"I suppose you all are wondering why I've called you here today." Standing regally upon her dais, Princess Celestia stared severely down at the six ponies gathered near the foot of her throne.
"Well, I know I am," Rainbow Dash grunted. "It's April Fools' Day and I want to get back to my pranking! It's already one in the afternoon!" Next to her, Pinkie Pie nodded sympathetically.
Applejack and Rarity shot their pegasus friend a look of mortification. "Rainbow, that ain't how ya speak t' a princess!" Applejack hissed, giving her a light cuff on the shoulder.
Celestia held up a hoof without even looking at Applejack, instantly silencing her. "No matter. You two will have quite enough time for pranking after you are done here, I assure you. Now let us move on." The ponies bent their heads contritely, awaiting her words. "I have summoned you here today..." she paused for dramatic effect. "... to take a test."
Dash sucked in her lips and let out a huffy sigh. "So we came all the way out to Canterlot, and gave up hours of prime pranking time, to take a test. A test that I probably don't give a flying feather about." Looking annoyed, she turned and draped her hooves and wings over Applejack's back as if she owned it, pouting grumpily. Applejack seemed torn between shaking her off and letting her stay, and eventually chose the latter, a tiny smile on her face.
"Wow. You're crabbier than a crab this morning!" Pinkie Pie commented cheerfully. "I'm crabby too! See? Grrrrrr!!!" She widened her eyes and bared her teeth.
"A test?" Twilight Sparkle whimpered, completely ignoring her friends' antics, her eyes protuberant with fear. "But... but... WHAT?!" Her screech rang through Celestia's entrance hall, causing her friends to cringe and hastily step away from her. Pinkie Pie cheerfully stuffed cotton balls (which she had procured, apparently, from her mane) into her ears in case Twilight screamed again - which was slightly hypocritical, considering Pinkie's own volume control. Or lack of it. "I haven't taken notes, I haven't studied, what test even is this?! How can I take a test without studying? How can I take a test without -"
"Relax, my faithful student! Relax!" Although she had been trying to appear stern and composed, Celestia couldn't resist quirking her lips in a small smile. Twilight was quite entertaining to watch when she was flustered. "It's not the kind of test that you have to study for."
"There is no such thing as a test you don't have to study for," Twilight wheezed, clearly on the verge of hyperventilating. Rarity, looking resplendent in a voguish, large-brimmed hat with a rose tucked into its brim, trotted forwards and gave the young alicorn a soothing pat, trying to prevent her from bursting into tears. She almost succeeded, too.
"There is, I assure you," Celestia replied, forcing herself to stop smiling and arranging her face into a solemn, dignified countenance as Twilight bawled into the handkerchief that Rarity had so kindly provided. "My dear Twilight, there is no need to cry. This is not an academic test - I fear you passed all the ones that I had to offer when you were a foal. This is a friendship test."
Twilight's weeping halted abruptly. "A what?"
"You heard me. A friendship test." Sweeping her gaze over the six ponies staring at her dumbly, Celestia began to pace the length of her dais, filling the dead silence that had suddenly curtained the room with the gentle thud of her gold-plated hooves. Her multicolored pastel mane rippled behind her as she walked. "You see, my little ponies, I have been thinking recently. You six have been doing a fabulous job keeping Equestria free from friendship troubles, channeling your Elements of Harmony and undertaking friendship missions when need be."
Applejack stuck out her chest and crossed her hooves, wearing a complacent smile. "Sure thang, Princess. Ain't no goshdarn friendship problem can keep us stumped!"
"But..." The alicorn swung around and glared at her, "How can I be sure that you six are the best ponies for the job?" She swiveled her head and narrowed her eyes at Fluttershy. "Hmm? How can I?"
"O - oh, um, I d-don't know..." Fluttershy wrapped her wings around her face, trying to avoid the Princess's unflinching gaze, and ducked under Rarity's stomach. "Hide me..."
"Now hold on a pony-pickin' minute here!" Applejack stepped forwards, her grass-green eyes alight with fury. "We only jus' saved Equestria a million dang times! From Nightmare Moon and Discord an' parasprites an' who knows what else! If that don' make us qualified, Ah don' know what does!"
"Technically, I saved us from the parasprites," Pinkie Pie pointed out, blinking innocently. "Because you guys were being bad friends and not listening to me."
Celestia raised an eyebrow. "Case in point."
Rarity groaned and facehoofed. "Pinkie, when we return to Ponyville I really must introduce you to a little something called 'tact'."
"Yeah, not helping, Pinkie," Rainbow growled, flapping into the air and circling around Celestia's head in order to stretch her wings. Applejack looked mildly disappointed that she had left her back, but also a little relieved - Rainbow was surprisingly heavy for a pegasus. "Look, Princess, we have some totally awesome 'saving Equestria' skills, okay? And we're all best friends. What more do you need?"
"Nothing at all, really," Celestia answered sweetly. "Except confirmation that what you say is true. As Princess of Equestria, it is my business to ensure that my country is being protected by the most capable ponies for the job. I'm certain that you are one of these ponies, Rainbow Dash. In fact, I believe that all of you are. But for you to be effective protectors, you must also be the very best of friends. After all, Twilight, you are the Princess of Friendship, are you not? And you five are her very closest friends. It stands to reason that you must know everything about each other. This is why I have prepared a test for you all - a test to see how well you know each other. If you pass with full marks - and I am confident that all of you will - then I will be convinced to put my fears to rest, and I and the rest of Equestria will know once and for all that you are the only ponies capable of safeguarding friendship throughout the land."
"That's fine and all, but why did you have to test us today?" Dash complained. "I had plans!" Fluttershy mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like 'napping, pranking, and eating'. Fortunately, Rainbow didn't hear her.
"I'm the Princess. I can do whatever I want."
"Oh, yeah. Forgot." Grinning sheepishly, the sky-blue pegasus swung around to face the rest of her friends. "Well, I guess what she says sounds reasonable. Besides, there's absolutely no way we could fail this test. We're far too close to each other for that!" Her tone was notably less grumpy. Clearly, the 'I'm certain that you are one of these ponies' had helped soothe her - as Celestia had intended.
