open. Customers who had the good fortune to acquire a reservation (or to have mentioned that they were wanting a quiet booth to have lunch with Princess Twilight Sparkle) were scattered around, enjoying the ambiance of the Prench wall hangings and the elaborate meals which the chef personally delivered to their tables. It was a quiet and intimate location, perfect for an awkward alicorn and a hesitant Dry Roast’s first date together.

There was really no reason for Dry to be nervous.

He had scurried over from the coffee shop at noon, trying to figure out if he had enough time to go home and take a quick shower but concerned enough about missing Twilight to skip that step. After all, if she liked his coffee-flavored scent first thing in the morning, adding to it would save the concern about what kind of cologne she would appreciate.

Eau de Colomburroin Roast

Greatly relieved that he had made it to the restaurant first, Dry checked his watch, accepted the booth Gustave had reserved for them, and used his available time to practice what he was going to say when Twilight Sparkle showed up. After a few minutes, he had his words all prepared. After a few hours, he was considering some different words.

Gustave was a great comfort to Dry’s nerves, bringing him crispy breadsticks and constant assurances that Twilight was very reliable, and that if she was not showing up for an appointment, there must have been a very good reason. Once Dry was fairly certain she was not going to show, he reassured the friendly griffon that he was not upset, but just in case Twilight were to show, he should tell her that Dry was just going to finish up with his normal day, and she could catch him at his usual places. He went over to the gym and worked some of his frustrations out on the exercise machines, then wandered back to his house, eating the flowers he had brought for their date on the way.

The walk felt… empty for some reason without either of the princesses at his side, and oddly off-center. After all, he was having nerves about meeting the pony who had been kissing his lips off at the shop in the early mornings, while being perfectly comfortable with having the Princess of the Moon as his co-worker. There was something seriously wrong with that. Or right.

He checked his mailbox before strolling into the house and making a quick inventory of his bedroom, just in case. Since the house was as empty as Dry had not expected, he took his time showering, made a grocery list in the kitchen, and went to bed.

Alone.

Even his sleep was dreamless.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

The next morning when his alarm went off, Dry staggered to the edge of his bed and blinked his way to wakefulness, still alone. It was like the events of the last few years were all dreams, and all those trips in the tranquil darkness of Ponyville mornings with Luna at his side had been fantasies. He had grown accustomed to her presence every morning, and now without the mischievous princess, or the sleep-deprived one, he was back to a life he had not really realized existed.

He slipped into his slippers and walked into the bathroom to wash his face when something unusual caught his attention. Dry Roast lifted his hooves in turn, looking at the new fuzzy slippers with a crescent moon adorning the tops, and shook his head.

They brought a perky strut to his progress through the darkness of the morning, although he was careful to leave them tucked under his bed before venturing outside.

It was almost dawn before the bell at the front door of the coffee shop jingled, but instead of a princess of either variety, there was a dark, bat-winged pegasus peering in through the open doorway. He was an impressive specimen of nocturnal pegasus, with a dark violet mane and the shiny armor of the Night Guard, but did not seem comfortable at all in his current role.

“Pardon me, Mister Dry Roast. Princess Luna has been called away due to official business, and may not be back for a few days. She… um… asked me…” The dark pegasus pulled out a pencil and a notebook, and uncomfortably slipped into the shop to one of the tables where he could write.

“She wanted a report on my date with Twilight Sparkle, I presume?” Dry took in the dark armor and the rank tab on the breastplate of the Royal Guard before adding, “Lieutenant…”

“Wind Shear, sir. Sorry about that. I’m not used to clerical tasks.” Wind Shear licked the tip of the pencil before reversing it. “Talk slowly, please,” he managed to say from around the pencil in his teeth.

“Nothing. Happened.” Dry paused while the guard wrote, then met his eyes when he looked up. “Yep, that’s all. Twilight Sparkle did not show up for our date yesterday.”

“Oh.” The guard looked down at the notebook and scribbled for a few more sentences.

“Can I get you a coffee?” prompted Dry, moving to the machine and taking a cup off the stack. “Free for members of the Royal Guard before sunrise.”

“Can’t,” muttered Wind Shear while writing. “On duty.”

“Well, that makes sense, I suppose,” said Dry. “I can make you a no-caff for the trip home, though. Seems a shame for you to make the trip all the way down here just for two words.”

“No trouble,” said Wind Shear without stopping writing for a minute. “Been doing the trip for a few weeks now.”

Dry was just putting the unused cup back on the stack when the words soaked in. “Wait a minute. You’ve been watching me for a few weeks?”

“Technically, we’ve been watching Her Highness,” said the guard, still writing. “Their Highnesses,” he corrected, then paused, looking up at Dry Roast with earnest golden eyes. “Um… Don’t tell Princess Twilight Sparkle, please. It’s just a security perimeter while Princess Luna is making her nookie… I mean nightly visits to Ponyville. We’re not even in the betting pool.”

Dry Roast narrowed his eyes. “‘Perimeter’ implies more than just one of you.”

“Twelve,” said Wind Shear once he had quit writing. “Allowing for proper redundancies and overlap in the coverage, although when the foal, or foals, are due, the security contingent is supposed to rise to twenty-four guards for the night shift.”

“And the same for the morning shift, I suppose,” mused Dry Roast absently. “Wait a minute. When the foal is due? We haven’t even… Well, it’s none of your business, anyway.” Dry cleaned an already clean section of counter before adding, “You don’t tell…?”

“No,” said the guard while closing the cover on the notebook, but it was his turn to hesitate after he tucked it away into his saddlebag. The look on his face told just what question he was thinking, and Dry Roast moved to cut him off before the guard could embarrass himself.

“Yes, both of them. Eventually. Well, not both of them. One of them will ‘win’ the right to romance me, and the other will… um… not. Look, it’s an alicorn thing.”

“I think that applies to a great number of things in Canterlot, sir.”

“Yeah.” Dry Roast poured himself a cappuccino and gave it an extra squirt of caramel. “Foals. I never really thought about foals.”

“Happens with a lot of marriages, sir.” The guard peered out the window at the growing skyglow of the impending sunrise, then strolled over to the counter and got out several bits. “I suppose it’s close enough to quitting time. Cinnamon decaf latte, one shot of peppermint, please. And I’m paying for it. You start giving away coffee to guards and they’ll be all over this place like gnats.”

Since he was busy pulling the levers and working the order, Dry Roast really could not do much more than grunt his assent, but he did raise an eyebrow when the guard produced a photograph.

“Wife and three foals,” said the bat-winged guard. “I really didn’t think about it much either until it happened. If you and… um… Princess Luna.” Wind Shear stopped with an expression much like he had just bitten his lip.

“There’s really no subtle way to say it,” said Dry as he put the coffee container on the counter and swept the bits into the cash box. “If I survive either of them, I’ll worry about foals then. If by some wild chance, I wind up with both of them, I’m stone cold dead, and won’t have to worry about it at all.”

The guard made a quiet noise of assent and took a sip out of his coffee. Then, after a long period of silent contemplation, took a longer drink and added a chuckle. “If she knew how good your coffee is, you’d have Princess Celestia showing up every morning too.”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

Just in case, Dry Roast left the shop closing to one of the temps again and scurried over at noon to Gustave’s Fancy Restaurant in order to leave word with Gustave (again) that if Twilight Sparkle showed up, to tell her Dry was at the gym. After a longer workout and a powerful cold shower, he strolled over to the castle in the warm sunshine only to find a note on the door saying that Twilight Sparkle and friends were once again out of the area. He almost left a note in response, but could not figure out how to phrase it in a way that did not sound accusatory or sycophantic.

When Twilight Sparkle gets back, she’ll drop by the store. Or drop into my bedroom in the middle of the night. Or I’ll get dropped into her bedroom in the middle of the night. Or our dreams… I’ll stop thinking about this now.

The brisk walk back through town was likewise bereft of princesses and excitement, or at least until Dry Roast walked into his house and noticed a certain change. He had always traded cleaning tasks with his younger brother ever since moving to town, and been a little embarrassed at how ‘bachelor’ the house looked like because of that, but this afternoon, the kitchen was literally spotless. Every single box of cereal was lined up on the shelves, the floor practically glowed with wax, and if there was a single speck of dirt in the icebox among all of the fresh fruits and vegetables, Dry would have been shocked. The walls even showed signs of recent scrubbing activity, with the glass frames of the pictures so clean they were almost invisible.

Upstairs in his bedroom, signs of the mysterious cleaning continued with the addition of remodeling. His princess-sized bed had been replaced sometime during the morning by a Princess-sized bed, capitalized letters and all, clad in silk sheets and pillows so soft they could have been only woven from baby caterpillars who devoted their lives in some distant monastery to the production of pure softness.

Well, maybe in a metaphorical sense.

There was a noise somewhere in the house that drew Dry Roast’s attention, but it did not sound like a princess in the shower like he half-expected. When he poked his nose into the bathroom — after a brief knock, of course, just in case Rain Check was home early — Dry looked over the two mares inside with a skeptical eye.

“Luna hired you, I presume?” It was a fair guess, because both mares were the nocturnal bat-winged variety of pegasi, dressed in suggestive maid outfits that were adorned with Luna’s crescent moon symbol.

“Oh, Mister Roast, sir.” The older of the two nocturne scurried over to the door and gave a brief bow, spitting out the polishing rag she had been using on the tub. “Sorry, sir. We were supposed to be done by the time you got home, but the house was a little bigger than we expected.”

“And a mess, too,” admitted Dry.

“Anyway, I’m Banana Split,” said the older pegasus, sticking out a hoof to be shaken. “And this is Goose Down, but you can just call us Nana and Goose. We’re normally stationed at the castle, and Princess Luna was supposed to tell you about having us come over and clean — oh, and replacing the bed — but she got called away on that diplomatic task. I hope we’re not inconveniencing you.” The nocturnal pegasus yawned, showing an impressive number of sharp, white teeth. “Sorry, sir. We’re up a little late.”

“No need to stay up past your bedtime on my regard,” said Dry, still a little distracted by the presence of two dark pegasi mares in his bathroom. “Why don’t you break for the day and come back later.” He yawned in return. “I need to get to bed too.”

“I thought you were going to be spending the day in Princess Twilight’s bed?” asked the younger of the two mares.

Her physical shape was a little distracting to Dry Roast, because the young pegasus was only about three-quarters of a pony in height and length, but had twice as much membranous wingspan as any other pony he had seen before. Those huge wings were tucked up to the point where they actually poked out past her cute rump in back and almost to her neck in front, making an ungainly lump on each side. There was a washcloth tied to each wingtip, as well as both forehooves, and one that she had spit out when her coworker had, so in full cleaning mode, she must have looked a little like an octopus on a caffeine bender.

“Goose!” chided the older servant. “It is not our place to pry into Princess Twilight’s personal affairs. Although,” she added with a thoughtful expression directed at Dry, “if Mister Roast happens to become Princess Twilight’s young stallion, I would hope you might consider bringing us in on a work detail for her household. I’m a fully qualified nanny with training in obstetrics and gynecology, while Miss Down has a great deal of experience with both younger siblings and security. She’s hoping to become a Royal Guard someday, where she will be required to maintain substantially more discretion.”

“Sorry, Nana.” Goose Down lowered her head and looked down at the sparkling clean floor. “Sorry, Mister Roast.”

“That’s quite all right.” Dry Roast considered the two servants, trying to think of them as employees at work instead of the staff on some mansion, although none of the temps at work had ever dressed up in a maid outfit. Luna probably would, if he mentioned it, which he planned on not doing. Maybe. “Now, off you go, girls. Back to Canterlot until this evening, please.”

“Very well, sir,” said Banana Split with a brief nod. “Come, Goose.”

“Can’t I just stay, Nana?” Goose gestured with one wing, which splattered a trail from the soapy washcloth fastened to the end, but thankfully she moved slow enough not to be a danger. “I’ve still got half the bathroom wall to get the first washing done on, then the grout brushing and—”

“The master of the house has dismissed us until tomorrow.” Banana Split put on a very sincere expression. “We will discuss your objections in private.”

“Wait a minute,” said Dry with a wave of one hoof. He still needed to use the bathroom before going to bed, but the discussion reminded him far too much of some of his early experiences with employees at the coffee shop. “If I’m the master of the house—” Dry hesitated while adjusting to the odd phrase “—then I should know what is behind your objection.”

“It’s nothing, sir,” insisted Banana Split.

Dry gave her a quelling look, then turned to the younger mare. “Short words and simple sentences, please. I’m very tired.”

Goose Down fidgeted, and when a pegasus squirmed in that fashion, she tended to move her wings, too. With this pegasus and in the small space of Dry’s bathroom, it was far more dramatic. Her broad wings unfolded and folded back up like sails on a schooner in a violent gale before she forced them back onto her flanks and stood with head downcast in the resulting breeze. “I can’t fly. I’m violently ouranophobic. I’d have to catch the train to Canterlot, and the next one isn’t for a few hours, and I’d have to come right back to get to work at Moonrise. It’s easier just to work through the day.”

“I see.” Dry chewed on his bottom lip for a few moments. “That’s really nothing to be too embarrassed about, Goose.”

“It is for a pegasus,” insisted the young mare.

“My brother is deathly afraid of thunder, and he’s a pegasus,” countered Dry while thinking about what the town would say when two attractive nocturnal pegasi left his house and walked to the train station. “Look, we have a guest room downstairs. My parents use it when they visit.”

“You mean the nursery?” asked Goose. “We thought it was a good idea to be prepared, so we put the bassinet down there, and the changing table.”

“And there’s a bed,” said Dry as quickly as he could. “Either or both of you can stay there for as long as Luna has you… assigned here. Just—”

Dry Roast took a very long look at Goose Down’s expansive wings. His little brother was a ‘wingpony’ in the worst possible way, and if Rain Check saw Goose’s wings, he was sure to say or try something inappropriate. Since any maid who served at Luna’s side would also probably be able to tie Rainy into a square knot and toss him into the lake when he got cheeky…

“Just stay out of my brother’s sight, please.” Dry Roast gave a deep sigh. “I like Rain Check, and don’t want him hurt.”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

The next morning — for a given value of ‘morning’ in the house — Dry Roast found himself practically swimming across the new bed to turn off his alarm. To his mild disappointment, there was no other pony in his bed, either the Lunar or Friendship variety, so he put on his new slippers and went through his typical morning ritual, interrupted only by having a towel passed to him in the shower instead of using his magic to float it off the towel rack.

“Thank you, Nana,” he said once he had gotten most of the water blotted away from his face with the sinfully soft cloth. “New towels?”

“Yes, sir,” came Banana Split’s voice from outside the shower. “Your old ones were practically burlap.”

“I was going to put in some new towel racks later,” said Dry a little defensively while drying. “I’ve gotten pretty good at household repair over the last few years. Saved us quite a few bits. Um… the new bed and things, are they coming out of my budget?”

The servant snorted, which made Dry feel a little better. The exquisite bed upstairs would probably double the property value of the house. Add in the towels and whatever other Luna-esque items that were starting to show up, and Dry could easily have found himself both dead from princess snu-snu and dead broke, too.

Worth it!

His habitual path out the door for work was likewise interrupted by Goose Down passing him a paper sack with a packed lunch. It seemed to be something she was used to doing for members of her own family back in Canterlot, due to the distracted kiss on the cheek he received before being pushed out the door by one broad wing. The new changes in his schedule felt good, and it was not until Dry had the store equipment all warmed up and the first cookies in the hot oven before he realized why.

In college, he had always pursued mares with less enthusiasm than his fellow studious stallions, which he blamed on a late start. In order to earn tuition money, he had spent several years in the workplace first, thus putting him in with a much younger crowd in his college classes. Most of the young mares he met there viewed him as less a peer and more a convenient pony to go get the salt for underaged party-planners.

A four year age difference did not seem like it was worth a flicker of an eyelash compared to well over a thousand with Luna. Still, she had expressed interest in him, both physically and mentally, and he would be lying if he tried to deny his own feelings. In all of his fruitless years of dating, this was the first time he had ever actually… he was not sure. Maybe there was more to this princess competition than they realized. Now he wanted to see if there was a spark of passion in Twilight Sparkle that could be encouraged into a roaring inferno.

Despite, or maybe because of the resulting roasting he would get between them.

There were not many better ways to go, considered Dry Roast while sipping on the first cappuccino of the morning. Having a foal by a princess was not anything he had really considered before. Young Prince Perkolator, maybe. No, too frivolous. Besides, stallions never got to pick names, or Dry Roast would be named Bottom Line, like his father the storekeeper had wanted.

“Pardon me, Mister Roast, sir?” The Night Guard from yesterday poked his head in the coffee shop doorway and cocked an eyebrow.

“No date yesterday either,” said Dry. “I think Twilight Sparkle and her friends were out of town. I’m sure she’ll reschedule soon.”

“Thank you, sir.” And with that, the dark pegasus vanished out into the predawn gloom, leaving Dry Roast alone with his thoughts. There were a lot of young stallions who would be going through nervous conniptions in his place, but Dry had cultivated a panic-free… well, panic-subdued approach to most problems. He may have internalized the normal running around and screaming that most ponies did during disasters, but it was a controlled reaction that he could drown in coffee and cream. And the occasional legal consultation with his older brother.

The morning dawned princess-free, and without Applejack either, so Dry’s guess about the schedules of Ponyville’s most famous residents seemed to be fairly accurate. Any relationship Dry was going to have with either of the princesses was going to be erratic anyway. If Princess Twilight was not galloping off to save Equestria, Princess Luna was away fighting some nightmare creature or taking care of one of her royal responsibilities. On the average, it still meant Dry was probably going to die, but with the occasional day or two break in order to give him a false hope of survival.

And the day passed without event.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

When a second morning dawned without a princess to be seen, Dry Roast caught Lieutenant Wind Shear with his cup of decaf coffee before he could get away. “Hey, do you know how much longer it will be before Luna gets back?”

“I’m not sure, sir.” Wind Shear checked a clipboard and gave a brief nod. “Her trip to Minos was unscheduled. She’s tied up with something about a maze monster running rampant through their underground city, property damage, earthquakes. Things like that. We’re under your nominal command until she returns.”

“So, I can tell you what to do?” asked Dry Roast, considering the brilliant beginning of the sunrise beyond the shop windows and the slow, erratic motion of his customers heading through town in his direction. “If you weren’t off-duty at the moment, that is.”

“Within reason.” Wind Shear took a drink and moved to one side for a customer to pass. “We’re not supposed to kill anypony unless we really can’t avoid it. Over the last few weeks, it’s been pretty dull around here.”

