Thoughtletts

by Georg

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Random
Length: 50307

Georg’s Thoughtletts. Like Snigletts, or Drabbles, only more thoughtful - Ideas inspired by stories or blog posts but too small for stories of their own and too large to throw away

Georg’s Thoughtletts - Like Snigletts, or Drabbles, only more thoughtful. Ideas inspired by stories but too small for stories of their own and too large to throw away. (see Drabbles) Normally left on unsuspecting author’s blog posts or stories like droppings. Do you remember Kentucky Fried Movie? Kind of like that.

And now we return to our featured presentation, Cannibal Alicorns on the Moon.

Posted today in honor of April Fool’s Day, for all of you who make me act like such a fool. Thank you.
Cover art Twilight Sparkle by Marenlicious at DeviantArt

Published 2017-04-01 18:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2023-04-01 17:52:20 UTC

2. Guilty Bystanders

Author's Note

You masochists, you.

2. Guilty Bystanders

Thoughtletts
(When you come to a fork in the road, take it. — Yogi Berra)

(From The Hat Man’s blog post on shipping Turing Test The Love That Dares Not Perk Its Name )

"Twilight Sparkle, I have something to confess."

Turing Test had been almost silent in the kitchen until that point, and Twilight jumped while fumbling her coffee cup, almost dropping it on the floor. She levitated the cup over to the counter and dug into the cabinet while grunting, "Can it wait a minute? I'd like to get my morning coffee first."

"No, Twilight Sparkle. It cannot wait. You see, I have found true love."

"Oh?" Twilight surfaced with a tin of coffee in her magical grasp and began to look around the counter for the percolator. "Congratulations. Let's celebrate with a cup of coffee. Have you seen the—" She stopped, looking at the chrome and glass appliance tucked under Turing Test's foreleg. "No."

"You can not have him," said Turing. "He is mine, and I do not wish to share."

(From Skywriter’s Blog, Wishing You a Happy Lovebutt Day 2017)

Hearts and Hooves day was wonderful. All of her friends were out with their significant other, their special somedragon, or other good special friend to enjoy the day. Even Fluttershy and Discord had taken off to… wherever it was that Discord went whenever he was not tormenting Twilight. It was quiet, which was just perfect for Her Highness, the Princess of Friendship (and Castle Librarian). She had just settled down with a dozen books, only seven of which she had already read, flat on her belly in the Librarian Throne (i.e. a dozen cushions on the library floor that kept her off the chilly crystal), when she thought she heard a noise in the map room.

After a quick dash in the hopes that some critical Hearts and Hooves day mission was in the air, she trudged back into the library.

False alarm.

About four hours later and after another half-dozen false alarms, along with a trip down to the kitchen to brew up an unnecessarily complicated cup of coffee, Princess Twilight Sparkle was about ready to abdicate her throne, go down to Bon Bon’s candy store, and eat her way through all of the leftover inventory.

The faint ruffling of leaves on her book distracted her for a moment, then the magical energy grew into a blazing flash of light in the middle of the History section, and when she could see again, Flash Sentry blinked back at her.

He looked rather odd, with a bouquet of snow roses stuffed in his mouth, a box of chocolates tucked under one wing, and a solid gallon of butter-nut ice cream sitting on his back, but the baffled expression in his eyes told the whole story.

“Let me guess, Flash,” said Twilight with a brief moment to rest a hoof against her forehead. “You were moping around the Crystal Empire on this day of all days, and you had the misfortune of wandering into Princess Cadence’s line of sight.

He nodded.

She sighed, but with a smile.

Getting to her hooves, she headed for the door. “Come on, let’s get the ice cream into the freezer and see what she sent for chocolates. Then we can talk for a while before you catch the train—” Twilight sighed again and rolled her eyes “—for the trip back. Seriously, give the Goddess of Love the ability to teleport somepony else, and she gets all shippy.”

“Are you going to smear lipstick around my face again?” asked Flash from around the roses.

“It makes her happy,” explained Twilight Sparkle. “And you don’t mind, do you?”

“Not at all. I mean, no I think I can tolerate it.” Flash gave a little concealed smile as he trotted along behind Twilight Sparkle on the way to the kitchen.

Best Hearts and Hooves day yet.

From a random thought

The Empress's' New Clothes (the short MLP version)

"Princess Cadence is naked!" declared one small colt along the parade route.

There was a short pause, everypony shrugged, and the procession proceeded as planned

From Kudzu’s blog post on how to get premium appt. space in Canterlot
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/705603/how-to-solve-space-issues-in-a-crowded-city-like-canterlot-

Paper Pusher had barely swallowed away the nausea due to his trip through the magical doorway before the real estate agent was nudging him forward. "Don't worry about any inner ear disturbances caused by the reduction spell, sir. After several trips, the residents of Diminutive Estates hardly notice. Plus, it keeps out unauthorized visitors, since the transformation spell will not affect anypony without a key." Once they had passed through the glass atrium, Platt swept a hoof around the open area that was revealed. "Well, sir. Welcome to Diminutive Plaza. How do you like it?"

On the outside, the building had only looked like an ordinary two-story residence with the requisite number of windows and an exterior of plain blocked granite, much like hundreds of expensive house rentals in Canterlot. On the inside...

Rows of doors and interior walkways extended upwards of twenty or thirty floors, all opening up on a central green park with trees and a small pond containing a few boats floating around it. Above it all, a huge glass skylight allowed the bright noon sun to fill the entire plaza with warm and comfortable lighting. At normal size, the luxurious housing complex would have easily covered two or three city blocks, and even getting a look inside would have cost Paper more bits than he earned in a month. It was a stunning view, and well under Paper Pusher's estimated housing allowance with more than a few bits left over. There was just one problem.

"Spi—" he stammered, pointing with one hoof. "S-s-spi..." Ending with a shriek, the prospective renter turned tail and ran as if all the hounds of Tartarus were in pursuit. It made Platt frown and look in the direction his escaped meal ticket had just pointed at, and when he saw it too, he gave a fierce frown.

"All right," bellowed Platt, pointing at the gigantic creature crawling down the inner wall of the apartment complex. "Somebody didn't pay attention to the 'No Pets' clause in the lease. Who owns that tarantula?"

From Bad Horse’s Breaking Peaved, about Fluttershy’s role in the town
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/332780/breaking-peeved

"So what does she--" started Twilight before being cut off by Mayor Mare.

"Keeps the lesser urlocks out of Ponyville," declared the mayor in her most declarative voice. "For that, she gets a salary of two hundred bits a month, plus incidentals. Now, I'm sure you have questions about the rest of the budget, Princess Twilight, so let's just--"

"What's an urlock?" asked Twilight Sparkle with a frown. "I don't seem to remember them from the Wildlife of the Everfree Forest book in the library. That is before it was blown up." She looked up to see the mayor looking back, with a faint but well-hidden hint of absolute panic lurking in the back of her eyes.

"You. Don't. Want. To. Know." The mayor cleared her throat and pointed to the budget again. "As I was saying..."

Kris Overstreet’s post on Changeling Space Program
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/704170/first-on-the-moon-or-how-important-05-seconds-can-be

...because it was too dangerous, even on paper, to consider.

Chrysalis came around the corner of the hallway to see Cherry Berry, or at least a pony who looked like Cherry Berry, reaching around a doorway with a long stick. The stick was easy to identify, because it was a stick, but the pony, less so. Normally, the colorful creatures would be easy to pick out by their color code and the convenient label on their rump, but this one was totally wrapped in padding, wearing a helmet, and had some sort of plexiglass plate propped up in front of her as a shield.

She did not want to ask the question, but she had to, even though all Chrysalis wanted to do was turn around and pretend she didn't see anything.

"What are you doing?"

"Using a mirror to read a fuel mixture chemical breakdown of lithium-borohydride in hydrazine sent to us from the Cabinet Secretary in Canterlot," hissed the pony in a voice that sounded a lot like Cherry. "It's the only way we'd get Stack 17 off the pad and to the moon, but it's very dang—"

Whatever she was going to say next was blotted out by a titanic explosion that filled the hallway with smoke and knocked Chrysalis backwards, not really from the blast but from the blastee, as Cherry still had substantial V upon impact, but the padding prevented any serious damage to either of them.

Once all the coughing and counting of limbs was complete, Chrysalis fixed the now unpadded pilot with a fierce glower. "Cabinet Secretary?"

Cherry nodded.

"Ye gads." Chrysalis shook her head. "I'd hate to see what your munitions experts are up to."

From a random thought
Celestia (In a panic) It's a wrinkle, Luna ! This is a disaster!
Luna: 'Tis simply a laugh line, dearest sister. Although..." Luna's magic touched Celestia on the back and came out with a single white-ish hair "Your coat does a good job of disguising them, but you must really see about some dye."

From Mr. Numbers The four horsemen are actually children
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/701886/flash-fiction-until-regular-posts-resume

The summer rain fell gently upon the Carousel Boutique in a peaceful thrumming, a carefree break from the baking heat and humidity of the season that any pony would find relaxing. Any pony except for young students out on summer break, of course.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders lay slouched across Sweetie Belle’s bed while staring out of the window, waiting for the interminable rain to quit so they could go back to their favorite outdoor activity, i.e. anything that wasn’t an indoor activity.

“It’s probably a good thing we’re staying inside today, girls,” said Sweetie Belle with a sniff and a wipe of her nose that left a glistening yellow trail across the back of her hoof. “I really don’t feel like crusading outside today anyway. I’m probably going to wind up with tubes in my ears if this keeps up.”

“Again?” grumbled Scootaloo. She tapped against the window with one hoof while looking upwards for a flash of color, or perhaps a premature hole in the cloud cover. “Well, I suppose I wouldn’t get to go outside today either, since I’m grounded.”

“You shouldn’t have been fighting with Diamond Tiara again,” warned Apple Bloom. She dug underneath the bed and dragged out her saddlebag, but a quick search did not reveal what she was looking for. “Durn it. Ah’m out of apples. Do you think we can go down to the kitchen and get some snacks from your sister, Sweetie?”

“In a little bit.” Sweetie Belle leaned up next to the glass and blew out to fog up one of the panes, leaving behind a faintly greasy spot once the condensation evaporated. “Yeah, I need to get another glass of juice anyway. Come on.”

The three Cutie Mark Crusaders trudged down the stairs, leaving behind a dented and scratched scooter leaning up against the window. A few hairs decorated its metal surfaces from residents of Ponyville who had not moved fast enough when they heard the buzzing of tiny wings, but it had not tasted blood yet.

But soon. Very soon.

From Kudzu’s Cookie Court
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/352811/1/a-day-in-the-cookie-court/just-one-cookie-thats-all-you-get

I really expected Gosling to summarize what was wrong to the little squirt as "The Crown sends tax money for new textbooks every year, so if your school isn't getting new textbooks, that money is going somewhere it shouldn't. Think of it as a leak in the money pipe, and I'm--"

"A plumber?" The foal squinted at him. "You're weird. Nice, but weird."

Seriously, I can hardly wait until Prince Gosling goes to talk to the textbook manufacturers.

Gosling rubbed his forehead. The hair on his coat was starting to thin there, and if he kept it up, he was going to have an embarrassing bald spot before he was even old enough to grow a good mustache. "So the textbooks you sell to Equestrian school now cost more because they're 'enhanced' for the modern age?"

"Yes, Your Highness," said the small, mousy stallion on the other side of the table. It was a table piled with 'Sample' copies of his company's books, all of which Gosling had briefly flipped through and none of which looked familiar from his fairly recent time in school.

"These enhancements you're so proud of include an update service for any current historical events, such as Luna's return," added Gosling before hefting a fairly thin history book and opening it up to the back. "In this case, the return of Princess Luna well over two years ago, which your modern and up-to-date history book refers to by way of stapling the official press release from the Crown onto the back cover."

"Yes, Your Highness. The updated edition will be out next year, when the previous edition expires."

"And by expires," said Gosling, his lips thinning into narrow lines, "you refer to the fading enchantment with which all of your 'enhanced' editions use so the schools have to re-order their textbooks from you every single year or be faced with a shelf full of blank pages. And not just history books. Math, science, alchemstry..."

"It's only fair," said the textbook representative. "They're only licensed for a year, and the schools get a rebate for sending the blank books back."

"Five bits each," said Gosling. "A princely sum, considering the new book costs five hundred bits!"

http://www.fimfiction.net/group/50/the-writers-group/thread/287975/discussion-nazi-germany---writing-research

Equestria : 1940 (By the way, this is going to be a story eventually. I’ve got something like six chapters drafted with four near final editing.)

5618283 You know, there's a good chunk of potential in the alternate history here, although I'd nix the "Celestia raises the sun and moon" idea and replace it with a little Ra the Sun God meme as being revered for doing it, even though she doesn't, and can't get her ponies to stop crediting her for it.

You could start with a small colony of earth ponies who returned with Leif Erickson and lived in Iceland until disease and warfare wiped them out. Later, in the era of Christopher Columbus, a loose pegasus named Corrigan is blown by a storm into Spain/Portugal, taken to Isabella and Ferdinand's court, and eventually (darned language) reveals the location of the Equestrian homeland, an island about the size of Ohio in the middle of the Atlantic. (Because seriously, that's as big as it needs to be.) Columbus gets funding to take the wayward explorer home (and also check to see if their island can be used as a base for further exploration in the direction of the Far East, because sailing ships work best when they can stop to resupply every so often) You can segue into the various world powers deciding to nip off little chunks of the Equestrian Principality and the sharp nips that get delivered in return as Celestia attempts to remain neutral despite it all. Then The War To End All Wars where neutrality can no longer be maintained, and the amazingly popular sequel in which Unicorn translation spells make hash out of the German ULTRA codes and U-boat assaults are repulsed by pegasus patrols.

"No signs of allied patrols. All clear with a moonless night. Perfect hunting weather." The captain of U-79 rotated the periscope around one more time just to be sure and opened up his mouth to give the command to surface and recharge the batteries, only to jump back with a muffled curse.

"Captain?" The first officer did not leave his post, with his thumb over the intercom button ready to give the expected command, but he did eye Captain Hermann rather suspiciously. "Is it a patrol? Should we dive?"

The captain took a moment to catch his breath before walking deliberately up to the periscope and taking another look. This time, the huge yellow eye which had been looking back was not present, but there was a placard being held in front of the periscope lens.

"There's a pegasus holding a sign in front of the periscope," he explained. "U-79, you are in violation of the Equestrian neutrality zone. You are ordered to surface and surrender your vessel or..." He broke off as the periscope gave a distinctive rattle, much as if a necklace with an attached remote-control thaumaturgic bomb on it had just been looped over the pipe and slid down to rest right above his head.

Codex
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/350412/2/pony-courtship-rituals/chapter-two-chrysalis-prepares

(Chrysalis has put on perfume to go out on a date with Twilight)

This date was going to be perfect. The kind of date of which she’d dreamed of since she was a larva. There was just one problem.

“Twilight,” asked Chrysalis, “why do you keep looking around the restaurant and sniffing?”

“I can’t help it.” Once again, Twilight lifted her nose up in the air and took a series of sniffs. “There’s an overdue book around here, I just know it!”

“Oh.” Chrysalis thought for a long moment. “Oh!” She dug frantically in her purse, hoping her instincts were correct and cursing the the changeling who had given her the horrible, terrible advice.

I should have gone with the Eu de Dead Manticore.

She found the perfume bottle, and for one hopeful moment, Chrysalis thought she had been mistaken. There was the label, saying ‘Book’ in big, bold print, but when she folded back the corner of the label which had curled over, she found something truly terrible.

Eu de Overdue Book

Admiral Biscuit http://www.fimfiction.net/story/296543/1/not-another-clopfic/twilight-learns-about-courtship

Anypony who dates Twilight had better have a fairly large tolerance for being used (just a little) as a research subject.

All Flash could do was stare. "You told Princess Celestia?"

"Yes?" Twilight squirmed, seeming to inspect a fascinating section of floor tile. "I had to! She was my teacher for over a decade!"

"Well, if that's all you told, I suppose..." Flash Sentry broke off at the obviously guilty look Twilight was radiating out of every pore. "Don't tell me. Let me guess. Cadence."

"Actually... I told her third, because Princess Luna had a completely different view on what we did, and I needed a neutral third party to break the tie, such as it was." That floor tile was getting an even more intense inspection now, as Twiight's nose was almost low enough to touch it. "Boy, did she break the tie. Shattered it all over the place. Hours of talking about stallions and... Not my brother, though. We didn't talk about him. Or to him about it. Ever."

"Well..." Flash Sentry bit his bottom lip and considered his position before saying it out loud just to reassure his nervous brain. "So the three other Princesses of Equestria know, and that's it. At least that's all the ponies who know. I'd hate for Shining Armor to find out before we have enough time to get him used to the idea."

About five years should do it. And a fifth of scotch.

"Yeah," said Twilight. She rubbed her nose against the floor tile and sighed. "Unless he reads the article I wrote for Equestrian Physiology Review. It should be out tomorrow."

The best way to handle spoiler requests: http://www.fimfiction.net/group/50/the-writers-group/thread/283960/best-way-to-handle-spoiler-requests

Lord Morgraine Thissledown certainly filled up the casket, with all of the weight he had put on in the last weeks of his life. It had taken six stout ponies to lift it, and that was with a few nearby onlookers quietly adding a little bit of magical boost to their strength, and even then it made a ground-shaking thud when dropped next to the open grave for the final words.

"I thought I was going to break my back," whispered Thudmore to his brother Smirk. "What did he make that out of, lead?"

Smirk shrugged. "He was a little loopy in his last days. Made a lot of orders. Something about if you can't take it with you..."

Both earth ponies suddenly took a long, long look at the casket before Thudmore reached out one hoof and drew it along the side, revealing a long, golden line beneath the paint.

"I guess you can take it with you," said Smirk.

The Pride of Pegasi
free verse of visiting the cloud city
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/102166/2/lost-cities/the-fortress-city-of-the-clouds
comment: pegasus city is still Zephyns (Athens) which features the Partlynon (Parthenon) as the centerpiece

On a summer day wracked with clouds
grey and dank, a sweltering haze
I took to wing, and northward bent my path
Far from the realms of pony and griffon
to where only the ice would be my guide
Far beyond the mountains of glass
Farther even past the heaving ice-packed seas
until the winds bore only me and none other
save one, a shadow in the frozen mist
far, far above where mortal wings dared
I reached, I grasped, I nearly fled
as I recognized that ghostly spectre
The ancient city of the pegasi, lost to the ages
drifting with the wind
home to naught but the dead and their ghosts
I could hear their voices in the wind
as it whistled through the decaying bones
of visitors long ago, left bleaching in the sun
They peeked out from

(with apologies to Percy Bysshe Shelly)
My name is Hurricane, Ruler of the Sky:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level clouds stretch far away

Twilight’s Greatest Fear http://www.fimfiction.net/group/50/the-writers-group/thread/284687/fears

There was a bite of chill in the evening air as Princess Twilight curled up in her bed and reached out with her magic to close the shutters on the window. A crystal castle was amazing, but as winter approached, it was looking to get quite chilly, and once the snow began to blow, she was afraid she was going to wake up some morning to a few snowdrifts in her bedroom.

“Warming spells,” she muttered, crawling under the chilly covers and pulling them all the way up to her nose. “I was reading some notes on them just last month. Where did I put them?”

She would have called for Spike, except he was curled up in the next room and already fast asleep. Besides, after a moment of thought, she remembered where she had put the book last. Sticking one hoof out into the chilly air, she reached underneath the bed in the muddle⁽*⁾ of books she had stuck there and began to work her way down the collection by touch.
(*) A muddle is much like a heap, only organized by the Dewhoof Decimal System.

“History,” she murmured. “Equestrian Lit. Fashion. Really need to get that one back to Rarity sometime. Biology.”

Twilight stopped and poked the book a few times. It was very un-booklike, as it was somewhat smooth and covered with small scales. She poked it again with one hoof before starting to crawl out of bed with a muttered, “Spike, you said you were a big dragon now and didn’t need to sleep in my room any more, but if you really want to—”

She cut off abruptly as Twilight Sparkle got a better look under the bed.

It was not Spike.

Her scream woke up half of Ponyville.

*

“Out!” declared Twilight, standing in the doorway of her bedroom and pointing at her bed with one stern hoof.

Fluttershy frowned and bit her bottom lip in an adorable pout which was not having much effect on her friend. “But your fight with Tirek tore up so many of the creatures’ dens, and you always said, you’re willing to give a friend in need a place to stay.”

“I’ll dig him a new tunnel if I have to,” snapped Twilight, still pointing an unyielding hoof. “I’ll dig him two, just get your snake OUT FROM UNDER MY BED! He’s not welcome here!”

“Can she at least leave her eggs here until spring?” asked Fluttershy with an uncomfortable fidget.

*

Rarity only stumbled a little on her way down the stairs to answer the strenuous knocking on the front door of her boutique, but her yawning cut off abruptly as she caught sight of Princess Twilight Sparkle standing in her doorway wearing flower-print pajamas and holding a pillow.

“I need a place to stay for a few years,” said Twilight. “With no snakes.”

From MyLittleEconomy
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/684277/other-ways-season-6-could-have-ended-spoilers

"Thorax?"

"Yes, Your Majesty?"

"Remember when I came up with this genius plan where you would befriend everypony in the Crystal Empire and we would put on this clever show about how giving love can turn all the changelings good, and how it would ensure all of the changelings would have enough love to consume forever?"

"You came up with--? Oh! Yes. Your plan. Most certainly your plan. Yes, I remember."

"Remember when I asked about what shapes and colors these 'good' changelings would change into in order to fool the ponies?"

"Yes, Your Majesty. You said I was to just deal with the problem and get out of your room before you had me eviscerated."

"Right. Now that it's all over, I just have one question. Are you color-blind?"

"Since hatching, Your Majesty."

"I thought so."

From Kudzu’s blog (discussing his need to write a ‘Mature’ fic)
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/695557/a-pubic-service-announcement

You Can Lead a Nerd To Water

Description: All of Twilight Sparkle's friends agree that she really needs to get laid. There's only one problem: Twilight Sparkle.

"Look, Twi." Rainbow Dash held a hoof up in front of Twilight's eyes. "It's undeniable. You've been out-nerding yourself for the last few weeks. You reorganized all of the bookshelves in our houses! Twice! Starlight's off in the Crystal Empire getting some, and Spike's with Cadence until she gets back, so we've got a week to get you some action so you don't drive us all crazy!"

"It's not that bad," protested Twilight. "Besides, Applejack only had one book in her library." Her eyes tracked the nearby shelf and she gave a minor twitch. "There's a book out of place over there, so if you would untie me for just a minute."

"Ain't doin' it," said Applejack with a huff. "That there's my best rope, and you're staying in it until you agree to peg some poor stallion and calm down. Heck, do a mare for all I care. And leave my copy of Apples, Apples, Apples alone," she added with an additional huff.

“I can provide you with a list of potential romantic pairings if you’re shy, darling.” Rarity produced a sheaf of paper and placed it on the desk with a thud. “You can think of it as a checklist of sorts, complete with their favorite quirks and—” she coughed into one hoof “—preferences.”

"It's only natural," said Fluttershy. "You'll feel a lot better afterwards, and you'll quit trying to alphabetize all of my creature friends while they're sleeping. You just need to get some… some."

“And it will be fun!” said Pinkie Pie, bouncing around her tied-up friend. “You can even keep the rope if you want and take turns.”

Twilight Sparkle ceased her struggles with the rope and hung her head. "Okay, you're my friends, and I should listen to your advice. Just one thing." She lowered her voice. "What is 'getting some'?"

4. Brevity is the Soul of Twit

Author's Note

More little flickers of wit from your local half-wit. Enjoy.

4. Brevity is the Soul of Twit

Thoughtletts
Brevity is the Soul of Twit—

On the Writers Group question on how to handle red and black alicorns
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/50/the-writers-group/thread/339146/question-on-black-and-red-alicorns

Mucha Luchador meets Equestria! I would imagine red and black is a popular color combo there.

"Ladies and gentlecolts!" bellowed the announcer's voice from the huge speakers all around the ring. "Announcing for one night only! The most feared wrestler in the entire league, banned in seven countries and here only with an exception signed by the Princesses themselves. The one! The only! Crimsoooooonnn Tiiiiiied!"

The spotlights that had been flashing around pivoted up into the rafters of the arena where.... something lurked in the shadows, bathing in the frenzied applause from the audience and the chants that spontaneously started and grew.

"Tied! Tied! Tied!"

Just when it seemed as if the arena was about to erupt into a riot, the hidden pony in the rafters took a step forward into the spotlights and looked down at his masked opponent in the opposite corner of the ring. Applejack's voice caught in her throat and she jabbed an elbow into Rainbow Dash at the cost of getting a face full of feathers. "That red feller up there in the rafters with all the black stripes and such. Don't he look familiar?"

"Are you kidding!" screamed Rainbow Dash back. "That's the Alicorn of Agony, the Prince of Pain, King of Destruction! Every fight he's had, he's won by knockout, even the ones where they put two or three ponies against him!"

Applejack mentally compared the fairly meek pegasus stallion who animal-sat for Fluttershy when she was on Element business against the massive collection of muscles flexing in the light of the spotlights. He did look a little like Bulk Biceps, although he was wearing a massive padded horn protector and heavy covers over his wings, secured by what appeared to be log chains and a dozen padlocks, and topped off with enough red to his coat and mane that he almost looked like he was on fire. She did not get very long to observe the massive alicorn, if he was one, because Crimson Tide jumped from the rafters to the screams of the audience, and landed with a massive crash on his corner, buckling the mat and making his opponent bounce by recoil right out of the ring.

"Did you see that landing?" screamed Rainbow Dash right in Applejack's ear. "That's murder on the knees."

On the story Why Do We Have Guards by All Art Is Useless
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/389339/why-do-we-have-guards

Celestia: Look, Luna. I hate to admit it, but... You play Ogres and Oblates, right?
Luna: Well... Yes. The small dragon introduced me to the game. It is quite invigorating.
Celestia: Oh, good. Well, the Royal Guards have been... built on a point system for years.
Luna: Well, that makes... no sense at all. They're dumb as posts.
Celestia: Int is a dump stat.
Luna: They have no common sense at all.
Celestia: So is Wisdom.
Luna: They're incompetent at combat--
Celestia: No dots in weapon skills at all.
Luna: --and furthermore, they could not spot an assassin if he or she were to wear a shirt proclaiming such.
Celestia: (shakes her head) Terrible spot rolls. No points--
Luna: Spent in that either. Yes, I know. So what do they have points invested in?
Celestia: (long silence)
Luna: Celly. You didn't? (looks at the sheets of paper that she's passed) Oh. You did. Well. That's... different. Ahem. (flips through the sheets and passes one of them back. ) I will be taking a walk in the gardens this evening. See to it that this one is available.

Posh’s blogpost on Season 7, Episode 24, Uncommon Bond where Starlight Glimmer gets her waifu rustled
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/768561/s7e24

"That was a lot of fun, Starlight." Sunburst could not keep from smiling, and had no reason to. "Seven games of Dragon Pit with you and your friends. I've never felt younger."

Starlight held open the door to his room in the castle and returned his smile with interest. "Good! I'm glad you had fun. I've just got one more game I want to play before bedtime."

"Another game?" asked Sunburst. "Isn't it a little late?"

"Nonsense," scoffed Starlight. "After all, it's been years since we've been together. Just one more game? Please?"

"Well..." Sunburst looked into Starlight's eager eyes and felt his willpower crumble. "It depends. What game did you want to play."

"Doctor!" declared Starlight, closing the door behind them.

From comments on The Sweet Spot, where Tempest gets her cutie mark in soda pop
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/388815/the-sweet-spot

The Cutie Mark Crusaders sat on the front stoop of the boutique, looking out over Ponyville as the sun slowly descended. It was a thoughtful moment, worthy of deep consideration, which was promptly ruined by Scootaloo speaking up.

"So... All of those bottles from Twilight's lab were supposed to be empty, right Sweetie Belle?"

"Yeah." Sweetie Belle heaved a deep sigh. "I know, I should have checked the bottoms first."

"It's not your fault," said Apple Bloom with the practiced cadence of somepony who was used to saying those words a lot. "Anypony could have missed the precip.. prepec..."

"Precipitate," said Sweetie. "It's what's left at the bottom when a potion is mixed."

"Ah knew that," said Apple Bloom. "I just couldn't remember the word." She lifted her head to look around the quiet town, then heaved a matching sigh. "Obviously, this is Twilight's fault for leaving unlabeled bottles around."

"Not ours," said Scootaloo. "Most certainly not our fault. Again."

"It was a pretty impressive result, though." Apple Bloom looked at the Ponyville paths with oranges scattered on them, the restaurant with oranges sitting on the seats, and the marketplace, which was practically covered in oranges, all with slight color differences that matched the ponies they had been before. "You don't think they'll all be mad at us when Twilight comes up with a counterspell, do you? Since it's really her fault."

As a response to Applejack’s New Security System in which she buys a hippo, which is a sequel (Yes, really) of Rarity and the Rhinoceros. Yes, you have to read them.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I can see the Giant Roc perching on your tower from here.
Please tell Luna this won't end well.

Your fellow princess,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight Sparkle,
Birdzilla is mine.
I purchased him to keep the population of Giant Squid in Canterlot under control.
Luna never has been very practical about pets. I told her writing to the address on the back of her cereal box was a bad idea.

Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
P.S. Come on up to the castle sometime and we'll have breakfast. We have enough scrambled eggs for all of your friends, too.

Present Perfect’s blog about Scootaloo living with her aunts
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/767248/so-if-scootaloo-lives-with-her-aunts

Twilight Sparkle stood on the top of her castle with Rainbow Dash to one side, both staring off into the night sky in different directions.

"You think it was the right decision?" asked Rainbow Dash. "I mean I know Scootaloo wanted to be with her parents, but splitting those three up..."

"It's part of growing up," said Twilight in a firm voice with a little quiver at the bottom that indicated she was not as determined as she wanted to be. "Sweetie Belle needs to develop her magic in Celestia's academy, and Scootaloo needs to spend time with other pegasi her age."

"Other pegasi her age are mean, self-centered brats," said Rainbow Dash bluntly. "I should know. Besides, you could have taught Sweetie Belle everything about magic she needed to know, and I could teach Scoots how to be more awesome than any stupid-old school."

"Maybe," admitted Twilight. "It probably would have been less expensive."

No more words were exchanged for a long time, as the two friends stood side-by-side on the castle roof, looking into the distance and watching Canterlot and Cloudsdale burn.

Now, I thought that was pretty good, until FanOfMostEverything promptly topped me with the logical zinger.

Eventually, Rainbow Dash pointed at a much closer fire. "So how do you explain that?"
"I'm pretty sure Apple Bloom just didn't want to feel left out." Twilight squinted as she examined the blaze. "Also, I'm pretty sure Applejack wanted to tear down that barn anyway."

From Present Perfect’s blog on Uncommonly Boned (about the movie)
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/766725/uncommonly-boned-episode-spoilers

Now after criticizing you for mis-reading the first line of one of my stories, I go and read this title as "Uncommonly Bond (Episode Spoilers) and think, "Wow, that's an interesting crossover."