The rest of the ponies were quick to agree, even Applejack, who had initially been so furious. Only Twilight was hesitant. "Are you certain that there won't be any calculus on this test? I need some time to brush up on my integrals..."
"I promise," Celestia assured her, inwardly rolling her eyes. "I Pinkie Promise, in fact."
"I'M HOLDING YOU TO THAT!" Pinkie shrieked. Nopony even blinked an eye. They were far too used to such outbursts from her.
"I must confess I'm a little worried." Rarity glanced uneasily around the room. "Perhaps there won't be any calculus, but what if there are other things on the test we don't know the answer to? After all, we surely don't know everything there is to know about each other."
Applejack reached over and gave her a friendly noogie. "Aww, cheer up, Rares! We're gonna be fine! We've all been best buds fer ages now."
"Yes, and you still haven't learned to not. Touch. The. Hair," Rarity growled, smoothing her coiffed mane back into place.
"I'll get revenge for you," Dash cackled. She swooped out of the sky, wrapped Applejack in a headlock, and began mussing her mane as violently as possible. Applejack roared with mock fury and tackled her to the ground, her eyes shining with fun.
"Ahem." Celestia cleared her throat. "I have a very busy schedule..."
Neither of them took the hint, so Twilight took it for them. "Alright, you two, you can fight when we get back to Ponyville. I'm sure Princess Celestia wants us to take this test as soon as possible so that she can grade it and get back to her royal duties."
Applejack and Rainbow Dash quickly disentangled themselves and stood to attention. "Right. Sorry," Rainbow apologized. "We're listening. Mostly."
The Princess smiled upon them graciously. "Thank you. Now, please listen closely. You will have half an hour to complete this test. The questions are not the same for each of you, but I ask that you do not consult with one another during the exam. Your test papers and pencils await you over there - please do not turn over the tests until I instruct you to do so." She waved her hoof in the direction of six armchairs and tables arranged in a circle on the right side of her dais. Twilight and the rest of the mares trotted over to the circle of furniture, picked up their tests and pencils, and sat down (well, Pinkie sort of bounced down, but same difference). "I will remain here. I will alert you when half an hour has passed, and you may bring your papers to me for grading."
Rarity had started using her pencil as a mane curler, wrapping her curls around it and then sliding it out in order to make them tighter. Pinkie Pie was eating a cupcake (nopony would have been surprised to discover that she had baked it from thin air). Applejack was gripping her pencil in her mouth and listening to Celestia, her ears pricked and her upright posture brimming with confidence. Twilight was already hunched over the back page of her test in a rather businesslike fashion, jotting down extremely important information such as her name, today's date, and the exact time of her birth to the second. Rainbow Dash was just bored. And also curious. "I know Princess Celestia's, like, the most powerful alicorn in Equestria, but can she mind read? Isn't anypony gonna question how she'll know all the answers to a bunch of questions about us when she doesn't actually know us that well?" Rainbow hissed out of the corner of her mouth, as unobtrusively as possible. Fluttershy hastily shook her head 'no', terrified by the very thought of asking the Princess of Equestria such an impertinent question.
"I wish you all the best of luck, though I am confident that you won't need it. You may start whenever you are ready," Celestia finished, her eyes twinkling.
Everypony simultaneously drew in a deep breath, flipped over their test papers, and began, confident of success. There was no way that they were going to fail this test.
***
Twilight could barely suppress a smile of glee as she stared at the first page of her test, covered with Celestia's graceful, scrawling script. These questions were easy. Maybe there was such a thing as a test that you didn't have to study for.
The first five questions were multiple choice. Twilight logicked, eliminated, and circled her way through them in under a minute. Feeling immensely satisfied, she flipped the test over, her pencil floating in the air directly in front of her horn. Her smile faded somewhat as she realized that the rest of the questions were free response.
Oh, well. Twilight was, figuratively, the Princess of Test-Taking as well as Friendship. She'd be fine.
Question #6: What was Rainbow Dash's first word?
"Hmmm," Twilight murmured to herself. "That's a toughie." Rainbow Dash didn't talk about her childhood that much, so, for once, this was a question that Twilight didn't know the answer to.
Well, when you don't know the answer, use math! Math can always help. At least, in Twilight's experience. Pursing her lips, she lowered her pencil to the page, hunched over the table on which the test lay, and launched into a rather complicated probability equation that eventually led her to conclude that the only three potential answer choices were 'awesome', 'cool', and 'best'... which, in hindsight, she probably could have guessed from the very beginning without doing all of the extra math (although, undeniably, she'd enjoyed the chance to work her brain).
Twilight unconsciously began to nibble on her pencil as her eyes flicked back and forth between the three answer choices. They all seemed equally likely - she could no longer resort to calculations. She would have to guess - a word that was the bane of her existence. As a pony who prided herself on her knowledge and her general habit of always being right, there could be no fate worse than having to guess on a test.
Twilight's eyes settled on a clock carved out of diamond above Celestia's throne, and she gasped. Her expert calculations had occupied an entire five minutes and ten seconds! Holy Luna, she was slipping! She'd been able to complete such calculations in four minutes and thirty-two seconds, last time she'd checked.
... Also, she was running out of time. The test would end in less than twenty-five minutes, and there were plenty of questions left. Biting her lip, Twilight forced herself to focus. She could at least make an educated guess. She remembered Rainbow saying 'awesome' at least two hundred and forty-three times, 'cool' one hundred and ninety-eight times, and 'best' one hundred and fifty-one times (did Twilight have hyperthymesia? Probably). 'Awesome' seemed like the most likely choice. Twilight pencilled it beneath the question in her trademark neat script and moved on. Hopefully, the next question would be easier.
Question #7: When Rarity was five, what dish did she try to cook for Mother's Day that caused her to almost burn down her house?
No. Not easier. Definitely not easier.
Twilight groaned and banged her head on the table, allowing her mane to flop over her eyes. All she could see right now was a big fat fail grade. "Oh, ponyfeathers."
***
Rarity was faring better than Twilight, but only just. She was finding her questions to be awfully strange.
Question #8: Who is the most generous of your friends?