“You have a strange definition of dull, Lieutenant Shear.” Dry took a look over his shoulder at the still-empty counter and lowered his voice to avoid attracting attention from Lyra, who had slipped into the shop and was sitting at her usual table. “Are you sure the Royal Guard is okay with this? I mean, I’d hate to wind up in a dungeon.”

Well, not that kind of dungeon. Wait! Stop thinking that. Luna probably doesn’t even have.... Well, she might, but Twilight probably doesn’t have one like that in her castle. Stop thinking. Just stop.

The impassive expression that the bat-winged guard projected could have been carved out of plaster, but there seemed to be a few small cracks in it. He shrugged, then looked over Dry Roast’s shoulder at the brilliant glow of pre-dawn as if he were double-checking the time clock to make sure he was off duty. “You make her happy. That’s a rare trait. We all like it when she’s happy. And so does she.”

“I see.” Dry braced his shoulders in the doorway, still staying in the path of the guard so he could not just fly out of his shop. “And how about Twilight Sparkle’s early morning visits?”

The guard’s face resumed a stone-like solidity and he stepped to one side. “I wouldn't know, sir. I haven’t seen her. Ever.”

There was a quite solid bump at Dry Roast’s flank, a push of immense inevitable force that shoved him through the doorway, around the counter, and in the direction of the coffee machine.

The reason for the abrupt propulsion was obvious. And purple.

Twilight Sparkle had her head down and her eyes closed while she pushed, with more knots in her mane than Dry had ever seen before, and an intense urgency to her grunted order. It made him float out a foam cup and start pulling levers before he had even stopped in front of the machine, and caused him to urge the machine to greater speed every time Twilight’s hot breath ruffled the hairs on the back of his mane. He barely managed to get the steaming container of coffee away from the spigots before Twilight latched onto it, lips first, and in a feat of immense stamina, drained it of every drop without coming up for air.

Then she shifted her attention.

Some unknown number of minutes later, Dry Roast swam dizzily back to the real world. He was flat on his back, which probably kept him from falling over, and Twilight Sparkle was slowly rising to her hooves at one side, which was probably the reason why he was flattened. The empty foam container floated by his nose, gently bonking against him until Dry managed to grab it from Twilight’s magic and send it swooping in the direction of the coffee machine. Somehow he managed to stand up while producing Twilight’s second order of the morning, modified by a low grunting noise which he translated out as a reduced number of chocolate pumps.

He floated the resulting coffee order over to the nodding alicorn with a growing worry that she might repeat the process, or even go further than they had back in her bedroom. Thankfully, she merely took a small sip before staggering in the direction of the shop front door, which gave a merry jingle when she stepped out into the town en route to her crystal castle.

Dry Roast managed to step to the counter once she was gone, and after taking several deep breaths and checking his lips to make sure they were still attached and functioning, looked Wind Shear in the eyes and asked, “So?”

“Didn’t see anything,” said the guard, taking a nonchalant sip out of his coffee.

“And you haven’t seen anything for…?” prompted Dry.

“Any week I’ve been here.” The guard looked out the window at where the newly risen sun was painting Ponyville in bright colors. “You’d be amazed at what we don’t see in Canterlot.”

“Uh-huh.” Dry had to ask. “Like what?”

“Can’t say.” The guard took a long drink out of his coffee. “On account of us not seeing anything, that is.”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

That afternoon when Dry was getting ready to go to sleep after an extremely uneventful day — other than Twilight’s morning visit — that had even included installing the towel racks in his bathroom, he could hear the distinctive jingle of happy hooves trotting in the front doorway. It was followed by a brief but intense shower, the sound of brisk toweling, and just when Dry had gotten the new bed good and comfortably untucked and his alarms set, the appearance of his expected guest.

“What an invigorating few days it has been,” exclaimed Luna, kicking out of her silver shoes and dropping her crown on the bedside table. “The Maze Monster of Minos hath been vanquished, and an emergency visit to the Ponynesian Isles to deal with their volcano gods went far better than planned. Oh, I love a good luau.” She slipped into bed with one sinuous motion and leaned up to Dry Roast with a flicker of her long eyelashes against his cheek. “It was all you could eat.”

“So you’re not hungry?” Dry decided to press his luck and gave Luna a kiss, which lasted far longer than he expected and involved a little taste of the leftover luau on her breath, which was not bad at all.

“Maybe a little nibbling,” admitted Luna once they broke for air. “Thou smells of the fair Princess Twilight.” After a second kiss on her behalf, she added, “Tastes like her too. Now, tell me of your dates, so I know how far I should be permitted to proceed this eve.”

Oooo, tempting.

“Actually… she stood me up. Not that it’s her fault,” added Dry quickly. “I’m sure there was some Harmony crisis or something that sent her and the rest of the crew around the world for the last few days. But she stopped by the coffee shop this morning, almost at dawn, so she’s back and…” He trailed off at the look of disappointment in Luna’s eyes. “I didn’t go up to the castle and remind her about our date agreement.”

“Understandable, but still, you must be punished for your insensitivity.” Luna gave him a sharp nip around the ear that made Dry yelp, then wrapped him up in her wings and nipped him several more times. “Naughty, naughty,” she said after spitting out a hair and resuming her nipping. “I shall use the Elements of Hairmony upon you, vile shedding creature. Take that! And that!”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

They were only a little late getting to the coffee shop in the morning, although Dry Roast’s ear looked red and disheveled no matter how he combed it. Luna had offered to make the other match, but with as much giggling and happy play had gone on last night between them before snuggling down and sleeping, it might have gotten out of control, so he declined. There was, of course, plenty of time in the upcoming weeks or even years until what he suspected was his ultimate demise, so there was no need to rush to the end when the trip there was so much fun. The two of them exchanged giggles all the way through setting up the equipment and getting the first cookies baked, but just when they were about to move to the front door and spend a little special pre-dawn time looking at the stars and talking, the front door bell rang.

It was not Twilight Sparkle arriving to deal with his other ear, as Dry Roast had somewhat anticipated. Instead, it was another similar pale purple unicorn mare with a dark striped mane, looking vaguely guilty as if she were breaking and entering instead of just getting ready to place an order.

“Hello?” she called out, looking around the empty main room for other customers. “Are you open?”

“That’s what the sign says. I’m Dry Roast, proprietor of Java Le Choza.” Dry put on his best New Customer smile. “Are you new in town, or just passing through?”

“I’m not sure.” The mare came hesitantly up to the counter with her head angled up so she could read the signboard. It always bothered Dry to be looking up the nostrils of his customers, but there really was not any other place to put the menu so it could be seen. “I’ll have a Princess-sized… You don’t happen to know what Twilight Sparkle orders, do you?”

“Mostly him,” said Princess Luna, who had slipped up beside Dry Roast in a fresh apron and the little paper hat around her horn. The pale mare looked down for a moment from the menu, then back up… then snapped her gaze to Princess Luna and made a very small squeaking noise. The big eyes and rapid breathing were getting to be a common appearance in the coffee shop, so Dry shook his head and launched into his usual explanation.

“Yes, she’s Princess Luna, but she has been working here at the Java Le Choza in order to get a better understanding of ordinary ponies, so we would ask you to just treat her like any other employee.”

“But…” The mare blinked several times and took a quick glance back at the store door as if she were about ready to bolt.

“So, you’re wanting a Twilight Special,” said Dry, hooking the largest foam cup on the rack. “Double-double espresso latte with five pumps of chocolate syrup, sprinkles, and low foam.”

“Uh…” The mare blinked her wide lashes some more, her eyes darting between Dry and Luna before blurting out, “That’s… chocolate syrup? Who puts chocolate syrup in coffee?”

Luna lowered her head and brushed up against Dry. “If you wish a beverage in the same fashion my fellow princess consumes her morning… desires, chocolate syrup is all that you shall have. The special topping she desires is a matter of contention betwixt us.”

“I just want a regular coffee for myself.” The mare held a hoof to her chest, still seemingly entranced and awed by Luna’s presence. “I was over at the castle this morning because I couldn’t sleep, and Twilight was stumbling around the kitchen like some sort of zombie, trying to put the coffee grounds basket back in the machine and mashing it into a pulp, so I thought I’d zip into town and grab her a coffee. That’s what friends do, right?”

“I think we’re about to have a friendly visitor.” Dry Roast sprinted back to the storeroom and emerged a few moments later with a featureless white box. “Ma’am, if you could run this up to her castle and oh it’s too late…”

The little bell on the top of the door chimed as Princess Twilight Sparkle staggered inside, her wings spread out for balance and her nostrils flared. She stepped forward in a slow, deliberate fashion that made the unnamed mare move out of the way with a scramble of hooves, then nearly flowed over the counter to embrace Dry Roast, lips first.

It was, by far, the most intense kiss Dry Roast had ever received.

Somehow, he was not quite sure how, Dry managed to keep his eyes open, and in the brief breaks Twilight took for breathing, he got her coffee cup under the appropriate spigots on the machine. Although when she nuzzled his ear and took a nip, he might have spilled a little. Coffee, that is. It took quite a few minutes of nocturnal noshing and nibbling before he managed to get a mostly full cup gently floated over to her, and after a bump or two of the foam container against her cheek, Twilight moved her lips to a different passion of her life.

She must have been at least partially satiated by the kisses, because Twilight only drank half of the coffee before returning to several affectionate nuzzles and one additional sharp nip at the end of his ear that Luna had abused last night. Then Twilight Sparkle staggered to her hooves and began heading for the front door, which she found after a few false starts, and stumbled back out into the dawn-streaked streets of Ponyville.

It took several tries for Dry Roast to get to his hooves, and he ran a quick espresso with a shot of maple syrup to give his dry throat an emergency wetting. It was totally unfair the way Twilight could make his lips tingle so much that he could feel them days later, and since she had dropped by the shop yesterday, and Luna had been kissing him last night, it was getting difficult to speak.

Not that he was about to complain.

“What in Equestria was that?” asked the unnamed mare who Dry Roast had totally forgotten about. She had nervously scooted up to the counter and was peering around the corner as if she expected to find some sort of horrible monster instead of a stunned coffee colt, still rubbing his lips. “That wasn’t Twilight Sparkle. That couldn’t be Twilight Sparkle. Twilight is this nebbish little alicorn who doesn’t have a sex life more active than a few books she keeps in a locked drawer for reference.”

“Really?” said Dry once he had gotten enough of his wind back to speak.

“Yes, really!” The mare huffed, jabbing a hoof in the direction Twilight had taken. “I’ve studied Twilight Sparkle, watched her every move for weeks, and learned every one of her habits before ambushing her with Starswirl’s Fourth Chronal Inversion spell. I know everything there is about her and the Elements of Harmony! The only time she surprised me is after she turned me away from my self-destructive path and kept me from interfering in the timestream.”

“Uh…” Dry Roast tried to think, which was difficult. “When was that?”

“A few days ago, after Twilight and I almost-kinda-sorta destroyed all of Equestria and the multiverse and… well, it isn’t important.”

“And…” Dry leaned his head to one side and considered the rosy glow of the impatient sun, which was hesitating under the horizon, then turned to Luna, who had slipped behind the coffee machine into a convenient shadow where she could watch what was going on and giggle. “Luna? Break time for your other job. I’ll see if Miss…” Dry Roast looked at the young mare, who picked up on the unspoken question effortlessly.

“Starlight Glimmer. I’m… um… Twilight’s friend. And ex-nemesis.”

“Right.” Dry Roast gestured to a booth. “I’ll get Miss Glimmer a free coffee and we’ll wait for you to get back.”

“Do not start without me,” said Luna. She hung her apron on Dry’s horn and sashayed out the front door to lower the moon while Dry admired her departure. Then he grabbed a medium foam cup off the rack and filled it up with coffee. This was one conversation he did not want to miss.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

“So you didn’t just destroy Equestria once,” said Dry Roast once he had listened to Starlight Glimmer give her explanation of the last few days, depending on how one would measure time travel. “You destroyed Equestria by paradox several times—”

“No more than ten,” said Starlight. “Or maybe twelve,” she added with a thoughtful frown. “Chronological folding made them blur together.”

“Let’s just say ten for round numbers’ sake.” Dry Roast gave a quick look at the counter of the coffee shop where Sugar Lump was dealing with the early customers. She had been putting in longer odd hours to cover for Dry’s princess interactions, both early and late shifts, and really deserved a few bits raise. Particularly since the clientele was tending more to the ‘world-ending threat’ of the spectrum. Then again, he had caught her scribbling notes during a slack time, so it looked like she was writing his unofficial biography out of his experiences. Still, it would be best to get the raise written down before things got more complicated than they already were.

“Are there any more nemisises… Nemasi?” Dry stopped with the tip of his pencil resting on his pocket notebook.

“Nemeses,” said Luna and Starlight in unison.

“Right.” Dry quickly marked down the raise before he forgot. “Are there any other ponies who Twilight Sparkle has converted to Friendship who might be dropping by the shop in the mornings? Discounting Tirek, of course.”

“Sunset Shimmer,” said Starlight. “She’s one of Princess Celestia’s earlier students who has been imprisoned in a parallel dimension inhabited by humans.”

“Less of a prison and more a vacation spot,” said Luna. “Twilight Sparkle goes to visit her on occasion, and has brought back the most interesting of stories. And dreams,” she added with a wink at Dry.

Dry Roast considered his list. “Queen Chrysalis, Starlight Glimmer, Sunset Shimmer, Luna—” he paused to rub briefly up against her warm neck “—Trixie, and Fluttershy’s… um… friend.”

“Discord drinks coffee? Here?” Starlight Glimmer wrinkled up her nose, but Dry had to take a quick look around the dining room before responding, just in case he had shown up when his name was mentioned.

“He’s an excellent customer, even though he drinks the cup and throws away the coffee,” said Dry. “He does seem to enjoy the company, though. And he tips well, if you like cheese bits.”

Starlight Glimmer just looked at Dry Roast, blinking several times before slowly shaking her head in disbelief. “Even put in that context, Twilight Sparkle’s behavior is still weird.”

“Dry! DRY!!” Rain Check’s voice was high and frantic, and he burst through the front door of Java Le Choza like his tail was on fire, which would have been quite a feat, considering the amount of water and shampoo suds soaking his pale blue hide. He skittered across the floor, hooves and wings flying in all directions before skidding to a stop in front of their table with wide white eyes and a growing puddle of bathwater.

“Dry! There’s a pair of mares in our bathroom! In maid outfits!”

“I stand corrected,” said Starlight Glimmer into the resulting silence. “Twilight is starting to look like the only normal pony in town.”

Author's Note

Snarky Editors are Snarky:
On Nemisises, and if they should get a coffee discount
Tek: not sure non-reformed ones should be listed, though I suppose she could show up to cocoon him
Me: Well, if she does show up, he'll serve her coffee, on the house.

"I presume you take your coffee black, Your Majesty? With four cubes of sugar and a shot of affagato for zest. And child sized for all of the drones. Kids drink free on Tuesdays, after all."

On Starlight destroying all of Equestria by paradox
Tek: which really if one thinks about it makes her the most successful villain of the show, even Discord only ruled once

For those who did not catch Goose's history in Jake and the Kid, Goose is one of those odd ducks (sorry) whose special talent is in long-distance gliding. Unfortunately, she got swept up in a rogue storm as a foal, and spent three days being blown about above the cloud cover, leaving her nearly catatonic when rescued. The sky terrifies her, to say the least, and that is a major obstacle on her goal of becoming a Royal Guard. That, and her gender. So with two strikes against her, she's been one determined small mare with training, and more training, and serious studies, until one day when she worked up the courage to apply to the castle as a guard trainee and wound up in the wrong line. She's the most dangerous maid in Equestria, though, at least indoors, and if Rain Check were to get out of line, she's fully capable of tying him into any kind of knot that Luna wants. Having wings that size and the muscles that come with serious workouts gives her a unique combat style.

16. Destiny Delayed

Her Royal Morning Coffee
Dining Destiny Delayed

The hustle and bustle of the morning gave Dry Roast a chance to absorb the events of the day, and made him realize his embarrassing little brother was the least of his worries. Starlight Glimmer had promised to remind Twilight of their delayed date, so once noon rolled around again, he was going to wind up waiting inside Gustave’s restaurant again.

There was no reason he should be nervous. Again.

The worst thing that could possibly happen is that Twilight Sparkle would dislike him and leave. After all, none of Twilight’s dates (at least according to fellow townsponies) had ever ended in fire or world destruction. Just one baffled door-to-door salespony who wound up selling her a dozen cases of oranges and one who had caught a bad case of sneezing from allergies. Admittedly, it was Spike doing the sneezing, and it caught the poor stallion on fire, but they were only minor burns. Even Luna had told him that in the worst case, if Twilight Sparkle refused to rise in pursuit of his masculine attributes…

No, that needed to be rephrased. If Twilight rejected him, Luna said that she would still visit in the early mornings before sunrise so they could continue their long talks, even if the nips and nibbles would only be on the cookies and biscotti. Friends without benefits would not be that bad, and promised a much higher survival rate. Then again, Twilight Sparkle had expressed a hungry interest in his body, or at least whatever she could transform his body into. It was all very confusing, and a date was just what Dry needed in order to make things more organized.

Luna, of course, could not help but gently poke at him once the morning rush was over.

“I do not see why thou hast not marched to her castle and laid siege to it. Assault her walls and penetrate—”

“Pinkie Pie says she never locks the front door. Besides, with the time-travel mess and all of the other girls out of town a few days around too, maybe she just got caught up in events. She did drop by the coffee shop for two mornings running now, so she’s still interested. I think.”

Luna dropped her heavy head on Dry Roast’s back and pouted, with a curled-up lower lip and big teal eyes. “We are still disappointed in thee.”

“Sorry,” said Dry with a shrug that shifted Luna slightly but did nothing for the way she was leaning on him and pressing her jasmine-scented coat up against his. “She should show up for our date this afternoon, since she’s back in town. I hope.”

Luna did not respond. Instead, she began to make quiet snoring noises on his shoulder.

“Comf’rtable,” she murmured.

Dry Roast rolled his eyes, wishing he could teleport Luna into Twilight’s bedroom. Not just for the hot princess-on-princess…

He closed his eyes, took a deep breath scented with Luna’s enticing jasmine and natural body odor, and decided that no matter what happened on his lunch date with Twilight, his life was not bad at all.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

Of course, the lunch part of the date would have gone better if the restaurant was open.

