The Only Story You'll Ever Need
Now this is a story all about how I became the coolest dude in Equestria. Being a total badass back home made it quite easy to transfer over to Equestria. In fact, my first act after descending from the sky like a celestial being was to brain Sombra with a club and save the entirety of the Crystal Empire. As thanks, I was able to fuck any Crystal Empire resident I wanted, including but not limited to Shining Armor, Princess Cadence, the one girl who serves them lemonade in that town (and myself because I was then made a citizen).
They also made me king of the Crystal Empire and married me to Princess Celestia for political reasons, so I got that sick Sun-Puss waiting for me back home anytime I need it. I mostly spend my time wandering around and being a badass loner dude with a black long coat and a sword at my side. Righting wrongs and bringing my own kind of atheist justice to otherwise civilized and peaceful towns under my vigilant title "FuckStrong the Master of the Universe".
I find myself in such a predicament, tied up and chained by a town of ponies who don't yet know I will be their best friend and lover soon. They're wielding torches, waving them at me, yelling and barking condemning words.
"THEY WERE JUST FILLIES YOU PERV!" you think you hear someone yell.
"Age is but a number," I reply, winking at the mare, she looks a bit older but she can get it if she asks properly. You wiggle against your binds, chains chaffing your skin.
"What are we suppose to do with him now?" someone blurts out.
"You mean you aren't gonna set me on fire?" I ask.
They all look back to you with some curiosity.
"We're not barbarians!" one stallion barks.
"This sucks I'm going to bed," someone else calls out, and they walk away, and so follow some others from the crowd.
The more zealous of the crowd roll their eyes and leave too, throwing their torches down. I miss and chuckle quietly to myself. Just as planned! When the disperse, I wiggle my hand into my pocket, reaching in to grab a flip phone.
I hit that speed dial for my Number 1# Waifu: Princess Slutlestia and flick on speaker phone.
"Hello sweetie, how are you? Where have you been I've missed you I want to know whats been going on are you still as cool and muscular as last I saw you please tell me quickly—"
"Shut up bitch," I reply, and I think I hear her orgasm on the other end of the line. "It happened again, I need you to come get me."
"R-right away Anony!" There is a beep as she hangs up.
In less than five minutes I'm free of my binds and Celestia is trying to unzip my pants, but I bat her away.
"I'll make sure to punish everyone in this town for hurting you, Anon!"
"Nah don't worry about it. Not only am I strong, skilled with the blade, handsome and hung like a fucking elephant I am also incredibly forgiving and generous. Just kill their firstborns and that'll be punishment enough."
I hop onto her back, straddling best I can to her tummy with my legs. She grunts with effort and attempts to life us off into the sky, succeeding only in hovering us just out of town. As the sun comes up (early so that we can enjoy a sunrise together) we decide to rest on a small cliff overlooking the nearby town of Ponyville.
I lay my head on her wings, which make amazingly comfortable pillows. With a sigh I recount my epic battle with a manticore that occurred here, when I saved Ponyville from a rampaging Ursa Major by myself, and another time where I fucked Fluttershy rawdog while her animals watched from their cages and the I came into the rabbit's food bowl and shoved his face into it.
"Wow, so brave and strong and filled with rippling sexual energy," Celestia coos, stroking my hair gently.
"I think we should go down to Ponyville and royal command them to throw us a banquet," I suggest, rising suddenly.
"U-uh, sure honey, but that's rather short notice—"
"Hush, I didn't ask," I declare, swishing my coat behind me as I jump off the hill. Even though it's twenty feet high I don't break my legs and shatter every bone in my body because I'm really tough!!!
I roll around at the speed of sound until I reach the edge of town, having no place to go aside from falling Rainbow. When she notices me she dashes out of the sky and lands before me immediately.
"Wow Anon you run really fast I bet you could even beat me in a race!" she says, legs quivering undoubtedly with the urge to spin around and beg to be reamed by me. Her wingboner pops up.
"Yeah I know," I walk past her without looking her in the eyes because I'm on the spectrum. It's my super power.
"I'm gonna go tell everyone you're here."
"Yeah go do that."
And so I wait, standing in the middle of town like a statue, Celestia next to awkwardly staring at me and attempting to say something but getting nervous and closing her mouth. Most likely in fear of being smacked across the face.