Rarity was very tempted to write her own name but wasn't sure if Celestia would dock points for immodesty. After some careful thought, she decided on Applejack and moved on.
Question #9: In your experience, if Applejack and Rainbow Dash had to fight over the last barrel of cider, who would win?
Rarity furrowed her brow. What an odd question. She glanced over at the dais, where Princess Celestia was watching the small group of test-takers with a placid smile. She couldn't help but wonder exactly how sane the Princess had been when she'd written these questions.
After a few seconds, the unicorn forced herself to un-crease her brow and tackle the question (she was far too young to have frown lines on her forehead, after all). She reread the query and smiled as an answer presented itself to her. Perhaps this wouldn't be so difficult after all.
~~Rainbow Dash~~
~~Applejack~~
~~Rainbow Dash~~
Both?
Five minutes later, this was all that Rarity had come up with. She dramatically threw down her pencil and rested her head on her forehooves with a miserable sigh. This question was proving to be far more challenging than she had anticipated. At first, she had selected Rainbow Dash, since cider was practically her lifeblood and there was no way she would let anypony but her have the very last barrel. But when Applejack wanted something, she was going to get it - and she would almost certainly want the last barrel of cider that had been brought forth by her own hooves.
Except Rainbow Dash was a fighter, too. Applejack may have been stronger, but Rainbow was definitely the more agile of the two. They would be fairly evenly matched in a fight, which was why Rarity had written 'both'.
Or maybe Applejack would want to make her best friend happy by simply giving her the cider barrel without fighting. That sounded just like her.
Then again, Rainbow could just as easily want to give her best friend the cider without fighting...
"Gah!" Rarity emitted a very unladylike grunt of annoyance and banged her head on the table, not even caring that she had just completely destroyed the front half of her mane. She was so skipping this question.
***
Rainbow Dash was beginning to wonder if Celestia had it in for her.
It wasn't the questions that were annoying. In fact, Rainbow had breezed through the first ten in about three minutes (what kind of Element of Loyalty would she be if she didn't know the answers to all of these?) Shoot, she was so awesome she could probably answer these with her eyes shut and her hooves tied. No, what was annoying was that all of her questions were free response. Rainbow had always hated free response questions in school. You had to actually think. So annoying. Rainbow had peered over AJ's and Twilight's shoulders and distinctly caught a glimpse of a few multiple choice questions, but all of her own were free response. WHAT THE HECK, PRINCESS?! What was Celestia's deal, anyway?
Of course, Rainbow only said all of that in her head. It was probably treason to say that aloud. Sighing and absentmindedly mussing her prismatic mane, she stared down at the next question.
Question #11: What is Applejack's favorite food?
Rainbow Dash pursed her lips thoughtfully. She actually didn't know the answer to that one. On a sudden impulse, she leaned over to her right, where Applejack was sitting and flicked her Stetson. "Hey. Cowgirl. Can you tell me what your favorite food is?" she whispered as quietly as possible, trying her best to avoid attracting Celestia's attention.
Far too used to Dash playing with her hat, AJ reached up and adjusted it without even looking. "No can do, darlin'. That's cheatin'... unless ya wanna tell me yore most embarrassin' moment," she added with a sly smile. "That's the question Ah'm workin' on."
Rainbow grunted and sat back in her seat. "Fat chance. Spoilsport." She'd have to do this the hard way.
After an entire three seconds of intense deliberation, she scrawled down 'something with apples in it' and moved on. Chances were that whatever food Applejack liked most fell under the category of 'apples'.
Question 12: What is Pinkie Pie's favorite prank to play on other ponies?
C'mon, Rainbow, think think think... the pegasus was certain that Pinkie had actually told her this at one point. She gripped her forehead in her hooves as she racked her brains. Now she knew what it felt like to be Twilight when she couldn't remember one of her egghead-y physics equations.
After a while, Rainbow Dash gave up and wrote down the first thing that came to mind. Any prank that I'm helping her with. Pleased with her clever response, she rifled through the next few pages of the exam, trying to figure out how many more problems there were. Surely she was almost done by now.
"WHAT?!" Rainbow stared down at her test in abject horror. There were thirty-three questions left! "HOLY -" She stopped awkwardly as she realized that Celestia was shooting her that Look of Death that had been known to make grown stallions wet their metaphorical pants. Applejack and Fluttershy were also giving her their own respective Stares, which were scary enough in their own right, and Twilight looked almost apoplectic with annoyance.
"Yeesh," Rainbow said feebly, trying to lighten the mood, her voice cracking with nervousness. "I guess when you said no talking during the test, you meant it!"
Celestia narrowed her eyebrows.
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry! I'll stop talking." Rainbow bent her head over her test, trying to look as contrite as possible. Twilight heaved a sigh of relief - she hated being interrupted during a test - and returned to her exam along with everypony else.
Rainbow glanced up at the clock as unobtrusively as possible and groaned. Only ten minutes had passed. There were still twenty minutes of torture left.
Sighing, she picked up her pencil and grouchily got back to work.
***
Pinkie Pie was having a blast. These exam papers had a lot of room for doodling.
Enough said.
***
Fluttershy was on the verge of dying from sheer embarrassment.
The questions themselves weren't embarrassing. It was the memories that they were conjuring up.
You see, Fluttershy knew things. Things that she would rather not know. Things that happened to ponies when they thought nopony else was watching. Things that made her feel like a bad friend for knowing in secret.
She knew these things because she was invisible. Or, at least, it seemed that way to many ponies. Fluttershy was a painfully shy, wallflower type of pony, and she was proud of it. She didn't want to be noticed. Or heard. Or smiled at. Because then she would have to reciprocate, and that was scary.
Most of the time, things went as planned. Nopony noticed that she was there, and life went on as normal - exactly as Fluttershy wanted. But sometimes, things happened. When ponies didn't notice that Fluttershy was there, when they thought they were alone, they said and did things that they would never have dared to do in front of others. Also, occasionally, embarrassing things happened to ponies, things that they were relieved to know had only been witnessed by one pony: themselves.