He was still staring at the ‘Closed’ sign when Twilight Sparkle came scurrying up, surrounded by checklists and towing several books in her magic. “I’m sorry,” she started while still a distance away. “I had the date on my schedule but with the time shift and the destruction of the multiverses and Nightmare Moon and everything, it got pushed to the back of the calendar and I didn’t remember until Starlight Glimmer—”

Then it was Twilight Sparkle’s turn to stare at the ‘Closed’ sign.

“So,” started Dry Roast, “any other places you’d like to eat at? Or we could go out for a picnic lunch. We’ll just drop by my house and I’ll make some sandwiches.”

“I… um.” Twilight looked away with a conflicted expression. “I don’t think I should go to your house.”

“Why not?” asked Dry with a short frown. “My brother’s at work, the maids are keeping the place spotless, and I can show you my new bed. I mean the new bed Luna bought me. Not that I want to take you to bed. Yet. I mean…” Dry Roast took a deep breath. “Yeah, I can see what you mean. Besides, Luna might be sleeping there.”

“She’s… sleeping in your bed?” asked Twilight with a raised eyebrow. “And what do you mean, you have maids?”

“Technically, they’re Luna’s maids. And bed. She just lets me sleep… We don’t have sex yet,” he finished weakly. “She doesn’t want to go any further than you have, to keep the contest, such as it is, in balance.”

“Well, that’s not disturbing,” muttered Twilight. “So if I nibble on your ear, she gets to nibble on the other ear?”

“She hasn’t gone beyond ear nibbling. You know, we’ve gone beyond ear nibbling too, if I remember correctly. I think she’s spotting you a few points there in order to give you a head start, but she hasn’t turned me into a ‘human’ in bed.” Dry paused. “Yet.”

“After the date,” said Twilight, looking over her checklist. “Which we’re not going to do standing out here on the street. Where do you want to go eat?”

“I don’t know,” said Dry with a shrug. “Where do you want to go?”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

The Hayburger was another oddity of Ponyville. Not that it was exceptional, because there was a Hayburger in every major or minor town in Equestria, serving the same hay fries and hayburgers with the same spacing of the letters on the signs, the same menus, the same prices, and for all anypony could determine, the same employees. The Ponyville employees, however, were all ordinary town residents, which is to say not the same dull, dry, routine employees of other towns. In fact, the restaurant prided itself on having provided part-time employment to nearly half of the town residents, which was an odd thing to be proud of once you considered just why all of the former employees had left.

Dry Roast had even worked there for three days while the loan application for Java Le Choza was working its way through the system, and tried not to look at his picture on the Employee of the Month chart when he escorted Twilight into the building. It was a forlorn attempt at anonymity, because Twilight went straight to the bulletin board and scanned across it.

“Oh, good,” she said with a quiet sigh. “The restraining order expired. So, you worked here before the… bear incident, right?”

“Just after,” said Dry. “Bean Knobby put the coffee shop up for sale the next day, and a week later, I was a business owner. That was about… um… six owners ago for this place. I was only really here for three days, but I made supervisor. And this is where I learned to make affogato. I may have—” Dry coughed into one hoof “—poached a few customers because of that.”

The place was not very packed, since the lunch crowd was almost done, but even after escorting Twilight to a seat and sitting down opposite her, he still did not see any of the waitstaff. And after a few minutes of uncomfortable waiting, still nothing.

“The boss would have jumped on me like a loose bit if I had let any customers sit this long,” grumbled Dry mildly.

“They always take forever,” said Twilight, “but it’s worth the wait. This place is the best.”

After a few minutes more of small talk, a timid young mare crept out of the back room and over to their table. The apron and paper hat made the familiar pony unfamiliar enough that they took a moment to adjust, but there was no mistaking the identity of their server.

“Fluttershy!” Twilight beamed and gave her friend a quick nuzzle. “What are you doing here?”

“Um… Making a few extra bits to help pay for Mister Chipmunk’s braces.” She smiled just a little, much as if she was being held hostage, before adding, “Can I take your order? If you want, of course. Or I can wait a little longer—”

“Three double-decker hayburgers with extra onions, lettuce, and tomatoes, a side order of breadsticks, family sized, the extra-giant box of hayfries, a dozen corn poppers—” Twilight paused to take a breath “—a family sized onion rings, a double order of alfalfa cole slaw, and… a salad bar and a large diet cola.”

Twilight gave Dry Roast a quick and somewhat guilty look before adding, “I skipped breakfast. And most of dinner last night. And I may have misfiled the sandwich Spike brought me for lunch yesterday under ‘S’ in the library.”

Dry waited until Fluttershy was done writing before putting in his order. “A large hayburger with cheese—” Just for a fraction of a second, Dry considered seeing if Twilight wanted to share her hayfries, but a predatory glint in her eye made him hastily add “—an order of hayfries, and a lemon-lime soda.”

“Um… We’re out of lemon-lime. Would you like a diet cola too?” said Fluttershy around the pencil.

“No, better make it an orange soda then,” said Dry with a dismissive wave of his hoof. “I’m planning on going to bed shortly.”

Fluttershy abruptly quit writing, due to having sucked the pencil back into her throat, but after a few brisk coughs and a thump on the back from Twilight, she retreated back into the kitchen with their order and the wet pencil.

“I can’t believe you would do that to one of my friends,” whispered Twilight Sparkle.

“Do what?” Dry tried not to cringe. “It was a perfectly ordinary turn of phrase that went… badly. I always go to bed in the afternoon. It puts me on a different schedule than my little brother so we don’t see each other for days at a time, but it lets me get up early enough for… um… your visits,” he finished in a near whisper.

“I still think there’s some sort of mind control involved,” said Twilight Sparkle, although without much sincerity. “Are you sure you’re not putting something in my coffee?”

“Just what you order. Although I’ll admit I never fought to keep from being kissed.” Dry Roast thought back over the last few months with a growing smile. “I’ll admit I should have told you, but what would I have said? Hi, my name is Dry Roast, and I run the coffee shop. By the way, you’ve been stopping at my shop in the morning and trying to kiss my lips off. Would you like a customer loyalty card, good for ten percent off your orders, and some lip balm?”

“Yes! I mean… no. Well. Um…”

“I mean,” continued Dry Roast with a chuckle, “what would you have said if I was sleepwalking into the library, checking out books, and giving you a kiss on the way out. It would—” Dry came to a complete halt and eyed Twilight Sparkle with a rising sense of dread. “I didn’t, did I?”

“Every Tuesday,” snapped Twilight Sparkle. “We’d close the library and go into my bedroom to make wild passionate love until— No, of course we never did that! Stop looking like you want to run away. If I’m going to have—” Twilight lowered her voice to a bare whisper and tapped her forehooves together “—with another pony, I want to be awake for it.”

Now it was Twilight’s turn to get a nervous look. “We never did, did we?”

“I don’t think so,” said Dry Roast in a low whisper too. “I’m pretty sure we haven’t. At least one of us would remember, and I can’t see us both sleepwalking all the way through… that.”

Twilight put her tongue into her cheek and said, “It would be the worst sex ever, that’s for sure.”

Dry snickered, followed by Twilight, until they were both quietly laughing at the table. Twilight Sparkle stopped first, putting on her more serious expression and taking a few breaths before asking her next question. “So hypothetically, if I had… offered myself one morning while I was sleepwalking, would you have accepted?”

“I can’t speak for something that never happened, but I think I answered that one for real already, Your Highness,” said Dry very quietly. “In your bedroom. Which Luna put me in.”

“Yes, I remember.” Twilight Sparkle bit her bottom lip. “She must be hotter than the sun with all the suppressed sexual tension of a thousand years and some, but if she wins this competition and takes you to—” Twilight tapped her forehooves together “—for however long it takes, won’t that be… dangerous?”

Dry Roast heaved a deep sigh. “Yes, I know. But I’ve given this a lot of thought, considering the physical limitations and stresses, age, how much hormonal release, and the risks related to how much sex we’re looking at.” He shook his head. “If she dies, she dies.”

Twilight Sparkle gaped at him with her bottom jaw hanging loose, and kicked him under the table when he broke out laughing, which only made him laugh harder. “Oh, you should see your face, Twilight,” he managed to gasp out, which only got him another kick under the table. In short order, Dry managed to regain control and take a deep breath. “Ok, seriously. I’ve thought about it. There are risks. I’m willing to take them. The reward is worth it.”

“And if I win?” asked Twilight, leaning forward to touch noses with him.

“Ahh… Admittedly the risks are smaller. I think.” Dry Roast considered those dangerous violet eyes at close range. “Maybe. I’m willing to take those risks too. I believe the reward would be worth it there too.”

“Flatterer.” Twilight booped him gently on the end of the nose with one hoof and sat back down securely on her chair. “You know, if you had just told me I was sleepwalking into your store and kissing you back when this started, maybe—” She tapped her forehooves together in a steady beat, but before he could say anything, added, “Of course, if this does turn into a tight competition, you could wind up with both of us, anyway.”

“You’re not scaring me,” said Dry.

“Or, we could not be compatible on an emotional scale and we could wind up disliking each other.”

“Okay,” admitted Dry Roast, “now you’re scaring me a little. But just a little.”

“Or,” said Twilight with an extremely serious face, “I could find you repugnant in some extreme fashion and have a negative reaction to our relationship that could cause me to despise and resent you. When combined with my tendency to sleepwalk into your store before anypony else is awake, things could end… badly.”

“Excuse me?”

The quiet voice from just behind Dry Roast nearly made him jump into the ceiling light fixture, but after a brief scrabbling for a grip, he fell back onto his chair. It was only Twilight’s rapid response that managed to save their Hayburger order from being scattered all over the floor. Her magic scooped all the falling objects up, including Fluttershy, and deposited them in the appropriate places.

Well, what she considered appropriate.

“I think those are my hayfries,” said Dry Roast, reaching across the table with his magic, then ever so slowly letting go of the deep-fried delicacies at the possessive look in Twilight Sparkle’s eyes. “Then again, maybe I should just order another… Yeah.”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

There was only one word to describe a hungry Twilight Sparkle at the table: Alicarnage

There was probably a reason why Ponyville did not have any all-you-can-eat buffets, and the reason was sitting across from Dry Roast. Still, she had manners even in the middle of the consumption process. She did not eat any of The Hayburger employees. Or the table. She was very careful to wipe her mouth between bites, even if it was on the remains of the hayburger being fed upon. She did not even take a bite out of the very long stick that Fluttershy used to bring an extra hayburger and order of fries, although Dry Roast could see some older toothmarks on it.

The truly impressive part of lunch was the sandwich makings. Dry Roast was proud of his talent in that regard. He might have even considered opening a sandwich shop if not for the fact he liked making his mega-sandwiches for himself, and never did understand why other ponies disliked avocados or ghost peppers in them. Twilight treated the hayburgers as a building base, a fair sized foundation with sufficient structural integrity to begin construction whenever she passed through the salad bar like a starving tornado. Pickles, peppers, cucumber wedges, barbeque sauce and thin slices of tomato formed distinct layers, supported by flying buttresses of lettuce barricades and tied together with rings of raw onions. It was a fascinating process in a gruesome fashion, and extremely temporary.

In the end, Twilight did not so much stop eating as slow down to a leisurely pace that made only one or two hayfries meet their doom every minute or so. Dry was done with his food, although he could not remember eating the last bite of his own hayburger, and any fries that he had managed to grab onto was strictly by luck. With all the immediate danger over, Dry Roast finally looked up at the rest of the restaurant… the empty restaurant and got up from the table.

“Excuse me, Twilight.” He brushed some lettuce out of his mane and smiled, only partially from politeness, but mostly from suppressed humor. Spike was probably going to have to hose Twilight Sparkle off before he let her into the castle. “I’m going to go see about the check, and then we can go.”

“Sounds good.” Twilight looked around the table. “Bring back some napkins, please.”

Despite wanting to comment on the possible fate of the napkins which had been at their table, Dry held his tongue and strolled back to the kitchen where the rest of the restaurant staff were. The present owner was huddled in the back of the room with one of the servers, who just kept repeating “The horror! The horror!” but Fluttershy was right there with a happy smile.

“Oh, Mister Roast. I didn’t know you and Twilight were done yet. I’ll get your check.”

“I just wanted to add a couple of decaf affogatos for the road,” said Dry with his magic already picking the foam cups off the ice cream machine. “I’ll mix ‘em up for you and… um... Sorry about the mess,” he added. “Here.”

“Thank you,” said Fluttershy, who sat the hefty bag of bits to one side and began totaling up the bill. “I’ll have your change in a minute.”

“Keep the change,” said Dry Roast. He capped the ice cream coffees and popped a straw into each of them. “I mean… you’ll probably have to mop the walls, after all. Does she eat like that when you all are out saving Equestria?”

If Equestria is ever attacked by a haymonster, Twilight could solo it.

“No, not really. She’s a very dainty eater when we travel. I think it’s her nerves.” Fluttershy gave a quick peek over the top of the register at her friend and smiled a little wider. “She’s not nearly as messy as Hairy Bear. I normally get takeout for him. Too many ponies get nervous when he’s around. I’m just glad you and Twilight are hitting it off so well. Are you two planning on mating this afternoon?”

It was only a matter of fractions that kept Dry Roast from either inhaling the glob of affogato he had just taken or spitting it out across Twilight’s friend. Instead, he deliberately swallowed, took two deep breaths, and asked, “Mating?”

“Oh, yes.” Fluttershy’s eyes sparkled with joy, and the pencil which she had been using to calculate the check dropped forgotten onto the counter. “Most species have a period of intense feeding before mating, so the female can rest during the early egg implantation phase. I’m so looking forward to Twilight having one or two darling little foals to play with, and you’re big and handsome, so your offspring should have good hybrid vigor. Or is she pregnant already, and developing her embryos? Oh, I don’t even know if alicorns have foals! Do they lay eggs? Will she need any help sitting on her clutch? Do you think eight or nine eggs in the nest would be too many to hope for?”

“I’m… pretty sure alicorns have foals like the rest of ponies,” said Dry in a rush. “Luna has been giving me a pretty good education in that respect. Although she didn’t mention eggs, so that doesn’t mean… No, Cadence is pregnant and she hasn’t laid eggs—”

“Yet,” breathed Fluttershy with an expression of hope.

“Ever, I don’t think, no.” Dry Roast took a deep breath, but the image of Princess Luna sitting regally on a dozen dark eggs had amazing persistence in his brain cells.

“Oh.” Fluttershy drooped a little, although she still seemed entirely too happy at the concept of a dozen little Sparkles running around underhoof. “Well, the ice cream should help with eggshell thickness, just in case. You two run along and enjoy the afternoon, Mister Roast. Oh, and if you need any help finding a good spot to mate with Twilight, let me know.”

It took a moment for Dry Roast to nod back and excuse himself for the trip back to the castle with Twilight. Although he could not help but think about what Fluttershy would consider a good mating spot for the two of them.

A library, probably.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

“So, how did it go?” Luna held herself poised in the middle of Dry Roast’s kitchen, with all of the happy tension of a mousetrap about to snap closed on a juicy mouse. “Did you two enjoy your lunch date, Mister Salad?”

“Oh.” Dry looked up at his mane, which still had one lone piece of lettuce dangling from it. Before he could protest, Luna scooted him into the bathroom, shedding her own shoes and crown in the process.

“No words, you delicious young thing,” said Luna. “Just into the shower, hop to it, or I’ll start nibbling and won’t stop.”

A shower was just what he really needed, and having Luna in there with him was even better, but it took until his mane had been properly shampooed and they were both sudsing down each other’s coats before something else slipped by Dry Roast’s hormones.

“When did I get a walk-in shower?”

“Shush,” admonished Luna. “More soaping around the shoulders, please. Your previous shower was far too small.” She stretched her wings out under the pouring water, then wrapped up Dry in their soggy embrace, dragged him closer, and kissed him. “This is better,” she added once they surfaced for air. “Far more intimate. Now, did you and young Princess Sparkle proceed any further in the direction of passion?”

“We had lunch at The Hayburger,” said Dry, a little weakly due to the soft soaping that Luna was doing to his back and down his sides.

“That much I could guess,” said Luna with a deep sniff. “Thou smells of two mares. Did you invite Fluttershy for an afternoon of—”

“No,” said Dry as firmly… as directly as he could in the circumstances. “She served us… I mean she was our waitpony. Um… Alicorns don’t lay eggs, do they?”

Luna’s laughter, particularly in the confines of the shower with the water cascading around them, was divine. “Oh, I miss this when we’re apart,” she gasped. “Perhaps it is a good thing that I have hidden you away from my sister.” She closed the short gap and kissed Dry Roast under the spray of steamy water.

“Very nice,” gasped Dry Roast when they broke for air.

“‘Tis only the start,” teased Luna. “We have far to go to catch up with your activities of this day with the fair Princess Sparkle.”

“Actually,” gasped Dry between kisses, “she didn’t even kiss me goodbye at the castle doors.”

“Really?” Luna quit kissing him and backed up enough to cock an eyebrow.

“No, just ran inside when about a dozen ponies were standing there with stopwatches.” Dry Roast shrugged. “I think the pool is down to intervals of ten seconds. If Twilight doesn’t kiss somepony, the pool will get out of control, and we’ll bankrupt the town.”

“Well, well.” Luna straightened up and took a step to one side in the shower, which Dry Roast did not understand at first. “If you have not progressed in your relationship with the fair young princess, our relationship likewise should remain at this level. And there is only one way for that to happen now, when our blood has begun to boil.”

She turned the shower to full cold.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

“You are a cruel, cruel mare.” The shower was a thing of the past, with only memories and the slightest bit of damp remaining on both of them, but Dry Roast was determined to hold a grudge, even through Luna’s adorable giggles. “That’s as far as I’m going, though. You’re not heartless, because I’ve seen a bigger heart in you than any other mare, ever. You’re not bitter, or spiteful, or mean, or anything else that I don’t like, and sometimes, a little bit of cruel mare can be fun.”

“You see no Nightmare Moons?” asked Luna while rearranging the covers on the enormous bed. “No nights eternal, no mare consumed by jealousy and envy in our future?”

“Nope.” Dry Roast smacked Luna playfully on the rear. “Only some delightful moons that are out of my reach for now.”

“It is your fault,” said Luna with a giggle. “Perhaps this eve, we can visit the fair Princess Sparkle in her dreams and ‘discuss’ things with her.”

“That would be cheating.” Dry Roast set his alarms and tried not to grin like a fool. “Like setting a homework assignment for her. No, I believe the best way to her heart is in the waking world. Now your sister, on the other hoof. We could always drop by and you could show me off in her dreams. Do a little bragging.”