"Thank you for arriving so quickly, sir," said Twilight Sparkle, looking just a little nervous at the concept of a human being walking through the Castle of Friendship, and in particular, in her own library. "When I asked Princess Celestia for help with this friendship problem, I had no idea she would... um... pass on my request to other royalty."

"For Queen and country. Can I get you anything, Miss Sparkle?" The man continued to pour and measure in the minibar that Twilight had never realized was a part of her library. Why would a crystal castle even have a minibar in the library, anyway? This place really needed an owners manual. Or maybe it had one, and Spike already ate it.

"No, thank you. Well, maybe a mineral water. And an olive, with a twist of lime. Thank you, Mister...?" Twilight paused as the man swept a full glass onto the table (with coaster too, how considerate) in front of her and made himself comfortable on the cushion to her other side.

"Bond," he said. "James Bond."

From Matthewl419’s review of Bubble Blossoms
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/763203/review-115-bubble-blossoms

First comment: And in the distance, the Ponyville Golden Oak library sits in the moonlight, lamenting the loss of her long and fruitful life while enjoying the tread of scholars along her floors and the joy of an alicorn princess among her branches.

Mocha Star: Oh.
My.
Gosh...
Did someone just tell me to write a story?!

Me again: You may consider that, yes. Somebody prodded me to write it, and I'm about two years behind on existing projects, so I'll pass the poke along.

In the center of Ponyville, under the light of the moon and stars, a tree dreamed of times long past. Of storms and summers, of patrons walking quietly among her shelf-lined walls and the loud cries of the young. Of books, lined and straight, filled with the knowledge of ponies long dead and awaiting a chance to live again in the hooves of an interested reader. Of rain and sunshine and wind, the droning of bees in her leaves, and the touch of the snow upon her crown. She was the queen of all she surveyed, ruler and guiding hoof, a refuge for weary souls battered by the world and a beacon of learning for the hungry masses. But once, long ago, before she had bark and leaves to surround her precious treasure, she was something else.

Something smaller, and more frail.

Libris dreamed of when she was a pony.

Cheerimee by Posh
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/757756/cheerimee

It makes Cheerilee only look better when you realize the comics have her as the valedictorian of Canterlot's high school, and she decided to go into elementary education in a small town rather than molecular biology in Manehattan or something.

The Road Not Taken.

While the rest of her students stampeded onto the next stop on the museum tour, Cheerilee took a moment to stretch out her hocks and enjoy the moment of peace and quiet. Her eyes were drawn to the mirror behind the flimsy velvet rope, and the haunting words their tour guide had said. The Road Not Taken.

Taking a quick glance around to make sure she was not being observed, Cheerilee reached out a hoof. After all, it could not hurt to see—

She looked into the mirror at a matching Cheerilee, only this one was wearing a snappy business suit with small neck ruff and designer shoes, caught in exactly the same pose. The two mares looked at each other, school teacher to highly-paid professional, before Cheerilee mouthed the words, "Was it worth it?"

Her rich counterpart hesitated, checking over her shoulder at the empty room before looking back at Cheerilee with tired eyes, bloodshot from long hours spent at her job. She shook her head slowly, then mouthed back the same words.

"Miss Cheerilee!" Diamond Tiara bounded into the doorway of the exhibit room and pointed frantically at where the rest of the students had gone. "Scootaloo is headed for the aeronautics section with that look in her eyes again. Her friends are delaying her, but I think she wants to see if the gliders work. Hurry up!"

Cheerilee smiled and nodded at the wealthy pony in the mirror. "Yes!" she mouthed. "Consider a career change." Turning back to Diamond Tiara, Cheerilee started to sprint into the rest of the museum. This was the road she had taken, and she had no regrets.

Daedalus Aegle Blog on the Triple Threat episode
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/756458/second-thoughts-triple-threat

The entire group of friends stared at the crystal map for a very, very long time before any of them dared to speak. Of course, it was Starlight Glimmer.

"I'm afraid I don't recognize the cutie mark that's floating around Twilight's castle next to her cutie mark there on the map."

"That's—" Spike cut off at Twilight’s fierce glare.

"—None of your business," finished Twilight Sparkle. "The map is obviously broken. I'll work on it this afternoon." She glared at her own cutie mark, which was strobing quietly.

"You've been working for weeks without a break," said Starlight, casting a quick look at the rest of Twilight's friends, who universally were keeping their mouths shut for some reason. "You're stressed out to the point of losing it, and if there's anything that—" She pointed to the map, then paused. "I should know that mark," she mused quietly. "Why don't you let me look over the map while you take a break, Twilight. Go make some tea, take a nap or something. I've never seen another pony so much in need of getting laid before in my life."

"Princess Twilight!" Flash Sentry's voice echoed through the castle, along with the rapid clatter of his hooves somewhere out in the main hallway. "This is an emergency! My cutie mark started flashing, and Cadence sent me here to find out what was wrong. Oh, and she sent along a bottle of wine and a box of chocolates. Do you know what's going on?"

From my blog (hey, that counts) on the 2017 eclipse
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/756206/eclipse-day-oh-wait

"Behold the stellar glory of a solar eclipse, that rare occasion when the moon passes in front of the sun... at the breakfast table." Celestia peered over her sister, who was closely examining the jars of jam in the cabinet, which of course she had to lean over Celestia's chair in order to see. "Luna, it really doesn't matter what kind of jelly you pick for your pancakes if you let them get cold." Getting no immediate response, she rolled her eyes and muttered, "I'm being mooned. At breakfast."

When the sun goes out in Equestria, it isn't always something disastrous. Sometimes, it's just a bulb.

A good day also to plug Estee's A Total Eclipse of the Fun and Pinta's The Art of Eclipse Engineering

From Posh’s blog on Teach Me Goodness (an excellent story)
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/756124/teach-me-self-reflective-blog-posts

Free the Fruits! Let the vines breathe without the weight of oppressive harvesting! Down with cruel farming methods that steal the children of these innocent plants and sacrifice them to the ravenous hunger of the hippopatriarchy! Errr.... Hippomatriarchy!

Applejack lined up for the first kick of the morning harvest, feeling the crisp air in every hair of her coat and the damp grass underhoof. This was what it meant to be a farmer, and there was nothing in Equestria she liked doing better.

That feeling lasted only until her hooves slammed into the tree trunk, the same way she had bucked trees for years, only this time, the tree screamed.

It was a piercing cry of agony, followed by dozens of pipping little voices from every apple buckets where the fruit of the tree had fallen. It was hard to pick out the individuals from the overwhelming crying and weeping, but she could swear each of the plump red apples was calling out, "Mama! Mama!" while the tree sobbed in the background.

From Admiral Biscuit’s blog posting on Science II and a comment made by FOME
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/752823/science-ii

4623550 ... or even a story about the possible supernatural properties of alicorn stool.

"Twilight." Spike nudged his roommate/adopted mother/sister/hatch-er with one shoulder until she looked up from the book she was reading. "I was thinking. We've been living in this library tree for over a year now, right?"

"One year, three weeks, and a day," said Twilight, placing a wing over her book so she would not lose her place. "Since it's been just over three weeks since Pinkie Pie threw us that anniversary party. Why do you ask?"

"It's just something Applejack mentioned to me while we were at the party." Spike bit his bottom lip and put his comic book to one side. "She said every other house and business in Ponyville is attached to the town septic system except for the library."

"Oh, really?" Twilight thought about it for a moment. "The sinks, toilets, and bathtub must drain into the library root system, keeping it watered and fertilized in exchange for the tree providing storage and shelter for the library. It would seem like a very advantageous system for a tree."

"Uh-huh. And that means for the last year, the tree has been getting fertilized with dragon poop, and now with alicorn poop too, right?"

"Spike, don't use the word poop." Twilight frowned. "But yes, the tree would have been using our... waste for that amount of time. Why are you bringing that up now?"

"Well, for the last few months, I've been finding evidence that somepony else has been reading my comic books." Spike picked up a dry oak leaf out of his comic and held it up. "Or sometree."

From Black Hole Sun (And Wash Away the Rain) by SPark (and influenced by More Precious Than Silver or Gold, my Cadence of Cloudsdale guest author piece.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/380618/black-hole-sun

There is a... point, I suppose is the word, that I intend on writing sometime to go with Skywriter's excellent Cadence of Cloudsdale story, at the point in time where Mi Amore Cadenza is brought into Canterlot from the Abbey of the Sisters of Song, and wakes up the next day to an entire new world, so different than the last centuries she has been living in isolation. The 'pearl' analogy is something that struck me as being a parallel between the two characters.

I look at the majestic creature who stands over me, all feathers and floating mane with the love and adoration of a whole world at her back and the sun overhead. Where I am Love just barely pushed into the world to stand on wobbly hooves, she is the immortal Sky who has been here forever, the life and warmth to all ponies under her rule. And yet, there is something missing, a hardness that shields her from the world, projecting a glossy image that does not match the pony inside. Much like an oyster will conceal a pain deep inside it, something has hurt her long, long ago, and she has remained alone in this castle ever since, wrapping that pain in layers of will until nopony can see anything but the beautiful pearl she displays to the world.

From Pineta’s blog on Dark Matter
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/750221/the-many-ways-to-search-for-dark-matter-with-a-picture-of-luna

You know, I read that as The Particle Physics Gardening Blog

Twilight Sparkle looked around the empty section of rock farm and considered it against her knowledge (admittedly small) of farming. "So, Pinkie. Is this section of ground held fallow for some reason, or did it just get harvested?"

"Oh, no. This is our Sub garden." Pinkie bounced from place to place in the featureless expanse of dark soil, each time landing with only one hoof on the ground. "Don't flap your wings, Twilight, or you'll blow the crop all around. We have Fermitons in this section, and all kinds of Quarks over here, but— No, Twilight! Don't walk there!"

Twilight Sparkle stopped abruptly about a half-heartbeat before she tried to stop, then tried to turn before she turned, and eventually looked over at her pink friend in complete perplexion. "?no gniog s'tahW !eikniP"

"The whole Chronoton harvest," she moaned. "Don't worry, Twilight! I'll go get an endochronic rake out of the shed and clear you a path out. Um... !thgiliwT ,kcab thgir eb ll'I !evom t'noD"

From AlicornPriest’s Writer’s Workshop on Chess
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/750195/writers-workshop-chesscourt

"Ha!" Hench regarded the chess board with no small amount of glee, seeing a light at the end of the long, dark tunnel. He may have been an incompetent minion and an inadequate gunner (as the heroes who escaped on the airship would be willing to testify), but he did know how to play chess. Lord Slaughter had just moved his queen into an attack against the defenses Hench had spent a half-hour putting together, and although it was fairly obvious what he was planning to do, Hench had planned ahead of the Dark Master by about three moves. Fourteen pieces were going to get captured in this exchange, and then it was checkmate for the black king. He reached out for his white knight with a growing smile, then stopped.

"Um. Master? One question."

"Yes, minion?" The Dark Lord lifted his eyes from the report he was reading, then stamped it with the 'Find them and kill them' stamp before passing it off to another minion of the paperwork variety.

"You said we were going to play for my life, which I kinda-sorta presumed meant I needed to win in order to survive, but you never said so in that many words. What happens if I..." His voice trailed off despite Minion's best efforts when the Dark Lord gave a low chuckle.

"Return to your station, minion," he rumbled. "You will practice with the Death Ray before we meet those inconsiderate pests again, will you not?"

"Every available minute, Your Horribleness." Hench bowed and scrambled back to his chair, thankful that the Dark Lord had not only assigned The Rules of an Evil Overlord as required reading, but had read it himself.

5. Purple Pain

Thoughtletts
Be sincere, be brief, be seated.
— FDR

April Fools day is here again, and so it is time for me to put out another collection of the little presents I leave on other stories and blog posts in the vain hope that somebody else (other than me) will find them vaguely humorous.

Enjoy!

On a discussion that broke out in the Writer’s Group about pet peeves, with one of the commenters who did not like stories that refer to ‘Luna’s Moon’

https://www.fimfiction.net/group/50/the-writers-group/thread/356178/biggest-peeves-in-fan-fiction

"Ambassador Rusk," announced the brown-coated unicorn who opened the door. "May I present Her Serene Highness, Princess Luna. Princess, this is--"

"The human who has the audacity to proclaim a visit unto my celestial orb without first begging permission from me," said Luna, quickly stuffing a few small objects underneath a shoebox on the table before standing up. "Or more correctly, the minion of the arrogant man who hath made such a proclamation. Come in, ambassador. We would have words."

"There is little to say," started Dean Rusk as he made himself comfortable in the indicated chair, with the intimidating lunar princess quite a bit nearer than he expected on the other side of the table. Although the alicorn was slightly smaller than a human, her looming presence this evening gave him a sincere case of the jitters, as if the weight of the universe actually did rotate at her will, no matter how silly that sounded. "President Kennedy was quite sincere about the United States' goal of landing a man upon the moon and--"

"Our moon," said Luna in clipped tones.

"The moon is unclaimed territory," counted Ambassador Rusk. "You cannot stop us from expanding our space exploration program into a landing. No government--"

"Our moon," said Luna with even more force. "However, you seem to be laboring under a misconception. You see, we shall not stand in opposition of your country's noble goal of visiting our moon." Luna swept the cardboard box away to reveal several small plastic spaceships with model astronauts. "Provided we accompany any such expedition."

On Estee’s blog posting about balancing sports in Equestria and Hoofball (Also a Never The Final Word - Volume 2)
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/800019/patreon-blog-takeover-if-it-was-completely-fair-it-wouldnt-be-a-competition-balancing-sports-in-equestria-and-elsewhere-dinode

The locker room for the Canterlot Cavaliers was nearly silent except for the sound of turning pages and the odd whispering as certain hoofball players attempted to sound out the unusual words on their copy of the invitation. Finally, Wind Gust closed his copy and looked around at his fellow athletes.

"Dis rulebook is too short. Dey must have broke it up into pieces, on account of it ain't got no rules for most of our plays."

"Like the Flying Piledriver," said Static Block.

"Or the Mitzocanitic Blitz Incantation," said Esoteric. "In fact, this has to be a joke. The Interdimensional League? I've never heard of it before."

"They shipped us fifty-six kilograms of .999 pure gold for a down payment," said Assay Line, the team owner, who had been lurking in the corner ever since he passed out the duplicated invites. "Substantially more is due on our arrival, and if we win all three of our exhibition games at this venue, we'll clear more net than the gross for a whole season in Canterlot." The wealthy unicorn's lips curled back in a vicious grin, reminding all of the players that he had once been out on the field just like them, and had plowed more than his fair share of opponents into the turf despite being nominally a Canterlot Royal with a pinkish coat and frilly mane. "They said it would be a lot of fun teaching a bunch of little paisley ponies how to play their game."

There was a low growl that went around the locker room, the kind that would make a full-grown lion decide on rutabagas for lunch.

"I'm in," said Heavy Impact, the quarterback, with a gap-toothed grin. "I tink we can teach them a lot too about how to play—" Heavy squinted at the cover of the instruction manual "—Bloodbowl."

From Kris Overstreet’s The Maretian, a wonderful crossover between Changeling Space Program and The Martian movie
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/396744/the-maretian

Talking about dead rovers and what it takes to keep hardware going on the Red Planet:

It just takes some creative necromancy to keep a rover going on Mars past its design life.

Pathfinder IX crouched on the side of a rocky ridge and gingerly poked a whip antenna up, up a little further, up just a touch more. And still nothing. No radio signals at all from the nearby Chinese rover, which verified that it had shut down for the Martian winter in order to save batteries and the RTG pellets in its generators for the critical task of keeping warm. Still, P9 had not survived this long in the hostile environment of Mars without caution. It slunk out from cover, darting from rock to rock, ever alert for the smallest flicker of movement. Then, when it was close enough, it pounced.

Sharp metal contacts pierced the Chinese rover's thin skin, punching down into the tender, juicy, warm batteries below, and P9 drank deeply of their delicious current, stopping only when the drained rover flopped lifelessly into the dust. Pathfinder reveled in the warmth of fresh electricity for a brief moment before taking a precautionary look around, then proceeding on its ritual. A sharp aluminum stake, taken from the high-gain antenna of a Russian sampling mission was driven deep into the Chinese rover's CPU, and one quick snip of P9's arm sheared off the still-humming RTG, which it loaded onto its back. There was a long trip back to the stone cave where it would feast while waiting out the brilliance of daylight, then it would once again be time to prowl the Martian night and hunt.

From Pedro Hander’s story on drugs and nanotech that can reshape human bodies. Sometimes, badly
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/397152/over-the-counter-sparkles

Physician's note, Patient #49675 - Animale overdose

Blood tests done at admission show concentrations of Animale far in excess of LD50, and beyond what normal tissue should be able to retain. Normally, Animale dosage in excess of LD50 amounts will simply excrete by perspiration or urinary flow, but due to a quirk in this patient's biochemistry, we suspect retention of the nanomachines interacted with the chemical cues in an unknown manner. Unfortunately, upon returning to the patient's room to extradite him/her to a secure location for further detailed examination, we discovered him/her to be missing, despite all the windows and doors being verified as sealed. The only cue to the patient's whereabouts was a six-pointed star pattern burned into the hospital sheets and the lingering scent of lilacs. It is recommended that all records of this patient's admission be deleted, and any further requests for information to be directed to Animale's public information service.

Records deleted and sealed as per request

From Fuzzyfurvert’s blog post on winter, with a picture.
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/787919/merry-christmas-horsefudgers

https://derpicdn.net/img/view/2016/12/25/1324956__safe_artist-colon-invisibleink_sci-dash-twi_sunset+shimmer_twilight+sparkle_equestria+girls_absurd+res_christmas_clothes_converse_magic_shoes_.jpeg

"Sunset!" Twilight Sparkle burst into the apartment and dashed right by Sunset Shimmer, heading into the workroom that she had turned the second bedroom into. "Do you have a shotgun! Or a bazooka, that would work!"

Sunset moved to the open doorway and regarded the way Twilight had dove into the pile of spare parts and science projects that had been stored for 'repurposing' in the indefinite future. She was burrowing in much like a mad gopher, not even having taken off her coat and with both booted feet waving above her. "Twilight, I don't have any guns," she said in a calming voice, but loud enough to be heard over the sound of Twilight's burrowing.

"How about a flamethrower?" came Twilight's voice from under the pile. "We could knock one together from this flange, and these valves, but we'd need a lot of gasoline."

"No flamethrower either." She got a good grip on one booted foot and heaved, pulling the frantic teen out of the pile with a spray of radio circuit boards and wiring. "Now, what's got you in such a rush?"

Instead of Twilight, who was still panting in panic, Spike strolled up and spoke. "Remember when you two made that snowman yesterday, and you put that old silk hat on its head?"

"Yeah," said Sunset, suddenly aware of where the story was going. "Was there some magic in it?"

A bass bellow of rage split the air, shaking the window panes and making the ground shake to the tread of something truly massive and moving.

"Ya think?" Spike cocked his head to one side and regarded Sunset from the ground. "The further it travels, the more snow it picks up, so it's gotten a little biggley to just scoop apart."

"Oh. Oh!" Sunset grabbed Spike under one arm and Twilight by one hand. "Come on! Rainbow Dash's father has a snowplow on his truck, and I can hotwire it!"

Discussing the possibility that Twilight got face-sprayed by a certain Cadence product...
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/286/comedy/thread/344705/yuck

Undoubtedly, formula. In the magical land of Equestria, baby milk comes from a powder, and the other kind of milk comes from... talking cows, which is about as disturbing, I suppose. Otherwise, the foalsitting could get a little funky and PG rated.

"Thanks for foalsitting, Twilight!" Cadence kissed her fellow princess on the head and darted for the door. "Coming, dear! Hold the cab!"

"Goo, gaa, ma ma!" called out Flurry Heart, waving at her departing mother.

"Oh! Almost forgot!" said Cadence, stopping at the door and firing a spell back into the room. Twilight Sparkle was caught flat-hooved with her mouth open, and failed to dodge, but by the time she got back to her hooves, all she could hear of her sister in law was the fading voice calling out, "It's almost feeding time! Be careful, Twilight! She head-butts!"

"Feeding time?" Twilight shook her head and looked into the foal bag. "Diapers, diapers, empty bottles, EEEK!!"

While she had been distracted, Flurry Heart had snuck up on Twilight's hindquarters, allowing the adorable and strong alicorn foal to nurse on a part of Twilight's anatomy she had never really thought about using before. A larger portion of her anatomy, which was providing a solid flow of nutritious milk for her niece, as well as a new experience for the alicorn princess.

"That's... um... tickles, I suppose," said Twilight, looking down and to the back where the slobbery noises were coming from. "And feels weird. A lactation spell, I guess. Cadence could have at least warned me." Twilight smiled and blinked away a tear. "So this is what motherhood feels like."

Then, Cosmic Karma being the way it was, Flurry Heart, a little frustrated at the quality or quantity of the feeding, head-butted her right in the belly, knocking Twilight Sparkle into the ceiling.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/393492/twilight-sparkle-makes-a-coltfriend-literally
From my comments in the last chapter

Twilight Sparkle considered what her friend had just said. "So, you think that an emergency room visit somehow immunizes my dates against future damages from another date?"

"Darling, it's about the only possibility that comes to mind." Rarity flipped her mane back and ran one hoof down the actuarial tables. "See. Every one of these stallions visited the emergency room only *once* and only *after* your dates."

After due consideration, Twilight put forward, "So you're thinking I should put prospective dates into the hospital first before asking them--"

"No, no, no!" said Rarity, holding a hoof to her chest. "I mean the hospital is always looking for volunteers, and if you were to lurk... I mean assist with the treatment of Ponyville residents at the emergency room, you could select your dates when they were released, instead of putting them into admittance."

"That's... correct, I suppose." Twilight Sparkle sucked on her bottom lip. "How can I be sure there will be stallions in the emergency room that I'd like?"

"Darling," purred Rarity, quietly scooting the rolling pin behind her out of sight. "I can guarantee it."

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/393492/twilight-sparkle-makes-a-coltfriend-literally
From a comment where Kris Overstreet and djthomp comment on the idea that ponies could be turned into books

"Do you mean..." Twilight Sparkle could not speak any more, and just looked around at Princess Celestia's private library. Her huge private library.

"Every one of them," said Celestia. "Defeated in combat, or through a battle of wills, or one of many other methods. Their stories are their lives, and every one of them you've read have taught you important lessons to pass your own tests. I'm so proud of you, Twilight."

"Proud?" Twilight tore her eyes away from the living books and looked into the deep eyes of her mentor. "Because I found out about them?"

"No, of course not." Princess Celestia shook her head ever so slightly. "I'm proud because every test you've faced, every trial you've endured, you've never failed. Otherwise..." Those ancient pale eyes shifted, and Twilight Sparkle was unable to keep from following her gaze to a gap in the library shelves. A wide gap, colored the same lilac color as her own coat and awaiting the book which someday would reside on the shelves along with so many of its own kind.

"Do keep succeeding, Twilight," said Celestia in a very soothing tone as she nuzzled the ears of her former student. "I so enjoy the way you are now."

Twilight gets abducted by aliens and tested.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/158311/im-not-a-firefly

Knowing Twilight, she would examine the cylinder and the round hole, speculate upon their ultimate purpose, attempt to discern if the speed which one went into another was the basis of the test, or perhaps the accuracy of insertion. Maybe if the hole was just the smallest bit larger than the object, the goal was to put it through the hole *without* touching the sides, or if the cylinder were fractionally larger on one end than the other, it would stop half-way through, thus showing she was able to plug the hole, or maybe the object was fractionally larger than the hole, and was formed out of some substance that could be milled down by way of---

Bleznerk: "The subject seems paralyzed by the simple puzzle, Blortz. I thought you said it might display intelligence."
Blortz: "It has the brainspace and general stance of an intelligent creature. Er... Any idea why it is licking the test object?"
Bleznerk: "Not a clue. Dump the arboreal creature back into its tree and let's go play with the humans again. They're a lot more fun."

Bad Horse’s blog on comparisons wandered into strange territory.
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/771672/bad-horses-bad-advice-avoiding-comparisons

It is said that if you dropped two identical twin Marines into a featureless room, dressed the same, with the same gear, and at the same time, they will find something to argue about. The same was true about Marines dropped into a different dimension, assigned to stand watch in front of the US Embassy to the Principality of Equestria, although they did not argue at work.

No, this kind of argument was best held at a bar.

"I tell you, Lance. Humans got it easy, and I got ten reasons." Private Murphy wriggled his fingers, then got a good grip on his crystal tumbler full of excellent local beer and took a swig. "Them ponies got their advantages, like freaky magic and wings, but homo sapiens has them all beat. What we can't do by ourselves, we make tools to do."

"You're just upset that we're not supposed to date the locals," said Lance. "And as long as I'm in charge, you're just going to have to keep your hands to creatures with hands." He looked up, or more correctly, down due to the general height difference with the locals, at a young batpony mare who was strolling in their direction. Human females were limited to a single set of hips to sway, but a slinking batpony, with shuffling wings, attracted eyes like flowers attracted butterflies.

"I couldn't help but hear the two of you talking," she purred, flowing up onto the bar stool until she was seated on Lance's lap, keeping her position by judicious use of wings and hooftips so she could look him right in the eyes. "I know something ponies can do that humans can't, no matter what tools they invent."

"Really?" Lance leaned back a little and regarded the smirking batpony. "I find that hard to believe. I took shore leave in places where you could buy anything."

The batpony smiled, and then proceeded to lick her eyebrows.

"Welp, Lance," declared Murphy, standing up and dropping a handful of bits on the table. "I'll see you back in the barracks in a few hours. Later."

From Twilight Levels Up, where she discovers the Alicorn Talent Point Tree
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/391139/twilight-levels-up
Now also in https://www.fimfiction.net/story/387377/never-the-final-word-vol-2

Later...

"I just don't understand," said Twilight Sparkle, nearly inaudible due to the amount of frosting on the cupcake. "There are so many options with leveling up, which I didn't even know was possible. I could have even picked Increased Cupcake Consumption to go up the Cake tree, which I noticed Celestia had cleared right up to the top."

"It's a mystery," said Pinkie Pie from behind nearly a dozen cupcakes crammed into her face.

Twilight stopped, then very slowly turned to her friend. "Wait a minute. I recognized some of those points as things you do. There's even an Unexplainable Precognition talent, but it's several links up the chain. How--"

"Cheat codes, duh!" Pinkie Pie finished stuffing the rest of the cupcakes into her mouth, gave a massive swallow, and bounded up onto Twilight's back. "Let me see here, since you're got a horn, this should be easy. Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B--

"Ow!" Twilight winced at the hoof in the eye she had just gotten.

"--and A," she finished with a boop on the nose.

One explosion of confetti and familiar fireworks later, Twilight found herself staring at the skill tree with "Level 100' floating above her.

"Oh, nuts," she muttered when Celestia's tree flickered into life nearby. "How am I going to explain this?"

From the story No Nose Knows by Irrespective, an interesting Celestia romance that I found delightful
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/382335/no-nose-knows

“Sorry!” Wysteria offered. “You should lock the door if you don’t want me to come in unannounced.”

* -

Wysteria came around the corner of the hall with the diplomatic missive tucked under one forehoof and reached for the door to Celestia’s chambers—

Well, it was a door. It was just not the same door she was expecting. This door was fully twelve feet tall, constructed of glimmering orchidarium with hefty bolts and reinforcing straps over a set of glowing arcane runes which fairly pulsed with the restrained power of a romantic alicorn who most certainly did not wish to be disturbed.

She looked at the diplomatic missive.

Then Wysteria looked at the massive door.

"I'll give 'em an hour, tops," she muttered, "but the next time, they can just hang a sign on the doorknob when they want to make out."

6. Steam Powered Tweezers

Thoughtletts
'HOWLY vargin! what is that?' exclaimed Mickey McSquizzle, with something like horrified amazement.
— The Steam Man of the Prairies

“Don’t worry, Twilight! I’ll save you!”

(Three hours later)
“Dear. The ATM won’t give me any more money. Can you bring me some Ones?”

Augie Dog is coming out with another chapter in The Casebook of Currycombs, and somebody was wondering why the EqG tag appeared on it. Well, ask no more:
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/350897/the-casebook-of-currycombs
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/817462/the-return-of-currycombs

"It's quite obvious," stated Currycombs as she stood in the Faculty Parking Lot and gestured at the cryptic chalk marks that she had spent the last hour making. "Even a complete imbecile should be able to recognize the pattern."

"I don't," said Vice Principal Luna. "What I see is one of our students who is determined to make the fender-bender of my sister's Celica into some sort of--" She cut off when Silver gently touched her on the sleeve and shook her head.

"I think I'm starting to understand," said Principal Celestia. She nudged Silver Scalpel and pointed at where the young detective was prodding at the pavement with a plastic pair of tweezers under a huge magnifying glass. "Go ahead," she whispered.

Silver Scalpel cleared her throat. "Why, Currycombs, you've laid out the crime perfectly. I'm sure Principal Celestia will send the police to inspect Red Robin's Jaguar at once and find the matching crumpled fender."

"What?" Currycombs looked up from her close inspection of the pavement with a tiny fleck of chrome in her tweezers. "Why, Silver. Have you gone mad? This piece of chrome--" She placed the sparkling fleck into Celestia's outstretched hand "--is obviously from a pickup truck, weighted down to lower the point of impact. And as to the guilty party, that is plainly the teacher who borrowed Applejack's truck to take the old school piano home and restore it as a gift for her sister, and due to her inexperience with driving such a heavy load, managed to back into her own car and not even realize it."

"I... um..." Celestia glanced back and forth across the parking lot while biting her bottom lip. "Oh. That would..."

Admiral Biscuit on Livery Stables in Equestria
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/816925/worldbuilding-xi-liveries

"Hm..." Rarity strolled back along the line of employees again, swishing her tail and giving them all a close examination. "There's just so many to choose from."

"Lady!" Heavy Roller huffed in exasperation and stormed out of the office. "What did I tell you about this place? It's not some sort of house of ill repute, we just rent carts and haulers to move stuff!"

"Keep out of this, boss." Singletree straightened his shoulders and flexed, making Rarity suck her breath in with a most unladylike sound. "We're fine."

"And very moving," added Rarity.

A flash from the past, from the inestimable Estee
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/358980/why-do-all-our-new-adversaries-rhyme-with-each-other

"Behold your doom, for I am Freudian Slip!"

Twilight Sparkle sighed and rested a hoof against her forehead. "I'm sorry. That's pathetic. I'm going to have to ass you to leav--"

"Ah, HA!" crowed the stallion moments before the Beam of Rainbow Magic blotted him from existence.

"Don't say it," warned Applejack, holding a hoof over Pinkie Pie's mouth.

"What?" asked Rainbow Dash, hovering so the flecks of combusted stallion would not get into her mane. "That he made an ash out of himself?"

Irrespective comments on the Beanverse and the possibility of little beans in the future
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/213750/prince-beanverse/thread/364205/bean-futures

"No, of course not," said Twilight, who was drawn up into a slightly hunched position by the crystal table covered in tea things. "Can't happen. After all, in order to have... those, Princess Celestia and Prince Bean would have to--" Twilight hunched over a little more and quietly tapped her forehooves together. "And that's impossible," she added.

