How Equestria Was Made

by Calamity Velvet

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Pinkie Pie
Length: 2944

You know how Equestria was founded by the three pony tribes? Well, that's what the government WANTS you to think.

Equestria is a wonderful place to be in. Monsters always attacking your children, fashion-ponies are more recognised than actual heroes, big fat furry men with fedoras stalk it's very citizens, foals constantly pressured to find their place ASAP, mules and donkeys are inferior to white pony mares, and it's all ruled by an immortal tyrant who controls the very customs and history books, like a certain 1940's German ruler's cousin's sister's godmother's mother's grandmother's cousin three times removed named Charles Hendry Davison Dickson Salomon Alexia North Dakota XIII.

And, yes, that was all just filler. Just read it already.

Published 2017-04-02 01:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-04-02 01:10:01 UTC

FUNNY STORY FOR KIDS!!! SPIDER MAN™ FROZEN™ MY LITTLE PONY™ PAW PATROL™ GREY'S ANATOMY™ MOANNA™

"If every porkchop were perfect, we wouldn't have hotdogs."
- I Have No Idea

"Pepporoni Pitza!" said Pinkie Pie

"We don't have any" said some guy

"Pepporoni Pitza!" said Pinkie Pie

"Will you stop spelling that wrong? And please stop it with the 'said's!" said my proofreader Kenny. Sorry Kenny.

"I will make cupcakes if I don't have Pizza!"

"That doesn't make any sense!" Exclaimed some guy.

"Then I will take you to Tartarus!"

Before some guy could say anything, Pinkie Pie burned a lollipop she stole from a filly, and yelled 'Hop Scotch!' before entering Tartarus. Only for it to be in your mother's basement.

"Oh no!" Pinkie exclaimed. "Some Guy, stay very, very quiet. There's a brony in here, and if he hears you, then we will be in Tartarus."

Some Guy stayed quiet for a time. Then he got bored of being quiet. Then he started yodeling.

"What are you doing?!" exclaimed Pinkie Pie, but it was too late. You heard the sound of yodelling. And then they were in Tartarus. "Great..."

"Great..."

"And Powerful."

"Ganondorf."

"Shut up!" Pinkie shouted in the most disrespectful way possible. "We need a plan. Some Guy, any ideas?"

"Eenope."

"Not you, Big Macintosh. I mean Some Guy."

"Eeokay."

"I'm not sure, but I think I know just what we might need." Said Some Guy.

"What?" asked Pinkie.

"A musical scene! ~If you trust in your heart, many things can happen. Just siiiing... and you'll search, on, Bing~!"

"Not working." Pinkie deadpanned. A ten hour funeral was then held for the poor dead pan, which was known famously for moving from being an ordinary frying pan to becoming a drying pan. A book was even written in it's success, 'From Frying to Drying', which detailed on how it managed to overcome it's rich and evil brother, the Golden Pan, which was co-written by Seymour Stars and the two Asian brothers Ting Won and Ting Tu, with the cover being Won on so many Levels. The pan was also known famously for being a brilliant actor, starring in hit-movies such as Tangled and Ratatouille, sometimes even rivaling Table #3, a great legend we all know and love. It was married to Madam McFlower, and gave birth to a son who became well known to children everywhere named Peter Pan. But, alas, like Ivan the Great himself, every really awesome metal-thing must come to an end.

After the funeral, Pinkie sniffed. "I'll miss that pan. It was a great pan. But now... God decided to use a frying pan... as a dying pan!" She cried into Some Guy's arms. (which would make a pretty awesome ship, by the way)

"You know, Pinkie, you remind me of the pan." said Some Guy.

"R-r... really?" she asked between tears, sobs, and meals. (She was stress eating)

"Well, you see... you are now a Crying Pan." (everyone in the funeral laughed) "But, Pinkamena Diane Pie, I love you. I so freaking love you."

"Well, Some Guy... I... I can't." Pinkie said between sobs.

"Why not?"

"Well... how would my friends think if I married Some Guy!"

Some Guy gave pointy fingers. Suddenly, sirens wailed, and shots were fired everywhere. Everywhere. Because no cops know how to aim, they just know how to shot whenever they flinch. And one cop flinching and shooting causes another cop to flinch and shot.

Yes, the cops are cows.

"Run!" said Pinkie as she dragged Some Guy across Tartarus over to butterfly land. It is a relatively safe place, where cow-cops, dragons, sharp knives, ogres, and protesters can't enter. Everything about it is safe and peaceful. Except for the butterflies.