“Enticing as the thought is, I believe I shall keep you a secret from my dear possessive sister until the time is right.” She lifted a wing with the blanket on it, making a warm space at her side that Dry Roast hastened to fill. “Hide you away from her prying eyes, and keep you to myself. Mine, all mine!” She punctuated her words with short, intense kisses down his ticklish sides.

Once he finished laughing, Dry Roast gave her a long kiss in the darkness under the blanket.
“I thought you wanted to share with her? You share the day and night, and the rule of your kingdom. Admittedly, my survival may be at stake, but I’m willing to take the risk if it makes you happy.”

“You do.” Luna buried her nose in his mane and held Dry Roast close in the darkness with her wing tracing long, slow spirals along his ribs “There are so many times when I am in Canterlot with my sister… that I wish you were there with me. You already make me so happy.”

“Thank you,” said Dry, preening a little under the covers. “You deserve it.”

The slow circles of pleasurable touching slowed to a halt. “No, I do not. They are times when I know I do not deserve to be happy; when I feel as if I should take everything that makes me happy and give it to Her. She held our beloved Equestria together for a thousand years while I was imprisoned within the moon for my crimes. I do not deserve to be happy. I deserve a thousand years of punishment, a thousand years of darkness in repentance for my crimes.”

“What about then?” Dry Roast wriggled around and began to stroke her warm sides in return. “What about after you have served your punishment? Will you deserve to be held and loved and appreciated then?”

Luna held perfectly still under the press of his hooves, allowing Dry to run his gentle touch over all of her body to the ends of her wings and back as if he were scrubbing away a stubborn stain, from every vane of her feathers to the tingling touch of her flowing mane. Only when she was perfectly clean and still did he stop and rest his wandering hoof on her damp cheek. He could still feel her tremble against him, but the press of her chest was muted and warm instead of the chill that had seemed to sweep across her.

“Perhaps,” admitted Luna.

“Good.” Dry held still, listening to their breathing in the darkness until they breathed as one.

“Good,” he responded again, moving in closer to hold Luna without seeming to trap her. “The way I see it, I’m behind schedule. I should have been doing this the day you were freed by the Elements of Harmony. I’m going to have to hurry if I’m going to catch up to where I should be. And the best way to hurry…” Dry tightened his embrace and nuzzled into her warm neck with small nips. “Is to take it slow.”

The tense, cable-like muscles under his lips began to relax with every nip, and a welcome giggle started to take their place. He nibbled and nipped while Luna relaxed, turning bit by bit into a giggling pudding under his nose until she held a wing under his chin and nudged his gaze upwards to the faint glimmer of eyes under the blanket.

“Promise me, that no matter what happens, no matter if I should lose you in this battle of passions or gain your heart to quicken my womb into new life. Promise me that you shall always regard me as you do now. You make me laugh, and not just in the way Pinkie Pie can bring laughter wherever she goes. You go into the deep, secret recesses of my heart and turn the blackest tar of my regrets into dancing moonbeams.”

“You invited me there first,” whispered Dry Roast. “A sign of tremendous insight. Oh, wait. I just thought of something.”

Luna tensed slightly, and Dry could see the teal glimmers of her eyes in the darkness. “What?”

“How do I tell my parents that I’m dating a prisoner who just got released from jail?”

The resulting welcome giggles encouraged Dry to continue far into the time they should have been sleeping.

Author's Note

Snarky editors
On Dry Roast having maids
Tek: Dry: Yes I forgot to spray for them this year, darn things moved right in, I think they were attracted by your castle, they can smell one from miles away

On Dry's casual reaction to his potential fate:
Tek: What no worries of a little alicorn foal calling him daddy :)

Luna: Behold my citizens the prince of coffee, may all coffee shops place a picture of him in their stores in tribute, as I raise the moon and my sister the sun, so shall my son raise ponies in their wakefulness one cup at a time

Me: Just waiting for Twilight to say, "Look, Shining Armor survived, so... um... That came out wrong. So did that. I don't think she's going to-- Twilight tapped her forehooves together "-- until you die. Unless she gets carried away. Which I suppose defines -- taps hooves again -- pretty much and oh, no. What if Shining Armor... I mean I could never look Cadence in the face again!

Luna: She's so cute when she does that.

Dry: Yep. But she does have a point about Shining Armour." Dry slurred the end of the word into its Prench equivalent, and Twilight bristled.

TS: Welll I'm not going to -- taps hooves together -- him to death.

Luna: Calmly. How can you know, if you've never experienced the heights of passion two bodies can generate when they entwine?

Ts: Well... That is true. I don't have any data points.

Tek: At this point I am picturing that Shining survived because he can put a shield, around himself for protection when Alicorns get to amorous, or just when he wants a goods night sleep like he trained himself to keep it up while asleep.
So while other husbands sleep on the sofa when the wife is mad, Shining sleeps in the shield, when he has to

17. Half and Half

Her Royal Morning Coffee
Half and Half

“They just look so cute.”

It was a phrase Dry did not normally hear in his own bedroom, particularly with the dim glow of dawn tinting the drawn shades and the furnace-like warmth of a passionate alicorn wrapped around him.

Dry Roast opened one eye.

Four mares looked back.

Closing the disobedient eye would not make them go away, but it was worth a try.

“Do you think it’s a variant on the sleeper hold?” said a voice he could recognize as Rainbow Dash.

“Naa,” said Applejack. “I like the way her mane and tail has him all tied up. She don’t even need no rope.”

“Shhh,” said Fluttershy. “They’re nesting. She must be about ready to lay her clutch.”

Dry Roast opened both eyes, even though he was unable to shift positions due to a combination of wings, legs, and otherworldly mane and tail holding him, which was fine because he really did not want to move anyway. “We’re not nesting,” he whispered. “Sorry, Fluttershy, but alicorns have foals like other ponies. It’s just the process to that point is… complicated.”

“Tain’t too complicated,” said Applejack. “Same pegs go in the same holes, after all.” She eyed the two ponies entwined on Dry Roast’s huge new bed. “Expect you know about that.”

“We haven’t been—” Dry Roast lowered his voice after a quick peek at the sleeping alicorn. “We haven’t gone that far,” he admitted. “She doesn’t want to put Twilight at a disadvantage. Now, is there some reason the four of you wanted to see me?” He eyed Rarity, who appeared to be mutely ecstatic with the vision of an upcoming wedding and the outfits that went with it.

“Ain’t really you we was here to see,” said Applejack. “We done went up to Twilight’s castle first, on account that Rainbow’s got some weird ideas about princess nooky—”

“Just saying, it would be awesome,” said Rainbow Dash, who seemed a little put out at missing some hot princess on princess action.

“Anyway,” continued Applejack, “there’s a little something this morning that got missed.”

“Yeah, this morning,” said Rainbow Dash. She went over to the blinds and raised them, revealing a dim Ponyville under the light of the moon, which was hovering near the horizon despite the lateness of the morning hour displayed by his alarm clock.

“I slept through the alarm,” whispered Dry Roast. “Everypony outside the shop will wonder where I’m at.”

“Ah’m pretty sure they know,” said Applejack. “Besides, it ain’t your morning ritual that needs doing.”

“Oh?” said Dry Roast, considering the moon stuck on the horizon. “OH!” He wiggled around as far as he could get and nuzzled up near Luna’s ear. “Your sister is ready to raise the sun, um…”

Dry gave a nervous look to the audience of Element Bearers, then moved closer to Luna’s ear. “Mooney? It’s time for the sunrise.”

“Mgmph,” muttered Luna, shifting position enough to get her lips on Dry for a clumsy kiss. “Ther’s something else that’s risin’ too.”

“Mooney? Luna,” hissed Dry Roast. “We have guests.”

“Um?” Luna opened one eye, observed the four ponies standing in Dry Roast’s bedroom, then closed her eye and scooted over on the bed a little. “I’ll share,” she muttered while descending back into slumber. “Just save enough for me.”

“Make one move toward that bed, RD, and I’ll bite your tail off,” said Applejack.

“Aww.” Rainbow Dash took a long look at the way Dry Roast had maneuvered himself in bed, then looked back at Applejack. “You do know about morning wood, right AJ? That’s probably why he’s twisted around to keep his belly pointed away from us.”

“Oh!” said Rarity with a bright blush. “Come on, Fluttershy. Let’s give the lovebirds some privacy.” The unicorn fled the field of battle, with Fluttershy being towed along behind by her tail ignominiously and protesting about wanting to count the eggs, even after the two of them passed the nocturne maids who were peeking into the bedroom door.

I really need to get a locking door for my bedroom. And the window. First things first.

“Luna.” Dry Roast blew into one of the perfect ears that turned in his direction and watched it twitch. Even that did not wake her up, so he took the ear gently in his teeth and…

“Ewumph!” Princess Luna woke up with an abrupt sneeze, blinked several times, and regarded the two ponies remaining in the bedroom. “Applejack. Rainbow Dash. Were you wishing to compete with me for the affections of my intended also?”

Applejack rolled her eyes and poked a hoof at the twilit landscape outside.

“Oh! Beg pardon.” With a glow of her horn, the moon fairly vanished below the horizon and long-delayed sunlight swept across Ponyville as the sun bounded up into the sky. “You know,” added Luna in a near predatory purr, “your friend, Twilight Sparkle, hath not been providing the necessary competition to properly quicken my eggs in the way I so wish. I would not object if her friends were—”

“Aand we’re out of here,” said Applejack, turning on her heel and heading to the door with Rainbow Dash’s tail in her teeth. The closing thump of the door made Luna yawn with a display of many more teeth than Dry Roast was really used to seeing in the morning, and a look of mischief in her eyes that made her next words fairly purr.

“And you, sweet creature who felt it needful to prevent your princess from getting sufficient sleep with your delightful nips and nibbles.” Dry was unceremoniously dumped out of bed and onto the warm bedroom rug. “Do hasten to your place of employment and inform the management that I require an additional hour or two of slumber this morn, lest I be fatigued this eve when my moon is scheduled to rise. We should be in by late morning, or the noon rush at the earliest.”

Luna snuggled back under the covers with a happy smile, leaving Dry Roast to plod away to his abbreviated bathroom activities before work.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

“I’m going nuts, RD. I really am.” Dry Roast paused with the container of protein powder in front of him and Rainbow Dash’s order floating off to one side. “Did you want three scoops of powder in that cappuccino affogato or four?”

“Four, and a squirt of that caramel stuff.” Rainbow Dash cocked her head to one side and dropped the bits on the counter while Dry finished up her order. “Got a good workout routine set up for today and want to get balanced on my electoralites before I start. So why is Twi driving you nuts? Other than her being Twilight, of course.”

Dry took a look at the lack of customers in the store and decided that the relative privacy of the moment would be a good time to get the problem out in the open. After all, he had not figured out a solution, and Rainbow Dash knew Twilight about as good as anypony.

“That pool makes our dates like having a rock in the coffee grinder,” said Dry Roast. “We get up to the point where we’d smooch, and somepony comes out of the woodwork with a stopwatch to see if they won. We’ll never get any further that way.”

“Soo…” Rainbow Dash took a long drink out of her mutant energy drink/coffee product. “If you two don’t do the dirty, Princess Luna won’t either, and you can’t dump my friend to go love it up with her in Canterlot and make a bunch of little alicorn babies?”

“Errr…” Dry Roast considered for a moment before shaking his head. “No, that’s not it.”

Rainbow Dash furrowed her brow in unpracticed thought. “So you want to dump Princess Luna for my friend and start up Nightmare Moon all over again?”

“No way.” Dry Roast considered what they had talked about last night… well, when they were talking and not nibbling. “If that were going to happen, she would have lost it when Princess Cadence chose Shining Armor and they mated. I mean… You know what I mean. Anyway, they had a hot and heavy competition for Shiny, a lot hotter than you’re thinking from your expression, too. Literal horseshoe melting and scaring the castle help kind of competition. And she still likes Shining Armor and Cadence, although not in that way, you perv.”

“Just sayin’ it’s cool,” said Rainbow with one hoof across her chest. “And hot.”

“So if Twilight and I start kissing and that leads to other stuff—”

RD let out a quiet wolf whistle, which Dry Roast tried to ignore.

“—alicorn hormones get involved, which means our relationship could get very hot, very fast for a while, a lot faster than she might be able to handle. Particularly since she’s never had a coltfriend before at all.”

“She lives in a crystal castle,” said Rainbow Dash with a shrug. “It won’t burn down.”

“And if Moony… I mean Princess Luna turns up the heat at the same time, and lures me away from Twilight, she doesn’t have the same emotional experience with a breakup—” Dry Roast put his chin down on the counter and blew a breath out to make a few strands of his forelock float momentarily.

“Yeah, I see what you mean,” said Rainbow. “Twilight could get hurt.”

“Ponyville could get hurt,” said Dry into the counter.

“You could get hurt,” said Rainbow Dash.

Dry Roast shrugged. “If by some fantastic chance I survive through the next year without dying from—” He could not help but smile, which gave Rainbow Dash the most conflicted expression.

“Hey, I’m awesome, but I’ve never managed to—” Rainbow chuckled and tapped her forehooves together “—one of my dates to death before. You’re telling me that you really think, you honestly believe that alicorn nookie could be fatal?”

Dry Roast nodded. “Particularly, if I wind up with both of them,” he added.

“Whoa.” The cheesy grin faded away until Rainbow Dash had about as serious expression as she could muster. “That is so awesome. They’re going to erect a statue of you in the town square. And by erect, I mean—”

“I know what you mean,” said Dry Roast quickly as the tinkle of the bell sounded over the shop’s front door. “Now, scoot. I’ve got customers.”

“Employees,” corrected Luna as she strode into the shop with every ethereal hair in place and with an expression of subdued smugness. “Ah, and there you are, Rainbow Dash. We have arranged an event this afternoon to smooth things over with Twilight Sparkle, out in the town square. If you would be so good as to ensure she attends, I believe everypony will be satisfied with the solution.”

“Sure, no problem. Ah, but I do have a question.” Rainbow caught Luna before she made it all the way around the corner into the employee section of the shop and just looked at the tall alicorn. “Dry says it’s possible that he might… die from you two getting frisky. Is he telling the truth or just pulling my tail? I mean I’ve never heard of—”

Luna kissed Rainbow Dash, and not just a simple peck on the cheek. Lunar princess and high-strung pegasus were caught in a lip-lock for several minutes while the few customers out in the main room looked on in fascination and Dry Roast counted time on the nearby clock. Finally, long after he had expected the kiss to end, Luna moved away with a sly smile, leaving Rainbow sitting on her haunches while staring into the distance.

“Not bad,” said Luna before taking a drink out of Rainbow Dash’s ice cream coffee. “This is quite delicious also.”

“I think you may have broken her.” Dry watched the experimental subject while Luna was getting her paper hat and apron on. In a few minutes, Rainbow Dash began staggering for the front door, muttering something incomprehensible, and after several tries, managed to get outside and pointed in the direction of Twilight’s castle.

“Merely stunned,” said Luna. “Admirable stamina.”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

It felt a little uncomfortable for Dry Roast to be standing out in the town square with Luna at his side, more uncomfortable when he thought of the possibility of perhaps surviving the process of alicorn mating and winding up in an alicorn marriage. After all, the last alicorn marriage had come with a side order of changeling invasion and topped with a little kidnapping and mind control for the bride.

Luna would probably enjoy it all far too much. Twilight would take notes.

The crowd was not exactly excited by Ponyville standards, because nothing was on fire or exploding, but there was a look of anticipation as if they had all smelled the faint waft of smoke on the air, or the hissing of a fuse. There were a lot of knowing looks out there, and more than a few subtle glances at Luna’s sides, as if perhaps the two of them were going to use this public event to announce a pregnancy, or an upcoming alicorn egg.

“Princess Luna!” Twilight Sparkle floated down to the stage with Rainbow Dash tracing a slightly unsteady path to a landing next to her. “What’s going on? Rainbow said I was supposed to be here, but she didn’t tell me why. Is there a monster attack? Some sort of friendship emergency?”

“Something quite close indeed,” said Luna. “And just in time, too. Please stand here, Twilight Sparkle, and Rainbow Dash may stand beside you.”

Once they were all situated, Luna turned to address the townsponies.

“Citizens of Ponyville,” she started in a controlled blast that staggered several of the nearer audience. Dropping her volume slightly, she continued, “It has come to our attention that a disruption in our beloved Equestria has caused the young Princess Sparkle some great distress recently. Miss Heartstrings, will you please step forward.”

It was less a question than a direct command, and Lyra hesitantly stepped to the position indicated.

“As the designated keeper of the Pool—” and the capital letter just seemed to drop into place like a star plummeting from the sky “—you are responsible for determining the pony or organization who has reserved the time segment upon which the accumulated revenue will be paid in the event Twilight Sparkle gets her first kiss? While awake, of course.”

Dry Roast blushed. Twilight Sparkle blushed even brighter. Lyra nodded.

“Tell me, what group or pony has reserved the ten seconds after one o’clock this afternoon?”

Lyra got out a notebook the size of an unabridged dictionary, with thesaurus. “The Rarity Unicorn Charitable Fund for Orphans, Widows, and the Disabled.”

As one, every pony in the audience turned to look at the Ponyville clock tower, then turned to look at Luna, who was licking her lips and applying lip balm.

“That’s low, Mister Roast,” said Twilight Sparkle in a hiss, trying to look past Luna at where Dry Roast was cringing. “How could you… wait a minute. You’re not sneaky enough to come up with this.”

“Sheesh, Twilight,” said Rainbow Dash. “Rarity’s name is right on it. I saw her and Luna talking about something this morning.”

Luna nodded. “She said something about ‘locking herself in the bank vault until you calmed down’ I believe. Now, if you are prepared, we can both eliminate this embarrassing burden which you are carrying and do a great good for the needy ponies of Equestria with one action.”

“I can’t kiss you!” Twilight stammered and pointed at the clock tower. “I’ve still got at least a minute left. There’s got to be another way around—”

The hands of the distant clock shifted, and a single bell rang out.

Princess Luna leaned down…

And Twilight turned abruptly to kiss Rainbow Dash directly on the lips.

It was, by no means, a kiss up to her usual standards, as Dry Roast noted with considerable internalized smugness. It barely lasted a few seconds, although mostly because Rainbow Dash slithered down to the stage floor and landed with a thump in the middle of being kissed.

“Oh, no!” Twilight bent over her friend and poked her with one hoof. “Is she injured?”

“Probably just fainted,” said Dry Roast, peering around Luna. “I used to do that a lot when you first became an alicorn. There’s this thing you do with your bottom lip—” Dry became abruptly aware of how many eyes were on him, and he wisely shut his mouth, bottom lip and all.