Luna quietly took another sip of her tea and picked up a second biscuit, timing her response until Twilight took an anxious gulp of tea too. "Obviously, you do not have a bedroom near theirs, Twilight Sparkle."

Twilight sprayed tea all over the table.

Estee has a turn signal stollen. Just the one part. Georg has to comment on it
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/816114/they-could-have-at-least-stolen-the-whole-car

"So what's the problem you wanted me to look at, Rarity?" Twilight Sparkle took a long look at the dress sitting on the ponyquin, then at the frazzled fashion diva, but did not see anything out of the ordinary except for Rarity's befuddled expression.

"Here, Twilight." Rarity moved a bit of lace to one side and pointed. "One of the shoulder pads is missing. No, one of the shoulder pads has been stolen!"

"Stolen? In Ponyville? Most ponies here don't even have locks for their doors." Twilight peered closer at the dress, taking in the snipped threads and the slight gap where a slim piece of foam obviously had once rested, then she looked back at Rarity with what she was thinking was a fair match for the same befuddled expression. "It looks like the shoulder pad is missing. And from the broken threads, it was carefully cut out. Any idea why?"

"That's what I hoped you could help me with, Twilight. You see, the town had a large number of tourists this morning from the train tour, and I was helping out at the castle, showing ponies around at the time of the crime. Maybe one of them stole it for some extra spending money."

Twilight looked down at the workbench where a hooffull of diamonds and sapphires were in the process of being sewn into another outfit, then back up at the dress that was missing a two-bit piece of foam. "I... don't think that's the reason. Maybe Estee is writing another story."

https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/816563/advice-is-live
From kudzuhaiku’s story on Princess Celestia’s Adventurous Advice

I read that as Princess Celestia's Amorous Advice and immediately thought, "Oh, yeah. Romance advice from somepony whose last date was in the Cretaceous era."

"The first thing you must realize, Smirk, is that the average stallion has very limited emotional responses."

Smirk nodded. "I noticed. They're oblivious."

Celestia produced a club from behind the throne and blew some dust from it. "That's why I invented this. I call it the Romance Club."

"The... Romance Club?" Smirk looked from the iron-bound chunk of oak up to the eager face of Princess Celestia and back to the club. "How does it... work?"

"Well, first you find a nice, strapping young stallion with good teeth, broad shoulders, and high stamina. Like Sergeant Hardhooves here."

"Wha--"

There was a ringing noise as the Romance Club did its job, and the Royal Guard dropped like a sack of potatoes.

"If they have a helmet, you need to hit them a little harder," explained Celestia as Hardhooves' dented helmet rolled down the red carpet, past the other stunned guards. "Then you drag your mate here off to a secluded location, like a cave or a hollow tree, and tie him up with vines so he doesn't get away. Then once he wakes up, you begin the training. Use small slices of fruit at first to encourage good behavior like not screaming and running away, then progress to crudely cooked breads topped with crushed fruit. Although in these modern days, you could probably just get a box of donuts," she added with a thoughtful expression.

Something triggered by the blog posting:
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/50/the-writers-group/thread/362021/story-concept-for-struggling-authors

"Spike!" Twilight Sparkle's voice echoed around the library tree, making the dragon in question consider pulling the pillow over his head. Instead, he knew the call would only continue until answered, so he did.

"What is it Twilight?! I just got to bed!"

"I need help figuring out these last few points!" Twilight's voice was frazzled, just a fraction away from a complete panic fit that would have kept Spike up all night, so he sighed, got out of his bed, and walked into the library office where Twilight Sparkle was working on the paperwork for her new level. He climbed up into the second chair, looked over the forms with all of the dots carefully filled in #2 pencil, and mentally added up the experience points she had left to spend.

"Looks fine to me, Twilight. Pegged most of your points into Intelligence, Intuition, Research, and Esoteric Magic like last level. And you put another dot into Social Skills like I suggested. Not bad at all."

"That's it, Spike." Twilight showed her scratch sheet she had used for calculating point values. "I've maxed out the points I can put into Intelligence as a unicorn. And power, and control."

"Huh." Spike opened the book and checked one of the tables. "How about one of the exotic skills. As a unicorn of your level, you can pick out of the really weird stuff. Like Portal Generation here."

"Too much trouble," said Twilight with a huff of breath as she dropped her chin down on the incomplete sheet. "Portals can go anywhere, and you never know what will come out of them. Even Starswirl never got to use the points he put in that more than once or twice. Turned it into a garbage disposal, I think. Besides, I don't have enough leftover points for that."

"Well, you have to buy something with your leftover points, or they're lost." He eyed the sheet and began scanning down the book's point costs. "Seems an odd number. Maybe we can find one that matches. Ah, here we go. Exotic Theories. They're strictly context-driven and plot-specific, so it's a cheap buy. One dot will just finish up your last points and you can send it. There," he added while scribbling a dot on the sheet. One puff of dragonfire later, Spike hopped off the chair and headed back for bed while the letter headed for Canterlot.

"Thanks, Spike." Twilight gave off a wide yawn, then closed her mouth and looked closer at the fuzzy carbon copy of her form. "Hey, Spike! The carbon paper shifted when you were filling it out, so I can't tell. Did you put a dot in Exotic Theories or Exotic Transformations?"

"What difference does it make? You're never going to use either of them." It was less of a question than it seemed, because Spike had already vanished under his covers and had no interest in whatever answer was forthcoming.

"It's just that Exotic Transformations has a chance..." Twilight read down the paragraph in the rule book, then sat it to one side and headed for bed also. It was only a small chance after all, and besides. She would be able to put more points into Intelligence if she turned into an Alicorn someday.

From nyxOs and a delightful little story
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/408766/luna-vs-a-vending-machine

"Twilight?"

Twilight Sparkle opened one sleepy eye and looked at Spike, who was standing out on the starlit balcony of her castle bedroom. "Go to bed, Spike. It's the middle of the night."

"I think this is important." The little dragon vanished into the darkness of the bedroom, emerging with a quill and sheet of parchment. "In fact, I'm pretty sure you want to see this."

Giving a grunt, the Princess of Friendship dragged herself to the edge of the balcony and looked up where Spike was pointing. After a certain period of soundless contemplation, she blinked, then pinched herself on one foreleg. "Spike," she said in a low voice. "I need you to take a letter."

"Dear Princess Celestia," said Spike, starting to write.

"Dear Princess Celestia," said Twilight, still looking up into the night sky. "I don't remember any prophecy about a vending machine getting banished to the moon."

https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/805259/another-interesting-fanfic-article by Tumbleweed pointed me to

https://www.tor.com/2018/04/09/the-bodies-of-the-girls-who-made-me-fanfic-and-the-modern-world/

What you said times infinity.
I've been working on The Great Swords and Sorcery Novel for most of the last thirty years (yes, that dates me). Then about six years ago, I stumbled into the *oddest* fanfiction that a middle-aged male could possibly write. Yep, MLP. A year later, I had a half-dozen stories up, and a staggering amount of reality slapped in my face about my poor writing skills. Another year of hard-fought study and improvement later, I had progressed to the point where my editors no longer fled screaming from my every run-on sentence and bizarre sentence construction. So I wrote on the most improbable topic that I could find: MLP romance stories. Oddly enough (and even odder for people who know me as a complete introvert), I was fairly successful, and my skills grew to the point where I'm in the top 100 writers on the site. Yeah, it shocked me too.

Since then, I've written over a million words of fanfic, from a Bolo crossover to a story about a young character who plans on drifting down the river on a raft until he finds his destiny (sound familiar), and even my critics say I'm getting better.
I'm *still* not quite to the point where I'm ready to quit my job and write for a living (because I don't want to live under a bridge, most probably), but soon. Very soon.

Or maybe I'll just keep writing fanfic. It's been a blast so far and shows no sign of stopping.

On a thread in the Writers Group
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/50/the-writers-group/thread/356939/is-there-a-good-process-for-handling-stories-with-paradox-duplicates

"Hey, wait a minute," said Twilight Sparkle. She pointed across the school laboratory at where Pinkie Pie was inflating balloons with the water faucet. "You can't be here. I saw you go into the portal to go visit your alternate dimensional duplicate on a trip out to the rock farm."

"I did?" Pinkie Pie blinked several times, then popped like a balloon in a shower of confetti, leaving the rest of the class to stare in horror.

Well, all except Applejack, who continued to get out beakers for the science lesson. "Dagnabit, Twi. Couldn't you have waited until after class?"

From Carabas and the story The Wedding March
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/299424/wedding-march

Post-Wedding Royal Correspondence
(From the Royal Historian, not for distribution)

(From the Royal Vintier)
TO: Their Royal Highnesses
Someone seems to have gotten into the secure storage vault of your personal cellar and absconded with the contents of every bottle of the priceless Chatau Pantalon '07 vintage. The only clue we have found to the criminals are a number of smaller foal-sized hoofprints and some griffon clawmarks, along with what we think might have been a note of some sort, if it had been written before the bottles had been consumed. With the number of diplomats in the vicinity of late, we hesitate to bring this to the attention of the guard for fear of causing some sort of incident. At the present, we are discounting it as changeling mischief, but as always we leave the ultimate disposition of this incident to your discretion.
— Dry Cork

(From the diplomatic corps)
TO: Her Highnesses, either of you really at this point.
We have just received a diplomatic message from the Viceroy of Saddle Arabia about the possibility of importing Equestrian phoenix into their country for the purposes of, and I quote, "improving the hybrid vigor of the native pyrefalcon population."

How in the heavens did Simoon get this idea! We consulted a biologist from your school who not only said such a hybridization was impossible, but that anypony who would think of such a thing was stark raving mad. Please, find some way to discourage the Viceroy in this matter before the worst of dooms occurs, and I’m not exaggerating.
— Kind Words, Dept. of the Royal Diplomatic Corps
P.S. Has anypony seen your pet phoenix since the Saddle Arabian delegation returned home?

(From the desk of Princess Celestia)
TO: The Royal Household Regiment, Day and Night divisions
Please locate Philomena at once. Do not disturb or attempt to catch her, just report her whereabouts.
— Celestia

(From the accounting office)
TO: Princess Celestia
Why do we have two official letters from Arch-Minister Burro that read, and I quote, “Celestia, IOU One Door” and “Cadence, IOU One Wedding Present sacrificed in the line of duty”

(From the accounting office)
TO: Princess Celestia
Never mind. I just got a look at the front door to the castle. Or what’s left of it.

(From the diplomatic corps, without comment)
To the nice princess in ponyland
My uncle the Lord Regent has given me permission to have my friends at my birthday party next week and since I made friends with some of your ponies I wanted to see if you could send them here and bring them back with a guard to protect them because sometimes outsiders say things that are not taken well and having a guard around to discorage such stomping and trumpeting would be best and I am including a list.
Spike
Apple Bloom
Scooterlou
Sweet Bell
Sir Wall for the guard type because he is really brave even though he says he is not

Sincere lee
Shahanshah-in-Waiting Sailears the Second of Ancient and Glorious Pachydermia and all surrounding lands
P.S. they should not bring gifts because that would make my uncle upset for some reason and I will have a bowl of the gems that Spike likes. And apples.

(a private message, slipped into Princess Celestia’s tea cart)
Your Highness, I hate to impose, but I have recently stumbled upon a situation that I am ill-prepared to face. Could you please do me the favor of arranging an appointment with Princess Cadence upon her return? I would be ~~deeply~~ more deeply in your debt.
—Alloy

(a private message, slipped under the Royal Bedroom door)
Princess Celestia. I have taken a largest step since I came here and now I am afraid to make any more steps without close advice from somepony who knows a lot about this. Other than Goldtorc. Can you arrange a meeting with Princess Cadence after their honey moon is over please? Tundra

(From the official files, tagged ARMAGEDDON)
TO: Princess Celestia
FROM: The Royal Garden Staff, Greenskeeper Greenhooves

Ma’am, your phoenix has taken over one of the nesting boxes out in the garden and won’t let nopony look inside. I woudln’t have written you, except this ain’t really the way she normally behaves, and the nesting box has been on fire for the last week.

The eggs is real pretty, though. Four little ones, all gold and red.

(The Four Hatchlings of the Apocoltypse, named War, War, More War, and Even More War)

7. The Road to Heck

Thoughtletts

“The road to hell is paved with works-in-progress”
— Philip Roth

An appropriate quote for my April Foolishness, where I’m posting a month’s worth of incomplete stuff, and how I started it. Let’s get started here.

From a question on the Writer’s Group about how to write sex scenes that don’t get the M tag for Mature. I, of course, have been working on an idea.
https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2019/01/plants-use-flowers-hear-buzz-animals/579964/
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/50/the-writers-group/thread/386754/sex-scenes-that-arent-clop

Sometimes, you just need to bee creative with your references.

Light. Blessed light. The warmth spread through her body, flooding every cell and making her chloroplasts swell with the newfound energy that could find no release without further action. Reflexes built into her stoma forced proton pumping through the guard cells around them, opening their throats wide to allow carbon dioxide to flow in even while her roots dug microscopically deeper into the rich soil, drinking the fresh water that had just been poured in. Carbon dioxide and water shifted under the power of her kind, the energy of life itself as she sundered molecular bonds with ease and allowed the sweet taste of glucose to enter where she had never dared.

Lost in the glow of that infinite power, she luxuriated in the power of the divine light.

Time passed, the warmth shifted, and more complex sugars were forced into the delicate petals of her reproductive organs. An unexplainable glee coursed from her roots to leaf tips as the flower opened, glistening in the light and awaiting fertilization. This was what she had been created for. Not only to live, but to reproduce. To spread her kind across the fertile land. Her blossom opened even wider, begging for the touch of the one who could make that impossible dream a reality. Swollen with nectar, she ached for release, nearly in physical pain as she sensed the passage of what she sought always out of reach. If she could have reached out and grabbed them, or even called out to the creatures with more than the simple aromatic sugars she released on the breeze. Once she could have, back when she was a pony, but that was beyond her now.

Then… there was the anticipated touch. Fuzzy and clumsy, the creature stimulated her aching cells with every step and curious poke. Deeper and deeper it penetrated into her reproductive organ, stimulating her nerves until she could do nothing but tremble under its manipulative limbs and tongue. It must have been young with the way it stumbled, not touching where she needed it most, not licking where her nectar was the thickest, an insensitive brute pushing and shoving into her most delicate parts until…

Whether luck or skill guided the creature, it reached right where it needed to be, pressing down and lapping while ignoring the way she trembled under its desired touch....

--From the upcoming story, Twilight Sparkle Learns About Photosynthesis. Those lascivious plants, all waving their delicate bits where anypony can see. They need to at least wear pants.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Photosynthesis

On a chapter of Ocellus’ Ordinary Day by RainbowDoubleDash where the young changeling meets Rarity’s protective cat, I had to write about my own experiences with that situation:

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/424561/2/ocellus-ordinary-day/afternoon

I have to pass along a story from my childhood. We lived on a farm. My older sister had 'dropped off' her scrawny Siamese cat, which was both a housecat and preggers. She actually gave birth in my lap when I was watching TV (and I had *no* idea she was going to do that or I would have tossed her into the CatCave before that. Yes, it's icky.) Anyway, our last dog had died, and Dad went to get a new one.
So set the scene. Squirrely Siamese cat upstairs with her young kittens. Dad brings back a German Shepherd puppy (which was to be an *outside* dog, since we did not have *inside* pets at the farm for good reason). Big honking puppy. It gets away from dad, comes through the front door all giant paws and drool, so happy to be in the house that we were not going to let it be in period. I'm on the stairwell when the mamma cat comes by me about 900mph, makes the corner at the bottom of the stairs, and greets the new puppy with all four paws full of claws. Yeah, it was outweighed about 20:1, but mama, so...
Puppy goes into reverse gear, much like a cartoon with his big paws flailing around on the waxed wooden floor and plaintive yelps while the cat is going to town on his nose. Puppy gets turned around and *bolts* in the opposite direction, past the open door he came in by, and around the other side of the house (which as old farmhouses are wont to do, is shaped like a capital O for traffic). Cat (being smarter than Dog) turns around, and heads around the *other* way. They meet in the kitchen. I can't see what is going on, but I'm pretty sure 'Second verse, same as the first' from the noise. Dog comes shooting out of the kitchen like all the cats of hell are right behind him, goes through the open door at full throttle and nearly knocks my dad on his rear. Cat stops at the door (because she is a *real* indoor cat, and hates the outdoors with a passion), stares at the departing dog, and proceeds to go back up the stairs to her kittens.
End result: The cat was completely full of herself (like that's a change) from then on, and the dog did not even go up on the porch until his dying day, which is what we wanted in the first place.

Sometimes I comment on my own stuff, most likely because I know I’ll approve. In this case, about the Gameloft MLP iPhone game.
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/837665/mlp-gameloft-game-bug-or-intentional

MLP as a MMORPG. The mind boggles.
"Darling, if I could have a word with you? You see, there was a terrible accident during loot distribution."
"Rarity, I was very careful and followed all of the Master Looter protocols we agreed to."
"Yes, but you see, the Element of Generosity... It's the wrong piece. I already *have* my Necklace of Divine Grace, and the stats the new necklace bestows are positive, I'll admit, but it just doesn't work with my piece bonus. Perhaps if we could trade, since my headpiece doesn't tie into a set bonus anywhere, and--"
"Soulbound." Twilight adjusted the Tiara of Magic and admired herself in the mirror. "Once I got it, I had to try it on."
"Oh." Rarity heaved a sigh and put on her new necklace, then stood next to Twilight and regarded their reflections with a skeptical eye. It was a sign of how much Twilight was getting to know her new friend that she spoke first.
"Look, Rarity. We'll do some heroic instances to get you some new gear, and you can build an entire new set around that necklace. After all, it's unique to the server. Then once we get geared up enough, we can do raids. And I'll even let you critique everypony else's outfits. How's that sound?"

Iisaw had a wonderful plugging blog post on GaPJaxie’s The Third Wheel. I had to get a can of spray paint and contribute because I love the story too, and Light Step is so much like Luna.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/424138/the-third-wheel
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/837839/go-read-this

"Yes?" asked Light Step after a period of silence in front of Princess Celestia. Being yanked out of the dorms and hustled to the castle in the middle of the night had not improved Light's normal glowing disposition, and getting the silent treatment from her sister's most perfect teacher was not helping.
"You must understand," said Celestia with her lips still drawn into a thin line, although the low noise of grinding teeth had finally faded away. "I am not blaming you for this."
"I didn't do it," proclaimed Light Step. "I have witnesses." After a time of looking up into that humorless expression, Light considered the door and retrenched her position. "Perhaps if you were to show me the problem first, instead of making me guess."
Without a word, Celestia turned and strode away, through several corridors and up a set of stairs until they came to a huge obsidian door marked with Luna's crescent moon. Light Step followed, of course, because she may have been a little more cranky than usual, but whatever was going on had tweaked her curiosity to an unsafe level. The massive door swung silently open at the touch of Celestia's magic, to reveal the Alicorn of Night lounging on the balcony beyond, with the risen moon glowing just above her.
And on the moon was a very good sketch of Celestia's plump rear.
"Luna," said Princess Celestia with a magical boost to Light that propelled her physically into the room. "Fix it."
Then the door slammed shut hard enough to shake the floor, leaving Light Step and Luna alone.
The two eyed each other for a short time before Princess Luna gave a glance over her shoulder and asked, "So, do you like it?"
"It's not bad," said Light Step. "For a beginner. Do you have any paints?"

Chapter 77 of If Wishes Were Ponies (a HP/MLP crossover) had me wondering about changelings who had been captured.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/406279/77/if-wishes-were-ponies/77-oops

9336327 One has to wonder if these changelings that 'starved to death' were then put into coffins and buried.

"Finally," huffed Digger, once she had gotten the last brace into place. A little wedging with the crowbar, lifting the lid, and reaching down *very* carefully with a bottle of love extract to tip a few drops into--

"FOOD!" The changeling in the coffin grabbed the bottle and began sucking down the liquid love inside, finishing only when he was running his tongue around the bottom of the bottle in order to get the last drop. Then there was a slightly awkward pause as he eyed the drone at the side of the coffin, who was rolling her eyes in the dim green glow of her horn.

"Feeling better, Dunderhead?" she asked.

Dunderhead nodded, with the bottle mimicking his motions.

"And you got your tongue stuck in the bottle like the last three idiots I've been digging out all night, didn't you?"

There were several grunts, then Dunderhead nodded again. Digger grabbed the bottom of the bottle and pulled, somewhat more powerfully than the other changeling was ready for, and rolled her eyes again when he curled up in the bottom of the coffin and clutched his face.

"Get out of there, you moron, and help me get this dummy stuffed into the coffin. We've only got the exit covered until dawn, so we need to extend the tunnel to three more coffins by morning or those idiots will be stuck in hibernation for another week."

Present Perfect is musing on some of his older ‘edgy’ OCs that he was going to make into a story sometime. FanOfMostEverything called them over the top. I had to top that. And I made Never The Final Word II. Seriously, before this I must have thought of nearly a dozen endings trying to make this better in the hopes that they were funnier, but after further review, no pun in ten did.

Over the top? I'll give you over the top.

"The horror! The HORROR!" Rarity cringed away, nearly curled into a ball and trembling. "No," she whispered. "Stay away."

Skull chortled and took a step forward with a clicking and jingling of piercings. "So you don't like my outfit? I made it myself. I call it... Skull Fashion." He lifted one foreleg and shook it to let the tiny silver skull piercings touch with the fairy-like tinkle of tiny bells. "I've got skulls embroidered on the kneepads, skulls on the shoulderpads--"

"Bladed," whimpered Rarity. "I noticed. But that's not it. I can't believe you... monster!"

"Yeah," gloated Skull with another step forward. "I used tiny little skulls to decorate the bigger skulls."

"Still not it," gasped Rarity, twitching and trembling as if she were trying to tunnel out of the corner of the room. "Your coat... That terrible, horrible shade of fuchsia. And your orange mane! It's unnatural!"

"Don't care," said Skull, taking one last step to tower over her. "Now, before I end you and get back to the rest of the losers, you got any last requests?"

"Just one." Rarity stopped trembling and looked up, studying him with an experienced eye. "Blue, I think. Cerulean blue."

"Cerulean?" Skull blinked a few times as unpracticed neurons in his brain fired. "Do you expect me feed you or something?"

"No, Mister Skull." Rarity stood up with the coiled fire hose behind her expanding with pressure, and the nozzle pointed firmly at Skull's face. A few dark blue droplets of water dripped down from the tip, most likely from the five or six empty packets of Goops Permanent Color Changing Formula scattered around her hooves.

"I expect you to dye."

A blog on the Sweetie Chronicles by Wanderer D brought some interesting comments on Sweetie’s toughness.

Darnit. Now I'm going to have to write a story where Sweetie Belle climbs her wardrobe and screams when she sees a spider in her room. And when Rarity goes to see what is going on, she winds up on top of the wardrobe too. And Twilight later. And Spike. And then Applejack...

One panicked shifting of wings, horns, and hooves later, Applejack had somehow managed to wedge herself into the narrow space between the huddled horned mass of mares on the wardrobe and the ceiling. There was a sullen silence, followed by the farmer's quiet, "Don't nopony say nuttin. Yes, we gots spiders out at the farm, but they's smaller than that. And not so... creepy."

"And hairy," agreed Spike, who had wrapped himself all the way around Twilight's horn and was threatening the stability of their formation by his weight hanging over the floor below.

"My heroes," said Rarity with a sigh. "I suppose we can wait until Fluttershy shows up."

Sometimes I even comment on myself. Like when I made a snide remark about our MLP literary history going back to Oog making cave drawings of ponies.
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/835605/announcements-eqd-napowrimo-interview-and-bits

"So..." Celestia turned her head sideways and squinted in the low light of her horn. "That's a pony?"

Oog grunted and dabbed his thumb into the mix of ochre and water before resuming his drawing against the cave ceiling.

"Even though it has five legs," continued Celestia, "all of different lengths. And they're running... I presume that's grass you're drawing?"

After a few more swishing marks along a general line, Oog turned his attention to a larger figure.

"And that's a pregnant hippo, I presume?" asked Celestia politely, only to shake her head and walk out of the cave when the wings and horns were scrawled in. Once out in the open air, she spread her wings and rose up into the air to where her sister was sitting on a cloud, lighting up stars.

"So... literature in the humans still not up to your standards?" asked Luna without turning around.

"Apparently, I'm a hippopotamus," grumbled Celestia. "I give. You win. Let's go back to the ponies and see if we can make a civilization out of them."

Irrespective’s Beanverse has an update with an upcoming Equestria Girls story. I had to comment.
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/835473/all-good-things

And I promise to keep prodding you with ideas.

Oddly enough, the portal’s whirling and swirling had not made Baked Bean throw up like he was afraid, but it did make him brace all fours against the ground when he landed so he could just pant for a while and recover. As Celestia had said, his form had changed when he went through the portal, with arms and hands instead of forelegs, and... well, a vertical instead of horizontal attitude. He staggered to his 'feet' with no small amount of arm-waving, only to have one hand caught before he tipped over.

"Oh, so sorry," said Celestia in her own beautiful voice, despite the strange shape she was wearing. "It looked like you were about to fall down again."

"Thank you, dear." Bean stood up as straight as he could with one sore leg impeding his movements and looked around with several blinks to clear his head. "I'm glad you decided to come through the portal too. I guess it's safe for little Epiphany. And one more nice thing about here that you didn't mention." He reached up and kissed his wife on the lips, then rubbed noses with her. "You don't have to bend down for me to kiss you here."

Bean smiled broadly, an expression that began to slowly change into a look of worry as Celestia stared back, wide eyed. "Um... Dear?" he asked. "Is there something wrong?"

The writing group had a question about if there are any fics about the changelings who impersonated the Mane 6 and their families. I could not help but contribute.
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/50/the-writers-group/thread/380990/the-changelings-that-posed-as-the-main-6-and-royal-families

"So... You're Double Feature?" The mare asking the question shuffled her hooves and continued to look at the floor, which struck Duble as ironic because it really did not matter what disguise he was wearing if all ponies acted like this.

"Yes," he put forward just as carefully as he could. "If I every disguised myself as one of your relatives or significant--"

"No, not that," said the mare abruptly. "It's just... My twin sister wanted to know... You were the changeling who disguised himself as Shining Armor, right?"

At his hesitant nod, the mare began to pick up speed. "Because my sister and I really like Prince Armor and we've always had this... thing for him, and if you wanted to come over to our place tonight for a few hours or all night would be really great.."

Oliver has some thoughts on a Battleship Harmony story. Sounds good. Somebody, go.
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/833334/ideas-i-will-not-be-writing-6-space-battleship-harmony

Even though centuries had passed, Cadence never lost her Shining Armor. He had always said he would be next to her heart, and as she touched the crystal pendant around her neck, she could feel his warmth and strength as if he were there in flesh and bone. Without him, she would never have been able to do this. With him, she could move worlds.

She settled into her cradle, the encompassing embrace of plastic and cloth which would be her home for the immediate future, and after a moment to brace herself, reached.

The immense power of the Harmony Wave Engine was never meant to be channeled by a single individual, but at that moment, Cadence was anything but. Tens of thousands of changelings scattered across the hivemind resonated with her might, tied together as one while the transformational magic reached down behind the fleeing starship and touched the charred planet they were abandoning. Frightened and alone, gathered together and waiting for the end, or trapped away from any known pony, it did not matter. Ponies, griffons, changelings, yaks, and every other being, sapient and otherwise, began to vanish and reappear in the shielded chamber Cadence reigned over, changed from their frail form of flesh and blood to the impervious crystal of her namesake. Much like the pendant around her neck, every living creature still remaining in Equestria turned to a diminutive crystalline state and sorted into the immense chamber inside Harmony, regular patterns of silicone and carbon and other chemicals in tight array where they would await their destination, and hopeful reconstitution.

And once it was done, the chamber was silent as Cadence, the True Princess of the Crystal Empire, reigned over her remaining subjects in similar crystalline slumber, waiting as the days and years....

Ilsaw is visiting castles. With Twilight. This can only end well.
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/831831/im-not-jealous-but

"And if you'll walk this way, the tour has a special treat for you. We're going to see the actual bedchambers of the Princess of Friendship herself. Step carefully, please, and mind the rugs. They tend to slip on the crystal floors. As you can see, this room is decorated in Early Ponyponian by none other than the famous Element of Generosity, Rarity Unicorn, who we will meet at the end of the tour at her boutique, where you can purchase souvenirs. Note the gentle colors on the curtains, the repeating motif of Twilight Sparkle's cutie mark, and... Oh, we have a very special treat for you today at the noon tour: The Princess of Friendship herself, still sleeping. Please try not to wake her; she must have been up all night with a friendship problem, or studying a spell. We'll just move right along to the Royal Bedchambers Bath, and then to the Throne Room, where a very special artefact can send any of the Elements of Harmony out across the world on special missions. Come along, step lively. We have a lot to cover before the next tour group is scheduled to start."

There was a period of not-silence in Twilight's bedroom as careful tourists trudged along their appointed path, making only slightly more noise by trying to be quiet than if they had just walked normally. The flashing of cameras died down to a few stragglers, and then there was peace. Well, until Twilight could feel the gentle poking of a tiny hoof, which resolved itself into a small yellow pegasus filly when she managed to open her eyes and look.

“Missus Princess, Ma’am? Could my little brother use your bathroom? Please? It’s been a long tour, and he really has to go.”

Twilight looked at the diminutive tourists, weighed the amount of effort it would take to teleport them both outside where they could wizz wherever they wanted, then gave a slow nod. They both vanished in a flurry of feathers, and Twilight Sparkle settled back down. The next tour group would be by in an hour, so she had enough time to get just a little more sleep in.

“Oops,” called out a small voice. “He didn’t quite make it. Miss Princess, do you have a towel or something?”

Irrespective is wondering how the Beanverse would be different with Daybreaker. Me too.
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/213750/prince-beanverse/thread/378178/nose-weekly-break-of-dawn

I would imagine Daybreaker as an obsessive tyrant personality, who raises the sun when she wakes, and puts the moon up when she goes to sleep as a "Do not disturb or you're going there too" warning, thus making the days and nights whatever length she wants instead of adhering to a schedule. She loves the blaze of colors flowers make, because they remind her of fire, and the palace gardeners strive their best to keep her happy that way because a happy Daybreaker is one who doesn't roast gardeners. Then one day, an unexpected intruder catches her by surprise..

Bean could feel the warmth of the day sweeping over him, surrounded by life and sunflowers and... something very warm on the end of his nose.

He opened his eyes to fire.

And promptly fainted.

(break)

"Get up, you fool." The voice was harsh and raspy, but also curiously quiet. When Bean peered through narrowed eyelids, he caught a glimpse of a burning coat and firey mane that he feared, but strangely enough he could feel a tiny thread of concern in his heart also. The feared Daybreaker, Princess of Equestria looked... frightened. Of him. She was pacing back and forth across the marble tiles of a small room, leaving little smoking divots in the marble while murmuring quietly to herself, a nervous trait that went away as his slight motion caught her eye.

She turned on him, or more correctly rounded on him like Bean was some sort of fierce warrior pegasus with sharpened spear ready to assassinate her, and the angry expression that filled her face only emphasized how she wanted to reduce him to ashes.

But... She did not. He was not even scorched. Which really worried Bean more than if the divine mare was getting ready to burn him.

