Applejack's funeral

by deadpansnarker

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Big Macintosh, Scootaloo, Random, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Granny Smith
Length: 1599

Applejack has died. Everypony is there at the funeral, but the most affected one is her devastated little sister, Apple Bloom. But, could there be more to this tragic moment than meets the eye?

Applejack has died. Everypony is there at the funeral, but the most affected one there is her devastated little sister, Apple Bloom. But, could there be more to this tragic moment than meets the eye?

Something silly I wrote, based on a prompt from Rated Ponystar Beware: OOC-ness abound.

Published 2017-04-04 06:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-04-04 06:10:01 UTC

What the...

“She was so young. It should have been me…” Wailed Granny Smith, as she placed the last of her flowers on the coffin of her beloved Applejack.

“Yup.” Big Mac remarked, in his usual articulate way.

“M-My B-Big S-Sis…” Lamented Apple Bloom, as she clung onto the casket, unwilling to let go of the many precious memories they shared together.

“Now, now little Bloom…” Granny Smith reprimanded the filly lightly, all while wiping away a stray tear herself. “If there’s one thing I know about my Applejack, it’s that she wouldn’t want the rest of her family to get all mushy and stuff after her passing. Remember, we still have a farm to run, and dwelling on the past is only going to slow us down, as sad as it is to say…”

“I-I k-know t-that, b-but…” Apple Bloom glanced back at her Granny, her amber eyes glinting in the serene light of Celestia’s sun. “I-It’s jus’ so hard to s-say g-goodbye…”

“I understand that darling…” Granny Smith gently ruffled the scarlet mane of her granddaughter. “All of our kin, and the many friends she’s made over the years are here today, a testimony to how many lives she’s touched. Heck, they’ve even had to close down half the town, such is the attendance today at her funeral. Somehow, I doubt even the death of one of the Princesses themselves would attract such a huge crowd. But life, as they say, moves on… and once our grieving is over, we do to…”

“It’s not fair!! It’s jus’ not fair!!” Apple Bloom didn’t seem to take her older relation’s words to heart, as she turned on the waterworks once more, smashing her hooves on the side of the coffin while continuing to blub freely. “Why did she have to try to repair the roof in the middle of a thunderstorm? Why did she have to fall off that ladder? Why did she have to land on that rake that pierced her brain? Why…”

“E-Er.. I think we can skip the gorier details, dear…” Granny Smith said with a hint of trepidation, while looking back at the concerned faces of those assembled behind her. “It don’t matter now, anyway. What’s done is done… and there ain’t no changing that. Now, shall we give other ponies a chance to make their peace with Applejack, before the ceremony is over?”

“Yup.” Big Mac chimed in once more, in an encouraging voice to his little sister.

“O-Okay, I guess so…” Apple Bloom dragged herself up with great reluctance, as the next in a long line of well-wishers went to say goodbye to their dear friend. She was comforted en route by her fellow Cutie Mark Crusaders and her other school-friends, with even her old adversaries Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon contributing to the commiserating.

In her raw emotional state however, she barely acknowledged them as she slowly trotted away, needing some personal time to herself to process this momentous upheaval in her young existence, even though she’d had at least a week to digest the tragedy since it occurred.

Motioning to her nearest two surviving relations that she wanted to be left alone for a while, she went to sit underneath one of her favourite apple trees, the one with the gnarly bark. Precious memories of priceless moments between the filly and her deceased sister began to play out in her head, as the gift of sleep was finally bestowed upon the insomniacal youngster.

With everything that had occurred of late, it was hardly a surprise that slumber had been so difficult to achieve for the depressed Apple Bloom, but now exhaustion had finally caught up with her. Luna made sure that the nightmares stayed away, and only the most pleasant of recollections greeted the snoring filly in the midst of her nap.

Surprisingly enough, what awoke Apple Bloom from her dormancy wasn’t a twittering bird, or the crackle of a branch, but what sounded like a raucous party.

Rubbing her eyes in confusion and staring out over the horizon, a most bewildering sight greeted her bleary vision. What was once a scene of morbid tranquility, had now somehow transformed into the stage for a joyous celebration, with many a pony dancing around hoof-in-hoof, much merry laughter and even a few colourful balloons being thrown in the air.