“Alicorn passions are powerful things,” said Luna. “You must learn to measure your power, control the ebb and flow of the hormones in your blood.” She nudged Rainbow Dash with one hoof, and looked moderately impressed at the resulting groan. “Now, I must see to the transfer of the Pool funds. Please take your friend back to the castle where she can recover. We shall meet with you there.”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

It was pure coincidence that the best place in Twilight Sparkle’s castle to put Rainbow Dash to recover was Twilight’s bed. Dry Roast wound up doing the carrying, placing, and checking, while Twilight took care of door-opening and navigation through the maze of corridors.

“Is she injured?” asked Twilight, peeking over Dry’s shoulder.

“I think she needs mouth-to-mouth resuscitation,” said Dry. “Or at least that’s what she said a few minutes ago when you weren’t watching.”

“Hey,” objected the patient. “Less talking, more smooching.”

Dry Roast had no idea if the windows in Twilight’s castle opened. After watching the way Twilight Sparkle propelled her friend out the window, he still did not know. She was going to need to fix the resulting hole, though.

“Can’t believe Rainbow Dash would be that sneaky,” groused Twilight Sparkle.

Dry Roast wanted to say something in response, but the prospect of being propelled through the same hole without the benefit of wings to break his fall kept him civil. Twilight seemed to come to a similar conclusion, and lit up her horn to patch the hole in the window.

“Shut up,” she added while the window reassembled itself under the power of her magic. “I can’t believe Luna thought it would make me more romantic to kiss me out in front of the whole town.”

“It does cut down on the publicity,” he put forward cautiously. “And Luna made sure the pool went to a good cause.”

“True.” Twilight took a deep breath and turned to Dry Roast with a tense smile. “Well, this is my bedroom.”

“I’ve been here before,” reminded Dry. “Twice, actually.”

“Uh…” Twilight retrieved a long list from her bedside table and drew a line through one of the entries. “Yes. I knew that. So we’ve had the date, and the bedroom… um… stuff that doesn’t involve directly—” Twilight tapped her forehooves together quietly.

Dry Roast craned his neck to look at the list. “That leaves making out, going to a concert, meeting his parents, him meeting your parents, introducing him to the princesses—”

Twilight drew a line through one of her checkmarks.

“You better mark out Cadence on that list too,” suggested Dry. “She’ll probably give you suggestions, tips, pointers, and a few more entries on those checkmarks.” He pointed at a list further down on the sheet and stopped to read them. “Really? I take it back. I think you’ve covered just about everything… Oh, wait. There’s another page.”

He read for a while before reaching for the quill with his magic. “I don’t think that’s a real position,” said Dry, pointing but not marking through a particular entry.

“It most certainly is,” said Luna, who had somehow slipped up to right behind Dry while he was not looking. “Your checklist is a magnificent idea, Twilight Sparkle. You can show our lover each of these—” Luna nuzzled into Dry Roast’s mane and did that thing that always made his knees into jelly “—and once you have completed your futile attempts, I shall show him how it is really done.”

“What?” Twilight Sparkle’s eyes narrowed to slits and Dry could swear he heard her growl. “It is so on.”

“Good.” Luna’s smile could have easily been mistaken for the expression on a tiger who had just scented blood, but it went away in a moment when Dry Roast wadded up the list and tossed it into a nearby trash can.

“No,” he announced. “If the two of you are going to fight that way, you’re going to have to find another… um… me. I’ll still be the same stallion you were with last night, Princess Luna, and I’ll still make you coffee in the morning, Princess Sparkle, but that will be all.”

“Oh,” said Twilight with her jaw hanging open.

“Ah,” said Luna while her smile returned, only far warmer. She turned to Twilight, gently lifted under her chin until she was no longer gaping like a fish, and embraced her with both forelegs and wings. They stayed together like that for a long time, with Twilight hesitantly adding to the hug after a while and Dry seriously trying not to think of hot princess-on-princess action, which was made more difficult by the way Luna kissed Twilight on the nose when they broke their hug.

“Did I not tell you, Twilight Sparkle, that this one is a gemstone among pebbles.”

“He was… pretty honest,” said Twilight, who was still wriggling her lips while looking at Dry with a completely different expression. “I was a little worried that all he wanted to do was to get me into bed so he could have intercourse with you.”

“I got kissed by you first,” said Dry. “I can’t be dishonest to get you into bed… Well, again, and on your terms, without corrupting our relationship, such as it is.”

Twilight gave a very slow nod. “That’s true.” She stopped and frowned, but Dry Roast picked up before she could say a word.

“Yes, I lied to get into bed with a mare once in college. It ended really badly. I can show you the scar if you want.”

“Yes,” said Luna.

“No!” said Twilight. “I mean… maybe later.”

“Later shall wait.” Dry Roast was a little surprised when Luna gently hustled him out of the room with one wing. “Return to your domicile, you sexy thing. We have much to teach our fellow princess about the contest ahead of her, now that her eggs have begun to quicken.”

“But—” managed Dry before being interrupted by a firm kiss.

“Go,” she said in a voice that he dared not disobey. “We shall be with you shortly, and the game shall proceed at a much more sensible pace.”

Author's Note

Editors notes on Luna 'keeping Dry a secret from her sister'

Tek: Just a little before she starts to show I assume :)
Me: Sister! Erk! There's something I need to tell you! Erk
What is it, Luna? And why are you making those noises?
Labor pains. Oh, and I have a coltfriend.

Tek: Twilight: yeah the gravitational pull between those two heavenly bodies would be great.
Dry: of yeah I suppose but I still think Luna has a better body
Twi: I was talking about the sun and the Moon
Dry: yeah I suppose those have some weight to them as well

Tek: Celestia: For the crime of breaking up with my sister I sentence you to death, by alicorn snu-snu, for the order we shall draw lots.
Me: Tag team! declared Luna. "Dibs on first!"

18. The Quicker Perker Upper

Her Royal Morning Coffee
The Quicker Perker Upper

“Five days.” Dry Roast finished Applejack’s order and pushed it across the counter, then swept the bits for his first sale of the day into the cash register. “It’s been five days.”

“Long dry spell, I guess,” said Applejack with a completely straight face.

“Oh, har de har.” Dry thumped the levers on the coffee machine and made himself a short latte. “Other than a breakfast visit from Luna one morning, I haven’t seen either of them since then. You have no idea what it is like to go from full throttle to stopped.”

“Well…” Applejack scratched her chin. “There was this time that Big Mac came into the barn unexpectedly while I was—” she coughed “—entertaining a gentlecolt. That’s full stop with a bucket of cold water on top, and no, I’m not naming names.”

Dry raised an eyebrow, only to be countered by Ponyville’s eyebrow-raising expert, who continued, “And no, I ain’t never told none of my friends his name, either, so don’t bother asking around. I don’t suppose you been over to her castle to check, have you?”

“Which one?” Dry shrugged. “There’s a note on Twilight’s castle door, and how in the world would I go to Canterlot and get by the guards? Hi, I’m Princess Luna’s secret lover and I’d like to see if she’s available for a long walk in the Royal Gardens without you gentlestallions peeking at us?”

“Go back to this note on Twi’s door,” said Applejack. “What’s it say?”

“Dear Dry Roast. Not until later. Sincerely, both of us.” Dry sighed. “So there’s hope.”

The bell on the front door of the shop dinged and Twilight Sparkle staggered inside. She followed her normal somnambulist path down the corridor of empty space without bumping into more than one or two tables, lead by a twitching nose and two ears scanning back and forth like tiny radar dishes.

When Dry magicked the foam cup off the top of the stack and floated it over to the machine, both of Twilight’s ears focused on the slight noise, and her pace sped up until she was fairly galloping. For just a second, Dry thought she would hit the counter and burst through it, but she flowed over it in one smooth motion, finding his lips without any fumbling around or random pecks.

They both fell behind the counter, leaving Applejack to try to not laugh in the empty main room, but after a certain amount of time had passed, a few quiet chortles and a couple of sips from her coffee cup, the farmer moved up to the counter and started, “Hey, you two. I thought—”

Applejack stopped, and after due consideration, took another drink of coffee.

“Griffons,” she said, looking at the two creatures locking… beaks and other things behind the counter.

“Transformation spell,” gasped Dry Roast during a brief beak break. “Oh, wait. No, no, no!” Dry bit his beak down on the fluffy space sticking out of Twilight’s feathered chest, making the transformed princess give out a sharp squawk and jump backward.

“What in…” ‘Twilight’ looked herself over, then returned to her normal alicorn self with a brief flash of magic. “What’s going on?”

Applejack pushed her hat back a little. “Think it’s probably more what was going on afore Dry bit you.”

Twilight rubbed at the bright red mark on her chest. “But I… And he… I was just researching griffon mating last night…”

“Looked a little like the two of you was going to do some applied research in your sleep,” said Applejack. “Reckon he stopped you from finding out how a griffon laying an egg feels. Figure you wouldn’t sleep through that.”

“You’re not going to spread this around town, are you?” asked Dry ‘Feathers’ Roast, who had rolled over on his belly with new wings still flailing around a little. He was unpracticed with the voluntary motions of a griffon, but the involuntary reflexes of having a female wrapped around him were entirely too obvious.

“Not for love or bits,” said Applejack. “I’ll just be moseying along, provided the two of you can keep your beaks to yourselves in public.”

“I was not—” started Twilight. She looked down, then back up at Applejack sauntering out of the coffee shop front door. Then back down at the male griffon.

“Maybe I was,” she said with an awkward giggle. “Thank you, by the way.” She lit her horn with a brief flash to restore Dry Roast to his familiar unicorn form, then fidgeted awkwardly as he remained belly-down on the floor. “Did I hurt you?”

“Not exactly.” Dry floated the foam cup up to the coffee machine to complete Twilight’s normal coffee order, then over to her. “Everything I’ve got is working just fine. Maybe a little too fine.”

“Oh.” Twilight took a deep drink out of her coffee and yawned. “Sorry about that.”

“It was… educational,” started Dry, who still was sitting chest-down on the floor. “I’m not sure about what Applejack was saying, though. A transformation spell won’t change offspring permanently, would it?”

“No, not unless the transformed female has undergone both primary and secondary transformation,” said Twilight. “Plus I’ve got a contraception spell on—” She stopped and lit up her horn briefly.

“Gone, isn’t it?” asked Dry Roast. “Luna said alicorns with their blood up are unstoppable.”

“Unless you bite them,” said Twilight Sparkle. “Look, it’s not that I don’t want foals. They’re cute, adorable, and a way to pass our genetic legacy onto future generations.”

“No argument here,” said Dry without moving from his spot. “Making them is fun too.”

“Well…. yes,” admitted Twilight. “It’s just… Well, I think…”

“Why don’t we meet this afternoon in your castle?” said Dry Roast. “I’ll bring some sandwiches, we can talk, and have some privacy.”

“I have Spike,” said Twilight.

“Who will be overjoyed to get an afternoon off,” countered Dry Roast. “I asked him a few days ago when he was walking by the shop.” Dry scratched the back of his head. “I may have lunged out into the street, cornered him by a tree, and scared him a little, but he said it was cool. Oh, and I bought him a comic book.”

Twilight frowned. “Bribery?”

“Compensation for his inconvenience, addressed in a fairly minor financial way.” Dry rolled his eyes. “Besides, I hadn’t read that copy of Marevengers either. So, is it a date?”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

“It’s an improvement,” admitted Dry Roast as he dropped Applejack’s coffee order onto the counter.

“I’d say it’s a darned sight better than an improvement over the last week.” Applejack poked the tab into the top of the coffee and took a cautious sip. “Twi’s been happier than a pig in slop, Luna’s been over at your place most mornings, and you’re looking pretty tired.”

“That’s… part of it,” admitted Dry Roast.

* * *

Luna could not stop giggling while the two of them walked through the darkness on their way to the coffee shop. “Sister has been most displeased when I do not return to Canterlot in her glorious mornings. She suspects that I am up to something.”

“You are,” said Dry. He nuzzled along her damp neck, still smelling like Rainbow Dash’s conditioner from their recent shower. “Still, you’re a big girl now.”

“She fusses over me so.” Luna broke out in a particularly energetic group of giggles. “It’s wonderful.”

“My big brother used to put frogs in my bed if I wasn’t home on time,” admitted Dry.

“She is asking about you in the most oblique fashion,” said Luna. “If the fair Princess Sparkle doth not wish to compete for your affections while awake, perhaps my sister would be interested.” She brushed her tail up Dry’s side while they walked, making him skip a step. “We both like our stallions like our coffee, tall, dark, and strong.”

Dry gave a disbelieving snort, then after another brush of Luna’s tail, gave out a different kind of snort.

“Sorry.” Dry Roast flicked his tail over Luna, but without the energy it deserved. “I’m sidetracked, I think. Twilight seems to be just… going through the motions. It’s fun, I’ll admit, but not like us.”

“We must take the good with the bad, I suppose.” Luna took a sharp left turn and headed in the direction of the forest. “Let us open the store somewhat later this morn. The Night doth call for a stroll through the outskirts of the beautiful forest.”

“Well…” Dry Roast considered the proposal, along with the proposer. “Nopony does show up before dawn except for Twilight, and I fixed her coffeemaker so we should be good for a few days until she breaks it again.”

“Good.” Luna picked up her strides into a brisk trot. “Perhaps if we are lucky, we shall see an owlbear. It is their mating season, after all.”

* * *

“By the way, Applejack. Did you know it’s owlbear mating season?” said Dry while brushing a twig out of his mane. “Luna had to fly back to Canterlot this morning in order to fill out some sort of observation report, but I’m afraid to tell Twilight about it.”

“Don’t want to be no owlbear, I figure,” said Applejack while chortling into her coffee. She paused, took a measured drink, and added, “That done came out too wrong to be funny.”

“A lot of the humor got sucked out of the whole experience during Breezie experimentation time.” Dry stuck his tongue in one cheek. “I’ll admit, flying is fun.”

“And whoopie’s fun too, but doing both at the same time’ll get you thirty days in the pen,” said Applejack. “RD told me that once.”

“There’s none of that either,” mused Dry Roast. “Everything except that, I think. The kissing pool was supposed to have been the thing that was holding her back, but there’s some other invisible hill in our emotional relationship.”

“And that hill done put Princess Luna on the other side of it too, I figure.” Applejack sat down her coffee and pushed her hat back. “From what you and Twi done said, if’n the hormones don’t fire up on either one of them, there ain’t no fire on t’other.”

“Oh, there’s hormones there,” admitted Dry Roast. “I’m practically dripping with them. Luna’s been taking her trips to Canterlot to keep from getting carried away, and Twilight has been dancing along the edge, but her heart’s not in it. One of these days, she’ll get carried away, things will happen, and—” Dry bit his bottom lip “—she’ll wind up hurt.”

“And pregnant, and probably hating you, and—” Applejack stopped when she saw the look on Dry Roast’s face. “Oh. So you think she’s just doin’ this to make Luna happy?”

Dry Roast looked outside at the dull light of impending sunrise, considering just how much earlier Applejack had been showing up at the store, and how worried she must have been about her friend’s behavior to make this kind of conversational time in her tight work schedule.

“What do you think?” he asked instead.

“Well…” Applejack pursed her lips and lubricated her mouth with a short sip of coffee. “You do know that Twi talks with us about you, right?”

“It’s probably inevitable.” Dry’s brows narrowed despite his best effort. “Wait a minute. How much does Twilight talk about our relationship?”

Applejack thought for a moment, then gestured Dry Roast closer so she could whisper in his ear. It took a while, and involved words that Dry never thought he would hear from the young farm mare.

“That’s… accurate,” he admitted once Applejack was done.

“Ah don’t know what’s in that pointy little head of hers at times,” admitted Applejack. “Heck, if’n I was in her position, I’d have taken you out to the barn for a tumble in the hay a bunch of times by now. You sure you ain’t doin’ something to block her out?”

“Positive, or at least as positive as a male can be,” said Dry. “There’s just no there, there. There’s no spark… No, wait. There’s lots of sparks. Heck, whenever she’s kissing me when sleepwalking, she’s full of sparks. It’s when she’s awake that everything falls apart.”

“Yeah, I done saw that with you two playing griffon nesting,” admitted Applejack.

Dry Roast examined the problem before saying what he really did not want to say. “So, do you think I should break up with her? Twilight, that is.”

“It’ll drive her nuts, but I think that’s probably the honest thing to do to keep from hurting her,” said Applejack. “Still, that’ll put an awful burr under Luna’s saddle. Ah think she was lookin’ forward to going to the rodeo with you more than just about anything.”

“Yeah.” Dry Roast looked out the window at the dull glow coating the horizon, foretelling the upcoming sunrise. “That really doesn’t matter if it hurts Twilight. I’d never be able to look myself in the mirror again.”

Applejack raised one eyebrow, but withheld comment.

After swirling his leftover coffee a few times, Dry put it down on the counter. “I feel sorry for Twilight, though.”

“Yeah.” Applejack sat her coffee down next to his. “There is one good thing about this.”

“What?”

Dry Roast’s eyes got big as Applejack kissed him, good and solid with all the energy that a healthy earth pony with her musculature could muster. When she was done, Applejack licked her lips, picked up her coffee, and began trotting for the front door of the shop, calling over her shoulder, “Not bad at all. Tell Luna I said hi.”

Then the door closed, and Dry was alone in the coffee shop again.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

He was still puzzling over it during the lull before lunch when Fluttershy dropped by the coffee shop with Pinkie Pie.

“Oh, I know what you’re here for,” said Dry, darting past Sugar Lump into the back room and coming back with several triple-bagged buckets floating in his magic. “I have the coffee grounds you were asking about, Miss Fluttershy. Once they’re composted, the earthworms should love them. And I threw in a bag of eggshells to help with pH balance.”

“Thank you, Mister Roast.” Fluttershy’s voice was nearly inaudible, but it did not take much to see how happy she was when Dry floated the heavy buckets of grounds out to the wagon parked at the curb. “My creature friends will really appreciate this.”

“It’s nothing,” said Dry with a depreciating flick of one hoof that nearly made him trip. “I would have thrown them out anyway, and this way they get used for a good cause.”

“We’re going to have a wormstravaganza!” declared Pinkie Pie, who was in the harness of the wagon, ready to go. “How do you throw a party for worms, anyway?”

“I’m not sure.” Dry paused, and after a subtle look around, lowered his voice. “Speaking of things I’m not sure of. Have either of you noticed anything… unusual about Applejack lately?”