"What have you done?!" exclaimed Some Guy.

"I don't know!!" exclaimed Pinkie.

"Exclamations!" Exclaimed Exclaim the Exclamation Point.

Butterflies attacked everywhere, showing no mercy to anyone who entered. Pinkie and Some Guy grabbed a shovel to attack them, but the butterflies are too small to be easily hit. The butterflies attacked in a gigantic swarm, overflowing the world of their massive population of mass destruction. Every living being has a purpose, and the purpose of every butterfly is to destroy. Whenever they don't have any visitors to destroy for over a decade, they'll destroy each other in Hungar Games and wars. That might explain why mankind has so many wars and ponies don't, for the human race only has humans to socialise with, and ponies have griffins, zebras, yaks, changelings, and even those stupid cows.

Perhaps maybe life is like a butterfly.

Whenever you don't have someone to be mean towards, you'll be mean towards yourself. And if life is a butterfly, and a butterfly has three main parts - two wings and a body - then that must confirm something. I don't know what it confirms, but it confirms something.

As the butterflies attacked, Pinkie thought up an idea. A wonderful idea. She grabbed the Exclamation Point.

"Hey, what are you doing?!" Exclaimed Exclaim.

She held it by the period.

"Wait, seriously, what are you doing?!" Exclaim Exclaimed.

She held it back.

"Seriously, stop!" Exclaim Exclaimed again.

And then, she swang.

"NOOO!" Exclaimed the Exclamation Point.

In a large blast, all the butterflies died. Every single one of them. They all fell in defeat, as they all faced the cruel irony of being the destroyers who are finally destroyed. All of them.

"You done did it." Said Some Guy.

"Yeah!" Exclaimed Exclamation.

"Yay!" Pinkie cheered. "Now that the butterflies are dead, butterfly land is no more."

So then they ended up in the abyss. A large, white void, filled with nothing but absolutely nothing. It can span for miles, for light years, for ever, it's limit being absolutely nothing. The plain whiteness of the absolutely-nothing-abyss was so white, that if stayed in for far too long, you could go insane. It is an asylum, the ultimate prison, made to cripple away even the most content and mentally healthy to insanity. Loneliness, complete isolation and solitude, boredom, complete lack of sound, and the total dull whiteness can scratch away every inch of your insanity. Not even those who became the most corrupt and commited the worst of sins would deserve this, for nothing is worse than complete nothing. This is what the Atheist see as death, this is what Christians see as what happens after you burn in hell.

As a writer, I experience loneliness everyday, even when I make friends. I live in a glass case, always able to speak to people through a speaker, and listen to others speak back through the other, but I can never get any physically closer to them than beyond the clear glass. As sad of a reality this is, I thank God everyday I don't suffer Pinkie and Some Guy's, for it is much, much worse.

Some often say that immortality is a curse, others say immortality is the gateway to infinite wisdom, I say it depends. Sure, seeing the people around you die would hurt, and seeing your special somepony turn from virgin, to mother, to grandmother, to great grandmother, and eventually ancaster, to her children's children and beyond, yet in a way it is beautiful, for you can see the turn of the endless seasons and the ever-growing changes of fashion and ethnicity, where one would have to have love chosen for them for ever-satisfaction, to when one would love for a time before leaving and beginning another to never-satisfaction.

But too see nothing happen, nothing change, nothing even move forever and ever without rest, would mean that immortality is a curse, for death is a mercy compared to eternal prison. But yet, if you were to suffer this prison with an individual, no matter how far apart and how much you hate one another, and even rather or not you both speak the same language, you will both eventually bond and synch, for any sort of company is better than absolutely nothing.

That is something I would rather endear, for it will give me the ability and opportunity to finally be close to someone at last. Someone who, in time, would lean on one me, rest with me, talk with me, love one with me.

But if there's a third wheel, then it gets awkward. So Pinkie and Some Guy decided to kill Exclamation Point.

"What?!" Exclaimed you-know-who, but it's too late because it's dead.

"So, wanna get out of here?" asked Pinkie.

"Sure." said Some Guy.

"Awesome!"

So now they are in Canterlot. [insert long description about cities and snobby ponies every fanfiction in Canterlot makes here] So, basically, Pinkie doesn't like this place. Because it is snubby.

