A Jar Of Dirt

by Doctor Disco

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Comedy
Length: 1661

Starlight wakes up one morning to find she now has a jar of dirt, and she doesn't know what's inside it. What could possibly be making all the ponies around her want it?

Starlight wakes up one morning to find she now has a jar of dirt, and she doesn't know what's inside it.

What could possibly be making all the ponies around her want it?

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2017-04-02 03:10:01 UTC

"I've got a jar of dirt! I've got a jar of dirt! And guess what's inside it!"

Starlight frowned at the present sitting at the foot of her bed. How had it gotten in her room? What the hay? With no tag for who it’s from and bright colours to boot, she contemplated opening it.

Grabbing it in her magic, she tore the wrappings off only to find a taped up cardboard box. Sighing with a roll of her eyes, she grabbed a pair of scissors nearby and cut the tape, opening up the box. The first thing she saw was a note, and upon taking all the contents out, she couldn’t help but shake the box upside down.

It was a jar of dirt.

With nothing else coming outside of the box, Starlight furrowed her brows. Bringing the jar of dirt close to her eyes, she shook it, and found… dirt. Nothing but dirt. Confused, Starlight opened up the note, which had writing (obviously).

Heya, Starlight! Here’s something I got for you because you’re such an awesome, lovable pony that deserves something before we send you off! It’s a jar of dirt, and it’s very special, but don’t open it! You’ll spoil the surprise!

-huehuehuehuehue

Starlight read the note a couple more times before frowning even deeper at the jar. What in Celestia’s name was going on? Tempted to open the container, she reached for the jar with her magic. Sticking her tongue out in concentration as she gently lifted the jar, she began to twist, and…

“I SAID DON’T OPEN IT!” the letter shrieked, causing Starlight to jump six feet in the air. Grabbing onto the ceiling, she proceeded to shout in alarm. Heavily breathing, Starlight heaved in and out, putting a hoof on her chest.

“What the hay?!” Starlight cried, before she noticed something. How was she staying on the ceiling? In that instant, Starlight fell back to the world below, making a loud fwump! One unladylike groan later, Starlight crawled over her bed post to peer at the jar of dirt laying on it’s side on her bed. She then prodded the note with her hoof a few times before sighing.

“Twilight?” Starlight called. “Twilight!”

“Starlight?” Twilight replied, entering the hallway Starlight was in, “Were you calling me?”

“Yeah, I was.” Starlight rubbed a hoof against her temple. “So I woke up, and I find this present lying at the bottom of my bed. I open it, and all I get is a jar of dirt and a talking note explaining why I have a jar of dirt!” Sighing, she gestured to the dirt. “The worst part is, I don’t know what’s inside it!”

“It’s a jar of dirt, Starlight,” Twilight pointed out, “It’s self explanatory.”

Starlight nearly facehoofed. Instead, she dropped her head. “But why, though?”

“Maybe because it seems to be an amazing jar of dirt?” Twilight asked, slowly reaching out for it with a hoof.

“Wait, Twilight, what are you doing?” Starlight asked, watching as Twilight got closer and closer to it.

“I need that jar of dirt, Starlight,” Twilight whispered, grabbing it in her hooves and staring at it hungrily.

“I don’t think you do,” Starlight quickly said, ripping the jar away from Twilight’s grip and hiding it behind her back. Sucking her teeth in preparation for what she was about to do, she closed her eyes. “Twilight. Get a hold of yourself!” Grabbing Twilight, Starlight smacked her across the face. This brought Twilight back to her senses.

“Ow!” Twilight cried. Glaring angrily at Starlight, she slowly widened her eyes in realization. “Oh. Oh wow. Sorry, Starlight. There is something seriously wrong with that… jar of dirt.”

“So I’ve noticed,” Starlight said, moving the item in question away from Twilight’s view each time she would try and take a peek. Taking a glance at the jar of dirt again, it retained it’s usual, boring, uninteresting and inconspicuous charm. “You’re the first pony I’ve met this entire day and the first thing you do is lunge for this dirt. Can you help me find out why… before you go coocoo again?”

Twilight craned her neck to try and look around Starlight and get a glimpse at the dirt. “Well, at first glance, it seems to be a minor attraction spell. But upon thinking about what actually happened to my mind…” Twilight widened her eyes as she finally saw it again. “It just makes you really want it. A lot!”

Starlight, noticing the sudden feverish look in Twilight’s eyes, groaned with anticipated shenanigans. “Oh… buck.”

“I want that jar of dirt!” Twilight cried, licking her lips. Starlight erected a magical barrier, preventing Twilight from moving a single inch towards her. This did nothing, as Twilight just destroyed the shield with a simple spell. Continuing a barrage of shield spells, Twilight disbanded them all with equal ease.

With a brilliant idea popping into her head, she froze Twilight in the same type of block she had when they duelled across time. “Aha!” Starlight shouted. “I’m sorry, Twilight, but this is for your own good.” Just then, Spike walked in.

“Hey Starlight!” Spike called, noticing the pony first. “What’s that you got there?”

“Oh nothing! Nothing at all!” Starlight said just a little too cheerfully, hiding the jar of dirt behind her. Sweatdrops began to form.

Spike, noticing Twilight’s encasement, pointed a claw. “What did you do to Twilight?” Spike watched Twilight’s eyes slowly move hungrily to the jar of dirt behind Starlight’s back. “And why is she looking at the thing behind your back like that?”

“Oh, that?” Starlight giggled, “I dunno. I think somepony enchanted this jar of dirt specifically so I wouldn’t be affected and everypony else would be?”

“So that’s why you have a jar of dirt!” Spike said, narrowing his eyes with a smile.

“Exac-!” Starlight began, smiling widely before freezing. “Wait.”

“I need a jar of dirt!” Spike cried before throwing himself at Starlight. Without thinking, Starlight shot a spell at Spike, and he was teleported away someplace. Starlight, quickly realizing her action, blew the smoke away from her horn away and began to quickly walk away.

Crk!

Starlight paused at the doorway, her ears flicking to the noise.

Shck!

Horrified, Starlight slowly turned around.

Crrrrrrrrshick!

Twilight’s eyes were now wide with madness as she stared at the jar in Starlight’s magic grasp.

“Oh no,” Starlight whimpered.

CRACKASSHHH!!

All the hardened mana dissipated into thin air as Twilight breathed heavily. “Whoo, that was a good one, Starlight!” Twilight puffed. Raising her eyes to meet with Starlight’s, Starlight gulped. “Starlight. Give me that jar of dirt. For your own good.” Twilight smiled sweetly… just a bit too wide.

With no other options, Starlight did the only logical thing. She bolted screaming. “Gotta go Twilight nice seeing you maybe another time have a good day okay bye!”

“STARLIGHT GLIMMER GET BACK HERE!” Twilight shouted down the hall, and Starlight looked back to see Twilight beginning to fly above her like a vulture searching for it’s prey.

“GYAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!11!1!!” Starlight screamed in terror before teleporting away.

Twilight burst out of a window in the castle, her eyes searching like beacons for Starlight’s jar of dirt. “STARLIGHT! COME BACK! I NEED YOUR JAR OF DIRT!”

“-AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!11!!!!” Starlight finished, having appeared in the first place she could think of that meant away from Twilight. Heaving, Starlight collapsed to one foreleg, the jar of dirt dropping beside her. She was just happy she was able to get away from the dirt-crazed Twilight. Unfortunately, she could still hear Twilight’s cries for her need of the jar of dirt. Even more unfortunate was the fact that she had actually teleported into the middle of Ponyville’s marketplace, which featured hundreds of ponies moving about, selling, and buying things.

The most unfortunate of all? Starlight’s screaming had attracted everypony’s attention to her, and in turn, the jar of dirt laying on the ground beside her.

“Excuse me,” a pony asked, prodding Starlight in the side. “Are you okay?”

Looking up, Starlight found it to be Derpy who was asking. “Oh yeah, I think I’m alright, thanks Derpy,” Starlight sighed. “It’s just- this damned jar of dirt that seems to make anypony that looks at it apart from me want it really badly is causing me a bit… of… trouble…” At that moment, Starlight blinked a few times, glancing from the jar in her grasp and the ponies around her.

At that moment, she realized just where she was, what she had done, and what was about to happen.

“Uh…” Starlight began, sweating profusely. Her teleport spell had taken a lot out of her, and she needed time to recharge, so that was out of the question, and any other type of shield spell wouldn’t work on this many ponies. “Hehehe! We can… talk about this?”

Silence. The silence was the worst part.

“I WANT IT!” One pony cried.

“I NEED IT!” Another yelled.

Starlight could feel tears in her eyes forming. Seeing the mass of bodies converging on her, she stomped her hoof and looked up, her lip quivering. “Why is it always me?”

“GIVE ME THAT JAR OF DIRT!”

“NYAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” Starlight cried, both literally and, well, literally. Running down the street, it was all she could do. “WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!?!”

As a stampede of ponies followed a lone pony holding a jar of dirt down the road, Pinkie Pie hummed a jolly tune, still tending to her duties behind the counter. Noticing all the fun Starlight seemed to be having, she smiled. “Wow, Starlight’s taking this really well!”

Appearing at the front door, Pinkie smiled and waved at the retreating mass of bodies in the distance. “Happy April Fools!” Pinkie announced, but nopony sane heard her, as they were all too busy chasing Starlight.

Turning to you, Pinkie grinned. “Shh, our little secret! Happy Pranking, everybody!”

And with that, Pinkie pulled the curtains closed.

Fin