Pillars of smoke filled the air around the town as Twilight collapsed in exhaustion on the attic floor.
How could this happen…?
She felt a hoof on her shoulder.
“Buck up, Captain. Can’t have you falling apart on us now,” a voice told her.
Twilight Sparkle looked up to see a pegasus clad in iron armor. Sergeant Rainbow Dash of the Equestrian Air Force. She had been a pivotal factor in the ongoing war, with her squadron being amongst the most elite in all of the land. Before the war, nopony had even known who they were. But rumors had it that if there was a problem and nopony else could help, then perhaps one lucky enough to find them could hire her elite squad to take on some of the most dangerous operations against the enemy. They had even been the ones to bring down Sombra’s orbital space oddity.
And so it was, Twilight mused. Perhaps on a normal occasion, the captain would have been angry at having someone of lower rank speak to her in such a manner, but she acknowledged that in a way, it was her own fault for being pathetic enough to show weakness in the face of her team.
Still, a week’s worth of constant failures had a way of doing that to you. Out of their last ten assignments, the team had failed eight of them due to an excessive amount of water and tsunamis along the coast.
“I’m fine, Rainbow,” Twlilight finally spoke up, managing to bring herself to an upright position. “Just… need some time to think, that’s all.”
After a brief pause, Rainbow sat down beside her. Currently, their team was taking shelter in an abandoned cottage in Ponyville while they awaited for new orders from the Princesses. The house was in severe disrepair, with several walls damaged and creaky floorboards. Not that such a sight was strange in such a war-torn world. The two currently sat in the crumpled attic of the home, a hole in the collapsed roof allowing them to observe the sun’s slow descent below the horizon.
It was only the two of them for the time being. The rest of the squad, exhausted, had ventured to the nearest underground tavern run by the brakeeper, Berry Punch. In a bleak world, ponies more than ever came to enjoy the delights of alcohol and being in a place where they were at least somewhat safe, a place to unwind a bit, a place where everybody knew their name. Twilight had been to a few bars, but she never had much of a taste for them. The burning sensation of the alcohol down her throat bothered her more than it comforted her. The same certainly could not be said for the Sergeant. Rainbow was a notorious drinker among the Air Force, something that, under normal circumstances, might have had her dishonorably discharged. But with their current state, the Air Force was under pressure and forced to accept the troublemaker. Twilight had certainly been at the receiving end of many of her drunken piano songs and beer-smelling microphones as she and the patrons chanted along, trying to keep their morale up in these dark times.
“Where’s Starman?” Twilight asked Rainbow.
“I think he’s with the others at the bar,” Rainbow simply responded.
A pause.
“Hey, Twilight?” Rainbow finally spoke up, breaking the silence that had filled the room and snapping Twilight back to their bleak situation.
Twilight turned to her.
“Yeah?”
“Do you ever wonder why we’re here?”
“I… I don’t know. I guess that’s one of life’s greatest mysteries. Why are we here? Is our presence here just pure chance, some… accident? The result of things out of our control? An alignment of magical forces? Or is Faust truly out there, watching over us? Has she dictated our lives to be this way for a reason? As a test for us, or some kind of plan? What even constitutes ‘here’? A presence of mind? Body? Soul? We can’t trace time, even if it changes us…”
Twilight turned away for a moment, watching the sun set on the horizon as she pondered over her own words, as if attempting to answer her own questions.
“I don’t know, Rainbow. But it keeps me up at night…”
A brief but heavy silence engulfed the room. Twilight merely continued to look out from the hole in the damaged ceiling, while Rainbow quietly looked her over for a minute.
…
“What?”
“Hmm?” Twilight finally turned to Rainbow.
“I meant why are we here, in a collapsed building, in the middle of this mess?!” Rainbow asked, a mix of exhaustion over their situation and confusion at Twilight’s unexpected response.
“Well…” Twilight began.
Twilight got up, adjusting the white bandana on her forehead and dusting off the worn black body suit that she wore. The one that she had worn when in her time conundrum, and similar to the one the special agent had used to infiltrate the tanker ship in Manehattan. But she never expected that she would have to wear it again… and especially not in a situation like this.
It all started thirty moons ago, when Odiosis the Wizard had come from the moon to fulfill the Ancient Prophecy and bring the land the prettiest star. Through the dark magic hidden withing his crown of bones, he had revived King Sombra and weakened the four alicorn Princesses. With their powers gone and no easy solution to the task, Celestia had only one option, an option she had hoped she would never have to carry out.
Mobilize her country for war.