Except when they hadn't. Sometimes, Fluttershy was there too, watching silently and wishing she were anywhere but there, too worried about being noticed to try to sneak away. She had even witnessed some exceptionally mortifying moments that had given her actual nightmares, and Princess Luna had had to come and help her get rid of them. Fluttershy, in fact, was more discomfited by watching such cringeworthy moments than the ponies experiencing them were.
It was no wonder, then, that some of Celestia's questions were bringing back bad memories. The one Fluttershy was trying to answer now was particularly distressing:
Question #15: What was the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to Rarity?
Seemingly an innocuous question, but Fluttershy knew better. She had actually witnessed the moment in question, although Rarity hadn't known it at the time...
Wait, could she lie? Or at least, neglect to provide the entire answer? Surely Celestia wouldn't know?
But what if she did? Fluttershy's mind whispered. She's the Princess of Equestria, after all. Which means that she can banish you or put you in jail for lying on a written exam. Or worse, forbid you from seeing your animals ever again!
Fluttershy emitted a small 'eep' of fear. What a horrid thought. No, she couldn't allow that to happen. Better to tell the truth. Blushing profusely, the butter-yellow pegasus gripped her pencil in her mouth and wrote, 'A fashion incident.'
Well, that was the truth. But wait... what if she got points taken away for not giving a complete answer? There was certainly more to the story than that.
Fluttershy nibbled at her lip in an agony of indecision, drawing her wings tighter around her frail body as if to shield herself from the exam. Rarity would be absolutely mortified if she ever found out that Fluttershy knew... what if Celestia told her that Fluttershy had shared her secret? Rarity would be positively livid.
But your animals need you! Fluttershy's mind urged her. You can't risk being them being taken away! You have to give complete answers!
Fluttershy knew that she was being fueled by nothing other than utter paranoia, but, as Twilight would say, "A 0.001 percent probability is still a probability, albeit an almost infinitesimal one." The probability that Fluttershy would be forbidden from seeing her animals just because she failed this exam was next to nothing, but she didn't want to risk it.
Feeling miserable, the butter-yellow pegasus hunched over her test and started writing, cringing and reddening alternately as various aspects of Rarity's Worst Day Ever came to mind.
One day Rarity was trying on some outfits in her boutique for a play that Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo were putting on. They had asked Applejack and Rarity to be in it, and she had made all of the costumes. Applejack was going to play a peasant, and Rarity decided to try on her costume before giving it to her to make sure everything was the right size. It was a really ugly costume. I mean, it was really pretty! And fashionable! Um, for a peasant costume... well... anyway, while Rarity was trying it on, some customers came into the boutique and she didn't have time to change. She explained to them that it was just a costume for a play, and they acted like they understood.
The very same day, Rarity got word that a picture of her in the peasant costume was now on the front page of the Canterlot Tribune - of which an entire special edition had been printed only to show this story. The ponies who came into her shop were actually a journalist and a camerapony who had been looking for a sensational story... wherever Rarity is, 'sensational' is sure to follow. And they got one. Rarity was furious and took the train up to Canterlot to talk to the newspaper ponies. They had conveniently forgotten to mention that she had only been trying on a costume.
Unfortunately, the whole thing had flustered her so much that she completely forgot to take off the peasant costume. It took her a while to realize that she was walking amidst the rich, magnificent nobility of Canterlot in a filthy brown robe covered with artfully designed fake mold, but when she did, she was absolutely appalled. She sank down in the middle of the road and burst into very loud tears that everypony in Canterlot could hear. Within a few minutes, there was a crowd of over a hundred ponies standing around her and laughing. Fortunately, some ponies were eventually kind enough to help her remove the costume and get home, and her agent settled things with the Tribune before they could write a follow-up of the story. Rarity returned to Ponyville, bravely kept the costume and went on with the play, and her incident was forgotten about before the news ever reached Ponyville. The end.
Fluttershy released a long, shaky sigh and wiped a bead of sweat off her forehead. That was the hardest thing she had ever done. She only hoped Celestia didn't ask how she knew all of that because nothing - not clowns, not awful nightmares, not even being taken away from her beloved animals - could make her answer that question. Fluttershy had, somehow, been unlucky enough to witness every single moment of Rarity's humiliation, and she did not want to relieve the memory of how it had happened. She had been so embarrassed for the ivory unicorn that she would have happily died if it would have allowed her to escape that situation.
Fluttershy's face broke into a soft smile as she realized that that had probably been the hardest question on the test. Surely the others would be of a far more innocent nature - after all, Celestia had no idea which of her friends' moments Fluttershy had or hadn't witnessed. There was no way she'd be able to ask another question similar to the one she had just answered - that question must have just been an extremely unlucky coincidence.
Question #16: What does Applejack say when she accidentally drops a newly-baked pie and has to make another one?
Fluttershy began to tremble. This was uncannily specific... almost as if Celestia knew that Fluttershy had seen Applejack do this very thing before. Which she had. And it had not been pretty.
Let's just say that farm ponies are almost remarkably adept at cussing, far more so than the average pony. Applejack in particular seemed to have a wide-ranging vocabulary of special country swear words - the kind of words that would have made Rainbow Dash whoop with delight and try to start a swearing competition - half of which Fluttershy didn't understand but all of which made her wish that dying of sheer embarrassment was possible so that she didn't have to listen to the words anymore.
And now she had to write them, or risk incurring the wrath of the Princess for lying on an exam. In despair, Fluttershy slumped onto the table and wrapped her hooves around her head, offering a plea to the room at large. "Help me..."
***
Now, Applejack didn't have any qualms about admitting when she didn't know something, but even she was downright embarrassed by her inability to answer some of these questions.
Take the one she was currently struggling on, for example:
Question #10: What is Rarity's favorite color?
Applejack had been friends with Rarity for years, but somehow, their favorite colors had never come up in conversation, mainly because colors = dresses = Rarity forcing Applejack to try on clothes = not fun. And Applejack usually tried to steer clear of conversation topics that led to torture.
At the moment, of course, Applejack was kicking herself for never asking Rarity this most basic of questions. However, Granny Smith had taught her never to cry over spilled milk, so she forced herself to get her act together and start thinking.