“I’m not sure what you mean by unusual.” Pinkie Pie turned her head almost upside down to look at Dry. “Did you put too much apple syrup in her coffee?”

“No, that’s not it,” said Dry, who fought back a sudden urge to lick his lips in memory of that fleeting taste of farmyard mare. “It was just about perfect. It’s just… Nevermind.”

“Thank you again for saving the coffee grounds for me, Mister Roast,” said Fluttershy. “We really appreciate it, and… um…” She lifted up on her toes and gently kissed Dry Roast on the lips with no more force than a butterfly might make during a cautious landing. After a short period of time, possibly no more than a few brief breaths, she settled back down on the ground, smiling and blushing in equal measure.

“Uh…” started Dry Roast, once he got over the totally unexpected shock. “Thank you?”

“That’s not a Thank-You Kiss,” said Pinkie Pie, slipping out of the traces of the wagon like a greased eel. “This is a Thank-You Kiss!”

The world became pink.

And after a certain period of time, possibly one or two geological eras, it turned back into the world.

The return to normalcy, or at least Ponyville normalcy, did not happen all at once. Apparently, there had been enough time for a small crowd to gather, complete with photographer. Pinkie Pie grinned at him, then turned to Fluttershy with a flourish.

“See! Now that was a Thank-You Kiss. Do you want to try again?”

Fluttershy blushed as much as Dry had ever seen her before. “Um…”

Dry tried to interrupt, but all that came out at first was also, “Ahh… Nothat’sfine, Pinkie.” He rubbed the back of his hoof across his lips, which were itching something fierce, and tried to remember if he had been chewing gum before, because he most certainly was now. “Bye?”

“Bye-bye, Mister Roast,” declared Pinkie before vaulting into the wagon harness and taking off. “We’ll see you next week! That gives you time to practice.”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

“Mail call!” Derpy came sweeping in the front door to the coffee shop and skidded to a landing right in front of the counter, despite several ponies having previously been in line in front of her. While they picked themselves up from the floor and sorted out their associated limbs, the mailmare put the envelopes down on the counter and looked up with her familiar smile. “Hi, Mister Roast! Can I get—”

“Two hot chocolates, heavy on the marshmallows, with a pinch of alfalfa salt,” finished Dry with a flourish, placing the two foam containers on the counter next to his mail. “Say hi to Dinky for me at lunch.”

“Thanks!” There was a whirl of loose napkins and Derpy was gone again, leaving Dry to slip off to one side and read his mail in peace, since both of his temps were working in the shop, which allowed him to take off and hit the gym shortly.

“Luna,” he said under his breath while reading the first jasmine-scented card. “Tied up in court, wishing I was tied up with you, see you at dawn. Stinker.” He chuckled while opening the second card, which was delicately scented and addressed with the most precise calligraphy.

Then he read it a second time.

“I’m outnumbered,” he grumbled mildly, switching his apron for a small set of saddlebags. “It’s a conspiracy to keep me crazy, I just know it. Somewhere, they’re keeping score. Hey, Straight Shot!”

The chunky coffee colt looked up, but only after he used his magic to set the customer’s order on the counter, which was one of the reasons Dry had even considered hiring him.

“I’m off, and headed over to the Carousel Boutique,” said Dry. “I’ll be back in about an hour to see how you’re doing. If I’m not back by quitting time, clean up and see if Rarity has me locked in a back room or something.”

“I thought you were dating one of the princesses,” said the young stallion.

“That’s… a significant simplification,” said Dry. “You and Sugar Lump have been doing a great job covering for me, so just to let you know, if I vanish someday, I want you to keep the store open, okay?”

“Oh...kay,” said Straight Shot, who lowered his head when Sugar Lump jogged him in the ribs so she could whisper in his ear. “Oh,” he said after a short moment. “That makes sense.”

Dry withheld comment on his way out the back door.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

“Welcome to the Carousel Boutique,” said Dry Roast under his breath as he nudged open the unlocked door. “Where everything is tailor-made, designed to get Dry Roast laid.”

The boutique looked very different than the last time Dry Roast had slipped by for some embroidery on the store aprons and some advice about decor. The candles were new, wafting scents of saddleberry, sandalwood, cinnamon and the faintest hint of lavender around the inside of the building. With the curtains drawn, they were the only illumination, making a fair path of the flickering scene-setters leading back into the depths of the building, which Dry Roast followed just out of pure contrariness. After all, it might have concealed something to help win over Twilight Sparkle’s affection. There was certainly something going on with Twilight’s friends.

The trail of scented candles led to the boutique kitchen, and even more romantic scene-setting. The sound of a violin wafted through the background, the table was set with two tall tapers burning with a rose-scented hint, and bolstered by a bowl of grapes, two bottles of wine chilling in an ice bucket, and several empty glasses.

“She didn’t.” Dry Roast sampled one of the grapes. One of the peeled grapes. “Yeah, she did.”

There was the faint tapping sound of another pony following the candlelit path, and Dry laid a few internal bets on whether it would turn out to be Rarity with a kiss, or Twilight Sparkle being tricked into a romantic gesture with her reluctant lover.

“Rarity?” called out Twilight as she came around the corner. “Oh. Not Rarity, I see,” she added upon catching sight of Dry Roast.

“Oh, I’m pretty sure Rarity is behind this,” said Dry while getting out the glasses and beginning to pour the wine. After all, it was probably an expensive year, so turning it down would be rude, and besides, he really needed a drink. “Would you like a glass of wine, Miss Sparkle?”

“Thank you,” said Twilight, floating over the glass and giving it a sip. “Whew. Rarity really pulled out the stops on this effort. I think I could smell the wine and candles from my castle.”

“They have good intentions.” Dry Roast filled his own wine glass and touched the rim of it to the other. “To good friends, good company, and second chances.”

“Yeah.” Twilight frowned in consideration, then knocked back the glass in one swig and presented it for refilling. “Hit me again. I’ve got something to ask you.”

Dry Roast hesitated with the bottle over Twilight’s empty glass. “Are you breaking up with me?”

“No!” Twilight waved the glass until Dry Roast filled it. “I want to—” She gently tapped her forehooves together, then slammed the glass of wine back again.

“No.” Dry put the cork back in the bottle, despite a sudden urge to drain it dry. “We’re not hitting it off, and you getting drunk will only make it worse.”

“I just realized, the only thing stopping us is my inhibitions,” said Twilight, waving the empty glass again. “They’ll go away once we do it five or six times.”

Dry Roast froze, unable to resist Twilight Sparkle’s much more powerful magic when she took the bottle away from him and poured another glass, and then yet another. She held the clear crystal up to the candlelight, admiring the way the wine glittered against the light while a small smile began to play around the corners of her beautiful lips. “I’m glad Rarity set this up. I’ve been letting my reluctance govern my actions. Well, after today, there’s no reluctance.” She slammed back the glass of wine and poured another, taking a long, deep breath in the process.

“I don’t think a wine like that should be chugged,” said Dry in a desperate attempt to… well, do something. Other than that. Five or six times. “Wait a minute. How could you smell the wine from your castle? It was uncorked to breathe, but we’re quite some distance away.”

Twilight frowned at the glass, then began looking around. “I think Rarity started decanting this about an hour ago. It was distracting. You can’t just open a new wine like this and let it breathe in the bottle. It needs a bigger glass to… Ah, here it is.” She pulled a large-bottomed glass container out from under Rarity’s cabinet and sat it down on the table.

“That’s interesting.” Dry Roast considered the faint film of reddish residue at the bottom of the container and sipped his own glass. “I’m not very familiar with non-coffee products.”

“Princess Celestia taught me.” Twilight knocked back her glass of wine, but slower in order to appreciate it. “Now, once we get done with the bottles—”

“Just a minute, Twilight.” There was something about the empty flask that bothered his chemist mind, and a series of chemical-based formulae began to patch themselves together in his mind, joining and rejoining in an entrancing dance of potential.

“Only a minute?” Twilight Sparkle began pouring herself another glass. “I’ve got a number of spells to help, but I’m a little baffled on just where to start. Well, I know where to start, I suppose. We’ve been there a few times before, but this time I’m finishing—”

Dry stuck the cork back in the bottle.

“I have an idea that might solve our dilemma without this,” he began slowly. “Trust me.”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

Lieutenant Wind Shear drifted a little when he glided into a landing in the coffee shop front doorway, and nearly clipped the doorframe. “Sorry,” called out the lanky batpony. “Dry, you still open?”

“Just barely. What can I do you for?” Dry Roast yawned and looked around the nearly empty store, taking in the preparations he had set up for tonight’s experiment. There were a number of things that he had done, but the most difficult task had been to get Rainbow Dash’s house tied up outside of the store. It had taken a lot of physical labor and mental too, in order to lie his way out of an explanation. Repeating ‘Trust me’ to Rainbow was a little like painting a target on your forehead for the next Nightmare Night. Still, she had agreed to the odd request, and the even odder request on how to tie up her cloud house, so Dry was ahead of his expected plan already.

“Need coffee,” said the guard. “We’ve got an all-day meeting, and the castle staff has this incompetent boob running the coffee pot. I’ve got over a hundred Royal Guards from every corner of Equestria snapping at each other, and it’s only going to get worse for this evening’s breakout sessions.”

It seemed like a simple enough problem. “Hm. Got a delivery wagon or are you kidnapping me?”

“Chariot will be here in five. Nothing fancy. Just as many foam cups as you can crank out.” The lieutenant yawned again and shook his head. “Better make one for me.”

“I’ll set you up with some cups in carriers, but if you’re going to coffee a lot of guards, you’ll need—” Dry Roast pulled the two large storage containers he had purchased off the Flim/Flam brothers out from a cabinet, and checked the insides to make sure they were clean. “Ta-da!” he announced once they had passed inspection. “One for a light roast and one for dark. I’m just glad I didn’t clean out the coffee machine, or I’d have to start all over.”

“I could kiss you,” declared Wind Shear with a yawn even as the mechanisms of the coffee machine began to chirp and steam. “Right on the lips.”

“Why not?” Dry produced a small cappuccino for the guard with a flourish. “Everypony else has today.”

The nocturnal guard did not respond at first, because he had wrapped both membranous wings around the coffee cup and was working his way to the bottom of it, but once he finished and licked his lips, he gave Dry a sideways look and asked, “Are Twilight Sparkle’s friends trying to make up for her reluctance and get Princess Luna all heated up? Not that any of the guard noticed anything, of course.”

After a reluctant nod, Dry replied, “That’s probably it.”

“Soo…” Wind Shear waggled an eyebrow, seeming much more awake now. “Still want that kiss?”

“So by tomorrow that may be the only kissing I get,” admitted Dry Roast. “I’ve got a theory. Whatever happens tomorrow morning with Twilight, just let it happen. Don’t get in anypony’s way.”

“Just consider us Cupid’s little pegasi,” said Wind Shear while passing the empty cup back for a refill.

“Not that way.” Dry refilled the guard’s coffee cup before returning to pouring coffee into the insulated storage container for delivery. “In fact, if things go the way I think, I’m going to lose both princesses tomorrow. Twilight first, then Luna when she gets tired of me.”

“Not a chance.” Wind Shear sipped from his coffee instead of gulping, then sucked air across his tongue to cool it afterward. “If alicorns were peacocks, Luna would have her tail spread wide as a fan every time she talks about you in one sneaky way or another. She’s been dancing and prancing around Canterlot, just as cheerful as a nightingale and about as musical. You’ve put quite a bit of perk in the princess, and it’s rubbing off on the rest of the castle.” The guard paused to put one hoof up against the side of his helmet as if one of his fellow guards was telling him something through the communication crystals in his helmet, then he dove to the floor in front of the counter.

“Dry!” Princess Luna fairly burst through the doorway of the store and tackled Dry Roast, lips first. The kisses immediately followed, intense and hot enough to make Dry’s face feel as if it were on fire. “Thou smells of powerful mares,” she managed during a brief break for air. “We shall drive away these interlopers with our feminine wiles.”

“Whiles?” managed Dry.

“While we kiss you thusly. And while we nibble upon—” Luna lifted her head, fixed the guard with an intense look, and floated the ‘Closed” sign up to the counter.

It took every bit of willpower that Dry Roast had, but he floated the sign down from the counter and gave Luna a determined look.

“Glaerbil flibmdiget… I mean your guards have need of our product.”

Luna waggled an eyebrow and smirked, which made his heart skip a beat.

“Later,” he insisted, although with crumbling resistance due to those dark eyes. “I think I figured out what the problem is between Twilight and me.”

“And thou hast prepared a clever scheme to win over the fair princess?” asked Luna with a soft kiss. “To unlock the passion which lies between her thighs and allow her heart to cleave to thine own, so that our contest to bear your children might be fair?”

“Coffee first,” managed Dry Roast.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

The two enchanted containers Dry had purchased from the Flim/Flam brothers, several dozen foam cups, and a box of topping pumpers filled up the Royal Guard chariot just about perfectly, leaving Dry Roast breathless, but not bitless, when the guards turned back to Canterlot and left the store empty.

“There goes the last order of the day.” Dry ran through the familiar steps in cleaning the coffee machine while Luna fairly pranced through the other steps of store cleanup. It was a comfortable feeling of marital bliss, broken only by the uncertainty of the plan Dry Roast was putting together. Still, it was far better than the feeling he was fairly certain would follow a drunken princess sex romp with Twilight Sparkle. Hopefully, his plans would come to fruition, even though he suspected the result of his experiment was not going to be optimal.

“So, did you miss me?” Luna flicked him with her tail while carrying the dustpan over to the trash, then gave him a long, intense kiss on the way back. “You smell of scented candles, the young Twilight Sparkle, and a fine Merlot, but not the acts which would follow such a romantic gesture.”

“It’s a secret,” said Dry Roast in a burst of creativity.

“Ooo, I love secrets.” Luna leaned close and nuzzled up his neck with her eyelashes leaving a tickling trail along her path. “Let us return to thy residence and we shall learn of it.”

“Not until tomorrow morning,” said Dry.

It was a very long night. But well worth keeping the secret.

19. Passion Perfectly Poured

Her Royal Morning Coffee
Passion Perfectly Poured

By the time the dawn was nigh, the secret was getting very difficult to keep. Moreso, since the experiment that Dry Roast had set up so carefully was bearing no fruit. Between Luna’s nibbling and being nibbled on, kissing and kisses, snuggles and nuzzles and all sorts of physical contact, the process of secret keeping was anything but unpleasant. Still, if nothing happened this evening, there was no way he could keep from talking until tomorrow when…

Well, it was not bad at all.

“I’m waiting,” whispered Luna while the two of them leaned up against the coffee store doorframe in the moonlight.

“If that’s you waiting—” Dry took a long moment to exchange a kiss “—I’d hate to see you impatient.”

“It is entirely my desire—” She drew out the word and spent considerable time in some mutual nuzzling afterward. “Sorry,” she breathed, “lost my place.”

“I’m not sorry. Whoops.” Dry gave Luna a quick kiss and headed inside the store. “Customer.”

“Ahh.” Luna’s voice was smooth as silk and she glided into the store behind Dry Roast. “The fair Princess Sparkle, for her morning dose of affection. I thought you fixed her coffee machine yesterday?”

“I pulled the grounds tray.” Dry Roast moved quickly, getting the coffee order ready and primed by the time Twilight Sparkle bounced off the doorframe, wobbled a few times in the open door, and moved forward in small steps.

“Metlobopt muglas fome bettr.”

“No foam, extra chocolate pump, and a pat of butter,” whispered Dry Roast while working in a blur. Twilight’s stride was much slower than any time before, moving forward slowly while sniffing the air. For a change, Dry Roast was done with her order before the sleepwalking alicorn bumped into the counter.

There was a quiet jingle of bits on the counter.

A long, slow slurp while Twilight leaned forward, closer to Dry Roast but with the foam cup still against her lips.

A very long pause while Twilight sniffed the air.

Then she turned around, moving slowly until she managed to make it out of the door, then gaining speed as she turned to the right. Both Dry Roast and Luna scurried to the door and caught the moment she set one hoof on the anchor rope that tied Rainbow Dash’s cloud house to the coffee shop.

“What is she doing?” asked Luna, who promptly answered her own question by saying, “She’s… sniffing. Wait a minute.” Luna stuck her nose into Dry Roast’s mane and took a deep breath.

“Switched conditioners to unscented,” said Dry with a weak smile. “I had my suspicions about Rainbow once I found Twilight could sniff out Rarity’s wine all the way from her castle, so I even washed the house anchor rope in her conditioner yesterday to give a scent trail. Besides, I always thought those two wrestled a little much for just friends.”

Both of them watched the young alicorn walk up the rope at a sharp angle, one surefooted-step at a time, until Twilight Sparkle vanished inside Rainbow’s house and Dry Roast let out the breath he had been holding.

There was quiet for a time, presumably while the alicorn huntress tracked her prey, then a startled squawk from above. Then… other noises.

“And so ends the saga of the Princess of Friendship and the Prince of Coffee Beans,” said Dry with a sigh. “The contest is at an end, Luna. I think we both lost. Well, unless you want to compete for Rainbow Dash.”

Luna remained with her head cocked to one side, listening to the sounds coming down from above. “We are not so crass as to fight when the contest is obviously won, so to the victor goes the spoils. It doth sound as if young Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash are enjoying their morning dalliance.”

Dry gave the cloud-home a skeptical look. “If it starts to rain, I’m untying her anchor rope.”

“How about thunder and lightning?” Luna scooted Dry into the store with one warm wing and did not stop until they both had a fresh cup of coffee with a shot of vanilla, which she improved with a warm kiss of her own. “We can tell you are disappointed by the loss of the fair princess, and the passionate competition which you were wrapped within. There were many secrets of our kind which we had shared with Twilight in order to advance your education.” Luna took a sip of her coffee. “I suppose we shall have to just practice them between ourselves.”

Dry Roast spit out the sip of coffee he had just taken and coughed briefly. “What?”

“Sex.” Luna peered at Dry with a quizzical expression, bordering on laughter. “What, did you think that simply because my eggs shall not be quickened by our passions, that we would turn down long, intimate evenings and days with a handsome, intelligent stallion who hath captured our favor? Sugar Lump and Straight Shot should be prepared to open the store many times over the next years, since I plan on keeping you within the bedchambers for extended times of nearly unbearable passion.” She blinked with a long, slow motion of her dark lashes. “Of course, should young Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash need to borrow your expertise in order to quicken their own eggs in the future, they may borrow you briefly, but we shall need to reestablish our dominance once the fertilization is complete. Does that meet with your approval?”