War. It never changed. Normally. But now it had changed. With the call to arms set out, all ponies had abandoned their normal lives and taken up hooves. Needless to say, the country of Equestria was ill-prepared for war, as Celestia quickly realized. She realized that her only hope was in an elite team of ponies, a team so advanced and overpowered that they alone could defeat the impending evil and Sombra’s army of scare monsters and super creeps. And that’s where the team of ponies that some unforeseen force drove her to codename the “Mane Six” had come in.
Thankfully, the team had met an old sage not long into their excursions. Recognizing the dangers of them taking on the enemy alone, the master had instructed them to “take this”, and crafter 6 diamond swords with enchanted power levels of four.
Having just recently failed their first ever task of retrieving supplies for the nearby starving town, Twilight worriedly awaited for further instructions from the Princesses.
So close, Twilight thought in frustration. We could have had those medical supplies. All we had to do was follow the Faust-damned train.
She blames Spike’s weak grip and terrible aim.
I’m sorry, Berry. You’re going to have to get ready to start a new career in a new city.
Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, along with an occasional supporting actress, had all been assembled for the task. From attacking underwater fortresses to lairs hidden inside volcanoes underwater in space, the six ponies had seen it all. Thanks to their efforts and the legendary warrior Ramirez, the entire war had been turned around. But it was not without consequence. Many brave souls had been lost in the fight. Twilight could never forget that one chinagirl. Vinyl scratch had died while constructuing additional pylons, and a bunch of other died too. Also, a bunch of gore and hyper-realistic blood had been spilled along the way, with plenty of severly injured ponies who died of hyper-realistic blood too.
“So?” Rainbow spoke up, using her 20% cooler level 100 sneak skill to snap Twilight out of deep ponderings. “Do you ever wonder why we’re here?”
…
“No.”
“Huh?” Rainbow asked, taken back. That ccertainly was the last answer she expected from twilight.
“No, I never, ever wonder why we’re here. Semper Fi, bitch,” Twilight growled at her.
“Hey Twilight!” a voice came from downstairs.
“Oh no…” Twilight groaned. “I thought he was busy going to get us two number nine’s with extra cheese from Scootalo Fried Chicken!”
They began to hear approaching footsteps as the mysterious voice scaled the ladder to the collapsed attic. Within a few seconds, a head poked up from the ladder opening to reveal the source of the voice.
It was [SPECIFIC FIRST NAME THAT TOTALLY ISN’T THE AUTHOR’S OR SIMILAR] [SPECIFIC LAST NAME THAT TOTALLY ISN’T THE AUTHOR’S OR SIMILAR], the sole human in Equestria. Back on his homeplanet, he was an ordinary 16 year old with a job at Subway who had been a complete loner and had been misunderstood and mistreated by others. However, the author- I MEAN *cough cough* HE of all people apparently believed- I MEAN *cough cough* WAS somehow more deserving of it than anybody else, so he of all people was teleported to Equestria because magic. Not only that, but his brother, FlamingShadowDarkBladeDeathR43perOutcast BloodyMoonEvilMechaFangClawWing had also suddenly re-emerged at the same time as he. FSDBDRO BMEMFCW was a black alicorn with red highlights and a mane made of active fire that didn’t actually burn anything but still could unleash fire blasts and burn opponents but not his friends only opponents could burn. He had devil horns and a variety of tattoos that looked like something juggalos would wear. His favorite music (because that’s important actually hey what do you think would happen if I decided not to close the parantheses here? Cliffhanger! was MCR and Avenged Sevenfold. He was evil but a hero who loved to make other suffer but also cared for them and had healing powers. He had eventually along the course of the story unlocked the power to wield the Ultimate Katana which could both banish all evil and destroy the world. Naturally, this katana had chosen an alicorn who could only appear if his twin brother from another planet also did, instead of somepony more accessible who could wield it in case of trouble. FSDBDR0 BMEMFCW had actually been a super edgy lord of darkness evil that nopony in Equestria, even Celestia or Luna, remembered, despite the fact that he was incredibly powerful and full of so much dark magic that you’d think that there would at least be some warning about him and that someone would at some point bring it up, but of course, despite the fact that they had discovered many villians and saved the world countless times, nobody bothered to tell the mane six about him because reasons.
Upon returning, everypony in Equestria had been absolutely terrified of FSDBDRO BMEMFCW, believing him to be a complete bringer of death and evil and totally heartless. However, because of one minor random act of kindness, everypony decided to completely forget about all his risks and powers and love him as a friend. Actually, more than that, since Celestia/Twilight/Fluttershy/Luna had all become his lovers and enjoyed having fivesomes with him because he could last 4 hours flat in bed. He was also married to all of them while at the same time being monogamous because he had to follow his code of honor. Before I forget, he had also been discovered to be the secret Seventh Element of Harmony, the element of Chaos.
