Chapter XVI: Who I Am

Sunset's eyes opened to behold a dark sky.  She lay on her back, the ground beneath her hard and uneven.  She slowly pushed herself to her elbows to see that she was at the top of a tower, no ceiling enclosing it from the starry expanse above her.  The tower looked like one she had frequented before leaving her home for the human world.

She half-expected Princess Celestia to trot onto the roof, another look of pure frustration on her face.  Though she could hear a visitor approaching on the stairs, the sounds were of feet rather than hooves.  Eventually, a demon with red skin and red-and-yellow hair standing upright like a flame came to crouch over her.

"I'm surprised we're still alive after that," the demon said, offering a hand to Sunset.

The battered young woman took it without hesitation, allowing her other self to pull her to her feet.  "Are we back in my dreams?"

"I pulled us here.  We were going into shock, and I didn't want us to cease existing.  Our heart is starting to work again, though, so we should wake up soon."

"Thank you for your help."

"I am you."

Sunset rested against the parapet and looked over the castle below her.  "Princess Celestia told me that she used to come up here or go to other tall places after her sister gave herself to the Nightmare.  She felt that she could be closer to her lost sister.  From what I gather, Luna and I are rather similar."

"What do you mean by that?"

With a chuckle, Sunset replied, "We're both ... borderline personalities, I guess.  I call myself a sociopath, as per the human vernacular, but I don't know for sure with Luna.  Either way, Celestia never knew how to deal with us.  Pony society doesn't produce many people like us, and the few that do appear tend to go off the deep end before they can figure out how to deal with it.  Humans are much more familiar with the idea and know better how to help someone with it.  Well, you know that, since you and I are two parts of the whole."

The demon offered no response, instead gesturing for Sunset to continue.

"I fought it for a long time.  I didn't want to admit that you were part of me; I was scared that doing so would be the end of me.  The things I did after my parents kicked me out of the house were purely to survive, after all.

"If I admitted that you really were part of me ... well, pony society wouldn't want me around.  I doubt Celestia would have ordered my execution, but she certainly wouldn't have taken me as a student.  At best, I would have been closely monitored.  At worst, I might have spent a lot of time in a dungeon.

"Instead, calling you an external monster that somehow got into me made me a victim.  Celestia even gave me a full pardon for the things I did to survive.  She praised my ability to keep myself alive against terrible odds.

"It went to my head over time.  I'm smart, gifted, talented, whatever you want to call it.  There's almost nothing I can't do if I put myself to it, though I have a hard time with applying myself unless something interests me.  As I got stronger, I decided that I wanted what I thought I deserved.  Even now, some part of me does still think I deserved a chance to become a princess."

Seeing Canterlot Castle through her memories left Sunset with a melancholy tone.  She tried to straighten, but the pain was too great even in her dream.  Instead, she slid until her arse reached the floor to rest her head against the cool stone of the parapet.

"Celestia just doesn't know how to help people like me.  I blamed her for years, but it wasn't entirely her fault.  Yes, she drove her sister away because she couldn't see that what worked for most did not work on Luna, but mistakes happen.  Where she first genuinely failed was when she drove me away by making the exact same mistakes instead of learning from her failures.

"She wanted to 'fix' me, make me normal, but that doesn't work for people like us.  Bringing both Luna and me back required a powerful magic that basically reset our brains to take away the loop of hate.  I never stopped having you be a part of me, though you lost the control I gave you when I put on that crown."

The demon settled next to Sunset.  The heat from her skin drove the bite from the air, which Sunset had not noticed until that moment.

"When Celestia figured out that platitudes wouldn't save me from being what I am, she called me broken.  I think I am, too.  Do you know when I broke?"

"You don't know, so I can't."

"Maybe I forgot, if I ever knew.  Maybe I was born this way, but I'm guessing it was because of how my parents treated me.  Before I knew it, you were there, whispering into my ear.  It was like you were always there by the time I noticed you."

"You were a little foal the first time I was aware of myself.  We were fleeing that timberwolf.  Thanks to my advise and your magic, that thing became our fire for the night."

Sunset nodded.  "I never thanked you for that, you know.  You've helped me so many times, but it was easier to blame you for my flaws.  'That's not me.  I couldn't control it.  Please help me get that thing out of my head.'