Dry Roast made a quiet squeaking noise, but nodded.

“It is regrettable that our eggs shall remain cold and inert while our bed steams with pleasure, but that is the way of our kind,” said Luna almost mournfully. “No matter what heights of ecstasy we bring each other to, or how many times, for however many nights in a row, we shall not produce a child.” The corners of her lips quirked up into an introspective look. “It does increase the probability of your survival, though.”

“That’s… nice,” managed Dry, who was promptly silenced by the application of a scorching kiss of great duration. “Better than nice,” he added once they broke for air. “I still can’t help but think we’re missing something.”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

Can’t sleep. Smells good.

Want smell again. Smells of stallion.

Search. Not here. Smell gone! Need smell.

Been so long.

Found smell. Tastes. Bitter. Too little. Seek.

Scent stronger.

Closer.

There.

Sister and scent.

Mine! Mine!

It was the warmth that cued Dry Roast to his new customer before Princess Celestia thumped into the coffee shop door, fumbling for a moment before managing to get it open and stumble inside. She was glowing in the darkness, a force of heat and light which was an alien presence to the cool night air, but the discarded foam coffee cup impaled on her horn and splatters of leftover coffee scattered over her mane gave a more ordinary air to the Goddess of the Sun.

“Merglimp! Deflamet selbmut feldudget. Two.”

Dry had started moving out of reflex when the door had thumped, and only inertia kept him going with a huge foam cup under the coffee machine and the tortured howl of the steamer forcing boiling water through the emergency grounds. Some instinct had made Dry both roast and grind out of a new bag of ‘Death Head’ beans this morning, and the brew that was filling the foam cup looked just as deadly as the most lethal poison.

Although a quick glance at Celestia’s sleeping face, along with the thin line of saliva dripping from one corner of her mouth, showed that the scent of the bilious dark roast was at least appealing to one pony in the vicinity. He added a squirt of sunflower oil, two squirts of apple syrup, and watched the swirls track down into the inky depths before putting a top on it and floating it over—

One moment the huge foam cup was in his magic.

The next, Celestia was guzzling it like a college frat brother chugging a barrel of cider.

In bare seconds, it was gone, and she tossed the drained cup over one shoulder.

Then it was his turn.

Kissing Luna was like being surrounded by the cool, twinkling stars and swept up into the night sky to float effortlessly back to the ground, or at least until another kiss swept him back up in an endless cycle of joy. Kissing her sister was similar, but totally different. It was like being consumed by fire and swirling up into the summer sky as ashes and hot air so that they could dance among the clouds before catching on fire again.

His lips were scorched, his cheeks blistering hot, and his throat bone dry by the time Celestia finished, then came back for another blazing rematch. Eventually, after some uncounted number of centuries, she floated away, drifting on stumbling hooves through the door of the coffee shop with a “lvblmp” cast over her shoulder. Then she spread her wings and rose with the dawn to drift up into the air on her way back to Canterlot, still sleeping.

“My,” breathed Luna, looking at her departing sister with wide eyes. “I hath not ever seen such a reaction from Celly before.” The Princess of the Moon licked one hoof and used it to put out a persistently burning lock of Dry Roast’s mane, then looked deeply into his eyes with a growing smile.

“Our contest hath not ended. It continues, with victory and foals going to the strongest.”

“Looking forward to it,” gasped Dry Roast.

Author's Note

Tada! The end. And they perked happily ever after.

What? Not enough?

I said if this story gets two thousand likes, I'll write a sequel: Fire, Foam, and Frost - A Coffee Colt in Canterlot, and it looks like I'm committed. (in more ways than one)

It will have:
Miss Harshwhinny, Starbuckers Quality Control Auditor
Princess Celestia - Romantic denier
Princess Luna - Royal Sneak
Doctor Horsenpfeffer (borrowed) - Royal Physician
And various other nuts from the largest mountain asylum in the Equestrian nation.

Stay tuned.

1. The Best Part of Waking Up

Her Royal Morning Coffee
The Best Part of Waking Up

Dry Roast had a good reason for opening Java Le Choza every morning long before the sun rose, despite the rest of Ponyville still being sound asleep. It was not a particularly large reason, or a profitable reason, but he had stumbled onto it by accident one morning when he opened the store early because of a bout of insomnia, and had made up his mind at that point to never miss that special time of the morning ever again.

On normal inky-dark mornings, he would get everything set up in the coffee shop just a few minutes after he walked through the door, with the complicated chrome machinery heating up and the cheery lights in the window declaring ‘Open’ as brightly as they could shine. It made the little shop a tiny island of light in the pitch black night filling the town and helped chase away some of the imaginary creatures which he could far too easily imagine lurking in the shadows.

Not that he was actually afraid of the night, of course. One of the best parts of his morning was the slow stroll through the quiet town streets on the way to work under the beautiful stars to guide him and the moon to light his path. The bad part was that with the Everfree Forest a mere stone’s throw outside of the town, some of the less fearful denizens of the dark woods would share his nightly commute, with the occasional bat or curious opossum passing within touching distance before continuing on their way as if he were not worth their attention.

The early hours of the morning had become a comforting, special time for Dry. Once the store was open for business and the first frozen pastries popped into the oven to cook, he would look around the empty booths and allow his mind to enjoy the peace and quiet. Most of the time when the sky was clear, he would ignore the book he brought to read while waiting for his first customers and go stand out in the doorway, gazing up into the starry night and wondering about… stuff. Important stuff, like what the moon was really made of, and if Princess Luna was as fascinating to talk with as many of the town’s residents claimed. Trivial stuff such as why exactly had he traveled to this small town to run a small coffee shop when there were so many opportunities just like it in Canterlot. Deep thoughts about the nature of physical existence and if it was really possible to make a cherry chimichanga and how many ponies (other than Pinkie Pie) would actually order one with their coffee.

Tonight, he had barely gotten the equipment warmed up and his apron on when the cheerful little bell at the front door jingled. It was a little earlier than usual, but there were many nights when she did not show at all, so he took Twilight Sparkle’s bedraggled appearance in stride and smiled at the young alicorn princess where she stood spraddle-legged in the middle of the coffee shop doorway.

She could not see the smile, of course. The Princess of Friendship’s eyes were closed, as usual, although tonight she seemed more alert than Dry Roast had seen her in months, as if she might open her eyes at any moment.

Or not.

Her mane was rumpled and frayed, just like the first time he had opened the shop early and found Twilight Sparkle sleeping with her nose pressed firmly against the door just a few minutes after he turned on the coffee machinery. Much the same as she did back then, Twilight staggered forward, making her way up to the counter in small increments and seemingly driven mostly by scent. Under that frazzled pile of tangled mane, her cute little nose wrinkled up while she sniffed and her eyes remained firmly closed against the bright lights of the shop, but she still radiated an adorable presence which made Dry Roast give a little sigh of adoration back in return.

Her Highness, Princess of the All-Nighters. Someday I really need to get introduced to her when she’s awake so I can find out what color her eyes are.

“Mid grabble fattamatud filbudget macatonit. Mit fulbadagin.” Twilight’s voice was garbled and spoken nearly into the floor, but Dry had some critical experience with Her Highness’ Ritual of Far Too Early In The Morning, and repeated her order, or at least what he had learned to interpret from her odd dialect of Equestrian.

“Double-double espresso latte with seven pumps of chocolate syrup, sprinkles, and low foam, right?”

“Mfgkerswhutlse?”

“Eight pumps it is. Coming up.” Dry Roast got out the largest foam coffee container from behind the counter and proceeded to violate all the known dietary restrictions for caffeine density and chocolate in ways that would have appalled his former alchemy instructor at the university. He foamed and poured, measuring only vaguely and proceeding mostly by feel as the massive insulated container of not-quite-coffee filled up to the top and he clipped the lid on it. Behind him, he could hear the distinctive jingle of bits on the counter which always worked out to exact change plus a twenty percent tip.

“Here you go, Your Highness,” said Dry Roast as he moved back over to the counter, the massive container of coffee wobbling in his magic field until he put it down next to the pile of bits. “Will there be anything else? Bon Bon just brought in a bunch of chocolate-covered coffee bea—”

“lovya,” muttered Twilight Sparkle, taking a deep, deep breath of the steam rising from the top of her coffee, then moving in an almost unstoppable motion upwards until her hot lips pressed against Dry Roast. She kissed him just as hard as any stallion had ever been kissed before in the history of kissing, leaving a blaze of fire which turned Dry Roast’s face a crimson red and left his tail sticking straight out behind him. “Wanahaveyourfoals,” she murmured when coming up for air before resuming the passionate kiss, then, “righthererightnow,” before a third kiss of Royal intensity.

Just as Dry Roast’s knees were about to give out, Twilight Sparkle abruptly stopped the kiss and took a step back. The massive container of coffee levitated up in front of her lips, she took a deep, deep drink with just as much passion as she had put into the kiss moments before, then turned and stumbled toward the door.

“Merglipmuph,” murmured Dry Roast, still trying to get control over his scrambled brains.

“Neglimpth,” muttered Twilight between gulps of coffee. Then she was gone, and the coffee shop was again empty except for the bubbling of the coffee machine and the hammering of Dry Roast’s heart.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

It was almost another hour before the next customer came in, which gave Dry Roast barely enough time to recover his wits. Applejack was a much simpler order than Princess Twilight, and far easier to understand despite her rural accent.

“G’morning, Roast,” said Applejack after nosing open the door, leaving the wagon full of apples parked just outside his door. “Gimme the usual, please.”

“One size large coffee, spare the Fancy, coming up.” Since Dry Roast had pulled the cup off the stack and started pouring the moment he noticed Applejack parking the wagon, it was a relatively simple process, even though he could not help but add, “Sure you don’t want a squirt of caramel or chocolate in that?”

“Nope. Never gonna do it, no matter how much you ask. An’ gimmie one of those apple muffins there too.”

The cheerful bell on the front door jingled again while Dry Roast was picking out just the exact pastry that Applejack wanted and by the time he had his head above the counter, Rarity was positioned right behind her friend, stifling a yawn with one hoof and sporting a rat’s nest of curls. She had obviously fallen asleep while in the passionate throes of the Muse of Fashion again, which was the only time she showed up this early in the morning while all the rest of the town slumbered. When the sun was up, Dry Roast had never seen her with more than a single hair out of place.

He finished collecting the bits from his first customer, who hung around while her friend put in an order for a half-sweet white mocha frappuccino, and Applejack commented while Rarity was producing the bits.

“Sugarcube, you look half-starved. Don't tell me you ain’t had nuttin’ to eat since yesterday.”

Rarity yawned and started counting her bits a second time. “Darling, remember the Canterlot Spring Flower Festival is coming up this weekend? All six of us will be making an appearance. I have to get down to my proper weight in order to fit into the dress I made.” She yawned again while counting the bits a third time, then just dumped the entire pile of bits on the counter. “I don’t know how Twilight manages to do it. Her measurements have not changed a hair since she became a princess, and her eating habits are atrocious.”

“Here you go, ma’am.” Dry Roast unconsciously licked his lips while floating the foam cup over to the counter, then picked up the offered bits. He was tucking them away in the cash register when he became aware of Rarity’s intense scrutiny of the filled cup. “Is something the matter, ma’am?”

“Actually… yes.” Turning to Applejack, Rarity asked, “Darling, do you remember a few days ago when we were having lunch with our dear friend Twilight in the castle?”

“Ah’m not sure if you can call that lunch, Rarity.” Applejack took a drink of coffee and nudged the muffin she had purchased a little closer to her friend. “Ah think that was a little more like bait. You snuck in a measuring session for my dress.”

Rarity waved dismissively. “A minor detail. The important part of the conversation was when you were talking with Twilight about all of the places around town she had not visited, despite having been here for several years.”

Applejack nodded. “Ah remember she didn’t even know nothing about—” she paused and looked quizzically at Dry Roast “—here.”

“Even before they moved to the castle, Spike kept a pot of coffee brewing all day,” said Rarity, “but I can distinctly remember several of these foam cups in her castle kitchen recycling when we were talking.”

“Yeah, you asked about it,” said Applejack. “She claimed she didn’t know nuttin about it, though.”

“Interesting.” Rarity moved closer to the counter and leaned forward, which was a little disturbing, but not nearly as much as the sudden squeal of glee she let out and the abrupt smile which followed. Her horn lit up and a light magical touch brushed across Dry Roast’s face before he could react, but by then it was too late.

“Applejack, do you see this?” Something hovered in Rarity’s magic between the two mares, a very small and nearly impossible to see object that even Applejack seemed to be having trouble discerning. “It’s a hair, exactly the same shade as Twilight’s and far too short to be anything but a facial hair.”

“How in the heck would one of her hairs get on Dry’s face, though?” asked Applejack with a thoughtful look indicating the question was somewhat less rhetorical than it first appeared.

“Oh, no, nono!” gasped Rarity as Dry Roast began to open his mouth to defend himself. “Don’t say anything, Mister Roast. We’ve gone too far already. Whatever you and our friend are doing at night is no business of ours. Come along, Applejack. I said come on!” she insisted while walking to the door, practically towing the hefty farm pony along behind her and leaving the forlorn apple muffin untouched on the counter.

Dry Roast sighed while watching the two customers head toward the marketplace in the glow of the dawn, chatting vigorously between themselves. This could not end well.

Author's Note

Some notes from the editors:
Tek, on the coffee shop being so close to the Everfree -
Lyra: They're real I tell you
Bon Bon: Lyra no matter how many odd prints in the mud you show me I refuse to believe in your make believe humans, I mean really whats next an electric mouse?

9. Shut Up And Pour

Her Royal Morning Coffee
Shut Up And Pour

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

The train trip seemed to Dry Roast to be less than a date, but perhaps a persimmon, or maybe a lemon. He had not even gotten to get a good look at Rainbow Dash’s outfit for the Canterlot Spring Flower Festival before being stuffed into his own suit, hustled into the train, and assigned a seat by Rarity. Said rump plunking spot seemed to be suspiciously close to Princess Twilight Sparkle and away from both his supposed date and any nearby doors he could flee out of, but Dry Roast screwed up his courage, tried not to be embarrassed at just bringing coffee for himself, and persevered.

Despite Rarity sprinkling little bits of monologue through their conversation that showed more research into his background than he was comfortable with.

“How interesting,” said Rarity. “I had no idea you were working on an advanced degree in Alchemy at the Maresachusetts Institute of Technological Magic. Whatever made you abandon your thirst for knowledge and move to Ponyville?”

“The school and I came to a mutual understanding,” admitted Dry Roast.

“Huh.” Rainbow Dash scratched the back of her mane with one wing. “Same thing happened to me with weather school. What did you blow up?”

“Um…” Dry Roast did not want to admit it, but the fact was probably already in Rarity’s little list she was hiding behind one hoof. “It’s not so much what we blew up. It’s more what we blew down. You know how you’re not supposed to flush certain chemicals like catalysts down the sink in a lab?”

Rainbow Dash nodded. “Yeah, because they corrode the bottoms out of the clouds and drip all over whatever Cloudsdale is over at the time.”

“Or they mix.” Dry Roast paused. “Do I have to go any further?”

“No,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Yes,” said Rarity.

Twilight Sparkle said nothing, but just remained where she was while stewing in a sullen silence.

“Anyway,” continued Dry, “the north wing of the Advanced Alchemy building doesn’t really line up with the south wing any more. But they got to put in an extra basement at almost no charge.”

Spike abruptly spoke up. “Hey, Twilight did that once with—”

“Spike!” admonished Twilight Sparkle.

“Sorry.” He waited a moment until Twilight returned to her intense glower at the floor of the train before miming a little explosion with his claws, with a wriggling of his fingers that most probably indicated flames.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

Some time later when the interrogation/conversation had thinned out enough for Dry to get up and stretch his legs, Spike called him over to a place in the car where their voices would not be overheard. He glanced around and lowered his voice anyway, and seemed to be genuinely concerned about something or somepony in particular.

“You’ve got that look,” said Spike rather cryptically.

“What look?”

“That look that every stallion who ever dates one of the girls gets.”

“There have been others?” Dry Roast paused at Spike’s smug expression. “Did any of them survive?”

Spike chuckled into one fist. “Nopony has died yet.” He thought for a moment. “Although the stallion who tried to date Applejack caught a bad case of country fever, and the one dating Pinkie did spend a few weeks in an institution.”

“Mental?”

“No, a baking school. He’s in Las Pegasus right now, making Air Eclairs.”

It seemed only rational to Dry Roast. “Sweet to eat and low in calories, I’ll bet.”

“Yeah, but that’s not the point. You like Twilight, right?”

After a quick glance to make sure the alicorn in question was not lurking behind him, Dry Roast waved a hoof. “What’s not to like? All of the mares of the Elements of Harmony, the most famous group of ponies in like ever, are likable. Except for Rarity,” he added. “As beautiful as she is, I understand she’s taken.”

“Darned right,” muttered Spike. He coughed and raised his voice. “So are you really interested in Rainbow Dash?”

“Not really,” admitted Dry Roast with a shrug. “She’s cute and a real fireball at the gym. Throws me around like a sack of beans on the mat. But there’s nothing really in common between us. She just invited me to this flower festival thing—”

“Canterlot Spring Flower Festival,” corrected Spike. “Mostly tulips and important ponies standing around with tiny little drinks.”

“Yeah. She did it just to see Twilight and me kiss.”

“So why didn’t you say no?” asked Spike with the innocent sincerity of the very young.

There was a long, open-mouthed pause before Dry Roast cautiously put forward, “It would have been rude?”

“Yeah, speaking of rude,” grumbled Spike. “Can I get you to talk to Lyra? She says Luna said since Twilight was sleepwalking when the kiss started, the pool is still open.”

“And it can stay open,” said Dry. “I’m here as a friend and casual date for Rainbow Dash, that’s all.”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

“So, I heard you’ve been seeing my sister.”

Shining Armor looked oddly normal for a Prince of the Crystal Empire and former Captain of the Royal Guard for Canterlot. He was not sharpening a sword, or leading a squad of soldiers against an enemy of Equestria (of which Dry was fairly certain a barista in Ponyville qualified as). Instead, he was carrying a drink with a little tulip-shaped umbrella in it, much the same as all the rest of the ponies in the decorated ballroom, including decorated elderly veterans and well-dressed young socialites.

Not that Dry Roast wanted to see any violence mar the festivities of the Canterlot Spring Flower Festival, particularly any directed at him. It was just oddly peaceful compared to the mental picture Dry had of his first meeting with Twilight Sparkle’s big brother. Putting it down to a reluctance on Shining Armor’s part to commit murder with this many witnesses, Dry tried not to knock back the rest of his drink and instead gave a weak smile.