Lemme see... it's gonna be some uncommon, fancy-schmancy color... purple? Naw, Rarity sees purple ev'ry time she looks in th' mirror, she'd like somethin' a bit more interestin'... red? Nope, too common. Blue? Mmm... prob'ly not. Too 'démodé' or whatever that word is she likes t' use...
Aaargh! Ah give up. With a grunt of frustration, Applejack bent over her paper and wrote 'sparkly'. There. That covered all possible colors. Maybe she'd get points docked for being unspecific, but Applejack didn't care. She wasn't about to waste any more brain space thinking about this.
Question #11: Would Twilight rather work on Sweet Apple Acres for a day or work as a weatherpony for a day? Please explain.
Applejack set her mouth in a thin line and worked her jaw, her emerald eyes flashing with ill humor. She was quite fed up with Celestia's weird questions. What was the point of this test? To highlight all of the things Applejack was now rapidly realizing that she didn't know about her friends?
She huffed a sigh and crossed her hooves over her chest. Guess Ah better start thinkin'.
Neither of those options had anything to do with books, so chances were that Twilight would hate both of them. Well... helping distribute weather across Ponyville for a day was at least an educational experience. Maybe Twilight would prefer that.
But buckin' apples is educational too, the proud-to-be-a-farmpony part of Applejack's mind protested stubbornly. Workin' 'round a farm is a great way t' learn about th' Earth pony way o' life.
Bucking clouds? Or bucking apples? Pouring rain or pouring cider?
Applejack, Element of Honesty, had honestly no idea.
Suddenly feeling unbearably frustrated, Applejack (quietly) slammed her Stetson down on the table, (quietly) shoved her flaxen bangs out of her eyes, and (very quietly) launched into a tirade of old-fashioned execrating. "Awww, nuts'n shoes!"
***
"Alright, time's up, everypony," Celestia declared a short while later.
"But I didn't finish the questions!" Twilight wailed, distraught.
Celestia let out a snort of laughter at her former student's horror but managed to hastily disguise it as a cough. "I'm sorry, but I cannot allow you any more time. All of you, please collate your tests and bring them to me for grading."
"What does 'collate' mean?" Pinkie Pie questioned curiously.
"It means to collect and combine," Rarity answered. Twilight looked annoyed; her friend had stolen the words right out of her mouth.
One by one, the six ponies dropped their test papers into a rapidly-growing stack. Fluttershy gathered them into her hooves and flew them over to Celestia, her soft pastel tail flowing behind her.
Celestia's face was a mask of confusion as she stared at the top page. "This... is a collection of doodles."
Everypony's gaze instantly swung over to Pinkie Pie. "What?" she demanded obliviously. "Why are you looking at me like I just swallowed an alligator? Uh-oh, did I?! I've done that without noticing before. Gummy was not happy."
"No, there ain't no alligator, don' worry. But, sugarcube... ya did take the test, right?" Applejack asked her, a smile lurking around the corners of her lips.
"Of course I did! I just answered everything in doodle form. All my answers are drawings, instead of answers. Well, they're still answers, I just drew them. So they look like really non-answery answers, but I still answered the questions, just not like answers. You know?"
"Erm... frankly, no," Celestia responded, taken aback. "But I'm certain I'll find out." Trying to regain some of her royal composure, which Pinkie Pie somehow managed to nullify whenever she was nearby, she glanced down at the neat stack of papers and cleared her throat. "Ahem. I will now grade your tests. Please remain silent."
Everypony shuddered simultaneously and bowed their heads. Despite the difficulties they had encountered on the exam, they were all fairly confident that they would pass it. Surely the Princess would cut them some slack, considering how many trials they had borne together and emerged victorious from. There was nothing to worry about...
And yet... what if? What if they failed? And then had to give up their posts as protectors of harmony and friendship throughout Equestria? The nightmarish thought tugged gently at the backs of everypony's minds, sending waves of nervousness rippling through their consciousnesses. Even Rainbow Dash was pale and downcast. Applejack, too, seemed subdued, resting on the floor with her powerful legs tucked beneath her and her hat pulled low over her forehead, her eyes distant and thoughtful. Twilight was actually pacing back and forth at the foot of Celestia's throne, trembling with nerves. Waiting to get your test score back is always the worst part. Rarity and Fluttershy were huddled up together next to Applejack, taking solace in each other's closeness. Only Pinkie Pie was behaving normally (which, for her, involved smiling brightly and bouncing around the room to inspect various objects of decoration, eating pastries that she had procured from Celestia-knows-where), but her friends just attributed this apparent 'normality' to her typical bizarre behavioral patterns. Nopony dared shatter the solemn, dour silence by speaking. The only sound that punctured said silence was the soft sproing-sproing of Pinkie's bouncing hooves.
Although they tried to distract themselves, everypony's gaze kept darting back to Princess Celestia as they discreetly attempted to watch her grading while pretending to look at anything but her. Their eyes brightened and dulled alternately as she nodded or shook her head disapprovingly in the direction of the papers.
Fluttershy almost had a heart attack when Celestia raised her head and stared directly at her, arching an eyebrow. "Interesting choice of words," she commented dryly, raising her other eyebrow at Applejack, who was completely bewildered by the sudden attention. Fluttershy knew that Celestia must have been referring to the swears and wished furiously that something - anything - a horde of flying pigs or Discords or marshmallows - would come and rescue her from this situation.
Much to the mousy pegasus's relief, Celestia took pity on her and lowered her head in order to return to grading. Her muzzle wore a calm smile, which considerably calmed the overwrought test-takers, as she progressed through the exam papers.
And then disaster struck, as Celestia finished correcting the first test. Celestia gasped and widened her eyes, her mouth gaping open in disbelief. She rifled desperately through the papers as though trying to confirm that she had reached the correct conclusion, albeit an undesirable one, and her eyes dimmed as she realized that she apparently had. Swallowing hard, the Princess moved onto the rest of the tests, her expression growing increasingly more despondent as her eyes scanned the pages. Finally, as she finished correcting the final test, she used her horn to transmute the pages into a swirl of paper fragments that vanished away into nothingness and sat back in her throne with a deep sigh. A single tear welled in her violet eye and slid down her alabaster cheek. The ponies cast nervous glances at each other - that couldn't be good.