"Even though I knew the truth, I couldn't admit it to myself, not until the day I saved Sweetie Belle.  After that, it was just easier to ignore you than to reach into all the things you represent and clear them out.  Why haven't you ever used them against me?"

"Because I am you.  I can't do much that you won't allow me to do.  Poking and prodding was the limit.  You finally realised that I've never impacted your dreams directly?"

"I always knew, but it comes back to the same point:  Easier to blame you than to admit that I'm rotten."

"That sounds like what Rainbow Dash said."

"It's true.  Much more of ignoring the problem and I would have lost control of myself.  I have the power to summon Goetia and subdue them, something professional shrinks would give both kidneys to have, but I've never done it.  I left all that to fester for years.  If Midnight hadn't stopped me when she did ... I would have become the monster I always feared.  It's time to stop pretending."

"Where does that leave me?"

"Even if I don't agree with the things you tell me, you're always there to offer suggestions.  You aren't too different from how I hear people describe a conscience.  In fact, I'd almost say you're mine.  If I didn't have you, what would I have, do you think?"

"Nothing, I guess?  If you believe in what others call a conscience, then you obviously don't have one."

Sunset laughed, though it caused sharp pain in her chest.  "I know.  I know exactly how to behave, what the 'rules' are.  There's nothing telling me to be nice, though.  Even my guilt is something I give myself because that's what 'normal' people should feel.  I barely have any empathy, except for my friends.  When I don't get what I want, there's nothing telling me to calm down and think about it.  Instead, there's you, suggesting I bathe in the blood of those that try to stop me."

"Seems to have worked out for you ... this time."

"Yes and no.  I have learnt to control myself, which let me make real friends because of it.  At least, I had them."

The sound of fist striking palm accompanied Demon-Sunset's next words.  "And we'll make those Banishers and everyone else pay for what they did to your friends.  We'll do it together."

"Yes, we will, but maybe not how we pictured it.  It's funny; being in my own head helped calm me down.  I can see their faces and imagine what they would say if they saw what I had been thinking the last few hours.  Pixie would be traumatised for life.  Sweetie Belle would never speak to me again.  The rest of them ... I would have chased away my friends, no one to blame but myself.  I'm glad that Midnight stopped me."

"What are you saying?  We let them go?  Even if you don't want revenge anymore, they deserve to be punished."

"True, and they'll receive their punishment, but I will not become a monster to do it.  I lost myself once; I'm never letting that happen again.  You have your place, I have mine.  Remember what Starswirl wrote about destiny?"

"That it's hogwash, and that ponies should be the arbiters of their own futures?  Based on what he had to say, I think he censored his language there."

Sunset nodded.  "I'm choosing my own destiny.  I know what I am and what I want to be.  I can't be something I'm not, but I don't have to let it control me.  Will you help me?"

She opened her arms to the demon.  Demon-Sunset edged toward herself slowly.

"What if I cease to be?"

"I am you."

There were no further words to speak.  Demon-Sunset threw herself at Sunset.  They joined, the two parts of Sunset's mind finally becoming one.  As she absorbed the darkness she had ignored for so long, the world of Sunset's mind faded.

Every personal demon she had suppressed took advantage of their sudden unshackling to attack.  Most prominent were the legions of her rage, but they were not alone.  Anger, hurt, betrayal, jealousy, spite, envy, hate, and many others were ready to take control of Sunset.  At her back rested those she wanted to comprise her:  Love, hope, compassion, and kindness with just a little anger and guilt she wanted to keep.  She had learnt long ago that the traditionally positive feelings may have helped her feel strong, but they were not very useful in battle.

She summoned Sparky and her demon to help.  Both would protect what she wanted to keep while she cleared the rest of it.  Her Temenos was to be a battlefield, the victor to become the true Sunset Shimmer.

She was still recovering from the soul-shocking loss of herself, but the memories of her beloved friends were there to support her.  Even if they were gone, Sweetie Belle, Button Mash, Pixie, Twilight, Fluttershy, Applejack, Trixie, Lemon Zest, Flash Sentry, and so many others living and dead had left pieces of their souls with Sunset and could therefore never be truly lost.  She could visualise each, the parts fully representative of the whole.  They would have her back in good times and bad.

"I'm coming back," she promised as she charged into the fray.