"Your Divinity," Bean managed in the quiet, respectful voice that his parents had taught him. "How m-may I be of s-service?"

"You have to marry me," she fairly spat. "Today."

Bean fainted again.

From the Proofreader Group, on filtering (and they used a Luna/Wedding pic, the fools)

https://www.fimfiction.net/group/27/the-proofreader-group/thread/378065/official-tpgdb-is-buggy-this-week-or-even-several-weeks

[Deleted Scene from the Royal Wedding]

"Don't worry," whispered Twilight to her friends. "Princess Luna is still out there, and--"

The sound of a window being slammed open above them echoed around the city, making every changeling hesitate and look up to the Royal Towers.

"WE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!" bellowed Luna's voice across the city. "KEEP THAT INFERNAL BUZZING DOWN OR WE SHALL BE MOST UPSET!"

The window slammed shut again, and silence reigned, or at least for a few moments until the changelings started flying around again, only much quieter.

"Or I suppose I can go release Cadence from her goop," muttered Twilight. "I swear, we have to do everything around here."

From The Trouble With Unicorns III by Admiral Biscuit
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/421685/the-trouble-with-unicorns-iii

I really only get three: Car warranty (yeah, my 2000 Honda Civic is prime for that), student loan interest (paid 'em off a few years ago) and credit card fraud.
The last one I've gotten a fair edge on because our card company *might* call, so I just ask them which card they're calling about. No, I mean which one, not Visa or Mastercharge. If you're really our company calling because of my card, you can give me the last four digits of my card. Anytime. I'll wait. No, I'm not going to read my card to you, because you called me, so you *have* to know what card you're calling about. Or my billing address. Yes, I'll wait. Anytime. Heck, do you even know my name? Hello? Helloooo?
I was really expecting--
Yen Wi pushed the 'Flush' button on the console, which hung up on the call and picked up on the next one in line. Sometimes all he would do for hours was push the button, read the script until interrupted, push the button... But it paid, and that was the important part.
"I rent," came the familiar voice on the other end of the phone before he could even start his spiel. "Does a maintenance contract even work for a rental?" The sound of splashing water echoed over the line as Yen sat in his uncomfortable office chair, then slowly reached over and pushed the 'Flush' button again.
"And does it cover appliances?" added the voice. "Because I put a baked potato wrapped into aluminum foil into the quick cooker thing and sparks went all over--"
He jabbed down on the 'Stop' button and ripped his headset off, just sitting in place in his cubicle and panting while that terrible voice continued in his bare ears. And continued. And continued...
"And I suppose that would be damages incurred before the policy, but you could backdate it, or just make allowances. After all, we Equestrians really don't understand your human technology, so you can't expect us not to have a few minor issues. Like this soap dispenser. I dropped it in the tub last night, and now the little thingie doesn't go up and down very easily. Would that be covered by the maintenance agreement also? Oh, and I have a lawn mower, but after I used it to mow about half of my yard, it just stopped, and I had to graze the rest off without even any croutons. That could be added to the contract also, I suppose. And another thing...."

From Royal Prodigy Twilight’s
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/418500/the-untrotted-path

"...the other studious unicorn levitating a book at reading height and using Twilight’s tail as a guide..."

Ok, now I can't help but see a line of unicorns across the campus, all with their noses buried into books and following the one ahead of them until...

Green Grass bumped the front door of the frat house open with one shoulder and strolled inside, still with his Thaumaturgic Disorders of Horn Growth textbook crooked in his foreleg, which had slowed his gait across campus in order to keep reading. Final exams tomorrow was going to be a nutcracker of a day, with three of them back to back to back, a brief pause to inhale lunch, and a double-length promptly afterward. He kept moving to his bedroom and put the book down on his desk, then paused at a peculiar noise.

There were five unicorn mares in a line behind him, a line that stretched down the frat house’s stairs and most probably out into the street.

"Ladies," he announced in as calm a voice as he could manage, "can we wait until after Finals?"

It makes sense in context: From GaPJaxie (see, I told you)
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/420244/14/fifty-shades-of-neigh/all-under-control

“Twilight?” The door to the castle library creaked open and two worried alicorn princesses poked their noses inside. “It’s been two weeks. Twilight?”

A flick of the switch turned on the library lighting, a soft but cheery glow that was just right for reading the immense number of books crowding the crystal shelves. Normally, Twilight Sparkle could be found on the floor in the middle of a collection of cushions, surrounded by a dozen or more books in the process of being read.

This evening, there was nothing but silence.

“I blame you, dearest sister, for burdening your student with a display of our renewal process before she was ready,” said Luna, stepping inside the library with a quiet clicking noise from the dozens of beaded necklaces she had draped over her shoulders. She stretched dark wings and stepped over to the crystal table which displayed both a sun and moon symbol over the small image of the castle they were standing in at the moment. One gentle brush of dark feathers did not stop the dance of cutie marks around the illusionary castle, but did make a small swirl of dust float away. “You know, Twilight told me once that Spike would sleep for a month if she didn’t wake him up every morning. I didn’t know she was being literal.”

Celestia trotted over to the table in her sister’s wake and put both small hooves up on the surface, swiping across it and examining the film of dust that resulted. “You know I held off my renewal as long as possible. You pushed yours just so you’d wind up in Mareico during party season.”

“Every night in Mareico is party season,” said Luna with a shake to her neck that made the accumulated bead necklaces rattle. “So many young and handsome stallions who truly appreciate the night.”

“When we find Twilight, you get to explain to her what each of those necklaces mean,” said Celestia as she peered under the table.

“Better yet, I’ll take her there so she can experience it for herself.” Luna giggled before a more serious expression took over. “Celly, just why are you looking under the furniture for our missing Twilight?”

“When she’s stressed, Twilight wants to read,” said Celestia, scooting up onto Twilight Sparkle’s crystal chair and frowning in concentration. “We both… Well, all three of us stressed her out quite a bit by showing her how we refresh ourselves. If she was still my student, I would expect to find her behind the throne, reading out of her stash of books she keeps hidden in there for book emergencies.”

Luna looked around the packed shelves of Twilight’s library, then sauntered over to the cushion pile. “Well, this is the best place she has to read, but I don’t see her anywhere. Maybe if we just rested for a while— Ow!”

Celestia scurried over to where her larger little sister was rubbing her rump and scowling into the pile of cushions. “What is it, sister?”

“She didn’t put all of her books away. There’s—” Luna’s dark magic levitated up a thick tome, clad in a familiar lilac tint and with Twilight Sparkle’s cutie mark on the cover. The two alicorns stared at it for a while before the stress between them seemed to evaporate, and they shared a mutual giggle.

“That explains why she has been missing,” said Celestia. “Books exist to be read, after all.”

“One must wonder,” started Luna with a thoughtful expression, “when was the last time we spent time with Twilight?”

“There’s no time like the present.” Celestia settled down next to her sister and opened the book, enjoying the tale of a young unicorn who found the magic of friendship with five unlikely ponies, reunited two sisters, and went on to become a princess herself.

She particularly liked the ending, because it was a new beginning, like all good stories.

Bad Horse made a comment on a Present Perfect blog about how a Mary Poppins/MLP crossover needed to be made. I had to comment back.
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/828459/fuckin-disney-magic

"Coming, coming!" called out Night Light as he scurried down the stairs, around the stacks of slightly singed books, stepped over the Junior Guard Authentic Armor Breastplate And Helmet, and drew up short in front of the house's front door. Running a quick hoof through his ruffled mane, he swung the door open while launching into his practiced speech. "I'm sorry about the smoke and the fire department again, but you know how foals are when they get the alchemy set unpacked and a few extra ingredients get added to their experiments, but we've got-- Oh," he added, blinking at the possibly middle-aged but maybe just a few years younger mare standing on his doorstep with an umbrella crooked over her foreleg. "Beg pardon, I thought it was the neighbors again."

"You are the father of Twilight Sparkle and Shining Armor, are you not?" The earth pony mare opened up her purse and removed a sheet of paper that looked as if it had been torn up at one time, but was now sticking together just because it was afraid of coming apart again. "Now, then. The qualifications."

"Oh, you're here about the nanny position," said Night Light abruptly. "I'm sorry, but Princess Cadence was sent over by Princess Celestia just an hour ago. She's up with Twilight right now, helping clean her room and de-animating all of the furniture." A chaise lounge took that moment to go galloping past, followed by a small unicorn and a moderate-sized alicorn who shrieked with joy at the pursuit.

"Ah, a Chased Lounge," said the mare. "A true classic. I see my niece has things well in hoof, Mister Night Light. I shall bid you good day. Oh, and if you could give me directions to Rock City. I have another employment possibility there."

From a Pascoite blog post
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/824440/3000-and-counting

"Hey, Rainbow." Twilight Sparkle fluttered up to the cloud where her friend was napping and took a seat on an insubstantial wisp of vapor. "What are you watching down there."

"Oh, I gave Starlight Glimmer one of my stories and I wanted to see her reaction."

"One of your... stories?" A muscle under Twilight's eye twitched. "You mean one of the stories you wrote about clouds being a more complicated metaphor for life and--"

"Naa," scoffed Rainbow Dash. "One of my Daring Do dramatizations."

"Oh," said Twilight, peering down at the ground. "Fanfic. That explains why she's digging a hole for it."

"And she's..." Rainbow Dash squinted. "She must really have needed to use the bathroom. Is the one in the castle broken?"

"And now she's pouring gasoline on it." Twilight Sparkle considered their altitude and quietly used her wings to lift the cloud so they could get some distance from the incoming inferno.

From the story One Castle Two Alicorns and the natural conclusion
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/415416/one-castle-two-alicorns

"I brought a package for you, Princess Twilight," called out Flash Sentry as he poked his nose through the front door of the castle. "I'm not sure what it is, but it's heavy. I'll bet it's more books. Princess?" He looked back and forth in the entryway, then shrugged and trotted inside. One of these days, Equestria's newest and hottest princess was going to get a contingent of Royal Guards, and when that happy day came around, he intended on having his name at the top of the list.

"Hello?" he called out once he had navigated to the library, the traditional nesting spot of princeps rusticus. "I have a package for Princess Twi—"

Flash stopped cold, looking at the two purple princesses looking back at him. "Oh, my. I'm having that dream again, aren't I?"

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/416186/once-in-a-rainbow-moon by Pineta

Meanwhile, in an observatory somewhere in Equestria...

Five frustrated astronomers stood outside, glaring up at the sky and the misbehaving planets.

"Do you think she's done yet?" asked one right before the sun shifted positions and the moon began to glow several shades of colors, tapering from one edge to another.

"No," said the director of the observatory. "Come on back in and I'll break out that bottle of booze I've been keeping in the bottom drawer. Alicorns," she scoffed. "Treating the sky like it's their own personal playground."

On Boredom, from a Kudzu blog post
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/821098/boredom

With a mighty crash, Blardthorpkz the Unpronounceable slammed one tentacled fist into the side of the Castle of Friendship and howled his rage. "Twilight Sparkle, come out and fight or I will destroy your home, your town, and--"

"Come back in an hour! Two, tops!"

"What?" Blardthorpkz peered in a window of the crystal castle, only to stumble back with several tentacles over his seventh eye. "Ow! What was that for?"

"I'm in the bathroom!" sounded Twilight's voice. "Look, I'm almost done with Daring Do and the Curse of the Silver Sphynx, so just put a cork in it, okay?"

The demonic monstrosity paused, then asked, "Are you up to the point where Daring sets the train on fire and sends it down the tracks to Carbon Dating's secret dig site?"

"That's in the previous chapter," called out Twilight. "I'm up to the point where she stole the Crimson Ruby of--"

"Arrrgh!" screamed Blardthorpkz with tentacles over his ears. "Spoilers!! I'm not there yet!"

"You'll love the part where she distracts the guards with her knowledge of ancient Huzopochian dance, then," continued Twilight, oblivious to the agony she was causing outside the castle. "Now let me read so I can see how she solves the Puzzle of the Seventeen Cubes."

"Those were destroyed!" moaned Blardthorpkz. "Back in the third chapter--"

"But Daring used the Chronic Choker of Calabain to remake them," said Twilight right before the ground shook and the Unpronounceable One tunneled back into the ground on his/her/its way home. After a short time, perhaps a chapter or two, the bookish princess bounded out of the front door of her castle and regarded the relatively small amount of damage around the town.

"Darn," she muttered. "Third time this week."

8. Born to rite, Educated to edit

Thoughtletts

“Each writer is born with a repertory company in his head. Shakespeare has perhaps 20 players. … I have 10 or so, and that’s a lot. As you get older, you become more skillful at casting them.”
—Gore Vidal

This quote struck me as particularly relevant to the MLP world, and to my own writing in particular. We writers tend to build characters in our minds like one would craft a puzzle piece, and when we see that spot where he/she would fit, we pop that sucker right in .

In a reversal of traditional roles, we have Spike gives Twilight The Talk. Naturally, I thought about the most probable reason just *why* Twilight had not learned this lesson previously…

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/434757/spike-gives-twilight-the-talk

"So when does the mare lay her eggs?"

"..."

"And how many? Because I've seen couples with one or two foals, but I've never seen more than about three. And how long does she have to sit on them before they hatch into a foal?"

"I think..." Spike closed his eyes and took a deep breath before getting out a piece of parchment and a quill. "Let's get a higher authority involved, shall we? Please?"

(some time later)

"So, my inquisitive student, I understand you have some questions about..." Celestia paused and looked around the library to make sure they were alone. "How foals are made." She cleared her throat, took a brief glance at where Spike was tapping one clawed foot, and continued. "Who do you think we should ask?"

(Naturally, I consider myself an authority on the question since I’ve written stories where all of the Mane 6 give birth at the same time, where Twilight has a little teaspon/tablespoon mixup with her birth control potion, and where Princess Twilight Sparkle lays an egg and teaches *everypony* in Equestria just how infant alicorns come into the world.)

She tucked her tail in against her damp nethers and tried not to think of how that huge object had theoretically managed to transit that narrow passage without waking her up. Even though it had. And somehow she had gone back to sleep afterwards. Until now.

Although pony reproduction had always been an uncomfortable topic for Twilight Sparkle, she was aware of the basics. The bare basics. The somewhat-sketchy process between mare-meets-colt and the delivery room had always been a topic she had avoided in her studies, except for foal development in the womb and infant care outside. The process of going from inside to outside, as well as the actual… act of reproduction, were much like a visual blind spot to her.
Still, she knew one thing for certain: ponies did not lay eggs.
Dragons laid eggs and hatched them by pouring dragonfire across them, thus triggering the magical process of birth. Birds laid eggs and hatched them by holding them close for several weeks as the little birds grew inside the shells. Lizards even laid eggs and hatched them on warm rocks where Celestia’s sun could incubate them.
Alicorns, however…

Sometimes when I go back to clean up things, I find little snippets I’ve done long ago that deserve to be waved about. Like this one about Twilight’s family reunion
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/295578/from-princess-twilight-sparkle-president-of-the-twinkle-nebula-frie-neutron-family-reunion
Spike looked up at the towering dragon standing rather awkwardly at the front door of the Castle of Friendship. The tip of one giant claw was still extended, and the peals of the doorbell were still echoing through the empty crystal hallways as a pleasant counterpart to the screams of terror still coming from Ponyville, most likely because of the dragon, of course.
"Mom!" Spike scowled up as much as he could do while fighting a smile. "You know what Twilight told you. No visiting in the castle without enough warning to calm down the town." He watched as a screaming pony with her mane on fire galloped past, headed for the stream. "It'll take *forever* to calm them back down again."
"I know, son." Glar’dohan scuffed one gigantic talon in the flowerbed, plowing up most of the nasturtiums Spike had been saving for Rarity's lunch sometime this week. "It's just... Well. Your father kicked me out of the cave, and I don't have anyplace to stay."

Thoughts on Season 9 on the Writers Thread
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/50/the-writers-group/thread/395296/note-this-theory-contains-info-from-the-season-nine-trailer-if-you-do-not-wish-to-know-anything-about-s9-prior-to-release-turn-back-now

Since I’ve done a story similar to the S9 trailer supposed plotline, I had to contribute about how Celestia’s plans for the future might go:

"Twilight! Look, it's going to be decades before Flurry Heart is ready to step into our shoes, and... well..." Celestia bit her bottom lip and looked away with a mumble.

"Excuse me?" Twilight Sparkle nosed a little closer to her mentor, then stopped when she saw the corner of a brochure sticking out from under her wing. A little magic freed the advertisement, and Twilight read it with widening eyes. "Princess Celestia! No!!"

"Actually..." Celestia blushed as she plucked the paper out of Twilight's slackening grip. "Look. That's only part of what Luna and I are scheduled to do over the next few weeks. I'll see if the Mister Universe contest in Cobbleo san Lucho will invite you to be a judge next year. Besides--" Celestia lowered her voice and looked around "--they're going to have a wet-wings contest for the participants. Three hundred hunky pegasi with damp primaries. Just think of it. After all, it's been a thousand years for me." Celestia bared her teeth. "And you wouldn't want to get in my way, would you?"

Twilight swallowed, but kept her chin up. "I'll look after things for Spring Break, but I want you back on the throne the week after. And... um..." It was her turn to lower her voice and look around for observers. "Bring back one of those stallions for me, please?"

Monochromatic had to make a Twiluna post. I contributed.
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/846615/twiluna

Sooo tempted to write something like...

Twilight Sparkle sat up in bed abruptly and cast rapid glances around the library bedroom. Just one night in Ponyville had not gotten her used to living in a tree, even if it was filled with books, and the way the tree creaked and popped in the town's night breeze still made her jerk awake at the most inconvenient times. Spike had no such problem, and was happily snoring away in his box nearby, like he would be more than happy to continue until noon if left undisturbed. Since the moon was still high in the sky, they both had a long time before dawn, so Twilight settled back down into her bed, rolling over on her side and taking in the view of Princess Luna’s teal gaze at the end of her nose with paralyzed astonishment.

“Pardon our intrusion into thy bedchambers, Champion.” Luna bowed her head and kneeled on the thin rag rug of Twilight’s bedroom, which only made her panicked heart beat faster and her mind whirl with the thought that she had obviously missed some sort of letter from Celestia to explain this. Maybe a note. An entry on her calendar?

“T-t-that’s… okay,” managed Twilight after several minutes of intense breathing that made the faint scent of Luna’s sweaty coat begin to hammer away at the back of her mind. The newly freed princess must have flown down from Canterlot to visit Twilight tonight because… Nothing really came to mind. Nothing at all. Zip.

“As you hath vanquished me with the Elements of Harmony,” continued Luna with her head still bowed, “thy will is supreme over mine, and I shall devote my life to bringing you the pleasure you deserve, for as long as you live. I await your command, Champion.”

—-
Winston, of course, had to put in a stopper:

"My command is let me sleep, damnit," Twilight grumbled. "Slavery is illegal in Equestria, whether by conquest or by sale. Now beat it before this gets even weirder."

—
And I, of course, had to put in a topper:

By the next morning, Twilight had convinced herself that Luna's visit was merely the symptom of an undigested bit of parsnip, or perhaps a result of eating the last one of Pinkie Pie’s special muffins before bedtime, and that the resulting dream snippet was only worth bringing up at the luncheon she had scheduled with her friends because of its odd humor. So while the six of them were gathered for a pleasant outdoor meal at the local restaurant, she related the event to them and awaited their snorts of levity, or perhaps even a laugh or two.

Only to have five sets of eyes staring back at her in disbelief.

“Twi.” Applejack pushed her hat back and took a deep breath. “You do know that the Elements of Harmony were used by all of us, right?”

“Of course she realizes that,” said Rarity rather briskly. “It’s just that she did not choose to accept Princess Luna’s generous offer.” After a brief pause, she went on to admit in one quick burst of words, “She’s going to introduce me at court next week.”

“She’s teaching me how to make Cloudscakes,” said Pinkie Pie with a bounce in her seat. “They’re so fluffy!! And they make such a mess that we have to lick—”

“We’re doing nighttime flights,” said Rainbow Dash quickly, punching the air with one hoof. “Up with the stars and moonlit clouds! It’s a whole ‘nother level of competition! And then there’s the snuggles after,” she admitted. “Awesome!”

“So many of my animal friends are nocturnal,” said Fluttershy almost under her breath. “It’s so nice to have somepony who appreciates them with me. Particularly the owlbears.”

After a long silence, Applejack looked at something interesting in the distance and admitted, “Ah only asked her to help out with the harvest this fall since she loves being out among mah trees, and we can work together into the evening. And dagnabbit if the snuggles weren’t pretty durned good too.”

Kris Overstreet has a new idea for a series about Twilight Sparkle book-walking with the Haycartes method through various stories. I thought I’d give him a little push.
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/844653/stupid-sinus-infection-and-the-new-project-revealed

"Twilight! I'm about ready to go! Where are you?" Spike walked around the crystal library calling out her name several more times before giving a shrug. "Meh. Maybe she took my advice and took a walk instead of being trapped inside all day. At least I got her out of her books." He hefted the thick storybook that had been dropped in the middle of the floor and flipped back to the Canterlot Royal Library checkout card. "Oh, heck. It'll be overdue tomorrow. Well, there's no bookmarks in it, so she must be done with it. I'll just take it with me this evening when I head up to Canterlot. She'll be glad she doesn't have to pay the overdue fine. I'm such a good assistant."

Taking a moment to scratch a note and leave it in her crystal chair, Spike headed out the door of the castle, whistling all the way to the train station and his rendezvous with the annual Canterlot Rock and Mineral show. Tomorrow morning, first thing before the sun was even up, he was scheduled to be in line for three wonderful days of gemstones. He'd just have to remember everything for Twilight when he got back.

He never even noticed the tiny pipping cries from the closed book in his bag while he walked.

CoffeeMinion is discussing the NaNoWriMo entry from 2015 about an author trying to write… sexy stories.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/347629/2/stuck-in-the-middle-with-you/the-inevitable-clopfic-drama-nanowrimo-2015

When you used this line, my mind immediately went to the logical conclusion from my own experiences: “Come on. I mean, you’re married, right? Just start with some of what you’re up to with the missus!”

"Are you done yet?"

"Not quite," called out Green Grass. "Almost."

Twilight Sparkle gave out a frustrated huff of exasperation and pawed the ground. "It's unfair! I haven't even had a chance to get started yet!"

"Tough."

"Errraaaahh!!!" Twilight hopped up and down while flapping her wings. "I'm a librarian! I'm supposed to go first!" She hammered on the bathroom door with one hoof, making the entire castle shake. "Come out here right this minute or I'll... I won't let you sleep in the bed tonight."

"You're going to be reading the book anyway," said Green Grass. "Look, if I tore our copy of Hairy Trotter in half and let you have the front--"

"No! Don'tyoudare!" Twilight gave another stern stomp to the bedroom floor, adding to the depth of the pothole she had started several hours earlier. "I don't understand! I promised to give Derpy a blueberry muffin when the new Hairy Trotter book came in if she gave it to me first."

"I gave her two," said Green Grass. "And a head start."

Estee is musing about having one of her stories translated to Chinese for a contest.
SIGAWESOME was wondering how that might turn into a story
I had to put my two bits in
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/844443/because-nothing-has-ever-gone-wrong-with-this-kind-of-request-public-opinion-needed

This also turned into a Never The Final Word entry:
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/387377/84/never-the-final-word-vol-2/georgs-googol-translations-estees-because-nothing-has-ever-gone-wrong-with-this-kind-of-request-public-opinion-needed

"You're being sued."

"What was that, Spike?" Twilight Sparkle looked up from her book to where her faithful assistant was sorting the massive lump of mail they had been receiving every day. Some was trash, and got the dragonfire treatment. Some was misdirected to the wrong princess, and got the special dragonfire treatment. And some was of the unfortunate type that actually had to be opened.

"Says here, a translation of your friendship book in Zebrica uses the same copyrighted phrase as--" he squinted "--a two-hundred year old pillar of their religious faith. Yadda, yadda, there it is. Huh. Friendship is magic translates out in Zebrican the same way, I guess."

"Can't they just change the Zebrican translation?" asked Twilight with her eyes drifting back to her place in the more important Book Of The Moment.

"Not without a change in the source material," said Spike as he read. "It turned up when the book was being translated for the West Windies, and since they have interlocking trade deals--"

"Wait a minute." Twilight put a bookmark where she had stopped reading. "They're translating my book into Windiean from the Zebrican translation?"

"Actually," said Spike with one claw on the letter. "They're translating it from the West Griffish Isles dialect, which translated it from Zebrican, which translated it from Tauren, who took it from your original book." He turned the letter sideways and squinted. "Apparently, it's a guide to dating now. Sweet."

The Writers Group is discussing summoning characters. I thought it was worth an example.
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/50/the-writers-group/thread/390624/accidental-summon

Ok, break this down a little. You have a scene that you want another character *from another world* to show up in. You have basically two options: pull or push.

In Pull, the scene characters do something that *forces* the otherworld character to their location, such as a traditional summoning with pentagrams or the like. In Push, the otherworld character is most likely already traveling through some sort of aether, and winds up emerging where the scene is (by the characters weakening the barrier, making some sort of flare to follow, etc. The first has been done to death, BUT can still be pulled off with the right amount of flair.

"I don't know." Apprentice Corgith glanced over his shoulder as he followed his friend into the Room of World Pools. "I know the Master did not forbid us from using the device, but he never said we could."

"You worry too much." Initiate Wormwood stopped in front of one of the shimmering otherworldly structures, took the long stick off his back, and dug into his pocket. "Besides, we're only looking for your date to the King's Ball, not some sort of extradimensional monster. We just need--" he produced a small sparkling object, which he then tied onto the line "--the right bait. Matched emerald ear-studs, guaranteed to attract a lovely young lady to hang on your arm and accompany you through the worst of social occasions." Giving the pole a quick heft before Corgith could come up with another objection, he made a quick cast into the middle of the shimmering pool and sat down. "Might as well get comfortable. It can take a while."

Belaying his wise observation, the line promptly went taut, and Wormwood heaved back on the fishing pole. "Oh, this one's big. Hope she's not a porker. Yikes!"

With a sharp 'twang' of high-tensile strength line, Wormwood skidded across the ground, coming up short just inches away from the pool due to Corgith's quick reactions. "She's fighting it!" called out Wormwood. "Get ready with the knife. We may have to cut the line or we'll lose the pole."

"I just wanted a date for the ball!" shouted Corgith. "Not a fight!"

At that, the line suddenly went slack, and a few moments later, a statuesque woman strode through the shimmering barrier with the emerald ear studs gripped firmly in one hand. She was most certainly female, because all six breasts were bound in large but sturdy individual brassiere cups made out of cured leather, and her shimmering black hair flowed down her back, done up in a tight braid with small bones peeking out of it, much the same as her long tail. She smiled at the sight of the two mage-apprentices, with the tips of her fangs just barely revealed under her shapely muzzle, before asking, "Did I hear that you're looking for a date to a ball?"

"Yes?" squeaked Corgith.

That evening, as he escorted a primped and pampered Lady Lavine through the well-dressed crowds at the ballroom, Corgith had to admit his friend really knew how to attract a memorable date for such an occasion.

Justice3442 has a nice multiplexed story about Twilight Velvet in EqG.
I thought we needed one with somepony else’s mother.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/429816/mother-of-midnight

“Now if only another pony will accept friendship as well.” Celestia’s tall form strode across the broken rubble of the ancient castle, stopping in front of a huddled dark pony. “Princess Luna! It has been a thousand years since I have seen you like this. Time to put our differences behind us. We were meant to rule together, little sister. Will you accept my friendship?”

Ignoring the astonished gasps from Twilight Sparkle and her friends, the smaller alicorn looked up with tears pouring down her cheeks. “I’m sorry. I missed you so much, big sister!”

“I've missed you, too,” said Celestia, leaning down to nuzzle a damp cheek against her little sister.

“And you think that’s good enough?” Twilight turned her head to see a crack open up in reality itself, a blinding gap of pure light that a bipedal figure strode out of. The creature’s body seemed made out of the cosmic fabric of space itself, embedded with the swirl of stars and distant planets, while her mane flowed down from the top of a very tall head, across her back, and almost to her knees. She walked with long, slow strides of her two legs, poised and graceful despite the obvious issues of balance, and drew up to a stop in front of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, slowly tapping one bare foot while the two royal alicorns cringed down.

“Mom!” said Celestia with a note of unexpected panic in her voice. “You said dad wanted to take a vacation of a few thousand years, and that we’d have to—”

“I know what I said,” thundered the heavenly maternal voice. “Can’t a mother come back home to visit for a few minutes without being questioned? Particularly since my daughters seem to have messed things up so badly in our absence.”

“I’m sorry,” said Luna, cringing even lower than Celestia, only to let out a yelp of pain when the creature reached down with one hand even faster than Twilight’s eye could see to grab the smaller alicorn by one ear.

“Sorry isn’t good enough,” she snapped. “Plunging the world into darkness! Fighting with your sister! We leave behind a perfectly balanced world to find this when we come back! Your father wants to have some words with you!”

Celestia, taking advantage of her mother’s back being turned in her direction, stuck out her tongue at Luna. The childish gesture did not go unnoticed, as the creature’s second hand darted out and grasped Princess Celestia, the ruler of Equestria, and Twilight’s treasured teacher just as firmly by the ear and twisted.

“And you, young lady!” she thundered. “You were supposed to listen to your little sister just as much as your subjects! She’s your sister, after all. I can’t believe I carried such a disobedient creature in my belly for so long just to have her turn out this way! Your father will want a word with you too, and I doubt if you’ll be able to sit down for a week! Now come on! Let’s get this over with. And don’t fight it!” she added as the creature stood up and began walking back to the glowing gap in reality with the two struggling alicorns being towed along by their ears. “Act like adults for a change.”

“She started it!” called out Celestia.

“And I’m finishing it!” snapped the creature. “Until you get back, and if you get back, I’m going to need somepony else to rule over the ponies for a while. Like that one, she looks reliable.”

Twilight Sparkle straightened her back and lifted her head as the creature plucked the crown from on top of Celestia’s head and gave it a toss. “Thank you, Ma’am. I’ll… wait a minute.” She barely noticed as Celestia and Luna, complaining all the way, were hefted through the gap in reality, which closed behind the three of them. She was too busy looking with wide eyes at where the crown had landed. And which one of her other friends it had landed on.

TheJediMasterEd wrote a deep piece on Mary Poppins Returns. I’m rather shallow and felt I should stand up for shallowness.

https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/841948/whose-kite-strings-are-a-lute

I'm willing to say it seems as if you've dug fairly deep in a shallow well, something which people do all the time with my own work. Both Poppins movies (which I loved) are simple escapism, attempts to make old and stodgy creatures, including two children who are getting old before their time, the ability to cast off reality and dream, like children should. Because after all, soon we will be adults, and have to put all that dreaming behind us. And true, they use deeper meaning in songs and stories, but for the purpose of making you let go of that terrible clinging to reality that old adults do so well.

It strikes me that there could easily be a "Twilight, the Early Years" Mary Poppins story in this, where a beleaguered Night Light is sitting in his den one evening, trying to write a Help Wanted advertisement...

Help Wanted: A nanny for a brilliant young unicorn filly who is about to start school. Must be...

Night Light considered the rest of the blank sheet of paper and tried to get his quill to move, but it had stuck quite fast and would not write another line. There had to be something he could put into the advertisement to encompass the situation and still keep under the thirty word limit. Then again, the situation was anything but the kind able to be squeezed into a few lines for a newspaper ad. The rhythmic sounds of Shining Armor practicing his marching in the back yard barely tickled at the tips of his ears, as well as the sound of Princess... That is Cadence upstairs, reading his brilliant little filly a bedtime story involving quantum thaumic particles, something which baffled Night Light right down to his hooves. Give him a pulsar pattern or stellar conjunction and he could talk all day, but outside of that narrow field was very thin grazing.

If only Twilight's mother could continue to care for their precious little filly during the day. Twilight Velvet had sacrificed so much to raise her little Sparkle to this level, and yet the literary bug struggled nightly to escape. His wife wrote as well as his daughter read, and bottling up that creativity for eight years meant that the author Twilight Velvet was about to explode if she did not go back to work at the publishing company right now. She even dreamed of books when she was not stealing a minute or two out of the day to write, which left their brilliant daughter nothing to do but read, and read, and read. Little Twilight read when her father tried to play with her, read when she was in the back yard instead of running around like the other foals, and even read in the bathtub. A nanny for Twilight would find the job trivial if all she did was pass her charge a book when the last one was finished. That may have been what she wanted, but not what she needed.

What she needed was a nanny who... He did not know. Somepony as loving as Cadence, who could not possibly help watch Twilight with all of the Princess responsibilities she was gaining. Somepony as strict as Shining Armor, who could not be more of a Royal Guard Cadet when he entered the Academy in a few months. Somepony as loving as her parents, who could feel her slipping away every day. Somepony... magical.

GaPJaxie’s getting silly. I decide to also.
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/840571/something-silly

Now I want to write a story: Why Celestia Has No Shadow
"Actually... I must confess something, Twilight." Celestia lowered her voice and checked to make sure Luna had finished going down the hallway to her room. "You are quite incorrect. I do have a shadow."
"But you don't!" insisted Twilight. "It's perfectly plain. Even now." She waved a hoof under her fellow alicorn. "See!"
"My shadow is not here, Twilight. It's rather... complicated." Celestia took a short breath. "It's Luna."

9. The End Is A New Beginning

Thoughtletts
The End Is A New Beginning

“Only you can prevent florist fires.”
—Gen. Temcunseh Sherman

It’s FanOfMostEverything appreciation week. He has provided stellar work on Never The Final Word - Volume 2, the minific anthology that provides a little something extra (normally good) to some of our most inspiring fanfics.

In addition, he has a wonderful little story about today’s (S9E23 The Big Mac Question) episode. I thought it needed a little more. Spoiler tagged for slow watchers.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/216531/37/dueling-keyboards/immodest-proposal-s9e23-spoilers-ish

"Princess Celestia, we think..." Twilight Sparkle considered her words and tried some new ones. "Technically, Fluttershy's an alicorn. You know, wings and horn. Horns. The tentacles are... new, I suppose. As are the claws. And antenna. She's undeniably parts of all three kinds of pony, so I suppose we could just mark that down and be done with it."

Her Royal Highness (ret) nodded and sipped her tea, seeming perfectly comfortably at Princess (Jr. Probationary status) Twilight's crystal setting room. There was a degree of ambivalence to her demeanor that bespoke of suppressed maniacal laughter, as well as a smug assurance that this whole thing was Not My Problem.

"Oh, thank the stars," gasped Twilight. "I thought you would be upset. And we have a few months to update any forms needed before the foals are born."

Princess Celestia's spray of tea reached the other wall.

The Writer’s Group had a question on What If Tempest Shadow had been the real villain of the movie? It’s worth some thought.
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/50/the-writers-group/thread/416774/storm-queen-tempest

"Thanks," managed Tempest once she got her hooves under her. "And I'll take that," she added, taking the Staff of Sacanas away from Princess Twilight Sparkle.

While the six mares gaped in amazement, Tempest Shadow raised the staff over her head, and lightning crackled through the sky behind her.

"Behold," she bellowed, "and bow before the might of your new Storm Queen! Buhahaha!"

Then while Twilight was still gawking with her mouth wide open, Tempest pushed the staff back into the crook of her leg.

"Just kidding. You know, before I became old Stormy's minion, I used to have a career in stand-up comedy."

"We saved the wrong one," mused Applejack. "Think we can find any more of them fancy bombs?"

Present Perfect posted this pretty story about Twilight Sparkle being blonde. I mean an oversexed bimbo. Sorry, I get those two mixed together. I had to write a final letter.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/450317/twilight-the-useless

Dear Twilight Sparkle, my faithful student,

Enclosed is something we in Canterlot call a 'Restraining Order.'

No, it has nothing to do with the padded hoofcuffs that you and Cadence played with, or the 'Fungeon' in the palace basement where we had our little 'lessons' in magic. It is a legal document, forbidding you from entering the city of Canterlot for any purpose, or approaching within three miles of my sister.

Your loving teacher,
Princess Celestia

P.S. You should know, I saw her first. Hooves off, kid.

Aquanort wonders what the best reincarnation fic is on the site. I’m not sure, but I’m willing to add a little something of my own.
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/50/the-writers-group/thread/416464/whats-the-best-reincarnation-fanfic-youve-ever-read

For the NON-fanfiction, the choice is obvious: To Your Scattered Bodies Go by Phillip Jose Farmer.

Hm.... Reincarnation fanfic that is *not* "I died and showed up in Equestria" or such. Does it count if the character is reborn as *themself* perhaps? I've done two of those, from The Dance of the Sun to In Tambelon Comes The Hungry Darkness. Hm... I really haven't read enough of those to have one that sticks in my head. Technically, Project: Sunflower would count, since Erin 'dies' and is reborn as Sunflower, and it is epic.

The field of "Alicorns are immortal because they respawn" fiction needs more stories.

Respawn

The familiar feeling of aetherial decoupling and recoupling swept across Celestia before any pain, so the tragic accident was really nothing compared to some of her previous deaths. Still, when her material body reformed in the study and she saw a panicked Twilight Sparkle bending over the corpse of her beloved princess, it brought another pain to her immortal breast. She really should have told Twilight, or at least been more cautious with the spells she had been taught.

"Twilight," began Celestia with the greatest of caution, "please do not--"

With an anguished shriek, Twilight spun in place and her horn flared incandescent. This time, Celestia felt part of the fire that took her life, and after the familiar sensation of rebirth passed, it left her slightly peeved.

"Twilight!" she snapped. "Stop this--"

By the time Celestia could calm down her panicked student, there were a full dozen alicorn corpses in the study, displaying various levels of incinderation and exsanguination, but all of them part of the disposal problem that Celestia was tempted to just leave to the castle staff and to heck with the consequences.

Estee muses on the longevity of a 10-year-old boy and his thousand episodes of life. I muse on it too.
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/871185/twenty-two-years-one-thousand-and-eighty-two-episodes

"Now, I know how upset you all are over our show being cancelled after nine seasons," said Twilight Sparkle from her position of authority next to the picnic basket.

"Actually," started Applejack, "it gives me some more time to spend at the farm, maybe start a family of mah own."

"And I've been running myself positively ragged!" exclaimed Rarity, slumping down on her nearby divan. "What with running three boutiques, teaching at the school, and all of the other responsibilities of proper leadership, I've been under such stress." She lowered her voice to a whisper. "I fear at any time, I might see... a grey hair."

"As I was saying," continued Twilight, waving one of Pinkie Pie's donuts for emphasis, "you're all upset!"

"Not that much," said Pinkie. "I get to finally date!"

"And I know how much you want our franchise to continue," continued Twilight despite the objections. "So I've taken measures--"

"As long as they don't take too long," said Rainbow Dash through a mouthful of crumbs. "I've got a Wonderbolts exhibition this afternoon."

"--to ensure the franchise lasts into the foreseeable future!" There was a rustling in the nearby bushes, and Twilight perked up. "Ah, there they are now."

"There they are!" a familiar young voice called from the bushes. "Pikachu, go!"

"Princess uses Teleport," announced Twilight just moments before there was a flash of purple light and she vanished.

Then the picnic was over as the red and white balls began to fly...

Historical Accuracy by Mr. Numbers relates just how unicorns are superior to all the other ponies because they have one thing - Crossbows.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/447723/historical-accuracy

Naturally, I extended that to the alicorns.

♫ You've come such a long, long way ♫
"Congratulations, Twilight. You're an alicorn now. Here's your crossbow."

"What?"

"All new alicorns get a crossbow. Didn't you know that?"

"What?"

"Admittedly, yours isn't as nice as Luna's, since she's had so much time to customize it. And Cadence put little flowers and hearts all over hers, which I just don't understand. But here it is, all yours. Enjoy."

"What?"

(Much later)
"Congratulations, Cadence. Shining Armor. Your new foal looks adorable! Here's her crossbow."

How We Burn
A deep and thoughtful story on just what it means to be a book… err… pony, by Cold in Gardez.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/447609/how-we-burn

A short commentary by me that degrades the whole wonderful thing into a one-shot cheap gag.

“But maybe he can change too. Maybe that’s why he came back.”

Celestia fixed her student with the most firm gaze possible. "Twilight Sparkle," she stated in a voice that brooked no disobedience, "you may have grown from my student into a princess of your own, but this is beyond your powers. Even Luna and myself can not--"

"Luna and I," said Twilight almost automatically. Celestia did not seem upset at all about being interrupted, but the faintest ghost of a smile came over her stern expression.

"Perhaps I am wrong," she said. "To change, he will need more than a princess. He will need... an editor."

Twilight Sparkle swallowed, then produced a red pencil. "I believe I can do this, Princess. Let me try, at least."

Daedalus Aegle had some thoughts on Frankenstein, Friendship, and Twilight Sparkle (seriously, writers have some of the strangest ideas).

https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/868389/things-that-happen-in-the-course-of-the-creative-process

I have to admit a little bit of the inspiration for Twilight Sparkle Makes a Coltfriend.... Literally came from that.

(FYI: from what I understand, the letter he refers to is linked here, in a style that would be... interesting to reproduce in MLP.)

To Mrs. SAVILLE, England.

St. Petersburgh, December 11, 17--.

YOU will rejoice to hear that no disaster has accompanied the commencement of an enterprise which you have regarded with such evil forebodings. I arrived here yesterday; and my first task is to assure my dear sister of my welfare, and increasing confidence in the success of my undertaking.

I am already far north of London; and as I walk in the streets of Petersburgh, I feel a cold northern breeze play upon my cheeks, which braces my nerves, and fills me with delight. Do you understand this feeling? This breeze, which has travelled from the regions towards which I am advancing, gives me a foretaste of those icy climes. Inspirited by this wind of promise, my day dreams become more fervent and vivid. I try in vain to be persuaded that the pole is the seat of frost and desolation; it ever presents itself to my imagination as the region of beauty and delight. There, Margaret, the sun is for ever visible; its broad disk just skirting the horizon, and diffusing a perpetual splendour.

To Ms. Moondancer, Canterlot.
Ponyville, EQ, June 28, 947 M.E.

YOU may have heard that my teacher, Princess Celestia, has assigned me a new task, and despite your tendency to consider every move that I make to be the harbinger of some dire plague or catastrophe, put your mind at ease. The full details of Princess Luna's return have been classified, but with joy in my heart, I must pass along that I had a part, no a pivotal role in that achievement. At the earliest opportunity, I shall endeavor to bring you up to speed, but for now, I shall focus on this town, and my place within.

It is a small place, nestled at the foot of the great mountain upon which we both have lived our lives...

I paralleled it with an observation that the style appeared to be something Rarity would be familiar with. Nature took its course.

"Live!" cackled Rarity as she yanked on the ropes, causing the elaborate mechanism to clatter and creak. "Live, my creation! Let the power of nature give it... LIFE!!"

"Uhhmm..." groaned the thing under the covers until a purple hoof emerged and groped for the nearby pillow. "UHHH!!" it moaned more energetically, eventually getting a grip on its prize and heaving it at the cackling unicorn who was standing by the open window with the curtains flung wide. "Rarity!" groaned Twilight, who found herself without anything to cover her head from the unyielding beam of sunlight pouring in through the open crystalline window of her castle. "I said I'd help you this afternoon!"

"It is afternoon, Darling," purred Rarity. She produced Twilight's Extra Large Princess-Sized Coffee Mug (on sale at the castle giftshop for 25 bits, free refills) and waved it near the edge of the bed so the tempting aroma of Bittern's Bitter Biting Brew wafted in the direction of the petulant princess. "And if you don't get out of bed soon, it will be evening, and I shall be forced to see if Rainbow Dash can bring me some thunderclouds for a proper awakening. Tell me, when I attach the electrodes, are you AC or DC?"

GapJaxie lays out his schedule to Bronycon and made an off-hand comment in it that I’m *really* going to write someday. Honest
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/865339/breakdown-cruise

Turns out when you're writing Star Wars fanfiction you can't just have winged horses show up and talk without explaining it.

Yes, but you CAN do it.

Alone, freezing to death and unable to move was not how Luke Skywalker had planned to spend his day. He should have been despondent with the hopeless situation he was in, far away from the rebel base with nobody to rescue him, but he refused to give up. He had managed to get away from the ferocious beast in the ice cave by using his rudimentary Jedi power and his father's lightsabre, so all he needed to do was get up...

"Luke," called out a familiar voice. It could not be real. The subzero storm sweeping in would have prevented the base from sending anybody out to save him. And yet...

"Ben?" he managed to wheeze while looking at the impossible figure a few feet away, glowing softly in the fading twilight.

"You must go to the Eqquis system," said the blurred image of Ben Kenobi. "There, you will learn the ways of the Force, from the one master who taught us all over a thousand years ago."

"B-but what about Yoda?" gasped Luke.

"He held out for too much money," said the ghost of his old friend. "Remember, Master Celestia will guide your steps, but beware of the dark side."

"The Dark Side of the Force?" managed Luke.

"No, the Dark Side of the Horse," said Ben. "Luna's a hopeless flirt. Look, it will make more sense after you get covered in animal guts. Your friend is almost here, so make sure to hold your nose."

Estee has a wonderful tribute to R. Lee Emery in Like a Well-Oiled Machine. So when I saw the possibility of seeing another story with that character, I couldn’t restrain myself.

https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/865278/fine-but-only-because-i-know-a-breakout-character-when-i-see-one

"JUST WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION, MAGGOT? HOW DARE YOU CHICKEN OUT WITH ONLY ONE APPEARANCE! THESE RECRUITS ARE STILL JUST AS GREEN AS GRASS AND SO WET BEHIND THE EARS THEY'RE IN SEVERE RISK OF A FUNGAL INFECTION, AND THAT WOULD BE AN IMPROVEMENT! NOW DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY!!"

"Um, sir?" The cowering clerk behind the counter peered out around the cash register. "This is the Oatburger. I think you want Twilight Sparkle's castle over--"

"DID I ASK FOR YOUR INPUT, YOU WORTHLESS SACK OF SKIN AND BONES? DID I COME BOWING TO YOUR HIGHNESS'S HOOVES REQUESTING SOME SORT OF DIVINE FAVOR FROM YOUR PANSY-ASSED LIPS? I'VE SCRAPED MORE MEANINGFUL THINGS OFF MY HOOVES AFTER A BRISK FIFTY MILE HIKE IN FULL ARMOR AND GEAR! NOW START THOSE PUSH-UPS WHILE I LOOK OVER YOUR WORTHLESS MENU IN THE FORLORN HOPE OF FINDING SOMETHING EATABLE IN THIS STAR-FORSAKEN RAT WARREN!"

Jmac made a wonderful Feghoot about Toon Physics. I chipped in a few stitches.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/444679/apples-of-inspiration-and-their-effects-on-time-and-relative-dimensions-in-space

"What are you doing, Rarity?" Twilight Sparkle peered into the Carousel Boutique, where Rarity was knitting up a storm. "It's summer, and you're knitting a jumper suit?"

"It's Pinkie Pie," said Rarity, not stopping one click of her knitting needles. "She's attracted the attention of the Doctor, and I'm determined to win him back. I believe he has an affinity for pink, so I acquired as much of the rare Pink Marino sheep wool as I was permitted, on account that the ownership of it is restricted. I believe I have just enough to cover my summer coat, and win his heart."

"Oh, that explains it," said Twilight. "You have a white short coat and a pink yarn ration."

Daedalus Aegle had this wonderful blog post about beetle wings being used in dressmaking and I had to take that to its logical conclusion
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/864734/just-gonna-throw-this-out-there

"Rarity, I--"

"Doesn't it look fantastic, darling?"

"Yeah, but--"

"Such glitz! Such attention! So many ponies watching my creation! Oh, and Twilight is modeling the dress quite well too, don't you think?"

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. Fluttershy says--"

"She's following my directions perfectly. See the short, steady steps, the way she's holding her wings. Oh, having a princess model my Sparkletastic Skirt during the fashion show was genius, Rarity! Sheer genius!"

"Ah think you've been hanging around Trixie too much. But as I was saying'--"

"I just wish I knew why Twilight has started twitching like that. And it's getting worse."

"It's the lights. Fluttershy says them beetles you used on her dress get active in the sunlight."

"Oh, my."

"And they bite when they get active."

"Oh, my! I do hope she can finish her turn on the catwalk before--"

"Afore that happens, you suppose? Then again, I ain't seen her move like that in months. It's probably good exercise. And it's better than her dancing."

"True, I suppose. I just wish she hadn't started stripping off the dress in the middle of that. She really should have considered my reputation. I mean her reputation, that is."

Pascoite made this wonderful Feghoot about Applejack having a well with a bunch of pesky creatures around it that can only be kept at bay with wood, and I read it through, enjoyed it, and… well, it was just sitting there, and I had this wooden pencil…
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/444541/just-leave-well-enough-alone

"Are you sure you don't want me to put some magical protections around your well, Applejack? It would only take a minute."

"Naa," scoffed the farmer. "Although, if yer goin' back that way, you could take.... Oh, this old rocking chair here and put it next to the well. That'll be enough wood to keep them varmints at bay, easy."

"That makes sense," said Twilight, marking a note on her form and lifting the chair in her magic. "A picked chair is worth a thousand wards, after all."

(Like I said, the story was just sitting there, and I had this pencil...)

Hey, found one from a while ago on The Martian, where their changeling mission specialist has podded herself and won’t come out. So they use the most drastic of measures.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/396744/the-maretian

Mark Watney squatted next to the dark alien pod, feeling a little silly as he talked, but less silly than a few minutes ago when they all had taken turns wacking on the pod with a short length of metal tubing. (Fireball had hit the pod twice, although lightly, because he said 'The bug flinched, so she gets two.)

"Dragonfly, I just wanted you to know, you forced us into doing this. We sang to you, we hugged your pod, and we even followed your queen's advice with the stick so don't hold that against us. You need to wake up and get back to work. There's suits to patch and work to do on the Whinnybago and all kinds of things that only you can do. The Equestrians have done all they can do, and so it's down to some of our Earth magic to get your lazy bug butt out of bed. I don't want to do this, but you leave me no choice."

Mark placed a small plastic box on the ground, connected by wires to one of the midsize experiment batteries.

"Blame Martinez for this. He left an old MP3 player in his luggage with a couple of Disney songs on it. I found an appropriate one and put it on infinite repeat. The battery should keep it running for about a week, so you'll have company while we're back at the Hab, trying to do your job. Stop by when you're ready to get back to work."

Then he walked back to the cluster of ponies waiting for him at the cave airlock for their ride back to the Habitat Module.

Sometime later when everypony was getting ready for a short night's sleep, there was an unexpected change in pressure, and the Habitat airlock module cycled, revealing a changeling taking off her helmet who looked somewhat like Dragonfly except for the exotic paint scheme and the look of pure fury in her eyes.

"It's not a small world!" she frothed, flinging her helmet into her bunk and moving her head back and forth as she looked around the module. "This is not a small world after all! There's nothing small about it! That blasted (chirp) (screech) (hiss) song just kept playing and playing and playing until I couldn't stand it any more! Where is he! I'm going to kill him! No, I'm going to stuff this (hiss) (screech) music player into his suit and pod him and see how he likes having that blasted song rattle around in his head over and over and over!"

Here’s another one from ancient history: Six to Eight Weeks Dungeon by ocalhoun where a busybody determines that Fluttershy’s ‘friends’ are really pets, and thus she can legally be evicted and the ‘pets’ collected. Princess Twilight Sparkle objects, and tosses the busybody in jail… Yeah, read it.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/303739/six-to-eight-weeks-dungeon

“Wait a minute,” declared Princess Twilight Sparkle, deep in thought. “Bring Miss Sugar Berry back here for a moment, Rainbow Dash. I think I have a solution that will satisfy all of us.”

A few moments later, the code enforcement officer sat reluctantly at a small table. Discord was serving tea with small steaming cups of a delightful golden beverage for all of the ponies except for Sugar Berry, who appeared to have something vaguely six-dimensionsional and hungry lurking in her teacup.

“I just wanted to get a few things straight, Miss Sugar Berry,” said Twilight with a ladylike sip of her tea, just as Celestia had taught her. “According to Ponyville code, a ‘pet’ is defined as a non-sapient creature that is under the control of a sapient creature, either by confinement or by training, correct?”

“Y-yes,” said Sugar Berry, eyeing a set of sugar cookies on the table that seemed to be eyeing her back. “Although I fail to see how having me assaulted to provide an elementary definition fits in your role as Princess of Friendship.”

“I’m getting there,” said Twilight with a wave of her hoof at the large swath of animals who surrounded their table, each looking on with various degrees of depression. “And since none of Fluttershy’s animals are restrained except for the chickens and Angel bunny, who I see tied up by the house, all of the rest of these animals—”

“Pets!” insisted Sugar Berry.

“—animals,” continued Twilight, “are considered pets instead of wildlife because they obey the resident pony, correct?”

“Indeed,” said Sugar Berry with a sniff.

“Very well,” said Twilight. “Fluttershy, I need you to do something for me. Tell every one of your friends that Miss Sugar Berry is not to be attacked in any fashion. Can you do that, please?”

“Of course, Twilight.” Fluttershy sniffed one last time and blew her nose into a kerchief held out to her by a nearby bear. “Thank you, Hairy. Now all of you, listen up. I don’t want any of you to hurt the mean Missus Sugar Berry in any way, do you understand?”

As all of the animals nodded, Fluttershy turned back to Twilight. “I know you think my friends might be angry, but I don’t think any of them would actually hurt her.”

“We’ll see,” said Twilight, turning back to the code enforcement officer. “So all of the animals here that obey Fluttershy and do not attack you, are obviously her pets, and you intend on removing them, correct?”

“Correct,” said Sugar Berry with a thin, victorious smile.

“And by the same rule, any of the animals here who do attack you in any fashion are wild animals, and can remain.”

“Corr—” The response froze in Sugar Berry’s throat as she looked at the circle of animals that surrounded their little tea party. The shrinking circle.

“Perhaps,” she started with a small, dry cough, “we can come to some sort of agreement.”

Darned Feghoot contests. Look, it was just sitting there…
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/442196/si-vis-bellum-para-scilis

One untold tale of the disaster involved the pony diplomat who was left behind in Zebrica for the rest of his life because he just could not keep his mouth shut. Instead of taking the explanation of the Zebra at face value, he just had to keep poking and prying on an alternative to the ant theory of combustion. Eventually he came up with a theory that the Zebrican Fire Mouse was actually to blame, a creature similar to the Fire Ant as it reproduced by fission, but was more of a pest and had little use as a common match replacement. The rest of the pony delegation derided him for the foolish idea, and with his reputation in tatters, he remained in the country when the rest of them went home. Over the years, he became an expert in the field of odd Zebrican flora and fauna with several books published and some species actually named after him, but his true claim to fame turned out to be the way he had been left behind as the first example ever of a mouse divided carnot strand.

My Little Pony meets Spaceballs. How could I resist adding something?
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/441202/ludicrous-scene-go

“Honey?” Shining Armor gently prodded his sleeping wife until he received a more-or-less sapient grunt. “Honey, I’ve got a question.”

“Can it wait until morning?” grumbled Cadence, although she opened one eye to observe her adorable bed-headed hubby.

“I was just thinking and...” The words spilled out in a cascade. “Have you ever thought we all exist just as advertising gimmicks to sell little plastic models of ourselves to young girls so they can have tea parties and brush manes and make up stories about our adventures?”

“You are so much like your sister.” Cadence reached out with one forehoof and tugged until Shining Armor was once again flat in bed against his pillow, then covered him with one wing and several kisses. “No,” she added between extra kisses. “You’re completely wrong.”

Then, because she was an alicorn after all, she waited until Shining Armor had just allllllmost faded away into sleep against her shoulder before adding, “Princess Luna collected the entire set, including the Star Mares characters, after all.”

“What!”

Cadence closed her eyes with a giggle. “Good night, Prince Skytrotter.”

Impossible Numbers wrote a story about Celestia getting love letters for Hearts and Hooves Day. I noticed one was missing.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/440169/romancing-the-sun

Celestia frowned at the last letter remaining, one that had shrugged off her speed-reading spell like a waxed duck, and similarly resisted the spell that had wisked all the rest of the letters off to their storage location. It had been several centuries since she had last received an envelope shimmering with the magic of the Underdark, written in the coiling and writhing symbols of the Unspoken Tongue.

“Seriously, I thought he/she/it/them were over me,” she muttered, gently applying a line of her magic to the eendges of the envelope and extracting out the folded piece of hide concealed inside. Rows of blackened words were restrained by tiny staples of Itchean Silver, stapled down to the page so they would not wriggle free and cause mischief in the World of the Real, which was nice, considering all the trouble Celestia had tracking down the aftereffects of the last love letter. “A sestina,” she murmured, looking over the letter. “Impressive. Oh, come on!” The last words came out in a burst as she crammed the letter back into its envelope regardless of its struggles.

A few minutes later, Celestia rapped solidly on her sister’s bedroom door. “Here!” she snapped when Luna blearily opened the door. “One of your love letters got misaddressed.”

The Writers thread commenters wander into the strangest places.
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/50/the-writers-group/thread/401718/have-you-ever-found-yourself-preferring-to-write-a-certain-type-of-character-throughout-your-writing-history

The most current example is writing a Twilight whose parents weren't changed back after being turned into plants by her magical surge leaving her and Shining Armor orphaned.

"I know." Twilight Sparkle sighed and returned to watering the flowers in the Golden Oak Library windowbox. "Growing up after I lost my parents was so difficult. But now I'm here, and I have so many wonderful friends!" She put the watering can down and gave Applejack a brief hug. "Thank you for sharing."

"Tain't nuthing," said Applejack as Twilight turned around to gather some nearby books. "Fact is, Granny done her best to raise us up right like my parents, and Ah've kept myself busy with the apple farm since then. It cracked our family, but didn't quite break it, and we've been growing it back together ever since." She nipped a blossom off the nearby flower and chewed while thinking. "Ah think they'd be right proud of the way we--"

"Mom!" screamed Twilight Sparkle, darting back over to the window and the flower that had just provided her friend a morning snack. "Are you hurt!"

Cold in Gardez muses on Harry Potter and how it relates to The Starlight Pals Magical Half-Hour, and somehow the topic wandered into Ticketmaster.

https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/852967/harry-potter-and-the-undercurrent-of-sexual-tension-between-our-two-lead-female-characters

Why I thought this, I have no idea.

Dear Princess Celestia,
No thanks. Here are the tickets. I'd rather spend the day in Ponyville with my friends.
--Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight Sparkle,
Here are the tickets back, and four more tickets for your friends,
--Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia.
I wouldn't want to leave Spike at home by himself. Here are your tickets back. Sorry.
-- Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight Sparkle.
Fine. Here are seven tickets, plus one for anypony you happen to see who needs one. No excuses. Get your flank here and stand with me to shake hooves with every one of these nitwits or I'm cutting off your allowance.
--Princess Celestia, your teacher

Dear Princess Celestia,
Why can't you have Princess Luna stand with you? And besides, I don't get an allowance. Here are your tickets back.
--Twilight Sparkle

...

“My, my, sister.” Princess Luna waved her hoof to get a cramp out of it during a lull in their hoof-shaking. “I had no idea how popular your parties are. I think the entire town of Ponyville is here tonight.”

“Shut up,” muttered Celestia. “Darned kid.”

10. Chapter of Ultimate Madness

Thoughtletts
Chapter of Ultimate Madness

“You’re only given one little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.”
—Robin Williams

Some of these wound up in Never The Final Word - Volume 2 (This time it’s personal), but I’m including them here because I’m too lazy to pick them out, like raisins in Raisin Bran. Besides, they’re good for you.

Present Perfect asks who would you ship with Starlight. I understand the OTP needed.
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/894567/who-would-you-ship-with-starlight

She is my sun, my desire, and I long to be with her always. Her every breath brings joy to my innermost self, and I lean as close as I can to breathe in her scent while she is bent over her desk, hard at work. Spiced chillis and cinnamon tease my senses, bringing a thrill that exceeds all of my previous experiences. Taco Tuesday, of course, my favorite time of the week, and when I put on the most weight.

I yearn to nibble back when she gives me a thoughtful nip during a break in her studies, but alas, I dare not even try. I am a slave to her caress, bending to her touch with a surge of unattainable desire, for our differences are such that the love I feel throughout my body can never be quenched by the mingling of our bodies and production of offspring.

Or can we?

I take the time to display my desire to my love, shyly concealed from the view of others, and await her response. I yearn to see the seed of life grow within her, but to my dismay, even this rare display of my sexual prowess is ignored. Or at least until my hated rival approaches and engages my love with her crude attempts at intimacy.

"Hey, Starlight!" Trixie hopped up and sat on the principal's desk, giving Phyllis a shove to make space. "The school buckball game is about to start, and they're waiting on a certain great and powerful principal to make the opening announcements. Hey, you saved me a snack."

Trixie gave a quick bite at the white flower showing in Phyllis's foliage, only to have Starlight Glimmer yank the pot away from her at the last moment. "Strange," she murmured, looking at the tiny white flower. "I didn't know philodendrons flowered."

"Leave your botanical studies for school time," said Trixie, giving her friend a shove. "I've got a few hundred pounds of illegal fireworks to set off before somepony catches me, and after the buckball game is the perfect time to dispose of the evidence... I mean celebrate our school victory."

"Okay, okay." Starlight trotted for the door, turning back at the last minute to pluck the white flower out of Phyllis's pot and tuck it behind her ear.

As she left her office for the evening, she never even heard the inaudible screams of the mangled plant as it mourned the loss of its masculinity while clinging to the faint positive of his love being displayed for all to see.

If only she understood his pain, both physical and emotional.

Coffee Minion is taking a sabbatical. I wonder if anybody else is considering it
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/891183/sabbatical

You know, we need a story about Twiggles taking a sabbatical.

Dear Princess Celestia,
Since Tirec destroyed my house last week, and I've got a new crystal castle to get broken in, I think this is a good time for me to take a sabbatical. I'll see you when I get back in a year.
Your fellow princess
Twilight Sparkle

The ground shook under the footfalls of the titanic animated Ghost Apple tree as it stomped toward town, bellowing at the top of its lungs and swiping at passing ponies. Well, all except for a relaxed alicorn taking in a sandwich at the local deli.

