Cutie Mark Jihadis

by kalash93

Rating: teen
Tags: Gore, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 1874

Spreading the word of Allah, exactly the way Mohammed DIDN'T intend. For April Fools' 2017 by a Muslim

The Cutie Mark Crusaders one day find a mysterious book called a "Core-Ann", attached is a note from somepony named "ISIS". Allahu akbar ensues.

For April Fools' day 2017
P.S.: I'm Muslim

Published 2017-04-02 02:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-04-02 02:00:01 UTC

Takbir

"Allahu akbar!" Scootaloo shouted at the top of her lungs. This drew the other two CMC's, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Bell, into the clubhouse. Somewhere, something exploded randomly.

"Hey, Scoots, what's up?" asked Sweetie concernedly. Apple Bloom nodded in agreement.

"Salam walleykum," greeted Scootaloo. "I just found the most amazing book called the Core-Ann." She gestured with her hoof to where a book lay on the floorboards.

"Oh, neat, what's it about?"

Scootaloo lifted up one hand and put on an accent, a keffiyeh and ekal spontaneously appearing on her head. "That there is no god but Allah, subhannah wa tallah! And that his prophet is Mohammed, sallā llāhu ʿalay-hi wa-sallam. It even has appendicies with history lessons, about places named Mecca, Madina, Yathrib, Arabia, Khyber, Israel, Egypt, whatever those are. And it mentions people like Isa, Harun, Salman, Ali, Omar, Khadija, Abu Jahl, and more."

:What does that even mean?

Scootaloo drew a saif sword from nowhere, declaring, "It means we must wake war upon the kufar, fisabillah! That is if you're Muslims. You are Muslims, right?"

A bit afraid, Apple Bloom spoke up. "Sure, we're Muslims."

"Awesome. Take these," Scootaloo instructed, growing a beard and revealing three AK-47's.

Apple Bloom asked, "What are these?"

"Jihad sticks," said Scootaloo picking one up. When I pull this thing, it makes a boom and a hole appears in something. See, it's got a little hole at the end. She showed them the muzzle, keeping a hoof on the trigger, because she is a clueless halfwit who knows jack all about firearms like a real horse. "So, who wants to go spread some salam?"

"Um, Scootaloo, how about we learn about the Muslim thing first?"

"OOH!" Sweetie squeaked, "And I'll go make turbans from Rarity's fabric stores!"

The three brought their hooves together. "Cutie Mark Crusaders Jihadis, go!"

They reconvened the next day at the crack of dawn, too eager to wait. As promised, Sweetie Bell had returned with three turbans: one white, one black, and one green. As they met, a haunting cry came from the town. "Allaaaaaaaaaaahu akbaaaaaaaar! Allaaaaaaahu akbaaaaaar! Alllaaaaaaahuuu akbaaaar! Allaaahu akbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrr! Ashhhhhaaaaaaaaaduuuu la iiiiilllllllllllaaaaaaaahh Ashaaaduuuu la illlaaaaah haaaa iiiiiil Alllaaaaaaah. Mohaaaammmmmmmmeeeeed wa rassuuuuul illllaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh. Haaaaayyaaaas saaalaaaat. Haayyyyaaaaaass salat. Hayyyyah alllaaaaaaalll-falah. Hayyaaaaaaaah aaaalllllllaaaaaaaaahhh-fffaaaalaaaaah. Aaaas-saaaalaaaaaatuuuu khayrun miiiiiiiinnnnaaaaan-nnaaaaawwwwwwwmmm. Aasssssssssss ssaallllllaaaaaty khaaaaayyyrunnnnnn mmmmmiiiinaaaaaaaan naaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwm. Alllllaaaaaaahuuuu akbar! Alllaaaaaaahuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu akbaaaar! Laaa illaaaah ha iiiiiiiill alllaaaaaah!"

"What was that?" Scootaloo asked.

"No idea," replied Apple Bloom, tying on her green turban. "Whatever it was, it sure was pretty."

"So, are we ready to earn our jihad cutie marks?" the orange one asked.

"Sure!" her compatriot mufsideen declared in unison as they readied for their muharibah.

Scootaloo raised her Kalashnikov and Quran high. "Allahu akbar! Quran 16:91!" Something else exploded.

"16:91!" Apple Bloom and Scootaloo recited, waiving their assault rifles high in imitation of her.

"7:57!"

"7:57!"

"2:208!"

"2:208!"

"2:256!"

"2:256!