"My little ponies," Celestia announced, a tremor in her voice, "I must inform you that you have failed."
Silence. Not a pleasant, convivial silence, but the thick, torpid silence that precedes a raging hurricane.
She continued. "I regret to say that you all missed more than three-quarters of the questions - a definite fail. It is now my unfortunate duty to relieve you of your posts as keepers of friendship. Despite my disappointment, I must now turn to finding others more suitable for the job." The alicorn sniffled and wiped at her eyes.
The Mane Six finally found themselves able to react as Celestia's words sank in. Although they had been worried about failing, nopony had considered it a real possibility. Applejack lowered her head in shame and tugged her Stetson over her eyes, not wanting anypony to see her cry. Rainbow Dash sank to the floor, her face white, staring straight ahead in disbelief. Fluttershy's eyes welled with tears, and she leaned numbly against Rarity's side and broke out into a fit of quiet sobbing. Rarity, for once, lacked both the sofa and the vigor necessary to indulge in a bout of dramatic wailing, and could only rest her head against Fluttershy's and do her best to comfort her, her own eyes brimming with moisture. Twilight Sparkle was completely distraught. She had collapsed to the ground in a discombobulated lavender heap and was now muttering to herself, "I failed. I failed. And I missed seventy-five percent of the questions." Her eyes were huge and frightened. This was entirely unheard of - never before had she failed a test. Never. And this had possibly been the most important test in her life. What happened next? Would she have to give up her position as Princess of Friendship? And what about her friends? What would happen to them? Would Princess Celestia even want to associate with them anymore?
Would she even want to associate with Twilight anymore?
Twilight wrapped her wings over her eyes and tucked her head beneath her hooves, feeling miserable and exhausted. Her life had just taken a turn for the worse right before her very eyes, and she knew that her friends were feeling just as awful as she was.
Well, perhaps not all of them. Inexplicably, Pinkie Pie seemed completely unaffected. She was watching her friends fluctuate between various degrees of despair, shame, and anger with a perplexed smile on her face. "Why are you guys so sad?" she asked, her high-pitched, cheery voice providing a startling contrast to the dejected atmosphere.
Rainbow Dash looked appalled. "How are you so happy?" she retaliated, her voice breaking. "Pinkie Pie, don't you get it? We failed! We're done! No more friendship missions! No more friendship anything! We -" Her voice died. "What was that?" She whirled around to face the direction of the sound and her eyes widened as Princess Celestia emitted yet another undignified snort of laughter.
At the perplexed expression on Rainbow's face, the Princess couldn't keep it together any longer. She broke out into a fit of giggles, her laughter ringing through the hall.
Rainbow Dash could only stare. "What. The. Heck."
Celestia wiped another tear from her eye, this time one of mirth, as her giggles subsided. "Holy Me, the looks on your faces! Priceless!"
"Princess," Applejack spoke up in a deceptively calm voice, "Ya mind tellin' us what's goin' on? Ya jus' told us we can't be keepers o' friendship anymore an' now yore laughin'?"
"My apologies, Applejack. I'll explain at once." Celestia took a deep breath. "APRIL FOOLS'!"
Silence, again.
She eyed the ponies expectantly, waiting for it to click. It didn't, so she tried again. "April Fools'!"
Still silence. They were just staring at her dumbly as though they had all simultaneously forgotten how to speak, with the exception of Pinkie, who was staring at her friends with an expectant expression similar to Celestia's own.
In desperation, Celestia turned to the only pony who might be able to assist her. "Pinkie Pie? You are supposed to say April Fools', right?"
"Of course! But you have to do it with a little more pizzazz. Like this." Pinkie Pie wheeled her party cannon out of thin air and fired it with gusto. Boatloads of polychromatic confetti exploded out onto her friends. "APRIL FOOLS'!"
This, finally, got everypony's attention. Rarity shrieked and shot to her hooves as confetti permeated her perfectly coiffed mane. Fluttershy, terrified, shrieked for a very different reason and covered her eyes. Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight didn't flinch, too used to Pinkie's antics, but poor Applejack was unlucky enough to unintentionally inhale a piece of confetti into her nose and launched into a bout of explosive sneezing.
After AJ's sneezing fit had passed, Rarity was the first pony to step forward and say what all of them were thinking, albeit with a little more dramatic flair than anypony else would have included. "Now, I am aware that it is rude for a lady to shout in public, so I must apologize in advance." She cleared her throat pleasantly and brushed a few pieces of confetti out of her mane. "WHAT IN EQUESTRIA IS HAPPENING?!"
"Oh, come on, guys!" Pinkie exclaimed, rolling her eyes. Her party cannon had mysteriously vanished. "It was a joke! Today's April Fools' Day! She was pranking you! Nice prank, by the way," she added with a giggle. "But it didn't fool me! No sir, not Pinkamena Diane Pie!"
Celestia smiled graciously at the pink party pony, choosing to ignore the 'sir'. "Thank you. I thought so too."
"But... how did you know, Pinkie, darling?" Rarity inquired, her sapphire eyes wide with astonishment.
Pinkie winked conspiratorially. "I always know."
Not creepy at all.
Rainbow Dash was still stuck on the idea of this all being an elaborate prank. "H-how?" she stuttered, her eyes bulging.
Princess Celestia chuckled. "Quite easily, in fact. I knew that none of you would ever suspect me of playing a prank because I'm a princess. We're supposed to be above such trivialities. But, you see, princesses need to have fun too. So I decided to create a prank that allowed me to exercise my dramatic skills. I used to love acting before I became a princess. Didn't you notice how cold and formal I was acting?" she asked Twilight.
"Of course not. I was too worried about the test!" Twilight protested, predictably.
"So, th' scary voice an' th' creepy pacin'? That was all an act?" Applejack was clearly wondering how she hadn't noticed earlier. As the Element of Honesty, she was supposed to be able to detect when somepony was lying.
"All of it," Celestia confirmed, her eyes twinkling. "I mean, a friendship exam? Really? What absolute rot. I know enough about friendship to know that what you love about your friends is far too special to ever be captured on paper."