"Sabbatical!" she called out, which made the huge tree pause, then look down. "I'm off work until next year, so if you want to make an appointment or something?"

"Greouuufffff," breathed the huge plant.

"A week after I get back," mused Twilight as she scribbled in her calendar. "Got it. Hope it's not too much inconvenience, but I really needed some me time."

"Hasssffffullll," groaned the animated tree as it turned and began making its way back to the forest.

"You're welcome!" called out Twilight, then took another bite of her sandwich. "Don't know why I didn't do this earlier."

Estee makes a short blog post on a Pokemon character Grand Oak. I add the logical extension

https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/889092/kanto-legalized-it

Legalized...oak?

“So, Twilight,” panted Spike while raking furiously, “ why do we gather up all of the library leaves and store them in the basement every year?”

Twilight Sparkle took a long drag off her cigarette, held it for a while, then let it out in a long whoosh. “Because sometimes Mama just needs a little something special for her nerves when we come back from missions.”

Errant has a wonderful little story about Rarity confronting Twilight Sparkle about her failure to find appropriate dates. I had to scribble something in the margins.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/457709/twilight-sparkle-has-a-type

"No psychological profiles?" Twilight tried her best not to scowl as she trotted back into her crystal castle. "The nerve! To think I do psychological profiles on anypony that might fit into a prospective dating pool!" She stalked into the second library annex, the one she had kept clear of books so she could have enough table space and file cabinets for her research project. "I can't believe Rarity of all ponies would think I kept psychological profiles on anypony."

She yanked the drawer labelled 'Ra-Re' open and leafed through the folders inside until she found the one she wanted, then made a few changes inside.
☑ - Overly nosy
☑ - Honest and direct

A few moments with an abacus revealed the end score was unchanged, and she jammed the folder back into the file cabinet with a growing sense of discomfort. "They're not psychological profiles," she muttered. "They're compatibility matrices. Totally different."

The Writer’s Group had a nice thread on Is Princess Cadence an Empath. I took it to the natural end.
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/50/the-writers-group/thread/425550/is-princess-cadence-an-empath

"Look, honey. I had to. You know it."

"Yeah," grunted Shining Armor, still looking out the window.

"He was holding the entire empire hostage. He was threatening our ponies. I didn't have any choice."

"I know, dear." Shining Armor finally looked back at the bed, where the Griffon emperor was curled up around Princess Cadence, who was politely fending him off at hoof's length. "It's just... we have an army." He gave a brief unhappy snort. "It was my turn, anyway."

"You can have the next one, Shiny." Cadence patted the edge of the covers. "Now, come to bed."

Grimm has a wonderful story called “And I Would Live in Stone” about Chrysalis and her future.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/454522/and-i-would-live-in-stone

Airy Words has a nice addendum. I added an additional addendum.

There was no choice. I spat defiance at my eternal enemy, determined to meet my end as a Queen, not a mewing grub.

And then... Twilight smiled. Oh, not the smile of viciously crushing an enemy beneath her hoof. A smile of victory, of complete triumph, and joy.

“Good,” she said beneath her breath, and turned for the exit to my pestulant prison. “Walk with me, Your Majesty, one last time. There is something I must show you.”

I was sore tempted to merely remain sprawled out where I was, but there was something about the gait of the purple menace, a ginger motion of pain withheld no matter how she set one hoof after another. So I followed, cautious despite my temporary infirmity and gathering what meager scraps of power I could during the short trip.

There at the entrance to Tartarus, she stood. Proud. Noble. Vulnerable to a single stroke from behind which would end our battle forever, if I had the strength, which I did not. Instead, I continued until I stood beside her, and gaped at the sight below in the valley.

It was a city of steel and stone, stretching up to the sky and glittering in the sunlight like a faceted jewel of immense size. Through the artificial canyons and cliffs flew all the creatures of Equestria, from griffons and pegasi all the way to those colored monstrosities which once were my own children, and spread out in the streets below were the rest. Carriages of mysterious unknown origin traveled the narrow paths between pedestrians, and even soared into the sky without a single creature pulling them, although it was difficult to tell from the colorful advertisements which adorned every flat surface of both vehicles and buildings.

The sight should have brought an invigorating burst of emotions to feed upon, but all I could feel was a dull malise, which thickened as my nemesis spoke.

“Thousands of years of peace. I thought friendship was the answer, but after a time… Without challenges to their lives, the citizens of Equestria have grown slothful and complacent. My own student who rules in my stead since my retirement does not even have friends of her own anymore.”

“My heart bleeds,” I mutter, although I conceal a burst of joy at the sight of the complacent citizenry, so ripe for plunder and my own rule.

Twilight looks up into the sky and takes a deep breath, tainted with the scent of petrochemicals and rot that fill my own nostrils. “I know in her heart, she can bring the world back into balance. What she needs… is you.”

“Me?” I snarl. “I will not bend to your will, so what makes you think I will— wait.”

To my consternation, the alicorn is still smiling, as if my every word had been anticipated. Far worse, her body is beginning to fade in the bright sunshine, and I begin to see her devious scheme.

“You think I cannot defeat your overfed spawn?” I spit at the fading alicorn. “I will crush her! I will grind her bones to powder, and bring all of your beloved creatures under my rule! For thousands of years, I have not yielded! Equestria will be mine!”

“Good,’ says Twilight. “That’s exactly what she needs.”

Then there is nothing but a few wisps of fading purple light chasing around the sunbeams. I fume and scream at what can no longer hear my profanities, tear up the ground, and gnash my fangs in frustration. My vengeance cries out for her blood in vain, for my nemesis has gone where I dare not follow. Even the open doors to Tartarus behind me fail to give me allies in my quest to the power I deserve, for all of the imprisoned monsters are gone, warped and twisted to the sickly cause of Friendship, save myself.

After a time, I cease my futile ranting and consider my options. It would serve Twilight right if I were to accede to her constant requests after she had passed, but I spit that out and grind a hoof into the idea. To be honest with myself, as I hate doing, there is only one path I can take where my victory over her is assured. Only one option left to the last Changeling Queen in the world.

I gather my strength and walk into the valley, looking forward to the fight.

JediMasterEd has a poignant blog post about radio and vacuum tubes. I can’t help it. I blame the moose.
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/878675/armies-of-the-night

Subtle? I don't believe I know that word. (Although I am a fan of R. Crumb)

It was the Seventh Cycle of Renewal before Oosh taught me of the ancient race, an experience that shaped my every cycle since with endless questions and curious exploration. I was but a few hundred units in weight, nowhere near large enough to maintain my own hydrogen flame by gravity alone, and needed to gather near my elders while accumulating mass and knowledge. He held my exosphere in gentle gravitational lensing until I had achieved a parabolic shape, and watched silently for several pulses until I spoke.

"There is nothing but random noise in the spectrum, ancestor. It is a common radio star."

"Listen," rumbled Oosh in the sloshing of metallic hydrogen and second-generation metals deep within his core. "Divide the song, split it by frequencies over and over until you can distinguish the Song among the Songs. There, you will find the Humans which live in your deepest core memories, which have been passed from the One unto you."

It made little sense, but I did as he requested, stretching further with my tenuous accretion disk and refining the curvature of my body until I felt... Not one Song, but thousands upon thousands, split by frequency and amplitude, burst in packets of digital ones and zeroes, woven and mixed until I lost myself in their glory.

"Ahh," rumble Oosh. "You hear." His own bulk effortlessly swelled into a parabolic disk a thousand times my size. "Focus, young one, and you will hear the gift that The One gave to this small speck so many Cycles ago. Every timeperiod they call a year, it repeats, a Song of Joy to the Sacrifice of our One who proclaimed their own One."

And there it was, in the crude language of their kind that only made the Song greater. I remained with Oosh until the Song was over, and accepted his gift of hydrogen and sodium, before drifting back out to my stable orbit. There have been many Cycles since, but every timeperiod relative to that distant place, I listen and wonder. Thousands upon thousands of their timeperiods have passed since they sang their Songs, carried on the electromagnetic winds of radio waves. There have been times when I have skipped through the Underspace to listen to the way the Song changes over time, although I have never undertaken the great journey it would take to skip to their world and see what has become of the Singers. It is sufficient to think of how their kind must have reclined in lakes of liquid hydrogen and Sang their Songs of Joy every timeperiod, rejoicing over their own One in their special way. Sometimes I wonder about the knowledge I have of their language, how we can understand what these unknown creatures Sang so long ago. Or perhaps those same creatures shed their singing forms to become us, rising into the stars alongside their Song.

thatoneguyisbestpony has a ‘Ponies on Earth’ story in Admiral Biscuit’s challenge which is just an adorable look at what human and pony construction workers have to go through. Of course I added to it.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/454353/the-new-pony

I would imagine each pony race would have their own construction idiosyncrasies.

"Hey!" I waved the new guy over. Just when I was getting used to having a pegasus on the crew, here came something else to knock my sanity into the scrap pile. "Bender, can I get a moment, please."

"Sure thing, Boss." The unicorn stopped under my stepladder and looked up with big yellow eyes, which went well with the hard hat (with hole for his horn) and bright yellow vest. If there were some sort of dress code for construction workers, Bender could have strutted down the runway in a minute. He even managed to keep his hair... that is mane neatly combed at the end of the day when he took the hard hat off. "Oh, you found the T junction splice I had to do in order to meet the LEED standards for air circulation. I was going to tell you about that as soon as I tested the other airflow diverter, just to make sure it was going to meet code. We'll need a change order, too."

"What do you mean, diverter?" I asked, waving one hand at the air return. "This goes straight into that support beam! It can't--" As impossible as it seemed, there was airflow coming out of the unfinished ductwork, and when I bent over and looked through it, I could see daylight and part of a tree. Which was a pretty good trick, considering the only trees on the site were on the other side of the building, and there was no sign of any cuts on the support beam.

"I thought bringing in fresh air from under the maple tree would make the building smell better," continued Bender, "so I employed a simple n-orthogonal dimensional bracing strut splice to cross-link the spatial coordinates. Once I finish the thermal exchanger and retune the spinwise torquing, the exhaust air should match the intake air temperature within a quarter of a degree. Not the best solution, but it's the best I could do given the time available if we're going to finish next week."

ArgonMatrix has this wonderful short story about Grogar visiting Princess Twilight Sparkle and negotiating a ‘please don’t shoot me in the face with rainbow lasers and I’ll be good, ok?’ deal, and I just couldn’t leave well enough alone.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/454028/friendship-bewitched

"So..." Starlight Glimmer moved her ficus to the other side of the principal's desk next to the 'Best Headmare Ever' mug full of empathy cocoa and just observed Twilight for a moment. There were twitches, and sprung up hairs, as well as that creepy smile to observe, which really did not proclaim 'The Princess of the Realm is Sane' in any kind of body language. Instead of calling for the School Counselor (which would not have helped Twilight's stress level, since Starlight Glimmer had not found a way to break the news about Trixie's new job to Twilight Sparkle yet), she let out her breath and asked, "How can the School of Friendship help you?"

"I've... got a new student for you," started Twilight before rolling right into her next question. "Do you remember when we talked a few months ago about how I had been so angry that Princess Celestia would pawn off her problems on me, and you said it was because she was testing to see if I'd be a good princess at first, and to see how good a job I'd do with ruling the kingdom later, and I laughed and laughed?

"Yes..." started Starlight Glimmer slowly.

"Well, I just wanted to say congratulations ahead of time and to get preening lessons from Rainbow Dash when you have a chance because here's your new student and good luck!"

There was a flash of purple, and Twilight Sparkle was gone. There was, however, a creature remaining in her place.

Starlight took a cautious sip of her cocoa, let out her breath, and made her best attempt at a smile. "Welcome to our school?"

MaxTheBlack has a wonderful chapter on the advantages of proper rest. I grabbed my can of spray paint to add a little something
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/445461/14/your-family-and-you/chapter-13-to-see-if-i-still-feel

Rx - The Big Hairy Creature Living in the Library

For: Sleeping disorder

Administer one purple alicorn at bedtime (topical) as needed. Caution: Do not take with alcohol. Unexpected results may occur if other female creatures are applied at the same time. Use only as directed.

Signed: Doctor Luna

Alex has a wonderful take on our two favorite nitwits, Starlight and Trixle as they try to find a way to get rid of a huge pile of illicit fireworks. I had to light a fuse.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/407904/trixies-back-alley-at-midnight-firework-shop

Trixie and Starlight remained seated next to each other when the first puffs of sparks and smoke billowed over Canterlot. After all, they had their campfire nearby, with toasted marshmallows within easy reach, and a comfortable wagon with which to make their escape if needed. It was fairly obvious just where the fireworks had been procured, particularly since Fluttershy's demonstration last night, which required a great deal of proactive cover-up and a few memory spells from the two of them to avoid prison. This display of fireworks over the nation's capitol...

"The fireworks manufacturer really managed to get the colors right," mused Trixie. "Perhaps, before we flee the country for Zebrica, we should pick up a variety pack. You know, just in case we need to raise some money when we get there."

"If we're going to blame Boom Boom for the disaster, it really doesn't look good for us to be his best customer," said Starlight. "Perhaps when the furor dies down and he corrects the labels."

They watched the distant gyrating columns of sparks and animated exploding shapes for a time before Trixie asked, "What needed correcting on the label?"

Starlight closed her eyes, pressed a hoof against her forehead, and let out a sigh. "Seriously? You work at a school, so you should have better spelling skills. They should have been labeled Explicit, not Illicit."

In Hairball, Mark gives a thoughtful and insightful view on why pegasi are like cats. I carry it to the logical (and messy) conclusion.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/452147/hairball

Yet one more thing that Alicorn Twilight has to get used to.

"Spike! Come down off that bookcase right now! I'm not dying, and my guts are not on the floor! It's just a hairball! Oh, stop pretending to throw up and just... Oh, you're not pretending. I better go get a mop."

11. Chapter the 13th, Part 2020

Thoughtletts
Chapter the 13th, Part 2020

“He knew that all the hazards and perils were now drawing together to a point: the next day would be a day of doom, the day of final effort or disaster, the last gasp.”
― J R R Tolkien

Ok, so it’s only the 11th chapter, and it’s on Monday the 15th instead of Friday the 13th. Cut me some slack. This year has made all of us age prematurely and want to set the clock back. Anway, rather than moaning about the past, let’s look at the future.

Some of these bits below wound up in Never The Final Word - Volume 2 (This time it’s personal), but I’m including them here because I’m too lazy to pick them out, like raisins in Raisin Bran. Besides, they’re good for you.

Ok, another reminder about Never The Final Word (link above). We authors are terrible people who like to write endings for other people’s stories. We also like to write endings to other people’s endings. Then we start writing endings to other people’s endings to other people’s endings…

This is going to take some setup.

First, Rambling Writer writes How The Tantabus Parses Sleep, a clever fic about our mischievous Tantabus.

Then Kris Overstreet makes a particularly punny comment on the castle armory, which has certain deficits in the way of ranged weaponry.

Then it’s my turn to carpet-bomb the debris.

Luna strolled down the line of empty storage rooms with her sister meekly walking beside her. There was a silence of a sort, since the sound of eight alicorn shoes on concrete ensured that a complete silence was out of the question, but there was an unspoken question that hung heavy over the sisters like a soggy thundercloud.

"The pieapults," put forward Luna, "are all gone? What will our nation use to defend against any griffon uprisings?"

"The Strategic Pie Limitation Apple Treaty made that a fairly low probability, dearest sister," said Celestia with a quick lick of her lips. "The party celebrating the signature of the treaty was epic. We ate all the pies around the bonfire," she added quickly.

Luna took a quick look inside a nearby empty freezer, only to have Celestia quickly speak before being prodded again. "SPLAT II took care of the Ice Cream Ballistic Missile stores we had to defend against the Yak kingdoms. That led to the Decade of Peace. And ice cream headaches."

"So," considered Luna after walking along several other empty storerooms, "in the event of hostilities against a dread foe, we have nothing at all to use as a ranged weapon of any type."

Celestia perked up at that. "Oh, nothing public. We do have one specific weapon that we are keeping under a cloak of extreme secrecy. During a recent field test, it has proven devastating against even the most powerful foe. I assure you, although Equestria may appear defenseless beyond a spearpoint, production of this weapon has progressed to double our national stockpile, possibly even triple it if a certain letter I mailed just this morning..."

Green Grass stared at the letter in mixed horror and fascination. It made sense, in an alicorn way, but explaining it to Twilight could go so many shades of wrong. The small paragraph that Shining Armor had added to Celestia’s letter helped, and the teacher inside of him just had to wonder if it would actually work now that the concept had been raised. An experiment to test the hypothesis was in order, after all.

“What is it, dear?” called out Twilight Sparkle from the shower. “I thought I heard a letter arrive.”

“Just junk mail, dear,” he called back as he tossed the letter into the fireplace and watched it burn. “Hey, I was wondering. Your brother told me about a new launching technique for your flying, so would you like to go outside of town—” away from anything breakable “—and give it a try this morning?”

EMartial Bliss

MLP: FiM

Comedy

Random

Shining Armor learns the most important tactical lesson of his life.

OC

Shining Armor

Skywriter · 1.5k words  ·  2,844  36 · 32k views

If nothing else, read Martial Bliss for the comments. And the Wifleman’s Creed:

This is my wife!
My wife is my best friend! She is my life!
I must master her as I master my life!
I eat with her! I sleep with her!...

River Road wrote a beautiful story Building Coded about Harmony, the spirit of the tree who made the School of Friendship and certain other crystal things, and the Building Inspector who visits. I had to doodle an ending based on my general endings of stories I write, so I excused it with “I'm just glad you didn't base your angle on Twilight Sparkle based on my writing, or the ending would be far weirder.”

* * *

Twilight returned to her castle to find Twilight browsing the castle library shelves, quietly murmuring to herself while flickering every so often, and giving off a sharp scent of ozone.

"She's been like that for a few days," said Ocellus. "It started right after the building inspector left, and she won't say anything about it."

Princess Twilight Sparkle (the flesh-and-blood version) took a deep breath, counted to ten, and let it out. "Building inspector?"

A few minutes later, after a detailed (but not too detailed) description of what had recently happened while Twilight (the real one) was gone, Ocellus was looking ever-so-slightly more nervous, since Princess Twilight and 'Harmony' Twilight were looking more similar by the minute. The springing bits of mane were particularly interesting, and a good thing to concentrate on rather than the amount of magic that would be released if an alicorn were to perhaps theoretically explode from internal pressure.

Gallus should have been the one to explain this. Even Yona could have done a better job. She's going to break, and it will be my fault.

"Me?" asked Twilight cautiously. "I know you don't want to say anything to the students about what is troubling you... that is you-me... What do--"

"Harmony," said Ocellus.

"Right." Twilight took another breath. "Harmony? Can you tell me what's wrong? Why are you acting this way? Is it my fault?"

"No," said Harmony in a very small voice. She turned around with her head hanging low. "It's just... I saw a way to fix the problem with Baseline Standard, and while the students were busy, we... um... Well... It worked, or at least had a contributing effect. And everything turned out well at the end, so... But it brought up another problem. Well, not a problem, per se. You see, we..." Harmony leaned close to Twilight's ear and whispered something.

"Oh," said Twilight.

Then after some time, "I see."

And just when Ocellus could not restrain her curiosity, Twilight gave a short nod. "That's... unexpected, but... how many?"

"Twenty or thirty seeds," said Harmony. "It's hard to tell at this stage."

"Oh, that's wonderful," gushed Twilight, who promptly engulfed Harmony in a cautious hug. "I've been wanting to establish schools of friendship all over Equestria. I just had no idea how you pollinated until now."

Raugos is evil. Honest. I think we made him that way. As an example of his evilness, he brought durian to the last Bronycon. (including the wonderful video of Flutterpriest reacting to a piece of dried durian, the best of which includes a frantic dash for the trash can at the other end of the room) Heck, he even writes about durian. Initiation (with Flash Sentry, making it even more evil)

So, as a proud member of the Evil League of Evil, he wrote a story about a changeling who decides to moonlight as a set of Royal Guard armor. Chaos ensues. I decided a story this evil deserved an evil post-credit scene. Enjoy the original and the trailer.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/478485/mailed-male-changeling-chainmail-exchange

"Friendship, eh?" The Princess of Said Power eyed the nervous changeling and the similarly nervous guard next to him without her hornglow diminishing one iota. "So you--" she pointed with her horn at the cringing changeling "--spend all your day wrapped around her--" said horn changed targets, still glowing "--including her most intimate parts. Do you sleep with her too?"

"No," said Guard Bloom at the exact moment Sphincter said, "Yes."

"What!" Now the changeling had two sets of irate eyes glaring at him, and he visibly wilted.

"It's just as your pillow, dude!" he protested. "The softest, warmest pillow you've ever had. And it keeps you from snoring," he added.

"Keeps you from snoring," said Spike as he continued to take notes. "Heh. We should get you a changeling, Twilight. Since you turned into a Princess, you practically shake the whole castle at night."

Thankfully, Spike was fireproof. Mostly.

Let’s Do This wrote a clever Biscuit-like story about an Earth-cop and his two unicorn sidekicks (They Fight Crime!) I had to go write a follow-up with the inevitable next step once Twilight and Tempest got home.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/477746/special-operations

"I'm just glad Lyra didn't catch wind of what we were doing," said Twilight, who was walking while shaking her head. "She's been so human-crazy about finding a way through the mirror in the castle again ever since Starlight told her about it. Thankfully, the security spells around it stayed intact while we were gone, or we'd have another mess to clean up."

"One trip into humanworld is enough for me," said Tempest Shadow, who had not missed one step while walking at her side even as she scanned the immediate area for threats. "A little fun, admittedly a challenge, but having everything smell like dog?" She gave Spike a quick and friendly fin-noogie and hip-bump that nearly knocked him over. "I think I prefer your fiery little friend, even if he does smell like smoke all the time."

"Hey, just be glad you kept your own forms," said Spike. He straightened his fins and trotted faster to catch up with their rapid pace. "Being a dog around humans is no fun at all. Other than tummy-rubs," he admitted quietly.

"Well, you'll never have to worry about that particular portal," said Twilight. "I closed and locked it solid once the nice guard was through. Although Lyra..." She stopped suddenly on the Castle of Friendship's steps and looked back at the scattered collection of Ponyville residents who had shown up for this week's entertainment. "Do you see her?"

"Nope," said Spike, scanning the ponies for a particular shade of green. "Don't see Bon Bon either, and she's always around."

"S.M.I.L.E. kits have an advanced invisibility generator," said Tempest, who was also busy looking. "And there may have been a few straggler monsters left hiding in the human town somewhere. Do you think the two of them--"

"Yes," said Twilight while turning for the castle again. "We'll give them two weeks to do any S.M.I.L.E. work that's leftover with the humans, and one more week for playing tourist, then I'll open the portal again and drag them both back here by their tails."

When he got back to his police Suburban, Sam took having a unicorn sitting in his driver’s seat in stride. And the other pony turned out to be an exceptional cook for the few weeks that they stayed, so it really was not all that bad at all.

Speedy Quill wrote a busy little story about Twilight and her friends going to the home improvement store to buy things. She needed light bulbs, and of course, has too many things going on to pick them up. But all is well. Celestia knows how important it is to share responsibility for these things.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/476979/a-quick-trip-to-the-home-improvement-store

"Don't worry," said Celestia. "I bought a multi-pack of light bulbs, so you can have one of mine."

"Oh, thank goodness," said Twilight with a deep huff of frustration. "You can't believe how much this means... Wait a minute. Is this some kind of joke?" She looked at the giant head-sized lightbulb that Celestia floated over to her. "A terawatt bulb? That's insane! You could light all of Equestria with a bulb this--"

Her eyes slowly tracked up to the sun above, then back down to Her Royal Highness, Princess of the Sun, who was passing a bag containing some smaller boxes over to her sister. "No."

"Oh, good," said Luna with her nose in the bag. "You got the twinkly kind. And enough to make three or four new constellations, too. Thank you, dearest sister."

Monochromatic has updated The Enchanted Library with new and improved features, listed here. (and she made a comment about Ghostbusters, that made me wonder…. )
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/911697/the-enchanted-library-remastered-and-re-uploaded

A Ghostbusters/TEL crossover. The mind boggles.

"Hey, Mom!" Rarity really did not want to dump this on her parents, but she really did not know where to go with it. "Remember that story about the ghost Princess in the Library?"

"Of course, Sweetie. I mean Rarity," said Cookie as she took a tray out of the oven. "You've practically worn your father's ears off with that story over the last few weeks, and I know it's good to have an active imagination, but—" Cookie cut off as the heavy book-shaped chunk of equipment hit the kitchen table, still steaming and giving off a faint purple glow.

"I have proof!" declared Rarity. "Um... Just as soon as I figure out how to get her out of the trap. Uh, and how to calm her down. Do you think she's going to be terribly angry?"

https://www.fimfiction.net/group/50/the-writers-group/thread/440032/question-on-how-to-introduce-a-character

If the color purple is important to the story, yes it should be mentioned. If not, don't. If you have the story in the POV of a character, it's possible to reach the end without ever describing the character at all. The important part is to fling yourself into the story so vigorously people are sucked in after you. You know, purple prose :)

The Color Purple… Twilight.

Twilight was purple. She was quite sure of that. She had been purple when she was born, purple when she came to Ponyville, purple when she became a princess, and most likely would be purple until she died. Well, if princesses ever died. The important thing was she knew she was purple. It was part of her. The outside part, to be specific, although a lot of her inside felt purple.

That is, until she had met Rarity.

Unicorns measured things. Twilight had measured herself, determined her color was purple, and went on from there. Rarity only started in that general vicinity, and proceeded along the measurement path in a way that Twilight was tempted to call slightly obsessive-compulsive, except for the obvious response she would receive most probably while reshelving for the seventh time in the day. The color 'purple' meant roughly the same thing to Rarity as 'something in that beaker' meant to Twilight Sparkle. And worse, the specific color she was changed depending on the time of day or the month, or even indoors against outdoors. Winter coats were slightly different than summer coats, since each hair was lighter at the end and darker at the base, so what was 'lily lavender' one day could shift into 'lavender mist' or even 'dreamy cloud' with a good spring brushing that got itchy winter hairs out of the way.

The writers group had a thread on pony diet.
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/50/the-writers-group/thread/439222/do-ponies-eat-meat

I can't help but think they eat humans. Look, it explains so much...

Princess Twilight Sparkle covered her mouth and blushed. "Excuse me."

"Perfectly understandable, darling." Rarity gently touched her lips with a napkin and pushed the nearly picked-clean thighbone away. "This one was absolutely delicious. Plenty of marbling and still quite meaty. Didn't he say he was a vegetarian, Pinkie?"

"Not sure. Too full." The pink party pony poked listlessly at the remains of her fifth peopleburger. "He said something with a V in it before Rainbow Dash hit him. Ventriloquist? Violinist?"

"Victrix," said Applejack, who was starting to box up leftovers to take home. "And it weren't no he, it was a she. Victrix is some sorta Latiny word for a female warrior. All that brass armor probably confused y'all. Speakin' of which, I suppose you want it dumped in the recycling with the rest of the gear, right?"

"Except the helmet and skull," said Fluttershy, who had a red patina of splatters across her chest due to her habit of dining before the roasting was complete. "We're making birdhouses."

"I love self-inserts," managed Rainbow Dash around a hefty bone. "They're the best-tasting of them all."

CrackedInkWell did a clever treatment of Twilight Sparkle Dies in an amusing fashion that just itched out for an alternative ending. Well, I scratched.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/470258/the-funeral-of-twilight-sparkle

Alt. Ending.

Princess Celestia was having tea when she found out that Princess Twilight Sparkle had returned. Her identity and aliveness was fairly easy to determine, since the flaming alicorn descended from the sky in a blaze of glory and landed on her balcony, after all. Eyes like pits of molten gold and engulfed in arcane violet fire, she advanced one step at a time in the direction of her former mentor, breathing in short, fierce bursts of smoke.

"So good of you to return, Twilight." Celestia took another sip of tea and floated out an empty teacup that was embossed in gold with 'Best Student' along the side. "Would you like to take a cup and sit for a while?"

"I didn't want cremated!" she shouted, although Twilight cringed back at the discouraging look she received from Celestia. "I mean I told my friends I didn't want cremated," she added in a much calmer and controlled voice, more suited for the area.

"My sister and I were overcome with grief," said Celestia. "Rather than see your coffin go into the grave and think of you decaying there, eaten by worms and mold in the cold ground, we flung you into my sun so everpony would be able to see your final resting place." She held out a plate. "Biscuit, Twilight?"

"Why would you throw me into the sun!" snapped Twilight, although she removed a biscuit from the plate. She always got a little peckish when low on sugar, after all.

"My sister and I flipped a bit. I won," added Celestia with a far-off look. "Starlight told me about your situation later, but it was too late. Too late for several things, in fact, but I believe things will work out for the best. That is once you get a few more years of experience and we can try passing you the responsibility for all of Equestria and not worry about you taking another drastic action such as this without considering the consequences."

"What consequences?" asked Twilight, the half-eaten cookie dribbling crumbs. "And what do you mean too late for several things?"

"For that, you are going to have to ask Starlight Glimmer. Now if you'll excuse me," said Celestia, rising from her seat with a last sip of tea, "I must attend court and calm the citizens again. Don't let me detain you from going to Ponyville and getting your answers."

Twilight's arrival at her school was accomplished with less drama, although she tripped over a new hoof-scraper at the entrance marked 'I Told You I Was Ill' and caused several students to scream in terror and flee through the building. By the time she reached the Headmare office, she had gotten most of her initial rage stomped out, and had stopped leaving sizzling craters in the crystal floor, so she counted to a hundred by prime numbers, took a deep breath, and opened Starlight's door.

"Just a minute," said Starlight from behind a huge stack of papers on her desk. "I dropped my quill."

"You dropped the ball on my funeral too," growled Twilight. "I want to know what happened, why I wound up in the sun, and what in Equestria have you done to your desk? You normally don't even have a notepad there."

"There were some.... changes since your funeral," admitted Starlight from behind the papers. "I knew you were coming back, so I made you a report--" a short stack of papers emerged from the mess and floated over to Twilight "--and developed the movie film, although I didn't get a chance to have it narrated or a soundtrack because I knew... Well. There are some changes you just have to see for yourself."

Starlight Glimmer came slowly out from behind her desk, and spread her wings.

Titanium Dragon is doing a Ponyfest panel with Tumbleweed on the intersection of comedy and romance called “Foiled Again.” What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t add something?
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/903251/ponyfest-30-panel-at-330-pm-pacific-630-pm-eastern-viewable-online

Starlight Glimmer was getting used to Ponyville, and the strange inhabitants. Even the way they were all different was something that took some time to get used to, but had certain advantages too. It was all very confusing, but learning was a confusing process as new information displaced old.

And then there was Pinkie Pie.

The idea that Pinkie Pie could ever have a 'normal' setting without removing her cutie mark was an impossibility. Even 'abnormal' would have been a stretch. 'Outright Weird' was her normal, and fun, and confusing. Dozens of town events had only been explained to her as "That's just Pinkie Pie." It was starting to make sense now, and that bothered her.