“It is a little difficult to miss Ponyville’s resident princess.”

“That’s not quite what I meant.” Shining Armor took another drink without looking at Dry, which after a moment’s contemplation, made him just about the only pony in the large reception hall who was not keeping an eye on the two of them, perhaps in the hopes of seeing something more exciting and bloody than their present activities. They were doomed to disappointment if Dry had anything to say about it. And he did.

“That’s as much as I’m going to admit to you,” said Dry, which was what he had been thinking, but not what he was intending on saying. “I’m actually here as Rainbow Dash’s date,” he added quickly, hoping to open some metaphorical space between him and Her Highness, Princess of Pre-Dawn Pecking.

“So the two of you are just friends?” asked Shining Armor. “Officially.”

“I wouldn’t even go that far,” admitted Dry. He hesitated for a moment, then decided to put everything on one roll of the dice since Shining Armor was Twilight’s brother, and Dry Roast’s own brothers had enough blackmail material on him for a lifetime. “She’s been sleepwalking into my coffee shop before dawn for well over a year, almost two now. I don’t think she’s seen me while awake until just this week.”

Don’t mention the kissing, don’t mention the kissing…

For one moment, Shining Armor just stood there. Then small hints of a smile broke out on his face, along with a suspicious tremble down his ribs much as if he were suppressing a belly laugh. “You don’t say,” he eventually managed.

“Family trait?” asked Dry.

“Oh, no.” Shining Armor made a warding motion with one hoof as if he were attempting not to get something smelly or sticky on his good jacket. “No, no, no. This is all Twiley. Dad found her once down in the kitchen, eating the next day’s coffee grounds out of the percolator. She still claims Dad is making it up because he didn’t get a picture.”

Dry thought about that for a moment, then asked the question that seemed to logically follow, given Twilight Sparkle’s genetic tendencies. “So what happened the next time when he remembered the camera?”

“Denial. Claims of photo editing. Pranks. Shapechanging space aliens, although that seemed a lot more funny at the time,” said Shining Armor. “Twenty page papers detailing the impossibility of the photograph details, including circles around misplaced shadows and lines showing where the negatives were spliced together. I thought it would go away after she became Princess Celestia’s student. We didn’t hear anything about her sleepwalking, other than one really odd report from Joe’s Donuts and a few guards who regularly saw her staggering down to the Night Kitchen.”

Shining Armor shook his head with a cascade of softly flowing mane that gave Dry a suspicious twinge of envy about his own short and tangled mane, which even Rainbow Dash’s conditioner struggled to keep controlled. “Night Guard coffee is only one step up from sludge. It doesn’t really so much dissolve sugar cubes as melts them into submission. And don’t leave a spoon in it overnight or all you’ll wind up with is a stub.”

“Sounds like the faculty lounge in the Maresachusetts Institute of Technological Magic.” Now it was Dry’s turn to shake his head. “I thought my faculty advisor was holding me back in grad school just to keep me trapped making him coffee. I wound up having to charge him out the flank to keep the other professors from joining in. That’s why when I was… asked to leave the institution, I decided to take the first opportunity I could find in the newspapers. My parents cosigned for my coffee shop loan and I was in business within a month. It was the only job I knew for certain I was good at.”

“So why Ponyville?” asked Shining Armor. His drink was empty, but he seemed to be honestly interested in what Dry was saying, which was an improvement over the way Dry had expected the conversation to go, and involved less ‘being pounded.’

Dry Roast shrugged. “It was cheap. Something about a giant space-bear tromping through the center of town. The previous owner sold Java Le Choza to me for a song. Well, not literally,” he added, thinking of the time he had used that phrase on Pinkie Pie.

“Java Le Choza?” Shining Armor gained a particular quirk to his lips and another set of subdued twitches to his barrel. “You actually named it that?”

“What?” Dry frowned and thought back to his Old Equish. “The Java Hut. It was named that way when I bought it from Old Bean Knobby, and I kept the name to keep the townsponies comfortable, even though I updated it with a franchise from Starbuckers. Some of the equipment he had was coal-powered. I’ll bet Luna would have been able to operate it, but I prefer my equipment to have been made in the last century or so.”

Shining Armor’s cheeks were nearly concave and his lips were drawn into a straight line by the time Dry Roast had finished speaking, although a few small snorts of humor leaked out through his nose.

At least I’m entertaining.

Then the most peculiar thing happened. Shining Armor abruptly stopped laughing, paused for just a second, and shot a look in the direction of the Princess of the Night, who was most of the way across the room. Dry Roast followed his eyes, and caught Luna looking back while running just the tip of her dark tongue across her lips, much as if she had spotted a delicious piece of chocolate on the buffet. It was only for a moment, then she turned back to her conversation with Shining Armor’s expectant spouse, Her Royal Pregnant Pinkness, and exchanged a few whispered words.

Then a second peculiar thing happened. Princess Cadence looked straight at Dry Roast with an expression of absolute glee, passed the same look on to the unsuspecting Twilight Sparkle, who happened to be facing a different direction at the moment, then moved closer to Luna to continue their previous conversation in much quieter whispers.

“That’s odd,” said Dry once Shining Armor had turned to look in his direction again. “Any idea what that was all about?”

“No,” said Shining Armor, although with a pensive, thoughtful expression, much like Dry Roast’s own brothers used when they were hiding something.

“Huh.” Dry Roast finished off the last of his drink. “Oh, well. I’ll ask her about it tomorrow morning at work.”

“Work?” echoed Shining Armor.

“I’m surprised you haven’t heard,” said Dry. “Princess Luna has been working at my coffee shop in the early mornings. I think she’s using it as a way to meet the locals and get familiarized with modern life.”

Dry Roast had not really wanted to spread the news around, and in hindsight it sounded a little as if Dry was trying to hide behind her wings to avoid some well-deserved thumping in a juvenile way of “If you hit me, I’m telling Mom!”

“Oh.” Shining Armor nipped the tulip out of his empty drink and chewed it thoughtfully, then gave Dry Roast the most peculiar top-to-bottom look as if he were evaluating him for a Royal Guard application. “Has Princess Luna ever…”

After waiting an excessive amount of time for Shining Armor to continue, Dry Roast decided to pick up the conversational thread. “She’s been the perfect princess at work, other than taking a little too much joy in my embarrassment whenever your sister drops by. I think she just gets a little lonely at the castle in the early hours of the morning and is looking for a little companionship.”

Shining Armor gave a noncommittal grunt which would have made Dry a little less nervous if he did not also look as smug as somepony with a vastly amusing little tidbit of information that he was just dying to share. Instead, the prince made a brief excuse before nodding, then slipped away into the crowd, leaving Dry stranded in the middle of the social event.

It did give him a few minutes before the next group of well-dressed ponies wandered in his direction, and Dry used that time to check on where his date had flown off to, as well as the location of the rest of the Elements of Harmony. They were all ‘socialing’ as much as expected, although Princess Twilight Sparkle seemed to be having a miserable time, despite having obviously been primped and prepared by her friends for this occasion. Little bits of her mane kept popping up at random, and she just… twitched whenever anypony talked to her.

She did calm down somewhat as the day went on and the group went through the Flower Festival festivities, although with his position beside Rainbow Dash and Rarity’s extravagant gowns, Dry felt a little like a burlap sack full of raw beans next to a dozen elaborate paper sacks of gourmet coffee. Thankfully, the Canterlot social scene had not yet ‘twigged’ to the rumors about Twilight Sparkle and her mystery suitor.

Un-thankfully, Dry had never really considered the backlash of showing up as the ‘Plus-One’ to Rainbow Dash, the famous, flamboyant, rainbow-colored pegasus. The worst reaction from his fellow flower festival folk turned out to be from a certain fantasy following among other pegasi of both genders who had their own idea about who should properly occupy his position. Tails were ‘accidentally’ flipped into his face more times than he would care to count, and he began to recognize a particular sneer and cutting tone of voice accompanying the most jealous ponies. On the flip side, there were a surprising number of ponies who honestly seemed overjoyed that Rainbow Dash had ‘touched ground’ with a male pony and took great friendly glee in rubbing her nose in previous statements about ‘flying solo’ and ‘not dating anypony unless they were as awesome as herself.’

Dry Roast had never thought of himself as awesome in any fashion. Well, other than the trail of destruction he left behind whenever experimenting with any reagents more volatile than coffee beans. The festival was awesome, though. It was really a unique sensation to sample the various delicious spring flower petals alongside Equestria’s heroes and actually get to officially meet three other Princesses of Equestria, even though Luna was considerably quieter and more subdued in her mountain home, and Celestia barely acknowledged his existence with a glance while talking to several other ponies. Thankfully.

The whole trip blurred together until they were traveling back to the train station, and then on the way back to Ponyville in the afternoon. Dry, of course, took a detour into the dining car, then wandered back into the car where the six mares were happily chatting afterward. Well, five of the mares were chatting while Twilight sat brooding to one side with her eyes closed in somewhat of a sullen slump as if she were trying to take a nap, without even a book in front of her.

“Hey, Lovercolt,” teased Rainbow Dash. “You’re not sneaking off with some other mare, are you?”

“Just the lady who was guarding the train’s coffee machine,” said Dry, floating a number of steaming cups out from behind him in his magic. “Hot cocoa with onyx sprinkles for Spike.”

“Thank you, sir.” Spike took the foam cup and drank deeply despite the bubbles of steam still coming up from the bottom. “Still boiling, just like I like it.”

“And a cup of marshmallows with some cocoa in it for Pinkie Pie,” said Dry while floating another cup over. “White chocolate frappuccino for the beautiful Rarity, plain coffee with just a few drops of cider for Applejack,” he continued.

“Just right,” said Applejack after a long, appreciative sniff.

“Double-sorghum syrup for Rainbow, oh, and give this to Twilight for me, please,” said Dry after pulling out two coffees and floating them over to the pegasus. “And a hot carrot juice with two straws for Angel and Fluttershy,” he finished.

“What did you get?” asked Rainbow Dash while hoofing the coffee over to the snoozing Twilight, who accepted her coffee out of reflex and took a deep sniff, with her eyes remaining closed and a low moan of appreciation.

Then the reaction that Dry was expecting happened. Twilight Sparkle made a lighting-like grab that captured an unsuspecting Rainbow Dash behind the neck. Lips first, she leaned forward and promptly planted a princess-powered pucker right on Rainbow’s unprepared mouth complete with a sudden ‘Urk!’ of surprise from both the kiss-ee and the kiss-er when Twilight opened her eyes.

“Itdidn’thappen!” squeaked Twilight as she recoiled backwards almost out the window of the train.

“Itsuredid!” replied Rainbow, who had almost made the exact same distance in her backwards leap to the other side of the train car.

Dry Roast checked his watch. “Are we still in your section of the pool, Spike?”

He looked up to see Spike making a frantic negating motion with both hands.

“Pool?” Princess Twilight Sparkle turned slowly in his direction, her horn lowering to point directly between Dry Roast’s eyes. “What pool?”

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

Confession was good for the soul, and it kept Dry Roast’s hide fairly intact too. If he had to be put in the doghouse for spilling the beans about the kissing pool, at least he had Pinkie Pie in there with him to use as cover, and Rainbow Dash from ‘guilt by association.’ It actually turned out to be more funny than humiliating, because Pinkie Pie would mirror Twilight’s lecture on responsibility behind her back with identical posturing and facial contortions until one of her friends would burst out laughing and Twilight would spin around to see what was so funny, only to have Rainbow duplicate her gestures on the other side.

After the third time, Twilight put Spike in their little lecture group too, even though he was innocent.

By the time the train pulled into the Ponyville station, they were all in the proverbial doghouse, including one of the train conductors who happened to be making his rounds at the wrong time.

“That was fun!” declared Rainbow Dash once the prisoners had been marched out onto the Ponyville train station platform and the conductor managed to slip back onto the train. “We should do that again sometime. You’re actually not such a bad date, Dry.”

“You know,” started Applejack with a speculative rubbing of her chin, “Pinkie and I’ve got this here conference on machinery coming up next week in Coltana Falls. Since Big Mac is holding down the farm while I’m gone, and ah don’t think taking Apple Bloom along would be very beneficial to our insurance rates, it wouldn’t be too bad if’n Pinkie and I had someone along with us who knows their widgets.”

“The Cakes were looking for a new oven,” said Pinkie Pie as she bounced along. “Since I accidently used the last one to make a huuuuumungous cake that might have squished all through the innards of the old one and left everything that it bakes smelling a little like burnt coconut, which isn’t bad if you’re cooking something with coconut, but everypony is getting a little tired of the taste of coconut in everything we bake.”

“Are you sure—” Dry Roast looked up overhead where Rainbow Dash was gliding along, only to have the speedy pegasus wave a dismissive hoof at him.

“Don’t sweat it. I’d be more than happy to loan Dry out to you two. Somepony’s gotta keep you girls out of trouble, after all.”

“Then I suppose I can,” said Dry Roast, rubbing his chin briefly like Applejack. “I’ve had enough issues with the bean grinder at the shop that checking out what the industry is up to wouldn’t be such a bad idea.”

“And I have a fashion show in Manehattan in two weeks,” said Rarity with a distant gleam in her eye. “Spike is busy and it has been so difficult to find a proper gentlecolt for an escort, preferably one who would not gossip about any indiscretions they might possibly discover during the event that I had considered simply going solo. Would you consider an overnight trip to the fashion center of Equestria, Mister Roast?”

“Err…” Dry looked up at Rainbow Dash, then over at the two earth ponies, then back over to Rarity. “I feel like a time-share. Not that I wouldn’t be proud to be seen with you, Miss Rarity, but don’t you think having me show up with so many of the Elements of Harmony at social functions could be considered…”

“Outré?” Rarity fluttered her eyelashes at him. “Why, whatever could you mean, Mister Roast? Oh, wait! Wait!” She turned to Spike and used her magic to gently remove the suit jacket he had been wearing, folding it carefully and placing it on her back. With a beaming smile, she addressed the little dragon and said, “Spikie, I know it’s been a long day, and I need to get all of the girls’ outfits properly put away for when they’re needed again. Could you run along to the castle and get Twilight’s bath all set up for her and get a small meal prepared so when she’s done at the boutique, she can just go back to the castle and go to bed? It would mean so much.”

“It would?” Spike’s smile grew radiant. “You bet, Rarity!” He took off just as fast as his little feet would carry him, vanishing into the distance with nothing left behind but a puff of dust.

“That was both thoughtful and creepy at the same time,” mused Dry Roast while watching the little dragon go.

“I’m with him,” grumbled Twilight, turning in the direction of her distant castle.

“No! Twilight, wait!” said Rarity, scurrying over to put a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder only to recoil at the obvious dustprint it would leave on the delicate fabric. “That gown is nearly all chiffon! It needs to be cared for, eased off the shoulders, and cleaned with only the most delicate of touches or it will wrinkle up into a giant ball of snags, like the last gown I made for you.”

Princess Twilight Sparkle froze. “It wasn’t that bad.”

Rarity tapped one hoof. The rest of her friends wisely remained silent. So did Dry. He could take a hint.

“It only snagged a little,” protested Twilight. “Around the hems. And the wings. Most of the damage came from when I washed it. You didn’t say anything about not letting Spike dry it.”

Rarity did not say a word. Her expression was doing all of the speaking for her.

“Arightifyouinsist,” muttered Twilight, turning toward the nearby boutique.

“So glad you can listen to reason,” said Rarity with only the slightest hint of the vindication she surely must have been feeling. “Perhaps we can even sit around the kitchen table and have a few drinks. Fancypants sent a most tempting bottle of pink champagne, and your brother included several small bottles of crystal berry white whine. If you put your ear up to the bottle, you can even hear it.”

Rarity produced a small white bottle with frost on it and held it up in the middle of the group while they walked. As she said, it was emitting a high-pitched noise much like a child being denied sweets, only softer.

“Sure as shooting does look like you need to let your mane down a little, sugarcube,” said Applejack. “Just one little drink with your friends’ll help with that.”

“And that’s my cue to run,” said Dry Roast. “It’s never just one little drink, and I really don’t want to find out—”

“Finish that sentence,” growled Twilight with her head down and a faint ominous glimmer around the base of her horn. “Go ahead.”

“You may return home once I have properly extracted you out of your suit, Mister Roast,” said Rarity, over the sudden snorting chuckles out of Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash. “The rest of us will carry on without you, but sometime later, Twilight, we really all need to sit down and discuss things between you and Mister Roast.”

“What things?” protested Dry Roast. “How about… the day after never?”

“I don’t care,” snapped Twilight Sparkle. “All I want is for all of us to go over to Rarity’s and get these clothes off so we can all go to bed!”

There was an intense silence in their vicinity, and when Dry Roast looked up, he could see at least a dozen ponies who were all looking in their direction. Every one of them seemed to have heard Twilight’s outburst, and about half seemed willing to inquire directly as to the details.

~ ~ ☕ ~ ~

After a brief visit to the Carousel Boutique just barely long enough to be stripped of his suit and escape back out the door, Dry Roast pointed his nose to home and let out a yawn. Morning was going to come around awfully early, and whenever he had one of his employees open and close the store, the next day was always trouble with things needing to be put back where they belonged and little details which should have been taken care of before blossoming out of control.

Conservatively, it would take him five days to clean up the store after a day’s absence. If he ever took off a month, Dry expected to find nothing but a smoking crater when he returned. Literally, if Ponyville was half as bad as its history had demonstrated.

He did take a quick pass by the coffee shop just in case, and was somewhat relieved to find it still intact.

His little brother Rain Check was home early from work, and greeted his big brother the moment he walked in the door with a hearty back-slap and associated leer, which only grew once Dry’s upcoming schedule was revealed. It was probably a little bit of little brother/big brother payback from when they were smaller, and the difference of two years much more pronounced. He took the ribbing about becoming a paid male escort for the Elements of Harmony in stride, as it seemed to be a much more survivable job than Royal Smoocher for the Princess of Slumber, which ever one of the two that was. After an hour out on the sun-warmed balcony while reading to calm himself down, Dry Roast settled down in his own bed, closed the curtains, and closed his eyes.

Then he got back up, locked his bedroom door, latched the windows, and returned to the bed with slightly more reassurance about being in the same place when he woke up the next morning.

Author's Note

Notes on Night Guard coffee
Tek: comment that Luna made the Nocturne so that ponies could survive the coffee? :)
Me: keeps the fangs dissolved down