So they decided to go to Neverland instead, only to decide that that place sucks too since it's basically the Abyss, so they tried California.

Eh?

Ponyville is fine, I guess.

Every fanfiction has to have Ponyville at some point in it.

So they ended up in Ponyville, the friendliest and smallest place ever, with a population of six ponies. All the other 'ponies' you see are just cardboard boxes recoloured and recycled, or plot devices for an episode.

"Hi Pinkie Pie!" said Pinkie Pie.

"Fun!" answered Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie cocked a gun and shot Pinkie in the face.

"Fun!" she said again in a psycho grin.

"No!" exclaimed... Some Guy.

"Fun!" Pinkie reasonably argued.

"She has a point." Twilight agreed.

"Okay." said Some Guy.

So they taught Pinkie every other word in the entire dictionary besides 'Fun', and it lead to...

"Amusing." said Pinkie Pie.

"This isn't working." said Some Guy.

"Pardon the straw remain you speaking around?" asked Pinkie.

"I figured a Treasure Spell would have worked." Twilight johned.

"Myself reason myself remain language fair well." Pinkie argued.

"Yeah, Darling, this isn't Darling enough, Darling." reasoned Rainbow Dash.

"Ya'll er a spekin founey." said Applejack.

"Energy homebased, background pony, you’re blotto."

"wat'r ya'll a tawkin about? Ah ahways spek lighke thieis, it's houw mah fans wright meh." Applejack objected.

"We need a Doctor." Twilight said with complete and total context and makes total since to suddenly say. Suddenly, there are woshy sounds in the background, and Zecora's head sudden slapped from how hard I just rhymed. Woshy sounds got louder and louder, until eventually, Fluttershy left the bathroom satisfied.

"I'm sorry for being so loud, I hope I didn't hurt anypony."

"Myself actually hatred this floor today."

"As I was saying, we need a doctor." Twilight continued.

"Medic who?"

"A doctor who doctrines all doctors who have a doctrine in doctoring."

"You mean..." Some Guy concluded.

"Yes... Professor Dr. Doc Doctor."

"But he has a Ed.D., Ph.D., S.T.D., Th.D., D.Ac., D.Acu., D.A.O.M., Dr.Ap., D.A.S., D.Arch., D.A., D.A.T., A.S.S., Au.D., D.B.H., D.B.Z., D.B.A., D.N.D., and a J.C.D."

"And if you order now, you can also get a 'You Tried' coffee mug free with your paid order!"

"So call now!"

"999-911-1963"

"That's 999--"

And then ads were blocked.

"Jeez, that was annoying." remarked Twilight.

But that was a big mistake. With the ads blocked, there can no longer be any money given from the companies of which is annoyingly advertised. And without money, is without life. And without life, is nothing.

"Dang it, not again!" exclaimed Pinkie.

"Pardon remains this home?" asked Pinkie.

"So, we're back here again." said Some Guy.

"Imma ganna slap tha man outta you!" cried AJ before she slapped the Man out of Some Guy.

"Ow!" cried Some Gal. "That hurts!"

"Soary" said AJ. "That was the last American thing I was gonna do, ay. Now I'm a Canadian, ay."

"Oh no." Said Some Gal.

"~Oh Canada... how sweet our syrup must be..."

Suddenly, syrup flooded everywhere. And with syrup, comes with flavor. And with flavor, comes with something. And with something, comes the ruining of nothing. Basically, Applejack just destroyed nothing.

"Well, that was a relief." said Some Guy.

"I fight for my friends." said Rainbow Dash. "DARLING!"

"What do we do now?" asked Twilight.

"Quite clearly, we need a new idea." said Some Guy. "Any ideas, Doug?"

Not one yet. Like, seriously, I'm just typing words at this point. I think I'm done now. Happy April Fools everyone.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"... you done now?"

Yep.

So, I got a new idea. And that idea involves pancakes.

"I am pancake!"

Yes you are, Twilight. So everyone enters the land of pancakes, where every pancake is a pancake. For if it weren't a pancake, then it would be a waffle. And waffles suck. They're like vacuum cleaners they suck so hard. In fact, everyone who eats a waffle, is basically eating a vacuum cleaner.

Pinkie Pie stopped mid-bit on her waffle as she realized what she had just eaten.

"Ah oh..."