"Pinkie?" asked Starlight just as calmly as she could. Getting angry at Pinkie only made things worse because she would try to make things better, and if "I can fix it" was a terrifying phrase from Twilight Sparkle, it was downright world-ending when Pinkie said it.

"Yes," said Pinkie through the cardboard box in her teeth. "I'm pretty sure I'm Pinkie. And you're Starlight, and this is your office, and that is your philodendron, and--"

"Why are you covering me in aluminum foil?" asked Starlight before things could go any weirder.

"Because Twilight said she made a friend out of you by foiling your evil plot, and we haven't been really, really, really good friends so I thought foiling your--"

"Pinkie," said Starlight quickly. "How about we go fly kites instead?"

"Okay!"

TCC56 has a cute story about Twilight Sparkle wondering about alicorns and sex. I had to add something for Monochromatic.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/460233/praying-for-insight

"Well..." Princess Celestia took a measured sip of tea. "Since you are not pregnant, and most likely will not become so as you travel down this path--excepting certain spells--I would presume the actual consumption of your mate would be unwise. And criminal, I might add. Something we added to the unified Equestrian code a century or two ago. "

"Oh," said Twilight, obviously relieved and confused at the same time. "Well, that's a relief, at least."

"I would caution you against going to bed hungry," added Celestia. "Nothing is worse than going to bed next to your prospective paramour and waking up only to find a few scraps of hair and some feathers."

"Oh," said Twilight again.

"A slice or two of cake at bedtime should do the trick," said Celestia. "It has worked wonders for me, and I haven't lost a Royal Guard in years now."

"That's... nice," said Twilight. She produced a notepad and jotted down a few of the salient points of the conversation, just to ensure she would not miss anything when she passed it along. "Rarity is going to be so glad to hear I'm not going to eat her."

"Oh, I didn't mean that exactly," said Celestia. "It shows appreciation for your mate and respect for our culture to at least nibble a little around the interesting bits."

"That's how we wound up with the question," muttered Twilight, pressing so hard against the notebook that the pencil point threatened to punch through the paper.

LilyCousland has a delightful story in process about Twilight Sparkle giving life to her doll during the school entrance exam. I had to comment, because I have a certain weakness in my stitches for such wonderful whimsy.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/466709/fuzzy-sparkle

If she is flesh and blood (like Spike), that's going to cause some fun issues in adjusting to her new body.
If she is still stuffing and fluff... that's going to cause some issues too, particularly around feeding time.

It was not every day that Celestia saw such a dramatic change from one of her students, or even once every century or two. Spike was certainly going to be unique among dragons, who were a unique race anyway, with no dragon looking quite exactly like another. Still, he was behaving exactly like a dragon, tested out to be a dragon, and was teething on a sizable gemstone last Celestia saw, so it was far easier to mentally classify him as an ordinary dragon with extraordinary history. An orphan, in a way, and that would make it easier to raise him alongside her new student since a dragon was tough and magic-resistant.

The other new addition to her school was going to take some getting used to, particularly when she saw Fuzzy sitting in her throne. The soft support backing had been torn off by small fabric teeth, and Fuzzy was quite busy chewing her way through the stuffing concealed within, or at least until Celestia's shadow fell over her.

"Um..." said the small stuffed creature, looking up with plaintive eyes. "Did you want some too? It's very good."

FOME is doing a blog post about the creativity process, and uses as an example, Applejack talking casually with Blueblood by using his given name, Larry. Naturally, I think Rarity would be concerned…
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/900371/rewrite-the-paths

"Can you believe it?" hissed Rarity once she got Twilight out of immediate sight of the rest of the party, which involved a bush and some hissing at the young couple who likewise had been looking for a little privacy. "She called Prince Blueblood, Larry! Right there!"

"I know," said Twilight with a heaving sigh. "It's as undignified as calling Princess Celestia, Marlene, or Princess Luna... Well, let's just go back out there and support our friend. We can discuss tact lessons later, when we have more time. Besides, Larry didn't seem to mind. Come on."

With that, Princess Twilight Sparkle trotted back out into the party, leaving Rarity to stare rather absently at nothing at all, with a tiny twitch beginning to show at the corner of her eyelid. "Princess Celestia's real name is Marlene? And Princess Luna... Um... Twilight? Oh, bother."

This came out of the Ship It contest on the Writeoff.me site
https://writeoff.me/fic/5026-Love-Bake-Cupcake

Love. Bake. Cupcake.

“Oh, beloved,” sighed Rainbow Dash. “You are the only one for me, my true love. I shall never leave you, ever.” She leaned back with a slosh of the birdbath and carressed the gentle curve of ceramic, interleaved with hearts and tiny cloud carvings.

The birdbath did not reply, although all the birds around it who were waiting their turn, rolled their eyes.

Twilight Sparkle clutched a book to her chest with an excited squeal, then blanched. “Oh, no!” she called out, looking at the rest of her library. “I’m sorry! I love all of you equally. Particularly you,” she added, taking another book off the shelf and embracing it. “And you. Oh, and you beautiful first edition you…”

Sweet Apple Acres was very quiet today, as Applejack quietly wrapped the trunk of yet another apple tree in gauze. “You poor thing,” she whispered. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m so sorry. Soon as we get you’all patched up, I’m gonna go to town and get all our children back, so you don’t feel sad no more either.”

There were no loud noises coming from Carousel Boutique either, other than a constant series of sighs and moans from the proprietor, who was gazing into a lipstick-smeared mirror. “Oh, you beautiful mare,” murmured Rarity, giving the mirror a flutter of long lashes. “Our time together has been far too long coming.”

We’re going to skip Fluttershy’s house, due to rating. Really.

The legendary capacity of Pinkie Pie for sweets had obviously been exceeded some time ago, due to the pink party pony being sprawled out on her back in the middle of Sugarcube Corner’s kitchen, with all four legs up in the air much like a pink beached whale. She wobbled as much as she could, looking at one last cupcake on a nearby shelf. “If only… I could reach… my sweet, sweet desire.”

It was very, very quiet in the Sugarcube Corner bakery where Ponyville’s only zebra took a long look at Pinkie Pie, who still could not get up onto her hooves to grab the last cupcake. Zecora shook her head, then turned her attention to a small earth pony by her side, who looked even smaller under her teacher’s glare. There was a long silence, broken only when Apple Bloom finally said, “I’m sorry, Zecora.”

“Sorry does not cut the cake,” admonished Zecora. “An antidote you now must make, to solve the problem of your making, when you decided to help with baking.”

“But Twilight said she wanted something extra-special for the meeting with her friends, so they could keep their relationship strong,” said Apple Bloom, still looking at the floor. “Then I found the recipe in your book, and Pinkie helped me mix it into the batter, and Mister and Missus Cake helped bake all the cupcakes…”

There was a repeating thumping noise from upstairs, and all three ponies looked up at the ceiling.

“You know,” said Apple Bloom very slowly, “that Mister and Missus Cake like to sample the cupcakes after they’re frosted, right?”

Zecora let out a short breath and started her young student moving toward the door. “We must hurry to set things right, and no more practicing outside my sight!”

This one requires a photo from Estee
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/900037/and-as-she-read-it-for-the-third-time-twilight-sparkle-went-a-little-bit-mad

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EXQFT5wXYAQrCO-?format=jpg&name=small

Now, given that opportunity, how could I resist?

"I left my wagon right there!" fumed Trixie. "It wasn't bothering anypony, I had the brakes on, and I only went into the cafe for a few minutes! It was that menace, Twilight! I know it!"

"Now calm down there, sugarcube." Applejack patted the Great And Tantruming Trixie on a shoulder. "You can't say that for certain. Heck, maybe somepony just moved it."

"It wasn't moved! Twilight's responsible!" Trixie jabbed a hoof at the nearby crystal castle. "Go yell at her for me."

"Me?" Applejack held a hoof across her chest. "Now don't get me wrong, but Ah ain't gonna go yell at my friend just on account of you can't find your gosh durned wagon after spending three hours in the cafe, eatin' on mah bits. Just a'cause Ah was pickin' up the check, ain't no reason to stuff yourself like a chipmunk afore winter, and it ain't no reason to accuse mah friend of stealin' your durned wagon!"

"She didn't steal it!" huffed Trixie, pointing down in the grass where an amphibian quietly gazed back at the two of them. "It was toad."

Inspired by DrakeyC blog post about alternate Sunset Shimmers, and since I plan on eventually writing a Theocratic alt-universe fic for MLP, I thought it was good practice.

https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/899367/into-the-shimmerverse

"Okay people, let's do this one last time. My name is Sunset Shimmer..."
"Ten years ago I was chosen to be the Most Radiant's acolyte, and donned the ceremonial Tunic of Obedience with joy in my heart. Yea, for that day I didst pass from the hordes of the common unto the highest of the high, posted by Her will into the Sacred Vestibule and permitted to venture beyond the Veil of Forbidden. Mysteries unseen by mortal eyes were to be revealed unto me, and my destiny among the Radiant was assured.

Or so I thought.

The longer I studied the scriptures of Her Blessed Wisdom, the more I could see the cracks in the throne, the darkness that lurked beneath the Light. For although I had been granted access to the Most Radiant beyond any in mortal memory, there were still secrets she kept close to Her breast, and I chafed at her lack of trust. Even her own flesh and blood, the Second Radiant Cadance, Blessed of the Heart, confided to me that she too was kept from the full flow of knowledge from the Most Radiant. I became convinced that the flaw lay not in myself, but in Her. She was blind to the damage her lack of trust caused, but as I threw myself into my studies of the Blessed Wisdom, I found a solution. The ancient Hierophant Swirler of Stars had made an artefact of great power that could pierce the barriers of the Void and carry one to different worlds. With it, I could travel to a place where another Most Radiant resided. I could learn from her, even the secrets that our Most Radiant refused to tell, and when I returned with the knowledge, even She would recognize my talent and elevate me to the Throne of Radiance.

I was right, and oh so wrong..."

The Sleepless Beholder has a clever story about Chrysalis as a being even more evil being than changeling queen: Marriage lawyer. Of course I had to put my two bits in since I’ve written one of these from a different angle and they’re just so much darned fun!

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/466135/friendship-is-bureaucracy-marriage-laws

"What is it now?" muttered Princess Twilight Sparkle as she trudged down the crystal staircase of her castle, her ears folded down to muffle the sound of the insistent doorbell. "I swear, if it's another group of Moonies come to disturb my weekend, I'm going to give them a one-way ticket to--"

She put on her best 'Princess' face, ran a hoof through her hopelessly tangled mane, and yanked open the front door. "What can I-- You!"

Three small changeling drones looked up at her, behind their suitcases as if using them for cover. Where most changelings were nearly identical, the changeling in front had an unusually intact horn, while one of the other changelings had very small wings, and the third changeling had a huge bow tied to the back of her head.

"Auntie Twilight," started the first changeling, "we don't mean to be an inconvenience, but we are pen pals with the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and we were wondering if we could spend the summer here with you while they help us earn our cutie marks."

Twilight's scream could be heard for miles.

brokenimage321 has an idea about a story where Celestia gives Twilight ‘The Talk’ about sex and babies as an alicorn, and in particular why it’s a bad idea.

https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/887594/random-probably-bad-fic-idea-celestia-gives-twilight-the-talk

I wrote the ending for him. You’re welcome.

"So..." Sergeant Stalwart Fury kept a close and careful pace next to the distraught Princess of Friendship while they walked back to her guest quarters, where she would stay for the evening before heading back to Ponyville on the morning train. "How did it go?"

"She said," huffed Twilight, "that I shouldn't date any of the guards."

"Oh." Stalwart walked silently for a time while they turned two corners and down a long corridor. "That's awkward," he finally admitted. "I told you we should have invited her to the wedding."

"I wanted to keep it quiet," said Twilight, pausing to run a hoof down her barrel. "The newspapers are going to throw such a fit, and Cadence will pop a cork, and Luna--"

"Always wanted another little niece of her own to spoil," finished Stalwart. "You know, you're probably going to want to tell them before you go into labor."

"We've almost got a year," pointed out Twilight. "I still have lots of research to do on the subject, and... I'll get to it. Eventually."

"And your brother?" prompted Stalwart.

"I'll send him a letter."

Stifling a chuckle, Sergeant Fury pushed open the bedroom suite door for Princess Twilight Sparkle and waited for her to slip inside before adding, "Well, if Princess Celestia doesn't think you should fool around with any of the guards, that puts a stop to what we had planned for tonight, doesn't it?"

"Absolutely not, handsome hubby of mine." A purple aura of magic formed around the guard's left ear, and he let himself be led into the bedroom without a struggle. "We're only up to Chapter Seven in the Camel Sutra, and I want to get to the end before I'm too pregnant to use the stepladder."

"Your wish is my command, Your Highness."

12. April the Twelve Twelvths

Thoughtletts
April the Twelve Twelvths

“A fine quotation is a diamond in the hand of a man of wit and a pebble in the hand of a fool.”
— Joseph Roux

Some of these pebbles wound up in Never The Final Word - Volume 2 (This time it’s personal), but I’m including them here because I’m too lazy to pick them out, like raisins in Raisin Bran. Besides, they’re good for you, and free.

AugieDog has an adorable story about Ocellus attempting to be evil by stealing a box of day-old donuts from Canterlot.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/486062/caper

I had to complete the circle.

"What is it?" hissed Cauliflower, who had dived behind the desk the minute she walked into the food bank and saw her sister Florets in the same position. After all, Ponyville was the poster child for 'Duck First, Ask Later' and since she had already ducked, it was time for the asking.

"Boxes. From. The School," groaned Cauliflower with her hooves over her ears. "Donuts," she added quickly afterward.

"Donuts?" asked Florets, who poked her head over the desk to look, then flatted back behind the relative safety of concealment. "They're not... Sweetie's Treats again? Oh, wait. They're not on fire. Yet." Florets poked her nose out from concealment and sniffed. "I don't smell smoke. Who donated them?"

Cauliflower trembled so hard her pale curls covered her face. "All of them. Trixie and Starlight brought Gallus and Smolder with... some changeling. It has to be some epic evil prank to get all four of them involved at once. Did it go off yet?"

"Not yet." Florets lifted her head ever so slightly to get a better look at the cardboard boxe. "What are we going to do? We can't just leave it here."

"Princess Twilight," said Cauliflower decisively. "Think about it. She's defeated every evil that has ever threatened Ponyville. She'll know what to do."

"What the hay?" Twilight Sparkle looked up from her neat collection of school paperwork just in time to catch the pale white and green tails of the two Food Bank employees vanishing out of her front door at a full gallop, leaving behind a pale pink cardboard box that sat askew on her otherwise tidy desk. "From Ocellus," she murmured, looking at the tag taped onto the box, then lifted it up to see what was under it. "Courtesy of Donut Joe's! Oh, that wonderful little changeling! She's come such a long way in the study of friendship. They're a little dry," she added after taking the first bite of the top donut. "Still, not bad."

CrystalWaters had a question on Cutting the chord, Swinging the Hammer, and Dropping the Piano

And here I was thinking they'd sent the piano through the mirror.

—

"Twilight," said Principal Celestia into her phone, "I need you to do something for me."

She waited for a time, tapping one foot on the concrete sidewalk in front of Canterlot High and shifting her cell phone higher on her shoulder. Experience had taught her that conversations with Twilight Sparkle fairly demanded a certain amount of slack time for the young genius to get excess words out before an actual conversation could occur, but the delay was irksome. "I only have an hour before school starts," she said curtly when Twilight's words showed no sign of slowing. "All I want to know is if you have space in your house for a piano."

Celestia paused with a growing frown and gave the massive object a long look. "Yes," she started slowly. "That's exactly what got shoved through the portal sometime last night. Luna's gone to rent a truck and we were going to see if the football team could get it loaded and over to your house before--"

There was a much longer pause, which Celestia used to look over the note that had been taped to the top of the Ironwood piano lid reading 'This ain't Twilight's piano and we'd appreciate it if'n you can find a home for it."

"Yes, I can call Luna and have her bring the truck around to your house first," said Celestia. "Do you have something else to send back that Starswirl sent us with his interdimensional trash disposal spell?"

"Oh," she said after a time. "You have one of these too. Yes, I think they'd both fit if we pushed them through, and it would provide a well-needed lesson to Equestria to quit dumping their garbage in our dimension."

The Writer’s group has a post on Stupid Story Ideas that I don’t think is so stupid. In short, Celestia and Luna fight over who gets stuck running Equestria, which is how Luna pretended to be Nightmare Moon and managed to skip out on the job for a thousand years. Now Luna’s back and Celestia expects to get her turn away from the office, but…

https://www.fimfiction.net/group/50/the-writers-group/thread/462509/stupid-story-idea

All was quiet in the Castle of the Two Sisters as Twilight Sparkle and her new friends slipped out of the decaying throne room in order to give Luna and Celestia a little private time together. Or at least until Celestia gave out a short giggle and jabbed her sister in the ribs.

"It worked perfectly," she cackled. "The light show, the setup, and Twilight doesn't suspect a thing! A week from now, I'll be in Rio Neigh Janeiro, sipping mixed drinks on the beach while you deal with Blueblood and his ilk."

"Ow." Luna rubbed the spot where her sister had just poked. "Look, sis. From what I've seen so far, it's going to take years of work before you can ditch the reins of rulership and dump this on me. You couldn't even keep the old castle in shape while I was gone."

Celestia waved a disparaging hoof. "Low bid maid service. Look, running Equestria is expensive. There's cake, and..." She thought for a long moment. "And a bunch of other stuff. Doesn't matter. I'm so out of here."

"If you leave," said Luna in her coldest voice. "I'll tell."

"What?!" Celestia backed up a step. "Twilight will go sparse. She'll track me down! You haven't seen her on a rip-roaring tear before."

FanOfMostEverything has a few great pictures of Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle invoking a bit of their demonic part during stressful situations. I thought it would best be illustrated with additional words.

https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/931126/outer-demon

Her opponent sat there, taunting her from its ledge. There was no sense of fairness in its reluctance to meet the inevitable end, and Twilight Sparkle fumed at the indignity of it all. She had paid the price, done the appropriate rituals, and victory was supposed to be her's now!

She reached out, then recoiled at the concept of regressing to physical violence. There were procedures for this eventuality, but they took time, and right now, time was something she could not spend. If this combat were not to end in her favor, an entire checklist would be pushed back, tasks that could progress humankind's knowledge against the world might never come to be. If intellectual prowess were not sufficient to vanquish this foe, then physical effort would have to suffice.

She struck. Her opponent merely wobbled on its ledge, looking smug from behind its protective shield. Additional blows, measured as not to damage anything important were likewise impotent, and the famous Sparkle temper began to fizz beneath her placid exterior. Father was well-aware of his wife's tendency to explosive outbursts, which is why their house had an indoor greenhouse with a rosebush accessible at any time of the year, but Twilight lacked that kind of close physical relationship with a spouse.

It would prove to be a destructive fault.

More blows were rained down on the protective shield guarding her opponent, to little effect. Kicks were added, along with polite profanity, until Twilight grasped the protective machine and yanked it.

"I warned you!" she snapped through gritted teeth and the faint wisps of darkened fire rising up from around her. "By Newton's Second Law, by all that is holy through the Runge–Kutta method, I invoke thee to give forth that which I seek! In the name of Pascal, Fermi, and Feynman, I shall smite you! FORTH GIVE ME STRENGTH, AND HILBERT GIVE ME YOUR POWER!"

And there was fire. Much fire.

Sunset Shimmer picked her way in through the front door of the school lab very carefully, avoiding the broken glass from the shattered light fixtures and the few puddles of water still steaming on the floor. Twilight Sparkle was sitting casually at the lab bench with a soldering gun in one hand, a spool of silver wire in the other, and a candy bar sticking out of her mouth. After a few moments, Sunset moved closer, giving the general area a good looking-at before clearing her throat once she spotted the shredded steel and molten plexiglass of a familiar object.

"Vending machine not working right again, Twilight?"

Twilight Sparkle gave her a sideways glance while continuing her soldering. "Wouldn't give me my bar,” she mumbled. “Not my fault."

Sunset prodded one piece of shredded steel with the tip of her boot. "You know, you could just keep a box of NuttyOatyOat bars in the bottom of your desk."

Estee has a chapter in Glimmer called Fortran.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/479070/7/glimmer/fortran

One of the commenters made a comment about ‘obsolete’ languages.
I was offended. Celestia would be too. So naturally….

Hey, hey there, child! Watch that 'obsolete' word. You'll find a lot more COBOL out there in the world than you expect, and there are still things being written in FORTRAN (the newer versions) because it has some really nifty functions that newer languages don't, as well as legacy code being maintained (because you just can't port some of it) from massive database manipulation programs written as far back as the 80s.

"Thank you, Princess Celestia!" Twilight Sparkle hugged her new book with shreds of Hearth's Warming wrapping paper all around her. "New spells straight from Starswirl the Bearded's student years! Why, I'll bet there are spells in here..." She trailed off as she began to flip through pages, finally turning the book over and giving it a shake. "What's all these strange symbols, Princess?"

"FORTRAN coding," said Celestia with a shy smile. "Starswirl loved to make his spells recursive, and he just fell in love with the advanced math functions. I told him that my APL structures were far more applicable, but he was stuck on the modern era. Better than Luna, though. She still prefers to work in LISP. More parenthesis than there are stars in the sky, and she's perfectly fine with it."

"That's... wonderful, Princess," said Twilight. "I don't suppose you have a copy written in PERL or C# perhaps?"

Jest wrote a clever fic about Queen Chrysalis waging a quick war against Equestria in order to take advantage of rather generous surrender benefits. I thought it only appropriate that Celestia have a response of her own.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/485067/the-five-second-war

"You can't be serious." Queen Chrysalis looked at the sign, then at Princess Celestia, then back at the sign. The words 'Danger - Everfree Forest' had been scratched out and smaller words on the bottom indicated that the place was now called 'Happy Changeling Prisoner of War Camp #1' with little hearts and flowers scribed around the letters. Chrysalis lifted one hoof to examine the gooey black mud that clung to it, as well as several leeches, then gave Celestia a vicious glare. "You can't be serious," she repeated.

"It is a place for your changelings that meets your specifications," said Celestia calmly without a trace of snark. "It's damp, dark at least half of the time, and full of creatures who will love you." There was a distant warbling four-part harmony of a hydra bellowing in the distance, and Celestia finally smiled. "Or would you care to negotiate terms to your surrender and subsequent introduction to Equestrian society as contributing members?"

Jest wrote a story about Luna setting up her harem. I made a little addition.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/484594/luna-decides-to-start-a-harem

"I can't believe Luna thinks she can just start up a harem," huffed Twilight Sparkle into her bedroom mirror.

"Quite right, Darling," called out Rarity from where she was smoothing the sheets on the bed. "I suppose she did not even do any research, or allocate her time between mates to avoid conflicts."

"Exactly! She just grabbed a couple of stallions from the coffee shop and sent them to her castle. It's like..." Twilight frowned at her reflection in the mirror, and the sight of Rarity getting the bed ready for the evening. "Rarity, how long have you been spending your evenings here with me?"

"Oh, I'm not quite exactly sure, Darling." Rarity pursed her lips in a thoughtful pose. "I suppose I could ask Fluttershy tomorrow, since it is her turn."

Heck, I almost forgot this one from iisaw’s clever work at producing a Feghoot.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/447369/prejudicial-procedure-problem

And the Follow-Up Feghoot from me.

"Could be worse," said Starlight. "She's the only one of her family who applied. She has a sister."

"Her sister is worse?" asked Twilight, swallowing the hook whole.

"She brews artisanal wine made from dandelion roots," said Starlight, checking a box on her clipboard while edging ever so slightly closer to the doorway. "Then she serves it in a frosted glass, resting on a bed of fresh kale leaves, arranged in geometric patterns."

"I don't see how that is worse," said Twilight, wrinkling her brow in deep thought. "It actually doesn't sound too bad, compared to some of the dishes served in Canterlot."

"So would you like to make an appointment, Twilight? That way you can try the authentic jenny-wine art ala kale?"

Starlight almost made it to the door.

13. Lucky Day

Thoughtletts
Chapter Thirteen

“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.”
—Chris Evans

It’s that time of year again, just in time for recycling. Some of these used bits wound up in Never The Final Word - Volume 2 (This time it’s personal), but I’m including them here because I’m too lazy to pick them out, like raisins in Raisin Bran. Besides, they’re good for you, and free.

From Viking VX, we have a request for submissions from LTUE (Life, The Universe, and Everything) for a charity compilation called “Dog Save the King.” I couldn’t resist.

https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/1010720/dog-save-the-king-submission-call-from-hemelein

It began, as all things do, with barking.

Oh, there was some growling also. A few yaps from the smaller subjects. An occasional yelp as a tail or foot was stepped on. And sniffing, because you could not get two or more dogs together without appropriate sniffing. After the Attendance Tree was watered by all present, they settled down in a large circle with the King at the center, and his Royal Court at either side.

Duke Bloodworth the Seventh was first to speak, boy. Speak. And his stentorian whoofs made the others turn rapidly to silence until only the sound of breathing filled the Circle. And a few scratches because a flea or two had infiltrated the Council.

"We have a serious accusation put forth by Maximus of Lower Seventh Street by the Butcher," he spoke in a voice that resonated around the trees. "Proceed."

"Thank you." Max strode forth, the moonlight glinting off his silver nametag and painting his mottled black and white coat pale. "It is with a heavy heart that I place this accusation in front of the Council. There is no other way to say it. " He pointed at the King, rigid from his nose to his tail. "The King is a chicken! A giant chicken!"

Chicken Boo, Chicken Boo, you don't do like the other chickens do.
You wear a disguise to look like canine guise, but you're not a dog, you're a Chicken, Boo.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/531989/the-castles-what
A pleasant little story about Twilight Sparkle’s new castle and the Ponyville building inspector. Since I’ve given Green Grass so much heck in The Substitute Librarian for becoming more romantically involved with Twilight’s house than Twilight, I thought it would be a good idea to put an addition onto this story in the same architecture. If it’s zoned right, of course.

Right Angle was looking forward to going home to his own reasonable and rational dwelling. It had doors that stayed put, hallways that did not move when you looked a different direction, and a wife who always cooked beet lasagna this time every week. It even had two reasonable children, one filly and one colt, who brought home reasonable homework and asked reasonable questions when working on it after dinner. His home had everything he wanted.

Except it was not where he had left it this morning.

There was a quite different house five hundred and seven paces down the street where his house belonged. A familiar house since it belonged to his next-door neighbor, who was not next-door as he was earlier. In sequence, every other house on the block was where it belonged, minus one spot, until he came to his house at the end, and three young children playing in the yard with Twilight Sparkle's crystal castle in the near background.

"Hello, Father," called out Orthogonal, who was organizing the other two children's exercise in sand castle construction. "This is Harmony. She's new to the neighborhood. Or our new neighborhood, I suppose."

"She's nice," said Quadratic, who had some sand on the end of his nose. "Mother says she can stay for dinner if you approve."

Right Angle looked down at the children and the smiling lilac unicorn who had put aside her sand bucket for the moment. "Hello, Mr. Angle," she said shyly. "I'm a little new to this 'dinner' experience, but I'd like to stay for dinner if you have some stewed calcite I can nibble on. Afterward, can you introduce me to your house?" She looked back over her shoulder and seemed to blush a little across her ears. "He's cute."

So we have a pleasant story from Inky Scrolls about Celestia and her general un-knowledge of the Equestria Postal System where Twilight gets an enormous backlog of mail suddenly as a result. I had to stick my own stamp of approval on it. But I’m not licking it.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/530581/1/celestia-learns-about-stamps/its-not-even-my-best-side

Dear Princess Celestia,

In order to meet recent unexpected bills, I have taken a part-time job as a mailmare in Ponyville. It really is a wonderful job and I can't believe I didn't try it before. I get to meet almost every pony in town with a smile and their daily collection of letters, even if they are mostly bills and junk mail, some of which is postage due.

One particularly good part of the job is the competition for new stamp design, open to postal employees only. To my surprise, I won this year's contest and it had nothing to do with the Elements of Harmony judging the entries at all. I thought they might be a little upset at my surprise bill too, but they put it all behind them, and in any event the new stamp was released today and I used one of them for this letter. I know how you always were critical about the photographers and portrait painters not capturing your right side, and I think my entry truely captured your essence with some of that 'thinking outside the box' that you encouraged in my long years of training that I spent without ever once being told you had a sister. I think this stamp will really let the ponies of Equestria and beyond (since it is an airmail stamp) know a facet of our leader that only really close friendship reveals, and that they will think of that aspect every time they lick a stamp for a letter. After all, I don't think capturing your right side was really the correct goal, and I think this stamp actually shows the right end.

Sincerely,
Postmare Twilight Sparkle, Ponyville, 65674-4027

Sarah Hoyt had a little short fiction contest involving a flaming carousel. Look, they’re horses, ok. As a reader of Monster Hunter International, I had to do it.

https://accordingtohoyt.com/2023/02/11/meme-hectic/#comment-902265

From Sarah Hoyt
"Insurance." I checked the chamber on the Saiga and gave the carousel owner a gentle nudge. "If they don't pay, let me know."

The owner did not say anything. The five pounds of silver wire I had tied around him probably had something to do with that. Or maybe it was the way the blazing carousel was throwing off sparks into the night as it spun faster and faster. The glitter of silver could be seen in the darkness all around us from where I had stapled the wire to trees and posts, leaving only one silverless spot where I was standing.

"Even if it is a little your fault," I continued, watching the gasoline-fueled inferno grow. "You didn't raise one question after the first child vanished. Or the second. Fairly sure tonight won't make three. Fairly sure, that is--"

One blazing horse broke free from the carousel, shifting as it sprang in our direction. From small wooden pony to big dog-like green creature to horse-sized monster in just a few seconds, or at least until I dropped the red dot on the kelpie's chest and started firing. Ten rounds of silver buckshot vanished into the monster's chest in less time than it took for the owner to scream, followed by a full magazine of silver .45 slugs, the last one fired into its skull as the monster plowed into the ground right in front of us.

Silver .45 slugs were expensive, but I put another magazine into the downed kelpie anyway before reloading the shotgun. The owner of the carousel had stopped screaming by then, and just stared at me wide-eyed while I settled down with the shotgun again.

"Could be another," I explained. "You should hope there is. PUFF bounty on them is big enough to replace your kiddie toy twice over."

2/18/23
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/531304/twilight-learns-the-disturbing-truth-about-the-human-world
by VYCanisMelodis

A nice story from a vegetarian about Twilight finding out she just ate some meat in her bagel. Well, as a lover of the perfect combo (bagel, creme cheese, and lox) and a farm kid, I had to add Applejack’s take on the story as she introduces Twilight to the brilliant animals of the farm. (I removed the comment from the story since it upset the author, but I’m including it here because I’m cruel to you guys. Bon Appetit.)

"So..." Twilight took another long look at the sheep. "You said Lanolin is one of the brightest animals on the farm?"

"Yup," said Applejack proudly. "Pretty near the smartest sheep in the whole county. Pigs is still smarter, though."

"Yes, I know that." Twilight rubbed her muddy rump and grimaced. "That boar waited until we were right in the middle of the pen before he charged, just far enough that I couldn't make it to the fence before he ran me over."