In due time Rainbow has roused and forced the entire down to gather in the square. The mane 6 is at the forefront, bouncing about happily.
"I am here to announce there will be a feast in my name, and a statue of apples constructed in my image!"
"Huh?" Applejack shouts, surprised clearly, she is the apple pony and must be in charge of apple idols.
The crowd stares down at her, and she blushes and covers her face with her hat, "a-anything for you Anon!"
"To Whisperin' Apple Acres!" I shout, jumping into the crowd to be carried there. I think I break the back on of an earth pony who couldn't hold my weight. The crowd trample them to the dust to carry me, their overlord to the Apple farm. Celestia has to walk herself there.
I clamber off them, stepping on Derpy's face (who thanks me and licks my ankle) as I get off the pony ride. Scout-ponies had already ran ahead set up a ton of tables for me and my favorites to sit at. Big Mac comes up to me.
"H-hey Anon," he says, blushing, "it's spring time. You know what that means! My backdoor needs some seed planted in it!"
I slap his cushy, but firm rear and mutter "later" to him, walking past the stallion. I pick the biggest chair, right in the middle like Jesus at the last supper.
"Sorry Anon," Carrot Top says, walking over to me. "We don't have much to offer on such short notice—"
"Shut," I say bitingly, shoving a finger in her face. Her eyes turn to pinpricks and focus on the tip of the finger on her nose, "don't make me wait for my food."
While the entire town of Ponyville scrambled to cook me and Celestia a feast I fingered her under the table to about 2.5 orgasms before head chef Pinkie Pie returns, hefting a huge platter of sweet treats on her shoulders, shuddering with effort.
"H-h-here you go! Here you go it's Pinkie Pie, this'll be a treat! Here I am, while you eat!" her forehead dripped sweat as she strained to carry a 4-tiered cake, a plethora of baked goods and confections.
I place a finger on one side of the platter and push down lightly at first, but then heavier and heavier until she begins to squeal and attempts to correct for the added weight. I take my other hand out of Celestia's dripping cunt, leaving her a trembling mess, and scoop a chunk out of the cake with that hand.
It's great, not too much frosting, moist and sweet. Delicious! Not only until I clean my hand of Celestia's squash-soup and the cake do I let Pinkie finally put the tray down. By now, the mane 6 and other peons of Ponyville have gathered. Only the mane 6 are allowed to sit with me despite being more than enough space for everyone.
The others have to sit thirty yards away and aren't allowed to eat. Celestia tries her best to preserve the dignity she doesn't have by straightening out her post-orgasmic frayed hair and lack of breath.
"Anon do you like it?" Pinkie asks.
"Pfft, it's okay."
"I-I'm sorry it's not good enough," Fluttershy says, bowing her head lowly.
"You can make up for it later," I say with a sadistic grin.
There is a strange ripple in the silent spring air. Magic! Then, suddenly, from a rift of blue with a grid of red, slithers out Discord (I was gonna say 'a [whatever discord is] but I don't remember what his species is and I don't wanna google it)
"YOU WILL NO LONGER DEFILE MY WAIFU!" John de Lancie phones in. Anger in his gross face and rage burning in his pupils.
Celestia gets up to defend me, jumping between me and the striking draconequus, but I push her away and draw the sword on my back which I call 'Dragon Slayer'. I jump up on the table to meet him and cut him down in a splattering of red and a cry of pain, cutting him straight in half below the arms.
"F-fluttershy, why?" he says, fallen onto of the cake, life essence pouring out quickly, blood dribbling from his mouth.
"He's got a bigger dick!" she says defiantly, nuzzling my crotch while looking down at him as he dies.
The crowd all around cheers and jeers, rushing up to see the carnage. Princess Celestia promises to fuck my brains out later, but I demand it now, and rape her on top of Discord's corpse.
Such is the life!
That's all folks.
~~Spike is thin the story technically in the background of my mind so tenhcially it can be added to spike groups~~
Author's Note
Wow this is the most unfunny piece of shit to ever fucking grace the planet Earth. Keep on kicking, Mother Nature! Keep on kicking me right in the head until I got comatose
HE'S A HERO, GONNA TAKE POPULATION TO ZERO.
The Likes-Dislikes on this are reversed! Dislike if you liked and like if you disliked! Either way I win.