Pinkie wanted to puke because she just eat a waffle, and waffles are terrible, but instead of rejecting food, she instead sucked food in. Including her friends. Her mouth began to expand as all the food in pancake land (which was mainly pancakes) began to get obsess with obsessing. Oh, so you thought this was going to turn to Pinkie eating all the food in the world of pancakes, hmmmm? Well, no, I prefer not to be predictable and do the expected, dear sir, instead of the food start to obsess with obsessing.

Obsessing is a poor foal who just turned 123,456,789 years old, an alicorn who had a blue coat and purple eyes. Obsessing Hobbies was an interesting foal, and it was no wonder that pancake land's food began to obsess with him, for every scientist and everypony in general was obsessed with this particular colt as well. The first thing to notice was, well, the fact that he was an alicorn. He was before some mean colt cut his wings off, but then they grew back.

Anyway, he was an alicorn to everypony's wonder, but another wonderfully strange thing about him was his cutie mark and name. His cutie mark had a picture of that filly he liked in elementary, and his name was Obsessing Hobbies. That means that, everyday, he chose a topic to fully obsess about. He even once obsessed with eternal life, and with his obsessive nature, actually mastered it and managed to live for 123,456,789 years.

But that is for another time.

Right now, Mr. Sparkleton is going to have a visit with Twilight.

Knock, knock

"Who's there?"

"Doctor."

"Not falling for it."

"Dang it." Mr. Sparkleton said before he finally entered.

"What do you want, Uncle Sparkleton?" Twilight asked with an unamused expression. It is not because of Mr. Sparkleton, oh no, but because a snail decided to take over her library. Just like that. Yep.

"Well, Ms. Princess Twilight Twinkle Sparkle, your Highness, I have a request."

"Yes, Uncle Sparkleton?"

"Give me your snail."

"Sure."

The snail snapped to attention. It couldn't be... if it was given to Mr. Sparkleton, it's life would be over. You see, the snail loved taking over libraries, because that stupid rabbit won't stop taking his things. The snail is a sophisticated snail. But it killed the rabbit and now it owns the library and the cottage. Angel Bunny moaned over that bunny. And then Angel was killed too.

Still, with it's bow tie straightened, it decided to have a talk with Mr. Sparkleton itself.

"Mr. Sparkleton" it said, "You suck." and with a poised bow, slithered away back to the library.

Mr. Sparkleton, knowing he was beat, gave a lowly sigh before turning to leave forever; the snail never in his hooves, the library taken away from Twilight's...

Now, about that 123,456,789 year old colt, he was in for a surprise.

"Hi, Obsessing Hobbies!" Pinkie chirped. "I'm Pinkiamena—"

And then a whale fell on top of her.

"What's up?" asked the whale with the most gnarly, deep, super-cool-pony voice.

"You." Pinkie replied.

"Opps, sorry bra." a rope pulled the Whale back up, before it was settled back on it's skate bored. "So, who's this gnarly dude?"

"Do you even know what 'gnarly' means, do you...?"

The Gnarly Whale only stared blankly. (awesomely, too)

"He's Obsessing Hobbies." Pinkie answered anyway. "I was just introducing myself before you literally squashed me.

"But I thought you were a gnarly peach, bra."

"No, I'm neither. I'm a cucumber." said Pinkie the Cucumber. "Now, where were we? Ah, yes, Obsessing Hobbies, have you sailed before?"

"Ah..."

"Too late!"

Quick as a bunny, Obsessing Hobbies was then kidnapped by a cucumber.

---[({x})]---

"So," said Sam, "How is this dinner?"

"I don't know Jam--"

"Sam."

"Ham. We're eating on the floor of an unwashed Subway with a Stormtrooper guarding the door. I'm not sure if we can even get out."

"I see," said ~~Jam~~ ~~Ham~~ Sam. "Well, let's get out I guess."

He gets up to leave, and the Storm Trooper says "Halt! You can't leave here!" He shots. Again. And again.

Sam and his coltfriend leave without a scratch.

"So," said Sam to the tan-pony, "Looks like we can explore the galaxy together."

"Yep," replied the pony, "I'll hope it's a good one."

---[({x})]---
more coming soon...

Author's Note

An Author's note? I never heard of such a contraption. What does it do? Is it the original King of Britain's own originally made musical note? Is it a nostalgic childhood show trying to be noticed? Is it a Thor reading his notes? Is it a place where I ask for any corrections on my grammar? No, it is not, for I can proofread my own stuff, thank you very much...
okay, maybe I do want some feedback. Please gimme.