The most amazing aspect of this unforeseen shindig though, was that a certain pink party-loving pony wasn’t commandeering proceedings like she usually would. Oh, she was there alright, having as much fun as everypony else and setting off her party cannon like there was no tomorrow. In fact, that was most likely what stirred Apple Bloom from her forty winks.

No, the astonishing central protagonist in this outlandish scenario, as confirmed by the suddenly empty casket and her jubilant crowd-surfing over the territory was none other than her supposedly stone-dead big sister herself, who now seemed more alive than she’d ever been.

As hey stunned eyes watched this bizarre scene unravel, a certain mood began to overtake Apple Bloom which is very difficult to describe. It almost made her faint. It almost made her swear. But finally, the overriding aspect of her temperament that won over was befuddlement, and that’s what she chose to put into words.

“Just what the hay is going on?!” The loudness of her request caused the fiddle music to cease half-tempo, the dancers to pause mid-swing and drinks to hit the floor instead of in somepony’s mouth.

“I think you’re dead… but you’re here. I think the worms are going to gobble you up… but instead you’re jumping around like a buckin’ bronco with a splinter. I-I d-don’t…” Apple Bloom was somewhat lost for words, as the whole area began to spin in front of her eyes.

Thankfully, Applejack was there to ensconce her in a warm hug, though at this point it hardly made the perplexed filly feel any better. “I’m so, so sorry darling. I would have told you, but I needed you to look your most saddest today. Also, I hope you don’t mind me saying this, you are a bit of a terrible actress…”

“W-What’s that got to do with…” Apple Bloom began, but was quickly shushed by her big sister.

“The fact is, as you’re well aware, it’s been a very lean year for us here on the farm…” Applejack tried to explain, while looking down at Apple Bloom sympathetically. “All of our Zap Apple crops have failed, and even the fruit bats have ventured out of their usual restricted area to suck on our produce without mercy. I didn’t want to worry you, but we were on the verge of losing everything. That’s when Big Mac and Granny here hit on a little plan…”

Apple Bloom glanced in amazement at her sheepish-looking brother and pensive-seeming grandmother, who could only nod in unison to confirm the accuracy of the tale so far.

“Basically, all I had to do was fake my death in an ‘accident’ while you were using the facilities, inform the life insurance ponies about it and then lay low for a week until the financial settlement was paid…” Applejack continued her story. “Everypony else agreed to help on the scam, even the rest of our family and your elementary chums. Miss Cheerilee took the most convincing, but Big Mac managed to sweet talk her into it…”

Apple Bloom stared in amazement at her shame-faced Crusader members. “Wait… you knew about this, and didn’t tell me?!”

“Your sister said it was for the best, as your Cutie talent isn’t exactly thespianism…” Sweetie Belle commented, a little embarrassingly.

“...Besides, Applejack promised me and Rainbow Dash free cider for all of next year, if we helped!” Scootaloo seemed to have slightly less scruples about taking part.

“We needed you looking all upset and devastated today, for when the inspector came to attend the funeral. Nothing would sway him into believing us more than the salty tears of my next of kin... ” Applejack remarked, with a sad smile. “I know we’ve caused you no end of heartbreaking trauma in the last seven days that you’ll in all likelihood never recover from, and you most probably hate our guts right now. But frankly, we thought the trade-off between your mental stability and keeping the old homestead was worth it, in the end..."

"W-what happens, when the life insurance company finds out you lied?" Apple Bloom was still coming to terms with the scale of this farce.

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it..." Applejack clearly didn't want to be bothered by the complexities of their cunning scheme at the moment. "Anyway, the most important question is… can you ever forgive us for our horrifying deception? Would a 5% cut of the profits help sweeten the deal?”

Apple Bloom suddenly pulled back from the edge of sorrow, to think a little more methodically. “...No, it wouldn’t.”

“10%?”

“I don’t want your bits, Sis.”

“Well, what can I do for you?”

“You know how I’ve always said I wanted a bigger room? Wweellll...”

“Oh, darn it.”

Author's Note

You can blame Rated Ponystar for this. Here is the unedited prompt...

In order to get life insurance to help pay for the farm, Applejack lists herself deceased and fakes her death. However, she’ll need her family and friends to help her fool the insurance agent at her open casket funeral to see if she really is dead.

Well, I did the best with it I could. Now, back to work. Ciao! :raritywink: