Bug Pony Horse Waifu

Chapters

1. Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures
2. Oh, the Equinity!
3. ...and They Lived Ha—
Epilogue

1. Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures

Edited by TuxOKC.

It was a stark, round stone room, with a high domed ceiling. Seven great columns, carved with runes infused with powerful containment magic, supported the massive structure. The columns stretched up two hundred feet. Galleries had been built into them, encircling between them and the inner walls, with three rows of stone seats. The first level was at twenty feet, with others every ten for five stories. Two thousand ponies could fill them. At the moment, it was empty, save for a few select observers. All eyes were focused at the center of the floor, upon a raised dais. A single column of light bathed the center of the floor from the center of the dome high above. A figure, loathed and feared was chained to the dais.

A pair of thrones —one bearing the mark of the sun, the other of the crescent moon— were at ground floor facing the dais. They were opposite from a pair of massive enchanted doors hewn from the same oak tree and inlaid with silver. Two of the most powerful and most ancient of beings known to Equines sat upon those thrones, to pass judgement. They were the Princesses Celestia and Luna, alicorns and the Diarchy of Equestria.

On either side of them in smaller chairs sat two more alicorns, also princesses. On Celestia’s side was Twilight Sparkle, a former student of the alabaster alicorn. Next to Luna sat the Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, or just Cadence. Next to Twilight sat a unicorn with a light purple coat and sporting a darker mane with an aquamarine streak through it. Her name was Starlight Glimmer and it was she who was responsible for the chained figure that was glowering in spite. Next to Starlight sat yet another figure, one who was perhaps the most uncomfortable individual in the building, the former changeling Thorax.

Princess Celestia and her sister Princess Luna were both contemplating the prisoner. A hard decision was to be made. A most important one, for before them, hissing under her breath and fighting the nullifying ring set upon her crooked horn was none other than Chrysalis, former Queen of the Changelings. She had once been the greatest threat to Equestria, having come close to bringing the great nation to its knees. Chrysalis had once turned Twilight’s friends against her, posing as Cadence, and had even defeated Celestia in combat.

Yet here she was, without her changelings, without her kingdom, and without her crown.

“Mmrph!” she growled, or tried to say, if not for the muzzle clamping her mouth shut. It was very uncomfortable. “Argh ragh rmmph!” Chrysalis went on in a garbled snarl followed by a spiteful hiss. Her eyes locked onto Starlight Glimmer. “Grrrrmph!”

“What did she say?” asked Luna, tilting her head to one side.

“I think she said the sheriff is near,” replied Celestia, blinking her eyes as she studied the fallen changeling queen. Was that amusement in her tone?

“Petty revenge speech,” Twilight offered, without looking up from a book she was reading. ‘Astrophysics for Geniuses’ was the title. Beneath the title and in smaller print were the words ‘Your IQ must be over 180 to read this book!’. The back of the book had a picture of Stephen Hawking. “Typical one dimensional villain talk.”

Chrysalis appeared hurt by the purple alicorn’s words. “Hunguh?”

“Yes, you are,” answered the intellectual alicorn without bothering to look up from her reading.

“Hunguh!” protested the changeling.

“Mom,” Thorax began, stepping forward and looking sad. “Mom, this is probably going to be your only chance at redemption. You can’t throw it away! Don’t you want to be like me, like my brothers and sisters, your children?”

Chrysalis reared back, her ears plastered against her skull as an expression of Ultimate Horror tore across her visage. She shook her head in wild motions, making panicked bug horse noises. The horrified changeling buzzed her wings, trying to fly away, but the chains held her fast. Her legs were hobbled by a pair of Clubs, meant for automobile steering wheels. One set kept her front legs locked while another did the same for her back legs. Curse those holes up and down the lengths of her legs!

“Thorax,” Starlight said, standing next to her friend, “she won’t change. Some ponies,” —Chrysalis landed with a heavy thud and snarled as loud as she could at the unicorn— “just won’t accept they need to change for the better. It could be for any reason. I’m sorry.”

Thorax sighed, his gummy body heaving with his great breath. Hanging his head, he stepped back, buzzing his wings. He snorted through his Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer nose. “Maybe you’re right, Starlight, but I can’t help but hold some hope for her. She is still my mother and I love her, even if she is a vile and evil monster.”

Chrysalis harrumphed about as much as her muzzled mouth would allow. Rolling her eyes, she assumed a sitting position and stared up at the first level gallery. Twilight’s friends were all sitting up there, having popcorn and drinks. They were having a grand old time. Even Discord was up there, though he was wearing an odd red and black outfit covering from the top of his draconequus head to the tip of his draconequus tail. He had been the judge, sitting and listening, or so Chrysalis had been assured multiple times by the Lord of Chaos. Discord had spent much of the past three days attacking a coloring book with a dazzling assortment of crayons. His creations had been spilling off the pages, dashing out the doors and openings to do whatever it was living crayon creations did when unleashed upon the mortal world.

At least he wasn’t in that floating chair again.

Princess Mi Amore Cadenza cleared her throat, garnering the former queen’s attention.

Chrysalis hissed at her.

“I’m so glad to see our relationship hasn’t changed,” quipped Cadence with a smile. She wished Flurry Heart was here, to see what happens to vile, evil things. Her adorableness might have cured the changeling mare, at least to the point of making her more pliable. “However, after much discussion behind closed doors involving a hookah, we princesses have come to a consensus. For the past three days, Chrysalis, you have been brought here to listen to our deliberations, to hear the arguments both for and against you. The crimes you have committed are many and all of them heinous. As your accuser, I have pushed hard to see that you get what’s coming to you!”

“Objection!” cried Discord, leaning over the stone railing in the gallery up above. “Not enough helium!” He blinked from existence, only to appear next to Cadence. A large cylinder with hoses coming from it was tucked under his arm. At the end of the hoses were plastic breathing masks. He picked one up and put it over the alicorn’s muzzle. “Breathe deeply!”

Cadence protested, finding herself inhaling even as Discord turned the knob at the top of the cylinder. Once he was satisfied, he pulled away the mask and gave himself a dose of the gas. He pulled it away, grinning at Chrysalis, then at the other alicorns. “See? So much better!” he squeaked, his voice much, much higher now. “This is how you take court seriously!”

Cadence was not amused.

Chrysalis stared, ready to pull her mane out at its roots because of Discord’s antics. It never ceased! Yesterday, there had been a pie fight and every soul in the room used her as target practice! The day before that, he had little orange and white versions of himself dancing around the dais, singing something about ‘Oompa oompa, oompity-doo’, or something like that. Her hatred and fear of the draconequus grew with each passing day.

Discord had insisted on presiding, as he was the only party of immortals not affected by Chrysalis, though the changeling had taken Fluttershy. He held It against Chrysalis, though he swore on his title as Lord of Chaos he would not hold it against her. It was, of course, a walking hairball four feet tall Discord called his cousin. Its long fur itched when Discord pressed Cousin It against the former queen’s cheek.

“He’s adorable!” Discord had assured her, “and housebroken!”

For the past three days, Discord had held It against Chrysalis. It smelled bad.

“Discord!” Cadence wheezed, her voice so high pitched and full of high outrage, “This is serious! You haven’t taken any of this seriously!” She turned to him, flapping her wings and stamping a hoof in protest.

“Oh, but I have!” proclaimed the Chaosbringer. He offered the mask to Celestia and Luna. “Helium?” he offered with a hopeful smile.

“No thanks, we’re full,” the princesses said in one voice.

“We do need to get this wrapped up,” Celestia told him. “We do have a country to run and I fear Blueblood might start a revolt if we leave him in charge for much longer.”

“Indeed,” agreed her sister as she adjusted her tiara with a hoof. “I am reading complaints in regards to your nephew.” Luna pulled up a manilla envelope from behind her throne and leafed through it with her magic. Clucking her tongue, she put it away, arched a brow at her sister, and gave Celestia a sympathetic smile.

“How charming,” the elder sister said. She turned her attention to Chrysalis. “As much as we would like to delve more into the details of the crimes against you, Queen of the Changelings, there are things that require our attention than cannot be left unattended for much longer.”

“Like cake?” Luna suggested with a smirk.

“Or moonpies,” countered Celestia.

“Pax?”

“Pax.”

They shook hooves.

Chrysalis huffed. “Urgh hrm on!” Her eyes blazed with unmitigated rage.

“After much deliberation,” Cadence declared in her helium-infused voice, “I think I have a solution. However, before I bring forth my suggestion and present it to the present parties, I do believe I want to point out the one thing that might have driven Chrysalis down the path she inevitably chose for herself and her family.”

“I agree with Princess Chipmunk,” Discord said as he swiveled in his floating chair. Taking another pull of helium from the tank, he beckoned for Cadence to continue. “Let us hear this point. I hope it is not dull!”

Cadence smiled. It was a tired smile, one borne from the antics of dealing with the likes of Discord. In retrospect, it really was not all that much different from raising Flurry Heart, though she was far more adorable than the chaotic creature. “Thank you,” she squeaked. “There has been one glaring thing about Chrysalis that has never been addressed. Dare I say it has even been ignored? Such stress in her life no doubt aided in her making the wrong choices. A single mother, raising thousands, alone and without the benefit of any aid from the local community.”

Twilight looked up for a brief moment, “She sucked her neighbors dry.” She went back to her book. “It’s all on file.”

“True,” Cadence allowed with a nod. “Very true. But I think it also points at the core of the problem. Chrysalis,” —she gestured at the angry changeling— “is a single mother. She has never known a stable home. My proposal would be on a trial basis, with weekly observation, with the intent on developing her ability to spend time and cohabitate with another adult.”

Celestia perked her ears forward, one brow rising in a perfect arc. “Are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?”

“Cadence, your voice sounds ridiculous!” Luna noted with a straight face.

“Isn’t it charming?” Discord gushed.

Chrysalis let out a long-suffering sigh. “Khgg meh,” she said.

Celestia waved a hoof. “Everypony, please let us stick to the matter at hoof. Cadence, do tell what you have in mind. Does the defense object?”

Twilight shook her head, pausing from her reading long enough to mutter, “Nope.” Stephen Hawking’s words beckoned, and like a well educated moth drawn to an intellectual flame, she dove right back into her reading.

Celestia stared at her former pupil and sighed, “Why am I not surprised?”

Cadence’s voice cut through the echoes of Twilight’s single word reply. “Chrysalis needs a stallion in her life, one that will put up with her, well, everything.” She was shaking a hoof at the bound changeling as she spoke. Flicking her tail, she began to walk slowly around the changeling, as if looking at her with fresh eyes.

Chrysalis narrowed her eyes hard at the alicorn, having a difficult time. Chains were not noted for their ease of movement for those who were adorned with them. Something of a mix between a growl and a hiss followed after Cadence, the fallen queen’s tail lashing in anger. She was shaking her head slowly, convinced the pink alicorn was suggesting the unthinkable.

“Temper, temper,” Discord warned, wagging his lion’s paw at the changeling. His eagle claw drummed on the armrest of his overstuffed floating chair. “I think Lovebutt is on to something here!” he chortled. “Do continue! This is sounding like music to my ears!” A small Mariachi band of little Discords were marching around his head, going in and out of his ears.

“Mmmrgh!” Chrysalis screamed. Her eyes had gone round and flashed in her rage. The chains rattled and the suppression ring around the base of her horn sparked. Her wings buzzed, reckless and wild, yet her restraints held fast.

“I know,” Discord said in a conversational tone. “The two of us are the only ones in character, aren’t we?” His yellow and red eyes danced with insane mischief. “I wonder what sort of mad, crazy, wonderful things are going to happen! I wonder what Cadence is going to suggest for your punishment! I think I know. I think you know. I think everypony here knows! All that remains to be spoken is the suggestion itself. Drumroll, please!”

He snapped his fingers and had a snare drum on his lap. It had its own drumsticks that began to roll at the command of his will.

“Discord,” Cadence sighed.

“The suspense! The anticipation! I wish to judge! The apple pie, the key lime pie, or the American pie? I didn’t drive my Chevy to the levy for nothing!” Discord spun in the air on his chair, cackling with glee.

Princess Mi Amore Cadenza drew herself up to her full height, staring at Chrysalis with a critical eye. She took in a deep breath, then swung her gaze to her adoptive aunts, Celestia and Luna. Her eyes fell upon and lingered for a moment on Twilight, before shifting to Starlight Glimmer and Thorax. Then, her eyes returned to Chrysalis, settling upon her bound form, lips set in a straight and thin line.

“You need a husband,” she told the fallen queen.

Chrysalis’ eyes bugged from their sockets. “Mrumph??”

The alicorn turned her head and craned to look up at Discord, who was hovering nearby and leaning to the side of his chair and towards her. His chair was tilting towards her, listing more and more until it was at a ninety degree angle to the ground.

“What?” Discord asked with keen intelligence.

“Good luck with that,” Twilight said without looking up from her reading. “I don’t think a blind, deaf, and dumb idiot would want to shack up with that old hag.”

Her comment outraged the queen, for some reason.

“I mean, just look at her; she selfish, rude, has this sense of self entitlement. She’s a waste of a stallion’s efforts, Cadence. Just turn her to stone or throw her into Tartarus, or something.” She looked up and smiled at Luna. “Thanks for getting me this book, Luna! This Hawking person is remarkably intelligent!”

“You are most welcome, Twilight,” Luna smiled back at her.

Chrysalis by now was frothing at the mouth as she began struggling at her bonds, her eyes having rolled murderous red as they honed in on the indifferent bookworm princess. Veins were pulsing along her forehead.

“I assume you have plan, O Princess of Love?” inquired the draconequus, curious as his attention shifted between Cadence and the raging changeling. His attention was more on the lovely rage on display for all to see.

“I do.” Cadence smiled, looking to her peers. They all (except for Twilight) nodded, offering smiles of encouragement. Confident in her plan, she magicked a list to appear in front of her. “I have a list of potential candidates. Their names were carefully chosen. This is a most important project and it is one I have decided needs to be taken seriously. I have discussed it extensively with my fellow princesses and we have all agreed this the best road of reformation for Chrysalis.”

She turned to Chrysalis, who was hissing and spitting like a wet cat. A very large, very dangerous, and darn near immobile wet cat. “I am going to get you married, Chrysalis. I am going to find you a husband if it’s the last thing I do. I am going to find you a husband even if it kills you!”

“Whaggh?” shrieked Chrysalis. “Agh dun waggah hubbad!”

“What did she say?” Luna asked Celestia.

“She just said she thought this was a wonderful idea and can’t wait to avoid a life as a stone monument to idiocy in my Royal Garden.”

“You mean ‘our’ Royal Garden, yes?”

“Of course, Lulu.”

“Pax?”

“Pax.”

The two sisters shook hooves.

Starlight Glimmer was confused. “I thought this was a trial to judge and sentence one of the worst villains in Equestrian history,” she said, making owlish eyes.

“It is, my apprentice,” Twilight assured her. She turned a page, humming as she indulged herself. “As princesses, it is our job to make sure the best harmony is used and that every villain, no matter how old, vile, and no matter how all used up, should be given a chance at redemption. This was a desperate act after two all nighters and four dozen pots of coffee. Three seasons ago, I would have wigged out and made this into another Want-It-Need-It debacle.” She licked her hoof and turned another page. “I’d like to think I am a much wiser mare, now. Top minds were in on making this decision, Star.”

“But—”

“Top. Minds.”

Thorax was sitting on his haunches, lost in thought. “Does this mean…?”

Starlight looked at her friend. “What is it, Thorax? Are you all right?”

“Oh, I’m fine!” His gummy eyes lifted and went to his hole-y mother. “If Mom gets married, then that means I get to have a dad!”

“I suppose that’s one way to look at it,” the unicorn conceded, smiling at Thorax. It seemed a bit forced.

Discord had been considering the proposal, having taken the list Cadence had brought in and examining it closely. His eyes popped out of their sockets and waltzed over the parchment. After several moments of wandering over the names on the list, they popped back into his skull. “I like it,” he declared with manic glee. “This has my Stamp of Approval! I shall declare this Bug Pony Horse Waifu train-wreck-to-be officially on track!”

The Diarchy of Equestria that were the Princesses Celestia and Luna, both considered Discord’s words before looking to each other. They nodded, turned their heads to the draconequus, and cried, “Make it so!”

Everypony ignored the shriek of protest from Chrysalis. Only the Clubs through the holes in her legs prevented her from pulling her mane out in frustration at this point.

Author's Note

This going to be short, three chapters long when the dust settles.

And no, I am not sorry.

2. Oh, the Equinity!

Edited by TuxOKC.

“I had a spot picked out for her in the garden,” Celestia told Cadence at the dinner table that night. Pizza had been served, hot and fresh pies were sliced and doled out among the diners. The white alicorn was grubbing on a cheese and broccoli pizza with Hoovian cherries. She chewed and swallowed, took a sip of her cherry cola, and added, “She was going to make a fine planter. Her horn would have made a wonderful perch for Philomena.”

“Auntie,” Cadence chided between mouthfuls of pepperoni and mushrooms, “Chrysalis is a lonely mare. Lonely mares do desperate things when they feel they’re not loved. Or in this case, lonely horse flies.”

“So you do still hold a grudge against her,” observed Luna. She had hoarded the all meat pizza pie for herself and growled at anypony who even glanced at her pizza. “I can understand that. Let the hate flow through you. Give in to your—”

“Lulu, we’ve talked about this before,” warned Celestia as she dabbed the corners of her mouth with a napkin. “Keep your Nightmare to yourself. Save it for Nightmare Night. How can you handle all of that meat?”

“Lots of practice. You always start with a little at a time and just keep increasing the amount you put in as one goes,” Luna licked her lips. “I still need an apprentice,” griped the younger of the two alicorns. She tore into the next slice of pie and chewed in a manner not at all suitable for a mare that was a supposed paragon of beauty and manners.

“So get one!” Celestia took another bite. “Don’t let me stand in your way. Cadence, I know what you want to do and I appreciate that you have the well-being of one who has done you harm in mind, but even my patience has limits.” She smiled a strained smile.

“Oh, I refuse to let you just turn her into an ornament, Auntie. That’s too good for her.” Cadence sat back in her seat and contemplated her drink. It was a Shirley Temple. “Tartarus would be a vacation for what I have planned. Marriage is work! Marriage is dedication! Marriage is about compromise and as Faust is my witness, Chrysalis will know the meaning of compromise! She will learn what it means to tell her stallion to keep the toilet seat down when he’s done using it!”

“Dear Niece, your eyes are on fire again,” noted Luna.

Cadence ignored the jab and continued eating. After a few minutes of silence (save for the sounds of chewing), Celestia spoke again. “This list. I have not yet seen it. I assume you have chosen potential mates for Chrysalis to choose from?”

The pink alicorn nodded. “Would you like to see it?”

“If you don’t mind.”

Cadence smiled and produced the very same list Discord had seen earlier that day. She floated it over to Celestia, who took it in her own magical aura. As she unfurled and began reading it, Luna spoke up.

“Why not confine Chrysalis to Tartarus? If it is good enough for the likes of Tirek, why then is it not good enough for that creature?”

Cadence made a face. “All right. You put away the mother of a few thousand recently redeemed changed ‘lings and see how they respect you after that. They want their mother to be with them and they’ve been looking to me to set her right,” she explained, becoming a touch more frazzled as she spoke. “Thorax has been a pain in my flank about it. He’s been using Starlight Glimmer’s turnaround as his argument for not giving up on Chrysalis. And Starlight may or may not have been responsible for the utter destruction of several different timelines!”

“I might have dropped the ball on that one,” Celestia admitted, motioning for a serving maid to bring over the brandy.

“You’ve dropped a lot of balls, sister,” grinned Luna.

“I had to handle yours for a thousand years, sister,” Celestia said as she poured herself a glass.

“Pax?”

“Pax. Brandy?”

“Brandy.” Celestia poured her sister a glass and floated it over. Both sisters clinked their glasses and downed their brandies in one gulp. The white alicorn went back to the list, reading it with the practiced eye of one who poured over treaties with the voracity of a hawkish lawyer.

“Cadence,” she said with a frown. “My dear niece, this must be some sort of joke. I mean, are you serious about what you have on this list?”

The former foalsitter nodded even as she helped herself to another slice of pizza. “I am.”

“These names. They are not Equestrian names.”

“No, they are not,” admitted Cadence with a mouthful of food. “Twilight, have you eaten anything yet?” She looked across the table. Twilight was still reading the same book with only her ears and top of her horn visible. “Twilight, reading at the dinner table is rude.”

“It’s a good book,” insisted the purple pony princess. “The theories and facts presented are fascinating! The arguments are sound and not full of crackpot declarations and assumptions.”

Cadence frowned. “Luna, why did you get her that book?”

“It was sent to me by my book-of-the-month club,” Luna defended herself, splaying her ears out. She adjusted her wings and squinted at her niece. “Wasn’t it your idea that I should join a club and mingle with other ponies who shared common interests as I?”

“Well, yes,” Cadence plucked the book from Twilight’s face and set it on the table next to her plate. She waved off the vocal protest of her sister-in-law, “but you shouldn’t give her books that are going to challenge her intellect. She shuts out the world around her when she has a book like that.”

Celestia spoke up, “These are names not of our world.” She held the list aloft, the words facing Cadence as if it seemed the pink alicorn had never read them before.

“Love knows no dimensional divides,” said Cadence. “The idea is to get Chrysalis in an environment where she can grow as an individual and cultivate any redeeming qualities she might have. I’ve also listed some places associated with the names as possible places she can be placed while experiencing the wonders of wifehood.”

“You mean addresses.”

Cadence nodded a ‘well, duh’, nod.

“Humans?” Twilight hypothesized in the form of a query. “Been to that world. Kinda nice, kinda not nice. There’s no magic there. At least, no magic that originates from that world.”

“Exactly,” beamed Cadence.

“Ooooh,” came the collective realization of the other alicorns at the table.

“Why send her there?” asked Celestia as she hoofed the list back to her niece.

“There, she won’t have her magic demanding she need love to survive. The Dazzlings, if I read Twilight’s report correctly, only needed negative emotions to fuel their magic so they could return to Equestria. That was their goal, after all. They lived for thousands of years on that world surviving off normal food like the rest of the dominant species living there.” Cadence carefully folded up the list and tucked it away. “It’s more of an experiment and I honestly don’t know if it’ll work.”

“Then why try it?” Luna asked, arching both her brows in confusion. “Have you considered the possible dangers Chrysalis might pose to her potential husband?”

“She’ll be linked to her husband-to-be to prevent any black widow shenanigans,” Celestia said, recalling some of the details of the past three days. “I think you were dozing when we were discussing some of the finer details.”

“I’ll need to go over my notes,” Luna muttered with a sigh.

“You can borrow mine if you need to,” offered Twilight. She was trying with some discretion to steal back her book with telekinesis. Cadence resisted before reaching over with a hoof and flicking the younger alicorn’s horn with it. “Hey!”

“I might take you up on that offer, Twilight,” Luna said. “Ah, did anypony remember to put Chrysalis in her cell?”

“Don’t worry about it. She is in her cell.” Cadence helped herself to more pizza. “She’s currently going over her choices. I think it’s nice to let her have some say in her future, so long as she chooses a husband.”

Celestia cleared her throat. “What if she decides one of the other two options?”

“Not going to happen,” Cadence smiled. It was an evil smile that would have made Chrysalis proud. She slapped a purple hoof snaking its way across the table and towards the book. Twilight yelped and withdrew her advance. “Nope. Not gonna.”

Chrysalis fumed. She had been doing that a lot as of late. Ever since she had lost her hive, her amazing throne, and all of her changelings, life had been crap. Watching her children turn into those… those things had broken her heart far more than she would like to have admitted. Then that Starlight Glimmer had the nerve to invite her to be a part of that nonsense!

There was nothing dignified about becoming a living, breathing candied changeling.

At least there was pizza. No longer muzzled, the fallen queen munched on a simple cheese pizza from her heavily warded cell. She still had a nullifying ring clamped to the base of her horn, but those hideous Clubs had been removed from her legs. Those things were inequine! How could a pony invent such a thing for the sole purpose of crippling the movements of a changeling?

She sighed. When she wasn’t fuming or raging, she was sighing. How did her life come to this point? The sigh shifted back to fuming. Chrysalis ate angry. Her teeth tore into cheese and crust and her lips smacked. Her angry glare fixated on three letters. Each one listed a choice she had to make. She could either be turned to stone, sent to Tartarus, or get a husband.

“This is sheer idiocy!” she declared, flipping the letters with a hoof. The changeling was far too hungry to put too much effort in her tantrum. “Me? Married? I am bucking Queen frigging Chrysalis! I don’t need no stallion! I’m an independant mare!”

“I raised my babies exactly as I wanted them raised! Momma had good babies! I had wonderful babies! SHE TOOK MY BABIES AND TURNED THEM AGAINST ME! SHE TURNED THEM INTO OVERSTUFFED STOCKING STUFFERS!” Chrysalis pounded the wall with a hoof. He tears were of the crocodile variety, not that she would let the ponies see real tears from her. The Big Mare was always watching and the Big Mare was always keeping her down! “STARLIGHT GLIMMER, I WILL MAKE YOU PAY!”

Still, the very idea of being turned to stone sent chills up and down her spine. The way Discord described it, every second was remembered. There was no need for the body to rest, so there was no sleeping. Every waking moment was the eternity in stone, unable to see, unable to speak, unable to feel. Just one lone figure with nothing but her thoughts and apparently, as Discord told her in a bare whisper, there was always the singing of Yoko Ono in the background.

Forget that. She wadded up that bit of paper up and tossed it over her shoulder. There was no way in Tartarus she was going to accept that judgement.

Speaking of Tartarus…

She glanced at the next letter detailing what she could expect in the prison where the worst of the worst were kept. There was a cafeteria, a small yard for exercise, a dilapidated library, unisex showers and bathrooms…

Chrysalis shuddered. She had heard the budget for the place had been cut. There were pictures included with the letter, including her future cellmate, should she choose to go with permaprison. The unhappy and unsmiling face of Tirek greeted her, holding his inmate card. Due to overcrowding, she would also be shacked up with the undead Overgoat himself, Grogar. He also refused to smile for the camera and his eyes were filled to the brim with insanity.

One girl stuck in a cell with two lonely guys.

Two deprived males.

Chrysalis pulled up both photographs and gave them both a very hard and scrutinizing search for the most minute of details. What kind of prison tattoos did they have? Sucking air between her teeth, she thought what markings she saw were fresh. Were those black tears in the corner of Tirek’s left eye?

It gave her the willies. “Nope. Nopety-nope nope!” she cried. “Ew! Ew! No! Ew!” The photos were flung from her as revulsion pulsated through every nerve ending in her body. “I have standards! What are you trying to do to me, Cadenza? I feel dirty! I feel not pretty! Oh so not pretty, not witty, not gay!”

An undead goat? What sort of chicken-poop outfit were they running in Tartarus? Weren’t undead necromancers supposed to be teleported into the sun, or something? What was the purpose of keeping a being interested in wiping out all life from existence in a prison that had many breakouts over the aeons? It was almost as if Celestia was inviting some disaster to happen to unleash the old billy goat upon the world. What good was conquering a world if it was crawling with the undead?

“They’re mad! Mad!” she shrieked, stomping on Grogar’s photograph. “He isn’t even photogenic!”

There was the sound of a clearing throat, Startled from her mini rampage, Chrysalis whirled, her eyes ablaze. “What?” she demanded.

One of her guards was staring at her. “Keep it down, lady. You’re disturbing the peace.”

“I’m the only prisoner you have in here!”

“Not really,” he said with a shrug. “We got a pickpocket—”

“Most of you ponies don’t wear clothes!”

“—a drunk mare, and we got a couple of con ponies.” The guard had ignored her, his bored expression shifting to an unamused glare. “Don’t be rude. You’re lucky you got a pizza. It’s pizza night. Everypony gets pizza on pizza night. Evil queens like you don’t deserve pizza. But you got pizza so be grateful you have it.”

Chrysalis sighed. “The pizza was good,” she admitted, though she didn’t want to.

“Anyways, just… just shut up! We want to enjoy our dinner without you making with the crazy.” The guard squinted hard at her before shaking his head and turning away. As he left, he muttered under his breath, “Ungrateful evil queen, making a racket all because she made poor life decisions and gets mad because she’s gotta pay up. Hope she gets Tartarus.”

Chastised, Chrysalis glared beyond her cell bars before letting out a dismissive snort. Flicking her ears, she kicked the offending photos away from her and plopped down on her bed. It was an uncomfortable thing, a straw mattress, a pillow, and a couple of blankets. At least the blankets were warm, even if the wool made her chitin itch. The photos needed to burn in fire. They were hideous!

There was the third option, Chrysalis remembered. How could she forget? Cadence wore a rape face when she made the stupid husband proposal! It was an unnerving memory, seeing the Princess of Love look so manic and deranged. With nervous anticipation, she took up the third option with a hoof, exhaling in a slow, steady breath. There were names for sure, but Chrysalis blinked, confused. These were not pony names. They weren’t minotaur names. Griffon? She gave the names a hard look, only to make an exasperated grunt of frustration.

She looked again. There was fine print. off to the side, as if scribbled on at the last minute. The paper was inches from her muzzle now and she mumbled the words under her breath. She dropped the paper and stared at the ceiling.

“What in the world is a human?”

After dinner, the girls had retired to Celestia’s study for a night cap. They were lying upon thick, plush cushions of Saddle Arabian silk in front of the large hearth. A blazing, cheerful flame lit the room, bathing the alicorns in a warm and welcoming light.

“Why a human?” Luna asked Cadence, genuine curiosity in her eyes. A glass of wine floated at her side. “They are hairless apes and are constantly bickering amongst themselves.”

“True,” Cadence replied as she swirled her own class of Chardonnay. She examined the liquid before smiling and looking at the elder blue alicorn. “But they are capable of great acts of love and compassion. I’m banking on it. Humans are stubborn, they are territorial, but they are also not averse to new things, so long as you don’t give them time to object.”

“That doesn’t make sense,” muttered Luna.

Twilight, in the meantime, had her book returned to her. She was making mental love to Stephen Hawking at this point, if her reading eyes were any indication. “The plan is crazy,” she said. “Chrysalis married? You’re proposing something of a shotgun wedding, if you think about it. Discord is right; this is a train wreck waiting to happen. Just turn her to stone and put her in Tartarus with Tirek. I hear he’s on estrogen pills now.” She went back to reading, her brows creased as if irritated with herself for interrupting her own reading. Scoffing, Twilight declared, “Chrysalis married to a human. How stupid! She’s not going to do it.”

There was a polite knock at the door. It opened and a servant hurried in, wearing a most apologetic expression as she went straight to Celestia. “Word from the prison, Highness,” she said in a quiet and reserved voice. An envelope was given to the princess and the servant left just as meek as she had come in.

“An answer already?” Luna inquired, her ears perked forward.

Celestia opened the envelope. “So it would seem.” An eye flicked up and over at Cadence, who was paying rapt attention to her. The eldest alicorn quaffed the remainder of her raspberry wine and opened the letter with a flick of the paper. Giving it a quick read, she assumed an unreadable expression before lowering the letter and staring at her niece. “Huh.”

The letter was floated over to Cadence. The younger alicorn snatched it from her aunt’s magical grasp with a hoof and devoured the words with eyes filled with greed. Her grin started small, but by the time she was done with the letter, it was massive. “Well. Well, well, well! Well, well, well, well!” A manic giggling followed.

“Cadence, you are giving me a frighten,” said a worried Luna.

“She’s accepted the marriage proposal,” the Alicorn of Love said. Her words came complete with an I-told-you-so expression to all of her fellow alicorns. “She’s even picked her future husband!”

“Well buck me sideways. There was only one name on the list,” sighed Twilight as she glared over her book at her former foalsitter. “You really herded her, manipulating her choices and even having Discord give his little,” —she made air quotes with her hooves— “‘my time as a pigeon poop magnet’ speech to her.”

“So?”

Celestia blinked. “Why that one name, if I might ask?” she asked Cadence.

“Chrysalis is not the only one who needs to be punished,” Luna piped up, wearing a small grin of her own. She was in the process of refilling her wine glass. “There is another who must suffer. Cadence and I had a small discussion last night just before you raised the dawn.”

“Is Chrysalis aware of this human?”

Cadence shook her head. Twilight shrugged and retreated back to her book, shutting out the outside world with expert skill. “Don’t know. Don’t care.” She held up her book. “Stephen Hawking! He is my waifu!” proclaimed the purple alicorn.

“So, what did this human do?” Celestia asked. She already knew the answer because she was mother bucking Celestia.

“He wrote a terrible story,” answered Cadence.

“Is it the story I think it is?”

“Yes.”

Celestia became thoughtful as she regarded her niece. “You’ve come a long way, girl,” she said with a wink.

“I had a good teacher,” beamed Cadence.

“So, the manure hits the fan tomorrow?” Luna asked in a hopeful tone.

Her sister nodded. “Indeed. The sooner we get this train wreck over, the better!”

Author's Note

Hold on to your butts. The final and very silly final chapter will be coming soon!

Nope. Still not sorry! :pinkiecrazy:

3. ...and They Lived Ha—

Edited by TuxOKC. Pre-read by Kudzuhaiku.

It was past midnight. A sleek, black vehicle pulled to a stop beneath a street light near the corner of an intersection. It was quiet, save for the barking of dogs somewhere in the neighborhood. A quarter moon hung in the sky.

“All right, there’s the address,” Discord announced from behind the wheel of the black SUV the group had stolen. His human form was long, thin, and gangly. He stroked his long, sparse beard as he regarded the building. It was a house, a small one. The neighborhood seemed quiet and pleasant. The humanized draconequus drummed his fingers over the top of the wheel.

“You ran three red lights,” observed Twilight. She was shaken and grateful for seatbelts. “You nearly ran over some people and threw boxes of donuts at the local law enforcement that was chasing us!”

He grinned, turning his head in her direction. “Yes. I did. Wasn’t that fun?”

“Discord,” Celestia was sitting next to him in the front. She had her hand to her chest and was breathing heavily. “Discord, where did you learn to drive and why would you be so reckless?”

“Learn?” He blinked, running his hands up and down the steering wheel. “Where is the fun in reading boring words on telling you to do this and don’t do that? As for the second part of your question, Grand Theft Auto.” A thoughtful expression morphed over his visage. “The last part actually applies to both of your questions, really.”

“My bladder held,” cried Luna from the back of the SUV, “but the heart attack has been doubled!”

Chrysalis, who was tied up, gagged and strapped into the seat belt next to Twilight, was making whimpering sounds. It had been her first experience in an automobile. She was not a fan of her new form and her brain had been going bonkers trying to figure out how her reshaped body worked. And what was with the two mounds on the front of her chest?

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Twilight turned to the reluctant bride-to-be, “you don’t know about humans, do you?”

Chrysalis shook her head. The twin mounds jiggled at the sudden movements above her neck. She stared in muted horror, not able to control that part of her body.

“Good.” Cadence became thoughtful. “I have a sudden desire for Jell-O.” She had hungry eyes.

“Mmrph?” Chrysalis chewed on her gag.

“Just enjoy the learning experience. You’re going to be here a very long time,” Cadence said as she leaned forward. She placed her hands on the changeling’s shoulders and gave warm squeezes with them. The pink princess was in a good mood and appeared indifferent to Discord’s driving abilities. “I think you’ll fit right in on this world!”

Balefire roared in the eyes of the prisoner as she stared daggers at Cadence. The princess cupped her own mounds. “They’re called boobs. Human males love them. Human females, too, but I’ll let you discover that for yourself.” She sat back, looking smug as she chewed on a fingertip. “The human body isn’t so bad. In a lot of ways, it’s far more useful than the pony form. More flexible, if you know what I mean.” Her other hand never left her chest.

“Mrrrrrgharf!” snarled Chrysalis. The gag was worse than the muzzle.

“Okay, who’s going in?” Celestia turned in her seat and regarded the back of the SUV, her eyes going from pon—, er, person to person. She was still getting used to that. “Luna, you’re good at snatch and grab, so why don’t you go in and get him?”

“You just won’t let that Children of the Night thing go, will you?”

“Nope.”

Luna gave her sister a meaningful glare. “I have more Gabby Gums photos that I can release to the press at any given moment.”

The two waged a war of wills for an entire two seconds. “Pax?” Celestia offered, extending her right hand.

Luna’s glare shifted into a diplomatic smile. “Pax.”

They shook hands.

“All right, I will go in. The target owns this home, yes?” Luna pulled a photo from her vest and examined it. Nodding to herself, she moved up to the door, pausing as her hip pressed into Chrysalis’ shoulder and arm. “At least your future husband looks clean,” she said with an affable smirk to the changeling. She placed the photo into Chrysalis’ bound hands so she could see the male of her unwanted dreams. The door slid open. Luna hopped out.

She was wearing black form-fitting clothing. Pulling out a black wool cap, she donned it, her long, stary blue hair of limitless galaxies somehow tucking perfectly beneath it. “Love this thing,” she announced as she tucked the last remnants of her hair away. “So comfy!”

“Should I go with you?” asked Cadence. She placed her hands on the seat in front of her and pulled forward enough so she could see Luna. “I mean, if you need me to?”

“No,” Luna said, shaking her head, “You’ve already expressed how you want to kick this poor fellow in the genitals the first chance you get. We want this to be as painless as possible, remember?”

“I wouldn’t feel any pain,” Cadence grumbled. She sat back into her seat and crossed her arms over her breasts.

“And here. We. Go,” Twilight snarked. She pulled out her beloved book and turned on the reading lamp over her seat. “Cadence, let’s just get this done. I want to find this ‘Barnes and Nobles’ bookstore before we leave. There have to be more golden books like this one in there! The sooner we get Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb hitched, the sooner we can get back to what’s really important!”

“The Magic of Friendship?” Celestia asked, her words pointed and direct as she glared at her former student. “You are the Princess of Friendship, remember?” She reached out and tapped the spine of the book with a finger. “I think that book has sucked all the friendship out of you.”

Twilight gave her former mentor a loving middle finger without looking up from her reading. “That ship sailed the moment it was decided Starlight Glimmer was more powerful than an alicorn. I think we should have focused our attention on those writers. Give Chrysalis a harem of MLP writers. I think everybody will be happy… for the most part.” She spared a glance from her story at Celestia, only to see a supernova forming in the front seat. “Eek!” Twilight shrank behind her book.

Discord was chortling. “Your former pupil has grown fangs, Celly Sunbutt!” This whole train wreck had been nothing but fun from the start!

Luna rolled her eyes. “Right. Going. Operation Bug Pony Horse Waifu commencing. Be back in a moment.” She closed the door and disappeared into the night. It was, after all, her domain. There was a muffled cry not ten seconds later, followed by, “Blasted tree!”

Silence followed.

Cadence broke the silence. “You know,” she mused, “maybe we should consider using the human form more often. For science, of course.”

“You slut,” Twilight said with a giggle.

Chrysalis found herself making a guffaw despite her plight.

Wanting to make small talk, Celestia turned in her seat and sought her out. “So, what was this story that’s got you so riled up? There are a lot of human fictional stories involving us. Why does this one stand out? I mean, I’ve read plenty about myself and have been amused for the most part by them. It’s fiction. It’s not as if those words are going to affect us directly.”

Cadence blew out an explosive breath. “All right. I’ll tell you. I know it’s probably petty, but this is pretty much the gist of the story…”

Luna tested the front door. It was, of course locked. She found this odd, as none of the homes in Ponyville were ever locked. Perhaps there was a sleepwalking epidemic and the humans used locks to keep them from wandering around outside, in the dark and in their sleep?

Ah, well. It did not matter, she mused as she pointed a finger at the lock. Magic flipped from the end of her perfectly shaped nail and into the lock.

The door exploded.

“Huh,” she said as she went inside. “It would appear I will have to learn to control my magic properly in this form. Stars forbid I decide to stay and become a supervillain, or something of the like.” Whispering did not seem to be needed. “Human? Human!” She had already forgotten the fellow’s name. “Awake from thy slumber, for a most wondrous gift awaits you!” Was it wondrous? This was Chrysalis being pawned off on some unsuspecting dolt, after all. It had to be wondrous, for Equestria would be minus one massive headache! Yes, this was not only wondrous, but glorious! “Come, human, rise up from your bed and get what is coming to you!”

She had read the story. It wasn’t that bad.

“Someone’s in the house!” a distinct male voice cried out. “Get out of my house! I’m calling the cops!” There was the sound of a door slamming shut.

Luna’s euphoric smile vanished, replaced with irritation. “Oh, bother!” It was fortunate the house was small and comprised of one floor. Cozy would have been a perfect word to describe the domicile. The humanized alicorn strode forward on her long legs and found a small hallway.

From behind one door, she heard, “Yes! Please! Someone broke into my house! It’s a woman! My front door exploded! There was an explosion! Please! Send help! I think she’s going to kill me!” There was a pause as Luna pressed an ear to the door. “No! I don’t know her! I’m not drunk and I’m not on drugs!” Another pause. “Yes, I’ll hold.”

Something was braced up against the door. Luna fiddled with the door handle. There was no lock, so she surmised furniture had been shoved up against the door. Curling her fingers, she knocked with one hand. “Human? Human! Open the door, please.”

“You’re crazy!” cried the male from the other side.

Luna considered his words. “I was insane in the past,” she admitted, “but I’m much better now! I found friendship and rediscovered my love for my sister!”

“Get out of my house! I’m talking to the police and they’re going to send someone to arrest you!”

Luna pulled back from the door. She was not sure of where in the room the human was and she did not want him harmed. A damaged groom would be problematic. So, she placed one hand against the door and gave it a good shove.

The door cracked, held as a tease, then fell apart at the knob. Luna grabbed that and with a yank, pulled a large chunk of door towards her. She shifted her body and with a casual motion of her arm, flipped door remnants down the hall. The humanized alicorn then kicked what was left of the door (it was more of a shove), toppling over what appeared to be a cheap dresser. It fell apart and clothing spilled out everywhere. Luna stepped over debris and blindly reached for a light switch near the door. She found it and gave it a flip.

There was a bed in the corner of the room. Luna ignored all the personal touches individuals give to their bedchambers, even though it was an obvious clue to their personality. No, this had to be quick. The human male on the bed was screaming at her, reaching for what appeared to be an aluminum baseball bat. Roaring like a wounded rabbit, he sprang at her, bat in both hands, raised over his head.

Bored, Luna caught the incoming weapon with one hand and grabbed the human with the other. “You need exercise,” she noted as she squeezed his muscles. Her other hand tore the bat out of his hands and tossed it through the nearby wall with casual ease. “Come then!” she cried with great enthusiasm, “your bride awaits!”

The human struggled, making panicked primate noises and swearing a lot. Luna did not care, even finding his simian struggles amusing. With one smooth motion, he was slung over her shoulder like a sack of apples. She turned and walked out the same way she came in, retracing her steps. The monkey was insufferable in the sounds he made, but that would soon be Chrysalis’ problem.

“Totally worth it,” Luna surmised, patting the human on the rump. Her hand may or may not have lingered longer than what would have been proper. As she went outside, past the blasted door, she yelled out with great cheer, “I have him!”

With human in hoo—, er, hand, she skipped to the truck, feeling quite merry in her accomplishment.

Celestia rolled down her window. She wore a deadpan expression. “Really?” she demanded, observing the chaos in her sister’s wake.

Discord peered over her shoulder. “Oh, I don’t know, Celestia, her work tonight has a certain charm to it, don’t you think?” He was giggling. “Oh, how charming! He is wearing My Little Pony Underoos! Every Brony wants a princess on his crotch!”

“Which one?” Twilight called out from within the SUV.

Celestia, despite herself, squinted. “I think it’s Luna.”

“Thank heavens it’s not me!” Cadence remarked with relief.

“I have a faaaan!~” sang Luna, giving the human’s rump another squeeze. She opened the door and, while dealing with a struggling sapient ape, took a look for herself. “Thank goodness, Chrysalis, no skid marks! Lucky you! I think I might become jealous, you insufferable succubus!” She threw him onto the changeling’s lap. “Get acquainted with him! You have…” Luna reached over and yanked the book out of Twilight’s grasp, “How much time do we have to get this done?”

The bookworm princess reached and groped with no luck at her snatched tome. “An hour. Gimme!”

“You have an hour to get to know each other. After that, nuptials!” Luna gave Twilight back her book and pinched the lucky couple on their cheeks.

One hour later…

The abandoned warehouse had been set up to hold a wedding. Given there had been ten or fifteen minutes to prepare for the ceremony, there was still a feeling a lot of care and devotion had been put into the effort. It had been decided Discord should be the Best Man, considering there were no other males present. Human marriage ceremonies in this part of the world had a tradition of Best Men. Why they only had one while the bride had an army of bridesmaids was confusing. Then again, humans were confusing creatures.

“I’d love to stay here and blend in with these talking monkeys,” Discord observed to the human. He was putting the last touches on the rental tuxedo. It was three or four sizes too big for the human. Like Chrysalis, he had been bound and gagged. Both were now sporting the ‘tied-to-a-dolly’ look. “but Fluttershy would kill me with her kindness if I did.” Would Hannibal Lecter approve? Discord wondered.

The human and Chrysalis had been spending a lot of time sharing their experience with each other. If the pleading looks in their eyes was any indication, they seemed to be getting along like peanut butter and strawberry jelly. This pleased Discord. “He’s ready, Lovebutt the Tyrant,” he announced, plucking the last bits of lint from the human’s shoulder.

“Don’t call me that,” she griped at him. Cadence was standing at a podium. She motioned for the happy couple to be wheeled into position. “Let’s get this going.” A loving smile broke out like sunshine through clouds. The Princess of Love took in a deep breath, going through her own breathing exercises.

Luna, Celestia, and Twilight helped to put Chrysalis in position. Discord did the same with the human. The bridesmaids plucked at the changeling’s outfit, making sure all the wrinkles were taken care of and the bride looked as presentable as equin—, er, as humanely as possible.

Chrysalis was, for lack of a better word, stunning. Sure, she was trussed up tighter than a hog on a spit, but that did not mean no expense was spared for her wedding gown. It was traditional white, with lace embroidered with emerald silk. Her veil had tiny bits of emeralds weaved into the thin cloth. She had been given back her crown and it served to hold her veil in place. The gown itself was fitted to perfection, accenting every inch of her curves. What she had could only be described as ‘generous’ or ‘ample’. Voluptuous? Well, Chrysalis did have some athleticism to her frame, with toned muscle. It made Twilight self conscious of her own lack of attributes. She hovered in the back, examining herself and very much not liking what she saw.

Ah, well.

And yes, Chrysalis did notice the discomfort Twilight flashed. She would take her victories whenever she could take them!

Cadence had taken to wearing robes. They were white and laced with embroidered gold. It wasn’t real gold, but a cheap set. That did not matter, as it would serve the purpose Cadence needed them for. It was unflattering, but the other alicorns said nothing. “Are we ready?”

“You look like Elvis in his final years,” quipped Celestia with a worried frown. She eyed Cadence up and down as she shifted her weight from one foot to the other. Crossing her arms under her breasts, the frown turned upside down. She started giggling. So much for nothing.

“This is a Vegas style wedding, so why not?”

“Constipation killed him,” Luna remarked.

Cadence sighed and rolled her eyes. “Irrelevant. Let’s do this, girls.”

“Hey!” protested Discord. He made a sad panda face.

“Sorry. Girls and twisted abominations of absolute chaos.”

“Thank you!”

Chrysalis and her unintended looked up at her from their dollies. Their expressions were indescribable. Perhaps pre-marital jitters? Perhaps it was the result of an hour of dedication to each other, getting to know each other, and deciding ‘I hate my life’? No one could say for sure. They could only agree; This Was Happening.

“Mawage,” Cadence began in an impressive voice, “mawage is wot bwings us togedar today. That dweam within a dweam…”

“Kigh meh,” moaned Chrysalis.

“I wanted to do that,” Discord complained to the groom in an aside. “Still, it’s a wedding and I do so love weddings!” He produced and handkerchief and dabbed at his eyes with it. “So romantic! Going through the Drive-Thru at McDonald’s. Everypony got a Happy Meal! Watching the loving couple fall deeper and deeper into each other. So moving! Even when we tied them together while we went to Dairy Queen for Blizzards!” He placed himself between the two, pressing their cheeks into his as he ruffled their respective scalps. “Watching you two glower into each other’s eyes as you contemplated revenge in the reflections of each other’s souls. How touching! You,” he said to the human, “had more confusion than rage. Understandable. Very understandable! You,” Discord flicked his tongue and pressed his cheek hard into Chrysalis’, “have more than enough rage to make up for your man’s lack of.”

There was the sound of an irritated throat clearing. Breaking from his reverie, the joyful draconequus looked up and found the Princess of Love giving him the stink eye as she gripped the podium with both her hands. Her knuckles had gone bone white.

“Do you mind?” she grated through a forced smile. “This is supposed to be the happy couple’s moment, not yours, Discord.”

He pulled away and put his hands up. “I got you! I got you! I might have gotten a touch carried away. You do what you do as you do it. I’ll just stand over here with the ring.”

“Speaking of,” Cadence shifted her hips and turned her torso a little, making the podium she was now leaning on creak. “Twilight, do you have Chrysalis’ ring?”

Twilight held up a plain gold wedding band. “Yep. Right here, sister-in-law!”

“Great! Now, where was I?”

“Mawage?” Celestia suggested in a most helpful way. She had an eyebrow raised and was fighting the urge to burst out laughing. The hitch in her voice was almost impossible to contain.

“Thank you!” Cadence beamed at her aunt and cleared her throat. “Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togedar today. Mawage, dat bwessed awangement, that dweam within a dweam...”

The human expressed bewilderment with his eyes. “Urgh cradeh!”

Chrysalis sympathized. “Ey are vggurph cradeh!”

Magic flowed from Cadence’s hands, dancing along the lengths of her fingers. Her fine nails, every bit as perfect as one could expect from royalty, weaved symbols in the air. The spell was not confined to just her movements, oh, no. Her voice also carried her magic, sending it out and to the couple before her. The magic swirled and danced, touching their skin and illuminating their eyes. Chrysalis tried to struggle, for she knew this spell. The human, on the other hoo—, er, hand, fell under the sway of Love magic in slightly more than an instant. The changeling wavered, her will pushing hard, but she felt the power of the other alicorns press in and hold her will down. Her soul was uplifted, given love from not one alicorn, but four.

“The dweam of wuv is now weality. You have wuv to guide you. Take the wuv. Embwace the wuv. Know wuv must be given as much as it is taken. Twu wuv is taking the good wid the bad. Wuv your stallion, Chwysalis, foh in turn your stallion will wuv you.”

As Cadence spoke on, the spell coaxed a fragment of the queen’s soul to reach out and touch the soul of the human. The same was happening from the other end. The two fragments passed each other, pulsing as they caressed. The love spell was making the couple one in an almost literal sense. At the last moment, before she lost herself into the power of love, Chrysalis freed one of her hands from their bonds and gave the Alicorn of Love the Bird.

Haven’t you heard? The bird is the word!

With a great deal of help, the rings were exchanged.

“I declare you two married!” Cadence cried, clapping her hands in glee. “You may now kiss the bride!” she told the groom. Celestia and Discord went to ungag the bride and groom.

Blushing, the wedded couple looked upon each other, the magic coursing through their bodies. One felt filled with a new sense of purpose. The other had the need to earn the love and respect of the other. Their needs and desires could have been interchanged. There was one thing, one moment, one thought they shared and could have agreed upon. The magic had been so strong, melding them from two into one, allowing them one thought.

As a married couple, it was a decision they both had their hearts set upon. As they leaned forward, as they were still bound to their dollies, their foreheads touched. Deeper and deeper they peered into one another’s eyes, one phrase uniting them in ways that put marriage counselors out of work.

The groom wanted to speak, to say what he was thinking at that moment. Chrysalis shushed him with a kiss. Her eyes were burning with rings of fire. She was burn, burn, burning with something, all right. It was not desire.

“Awww!” came the expected reply. Dry rice was tossed at the happy couple.

“Cadence,” Chrysalis said, pulling her head from her man. “Cadence,” she turned her head to the alicorn-turned-human, her eyes glowing with green fire. “I don’t know when you’re going to leave me here. I suspect soon. But know this; I will find a way back to Equestria. And when I do, I will find you and I will make you pay for this.” Her smile would have made a winning Olympian envious. The twitching eye ruined the look.

Celestia took the handles of the dolly and began wheeling Chrysalis back to the SUV. “Of course you are, Chrysalis. You wouldn’t be a villain if you didn’t make such a silly proclamation.”

Twilight had her book out again and read as she walked alongside the changeling. “Lady. Get it through your head. Being evil is bad. Your kids abandoned you because you don’t want to be good.”

Chrysalis flinched as much as she was able. Tears swelled up in her eyes. Her lower lip trembled.

“That was harsh, Twilight Sparkle,” chided Luna. “Why did you have to say such cutting words on her wedding day?” She clucked her tongue and wagged a finger at the bookworm.

“I never thought Twilight Sparkle would be such a bitch,” said an unfamiliar voice. “I always thought Celestia was majestic and kind.” All eyes fell upon the groom in his oversized tux. “You are all nuts! Batshit crazy! You kidnapped me just to marry Queen Chrysalis? Why? What the hell is going on here?”

Discord patted him on the shoulder and began wheeling him after Chrysalis. “Oh, it’s simple my boy! This whole story is a train wreck. I told them it was going to be a train wreck and the general consensus was in agreement. You see, well, I think Cadence should explain it since this was all her idea.”

The human’s eyes, full of fright, went to the Princess of Love. She spoke his name, sounding like a disappointed mother. “You want to know why I chose you?” she asked. “I’ll push him a little bit, Discord. Give us a minute, please.”

“Of course! Of course! The dolly is yours!” There was some jostling as the dolly exchanged hands.

The groom was being pushed again, though it only went a few feet before Cadence set him down. They were just before the main doors of the warehouse. It was still dark outside. Dawn was still three hours away. The princess walked around to the front, arms crossed over her chest as she chewed her bottom lip. Her head was tilted down as she collected herself.

“I thought ponies were nice,” said the human.

She looked up. “Oh, we are! We really, truly are! We do have a general idea of fostering acceptance and friendship going for us. We ponies are good. We ponies do good. But sometimes, just sometimes, something happens that makes us snap. Twilight’s student captured Chrysalis right about the time I read your fanfiction.”

A confused word was uttered. “What?”

“You write horse words.”

The man blinked. “Well, yeah. You read my stories?”

“We all read your stories. We follow quite a few of you writers. Most of it is fun to read. But you…” Cadence sighed, her lovely features morphing into indignant rage. A slender finger reached out and poked the groom in the chest. “You! The story you wrote! I do not like reading a story where I hold court and invite all comers to spank my flank while they voice their grievances!”

“Huh?” came the intelligent blurt.

“The salt is real!” giggled Luna as she passed by and patted the younger alicorn on the head. Cadence swatted her hand away and hissed like a wet cat.

“Did you or did you not write ‘Cadence Ass Smack’?”

“It was a funny story,” insisted the man, his voice warbling in both fear and confusion. “It isn’t real!”

“So you did write it.”

“Well, um, yes? It was in the feature box for almost a week. A lot of people told me it was my funniest writing.” The poor fellow was on the verge of a breakdown.

Cadence, however, was feeling no sympathy. “In your story, you had my husband, the love of my life, the father of my beautiful daughter announce to the whole audience that he loved watching other ponies slap his wife on the ass.”

“But it was just a joke…”

“And I took offense to it! Unlike the others, who really don’t care what people say about them, I was offended! I decided to do something about it.” Cadence was poking him in the chest over and over with her finger, punctuating each word.

“So, you’re ruining my life over a stupid story?” Tears were running down his cheeks.

“I’m not ruining your life,” she told him, patting him on the cheek. Sympathy crawled over her lovely features like a Mongol horde. “I’m giving your life meaning. You’re not going anywhere with your life, so I decided to give you something to focus on, to nurture and grow. I’m pointing you in the right direction.” Her smile had a twitch to it. “It’s my specialty!”

“By marrying me off to Queen Chrysalis?”

Cadence shifted to a grave look of concern. “The relationship is going to take a lot of work.” She smiled again. “But not to worry! You will be watched. You will be observed. I’ll pop in from time to time to see how you two lovebirds are progressing!” She leaned in and gave him a peck on the cheek. “So, no hard feelings, ‘kay? ‘Kay! Just to prove there are no bad feelings between us, we even decided to give you guys a honeymoon!”

“Where?” he dared asked. “Where to?”

“Siberia!”

“What?”

“We’re ready, Cadence!” Celestia called from the SUV.

The groom swallowed hard, feeling the doom of his fate crushing down on his shoulders. “What do they have to do with this?”

“They’re bored. Running Equestria is pretty much done by a triple redundant bureaucracy. All they do is tell ponies what they want done and everything goes through the legal process. It takes a while to get through, but what they say pretty much goes. Since everything runs pretty smoothly, my aunts need breaks from the tedium from time to time. Celestia more so than the others. Poor lady needs a vacation if you ask me.” Cadence huffed and blew a strand of hair from her eyes.

“I don’t want to go to Siberia,” blubbered the man.

“Oh, don’t worry, you and Chryssie will have someone to share the experience with.”

“Who?”

“Starlight Glimmer.”

“Why? I hate her.”

“Exactly! It’s part of her reformation thing Twilight wants her to do. The whole ‘more powerful than an alicorn’ thing has really rubbed her raw. I’m considering getting her counselling,” Cadence shook her head. “Family is important. I love Twily like she was my little sister. Tough decisions are gonna have to be made.”

“What’s going to happen to me?” the human asked.

“You’re probably going to be busy making babies.”

“What?”

“Small versions of you,” Cadence supplied with a helpful smile. “There will be diapers. Dirty, filthy diapers. You will learn parenting and proper adulting.”

“In Siberia?”

“Oh, that’s just going to be a week. The prison there is waiting for you. You’re expected.”

“What?”

“Don’t mess with an alicorn,” Cadence whirled on him, smiling and giggling. “Especially me! To gulag with you!” She pointed her fingers at him. “Bang! Bang!” A wink was thrown in for emphasis. “Quiet now! Must wheel you to spot.” She now adopted a horrid Russian accent. “In Soviet Russia... aw, whatever.”

She wheeled the groom over to his waiting bride.

“They’re going to love you in Siberia,” Discord said with pride. “I hear the Russian president is a closet Brony.” He pointed at Chrysalis. “Big fan of yours, I do believe!”

“Let’s do this,” Celestia said, rolling a finger in the air. “If I know Prince Blueblood, he’s probably issuing Royal decrees outlawing the middle class.”

“I miss serfdom,” lamented Luna.

“Right. You miss the era where ponies were afraid of the dark and worshipped me to keep you out of their dreams,” her sister supplied. “You didn’t help by screaming at them to love you.”

“Gabby Gums,” warned Luna.

“Pax?”

“Pax.”

They shook hands.

“Let’s finish this train wreck,” Twilight called out. She had fished her book from the SUV and was, of course, reading it. She was already inside and raring to go.

“You’re terrible people!” the groom yelled.

“Good luck and happy honeymoon!” Celestia went over and kissed him on the cheek and did the same for Chrysalis. The former queen hissed at her. Old habits die hard, after all.

Luna copied her sister, though she chose to kiss the groom full on the lips. “I’ll never forget your underwear,” she breathed, tapping him on the cheek as she pulled away. The kiss she gave Chrysalis was just as enthusiastic, with an equal amount of tongue.

It was lazy fan service, to be sure, garnering the Mature tag this whole farce should have had from the beginning.

The alicorns not already in the vehicle stepped away from the couple.

“See you two lovebirds in a week! Discord?” Cadence asked with a polite smile.

He grinned and snapped his fingers. The newlyweds disappeared in a flash of magic.

“Well,” Discord said, already feeling bored, “what next?”

Cadence gave him a curious smile. “Next season. You.”

The End?

Author's Note

This was really fun to write. I actually explored some things I've never really been comfortable writing, so this was a good exercise for me!

I hope it pays off!

Epilogue will be coming.

Epilogue

Edited by TuxOKC.

Six months later...

In the Crystal Empire, life had settled back to what Princess Mi Amore Cadenza would consider normal. Her husband was having daddy time with their daughter, allowing Cadence to catch up on some paperwork. Oh, she could have delegated, passed the work off to her more than capable staff, but some things needed her personal touch. Humming in content, she was going over a proposal for a school in her name for underprivileged foals when there was a polite knock at her door.

“The door is open,” she said, setting her work aside.

Her seneschal poked his head in. He was a middle aged stallion who had once been one of her tutors when she was learning to be a princess years ago. “I pray I am not interrupting anything important, Your Majesty?”

“Of course not!” Cadence smiled and beckoned the pony in. “Do come in, Ulfric. What brings you to see me?”

He came into the room, his ears flat out as he had an apologetic expression. “A message arrived for you from Princess Twilight Sparkle.” He produced a scroll from the folds of his jacket with his teeth and held it out to Cadence. She smiled at the name of her favorite sister-in-law as her horn lit up and she took up the letter.

“Thank you, Ulfric. Was there anything else?” she asked him as she broke the seal.

“No milady.”

“That will be all, thank you.”

“Yes, milady.” Ulfric bowed and left the room in reverent silence.

Humming to herself, the princess unfurled the scroll. She had not heard from Twilight in a while and it was a pleasant surprise to hear from her. Her smile faded as she read what turned out to be a very short letter.

Dear Princess Heart Ass,

Celestia wanted to turn Chrysalis into stone. Luna wanted to send Chrysalis to Tartarus. You wanted to get her hitched.

Why didn’t I get a chance to choose a punishment?

Butthurt in Ponyville,

Twilight

The princess frowned. Twilight did not get a say at all, she recalled. “I knew I forgot something,” she lamented as she rolled up the letter. Tapping it against her chin, Cadence wondered what she could do to make it up to her. Perhaps she could send an inquiry to Luna and ask where she could get another book like what the Night Princess had given her. Twilight seemed very into that Stephen Hawking fellow.

“She needs to get laid,” she muttered under her breath.

It had been an honest oversight. Cadence had been so keen on getting one up on Chrysalis, she had forgotten to include Twilight in the details of her plan. Everything else had gone off far better than she had hoped. Taking advantage of the boredom of her aunts had paid off dividends. They were their proper and loving selves throughout the whole process, from beginning to end. Chrysalis was watched the whole time to prevent any designs for escape. The threat was dealt with once and for all. Equestria was safe.

Discord had added his own touch with his disregard to such trivial things like petty morals and silly ethics. Love did not care for such things. Love could be far more cruel than the machinations of a megalomaniac like Queen Chrysalis.

Love could be a monster in its own right. It had its own chaotic flare to it. Cadence had never minded Discord and his antics. He had a purpose and Cadence used his nature to help keep her aunts off kilter. It had affected her as well, but what was done was done. She felt avenged for the humiliation of her wedding. She had stood up for the honor of her beloved Shining Armor. Nopony messes with the Princess of Love!

Love, after all, could be a cold bitch.

Setting aside what she should do to make Twilight feel better, Cadence lit up her horn. A secret panel behind a nearby painting slid open. A laptop floated from it and set itself at her desk before her. She opened it, mindful of the time. There was perhaps thirty more minutes to relax and browse for updates on FimFiction. There had been a little bit of a commotion a few months ago, but the site’s regulars had more or less settled back into their routines. Everypony was excited about the upcoming season and questions over the disappearance of Starlight Glimmer made more mentions than Harambre.

If only they knew Hasbro was the property of Princess Celestia. Twilight’s suggestion that her former apprentice be there to make sure Chrysalis stayed on the path of staying out of trouble was a poor attempt at getting the reformed unicorn out of her mane. Starlight was still headstrong and was experiencing issues when it came to building trust from others. Putting the mare in an environment which needed her to learn to trust others might have been over the top, but Cadence went along with it for the extra set of eyes on Chrysalis. As for the husband Cadence had foisted upon the fallen changeling, well…

He was single. He was available. He was there.

Perhaps she went a bit overboard on the story. She had re-read the silly thing and found it was a crude story, but the comments from the author had the princess feeling more and more ashamed of her actions.

He had been a big fan.

He had thought she was the most down-to-earth of the princesses.

He was supportive of her being the only alicorn to have a foal.

The final comment he had made all those months ago was ‘Cadence is the girl next door every guy wishes he could meet and at at least have as a friend’.

She could have gone back to the human world at any time to correct her mistake. Love was powerful in magical form. But, the reformation of Chrysalis was at the top of the list of things that needed to be done. If Thorax came again to ask when his mother was going to be coming home, Cadence was certain she was going to beat him to death with a fly swatter.

Bug zappers had started to show up in the budget proposals.

The princess sighed, not at all happy with herself at the moment. Lovebutt was not feeling lovable at the moment. Perhaps a story… perhaps something lighthearted and uplifting was in order. Yes! That was what this moment called for. A short story, a comedy. Perhaps a romance?

Cadence went online and pulled up FimFiction. She checked for messages, found a few from aspiring writers. There was one from an online friend who had a question about foal habits. There was another message from another friend who inquired if she was able to edit a chapter or two in the near future. Cadence loved editing when she could spare the time.

If you’re wondering how a pony princess in another world had access to an internet provider from Earth, the answer is Germany.

The answer is always Germany. Those people are scary smart, yo.

Well, that and Twilight’s recent forays into Earth resulted in a lot of experimentation involving ‘acquired’ technology and magic. And no, they did not form a being called Captain Robomage no matter how much Spike the Dragon wanted it to happen.

That being said, Cadence noticed a particular title in the feature box. It was a silly title, but it was one that caught her immediate attention.

“What?” she said with supreme intelligence to an inanimate object, because talking to inanimate objects works sometimes in Magic Pony Land. She read the short description, her eyes widening more and more. Horror crept into her mind. She felt as though mice with paws of ice were running up and down her spine. Against her will, she found herself clicking on the title.

‘Bug Pony Horse Waifu’ opened up with three chapters.

“No,” she moaned. How could this be? The princess clattered to her hooves, kicking back her chair, staring at the screen. A foalish version of Chrysalis stared at her with an unhappy expression. Her changeling form was nothing more than a colored oval with sticks for legs. Another time, Cadence might have remarked at how alike the real thing the crude drawing was. She read the first chapter. Then the second. Then the third. It was a very condensed, very abridged, and complete false accounting.

“You...you…” A shaking hoof jabbed at the author’s notes at the end of chapter three. It changed before her eyes, a magic spell intended to be activated when a certain pair of eyes fell upon it. Words formed. The horror was doubled when she understood her mistake, her folly. She had handed Chrysalis a planet teeming with warlike apes. Apes who enjoyed beating the holy crap out of each other for stupid things, like skin color, religion, and favorite football teams.

Cadence closed her eyes. She probably deserved this. She had taken things too far.

Chrysalis owned Earth.

‘Nice planet. Best Wedding Gift Ever! GG lol’

Cadence tried and failed with her breathing exercises. Unable to contain her frustration at her supreme failure, she flipped her fifteen hundred pound desk and everything on it. Throwing back her head, she roared in the Royal Voice, “Chrysalis!”

None of the events had happened that way! None! There had been a very public trial. Chrysalis had to be restrained because she was a physical, magical, and verbal danger to the public. The only truth in chapter one was the building. Once the description of the Sanctuary of Justice had been given, the story went downhill from there.

None of the alicorns even came close to acting as outlandish and irresponsible as this. This fiction...this farce was against everything Princess Celestia had ever taught! Cadence could feel her face flushing. When had that happened?

The door burst open and Shining Armor burst in, ready for a throwdown. There were several guards behind him. “Cady! Is Chrysalis here? What happened to your desk?”

“Her...husband!” she panted in offended rage. “That...that...shameless writer!”

“Huh?” Shining tilted his head to one side in confusion.

Cadence pointed at her laptop. It was alicorn proof. Shining picked it up and looked it over, having never seen it before. “Is this where our entertainment budget went?” he asked, blinking and staring at the screen. He found the foalish art cover for Chrysalis amusing. “We gave up on funds to take Flurry to museums and zoos for this?”

“You don’t understand!” Cadence yelped, ignoring the fact there was a good chance her daughter had been deprived of seeing baby monkeys because of that stupid laptop. Her own musings made her groan. Rubbing her temple with a hoof, she snarled, “That writer did it again! He made a fool of me! He made a fool of my aunts!”

He did get Twilight down to a T.

“I don’t get it,” Shining told her with a shake of his head. “I’m worried, Cady. I think that site is not doing you any good.” He was perusing the first chapter. “It’s not that bad, I think.”

“My aunts are going to be furious if they see that!”

“We are so out of character in this story! Hey, you’re even slapping him on the ass!” Celestia howled with laughter as she clung to her sister. Luna was in humorous tears.

“I know!” Luna wheezed, wiping tears from her face. “Chrysalis is so lucky to have a husband with a twisted sense of humor she can appreciate! Cadence chose well!”

“I’m so dead,” Cadence moaned. “It’s his fault! That writer! That human!” The last word came out as an evil hiss.

“Writer’s name is Scarheart. What a strange choice of a pen name.” Shining was still not happy the family budget went into this contraption. He blinked and looked at the author’s notes at the end of the third chapter. “I think this is a joke. Didn’t you say there were about eight billion of these monkeys on that planet?” Strands of mane sprang out of place. “I don’t think we’ve got anything to worry about. You made a good choice, honey. It’s not like they can come here, is it?” He tried to give her his most convincing smile. The sound of grinding teeth reached his wife’s ears.

Cadence giggled at her husband. An eyebrow twitched. “Heh,” was all she could manage. “Heh, heh, heh!”

He put his hooves on her shoulders and pulled her around to face him. Concern was etched upon his features. “Honey? They. Can’t. Come. Here. Right?”

Author's Note

*panicky simian noises*