Fluttershy, who had emerged from beneath her wings, agreed with the sentiment but had a more pressing matter to discuss. "But... how did you know all of those things about us? For the test? Some of the questions were very... specific..." In the worst way possible, she added mentally.
Celestia coughed apologetically. "Let's just say two words... mind reading."
"Called it," Rainbow smirked proudly.
"So it was a real test," Rarity chimed in, still brushing confetti out of her mane. "Did we really make that many mistakes?"
"You certainly did," the alicorn replied. "I wasn't lying when I said that you missed more than three-quarters of the questions." Twilight emitted a little moan and tottered backwards, feeling faint. That was a positively disgraceful score. She was sure it was going to return in her nightmares.
"But, Celestia continued, staring directly at Twilight, "like I said earlier, friendship is deeper and more important than anything that you can write down on paper. You can know each other without knowing everything about each other. And as far as I am concerned, you all have proven yourselves time and time again to be more than capable of the friendship-related tasks that I have assigned you." She smiled warmly.
Twilight started laughing. It was too much. In the last few minutes, she'd failed a test, lost her throne, and been majorly pranked by the supposedly mature ruler of Equestria. She wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry, but her brain seemed to have picked the former, so she went along with it.
Slowly, the rest of her friends joined in. Whatever tension remained in the room dissipated as the Mane Six and Celestia indulged in a bout of hearty, uninhibited laughter, Applejack's rich bass tones and Pinkie's high-pitched giggles nicely rounding out the metaphorical spectrum of laughs.
"Wow," Rainbow chortled as their laughter finally began to abate. "Gotta say, I never expected you to play a prank on us, Princess. You just earned some Awesomeness Points."
"I'm flattered," she answered wryly.
"Ya should be. She hardly ever gives 'em t'anypony but herself," Applejack snorted. Fluttershy bit her lip to keep from laughing.
"Yeah, yeah." Rainbow's eyes settled on the clock and she frowned. "Look, not to be rude -"
"But you're going to be," Rarity muttered.
Dash ignored her. "It's already almost two o'clock, and we should get back to Ponyville soon. Not that I didn't enjoy being pranked by the Princess of Equestria," she added hastily. "'Cause I totally did. It's just that me and Pinkie have some awesome pranks planned and we need time to set them up."
"Yeah!" Pinkie agreed enthusiastically. "We're gonna -"
"Shhh!" Rainbow shoved a hoof over Pinkie's mouth, glancing furtively at her friends. "You can't say it out loud! Then it's not a surprise!"
"Y'all try anythin' funny on mah farm, Ah'll buck ya into th' sky so fast you do a double sonic rainboom," Applejack warned. "That goes fer you too, Pinkie."
"Chillax, dude! Your farm will be fine. Mostly." Ignoring her glare, Rainvow gave Celestia a cocky salute and trotted for the door. "Let's get pranking!"
"Wait, please!" Rainbow stopped dead in her tracks as Celestia's voice rang imposingly through the halls, and spun around to face the Princess. She grinned shamefacedly at Twilight, who looked horrified that she had just tried to walk out on the ruler of Equestria without so much as a farewell. "I didn't just call you here to prank you," Celestia continued, stepping regally off her dais. "That would have been a misguided waste of time for all involved. In fact, the pranking was sort of a bonus, so to speak. The real reason I called you all here was that it is hardly fitting of a Princess to spend so little time with her most dedicated subjects, and yet that is precisely what I have been doing. I miss your company - it gets quite lonely in the castle with just me and that crazy, tantrum-throwing sleepyhead that I call my sister," she added, rolling her eyes affectionately. "So, if you six will allow me, I would like to formally invite you to dine at my table this afternoon."
"Really? Sweet!" Rainbow Dash spiraled into the air, whooping happily, but her grin quickly faded as she caught sight of Applejack staring at her with a raised eyebrow. "Uh, I mean, I guess I can take a little more time out of my schedule," she corrected herself, trying to sound nonchalant.
"That's a wonderful offer, Princess Celestia, but should I really be taking more time off from my own Princess duties?" Twilight asked skeptically. "I mean, I -"
"We have some of those Molten Chocolate Truffles you used to be crazy about," Celestia interjected slyly, inspecting the tips of her hooves idly as though she were completely innocent.
Twilight's resolve crumbled in an instant. "Oh, well, never mind. We'll stay." Her eyes gleamed and she inadvertently licked her lips.
Pinkie Pie shrieked with glee. "WHOO-OOOOO! LUNCH PARTY WITH THE PRINCESS!" Without warning, she grabbed Fluttershy around her midsection and shot off in the direction of the dining hall, ignoring the unfortunate pegasus's yelp of terror (they'd all been to the palace often enough to know where all of the rooms were, except Celestia's private bowling alley, which she studiously refused to reveal the location of).
Rainbow, still hovering in the air, grinned micheviously at Applejack, who knew what that expression meant at once. "Rainbow, Ah'm warnin' ya, don't ya even think about - aah!" The rest of her words were lost as Rainbow cannoned into her, tightened her hooves around her belly, and zoomed after Pinkie, leaving Rarity and Twilight to follow them at a slower pace like normal ponies. Rainbow was intentionally disregarding the farmpony's angry yells and struggles - Dash knew that Applejack, for all her strength, would never be able to outfight her while they were in the air.
Celestia blinked in bewilderment as the six ponies engaged themselves in leading her to the dining room in her very own castle. Shaking off her surprise with the graciousness and dignity that befitted a member of the royal family, she tossed her mane and trailed after them.
The dining table was already set for eight and was groaning beneath a heavy spread of food from various cuisines. Everything had been magically enchanted in order to stay warm until everypony was ready to eat. Pies and breads jostled for place with salads, pastas, and even a dish of what looked like Caneighdian butter tarts, much to Celestia's pleasure. Princess Luna was already sitting at the chair next to Celestia's, waiting patiently for the rest of the guests to arrive.