"110:3!"

"110:3!"

"77:45!"

"77:45!"

Then Scootaloo yelled, "2:190, 5:87, 8:61, 17;33, 16:125, and Allah akbar!" KABOOM!

"Allahu akbar!" BOOOOOMM!!! The other two Jihadis cheered, beards spontaneously appearing on them as explosions rocked the clubhouse.

"Bismilllah, al Rahman, al Rahim!" And with that, Scootaloo led the charge to go collect their ithm. Because they had not understood a single thing they'd just said at all whatsoever in the least.

The trio made their way down to a street corner. There, Scootaloo stood on the corner holding a sign that said, "Ask me about Islam." Sure enough, before long, they had their first taker. Rainbow Dash landed in a puff of dust in front of them.

"Hey, Squirt," Rainbow said amicably. "Why are you dressed like that, and how'd you grow a beard?"

"Salam, I'm Muslim," Scootaloo answered brightly.

Rainbow Dash pawed a hoof at the ground inquisitively. The colorfully maned pegasus mare had a brief look of faint understanding on her face before she opened her mouth to ask, "What's that?"

"You don't know what Islam is?" Scootaloo grew somehow grave and enthusiastic at the same time.

Rainbow Dash laughed, "I know about Islam, Squirt. I just don't know how you know."

"Oh, that's easy," Scootaloo smiled, resembling her cute self again instead of a scowly, orange coconut with a dead cat glued to its face. "This pony named ISIS gave us this book called a Core-Ann, and it had all these things inside it that told us all about Islam. And now we're asking ponies if they want to convert to give them a chance before we have to kill all the kafirs."

Rainbow Dash sighed. "No, Squirt, you can't just killed ponies for not being Muslim."

"Well why not?"

"Because they aren't cattle. You see, you're supposed to kill calf ears."

Wide-eyed realization swept over all the CMJ's. "Oooohhhhhh..."

With that, Scootaloo dropped the sign and turned to her friends. "C'mon, girls, let's go kill some calf ears!"

"Yeah!" the other two clamored.

"Cutie Mark Jihadis, go! Allahu akbar!" Suddenly, Twilight's library exploded for no reason.

It took a while, but they all made it to Sweet Apple Acres where Applejack kept the cattle. "HI, girls," one of the cows said.

"Salam walleykum," chirped back the Cutie Mark Jihadis.

The cow's eyes lit up. "Walleykum salam! I didn't know you girls were Muslims!"

"Yup, we sure are," said Apple Bloom.

"What are you doing today?" the cow asked pleasantly as she chewed on some cud.

"Nuthin'," said Apple Bloom, with a saif spontaneously appearing in her hooves. "Just gonna kill you is all."

"WHAT!?"

"Because ya'll'r calf ears."

Horror showed in the bovine's face. "What!? We aren't kafirs! We're all Muslims. Ashadu la illah ha il allah, wa Ali waliyun illah."

Sweetie Belle sighed, "That's what a calf ear would say."

"Uh-huh," agreed the other two.

Scootaloo stepped forward into the enclosure. "Allahu akbar!" she declared, raising her sword high.

"Audhubillah!" the cows answered, shying away but trapped in their pen. And thus they declared after every sword stroke, as they were slain one by one, their hot blood coating their murderers, who, in turn, declared every kill in the name of Allah, the Merciful, the Compassionate. And so they murdered the whole lot of shahids until the blood spilled out from the pen and soaked into the ground, staining their sin into the soil.

Just as they had sheathed their swords, declaring "Subhanallah! Alhamduillah! Cutie Mark Jihadis Mujahedeen!", Rainbow Dash arrived in a pant.

"Rainbow Dash!" Scootaloo lit up, "We killed all the calf ears!"

"Shit," cursed the pegasus. "I was about to tell you that you can't just kill because you feel like it." With that, she displayed a Quran and read aloud, "Whoever takes one innocent life, it is as if he has murdered the whole world. And if he saves a life, it is as if he has saved the whole world."

Scootaloo glanced at the page, glanced at the slaughtered cows, and then glanced back at the book. She touched it with her hoof, smudging blood on it. She looked down. Under her breath, she muttered, "Allahu akbar."

They all exploded.

Author's Note

This is the most nerve wracking story I've ever written. I'm not apologizing. Some things need to be said. Some things need to be mocked.

P.S.: I am an actual Muslim, so if you would like to ask about the religion, please be unafraid.