"Just be glad we cut off their tusks when they're piglets," said Applejack, leaning on her hoe. "If'n you'd stayed next to me like I said, I'd have smacked him on the head before he got too close. Think he's got just a month or two before we turn him into chops and bacon. Gotta cull the aggressive ones. Sheep..." Applejack took her own look at the fuzzy menace who had just finished every blade of grass he could reach through the fence. "Been breeding 'em for smarts and wool for over a thousand years an' they're still dense as a fencepost."

There was a series of thumps as the sheep backed up, but his head collided with the fence every time, leaving him trapped. He gave off a pathetic bleat, failed to get out several more times, then began to crop the rest of the grass he could reach down beyond the roots. Applejack reached out and twisted the ram's head so it would fit back through the fence slats, then gave him a push that sent the confused sheep backward a few feet and back into his pen. After a few shakes of his head to settle what little brains he had back in place, Lanolin returned to the fence, turned his head sideways to fit through the fence slats, then looked rather upset that the grass had not regrown in the few seconds he had been absent.

"Ah'm gonna go get some boards to fix this hole before another sheep sticks its durned fool head in the hole and we got two of them squalling." Applejack turned and started walking, calling over her shoulder where Twilight was watching the second failed sheepish escape attempt. "Granny's fixing lamb chops for dinner tonight, if'n you want to stay."

"Yes," said Twilight, getting up and brushing some dry mud from her skirt. "Now that I understand a little more about this world. And... do you think we could have a little bacon with it?"

Had Admiral Biscuit leave a note on my note on Cuddles V about unicorns… Heck, I’ll copy it here:
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/498339/cuddles-v

Unicorn magic means food skips that critical step between frozen and flambé.

It’s true, and that’s a limitation of unicorn magic. It’s why Princess Platinum offered increasing generous prizes for any unicorn who could figure out how to make palatable food using magic, and why every magic school still requires unicorns to create one recipe before they can graduate (they are not required to summon it from nothing or transmute it from dirt into food, but they must source the ingredients themselves and then prepare them in front of no less than three judges).

Douser took a break from arranging rainclouds around the blazing inferno that had once been the School for Gifted Unicorn's testing facility and glided down to a clump of SGU faculty who were obviously shocked at the results.

"Mid-terms again, I see." Douser held a hoof over his eyes and squinted at the lined steel pole sticking out of the tower's top where the flames ended. "Ninety-seven. New record?"

"By five points," said Musty Page, the Dean of High-Energy Thaumaturgy. "We should have looked at the records before setting Miss Belle to making hot chocolate. Her mother set the previous record." The Dean cast a cautious look at a small family of unicorns a short distance away. The father caught the look and rolled his eyes, returning to providing parental support and gentle back-pats to his sobbing oldest daughter.

"It sounds like she's going to drop out in order to work on becoming a fashion designer," said Miss Pin, the Arcane Librarian, giving a superior sniff. "Pity."

"Well, it looks like they've got another daughter who could attend later," said Douser cheerfully. "You could always have her make something harmless like avocado toast for her mid-term."

Twelve years later when Sweetie Belle had her mid-term exams, Douser could remember his exact words echoing through his head as he watched the rebuilt testing tower slowly melt into slag and begin eating into the granite below.

The Writer’s Group had a thread on what it would look like if the Mane 6 regenerated like Doctor Who. I had to go there.
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/50/the-writers-group/thread/472704/what-would-happen-if-the-mane-six-regenerated

"This is going to bring up all kinds of questions." Twilight Sparkle looked at Applejack, then at the former Applejack sprawled out on the rocky valley floor. "I mean are you still really my friend, Applejack? Should we just treat this as a change of clothes, or are you a brand new pony?"

"Ah feel just like ah did before," said Applejack, or at least the one that was alive. She picked the hat up from the valley floor and made to put it on her head, only to stop when it hung up on the horn. "Well, almost," added Applejack with a cross-eyed look at the new bodily appendage.

"Not quite," said Rarity, who had begun to study a rock on the nearby valley wall. "There's just one more thing you're going to need."

"Pants," declared Pinkie Pie with a look underneath her friend. "Look at the bright side. You'll know how your brother feels now."

Shrink Laureate did a touching story about how much trouble it is to get Twilight Sparkle to realize she’s being set up to rule so the Sisters can retire at last. I thought that was being too easy on the two vacationing plotters...

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/491191/abdication

"Sister, we hath a letter from your student. She is inviting us to Canterlot to participate in court."

"Oh, no. Not a chance. I'm working on my tan."

"Not a full Royal Court," corrected Luna as she read. "It would be very small. Nine members, to be exact, and none of them her."

"She's not going to be at court?" Celestia arranged her reflector to get more sunlight under her chin. "Good. She must be too busy actually ruling."

"Actually, she's setting up something called..." Luna carefully phrased the odd word. "Parle-lee-ment. Are you certain we should turn down her invitation, Celly? At least one of us should attend, and it might as well be both so we don't have to describe it back and forth afterward. The letter says it would be most excellent. A supreme court is her exact phrasing."

Now I don’t normally do an ‘answer’ to one of my own blurbs, but this is an exception. Zubric wrote a story where Starlight Glimmer turns herself into an inflatable pool toy. I thought I’d show how witty I am, or at least half-way, by referring to Twilight Sparkle Makes a Coltfriend… Literally in a sideways fashion. Then… Well, you’ll see

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/494430/the-inflatable-starlight

"Squeak squeakin squeak squeaker, squeakum squeakie squeak."
(*) Translation: Take it from me, turning into a plush pony is a bad idea and will not end well.

Zubric - Funny cause I’m making a twilight plush story. Everyone can’t resist hugging her

"Darling, it's just a loose thread. I don't see why you're being so..."

Rarity stopped pulling and looked at the collection of loose purple cloth and tufts of stuffing spread out across the library floor.

"Oh, bother." After due consideration, she removed a needle from her emergency sewing kit and set to work. After all, there had always been some very minor shape and proportion problems with Twilight's figure, and this was the perfect opportunity to make her the perfect princess.

Rambling Writer has a touching story about Twilight moving the constellations around to prevent the end of the universe. Thankfully, she did not do that earlier.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/493904/misaligned

"Princess Celestia! I was reviewing Predictions and Prophecies and saw there was a stellar conjunction that would release Nightmare Moon, and I know moving the stars is very difficult, but I studied every tome in the library on it and managed to shift the conjunction forward several centuries so you'll have more time to prepare and... Princess Celestia? Why are you crying?"

TheOneWithoutAName put out an interesting Changeling/Royal Sisters M-rated fic where Celestia, Luna, Thorax and Pharynx get hooked up. I think it would also make a darling Y-rated fic if I ever got time, as I hinted in my comment.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/493309/marriages-are-a-changeling

What's worse, I can see a version of this happening in Y-rated canon, when Cadence decides that Moose-Bug and Auntie would make such a cute couple, and sneaks a little 'extra' paperwork into the peace treaty stack to be signed by both of them.

"Thorax?" Celestia gave the love-bug sitting beside her at the table a gentle bump. "Do you have any idea why my niece just broke out in unconditional giggling and fled the room?"

"I'm not sure." Thorax gave out a little hiccup and shook his head. "She put out a burst of luuuuve just as we were signing. I feel like that one time I went out drinking cactus juice with Pharynx."

"oh, no," said Celestia in a very small voice before bending down and leafing through the papers on the table. "Quick, help me look through this treaty we just signed. I know her. She's sneakier than Luna."

1. The Scene of the Accident

Author's Note

I suppose I should elaborate a little. Over the last year or so, I’ve gotten little bursts of creativity (like sick fireflies, I suppose) while reading other people’s stories or blog posts, which inspire me to write little scenes or snarky reactions, not quite big enough to go into Horizon’s Never The Final Word anthology (which you should go read, by the way), but too good not to save inside the document I was using to edit and draft those little gems (or chunks of quartz or perhaps solidified gum on your shoe). All I needed was an excuse to share them with people who have similar twisted senses of humor. Respectively, that’s April Fool’s Day and you (because you’re reading this, after all). Enjoy.

1. The Scene of the Accident

Thoughtletts
(Hey, it’s all in fun, until somepony pokes an i out.)

From Kudzu’s The Perilous Gestation of Swans on the diet of pregnant alicorns
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/368261/the-perilous-gestation-of-swans

"Sister?" Luna craned her head to get a glance at where Celestia was curled around a bowl of something that smelled of chocolate and...something else. "What is that?"

"Chocolate-covered coffee beans," she muttered through packed cheeks.

"Oh." Luna sniffed the air. "Are there any left?"

She did not get an immediate response, only a low, feral growl that raised the hairs on the back of her neck.

"Well, how many have you had so far?" she asked instead.

"Five," snarled Celestia.

"Oh." Luna looked around the room. "Bowls or beans?"

"Fifty pound bags," admitted Celestia. "Be a dear and see if there's a new shipment yet."

Coalfire had his wisdom teeth out
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/724896/thanks-for-your-patience-guys

"I hate this," grumbled Queen Chrysalis. "Queen of all the changelings, and I'm reduced to a squeaky toy." She wobbled the hoof that was holding onto said toy with a sad little squeak. "Let the little vermin in before I lose my patience."

A small door in the nearby wall opened up, and a little pink foal toddled out, her knobby knees and clumsy hooves giving her gait an unsteady, bursty tendency. She spotted the squeaky toy tied around Chrysalis's hoof and stumbled forward, with eyes only for the tiny little sparkly ball that made such tempting noises.

"Ah, that's better," sighed the changeling queen. She waved the little toy to the great amusement of the little foal and soaked up the childish stream of love that followed. The gaping pits in her jaws where her wisdom fangs used to be would be healed up in three or four weeks, and by then, she was so looking forward to some real solid food in her diet again.

From Kris Overstreet’s story
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/367354/an-orderly-transfer-of-power

Hm, counting days makes Luna's mandatory vacation upcoming too, but since a challenger withdrawing from the rebellion can appoint an equal as her/his alternate, I really expect Princess Luna to appoint Princess (wait for it) Twilight, thus leaving Twilight facing off against Twilight.

"Have at thee!" declared Princess Twilight Sparkle at the top of her lungs. There was a brief pause as she trudged over to the other end of the field, turned around, and responded.

"If that's the way you want it, I shall ensure your defeat!" Then Twilight trudged back across the field of battle for her next line.

"Dear?" said Night Light, looking a little worried while sitting next to his wife in the Distinguished Guests section. "I really don't recall this kind of behavior in any of my relatives."

From Nygerguds post Concerning the value of Groundhog Day
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/721957/concerning-the-value-of-groundhog-day

"So how long do we have to wait here?" hissed Luna to her sister, keeping her voice down in order not to draw attention from the rest of the crowd.

"No more than another hour or two," whispered Celestia back. "Have a little respect for their tradition, Luna. The ceremony of Groundhog Determination is a very ancient tradition of these earth ponies."

"Only two centuries," whispered Luna. "Hardly a blip. What happens if the rodent doesn't come out of its den?"

"Early spring," whispered Celestia. "I keep the sun up a little longer during the days so the weather warms up. It's a delightful time, with—"

There was an ear-splitting screech and a fat groundhog fairly exploded out of the rough hole in the ground. He darted back and forth, finally landing on his rump with a faint hiss of an extinguished fire and a small trail of smoke fading away from his panicked flight.

"Huzzah!" declared Luna into the resulting silence. "Six more weeks of winter!"

From JediMasterEd’s blog on submitting stories to Hasbro
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/715230/pray-for-the-ponies-inside-your-head-for-they-wont-be-there-when-youre-dead

Needs a story to go with it - It's So Hard To Say No!
A collection of Twilight Sparkle's rejection letters to ponies who have sent suggestions in to her.

Dear Half Flat,
We have received your musical submission, or at least we think it is a musical submission, because there are notes on the page and words that rhyme. In places. Unfortunately at this time we do not have an electric tuba or a 488 piece hypersonic pipe organ to properly do justice to your composition. Perhaps you could try Yakyakistan.
Sincerely,
Twilight Sparkle

(From There Goes the Neighborhood)
Meanwhile, in another time and place...

Agent Murial looked up from the giant wad of paperwork at the sound of a light tapping against the Secret Service office door, giving a brief gasp at what she saw there.

"Excuse me," said the tall white horse, who was looking around the office rather shyly. "My sister and I are looking for the White House Transition Office. We're both so glad to be working for the new president."

"Y-y-you're..." Agent Murial continued to stare until the horse gave another blink of surprise.

"Oh, pardon me. I'm Celestia and this is my sister Luna. Luna?" Celestia looked back over her shoulder and gave a sigh. "Nevermind, she found the coffee machine. Anyway, we're the new minority hires with the presidential transition team."

"...unicorns," finished Murial rather weakly, suddenly feeling an urge to unpack that bottle of gin she had in one of the correspondence boxes.

"Alicorns, actually." The horned horse extended a snow-white wing slightly and gave it a brief flap. "Technically, we're endangered species, but whenever that gets mentioned in a government office, somebody always brings up the topic of a breeding program, and that inevitably descends into a discrimination lawsuit. We just need a little space to put our things." She smiled in a way that made the thin sunbeam coming in through Agent Murial's window seem to twinkle and dance. "You'll never even notice we're here."

From Estee’s Blog Post (I seem to do a lot of Thottlets there) about Blink and Pegasi
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/720553/probably-the-stupidest-possible-response-to-all-the-blink-inspirations-variants-why-should-unicorns-have-all-the-fun

Twilight Sparkle picked her way out of the library, keeping her hooves flat against the ground and shuffling in order not to step on any of the mewing mass of mouse-hunters. Moving in that slow fashion took nearly an hour to get to Sugarcube Corner, where Rainbow Dash sat morosely at a table, batting kittens off it whenever they climbed too high.

She sat down after carefully brushing the chair clear of cats, took a deep breath, and looked at her somewhat naked looking friend, trying her best to phrase her question in a gentle fashion before just blurting it out. "So, all of the pegasi in Ponyville are molting because of the spell I cast?"

From Estee’s blog post
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/719610/patreon-blog-takeover-how-to-general-equivalency-diploma-your-dragon-brumby-run

What's worse, Spike has become accustomed to being the Most Trusted Individual for the brilliant Twilight Sparkle (now Princess), and acting as sort-of the anti-Twilight, as in when she's panicked, he has to be calm, when she's overworking herself, he has to step in, etc... And some of that 'bright' has rubbed-off.

"Ah!" Measured Response gave a huff of suppressed aggravation at the sight of Spike casually strolling into the testing room. "Finally! Take your quill and be seated, please. This standardized test for the Equestrian Education Evaluation committee will take four hours, starting--"

"Just a moment, Mister Response," said Spike, looking over the top of the sealed test. "You have the wrong age category on the E3 here. This is the Twelve Year Revision B7 Stroke Q E3 test for multi-species performance evaluation."

The bureaucrat frowned, flipping through his notes. "You are twelve."

"Yes, but testing for non-pony races is based on a sliding scale," explained Spike. "Twilight was researching it a few years ago. You need the table found in 'Equestrian Educational Evaluation Average Age Adjustment' or what Twilight called the E3A3."

"Not a problem." The unicorn dipped into his briefcase and flipped through forms briefly before extracting a piece of thick cardboard festooned with numbers. "Now, your species is draconus vulgaris, which puts us on this line, average age of—" The bureaucrat stopped and looked at Spike over the top of his glasses.

"One thousand, eight hundred and fifty," confirmed Spike. "Which leaves you in the first column, Toddler Pre-School. There's only one E3 test for that age category, and the answers are triangle, house, red, blue, pegasus, unicorn, and Princess Celestia. Can I go now? I left Twilight alone in Princess Luna's library, and she's in a reshelving mood."

From the NSFW story Hillary Clinton Saves Equestria
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/365660/hillary-clinton-saves-equestria

Reminds me of a nondenominational joke. Princess Celestia was having problems coordinating her rule over the Principality of Equestria with her sister, Luna, so she called in the three greatest minds in American politics into her throne room to give her advice.

When Bernie was called forward, he scratched his chin for a while and said, "What you both need is to tear down Canterlot and go live among the common ponies, using all the money and resources that go into this city to help the poor and downtrodden."

Well, that sounded a little extreme, and there really were not that many poor and downtrodden ponies to help anymore due to her benevolent leadership over the many centuries, so she turned to the next politician.

Donald Trump pushed forward, looking around with a frown. "For starters, you need to redecorate this dump. It's really sad. Put some solid gold pillars over there, some diamond floor tiles, and a huge sign across the front with your name on it. Plus the real estate market in the city is stagnant. You need some casinos and hotels to bring in the high-rollers, with some real quality chefs for the buffet. I've got a few names in mind, and I can start tomorrow if you give me the word."

Since Canterlot already had far too many rich and stuck-up ponies for her taste, and most of the diamond floor tiles were going into the renovation of the Crystal Empire castle anyway, Celestia just shook her head and turned to the third politician.

Hillary Clinton walked up to Celestia and pointed. "You're sitting in my chair, (censored)."

(From a comment on Drifting Down the Lazy River)
"So..." Gaberdine looked down at the rough husk digging into to his chest. "We managed to get the pod attached, and you said it should provide nutrition and oxygen for the foal—"

"Foals," corrected Pearl shyly.

"Foals," said Gaberdine with a gulp, looking down again at the rough brown pod. "So another four or five months before they hatch, right? We should probably get a pair of bassinets before them. Or..." Gaberdine hesitated before venturing, "or three?"

"Fifty-seven," said Pearl. "It will probably become a little uncomfortable around the fourth month while they nurse through the skin of the pod, so we'll have to keep your strength up with a high-protein diet high in clam meat and fish, but I don't see why they can't all make it to full term. And if you survive, we'll have to see if we can do this again in a few years to give them some little brothers and sisters."

(A comment on why you don’t let a general contractor work unsupervised, which I left in Drifting Down the Lazy river)
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/363036/drifting-down-the-lazy-river

Princess Celestia stood very quietly with her tongue stuck in the corner of her cheek while looking up at the mountain. Finally, she took a deep breath and addressed the young architect at her side.

"I seem to remember asking for a quiet mountain cottage with a view of the valley. Three rooms, perhaps four, a private retreat where I could spend the occasional weekend away from the troubles and stress of court."

"There's at least three rooms in your tower, Your Highness," said Cost Overrun, pointing with one hoof at the tallest tower in the city, done up in enough gold around the edges so that it reflected considerable glints even at this distance. The obsidian glints from a similar tower just slightly behind and to the left made it totally excessive for him to add, "I made a tower for your sister too, just in case.”

Celestia cast a sideways glance at her sister, who was still lying on her back, holding her belly with all four hooves, and laughing her plot off.

"Yes, I can understand why we might not want to share a room." The unspoken "Or I might attempt murder while she's sleeping for suggesting you as a contractor" drifted silently through the air.

(From one of my own stories, Drifting Down the Lazy River)

Princess Platinum, Clover the Clever and Chancellor Puddinghead stood next to each other, watching the roaring flames consume Castle Harmony amidst the twinkling flakes of blowing snow. All around them, the evacuated ponies of the former kingdom gathered together in small groups, talking among themselves in hushed tones until Puddinghead broke the silence.

"I hear there's a nifty neat place to live down south," she chirped. "Full of trees and grass and flowers, and without the brr chilly winters we get up here."

"Sounds good to me," said Commander Hurricane as he flew down to land at their side in a flurry of flakes. "We can just write this place off as an insurance loss. Looks like natural causes to me, right everypony?"

"We get double indemnity for an invasion," mused Clover. "Perhaps... Windigos. How does that sound, Your Highness?"

"I suppose," moped the despondent princess.

"Don't worry," chirped Puddinghead with one hoof around Princess Platinum's neck. "Nopony is going to blame you. It was an accident, just like the last seventeen times, only bigger."

"I know," said Platinum with a deep sigh. "I thought it would be different this time. All I was trying to do was make orange juice."

3. Brilliant Flashes of the Obvious

Thoughtletts
(Insert brilliant quote here)

From Posh’s story about Owls and their eating habits
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/379859/the-eating-habits-of-the-genus-strix

Once Spike had been chased off to other chores and Owlowicious had returned to his perch to sleep off the bloody meal, Twilight Sparkle took a few minutes to check out the damages. It really was not all that bad, since she had a spell to remove blood from fabric and had gotten quite a bit of practice with it due to the Crusader's tendency to run inside the library⁽*⁾ for medical treatment after any of their plans went sideways. She swept the leftover fur into the trash, mended a tiny rip in the chair's lining, and went outside to where the trash was put until collection day. Ostensibly, her task was for disposal, but as long as she was out there, she took a quick peek inside the rat tunnel that had been chewed into the library roots and counted the inhabitants.
(*) Twilight tried to think of her 'patching-up' sessions more as basic anatomy lessons for the CMC than attempts to hide evidence of illicit mark-gaining activities from overprotective siblings.

As she suspected, there was one missing.

"Stupid owl," she muttered under her breath. "Hunt in your own territory. I was saving that one for a special occasion. Now I'll need to talk to Fluttershy again about getting a replacement." She heaved a sigh and returned to the library, considering just what other dietary changes she had undergone since she became a princess.

From Kudzu’s Foalsitting Follies where everything seems to be going just fine
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/373304/foalsitting-follies

Twilight Sparkle looked out from the balcony on her castle, with her head pointing slightly down and a thoughtful expression, but she was not reading a book. She was, it seemed to Seville, as if she was looking at nothing at all. He didn't want to ask, but eventually, he had to slip up next to her and say the words that most certainly would lead to disaster.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," said Twilight almost immediately. "It's just quiet. Too quiet." She paused for a moment as if waiting for an explosion in the distance. "It never gets this quiet unless something terrible is about to happen."

"Oh." Seville joined her in looking down into the quiet streets of Ponyville, lit in shades of gold and red by the setting sun. Finally, he opened his mouth again and said, "Don't worry. Nothing could possibly go wrong."

That earned him a fierce glare, but as it was not followed by explosions or fire, Twilight eventually responded, "At least we're not being invaded."

Still nothing happened, so Seville responded, "Good thing, too. I'm only a day away from retirement."

That earned a sniffle-snort from Twilight and a shake of her head. "Oh, you are so on. Ahem!" She held one hoof across her chest and announced in her best Royal fashion, "Nothing exciting ever happens in Ponyville."

"Of course not," said Seville. "We're perfectly safe here."

"Now I possess the ultimate power," announced Twilight with a growing giggle. "Nothing can stop me now!"

With both of them helpless from giggles, it took Spike a few minutes to gain their attention. He stood for a while in the doorway, holding a plunger, until the two of them were able to speak.

"The toilet's plugged up again and I can't get it unstuck," he announced. "Would Miss Ultimate Power or Mister Retirement care to take a plunge at it?"

From a comment about cost overruns in The One Who Got Away
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/284135/the-one-who-got-away

Celestia remained looking up into the sky with her lips pulled into a thin line for a long, long time before saying a single word.

"Why?"

"Why, what, Your Highness?" asked the representative from Hockheed. Getting no further clarification, he added, "It's a state of the art F-35 Pegasus Carrier, with bunking and munitions capacity for a full squadron of Royal Guard to be deployed for up to seven weeks at a time, just as it said in the proposal. Is there something wrong with it, Your Highness?"

"It's a cloud." Celestia remained looking up into the sky, but her lips thinned more into a frown, a terrible expression indeed for the quaking representative. "An inferior cloud you probably got out of Cloudsdale's seconds bin. I can see through sections of it."

"Viewports," prompted the representative. "Very expensive."

"Two point seven billion bits," said Celestia. "Two point six billion of which just recently seem to have started on a journey to several offshore banks, into accounts of the Hockheed Executive Board of Directors. The prosecutions will take weeks out of my schedule." She turned to the sweating representative, who for lack of wings could not fly away, but looked like he was trying with all of his might to go through a sudden evolutionary spurt to become the first Alicorn of Panic. Two hefty Royal Guards in golden armor appeared as if by magic to his sides at Celestia's short nod, and she turned away, calling over her shoulder.

"These two gentlecolts will take you to a nice, comfortable cell with a member of our investigative team. If you are very cooperative, you might see the sun again before you have a long, white beard."

"Thank you!" called out the representative. He took several shuddering breaths until Celestia had passed out of sight, then turned to the two impassive pegasi. "Can I get a cell with a south window?"

From Fuzzyfurvert’s blog post on bad clop stories
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/742449/there-is-too-much-clop

So tempted to write a non-clop clop story to perplexulate people.

"So, how did you like it?" Twilight Sparkle's eager face was far too close for Rarity's comfort, particularly after having only read the first chapter of her new story. Her particularly specific story, written with the greatest attention to detail and research, which was one thing Rarity was determined not to think about.

Oh, drat. Now I can't get that mental image out of my mind.

"It seems," started Rarity in an effort to restart her brain, "quite seriously written. And with quite an advanced vocabulary. For example, what is this word here?"

Rarity pointed. Twilight explained. Rarity decided at that point not to ask for any more dictionary definitions of the remaining words she had skipped over.

"It was... good," she said instead. "Although I can't help but wonder why you chose to follow the... act to the fertilization and implantation. Or just why the mare in this case can feel the actual fertilized egg attach to the inside of her uterus. If that were actually the case, there would be a lot less doubt about the nature of fertility, and the sale of pregnancy tests would be almost nil."

From Daddy Celestia’s chapter in Scrambled Serenity. Yet more egg-based humor.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/376088/scrambled-serenity

"Your Highness?" The look on the Royal Guard's face could only be described as 'Royal Perplexion,' a facial expression they had become more used to over the last few years. "Is there a particular reason..." He trailed off and took a nervous glance behind him.

"Go on," encouraged Celestia. "Discord went home several minutes ago."

"Oh, thank Celestia," said the guard in an explosion of relaxed breath. "Not that I'm thanking you for... um... Well, there's this... thing in the throne room."

"A thing," said Celestia with the measured pace of somepony quite used to pulling answers out of ponies one small fragment at a time.

"Yes. It's a... Well, your throne is gone. Well, not gone so much as.... Well, replaced," finished the guard. "With a nest."

"A nest?" asked Celestia with renewed interest. "A rather large nest, say for example alicorn sized, with a depression in the middle the size of a large egg?"

"Yes," said the guard, sounding considerably relieved. "And a big sign over it with an arrow pointing down at the egg that says..." The guard stopped and licked his lips nervously. "Place Royal Fundament Here."

"Oh, that's perfectly... normal," said Celestia, considering how the value of 'normal' had changed in her life. "Is that all?"

"No, Your Highness." The guard fidgeted and looked over his shoulder again. "Princess Luna was wondering how long she had to sit on it until it was your turn."

From Estee’s discovery of a counterfeit $100 bill
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/737040/breaking-ben-what-do-you-do-with-a-counterfeit-100#page/2

You know, there's a story lurking in here

Funny Money

Applejack is closing up her apple stand and discovers a counterfeit bit. Panics.
RD saunters along. Thinks it's cool. Wants to prank with it.
Flutters shows. Major league panic. In terror.
Princess Twilight shows (because all her friends seem to be gathering) Manages to out-panic Flutters. Punishment for counterfeiting is major.
Rarity shows. Attempts to calm. Says she had several large purchases today. Did not see any there. Doubt begins to raise its head. A big panic begins the feedback loop.
Pinkie Pie bounces in, picks up the counterfeit, drops a real bit in its place, peels off the gold foil and eats the chocolate. "I was wondering where I put that." Bounces away.

Dear Princess Celestia
Today I learned not to panic over small things. One of my friends found what we thought was a counterfeit bit, and we got all worked up over it, only to find out it was not what we thought it was.

Your fellow princess
Twilight Sparkle

Epilogue

Crew of Royal Guard pegasi break into the castle, haul Twilight and Spike away in chains while they search the place.

From the Writer’s Group on Amulet usage
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/50/the-writers-group/thread/319090/on-amulet-usage-in-equestria

“Behold your doom, Princess Twilight,” cackled Trixie, waving one hoof for emphasis while thunder rumbled in the background.

“Cut that out, Rainbow Dash!” shouted Twilight up into the clouds. “You’re just encouraging her.” Lowering her voice, Twilight Sparkle turned back to the flamboyant performer, who was wearing her traditional magician’s cape and hat, only festooned with half of Pinkie Pie’s glitter supply. “What is it this time, Trixie?”

“Princess Trixie,” cackled Trixie. “Once I have revealed my greatest creation, you will shake in fear, tremble with anticipation, and be stricken dumb with terror. Behold!” With one sweep of her hoof, Trixie removed the silk cloth cover from the platter she was carrying, and Twilight Sparkle cringed back in fear.

“No!” she cried. “It’s not possible! Nopony could possibly—”

“Not just any pony!” declared Trixie. “For only an alicorn could vanquish… The Alicorn Omelette!”

“So much cheese,” murmured Twilight. “And… are those mushrooms?”

From a comment on the proofreading group that… um… you’ll see.
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/27/the-proofreader-group/thread/316930/active-the-awakening-of-a-kaiju-sex-mature-adventure-crossover-alternate-universe-anthro-original-character

You have a fic with Kaiju tagged sex. The mind boggles.

Lieutenant Smith stood on the Manhattan seawall with his binoculars, observing the incoming monsters out in the harbor. Well, he was observing, but he wasn't too sure about the 'in' part of the observation. Still, there was really nothing he could do, particularly when the voice of General Barstow was filtering up the stairwell behind him.

"Lieutenant," he barked once he reached the top of the stairs. "Report!"

"Four Kaiju out in the harbor sir." Smith decided to leave it at that and hold out his binoculars.

"How soon do you estimate they'll reach the wall?" said Barstow, still leaning up against the nearby doorway and panting from the climb.

"Um. That depends." Smith took another look over his shoulder, then a second look. For giant monsters the size of large buildings, they certainly were flexible.

"Depends on what?" Barstow straightened up and looked out into the harbor with a squint.

"On how long their mating season is, sir," said Smith. "Would you like to use the binoculars?"

From Estee’s comments on banking
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/730011/origin-of-an-unworkable-idea-dont-count-your-bits-because-theres-a-fee-for-that

"You want me to guard your bank?"

Silver Certificate nodded, his long white mane making a nearly hypnotic bobbing. "Yes, of course. You're a strong young lad who prefers an inside job with little manual lifting. You've even got the cutie mark for it," he added, pointing at Early Withdraw's moneybag mark.

"But that's for taking money from other ponies," said Early rather slowly.

"What do you think a bank does?" asked Silver Certificate. "We take money from ponies and keep it for them while loaning it out to ponies with and charging more interest for the ones who need a loan. Borrow at two, lend at three, go home at four is what my grandfather always said."

Oliver’s statistics
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/730463/statistics-3-the-seven-elements-of-harmony

The main question still remaining unresolved: Is the Element of Courage vodka or bourbon? Testing must be done.

Twilight Sparkle carefully measured two more doses with a graduated cylinder, then pass them over to her two experimental subjects. Big Mac chugged his down, but Caramel looked cross-eyed at his and blurted out, "What are we doing again?"

"I told you six times already," huffed Twilight. "Seeing how much alcohol it takes to overcome your fear of asking Fluttershy out for a date. Now, drink up." She turned to Big Mac, only to find him muzzle-down on the table and snoring, a pose which Caramel adopted a few second later.

"Darnit," she muttered, wadding up her observation notes.