But none of that exposition mattered at the moment because FSDBDRO BMEMFCW wasn’t here at the moment, he was back in the ruins of Canterlot assigned with some serious task he was taking care of, and of course, not stopping at some random point to have a poorly scripted conversation with Derpy that would somehow immediately lead to them having sex.
[FIRST NAME] the human smiled up at Twilight. “Hey, Twilight, are you girls busy? It’s time for my 5 o’clock!”
Twilight let out an exasperated huff. “Seriously, why me? Why am I apparently into interspecies?!”
“Come on, it’s fine, your supposed to like it!” [FIRST NAME] insisted, waving her over.
Twilight gave a sigh as she stood up from her seating position.
“Fine, but let’s make it quick.”
[FIRST NAME] shook his head. “I can’t, remember? I’m capable of lasting 2 hours and although I won’t explicitly mention it in the story, I also have a 10 inch penis and plenty of sexual experience despite the fact that my bio from my time on Earth would make it pretty obvious that I’ve never actually been with a girl in my whole life. Still, like I said, I know precisely how to please a girl, especially one from a totally different species.”
“I still have serious repercussions about this, but it doesn’t matter, because in the story, I will absolutely enjoy our interspecies sex and be glad that my first time was with a human and not someone of my own species. Again, doesn’t matter, had sex,” Twilight rolled her eyes.
“Good, because actually, I thought of a way to make our encounter even hotter!” [FIRST NAME] excitedly mentioned.
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “How?”
“It’s this thing called futanari!” [FIRST NAME] said, a weirdly aroused expression in his eyes.
“What in the hay is futanari?” Twilight and Rainbow, who now suddenly spoke up, asked in perfect synchronization.
“Really?” wondered [FIRST NAME]. “But you’re a powerful ex-unicorn, clearly you know a spell for this, because such a spell naturally exists in Equestria, right? Well, anyways, allow me to explain what that is and what we are going to do.
[FIRST NAME] began a long talk explaining what futanari was that, for the sake of chapter length and to not bore my 5 followers, I won’t completely type out. As he delved into graphic detail of what it was, what it would do, and how they would enjoy it, an anime-style sweatdrop fell down Twilight and RD’s foreheads as their faces slowly twisted into ones of utter shock and horror.
[FIRST NAME] was cheerful throughout his whole explanation, a happy, upbeat tone in his voice like what he was requesting was not at all strange or even slightly unusual. When he finished (in more ways than one), he looked up to the two horrified pones.
“What?” he asked.
“WHAT IN THE NAME OF TARTARUS?!” Twilight demanded, feeling sick to her stomach.
“What’s wrong? Is that a no on the scat-play and bestiality with Winona?” [FIRST NAME] asked.
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ‘WHAT’S WRONG?’?! Do you realize what you’re asking of me?!?1” Twilight reprimanded him, horrified.
“Of you two, actually. I forgot to mention it’ll be a threesome with Rainbow because I totally ship you two, even if you’re not my OTP,” [FIRST NAME] corrected her, shaking his head. “I swear, if this shit doesn’t become cannon soon and my two favorite characters make out on-screen, I’m leaving this fandom…”
“But.. but… but… WHAT?!” Twilight nevertheless insisted, unable to find the words to express her utter shock.
“Hey, this is Equestria, remember? We’re supposed to love and tolerate, which means all my weird and twisted fetishes are totally okay. Heck, even better, it naturally means that everypony here is totally into it as well and wanting to do it with me! I mean, sex is a natural thing. That of course means that my fetishes are no more different than regular clop! I mean, what better place to express my deviations and dark fantasies than in a TV show of pastel-colored ponies for little kids, amirite?”
“But… how could… I don’t…” Twilight’s head fell, unable to process the current situation and unable to believe that this was happening to her.
“OKAY, I’M OUT!” Rainbow groaned, sick of it all. She shot up through the hole in the collapsed ceiling and started to fly away.
“Where are you going?! We’re not done with the story yet!” Twilight and [FIRST NAME] called out to her retreating figure in perfect harmony.
“BUCK THAT1” Dashie called out to them as she flew away. “I have better stories to put my consciousness in, I’m not going to waste my life here!”
LE FIN.
Author's Note
Please don't take this too seriously. I love all you freaks 
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Props to anyone who somehow has the time to spot and list every dumb reference in this story. Also, I'm sorry for any of my followers who are waiting for another chapter of At Your Wing. It's coming, I promise, but I'm sick of only uploading like, once a month, so I'm currently furiously working on it, and I'm going to finish as many chapters as possible. HOPEFULLY, you should begin to see more fast and frequent uploads VERY soon. I'll try hard, I promise.
And of course, April Foal's! 
)))))