Pinkie and Rainbow slowed somewhat and deposited their harrowed passengers at the doorway to the dining room, dipping their heads respectfully in Luna's direction. Luna gracefully inclined her head in return, her star-flecked, indigo mane flowing behind her, and gestured to the throng of empty chairs about the table. After giving Rainbow Dash a hard glance that clearly said, We'll talk later, Applejack strode across the room and threw herself into one of the proffered seats, murmuring a quiet thank-you to the Princess. Rarity, Pinkie, Twilight, Fluttershy, and Rainbow followed suit.
"Good afternoon, sister," Celestia greeted Luna, slipping into her throne-like chair at the end of the table next to Twilight and giving her sister a quick nuzzle. "I trust you are ready to eat?"
"Tia, I'm positively STARVING. That prank of yours took forever." Luna eyed the six ponies mischievously. "How did that go, by the way?" Her voice was slighter louder than average, but nowhere near as loud as The Voice. She'd learned to tone it down for her friends, although she still needed to work on addressing her subjects without causing any fainting episodes.
"Well, we fell for it completely, if that's what you're asking," Rarity answered ruefully.
Luna laughed. "Well, I know Celestia was happy for the chance to take a break from her duties, and all's well that ends well."
"Yes, I certainly was," Celestia admitted, smiling. "Princesses should always have time for pranks."
Luna's eyes gleamed, but she quickly stared down at her empty plate before anypony could notice. "Sister, do I have permission to begin the lunch?"
"Permission granted." Although she never would have admitted it, Celestia was hungry enough to eat an entire apple orchard (although probably not Applejack's. Not even being a Princess would save her from the telling-to she would get after that).
"Thank you." The Princess cleared her throat and began. "My sister and I asked the palace staff to prepare some some common Ponyville fare. Celestia even gave me permission to assist in the kitchens myself. If nopony objects, I shall list the items on the menu."
Nopony objected, although Rainbow Dash looked like she desperately wanted to, so Luna pressed onwards. "Very well. We have salad and a light pasta dish for starters. I am aware that hayburgers and fries are a popular menu item in Ponyville, and I took the liberty of including them in today's fare. We also have soup, daisy sandwiches, freshly-grown produce from some of the surrounding farms, cake, apple pie -"
"Oh, get on with it, Luna!" Celestia interrupted impatiently. "I'm ravenous!"
Her sister looked slightly affronted, but recovered herself quickly. "Very well. I suppose the food will speak for itself. Let us eat."
"Yes," Rainbow sighed happily, lunging forward and scooping five sandwiches and a hayburger onto her plate. Normally, Rarity would have scolded her for her appalling table etiquette, but she was far too busy heaping her plate with vegetables and salad (hayburgers and fries, in her opinion, did not encourage thinness). Fluttershy took a generous helping of vegetables and some pasta. Pinkie, naturally, had a plateful of cake, and Applejack had some salad and a wedge of pie. Twilight's initial efforts to take only healthy food had been suppressed by the plate of chocolate truffles that had conveniently, if not intentionally, been placed right in front of her. Celestia smiled at everypony's enthusiasm and poured herself a mug of tea. It was her habit to drink a full cup of tea before every meal.
Luna, noticeably, did not take any food at all. "Aren't you hungry?" Celestia queried with some concern. Her sister usually had the appetite of a Minotaur.
The alicorn smiled wickedly. "Oh, not yet."
Celestia, unfortunately, did not see this rather disturbing grin, and neglected to question her any further. Shrugging, she used her horn to float her tea up to her lips.
All of a sudden, several things happened at the same time.
Applejack gagged and spat out her mouthful of pie, actually sticking her hooves in her mouth and frantically trying to scrape the food off her tongue. "Gah! This ain't apples! It's PEARS! Ah hate pears!!!"
"THIS CAKE HAS A GIANT HOLE IN THE CENTER!" Pinkie Pie wailed, sounding distraught. "WHO WOULD BAKE AN INNOCENT LITTLE CAKE WITH A HOLE IN THE CENTER?!"
"THERE. IS. A. BUG. IN. MY. SALAD!" Rarity screeched, her muzzle crinkled with repulsion. She scrambled out of her chair, almost stumbling over her own hooves in her efforts to get as far away from the dastardly little creature as possible.
Fluttershy squealed as the innocent-looking tomatoes in her pasta exploded in her face, splattering her with tomato juice that splashed in her eyes, completely blinding her. Unable to see and terrified out of her wits, the poor pegasus fell out of her chair and started flailing her limbs helplessly, almost crying with terror.
Rainbow Dash took an enormous bite of her hayburger and instantly broke out into a sneezing fit. "Achoo - sneezing powder - achoo - help - aCHOO - AAGH," she wheezed helplessly, involuntary tears streaming from her eyes. Her nose twitched as her body was racked by constant sneezes, and she curled her wings around herself in embarrassment in order to muffle the explosive noises.
Twilight's face turned redder than Fluttershy's evil tomatoes. She let out a sound rather like a train whistle and collapsed forwards onto the table, frantically grasping for anything to drink. The Molten Chocolate Truffles would have been more accurately described as Molten Chili Pepper Truffles.
Celestia took a dainty sip of her tea and suddenly spat it out again, not bothering to be regal about it. "THIS IS NOT TEA! THIS IS COFFEE!" She hated coffee. "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" Her Voice boomed imposingly through the halls; she was far too angry for volume control.
By now, Luna was laughing so hard that she had almost fallen out of her chair and was quite in danger of cracking a rib. "The looks on your faces!!" She wiped away a tear of mirth and dissolved into giggles once more.
"It was you?!" Celestia growled.
Luna was completely unfazed by her sister's anger. "Princesses should always have time for pranks, should they not?" she replied innocently, intentionally quoting Celestia herself. The fury in her sister's eyes was enough to send her into another fit of laughter.
Staring around at the table of hysterical ponies, including one who would never eat tomatoes again, Celestia could not have agreed less. She silently vowed never to play another prank... and never to let Luna in the kitchen again. Giving a disgruntled sigh and downing an entire glass of water in order to rid her lips of the hateful taste of coffee, Celestia groaned and lowered her head to the table with a thud. "Welp."
Author's Note
Happy April Fools' Day, everypony! I hope you enjoyed my little story.
I really wish I had different text options so I could do all the different ponies' writing styles... sigh. Oh well.
What are you doing still reading? Go prank someone XD