Explanation of terms and citations:

Takbir = Allah akbar
Allah akbar = Allah is great.
Salam walleykum / Walleykum salam = Peace be upon you -- a greeting.
Subhannah wa tallah = Praise be upon him.
sallā llāhu ʿalay-hi wa-sallam = Peace be upon him
Mecca = Mecca -- holiest city in Islam
Madina = Medina, the city of the prophet Mohammed
Yathrib = Medina
Isa = Jesus
Harun = Aaron
Salman = Solomon
Ali = Ali ibn Talib, Mohammad's son in law, 4'th caliph, and the 1'st imam.
Omar =2'nd caliph of Islam
Khadija = Mohammed's first wife
Abu Jahl = Mohammad's uncle who opposed his religious mission "Father of Ignorance".
Saif = Arabian sword
Salam = Peace

Allaaaaaaaaaaahu akbaaaaaaaar! Allaaaaaaahu akbaaaaaar! Alllaaaaaaahuuu akbaaaar! Allaaahu akbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrr! Ashhhhhaaaaaaaaaduuuu la iiiiilllllllllllaaaaaaaahh Ashaaaduuuu la illlaaaaah haaaa iiiiiil Alllaaaaaaah. Mohaaaammmmmmmmeeeeed wa rassuuuuul illllaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh. Haaaaayyaaaas saaalaaaat. Haayyyyaaaaaass salat. Hayyyyah alllaaaaaaalll-falah. Hayyaaaaaaaah aaaalllllllaaaaaaaaahhh-fffaaaalaaaaah. Aaaas-saaaalaaaaaatuuuu khayrun miiiiiiiinnnnaaaaan-nnaaaaawwwwwwwmmm. Aasssssssssss ssaallllllaaaaaty khaaaaayyyrunnnnnn mmmmmiiiinaaaaaaaan naaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwm. Alllllaaaaaaahuuuu akbar! Alllaaaaaaahuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu akbaaaar! Laaa illaaaah ha iiiiiiiill alllaaaaaah!

^= The call to prayer, specificially done the Sunni way for Fajr, the morning prayer taken at dawn. "God is great. God is great. God is great. God is great. I testify there is no god but God. I testify there is no god but God. And Mohammed is the messenger of God. And Mohammed is the messenger of God. Come to prayer. Come to prayer. Come to success. Come to success. Prayer is better than sleep. Prayer is better than sleep. God is great. God is great. There is no god but God.

Mufsideen = unlaw combatants, essentially murderers and brigands.
Muharibah = war against God.

16:91 "Indeed, Allah enjoins justice, and the doing of good to others; and giving like kindred; and forbids indecency, and manifest evil, and wrongful transgression. He admonished you that you may take heed."

7:57 "And create not disorder in the earth after it has been set in order, and call upon Him in fear and hope. Surely, the mercy of Allah is nigh unto those who do good. "

2:208 “O You who believe! Enter absolutely into peace (Islam). Do not follow in the footsteps of Satan. He is an outright enemy to you.”

2:256 "There is no compulsion in religion as truth stands out clear from error”

110:3 "Then exalt [Him] with praise of your Lord and ask forgiveness of Him. Indeed, He is ever Accepting of repentance."

77:45 "Thus surely do We reward those who do good."

2:190 "Fight in the way of Allah those who fight you but do not transgress. Indeed. Allah does not like transgressors."

5:87 "O you who have believed, do not prohibit the good things which Allah has made lawful to you and do not transgress. Indeed, Allah does not like transgressors."

8:61 "And if they incline to peace, then incline to it [also] and rely upon Allah . Indeed, it is He who is the Hearing, the Knowing."

17:33 "And do not kill the soul which Allah has forbidden, except by right. And whoever is killed unjustly - We have given his heir authority, but let him not exceed limits in [the matter of] taking life. Indeed, he has been supported [by the law]."

16:125 "Invite to the way of your Lord with wisdom and good instruction, and argue with them in a way that is best. Indeed, your Lord is most knowing of who has strayed from His way, and He is most knowing of who is [rightly] guided."

Bismillah, al Rahman, al Rahim = In the name of Allah, the Merciful, the Compassionate
Ithm = sin
Kafir = Rejector/Disbeliever
Ashadu la illah ha il allah, wa Ali waliyun illah: I testify there is no god but God, and Ali is the friend of God.
Audhubillah = I seek refuge in Allah.
Shahid = Martyr
Subhanallah = Praise Allah
Alhumduillah = Glory to Allah

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